Original subtitles

OK, darling, bye.

When we have such a great script, Claude,

we gotta go for it. You have first offer.

What's the story?

Well, I lost my car keys...

- Then what? - He looks for them during the film.

He looks for his car keys?

With his buddy. When you search...

things happen to you: Adventures, action...

Yes.

Like it? Want more story?

You produced Life is a Long Calm River.

Sorry, that title doesn't do the film justice.

Whereas Car Keys...

- How much does your film cost? - In euros?

- No, francs. - 23 million francs.

23?

That's a lot. 23!

Yes, but getting the keys back is what matters.

It certainly does at that price.

At the end of the film I go: "What was he trying to say?"

And I feel a lump in my left pocket...

- The keys are in his left pocket? - Yes.

He only looked in one pocket?

Yes. He never puts his keys in his left pocket.

I see...

- Powerful stuff, huh? - Very powerful!

So what's the story?

It takes him 90 minutes to find his car keys?

Yes. It's an adventure, a quest, rites of passage, an allegory.

An allegory?

It's an image. The Knights of the Round Table looked for the Grail,

it was a kind of tankard.

Jason looked for the Golden Fleece, it was an old goat skin.

A goat skin?

The object is just a pretext for adventures.

Like I'm looking for money.

- 23? - 23.

23.

- It's zappy. - Yes, it's been thought through.

- It's a zappy read. - Zappy.

I thought of calling it Zappy.

- But I couldn't, it's Car Keys. - Car Keys.

- Or we lose the story. - For sure.

What's the story?

Don't go away.

Use my phone, make yourself at home.

Feel free.

We can't be disturbed.

We're cutting a major deal. Call me back.

- He's onto something big. - Tell him to piss off.

America, Dreamworks, fuck 'em. This is real.

- You didn't pass me Spielberg? - He just said...

He said Dreamworks, Dreamworks is Spielberg.

That's a rough outline, if you want details we can...

No, no details.

Who's playing the other part?

When the agents heard about my film,

the hottest in town, they went crazy.

- Who did? - Artmedia, all the agents.

- They read it? - They wet themselves.

After reading it?

Massive commercial potential.

You don't realise it's gonna be mega. Did you see Asterix?

What's the story?

Car Keys....

We'll see.

There, sorted.

I'll leave it?

Yes, but I'll read it when you have a cast.

23 million.

I can't see that trash happening.

Dream on!

Stop stalking me!

I don't want to do your film, it's crap.

Back off, I said no.

- Have you read it? - No, but you're a pain in the butt.

No, no, really.

- Another time. - But I wrote it for you!

You mean I'm like that character?

- It's you. - Drop it.

No.

- But I wrote the part for you. - Yes, but... no.

Laurent, I haven't had time to talk to you...

I didn't like the part.

You highjack me for 90 minutes because you lost your car keys.

I don't give a shit.

I'm not interested in looking for your car keys.

I've never been offered such a crap part.

You're a moron. You wrote that with your feet!

Piss off, ask Dieudo.

Piss off, ask Elie.

He loses his keys and then...

- I lose my keys. - OK, you lose your keys...

I'm not interested. Car Keys. It's a bit flimsy.

I respect what you do on TV, it cracks me up,

you do it very well, but a film is different.

It's Carn�, Renoir, the Fr�res Lumi�re,

it's La Ciotat, the train pulling into the station.

It's about the history of humanity.

Not some little asshole who I respect...

"No, not TV, I want to do films."

You're going to get fucked, metaphorically speaking.

No hard feelings.

- No? - No.

That's my beer.

- That's my beer. - We're one big happy family.

It's a piece of shit.

The nerve of the guy. Shit! Buy some talent.

And shut the door.

Fuck!

No!

How can I put it? No!

I don't want to be in it.

It's not that I don't want to, I can't!

I don't want to.

Maybe you can sell it to the States.

- Not a chance. Sorry. - You mean no?

I'm not even turning round, see.

Good luck when you open!

I've said 20 times I won't do it.

Are you deaf? No, I won't do your film.

I've worked with the greatest, I can't work with the lowest.

- Can I have my script back? - Sure.

Sorry, it slipped.

It's not for me.

It's not for you either.

- Like my script? - It sucks. Please stop.

I've had enough of you and your script.

Please stop. Thank you anyway.

Get off my back!

I hate the part, the film, the title, the story

and I don't like you much either.

Never. You don't go from Resnais to Baffie, no way.

I'm performing. I don't want to do your film, I'm performing.

You know the saying? "The kiss of death".

He wants me in his film.

Not a chance.

Sorry, I can't do it.

Or if I do, only a voice-over.

A dog's voice-over.

Wait, wait!

I will if it's a plasticine dog.

- Found an actor? - I'm counting on you.

Better start looking.

Fucking unbelievable!

Car Keys. 23, take 1!

JAWS

CAR KEYS

Written and directed by

Coming!

- Open the door! - Who's there?

- Who is it? - Me!

I know lots of me's.

It's ME!

You should have said!

You take forever.

Your loft is hard to find.

- Like it? - Fantastic!

Still watching wild life docs?

- No, it's CCTV for the WC. - Nutter!

A Pastunag ray. Same family as the angel fish, the shark...

I can't tell the ass from the ox in the Christmas crib.

I don't give a shit about your fish stories.

- They're interesting. - Still into zoology?

It's taking over your life! Invading your space!

Animals everywhere! Look!

- 2 goldfish. - No kidding!

And that!

- What's that? - It's tidied away. It's sorted.

You're kidding!

- And this? - Youngsters.

Look, they're everywhere!

Jacqueline, back to your room!

What's over there?

My caiman!

Great apartment.

- What's the rent? - 5000.

5000? Cool!

5000 euros.

- Daylight robbery. - Check this out.

What?

- A door onto the sea. - Don't take the piss!

I swear. Look! Come on!

What a load of crap.

Ready?

How about that?

Holy shit! Great!

We picnic here with the kids on weekends.

- Wicked, huh? - Awesome!

