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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:58,058 --> 00:01:00,647 O'Donnell, save something for the game. 2 00:01:01,228 --> 00:01:02,814 I'm just warming up, coach. 3 00:01:02,980 --> 00:01:05,482 Just talked to the scout again. He's coming tonight. 4 00:01:05,649 --> 00:01:07,901 You play half the game I know you're capable of... 5 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,279 ...he's prepared to offer you a full scholarship. 6 00:01:10,696 --> 00:01:13,490 Free ride to college and the world's your oyster, kid. 7 00:01:14,950 --> 00:01:15,993 Thanks, coach. 8 00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:19,788 All right, jockstraps, let's gather up. Picture time. 9 00:01:19,955 --> 00:01:21,248 Try not to break the camera. 10 00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:24,918 We gotta hang on. Ned's not here yet. 11 00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,670 Who cares? He's the water boy. 12 00:01:26,837 --> 00:01:29,173 That doesn't matter, because he's part of the team. 13 00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:31,842 Sorry I'm late! Sorry I'm late! 14 00:01:33,969 --> 00:01:35,679 But what kind of Dungeon Master would I be... 15 00:01:35,846 --> 00:01:39,057 ...if I left my party in the middle of a battle with a hippogriff? 16 00:01:39,224 --> 00:01:41,143 Check it out, it's Merlin the Girlin. 17 00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:46,982 Um, Ned, Ned, look, I'm your best friend, all right, and I'll always have your back. 18 00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:50,068 But there's only so much I can do when you show up in a dress. 19 00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:53,488 O'Donnell. How about you and Boy George join us for this picture? 20 00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:55,240 - Yep. Yep. - Just one sec. 21 00:01:56,241 --> 00:01:59,203 Give the little guy the sign, please. Here we are. 22 00:01:59,369 --> 00:02:01,038 Nice, guys. Scoot up in back. 23 00:02:01,205 --> 00:02:04,082 Come on, you gotta look pretty for the ladies, right? Come on. 24 00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:07,377 Yeah. Let's do it. Three, two, one. 25 00:03:18,949 --> 00:03:20,284 Hey, Vanilla Ice. 26 00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:23,287 We got a game here. Let's bring it in. 27 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:27,624 Man, I had to. I had to. 28 00:03:27,791 --> 00:03:29,376 Oh, man, over there. 29 00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:34,756 Who is that stone-cold fox? 30 00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:38,302 Oh, it's my girlfriend. 31 00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:40,888 Take no prisoners, bro. 32 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:44,474 - Oh, hey, there's my girl. - Hey. 33 00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:48,645 I'm glad you're here, Scar. This whole scout thing has me wicked nervous. 34 00:03:48,812 --> 00:03:51,648 I just feel like my whole future's riding on this game. 35 00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:55,068 Yeah. Yeah, I know how you feel. 36 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:57,237 Yeah? Is eve�ything...? Everything's cool, right? 37 00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:59,656 Oh, yeah. Everything's totally copacetic. 38 00:03:59,823 --> 00:04:01,408 - Totally? - Totally. 39 00:04:01,992 --> 00:04:03,160 O'Donnell. 40 00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:05,746 I gotta go. See you. 41 00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:15,172 You okay? 42 00:04:16,048 --> 00:04:17,090 Uh, uh... 43 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,512 - We can talk about it later. - No. Just tell me. 44 00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:23,430 It's your big night. Go enjoy it. 45 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:26,433 I can't enjoy it unless you tell me what's going on. 46 00:04:27,351 --> 00:04:28,852 Okay. 47 00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:30,896 Um... 48 00:04:51,834 --> 00:04:53,001 O'Donnell! 49 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,399 Wake up! 50 00:05:15,566 --> 00:05:16,733 O'Donnell! 51 00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:20,320 What are you doing? 52 00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,901 Scar! Scar, hey. 53 00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:00,110 Hey, Scarlet. 54 00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:03,822 - Hey, hey. Hey, what are you doing? - Mike, what are you doing? 55 00:06:03,989 --> 00:06:06,950 Look, you and me, we're in this together, okay? 56 00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:10,621 - But the game. That's your future. - No, the baby's my future. 57 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,956 - That's crazy. - You're my future. 58 00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:16,210 I can't let you throw this all away. I won't let you. 59 00:07:03,715 --> 00:07:06,593 Thank you for letting me stay here, Ned. 60 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,513 Oh, yeah. No problem. 61 00:07:11,390 --> 00:07:14,518 - You good on the Cap'n? - I'm good on the Captain. 62 00:07:18,522 --> 00:07:20,190 Hey, Mike? 63 00:07:20,858 --> 00:07:24,695 Mike, I can tell you're down, but trust me on this. 64 00:07:24,862 --> 00:07:27,531 You're looking at Scarlet kicking you out of the house... 65 00:07:27,698 --> 00:07:31,994 ...and the kids wanting nothing to do with you as a negative, when in fact... 66 00:07:35,581 --> 00:07:38,041 - I guess it's mostly negative, isn't it? - Well, yeah. 67 00:07:38,208 --> 00:07:40,377 I had no upside for that. 68 00:07:41,044 --> 00:07:43,547 Hey! You're getting that big promotion today, right? 69 00:07:43,714 --> 00:07:45,382 Yes. Yes, I am. 70 00:07:45,549 --> 00:07:48,218 Today everything turns around for me. 71 00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:50,179 Knock them dead. 72 00:07:51,555 --> 00:07:53,098 I love you! 73 00:08:06,904 --> 00:08:08,405 So anyway... 74 00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:10,574 ...the way corporate wants us to spin it... 75 00:08:10,741 --> 00:08:13,744 ...is that maybe, in certain situations... 76 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:17,372 ...a four-hour erection isn't such a terrible thing. 77 00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:20,584 Okay. Next up: 78 00:08:20,751 --> 00:08:25,005 As most of you know, today I am proud to be naming our new regional sales manager. 79 00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:26,757 - Here we go. - You know... 80 00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:32,763 ...l've been in the pharmaceutical game for almost two years now... 81 00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:36,225 ...and people always ask me: "What's it take to be an RSM?" 82 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,101 Leadership. 83 00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:40,938 Courage. 84 00:08:41,939 --> 00:08:43,440 Integrity. 85 00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:48,403 But most importantly, dedication to this company. 86 00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:51,949 So congratulations. Mike. 87 00:08:52,783 --> 00:08:57,287 Mike, if you could slide to your left so I can congratulate our new RSM, Wendy! 88 00:08:57,454 --> 00:08:59,581 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 89 00:09:01,625 --> 00:09:04,294 Go out there and push some pills, my peeps. 90 00:09:04,503 --> 00:09:05,921 Good job, baby! 91 00:09:06,964 --> 00:09:08,966 Bye-bye, thanks. 92 00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:11,593 See you at practice. Mmm. 93 00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:17,182 Mike. What's crack-a-lacking, coz? 94 00:09:17,349 --> 00:09:20,602 Well, I'll tell you what's crack-a-lacking. Are you kidding me? 95 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:24,481 Wendy's been here two months. I've been here 16 years. 96 00:09:24,648 --> 00:09:26,316 I got the best numbers on the team. 97 00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:28,819 You should think of it as a compliment. 98 00:09:28,986 --> 00:09:34,074 Think of it as us saying, "You're just too valuable to promote." 99 00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:36,827 - You little... - Shh, shh, shh, hello? 100 00:09:36,994 --> 00:09:39,997 Hey, buddy. No, no, no, I got time. 101 00:09:40,164 --> 00:09:44,334 Ha. I know, right? Look, listen, she was my doubles par... 102 00:09:49,214 --> 00:09:52,926 So many girls and only one promotion, but you guys are so supportive. 103 00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:55,345 - But, Wendy, you did it. - Thank you. 104 00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:58,265 Wendy! Wendy! Wendy! 105 00:09:58,432 --> 00:10:00,767 You guys! OMG. 106 00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:05,022 Oh, and it gets better, because we are going to T.G.I. Friday's! 107 00:10:05,189 --> 00:10:06,648 - Shut up! - Aah! 108 00:11:13,257 --> 00:11:15,050 Mike O'Donnell. 109 00:11:17,928 --> 00:11:19,096 Do I know you? 110 00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,598 No. But I know you. 111 00:11:22,266 --> 00:11:23,559 Oh, yeah? 112 00:11:24,226 --> 00:11:27,896 High school star. Never quite lived up to your potential. 113 00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:32,484 Sooner or later you all come back to the old school. 114 00:11:32,651 --> 00:11:36,113 Stand there and look at the picture of the glory days... 115 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,615 ...wondering what might have been. 116 00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:41,952 Seems to me you guys are living in the past. 117 00:11:42,786 --> 00:11:45,330 Well, of course I want to live in the past. 118 00:11:45,497 --> 00:11:47,082 It was better there. 119 00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:51,962 I'll bet you wish you had it to do all over again. 120 00:11:52,588 --> 00:11:55,007 Huh. You got that right. 121 00:11:57,718 --> 00:11:59,136 You're sure about that? 122 00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:02,014 Oh, yeah. 123 00:12:03,015 --> 00:12:05,392 - Dad. - Hi, Mr. O'Donnell. 124 00:12:06,143 --> 00:12:08,061 - Ladies. - What are you doing here? 125 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,147 Oh, I was just talking to... 126 00:12:11,023 --> 00:12:12,482 ...nobody. 127 00:12:13,692 --> 00:12:17,487 Doesn't matter. I got off work early, and I thought we could get ice cream. 128 00:12:18,822 --> 00:12:20,032 Together? 