All language subtitles for The Grand Tour S01E02 Operation Desert Stumble (1080p x265 10bit Joy)

Greetings. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, everybody.
Thank you so much.

Thank you, thank you.

Welcome to The Grand Tour.
And in this week's programme:

I drive a saloon car.

James drives
a catering lorry.

And Richard
has a knife fight.

Let's dance.

That is all to come,
but first of all,

let me talk you through where
we are. It's South Africa.

Over there, in the distance,
you can see Johannesburg.

But this place here is called
The Cradle of Humankind.

Now it's called that
because archaeologists
have determined

it was on this very spot
that mankind separated
from the ape.

Ahem.

Well, I mean

See? We haven't even begun.

What?
Be reasonable.

You've learnt to put socks on,

but other than that, mate

Listen, I'm trying to be
profound here, OK?

Carry on, carry on.
I'm trying to be profound.

Because this is ground zero.

This is where all
of human history began.

Anyone who comes here,
it's like coming home.

Jeremy.
What?

How long has it taken some of
us to evolve from being apes?

It's taken

two million and a hundred

You at home may be
wondering why everybody
here is applauding,

but it's because
while the rest of mankind

has managed to grasp
the concept of arithmetic,

the President of South
Africa, Jacob Zuma

Well, how can I put this?
He sort of hasn't.

I've got a clip here to show
you what I'm on about.

We announce that our
membership figures

stood at769,

eight-hundred and

700

Listen properly.

769 thousand,

820

I mean, honestly.

The funny thing is

Jacob Zuma is a bit of
a controversial figure here.

He recently installed a
swimming pool at his home.

And then, because he'd used
taxpayers' money to do that,

he said it was actually
a water storage facility
in case of a fire.

So, in other words,
if he burst into flames,

he can jump into it
and put himself out

in ten hundred and
three hundredseconds.

He has also bought himself

what he claims
is a fire engine.

Nice.

He's also got himself
an ambulance.

Yep. Can't be too careful.

Motoring in South Africa.

Big problem here, of course,
is the wildlife,

because how do you
accurately warn motorists

that there may be
a deer-y thing ahead

and it could be
full of helium?

Well, the authorities
have had a go.

They've come up with
this as a sign.

It's not bad, except
they've got the word wrong.

What?

It's wrong, isn't it?

It's not baboons.
No, it's not.

We're from England.
We know that's not a baboon.

Baboons are actually
very dangerous here.

Certainly,
they've got a better idea

of how to handle a gun
than the local police.

He's actually using that
as a shooting stick.

Shall we get on
with the show?

Yes, good idea. Good plan.
Yes, let's.

And we start
with Aston Martin.

The company must have had
a meeting recently

and the bosses
must have said,

It's gonna be
a few years now

until the next
Bond film is out,

so what are we gonna do
at Aston Martin

to generate some headlines
in the meantime?

And what they must
have decided is,

to make a car that is
as good as a car can be.

They weren't talking
about making a racing car

because in racing
there are rules

about how big
the engine can be

and what sort of tyres
you can use.

And they weren't talking
about making a road car,

that would have to meet
emissions regulations,

have comfy rubber bits
in the suspension.

And all that stuff
would slow it down.

Exactly. They wanted
to make a car

that adhered to no rules
and no regulations.

So they have.

This is what
they came up with.

It costs £1.8 million.

And it's called the Vulcan.

Spectacular, isn't it?

But not very practical.

Oh, God. Ow!

Agh!

Hold on Nope.

How are you?

No.

Agh!

Now I'm totally stuck.

Oh, yeah.

You will be able to edit
this out, won't you?

I don't want people
thinking I'm fat.

Right. I'm gonna pop it
into gear now.

You may hear this
a little bit.

Good. First.

Erfoot on clutch.

And now it's time to fire up
the seven-litre V12.

It's quite normal.

When I got going, things
didn't get much better.

Even at slow speeds,
it is quite loud in here,

which is why I'm wearing
this silly face microphone

so you can hear
what I'm on about.

The noisiest part
of this car, however,
is not the engine.

That's the brakes.

They are quite
They are quite squeaky.

It actually sounds like
I'm stamping on a piglet.

And things get worse
when you put your foot down.

I'm not going to say
that it's like

being attacked
by a bear because it isn't.