Beautiful.

- Come on, Daniel. - It's great!

- Overpriced? - Worth every penny.

Fancy a door onto the sea in your home?

It's my dream.

Onto the sea?

Paris with the sea: Perfect!

No, I like the sea but not a door directly onto it.

I don't need it.

In a detached house, OK,

but an apartment has stairs to go up to it,

the 1st, 2nd or 3rd floor,

a door up there can't open onto the sea.

Absolutely, but...

Antoine, come back!

He's too old to run away.

Antoine, come back!

Yes, I'd like one,

but I don't want the sea coming indoors.

- Where do I take a leak? - On the left.

- I'm sorry... That's for cats. - So what?

- It's disgusting. - Field mouse p�t�, delicious.

A Tibetan proverb says: "To think like a cat, eat like a cat."

Holy shit!

Talk about style!

Nouveau riche!

Dead flashy!

What a loo!

- Found it? - Yeah!

Megalomaniac!

Not even a crab.

He could afford three prawns.

I can hear you, Daniel!

- Let's move. - Right.

- Lost something? - My car keys.

Shit!

- Stop yelling and help me. - Where did you put them?

If I knew that, we'd be out of here!

I always keep them in this pocket.

OK, calm down.

Your keys? When did you last see them?

I went down to move my car this morning.

Your car? Did you move it before or after breakfast?

Before.

- That's bad. - Why?

You have your head up your ass before breakfast, you can screw up.

No car keys here, that's for sure.

Hello. Have you seen my car keys?

No, sir.

- But you see your tips? - It's not my fault.

Avaricious cow! She steams open my mail.

- Have you seen my car keys? - No.

- Anyone seen my car keys? - No, sorry.

- Hello! - Did I leave my keys here?

I haven't seen them.

- Pascal, seen my car keys? - Sorry, I'm busy in the cellar.

- Looked in the loo? - Good thinking.

- Did you go to the beach earlier? - Yes.

- Well? - No!

- Any luck? - No. And you?

Nothing!

- What now? - Retrace our steps back home.

Come on!

Put it on my tab.

Babe! Clear up.

- Lost your car keys? - Found them?

- Yeah! - Great! Here's 2 euros.

He thinks we're dumb.

If you want your keys back you gotta open your piggy bank.

Is that it?

We want a ride on the merry-go-round.

- Where are you going? - The Swing Boats.

Look, Daniel!

The kids! They've run off!

The keys!

- Shit! - Sorry.

- We'll help. Where are you going? - Home.

- Some coffee? - Lovely.

You have a piano? Do you play?

No, not here in the library.

I would if it was in my bedroom.

- Where is your bedroom? - Upstairs.

- Lift it up. - I am!

I'm stuck. Hold on!

Lift it!

Why can't she play the flute? Fucking bitch!

Are you mad? He's just kidding!

I'm falling backwards...

Your garden is amazing.

The gardeners have let me down.

Bitch!

Rub, Daniel!

- What now? - Carpentry, and you?

Tiling, then I must check the septic tank.

She's pushing it. Let's quit.

She did give us a coffee.

Rub! I did 3 more windows than you.

- Who cleaned the stables? - Who stocked the pond?

- Who repaired the roof? - Who emptied the rabbit traps?

- Delicious wine. - My own vineyard.

Really?

I grow wine in the South, my overseer just phoned,

he needs workers.

He does? Maybe we can...

Wonderful!

See where being nice lands us?

One favour, then another... What's going on?

He's looking!

Move it!

Get to work! Move your asses!

This isn't the Club Med!

Lazy buggers!

I warn you. Next time I won't aim at your thigh. Get cracking!

- He's sick! - Daniel.

If a helicopter swoops down over us

we'll grab it and get out of this nightmare, OK?

A helicopter? Are you stoned?

Trust me.

- Your bucket! - Got it.

Put it down.

Ready? Go!

- Look out! - He'll miss us!

How did you do that?

I wrote this film so we do what I want.

- Are we in a film? - Yes, Daniel.

You've written everything we say and do?

- I'm hallucinating! - Why?

You're making a film

about two blokes looking for their car keys for 90 minutes.

You won't be taking that trash to the Cannes Film Festival.

You never like anything.

I knew that door onto the sea was impossible.

- What's the title? - Car Keys.

It had to be. I'm stupid.

I'm in a mega-flop, looking for car keys.

The car keys don't matter.

They don't matter? So why are we looking for them?

It's an inner journey, seeking true identity.

Rites of passage.

An allegory, if you like.

An allegory?! You're boring when you're stoned!

- I'm not stoned! - So when do we land?

After the scene with the bee.

- We get stung by a bee? - Not us.

The pilot.

Hang on!

Fucking idiot! Tell him no bumps!

What the fuck's he doing?

Would you go to see a film called Car Keys?

Car Keys?

You're joking!

- It depends. Who's in it? - Me.

- Who directed it? - Me.

The subject's not much but it could be.

I doubt it can hold an audience for 2 hours.

Yes, why not? I've just seen a film.

- Dubitchous? - No, thanks.

- Can it stand up for 90 minutes? - Yes, I think so.

"Car" is a familiar, popular word.

Why not say "vehicle"?

The definitive article is preferable,

which gives us: "The car keys".

Thanks for the bee.

That's why the camera's there. I found it bizarre.

We must do it again, you looked at the camera!

We can't do crap like that 15 times over!

- Never look at the camera! - Why, will it break?

Actors never look at the camera. Stop pissing about!

Chill out, OK.

- You're heavy. - Alright.

Damn heavy. A pain in the butt.

- What did you do? - Nothing.

- Where's Paris? - Through that door.

- Neat! - It's practical.

Why didn't you write a thriller with guns and broads?

It's been done before.

- Car Keys hasn't. - Ever ask yourself why?

No one had the idea.

It sucks. A pathetic script.

You can't say that now. We've only just begun!

It's obvious: We look for the keys, at the end we find them.

- Right. - Great script!

- Got a better idea? - We could change the story.