129 00:12:20,991 --> 00:12:23,827 - Why? - Just go get your brother, okay? 130 00:12:25,871 --> 00:12:27,164 Do you need anything else? 131 00:12:27,331 --> 00:12:28,957 No, we're fine. 132 00:12:33,045 --> 00:12:35,506 What's the matter? This used to be your favorite place. 133 00:12:35,672 --> 00:12:38,675 - We used to come here for your birthday. - When I was, like, 8. 134 00:12:46,141 --> 00:12:49,186 So, Al, basketball season's coming up. 135 00:12:49,353 --> 00:12:50,395 - You ready? - Yeah. 136 00:12:50,562 --> 00:12:52,356 - Been working on that outside shot? - Mm-hm. 137 00:12:52,523 --> 00:12:53,649 - Passing? - Good. 138 00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:55,442 - Dribbling? - Really good. 139 00:12:55,609 --> 00:12:57,528 Good's not going to get you a scholarship. 140 00:12:57,694 --> 00:13:00,364 I meant, it's great. It's great, Dad. It's great. 141 00:13:00,531 --> 00:13:02,950 That's my boy. Remember, it's not how big you are. 142 00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:04,159 It's how big you play. 143 00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:05,744 Right up here. 144 00:13:06,245 --> 00:13:08,622 Uh, Maggie got into Georgetown. 145 00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:11,124 Maggie, that's awesome. 146 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,710 Can you turn down the? 147 00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:34,106 Okay, guys, see you soon. 148 00:13:35,566 --> 00:13:40,070 Love you. Nice chatting with you. 149 00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:56,587 What the hell are you doing? 150 00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:00,174 Hey, that's my stuff. 151 00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:05,888 Why are you destroying our yard? 152 00:14:06,054 --> 00:14:08,098 It's not our yard. It's my yard, remember? 153 00:14:08,807 --> 00:14:12,186 You took the road not taken. And I get the yard. 154 00:14:16,607 --> 00:14:19,026 I'm going to turn it into a showpiece for my clients. 155 00:14:19,193 --> 00:14:22,404 - Clients of what? - Landscape design. 156 00:14:22,571 --> 00:14:23,780 Landscape design? 157 00:14:23,947 --> 00:14:26,283 I'm going to show people what I can do. 158 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:31,455 Yeah, well, the divorce isn't final for another two weeks, so you have no right. 159 00:14:31,622 --> 00:14:35,792 Really? So I've spent the last 18 years of my life listening to you whine... 160 00:14:35,959 --> 00:14:39,213 ...about the things you could've done without me, and I have no right? 161 00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:42,591 - It's just I put a lot of work into this yard. - Did you? 162 00:14:42,758 --> 00:14:45,135 Really? Like the barbeque pit? 163 00:14:45,302 --> 00:14:46,553 Yeah. 164 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:50,807 Yeah. The way I remember that is that you spent about an hour working on it... 165 00:14:50,974 --> 00:14:54,770 ...and then you spent the next two days complaining about... 166 00:14:54,937 --> 00:14:57,981 ...if you had gone to college, you could've hired someone to do it. 167 00:14:58,148 --> 00:15:01,401 - I don't think it was a whole two days. - Or the hammock over here. 168 00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:02,653 Yeah. 169 00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:06,907 I think you quit that one because you just decided not to try anymore. 170 00:15:07,074 --> 00:15:09,701 Look, try to see things from my point of view. 171 00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:12,579 I am extremely disappointed with my life. 172 00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:14,498 I never asked you to marry me. 173 00:15:14,665 --> 00:15:15,999 Yeah, but I did. 174 00:15:19,753 --> 00:15:21,046 Well... 175 00:15:22,256 --> 00:15:25,467 ...you don't have to do me any more favors, then. 176 00:15:25,634 --> 00:15:28,095 We're not going to hold each other back anymore, okay? 177 00:15:28,303 --> 00:15:31,807 - Scar... - I'll see you at court, okay? At the trial. 178 00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:33,308 Scarlet. 179 00:15:33,475 --> 00:15:34,518 Naomi! 180 00:15:34,685 --> 00:15:36,687 - You came. - Of course I came. 181 00:15:36,854 --> 00:15:40,232 What bridesmaid would I be if I didn't hold your hand during the divorce? 182 00:15:40,399 --> 00:15:44,111 Now, just remember. The first one's always the hardest. 183 00:15:44,278 --> 00:15:45,612 - Mike. - Naomi. 184 00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:47,155 - Naomi. - I don't care. 185 00:15:47,322 --> 00:15:50,450 Let's get going. We got to get you ready. Back on the market. 186 00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:51,827 Yeah, I'm a real catch. 187 00:15:51,994 --> 00:15:56,039 Single mom with two teenage kids and manure caked under my fingernails. 188 00:15:56,206 --> 00:15:58,667 You'll do great. You got the butt of a 12-year-old boy. 189 00:15:58,834 --> 00:16:01,128 That's terrific. I hope our daughter heard that. 190 00:16:01,295 --> 00:16:03,839 Ugh. When was the last time you waxed? 191 00:16:08,093 --> 00:16:09,678 Bye, Mike. 192 00:16:15,058 --> 00:16:16,393 Bye. 193 00:16:47,674 --> 00:16:49,384 You're sure about that? 194 00:16:59,728 --> 00:17:01,271 Jesus. 195 00:17:14,243 --> 00:17:16,411 Hey! Get off of there! 196 00:17:31,468 --> 00:17:33,637 Oh, no. Hello? 197 00:17:34,471 --> 00:17:37,182 Hello?! Hello?! 198 00:17:44,606 --> 00:17:46,316 What the? 199 00:17:50,571 --> 00:17:53,031 Oh, no! 200 00:18:39,620 --> 00:18:41,663 Oh, man. 201 00:18:45,709 --> 00:18:47,169 Ned? 202 00:18:47,503 --> 00:18:48,712 Thief! 203 00:18:48,879 --> 00:18:52,299 No, no, no, Ned! Ned, no, no, no! It's me! 204 00:18:56,970 --> 00:18:59,431 Stop! Stop! 205 00:19:05,062 --> 00:19:06,438 Ned? 206 00:19:09,650 --> 00:19:12,486 Oh, wow. I feel great. 207 00:19:13,904 --> 00:19:15,072 Ha, ha. 208 00:19:18,075 --> 00:19:19,493 What are you doing? No, Ned. 209 00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:22,746 - Aah! Aah! - No. 210 00:19:25,749 --> 00:19:27,584 No, no, no, Ned! 211 00:19:37,427 --> 00:19:40,389 Ned! Come on! It's me, it's Mike! 212 00:19:45,060 --> 00:19:48,772 Ned, Ned, Ned, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, stop it! Stop it! Now! 213 00:19:50,148 --> 00:19:51,441 Oh. 214 00:19:51,608 --> 00:19:53,277 An elegant weapon... 215 00:19:53,443 --> 00:19:55,904 ...from a more civilized time. 216 00:20:01,285 --> 00:20:04,371 Hey, it's me! It's Mike O'Donnell, your best friend! 217 00:20:06,123 --> 00:20:07,958 You have an undescended testicle. 218 00:20:08,667 --> 00:20:10,460 Googleable! 219 00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:11,837 Ned! 220 00:20:13,338 --> 00:20:15,799 You helped me cheat on my math test, but I got caught. 221 00:20:16,341 --> 00:20:18,051 Public record! 222 00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:28,562 You asked Princess Leia to junior prom. 223 00:20:29,688 --> 00:20:31,148 Covered by the local news. 224 00:20:38,780 --> 00:20:40,908 I can't breathe! I can't breathe! 225 00:20:45,162 --> 00:20:46,163 Please. 226 00:20:46,330 --> 00:20:47,748 - Oh! - Ha, ha! 227 00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:51,627 Oh, my God. 228 00:20:53,253 --> 00:20:54,922 No, no, no. 229 00:20:55,088 --> 00:20:56,632 Ned, Ned. 230 00:20:58,008 --> 00:20:59,593 Oh, my God. 231 00:21:11,313 --> 00:21:14,316 Would you stop staring at me? 232 00:21:15,150 --> 00:21:17,528 - It's freaking me out. - It's freaking me out! 233 00:21:17,694 --> 00:21:19,655 I'm pubescent! 234 00:21:23,492 --> 00:21:26,537 Okay. So, uh... 235 00:21:26,703 --> 00:21:28,539 ...it's a classic transformation story. 236 00:21:28,997 --> 00:21:31,750 It appears in the literature time and time again. 237 00:21:31,917 --> 00:21:34,253 Were you at any point shot by a gamma ray? 238 00:21:35,337 --> 00:21:38,090 - No. - Exposed to gamma radiation of any kind? 239 00:21:38,257 --> 00:21:40,175 - No, Ned. - No? 240 00:21:40,342 --> 00:21:42,553 You wouldn't see it. Okay. 241 00:21:43,554 --> 00:21:46,932 That eliminates these and those and most of that side. 242 00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:52,187 Are you now or have you ever been... 243 00:21:53,397 --> 00:21:56,316 ...a Norse god, vampire, or time-traveling cyborg? 244 00:21:56,483 --> 00:21:59,403 I've known you since, what, first grade? I would have told you. 245 00:21:59,862 --> 00:22:03,156 Vampire wouldn't tell. Cyborg wouldn't know. 246 00:22:03,323 --> 00:22:04,825 Shut up. 247 00:22:05,409 --> 00:22:10,080 Okay, if it's not any of those, I guess, um, we're looking at your basic... 248 00:22:11,123 --> 00:22:14,543 ...spirit guide transformation magic. That's kind of a biggie, actually. 249 00:22:15,544 --> 00:22:17,462 That is here. 250 00:22:17,629 --> 00:22:19,381 When the hero... 251 00:22:19,548 --> 00:22:22,009 - I guess that's... I guess, you. - Hm. 252 00:22:22,176 --> 00:22:25,929 Uh, is transformed by his spirit guide... 253 00:22:26,096 --> 00:22:27,764 ...to set him on a new path. 254 00:22:28,223 --> 00:22:30,601 - Which is what? - Do I look like your spirit guide? 255 00:22:36,523 --> 00:22:37,858 The janitor. 256 00:22:39,610 --> 00:22:40,944 The janitor. 257 00:22:53,165 --> 00:22:55,459 You guys seen the janitor? You seen the janitor? 258 00:22:55,626 --> 00:22:58,045 - Do you know where the janitor is? - No. 259 00:22:58,212 --> 00:23:01,298 Hey, where's the janitor? Where does the janitor work? 260 00:23:01,465 --> 00:23:03,467 - Excuse me! - You all right, kid? 261 00:23:03,634 --> 00:23:05,969 - There's another janitor who works here. - Just me. 262 00:23:06,136 --> 00:23:08,972 No, no. There's an older guy with white hair who works here. 263 00:23:09,139 --> 00:23:13,769 I was here yesterday talking to the janit... I showed him this picture of me. 264 00:23:13,936 --> 00:23:16,063 - You? - Yeah. 265 00:23:16,230 --> 00:23:18,982 That picture's from 1989. 266 00:23:21,443 --> 00:23:23,820 Right. Forget it. 267 00:23:28,492 --> 00:23:31,787 Alex! 268 00:23:31,954 --> 00:23:33,330 Alex, buddy! 269 00:23:34,498 --> 00:23:35,749 Alex! 270 00:24:07,906 --> 00:24:11,994 Hello? 271 00:24:14,246 --> 00:24:16,165 Spirit guide? 272 00:24:17,708 --> 00:24:19,668 What am I supposed to do? 273 00:24:19,835 --> 00:24:22,379 Don't know what I'm supposed to do. 274 00:24:29,928 --> 00:24:32,181 Ouch. Oh, ow. 275 00:24:32,347 --> 00:24:35,267 I got shot. Did I get shot or did I get...? Someone got powned. 276 00:24:38,270 --> 00:24:40,063 - It's a grenade. - Ned. 277 00:24:40,606 --> 00:24:42,149 Aah! Oh, sorry. Teenage you. 278 00:24:42,316 --> 00:24:45,194 I figured it out. I figured out what I'm supposed to do. 279 00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:47,571 I figured out what my spirit guide wants me to do. 280 00:24:47,821 --> 00:24:48,989 I'm going back. 281 00:24:51,492 --> 00:24:53,410 I'm going back to high school, Ned! 282 00:24:53,577 --> 00:24:56,079 No! No, no. No way. 283 00:24:56,246 --> 00:24:59,082 Your spirit guide would not waste transformation magic... 