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There's a legend around these parts,

still told now and again.

Most people don't believe it, but...

some still do.

A young man, a farm hand,

wanted to marry the love of his life.

She was pregnant with his child, but he...

Well, he had nothing to offer her.

I'm going to the mountains.

I'll find our fortune, okay?

I love you. Goodbye.

And the very next morning,

the young man did.

He walked west for a calendar or two,

searching the countryside for their fortune,

finding everything but.

Until one day,

the young man happened upon fate.

What dost thou seek?

My fortune.

What's in this one?

This shall be thy guide.

[sighs]

The map led to a mountain cave.

Of course, the young man shouldn't have gone there.

No, not at all.

That cave was cursed.

[heavy thud]

[beastly growl]

-[metal clanking] -[thudding]

Oh, shit.

[beastly growls]

[bones crack]

[man struggles]

[ripping]

[screams]

See, the cave was a tomb.

[water dripping]

What does that have to do with the story

you're here sitting in front of?

Well now, that's the question,

ain't it?

Ahoy, Captain!

Captain!

Spotted a vessel not two marks off the port bow.

That way.

Looks to be an English skipper.

I don't know, maybe Spanish.

It's bound to be loaded with rich cargo.

That's, uh-- That's lunch, sir.

Keep at it, Flint!

We're gaining on her!

Shall I raise the flag now, Captain?

Wait for it.

Now!

[screams into loud speaker]

Your attention please,

do not panic.

Hello.

We simply require that you choose between your goods

or your lives.

Don't move,

or you'll be breathing out of a hole in your neck!

[yelps]

[coughs] I can't swim!

Calm down.

You forget, you can't drown in these waters.

You may have escaped with your precious cargo today,

but mark my words,

you may not be as lucky tomorrow.

[growls]

Yeah laugh it up, funny boy!

Quickly.

[growls]

Perhaps if we had some real swords, sir.

Real swords? Uh...

These weapons are very real.

I fashioned them myself.

I mean, we need metal swords, sir.

What we need is a worthy meal.

There's something in my shoe.

Hello...

Sure is.

This looks promising.

We must have it examined immediately.

Immediately.

Oh, uh...

Mmm...

[chuckles]

[gasps] Oh.

Well, boys,

either it's real or it's fake.

-That's encouraging. -I hope it's the first.

Has to be one of the two.

Hey, Captain, it says right here

there's a school in the south Pacific

where they'll train us to be real pirates.

We are real pirates.

Tuition seems reasonable. Oh! Financial aid is--

Quit, or you're second mate.

-I am second mate. -No, you're first mate.

I do both.

Ah,

now.

This one was real.

[gasps in surprise]

-[phone rings] -Oh.

Yes?

Oh! I'll be right there.

[phone hangs up]

No.

-Flint? -Aye, Captain?

Are you carrying your library card?

Let's just see here.

I don't know if I happen to have it.

Quickly.

Oh, I'm sorry,

but you can't check this book out.

It's from general reference.

How silly of us, to think we could borrow a book

from the library!

We can only do what we must.

Careful then.

Wait.

[printer whirring]

It's a shame, I can't decipher it.

A pirate map is only good to the pirate who made it.

Well, we just have to find the starting point.

Yes, thank you. I'm well aware.

Has this no frame of reference?

This map is worthless.

Flint, what does every pirate have?

Parrot.

Besides a parrot.

Muskets?

Besides muskets.

Tattoos.

I'll tell you, it's an earring.

And I've noticed you wearing one from time to time.

Oh, yeah.

It's my nana's.

I took it off 'cause it was giving me an infection.

-[sighs] -Well, from now on,

they are permanent fixtures.

Very good.

Did I ever tell you why

I decided to take up our chosen profession?

It all started three weeks ago, before I met you.

My mother walked in on me in a rather...

compromising situation.

[vigorous rubbing]

-[moans from TV] -[clashing metal]

[rapid knocking on door]

Mom!

Oh! [gasp]

Oh!

[pants nervously]

How dare you!

Bringing this filth into my house?

Your father would roll over in his grave.

-Don't do that. -Tomorrow,

I am calling the doctor first thing in the morning.

We will cure you of this perversity.

I am not sick.

Kirk, it's not natural.

I am a pirate.

Why can't you accept that?

Stop speaking in that horrible accent!

You... are not a pirate!

The sea is my home now.

We are ships without anchors.

We're pirates without a ship.

What's wrong with our ship?

She's not exactly seaworthy, Captain.

It's hardly a scratch. We could patch this up.

