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Subtitles by explosiveskull
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SAMIR: It s crazy times,
guys, cr azy times.
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00:00:12,695 --> 00:00:14,397
So one side is saying,
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00:00:14,430 --> 00:00:17,400
"Hey, people are killing
each other with machine guns.
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00:00:17,433 --> 00:00:20,837
"Maybe normal civilians
shouldnt have machine guns,
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00:00:20,870 --> 00:00:24,741
and only soldiers who are
in an active ground war."
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00:00:24,774 --> 00:00:26,709
And then the other side
is saying,
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00:00:26,743 --> 00:00:28,244
"Well, you cant
take away machine guns
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00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:29,946
"because of
the Second Amendment.
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00:00:29,979 --> 00:00:32,615
"The Second Amendment,
you cant regulate guns
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00:00:32,649 --> 00:00:34,617
because of
the Second Amendment."
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00:00:34,651 --> 00:00:37,620
So, to be clear,
your argument is
13
00:00:37,654 --> 00:00:40,557
that guns should have
no regulations on them
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00:00:40,590 --> 00:00:42,292
because of the Second Amendment,
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00:00:42,325 --> 00:00:44,761
which literally starts
with the words,
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00:00:44,794 --> 00:00:48,464
"A well regulated."
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00:00:48,498 --> 00:00:49,966
Thats literally how it starts!
18
00:00:49,999 --> 00:00:53,603
And the whole amendment
has 27 words,
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and three of them
are "a," "well,"
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00:00:57,006 --> 00:00:59,475
and "regulated."
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Thats 11.1%, folks.
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(light laughter)
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You know?
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00:01:04,647 --> 00:01:05,949
I know what this guys thinking.
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00:01:05,982 --> 00:01:08,751
This guys like, "But, Samir,
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00:01:08,785 --> 00:01:10,520
11.1% isnt that much."
27
00:01:10,553 --> 00:01:12,956
But imagine youre on a plane,
28
00:01:12,989 --> 00:01:15,391
and halfway through your
journey, the pilot comes on
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and hes like, "Hey, folks.
30
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"Classic good news, bad news.
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"Good news, well be getting you
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89% of the way there.
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Bad news, that puts us
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at the bottom
of the Atlantic Ocean.
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(light laughter)
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00:01:31,708 --> 00:01:35,011
(throats clearing)
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(man sighs)
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All right.
Thats my time. Thank you.
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(indistinct chatter)
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00:01:48,091 --> 00:01:50,460
Hey, Al.
Uh, something cheap and brown.
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No ice.
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(ice clinking,
drink pours)
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JOE:
Looking good, Tiff. Huh?
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00:01:58,434 --> 00:02:00,436
Special occasion, huh?
Come on. Perfect. Thank you.
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00:02:00,470 --> 00:02:01,838
WOMAN:
Leave me alone.
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00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:03,773
JOE: Let me try
some new stuff on you.
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00:02:03,806 --> 00:02:06,809
Hey, why do they call me
the gravedigger, huh?
48
00:02:06,843 --> 00:02:08,711
Cause Id like to
bury my face in those boobs.
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00:02:08,745 --> 00:02:11,381
(laughing)
Okay. Okay.
50
00:02:11,414 --> 00:02:13,816
Okay, heres some advice
if you want some:
51
00:02:13,850 --> 00:02:15,918
maybe you should try
putting some jokes in there.
52
00:02:15,952 --> 00:02:18,588
Yeah, well, I dont want to do
jokes about cats versus dogs,
53
00:02:18,621 --> 00:02:19,656
and New York versus L.A.,
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00:02:19,689 --> 00:02:22,058
and airline food, and
ethnic stereotypes, okay?
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00:02:22,091 --> 00:02:24,060
Didi? If you dont
make people think,
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00:02:24,093 --> 00:02:26,029
your comedys never
going to matter.
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00:02:26,062 --> 00:02:27,897
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
hold on.
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00:02:27,930 --> 00:02:29,932
People like my act, okay?
59
00:02:29,966 --> 00:02:32,802
I have 59,000 followers.
Mm-hmm.
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00:02:32,835 --> 00:02:34,837
So I should be
more like Joe Donner
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00:02:34,871 --> 00:02:36,572
and murder some people?
MAN: Come on, what?
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00:02:36,606 --> 00:02:39,575
Come on, you and me and a bottle of beer.
WOMAN: No, thanks.
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00:02:39,609 --> 00:02:40,843
Come on, baby.
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00:02:40,877 --> 00:02:42,578
Come on, he didnt.
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He didnt.
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00:02:44,447 --> 00:02:47,817
What? (laughing)
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00:02:47,850 --> 00:02:50,720
The legal system ruled
it wasnt murder.
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00:02:50,753 --> 00:02:52,088
Yeah, they fucked that up.
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00:02:52,121 --> 00:02:52,922
But you know what?
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00:02:52,955 --> 00:02:55,591
That is exactly
your problem, Samir.
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00:02:55,625 --> 00:02:56,726
Funny is funny.
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00:02:56,759 --> 00:02:57,794
And that dude--
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00:02:57,827 --> 00:03:00,163
not you, but that dude--
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00:03:00,196 --> 00:03:01,130
is funny.
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00:03:03,199 --> 00:03:04,167
Okay?
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00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,002
No, thats...
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00:03:06,936 --> 00:03:08,104
Okay. Well, good talk.
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00:03:08,137 --> 00:03:09,839
Hey, could you put
that all in an e-mail
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00:03:09,872 --> 00:03:11,140
and, uh, send it
to the ocean?
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00:03:11,174 --> 00:03:13,643
Yeah, sure.
Hey, could you suck my vagina?
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00:03:13,676 --> 00:03:14,944
(laughing)
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What matters is
not followers.
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What matters is adjusted...
Gross income.
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00:03:20,783 --> 00:03:23,786
Yeah, we all know
that JC Wheel...
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00:03:23,820 --> 00:03:26,522
JC Wheeler.
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00:03:26,556 --> 00:03:29,559
Ah. In the fleshy flesh.
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00:03:29,592 --> 00:03:30,693
Oh, man, I--
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00:03:30,727 --> 00:03:31,994
Hey, can-- hey,
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00:03:32,028 --> 00:03:34,997
I am such
a fan of yours.
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00:03:35,031 --> 00:03:37,600
I mean, I know everyones a fan
of yours, but Im the...
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00:03:37,633 --> 00:03:39,702
Thank you.
Hows your day?
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00:03:39,736 --> 00:03:41,137
Whatve you been doing?
93
00:03:41,170 --> 00:03:44,207
Man. You were everywhere
and then you just disappeared.
94
00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:46,476
You had it all.
What happened?
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00:03:46,509 --> 00:03:49,045
I had it all.
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00:03:50,713 --> 00:03:53,049
Hey, I saw your set.
Oh, you did?
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00:03:53,082 --> 00:03:56,152
Oh, man-- feel free to
tell me to go fuck myself,
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00:03:56,185 --> 00:03:57,987
but if you have
any notes for me
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00:03:58,020 --> 00:03:59,722
or anything,
Ill give you anything.
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00:03:59,756 --> 00:04:01,023
Ill give you my dog.
101
00:04:01,057 --> 00:04:03,459
Well, its not my dog.
Its my girlfriends dog.
102
00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:04,761
But weve been dating
since high school,
103
00:04:04,794 --> 00:04:06,028
so its basically my dog.
104
00:04:06,062 --> 00:04:07,597
My dog, her dog.
Dogs a dog.
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00:04:07,630 --> 00:04:08,765
Your dog if you want it.
106
00:04:08,798 --> 00:04:10,967
See, all this shit is funny.
107
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,169
Funnier than the Second
Amendment, Ill tell you that.
108
00:04:13,202 --> 00:04:15,905
Well, obviously, its not
the amendment thats funny.
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00:04:15,938 --> 00:04:17,573
What I find funny
is the fraudulent...
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00:04:17,607 --> 00:04:18,674
Next.
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00:04:18,708 --> 00:04:19,675
What?
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00:04:19,709 --> 00:04:21,778
Next topic.
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(chuckles)
Thats funny.
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00:04:24,147 --> 00:04:25,782
But seriously,
if you have any notes
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for me, you know...
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00:04:26,816 --> 00:04:28,551
You want notes?
Yeah.
117
00:04:28,584 --> 00:04:29,952
Fuck politics.
118
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The audience dont care
about what you think.
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They care about
you.
120
00:04:35,625 --> 00:04:36,692
Right.
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00:04:36,726 --> 00:04:38,027
Yeah, I know
everyone says
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be personal,
truth in comedy,
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00:04:39,595 --> 00:04:42,098
but dont you think
thats a bit of a cop-out?
124
00:04:42,131 --> 00:04:44,667
The audience doesnt want
to hear you make points.
125
00:04:44,700 --> 00:04:46,202
You dating
a high school girl?
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00:04:46,235 --> 00:04:48,137
Now thats interesting. Oh.
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00:04:48,171 --> 00:04:49,806
Im not dating a
high school girl. We...
128
00:04:49,839 --> 00:04:52,074
Now thats comedy.
129
00:04:52,108 --> 00:04:54,544
Right, but isnt that
gross and exhibitionistic?
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00:04:54,577 --> 00:04:56,746
Isnt the whole point
to provide insight
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into the human condition?
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00:04:58,281 --> 00:05:00,249
Provide insight, huh.
133
00:05:01,918 --> 00:05:03,820
What do you want?
134
00:05:03,853 --> 00:05:05,555
Are you happy
with your life?
135
00:05:05,588 --> 00:05:06,689
With your career?
136
00:05:06,722 --> 00:05:08,858
Dont you want it all?
137
00:05:12,295 --> 00:05:14,163
Yes. More than anything.
138
00:05:16,232 --> 00:05:18,634
You have one thing.
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00:05:18,668 --> 00:05:20,236
One natural resource.
140
00:05:20,269 --> 00:05:23,706
You are a country
with one export.
141
00:05:23,739 --> 00:05:26,275
And you are the export.
142
00:05:26,309 --> 00:05:28,678
Ill tell you a secret.
143
00:05:28,711 --> 00:05:32,882
Put yourself out there
and you will get laughs.
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00:05:32,915 --> 00:05:35,718
You will
be successful.
145
00:05:35,751 --> 00:05:39,088
Are you sure...
thats what you want?
146
00:05:40,156 --> 00:05:41,791
Yes.
147
00:05:41,824 --> 00:05:43,693
Now you have to be sure
to be sure.
148
00:05:43,726 --> 00:05:45,328
Cause once you put it
out there...
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00:05:45,361 --> 00:05:48,865
the audience will take it in.
They will connect.
150
00:05:48,898 --> 00:05:52,268
And once they connect to it...
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00:05:52,301 --> 00:05:53,603
its theirs.
152
00:05:53,636 --> 00:05:56,138
And once its theirs...
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00:05:56,172 --> 00:05:59,275
that shit is gone forever.