But it is like being
in a room with a bear

that's thinking
of attacking you.

At the moment I've turned the
engine down on this knob here

to its minimum setting.

It's only producing
500 horsepower.

So it's not really
the speed that's scary.

Oh, God!

It's the noise
and the harshness

and the vibrations.

It's not a very well-equipped
car either.

The windows don't wind down,
for instance.

There are no toys at all.

And you only get
half a steering wheel.

However, there is
one amazing thing

you get for
your £1.8 million.

An all-expenses-paid trip to
a racetrack of your choice,

where an Aston Martin
test driver

will teach you
how to drive your car,

not with the engine wound
down to 500 horsepower,

but with it turned up

to the max.

Holy cow! Ha-ha-ha!

The engine is now
producing 820 horsepower.

And the speed
just beggars belief.

The bear is in attack mode.

The figures say it'll do
0-60 in 2.9 seconds.

And has a top speed of 208
with that wing on the back.

But it feels a hell of a lot
faster than that.

Oh, God!

The other thing
you get for your money

is a squadron of mechanics.

But sadly not a handbrake.

Right, what I've done now
is I've taken yes

I've taken the
steering wheel off,

so I can't put it in gear
to stop it rolling away.

Oh, God.

Agh.

Argh, argh

When I'd finally
got it to stop,

the jacks were deployed and
the mechanics set to work.

That's the thing
about the Vulcan.

Wing angle, roll bar,
suspension, brakes.

Everything can be adjusted
to suit your personal taste.

After ten minutes
of pretending I knew
what they were doing,

I was back on the track.

And the car felt
just as bonkers
as it had done before.

However, I've changed.

I've been driving
this thing now,

I don't know,
three or four hours,

and I'm starting to
understand it.

I'm starting to
get used to it.

I'm starting to trust it.

Now I'm starting
to understand

why the Vulcan can go round

the Nardo handling circuit
in southern Italy

nine seconds faster
than the McLaren P1.

Nine seconds in car time,
that's a year!

You get phenomenal
mechanical grip

in the low-speed corners,

and then,
on the Isn't Straight,

you've got a ton-and-a-half
of downforce,

thanks to its aerodynamics.

Then you have the power
from the engine,

which feels,
well, old-fashioned.

Proper.

I'm surprised it
doesn't have carburettors.

I love this thing very much.

And what I love most of all

is that it's not a test bed.

It's not an example
of what cars will be like
in the future.

It's a celebration of what
they were like in the past.

What it is

is old time rock'n'roll.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you very much.

So
What?

I get the impression
you quite liked the car.

Oh, it's unbelievable.

What I loved most of all is
they've made it out of bits

that they already had
lying around in the factory.

It's like you going home

after your tripto South Africa,
opening the fridge,

and using what's there

to make a delicious
shepherd's pie.

What, some stale milk
and an old piece of cheese?

And it costs £1.8 million?
Yes.

How much is that,
Jeremy, in rand?

Ten hundred and 30 million
and a million.

But for that it does
0-60 in 2.9 seconds?

So it's nearly as fast as an
Aventador or a Caterham R600,

or an Ariel Atom V8,

but much more expensive!

And not road legal.

Yes. Thank you very much
for relieving yourself
all over my enthusiasm.

You're welcome.

It is a brilliant,
brilliant car.

And only one question
now remains.

How fast will it go
round our track

in the hands of a man

who thinks that
everything British
is basically communist?

Here he is.

Looking a bit confused.

All right, folks, let's see
what this bag of bolts
will do.

And he's off,
and immediately on
to the Isn't Straight.

First corner coming up.

And he's flat through there.
That is ballsy.

Changing down, though,
for the second corner

on the Isn't Straight,

but now he can use
full power.

800 brake horsepower?

Are you kiddin' me?

Now, hard on the
brakes for Your Name Here.

He has got to be
impressed with this.

For about $50,000, I could
get one of my old trucks
NASCAR style.

It's got
800 brake horsepower.

Go deer hunting,

you got room for
a couple deer in the back.

I don't think you can put
no deer in this thing.

Plenty of deer
to run over, though,

back on the Isn't Straight.

James Bond
drives one of these.

Shit. Vin Diesel
would whip his ass.

