All language subtitles for Queer.as.Folk.S05E03.HDTV.XviD

Buy you a drink?
- Gray goose and arsenic.

Hey, that should be tomorrow's
night two-buck special!
We'll make, ooh, at least...

six bucks?

How about a full page spread
in Out? I put window cards in
every shop on Libery Avenue.

I even have fucking go-go boys
in Speedos passing out flyers.

With promotion like that,
there should be lines around
the block. - Oh, there are.

At Poppers.

Drinks on the house.

For wasting our time and our talent.

I don't get why everyone left.

That's one of the great
mysteries of life...

How does a bud know when to open,
how does a bird know how to fly...

Why do queers desert
one club for another...

- Oh, I know, I'm late. I'm sorry.
- Don't worry about it.

Oh, how is my sweetie?
- Out like a light.

How much Xanax did you give her?

It was a joke. I wish I could get her
to sleep instead of crying all night.

Why did Jacobs have to say?

Oh, Michael doesn't havE A
fucking chance of proving

he'll be a better
custodial parent than me.

And the judge almost
always favors the mother.

Look what happened with
Hunter's mother for Christ sake.

- In this case, that's a relief.
- Yeah.

There is one more thing.

He thinks it's best if I
go to the meeting alone.

And why is that?

It'd be more prudent
and less complicated,

if we kept things between the
birth mother and the birth father.

I don't think it's so prudent... I have
as much right to be there as you do!

Actually, you don't, and your presence
could prove judgemental to my case.

Your case?

We were life partners for ten years.

And now we're divorcing lesbians...
not even divorcing, dissolving.

- Why make matters more complicated?
- Well what about me?

You and me will still have the
same arrangement we have now.

We'll spend equal time with
Jenny Rebecca, same with
Gus. That won't change.

You'll just have to trust me.

She said she and her lawyer talked it
over and decided it'd be best for me

not to be there when they meet
with Michael and his lawyer.

She says that the fact that we're not
together will only complicate the case

and give Michael more ammunition.

But I think I have as much right
to be therE As they do, even if
I'm not the biological parent.

Blue rooster?

The chicken chain?

They need a campaign for
their new 16 oz. sandwich.

How do you like,
"when you're hungry for a big cock..."

Yeah, they didn't like it either.

So what did Melanie say?

She said I should trust her.

And once everything was settled,
she'd share custody with me.

That we have a deal.

The way she had a deal with Michael.

I want to believe her. I do.

We tried to be fair where
the kids are concerned.

But I'm the one with the most to lose.

Then stop bitching and
moaning and do something.

Can always count on you for the cold,
hard truth.

Here,

Who's he?
- It's a lawyer friend of mine.

I'll give him a call first.

Stop worrying...

...about how much it's going to cost.

I guess I have no choice.

Guess not.

Oh, the queers are about to find out
what the breeders have done all along.

In a messy divorce...

nobody stays clean.

When I was in L.A. thinking I might
come back to Pittsburgh and paint,

I didn't imagine it would be like this.

- Tell you what, you can sign the wall.
- We really appreciate the extra hand.

Hey, some day when you and Brian
get a house, we'll return the favor.

- Don't run to the paint store.
- Oh, you never know...

- Hey, guess what I never did.
- Put rat traps in the attic?

Carried you over the threshold! That's
what married people do, right Justin?

I wouldn't know...

- Oh, why don't I carry you
over the threshold? - Oh
you want to try, big guy?

Jesus, Ben! - Come on baby,
let's make this official!

Put me down! - Here we go!

Hey, you guys playing little
rough house in your new house?

Hey, Sunshine! - Hey.

- I thought you boys - damn it, you men
- could use some lunch,

so I brought cheese steaks,
and one veggie hoagie for my son in law.

Oh, thanks Deb.

Wow... this place is
really shaping up, huh?

- You know what would look great on
this wall? - Another coat of paint?

My velvet cat painting.

Huh? From my living room.

I've been saving it for you, honey!

I'll take these to the kitchen.

What's up his ass?

- Why don't you find out?
- I'll leave that to you.

I sure like to know why
he's so fucking pissy.

So what do you say we...

You might try thanking
me for the sandwiches.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

And why haven't I heard
from you in a week?

I've been kind of busy.
- Don't open up a mouth.