154
00:06:01,177 --> 00:06:05,281
Listen, my life is okay.
Its fine.
155
00:06:05,314 --> 00:06:08,050
But you dont choose comedy
because you want a fine life,
156
00:06:08,084 --> 00:06:12,054
you choose comedy
because you want it all.
157
00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:14,624
Hmm.
158
00:06:17,727 --> 00:06:19,061
Well, okay, then.
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00:06:27,803 --> 00:06:29,972
(loud laughter)
Right? Right?
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00:06:30,006 --> 00:06:33,976
(cheers and applause) And let me tell
you, your next guest
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needs no introduction.
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00:06:35,378 --> 00:06:36,212
Im Joe Donner.
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00:06:36,245 --> 00:06:38,714
And youre a bunch
of fucking idiots!
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00:06:38,748 --> 00:06:40,383
(cheering and applause)
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00:06:40,416 --> 00:06:43,686
(belches, blows)
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00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:52,695
(microphone feedback)
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00:06:54,864 --> 00:06:58,668
Hi, everybody. Hi.
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00:06:58,701 --> 00:07:01,971
So, the Second Amendment,
which people use to justify
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00:07:02,004 --> 00:07:04,073
having their, uh, uh,
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00:07:04,106 --> 00:07:06,642
having no regulations
on guns, um,
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00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:11,113
actually begins with the
words, "A well regulated."
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00:07:11,147 --> 00:07:13,182
(microphone feedback)
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00:07:13,215 --> 00:07:16,018
11.1 perc-- percent
of the whole thing.
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00:07:22,124 --> 00:07:24,660
I wish you could all see
your own faces right now.
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00:07:24,694 --> 00:07:27,063
You have the exact expression
that my dog has
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00:07:27,096 --> 00:07:28,698
when shes taking a shit.
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00:07:28,731 --> 00:07:29,699
(laughter)
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00:07:33,135 --> 00:07:35,037
Like, "Dont look at me."
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00:07:35,071 --> 00:07:37,740
"Why are you here
watching this?"
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00:07:37,773 --> 00:07:41,043
(laughter) "There has to be
a better way to do this."
181
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,717
Okay. Okay, you want
to talk about this?
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00:07:47,750 --> 00:07:49,085
Okay, I-I love my dog.
183
00:07:49,118 --> 00:07:52,254
The other day,
she peed on my pizza.
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00:07:52,288 --> 00:07:53,856
(laughter)
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00:07:53,889 --> 00:07:55,124
But thats my fault.
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00:07:55,157 --> 00:07:56,926
I shouldnt have yelled at her
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00:07:56,959 --> 00:07:58,861
while she was standing
on my pizza.
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00:07:58,894 --> 00:08:00,896
(laughter)
189
00:08:00,930 --> 00:08:04,033
(applause)
190
00:08:04,066 --> 00:08:05,901
But I-- Shes cool.
191
00:08:05,935 --> 00:08:07,937
Um, her name is Cat.
192
00:08:07,970 --> 00:08:09,705
(laughter)
193
00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:11,807
Which I know sounds like
a stupid name for a dog,
194
00:08:11,841 --> 00:08:15,745
but thats only because it is
a stupid name for a dog.
195
00:08:15,778 --> 00:08:17,179
(laughter)
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00:08:17,213 --> 00:08:20,082
Its even stupider
when you realize
197
00:08:20,116 --> 00:08:22,885
its actually short
for Cat-erpillar.
198
00:08:22,918 --> 00:08:25,187
(loud laughter and applause)
199
00:08:29,792 --> 00:08:31,761
(people whooping)
200
00:08:54,884 --> 00:08:56,385
(drops keys)
201
00:09:01,957 --> 00:09:04,827
(whispering): Cat.
202
00:09:04,860 --> 00:09:07,997
Cat. Come here, baby.
203
00:09:08,030 --> 00:09:12,234
(clicking tongue)
Cat. Cat.
204
00:09:13,369 --> 00:09:15,504
Cat?
205
00:09:26,849 --> 00:09:28,250
Hey, Rena?
206
00:09:28,284 --> 00:09:29,785
I really killed tonight.
207
00:09:29,819 --> 00:09:34,090
Its my best set ever.
(exhales) Mm.
208
00:09:34,123 --> 00:09:35,324
Thats great.
209
00:09:35,357 --> 00:09:37,960
They were laughing at
stuff I was saying,
210
00:09:37,993 --> 00:09:39,295
at the punch lines.
211
00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:41,964
And at the end, they
cheered so hard, I was like,
212
00:09:41,997 --> 00:09:43,833
"Whats that?"
and I was like, "Oh,
213
00:09:43,866 --> 00:09:45,401
thats for me."
214
00:09:45,434 --> 00:09:47,536
Ive never felt
anything like it.
215
00:09:49,071 --> 00:09:51,540
Hey, wheres Cat?
216
00:09:51,574 --> 00:09:53,576
Huh?
217
00:09:53,609 --> 00:09:56,112
No, you just sleep.
Im gonna go walk the dog,
218
00:09:56,145 --> 00:09:57,246
but I cant find her.
219
00:09:57,279 --> 00:10:00,349
Oh, I thought you said "dog."
220
00:10:00,382 --> 00:10:03,586
Yeah. Cat.
Wheres Cat?
221
00:10:03,619 --> 00:10:06,322
Oh, my God, you didnt
leave the door open, did you?
222
00:10:07,890 --> 00:10:10,025
Or the window?
223
00:10:10,059 --> 00:10:12,428
I dont know what this game is,
Samir, but Im trying to sleep.
224
00:10:12,461 --> 00:10:15,397
Our dog, Rena.
Wheres our dog?
225
00:10:15,431 --> 00:10:16,499
What?
226
00:10:16,532 --> 00:10:19,869
We dont have a dog
or a cat, Samir.
227
00:10:19,902 --> 00:10:21,871
Youre so annoying.
228
00:10:34,283 --> 00:10:38,888
NARRATOR: Sa mir Wassan is
an artist of great principle.
229
00:10:38,921 --> 00:10:41,891
A man who refuses to
compromise his beliefs
230
00:10:41,924 --> 00:10:43,926
for a cheap joke.
231
00:10:43,959 --> 00:10:47,163
But tonight, he felt
the rush of the limelight
232
00:10:47,196 --> 00:10:49,431
for the first time.
233
00:10:49,465 --> 00:10:51,534
Now, hell have to decide
234
00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:55,538
what really matters to him
when the laughter stops.
235
00:10:55,571 --> 00:10:59,942
And how much hes willing
to give... to The Twilight Zone.
236
00:11:01,944 --> 00:11:03,212
(The Twilight Zone
theme playing)
237
00:11:03,245 --> 00:11:04,513
NARRATOR: Youre traveling
th rough another dimension,
238
00:11:04,547 --> 00:11:08,551
a dimension not only of si
ght and sound but of mind.
239
00:11:08,584 --> 00:11:11,921
It is the middle ground
be tween light and shadow,
240
00:11:11,954 --> 00:11:14,557
between science
an d superstition.
241
00:11:14,590 --> 00:11:17,293
And it lies between
th e pit of ones fears
242
00:11:17,326 --> 00:11:20,029
and the summit of
ones knowledge.
243
00:11:20,062 --> 00:11:23,165
You are now traveling through
a dimension of imagination.
244
00:11:23,199 --> 00:11:27,369
Youve just crossed over
in to The Twilight Zone.
245
00:11:34,410 --> 00:11:36,178
DEVEN:
What happened to that bus stop?
246
00:11:36,212 --> 00:11:38,480
SAMIR: Theres a very bad man
whos another comic here,
247
00:11:38,514 --> 00:11:40,649
he got drunk and drove into it.
People died.
248
00:11:40,683 --> 00:11:42,651
Anyway, could you give me
a hand here?
249
00:11:44,587 --> 00:11:46,288
Is this a part
of your act?
250
00:11:46,322 --> 00:11:48,424
No. I had to google
Jack Russell Terriers
251
00:11:48,457 --> 00:11:50,960
because I couldnt find
any pictures of Cat on my phone,
252
00:11:50,993 --> 00:11:51,894
which is so strange,
253
00:11:51,927 --> 00:11:53,596
cause I take pictures of her
all the time.
254
00:11:53,629 --> 00:11:55,998
I dont get it.
Whos Cat?
255
00:11:56,031 --> 00:11:58,067
Oh, okay.
256
00:11:58,100 --> 00:11:59,435
Rena put you up to this.
257
00:11:59,468 --> 00:12:01,370
Okay. Okay. What?
258
00:12:01,403 --> 00:12:03,639
What? No. I like
seeing you do stand-up.
259
00:12:03,672 --> 00:12:06,242
You know what?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
260
00:12:06,275 --> 00:12:08,077
You and Rena do
your hilarious prank.
261
00:12:08,110 --> 00:12:09,178
Its very funny.
262
00:12:09,211 --> 00:12:10,613
Very funny.
263
00:12:10,646 --> 00:12:12,281
Come on.
264
00:12:12,314 --> 00:12:14,416
(jazz music playing)
265
00:12:17,186 --> 00:12:19,555
Hey, uh, is JC Wheeler
here today?
266
00:12:19,588 --> 00:12:21,457
(chuckles):
Yeah, right.
267
00:12:21,490 --> 00:12:23,225
That signs so funny.
268
00:12:23,259 --> 00:12:24,693
"No apostrophes."
269
00:12:24,727 --> 00:12:28,130
Yeah, you might be
the target audience.
270
00:12:28,163 --> 00:12:29,431
I dont get it.
271
00:12:29,465 --> 00:12:30,733
Cause the clubs
called Eddies,
272
00:12:30,766 --> 00:12:33,402
but youd think that
it would be Eddies.
273
00:12:33,435 --> 00:12:35,137
But then this signs
saying that,
274
00:12:35,170 --> 00:12:37,239
no, it is actually Eddies,
275
00:12:37,273 --> 00:12:40,743
its just that we dont allow
apostrophes, so now its Eddies.
276
00:12:40,776 --> 00:12:42,378
That is funny.
277
00:12:42,411 --> 00:12:44,046
Yeah, its really clever.
278
00:12:44,079 --> 00:12:46,181
DIDI:
Hey, girls.
279
00:12:46,215 --> 00:12:47,650
What is this?
Community service?
280
00:12:47,683 --> 00:12:49,151
Oh, this is Deven, my nephew.
281
00:12:49,184 --> 00:12:50,286
Hes, uh, staying with me.
282
00:12:50,319 --> 00:12:51,987
Actually, Im Renas nephew.
283
00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:53,722
Oh, shit!
284
00:12:53,756 --> 00:12:55,190
He said check your lane.
285
00:12:55,224 --> 00:12:56,558
He did not say
"check your lane."
286
00:12:56,592 --> 00:12:58,127
He said check
your bitch-ass lane.
287
00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:00,029
SAMIR: Dont say the--
any of the bad words.
288
00:13:00,062 --> 00:13:01,563
Hes staying with us.
