All language subtitles for The Twilight Zone 01x01

SAMIR: It's crazy times,
guys, crazy times.

So one side is saying,

"Hey, people are killing
each other with machine guns.

"Maybe normal civilians
shouldn't have machine guns,

and only soldiers who are
in an active ground war."

And then the other side is saying,

"Well, you can't take away machine guns

"because of the Second Amendment.

"The Second Amendment,
you can't regulate guns

because of the Second Amendment."

So, to be clear, your argument is

that guns should have
no regulations on them

because of the Second Amendment,

which literally starts with the words,

"A well regulated."

That's literally how it starts!

And the whole amendment has 27 words,

and three of them are "a," "well,"

and "regulated."

That's 11.1%, folks.

[LIGHT LAUGHTER]

You know?

I know what this guy's thinking.

This guy's like, "But, Samir,

11.1% isn't that much."

But imagine you're on a plane,

and halfway through your
journey, the pilot comes on

and he's like, "Hey, folks.

"Classic good news, bad news.

"Good news, we'll be getting you

89% of the way there.

Bad news, that puts us

at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

[LIGHT LAUGHTER]

[THROATS CLEARING]

[MAN SIGHS]

All right. That's my time. Thank you.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey, Al. Uh, something cheap and brown.

No ice.

[ICE CLINKING, DRINK POURS]

JOE: Looking good, Tiff. Huh?

- Special occasion, huh? Come on.
- Perfect. Thank you.

WOMAN: Leave me alone.

JOE: Let me try some new stuff on you.

Hey, why do they call me
the gravedigger, huh?

'Cause I'd like to
bury my face in those boobs.

- [LAUGHING]
- Okay. Okay.

Okay, here's some advice
if you want some:

maybe you should try
putting some jokesin there.

Yeah, well, I don't want to do
jokes about cats versus dogs,

and New York versus L.A.,

and airline food, and
ethnic stereotypes, okay?

Didi? If you don't make people think,

your comedy's never going to matter.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

People like my act, okay?

- I have 59,000 followers.
- Mm-hmm.

So I should be more like Joe Donner

- and murder some people?
- MAN: Come on, what?

Come on, you and me and a bottle of beer.

WOMAN: No, thanks.

Come on, baby.

Come on, he didn't.

He didn't.

What? [LAUGHING]

The legal system ruled it wasn't murder.

Yeah, they fucked that up.

But you know what?

That is exactly your problem, Samir.

Funny is funny.

And that dude...

not you, but that dude...

is funny.

Okay?

No, that's...

Okay. Well, good talk.

Hey, could you put that all in an e-mail

and, uh, send it to the ocean?

Yeah, sure.
Hey, could you suck my vagina?

[LAUGHING]

What matters is not followers.

- What matters is adjusted...
- Gross income.

Yeah, we all know that JC Wheel...

JC Wheeler.

Ah. In the fleshy flesh.

Oh, man, I...

Hey, can... hey,

I am such a fan of yours.

I mean, I know everyone's a fan
of yours, but I'm the...

- Thank you.
- How's your day?

What've you been doing?

Man. You were everywhere
and then you just disappeared.

You had it all. What happened?

I had it all.

- Hey, I saw your set.
- Oh, you did?

Oh, man... feel free to
tell me to go fuck myself,

but if you have any notes for me

or anything, I'll give you anything.

I'll give you my dog.

Well, it's not my dog.
It's my girlfriend's dog.

But we've been dating since high school,

so it's basically my dog.

My dog, her dog. Dog's a dog.

Your dog if you want it.

See, all this shit is funny.

Funnier than the Second
Amendment, I'll tell you that.

Well, obviously, it's not
the amendment that's funny.

What I find funny is the fraudulent...

Next.

What?

Next topic.

[CHUCKLES] That's funny.

But seriously, if you have any notes

for me, you know...

- You want notes?
- Yeah.

Fuck politics.

The audience don't care
about what you think.

They care about you.

Right.

Yeah, I know everyone says

be personal, truth in comedy,

but don't you think
that's a bit of a cop-out?

The audience doesn't want
to hear you make points.

You dating a high school girl?

- Now that's interesting.
- Oh.

I'm not dating a high school girl. We...

Now that's comedy.

Right, but isn't that
gross and exhibitionistic?