I'm just asking.

You need to stock up.

- Why don't I go to the grocery
and... - Better yet, why don't you
gO Stock up Melanie's refrigerator.

Why the hell would I do that?

You told her you agreed with her.
You're on her side.

- My own mother. - What I said was,
I was not on anyone's side

so think of me like Switzerland.

What, a haven for nazi gold?
- Neutral.

All I care about is that kid.

So do I. That's why I want her in
a loving home with two parents.

Whis is that so hard to comprehend?

What's hard to comprehend is how angry
you've been at me all these years.

For being a single mom.
And here,

I always thought we made it
through just fine, you and me.

The two musketeers.

Apparently not.

Well, I'm sorry I couldn't
give you everything you wanted.

But I gave you everything I could.

You are the luckiest fuck in Pittsburgh.

- As if that was reason to barge into
my office. - I found you a buyer.

Hurray!

What am I selling?

Babylon.

Yeah, a consortium wants
to build a galleria,

and they're willing to buy out
your lease at a very good price.

Why, aren't you excited?

Relieved? Overjoyed? I mean,
in another couple of weeks,

you would have had to take
out loans against Kinnetic
to pay for that fakakta club.

Yeah, unless I turned it around.

Not even Rage could accomplish that
feat. Oh, and the beauty part is,

we'll write it off!
You can use it for a tax deduction.

Sounds like good,
practical advice.

Just... walk away,
leave it to the developers.

And after they finish turning Babylon
into the mall of America, then what?

Make Woody's into a Wall-Mart?

Torso into Target?

The diner into an home and garden?

I'm sorry, Theodore.

I'm sure there are millions of
faggots who'd like nothing more
than to walk the straight n arrow.

But I'd sooner die than see
Liberty Avenue homogenized.

And de-homoized.

Hi hon.
- Hi sweetheart, how was your day?

Well, if you care to take off
your coat and stick around for a
while, I'll tell you all about it.

I'd take off more than that,
but I'm late for my shift.

There's sausage and riggatoni
in the stove, be careful 'cause
the sausage is real garlicky.

I'll just have to put some
breath mints by the bed.

When will you be back?

Around one. - Perfect.

I'll be asleep around 12:59.

You know,
when we decided to live together,

I actually thought it'd
be at the same time.

You know it isn't always like this!

I don't want to come home
to sausage and riggatoni.

I want to come home to sausage,
and riggatoni, and you.

As soon as Betty's back from
her surgery, I wouldn't have
to do any more late shifts.

Why do you have to do any shifts?

What are you talking about?
- You kill yourself at the diner,
on your feet day and night. Why?

It's what I do!

It's what I've always done. - That
doesn't mean you have on doing it.

What would I do for money,
print it?

You'd arrest me.
- I have money.

Carl, I've never lived off anyone.

I've never asked for so much as a dime,
I don't intend to start now.

You're not asking.
I'm offering.

Sweetheart...

You've been looking after others
pracitally your whole life.

Don't you deserve a
little time for yourself?

For us?

Okay everyone, I want you to meet
Emmett Honeycut, our new queer guy.

I'm so excited to be here and meet
you all... hope I don't wet myself!

- Jake Anderson, news anchor.
- Oh my god,

you're even hotter in person, if
that's possible. Every gay boy's dream.

Mary Yamasushi, our co-anchor.

I love your hair! It's so much more
flattering than Lucy-red curls you had

during the Monica Lewinskey scandal.

Bud Lockwood, sports.
- Oh well,

between you and me, Bud, I
usually go for a pee when sports
are up. But it's a pleasure.

- And our weather man...
- Johnny Memphis! I swear by you.

When you said it was gonna rain
the day of gay pride, all those
silly queens laughed at me

for bringing an umbrella, but guess
who's hair and gown survived that
forty-mile an hour cold front,

blowing in from the north.

Well.

It's great to be, um,
part of the team.

You should've seen the
way they looked at me.

Like I was some alien from Uranus.

No matter what anyone says,
it's a relief to come back
to our home sweet home.

Yeah. I used to feel the same way
after a day at Wertschafter's.

Yeah, but you can pass for
straight. My flames always burned
too big and too bright for that.

Well, can you heat up my soup?

You know, whenever I've tried to play on
a team, I always ended up on the bench.

I don't want that to happen this time.