289
00:13:01,597 --> 00:13:03,098
Hes in from out of town.
290
00:13:03,132 --> 00:13:04,366
Hey, handsome.
291
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:08,537
So, you seen Uncle Samir
do his "comedy" before,
292
00:13:08,570 --> 00:13:11,707
or is this the first time
youve had the "privilege"?
293
00:13:11,740 --> 00:13:14,143
Ive seen him do it
a couple of times,
294
00:13:14,176 --> 00:13:15,744
but you know, youre
actually kind of
295
00:13:15,778 --> 00:13:17,713
what made me want to be
a stand-up comic.
296
00:13:17,746 --> 00:13:18,681
Just like you.
297
00:13:18,714 --> 00:13:20,716
Oh, thats so nice.
Thank you for telling me.
298
00:13:20,749 --> 00:13:21,984
DEVEN:
Well, I mean,
299
00:13:22,017 --> 00:13:24,687
not just like you.
I kind of want to be, like...
300
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:28,023
you know, a good comedian?
301
00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:31,327
Oh, shit! Language.
302
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:34,063
Nephews funny, dude. All right.
303
00:13:34,096 --> 00:13:35,464
Okay, um, I got to use
the restroom
304
00:13:35,497 --> 00:13:36,732
before I get up on stage.
305
00:13:36,765 --> 00:13:39,601
Why dont you just take a shit
on stage like you did last time?
306
00:13:39,635 --> 00:13:46,308
And three of the 27 words are,
"A well regulated."
307
00:13:46,342 --> 00:13:49,311
(phones chiming)
308
00:13:56,285 --> 00:13:59,488
Geez. You know what?
309
00:13:59,521 --> 00:14:01,256
Maybe Ill pull out
my phone, too.
310
00:14:01,290 --> 00:14:03,525
Maybe we can text, you know?
311
00:14:03,559 --> 00:14:05,294
Whats everyones phone number?
312
00:14:05,327 --> 00:14:07,563
You guys are just like
my nephew.
313
00:14:07,596 --> 00:14:09,231
I can only get through to him
314
00:14:09,264 --> 00:14:12,768
if I text him. (laughter)
315
00:14:17,206 --> 00:14:18,307
Yeah.
316
00:14:18,340 --> 00:14:20,509
Hey,
317
00:14:20,542 --> 00:14:22,511
asshole.
(laughter)
318
00:14:22,544 --> 00:14:24,480
Get off your phone,
Im talking about you.
319
00:14:24,513 --> 00:14:27,649
(applause and laughter)
320
00:14:27,683 --> 00:14:30,486
Hes ten years old, hes ten,
321
00:14:30,519 --> 00:14:33,789
and he was making fun of my act
earlier tonight.
322
00:14:33,822 --> 00:14:35,357
He was!
323
00:14:35,391 --> 00:14:37,292
He was saying Im not funny.
324
00:14:37,326 --> 00:14:39,328
Hes ten.
325
00:14:39,361 --> 00:14:41,463
Actually,
hes not even my nephew.
326
00:14:41,497 --> 00:14:43,499
I dont know if that
makes it better or worse.
327
00:14:43,532 --> 00:14:45,267
No, it actually makes it worse
328
00:14:45,300 --> 00:14:47,536
cause if he was my nephew,
at least the family
329
00:14:47,569 --> 00:14:49,171
would be coming out on top,
330
00:14:49,204 --> 00:14:52,741
but this way...
(applause)
331
00:14:52,775 --> 00:14:56,345
This way, just some random
ten-year-old is dunking on me.
332
00:14:56,378 --> 00:14:57,613
(laughter)
333
00:14:59,581 --> 00:15:03,152
Deven Singh, everyone.
334
00:15:03,185 --> 00:15:05,287
Give it up for Deven Singh.
335
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:07,723
(applause and cheering)
336
00:15:14,329 --> 00:15:16,598
MAN: Congrats, man.
That was awesome.
337
00:15:16,632 --> 00:15:19,701
Damn. You brought it.
338
00:15:19,735 --> 00:15:22,237
That was actually a good set.
339
00:15:22,271 --> 00:15:24,540
Thanks to Deven.
Have you seen him, by the way?
340
00:15:24,573 --> 00:15:26,442
I hope I didnt
embarrass him too much.
341
00:15:26,475 --> 00:15:28,444
Okay, who are we
talking about right now?
342
00:15:28,477 --> 00:15:31,880
My nephew, my girlfriends
nephew. Wants to be a comedian,
343
00:15:31,914 --> 00:15:33,749
but better than me.
344
00:15:33,782 --> 00:15:35,684
I dont know what the hell
youre talking about,
345
00:15:35,717 --> 00:15:37,519
but I think I just hit
346
00:15:37,553 --> 00:15:39,788
my Samir limit.
347
00:15:47,229 --> 00:15:49,865
Hey, did you guys see
a little boy come out here?
348
00:15:49,898 --> 00:15:51,600
Did you guys see
a little boy,
349
00:15:51,633 --> 00:15:53,502
like, a ten-year-old boy
come out here at all?
350
00:15:53,535 --> 00:15:54,603
WOMAN:
Havent seen him. Sorry.
351
00:15:54,636 --> 00:15:57,372
Hey, did you guys see
a little boy come out here?
352
00:15:57,406 --> 00:16:00,409
Like, a leather jacket, hes Indian?
Sorry, dude.
353
00:16:00,442 --> 00:16:02,444
Deven?
354
00:16:05,914 --> 00:16:07,649
Deven!
355
00:16:09,885 --> 00:16:12,454
Call Deven Singh.
(phone chimes)
356
00:16:12,488 --> 00:16:14,423
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Did you mean Anisha Singh?
357
00:16:14,456 --> 00:16:16,425
Call Deven Singh.
358
00:16:16,458 --> 00:16:17,893
(phone chimes)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Okay.
359
00:16:17,926 --> 00:16:21,230
No, no, no. Call Deven.
(phone chimes)
360
00:16:21,263 --> 00:16:23,632
AUTOMATED VOICE: I dont see
"Deven" in your contacts.
361
00:16:23,665 --> 00:16:26,368
Should I look for locations
by that name?
362
00:16:26,401 --> 00:16:28,170
(phone chimes)
363
00:16:42,017 --> 00:16:43,952
♪
364
00:16:58,333 --> 00:17:00,435
Hey, have you heard from...
365
00:17:00,469 --> 00:17:02,804
You see, the laws...
366
00:17:02,838 --> 00:17:04,940
Samir. Its lovely to see you.
367
00:17:04,973 --> 00:17:06,942
RENA: Hey, baby.
How was your show?
368
00:17:06,975 --> 00:17:08,977
I didnt know you were gonna
have company tonight.
369
00:17:10,779 --> 00:17:12,748
We were just talking
about comedy.
370
00:17:12,781 --> 00:17:14,750
I was making the case
that it is art,
371
00:17:14,783 --> 00:17:15,884
just as much as theater,
372
00:17:15,918 --> 00:17:19,354
or literature,
or paintings.
373
00:17:19,388 --> 00:17:20,689
Hold on one second, David.
374
00:17:20,722 --> 00:17:23,258
You know, I have a lot
of respect for what you do.
375
00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:25,294
Thank you.
376
00:17:25,327 --> 00:17:27,829
Um, can I talk to you
real quick? Its about Deven.
377
00:17:27,863 --> 00:17:30,332
Who? Deven.
Can we talk over here, please?
378
00:17:30,365 --> 00:17:31,800
Whos Deven again?
379
00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:34,269
Is that Frans boyfriend?
Deven. Your sisters son.
380
00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:38,407
I dont like that joke.
You know Anisha cant have kids.
381
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:40,342
But thats just it, see?
382
00:17:40,375 --> 00:17:43,478
Comedy has to go to these
dark places because
383
00:17:43,512 --> 00:17:45,747
its art.
That is bullshit.
384
00:17:45,781 --> 00:17:48,550
Hes in this picture right here.
What Im saying is,
385
00:17:48,584 --> 00:17:50,352
if he doesnt push
the boundaries,
386
00:17:50,385 --> 00:17:51,820
(fading):
hes as derelict...
387
00:17:51,853 --> 00:17:52,988
...if I were to let
an innocent man
388
00:17:53,021 --> 00:17:55,724
go to prison. It really
is no different.
389
00:17:55,757 --> 00:17:57,326
Dont you remember?
He was in this picture.
390
00:17:57,359 --> 00:17:59,695
He was wearing that leather
jacket and I made fun of him.
391
00:17:59,728 --> 00:18:02,831
I called him The Fonz,
and he was like,
392
00:18:02,864 --> 00:18:05,033
"Whos that? Youre so old."
393
00:18:10,906 --> 00:18:11,873
Baby...
394
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:20,382
Hes just gone.
395
00:18:20,415 --> 00:18:22,351
Anisha never
even had him.
396
00:18:22,384 --> 00:18:25,287
Oh, my God, now youre
worrying about my sister?
397
00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:28,724
Youre right.
398
00:18:28,757 --> 00:18:30,759
You-You-Youre right,
399
00:18:30,792 --> 00:18:33,362
I shouldnt be worrying
about her cause-- (stammers)
400
00:18:33,395 --> 00:18:36,398
there never was a Deven,
so its not like hes dead.
401
00:18:36,431 --> 00:18:37,733
He just never existed,
402
00:18:37,766 --> 00:18:39,401
so its not like I killed him.
403
00:18:39,434 --> 00:18:41,536
Okay, now youre scaring me.
404
00:18:41,570 --> 00:18:42,771
Are you all right,
Samir?
405
00:18:42,804 --> 00:18:43,872
What happened tonight?
406
00:18:43,905 --> 00:18:45,907
Are you feeling okay?
407
00:18:45,941 --> 00:18:47,476
SAMIR:
It was JC Wheeler.
408
00:18:47,509 --> 00:18:48,644
JC Wheeler told me...
409
00:18:48,677 --> 00:18:50,078
Whoa, whoa,
you met JC Wheeler?
410
00:18:50,112 --> 00:18:52,047
Yeah, he was at
the club last night.
411
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:53,115
That is so cool.
412
00:18:53,148 --> 00:18:55,784
JC Wheeler told me I need
to put myself out there,
413
00:18:55,817 --> 00:18:57,753
that I need to be
more personal on stage,
414
00:18:57,786 --> 00:18:59,354
and then people would
connect to it,
415
00:18:59,388 --> 00:19:01,523
and then people
would relate to me,
416
00:19:01,556 --> 00:19:05,360
and then... (gasps)
417
00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:07,629
it would be gone forever.
418
00:19:11,466 --> 00:19:13,602
Please dont put me
in the mental hospital.
419
00:19:13,635 --> 00:19:16,605
Why the mental hospital?
420
00:19:16,638 --> 00:19:18,974
You got one picked out?
421
00:19:20,075 --> 00:19:22,444
(laughs)
422
00:19:22,477 --> 00:19:24,780
There he is.
