All language subtitles for S01E04_track3_[eng]

[♪ upbeat spooky music playing]

[♪ music fades]

♪ Deck the halls
with orange and black ♪

[vocalizes off-key]

♪ Halloween is finally back ♪

[vocalizes off-key]

Billie, it's five o'clock
in the morning.

Correction, it's five o'clock
on Halloween morning.

My favorite day of the year.
Here, open your presents.

Halloween presents?
That's not a thing.

It is now, Roman, get on board.

[box shrieks]

It's a shriek-in-a-box.

Well, that's a new thing to be scared of.

Come on, Roman, open yours.

I don't want to.

But you have to.
It's your Halloween gift.

Open it before the spiders hatch.

You gave me a box full of spiders?

No, I gave you a box full of spider eggs.

If you don't eat 'em quick,
you're gonna have to raise 'em.

Why is this happening?

'Cause I'm giving you mortals
the best Wizard Halloween ever.

We're gonna go build gingerbread coffins,
bob for eels, decorate for Pumpkin Belly.

-We're gonna--
-Oh, I get it.

Wizard Halloween is like Mortal Christmas.

No, Mortal Christmas
is like Wizard Halloween.

You guys even ripped off
all of our best carols.

♪ Up through the floorboard
Creep, creep, creep ♪

[in deep voice] ♪ A beast made
of nightmares to watch you sleep ♪

That is horrifying.

That's just the radio version.

Come on, let's go.

No, I'm going back to sleep.

[Billie] No, you're not!

-[screams]
-Is that her head?

Why are you screaming?

I'm the one who just
rolled over Milo's socks.

Now, get up, the last one downstairs
is a rotting corpse.

[screams]

[♪ theme song playing]

♪ Everything
is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have
what you want ♪

♪ By the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess
with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything
is not what it seems ♪

♪ You might run into trouble
if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything
is not what it seems ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

-♪ What it seems ♪
-[♪ theme song concludes]

I still can't believe we have
to go to school on Halloween.

Back home,
it's a national holiday.

If you're so into Halloween,

why aren't you wearing
a costume?

I am. This is the scariest thing
I could think of. Boring mortal.

-Is that my sweater?
-Yep.

Milo, are you gonna be able
to sit down in this thing?

Nope. I also can't pee.

So, please pick me up
from school right on time.

Ladies and gentlemen,
ladies and gentlemen,

introducing Acting Principal Russo.
But before I rock,

I gotta roll.

Dad, where's your costume?

You always dress up
for Halloween.

Well, costumes are fine
for the Vice Principal, son,

but since Principal Finley
is out of town,

I'm top dog.
And Acting Principal Russo

has to keep it professional.
Look, I even tied a double Windsor.

Oh, nicely done.
[gasps] Oh.

Okay, so I clipped
a double Windsor.

Dad, can you help me
put my bike in the garage?

I don't want it to get messed up
when the house gets egged.

Why would the house get egged?

The principal's house
always gets egged on Halloween.

And since you're
the acting principal...

Oh, my.
How did I not think of this?

What was that about?

I'm a sandwich.
What do I know about women?

All right, come on, come on,
you guys, let's get to school.

I get to park
in the principal's spot today.

That's right, no more parking
at the bank

across the street for me,
so... Very exciting.

Yeah, let's get a move on.

I finished my juice ten minutes ago,
so clock is ticking.

Hey, Roman, check it out.

I brought
a Halloween decoration

to hang up at school.
It's a gristle-toe.

Is that meat on a string?

No, it's a gristle-toe.

If you get caught underneath it,
you have to curse.

You've never heard of cursing
under the gristle-toe?

I've heard of
"kissing under the mistletoe."

Ugh, you mortals are gross.

[♪ upbeat music playing]

[♪ music fades]

You know, I thought going
to school on Halloween

would be the worst. And it was.

I know! Nobody got my costume.

Obviously, I'm a unicorn
hall monitor.

"Hey, no galloping
in the halls!"

-Oh, I see it.
-Thank you.

Personally, I thought school
had just the right amount

of Halloween spirit.

The streamers were a nice touch,

and the librarians
handed out candy.

Mentoids aren't candy,
they're mints.

[scoffs] That's not
what my dentist says.

Roman, we do not speak
of dentists on Halloween.

That is candy's most sacred day.

Well, hey, Halloween's not over.

What would you be doing

if you were
in the wizard world right now?

Well, I would be decorating
for Pumpkin Belly,

but I can't.
Giada already did it.

