Original subtitles

Alistair: The essence of which is, we can never really hate someone

without first having loved them, or at least cared for them.

-Sometimes, I think our... -[Beeping]

frustration is borne out of a confusion,

there's a confusion

in the way that the things that we love and the things that we hate

-are often linked... -[Beeping]

Tommy, do you have any feedback?

-Sure. Um, yeah, sure. -[Watch beeping]

The notion that "anger" per se

is a bad thing,

I would say, respectfully, is...

Horseshit.

If general MacArthur's reaction to Pearl harbor

had been to go and find a quiet place and do some deep breathing

you would be goose-stepping into this meeting today,

and there'd be a great big eagle on the wall.

Okay...

Do you want to talk about love and hate, maybe,

because understandably, I think...

There can be some confusion.

I don't think there is any confusion.

Because the things I love and hate couldn't be more different.

I love my daughter,

I love my mustang,

my girlfriend,

and I love the way eno can paint a picture with music,

descending arpeggios,

rather reminiscent of falling Autumn leaves,

but, I fucking hate my ex-wife,

and that may change, but right now it is my modus operandi.

I'm going to leave now.

For two reasons:

One, I don't want to lose my temper,

which I think you'll agree shows some growth.

And two, this clown's just let one go.

Don't deny it.

Tommy.

Tommy...

If I come back, I may have a pop at you.

[Theme music playing]

[Engine starting]

[Engine revs]

Hello, stealth pest control, Tommy speaking.

Yes, we deal all manner of rodents, birds, insects.

Basically, if it's sharing your house and it's not paying rent,

you've got the right number.

No, fumigation is a last resort.

We only go nuclear once we've exhausted

the diplomatic process, as it were,

and we don't need kofi annan to give us the nod.

Yeah, well, you know why they never found any weapons of mass destruction?

Because I've got them all in the back of the Van.

Do you mind holding fire, I've got a call on the other line. Two ticks, love.

-[Beeping] -Hello?

You left me with no choice, dude.

Hard nose or the highway. No more encores, exit stage left, houselights up...

I don't care how late you were up,

it's your responsibility to be there on time.

Yeah, all right. One word...

"Immaturity".

Yeah, yadda yadda yadda, and your mother's a cock.

-[Beeping] -Hello?

Sorry about that, love. Where are you?

Letchworth?

That's not, strictly speaking, our area.

What you wanna do is call the four horsemen,

and ask to speak to Greg.

Smashing bloke, looks a bit like the paedophile from chitty chitty bang bang.

No! No! God, no! Couldn't be more different.

Nice as pie.

All right, love. See you.

You're a free man.

-What's that? -Decree absolute.

Bloody hell! So technically, we're not having an affair any more.

No, Tommy, technically, it's a relationship.

Well, that's no fun.

You better get the nurse's uniform out.

-Hmm, don't think it will fit you any more. -Tee hee.

Hardly fits you. You can't let the seams out much more.

Don't know. Might be fun when the stitches start going.

[Chuckles] Stroll on, flex those thigh-muscles and let rip,

like an erotic little hulk!

-Come here, you sexy cow. -How was your meeting?

-Did you keep your head? -Left before I lost it.

Ooh, mr smooth.

Just gave that a-hole sneggy the heave, kept it cool.

By the way,

that sex last night was fantastic.

I went off like krakatoa.

Did you come?

-No. -Right, well, I owe you one.

I'll put it on the slate.

Eh, don't be cheeky. You're not too big to go over my knee...

Actually I take that back.

So how did you sack sneggy?

I just laid it on the line, didn't I?

Told it like it was.

He said he'd been up late, had a bit of a smoke,

and thought I'd understand, said I'd gone all corporate.

I said, "listen, you bloody dildo.

"I was sinking yards of ale with John bonham

"and hoovering up furlongs of the devil's dandruff,

"with Lucifer Reed." As I used to call him.

"And changing the fuse on Peter frampton's vocoder

"while you were shitting rusks".

I still managed to be on a tour bus at 8 A.M., courtesy of a hearty breakfast

in the shape of mr Jim beam.

-So what did he say? -What could he say?

-Yeah, what did he say? -The usual, yadda yadda,

"I'm going to open a key cutter's". Dream on.

Iggy pop...

Mr osterberg to those of us who kept his show on the road.

One of the craziest sons of bitches to ever take the Mike,

but when it came to running a schedule, you set your watch by the guy.