284 00:24:59,249 --> 00:25:01,919 ...on you reliving your senior year and going to prom. No. 285 00:25:02,085 --> 00:25:07,007 Ned, this is my chance to have my life over, but to do it right. 286 00:25:07,174 --> 00:25:09,343 - Wouldn't you, if you had the chance? - No. 287 00:25:09,510 --> 00:25:12,095 I'm rich, and nobody stuck my head in a toilet today. 288 00:25:12,262 --> 00:25:14,014 Sure. Besides, it's not just about me. 289 00:25:14,181 --> 00:25:18,268 - It's about you. - No, it's much bigger than me. 290 00:25:18,435 --> 00:25:20,562 - It's about you. - Okay, maybe it's about me... 291 00:25:20,729 --> 00:25:22,272 ...but what's wrong with that? 292 00:25:22,439 --> 00:25:25,400 I have not done anything for me since 1989. 293 00:25:26,527 --> 00:25:30,364 You do what you have to do. But don't think about sucking me into this with you. 294 00:25:30,531 --> 00:25:32,407 Hayden was the low point of my existence... 295 00:25:32,574 --> 00:25:36,870 ...and I vowed I would never go back to that godforsaken place! 296 00:25:37,037 --> 00:25:40,290 Never, ever, ever! 297 00:25:40,791 --> 00:25:43,710 Never! Never, ever, ever! 298 00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:48,590 I hate you. 299 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:51,134 Hello. 300 00:25:52,594 --> 00:25:54,304 I'm here to enroll my son... 301 00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:56,431 ...in school. 302 00:25:56,598 --> 00:25:58,016 Mark. 303 00:25:58,475 --> 00:26:00,143 What's up? 304 00:26:02,354 --> 00:26:04,690 So... 305 00:26:07,651 --> 00:26:10,487 So we'll just have a seat till you're ready for us. 306 00:26:10,654 --> 00:26:12,489 We'll be right, uh... Okay. 307 00:26:21,498 --> 00:26:22,666 What's this you're wearing? 308 00:26:24,501 --> 00:26:29,256 This is cool. This is hip. I have a picture of Kevin Federline wearing the same thing. 309 00:26:29,423 --> 00:26:31,675 - I don't know who that is. - What are you wearing? 310 00:26:31,842 --> 00:26:33,260 - I told you, like a dad. - I am. 311 00:26:33,427 --> 00:26:35,596 - You look like Clay Aiken. - Leave him out of this. 312 00:26:38,182 --> 00:26:42,227 - Are you sure these look legit? - Oh, yeah. Look who you're talking to. 313 00:26:42,394 --> 00:26:47,191 I'm the guy who invented the software that prevents people from stealing music. 314 00:26:48,025 --> 00:26:50,485 I also invented the software that helps people steal music... 315 00:26:50,652 --> 00:26:52,029 ...but that's a happy coincidence. 316 00:26:53,071 --> 00:26:55,491 What is that? 317 00:26:56,992 --> 00:26:58,035 Oh, my G... 318 00:26:58,202 --> 00:26:59,953 - Wrong. These are for me. - You kidding? 319 00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:03,874 - What's-her-name and Chewie's for me. - Miss Masterson will see you now. 320 00:27:04,082 --> 00:27:05,125 Let's go. 321 00:27:06,710 --> 00:27:08,545 Just don't try to be funny, all right? 322 00:27:08,712 --> 00:27:10,797 Say as little as possible. 323 00:27:10,964 --> 00:27:13,467 Hey, watch where you're going, toolbag. 324 00:27:13,634 --> 00:27:17,095 - So sorry, sir. Our fault. - Stan. 325 00:27:22,059 --> 00:27:25,687 Hello. I'm Jane Masterson, principal here at Hayden High. 326 00:27:25,854 --> 00:27:27,397 Hi. 327 00:27:39,743 --> 00:27:42,579 Hello. 328 00:27:42,746 --> 00:27:44,915 - Hi. - Hi. 329 00:27:45,624 --> 00:27:46,917 Uh, okay. 330 00:27:48,085 --> 00:27:49,878 Yeah, I think we're good here. 331 00:27:50,254 --> 00:27:51,797 Sorry. 332 00:27:53,465 --> 00:27:55,843 I think our hands just made a baby. 333 00:27:56,009 --> 00:28:00,722 Excuse my dad. He's not used to talking to attractive women. 334 00:28:00,889 --> 00:28:02,516 Oh, thank you... 335 00:28:03,267 --> 00:28:04,560 - Mark. - Mark... 336 00:28:04,726 --> 00:28:08,397 ...for that flattering yet totally inappropriate comment. 337 00:28:08,564 --> 00:28:09,773 Please sit. 338 00:28:11,859 --> 00:28:15,946 Before we get started, I think you should know that, uh, Mark's a bastard. 339 00:28:17,281 --> 00:28:18,407 Excuse me? 340 00:28:18,574 --> 00:28:20,576 I had him out of wedlock, so... 341 00:28:21,201 --> 00:28:22,953 ...l'm single. 342 00:28:23,287 --> 00:28:24,454 And I'm very rich. 343 00:28:27,708 --> 00:28:29,293 Okay. 344 00:28:29,459 --> 00:28:31,962 - Did you bring your transcripts? - Oh, yeah. 345 00:28:32,796 --> 00:28:34,214 Transcripts. 346 00:28:34,381 --> 00:28:38,051 Last school you went to was Cutler High in Connecticut. 347 00:28:38,218 --> 00:28:40,220 Straight-A student. Very impressive. 348 00:28:42,097 --> 00:28:43,140 Math club... 349 00:28:43,307 --> 00:28:45,642 ...National Merit finalist... 350 00:28:45,809 --> 00:28:48,896 ...Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Champion. 351 00:28:53,984 --> 00:28:56,987 Well, I think Hayden would be lucky to have you. 352 00:28:57,821 --> 00:29:00,115 - Welcome. - Thank you. 353 00:29:06,371 --> 00:29:08,832 Uh, yes, Mr. Gold. Do you have a question? 354 00:29:10,042 --> 00:29:11,835 Your hair is pretty. 355 00:29:12,711 --> 00:29:16,089 Ah. Not a question, but thank you. 356 00:29:17,508 --> 00:29:19,760 Would the lady mind if I smelled it? 357 00:29:19,927 --> 00:29:23,514 Now is probably a good time to tell you that I don't date students' parents. 358 00:29:24,223 --> 00:29:29,019 Well, maybe I should tell you that I never don't not date the principal of my child. 359 00:29:29,186 --> 00:29:31,980 Okay, come on, Dad. Come on, Dad. 360 00:29:32,147 --> 00:29:34,233 Let's go. 361 00:29:35,192 --> 00:29:36,985 I was about to close! 362 00:29:37,819 --> 00:29:40,364 You have to do it right now? Just calm down. You're a dad. 363 00:29:40,531 --> 00:29:44,159 - Hi. Oh, my gosh. We're in. - You see her undress me with her eyes? 364 00:29:44,326 --> 00:29:46,161 I don't think that's what that was. 365 00:29:46,328 --> 00:29:49,456 Hey. Wow. I don't know how we did it. 366 00:29:49,623 --> 00:29:51,250 It's Maggie's friends. Watch this. 367 00:29:51,416 --> 00:29:53,961 - Hey, girls, how's it going? - Do I know you? 368 00:29:54,127 --> 00:29:55,420 What'd you do, mug K-Fed? 369 00:29:59,716 --> 00:30:02,386 Welcome to the bottom of the food chain. 370 00:30:04,555 --> 00:30:07,975 Hey, look, you always had my back in high school, okay? 371 00:30:08,141 --> 00:30:10,894 So if your spirit guide wants you to be a fake teenager... 372 00:30:11,061 --> 00:30:13,021 ...and me to be your fake dad... 373 00:30:13,188 --> 00:30:16,358 ...the least I can do is make sure that my fake son doesn't look... 374 00:30:17,234 --> 00:30:19,027 ...like a total douche. 375 00:30:19,486 --> 00:30:22,239 - I don't look like a douche. - What a douche. 376 00:30:22,614 --> 00:30:24,449 We're going shopping. 377 00:30:24,616 --> 00:30:27,244 - Really? - Yes, your shirt is bedazzled. 378 00:30:27,828 --> 00:30:29,746 Bedazzled with rhinestones. 379 00:30:50,100 --> 00:30:51,101 Ooh. 380 00:30:51,268 --> 00:30:53,103 Let's go to school. 381 00:30:53,270 --> 00:30:54,438 Hey, yo, check it out. 382 00:30:54,605 --> 00:30:56,106 That's just rude. 383 00:31:38,315 --> 00:31:40,192 What's up, dude? 384 00:31:45,989 --> 00:31:47,699 What are you looking at, punk? 385 00:31:49,159 --> 00:31:51,161 - Watch it. - Wake up, douche. 386 00:31:53,914 --> 00:31:55,749 Sorry. 387 00:31:58,335 --> 00:32:01,171 No phones, no texting. 388 00:32:02,923 --> 00:32:05,592 Settle, people. Settle down. 389 00:32:05,759 --> 00:32:08,428 Take the roughhousing outside, class. 390 00:32:13,225 --> 00:32:14,643 Hello? 391 00:32:15,477 --> 00:32:17,938 - Hello? - Where the hell are you? 392 00:32:19,815 --> 00:32:21,525 Oh, cr... 393 00:32:21,692 --> 00:32:24,695 - The thing. - You mean our divorce? 394 00:32:24,862 --> 00:32:26,613 Do you take any of this seriously? 395 00:32:26,780 --> 00:32:29,825 No, no! Yes, I take this seriously. 396 00:32:29,992 --> 00:32:33,620 I had to leave the country very suddenly, uh... 397 00:32:33,787 --> 00:32:36,540 ...with the Mayan... Inca, I'm with the Incas in Peru. 398 00:32:36,707 --> 00:32:38,667 We think we might have found the next... 399 00:32:40,002 --> 00:32:41,044 ...Rogaine. 400 00:32:43,005 --> 00:32:44,381 Are you with a girl? 401 00:32:44,548 --> 00:32:47,384 No, no. It's, uh, a bunch of cheerleaders. 402 00:32:47,551 --> 00:32:51,013 So would you consider maybe dating a 10th-grader? 403 00:32:51,180 --> 00:32:53,056 I think we could go for full custody. 404 00:32:53,223 --> 00:32:55,309 No, you can't take my kids away from me. 405 00:32:55,475 --> 00:32:57,561 Since when do you care? 406 00:33:02,274 --> 00:33:03,317 Look... 407 00:33:05,235 --> 00:33:07,696 ...l'm a lot closer to them than you think. 408 00:33:07,863 --> 00:33:10,240 Let's reschedule, okay? 409 00:33:12,743 --> 00:33:14,286 Hey, Maggie. 410 00:33:17,539 --> 00:33:20,083 Um, why is the new kid waving at me? 411 00:33:20,250 --> 00:33:22,002 I don't know. 412 00:33:22,169 --> 00:33:24,171 But if that boy were an apple... 413 00:33:24,338 --> 00:33:25,797 ...he'd be a Delicious. 414 00:33:26,590 --> 00:33:28,091 Oh, God. 415 00:33:32,179 --> 00:33:35,516 Gosh, we are all in such great shape. 416 00:33:35,682 --> 00:33:37,267 Oh, jeez. 417 00:33:37,434 --> 00:33:40,521 Man, you know, I will tell you something. 418 00:33:40,687 --> 00:33:43,607 In 10 years you're going to have this thing right here... 419 00:33:43,774 --> 00:33:48,403 ...that no amount of crunches will get rid of. And spot reduction, total lie. 420 00:33:48,570 --> 00:33:50,447 You know, l... 421 00:33:51,532 --> 00:33:53,575 Never mind. Give me the ball. 422 00:33:54,451 --> 00:33:55,786 Fakes right, goes left. 423 00:33:55,953 --> 00:33:57,913 And signature move. 424 00:33:59,414 --> 00:34:00,791 Kid. 425 00:34:04,211 --> 00:34:06,922 - I'm Coach Murphy. - Oh, wow. 426 00:34:07,089 --> 00:34:09,633 - You're still here? - What? 427 00:34:10,801 --> 00:34:12,094 You're a legend. 428 00:34:12,261 --> 00:34:15,514 Yeah. Well, yeah. Twenty years. 429 00:34:15,681 --> 00:34:18,183 It's actually my last one. 430 00:34:18,350 --> 00:34:21,103 Good hops, kid. Nice handle. 431 00:34:21,645 --> 00:34:23,230 We're looking for a point guard. 432 00:34:23,647 --> 00:34:24,815 Oh, yeah? 433 00:34:26,525 --> 00:34:30,154 - Why don't you come to tryouts? - Okay. 434 00:34:31,029 --> 00:34:33,574 - I'm done talking to you. - Yeah, yeah. 435 00:34:36,535 --> 00:34:37,619 Hey, how's it going? 436 00:34:37,786 --> 00:34:38,829 Things are looking up. 437 00:34:38,996 --> 00:34:41,832 Coach Murphy practically put me on the team. 438 00:34:41,999 --> 00:34:44,585 That's not a coincidence. We're on the path. 439 00:34:44,751 --> 00:34:48,005 That's great. That's super you're finding your destiny and, blah, blah, whatever. 