Fuck!

What's wrong, Deb?
- It's this goddamn sign.

I mean, my "help" is alright
but I don't have enough...

room here for "wanted", and I
haven't even gotten around to
"inquire within". - Here...

Let me.

Sure helps to have an
artist in the family.

Who's leaving? Betty?

Kiki?

Me.

You?

Why, is that so hard to believe?
- You can't leave the diner,
Debbie. You are the diner.

- Besides what would we do without
you? - Still complain your hash
browns aren't crisp enough.

Or you soup isn't hot enough.
Don't think I didn't hear that!

Keep printing.

There's no something wrong, is there?
- Hmm?

Oh...

hell no.

Just I have spent the last 25 years
listening to these boys complain about

not finding a man.

Well, I've finally found one.

Except I'm never home with him.
How dumb is that.

But what will you do?

There's always some bright new
challange, some shiny new adventure.

Like you,
you went off to fucking Hollywood.

I came back to fucking Pittsburgh.

What if you want to come back, but you
can't because someone took your place?

When I'm gone, I'm gone.

I'm donating my vest and my
t-shirt to the Smithsonian,

and it's so long Liberty Diner, and...

hello liberty.

Wow.

That's not a sign,
that's a work of art.

Not bad.

It's brilliant.

An arist can never have too
high an opinion of himself.

They were going to be part
of my final school project.

Still can.

It's too late.
- After Hollywood,

- It would feel like a prequel.
- And not a very good one.

I'm going to take my time,
look around.

Figure out what to do next.

I've got it.

How about a full time career at one of
Pittsburgh's top advertising agencies.

Thanks.

It's time I make my
own way in the world.

Just as well, since I hear the guy who
owns it is about to lose his shirt.

I'm sure he'll survive
like he always does.

Beautifully.

Going somewhere?

To the soon to be,
former Babylon.

Can't let the ship go
down without the captain.

This club Brett took me to in
L.A. really knew how to work it.

They'd be fags lined up around
the block, begging to get in.

It must've been a hell of a place.

Wasn't that different than here.

They just made it seem like it was.

- Sunshine, how did I ever get
along without you? - You didn't.

I was at the Maysonette for
12 years, then I did a 10
year stint at Charlie's...

Smokers.

And for the past 19 years,
I've been at Buddha's Garden,
a health food restaurant.

So why did you leave?
- Owner died.

I think he O.D.ed on tofu burgers.

Well.

You certainly do qualify, so, um...

I'll be in touch. - Thanks!

Oh by the way, is there a placE Around
here I could get some cigarettes?

- Yeah, at Liberty Liquor right
down the street. - Thanks.

Hey Deb, it's almost time.
- I'm coming!

Ready for the big premier?

...great weekend for sports. Jake?
- Thanks Bud, I know I'll be watching.

Well up next, a guy who's not
exactly an iron man, but...

hopefully he can score a
few points with our viewers.

Tonight we introduce the newest
member of the channel 5 news team,

offering life from a
different perspective.

Our very own, queer guy.

Thanks Jake!

I'm Emmett Honeycut.

Your queer guy.

Here to give you insights and tips
on how to make your life more fab...

better. - You didn't tell me he was the
queer guy for the 700 Club! - Shush!

So guys... I mean, men.

Say you're about to
lean in and kiss your...

girl.

You've brushed your teeth,
combed your hair,

even splashed on your aftershave.

But didn't you forget something?

That's right! We're talking
about those pesky nose hairs!

Nothing turns the ladies off more, than
a jungle coming out of your nostrils.

A handy pair of scissors
will do the trick.

Nose hairs?

That's his big opening number?

I mean, would West Side Story open
with the Sharks and Jets clipping away?

Would Fiddler open with
Tubia trimming on the roof?

- Would Phantom of the Opera open...
- I got it.

Excuse me?
- Yeah, have a seat hon.

I'll get your order in a minute.

I'd like to apply for the job.

In the window?

It says "inquire within".

So, I'm inquiring.

Within.

Well, in that case,

step into my office.

Next date,
don't forget to gargle,

don't forget to snip.

Back to you, Jake!

Thank you queer guy,
for that queer advice.

Up next,
are umbrellas in our future.

Johnny Memphis will be here
with the 5-day forcast.