Isn't the whole point to provide insight

into the human condition?

Provide insight, huh.

What do you want?

Are you happy with your life?

With your career?

Don't you want it all?

Yes. More than anything.

You have one thing.

One natural resource.

You are a country with one export.

And you are the export.

I'll tell you a secret.

Put yourself out there
and you will get laughs.

You will be successful.

Are you sure... that's what you want?

Yes.

Now you have to be sure to be sure.

'Cause once you put it out there...

the audience will take it in.
They will connect.

And once they connect to it...

it's theirs.

And once it's theirs...

that shit is gone forever.

Listen, my life is okay. It's fine.

But you don't choose comedy
because you want a fine life,

you choose comedy
because you want it all.

Hmm.

Well, okay, then.

- [LOUD LAUGHTER]
- Right? Right?

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- And let me tell you, your next guest

needs no introduction.

I'm Joe Donner.

And you're a bunch of fucking idiots!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[BELCHES, BLOWS]

[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

Hi, everybody. Hi.

So, the Second Amendment,
which people use to justify

having their, uh, uh,

having no regulations on guns, um,

actually begins with the
words, "A well regulated."

[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

11.1 perc... percent of the whole thing.

I wish you could all see
your own faces right now.

You have the exact expression
that my dog has

when she's taking a shit.

[LAUGHTER]

Like, "Don't look at me."

- "Why are you here watching this?"
- [LAUGHTER]

"There has to be a
better way to do this."

Okay. Okay, you want to talk about this?

Okay, I-I love my dog.

The other day, she peed on my pizza.

[LAUGHTER]

But that's my fault.

I shouldn't have yelled at her

while she was standing on my pizza.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

But I... She's cool.

Um, her name is Cat.

[LAUGHTER]

Which I know soundslike
a stupid name for a dog,

but that's only because it is
a stupid name for a dog.

[LAUGHTER]

It's even stupider when you realize

it's actually short for Cat-erpillar.

[LOUD LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[PEOPLE WHOOPING]

[DROPS KEYS]

[WHISPERING]: Cat.

Cat. Come here, baby.

[CLICKING TONGUE] Cat. Cat.

Cat?

Hey, Rena?

I really killed tonight.

- It's my best set ever.
- [EXHALES] Mm.

That's great.

They were laughing at stuff I was saying,

at the punch lines.

And at the end, they
cheered so hard, I was like,

"What's that?" and I was like, "Oh,

that's for me."

I've never felt anything like it.

Hey, where's Cat?

Huh?

No, you just sleep.
I'm gonna go walk the dog,

but I can't find her.

Oh, I thought you said "dog."

Yeah. Cat. Where's Cat?

Oh, my God, you didn't
leave the door open, did you?

Or the window?

I don't know what this game is,
Samir, but I'm trying to sleep.

Our dog, Rena. Where's our dog?

What?

We don't have a dog or a cat, Samir.

You're so annoying.

NARRATOR: Samir Wassan is an
artist of great principle.

A man who refuses
to compromise his beliefs

for a cheap joke.

But tonight, he felt
the rush of the limelight

for the first time.

Now, he'll have to decide

what really matters to him
when the laughter stops.

And how much he's willing
to give... to The Twilight Zone.

[THE TWILIGHT ZONETHEME PLAYING]

NARRATOR: You're traveling
through another dimension,

a dimension not only of
sight and sound but of mind.

It is the middle ground
between light and shadow,

between science and superstition.

And it lies between
the pit of one's fears

and the summit of one's knowledge.

You are now traveling through
a dimension of imagination.

You've just crossed over
into The Twilight Zone.

Synced and corrected by -robtor-
www.addic7ed.com

DEVEN: What happened to that bus stop?

SAMIR: There's a very bad man
who's another comic here,

he got drunk and drove into it.
People died.

Anyway, could you give me a hand here?

Is this a part of your act?

No. I had to google Jack Russell Terriers

because I couldn't find
any pictures of Cat on my phone,

which is so strange,

'cause I take pictures of her
all the time.

I don't get it. Who's Cat?

Oh, okay.

Rena put you up to this.

- Okay. Okay.
- What?

What? No. I like seeing you do stand-up.

You know what? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

You and Rena do your hilarious prank.

It's very funny.