Goodnight.

Goodnight, Flint.

[laughter]

Look man, I told you somebody stole it!

Man Are you sure that's ours?

Duh!

What're you doing in my tent, man?

[screams]

Row, my good man!

Row like you've never rowed before!

Captain,

I've been thinking about the map.

Perhaps we should go hunt for its treasure.

Pirates don't hunt for treasure.

They bury it.

I mean, we bury it.

Okay?

We have no treasure to bury, sir.

It is our duty, then, to acquire some, Gilligan.

You know I don't like it when you say that, sir.

Sorry.

[sighs] I just happen to think

we should search for the treasure.

-It seems like a-- -[scoffs] The fools.

Look at them,

carelessly flaunting their goods before us.

To the oars, Flint. We take our share now.

[screaming menacingly]

Look, Dad! Pirates!

I hate pirates.

Dad, be nice for once.

[panting]

Do not panic.

We simply require

that you choose between

your goods or your lives.

Oh! You're talented!

You're almost as good as the pirates at Disneyland!

Come on and sit down!

Dad's fixing hamburgers.

I hate Disneyland.

Oh, Dad don't be silly.

You love it there!

I repeat!

Your goods

or your lives.

You could work at that one show in Las Vegas.

Dad! What's that called again?

I hate shows?

You want ketchup?

Please,

m'lady,

the goods or your lives.

Certainly are persistent.

Does he ever break character?

Here you go, boys!

Enjoy!

Begging you pardon, ma'am. It's kinda an ethical issue.

See, Captain Kirk can't eat anything he doesn't steal.

It's the pirate's way.

I hate Star Trek.

Well then,

I withdraw my invitation.

You may not have any of my food.

Captain.

I stole these when she had her back turned.

Don't.

Okay?

Don't try to cheer me up, Flint. It's no good.

Do you know what our problem is?

Mm.

-Financing, sir? -[scoffs]

-[coughs] -No. It's that...

-It's that damn Johnny Depp. -Mm.

You know?

Ever since he started playing a pirate,

everybody-- everybody thinks we're cute.

Nobody fears us anymore,

we're just, "Oh, it's a cute little pirate."

He does do a fine job, sir.

Nobody wears better eye shadow,

ay, well next to you.

-Of course. -Thank you.

You know,

perhaps if we attended that pirate school?

I just don't think it's working out.

Maybe my mom was right, you know?

[laughs]

Maybe it's time to lower the flag.

Sir,

what about the map?

The map, what?

Finding that treasure could be

the answer to all our problems.

I mean, we could buy a proper ship,

we could hire a menacing, bloodthirsty crew.

We could buy real swords and girlfriends and...

We'd be the fiercest pirates on the planet.

You know, Flint,

I've been thinking about that map.

And I think it's time we put together an expedition.

Aye aye, Captain.

But first, we'll need provisions.

-Provisions. -Yes.

-We're Louis and Clark. -[growls]

Huckleberry Fin and Tom Sawyer!

We're Siegfried and Roy!

No, we're not.

Alright then, we're Superman and Aquaman.

You're Aquaman!

[panting]

Hi. Your goods or your life.

Who are you? What are you doing?

[yelling] Hey! Wait a minute!

Come back here!

[woman yelling] Bring back those brownies!

It's a good chip count, but it's a bit dry for my taste.

-- Blimey. -- Well done, chap.

[Kirk chuckles]

[mystical harp chord]

Avast, Captain.

What's that look like to you?

It looks like a coincidence.

[touch-tone beeps]

Ahoy there, ma'am.

We was just wondering

what you're doing in the buried treasure business?

See, we happen to have a treasure map

with your company's logo right on it.

-[inaudible] -Uh-huh.

Yeah, the image of Mount Crevice.

Ah, yeah.

And where might this Mount Crevice be?

Yeah, uh,

I'm sorry, which lake?

Oh, you mean the Great Sea.

Well, no I do not think it's an inland lake.

Well, the salt water for one. [blows air]

Hello?

-[replaces phone on receiver] -Captain!

We have hornswaggled ourselves, see?

It's not Mount Crevice Real Estate we're after,

it's Mount Crevice herself!

[sighs] Ha!

[growls]

Oh, Flint.

Look! That's where we met.

Mm.

[motorbike engine revs]

Sparrow, party of three.

Hi crab lover,

have you had all you can eat?

Say,

some of us are gonna go

to a inner faith prayer meeting tonight.

I was just wondering, if you were done,

maybe you could come with us.