Theres my guy.
423
00:19:24,813 --> 00:19:25,981
Its okay, Samir.
424
00:19:26,014 --> 00:19:28,650
Look, I think what
youre describing
425
00:19:28,684 --> 00:19:29,918
might be a good thing.
426
00:19:29,951 --> 00:19:32,821
The feeling that if you
put something out there
427
00:19:32,854 --> 00:19:34,956
from your real life,
youll get laughs.
428
00:19:34,990 --> 00:19:36,992
That sounds like
therapy to me.
429
00:19:37,025 --> 00:19:38,126
You work through
these things
430
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:40,062
so that you could
free yourself from them.
431
00:19:40,095 --> 00:19:42,564
Its terrifying to put
yourself out there,
432
00:19:42,597 --> 00:19:44,166
but its true
what they say,
433
00:19:44,199 --> 00:19:47,102
"Sunlight really is
the best disinfectant."
434
00:19:47,135 --> 00:19:50,038
Okay, okay, David,
Im-Im sorry. Would you mind?
435
00:19:50,072 --> 00:19:52,107
Oh, say no more.
(chuckles)
436
00:19:52,140 --> 00:19:53,742
(clicks tongue)
437
00:19:57,979 --> 00:19:59,715
(sighs)
438
00:19:59,748 --> 00:20:04,019
You have been at this
for five years, five.
439
00:20:04,052 --> 00:20:05,787
And Ive been
very supportive,
440
00:20:05,821 --> 00:20:07,122
but if youve finally
found the thing
441
00:20:07,155 --> 00:20:09,057
that can help you
find your audience,
442
00:20:09,091 --> 00:20:11,560
how are you not gonna
throw yourself at that?
443
00:20:11,593 --> 00:20:15,464
Well, what about the part
where things get...
444
00:20:15,497 --> 00:20:16,998
erased?
445
00:20:17,032 --> 00:20:18,433
DAVID:
Shes right, you know.
446
00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:20,502
Art is the noblest
pursuit in the world, but...
447
00:20:20,535 --> 00:20:21,937
its not paying the rent.
448
00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:24,506
(whispering): Im sorry.
449
00:20:40,088 --> 00:20:42,557
COMIC: But what I really
like, wh at I really like
450
00:20:42,591 --> 00:20:45,961
is when people spell curse words
using asterisks.
451
00:20:45,994 --> 00:20:48,163
Youve seen this? You know what
Im talking about? Its like...
452
00:20:48,196 --> 00:20:51,466
I guess asterisks are kind of
like the chastity belt
453
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:54,669
of the vowel world,
in the vowel community.
454
00:20:54,703 --> 00:20:56,938
I was looking for you.
455
00:20:56,972 --> 00:20:59,207
Heard you were great
the last couple nights.
456
00:20:59,241 --> 00:21:02,043
Congrats, kid,
youre headlining.
457
00:21:02,077 --> 00:21:04,546
Oh. Thank you.
458
00:21:04,579 --> 00:21:06,815
(laughing) Hey.
459
00:21:06,848 --> 00:21:10,118
Dont fuck it up. Huh?
460
00:21:10,152 --> 00:21:11,920
Who am I kidding?
Come on, its you,
461
00:21:11,953 --> 00:21:14,723
of course youre
gonna fuck it up.
462
00:21:14,756 --> 00:21:16,925
Hey, Im just
messing with you.
463
00:21:16,958 --> 00:21:19,961
EMCEE:
...very funny guy, Samir Wassan!
464
00:21:19,995 --> 00:21:22,097
(cheering and applause)
465
00:21:24,599 --> 00:21:25,934
MAN:
All right!
466
00:21:25,967 --> 00:21:28,103
(people whooping)
467
00:21:30,038 --> 00:21:32,174
SAMIR:
Thank you.
468
00:21:32,207 --> 00:21:34,976
So a lot of people use
the Second Amendment
469
00:21:35,010 --> 00:21:38,680
as an excuse to say that guns
shouldnt be regulated,
470
00:21:38,713 --> 00:21:39,981
except that the Second Amendment
471
00:21:40,015 --> 00:21:42,818
actually starts
with the words, "A well
472
00:21:42,851 --> 00:21:45,053
regulated."
473
00:21:49,991 --> 00:21:52,027
I have a ten-year-old nephew,
474
00:21:52,060 --> 00:21:54,729
and the other day
he was making fun of my act.
475
00:21:54,763 --> 00:21:56,164
Hes ten years old.
476
00:21:56,198 --> 00:21:59,568
Hes ten.
477
00:21:59,601 --> 00:22:01,002
Right.
478
00:22:01,036 --> 00:22:03,772
(quietly):
I dont have a nephew anymore.
479
00:22:03,805 --> 00:22:04,906
(woman clears throat)
480
00:22:04,940 --> 00:22:07,843
How about this president, huh?
481
00:22:07,876 --> 00:22:11,012
I dont want to say
hes a fascist dickhead
482
00:22:11,046 --> 00:22:14,716
who should be hung by his nuts
in the public square,
483
00:22:14,749 --> 00:22:17,919
but only because I dont want
to talk to the Secret Service.
484
00:22:23,692 --> 00:22:25,293
WOMAN:
Oh, man.
485
00:22:35,337 --> 00:22:38,139
Hey, uh, give it up for the guy
who was on stage
486
00:22:38,173 --> 00:22:40,642
right before me.
(light laughter)
487
00:22:40,675 --> 00:22:42,978
MAN: Yeah!
Hes funny, right?
488
00:22:43,011 --> 00:22:46,114
He really crushed.
489
00:22:46,147 --> 00:22:49,084
Didnt he?
(cheering)
490
00:22:49,117 --> 00:22:52,087
Not as badly as he crushed
a mom and her baby
491
00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:53,989
at the bus stop
across the street.
492
00:22:54,022 --> 00:22:55,891
(audience oohing)
493
00:22:55,924 --> 00:22:57,759
Im not joking!
He did that.
494
00:22:57,792 --> 00:22:59,160
(laughter)
495
00:22:59,194 --> 00:23:02,297
That mangled bus stop
across the street...
496
00:23:02,330 --> 00:23:03,365
(applause)
497
00:23:03,398 --> 00:23:05,333
...thats his best work!
Thats his biggest credit!
498
00:23:05,367 --> 00:23:07,035
(laughter)
499
00:23:07,068 --> 00:23:09,037
It was in the news.
500
00:23:09,070 --> 00:23:11,039
He got away with it, though.
501
00:23:11,072 --> 00:23:13,642
And you saw his act,
you-you wouldnt think a guy
502
00:23:13,675 --> 00:23:15,911
with a hateful,
misogynistic act like that
503
00:23:15,944 --> 00:23:17,679
would also be
a drunk driver.
504
00:23:17,712 --> 00:23:19,281
No, actually, that stands.
505
00:23:19,314 --> 00:23:20,582
That makes sense.
506
00:23:22,083 --> 00:23:23,351
Give it up for
507
00:23:23,385 --> 00:23:24,920
human piece of shit,
508
00:23:24,953 --> 00:23:26,388
Joe Donner.
509
00:23:26,421 --> 00:23:28,890
(cheers and applause)
(Joe laughing)
510
00:23:41,937 --> 00:23:44,773
Cause he didnt smash into it,
511
00:23:44,806 --> 00:23:47,342
because he doesnt exist.
512
00:23:47,375 --> 00:23:50,412
Hey, hey, youre the...
Hey, you totally killed tonight.
513
00:23:50,445 --> 00:23:53,882
Oh, thank you. You know,
I actually un-killed two people.
514
00:23:53,915 --> 00:23:55,684
(laughs)
This is you, right?
515
00:23:55,717 --> 00:23:57,152
Yup.
I am following you
516
00:23:57,185 --> 00:23:58,653
right now. (laughs)
517
00:23:58,687 --> 00:23:59,554
Oh, thank you so much.
518
00:23:59,587 --> 00:24:01,957
Dont drink and drive, okay?
All right.
519
00:24:01,990 --> 00:24:04,893
Just like Joe Donner
didnt anymore.
520
00:24:04,926 --> 00:24:06,728
Okay.
Youre so funny.
521
00:24:06,761 --> 00:24:08,964
He is.
I also saved two lives.
522
00:24:08,997 --> 00:24:11,399
One was a baby!
523
00:24:21,443 --> 00:24:24,746
(scribbling)
524
00:24:44,432 --> 00:24:46,935
(audience laughing)
SAMIR: I knew this kid
525
00:24:46,968 --> 00:24:49,871
in high school, he was a prick!
526
00:24:49,904 --> 00:24:51,873
Just a bad guy.
527
00:24:51,906 --> 00:24:54,242
He was mean,
he was a bully.
528
00:24:56,211 --> 00:24:58,747
But you know what?
It s not fair to judge someone
529
00:24:58,780 --> 00:25:00,782
by how they were in high
school, right?
530
00:25:00,815 --> 00:25:02,450
People change.
531
00:25:02,484 --> 00:25:04,953
They grow, they learn.
532
00:25:06,121 --> 00:25:07,322
So I looked him up online.
533
00:25:07,355 --> 00:25:10,091
Now he works for
Doctors Without Borders.
534
00:25:10,125 --> 00:25:14,329
Oh, you horrible pieces of shit.
535
00:25:14,362 --> 00:25:18,466
Im joking. Jamie Benson
murdered his fiancée.
536
00:25:18,500 --> 00:25:20,502
(laughter)
537
00:25:20,535 --> 00:25:23,405
He did!
538
00:25:23,438 --> 00:25:25,140
Yes!
539
00:25:25,173 --> 00:25:26,941
I love being right!
540
00:25:26,975 --> 00:25:28,343
(audience cheering)
Great!
541
00:25:28,376 --> 00:25:32,514
Not so great for his fiancée--
re st in peace. Shes gone now.
542
00:25:32,547 --> 00:25:37,018
More like Murderers Wi th
Borders, am I right?
543
00:25:37,052 --> 00:25:39,888
Sometimes the covers
do tell you a fair amount
544
00:25:39,921 --> 00:25:43,324
about the book, dont they?
545
00:25:43,358 --> 00:25:46,327
(cheering)
546
00:25:50,098 --> 00:25:51,800
Cheap and brown,
547
00:25:51,833 --> 00:25:53,735
no ice.
You know it, Al.
548
00:26:00,175 --> 00:26:02,844
O-Or what about
Coach Keller?
549
00:26:02,877 --> 00:26:05,380
Oh, yeah. That was crazy.
550
00:26:05,413 --> 00:26:08,450
I guess we just didnt know
how crazy it was at the time.
551
00:26:08,483 --> 00:26:10,251
Uh, I knew.
552
00:26:10,285 --> 00:26:13,388
Man, there really are a lot
of loathsome psychopaths
553
00:26:13,421 --> 00:26:14,355
in the world, huh?
554
00:26:14,389 --> 00:26:16,925
Thank God youre not
a loathsome psychopath.