Yes, I'm sure he
would, but down into first.

I don't know
about this thing.

It's like a red-headed
stepchild I'm talkin'.

Be damn ugly.

Not sure
he's fully concentrating
past Old Lady's House.

But he is flat out
towards Substation.
It is bumpy here.

And there's new Tarmac
on the apex.
Will it kick the tail out?

Yes, it does indeed. He's OK.

Into Field of Sheep.
No sheep today.

And he's across the line.

Hell of a track, though.

It is a hell of a track.
Big car.

Anyway, we must now
bring up the lap board

and find out how fast
the American got round
in the Vulcan.

Let's have a look.
Ooh, it's quick.

Oh, hello. Hello.

There you go, see?
Old time rock'n'roll.

Old time rock'n'roll has
beaten rap and techno.

And R and B.

And is now at the top.
Very good.

Well done, and thank you.
Now we must move on.

It's time for us to take
a gentle stroll down
Conversation Street.

Right, sticking with
Aston Martin,

they've teamed up with Red
Bull Racing to create this.

It's called the 001.

It has a V12, no turbos,
none of that sort of
hybrid witchcraft.

Yet it produces
900 horsepower

in a car that
only weighs 900 kilos.

Staggering.

Well, more than staggering,
that is a magic figure,

cos that means it has one
horsepower per kilogram.

And no other car
gets close to that.

Not remotely. The Vulcan's
barely half that.
It's staggering.

The only problem I have
with this and you just
have to look at it.

Another angle we've got here.
Look at that.

You know that car is gonna be
all about aerodynamics

and particularly downforce.

And I hate downforce.

What do you mean,
you hate downforce?

Because they tell you you can
go round a 90-degree bend
at 100mph

because of the weight
of the air pressing down
on the body.

It's like having
an invisible elephant.

What if the elephant
falls off?

It's not a real elephant!
It can't fall off!

But how can you trust
something you don't see?

Wait. No, I'm with him
because what if you drove
through a sudden vacuum?

Well, that's not gonna happen
either, is it?

Hammond, listen.
There has to be a speed

in a car with active downforce,
like that one,

where you go round a corner
too fast for the tyres,

too fast for the
mechanical grip,

but not fast enough for the
downforce to be working.

So you'd have to say
to the police,

I crashed because
I wasn't going fast enough.

It's true.
Potentially.

There's another point,
actually,

the handling is gonna
depend on the weather.

If it's a really hot day,
the air will be thinner.

No, thicker.
No, it's thinner
on a hot day.

See, I'd be messed up already
cos I'd have the wrong

That's the point.
You got a really hot day,

and you don't really
want to be driving a car

where whether or not
you get round a corner

depends on whether or not
the sun's out.

So you now want
weather forecasts to include
cornering speeds?

It's not just weather.
Altitude.

You could drive that car
round a corner at 100mph

in Holland, sea level,

but, what are we here,
6,000 feet up?

6,000 feet up here.

You'd barely be able
to get round at three mph.

You'd crash it into a tree,
or a visible elephant.

They are real.

Exactly. I just
Honestly, downforce

I don't like having to trust
something you can't see.

It's like North Korea.

Or the contraceptive pill.

That was an overshare.

There's actually another
hyper car I want to draw
your attention to.

Replacement for the Veyron.
Oooh!

That is the Bugatti Chiron.

It's got a quad turbo
8-litre W16 engine,

which every minute inhales
13,000 gallons of air.

Just imagine.
It's unbelievable.

1,500 horsepower.

And the top speed
is limited to 261 mph.

They say it would do 288
but that would be
irresponsible on the road.

It's got diamonds
in the speakers
for better sound quality.

Of course it has, yeah.

Oh, you'll like this. At top
speed, the force on each tyre
is 3,800G.

A man dies at 9G.

If you drive the Chiron
flat out

it'll drain its tank
in nine minutes.

Nine minutes?

Hang on a minute.
261mph at nine minutes.

That means you'd have to fill
up with fuel every 39 miles.

Well, less you can't drive
until you run out, you'd have
to look for a petrol station.

Yes, James, it really isn't
a practical car, is it?

Gonna give you the most
amazing stat, though.

It's about the people
who are buying this car.

They've got 200 orders
so far.