-Oh. -You know, if you--

Flint, you're so sweet.

That's just not for me.

Oh. Alright. Well, uh...

We can go to the homeless shelter. I volunteer there,

-and they know me. -I'm sorry.

They're like "Flint!"

You're just not my type.

You're too nice a guy.

-Oh. -Hey, sweetheart.

Let's ride.

[giggles] Isn't he the greatest?

Hey, I gotta jet.

It's on the house tonight, okay?

Come, Flint.

We need a good night's rest before we continue our trek.

-May I take a moment, sir? -[engine starting up]

Ooh, sexy outfit!

[sighs] She is me everything, Captain.

Aye.

Look at the stars, Flint.

They comfort me.

Do you know why?

Give you a sense of direction, sir?

Of belonging.

The sea is my home,

the heavens my roof.

It has been the same for every pirate

since the beginning.

I'm lucky to have you as first mate.

Well, thank you, Captain.

-Thanks. -Hey!

What the hell's going on out there?

Blow it out. Blow it out. Blow it out.

[blowing vigorously]

Just leave it, sir. Just leave it.

This house looks rather promising.

They're in the crow's nest.

I'll find a way in.

-[glass smashes] -[dog barking]

The lock was too rusty to pick, so I had to break a window.

-Well done, Captain. -Yeah, here.

You, uh, finish down stairs and I'll work upstairs.

Divided by four, minus this thing. Hmm.

Alright, $132 dollars.

That's outrageous!

All of this is worth ten times that much!

Oh, really.

Alright, uh, 140 cash or 150 store credit.

-One hundred and fifty-- Sir! -I'll handle this, Flint.

One hundred and fifty-five, in store credit.

Deal!

Very good.

We're going on a treasure hunting expedition

and we are in need of some provision.

Would you mind pointing us--

Shovels are in the back.

Hey, Captain,

think this bag'll be big enough to carry all the treasure?

Difficult to say.

Who knows how much loot awaits us

at the end of this map.

Be still, my heart.

Hey, look.

Be careful.

Careful with that blade.

It's rumored to have decapitated

more than a few skulls in it's prime.

How much you want for it?

It's worth more than your store credit,

but perhaps we can arrange an exchange?

Oh, I guess we have a slightly used bicycle just--

Actually, I don't know if you two know this about me,

but I'm something of a map collector.

What? The map's not for sale!

Well that's a shame. I'd pay good money for it.

-Five hundred dollars, cash. -Five hundred dollars?

But the map's worth $500 million dollars!

-That's quite enough, Flint. -That's enough, Flint.

Why don't you wait for me outside?

I'll finish the rest of this transaction.

Aye, Captain.

Let's go find that treasure.

The far shore awaits.

We must journey to the other side of the world.

Uh, perhaps we should stock up on some food and water

-before we go, sir? -We've got plenty of water.

Oh, Captain, don't drink that!

[gags]

That water was in there when we bought the canteen.

No telling how old it was.

[spits] It's like salsa!

[grunting]

-Here we are. Come on. -[groans]

I don't feel so well, Mom.

I know, Captain. I know.

You just rest right here.

I'm gonna go into town.

I'm gonna steal us some medicine and some provisions.

You stay right there.

Concentrate on feeling better, sir.

Aye.

[groans]

Err, ten dollars in store credit.

Oh, you're wasting my time.

Give you twenty?

Thirty?

Hmm, forty?

Fifty dollars in cash.

You know,

when you left yesterday, I noticed...

my pirate sword was missing.

You don't know what happened to it,

do you?

No.

I'll just check the video tape later.

Of course, if you give me the treasure map, I'll--

The map is not negotiable.

I'm out of here.

That's how you want to play it, fine!

Stupid thing's probably fake anyway

you pretend, stupid, dimwitted pirate!

You listen to me, you-- I'm a true pirate

and that map is a vintage.

But I happen to have the treasure right now,

loaded up in me boat, in the dock at the Great Sea.

So good day to you, sir.

Good day to you.

Great.

Pretender!

[phone beeps]

I need you to come in and cover the store right now.

But I got some business to attend to! Business.

Alright, call me. Bye.

How much for the bike?

Uh, $250 dollars.

-[grunts] -Where is it,

pee-rat?

I believe the correct term is pirate.

[grunts]

The map.

-Where'd you put it? -[cocks gun]

Where'd you put the map?

Where you'll never find it.

Photographic memory.

Not feeling so well?

What you eat? Something bad?

Oh!

Well thanks for coming to the party!

We've been expecting you.