Now? It took years to write.

You can't change it on the set!

How long did writing your allegory take?

- 3 years. - 3 years?

Yes.

- 3 years to write crap like that? - Yes!

Back off! It's over. Stop.

- Stop what? - The film, the allegory, the crap!

It's over. Let's go.

- Happy? - It's to save you from the critics.

It's sorted now.

I said cut! Are you deaf?

- A wrap for the day? - No, for good.

- He stopped the film? - I won't get dole.

We've been spared a fuck-up.

You look terrible. What's wrong? Your keys?

- Two halves. - The same for me.

"Cast down", in 9 letters.

"Depressed".

- I feel like shit. - Why?

- I don't know. - Here's why:

We've stopped looking for the keys.

- Think so? - Sure. Life was exciting then.

Now we're propping up the bar like 2 winos.

We could make the film?

- Right, but you said it was crap. - No.

Your story's not bad.

- Do you mean it? - Sure.

It seems dumb but we do get some action.

- We'll go on with the film? - Yes.

Really?

- I can't take this. - Good!

Back to work, kids! Kill that crap music!

Bring on the extras, set up the camera!

Action!

Car Keys. 23C, take 1.

Promise me it's going to be good.

Don't worry, there are tricks to make a film successful.

Such as?

I'll show you. Look.

Chalk!

What do you need to make a good film?

Action.

Suspense, adventure.

Humour.

You have a problem with that, Daniel.

A beautiful love story.

Right.

Good dialogue.

- Children. - Yes, children.

Animals, beautiful music.

A message, that's vital.

And most of all, a happy end.

There!

- Is that the lot? - Yes.

And naked girls!

- Talented actors. - Right.

- Special effects! - Yes!

- Good gags. - Absolutely.

A running gag.

Excellent, Marcel!

- I've got one! - Who?

- My cousin. - Is he a running gag?

Forget it.

- Animals. - Excellent!

- Said it. - Zoology is a must.

Don't start that again! Films never feature zoology!

How about Gorillas in the Mist? Microcosmos? Winged Migration?

Is this an animal film?

No, it's still Car Keys,

but when it's appropriate

I'll inject zoology.

- Discreetly. - Don't worry.

- Naked girls! - Said it!

- Naked guys. - No!

- Naked children. - Get out!

- Old people. - That's smart.

- A running gag. - You said it.

- Beautiful feelings. - Beautiful feelings.

- Movie references. - Good!

- Disabled people. - Definitely.

- A peach melba! - Hopeless!

Low cut dresses.

- My running gag. - No, Marcel.

What are you doing?

We're not going to use the plural for your performance.

I've had an idea.

- We haven't had the love story. - Later.

Whose story will it be?

- You'll see. - Tell me.

If you know, you'll act badly.

- I can't tell you what happens. - Go on, please!

You're a drag. I wanted to surprise you.

- Is it me? - Yes.

Thank you! Is the bird hot?

Don't be crude.

- Is she beautiful? - Gorgeous.

Curvy, the style that turns you on.

- Hold it. - Something wrong?

- What's the catch? - Catch?

You wrote it, if there's a sexy babe to fuck...

- Daniel! - I mean a beautiful girl to seduce,

and you let me have her,

there may be a catch.

Maybe she has a fungus, a gag like that.

You think that's funny?

It's OK, we agree.

See that, Daniel.

A white-backed vulture. Gibs Africanus.

The female lays 2 eggs a year. The male lives 50 years.

- A fine bird! - Discreetly with the zoology.

- Is it too much? - A vulture in Paris? No!

We're in front of your house, looking for the keys again?

- Back to the beginning? - Yes.

- My love story will be soon? - Stop it.

- You're slowing down the action. - But it's time!

Doesn't she have a watch?

You can't hurry a love scene.

You can't start in bed right away. Or Summer '42 would've lasted 5 mns.

A great film. Summer '42.

By that you mean our film is crap?

You're paranoid!

- From an expert, that touches me! - You think you're an author!

- Get stuffed. - Nice line.

- Fuck off, moron! - Brilliant dialogue!

- Why did I hire a loser like you? - Say it again!

Everyone in the business knows you're a has-been.

Don't push me, jerk, I don't need this crap,

an actor of my calibre.

Stuff your calibre up your ass!

- Where's Rue Picpus? - Piss off, bitch!

- Not now! - The guy's mental!

Nice start, Daniel!

- My love story? - No, my mum!

Shit!

Hey, Miss...

Sort that one out, I'm watching. A way with girls, huh?

- I'm sorry, I was arguing. - I don't give a damn.

We'll have a fantastic relationship...

I can't explain but it will be mega...

Stop! Please!

Listen to me!

It's gonna be mega between us...

Look!

I'm doing it!

I'm walking on my hands.

There.

Please, please...

A coffee. Only a minute.

Please. I beg you.

Well?

- I'm Daniel. And you? - Lucie.

Lucie? What a pretty name.

What do you do?

- I work in a fishmonger's. - A fishmonger's?

Great! You must know all about fish.

- Quite a lot. - What's your favourite?

- I have lots. - Go on, tell me!

- No, you'll laugh at me. - No, tell me!

I like scorpion fish, hake, herring,

monkfish tail, whelks...

Sorry, whelks aren't fish!

I love you, Lucie.

I love you too, Daniel.

Cut it out, you're a pain!

Your dialogue is lousy enough without your karaoke.

- One last drink at my place? - You're right, let's make love.

Cut!

Fuck!

Are you staying here?

Why? Am I disturbing you?

We'd like some privacy.

- I'm handling the music. - Don't bother, we have a radio.

Cool, no problem.

I'll be off then.

- Catch you later. - Yeah.

- See you in the bistro? - Yes.

Here he is.

Look at him.

Bet he got his rocks off!

He deserves it. He's a good guy at heart.

Flashing it around?

- Well? - You bastard!

- What? - Bullshitter!

Why the insult?

- A coffee? - Piss off, dickhead!

OK!

You did it on purpose.