440 00:34:48,172 --> 00:34:50,591 Here's something. I need you to do something for me. 441 00:34:50,757 --> 00:34:52,342 I need you to get in trouble. 442 00:34:52,509 --> 00:34:53,969 Not, like, big trouble. 443 00:34:54,136 --> 00:34:57,806 Just enough trouble so that the principal needs to meet with your father. 444 00:34:57,973 --> 00:34:59,600 Yeah, okay, well, we'll see. 445 00:34:59,766 --> 00:35:01,810 - Oh! Boom. - Ned! 446 00:35:01,977 --> 00:35:03,103 Boom. Checkmate, Samir! 447 00:35:03,270 --> 00:35:05,105 - Damn it! - Checkmate. 448 00:35:05,814 --> 00:35:08,609 Uh, can I get a little help in here? 449 00:35:11,487 --> 00:35:12,613 Alex? 450 00:35:19,495 --> 00:35:20,871 How does it...? 451 00:35:22,456 --> 00:35:25,167 - Who did this to you? - The basketball team. 452 00:35:26,335 --> 00:35:29,713 But why? Why? You're one of them. 453 00:35:30,088 --> 00:35:31,131 You're popular. 454 00:35:31,798 --> 00:35:35,969 Uh, look, this is kind of personal, and I don't know you. 455 00:35:36,136 --> 00:35:37,346 - I'm taped to the toilet. - Yeah. 456 00:35:37,513 --> 00:35:42,059 I'm sorry, I'm Mark Gold, uh, your uncle Ned's kid. I just started here. 457 00:35:42,226 --> 00:35:44,311 Oh, cool. Cool, yeah. 458 00:35:44,478 --> 00:35:46,688 Well, I'd shake your hand... 459 00:35:46,855 --> 00:35:48,982 ...but it's taped to my ass. - Right. Right. 460 00:35:49,149 --> 00:35:50,359 Would you mind? 461 00:35:50,526 --> 00:35:53,237 - Yeah, yeah, sure. - Yeah, um. 462 00:35:53,403 --> 00:35:55,572 - Just rip. - I'm going to get it. 463 00:35:56,573 --> 00:35:57,866 - Band-Aid. - Go for it. 464 00:36:02,204 --> 00:36:03,914 So how come we never met? 465 00:36:05,916 --> 00:36:08,919 My mom didn't want anyone to know she had a kid with Ned. 466 00:36:09,586 --> 00:36:11,171 - That makes sense. - Yeah. 467 00:36:11,421 --> 00:36:14,258 So since we're practically family and all... 468 00:36:14,424 --> 00:36:17,928 ...my dad says we should just keep an eye on each other, you know? 469 00:36:18,095 --> 00:36:19,555 Uh, yeah. Why not? 470 00:36:19,721 --> 00:36:22,766 Next time you could get there before they tape me to the toilet. 471 00:36:22,933 --> 00:36:24,476 You got it. 472 00:36:26,562 --> 00:36:28,397 This looks good. 473 00:36:34,111 --> 00:36:35,487 Who's that? 474 00:36:35,737 --> 00:36:36,947 Oh, uh... 475 00:36:37,114 --> 00:36:38,782 - Nicole. - Are you two going out? 476 00:36:38,949 --> 00:36:41,493 No, no, she's the, uh, head cheerleader. 477 00:36:41,952 --> 00:36:43,453 She'd never go out with me. 478 00:36:43,620 --> 00:36:46,456 You know, when I first met your mother, I was so nervous... 479 00:36:46,623 --> 00:36:48,125 You met my mother? 480 00:36:48,292 --> 00:36:49,543 - What? - My mother. 481 00:36:49,710 --> 00:36:52,421 You said, "The first time I met your mother, I was nervous." 482 00:36:52,796 --> 00:36:55,716 - Oh, that's weird. Is your mom hot? - Dude, what...? 483 00:36:55,883 --> 00:36:59,803 - What do I say to that? - I was joking. Joking, dude. 484 00:37:03,640 --> 00:37:04,975 Stan. 485 00:37:07,644 --> 00:37:09,146 I hate that guy. 486 00:37:09,771 --> 00:37:11,982 - Oh. - Thanks. 487 00:37:12,149 --> 00:37:13,192 - What? - Huh. 488 00:37:13,358 --> 00:37:15,527 - Freshman. - Good sandwich. 489 00:37:16,904 --> 00:37:19,156 Is that the guy who taped you to the toilet? 490 00:37:19,323 --> 00:37:20,532 Yeah. 491 00:37:20,699 --> 00:37:23,744 Yesterday he shoved me in a washing machine in my own house. 492 00:37:23,911 --> 00:37:27,331 - What was that jerk doing at your house? - It's Maggie's boyfriend. 493 00:37:28,832 --> 00:37:30,667 Maggie has a boyfriend? 494 00:37:33,045 --> 00:37:34,505 Well... 495 00:37:35,214 --> 00:37:37,508 ...l'm very disappointed in your sister. 496 00:37:38,675 --> 00:37:41,929 He's looking. Don't make eye contact. He's kind of temperamental. 497 00:37:42,596 --> 00:37:45,349 - You're looking. Stop it, stop it. - I'll look at him. 498 00:37:45,516 --> 00:37:47,392 Hey, twinkle douche. 499 00:37:48,685 --> 00:37:53,273 If I wanted you in the cafeteria, I would've taped you to a lunch lady. 500 00:37:54,024 --> 00:37:56,276 You little punk. 501 00:37:56,443 --> 00:37:58,695 You don't talk to him that way. 502 00:38:01,657 --> 00:38:02,991 Yeah? 503 00:38:04,743 --> 00:38:05,869 What are you gonna do? 504 00:38:10,874 --> 00:38:12,000 What am I gonna do? 505 00:38:14,419 --> 00:38:15,671 First... 506 00:38:17,130 --> 00:38:18,674 ...l'm going to call your father. 507 00:38:22,261 --> 00:38:23,804 Heads up! 508 00:38:32,354 --> 00:38:35,232 Give me my ball back, bitch. 509 00:38:35,399 --> 00:38:37,734 You know, Stan, I feel sorry for you. 510 00:38:38,360 --> 00:38:40,904 - You don't know me. - Oh, but I do. 511 00:38:41,071 --> 00:38:42,739 All too well. 512 00:38:43,574 --> 00:38:44,783 You're the man. 513 00:38:44,950 --> 00:38:47,077 Captain of the basketball team. 514 00:38:47,244 --> 00:38:49,496 Dates the pretty girls. 515 00:38:50,539 --> 00:38:52,833 High school is your kingdom. 516 00:38:53,750 --> 00:38:55,711 But, people... 517 00:38:55,878 --> 00:38:57,963 ...Stan's a bully. 518 00:38:58,130 --> 00:38:59,590 Why? 519 00:38:59,756 --> 00:39:05,721 It'd be way too easy to say Stan preys on the weak simply because he's a dick. 520 00:39:05,888 --> 00:39:07,097 No. 521 00:39:07,264 --> 00:39:09,433 No, no. 522 00:39:09,600 --> 00:39:11,268 Stan here... 523 00:39:12,019 --> 00:39:14,271 ...is much more complex than that. 524 00:39:14,730 --> 00:39:17,441 See, according to leading psychiatrists... 525 00:39:17,608 --> 00:39:20,903 ...Stan's a bully for one of three reasons. 526 00:39:21,612 --> 00:39:23,030 One: 527 00:39:23,822 --> 00:39:25,741 Underneath all of that male bravado... 528 00:39:25,908 --> 00:39:29,786 ...there's an insecure little girl banging on the closet door trying to get out. 529 00:39:32,956 --> 00:39:34,458 Two: 530 00:39:34,625 --> 00:39:36,376 Like a caveman... 531 00:39:36,543 --> 00:39:38,712 ...Stan's brain is... 532 00:39:38,879 --> 00:39:41,256 ...underdeveloped. 533 00:39:41,423 --> 00:39:44,468 Therefore, Stan is unable to use self-control. 534 00:39:44,635 --> 00:39:46,803 And so he acts out aggressively. 535 00:39:48,013 --> 00:39:49,973 And the third reason: 536 00:39:50,849 --> 00:39:52,434 Stan has a small wiener. 537 00:40:12,037 --> 00:40:14,039 Don't hurt yourself, big boy. 538 00:40:24,007 --> 00:40:26,927 Whoa, whoa, hey. Drinking age is still 21, thank you very much. 539 00:40:27,094 --> 00:40:30,931 Unless your spirit guide gave you a fake ID, this is mine. 540 00:40:35,435 --> 00:40:36,478 What are you eating? 541 00:40:36,645 --> 00:40:39,398 I don't even know. I just know I'm hungry. 542 00:40:39,565 --> 00:40:41,024 All the time. 543 00:40:41,191 --> 00:40:42,901 Okay, that's not safe or sanitary. 544 00:40:43,068 --> 00:40:45,821 That's your can now. We'll label it like that. 545 00:40:49,032 --> 00:40:51,201 So, what did you learn at school today? 546 00:40:53,328 --> 00:40:56,206 - That I'm a bad dad. - I thought it was going great. 547 00:40:56,373 --> 00:40:59,209 It was going fantastic for me. 548 00:40:59,376 --> 00:41:00,794 And then what? 549 00:41:03,088 --> 00:41:07,176 And then I found out my son spent the last year being the school punching bag... 550 00:41:07,342 --> 00:41:11,096 ...and watched my daughter get a tongue bath from a psychopathic jackass. 551 00:41:11,513 --> 00:41:13,140 High school's delightful, isn't it? 552 00:41:13,307 --> 00:41:16,685 Yeah. But I think I was wrong about my spirit path. 553 00:41:16,852 --> 00:41:18,979 And who was right? See? I told you. 554 00:41:19,146 --> 00:41:21,148 I told you high school was the wrong thing. 555 00:41:21,315 --> 00:41:25,027 High school was right, but it's not about basketball. 556 00:41:25,194 --> 00:41:27,738 It's about helping Alex and Maggie. 557 00:41:30,240 --> 00:41:31,283 Mmm. 558 00:41:32,618 --> 00:41:34,495 All right. I'm getting out of here. 559 00:41:35,370 --> 00:41:37,748 - Disgusting. - My kids need their father. 560 00:41:44,588 --> 00:41:47,257 - What's going on? - Oh, hey, Mark. 561 00:41:50,427 --> 00:41:51,595 What was that? 562 00:41:52,930 --> 00:41:54,515 A three-pointer. 563 00:41:56,391 --> 00:41:58,393 Can you do that twice in a row? 564 00:42:02,272 --> 00:42:05,859 Okay. Let's see you do it with a little pressure. 565 00:42:12,866 --> 00:42:15,410 Wow, you're great. You should be on the team. 566 00:42:17,037 --> 00:42:20,749 You should be on the team. I'm going to get you on the team. 567 00:42:22,334 --> 00:42:24,753 That's it. That'll solve everything. 568 00:42:25,087 --> 00:42:27,130 Dude, what are you talking about? 569 00:42:27,297 --> 00:42:28,632 Nothing. 570 00:42:35,305 --> 00:42:39,726 Well, that was fun. I haven't been to happy hour in, like, a week and a half. 571 00:42:39,893 --> 00:42:43,063 Naomi, thank you so much. That is exactly what I needed. 572 00:42:43,230 --> 00:42:44,773 Oh, great. 573 00:42:44,940 --> 00:42:47,484 - Mike who? - Mike who? I've never heard of the guy. 574 00:42:47,651 --> 00:42:48,944 Ow. 575 00:42:49,987 --> 00:42:52,906 Hey, Mom, this is Mark, Uncle Ned's bastard. 576 00:42:53,323 --> 00:42:54,366 Wow. 577 00:42:54,533 --> 00:42:57,661 I know. Someone had a kid with Uncle Ned. Ew. 578 00:42:59,246 --> 00:43:01,331 You okay, Mrs. O'Donnell? 579 00:43:02,124 --> 00:43:03,167 Yeah, I'm fine. 580 00:43:03,333 --> 00:43:06,211 It's "Ms.," kid. It's "Ms.," Scarlet. Don't forget that. 581 00:43:06,378 --> 00:43:07,629 Oh, right. 582 00:43:07,963 --> 00:43:13,260 Wow. 583 00:43:14,553 --> 00:43:18,265 You look just like my husband. Doesn't he? 584 00:43:18,432 --> 00:43:21,727 - My ex-husband. That is so weird. - Heh, heh. 585 00:43:21,894 --> 00:43:23,020 It is weird. 586 00:43:23,187 --> 00:43:24,855 What is that? 587 00:43:25,022 --> 00:43:26,481 Scarlet, I need you to come. 588 00:43:26,648 --> 00:43:27,858 Weird. 589 00:43:28,025 --> 00:43:29,526 - Do you see that? - I did see it. 590 00:43:30,569 --> 00:43:32,029 - You see him? - She's nice. 591 00:43:32,404 --> 00:43:33,447 But look at him. 592 00:43:33,614 --> 00:43:36,783 You gotta let that guy go, just out of your brain and move on. 593 00:43:36,950 --> 00:43:39,953 I know you need to grieve a relationship. It's only natural. 594 00:43:40,120 --> 00:43:41,371 Okay. 595 00:43:41,538 --> 00:43:44,124 You wait here. I'm going to go smell him. 596 00:43:44,291 --> 00:43:47,628 No, no, no. Sweetie. You're not allowed to smell teenagers. 597 00:43:47,794 --> 00:43:51,048 Sweetie, you need to hear me on this. Here's the thing. 598 00:43:51,215 --> 00:43:53,091 The other thing, you need to acknowledge... 599 00:43:53,258 --> 00:43:56,553 ...that he looks exactly like Mike used to look in high school. 600 00:43:56,720 --> 00:44:00,474 We discussed that. I have looked at him. But, honey, this is the thing: 601 00:44:00,641 --> 00:44:02,726 You need to hook up with someone new. 602 00:44:02,893 --> 00:44:07,731 Yeah, I deserve to have somebody smile at me and tell me I'm pretty. 