My name is Loretta Pye,

with a "y".
- I'm Debbie, with an "ie".

So, Loretta,
you done much waitressing?

- Well, does waiting on my husband
count? - Depends on the tips.

Not too good.

Other than that,
I haven't had much experience. But...

but now I need a job.

Did your husband pass on?

Oh, um,

He's very much alive.

He threw me out.

He came home unexpectedly
from work and he caught me
kissing my friend Sherrylind.

We were making cinnamon buns, you know,
it was a one time thing, I mean,

she's married, she's got three kids,
it was spur of the moment.

I mean, we were licking the icing spoon,
and one lick led to another, and...

Shouldn't have told you all that.

He always said I talked too much.

You can say whatever the fuck you want.
Hell, you ought to hear me.

But, um,

listen, working here isn't easy.
You know, there's taking orders,
there's bouncing plates,

there's making sure the customers
keep their pants on. Literally.

I'm a real fast learner. All my
teachers at school used to say so.

- And I promise, I'll work hard.
- Maybe so, honey, it's just...

Okay look.

I know I don't have any qualifications.

It's just that I also
know I can't go home.

So if you could just give me a chance.

Freshen your cup?

Now it used to be the definitions
of a mother was simple.

It's the dear lady
who gave birth to you.

She wiped your nose,
she baked you brownies, and...

and once a year you send in a specially
touching Hallmark greeting to her,

thanking her for her endless sacrifices.

But these days it's more complicated.

Biological mothers,
surrogate mothers, lesbian mothers.

Soon you'd be sending a card to
yourself. "Thanks for cloning me".

I digress. Let's...

get back to your case.
- No, I'm not sure I have one.

I am. Otherwise I wouldn't be
wasting my time, or Brian's money.

In fact, I see a damn good one,
based on what you've told me.

You're not going to use what I told you?

Everything we've discussed here
is of course, confidential.

But I'd be a fool and a
lousy lawyer if I didn't.

You mustn't.

- I've said such aweful things
about both of them. - But
they're true, aren't they?

Well yes, but...
- Then how do you expect to prove

you're just as qualified to be
Jenny Rebecca's parent as they are?

Share in the custody?

But Melanie's my parnter...
- Was.

And Michael's a dear close friend
we've chosen to be the baby's father!

Only they've... betrayed you.

Now you can't trust them.

Which is why you've come to me.

Mr. Gabriel,

if I say these things,

the things you want me to say,

they'll never forgive me.

Never.

Well, it's a little late
to worry about that.

Besides, we're not here to make friends.

But to stoop that low...

That's why you got yourself a lawyer.

So you won't have to.

Did you see that? - What?

I'm getting cruised!
By everybody.

Did it ever occur to you they
just might be looking at me?

I would ask if I need
help crossing the street.

Would you cut it out?
You look great for your age.

I mean, for any age.

Oh, I guess they must've
recognized me from the news.

Unless one is in the media,
one doesn't realize the
impact television has on one.

One also doesn't realize how annoying
the use of the word "one" can be

when one keeps repeating it.

Alright, Mr. Grumpedpuss...

you'll feel better
once we get to Poppers.

You mean you will. Standing next to me
you'll look at least 10 years younger.

Hey!

Poppers is this way.
- And Babylon is this way.

But we don't want to go to Babylon.

I have stop by and give
Brian a body count.

Apt term for a morgue.

Alright, shouldn't take long. You'll
be able to count them on one hand.

What's going on?

Brian's probably giving
blowjobs to the customers.

Honestly, he has no shame.

You! Not you, not you, you...

Hey! Why can't I get in?
- Oh, let him in...

on Troll Tuesday.

Where did all these guys come from?

Seems like Babylon is once
again the place to be.

Not you, not you.

It's chilly out here.

Shall we go in? - Let's.

Excuse me?
Do you realize who I am?

I happen to be the channel 5 queer guy?

Which makes me a very
important homosexual person.

Each of us, in his own way,
is unique and beautiful and special.

But that didn't get them in either.

There's nobody here!

Here you go boys.

A hundred for you,
a hundred for you, a hundred for you.

And a hundred for you.

- You hired those guys?
- They seem to be drawing a nice crowd.

See, the concept is we
want people to come in.

Oh what's the rush?

In L.A. they'd stand in line all night.