- No, I swear. What's up? - I didn't fuck her!

- What? - Absolutely not.

We strip off, get into bed, three kisses,

next scene I'm in this bistro with you! How come?

It's a time lapse.

What's that?

A movie device, a jump in time.

We know you'll make love so we skip it to avoid being crude.

Common film practice.

No it's not.

- When I rent a tape, I see it all. - That's different.

We can't show you fucking. We'll get an X rating.

- Not a sex fiend like you. - You're the director.

You can cheat your frames and not shoot close-ups.

It's in the can. The audience think you screwed her.

OK. But I know I didn't shoot it or fuck Lucie!

- You fuck her in the story! - Fuck the story!

I want to get my rocks off!

Stop fucking about. We must get back to the key story.

No way, not without a flashback!

A flashback? What for?

- So I can fuck Lucie. - You're obsessed.

Dead right I am!

The only flashback is for me. Sorry.

I warn you, if I don't fuck Lucie I'll get sick

and you'll have to look for your keys alone. I'm off.

- You're paying peanuts. - You're not De Niro!

Sorry, mate.

Playing opposite a genius like you is a tough challenge.

You mean I'm lousy?

Not lousy, but you're not...

- Right? - No, he's not...

OK, have your flashback and screw her.

I'm marrying Lucie.

Oh yeah?

- Already? - We're in love.

She won't be in love at the end of the film.

Our love will outlive your crap film.

- 2 halves. - The same!

When's the flashback?

When it goes blurred. Drink up.

She's gonna love your belly.

It's open!

- What are you doing? - Listen,

you've messed me up.

- You had your sex scene. Happy? - No.

Have fun. You have 5 minutes.

Don't overdo it.

- Is your cold better? - No.

Don't stare, it inhibits me.

So does the crew. Too many people!

Closed set for our star!

Any unnecessary crew: Out!

Better?

Beat it!

Kill the lights!

I'm coming!

- Can I turn on the lights? - Yes.

Let's go.

Let me say goodbye to her.

After an orgasm like that you can't sneak off.

Message received.

I gave you my flashback for your rabbit act.

What rabbit act?

You can spin it out.

Consult a sexologist, it's mental.

He'll sort it in 3 sessions.

Who is that guy?

- Who? - The guy on the bike.

Dunno.

Didn't he go by earlier in an orange jacket?

Dunno.

- Wasn't he outside the bistro too? - Could be.

And he was at the funfair?

- Maybe. - It's him?

Who is he?

- My cousin. I'll explain. - Your cousin?

He lost his wife and his job. I hired him as an extra.

To cheer him up.

He's appeared 5 times in the film!

An extra only appears once. It will ruin the story.

As there is no story...

If he's in my film again

I'll fire you both!

- Get it? - Got it.

Get out! You're a load of trouble!

- I'm a family man. - The family stays home.

Do you see my family in the film? No!

- What now? - Let's find a nursery school.

- Why? - "From the mouths of infants".

They may give us a lead for the keys.

Fucking script!

There's the teacher. Keep her busy, I'll see the kids.

Hello!

Inspector Croutet, hello.

- What's going on? - Can I visit the canteen?

But the children?

Don't worry, leave them to my deputy.

- Look after the kids. - Hi, kids.

I have a little problem.

I lost my car keys.

I always keep them in my right pocket.

They fell out!

- You think that's possible? - Yes.

- I'd have heard them fall. - Or they were stolen.

Who by?

A thief.

Where should I look?

I don't know.

Look everywhere! OK?

In the houses and the cupboards.

I don't understand!

I don't like being sent up!

Who can help me look?

- Get a dog. - A dog?

Will a dog help me find them?

What colour dog?

Black and white.

Get yourself a dog.

- Hello. - A dog, please.

What sort of dog? Big, small? A mongrel?

A pedigree, long-haired, short-haired, a dribbler?

A searcher.

To search what? The ball, the bone, the newspaper?

Slippers?

Keys.

Car keys.

What sort of car? Nationality?

Saloon, convertible? Petrol, diesel?

Normal.

You need Bingo.

Him?

- He's trained to search for... - Car keys.

What you asked for.

- How much is he? - Bingo costs 10800 euros.

- A fortune. - Try finding cheaper.

How do I know he was trained

to find car keys?

Cover your eyes.

Cover your eyes!

Put your paws over your eyes. Paws over eyes!

Cover your eyes, Bingo!

He'll do it.

Cover eyes!

The dog never obeyed. A sordid question of overtime.

Please assume he did it so we can move on.

Alright?

Bingo, you can look now!

Watch this.

Find the car keys!

Not there.

Look for the car keys.

You're a blue dog.

Search!

Where are they?

Good boy!

Very good!

See? Not exactly a piece of shit, huh?

- Who to? - Doggy Dogs.

Can you hold it till the end of the month?

Sure. No problem.

- There you go! - Thanks.

- Bye! - Have a nice day!

Bingo! Come here!

- Put that in the bank now. - Yes, sir.

Pronto.

Daniel, meet Bingo.

What is this dog?

An expert.

He'll find the keys fast.

He'll steal all our scenes.

- Scared of a dog? - I don't care, I'm an actor.

But you don't come across well, you'll disappear next to him.

You're a mutt.

See, he agrees.

Let's try.

Find the keys!

Bring us the keys!

He's good, huh?

Look at him.

- What's he doing? - I don't know.

Shit!

Whose dog is it?

- Why did he hit me? - He's there.

- Ask him. - Fuck off!

You knew he'd whop me!

You weren't really hit. There was a time lapse.

We cut to the gutter and that's make-up. So piss off!

But I'd have suffered if he had.

Shit!

- Is it broken? - You have a bogey.

- Whose dog is it? - Mine. Why?

Leave it.

He's mine. Got a problem with that?

Did he damage your green jacket?

Buy it from Village People?

- You're rash. - Wanna fight?

Cool it.

Go on, hit me!

Scared? Lost your balls?

We'll cut, then pick me up in the gutter.

Painless!

