Original subtitles

(menacing foreboding music)

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

(exciting unsettling music)

(liquid gurgling)

(man screaming)

(door opening)

- Movie time and you can't have movies without snackies.

What am I gonna get, what am I gonna get?

I love snackies!

Mm, so many choices.

So many choices.

Ooh.

Oh, I know I could have everything.

I know I could grab everything I want.

But I gotta watch my girlish figure.

And I just don't know.

What's the thing?

Chippies, peanut butter, cereal.

Could down a whole bottle of hot sauce

and some peanut butter?

Maybe.

No, that's too strange.

Probably some popcorny.

Mm-hm.

(wrapper rustling)

Definitely, definitely this popcorn.

This is good.

Maybe the peanut butter.

Maybe some olives.

No, I'll start with, I'll start with just the popcorn.

Just the popcorn for now.

And then something to drink.

Gotta go somewhere else for that though.

(door opening)

♪ I got myself my popcorn ♪

I'm starting to think that maybe I want some sweet treats.

No, this will be good.

I gotta, I gotta keep my figure in check.

So let's see here.

What we gonna get for a drink?

Just some plane old la chuga.

I know they call it, actually, it's called agua,

but I like calling it la chuga.

(foreboding menacing music)

(foreboding music continues)

(foreboding music continues)

(foreboding music continues)

(foreboding music continues)

(door creaking)

Ooh.

My DVD and Blue-ray dojo.

My sanctuary!

So many movies everywhere.

But tonight, I think I'm just gonna watch TV.

I'm gonna channel surf and find, I'm sure I'm gonna find

the most perfect thing to watch.

Like maybe a strange movie or a horror movie, anything.

It's gonna be mysterious for me tonight.

Sorry, DVDs and Blue-rays, I'm not watching you tonight.

I'm watching the, the TV.

So I'm gonna find something.

Oh, I'm living.

- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

And welcome to "Terror Telly."

What was that?

A ghost in the air, perhaps a witch's spell.

Tonight, I, your hideous host,

Maurice Morbid, wish to delight you

with some fantastic films you've never seen before.

To start our evening,

I will greet you with a beautiful tale,

"Fiendish Thieves," a tale of two bungling burglars

who go into an old scientific warehouse

and find much more than they bargained for.

(Maurice laughing sinisterly)

(ominous music)

(lively '80s club music)

(lively '80s club music continues)

(lively '80s club music continues)

(lively '80s club music continues)

(footsteps approaching)

- [Steve] Ted, bloody cold in here.

- [Ted] When we get to the top,

we're in good stead.

We're gonna be treated with a log fire.

A nice cup of hot chocolate.

- [Steve] Oh, I love hot chocolate.

- [Ted] I know you do.

Steve, in case you hadn't noticed, all (indistinct)

break in, not (indistinct).

- [Steve] There'll be no hot chocolate then?

- [Ted] No, no, no.

- [Steve] Or the York chocolate?

- [Ted] What are we doing here?

It's called a burglary.

The whole point is we break in.

Steal what we need to steal.

And then get out of there.

There's no hot chocolate.

And there ain't no marshmallows.

- [Steve] Or maybe that (indistinct).

So, Ted, what is this?

- [Ted] Some kind of science warehouse or something.

- [Steve] What is it we're supposed to be stealing?

- [Ted] Have you not listened to a word (indistinct)

when he delivered our brief?

We're meant to be stealing a rare-rated pocket watch.

Apparently, it's worth millions.

- [Steve] Pocket watch?

But pocket watch is like really small.

- Well, the clue in the name.

- So how are we meant to find tiny, little pocket watch?

There's (indistinct).

- You look up there (indistinct).

They gave us a map.

- I, I thought you said this place

had been abandoned for years.

So how is it then that Big Tom knows it's still there?

And how is it that he's given you

a map to show you where it is.

And how is it if he knows where it is,

he don't come here... Stop.

With all the questions.

We got a job to do.

Let's get on and do it.

- All right.

(foreboding menacing music)

(foreboding menacing music continues)

(foreboding menacing music continues)

(foreboding menacing music continues)

(foreboding menacing music continues)

(vacuous humming)

Creepy this, isn't it?

It is quite fun though, it's like,

it's like being in "Scooby-Doo," isn't it?

You know, it's like, like, like I'm Shaggy.

And you're, you're Scooby, and.

No, probably you'd be Shaggy, yeah.

I'd be, be, like, "Shaggy."

And all that kind of stuff, you know what I mean?

And... Don't you ever shut up?