This isn't L.A.! - Theodore...

permit me to explain something.

Fags are no different than people.

You tell them they can't have something,
and it's all they want.

And they won't give
up until they get it.

Now, shall we step outside and allow a
few more of the "beautiful people"...

in?

Two pink plate specials.

Enjoy it.

Me knees are shaking,
I'm a nervous wreck.

- You're doing fine.
- Where's our food?

We ordered it a year ago.
- Right up!

It's up now,
I'll be right back.

Oh God, which is which?
They all look the same.

You'd look like this too if
you had melted cheese over you.

The tuna melt. The chicken melt.
That's a veggie melt.

Tuna, chicken, veggie.

Thank you.

Veggie, chicken, and tuna,

enjoy. - Hey...

I don't want fries.
I'm watching my carbs.

Bring me some 'slaw.

I guess you'll be doing
extra crunches at the gym.

Because we don't substitute unless
there's a "please" with the request.

Enjoy!

Most of these boys are princes.
Once in a while you get a queen,

and when you do, you just got to
tell him where to stick he scepter.

- I don't know if I can do that.
- Waitress!

This is a diner, honey.

It's kill or be killed.

Waitress! Christ!

Do you mean to wait on me? I've
been sitting here for three
days, like the lemon bars.

Kill or be killed.

Well? You're going to stand there and
pose, or you're going to take my order?

That will be a milkshake,
and a bowl of chicken broth.

Why would I want that?

Because the next time you
snap your fingers at me,

the only way you're going to be able
to suck anything is through a straw!

By George,
she's fucking got it.

Yes!

Don?

Don, got a minute?

I've an idea for my next
segment I'd like to run by you.

Hey buddy!

Already starting to feel
like a member of the team.

Now then, I'd like to explore
a seldom spoken of condition,

that plagues over 40
percent of all straight men.

An enlarged prostate?
- Wearing brown shoes with black slacks.

A common fashion faux pas that,
humiliating as it may be,

- can be easily corrected.
- Humiliating, huh?

Why, except on some men.

Such as yourself...

who have the self
confidence to carry it off.

Look Emmett, I'm sorry.

But after tomorrow,
the queer guy is cancelled.

- You... cancelled? - Yeah.

- But I've only been on once!
- That was enough.

The audience didn't buy it,
and neither did management.

Look, we wanted a queer guy.
And frankly,

you're just not queer enough.

My client was under the impression
that Ms. Peterson had agreed

to work out a custody
agreement of their own,

after matters between Ms. Marcus
and Mr. Novotney were settled.

And why should me client trust Ms.
Marcus to consider her interests?

When she enlisted your
services without her knowledge.

And considering they're in the midst
of what we could label a divorce,

Mr. Peterson has every reason and
right to engage her own legal counsel.

Alright Tom. I think we can
accept the fact that you're here.

And have no intentions of leaving.

However I would like to point
out that your client has no
legal claims to this child.

- Since she's neither the
biological, nor the adoptive
mother. - Come on Bobby.

She lived with a common-law arrangement
with your client for ten years.

Had a committment ceremony.

She was the primary caregiver
of their first child.

She inseminated your client with
Mr. Novotney's sperm, supported
her through her pregnancy.

- Well, she was having an affair.
- It's a single sexual encounter.

I didn't realize just
one time doesn't count.

For which I've apologized ad nauseum.

I would also like to point out
that Ms. Marcus has engaged
in her own infidelities.

That was before we were married.

Excuse me, but what the
hell is an affair got to do
with being a good parent?

More to the point,

Ms. Marcus,
on more than one occasion,

has endangered the life
of her unborn child.

By refusing to listen to
her own doctor's orders.

Overworking to the point of exhaustion,
almost causing a miscarriage.

Is that what you said?

That's a goddamn exaggeration.

- Mel... - I was fine!
- You were not fine.

Which hardly qualifys you as a
better mother than Ms. Peterson,
biological or otherwise.

In fact, as biological
mother of their first child,

I'd say my client was more qualified
than either Ms. Marcus or Mr. Novotney.

Experience is not a
qualification for parenthood.

What first-time parent has experience?
You learn on the job.

The fact remains, that your client
has no claims, biological...

or legal. - What she has is a
moral claim. That's far more
than Mr. Novotney, who...

well, let's face it, is a...

sperm donor with an overinflated
sense of his own contribution.