Dickhead!

Asshole!

It's a sequence shot!

- You could have told me. - I tried to.

Let's see. Fuck!

- A bogey? - No, it's broken.

There. Like it?

- I look terrible. - Like a fighter.

It will ruin my close-ups.

You're such a ham.

- How long do I wear it? - Till the boat.

- A boat? Where to? - Wait and see.

- Who's that? - Special effects. Let them in.

What have you thought up now?

"My close-ups". He thinks he's Adjani. Dickhead!

Hi there!

What is this shit?

- It's you. - I can see that, but why?

It's for the kids.

- The kids? - In movies today

you must have doubles, to hook the kids.

- And to hook the oldies? - Later, on the boat.

The damn boat where I take off my bandage?

Exactly.

That bandage is ugly.

- He scared me. - What happens when you shave?

- When you see your reflection? - I'm prepared.

Middle-aged spread!

- Cut it out or I'll destroy you. - You can't hit yourself.

Can't I? Take that on my nose!

Know how much that costs?

It's CGI. Costs a bomb!

- You OK? - Fine.

Broken? Or do I have a bogey?

Let's see. A bit of both.

There.

Sure is ugly!

Pitbull, huh?

Let me guess. A third me or a second you.

- Hello. - Fucking script!

Beating up my double is unforgivable.

A time wrap!

- No. - A time loop?

That your dog?

Count yourself lucky.

- Think so? - We didn't call the pound.

Call the fucking pound!

- Daniel. - Daniel's had it.

Move along.

You promised your film would be good, we just get into fights

over your crap dog.

I'll be straight: It's him or me.

It's him.

I'm kidding! I can't end the film with a dog. Come on!

- Where to? - The shop, to return him.

We didn't use him much.

Sorry, sir. We don't take goods back.

We can negotiate the price.

If I take him back, 1000 euros for him, no more.

1000 euros?

I paid 10800 an hour ago. Guess how many key rings he found?

23.

These dogs aren't in great demand.

So when we sell one, it's expensive.

- Just my luck. - It's normal.

Look at Sheila.

Trained to find disk collectors.

2 years training! The best!

Still here, we can't sell her.

If I can't sell her soon, I'll have to put her down.

I'm kidding. We'll slash the price. But it hurts like fuck.

Look, Ars�ne was trained to sniff out twats. Barks twice at a twat.

- What? - Make it 1500?

No. 1000.

Thank you.

Bye, Bingo.

"Bye, Bingo"? You meant: "Sit, Bingo".

You didn't mean: "Bye, Bingo".

You're a great dog but the film comes first.

The film?

Is it more important than me?

No, but I started a job and I must finish it.

- Do you mind? - What will happen to me?

Where am I going to go? Not the RSPCA?

Do you want them to put me down? You mongrel.

Your film isn't even a film! The putty's lousy!

You look like a bad copy of Zidane!

You think I look like Zidane?

A 4th division Zidane.

Who never scores and hates being bald.

- Never lose your coat? - My coat, maybe. Not my friends.

Goodbye, dear dog.

Yeah, sure.

Beat it, Orson Welles.

You're crying?

No. Conjunctivitis.

Are you moved by a dog in tears?

- Deeply. - Yes, very.

Real tears?

A dog crying?

It all depends.

It depends why.

Of course I'd be moved.

- A plasticine dog? - Not so moved.

No, because it's not...

It's not so alive...

It's superficial.

Plants, dogs and humans move me in descending order,

not plasticine.

- Are you... - I know you, you're...

Sorry, I'm against you.

- Why? - Ghastly!

- Why? - Ghastly!

When do we eat in this film?

At the end, we're half way.

That's 45 minutes for audiences but 6 weeks for us!

I'll never make it. I gotta eat!

- Shall we go back to my street? - Yes, with Aunt Josette.

- Who? - And 4 packets of crisps.

- What for? - Are you Mac or PC?

- Why do you ask that? - Because I shit dialogue.

When I'm hungry I shit dialogue.

You're a pain in the ass.

- You win, we'll eat but for 2 mns. - OK, but I choose the restaurant.

OK. Ballsbreaker.

I want to eat here.

The production manager will love it!

No keys, just a wire.

Where's my credit card?

- Hello. - Can we have lunch?

Sorry, we're full.

I'll handle this. Hi, Lolo!

- Working here? - Filling in.

Here?

- What'd you like? - Lunch. We have 2 mns.

- Did you book? - No.

I can fix you up, but not like that.

Hands off!

- The menu. - No, you choose.

- Gastronomic? - No, something quick.

- May I? - How about this?

An excellent choice, sir.

Lightly seared langoustine tails.

- Duck foie gras with truffles. - Scallops in mussel sauce.

Oxtails with truffles.

- Your wine. - '64.

- Matured cheese. - Bitter chocolate profiterolles.

Grand Marnier souffl�.

Arabica coffee.

Coffee already?

Armagnac 1923.

23!

- Don't we eat? - Yes, for 2 mns!

Enjoy your meal.

I was starving.

- Great foie gras. - And the wine!

Enjoying it?

- What are you doing? - Having coffee. I'm stuffed.

- Can't finish your meal? - No.

- May I? - Go ahead!

It's on me.

- Really? - I'm kidding.

- Is it OK? - Fine.

The film better do well.

- I've got indigestion. - You made a pig of yourself.

- I think I'll vomit! - No, you won't.

We've eaten, now for the keys.

- I tell you I'm going to vomit! - No, you're not!

We're in a comedy, vomiting isn't funny. It's crude.

Then find a gag fast.

What sort of gag?

You're the author! Deal with it.

- Can't you keep it down? - No! I've reached the limit.

Hurry up!

Great gag!

Sorry, I adapt.

We need a new development,

otherwise people will get bored.

They're already bored!

- Want some? - No, thanks.

That foie gras was good.

The Armagnac wasn't '23. A rip off.

Improve your film, see you in Marineland.

OK. Come on! Hurry!

Pedal-boat! Faster!

- We're off to Marineland! - Fucking script!