And the average person
who's ordered one

already has 64 cars,
three helicopters,
three jets and one yacht.

Zuma.

I reckon he's got one
already.

Didn't say that.
He didn't say that.

Shall we move it on?

In South Africa, there are
35 carjackings every day.

Every day?
Every day.

I've got to say, well done,
that's an amazing figure.

I can't believe it. How have
you got time to come here?

Cos you've got stuff to do.

They've all come here
in someone else's car.

So you've already done it?

But what they don't realise
is they're all walking home.

I've done a bit of research.

The most commonly jacked
cars, carjacked cars,

are the VW Polo, the Toyota
Hiace and the Toyota Hilux.

But they're the best-selling
cars in South Africa.

Exactly. The VW Polo
is the best-selling car
in South Africa.

So why would you buy a car

which increases your chance
of being shot in the head
and your car being stolen?

Why not buy a car that
nobody would want to steal?

No, cos if I lived here,
I'd get something like
a beige Volvo Estate.

That's just a car you want!

You're using it as an excuse
to get your dream car.

Look, Hammond, I've explained
it to you before.

Having a Volvo Estate
is a bit like needing to go
to the dentist.

It's gonna happen.
Get it over with. Just do it.

I don't want to
get it over with.

That's like going to the
dentist and saying,

Take all my teeth out cos
they're gonna fall out.

At the barber's:
Just pull it all out,
it'll fall out anyway.

The doctor: Stop me being
able to retain my urine.
It's gonna happen, too.

I'm gonna bury myself
and get it all over with
once and for all.

He has got a point,
seriously.

Let's enjoy it before
we have to have the Volvo.

But why do you all buy cars
that you're going to
get carjacked in?

Has anyone got
a Volkswagen Polo here?

You have? Did you buy
that for yourself?

My dad bought it for me.
Your dad bought it?

Wow! Oh, nice gift!

What sort of madness is this?

Has anyone got
a Toyota Hilux?

Yeah. This is insanity.

Is it yours?

What did you start out
with this morning?

It's unbelievable.

Anyway, listen,
we gotta move it on.

Because,
here in South Africa,

people have
an interesting approach
to preventing car theft.

Got a picture here
of one man's solution.

That's a python.

Now there's no question
it's gonna work.

I would not steal a car that
had that on the dashboard.

However, a python's
not like a burglar alarm.

You can't turn it off.

When you come back
to your car, how do you say
to the snake,

It's my car,
don't strangle me.

You can't.

I'm pretty sure you can't
train a python, can you?

You can't. That's why you
never see sheep snakes

or guide snakes for the blind.

It'll never happen.

I have to say,

in England, we've got
an even more stupid solution.

This chap's come up with
an idea called Bike Mine.

I've got a video of him here
explaining how it works.

It can be attached quickly
to protect almost any
personal possession

you store outside
or in a garage or shed.

Its robust steel construction
is covered in a rubber skin

to protect your property.

Bike Mine is safe
because the detonators
are self-contained

as well as legal
to own and use.

Bike Mine is reliable
because there are
no batteries to run down

and only one moving part.

It's not gonna work.

What I can't understand is,

he said it can also protect
any other personal property
you may have.

What, like a Ming vase?

Are you worried about your
child being kidnapped?

Simply hang this bomb
round their neck.

So, moving on,
to Jordan, weirdly,

where the government
has just built a mock town,

so that special forces
from all over the world

can turn up
and have a competition

to see which one is best.

Yes, and this year,
Mr Wilman,

who is the Fat Man
who controls our lives,

decided that us three
should go and take part.

Obviously there'd be
a lot of shooting,

running about
and doing somersaults.

None of which
we'd be any good at.

No, but, the SAS, the world's
first special forces unit,

was created to be fast,

to get into the battle quickly
and then get out again.

So there would also be
a lot of high-speed driving.

Erm
Yes, I know.

That is a bit of a problem.
We'll gloss over that.

Anyway,
we were sent out there
and this is what happened.

This is it.

The special forces training
base deep inside Amman.

The city, obviously,
not not

Anyway, arriving now to
demonstrate what we'd have to
do later,

a squad of
special forces soldiers.

They exfoliated from a Black
Hawk helicopter on ropes

and then fought their way
through a terrorist-infested
building.