555
00:26:16,958 --> 00:26:19,427
Thats the most romantic thing
556
00:26:19,461 --> 00:26:21,963
youve ever said to me.
557
00:26:21,996 --> 00:26:24,532
Uh-oh!
Oh!
558
00:26:24,566 --> 00:26:27,302
Ah!
Why are you screaming?
559
00:26:27,335 --> 00:26:29,104
I thought it might
get on my coat.
560
00:26:29,137 --> 00:26:30,205
What about my face?
561
00:26:30,238 --> 00:26:31,806
This is my favorite coat,
562
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:34,843
and it is so much more expensive
than your face, baby.
563
00:26:34,876 --> 00:26:36,444
Im sorry.
564
00:26:36,478 --> 00:26:38,880
What are you doing?
Pizza face!
565
00:26:38,913 --> 00:26:41,416
(screaming, laughing)
566
00:26:41,449 --> 00:26:43,852
♪
567
00:26:43,885 --> 00:26:45,987
(phone chimes)
568
00:27:09,244 --> 00:27:12,147
SAMIR: So you know how, in
school, ru mors would get started,
569
00:27:12,180 --> 00:27:13,314
and it didnt even matter
570
00:27:13,348 --> 00:27:17,118
if they were true or not,
it would just become legend?
571
00:27:17,152 --> 00:27:18,920
You know what Im talking about?
572
00:27:18,953 --> 00:27:20,955
Well, unless the
Times
573
00:27:20,989 --> 00:27:25,026
and a jury of his peers
we re being huge gossips,
574
00:27:25,059 --> 00:27:28,029
(laughter)
that rumor about
575
00:27:28,062 --> 00:27:31,533
Coach Keller
576
00:27:31,566 --> 00:27:34,202
being a pervert
who preyed on kids?
577
00:27:34,235 --> 00:27:35,837
That rumor was true.
578
00:27:36,905 --> 00:27:39,374
That one did happen.
579
00:27:44,179 --> 00:27:46,281
You know, Ive been
feeling like my comedy
580
00:27:46,314 --> 00:27:48,149
could really make
a difference, like,
581
00:27:48,183 --> 00:27:50,084
the more I open up
on stage,
582
00:27:50,118 --> 00:27:53,354
the, the more
I change the world.
583
00:27:53,388 --> 00:27:56,224
(laughs): Is that completely
narcissistic and delusional?
584
00:27:56,257 --> 00:27:58,259
Uh, yes, but I dont mind it.
585
00:27:58,293 --> 00:28:00,562
I like this new you.
586
00:28:00,595 --> 00:28:03,164
So do I.
587
00:28:11,239 --> 00:28:14,375
Hey, um, do you remember
that guy we ran into
588
00:28:14,409 --> 00:28:17,378
who you defended, and then later
you found out he totally
589
00:28:17,412 --> 00:28:19,047
did do all
those horrible things?
590
00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:20,315
I cant believe I said that.
591
00:28:20,348 --> 00:28:22,350
No, no, no,
its good that you told me.
592
00:28:22,383 --> 00:28:24,252
What did you say
the guys name was again?
593
00:28:24,285 --> 00:28:26,020
I cant tell you that.
594
00:28:26,054 --> 00:28:27,155
Yes, you can.
595
00:28:27,188 --> 00:28:28,656
David says a good
defense attorney
596
00:28:28,690 --> 00:28:30,992
never lets her opinions seep into...
Oh, great, David.
597
00:28:31,025 --> 00:28:32,961
Really?
598
00:28:32,994 --> 00:28:35,997
Im so sorry I mentioned
my friends name in passing.
599
00:28:36,030 --> 00:28:37,665
No, no, no, keep going.
Theres gonna be a great story.
600
00:28:37,699 --> 00:28:40,268
Ive been starved for some
of that David Kandel wisdom.
601
00:28:40,301 --> 00:28:42,070
And Ive been starved
for some of that
602
00:28:42,103 --> 00:28:44,105
Samir Wassan
jealous prick routine.
603
00:28:44,138 --> 00:28:47,075
Jealous prick? Okay.
Routine? Wow.
604
00:28:47,108 --> 00:28:48,610
Why, what would you call it?
605
00:28:48,643 --> 00:28:50,945
What would I call
a law professor
606
00:28:50,979 --> 00:28:53,681
whos always having romantic
dinners with his former student,
607
00:28:53,715 --> 00:28:56,017
my girlfriend?
They are not romantic.
608
00:28:56,050 --> 00:28:58,686
David is my friend,
and my mentor...
609
00:28:58,720 --> 00:29:01,589
Oh, mentor. Okay.
Yeah, why was I worried?
610
00:29:01,623 --> 00:29:03,591
Theres no way
a mentor would try
611
00:29:03,625 --> 00:29:05,627
and fuck an
attractive student.
612
00:29:05,660 --> 00:29:07,462
Screw you, Samir.
613
00:29:07,495 --> 00:29:10,298
"Screw you." Thats really good.
Are you taking argument classes?
614
00:29:10,331 --> 00:29:12,233
Cause thats still
some beginner shit.
615
00:29:12,267 --> 00:29:14,202
Maybe move up to
"Go fuck yourself."
616
00:29:14,235 --> 00:29:16,337
Rena?
617
00:29:33,721 --> 00:29:36,758
SAMIR:
So I met a murderer today.
618
00:29:36,791 --> 00:29:38,226
I did.
619
00:29:38,259 --> 00:29:40,461
I actually met a murderer.
620
00:29:40,495 --> 00:29:43,631
I was talking to this
tattooed guy on the bus,
621
00:29:43,665 --> 00:29:49,170
and he just straight-up told me
that he murdered someone.
622
00:29:49,203 --> 00:29:50,471
You know,
I guess it makes sense,
623
00:29:50,505 --> 00:29:52,040
cause if I was a murderer,
624
00:29:52,073 --> 00:29:53,675
I would want to tell people,
too, you know?
625
00:29:53,708 --> 00:29:56,678
Pride in what you do
is important.
626
00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:00,214
Although, it seems like
627
00:30:00,248 --> 00:30:01,616
resisting the urge
to tell people
628
00:30:01,649 --> 00:30:06,154
might be an important life skill
for a murderer.
629
00:30:06,187 --> 00:30:07,655
(man coughs)
630
00:30:10,091 --> 00:30:12,260
Buck. His name was Buck.
631
00:30:13,494 --> 00:30:14,629
Buck.
632
00:30:14,662 --> 00:30:16,764
From Pennsylvania?
633
00:30:16,798 --> 00:30:19,767
Unless he gave me a fake name.
634
00:30:19,801 --> 00:30:21,336
I, uh...
635
00:30:21,369 --> 00:30:23,004
(phone chimes)
636
00:30:33,281 --> 00:30:36,718
Ive got something
you guys might like.
637
00:30:36,751 --> 00:30:40,355
Do you guys have
a girlfriend whos got, like,
638
00:30:40,388 --> 00:30:42,490
a creepy older "mentor"?
639
00:30:42,523 --> 00:30:46,427
(laughter and applause)
640
00:30:53,735 --> 00:30:56,804
You know, whos,
like, just her friend,
641
00:30:56,838 --> 00:30:59,674
and not trying
to sleep with her at all.
642
00:30:59,707 --> 00:31:04,412
Just some older, white,
pretentious motherfucker.
643
00:31:04,445 --> 00:31:08,282
With his fucking little beard,
and he knows everything.
644
00:31:08,316 --> 00:31:11,119
This guy knows everything.
645
00:31:11,152 --> 00:31:13,287
And then you get in trouble.
646
00:31:15,223 --> 00:31:17,358
You get called
a jealous boyfriend
647
00:31:17,392 --> 00:31:20,294
for trying to save her
from getting MeTood
648
00:31:20,328 --> 00:31:22,497
by fucking David Kandel?
649
00:31:25,199 --> 00:31:27,769
(cheering and applause)
650
00:31:31,339 --> 00:31:32,373
Wow.
651
00:31:32,407 --> 00:31:35,777
"Top Comedians
to Follow," huh?
652
00:31:35,810 --> 00:31:37,545
Oh, yeah.
653
00:31:37,578 --> 00:31:39,280
I forgot about that.
654
00:31:39,313 --> 00:31:42,250
Must be so exciting for you
to know someone on that list.
655
00:31:42,283 --> 00:31:43,384
Youve been
strutting around here
656
00:31:43,418 --> 00:31:44,886
like the cock of the walk
lately.
657
00:31:44,919 --> 00:31:46,354
(chuckles)
Great metaphor.
658
00:31:46,387 --> 00:31:47,855
Hey, Im a little busy
right now.
659
00:31:47,889 --> 00:31:50,291
Could you text my assistant,
cause I want to talk.
660
00:31:50,324 --> 00:31:52,560
Dont make me
hurt you, Samir.
661
00:31:52,593 --> 00:31:54,896
(quietly):
Hey, baby.
662
00:31:54,929 --> 00:31:56,497
Hey.
663
00:31:56,531 --> 00:31:58,833
Hilarious as always, Samir.
664
00:32:02,303 --> 00:32:03,404
Hey, what would your,
uh, mentor David
665
00:32:03,438 --> 00:32:04,605
have thought of that set?
666
00:32:04,639 --> 00:32:06,841
What are you talking about?
667
00:32:06,874 --> 00:32:08,876
Wait, where are you going?
668
00:32:08,910 --> 00:32:11,813
I have to get to my shift.
669
00:32:11,846 --> 00:32:14,549
W-What shift?
670
00:32:15,483 --> 00:32:17,351
Rena, whats wrong?
671
00:32:17,385 --> 00:32:19,654
Im late.
You gonna get me fired?
672
00:32:19,687 --> 00:32:20,855
Okay.
673
00:32:20,888 --> 00:32:22,824
Why would they have
you come in now?
674
00:32:22,857 --> 00:32:24,525
And theyre not gonna fire
their best lawyer
675
00:32:24,559 --> 00:32:25,660
for being slightly late.
676
00:32:25,693 --> 00:32:28,629
Lawyer? Are you kidding me?
677
00:32:28,663 --> 00:32:31,232
Wait, wait, wait, youre,
youre not a lawyer?
678
00:32:31,265 --> 00:32:32,834
Screw you.
679
00:32:35,970 --> 00:32:37,772
David Kandel.
680
00:32:37,805 --> 00:32:41,142
She doesnt have a career
without fucking David Kandel.
681
00:32:52,386 --> 00:32:53,888
Rena, I screwed something up.
682
00:32:53,921 --> 00:32:56,824
You have screwed many things up,
Samir, but I am late right now.
683
00:32:56,858 --> 00:32:57,625
Im sorry.
684
00:32:57,658 --> 00:32:59,727
No, no, listen.
I changed something.
685
00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:02,730
Okay? You were supposed to...
Supposed to what?
686
00:33:02,763 --> 00:33:05,700
Keep waiting patiently for you
to get your career together?