Uh...

Decorating for Pumpkin Belly?

You've never heard
of Pumpkin Belly?

Pumpkin Belly,
you know, Pumpkin Belly!

Okay, look, you can say it
ten more times,

I still won't know
what you're talking about.

He's a giant evil monster who stalks
the streets on Halloween night,

eating junk food and children.

I've never eaten children,
but if I have junk food after seven,

I'll burp out my retainer.

That's Pumpkin Belly.

He visits every young wizard's house
on Halloween,

and if your decorations
aren't scary enough,

he eats you.

And do you want him to come?

No, you decorate
to keep him away.

Some people start in July
just to be safe.

Uh, yeah, okay, I'm sorry
to disappoint you,

but Pumpkin Belly's
not a thing here.

We can't have a wizard Halloween

if nobody believes
in Pumpkin Belly.

Wh... Well, I believe in him.

I believe so hard

that I'm actually
gonna go home right now

and put up some decorations

to make sure that Pumpkin Belly
doesn't come.

I mean, could you imagine
if that happened?

That would be a real wizard Halloween
for you, am I right?

If Pumpkin Belly came?

So we gotta make sure
that doesn't happen.

See ya.

[door closes]

All right, so what if we don't
have Pumpkin Belly in the mortal world?

We can still have a fun Halloween.

We can watch an age-appropriate movie

and pig out on raisins
and seaweed squares.

How does that sound?

Like I'm hanging out with your dad.

Yeah, he is fun, isn't he?

[megaphone moos]

[siren blaring]

What was that?

It sounded like a cow got arrested.

I'm testing my security gear
for the pranksters tonight.

Now go upstairs and change.

Camouflage is encouraged,
but not required.

Love, are you really that worried
about us getting pranked?

No, I'm not worried.

I bought a laser scope
for a water cannon 'cause I'm chill.

Sweetheart, I... I'm just
the acting principal, okay?

I'm not the actual principal.

It'll be like every other Halloween.

I'm gonna bake my famous pumpkin bread.

Milo will go trick-or-treating.

You'll steal all
of his peanut butter cups.

I'll steal them back.

We do this dance every year.

Justin, trust me. These kids are ruthless.

They know how to walk without sound.

They know how to disappear
into the shadows.

They know how to fit
three cartons of eggs in a backpack

by cushioning them with a dish towel.

That was an oddly specific example.

Yeah, well, you're not
on Waverly Place anymore, Russo, okay?

This is Staten Island.
We sell eggs in bulk out here.

You heard your mother, Milo.
Move your buns!

Been dying to say that all day.

[♪ up-tempo rock music playing]

[♪ music fades]

Billie, are you all right?

You've barely touched your raisins.

You want 'em?

Usually only allow myself one box a day,
but it is Halloween.

Oh, Roman, what would your dentist say?

[doorbell rings]

And it may be October 31st,
but it is not Halloween.

Oh, sweet, a wizard.

Here's some dumb mortal candy.
Don't get too excited, though.

None of it screams when you bite into it.

Uh-oh. Roman, you gotta see this.

Someone jacked all of our decorations.

Now there's nothing protecting us
from Pumpkin Belly.

Are we still talking about this?
Pumpkin Belly isn't real.

Pretty sure you thought wizards
weren't real until about a week ago, so...

Oh, well, if Pumpkin Belly moves in
and starts hogging all the hot water,

I'll start believing in him too.

You won't be laughing
when he shows up and eats you.

I gotta fix this.

All right, decoratus terrifyus.

This is so dumb.

Your big bad Halloween monster
is gonna be scared off

by a plastic scarecrow?

-[yells]
-[screams]

No, no, that'll work.
That'll definitely work.

[dogs howling distantly]

Oh, no. Those are nightmare hounds.

The first sign of Pumpkin Belly.

What signs?

There are four signs
that Pumpkin Belly is coming.

First, you hear the nightmare hounds.

Then you smell roasting pumpkin.

Then comes the scream of a banshee.

And finally, three knocks at your door
tells you Pumpkin Belly is nigh.

Nigh?

It means "near."

Yes, I know what it means.

It's just a really weird thing to say.

-[distant howling continues]
-We're too late.

The decorations won't
keep him away. Nigh is now.

-Stop trying to make nigh a thing.
-Not nigh, Roman!

[♪ spooky music playing]

These locks will never stop Pumpkin Belly.
He'll just kick the door down.

I thought he knocks three times.

Yeah, to let you know he's about
to kick the door down.