603 00:44:07,898 --> 00:44:09,566 - You do. - Even if it is... 604 00:44:09,733 --> 00:44:12,152 ...to just get me to go home with him. 605 00:44:12,319 --> 00:44:17,199 Or lunch. But, yes, we're gonna find you a new playmate. Ow! 606 00:44:17,366 --> 00:44:19,827 You little turd. You little snot. 607 00:44:19,993 --> 00:44:21,495 My bad. Gosh, I'm so sorry. 608 00:44:21,662 --> 00:44:25,749 I guess I was, uh, kind of distracted, as I imagine Alex was... 609 00:44:25,916 --> 00:44:29,211 ...at hearing about how his mother, who is still married, by the way... 610 00:44:29,378 --> 00:44:31,880 ...is planning to run around with every guy she can get. 611 00:44:32,047 --> 00:44:35,843 In Afghanistan, she'd be dragged through the streets by goats with her hands cut off. 612 00:44:36,009 --> 00:44:37,928 I'm just saying. I'm just saying, Naomi. 613 00:44:38,095 --> 00:44:40,389 - Naomi. - I don't care. 614 00:44:55,779 --> 00:44:57,656 - Hey, guys. - Oh. 615 00:44:58,073 --> 00:44:59,783 Okay, settle down. Take your seats. 616 00:44:59,950 --> 00:45:03,620 Thank you, thank you. Thank you, Stan. Thank you. 617 00:45:04,037 --> 00:45:09,459 Okay, today we will be continuing our discussion on human sexuality. 618 00:45:09,626 --> 00:45:14,590 And as we discussed, the official school policy is abstinence. 619 00:45:14,756 --> 00:45:16,466 Now, that is very sensible. 620 00:45:16,633 --> 00:45:19,595 I'm glad that someone here has their head screwed on straight. 621 00:45:19,761 --> 00:45:23,390 I think all of us should make a pact to abstain from sex. 622 00:45:23,557 --> 00:45:25,809 Now, who's with me, you guys? Come on. 623 00:45:27,144 --> 00:45:28,228 Oh, my God. 624 00:45:30,981 --> 00:45:32,900 - Maggie? - Hm? 625 00:45:33,692 --> 00:45:35,277 However, let's get real. 626 00:45:35,444 --> 00:45:38,739 I know asking high school seniors to be abstinent... 627 00:45:38,906 --> 00:45:42,826 ...is like asking a porcupine to poop goat cheese. Yuck. 628 00:45:43,202 --> 00:45:47,498 So since the majority of you are or will become sexually active at some point... 629 00:45:47,664 --> 00:45:52,461 But that point should be way, way in the future, right? 630 00:45:52,628 --> 00:45:55,130 Well, the official school position... 631 00:45:55,297 --> 00:45:57,508 ...is that we prepare you for safe sex now. 632 00:45:58,884 --> 00:46:01,678 So please take one and pass it down. 633 00:46:07,518 --> 00:46:09,353 I have needs. 634 00:46:11,021 --> 00:46:14,775 - You don't need these. - Stan, give one to Mark. 635 00:46:14,942 --> 00:46:19,112 No. No, you know what, he's right. He's right. I don't need one. 636 00:46:19,279 --> 00:46:23,033 You know why I don't need one? Because there's no one I'm in love with. 637 00:46:23,200 --> 00:46:25,244 It's called "making love," isn't it? 638 00:46:25,410 --> 00:46:30,791 Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I think that means you do it with someone you love. 639 00:46:31,041 --> 00:46:33,377 And preferably when you're married. 640 00:46:33,544 --> 00:46:38,298 You know, when you're ready to take that love and turn it into a baby. 641 00:46:39,591 --> 00:46:41,760 Because that's what love is. 642 00:46:41,927 --> 00:46:45,055 It's that first moment when you hold your baby girl... 643 00:46:45,848 --> 00:46:50,894 ...and you didn't know that anything could be so small or so delicate. 644 00:46:51,061 --> 00:46:53,981 And you feel that tiny heart beat... 645 00:46:54,565 --> 00:46:58,694 ...and you know that you couldn't love anything more in the whole world. 646 00:47:00,070 --> 00:47:03,240 And you hope that you can do right by that little girl... 647 00:47:04,116 --> 00:47:08,162 ...and always be there to catch her when she falls, and that nothing ever hurts her. 648 00:47:08,328 --> 00:47:10,873 Not a broken arm... 649 00:47:11,790 --> 00:47:13,250 ...or a bad dream... 650 00:47:16,003 --> 00:47:17,754 ...or a broken heart. 651 00:47:24,094 --> 00:47:26,346 - I don't want these. Just take them. - Me either. 652 00:47:26,513 --> 00:47:27,890 Are you serious? 653 00:47:28,348 --> 00:47:30,809 Great, fine, wonderful. 654 00:47:30,976 --> 00:47:32,686 More for me. 655 00:47:33,187 --> 00:47:35,772 Now I got enough for the whole weekend. 656 00:47:38,984 --> 00:47:40,027 Oh, my God! 657 00:47:41,778 --> 00:47:43,989 - Stan! - Boys, stop it! 658 00:47:44,239 --> 00:47:45,908 Break it up! Get off him, Stan! 659 00:47:48,076 --> 00:47:49,703 Put those phones away! Stop it! 660 00:47:50,621 --> 00:47:52,372 - Stop hitting him! - No fighting! 661 00:47:53,790 --> 00:47:56,376 - You like that? - You're gonna go to jail again. 662 00:48:00,631 --> 00:48:02,633 Look at that. He slapped him like a mother. 663 00:48:02,799 --> 00:48:04,259 That thing sucks. 664 00:48:05,969 --> 00:48:08,305 - Oh! - Oh, that's wrong. 665 00:48:09,640 --> 00:48:12,017 Yo, check this out. My cousin in New York sent it to me. 666 00:48:22,861 --> 00:48:25,531 I hope I'm not late for our meeting. 667 00:48:25,697 --> 00:48:28,826 Busted for fighting, nice. Who won? 668 00:48:28,992 --> 00:48:31,995 You know, it was actually pretty even. 669 00:48:32,454 --> 00:48:33,664 Really? 670 00:48:33,831 --> 00:48:36,166 On YouTube it looked like you got your ass kicked. 671 00:48:36,333 --> 00:48:38,210 I saw it a couple times. 672 00:48:39,169 --> 00:48:41,046 - What are you wearing? - Hm? 673 00:48:41,505 --> 00:48:43,549 - Beckham. - No, what? 674 00:48:43,715 --> 00:48:45,259 Oh, the clothes. Oh, right. 675 00:48:45,425 --> 00:48:47,761 To the untrained eye, I look like a total idiot. 676 00:48:47,928 --> 00:48:49,263 You do, in fact. 677 00:48:49,429 --> 00:48:53,934 Ah. But it's actually a seduction technique known as "peacocking." 678 00:48:54,101 --> 00:48:58,355 My outfit serves the dual function of icebreaker and attention-getter. 679 00:48:59,982 --> 00:49:01,275 You can go in now. 680 00:49:01,859 --> 00:49:03,360 Watch. 681 00:49:10,200 --> 00:49:11,535 Are you peacocking? 682 00:49:12,494 --> 00:49:14,371 Really? You think that's gonna work? 683 00:49:14,538 --> 00:49:15,998 I think it just might. 684 00:49:25,716 --> 00:49:29,761 Is that? Mrs. O'Donnell! How you doing? 685 00:49:29,928 --> 00:49:31,096 Hello, how are you? 686 00:49:31,263 --> 00:49:32,681 I'm good. How are you? 687 00:49:32,848 --> 00:49:34,433 Good. 688 00:49:35,642 --> 00:49:38,270 Wow. This is gonna take some getting used to. 689 00:49:39,062 --> 00:49:40,189 You're Ned's son? 690 00:49:40,355 --> 00:49:42,608 Yeah. Yeah. Ned gave birth to me. 691 00:49:42,774 --> 00:49:45,569 Well, he didn't give birth... You know what I meant. 692 00:49:47,112 --> 00:49:49,406 You're doing some gardening. 693 00:49:49,573 --> 00:49:52,034 - I'm redoing the backyard. - Oh. 694 00:49:52,242 --> 00:49:53,327 You want to see? 695 00:49:53,494 --> 00:49:56,330 Yeah, sure. I got some time. 696 00:49:58,957 --> 00:50:00,250 Oh, wow. 697 00:50:00,417 --> 00:50:04,755 Yeah. Obviously, I still have a lot to do. 698 00:50:04,922 --> 00:50:07,049 - You can put that... - Right here? 699 00:50:07,216 --> 00:50:08,509 All right. 700 00:50:09,259 --> 00:50:10,844 Thank you. 701 00:50:11,053 --> 00:50:13,013 - So this is it. - This is it. 702 00:50:13,180 --> 00:50:14,598 It used to look a lot worse. 703 00:50:16,099 --> 00:50:17,643 Mm-mm. 704 00:50:18,268 --> 00:50:23,357 Basically, uh, what I planned to do was to put a pond in over here... 705 00:50:23,524 --> 00:50:26,068 - Okay. ...and have water... 706 00:50:26,235 --> 00:50:28,821 ...streaming in from both sides. 707 00:50:29,446 --> 00:50:33,075 And then put a big deck right here... 708 00:50:33,242 --> 00:50:38,956 ...and then a flagstone patio there with sod in between. 709 00:50:39,122 --> 00:50:40,541 That would be pretty. 710 00:50:40,707 --> 00:50:45,963 And then to have twinkling lights above the whole thing... 711 00:50:46,129 --> 00:50:48,632 ...so that every night is a starry one. 712 00:50:48,799 --> 00:50:50,133 Heh. 713 00:50:50,300 --> 00:50:52,636 It's gonna be amazing, Scar. 714 00:50:52,803 --> 00:50:54,054 What did you just call me? 715 00:50:54,805 --> 00:50:56,056 Uh... 716 00:50:56,223 --> 00:50:58,809 - I just said, "lt'll be amazing." - You called me "Scar." 717 00:50:59,643 --> 00:51:01,687 My husband's the only one who calls me that. 718 00:51:01,854 --> 00:51:03,397 Could you use some help? 719 00:51:04,565 --> 00:51:07,401 Volunteer. I'm young, I'm strong. 720 00:51:07,568 --> 00:51:09,194 Oh. Oh. 721 00:51:09,361 --> 00:51:11,488 Right, got it. Okay. 722 00:51:14,032 --> 00:51:17,578 I realize that whole lady cougar hunting... 723 00:51:17,744 --> 00:51:22,166 ...the "mothers I'd like to," you know, whatever, thing... 724 00:51:22,332 --> 00:51:25,669 ...is big with you guys, right? With you high school boys? 725 00:51:25,836 --> 00:51:28,422 But that's not gonna happen between me and you. 726 00:51:28,589 --> 00:51:30,966 I didn't even mean it that way. 727 00:51:31,133 --> 00:51:36,180 I was thinking more along the lines of business experience, college application. 728 00:51:36,346 --> 00:51:38,807 But if you want to go there, that's... 729 00:51:38,974 --> 00:51:40,976 - So I'll just get you a shovel, then? - Yeah. 730 00:51:41,143 --> 00:51:42,352 Okay. 731 00:52:30,776 --> 00:52:31,819 What? 732 00:53:09,356 --> 00:53:13,443 - I said we could do it! - Called it. 733 00:53:13,610 --> 00:53:15,737 Did you see the look on Stan's face? 734 00:53:15,904 --> 00:53:21,243 Alex? What happened at the tryouts? How'd it go? 735 00:53:21,451 --> 00:53:25,539 It was good. Mark had a great tryout. He played great. 736 00:53:25,706 --> 00:53:28,208 - Yeah. - And so did I. I made the team. 737 00:53:28,375 --> 00:53:31,211 Really? Oh, great! That's so good. I'm so proud of you. 738 00:53:31,378 --> 00:53:32,629 Me too. 739 00:53:32,796 --> 00:53:34,298 He did great out there. 740 00:53:34,464 --> 00:53:36,383 Oh, Mark. That's super inappropriate. 741 00:53:36,550 --> 00:53:38,468 L... Good job today. 742 00:53:38,635 --> 00:53:39,928 - Good job! - Thanks. 743 00:53:40,095 --> 00:53:43,265 I want to show you something. Come here. I wanna show you guys. 744 00:53:45,976 --> 00:53:48,312 Ta-da. 745 00:53:49,563 --> 00:53:51,732 - You hung the lights. - Yes. 746 00:53:52,191 --> 00:53:53,817 - Wow. - Wow. 747 00:53:53,984 --> 00:53:56,236 I wanted you guys to be the first to see. 748 00:53:56,403 --> 00:53:58,071 - Mom, it's sick. - Really? 749 00:53:58,238 --> 00:54:00,240 It's so good. 750 00:54:00,699 --> 00:54:02,701 Oh, my gosh. 751 00:54:04,703 --> 00:54:07,498 Mark. Mark, we should go practice, dude. 752 00:54:07,664 --> 00:54:10,250 The game's on Friday. Mom, such a good job. 753 00:54:15,422 --> 00:54:16,924 What do you think? 754 00:54:17,090 --> 00:54:18,467 It's amazing. 755 00:54:18,634 --> 00:54:23,347 When people see how talented you are, you'll be designing gardens all over the city. 756 00:54:23,514 --> 00:54:24,848 Really? 