687
00:33:05,733 --> 00:33:06,667
No.
688
00:33:06,701 --> 00:33:08,236
Wait,
wheres your red coat?
689
00:33:08,269 --> 00:33:09,437
The one we got
in Paris?
690
00:33:09,470 --> 00:33:10,638
What are you talking about?
Paris.
691
00:33:10,671 --> 00:33:12,807
When we went to Paris. The...
692
00:33:14,709 --> 00:33:17,678
We never went to Paris
cause we couldnt afford it.
693
00:33:17,712 --> 00:33:19,680
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
694
00:33:19,714 --> 00:33:21,449
Hey, hey, hey.
I swear to God,
695
00:33:21,482 --> 00:33:23,284
if you touch me one more time...
696
00:33:23,317 --> 00:33:24,886
You okay, honey?
Im fine.
697
00:33:24,919 --> 00:33:26,554
Shes fine.
Its okay, its okay.
698
00:33:26,587 --> 00:33:28,222
Okay, hey, hey,
that was the trip
699
00:33:28,256 --> 00:33:29,223
that saved our relationship.
700
00:33:29,257 --> 00:33:31,259
But we didnt go on it...
Saved our...?
701
00:33:31,292 --> 00:33:32,593
Listen, we couldnt go because
you couldnt afford it,
702
00:33:32,627 --> 00:33:33,895
but now I can afford it, so...
703
00:33:33,928 --> 00:33:35,530
Youre a dick, Samir.
704
00:33:35,563 --> 00:33:36,564
Okay, you dont understand...
705
00:33:36,597 --> 00:33:37,732
No, you dont understand.
706
00:33:37,765 --> 00:33:39,267
You dont think about
how your actions
707
00:33:39,300 --> 00:33:40,668
affect me
or anybody else.
708
00:33:40,701 --> 00:33:42,537
Were all just
background to you.
709
00:33:42,570 --> 00:33:45,406
Material.
COOK: Table 12.
710
00:33:49,810 --> 00:33:51,379
Hey.
711
00:33:51,412 --> 00:33:52,613
Im sorry. Im sorr-- hey.
712
00:33:52,647 --> 00:33:54,015
Remember when you gave me
that advice,
713
00:33:54,048 --> 00:33:55,850
when you told me that I
could be strong on stage?
714
00:33:55,883 --> 00:33:57,785
That I could play
to my strengths?
715
00:33:57,818 --> 00:34:00,454
You said that I need
to let go of stuff?
716
00:34:00,488 --> 00:34:02,557
So I did that. I did
that for us. I did that,
717
00:34:02,590 --> 00:34:03,858
I did that for you.
718
00:34:03,891 --> 00:34:05,993
You said it was
okay to punch.
719
00:34:06,027 --> 00:34:07,995
When am I gonna
be the joke?
720
00:34:08,029 --> 00:34:10,865
This argument, whens that
gonna show up in your act?
721
00:34:10,898 --> 00:34:12,333
Were done, Samir.
722
00:34:12,366 --> 00:34:14,335
No, no, no. No, no, no.
723
00:34:14,368 --> 00:34:16,370
Listen to me.
Listen to me.
724
00:34:16,404 --> 00:34:18,739
I have this power, okay?
725
00:34:18,773 --> 00:34:20,641
I have this superpower.
(stifled laugh)
726
00:34:20,675 --> 00:34:22,877
I do. The reason youre doing
this right now...
727
00:34:22,910 --> 00:34:24,745
The reason Im doing this
right now, Samir,
728
00:34:24,779 --> 00:34:27,982
is that you are
a selfish asshole.
729
00:34:39,560 --> 00:34:41,662
♪
730
00:34:55,409 --> 00:34:57,545
♪
731
00:35:26,107 --> 00:35:28,042
(yells)
732
00:35:50,965 --> 00:35:54,635
(cheering and applause)
Thank you.
733
00:35:54,669 --> 00:35:57,805
What do you think its like
to have a penis?
734
00:35:57,838 --> 00:35:59,407
Obviously...
735
00:36:02,510 --> 00:36:05,046
That cute little Indian girl
dumped you, huh?
736
00:36:05,079 --> 00:36:07,948
Shit, man, that sucks.
Im sorry.
737
00:36:07,982 --> 00:36:10,918
For you, Im sorry for you.
Cause that was just
738
00:36:10,951 --> 00:36:14,055
clearly the right decision
for her, you know?
739
00:36:14,088 --> 00:36:17,391
Shes all I know, I...
740
00:36:17,425 --> 00:36:19,560
I dont know what I am
without her.
741
00:36:19,593 --> 00:36:20,961
(applause in distance)
742
00:36:20,995 --> 00:36:22,930
My...
743
00:36:22,963 --> 00:36:25,066
careers finally taking off.
744
00:36:25,099 --> 00:36:27,068
Cant win at everything, right?
745
00:36:27,101 --> 00:36:29,637
People think Im funny.
746
00:36:29,670 --> 00:36:31,639
You know how hard
its been for me,
747
00:36:31,672 --> 00:36:33,741
people not thinking I was funny?
748
00:36:33,774 --> 00:36:36,410
Yeah. Yeah. Yes.
749
00:36:36,444 --> 00:36:37,678
I hear you.
750
00:36:37,712 --> 00:36:40,648
Maybe this is how it goes.
751
00:36:40,681 --> 00:36:44,752
You get something,
you got to give something up.
752
00:36:51,759 --> 00:36:53,527
Samir,
753
00:36:53,561 --> 00:36:57,498
if you go on a murder rampage,
754
00:36:57,531 --> 00:36:59,633
can you try not to do it
while Im here, please?
755
00:36:59,667 --> 00:37:03,037
And just to be clear,
I say that not because
756
00:37:03,070 --> 00:37:05,906
youre brown,
I say it because
757
00:37:05,940 --> 00:37:08,442
"youre a man," sort of.
758
00:37:08,476 --> 00:37:09,643
PETE:
Theres my two little stars.
759
00:37:09,677 --> 00:37:12,046
Theres our weird, creepy uncle.
760
00:37:12,079 --> 00:37:13,114
(laughs)
761
00:37:13,147 --> 00:37:14,715
(chuckles)
Weird, creepy laugh.
762
00:37:14,749 --> 00:37:15,483
So,
763
00:37:15,516 --> 00:37:18,119
Candy Gower from The Gower Hour
764
00:37:18,152 --> 00:37:19,587
is coming
to the late set tonight.
765
00:37:19,620 --> 00:37:21,856
Okay.
And she is here for you two.
766
00:37:21,889 --> 00:37:23,491
Two?
767
00:37:23,524 --> 00:37:24,859
PETE: You didnt
hear this from me,
768
00:37:24,892 --> 00:37:26,727
but The Gower Hour
needs a new cast member,
769
00:37:26,761 --> 00:37:29,463
and its pretty much narrowed
down to two up-and-coming comics
770
00:37:29,497 --> 00:37:31,866
you may have heard of
named you and you.
771
00:37:31,899 --> 00:37:33,601
Doesnt know our names.
772
00:37:33,634 --> 00:37:36,036
EMCEE: Please
welcome Samir Wassan.
773
00:37:36,070 --> 00:37:37,104
Hes Samir Wassan.
774
00:37:37,138 --> 00:37:39,974
Ah. He just said it. So...
775
00:37:41,675 --> 00:37:43,511
(cheering and applause)
776
00:37:54,021 --> 00:37:56,590
SAMIR:
The Second Amendment says...
777
00:37:56,624 --> 00:38:01,562
uh, "A well regulated..."
778
00:38:07,201 --> 00:38:10,938
My football coach was a rapist.
779
00:38:13,774 --> 00:38:16,877
WOMAN:
What did he just say?
780
00:38:16,911 --> 00:38:18,612
Right.
781
00:38:18,646 --> 00:38:20,781
You need fresh blood.
782
00:38:20,815 --> 00:38:22,716
GABE:
What we need is jokes.
783
00:38:22,750 --> 00:38:25,519
Who said that?
Who fucking said that?
784
00:38:25,553 --> 00:38:28,656
It was me.
785
00:38:28,689 --> 00:38:30,591
So you think youre funny?
786
00:38:31,325 --> 00:38:34,795
No, we just think youre not.
787
00:38:34,829 --> 00:38:37,097
(laughter)
788
00:38:37,131 --> 00:38:39,667
MAN:
Ooh...
789
00:38:39,700 --> 00:38:42,136
(cheering and applause)
790
00:38:42,169 --> 00:38:45,940
Okay. Okay.
791
00:38:45,973 --> 00:38:49,009
Whats your name?
792
00:38:49,043 --> 00:38:51,579
Whats everybodys name?
793
00:38:55,282 --> 00:38:56,884
Gabe.
794
00:38:56,917 --> 00:38:58,786
Will.
795
00:38:58,819 --> 00:39:02,223
Uh-huh. And where
do you guys work?
796
00:39:02,256 --> 00:39:04,825
Uh, we work
at Wellspring Capital.
797
00:39:04,859 --> 00:39:06,927
So youre, what, like,
hedge fund guys?
798
00:39:06,961 --> 00:39:08,829
WILL:
Yeah, actually,
799
00:39:08,863 --> 00:39:11,265
we invest in hedge funds.
800
00:39:11,298 --> 00:39:12,933
Wow.
(laughs)
801
00:39:12,967 --> 00:39:15,769
GABE:
Yeah. Wow is right, bro.
802
00:39:15,803 --> 00:39:17,771
Were talking about--
803
00:39:17,805 --> 00:39:22,009
count em--
mm... nine figures.
804
00:39:22,042 --> 00:39:23,744
Nine figures!
805
00:39:23,777 --> 00:39:26,280
I-I got to give it to you,
that actually is impressive.
806
00:39:26,313 --> 00:39:30,251
You know, I love guys like this.
807
00:39:30,284 --> 00:39:32,119
(laughter)
808
00:39:32,152 --> 00:39:34,555
(cheering and applause)
809
00:39:39,026 --> 00:39:41,795
They get off work
after a long day
810
00:39:41,829 --> 00:39:45,833
of investing in hedge funds--
did I get that right?
811
00:39:45,866 --> 00:39:48,869
Want to make sure I get
the details right here.
812
00:39:48,903 --> 00:39:52,006
These guys are like, "Oh,
were gonna go to a comedy club,
813
00:39:52,039 --> 00:39:53,974
"were gonna heckle
the comedian.
814
00:39:55,109 --> 00:39:58,779
And tell everyone
how much money we make."
815
00:40:00,915 --> 00:40:04,618
Gabe and Will,
ladies and gentlemen.
816
00:40:04,652 --> 00:40:07,187
Gabe and Will.
817
00:40:08,789 --> 00:40:11,025
(cheering and applause)
818
00:40:14,428 --> 00:40:15,930
(whooping)
819
00:40:30,744 --> 00:40:32,279
(exhales)
820
00:40:32,313 --> 00:40:33,414
Its you and me, huh?