Pedal. It's miles away.

I was expecting you.

I'll go fast. I saw your scene with the dog.

A disaster. It's obviously plasticine.

Reshoot it, and get it right!

I'll tell you something: After pets, dogs, cats etc,

the animal with the most appeal for kids

is indisputably the dolphin.

I don't mean

just any stuff.

I mean swimming with a dolphin.

The ultimate kids' fantasy. Hang on to his nose and we're off.

Swimming to dolphin paradise.

Swept away. Fab!

Other animals have a lot of appeal for kids too.

Like elephants.

But you gotta hang on to swim with them.

Grab an elephant's ear.

Not now, please.

A kid can't reach both ears, only one or the other.

So swimming with elephants is out.

It doesn't work.

Pandas appeal to kids.

Problem is: Pandas can't swim. They sink

and never come up.

Tigers are good. Lots of appeal.

Problem is: The scene will last 3 seconds.

Then the tiger will eat you and swim alone,

you won't be in the shot any more. There's also...

the zebra: Is your film black and white or in colour?

- Colour. - Zebras suit black and white films.

There's the giraffe...

What's your format?

Scope.

You can't frame the head.

You won't see the feet or the head, that's no good.

Then there's the tape worm.

A good swimmer but very low appeal.

Zero zero zero zero point 4122.

When you compare, the dolphin comes top. 6807...

If you really want

to hook the kids,

get them living the film...

Don't move.

Is that the idea?

Just a minute.

Yes? Not now!

The dolphin is the one to go for.

It's dead simple, here's a wet suit.

Put it on and go out of the window.

Swim with dolphins and get some great shots.

Go with him, fatso, I have things to do.

Hurry up!

Off you go!

He's a bore.

But he's right, we need great shots.

- I'll jump in. - No! Dive.

- Do I? - Concentrate.

A magnificent French dive!

Let's replay it!

Beautiful penetration, the judges love it.

The marks are excellent.

Honestly, was it any good?

- A nice show? - Fab.

- With emotion? - Yes.

Really! Great!

- You went for it? - Superb!

What does he want?

You're taking the piss?

Beat it!

Go to your room!

- Let's move. - Come on!

Shit! It's a fucking pain not knowing where we're going!

Who's he?

Constantin, the production manager.

- We're filming. - What's up?

Big problem.

We need 500000 euros to finish the film.

- How come? - How come?

It's your first film, you have no experience,

you get stoned every night,

you have new ideas every morning.

That costs a lot.

Lean on the bank.

You're mortgaged to the hilt.

Your house, your salary.

Sort this out, give me 2 days.

Alright?

You have 2 minutes.

- What will you do? - I don't know.

Shouldn't we stop the film?

We've started it, we'll see it through.

We could find the keys now,

the credits roll, the end.

It wouldn't make sense, no structure.

Sure, finding the keys at the end

makes the film a masterpiece! Of course, I'm an idiot!

Couldn't your mother...

Forget her. She has a savings account, 400 euros.

- Drive! - It's a blue screen.

I won't get an Oscar for signalling.

Drive anyway.

In Papillon, where does Dustin Hoffman hide the money?

- Got any savings? - Forget it, like your mother.

Got it!

- A loan? - No, a hold-up.

A hold-up? Fantastic!

- Think so? - Sure!

Your film needs some action.

Gunshots, screams, blood and tears!

- No, I hate blood. - Think about it.

Tarantino doesn't film keys.

You need blood splashing the walls,

brains on the windows

- Filming brains is disgusting. - It's fake.

People will love it.

I long to do a scene like that.

Not scared of being unpopular?

The baddies always steal the show.

I don't want violence in my film.

- The hold-up? - A friendly one.

Friendly?! Fucking script!

- Yes? - A withdrawal.

- A big one. - Account number?

- No account. - I'm sorry, I don't understand...

It's a hold-up, bitch.

We said a friendly one.

It's a hold-up, please, lady.

I'm afraid I can't help you. I'll take you to see the manager.

Usually in a hold-up robbers are masked and armed.

- I agree. - Aren't you armed?

I may have a penknife.

- With scissors? - Not good enough.

Even for a friendly hold-up?

I'm sorry, but why should I give you 500000 euros

if I'm not held at gunpoint?

Are you stubborn? You want us to stress everyone out

and shoot a hostage every ten minutes?

- I didn't say that. - We can do it! We're not dumb.

Let's do it!

It's complicated enough. We won't pussyfoot around.

I'll show you the hold-up in the script

and we'll film that if you prefer.

Here. It's up to you.

"Laurent and Daniel

"enter the manager's office.

"He turns down a friendly hold-up."

You bet!

"Daniel immediately shoots Martine coldly in the neck

"and she drops dead."

Martine, my secretary?

Wait, today's Tuesday, I need her for a meeting

on Thursday, it's vital.

Go on.

"As the manager won't back down

"the gangsters shoot half the customers

"and sodomize the others." What is this?

Go on, there's more.

"When the cops arrive it's worse,

"23 policemen are shot down."

- 3 police vans! - 23! You can't!

And the police are local,

I know them all.

- May I? - Go ahead.

It's a no.

Martine and I have a meeting Thursday.

As for the sodomy, we never call in outsiders

to screw our clients, that's our job.

And 23 policemen is a no.

All these lives saved. I can breathe now.

- Got a minute? - Yes.

I'll go to the safe.

A duck?

A rabbit?

Here!

I added a bit.

A round million.

Film-making is expensive.

Here's your script. Scram!

Thank you very much.

- No, thank you! - Thank you.

What a day! All those lives saved!

Go left, it's more discreet.

- Goodbye! - Goodbye!

Good lads!

What do you think of friendly hold-ups?

What do you mean by "friendly"?

People should work, not steal.

People must earn their living.

- Not rob others. - Not even a bank?

That's irrelevant.

- What is this? - A friendly one?

A friendly one doesn't exist. I'm against it.

Would you pay up?

- No! - Yes!

- Yes? - If I was going to be...