- No, sorry, I, I'm nervous.

And when I get nervous, my mouth runs away with me.

And I just can't stop talking.

There's (indistinct).

That.

- That's all.

- I'll shut up. - Yes.

- Sorry.

(Steve speaking indistinctly)

Ted, Ted, you stored your lamp.

(foreboding unsettling music)

(foreboding unsettling music continues)

(foreboding unsettling music continues)

- Come to think of it, ladies and gentlemen,

this is the very film that made me, I, Maurice Morbid

scared of staircases.

(bag rustling)

- Ready, everyone, you ready?

(hooting like a chimp)

Ugh, dammit.

Okay, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Come on, Shawn C., you can do this, come on, come on.

Oh, yes.

I got it figured out, I have got it figured out.

I have everything figured out here.

Come on, come on, can you do it again, Shawn C.?

Can you do it again?

Aw, dang.

All right, come on, come on, come on.

Try again, try again.

Everyone, you watching?

Ooh, yes.

Ooh, yes.

(foreboding unsettling music)

(foreboding unsettling music continues)

(foreboding unsettling music continues)

(static hissing)

(items rattling)

- [Ted] I found (indistinct) here.

- What, what? - You've been using

my toothpaste again, haven't ya?

- No. - Yes you have.

- No. - It was squeezed

in the middle this morning.

- No. - Yeah.

It was squeezed in the middle.

I always roll it up.

And just squeeze it from one end.

And this morning when I went in there,

it was squeezed in the middle.

So have you been using my toothpaste?

- [Steve] Well, I had one, one squeeze.

- [Ted] What does it matter whether it's one squeeze,

two squeeze, three squeeze, you've been using my toothpaste.

Don't use my toothpaste.

It's my toothpaste.

You got your own toothpaste.

It's right next to my toothpaste.

- [Steve] But it was only one-

- [Ted] It doesn't matter how many squeezes.

Don't use it.

(items rattling)

- [Steve] Only one squeeze.

(metal scraping)

- You know something?

These burglars are pretty darn stupid.

If I, I was a bungling burglar,

I would bungle better and faster than these burglars.

Just look at them, aren't they a disgrace,

ladies and gentlemen?

Yes, bungle, you burglars.

Bungle, why don't you?

I can't believe these people are paid more than me.

It's a disgrace.

I'm going to complain to my agent.

- This is ridiculous.

What are you?

(foreboding unsettling music)

(foreboding unsettling music continues)

(foreboding unsettling music continues)

(water spraying)

- [Steve] Which (indistinct), where'd you hear that?

Found it, it was disgusting out back.

- [Ted] What, for stealing?

(foreboding unsettling music)

(foreboding unsettling music continues)

(foreboding unsettling music continues)

(foreboding unsettling music continues)

(foreboding unsettling music continues)

(foreboding unsettling music continues)

(Maurice cackling)

- I'm getting kind of freaked out here.

(bag rustling)

(Sean crunching)

- Mm-hm, mm-hm, woo woo.

I like cheese pop pop pop popcorn.

I like cheese pop pop pop popcorn, I like cheese popcorn.

Yeah oh.

I like cheese popcorn.

(items rattling)

- [Steve] Here, Ted.

Well, (indistinct).

Little bit thirsty.

- [Ted] Well, there's a sink here.

- [Steve] All right.

Oh my, oh!

Ooh, oh, that's disgusting, oh no, no.

(Ted laughing)

Oh my, oh no.

Here, Ted.

Ted, Ted?

Ted?

Ted!

(disembodied grumbling)

(Steve speaking indistinctly)

Ted?

Ted!

(foreboding unsettling music)

Ted?

Ted?

Ted!

(foreboding unsettling music continues)

Ted?

Ted?

Ted!

(foreboding unsettling music continues)

Ted?

Ted?

Ted!

Ted?

Ted?

Ted!

(foreboding unsettling music continues)

(disembodied grumbling)

Ted, Ted!

(foreboding unsettling music continues)

Where are you?

It's bloody dark in here!

We... Oh, oh!

Oh, Ted, don't do that, all right.

Oh. - Oh, I wasn't expecting that!

- Come on, don't go in there!

You know that's the wrong.

Come on now.

Come on.

This is just absurd.

Come on.

You know, you know better than that.

Come on.

Are you really doing that?

(foreboding unsettling music)

(foreboding unsettling music continues)

(bag rustling)

Oh man.

Ooh, I feel some air coming.

Ooh, not a burp.

Not a burp.

Not a burp.

