Original subtitles

2x22 - The Howling Commandos

[thunder cracks]

Welcome, true believers,

to the nightmare that is my reality.

Once, I thought monsters were only a things of fiction.

But no.

These denizens of the dark indeed walk the Earth.

And you know what I did when I found out the truth on Halloween night?

I totally did not freak out, not at all.

Boo.

[screams]

Spider-Man, meet the Howling Commandos.

[howls]

Good boy. Heel. Stay. Don't eat me.

[Werewolf] Jack Russell, A.K.A. Werewolf by night.

And don't worry, kid. I'm a vegetarian.

You said we'd find warriors here, Fury. Not children.

- M-m-mommy? - "Mummy."

The living Mummy N'Kantu,

if you must address me directly.

Whoa-whoa-whoa!

Hello, new friend. Play tag?

[laughs]

You bouncey. I like you.

You're it.

[Fury] If you haven't already guessed, he's Frankenstein's Monster.

Howling Commandos? How many secret teams do you have, Nick?

Fury likes to keep his monsters hidden.

[sighs] We've been through this before, N'Kantu.

The world's not ready to face certain truths.

- I'm not sure I'm ready... - Heh. You think we're freaky.

- Wait until you see the "big guy." - He's not the "big guy"?

No, but I have a big heart. Wanna see?

[Fury] Later, Frank.

We stepped into a pile of undead, Spider-Man,

and the Howling Commandos are here to bail us out.

- Tell them what happened. - Okay, here it goes...

Dracula is real...

[chirping]

...and you knew that.

- Well, he wants this Ankh-thingie... - Tekhamatep's Ankh?

When I was Pharaoh,

this object of power was most coveted in my kingdom.

Dracula thinks it'll let him and his army walk in the day

and he's hypnotized my team into helping him get it.

That it will... and so much more.

Well, looks like we got some dirty work to do, Commandos.

We'll take it from here, kid.

What? Wait. I'm not staying here.

It's my team he Dracula-jacked.

We are the cursed and undead, boy.

Who in all your darkest dreams do you imagine

is better equipped to destroy a monster than us?

[Spider-Man] Huh?

[Dracula] Brave words, fallen king,

but they are only words.

Get the Ankh. Destroy them all.

[Super Heroes] Yes, lord Dracula.

Worst Halloween ever.

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[Spider-Man] Guys, wake up and smell the garlic.

Dracula's the bad guy.

Fire bad, but firepower good.

[Spider-Man]No! Wait! These are my friends.

They're hypnotized. Don't hurt them...

Aah!

Not exactly helping my argument, Power Man.

Weapons on stun. These are our people.

He said "stun." Not "filet."

Ah, kid, look past the fur. We are the professionals.

- Trust us. - That's just not gonna... [grunts]

...fly!

You guys are pros.

I'll take those, th-Ankh you.

[Dracula] I think not, mortal.

Whoa, nice shooting, Frankie.

Tiger! No!

N'Kantu, lock it down before Dracula can escape.

As you command, Fury.

N'ra katu n'tu oso ra akul.

Hurry up with the hocus-pocus.

It is done. Away.

- No! - Dracula chose his pawns wisely.

Their interference prevented me from completing the spell.

- Those "pawns" are my team, and... - You got any loved ones?

Of course I do, but what does that have to do with anything?

Dracula can't use the Ankh until sunrise.

He's possessed your team, so he knows your secrets.

If you care for anyone, they're a target.

Boo. [laughs] Happy Halloween.

Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

She's a great witch. Right, Aunt May?

Having a vampire-free evening?

Oh, my gosh, I just totally revealed my secret identity

- to Aunt May... - Oh, Peter, what a lame costume.

I thought you were going out as a ghost.

Uh-uhm... the store was all out of ghosts...

Did you say "lame?"

Oh, that doesn't look anything like the real thing.

I'd get my money back if I were you.

[chuckles]

But these are great costumes!

Oh, let me guess... Luke, Danny, and Sam?

Call me N'Kantu, woma... [grunts]

- Where's Ava? - Um, she's the Invisible Girl.

We're meeting her at a party, but we wanted to check on you...