- But they weren't armed. - Really?

They had a Swiss penknife.

No way. I wouldn't have paid up.

But with scissors?

- Yes, I would. - With scissors?

I want to stay alive.

If I was the bank manager

I'd wait for them with a grenade in my pocket.

He doesn't know when they're coming.

A grenade's always useful in your pocket.

Did the manager save them from a blood bath?

We don't know.

I'm still selling a Mercedes 71 convertible,

first hand, 6000 kms.

I'll buy it!

One million euros!

Stop getting laid, it's only for the film.

A cheese shop, wait for me.

I must buy some for my mum.

- During the film? - I promised her some cheese.

What would you like?

A fine Reblochon.

- A half or a whole? - Half, for my mum.

- Yes, she likes a half. - Not too copious.

- And with it? - A goat's cheese.

- Goat's cheese... - Which does she like?

A log.

A log and a couple of crottins.

I'll take them.

Any of that wine of yours?

They didn't deliver it.

Not that one, it will give you heartburn.

- Alright! - It's a bad time.

So that's...

What do I owe you?

18 euros 40.

18,40 plus 0,50 makes 20.

Thanks. Goodbye.

Little asshole.

- Saw who it was? - Who?

- The cheese merchant. - Yes, Depardieu. So what?

- Not impressed? - I'm impressed

that you gave a star like Depardieu the part of a cheese merchant.

That impresses me!

His name's on the poster, cheese merchant or Prime Minister!

Now we need to get the story going.

Why?

- To speed up the script. - Why?

To stop it being routine.

Nieztsche said routine is habit plus boredom.

Oh, shit! Thanks for the dialogue!

You quote Nieztsche, I just say "why".

It's all your fucking show.

Look!

- Where? - That poster.

It's for a Mediterranean cruise.

Are you blind? Read the slogan!

"Looking for the keys to happiness? Go on a cruise."

Admit you're a moron!

"Looking for the keys to happiness?"

- A clue? - Yes. When does the boat sail?

Saturday 18th, 15:30.

10 minutes ago.

- Fasten your belt. - Why?

A pane of glass!

- What now? - We'll find a solution.

When you know Paris...

Mind the bike.

- Hey, it's not... - No.

It's jammed here.

- We'll go by the river. - We're there.

- Careful! - They're going swimming.

- The ride's over. - No!

We're crossing.

You're mental!

Who cares? It's only 3D.

- Coffee? We don't have time. - Pity.

- You, you, you! - Cut it out!

3 points. Plus the red lights makes 23.

We're really stuck.

No, look.

Not that!

See that? A kestrel falcon.

The falco cininculus.

- A lovely bird. - I don't give a shit.

Handbrake.

We're parked!

- I'll go. - No, I will.

Was it the phone?

Not now, I have to catch a boat.

The phone?

Right. Call me back. Bye.

A dickhead!

Did the phone go ding-dong?

Why?

The mixer's wife was having a baby,

he left a trainee with one sound effect.

One sound for everything?

No kidding!

That's appalling.

I don't believe it.

- You're not helping me. - It's dead funny!

We'll miss the boat.

- I love this scene! - Are we going or not?

Wait, let's try one last thing.

- You're crummy! - Who cares? It goes ding-dong!

No, it doesn't! Hurry up!

- Too late. - No, wait...

Come on!

What a lousy idea!

A dumb idea!

- Shit! - We'll find the keys!

- Fuck the keys! - It's a clue!

- Who did you write with? - No one.

You're sure?

No artificial aids?

I didn't smoke anything.

We're catching up!

Straighten out. Smoking is destructive.

- Drop it! - We're 400 metres high.

400 metres, OK!

- Why am I in this film? - Because I chose you!

- Did you ask anyone else? - No way!

The character is called Daniel,

he's just like you, I didn't ask all Paris.

Chill out, relax.

I was shit scared!

Don't move.

Why did you do that?

- I said on the boat, remember? - Right.

Let's enjoy this holiday atmosphere

and have some fun.

Some hope!

Maybe there's one who's possible, on your left.

What do we do now?

Take it easy and wait for a lead for the keys.

A walk, a holiday...

- How does this undo? - Tourismo.

Cool, huh? Chilling out.

What are those bubbles?

It's not me.

We've found ourselves two farters.

An appalling dive!

A genital bellyflop in slomo.

The marks are as disastrous

as the dive.

But the audience loves him, by God!

- Can we talk? - Sure.

- In private. - No problem.

Paulette, my pet, go and feed the seagulls.

Got a lead for the keys?

- No, but you found a job. - What job?

- American Gigolo Part 2. - I'm not a gigolo.

Where did all those rings come from?

They're gifts. I didn't hustle.

What did you give in exchange?

Nothing, some quality time.

We're all just good friends.

Genuine communication.

How do guys of our age communicate with grannies?

I don't know where to look any more.

- Take advice from the old hermit. - The old hermit?

A problem with sound. She said she knows a hermit who lives in a cave

and who knows the ultimate truth. If we can find him,

he'll know where my keys are.

- Where is he? - I'll draw you a map.

I'm not looking.

In the mountains.

A cave...

2 seconds ago we were sunbathing on deck!

Now we're scaling goddam cliffs.

- Take big steps. - I'm doing my best.

Turn right?

- Right? - I don't know.

Turn right.

Why must we go all this way?

Run out of time lapses?

- Beautiful scenery. - Fuck it.

Come clean...

We're lost and we die now in terrible pain?

No, it's a happy end.

- So we find this cave? - Sure. We've climbed up,

we have a great map, we're nearly there.

It's night, my knees hurt and I'm starving.

- What's next? - A camp fire, wine and sausages?

Swear the sausages won't be blended with the wine.

- And the music? - Maxime Le Forestier.

Better than nothing.

- And Lucie? - Other girls.

- Nice ones? - And Pascal.

We don't have a chance.

When a key goes astray

It loses its way

It takes off like a rocket

Leaving my pocket

What a crazy tease

Giving cars keys

What a crazy tease

Giving cars keys

It has a good home

Of its own...