757 00:54:25,015 --> 00:54:26,683 Well, thank you, Mark. That's nice. 758 00:54:31,313 --> 00:54:32,356 Oh. 759 00:54:32,523 --> 00:54:37,027 - I have to go. I have a date tonight. - You have a...? You have a date? 760 00:54:37,194 --> 00:54:40,823 I'm going dancing, which is ridiculous because I'm a terrible dancer. 761 00:54:41,448 --> 00:54:44,326 - You're an amazing dancer. - What? 762 00:54:45,577 --> 00:54:47,371 - Hm? Ahem. - Wh...? 763 00:54:47,538 --> 00:54:49,289 You just look like you can move. 764 00:54:49,456 --> 00:54:51,208 Um, okay. 765 00:54:51,375 --> 00:54:54,878 I'm going to go, so have fun, Mark. 766 00:54:55,045 --> 00:54:56,547 Night. 767 00:55:13,355 --> 00:55:15,941 - What are you looking at? - That was great. 768 00:55:16,733 --> 00:55:18,735 That is The Snake. 769 00:55:19,403 --> 00:55:21,488 That was a very hot dance when you were 1. 770 00:55:22,906 --> 00:55:24,825 - Teach it to me. - I can't. 771 00:55:24,992 --> 00:55:27,119 It's a very advanced step... 772 00:55:27,286 --> 00:55:30,831 ...which I know is hard to believe because I make it look effortless. 773 00:55:31,748 --> 00:55:33,667 That's the secret to all great dancers. 774 00:55:34,626 --> 00:55:36,211 Try me. 775 00:55:39,214 --> 00:55:41,216 Why did you pick that song? 776 00:55:41,383 --> 00:55:44,845 Oh, I don't know. It just, uh, kind of spoke to me. 777 00:55:45,012 --> 00:55:47,014 Hm. That's funny. 778 00:55:47,181 --> 00:55:50,100 That's the song that my husband and I danced to at our wedding. 779 00:55:50,267 --> 00:55:52,394 Hm. A man of good taste. 780 00:55:52,561 --> 00:55:54,646 - Want me to show you some dance moves? - I'd love to. 781 00:55:54,813 --> 00:55:56,106 That I learned at my wedding. 782 00:55:56,273 --> 00:56:00,652 - Great. - Yeah. Okay, you stand here, like that. 783 00:56:00,819 --> 00:56:03,280 Okay, like that, and I'll stand here. 784 00:56:03,447 --> 00:56:06,450 - No, you stand right there. - Right there. 785 00:56:06,617 --> 00:56:10,996 Okay, ready? So you go right foot back and then left foot back. 786 00:56:11,497 --> 00:56:15,125 And then quick right, left, right, left, right. 787 00:56:15,292 --> 00:56:17,961 And then right... Oh. 788 00:56:18,128 --> 00:56:21,048 That was good. And left, right, left, right. 789 00:56:21,882 --> 00:56:23,091 That's good. 790 00:56:23,258 --> 00:56:26,220 That was really good. You're picking that up pretty quickly. 791 00:56:26,386 --> 00:56:28,347 - So you mentioned your husband. - Mm-hm. 792 00:56:28,514 --> 00:56:30,807 Do you think you guys are ever going to get back together? 793 00:56:30,974 --> 00:56:33,143 Um, no. 794 00:56:34,019 --> 00:56:35,646 Why are you so sure? 795 00:56:35,813 --> 00:56:39,024 Maybe there's something he could do to fix things. 796 00:56:39,191 --> 00:56:42,361 I love my husband and care about him... 797 00:56:44,404 --> 00:56:46,573 ...but sometimes that just is not enough. 798 00:56:48,700 --> 00:56:50,744 Well, he blew it. 799 00:56:50,911 --> 00:56:52,287 Jump. 800 00:57:08,136 --> 00:57:09,680 - Mom? - Yeah. 801 00:57:12,558 --> 00:57:13,600 Hey, Alex. 802 00:57:15,060 --> 00:57:17,646 - Mom? - I'm your mom. 803 00:57:17,813 --> 00:57:19,815 I am Alex's mom, Mark. 804 00:57:19,982 --> 00:57:21,275 Yeah. 805 00:57:22,109 --> 00:57:24,695 - Your date is here. - Huh? 806 00:57:25,529 --> 00:57:27,364 - The front door. Your date. - Okay. 807 00:57:27,698 --> 00:57:29,867 She was nervous. It's creepy, right? 808 00:57:30,033 --> 00:57:31,618 Little bit. 809 00:57:31,785 --> 00:57:34,037 She's so old, it's like... 810 00:57:35,205 --> 00:57:36,874 Dance with all your friend's moms? 811 00:57:37,040 --> 00:57:38,375 Pretty much. 812 00:57:39,126 --> 00:57:40,627 - Oh, hi, Scarlet. - Hello. 813 00:57:40,794 --> 00:57:43,297 - Wow, you look amazing. Here. Pour vous. - Oh, thank you. 814 00:57:43,463 --> 00:57:46,049 Carnations. What a douche bag. 815 00:57:46,216 --> 00:57:47,467 Mark. 816 00:57:47,634 --> 00:57:49,553 - No, that's okay. - I'm sorry. 817 00:57:49,720 --> 00:57:50,762 I'm a single dad. 818 00:57:50,929 --> 00:57:54,558 It's totally normal for sons to feel weird when their moms date. 819 00:57:54,725 --> 00:57:58,020 I mean, he's stepping into Dad's shoes, protecting the castle. 820 00:57:58,187 --> 00:58:00,230 - He's not my son, but... - Oh. 821 00:58:00,898 --> 00:58:02,274 Then that's weird. 822 00:58:02,441 --> 00:58:03,692 - It is. - Yeah. 823 00:58:03,859 --> 00:58:05,819 - Uh, do you want to go? - Yeah. 824 00:58:06,278 --> 00:58:07,404 Let me get my coat. 825 00:58:07,571 --> 00:58:09,406 - Oh, come on. - Hold these, please. 826 00:58:09,573 --> 00:58:10,908 - This guy? - You're being rude. 827 00:58:11,074 --> 00:58:12,910 - You're going from Uncle Mike to this guy? - Shh. 828 00:58:13,076 --> 00:58:15,496 - Be quiet. - Okay. 829 00:58:15,662 --> 00:58:18,499 - Do me a favor. Shh. - He's a tool. 830 00:58:18,665 --> 00:58:22,336 Give this to Ned, okay, to give to Mike. It's our divorce papers. 831 00:58:22,503 --> 00:58:25,756 And remind him that he needs to be there on the 27th. 832 00:58:25,923 --> 00:58:28,258 Okay? Thank you. 833 00:58:53,492 --> 00:58:54,660 Where are you going? 834 00:58:54,827 --> 00:58:56,620 Jamie's party. 835 00:58:59,790 --> 00:59:01,416 Alex! 836 00:59:04,253 --> 00:59:07,130 Yeah, uh, seriously, I can't be here. I really can't be here. 837 00:59:07,297 --> 00:59:10,759 Do you know how many dangerous and hurtful things Stan could do to me here? 838 00:59:10,926 --> 00:59:13,804 You had your head shoved in a ball return? It's not a massage. 839 00:59:13,971 --> 00:59:16,723 You're on the basketball team now. Okay? This is your party. 840 00:59:17,432 --> 00:59:19,059 Okay, okay, there she is. 841 00:59:19,226 --> 00:59:20,602 There's Nicole. Oh, God. 842 00:59:20,769 --> 00:59:22,437 - Which one? - She's right there. 843 00:59:22,604 --> 00:59:24,439 You're looking at... She's my 3, your 2. 844 00:59:24,606 --> 00:59:26,608 - Stop it. You're looking right at her. - Calm down. 845 00:59:28,152 --> 00:59:29,653 - Sorry. - What was that? 846 00:59:29,820 --> 00:59:31,989 - Nothing, it was a burp. - Why are you burping? 847 00:59:32,156 --> 00:59:34,658 - I have tummy issues. What? Get over it. - Tummy issues? 848 00:59:35,033 --> 00:59:36,910 She's not going to like me. I'm a loser. 849 00:59:37,077 --> 00:59:40,122 Why are you a loser? Because Stan says you're a loser? 850 00:59:40,289 --> 00:59:43,167 Do you think Stan's a winner? Stan's going nowhere. 851 00:59:43,542 --> 00:59:46,753 Any girl in here would be lucky to have your attention. 852 00:59:46,920 --> 00:59:50,340 - What do you know about girls? - What do I know about girls? 853 00:59:51,133 --> 00:59:53,468 I used to date the most beautiful girl in school... 854 00:59:53,635 --> 00:59:55,554 ...and I let her slip through my fingers. 855 00:59:56,013 --> 00:59:57,681 But I won't let that happen to you. 856 00:59:58,182 --> 00:59:59,433 You're absolutely right. 857 00:59:59,600 --> 01:00:02,269 I'm just going to walk up to her and introduce myself. 858 01:00:02,936 --> 01:00:05,689 Tomorrow at school. Maybe. Probably not. 859 01:00:05,856 --> 01:00:07,399 Just go. 860 01:00:12,029 --> 01:00:13,947 - Hey, girls. - Hey, you came. 861 01:00:14,114 --> 01:00:15,282 - How are you? - Good. 862 01:00:15,449 --> 01:00:18,035 Thank you, um. Have you seen Maggie? I've been looking everywhere. 863 01:00:18,202 --> 01:00:20,704 Oh, um, Maggie's not here. 864 01:00:20,871 --> 01:00:22,706 But, um, I am. 865 01:00:22,873 --> 01:00:25,501 And I'm really, really glad you came. 866 01:00:26,877 --> 01:00:29,838 - It's her birthday. - I didn't get you a present, I'm sorry. 867 01:00:30,005 --> 01:00:32,841 - I'll just have to unwrap you. - Heh, heh. Okay. 868 01:00:34,051 --> 01:00:38,639 I was kicked off the cheerleading squad for being too flexible. 869 01:00:42,267 --> 01:00:46,188 Okay, okay. Sit down. Just sit down. 870 01:00:48,482 --> 01:00:51,401 If you girls don't respect yourselves... 871 01:00:51,568 --> 01:00:55,280 ...then how do you expect anyone else to respect you? 872 01:00:55,572 --> 01:00:56,698 Right? 873 01:00:56,865 --> 01:00:57,908 Don't respect me. 874 01:00:58,075 --> 01:00:59,368 No, don't respect me. 875 01:00:59,535 --> 01:01:01,662 You don't even have to remember my name. 876 01:01:01,829 --> 01:01:03,914 - Wow, that's slutty. - First of all, you slut. 877 01:01:04,122 --> 01:01:06,333 This is some other dad's problem. 878 01:01:07,918 --> 01:01:11,046 And, um, I just want to tell you that you look like my dog. 879 01:01:11,839 --> 01:01:15,717 - Excuse me? - Your hair looks like my dog's hair. 880 01:01:15,968 --> 01:01:18,262 - Oh, um... - No, it's shiny and soft. 881 01:01:18,428 --> 01:01:20,722 We give my dog special food. It's got flax in it. 882 01:01:20,889 --> 01:01:22,766 Oh, flax. 883 01:01:22,933 --> 01:01:24,601 - She's a sweetheart. - That's sweet. 884 01:01:24,768 --> 01:01:26,186 Well, she died. 885 01:01:26,770 --> 01:01:29,314 So I look like your dead dog? 886 01:01:29,523 --> 01:01:32,609 I'm just really nervous, and I've wanted to talk to you for so long. 887 01:01:32,776 --> 01:01:35,112 - What am I thinking? - Don't worry about it. Really. 888 01:01:35,279 --> 01:01:37,573 - Alex? - Oh, my God, you know my name. 889 01:01:37,739 --> 01:01:38,907 You're on fire. 890 01:01:39,116 --> 01:01:42,119 - Really? - Literally, you're on fire. 891 01:01:42,286 --> 01:01:43,370 What? 892 01:01:43,537 --> 01:01:45,038 Literally on fire. 893 01:01:45,205 --> 01:01:48,959 Whoa. Okay. Yeah, I'm gonna get out of here. Later. 894 01:01:54,631 --> 01:01:56,258 Just hand me those keys right there. 895 01:01:56,425 --> 01:01:57,551 They're in for the night. 896 01:01:58,969 --> 01:02:03,765 If the keys are locked in there, I don't know how I'm going to get you guys out. 897 01:02:04,475 --> 01:02:07,269 Conserve some oxygen in there. 898 01:02:07,436 --> 01:02:10,481 Don't scream, you have a limited amount of oxygen. 899 01:02:11,440 --> 01:02:14,401 They're pretty, huh? We got some pretty ladies in here. 900 01:02:15,694 --> 01:02:17,613 Oh, there you are. 901 01:02:32,169 --> 01:02:35,130 - What do you want? - I just want to talk about Stan. 902 01:02:35,339 --> 01:02:36,715 Yeah? 903 01:02:37,841 --> 01:02:41,595 Why are you dating him? I mean, you know he is not a nice guy. 904 01:02:41,762 --> 01:02:43,138 He's crazy. 905 01:02:43,305 --> 01:02:46,016 Hey, don't say that about Stan. You don't even know him. 906 01:02:46,183 --> 01:02:49,686 Oh, but I do. I really do. I know him better than you. 907 01:02:49,853 --> 01:02:52,356 Look, we're moving in together after graduation. 908 01:02:52,523 --> 01:02:54,316 Stan got into Georgetown? 909 01:02:54,900 --> 01:02:56,735 - What? - What? 910 01:02:56,902 --> 01:03:01,156 No. No. Stan got on the management track at Home Depot. 911 01:03:01,323 --> 01:03:02,950 Oh, great. 912 01:03:03,116 --> 01:03:06,995 And I'm going to Westwood Community College to be closer to him. 913 01:03:07,621 --> 01:03:09,540 He's my forever. 