Now get those supplies. Bring them over here, let's go!

Let's go!

Okay. Okay, that's good. Stop here.

-Stop here. -Fine.

Okay, thank you.

I'll take it from here.

Go sit over by your girlfriend.

He's not my girlfriend.

Now, tell me.

where is the map?

Okay, fellas.

See, I'm not playing games.

I'll ask one last time.

-[gunshot] -[grunts]

-Captain! -[groans] You didn't ask!

-Sit your pirate ass down! -Fine.

The map.

The map!

-It's right over-- -No, Flint! No!

Son of a bitch!

Son of a bitch!

Captain, you don't understand.

He'll use the treasure for evil.

So will we, sir. We're pirates!

Shut up! Both of you.

-Shut up! Shut up! -Wait.

You're still talking!

Now, I'm gonna shoot you in the brain.

[panting]

Huh? That what you want?

-Just give me the map. -Sir,

if I am to die, please do me the honor

of letting me choose my own form of execution.

Okay...

matey.

How would you like to die?

And so it ends.

I leave it to you, Flint.

Do as you must to avenge my death.

It is my honor,

as a pirate...

to give my life to the sea.

Whether I am to drown

or to be eaten by sharks...

or both...

let fate decide.

Captain!

[Kirk screams in pain]

[grunts]

This is much more painful death than I anticipated.

The salt in my wound, it's unbearable!

[laughing hysterically]

Damn! Can we choose another form, please?

What the hell.

-[fires gun repeatedly] -No!

-You bastard! -[grunts]

Oh, my hand!

-[metal plunges into flesh] -[screams]

I can't swim! Help!

It's impossible to drown in these waters!

-[thud] -[groans]

[sobbing]

Death is generally considered the end of everything good.

But often it comes right smack dab in the middle of it all,

working on its own schedule like the rain and the snow,

or the sun.

A person just got to learn to let it happen.

Death is only a season.

You can't stop the work.

I hope that hole is for treasure.

Captain?

Must be succumbing to the heat.

I'm over here, chap.

I can't believe he shot me.

So you are dead then?

It would seem so. [chuckles]

Don't waste time burying my body.

Was gonna give you to the sea, Captain,

but all the salt water, I didn't think you'd sink.

Aye.

Or you can cremate me later and spread my ashes to the waves.

Come, we've got buried treasure to find.

I don't think we're gonna make Mount Crevice

before nightfall.

We should find a place to camp soon.

[groans]

Oh yeah, alright.

Alright, we're good.

I always thought I'd be hanged.

Or poisoned by my crew.

Not you, of course.

I always thought when my time came,

not that I have a say in the matter,

but if I did,

it would be at the stake.

The stake?

You want to be burned alive? [groans in disgust]

And I want my flesh-lit, hickory smoked body

to be thrown to the lions.

My father was killed hunting lions.

-Mauled? -Trampled.

Mom was devastated.

Oh I, I have a letter here from your mom.

Found it on your body.

Would you read it to me?

Yeah.

"Dear Kirk..."

Mrs. I am sorry for the way I behaved.

I love you. I will always love you,

no matter what you decide to be in life,

unless you decide to be a convicted serial killer.

Or a Democrat.

But son, your lifestyle worries me.

There is no room in Heaven for pirates.

Don't you want to go to Heaven?

Please, just think about it.

Come back to me.

I know, together, we can work through this.

"Love, Mom."

Do you suppose she's right?

D'you think there's no place in Heaven for pirates?

I don't know. I heard that somewhere, I suppose.

Maybe that's why I'm still here with you.

Maybe I'm not allowed up there.

[owl hoots]

-[flesh sears] -[groans]

I think it's the right place, sir.

At long last, you've returned.

Shall we settle your account?

Whoa, I've never been here.

[typing]

That's the work of the devil, that is.

Ooh, that one's handsome.

I don't understand.

He's attractive, he's got a charismatic-looking aura,

-his pompy eyes. -Not you, sir.

-You. -That picture was taken

at a time before cameras existed.

Captain, it was a worthy journey this far inland.

Nobody will ever find your treasure where we hid it!

-Shh! -Ha! Alright.

Your map!

And my bill, due immediately.

-The bill. Uh-oh! -[chuckles]

For my services!

It's not easy drafting a treasure map!

Besides, I think you'll find that my prices are reasonable.

Will you accept payment

in the form of me precious metal?

-[metal pierces flesh] -[groans]

[pirates laugh menacingly]

"Here's your bill."

There's your bill now.

No one will ever know the location of me treasure!