Very funny.

Come on.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, uh, is JC Wheeler here today?

[CHUCKLES]: Yeah, right.

That sign's so funny.

"No apostrophes."

Yeah, you might be the target audience.

I don't get it.

'Cause the club's called Eddies,

but you'd think that it would be Eddie's.

But then this sign's saying that,

no, it is actually Eddie's,

it's just that we don't allow
apostrophes, so now it's Eddies.

That is funny.

Yeah, it's really clever.

DIDI: Hey, girls.

What is this? Community service?

Oh, this is Deven, my nephew.

He's, uh, staying with me.

Actually, I'm Rena's nephew.

Oh, shit!

He said check your lane.

He did not say "check your lane."

He said check your bitch-ass lane.

SAMIR: Don't say the...
any of the bad words.

He's staying with us.
He's in from out of town.

Hey, handsome.

So, you seen Uncle Samir
do his "comedy" before,

or is this the first time
you've had the "privilege"?

I've seen him do it a couple of times,

but you know, you're actually kind of

what made me want to be a stand-up comic.

Just like you.

Oh, that's so nice.
Thank you for telling me.

DEVEN: Well, I mean,

not justlike you.
I kind of want to be, like...

you know, a goodcomedian?

- Oh, shit!
- Language.

- Nephew's funny, dude.
- All right.

Okay, um, I got to use the restroom

before I get up on stage.

Why don't you just take a shit
on stage like you did last time?

And three of the 27 words are,
"A well regulated."

[PHONES CHIMING]

Geez. You know what?

Maybe I'll pull out my phone, too.

Maybe we can text, you know?

What's everyone's phone number?

You guys are just like my nephew.

I can only get through to him
if I text him.

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah.

Hey,

- asshole.
- [LAUGHTER]

Get off your phone,
I'm talking about you.

[APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER]

He's ten years old, he's ten,

and he was making fun of my act
earlier tonight.

He was!

He was saying I'm not funny.

He's ten.

Actually, he's not even my nephew.

I don't know if that
makes it better or worse.

No, it actually makes it worse

'cause if he was my nephew,
at least the family

would be coming out on top,

but this way...

[APPLAUSE]

This way, just some random
ten-year-old is dunking on me.

[LAUGHTER]

Deven Singh, everyone.

Give it up for Deven Singh.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

MAN: Congrats, man. That was awesome.

Damn. You brought it.

That was actually a good set.

Thanks to Deven.
Have you seen him, by the way?

I hope I didn't embarrass him too much.

Okay, who are we talking about right now?

My nephew, my girlfriend's
nephew. Wants to be a comedian,

but better than me.

I don't know what the hell
you're talking about,

but I think I just hit

my Samir limit.

Hey, did you guys see
a little boy come out here?

Did you guys see a little
boy, like, a ten-year-old boy

- come out here at all?
- WOMAN: Haven't seen him. Sorry.

Hey, did you guys see
a little boy come out here?

- Like, a leather jacket, he's Indian?
- Sorry, dude.

Deven?

Deven!

- Call Deven Singh.
- [PHONE CHIMES]

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Did you mean Anisha Singh?

Call Deven Singh.

- [PHONE CHIMES]
- AUTOMATED VOICE: Okay.

- No, no, no. Call Deven.
- [PHONE CHIMES]

AUTOMATED VOICE: I don't see
"Deven" in your contacts.

Should I look for locations by that name?

[PHONE CHIMES]

♪

Hey, have you heard from...

You see, the laws...

Samir. It's lovely to see you.

RENA: Hey, baby. How was your show?

I didn't know you were gonna
have company tonight.

We were just talking about comedy.

I was making the case that it is art,

just as much as theater,

or literature, or paintings.

Hold on one second, David.

You know, I have a lot
of respect for what you do.

Thank you.

Um, can I talk to you
real quick? It's about Deven.

- Who?
- Deven. Can we talk over here, please?

Who's Deven again?

- Is that Fran's boyfriend?
- Deven. Your sister's son.

I don't like that joke.
You know Anisha can't have kids.

But that's just it, see?

Comedy has to go to these
dark places because

- it's art.
- That is bullshit.

- He's in this picture right here.
- What I'm saying is,

if he doesn't push the boundaries,

[FADING]: he's as derelict...