No, as I said, there's keeping a crowd waiting in an anticipation.

And there's taking the piss.

And in that category, I'd put you...

The proclaimers, Roberta flack, and siouxsie...

But not the banshees, they were very punctual, but what could they do?

-Go out on their own? -Bill.

And the one-armed drummer from def leppard.

We're gonna have to cut back a bit.

At least he had an excuse,

although he did used to milk it sometimes.

I'll have a word with Vicky.

She said there's a five-grand problem-solving job

-coming up at the car pound. -Brilliant.

Pigeons lining themselves up on the rsjs. Staring people out, playing with their heads.

Okay, and I've had an idea, I'm thinking of doing a run of 50,

I know it's a bit of a gamble.

-What do you think? -Let's have a butchers.

[Sighing]

Yeah, yeah...

I wouldn't wear it myself, but um...

It wouldn't be good for me business-wise.

But a young lad, bit of attitude...

Yeah. Totally.

And I said, "yeah, I'll do that for you, no problem. Yeah.

"I would be...

[Whispering] Tommy, one minute.

[Continues on phone] "I would be happy to do that for you."

Not trying to talk to you, just looking at this.

"I would be happy to do that for you any day of the week

"that doesn't have a 'y' in it."

I'll speak to you later... All right, then, babes, bye.

All right, Vicky? What's occurring?

You come to see what's up for grabs, yeah? Let's have a look, shall we?

What about the job at the car pound, that pigeon shoot?

Ooh, no, you don't want that one, love, no.

The animal rights lot are always down there.

They chased away the last pest controller.

Harassed by the vegemite brigade.

Ooh, scary. They might throw their sandals at me.

Yeah... well, there's been no decision on that one yet, Tommy, all right?

So where's old sneggy today?

Mr sneggs is no longer an employee of stealth pest control.

Oh, dear, do you know what though, I knew that was going to happen.

Did you? You should have told me.

-I wouldn't have had to pay him in advance. -I did.

I just knew that he was the kind of guy who needed something challenging.

Yeah?

He was not a daft bloke really,

got a big future ahead of him, that sneggy.

It's a shame, though, 'cause he was the funniest guy.

Yeah, well, them's the breaks.

So any idea when the decision on this pigeon shit might come through?

All in good time, Tommy. Chill out.

Lighten up. Have a snack a Jack, have you tried them?

No, I haven't. I don't want one.

Anyway, look, that car pound job is a two-man job.

I couldn't let you have it without an assistant.

I've got one. Got a new guy.

Ooh, have you? You're a quick worker, aren't you?

So magz keeps telling us, mr in and out! [Chuckling]

Don't take any notice of me. So how is magz anyway, is she all right?

She's all right. Busy with the t-shirts.

Aw. She's a such a trooper, isn't she?

I'll tell you what, the great thing about magz is she's so bubbly.

Quite often are, aren't they?

She never complains, does she? No, she just gets on with it.

Well, yeah, she hasn't got that much to complain about.

Know what? I'll tell you who I bumped into the other day. Your ex-wife.

I know! I tell you what, though. She's lost a lot of weight.

She looked fantastic. I said to her, I said, "you must be in love."

I'll call you about the pigeon shoot tomorrow.

Oh. Don't say bye, will ya?

Gents.

I'm only the mug that's got to drive this thing.

Anthropomorphosising...

Do you know what it means?

-No. -Shall I tell you?

Yes. Okay, then.

The projecting of human form or personality

onto animals.

It's how Walt Disney made his stash.

Fair play to the guy.

You get called to an office. Cockroaches.

You put down a roach motel, two of them wander in.

Lethal spray. Endgame.

Uh-uh.

Some of the secretaries have put two of them in a jar, given them names.

Norman and Sheila. Heart-warming.

Your responsibility is to neutralise a threat to public health,

but now you've got three middle-aged administrative staff

standing between you and your objective. What do you do?

Well, it's a difficult decision, I suppose.

Major part of the job, ethical dilemmas. Clock's ticking.

-Uh, well... -No one there to help you.

I'm laying down flea powder at regency carpets. Non-contactable.

Well, if that's what they want in their own office...

I don't care if they've chosen the godparents,

if there are hazardous substances in the public domain,

we will deploy.

If you want to make friends, go work for mr Disney.

So... What do you do outside work?

What's your, er, "thang"?

I love cinema, going out with my mates, at weekends and that.