Well said, Captain.

Here.

-It makes me sad though. -Why?

-To have to do this. -[groans]

Cutthroat Dan! Consider your treasure cursed!

You have not the power.

Until your debt is paid,

your treasure shall bring death...

[spits]

...to the hand that touches it!

I'll see your insides.

[groans]

Cursed by a mapmaker.

Ain't such a thing possible.

-[arrow pierces flesh] -[groans]

Just our luck.

Map to a cursed treasure.

Damn that Cutthroat!

But the curse can be lifted,

if you pay the bill.

How much is owed?

By today's standards, five dollars.

-Five dollars, I've-- -Plus interest.

Seven percent over two hundred years...

It's $3,764,658 dollars.

-Give or take. -I guess this is yours then.

Stolen over a century ago.

It's no use to us,

with the cursed treasure and all.

[chuckles]

Tough shit.

-Thanks. -[chuckles]

Why don't we just go back and look at the treasure,

just to say we saw it?

-You don't have to touch it. -We don't have the map anymore.

We can't break the curse, we don't have the money.

Oh! Hey,

why don't we use part of the treasure

to pay Cutthroat's debt?

You can't eat a chicken before it's hatched, sir.

What, you can't eat eggs?

Sorry, ma'am.

He said his last wish was to be cremated.

[woman cries softly]

Hola.

Como estas?

[groans]

Babushkar?

Mapa?

Peer-ah-tay?

El eye patch-o, et wooden leg-o.

No habla español.

Really? Okay, that's better for me.

How you doing?

You get much business out here in the middle of...

BFE?

Enough.

Listen,

I'm tracking a kid dressed as a pirate.

You haven't seen one, have you?

Where'd you get that?

It's family heirloom.

Oh really?

What happened to your pirate costume?

I quit.

Turns out I'm not a very good pirate.

Not really very good at anything.

You're good at eating crab.

Just one today?

I'm here on business.

Is the manager here?

No, my dad's the manager.

I'm in charge.

You said they put sugar in those.

I suggest you change it.

I'm looking for Flint Weaver.

White male, early twenties.

I'm told he's a regular customer right here.

Can't say that I recognize the name.

-Recent photo. -Doesn't look familiar.

Well if he comes in, I'd be careful.

He may be dangerous.

You give me a call if you see him.

Tell the other employees too, would you?

Sugar next time.

My crab-loving bad boy!

What did you... do?

Hello, hello, hello.

Good news.

Yeah. I got the map.

No, I didn't get the treasure.

What part of the word "cursed" don't you understand?

Okay, uh listen.

Uh, do you remember that video company

that made those killer commercial for us?

Sometimes, your crap is other people's treasures.

So come on down and let us sell it for more.

Call them and tell them

that I want to give them some more business.

Yeah. Okay.

But we need to have these commercials on air

first thing in the morning.

Yeah, tomorrow morning!

Okay. Call Eli.

[phone beeps]

[knocks on door]

Are you Flint Weaver's grandmother?

I'm Detective Anderson.

You carry your weight very well.

Your grandson just blew a man's brains out.

[thud]

That's not gonna help.

Oh! This is fantastic.

You are a marked man.

[chuckles] Wanted by the local authorities!

Aw! If they find you, they'll hang you!

No, no. I killed that man in self-defense.

They don't care!

You're a pirate.

And pirates don't ever get a fair trial.

I'm not a pirate anymore, sir. I'm sorry.

Balderdash.

What, you think you can choose to be a pirate?

You think I chose to be this way?

We were born for it, Flint.

Anyone who sees you

will look straight to your pirate heart

and know that you are a pirate, through and through!

Perhaps I should take some precautionary measures, sir?

Argh, and ahoy, you precious mateys.

Shiver me timbers and listen up, 'cause the good pirate Drake

is about to change your lives, or whatever.

Would you like to trade your boring,

[yawns] regular life in for one...

sparkling with treasure?

-Yes. -Good,

because...

I thought he was dead.

If he's not dead, why am I wanted for murder?

This isn't another one of those

get rich quick schemes, but guess what?

I did![giggles]

I have found so much,

I don't even know what to do with it anymore.

It's overflowing in all,

uh, six of my mansions.

[whispering] Six mansions...

-But guess what. -Tell me, what?

I recently acquired a new, argh,

never before used pirate map.

I wanna give you the opportunity

to reap the rewards of finding a hidden pirate treasure!

-Me? -Yes.

Just call me at this number.

Can't believe that scallywag.