(Sean farting)

Ooh, oh, ripe one, ripe one.

Ooh, ooh.

Oh, I usually like my own brand, but woo.

Ripe, ooh, stinky.

Oh, that might've been wet, might.

Might've been wet, might've been wet, might've been wet.

Oh, I think it was wet.

Uh-oh.

Oh, well.

Come on.

(foreboding unsettling music)

(foreboding unsettling music continues)

Getting myself a little scared here, myself.

Getting a little freaked out.

No.

(Sean munching)

Dripping.

(Sean crunching)

- [Steve] So, Ted.

Which way do we go now then?

- [Ted] Well, we're map on.

- Fine. - Hold that.

- [Steve] All right.

- [Ted] Well, I can't, can't really see in this light.

Use your head. - Eh?

- Use your head! - Oh, here.

- [Ted] Other way.

(Ted grumbling)

It's that way. - The subway?

- [Ted] No, it's definitely that way.

- That way. - This way.

- [Steve] Ted?

Here, Ted, hold up, Ted!

- Don't go, no, no, no, don't go in there.

Don't go in there.

Oh no, don't, come on, come on.

You don't wanna go in there.

You know you don't.

(wood banging)

- Well, according to that map,

watch is in here somewhere.

- Here, Ted, what's that?

- Table.

- Sun Mary.

And I look (indistinct) too scary.

- The table? - No, not at the table.

The body, that's one of them there past the tables.

You go lift that, that cover, there'll be all sorts

of blood and guts, and maggots over there.

Don't make me (indistinct).

- You're a wuss.

- Oh, (indistinct).

(plastic rustling)

Well, well?

What is it?

- Well.

It's ah,

it's um,

it's, it's blue.

- Here, it says here deck, deck, decadid?

- [Ted] Deceased.

- Morovian sea creature.

- [Ted] It's one of them there.

Oh (indistinct).

- Google it. - I ain't got a signal,

have I?

(Steve speaking indistinctly)

- Uh, Morovian. - Uh, Mooroovian.

Moroovian.

(both grunting indistinctly)

- [Ted] We need to get some lights on, is all.

- Marovian. - Maroovian.

(Ted speaking indistinctly)

- [Ted] Here, some switches in here.

Probably a light.

That'd be handy, wouldn't it?

Since you're scared of the dark.

- [Steve] Here, Ted, I found something.

(electricity buzzing)

How you getting on with that?

(Ted grunting)

(electricity buzzing continues)

(Ted grunting continues)

(electricity buzzing continues)

(Ted grunting continues)

(Ted grunting continues)

(electricity buzzing continues)

(electricity buzzing continues)

(Ted grunting continues)

(phone ringing)

- Disturbing my movie.

Hello?

Oh hey, Steve.

Steve, this is not the time for this.

I'm watching this outstanding movie.

This, I don't have time for this.

What do you want?

No, you're not borrowing any of my movies.

Quit calling and asking about

borrowing my DVDs and Blue-rays.

I know I've got thousands and thousands of 'em.

I'm a hoarder and I don't want you taking 'em.

You know what you do?

You grab the out-of-print ones, you grab the rare ones.

You always come in here looking for the rarest things

you can find like "Camp Cucamonga,"

and all that kind of stuff,

and trying to get my rare movies.

And you know what you do, you never bring 'em back.

And you know what I bet you do with them?

I bet you're flipping 'em online.

I bet you're making big profits off my movies.

So no, you're not borrowing any of my movies.

So sorry, okay?

Leave me alone.

I'm watching TV, I'm watching TV,

and I'm enjoying some popcorn and some la chuga.

So leave me alone, good-bye.

This is my time, my time to watch TV and chill out.

Back to the movie.

(Ted grunting) (electricity buzzing)

(Ted grunting continues)

(electricity buzzing continues)

(electricity buzzing continues)

(Ted grunting continues)

(Ted grunting continues)

(electricity buzzing continues)

(creature groaning)

- The watch.

Okay.

Here, Ted, I found it.

Look at that, that's much nicer

than I thought it was gonna be.

We'll (indistinct) with that.

(Ted grunting) (minimal foreboding music)

Yeah I know.

Your speech (indistinct) scared of the dark, (indistinct)

the prize, yeah, I know.

(Ted grunting)

Repeat?

(Ted grunting)

Yeah, (indistinct).

Marovian.

(Ted grunting)

(Steve screaming)

(female creature screaming)

(Steve screaming)

(female creature screaming)

(Steve screaming)

- What the hell was that?