...if I were to let an innocent man

go to prison. It really is no different.

Don't you remember?
He was in this picture.

He was wearing that leather
jacket and I made fun of him.

I called him The Fonz, and he was like,

"Who's that? You're so old."

Baby...

He's just gone.

Anisha never even had him.

Oh, my God, now you're
worrying about my sister?

You're right.

You-You-You're right,

I shouldn't be worrying
about her 'cause... [STAMMERS]

There never was a Deven,
so it's not like he's dead.

He just never existed,

so it's not like I killed him.

Okay, now you're scaring me.

Are you all right, Samir?

What happened tonight?

Are you feeling okay?

SAMIR: It was JC Wheeler.

JC Wheeler told me...

Whoa, whoa, you met JC Wheeler?

Yeah, he was at the club last night.

That is so cool.

JC Wheeler told me I need
to put myself out there,

that I need to be more personal on stage,

and then people would connect to it,

and then people would relate to me,

and then... [GASPS]

It would be gone forever.

Please don't put me
in the mental hospital.

Why the mental hospital?

You got one picked out?

[LAUGHS]

There he is. There's my guy.

It's okay, Samir.

Look, I think what you're describing

might be a good thing.

The feeling that if you
put something out there

from your real life, you'll get laughs.

That sounds like therapy to me.

You work through these things

so that you could
free yourself from them.

It's terrifying to put
yourself out there,

but it's true what they say,

"Sunlight really is
the best disinfectant."

Okay, okay, David,
I'm-I'm sorry. Would you mind?

- Oh, say no more.
- [CHUCKLES]

[CLICKS TONGUE]

[SIGHS]

You have been at this
for five years, five.

And I've been very supportive,

but if you've finally found the thing

that can help you find your audience,

how are you not gonna
throw yourself at that?

Well, what about the part
where things get...

erased?

DAVID: She's right, you know.

Art is the noblest
pursuit in the world, but...

it's not paying the rent.

[WHISPERING]: I'm sorry.

COMIC: But what I really like,
what I really like

is when people spell curse words
using asterisks.

You've seen this? You know what
I'm talking about? It's like...

I guess asterisks are kind of
like the chastity belt

of the vowel world,
in the vowel community.

I was looking for you.

Heard you were great
the last couple nights.

Congrats, kid, you're headlining.

Oh. Thank you.

[LAUGHING] Hey.

Don't fuck it up. Huh?

Who am I kidding? Come on, it's you,

of course you're gonna fuck it up.

Hey, I'm just messing with you.

EMCEE: ...very funny guy, Samir Wassan!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

MAN: All right!

[PEOPLE WHOOPING]

SAMIR: Thank you.

So a lot of people use
the Second Amendment

as an excuse to say that guns
shouldn't be regulated,

except that the Second Amendment

actually starts with the words, "A well

regulated."

I have a ten-year-old nephew,

and the other day
he was making fun of my act.

He's ten years old.

He's ten.

Right.

[QUIETLY]: I don't have a nephew anymore.

[WOMAN CLEARS THROAT]

How about this president, huh?

I don't want to say
he's a fascist dickhead

who should be hung by his nuts
in the public square,

but only because I don't want
to talk to the Secret Service.

WOMAN: Oh, man.

Hey, uh, give it up for the guy
who was on stage

- right before me.
- [LIGHT LAUGHTER]

- MAN: Yeah!
- He's funny, right?

He really crushed.

- Didn't he?
- [CHEERING]

Not as badly as he crushed
a mom and her baby

at the bus stop across the street.

[AUDIENCE OOHING]

I'm not joking! He did that.

[LAUGHTER]

That mangled bus stop
across the street...

[APPLAUSE]

...that's his best work!
That's his biggest credit!

[LAUGHTER]

It was in the news.

He got away with it, though.

And you saw his act,
you-you wouldn't think a guy

with a hateful,
misogynistic act like that

would also be a drunk driver.

No, actually, that stands.

That makes sense.

Give it up for

human piece of shit,

Joe Donner.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- [JOE LAUGHING]

'Cause he didn't smash into it,

because he doesn't exist.

Hey, hey, you're the...
Hey, you totally killed tonight.

Oh, thank you. You know,
I actually un-killed two people.

- [LAUGHS]
- This is you, right?