Okay, we could move the sofa
in front of it.

Oh, what am I talking about?
I don't believe in Pumpkin Belly.

What's that smell?

It's roasting pumpkin.
That's the second sign.

Okay, if that was the second sign,

which I'm not saying it was,

and I believed
that Pumpkin Belly was real,

which I'm not saying I do,

what would we do to protect ourselves?

I don't know. I've never been
dumb enough to not decorate.

Okay...

It says here, Pumpkin Belly
only ends his rampage

when his stomach churns

from eating too many children and sweets.

Hm, can his stomach churn
from eating only sweets?

Because that would be my preference.

That's it. We just have
to stuff him so full of candy

that he gets barfy and goes home.

But we can't get too close to him.

My dad has a T-shirt launcher
in the attic.

Maybe we can shoot
some candy out of that.

You guys have a machine
that launches T-shirts,

but I still have to wiggle
the toilet handle to make it flush?

Okay, we are ready for pranksters.

Cameras are set up,
perimeter is secured,

and the front walk is coated
in cooking oil.

Is that what happened to all the oil?

If my pumpkin bread sticks
to the pan, it's on you.

Uh, Giada, honey, you sure
you're not going overboard here?

[scoffs] What makes you say that?

Is that our T-shirt launcher?

Yeah, but I turned it
into my net launcher.

Giada, we can't trap kids.

I'm not trapping them,
it's catch and release.

That's the perimeter alarm.
We're under attack!

I told you, Dad,
the principal always gets egged.

Do you realize what this means?

You finally get to use
your pressure washer?

Yes. But also, the students,
they don't just see me

as their acting principal,
they see me as their actual principal.

[in accent] Principal Russo.

[in regular voice]
I like the sound of that.

What happened, Mom?
Did you get 'em?

Yeah, bagged him like a king salmon.

Then I realized it was just
the Deever twins looking for their cat,

and they were not pleased.
I gotta go reload.

Stay frosty.

Did you find the T-shirt launcher?

Nope. Can you just conjure a weapon?

If you were your dad, will you teach me
how to conjure a weapon?

I'll keep looking.

[distant scream]

Scream of a banshee,
that's the third sign.

Wait, wait, w-- what was that?
Is Pumpkin Belly nigh?

Billie? Billie? Is he nigh?

Stay away from the doors,
I just heard the scream of a banshee.

Actually, you heard the scream
of a man who burnt his hand

on a pumpkin bread pan.

Did you hear that?

I think there's a six-year-old girl
caught in one of my booby traps.

That was me...

burning my hand trying to get
my pumpkin bread out of the pan,

'cause someone used
all the cooking oil on the front walk.

Okay, it was a good plan
and I stand by it.

Wait, so that was the pumpkin smell?

I thought Pumpkin Belly was coming.

Pumpkin Belly?

Oh, come on, you don't still
believe in that stuff, do you?

Who's Pumpkin Belly?

He's just some Wizard legend,
like a Halloween--

It's not a legend,
I heard the nightmare hounds.

Oh, wait, you mean these hounds?

[barking and howling from megaphone]

So, the scream, the pumpkin, the hounds,
none of those signs were real?

No. No, there is nothing to worry about.

Except for the amount of candy
that Milo's had.

Kid hasn't blinked in three hours.

I should probably go check on him.

I don't want him to get stuck like that.

You okay, sweetie?

Yeah. It's just weird.

I should be relieved
that Pumpkin Belly isn't coming,

but I don't know. Kind of bummed.

It's not weird. I mean,
you're living here now.

A lot of things are different.

Probably felt nice
to have something from home.

Even if it was a monster.

I guess I just didn't realize
how homesick I was.

Hey.

This is a big transition.

But I promise we're gonna do
everything we can

to make it feel like home.

Thanks, Giada.

Of course.

Although I don't think
we're ever gonna match

a wizard Halloween. You guys go hard.

You have no idea.

Okay, I found a catcher's mask
and a nine iron.

I'm thinking we run like
a little offense-defense.

You swing for his knees,
and I will wear the mask and hide.

-It doesn't matter.
-What?

No, no... What about the signs?

They weren't signs.

Turns out Pumpkin Belly isn't real,
no matter how much I wanted him to be.

What, so...?

That's it? It's just all over?

Guess I'm just gonna have
a boring old mortal Halloween

like a boring old mortal.

Hey, we could jump out
and scare these trick-or-treaters.

If they're young enough, they might cry.

Would that make you feel better?

You know, Roman? It really would.

-Boo!
-Boo!