A mate of mine's a dj.

I help with the gear, we have a good laugh.

Plenty of moolah in the old dj-ing game.

If people aren't having birthdays, they're getting married.

So, you're never going to be short of a gig.

No, no, he wouldn't touch any of that stuff.

He does all-nighters,

he's getting really good, he's done creamfields trance stage

and he's starting to get bookings for ayia napa.

I call him the next oakenfold.

I think this is more than another job.

It is an opportunity that's there to be grabbed.

I think with all the training, experience, if you want to,

if you're ambitious, and driven, you wanna strike out on your own in a few years,

that's fine with me, dude.

You know, it's a career for life, if you...

If, you know...

I'll be honest. I was expecting somebody younger.

A lot of people think it's all about animal behaviour.

If you gen up on the biology you'll be able to do the job, yadda yadda yadda.

Anthropomorphosising?

It's a fascinating area.

And of course it could be argued that it was primarily a religious imperative

before it became a secular one.

Perceiving god as an old man, in the image of the human being.

Yeah, to be fair, it's a hot potato.

I mean, you know whichever way you look at it.

I think the important thing is not to confuse the theoretical

with the practical.

Well, I don't really see a huge contradiction.

This is why I really want to do this job.

Practical hands-on work.

My mate Adam's on the third year, he's likes lorenz,

whereas I'm into mendel really, and you get some really great debate.

I don't know where you stand on inheritance theory?

It's all right.

Welcome to the batcave. Grab a pew.

Nice t-shirt by the way. Any outfit that can

acknowledge its debt to iommi's fretwork

displays a knowledge of history and a respect for their elders.

Oh, right.

I see you work for warburton's, the bread guys.

What's the story?

I got the sack because they found vomit in

the storeroom and I got the blame, 'cause I'd been out the night before.

It wasn't me, it was the special-needs lad on work experience,

but I didn't say anything because he couldn't help it. He had a spastic stomach.

You took one for the team, kiddo, no shame in that.

Especially a guy with a retarded stomach. [Exhales]

Uh...

Anthropomorphosising?

It's not important.

How are you on American muscle cars?

-They're pretty cool, some of them. -Any particular favourite?

-Yeah, the trans am. -Ooh, you should have said mustang.

But don't worry, it won't count against you in the final decision.

-Okay, wicked. -Although using the word "wicked" might.

Oh...

Cool your jets, kiddo, I'm just yankin' your chain.

-Cash in hand, all right? -Yeah.

I don't think we need to involve the suits or the majesties.

I've forked out for enough royal weddings, thank you.

Let's say 180 a week,

rising to a big fat 200.

-Sounds good. -Right, there are benefits,

transport's provided, you're welcome to ride shotgun in the rascal.

Lunch is inclusive... Cheese and pickle, mighty white.

And you'll be provided with a brand new company Polo shirt which you are

welcome to wear outside of work, as it only benefits the company.

-It's PR. -Precisely.

-When I was at warburton's they told us about PR. -Great.

You may occasionally be asked to work additional hours,

although I dare say the company will stretch to

a cold bud or two by way of recompense.

-Sounds good. -Great. Welcome to the team.

Who else is working here?

It's just you and me. Keep it lean and mean.

We're gonna be clocking up quite a few hours in the rascal,

but I've fitted a blaupunkt system

so if you've got any sounds, please bring 'em along.

-Will do. -No dance bollocks.

If I wanna hear electronic bleeps and farts,

I'll put my foot through the windscreen of the rascal.

And listen to the alarm going off.

[Farting]

-Ooh! New shoes! -[Both laughing]

Come and meet the missus.

Raymond, this is magz, the little old lady.

What does that make you then? I've seen ball-bags with less wrinkles.

-I have to put up with this. -Magz: Can I get you a beer, Raymond?

Yeah, please.

-Need I ask? -No. You need not.

It was like this from the off.

I was married for about 20 years and that went tits up.

I thought, "I can sit here and blub like a babby or hit the road."

I took the 'stang down to the chilterns fm festival.

Well, summer fete,

to do the sound for their sweet dreams and blue jeans tent.

When in walks this goddess in a Pearl jam t-shirt.

-Tommy, where did you put the beer? -Shh, she's back.

I'll tell you though,

the first time we met, you clocked the "access-crew" stickers on my cable box,

-knebworth '79. -And I go, "wow, you were there?"

I said, "yeah, only a two-day hire assisting page's guitar tech.