- Yup.
- I am following you right now.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, thank you so much.

- Don't drink and drive, okay?
- All right.

Just like Joe Donner didn't anymore.

- Okay.
- You're so funny.

- He is.
- I also saved two lives.

One was a baby!

[SCRIBBLING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

SAMIR: I knew this kid
in high school, he was a prick!

Just a bad guy.

He was mean, he was a bully.

But you know what?
It's not fair to judge someone

by how they were in high school, right?

People change.

They grow, they learn.

So I looked him up online.

Now he works for Doctors Without Borders.

Oh, you horrible pieces of shit.

I'm joking. Jamie Benson
murdered his fiancée.

[LAUGHTER]

He did!

Yes!

I love being right!

- [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
- Great!

Not so great for his fiancée...
rest in peace. She's gone now.

More like Murderers
With Borders, am I right?

Sometimes the covers
do tell you a fair amount

about the book, don't they?

[CHEERING]

Cheap and brown,

- no ice.
- You know it, Al.

O-Or what about Coach Keller?

Oh, yeah. That was crazy.

I guess we just didn't know
how crazy it was at the time.

Uh, I knew.

Man, there really are a lot
of loathsome psychopaths

in the world, huh?

Thank God you're not
a loathsome psychopath.

That's the most romantic thing

you've ever said to me.

- Uh-oh!
- Oh!

- Ah!
- Why are you screaming?

I thought it might get on my coat.

What about my face?

This is my favorite coat,

and it is so much more expensive
than your face, baby.

I'm sorry.

- What are you doing?
- Pizza face!

[SCREAMING, LAUGHING]

♪

[PHONE CHIMES]

SAMIR: So you know how, in school,
rumors would get started,

and it didn't even matter

if they were true or not,
it would just become legend?

You know what I'm talking about?

Well, unless the Times

and a jury of his peers
were being huge gossips,

- [LAUGHTER]
- that rumor about

Coach Keller

being a pervert who preyed on kids?

That rumor was true.

That one did happen.

You know, I've been
feeling like my comedy

could really make a difference, like,

the more I open up on stage,

the, the more I change the world.

[LAUGHS]: Is that completely
narcissistic and delusional?

Uh, yes, but I don't mind it.

I like this new you.

So do I.

Hey, um, do you remember
that guy we ran into

who you defended, and then later
you found out he totally

did do all those horrible things?

I can't believe I said that.

No, no, no, it's good that you told me.

What did you say
the guy's name was again?

I can't tell you that.

Yes, you can.

David says a good defense attorney

- never lets her opinions seep into...
- Oh, great, David.

Really?

I'm so sorry I mentioned
my friend's name in passing.

No, no, no, keep going.
There's gonna be a great story.

I've been starved for some
of that David Kandel wisdom.

And I've been starved for some of that

Samir Wassan jealous prick routine.

Jealous prick? Okay. Routine? Wow.

Why, what would you call it?

What would I call a law professor

who's always having romantic
dinners with his former student,

- my girlfriend?
- They are not romantic.

David is my friend, and my mentor...

Oh, mentor. Okay.
Yeah, why was I worried?

There's no way a mentor would try

and fuck an attractive student.

Screw you, Samir.

"Screw you." That's really good.
Are you taking argument classes?

'Cause that's still some beginner shit.

Maybe move up to "Go fuck yourself."

Rena?

SAMIR: So I met a murderer today.

I did.

I actually met a murderer.

I was talking to this
tattooed guy on the bus,

and he just straight-up told me
that he murdered someone.

You know, I guess it makes sense,

'cause if I was a murderer,

I would want to tell people,
too, you know?

Pride in what you do is important.

Although, it seems like

resisting the urge to tell people

might be an important life skill
for a murderer.

[MAN COUGHS]

Buck. His name was Buck.

Buck.

From Pennsylvania?

Unless he gave me a fake name.

- I, uh...
- [PHONE CHIMES]

I've got something you guys might like.

Do you guys have
a girlfriend who's got, like,

a creepy older "mentor"?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

You know, who's, like, just her friend,

and not trying to sleep with her at all.

Just some older, white,
pretentious motherfucker.

With his fucking little beard,
and he knows everything.

This guy knows everything.

And then you get in trouble.