Hey!
- As well as being morally unfit.

What are you implying?

He lives with two HIV positive men,
one of whom is a male prostitute.

Is that what told him?

He's a former prostitute who was abused!

By his mother!

Mr. Novotney also has a history
of recreational drug use.

Attending known gay
sexual establishments.

And he makes his living by writing
a violent, pornographic comic book.

I believe it would takE
A lot to convince a judge

that he has more rights to
this baby than Ms. Peterson.

Thanks a lot, Lindsey.

So, we have two choices.

We can either work out an
equitablE Agreement between
Jenny Rebecca's three parents,

or we could go to court and
let a judge resolve this.

It's your decision.

Lipo...

Lipo...

Butt lift...

Lipo and brow lift.

Hey, why don't you try doing
a little work instead of
counting who's had work done?

And the point of that would be...?

To keep your body,
mind and spirit healthy and in shape.

Of course,
I personally don't need it.

I only do this so guys
can check out my ass.

Well, check back with me when
you're thirty... five, and

the sun has begun to set
on your endless summer.

I mean, I've been coming to the gym,
three times a week for 18 years!

That's... let's see...

Twelve times a month,
times 18...

2,116 hours spent in the gym.

And look at me!
I'm exactly the same!

I take that back, actually there's
more of me instead of less of me.

And not where I want it to be.

So why not just have a little
snip and clip and be done with it?

I've been cancelled!

After today,
queer guy is gone.

And you know why?

Because they thought I
wasn't queer enough! Me!

I mean, I've been called many,
many things but never not queer enough.

It's not only unconscionable,

it's unfathomable.

I mean, well, you saw me. Was I not
the queerest thing on God's earth?

Actually, you seemed a little bit...
- Reserved.

Reserved.

You know,
just not your usual flamboyant self.

Well, I'm a news man now.

I had to lower the flame a bit.

I mean I figured if I was too
flamboyant, I might turn people off.

Well instead,
they turned you off.

I believe there's a profound
life lesson in this.

They hired you because they didn't
want some stiff straight guy

who looks like he has
a poker up his ass.

They wanted some gay guy who looked
like he had a fist up his ass.

They wanted you.
Emmett Honeycut.

The queerest, nellyest,

ho-ho-homo, in the
who-who-whole wide world.

You haven't touched your drink.

I didn't buy it to drink,
I bought it to stare into, dejectedly.

You're doing a hell of a job.

Half the job that
Lindsey's lawyer did on me.

Made me sound like some kind
of a depraved drug user.

Pornographer. Sex fiend!

Don't change a hair for me.

- Not if you care for me.
- Fuck off.

Nice to see you too.

Out, enjoying yourselves,

although, now that you've
settled into domestic bliss

I assumed you no longer frequented
such dubious establishments.

What's wrong with having
a drink with our friends?

Yeah, notice keyword "friends".

You hired that lawyer for Lindsey,
didn't you.

Nevermind. It's obvious,
how else could shE Afford him.
She can barely afford her apartment.

If Brian wants to pay for
Lindsey's lawyer, it's his
money and none of our business.

Well said, professor.
- The hell it's not!

You're my friend.
I thought my best friend. - I am!

- Then why are you helping her? - I
would've done the same thing for you.

What you can do for me
isstay the hell out of it.

Thanks to your unbiased
generosity, we're now splitting
Jenny Rebecca three ways.

These gays having kids... now I ask you,
what's the world coming to.

Lindsey's her parent too.

She has as much right to share custody,
as you and Mel.

You know, sometimes I swear,
it's like I don't even know
who the fuck he is anymore.

- Be sure to schedule those
queer guys for tomorrow. - Okay.

Okay, everybody!

Places, everyone!

And we're back from commercial
in five, four, three, two... one.

Hi! I'm Emmett Honeycut,
your queer guy.

And a certified member of the 4-F club.
That's fashion, food, furnishings and...

we'll save the last F for cable.

Now, for my final segment, I'm going
to show you how a little fairy dust

can transform even the
most hopeless of heteroes.

Oh dear!
Here's a sorry specimen.

And, you are? - Clem.

Clem!
Is that short for Clementine?

I didn't think so.

Now Clem, my discerning queer
guy eye tells me that you could
use some divine intervention.