"Seeing as you asked."

-Jimmy page? -Yeah.

I said, "listen, babe, I'm taking the 2k bass-bin

"down to the bon jovi convention in Bury st edmunds.

-"Split the petrol?" -He asked me split the petrol.

So? Then I offered her a slug of my Jack and coke.

And he said, "if you love me, you'll swallow it."

-You never did. -Afraid I did. Cuff me.

I'd only just met him and all.

She just sprays the lot over my mixing desk,

and damn near pisses herself.

I said, "you cheeky git,

"I'll spit this time, but take us out in your mustang and maybe I'll think about it!"

[Chuckling]

Seriously though, it is refreshing to meet a lady

who'll keep the politics out of having a good time.

You rock my world.

You rock my world too.

[Growls quietly]

What do you do, magz?

Um, I've got a shop.

And I sell t-shirts and posters.

And do my own designs, that kind of thing.

Wild stuff. Really wild stuff.

She's got this one, that's got like a nun smoking a joint.

Outrageous.

There's another one...

Both: Mona Lisa.

-Sucking on a big fat number. Really, er... -[Chuckling]

-What's the other one? -And the policeman.

-What's he doing? -He's smoking a joint.

Basically, loads of people you would never expect in a million years to be toking.

What's the shop called?

Both: It's called smash the system.

It's in the westgate centre, next to Clinton cards.

Okay.

So where's these beers, then?

Under the stairs.

That's a nice car, that.

Oh, yeah, there's a story about that, it was on display at the hitchin meet.

Tommy, where is it? I can't find it!

It's next to your thigh-length boots, under your nipple clamps.

Oh, I got it. It was in front of the strap-on dildo.

So is that the one Steve McQueen used in bullitt?

Spot on. Go to the top of the class.

'68 fastback. You know magz just mentioned the strap-on dildo.

We don't have one of those.

-She seems like a good laugh. -Yeah. When can you start?

I don't know. I'm looking for accommodation at the moment.

I was hoping you could start straight away.

-Well, he can stay in the box room. -Perfect.

Oh, I kind of wanted my own place, really.

You can't afford a flat, not on your wages!

Oh...

Finding your bearings, kiddo?

Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah.

If any of those posters bother you, just take them down, swap them.

Plenty in the box surplus.

Magz can't shift them. Kitten in a Brandy glass. Monkey in a sailor suit.

Ronan keating in his trunks. You get the picture.

You got a special lady in your life at the moment?

-No. -No worries.

Until one comes along, you can amuse yourself with that lot.

That's authentic '70s Danish material. Rodox.

Quite collectable, actually.

All fairly hirsute by today's standards, but all the bumps

and curves are in the right places.

Oh, okay, thanks.

Now I don't want you worrying about rent. All right?

So I thought if I hit you for 50 at source,

then the ton-thirty you've got left is safe. That's yours totally,

subject to magz's deductions for meals,

bed linen, et al.

If you wanna throw your money around at the chippy, it's your call, dude.

At warburtons, there was a chippy next door, and we ended up going there every day.

Well, that can eat into your profit margin.

I'd advise you to eat with myself and magz.

I always say she does a great toad in the hole.

And I'm not a bad cook either.

I know. I was saying that. And she's not a bad cook either.

I'll leave you in the capable hands of miss Copenhagen 1975.

Fill your boots. And if I can quote

the legendary command at rorke's drift, "fire at will."

By the way,

one of them looks like magz.

It's not her.

She wouldn't do anything like that.

I'll be happy to do that for you any day of the week that doesn't have a "y" in it.

I know, darling. Tell me about it. I know. Just remember, sweetheart,

what do they call the... [Whispering] One minute.

-Just remember, sweetheart. -Not trying to speak to her.

What do they call that useless bit of skin on the end of a penis?

A man, yeah.

I know.

Well, I got loads more where that came from.

Friday night, you'll hear the lot. Yeah. Me too.

-All right, darling. Speak to you then. -All right, Vicky?

-Any word on that pigeon job? -Who've you got here then, eh?

Don't be shy. I don't bite.

-Not unless I'm asked very nicely! -[Both chuckling]

Raymond, the new recruit.

Hello, Raymond. So, have you heard enough about the music business yet?

In the 1970s? Don't worry, you will.

So any news on that pigeon job?

Oh, listen to us, we shouldn't really, should we, he's not that bad.