- That was (indistinct).

- Where's the bloody watch?

- Well, well, well, I dropped it.

- Well, get it.

(Steve stammering)

- No, no, I'm too bloody scared, I won't do it.

- Go and get it, it's just a person with a bloody face.

You're not gonna get hurt.

- No, I'm not gonna do it.

I don't wanna do it, I'm too scared.

- I'll buy ya, I'll buy ya, I'll buy ya a hot chocolate.

Dude, 10 hot chocolates.

- No, you could stuff your hot chocolate

and your marshmallows, I won't do it, (indistinct).

- Go on, go and get it, 'cause otherwise

Big Tom's gonna have (indistinct).

(Steve yelling indistinctly)

- Big Tom, we go in there without them,

you think they'd care.

I'm not doing it, (indistinct).

- I'll go and get it then.

(Ted chuckling)

(creature screaming)

(Ted screaming)

(creature screaming) (Ted whimpering)

- Boss?

(Ted screaming)

(both screaming) (foreboding music continues)

(minimal foreboding music continues)

(minimal foreboding music continues)

(minimal foreboding music continues)

- Dang it.

This is the second time this week!

Where are you now?

I'm sick of it, you're mine!

I created you and this is how you repay me?

I'm gonna find you, I'm gonna find you!

You're gonna regret it!

(minimal foreboding music continues)

(doctor crying)

Where's my baby, where's my baby?

(doctor sobbing)

And I can't be (indistinct).

(doctor yelling indistinctly)

You think you've had it hard before?

You've had nothing, okay?

When I find you, I'm gonna remove your sweet, little heads.

And I'm gonna take back your bodies

and I'm gonna give it to somebody who appreciates the work

that I've done!

I'm a genius!

I created life and you've done nothing

except bugger off like a couple of teenagers!

In love!

(doctor yelling indistinctly)

Where are you!

(minimal foreboding music continues)

(doctor speaking indistinctly)

Where, (doctor speaking indistinctly)?

We were supposed to do!

You're mine!

(doctor screaming indistinctly)

One last turn!

(doctor screaming indistinctly)

And if you come out, (indistinct).

One, two, three,

Drat.

(doctor screaming)

- Thank you for tuning in tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

You know something?

It reminds me of a time

when I was a star.

I would see the double features

in the cinemas, and I would be in both films

for four and a half, sometimes, hours.

They would stare at I, Maurice Morbid.

I could see their faces contort in hideous terror

as they watched the beautiful macabre performance

on their very screens.

I remember the crying, the tears of children

as their parents ran in terror out of the theater.

But to us,

I have been replaced by these rubes,

gosh darn posers, all of them.

Think they can act, anyway.

One day, ladies and gentlemen, I will be back.

Yes, I will be back.

But until then, you will catch me here every night

from 9:00 PM on "Terror Telly."

(lively '80s club music)

(lively '80s club music continues)

(lively '80s club music continues)

(lively '80s club music continues)

Tonight, unlike our normal fair,

we have a fantastic feature film for you.

I bet you've been looking forward to it.

Many have for decades.

This is one of Nikolai Boxkovski's most famous works.

"I Drink Tea and Watch You Die Slowly."

(man groaning)

(man groaning continues)

(man groaning continues)

(man groaning continues)

(man groaning continues)

A film which saddens me greatly.

It is a film

about the horrible caffeinated beverage addiction

which plagued the United Kingdom of Great Britain

and Northern Ireland for decades.

(man groaning)

(distant gulls squawking)

(distant gulls squawking)

Yes, yes, the film is so mesmerizingly brilliant

that one can barely escape

the hold it gets over you.

(lively '80s club music)

(lively '80s club music continues)

- All right, one more piece.

Well, time to get outta here.

Back to the real world of life.

Bye, DVDs, bye, Blue-rays.

(wood squeaking)

I really do have the life.

I really do have the life.

Yes, now what to do now.

I go to sleep.

(unsettling foreboding music)

(unsettling foreboding music continues)

(unsettling foreboding music continues)

(unsettling foreboding music continues)

(unsettling foreboding music continues)

(unsettling foreboding music continues)

(unsettling foreboding music continues)

- As you can see, ladies and gentlemen,

the film is, it's, it's something that was made.

How much am I getting paid for this again?

- [Speaker 1] Uh, not very much.

- Can you gimme a figure?

- [Speaker 1] Eh, 20 P.

- Well, you know what, this is about average

for a drama degree student in the United Kingdom.

So, um, I guess I'll take it.