And for as little as three easy payments

of $69.95,

you could be part of my next expedition.

Wilma! Get the phone! [giggles]

And we're gonna get out of this dump!

Wilma, where you at?

I already have a religion, thank you.

No, wait. I didn't kill your son.

[door slams]

Oh, boys!

I'll take a half a dozen!

We don't work here, chap. We're only stopping for a snack.

Didn't you used to run a map outfit at the--

Not no more!

I got run out of business.

You want me to drop you two some place?

-You mean you, uh... -Yeah, you, and the ghost.

You can see me?

[chuckles] I'm headed off to the North Shore.

I got a tent up there.

-It's much more safe. -No, we're good.

-Thanks. -You can see me?

[chuckles] Ciao!

I wonder how he could see me.

Curses are a strange and hurtful thing.

Can have all sorts of long lasting side effects

and all sorts of unforeseen directions.

Who do you suppose that is?

Who's he talking to?

An example,

a man who dies while on search of a cursed treasure

is liable to get himself stuck in a limbo of sorts,

till that curse is broken.

Are you talking to those tree?

Sometimes, just sometimes,

takes a little bit of getting stuck,

just so you can find your way.

That's it. That's it!

I know what I gotta do!

What is he talking about?

No, I'm at home.

Okay, detective.

I'll see you in a couple of minutes.

[screams] Let me go!

No, I can't be-- I'll give you whatever you want!

Please, just let me go!

-- Hold your tongue. -Mrs. - [screams] Help!

Somebody help! [muffled screams]

It's this one right here.

Good move, Flint!

[growls excitedly] I've always wanted to do that!

You're a bloody real pirate now.

[engine starts up]

So, what do we do now?

Do we make her walk the plank? Hmm?

[knocks on door]

What are you doing?

What are you doing? Are you ordering take-out?

[phone rings]

Argh, Pirate Treasure Hotline.

Are you prepared to join my expedition?

Really? Okay good!

Two of you? Okay, Harold and Maud Hogan.

Phone number, please?

What do you mean, you don't know your phone number?

[laughing nervously] Ah, I do.

Uh, let me just look.

What's your mom's cell phone number?

Eight-oh-one, five-five-five,

three-zero-nine-zero.

Okay, thank you for your time.

Argh! Bye for now.

How did you know my phone number?

I don't like it. I won't even pretend to.

Smells fishy, sounds worse.

I should call the police.

Tell her that would be a mistake.

Kirk says that's not the pirate way.

Kirk is dead!

Yeah, I refuse to believe you can talk to him.

It's not natural!

I hate pirates!

Pardon my nose, ma'am, but why do you hate pirates so?

Ahoy, missy!

Let a professional show you how it's done!

-Argh! -[girls screams]

No! No! Give that back!

Stop it! Give it back!

...stupid like her!

-[vigorous rubbing] -[panting noisily]

[thud]

Daddy?

What are you doing? [screams]

Let me explain!

I have my reasons.

Give me the keys and let's go.

Come on! We have an expedition to prepare for.

Now remember, I'm the leader okay?

And you guys need to follow me and listen closely.

Uh, excuse me.

Argh! And ahoy, me precious mateys.

I know, you must be the Hogans?

Oh, I don't shake. Sorry.

Suit yourself. Packs are over there.

We leave in approximately three minutes.

Okay?

-Okay -Okay.

Excuse me, sir?

Yeah?

How long will it take us to find the treasure?

Well, assuming you come out alive...

-Alive? -Yeah.

-We could die? -Well the treasure is cursed.

[gasps in disappointment]

How'd you know the treasure's cursed?

Uh, I have a backpack.

Isn't all pirate treasure cursed?

Yeah.

Our rules say we're not allowed to search for cursed treasure.

All right, well you know,

rules are rules and we shouldn't break them.

We'd like our money back.

That's impossible!

There's no refunds, everyone!

That's our troop's entire budget for the next year!

Sell more cookies!

Okay! All right.

[vultures screech]

Aye, the map begins on the far side of the lake.

Doesn't he mean the Great Sea?

-[branch whips] -Oh!

There's my eye! That's my eye!

-[groans] -Oh, did it hurt?

Not yet.

-There you go. -Okay, thank you Ms. Hogan.

No, no. Watch your step.

Yeah. I, uh... sure.

Watch your step. Watch your step!

-[metal snaps] -Oh shit! [screams]

Get it off! Get it off!

Not the plant, the trap! Go ahead, go ahead!

-[screams] -Sorry!

You're not helping, Maud!

This isn't working out very well for you.