-[growling]
-[♪ suspenseful music plays]

[♪ music concludes]

[♪ spooky music playing]

[Roman and Billie scream]

Are you okay?

No! Maybe. Well,
we just got eaten by a monster,

so I'm gonna go with no!

Pumpkin Belly is real! I knew it!

How great is this?

Not! Not at all!
Please get us out of here!

Okay, I got this. Stand back.

Well, that was my idea.
What do you got?

Wait, wh... what is-- what is that?

Is there a monster in the monster?

How should I know? I just got here too!

[♪ tense music playing]

[♪ music fades]

You see anything?

Just the Bianchis,

having a Halloween party
that we weren't invited to.

I don't get it.

We always egged
the principal's house on Halloween.

Wait a minute, "we"?

I mean, we, the royal we.

Them, the bad kids.

Giada...

were you the bad kids?

[sighs] Fine.

Yes, when I was
in middle school, I pranked.

I ditched. I broke curfew,
hearts, and every window

in the abandoned house on Fifth.
I'm not proud of it, okay?

Can I break windows?

-No!
-No!

Fine, hearts it is.

Giada, I-- I just... I...

I can't believe you'd keep this
a secret from me.

[sighs] Really? You want to talk
about keeping secrets?

-[chuckles] I do not.
-Yeah.

No. Well, I, uh...

I guess we should pack it up, right?

Looks like no one's coming.

Justin, are you disappointed?

Oh, you know,

yeah, maybe a little bit.
I-- I got kind of excited

that the kids were gonna
treat me like their real principal, but...

You know, I guess
they don't respect me like that.

Maybe they're not pranking you
because they like you, Dad.

You're nice. You listen to them.

You play those little drums
over the PA for birthdays.

Everyone does love
the birthday bongos.

You're gonna be
an amazing principal someday.

You think?

I know.

[sighs]

They respect me!

That one, that one went in my ear.

That one did. But they respect me!

[chuckles]

-It's getting closer!
-Monster!

There's a monster? Where?

-Winter?
-Oh, hey guys.

Pumpkin Belly ate you too?

Yeah, he's a lot faster than I thought.

And I'm a lot slower than I thought.

Probably should have planned
that part a little better.

Wait. Wait, what do you mean "planned"?

You brought Pumpkin Belly
here on purpose?

Yep. First, I tricked you guys
into thinking I was gonna go home

to decorate my house.

Second, I didn't go home
to decorate my house.

Third, I stole your decorations
so Pumpkin Belly would come.

And finally, I got eaten.

Which, again, was not part of the plan.

Why would you do that?

You just seemed so sad
that you weren't home for Halloween.

I wanted to make you feel better.

So you lured a monster and got eaten

just to make me feel less homesick?

What are friends for?

Definitely not this!

Thanks, Winter.

What, you're thanking her?
We're all gonna die in here!

We're not gonna die.

The book said the only thing
that stops Pumpkin Belly

is an upset stomach.
I wish we had some Fizzlers.

We could throw them
into some Diet Dr. Whiz,

and the bubbles will make him puke.

Wait, wait. Fizzlers?
Are those anything like Mentoids?

Fizzlers are candy.
Mentoids are mints.

I'm not having this conversation with you.

No, no, no.
When-- When you throw Mentoids

into diet soda, it explodes.

This place is full of diet soda.

Trust me, I've been
swimming around in here for an hour.

Let's do this.

Hang on.

[grumbling]

-[belches]
-[all scream]

[screaming]

[all grunt]

-It worked!
-We're alive!

Oh, man, I left my phone
in there. Be right back.

Winter, let it go.

We've been eaten by a monster,
barfed up and covered in pumpkin guts?

Man, this is the best Halloween
I've ever had.

I'm just glad it's over.

Hey, the porch is covered in oil.

I will never understand your traditions.

-[phone ringing]
-Found it.

Thanks for coming back with me.

My mom would kill me
if she found out I lost my phone again.

And there's no way I'm telling her
it got eaten by a Halloween monster.

I used that excuse last year.

No problem.
All right, let's get out of here.

I brought the diet soda.

I brought the diet soda.

You were supposed to bring the Mentoids.

You were supposed to bring the Mentoids!

Wait, I know what to do.

[Roman screams]

I cannot believe you talked me
into doing this again.

I am such a good friend.

That's true.

You're also the only person
we know under 60 who carries Mentoids.

That's also true.

Now, hold on.

-[belches]
-[♪ upbeat music playing]

[♪ music fades]