821
00:40:33,447 --> 00:40:34,415
Not now.
822
00:40:34,448 --> 00:40:35,983
Oh, yeah. Now.
823
00:40:38,152 --> 00:40:40,187
Its one spot.
824
00:40:40,220 --> 00:40:42,856
One spot.
(chuckles)
825
00:40:42,890 --> 00:40:46,193
On
The Gower Hour.
826
00:40:46,226 --> 00:40:47,995
(scatting)
827
00:40:48,028 --> 00:40:50,164
(laughs)
828
00:40:50,197 --> 00:40:53,934
That shit should have
gone straight to me.
829
00:40:53,968 --> 00:40:58,005
I have been the MVP up
in here for a minute.
830
00:40:58,038 --> 00:40:59,340
But somehow,
831
00:40:59,373 --> 00:41:00,808
suddenly,
832
00:41:00,841 --> 00:41:02,743
you get funny.
833
00:41:02,776 --> 00:41:04,812
How does that
happen, huh?
834
00:41:04,845 --> 00:41:06,947
How the hell you
pull that off?
835
00:41:06,981 --> 00:41:08,782
Didi, we really dont
have to do this
836
00:41:08,816 --> 00:41:09,950
right now.
What?
837
00:41:09,984 --> 00:41:12,086
Im not gonna go on stage tonight.
What?
838
00:41:12,119 --> 00:41:13,687
What are you talking about?
I dont want it.
839
00:41:13,721 --> 00:41:15,956
You can have it. I dont want it.
No. No, that is some--
840
00:41:15,990 --> 00:41:17,891
I-Im not...
No, fuck you. No.
841
00:41:17,925 --> 00:41:21,929
No, I am not about to
let you do that shit.
842
00:41:21,962 --> 00:41:23,697
Why not?
843
00:41:23,731 --> 00:41:24,898
Cause youre good.
844
00:41:24,932 --> 00:41:26,700
Youve been
fucking killing it.
845
00:41:26,734 --> 00:41:29,303
And Im honestly
kind of embarrassed
846
00:41:29,336 --> 00:41:32,272
that I didnt see how funny
you were from the start.
847
00:41:32,306 --> 00:41:34,174
But you cant stop now.
848
00:41:34,208 --> 00:41:36,377
So, I came in here
to tell you that if,
849
00:41:36,410 --> 00:41:38,712
that if Candy
Gower chooses you,
850
00:41:38,746 --> 00:41:39,980
well, then I
would be happy.
851
00:41:40,014 --> 00:41:41,849
Cause it would
be a good choice.
852
00:41:41,882 --> 00:41:45,285
WOMAN (over P.A.): Didi to the stage.
Didi to the stage. Oh.
853
00:41:45,319 --> 00:41:48,355
So no more
of this bullshit about
854
00:41:48,389 --> 00:41:50,858
"Oh, Im not
gonna go up,"
855
00:41:50,891 --> 00:41:53,127
and "Oh, my goodness,
I have a vagina
856
00:41:53,160 --> 00:41:55,362
"and its hurting
and Im on my period
857
00:41:55,396 --> 00:41:56,964
and I cant find tampons"
858
00:41:56,997 --> 00:41:59,266
or whatever the fuck
youre talking about.
859
00:41:59,299 --> 00:42:00,868
Okay?
860
00:42:00,901 --> 00:42:02,336
Ill see you...
861
00:42:02,369 --> 00:42:03,871
on stage.
862
00:42:03,904 --> 00:42:06,740
(sniffs) And may
the baddest bitch win.
863
00:42:06,774 --> 00:42:09,810
Which is me,
by the way.
864
00:42:09,843 --> 00:42:11,879
WOMAN (over P.A.):
Didi, youre on deck.
865
00:42:11,912 --> 00:42:14,782
Didi? Youre on deck.
866
00:42:17,918 --> 00:42:19,787
I swear to God...
867
00:42:19,820 --> 00:42:23,757
if I were straight, I would...
868
00:42:25,192 --> 00:42:27,294
...probably be with
a Idris Elba-type dude.
869
00:42:27,327 --> 00:42:30,431
But I would throw you
some pussy every now and again
870
00:42:30,464 --> 00:42:33,333
out of respect for your comedy.
871
00:42:33,367 --> 00:42:35,302
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
872
00:42:35,335 --> 00:42:37,504
Kill it tonight, boo.
873
00:42:37,538 --> 00:42:39,840
Whoo!
874
00:42:41,075 --> 00:42:43,043
(laughs)
875
00:42:43,077 --> 00:42:44,545
(knocking)
876
00:42:44,578 --> 00:42:46,780
Lets get it!
877
00:42:57,024 --> 00:42:58,926
DEVEN: Th e clubs called Eddies
878
00:42:58,959 --> 00:43:00,327
and youd think that
it would be Eddies
879
00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:02,963
but then that sign sa
ys that its Eddies.
880
00:43:02,996 --> 00:43:04,998
But then th is
signs saying that,
881
00:43:05,032 --> 00:43:06,934
no, it is actually Eddies,
882
00:43:06,967 --> 00:43:09,269
its just that we dont
allow apostrophes,
883
00:43:09,303 --> 00:43:11,305
so now its Eddies.
884
00:43:18,479 --> 00:43:21,415
(grunts)
885
00:43:21,448 --> 00:43:23,317
Oh.
886
00:43:25,252 --> 00:43:26,553
(panting)
887
00:43:26,587 --> 00:43:28,355
There you are.
888
00:43:28,388 --> 00:43:30,324
Didis up next, then you.
You ready?
889
00:43:30,357 --> 00:43:33,260
What the hell
are you doing on the floor?
890
00:43:33,293 --> 00:43:34,895
Is Candy Gower here?
891
00:43:34,928 --> 00:43:36,964
You bet your dick
she is.
892
00:43:36,997 --> 00:43:40,000
This is it, kid.
This is it.
893
00:43:42,136 --> 00:43:44,238
JC:
This is it, kid.
894
00:43:44,271 --> 00:43:46,473
This is it.
895
00:43:46,507 --> 00:43:48,609
What did you do to me?
896
00:43:48,642 --> 00:43:50,210
Do to you?
897
00:43:50,244 --> 00:43:52,379
I just told you
how to get what you wanted.
898
00:43:52,412 --> 00:43:54,615
I wanted to make people laugh,
I did not want
899
00:43:54,648 --> 00:43:56,150
to make them disappear.
900
00:43:56,183 --> 00:43:58,352
I wanted to be
the next Chris Rock.
901
00:43:58,385 --> 00:43:59,853
Not evil...
902
00:43:59,887 --> 00:44:01,455
David Copperfield.
903
00:44:01,488 --> 00:44:04,258
I warned you what would happen
if you put stuff out there.
904
00:44:04,291 --> 00:44:07,394
You did not tell me I was
gonna be murdering people.
905
00:44:10,063 --> 00:44:11,331
Murdering people?
906
00:44:11,365 --> 00:44:13,267
Now who the hell
is murdering people?
907
00:44:13,300 --> 00:44:16,436
You cant murder people
who never existed.
908
00:44:16,470 --> 00:44:17,905
Thats semantics.
909
00:44:17,938 --> 00:44:20,874
There are no crying moms.
910
00:44:20,908 --> 00:44:23,043
Its not murder if there
are no crying moms.
911
00:44:23,076 --> 00:44:25,379
See, thats the
criteria for murder.
912
00:44:25,412 --> 00:44:28,282
Willful, premeditated,
913
00:44:28,315 --> 00:44:30,284
crying moms.
914
00:44:31,185 --> 00:44:33,187
But...
But what?
915
00:44:33,220 --> 00:44:34,955
These people
were never born.
916
00:44:36,390 --> 00:44:38,025
Now, you might think
you remember them
917
00:44:38,058 --> 00:44:40,260
but youre incorrect.
Theyre gone.
918
00:44:40,294 --> 00:44:41,428
Theyre gone.
919
00:44:41,461 --> 00:44:42,930
They are gone.
920
00:44:45,465 --> 00:44:47,034
But where do they go?
921
00:44:47,067 --> 00:44:48,569
WOMAN (over P.A.):
Samir Wassan,
922
00:44:48,602 --> 00:44:49,937
youre up next in five.
923
00:44:49,970 --> 00:44:51,905
You still have a chance.
924
00:44:51,939 --> 00:44:55,442
To get the success you said
you wanted more than anything.
925
00:44:55,475 --> 00:44:57,377
Why stop now?
926
00:44:57,411 --> 00:44:59,413
Youre so close.
927
00:44:59,446 --> 00:45:01,415
Finish it.
928
00:45:01,448 --> 00:45:03,150
Use what you got.
929
00:45:03,183 --> 00:45:04,952
Weaponize that shit.
930
00:45:04,985 --> 00:45:08,155
Bring down
the motherfucking house.
931
00:45:15,095 --> 00:45:17,064
Oh, shit. Okay, so,
932
00:45:17,097 --> 00:45:19,032
(fading): so many people talk
about how hard it is...
933
00:45:22,436 --> 00:45:24,404
(high-pitched ringing)
934
00:45:30,444 --> 00:45:32,512
So...
935
00:45:32,546 --> 00:45:34,514
♪
936
00:45:35,749 --> 00:45:37,351
DIDI:
Um...
937
00:45:39,453 --> 00:45:40,721
Shes so fine...
938
00:45:40,754 --> 00:45:42,623
(continues indistinctly)
939
00:45:42,656 --> 00:45:44,124
But you know what?
940
00:45:44,157 --> 00:45:47,160
(continues indistinctly)
941
00:45:47,728 --> 00:45:49,463
(muffled laughter)
942
00:45:49,496 --> 00:45:51,665
And that is a pussy-eating joke.
(cheering)
943
00:45:51,698 --> 00:45:54,067
You guys have been amazing.
944
00:45:54,101 --> 00:45:56,403
Im Didi Scott.
Thank you so much.
945
00:45:56,436 --> 00:45:57,638
(cheering continues)
946
00:45:57,671 --> 00:45:58,972
Oh, oh!
947
00:45:59,006 --> 00:46:00,540
(audience whooping)
948
00:46:08,181 --> 00:46:10,284
(applause continues)
949
00:46:12,019 --> 00:46:14,521
That was amazing.
950
00:46:14,554 --> 00:46:16,089
That was hilarious.
951
00:46:16,123 --> 00:46:17,457
(applause continues)
952
00:46:17,491 --> 00:46:20,327
Keep it going
for the incredible Di...
953
00:46:24,698 --> 00:46:26,533
(mouthing)
954
00:46:26,566 --> 00:46:29,036
(applause continues)
955
00:46:29,069 --> 00:46:31,071
Please keep it going...
956
00:46:32,572 --> 00:46:34,374
(voice breaking):
Please keep it going...
957
00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:38,412
Please keep it going
958
00:46:38,445 --> 00:46:41,548
for the incredible
Didi Scott, everyone.
959
00:46:50,590 --> 00:46:53,694
(loud laughter) Karen
Conroy, she broke my heart.