914 01:03:12,292 --> 01:03:15,003 - There's no way in hell that's happening. - Excuse me? 915 01:03:15,170 --> 01:03:18,340 I said, "There's no way in hell that that is happening." 916 01:03:19,174 --> 01:03:21,927 You think I'm gonna let you mortgage your future? 917 01:03:22,135 --> 01:03:24,471 You think I'll let you throw away your hard work... 918 01:03:24,680 --> 01:03:26,849 ...everything that you've accomplished... 919 01:03:27,015 --> 01:03:29,560 ...for some psychopathic guy who doesn't care about you? 920 01:03:29,726 --> 01:03:33,355 I forbid you. I forbid you to see him anymore. 921 01:03:33,522 --> 01:03:38,652 Oh, okay! Who the hell do you think you are, my father?! Dude! 922 01:03:38,861 --> 01:03:41,155 - Don't walk away from me. - You're a freak. 923 01:03:41,363 --> 01:03:42,823 Margaret Sarah O'Donnell! 924 01:03:44,616 --> 01:03:47,870 - Hey. How'd it go? - Fantastic. 925 01:03:48,871 --> 01:03:50,581 What's on your leg? 926 01:03:51,248 --> 01:03:53,458 We're the Warriors! Yeah, yeah! 927 01:03:53,667 --> 01:03:55,794 Remember: Defense wins the game. 928 01:03:55,961 --> 01:03:58,839 What's wrong? You look uncomfortable. 929 01:03:59,006 --> 01:04:01,091 Oh. No. 930 01:04:03,051 --> 01:04:05,637 I was just thinking that the last time I was here... 931 01:04:05,804 --> 01:04:08,140 ...my husband asked me to marry him. 932 01:04:08,682 --> 01:04:10,017 Wow. 933 01:04:10,559 --> 01:04:12,352 Tough to compete with that. 934 01:04:14,062 --> 01:04:17,149 Down by 6, get the ball to Gold. 935 01:04:17,316 --> 01:04:19,943 Warriors on three. One, two, three. 936 01:04:20,110 --> 01:04:21,612 Warriors! 937 01:04:26,950 --> 01:04:29,369 Stan, what are you doing? Let's go. 938 01:04:29,745 --> 01:04:32,581 Go, Alex! Whoo! 939 01:04:32,748 --> 01:04:33,916 Woo-hoo. 940 01:04:40,255 --> 01:04:41,632 Left side. 941 01:04:56,063 --> 01:04:58,065 Pick off! Right there! 942 01:05:01,151 --> 01:05:02,820 He's got too much time. Come on! 943 01:05:08,700 --> 01:05:10,244 Yeah! 944 01:05:13,163 --> 01:05:15,666 Get it to McKinley! Get it in! Get it! 945 01:05:15,916 --> 01:05:17,334 Get him! 946 01:05:20,087 --> 01:05:24,341 Ball! 947 01:05:24,675 --> 01:05:26,176 Come on, outside! 948 01:05:27,845 --> 01:05:30,973 O'Donnell! Give the ball to Gold! Give the ball to Gold! 949 01:05:31,140 --> 01:05:33,350 No, no, no! 950 01:05:44,736 --> 01:05:49,116 We did it! You were great. Oh. Ooh. I, um... 951 01:05:49,950 --> 01:05:51,743 - I'm sweaty. Um... - Sorry about that. 952 01:05:51,910 --> 01:05:53,662 Congratula... That was awesome. 953 01:05:53,829 --> 01:05:56,665 You did a great... I saw the... I liked the dance. 954 01:05:57,207 --> 01:06:01,003 Yeah, so I think August... August will be good. 955 01:06:01,170 --> 01:06:03,881 All right, uh, have a good night. 956 01:06:04,047 --> 01:06:05,382 See you tomorrow. 957 01:06:14,183 --> 01:06:18,061 Oh. Hi. Wow, what are the odds? 958 01:06:18,228 --> 01:06:21,356 What's it going to be now? Did you buy me the Statue of Liberty? 959 01:06:22,065 --> 01:06:24,943 I'm just going to ask you out, okay? Like a grownup. 960 01:06:25,110 --> 01:06:26,612 Just two f�iends having dinner. 961 01:06:26,778 --> 01:06:32,034 Then if it turns into anything else, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. 962 01:06:32,826 --> 01:06:34,912 No. Good night. 963 01:06:36,121 --> 01:06:37,706 I'll buy every student a laptop. 964 01:06:40,292 --> 01:06:43,045 You would deny the children of laptops? 965 01:06:43,212 --> 01:06:46,089 - Miss Masterson, the children. - Okay. Okay, fine, fine. 966 01:06:46,715 --> 01:06:49,426 Fine. But this is not a date. 967 01:06:49,593 --> 01:06:50,761 No, in no way a date. 968 01:06:50,928 --> 01:06:54,598 And if I do this, you will stop the inappropriate behavior and gifts. 969 01:06:54,765 --> 01:06:57,851 - Yes. - And we'll just drive to this restaurant. 970 01:06:58,018 --> 01:07:00,187 We won't fly there in the space shuttle... 971 01:07:00,354 --> 01:07:03,941 ...or drive in some gaudy, tacky limo. 972 01:07:04,107 --> 01:07:06,276 No, let's take your car. How about? 973 01:07:10,280 --> 01:07:11,573 This way. 974 01:07:12,115 --> 01:07:15,869 Ned to driver, abort. Abort, abort. Move it out right now. 975 01:07:18,080 --> 01:07:22,417 I totally missed it. She came right up to me, I should've kissed her. And I froze. 976 01:07:22,584 --> 01:07:25,128 Hey, don't worry. I'll get you another chance. 977 01:07:25,295 --> 01:07:26,880 How? How are you going to do that? 978 01:07:32,344 --> 01:07:34,471 Victory party at my house! 979 01:07:48,402 --> 01:07:49,903 Maggie. 980 01:08:00,289 --> 01:08:02,833 Maggie? Hey, Maggie. 981 01:08:03,000 --> 01:08:04,459 Go away. 982 01:08:05,252 --> 01:08:07,045 Hey, what happened? 983 01:08:08,005 --> 01:08:09,381 What do you want? 984 01:08:09,548 --> 01:08:12,176 Rub it in my face? Say, "I told you so"? 985 01:08:12,342 --> 01:08:14,928 No. No, I really don't. 986 01:08:16,180 --> 01:08:18,140 Just tell me what happened. 987 01:08:21,935 --> 01:08:23,687 Stan dumped me. 988 01:08:27,900 --> 01:08:30,110 Stan dumped you? 989 01:08:30,277 --> 01:08:32,070 Stan dumped you? What? 990 01:08:32,237 --> 01:08:35,866 What happened? How did this...? What did he do? 991 01:08:36,033 --> 01:08:37,618 What did he do? 992 01:08:38,243 --> 01:08:40,037 After the game... 993 01:08:40,662 --> 01:08:41,997 We... 994 01:08:42,873 --> 01:08:45,209 He took me behind the quad, and we... 995 01:08:45,375 --> 01:08:48,712 I can't hear this. You didn't. 996 01:08:48,879 --> 01:08:51,882 - No, Mags. - No. 997 01:08:53,217 --> 01:08:55,010 No. 998 01:08:55,636 --> 01:08:58,305 That's why he dumped me. 999 01:09:02,643 --> 01:09:04,353 Mags, hey. 1000 01:09:04,520 --> 01:09:07,064 Hey, hey, it's okay. 1001 01:09:09,399 --> 01:09:10,901 You know... 1002 01:09:12,152 --> 01:09:15,989 ...when you're young, everything feels like the end of the world. 1003 01:09:18,200 --> 01:09:19,952 It's not. 1004 01:09:20,118 --> 01:09:21,912 Right. 1005 01:09:22,412 --> 01:09:24,581 It's just the beginning. 1006 01:09:25,916 --> 01:09:28,669 You might have to meet a few more jerks... 1007 01:09:28,836 --> 01:09:30,838 ...but one day you're going to meet a boy... 1008 01:09:31,004 --> 01:09:34,007 ...who treats you the way that you deserve to be treated: 1009 01:09:36,468 --> 01:09:39,346 Like the sun rises and sets with you. 1010 01:09:44,935 --> 01:09:47,020 You really think so? 1011 01:09:49,106 --> 01:09:51,108 I know so. 1012 01:09:53,360 --> 01:09:54,945 That's so sweet. 1013 01:09:55,779 --> 01:09:57,739 You're the sweetest. 1014 01:09:58,282 --> 01:10:00,325 - Thank you. - It's okay. 1015 01:10:00,492 --> 01:10:01,702 - Ow. Oh. - Thank you. 1016 01:10:03,453 --> 01:10:07,708 Anyways, I, uh, came over here... I was looking for you. 1017 01:10:07,875 --> 01:10:11,378 I wanted to invite you to my party. I don't know if you want to come. 1018 01:10:11,545 --> 01:10:13,463 - Yes. I would love to. - Yeah. 1019 01:10:13,630 --> 01:10:15,799 - Great. That's exciting. - Thank you! 1020 01:10:15,966 --> 01:10:17,759 - Aah! Yay! - Yes. Yay. 1021 01:10:17,926 --> 01:10:19,511 - Thank you. - That's very exciting. 1022 01:10:19,678 --> 01:10:22,306 I know, it's great. Ha, ha. 1023 01:10:22,473 --> 01:10:24,099 See you tonight. 1024 01:10:32,608 --> 01:10:33,984 "At Mark's house." 1025 01:10:53,337 --> 01:10:57,007 Hey, that's cool. Let me see that. That is nice, man. 1026 01:10:57,174 --> 01:10:59,259 Don't touch the toys, okay? 1027 01:11:00,344 --> 01:11:03,096 Yeah, I'll, uh, try not to light myself on fire tonight. 1028 01:11:03,263 --> 01:11:06,892 - I'll keep a fire extinguisher handy. - Oh, good. 1029 01:11:07,100 --> 01:11:11,188 - Do you want to sit outside? - Sure. 1030 01:11:45,430 --> 01:11:46,974 That's delightful. 1031 01:11:51,228 --> 01:11:53,522 What? What? 1032 01:11:56,191 --> 01:11:59,736 - Okay, I don't know how to act normal. - Clearly. 1033 01:11:59,903 --> 01:12:04,575 It's the story of my life. I'm not smooth. I'm just trying to impress you, okay? 1034 01:12:04,741 --> 01:12:08,162 I'm not the kind of guy who comes to places like this. I'm a dork. 1035 01:12:08,328 --> 01:12:09,997 The kind of guy who spends 10 grand... 1036 01:12:10,164 --> 01:12:12,749 ...on Gandalf the Grey's quarterstaff from The Two Towers. 1037 01:12:14,585 --> 01:12:16,420 Yes, that does make you a dork. 1038 01:12:20,007 --> 01:12:22,676 Especially since Gandalf the Grey was only in Fellowship. 1039 01:12:24,386 --> 01:12:27,931 He returns in Two Towers as Gandalf the White. 1040 01:12:51,455 --> 01:12:54,541 I was upset. I'm sorry, okay? 1041 01:12:54,708 --> 01:12:58,045 I need you to show me that you love me. 1042 01:12:58,212 --> 01:13:00,172 And that way we can get a place together. 1043 01:13:00,339 --> 01:13:03,467 Stop it. Look, whatever. I'm with somebody else now. 1044 01:13:04,134 --> 01:13:07,346 - What? - Party's over, Stan. 1045 01:13:08,472 --> 01:13:09,640 Just get out of here. 1046 01:13:12,976 --> 01:13:14,520 Oh, yeah? 1047 01:13:15,145 --> 01:13:17,314 Who's gonna make me leave? 1048 01:13:18,857 --> 01:13:19,942 You? 1049 01:13:20,108 --> 01:13:23,987 You know I would, but it smells like you've been drinking... 1050 01:13:24,154 --> 01:13:27,074 ...so I'm just gonna let the cops do it. 1051 01:13:32,120 --> 01:13:33,747 You can have the nun. 1052 01:13:34,373 --> 01:13:36,166 She doesn't put out, anyway. 1053 01:13:36,500 --> 01:13:37,668 On second thought... 1054 01:13:42,673 --> 01:13:45,759 Oh, I just had the craziest dream. 1055 01:13:47,719 --> 01:13:49,680 I was 17. 1056 01:13:51,265 --> 01:13:54,643 I was back in high school, and it was terrible. 1057 01:13:58,605 --> 01:14:00,190 Scar. 1058 01:14:01,233 --> 01:14:04,778 Scar? I don't see a scar. 1059 01:14:05,195 --> 01:14:08,198 Look, I know why you didn't want me to be with Stan. 1060 01:14:08,365 --> 01:14:10,993 It's because you wanted me. 1061 01:14:14,079 --> 01:14:16,832 You want to play games? I can play games. 1062 01:14:16,999 --> 01:14:19,418 - No, no, no. - I'm a hungry lioness... 1063 01:14:19,585 --> 01:14:21,378 ...and you're a baby gazelle. 1064 01:14:23,005 --> 01:14:25,215 Maggie! No, no, no, Maggie, stop this now. 1065 01:14:25,382 --> 01:14:28,844 If you only knew how highly inappropriate and dysfunctional this is. 1066 01:14:29,386 --> 01:14:30,554 Stop it. Please stop. 1067 01:14:30,721 --> 01:14:33,390 Maggie, I'm not the person that you think I am. 1068 01:14:33,557 --> 01:14:35,142 - Yes, you are. - No, I'm not. 1069 01:14:35,309 --> 01:14:37,936 You're right, you're good. You're not like the others. 1070 01:14:38,103 --> 01:14:40,772 I'm not like others. I'm very different than the others. 1071 01:14:40,939 --> 01:14:44,943 So different, in fact, that you and I can never, ever, ever, ever be together. 1072 01:14:45,110 --> 01:14:46,945 - Stop biting. - Why? 1073 01:14:50,324 --> 01:14:51,658 Oh. 1074 01:14:51,992 --> 01:14:55,787 Oh, my God. What are you saying? 