Their next task
was to steal a car,

which they used
to reach a hijacked airliner.

Here they stormed the cabin,
killed the bad guys

and rescued a VIP.

There was then
a high-speed car chase
and a running gun battle,

as they escorted
the rescued hostage

to the safety
of a nearby embassy.

That was
quite impressive.

Well, it's not like
they were

using real bullets.
Yes, they were.

They were not.
They were!

Are you saying
that on this,

let's be honest,
training ground,

people are allowed to run
around with real bullets
in these guns?

Yes.
Rubbish.

And there you are.
Real bullets.

And I managed
to shoot myself.

Oh, yeah.
How did you do that?

Well, because,
on an assault rifle,

the bullets
come out this side

and I'm a left-handed shot,
so they just go up my arm,
the casings.

You're gonna
be rubbish at this.

Well, I'm not going to be
able to use an assault rifle.

I'm not gonna be able
to storm that airliner.

I'm not gonna be able
to get out of the helicopter.

Fearing that things
may not go well,

we were told to go
and get ready.

And even that
was fraught with difficulty.

Why are you wearing white?

Snow camouflage.

It has never, ever
snowed in Jordan.

I didn't know
where Jordan was.

You're gonna be
quite visible.

At this point,
we received details

of our mission from
our boss, Mr Wilman.

Each time one of you
is killed,

you all
have to begin again.

So it's like that
Tom Cruise movie.

What, Cocktail?

No, not Cocktail.
Or Rain Man.

This is gonna take forever.

Nevertheless, we were
soon in the helicopter

on our way
to the start of this
important rescue mission.

Let's just get this straight.

When we get over
the building,

we leap out of the door

and grab the rope
and slide down it?

Pretty much, yeah, that's it.
That's how it goes.

You could be leader.

Get out there, show us how
it's done, we will follow.

I don't want to.

I've never climbed a rope
or gone down one in my life.

Well, what a time.
Get on with it.

Why don't you go first?

I can't do that.
I'm scared of heights.

Lead by example.

Be an inspiration
to your men.
Yeah, exactly.

How high will it be?

30 feet?
Yeah. You'll be fine.

What happens
if you fell 30 feet?

Would you be going home
with a head wand?

You'd be going home
in this helicopter

but not in that seat.

You'd be in a bucket
in the corner.

OK, here it comes.
Let's do this!

Whoa! Jesus Christ! Stop!

Oh, shit.

I'm very scared.

Mate, that's not
the attitude.

Go on, then!
Don't like it!

Go down the rope!
Don't want to do it.

Loosen your hands a bit.
I don't want to.

Do you want me to
tickle you on your belly?

No.
Well, go on, then!

Hammond!
Yeah?

My trousers have fallen down.

Ladies and
gentlemen, Chuck Norris.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, yes. Have you ever

in your whole life
seen anything

Aaagh!

I know I made that rope thing
look a bit difficult,

but actually it's
surprisingly easy.

So, why don't you go first?

I've got a better idea.
What?

Why don't we just land
the helicopter?

That is a good idea.
Helicopters can land.

Stop, stop, stop.
Hammond.

Right, listen,
you open the door,

and I'll throw
this stun grenade in.

Good idea. In three

No, wait, wait!

I don't know how it works.

Oh, for God's sake.

Right. You ready, Hammond?

Go!

Come on!

I thought you said
it was a stun grenade?

I meant smoke.

I can't see a thing!

Literally nothing.

When the smoke
finally cleared,

we started our sweep.

Ssh. Quiet.

Dog. Dog.

No! It means door.
There's a door!

There's a door.

It's not a bloody football,
is it?

Kick it.
You put your foot flat.

That's how you do it.

Nobody there.
It's empty.

Nobody there.

Soon, though,
they were there.

We are trapped in this room.

Well, why don't we just
go out of the window?

We could go out
of the window.

Yeah, we could do that.
Cover us.

Yeah, I'll cover you.

As Jeremy
laid down covering fire

May and I climbed out
of the window.

But then,
there was a problem.

I'm stuck.

Well, push!
Ooh!

What?

The terrorists
are in the room.

How do you know?

They're doing things to me.

Ooh.

Oooh.

This is very uncomfortable.

It's probably cos
you're so tense.

Ohh. James!

What?
Kill me.