Perhaps we should go home and try another day.

No. No, we've come this far.

We're 20 feet from your car!

Oh, really?

He's not here.

They went on some sort of treasure hunting expedition.

I don't know where.

I had a chance to look at that surveillance footage.

The Redgrave hostage is there.

Put out an APB

for a blue Cutlass Sierra.

Hey, wait a second. Pirate Drake. Pirate Drake?

Yeah?

If you own six mansions filled with pirate treasure,

how come you work in a pawn shop?

Alright, uh, it's a hobby.

Kind of.

It keeps me busy.

I knew it, I knew it! This whole thing is a sham!

You slimy, no-good liar.

I'll be in first thing tomorrow to claim my in-store credit!

Oh, hey. Just calm down.

-Don't touch me! -[stitches rip]

[screams]

My lucky rabbit's foot!

You know, it's just kinda hard to keep together is all.

I know, I know. There you go.

Thanks, Maud.

Mrs. How'd you lose your hand in the first place?

Yeah, how did you lose your hand?

There was some crazy pirate.

Cut it off with a sword.

Probably deserved it.

Oh, hey. Stop here.

This should be it.

So where is it?

[Kirk whistles]

The entrance is hidden right over there,

behind that brush.

You have to crawl to get inside, so.

The goatee.

I think we should probably split up, yeah?

I will-- I'll go over there.

And one of you go up there.

And Mrs. Red-- I mean, Mom,

if you wanna go down in there.

-It should be good. -Excuse me.

Alright. Call me if you find the entrance.

I want to be the first to be inside of it.

-Look at that! -Where?

Ow!

The treasure's back here, chap!

-- Where are you? -- Keep walking!

[bats squeak]

-Amazing. -Don't touch me treasure!

He's not going to.

-I was not gonna what, sir? -That's what they all say.

Then they fall victim to the siren's call

of this damned curse.

No, not this one.

He's smart. He knows it's cursed.

Who are you talking to?

Old fakey here. Fake pirate.

-I'm not a fake. -Well, your costume's terrible.

-What, you can't--? -You can't-- No?

You're dead as well, aren't you?

Brilliant.

Curse was born with me death.

Should've just paid that damn bill.

Yeah, you should've.

So will your mate do us the honor of breaking the curse?

Well, he'd like to.

It's just, we don't have the money required.

We could use the treasure to pay the debt.

It's cursed.

Not all of it.

Are you sure you picked us a strong and sturdy boat?

Aye, Captain. The strongest they had.

I want the cheapest boat you got.

You are the worst boat maker that I've ever hired!

I will never be able to sell that crap!

I have just the boat for you.

[wood creaks and splinters]

[water rushes in boat]

He said he lost 600 pounds of gold bars

at the bottom of the Great Sea!

Treasure untouched by the curse?

He says he'll show us where it is!

Oh, there you are!

Did you find it?

[panting]

Alright, listen. I know how to break the curse.

Mrs. Where's the treasure?

It's back there.

No, no. Wait, wait.

Mrs. Hold on, I have to see it.

No, I--

Okay, don't touch anything.

Remember the treasure's cursed.

-Exactly. -[cocks pistol]

While you're here, how you doing?

Good-- Oh!

[panting]

Pirate!

You didn't think I knew it was you, did you?

Because I pretended I didn't know it was you.

You wanna know why?

You wanna know why?

Well, you probably don't know this about me,

but I'm a good pretender.

Oh! [gasps]

Be still, my heart.

-Don't touch my treasure! -Mom!

Okay, here's the plan.

You'll go take the treasure,

I'll watch you die,

I'll see how the curse works and figure out how to break it.

Does that sound good?

[screams]

Damn.

Well, I missed it.

Your goods, or your life.

-[sword slices flesh] -[Drake groans]

Oh, Flint! [laughs excitedly]

You with the sword and the... [growls excitedly]!

And sneaking up so sneaky!

Ah, that was incredible!

You make me so proud.

-I'm gonna vomit. -Uh-oh.

Kirk!

Oh, why on Earth

are you still dressed in that ridiculous outfit?

Mother, I'm a pirate.

Ah, well, we'll see what Saint Peter

has to say about that. Guaranteed,

you won't get into Heaven the way you look.

Mother, we're not going anywhere.

Look around, we're cursed.

Let's see what we can do about that curse.

-Right behind you, sir. -Wait!

Okay, very good plan.

I'll stay here, hold down the fort.

[thud]

Well how long is this gonna take?

Couldn't he stop to eat after we've broken the curse?