You get called a jealous boyfriend

for trying to save her
from getting MeToo'd

by fucking David Kandel?

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Wow.

"Top Comedians to Follow," huh?

Oh, yeah.

I forgot about that.

Must be so exciting for you
to know someone on that list.

You've been strutting around here

like the cock of the walk lately.

[CHUCKLES] Great metaphor.

Hey, I'm a little busy right now.

Could you text my assistant,
'cause I want to talk.

Don't make me hurt you, Samir.

[QUIETLY]: Hey, baby.

Hey.

Hilarious as always, Samir.

Hey, what would your, uh, mentor David

have thought of that set?

What are you talking about?

Wait, where are you going?

I have to get to my shift.

W-What shift?

Rena, what's wrong?

I'm late. You gonna get me fired?

Okay.

Why would they have you come in now?

And they're not gonna fire
their best lawyer

for being slightly late.

Lawyer? Are you kidding me?

Wait, wait, wait, you're,
you're not a lawyer?

Screw you.

David Kandel.

She doesn't have a career
without fucking David Kandel.

Rena, I screwed something up.

You have screwed many things up,
Samir, but I am late right now.

I'm sorry.

No, no, listen. I changed something.

- Okay? You were supposed to...
- Supposed to what?

Keep waiting patiently for you
to get your career together?

No.

Wait, where's your red coat?

The one we got in Paris?

- What are you talking about?
- Paris.

When we went to Paris. The...

We never went to Paris
'cause we couldn't afford it.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Hey, hey, hey. I swear to God,

if you touch me one more time...

- You okay, honey?
- I'm fine.

She's fine. It's okay, it's okay.

Okay, hey, hey, that was the trip

that saved our relationship.

- But we didn't go on it...
- Saved our...?

Listen, we couldn't go because
you couldn't afford it,

but now I can afford it, so...

You're a dick, Samir.

- Okay, you don't understand...
- No, you don't understand.

You don't think about how your actions

affect me or anybody else.

We're all just background to you.

- Material.
- COOK: Table 12.

Hey.

I'm sorry. I'm sorr... hey.

Remember when you gave me that advice,

when you told me that I
could be strong on stage?

That I could play to my strengths?

You said that I need to let go of stuff?

So I did that. I did
that for us. I did that,

I did that for you.

You said it was okay to punch.

When am I gonna be the joke?

This argument, when's that
gonna show up in your act?

We're done, Samir.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

Listen to me. Listen to me.

I have this power, okay?

- I have this superpower.
- [STIFLED LAUGH]

I do. The reason you're doing
this right now...

The reason I'm doing this
right now, Samir,

is that you are a selfish asshole.

♪

♪

[YELLS]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you.

What do you think it's like
to have a penis?

Obviously...

That cute little Indian girl
dumped you, huh?

Shit, man, that sucks. I'm sorry.

For you, I'm sorry for you.
'Cause that was just

clearly the right decision
for her, you know?

She's all I know, I...

I don't know what I am without her.

[APPLAUSE IN DISTANCE]

My...

career's finally taking off.

Can't win at everything, right?

People think I'm funny.

You know how hard it's been for me,

people not thinking I was funny?

Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

I hear you.

Maybe this is how it goes.

You get something,
you got to give something up.

Samir,

if you go on a murder rampage,

can you try not to do it
while I'm here, please?

And just to be clear,
I say that not because

you're brown, I say it because

"you're a man," sort of.

PETE: There's my two little stars.

There's our weird, creepy uncle.

[LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES] Weird, creepy laugh.

So,

Candy Gower from The Gower Hour

is coming to the late set tonight.

- Okay.
- And she is here for you two.

Two?

PETE: You didn't hear this from me,

but The Gower Hourneeds
a new cast member,

and it's pretty much narrowed
down to two up-and-coming comics

you may have heard of named you and you.

Doesn't know our names.

EMCEE: Please welcome Samir Wassan.

He's Samir Wassan.

Ah. He just said it. So...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

SAMIR: The Second Amendment says...

uh, "A well regulated..."

My football coach was a rapist.

WOMAN: What did he just say?

Right.

You need fresh blood.

GABE: What we need is jokes.

Who said that? Who fucking said that?

It was me.

So you think you're funny?

No, we just think you're not.