Shoot me.

Gladly.

Please hurry up.

Fully automatic?
Er

Get on with it!

Just give him the lot.
In ten

Not ten!

All right, in

three, two, one.

How did you miss?

It's true what they say
about machine guns.

You can't hit a thing
with them.

What?
Just kill me.

We're trying!
It's not that easy.

Hang on. I'm out.

Use the shovel.
Hit me with that.
Right.

Do you want to say anything?

Yes. Final words. I hate you.

You know, I've dreamt
about exactly this.

Hurry up!
Incoming!

We are trapped in this room.

Why don't we go out
of the window?

Do you mind if
I go through the door?

This is better.

Heroically we fought
off all the attackers
outside the building.

But then we were
pinned down by a sniper.

James. James.
What?

Go down there
and steal that Renault.

Why?

Because this is a car show.
We need a motoring element.

Good point.
Go!

Can you think of anybody
on God's green Earth

less able to do this
kind of thing than him?

I mean, he can play
the harpsichord

but that's not a skill
we're gonna need today.

And he's been shot.

James.
What?

Go and steal
that Renault over there.
Why?

Because this is a car show.
We need a motoring element.

Good point.

Can you think of anybody
on God's green Earth

who's less able to do this
sort of thing than him?

Can you think of anybody
on God's green Earth

Can you think of anybody

Can you think

James, you can't
just keep doing

the same thing
over and over again.

Nah, he'll miss eventually.

Oh, God.

Oh, for God's sake.
There it is.

Because Corporal Stubborn
wouldn't budge from
his tactic,

Richard and I decided
that on our next attempt

we'd go into battle
with some new equipment.

Go and steal that Renault.

Go and steal that Renault
over there.

Ohhh!

James, go and steal
that Renault over there.

No.
What do you mean, no?

Well, there's a garage
over there. It'll have some
vehicles in it.

Oh, yeah.

Now we're in a car show.

Right, Jeremy,
you go sort that sniper,
we'll get these started.

Good plan.

Right, there's no keys.
I'll hotwire it.

Oh, there he is.

Say hello
to my little friend.

Yes! What a shot!

Ohhh!

I'll never be able
to do that again.

Jeremy!
What?

James has
electrocuted himself.

Oh, what a

Say hello
to my little friend.

Right, there are no keys.
I'll hotwire it.

Have you not seen every
single movie ever made?

There's nowhere to put a gun.
That is a bad mark for Audi.

Sport, drive,
traction control off.

Here we go!

Unbelievable.

Jeremy.
What?

Why did your trousers
fall down?

Because there were so many
grenades attached to them.

And in the down-draught
of the helicopter

I was very brave doing that.
I was.

I'm sure I saw him crying.
They were tears of bravery.

Oh, that well-known
expression. Tears of bravery.

Anyway, look, there's a bit
of a trend in South Africa

for making your own car,
making a car from scratch.

We've got an example here.

This man's built this one
based around the engine

and a few bits
from a BMW 318i.

And I've got to say,
I think that's pretty cool.

It's brilliant.
There are lots of these.

I prefer this one, also with
a BMW engine, a V8,

but the bodywork
is made of denim.

A man of exquisite taste.

I think the best of them all
is so good,

we've actually brought it
into the studio.

Look, it's down here.
Unbelievable, this.

It's a replica
of a Mercedes C9.

Now that, Hammond,
was the car that won

the 24-hour Le Mans race
in 1989.

And it's so amazing,
I've brought out the man
who built it.

Ladies and gentlemen,
give him a warm hand.
Johan Ackermann!

Thank you very much
for coming.

Can I just as--

Can I just ask, Johan,

how did you get
the styling to work?

Well, Jeremy, there was
no drawings on the internet,

so, erm I got a book
on the dimensions,

but the closest I could get
was a 1:32-scale model.

Hang on, so
you measured your toy car,

multiplied it by 32
and built a full-sized one.

Yep.
That's how you did it?

Is it road legal?
Fully road legal.

It's a real car,
not a model?
Yeah.

How long did you spend
building this?

From start to roadworthy
was 16 months.

Right. Was there,
or is there,

a marriage
to have survived this?

Well, I hope so.

My wife is here,
so it must be a good sign.

Hello, patient lady.