Has there been a decision on the pigeon job?

Blimey, calm down, Tommy, love, I was just saying hello to the new recruit.

Haven't you ever heard of the slow build-up.

Not according to magz, he hasn't!

[Both laughing]

Oh, listen to us. We shouldn't, really, should we?

We're only kidding, Tommy, aren't we?

It doesn't bother me the... doesn't bother me in the slightest.

Raymond, would you wait in the Van, please?

It's technically illegal to leave it unattended

when there's hazardous chemicals on board.

Blimey, Tommy, new regime already? I knew that was gonna happen.

You should play the lottery, Vicky, you really should.

If you had a pound for every time you knew something was going to happen...

-What? What would I be doing? -Well, you wouldn't be

sub-contracting work for the pest control industry, that's for sure.

You'd probably be sitting in a karaoke bar in fuengirola.

And when, um, Rodriguez comes in and spills your

strawberry daiquiri all down your top, all down your boob tube,

you'll be able to say "I knew that was going to happen."

-[Thud] -Ow!

Me bad knee!

Do you know something, you're orange!

You're... [stutters] Physically orange.

You could work for the phone company... Orange!

Tommy, you've lost your temper.

Well, why do you muck about like that?

You know I'm the nearest independent operator, I've got a rifle licence.

Well, if it's about the job, why didn't you say?

I did say!

Blimey, Tommy, no need to lose your temper, if it's just about the job.

-If you want the job, just ask. -You know perfectly well

-I want that job. -Fine it's yours, have the job.

I was just trying to be sociable, just having a little chat.

Honestly, Tommy darling, you need to control your temper.

I know.

She makes me laugh.

She just makes me laugh.

Yeah, she does seem like a good laugh.

No, not intentionally. Bloody hell.

Get some sounds on.

[Music playing]

Okay, I'll run through this one more time.

I want you to assess the perimeter. In the event of a sighting,

you will make radio contact and say, "infestation located."

-Is that clear? -Yes.

Spread out.

What you doing?

I'm going this way.

Raymond, progress report?

[Over walkie-talkie] Yeah, I can't see any.

Infestation not located?

No, me neither.

No, that's what you say.

Oh, okay.

Well, say it, then.

Right. Infestation not located.

[Whispering] Jesus Christ.

[Exhaling]

Infestation located, please make yourself visible to the weapons operator.

Jesus Christ.

-Please ensure... -[Feedback whining]

Please ensure that you are directly... just stand behind me.

[Gunshot]

[Gunshot]

-Tommy? -I took no pleasure in that. It's an act of mercy.

Tommy, there's a lady here to see you.

Hi. Sorry to bother you. There are some animal rights protesters outside.

I'm not sure what to do.

Not a problem.

Just have to talk to them.

Come down to their level, show them you're not on a power trip.

Rifle.

Yeah, um...

Good work with the net, by the way.

We try to take them alive, but...

It's not always possible.

Here we go.

Drop the net, take the gun.

Point it down.

All right, people, what's occurring?

Oh, look, g.I. Joe.

-Do you like playing soldiers, do you, mate? -[Chuckling]

The hat protects me from guano and the protective specs are for shrapnel from air pellets.

You wanna be careful with that, have someone's eye out.

If you enjoy killing so much, why don't you join the army?

-Don't like the hours. -Listen to me, it ain't fair.

Shooting pigeons. I mean, they ain't got a gun, have they?

Well, I don't have wings and I don't shit on other people's property.

Well, you do daft things as a student, don't you?

What if I decided that you needed culling? Eh? What's the difference then?

Well, if you don't let me make the point,

it is very difficult to clarify something.

-You just wave that knife around. -Is it? Go away.

-[Fabric ripping] -Ouch.

Oh, that's interesting.

-What? -I am now legally

entitled to use reasonable force in proportionate response.

What does that mean?

-Oh, fuck. -Well, just that I suppose.

-Anybody else want to ask me what that means? -[Groans]

Hucknall?

Have any of you ever actually had to pay rent?

Ooh... feel the silence.

And you can stop whining. I could have used the high-velocity rifle.

Call me ming the merciful.

You'll have a bit of bruising, for a couple of days, pop some calamine lotion on it,

and in the words of verhoeven's robocop,

"stay out of trouble, and my face."

And don't bother bearing false witnesses. You're on cctv. Smile.

One love.

Give me the gun. Take the net.

Magz... I've done it again.