Unfortunately, she's dead.

Don't worry,
queer guy can help.

Starting...

with the hair.

A little product, hmm....

Work it in, work it in,
work it off from the roots...

very cool.

Now, what's that with the
schmoda you're wearing?

Fortunately, I always
travel with a spare.

There you go... that's a helpful little
tip for all you hot, sweaty, men.

Not every one can carry off
cotton-candy pink. Yeah.

And one more thing.

The good Lord gave us two eyebrows,
for a reason.

To separate us from the apes.

Alright.

And...

There!

Welcome to civilization.

Well Clem, who knew you'd
turn out to be such a hottie?

I'm Emmett Honeycut,
and that's your queer guy minute.

And we're out!

Hi Mommy!

Hey, look who's here!

Okay Gus,
how about we get a nice apple?

Look what I made you?

Just what he needs. Sugar.

One is not going to kill him.

You can scrape them off the
ceiling at two in the morning.

When he's with you, you feed him
what you want. When he's with
me, I'll feed him what I want.

Unless you plan to tell your lawyer I'm
abusing him by feeding him a brownie.

- I was only looking out for my own
interests. - You can say that again.

Same as you.

I told you that I'd take care of it,
but that wasn't good enough.

You got what you wanted
by discrediting me.

And making it seem as if I'm
a lousy mother. - I didn't
start this custody battle.

But I'll be damned if was going
to lose Jenny Rebecca because
I didn't stand up for myself.

So when do you plan
to take our daughter?

The lawyers will set up a schedule.

Then we could fight over who gets
Tuesdays and who gets Thursdays.

You surprise me.

I had no idea you are such a killer.

I learned from the master.

Well, Pete,

that's it.

I just delivered my
last pink plate special.

We're going to miss you, Deb.

I'll walk out the front door,
they'll be so busy chowing
down they won't even notice.

Deb!
We got a disaster at table three.

Loretta honey, I'm sure that
whatever it is, you can handle it.

Nothing in boot camp
prepared me for this. Please!

Alright, I am coming.

I can't imagine what's so
fucking important that you...

For she's a jolly good homo,
for she's a jolly good homo!

For she's a jolly good homo...

which nobody can deny!

I don't know what to say...

except now I know why we don't
have a gay men's chorous.

But it's the sentiment that counts.

And in that department,
you are all stars.

You will always be in my heart.

Just like this place.

Always.

And you're in good
hands here with Loretta,

alright, she's aces, don't give
her any shit. She was trained by
me and she can give it right back.

Remember to order a vegtable once in
a while, it's not going to kill you.

And put a quarter, or a bill
there in the jar up front,
it's for the Vic Grassi house,

a cause that is near and dear to me.

Like all of you.

Thanks for everything, Deb.

Yeah Mom,
thanks for everything.

I'm surprised to see you here.

I've been coming here all my life.

I remember sitting in that booth,
right over there, every day
after school. It was my seat.

And you'd bring me...
- A butter crunch sundae.

Well, I did my homework.

And all the kids were so jealous.

And when my birthday rolled
around, you'd come to class with
cupcakes and milkshakes and...

serve all the kids in your uniform.

Some of your little
classmates even gave me tips.

Well I thought I was pretty lucky.

I was pretty lucky.

You didn't feel that way the other day.

I know how hard it was for you,

raising me alone.

And you did more than
make the best of it.

You were the best.

You're such a silly boy.

To Babylon.

Still here, and still queer.

Even though it would've
madE A hell of a Starbucks.

I'll have a tall vodka latte, please.

Okay, let them in!

As if there's anyone to let in...

Holy shit,
would you look how long that line is?

It's long, but is it real?

As the immortal Jeff Stryker once said,
you bet your ass it is.

- Do you believe you got in? - Who
cares its twice as much as Poppers?

Hey, you got in!

Wasn't easy,
I had to bribe the doorman twenty bucks.

Oh my gosh, the queer guy!
I saw you on TV.

You're fabulous.

Well, one has the eye.

May I have a dance with the queer guy?

You could use some tips
on how to shake your tush.

Well I guarantee you'll never
find anything like this...

at Pottery Barn.

And I'll refrain from mentioning
you will not see bananas
like this at Banana Republic.

So... you up for a little celebrating?