Well, it's a remarkable
achievement, and well done.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Johan Ackermann.

That's brilliant.

Brilliant.

We're moving on
to a great idea

that Richard Hammond and I
have had all by our own.

And it is brilliant.
It is.

It's called, Making James May
Do Something He Doesn't
Want To Do.

And we kick off
with spinning.

It's a South African thing.
Fairly simple.

You get an elderly
rear-wheel-drive car,

take it to a car park where
you do doughnuts in it

to a backdrop
of strong rap music.

It's lively,
it's interesting,
and it's youthful.

It's everything he isn't.

Well, here we are, then,

at one of Jo'burg's top
spinning destinations,

the aptly-named
Wheelz 'n' Smoke Arena.

And the object
of the exercise,

as far as I can make out,

is to create smoke.

And drive round
and round the arena

until the tyres go bang.

And then what's left
of the tyres

are put on a bonfire
over there,

to make sure there's
absolutely nothing left.

This is Stacy, and
she's only about 17, I think.

And the word round here
and the noise in the crowd

says that Stacy is
actually very good at this.

But how the bloody hell would
I know? It's just a massive
cloud of smoke

with some headlights
occasionally appearing in it.

To help me get into
the spirit of things,

the organisers suggested I
should become more involved.

Aaaargh!

Look at the rev case,
in the red constantly, mate.

I don't like the smell of
tyre smoke in the evening.

Oi! Get back in!

Get back in the car,
you idiot!

Help!

Thank you.

Has it broken?
Yes.

Finally.

I got 20,000 miles

out of the last set of
rear tyres on my car.

Just go out there and do it.

Fancy trying to do that
in England.

Or anywhere.
Or Australia.

Anyway, mm-mm-mm.

James May, was there any part
of that that you enjoyed?

Nope.
Good.

But now it is time
for Celebrity Brain Crash.

Now after what happened
last week,

our guest this week
declined our offer

to arrive at the studio
on a hovercraft,

saying she would prefer
to walk.

It's understandable.
Yes, it is.

I'm sure that despite this,

you will still give her
an enormous welcome.

Although she's now
a major Hollywood star,

she was actually born
here in South Africa.

Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome Charlize Theron!

We must ask her about
A Million Ways To Die
In The West.

I love that film.

But what I really love
is the way she looks in it.

The hat and the floaty skirt.
She's on a bicycle as well.

Oh, no.
Oh, God.

Oh, not
Ladies and gentlemen,

Charlize Theron has been
attacked by a lion.

Oh, no.
Literally nothing we can do.

Does that mean
she's not coming on, then?

She's been eaten by a lion.

Well, look, are there any
other well-known

South Africans
in the audience?

It's not very likely, James.

There's only two globally
famous South Africans.

One's now in a lion
and the other's in prison.

Let's get back
to what we were doing.

Earlier on, we were at
a Jordanian special forces
training base

learning to be
super army soldiers.

And we pick up the action
as we rush towards
the hijacked airliner

to rescue a VIP
and take them to safety.

Let me talk you
through the plan.

James and Richard
will use the catering lorry
as an assault vehicle.

And then,
after we've rescued the VIP,

we'll use the Audi
as a getaway car.

Now what we're doing here,
very cleverly,

is we're going round
the back of the plane

because planes don't have
rear windows

or door mirrors, so they
won't see us sneaking up.

Stealthy, you see.

Hammond,
we're manoeuvring in.

OK.
Dab the brakes.

Right,
we are in position.

James is gonna lift me on
this platform to the door,

then we go in.

Right, are you ready?

I'm ready to lower the jacks.

Absolute stealth.

I think the terrorists

are going to notice
this assault.

I think the terrorists are
going to notice this assault.

Which is why I shall now
cause a diversion.

I'm gonna make
a smoking doughnut
in front of the plane

to distract the terrorists.

Oh, no,
this is a disaster.

Even when you turn
the traction control off,

it isn't fully off,

so you just get miles and
miles of dreary understeer.

Bad mark for Audi here.

Come on!

The only good thing is the
terrorists will be looking

out of the cockpit windows

thinking, Why is that Audi

understeering around
like that?

Right! Go low!

Here I come!

Cry havoc and let slip
the dog of understeer!