Why don't you practice patience?

After over 200 years, what's 20 more minutes?

Sorry.

[sighs]

Ahoy, me precious.

Come here, I got something I want to show you.

I don't think I should.

You're coming with me, whether you like it or not.

Now you're speaking my language!

Nice wheels.

This is awkward.

[groaning]

-Suspect spotted! -[radio static]

Suspect spotted! Headed west!

[cell phone beeps]

[tires screech]

Where are you taking me?

You'll see.

Does the lad know where he's going?

[grunts]

[breathing heavily]

I killed a man today, so.

Oh!

What is it?

-Nothing, I... -My fault.

Terrible timing.

Thought I saw a shark right over there...

I scared him away.

-There's no fish in Salt Lake. -No, I know, it's just--

That's nice.

Good! Now that you got that out of the way,

I just wanted to let you know, row that direction.

Aye.

Sir! Stop right there!

I'm Detective Anderson on official police business.

I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to commandeer that vehicle.

Hold it right there.

Stay right there now.

I don't want to have to fire a shot across your bow.

Thank you very much.

Watch the shoes, I'd appreciate it.

You'll get tickets to the police ball if you do it.

Can you give me a push?

Another 50 to 100 yards and we're there,

about ten feet under water.

...40, 41, 42...

You ever gonna tell me what we're doing here?

When I'm ready, lass.

...45, 46, 47...

Odd. This lake used to be wider.

Well, the sea level has dropped in this area

in recent years.

Are you sure nobody's found it?

A pirate knows when his treasure's been touched

by foreign hands.

-Oof! -[Ruby laughs]

You ever go looking for something that

wasn't really all that lost to begin with?

I'd say most of us spend most of our lives

looking for that which was right there all along.

[beeping]

Tragedy of it all is that

we dig and we dig and we dig so desperately

to find whatever it is we're looking for.

Until, of course,

we get tired of digging there and start digging somewhere new.

When, if we'd endured,

if we'd just shoveled away one more pile...

Holy shit!

...we'd have struck gold.

Did you just hit a coffin?

I don't know, I don't know.

Did you steal all of this?

As a matter of fact, I did.

You could say that.

[grunts]

What? What are you doing?

I've got to show this gold to a mapmaker

that lives on the North Shore to pay a debt.

What? Are you crazy?

Do you know how much this is worth?

We should keep this for ourselves and skip town.

No. No, lass.

We would never have to work again!

You don't understand!

I have to use this gold to break a curse

so that my dead friend and captain can rest in peace.

Why didn't you say so?

[thud]

Argh, the curse has long arms.

[thunk]

-[cocks pistol] -[thud]

Drop the weapon, ma'am.

I was just--

You was just beating to death your pirate boyfriend.

I know. I saw.

Turn around.

-Where's Lynn Redgrave, kid? -[Flint groans]

-- She's dead. -- Blast it!

Why did you have to kill her?

He told me why. I'll testify if you let me go.

Tell me, where did you put the body?

Was the pawn shop owner in on it with you?

No, him I did kill.

Bad move.

Left hand, here.

Now the other hand.

-You asked for it. -[groans]

Oh no, you didn't!

I'll get you!

You are fat!

Never thought you'd turn out to be a lowly backstabber.

[groaning]

[vultures screech]

[panting] I'm lost. Can't find the road.

Should've brought my cell phone.

I don't have a cell phone.

I should get a cell phone when I--

...get back! Oh, hello!

Oh my. Where in the world?

[screams in excitement] I'm rich!

One curse is now broken.

Only one?

Oh. Again you help my family.

I'm sorry I arrived late.

He will pay for this.

A pirate treasure he wants...

[spits]

...a pitiful pirate he will be!

[chuckles]

Well no, I didn't get the damn treasure!

It's cursed.

Yeah.

[groans]

Well, at least if I can't have it,

no one else will.

I gotta go.

How much will you give me for that?

[groans]

Goodbye, old friend.

May you rest in peace.

Would you take off that stupid hat?

You look ridiculous!

Welcome, Catherine Redgrave.

The pearly gates are that way.

[jingling bells]

[gasps]

Oh, I'm sorry you can't come with me.

I tried to tell you.

I know, Mother.

Heaven is no place for pirates.

-Exactly right. -[jingling bells]

That's why we have Pirate Heaven.

Pirate Heaven? There's a Pirate Heaven?

Second star on the right, straight on till morning!

No, that way.

To the left.

Boy, you better remember to visit me.

It's the pirate code.

[bell dings]