[LAUGHTER]

MAN: Ooh...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Okay. Okay.

What's your name?

What's everybody's name?

Gabe.

Will.

Uh-huh. And where do you guys work?

Uh, we work at Wellspring Capital.

So you're, what, like, hedge fund guys?

WILL: Yeah, actually,

we invest in hedge funds.

Wow. [LAUGHS]

GABE: Yeah. Wow is right, bro.

We're talking about...

count 'em... mm... nine figures.

Nine figures!

I-I got to give it to you,
that actually is impressive.

You know, I love guys like this.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

They get off work after a long day

of investing in hedge funds...
did I get that right?

Want to make sure I get
the details right here.

These guys are like, "Oh,
we're gonna go to a comedy club,

"we're gonna heckle the comedian.

And tell everyone
how much money we make."

Gabe and Will, ladies and gentlemen.

Gabe and Will.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[WHOOPING]

[EXHALES]

It's you and me, huh?

- Not now.
- Oh, yeah. Now.

It's one spot.

One spot. [CHUCKLES]

On The Gower Hour.

[SCATTING]

[LAUGHS]

That shit should have
gone straight to me.

I have been the MVP up
in here for a minute.

But somehow,

suddenly,

you get funny.

How does that happen, huh?

How the hell you pull that off?

Didi, we really don't have to do this

- right now.
- What?

- I'm not gonna go on stage tonight.
- What?

- What are you talking about?
- I don't want it.

- You can have it. I don't want it.
- No. No, that is some...

- I-I'm not...
- No, fuck you. No.

No, I am not about to
let you do that shit.

Why not?

'Cause you're good.

You've been fucking killing it.

And I'm honestly kind of embarrassed

that I didn't see how funny
you were from the start.

But you can't stop now.

So, I came in here to tell you that if,

that if Candy Gower chooses you,

well, then I would be happy.

'Cause it would be a good choice.

WOMAN [OVER P.A.]: Didi to the
stage. Didi to the stage.

So no more of this bullshit about

"Oh, I'm not gonna go up,"

and "Oh, my goodness, I have a vagina

"and it's hurting and I'm on my period

and I can't find tampons"

or whatever the fuck
you're talking about.

Okay?

I'll see you...

on stage.

[SNIFFS] And may the baddest bitch win.

Which is me, by the way.

WOMAN [OVER P.A.]: Didi, you're on deck.

Didi? You're on deck.

I swear to God...

if I were straight, I would...

...probably be with
a Idris Elba-type dude.

But I would throw you
some pussy every now and again

out of respect for your comedy.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Kill it tonight, boo.

Whoo!

[LAUGHS]

[KNOCKING]

Let's get it!

DEVEN: The club's called Eddies

and you'd think that it would be Eddie's

but then that sign says that it's Eddies.

But then this sign's saying that,

no, itis actually Eddie's,

it's just that
we don't allow apostrophes,

so now it's Eddies.

[GRUNTS]

Oh.

[PANTING]

There you are.

Didi's up next, then you. You ready?

What the hell are you doing on the floor?

Is Candy Gower here?

You bet your dick she is.

This is it, kid. This is it.

JC: This is it, kid.

This is it.

What did you do to me?

Do to you?

I just told you
how to get what you wanted.

I wanted to make people laugh,
I did not want

to make them disappear.

I wanted to be the next Chris Rock.

Not evil...

David Copperfield.

I warned you what would happen
if you put stuff out there.

You did not tell me I was
gonna be murdering people.

Murdering people?

Now who the hell is murdering people?

You can't murder people
who never existed.

That's semantics.

There are no crying moms.

It's not murder if there
are no crying moms.

See, that's the criteria for murder.

Willful, premeditated,

crying moms.

- But...
- But what?

These people were never born.

Now, you might think you remember them

but you're incorrect. They're gone.

They're gone.

They are gone.

But where do they go?

WOMAN [OVER P.A.]: Samir Wassan,

you're up next in five.

You still have a chance.

To get the success you said
you wanted more than anything.

Why stop now?

You're so close.

Finish it.

Use what you got.

Weaponize that shit.

Bring down the motherfucking house.

Oh, shit. Okay, so,

[FADING]: so many people talk
about how hard it is...

[HIGH-PITCHED RINGING]

So...

♪

DIDI: Um...