Check on me? [laughs] This is my favorite holiday.

You're the one who hates monsters.

[monsters growl]

- "Hate" is a very strong word... - [Aunt May] Gummy brains?

Have fun, everyone.

[clears throat] Well, I guess you were wrong.

Dracula didn't come after my Aunt.

[growls]

[growls]

Blade. Fury didn't mention you were on this job.

Wasn't till word spread all over the underworld

that Dracula got the Ankh and vampires are ready take over.

Now I see how he did it. [growl]

Tracked a swarm of shadow-fangs

hoping they were gonna lead me to him.

Found you instead. Eating candy.

[growls]

Wild stab in the dark... you guys know each other?

Commandos, secure this place.

I don't know what happened between the two of you,

but I need to save my team and protect Aunt May.

Fine.

[Werewolf] Top of the line tech and best of the old school magic.

Weaponized garlic spray.

Wide U.V. spectrum lamps.

N'Kantu's wards of protection. [chanting]

N'ra katu n'tu oso ra akul.

Nothing's getting into your aunt's house.

Trick or treat. Smell my feet.

Give me something good to... Whah?

[hisses]

Okay. A tiny bright spot in an

- otherwise horrible Halloween. - Say that at dawn,

when Dracula unites the pieces of the Ankh and vampires rule.

Way to kill a moment.

We have to get to Transylvania now.

Transylvania? That's a real place?

- Let's call Fury for a ride. - Our ride's already here.

Whoa.

[Werewolf] Kid, meet the Monster Truck.

That is the coolest thing ever!

Cool ride. So this is how the howlers roll?

They call it the "monster truck."

I am told that this passes for humor to your modern ears.

Direct attack?

Why don't we just ask for two holes in the neck?

We use stealth. Or are you worried no one

will notice you fighting in your awesome leather pants?

"Stealth?" Dracula will smell "wet dog" from ten miles out.

[laughs]

- What's so funny? - Now I get it.

You guys used to be teammates, right?

Oh, come on. I'm on a team of teenagers.

Nova and I invented infighting. Insults, name calling,

mayonnaise-in-the-helmet, but, you know, from the heart.

You see a whole lot of hearts on this team?

Um, three out of four?

[Mummy laughs]

Look, you don't have to get along all the time,

but when there's a job to do a real team puts all that stuff aside.

That's what I need you to do, right now,

so I can get my friends back... alive.

[alarm] We've arrived. Dracula's domain.

So, what's the plan? We gonna ring the doorbell and run?

Guess they already know that one.

Okay. What's our play?

Don't worry, little bug, S.H.I.E.L.D.'s sending in the big guy.

"Big guy?" what is he, the Invisible Man?

You'll see.

[Spider-Man] Whoa. What is that?

[Mummy] That, child, is the Man-Thing.

Awesome!

Ohh. This place hurts my brain.

Enter if you wish, but do not dare to hope...

hope has no place in these halls.

I've got enough for everyone.

Am I the only one fighting vampires here?

One word people... floss.

When did I suddenly get put on the menu?

Thanks, Mr. ... Man? Or... or, Mr. Thing?

- He likes you. - Ugh. Really. How can you tell?

You didn't explode at his touch.

Okay. Good to know.

[laughs]

Dawn is almost upon us.

Dracula cannot be allowed to activate the Ankh or all is lost.

[Dracula laughing]

I have enough trouble with the mazes on the kids' menu.

[grunting]

[crash] [cat meows]

Dracula mesmerized my team. What if this is a trick?

An illusion. We can't trust our eyes.

Then what do we trust? [sniffing]

Kid's right. Dracula's closer than we think.

- Will you follow me one more time, Blade? - I'm in. Let's go.

Oh, yeah. The nose knows.

[laughs] Congratulations.

You've hastened your destruction.

It is almost sunrise.

- We got this. Save your friends. - Stick with your team.

- Where are we? - How did I get here?

What's going on?

Dracula. Ankh. Vampire apocalypse...

follow me!

- Howling Commandos? Nice. - You know them?

It's in the manual on S.H.I.E.L.D.'s secret ops teams.

There's a manual?

You are too late, Commandos.