960
00:46:53,727 --> 00:46:56,129
Lizzy Appleman,
what a bitch!
961
00:46:56,163 --> 00:46:56,964
Mary Beth Bryce!
962
00:46:56,997 --> 00:46:58,598
She didnt even
know I was alive!
963
00:46:58,632 --> 00:47:02,302
Bye-bye!
Mrs. Kern from Westlake High.
964
00:47:02,336 --> 00:47:04,204
B-plus. Youre gone!
965
00:47:04,237 --> 00:47:06,039
Sarah Vollman.
966
00:47:06,073 --> 00:47:08,408
Oh, my parents
friends kid, Neel.
967
00:47:08,442 --> 00:47:11,278
I dont like how he looks at me.
968
00:47:11,311 --> 00:47:13,380
Parson twins! Fuck them both!
969
00:47:13,413 --> 00:47:15,315
Um, Yuri Bhattacharya.
970
00:47:15,349 --> 00:47:16,616
Yuri Bhattacharyas mom.
971
00:47:16,650 --> 00:47:19,519
Lets go for it!
Yuri Bhattacharyas fucking dog!
972
00:47:19,553 --> 00:47:21,154
Ah, Serena Tam!
973
00:47:21,188 --> 00:47:24,291
She wouldnt share her lunch...
Fuck you, bitch!
974
00:47:24,324 --> 00:47:27,094
Uh, um, Billy Chung!
975
00:47:27,127 --> 00:47:28,195
From college.
976
00:47:28,228 --> 00:47:29,463
Fuck Billy Chung!
977
00:47:29,496 --> 00:47:31,531
Goodbye! Uh...
978
00:47:31,565 --> 00:47:34,401
You know what?
Dr. Baldwin, my dentist?
979
00:47:34,434 --> 00:47:36,236
Fuck him! Fuck root canals!
980
00:47:36,269 --> 00:47:38,205
(laughter)
981
00:47:38,238 --> 00:47:39,773
Thank you!
982
00:47:39,806 --> 00:47:41,675
I like that.
983
00:47:41,708 --> 00:47:45,112
Uh... Skip Torrance,
Jana Torrance!
984
00:47:45,145 --> 00:47:46,346
All the Torrances!
985
00:47:46,380 --> 00:47:49,282
(woman boos)
986
00:47:49,316 --> 00:47:50,550
"Boo"?
987
00:47:50,584 --> 00:47:53,286
(woman boos)
988
00:47:53,320 --> 00:47:55,622
Really? Read the fucking room.
989
00:47:55,655 --> 00:47:57,491
(microphone feedback)
990
00:47:57,524 --> 00:47:59,292
What are you doing here?
991
00:47:59,326 --> 00:48:02,362
You shouldnt be here.
992
00:48:02,396 --> 00:48:04,831
You have something to say to me
in the middle of my act?
993
00:48:04,865 --> 00:48:06,566
Your "act"?
994
00:48:06,600 --> 00:48:08,335
I hear this kid
kills hecklers.
995
00:48:08,368 --> 00:48:10,070
This is gonna be good.
996
00:48:11,138 --> 00:48:12,873
This is your act.
997
00:48:12,906 --> 00:48:15,275
I found it.
998
00:48:15,308 --> 00:48:18,378
Its just names, Samir.
999
00:48:18,412 --> 00:48:20,347
I dont even know
who these people are.
1000
00:48:20,380 --> 00:48:21,615
People who wronged you,
1001
00:48:21,648 --> 00:48:23,250
people you dont like.
1002
00:48:23,283 --> 00:48:27,187
Your act is just you being
superior to other people.
1003
00:48:27,220 --> 00:48:28,422
Taking them down.
1004
00:48:28,455 --> 00:48:29,389
Go ahead.
1005
00:48:29,423 --> 00:48:31,258
Use me.
Use me for fuel.
1006
00:48:31,291 --> 00:48:34,127
Burn me up so you can get
where you always wanted to go.
1007
00:48:34,161 --> 00:48:35,262
Do it.
1008
00:48:35,295 --> 00:48:36,830
Whats stopping you?
1009
00:48:51,611 --> 00:48:52,779
Okay.
1010
00:48:52,813 --> 00:48:54,614
You want to hear
the whole story?
1011
00:48:56,216 --> 00:48:58,418
Youre right,
I have been selfish.
1012
00:48:58,452 --> 00:49:00,921
You said it and I heard it.
1013
00:49:00,954 --> 00:49:03,857
I dont know if anybody else
couldve gotten me to hear that,
1014
00:49:03,890 --> 00:49:06,460
but you sure know how
to get me to hear things.
1015
00:49:06,493 --> 00:49:08,728
But I dont want to talk to you
about that tonight,
1016
00:49:08,762 --> 00:49:10,697
ladies and gentlemen.
1017
00:49:10,730 --> 00:49:14,701
Tonight, I want to talk to you
about someone Ive known
1018
00:49:14,734 --> 00:49:16,470
a very long time.
1019
00:49:16,503 --> 00:49:19,272
Clever, loveable
in a lot of ways,
1020
00:49:19,306 --> 00:49:20,841
someone youd think
would be a good person
1021
00:49:20,874 --> 00:49:23,610
with a lot to offer the world.
1022
00:49:24,644 --> 00:49:26,446
Ladies and gentlemen...
1023
00:49:26,480 --> 00:49:29,316
tonight, I want
to talk to you
1024
00:49:29,349 --> 00:49:31,151
about...
1025
00:49:33,620 --> 00:49:34,721
...myself.
1026
00:49:34,754 --> 00:49:36,857
(laughter and applause)
1027
00:49:42,996 --> 00:49:44,731
Im a comedian.
1028
00:49:44,764 --> 00:49:46,733
Which is a job like any other.
1029
00:49:46,766 --> 00:49:48,969
Except instead of climbing
1030
00:49:49,002 --> 00:49:50,804
into the gears
of an enormous machine
1031
00:49:50,837 --> 00:49:53,773
to chase a hat,
like I assume all of you do,
1032
00:49:53,807 --> 00:49:57,644
I come up here and I try
and make people laugh.
1033
00:49:57,677 --> 00:50:00,881
Why? Because I want
to spread joy?
1034
00:50:00,914 --> 00:50:03,216
Because I want the world
to be a better place?
1035
00:50:03,250 --> 00:50:05,886
Nope! Its because
Im a garbage can
1036
00:50:05,919 --> 00:50:08,622
who needs lots of
money and validation
1037
00:50:08,655 --> 00:50:10,624
emptied right into me!
1038
00:50:10,657 --> 00:50:12,359
I want people to
come up to me
1039
00:50:12,392 --> 00:50:14,561
on the street
and ask for selfies!
1040
00:50:14,594 --> 00:50:16,630
I dont even care if
they know who I am.
1041
00:50:16,663 --> 00:50:18,398
I just want them to think
1042
00:50:18,431 --> 00:50:19,666
Im somebody!
1043
00:50:19,699 --> 00:50:21,801
And I want to
have it so much
1044
00:50:21,835 --> 00:50:23,370
that I want to be sick of it.
1045
00:50:23,403 --> 00:50:25,772
I want them to come up to me
and I want to be like,
1046
00:50:25,805 --> 00:50:27,507
"Dont you know Im
just a garbage can
1047
00:50:27,541 --> 00:50:30,377
who wants to
live my own life?"
1048
00:50:30,410 --> 00:50:32,412
Why do I want that?
1049
00:50:34,781 --> 00:50:36,850
I dont know.
1050
00:50:38,752 --> 00:50:40,754
But it doesnt matter.
1051
00:50:40,787 --> 00:50:42,756
I am a bully.
1052
00:50:42,789 --> 00:50:46,393
People are just material to me.
1053
00:50:46,426 --> 00:50:48,728
I throw them away.
1054
00:50:48,762 --> 00:50:51,865
Im a country with one export
1055
00:50:51,898 --> 00:50:54,267
and theres really
only one thing
1056
00:50:54,301 --> 00:50:56,236
left for me to give!
1057
00:50:59,873 --> 00:51:02,709
Ladies and gentlemen,
1058
00:51:02,742 --> 00:51:06,546
Ive been Samir Wassan!
1059
00:51:06,580 --> 00:51:08,048
(cheering and applause)
1060
00:51:08,081 --> 00:51:10,016
♪
1061
00:51:27,734 --> 00:51:30,403
(indistinct chatter)
1062
00:51:30,437 --> 00:51:31,838
Hey.
Hey, dude.
1063
00:51:31,871 --> 00:51:34,574
You have fun?
Yeah, it was actually
1064
00:51:34,608 --> 00:51:36,743
really funny.
Glad you liked it.
1065
00:51:37,677 --> 00:51:38,712
Oh, look.
1066
00:51:38,745 --> 00:51:40,313
Didi Scotts right there.
1067
00:51:40,347 --> 00:51:42,449
You want to say hi?
No, Im fine.
1068
00:51:42,482 --> 00:51:44,884
You sure? Well, Im gonna.
1069
00:51:45,819 --> 00:51:47,988
Hey.
You were hilarious.
1070
00:51:48,021 --> 00:51:50,423
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
1071
00:51:53,493 --> 00:51:56,496
Thank you.
(clicks tongue)
1072
00:52:00,066 --> 00:52:01,835
Something to take
the pain away.
1073
00:52:01,868 --> 00:52:03,770
(chuckles) Coming
right up, Deeds.
1074
00:52:06,740 --> 00:52:08,875
Well, holy shit.
1075
00:52:08,908 --> 00:52:10,810
JC Wheeler.
1076
00:52:10,844 --> 00:52:13,513
In the fleshy flesh.
1077
00:52:13,546 --> 00:52:14,748
(gasps)
1078
00:52:14,781 --> 00:52:16,983
I saw your set.
1079
00:52:17,017 --> 00:52:18,785
(laughs)
1080
00:52:18,818 --> 00:52:20,687
Wow. If--
1081
00:52:20,720 --> 00:52:22,522
If you had any notes...
1082
00:52:24,858 --> 00:52:27,360
NARRATOR: Samir Wassan
learned the hard way
1083
00:52:27,394 --> 00:52:29,829
that sometimes,
getting everything you want
1084
00:52:29,863 --> 00:52:32,365
means losing
everything you love.
1085
00:52:32,399 --> 00:52:35,702
And after finally finding
himself on the verge
1086
00:52:35,735 --> 00:52:37,504
of becoming somebody,
1087
00:52:37,537 --> 00:52:39,839
he chose instead to once again
1088
00:52:39,873 --> 00:52:41,875
be a nobody.
1089
00:52:41,908 --> 00:52:44,110
In the end, Samirs final encore
1090
00:52:44,144 --> 00:52:47,747
is a show you can
only buy a ticket to...
1091
00:52:47,781 --> 00:52:49,749
in The Twilight Zone.
1092
00:53:02,313 --> 00:53:07,313
Subtitles by explosiveskull
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