She's so fine...

[CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

But you know what?

[CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

[MUFFLED LAUGHTER]

- And that is a pussy-eating joke.
- [CHEERING]

You guys have been amazing.

I'm Didi Scott. Thank you so much.

[CHEERING CONTINUES]

Oh, oh!

[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

That was amazing.

That was hilarious.

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

Keep it going for the incredible Di...

[MOUTHING]

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

Please keep it going...

[VOICE BREAKING]: Please keep it going...

Please keep it going

for the incredible Didi Scott, everyone.

- [LOUD LAUGHTER]
- Karen Conroy, she broke my heart.

Lizzy Appleman, what a bitch!

Mary Beth Bryce!

She didn't even know I was alive!

Bye-bye! Mrs. Kern from Westlake High.

B-plus. You're gone!

Sarah Vollman.

Oh, my parents' friends' kid, Neel.

I don't like how he looks at me.

Parson twins! Fuck them both!

Um, Yuri Bhattacharya.

Yuri Bhattacharya's mom.

Let's go for it!
Yuri Bhattacharya's fucking dog!

Ah, Serena Tam!

She wouldn't share her lunch...
Fuck you, bitch!

Uh, um, Billy Chung!

From college.

Fuck Billy Chung!

Goodbye! Uh...

You know what? Dr. Baldwin, my dentist?

Fuck him! Fuck root canals!

[LAUGHTER]

Thank you!

I like that.

Uh... Skip Torrance, Jana Torrance!

All the Torrances!

[WOMAN BOOS]

"Boo"?

[WOMAN BOOS]

Really? Read the fucking room.

[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

What are you doing here?

You shouldn't be here.

You have something to say to me
in the middle of my act?

Your "act"?

I hear this kid kills hecklers.

This is gonna be good.

This is your act.

I found it.

It's just names, Samir.

I don't even know who these people are.

People who wronged you,
people you don't like.

Your act is just you being
superior to other people.

Taking them down.

Go ahead.

Use me. Use me for fuel.

Burn me up so you can get
where you always wanted to go.

Do it.

What's stopping you?

Okay.

You want to hear the whole story?

You're right, I have been selfish.

You said it and I heard it.

I don't know if anybody else
could've gotten me to hear that,

but you sure know how
to get me to hear things.

But I don't want to talk to you
about that tonight,

ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight, I want to talk to you
about someone I've known

a very long time.

Clever, loveable in a lot of ways,

someone you'd think
would be a good person

with a lot to offer the world.

Ladies and gentlemen...

tonight, I want to talk to you

about...

...myself.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'm a comedian.

Which is a job like any other.

Except instead of climbing

into the gears of an enormous machine

to chase a hat,
like I assume all of you do,

I come up here and I try
and make people laugh.

Why? Because I want to spread joy?

Because I want the world
to be a better place?

Nope! It's because I'm a garbage can

who needs lots of money and validation

emptied right into me!

I want people to come up to me

on the street and ask for selfies!

I don't even care if they know who I am.

I just want them to think

I'm somebody!

And I want to have it so much

that I want to be sick of it.

I want them to come up to me
and I want to be like,

"Don't you know I'm just a garbage can

who wants to live my own life?"

Why do I want that?

I don't know.

But it doesn't matter.

I am a bully.

People are just material to me.

I throw them away.

I'm a country with one export

and there's really only one thing

left for me to give!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I've been Samir Wassan!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey. Hey, dude.

- You have fun?
- Yeah, it was actually

- really funny.
- Glad you liked it.

Oh, look.

Didi Scott's right there.

- You want to say hi?
- No, I'm fine.

You sure? Well, I'm gonna.

Hey. You were hilarious.

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you. [CLICKS TONGUE]

Something to take the pain away.

[CHUCKLES] Coming right up, Deeds.

Well, holy shit.

JC Wheeler.

In the fleshy flesh.

[GASPS]

I saw your set.

[LAUGHS]

Wow. If...

If you had any notes...

NARRATOR: Samir Wassan
learned the hard way

that sometimes,
getting everything you want

means losing everything you love.

And after finally finding
himself on the verge

of becoming somebody,

he chose instead to once again

be a nobody.

In the end, Samir's final encore

is a show you can only buy a ticket to...

in The Twilight Zone.