Chaps, I have located the VIP

and it is the Queen
of England.

I don't like
the Royal Family.

James, now is not the time
for your republican views.

Ma'am, we are an elite
fighting force.

We have an Audi outside.
We will

Why did you shoot Hammond?

He was being annoying.

That's how you do it!

Ma'am, we are an elite
fighting force.

We have an Audi outside.
We will

Did you shoot May?
Well, he shot me!

That's how you do it!

Somehow in our next attempt,
Hammond ended up on the wing.

Oh, I see. You wanna do this
the old-fashioned way.

OK, let's dance.

Aagh!

Ma'am, we are an elite
fighting force.

We have an Audi waiting
outside to get you to safety.

And what do you do?
I just said.

We are an elite
fighting force.

We have an Audi waiting
outside to get you to safety.

You'll like it, it's German.
Like you are.

Thank you, James.
Are all the terrorists dead
back there?

Everybody's dead back there.
Good man.

Your Majesty,
if you'd like to follow us.

What was that?

He's just shot the Queen
in the back of the head.

Well, now what we gonna do?

Oh

Go. I'll have that,
thank you very much.

Having finally got
the Queen into the car,

we were now faced
with a perilous drive
to the embassy.

However, this did at least
mean I could get back
to my day job.

I'll talk you through the car.
This is the S8 Plus.

Plus means it has
80 more horsepower
than the standard car.

That means 0-60
in 3.8 seconds,

top speed: 190.

How very interesting.

The immense power
is harnessed not only
by all-wheel drive,

but also by ceramic brakes.

And an electronic
differential.

There's a time
and a place for talking
about that stuff, mate!

Sitting behind
a six-foot-five-inch driver

means that rear leg room
is rather at a premium.

Having said that, however,
for a high-performance
saloon,

the ride quality
is really rather good.

Will you two stop
reviewing the car?

Do you have an opinion,
the Queen?

Not now!

Hold it steady,
I'm gonna shoot them.

Shoot him in the face!

Have you come far?

The Living Daylights.
Transporter 2 and 3.

Taken. Ronin.

Why are you listing films?

Because all those films
had a big Audi saloon
in them going quickly.

It is the car of choice
for the Hollywood hero.

Shut up.

What's the top speed
of that thing, James?

About 90 miles an hour.

Well, here is a top tip
for Hollywood heroes.

If you're being
chased by a car

which is slower
than the car you're in,

simply drive faster than it.

See, that's what Nick Cage
ought to have thought about,
really, in The Rock.

And that man in Ronin, with
the S8 chasing the Citroen.

Stop talking about films!

There's a bogey
waxing our tail.

Oh, God!
Gonna shoot its petrol tank.

James, there's no point
shooting it. Petrol only
blows up in films.

Well, that's not strictly
accurate.

Where the bloody hell is
the embassy?
Go down here.

No, this is rubbish.
There it is.

There it is!

Right, you get the Queen
to safety. I'll cover you.

OK, I'm on it.
Right, good. Go, go, go!

Go, go, go!

Your Majesty.

Really quickly, Your Majesty.

We can't see.

Come on, Jeremy, come on!

I'm doing my best!

In the plums!

Oh, no!

Just keep moving!

They've done it again!

James, you're missing this!

You cannot modernise
the royalty,

because royalty is,
at the very best,
a medieval concept.

Oh! Shooting!

That's gonna sting!
He's still coming!

Keep going!

Mind the mines!

He's still going!

James, he's dead.

No, wait a minute.
He's going again!
He's moving again!

Jeremy, come on,
you can do it!

Come on, keep going!
Come on.

This is it.
Hammond

There's the finish line!

Am I going the right way?

More or less. Roll over it.
You can do it.

Yes! We have done it.

Have you come far?

A fighting force. An
unbelievable fighting force.

We actually managed
to complete that course

in nine hours
and 48 minutes.

And that's only
nine-and-a-half hours slower
than the actual soldiers.

Can I just ask, how many
times were you shot?

What, on the run in?
On the way to the embassy.

Er 17 to the torso,
two to the plum set.

And you lived?

Well, obviously, James,
yes, look, I lived.

He did. And on that
terrible disappointment,
it is time to end.

Yes, it is. Thank you
so much for watching.

See you somewhere next week.
Goodbye!