- What's that? - Maxime's puff.

- Don't touch it. - Why not?

Last time I smoked it I had nightmares.

Goodbye!

Still no cave.

I feel queasy.

- Your breath stinks. - Who's talking!

When you smoke.

Bedtime, as tomorrow... the keys!

Let's go to sleep!

Where is that joker?

Roof. Windows. Floors.

Piss off, bitch!

Tomatoes, peppers, courgettes... What else?

A big turkey!

It's time to award

the Gold Palm. I'm opening the envelope...

The gong for the worst artistic choice goes to...

Daniel Russo for Car Keys.

Stop it!

But you've won!

Fuck off!

Windows. Tiles. Roof.

You're dead.

Here's Laurent Baffie!

- Hello, Laurent. - Hello, Thierry.

You're here to talk about your film, Car Keys.

Right.

I know the pitch: A guy loses his car keys

and looks for them.

With crap like that

you're in trouble.

Baffie!

What is this film of yours?

Is it cinema? What's the story?

- I lost my car keys, sir. - Where were they?

In the end they were in my other pocket, sir.

Is that the story?

He can't find his key? He's taking the piss!

You never like anything. I got zero for my short film.

Favouritism.

It's an underground movie.

Trying to be trendy? "Underground"...talk French!

Car Keys. My ass!

I had nightmares.

Me too.

- They gave me a hard time. - I've got something.

A little gastropod. A friend.

Have they gone?

- To the cave? - Right.

- Your jacket isn't continuity. - I'm cold.

- We're shooting. - I know we are.

I'm sorry but...

- Bad continuity. - Fuck continuity!

I spot continuity errors in a film.

Gimme a break!

All that matters is a funny line.

If the line is funny it's funny.

Let's go to the cave.

"Hermit's cave". Here we are.

I'd given up hope.

Coming?

No, that stuff scares me. I'll wait.

Master, I lost my car keys and someone told me you know

the ultimate truth.

Well...

Sometimes we search very far

for something within a hand's reach.

And my keys?

- That's all. - That's all?

That's all.

- What do I owe you? - The usual fee.

Money? Not money.

- Not money? - A jug of goat's milk.

- A jug? - A jug of goat's milk.

Goat's milk...

I'll be right back.

A jug of goat's milk...

- Any goat's milk? - A pack or a jug?

I'll leave it here and take my jacket. Bye!

- How much? - Give me 500.

- How much for the glasses? - 300.

- 25? - Done!

- Got 25? - Yes.

- No, I have 15. - 15?

Alright.

- I could have paid 10. - 5!

He said something incredible: "Sometimes we search very far

"for something within a hand's reach."

No message.

Wait...

Something within a hand...

- No. - Or maybe...

"Hand we search within reach sometimes far..."

"Look for the dick tomorrow."

Feel like crying, Daniel?

Go ahead.

What did the hermit mean?

The philosophy is in the person's mind.

It's the person who thinks,

and who can always search deeper.

But the philosophy behind those words

means, I think, that it's better

to simplify things. Not to complicate life.

You follow me?

Happiness is here but we go looking for it

as we don't recognize it. I don't know...

I can't explain.

"...within a hand's reach"?

What's it for? I don't like being filmed.

It means we complicate life but it could be simple.

- See it again. - Let me go!

- It's a great film. - Let me go!

Just to please me. If you don't call me I'll call you.

"Sometimes we search very far..." It must mean something.

SOLUTION: THE KEYS ARE IN HIS LEFT POCKET!

I don't know.

What a brain-teaser!

What did he mean by that?

- No! - The keys!

That's why I couldn't find them! They were in my left pocket,

instead of my right!

"We search very far for something within a hand's reach."

That's it! The keys were within a hand's reach!

You led people on for 90 mns with that, it's appalling!

Not at all, it's a real philosophical message!

Stop, you're covering yourself with shit.

I found my keys. All's well that ends well.

The phone!

Cringe!

THE END

Zero!

It's for you, Daniel.

We'll be banned for under 16s!

He's at it!

Genevi�ve!

- Maud! - My Laurent!

How are you?

- You bit my ear. - Rapture!

It's Bingo!

The hermit!

Wonderful!

- I'm with two friends, OK? - Fine.

Carmelites? Hello.

- Doggy Dogs! - I brought dog biscuits.

That's nice!

- There's pussy! - Wicked!

- I brought some money. - Good idea.

The cheese merchant!

Some cheeses as I like you.

- How nice! - Little asshole.

How are you?

- Congratulations on your keys! - Some sangria?

Everyone's here!

What about my running gag?

A peach melba.

Dickhead.

- Who is it? - Danielle.

- Danielle who? - Gilbert.

Gilbert who?

23% last take.

23!

40% take 6.

No, 7! 40% take 7.

40% take 7.

If you want your keys back you must...

You gotta pay up.

Pay up, mate!

Mr Willy, please,

can you put: "To Laurent, best wishes"?

Who do you think you are?

The keys aren't in the apartment.

Don't make me laugh.

Calm down, when did you...

Calm down, when did you see them last?

You spat! Let's go again!

Rolling.

No car keys here, that's for sure.

Have you got savings?

I'm alone in the world,

I have no one.

Could you suck off in a wood?

It's for the film!

Who did you write it with?

If a helicopter swoops down over us

we'll grab it and get out of this nightmare.

Why should a helicopter swoop down over us?

- We can see your ass. - Fuck off!

- Act it! - I am acting!

- You wrote it like this... - Keep going.

It's like you. Shit!

A catch?

- What catch? - Tell me something...

You wrote this film.

There must be a fab babe to fuck.

It's a love story.

I mean a gorgeous girl... No, that's earlier.

- You said it before. - You say it again.

No, you already said it.

- You say it again. - Now?

- Yes, but you say it after. - Now!

- Cut! - Keep going.

- Go on. - You say "Daniel".

- You say it before. - Go on!

- I'll do it again. - OK, cut.