After so many centuries, to walk in the light.

No longer shall I rule from the shadows.

The Ankh is complete.

Vampire king? Ugh, that bites.

[Dracula] Dawn comes and with it a new king.

The bridge of the undead has been reforged.

- No! - Frankie, throw me.

[Frank] Here's Spidey.

Yeah!

No!

[grunts]

It burns!

[screams]

Enjoy your day in the sun while you can.

Night always returns, and so does Dracula.

No!

[sniffs] He's gone. I'm sorry.

- Winners! - Ahh...

Watch it, big guy. All these parts are mine.

[sighs] We may have gotten the Ankh, but Dracula got away and

made a scary threat that'll keep me checking under the bed forever.

We still have a shot at him if we work as a team.

You're serious? I doubt... hey!

[screams]

N'Kantu, what are you doing?

Mummy totally t-peed me.

I was once a conqueror of men. A Pharaoh...

I have waited millennia to be so again.

The Ankh of Tekhamatep will restore me to greatness.

Yes, the power, I feel it.

I summon the Flail of Anubis and the Crook of Osiris.

[grunts]

Mummy, stop. We're your friends.

You are Fury's collection of freaks. Nothing more.

Our time together in bondage has earned you only my pity.

[all scream]

I spare you the pain I shall bring upon Fury.

[Nova] How are we gonna deal with that?

Luke, you may want to hold on to something.

- Why? - You're about to get airsick. [whistles]

Has anybody seen a giant Pharaoh?

Oh.

Bow before your Pharaoh, mortals, and pay me tribute.

So now it's a completely different kind of monster movie.

One that requires a giant turtle or butterfly to fight for humanity.

The Pharaoh's got the height advantage.

- And the power... - We've got a team... times two.

Fury, I am no longer yours to command.

Come to me or I will smash your city to the ground.

Be the first to bow before...

[Fury] N'Kantu. Boo.

[Pharaoh] No, bow.

Hey, you guys don't happen to know a giant gorilla

- who could take this guy down? - No. It's over.

I think you got hit too hard.

- You mean... - He means "it's over."

N'Kantu not only has the Ankh.

He knows everything about us. Powers, tactics, weaknesses.

- He was one of us... - And now he's not. So what?

Without "bandage boy" you're just a bunch of freaks

with a drooling truck? You're the Howling Commandos.

More than that, beneath all the slime the fur and the shades,

I think you're actually friends.

My friends don't quit. Ever. What about yours?

So you got any ideas or just good speeches?

Oh, yeah. You don't call him "the big guy" for nothing, right?

Well he's gonna need a lot more raw material

before he could face something Pharaoh's size.

Welcome to the New York sewer system,

one-stop-shop for all your slimy needs.

Hey, Mummy! Say hello to our giant sized Man-Thing!

I've waited thousands of years for this.

No mindless pile of leaves is going to keep me from my destiny.

But a ton of webbing will. Do your thing, Man-Thing.

I've had enough of your mouth, insect.

You shall be the first soldier of my undead army...

Commandos, monster up.

No! Get off of me.

[screams]

I got you, buddy.

Waaah!

Uh-oh.

[growls]

Hey, everybody get the Ankh!

Does anybody have any scissors or a...

Oh, right, Blade.

You dare!

Yah!

No!

[screaming]

You rock. Or mud or whatever you're made of.

You're awesome.

You're all awesome, monster... hero... team.

Howling Commandos, your work here today is to be commended.

On behalf of S.H.I.E.L.D., thank you.

Thank them. We wouldn't have survived

the Dracula-Pharaoh double team without them.

Speaking of teams, Blade? Come on. Where's the love?

He's not big on mushy endings. But don't worry.

Dracula's still out there, and we're... working on it.

- S what teammates do. Right, kid? - Yes, they do.

Oh, but if not, you should get an Invisible Man.

He'd be stealthy, get on buses for free, and...

[shrieks]

What just happened to my pants?

That's Max. He was guarding your aunt's house.

[Invisible Man] Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm the Invisible Man.

Huh? Who? What? Where?

[grunts] Whoa! Aah!

Oh, cool. I got pantsed by the Invisible Man!

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