1075 01:14:55,954 --> 01:14:57,414 Are you confused? 1076 01:14:58,040 --> 01:15:00,501 I'm very confused, yes. Extremely confused. 1077 01:15:00,667 --> 01:15:05,005 Oh, my God. I... I... I get it now. 1078 01:15:05,422 --> 01:15:10,093 And your hair is always perfectly coiffed, and you have highlights. 1079 01:15:11,678 --> 01:15:14,389 - What are you talking about? - I mean... 1080 01:15:14,973 --> 01:15:17,935 Dude, your jeans are really tight. 1081 01:15:20,270 --> 01:15:21,688 I'm not gay. 1082 01:15:22,439 --> 01:15:24,817 I'm in love, Maggie. I'm in love. 1083 01:15:25,234 --> 01:15:26,652 I've been in love. 1084 01:15:26,819 --> 01:15:30,864 I've been in love with the same girl since I was 17, Maggie. 1085 01:15:32,741 --> 01:15:37,788 Does she go to our school? Do I know her? Tell me her name. I want to know her name. 1086 01:15:37,955 --> 01:15:40,082 - No, Maggie. No. - Okay. 1087 01:15:41,291 --> 01:15:46,213 You tell your girlfriend she better keep a close eye on you. 1088 01:15:51,385 --> 01:15:53,470 Sweet baby Jesus. 1089 01:15:55,305 --> 01:15:56,849 Thanks. 1090 01:16:14,700 --> 01:16:16,535 We'll take the check. 1091 01:16:28,130 --> 01:16:29,715 I'm so dead. 1092 01:16:33,594 --> 01:16:35,387 Excuse me. 1093 01:16:36,722 --> 01:16:39,349 - Scarlet? Scarlet? Scarlet. - Hi. 1094 01:16:39,516 --> 01:16:41,351 - What are you doing here? - You seen Alex? 1095 01:16:41,518 --> 01:16:43,479 He's not picking up his phone. 1096 01:16:43,645 --> 01:16:45,481 Alex is fine. Alex is fine, believe me. 1097 01:16:45,647 --> 01:16:47,691 In fact, with the way things are going... 1098 01:16:47,858 --> 01:16:51,195 ...by the end of the night Alex could have a girlfriend. 1099 01:16:51,361 --> 01:16:54,656 - Alex has a girlfriend? - Yeah, and she's great. She's cute. 1100 01:16:54,823 --> 01:16:56,408 - Come on, I'll show you. - Where? 1101 01:16:56,575 --> 01:16:59,495 Walk up the stairs. Walk with me for one sec, I'll show you. 1102 01:16:59,661 --> 01:17:02,331 So how ever did you get the newest version of Halo? 1103 01:17:02,498 --> 01:17:04,750 It's not due out for another six months. 1104 01:17:04,917 --> 01:17:10,130 Well, let's just say I said some things to the Make-A-Wish people... 1105 01:17:10,297 --> 01:17:12,424 ...that I'm not totally proud of. 1106 01:17:23,185 --> 01:17:24,812 I'm going to kill him. 1107 01:17:41,078 --> 01:17:43,330 Everybody, out! 1108 01:17:46,458 --> 01:17:51,046 Oh, no, no. No! No! No! Not Dr. Philsopholis. 1109 01:17:54,049 --> 01:17:55,884 This party is over! 1110 01:17:56,051 --> 01:18:01,557 Unless you want to spend the next three months in detention, leave! Now! 1111 01:18:03,600 --> 01:18:06,186 Okay. We better go warn Mark. 1112 01:18:09,940 --> 01:18:11,942 You really care about him, don't you? 1113 01:18:12,526 --> 01:18:16,196 - Yeah. - That's nice. That's really nice. 1114 01:18:16,363 --> 01:18:19,116 He really needs a male role model. 1115 01:18:19,283 --> 01:18:20,951 - He's a great kid. - Mm-hm. 1116 01:18:21,952 --> 01:18:24,079 You know, they both are. 1117 01:18:26,665 --> 01:18:28,625 I think you're a great mother. 1118 01:18:28,792 --> 01:18:30,335 Thank you. 1119 01:18:31,461 --> 01:18:33,338 He's on the balcony. He's right there. 1120 01:18:35,841 --> 01:18:39,303 - Mom? - This has been a really tough time... 1121 01:18:39,470 --> 01:18:42,806 ...and you really feel like part of the family. 1122 01:18:43,098 --> 01:18:47,478 You have no idea how amazing it is to hear you say that. 1123 01:18:57,696 --> 01:18:58,822 Scarlet. 1124 01:18:58,989 --> 01:19:02,117 Scarlet! Scarlet, I'm not Mark, okay? 1125 01:19:02,284 --> 01:19:06,038 - I'm him, I'm me. Scarlet, I'm your husband. - Will you stop it already? 1126 01:19:06,205 --> 01:19:09,500 If you'd listen to me, I am the father of your children! Scar, let me... 1127 01:19:09,666 --> 01:19:12,669 Don't call me that. Don't call me that! 1128 01:19:12,836 --> 01:19:15,589 You are a weirdo little man-child! 1129 01:19:15,756 --> 01:19:17,841 Give me two seconds, and I can explain this! 1130 01:19:18,008 --> 01:19:19,510 You are a pervert! 1131 01:19:30,354 --> 01:19:33,607 Get out, and get out, and get out. 1132 01:19:33,774 --> 01:19:35,317 You can leave. 1133 01:19:37,569 --> 01:19:42,199 Well, this isn't exactly the inconspicuous relationship I wanted. 1134 01:19:43,867 --> 01:19:46,870 I'm sure now you can see why I don't date my students' parents. 1135 01:19:48,622 --> 01:19:50,207 I'm sorry. 1136 01:19:56,213 --> 01:20:00,884 I'm sorry. I had no idea that it was going to get so out of control. 1137 01:20:01,468 --> 01:20:03,470 - Hm. - Really? 1138 01:20:08,600 --> 01:20:11,562 - Now I'm sorry. - I guess I deserved that. 1139 01:20:11,979 --> 01:20:14,815 The second one was out of line. It was uncalled for. Sorry. 1140 01:20:14,982 --> 01:20:17,234 Are you okay? I'm really sorry. 1141 01:20:19,111 --> 01:20:21,905 Three makes it even. Now we're even. 1142 01:20:24,449 --> 01:20:25,701 How are you? You okay? 1143 01:20:25,868 --> 01:20:27,202 Yeah. 1144 01:20:36,712 --> 01:20:39,464 And finished. 1145 01:20:40,924 --> 01:20:43,260 With the rug area. 1146 01:20:43,427 --> 01:20:45,762 But we've made very good progress. 1147 01:20:46,722 --> 01:20:47,764 We deserve a break. 1148 01:20:48,599 --> 01:20:50,476 I lost my family. 1149 01:20:51,935 --> 01:20:52,936 Hey, Mike? 1150 01:20:53,145 --> 01:20:56,773 If it's any consolation, I think you really did help your kids. 1151 01:20:57,149 --> 01:21:00,402 You did your job, and now the hero can move on. 1152 01:21:00,819 --> 01:21:02,613 I don't want to. 1153 01:21:03,405 --> 01:21:06,283 Maybe they don't need me anymore, but I need them. 1154 01:21:08,160 --> 01:21:10,120 Hey, not to be a buzzkill... 1155 01:21:10,287 --> 01:21:11,872 ...but you're due in court... 1156 01:21:12,623 --> 01:21:14,291 ...in 22 minutes. 1157 01:21:15,292 --> 01:21:17,252 Ned, I need more time. 1158 01:21:17,753 --> 01:21:20,255 - I have to stop this. - To the Nedmobile. 1159 01:21:20,589 --> 01:21:22,257 - Wait, Ned, Ned, Ned. - Yes. 1160 01:21:22,424 --> 01:21:26,261 - Pants. - I should have pants on. Yes. 1161 01:21:36,730 --> 01:21:38,232 Come on, Glenn! 1162 01:21:38,941 --> 01:21:41,193 He's nothing but a glorified midget wrangler. 1163 01:21:41,485 --> 01:21:43,654 You wouldn't be so big without that vest! 1164 01:21:43,821 --> 01:21:47,366 Grab that thing that's down there. Grab it. Just hold that up. 1165 01:21:47,533 --> 01:21:49,451 - Where you get this? - Best 20 ever spent. 1166 01:21:49,618 --> 01:21:51,495 Saves me a half hour on my commute. 1167 01:21:51,662 --> 01:21:53,997 Dude, just hold it. Hold it way up. 1168 01:22:12,224 --> 01:22:14,893 The whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help you God? 1169 01:22:15,060 --> 01:22:16,353 I do. 1170 01:22:16,520 --> 01:22:18,856 You request a divorce by the state of California... 1171 01:22:19,022 --> 01:22:21,358 ...citing irreconcilable differences. This correct? 1172 01:22:21,525 --> 01:22:25,445 - Yes, Your Honor. - Is Michael O'Donnell present? 1173 01:22:25,779 --> 01:22:26,822 No, Your Honor. 1174 01:22:26,989 --> 01:22:30,033 I take his absence as agreement to the orders of the divorce. 1175 01:22:34,538 --> 01:22:37,708 - You are not requesting sole custody? - No, Your Honor. 1176 01:22:38,375 --> 01:22:40,294 "You can't handle the truth!" 1177 01:22:41,545 --> 01:22:42,629 What? 1178 01:22:42,796 --> 01:22:46,008 I'm sorry, I panicked. It was the first thing that came into my mind. 1179 01:22:46,175 --> 01:22:48,802 Your Majesty. 1180 01:22:49,178 --> 01:22:51,305 - Who are you? - That's my husband's best friend. 1181 01:22:52,639 --> 01:22:54,183 You a lawyer, best friend? 1182 01:22:55,058 --> 01:22:56,560 - Yes. - No. 1183 01:22:56,727 --> 01:23:00,063 I believe the law degree in my pocket says so. 1184 01:23:00,230 --> 01:23:04,735 Yes, and it's a little bit smeared because I sat on it in the car... 1185 01:23:04,902 --> 01:23:08,197 ...not because I printed it out recently. 1186 01:23:11,492 --> 01:23:14,161 Let's pretend that's real. Want to explain what you're doing? 1187 01:23:15,037 --> 01:23:16,538 We... 1188 01:23:17,498 --> 01:23:19,833 ...are stopping a gross... 1189 01:23:21,585 --> 01:23:23,086 ...miscarriage ofjustice! 1190 01:23:23,962 --> 01:23:25,297 That... 1191 01:23:26,173 --> 01:23:29,051 Okay, if you'd just let me explain. I can explain this. 1192 01:23:29,218 --> 01:23:30,594 If you would just listen... 1193 01:23:30,761 --> 01:23:34,640 I've got a letter from Mike O'Donnell, he's the husband in this case! 1194 01:23:34,807 --> 01:23:36,308 I'm sorry. We're in the middle... 1195 01:23:36,475 --> 01:23:39,895 Your Honor, if it's okay, I'd like to hear the letter, please. 1196 01:23:47,569 --> 01:23:49,238 Thank you, Your Honor. 1197 01:23:52,032 --> 01:23:54,159 This is a letter from Mike O'Donnell. 1198 01:23:54,451 --> 01:23:56,286 He wanted me to read it. 1199 01:23:59,665 --> 01:24:01,208 "Scarlet... 1200 01:24:03,085 --> 01:24:05,254 ...before you go through with this... 1201 01:24:05,420 --> 01:24:09,716 ...I want to remind you of September 7th, 1988. 1202 01:24:12,094 --> 01:24:13,929 It was the first time that I saw you. 1203 01:24:16,431 --> 01:24:18,559 You were reading Less Than Zero. 1204 01:24:19,268 --> 01:24:22,938 You were wearing a Guns N' Roses T-shirt. 1205 01:24:25,315 --> 01:24:27,985 I'd never seen anything so perfect. 1206 01:24:31,780 --> 01:24:34,950 I remember thinking that I had to have you, or I'd die. 1207 01:24:38,287 --> 01:24:39,997 Then you whispered that you loved me... 1208 01:24:43,041 --> 01:24:45,002 ...at the homecoming dance. 1209 01:24:48,672 --> 01:24:50,174 And I felt... 1210 01:24:51,008 --> 01:24:52,759 ...so peaceful... 1211 01:24:54,928 --> 01:24:56,472 ...and safe. 1212 01:24:58,640 --> 01:25:01,727 Because I knew that no matter what happened from that day on... 1213 01:25:01,894 --> 01:25:04,396 ...nothing could ever be that bad. 1214 01:25:05,189 --> 01:25:06,982 Because I had you. 1215 01:25:08,942 --> 01:25:10,277 Uh... 1216 01:25:11,028 --> 01:25:12,571 And then I grew up... 1217 01:25:14,198 --> 01:25:16,033 ...and I lost my way. 1218 01:25:19,077 --> 01:25:21,622 And I blamed you for my failures. 1219 01:25:25,959 --> 01:25:29,046 And I know that you think you have to do this today. 1220 01:25:31,048 --> 01:25:32,883 I don't want you to. 1221 01:25:37,846 --> 01:25:39,389 But I guess... 1222 01:25:43,060 --> 01:25:44,728 ...if I love you... 1223 01:25:48,357 --> 01:25:50,526 ...I should let you move on." 1224 01:25:54,738 --> 01:25:56,365 All right, son, you need to go now. 1225 01:26:18,720 --> 01:26:20,389 Let's proceed. 1226 01:26:23,100 --> 01:26:25,269 I'm sorry, Your Honor. Would it be okay... 1227 01:26:25,435 --> 01:26:28,397 ...if we postpone this for now for just a little while? 1228 01:26:28,564 --> 01:26:30,232 Would that be okay? 1229 01:26:31,150 --> 01:26:32,901 Postponed 30 days. Next case. 1230 01:26:59,678 --> 01:27:01,972 Haven't seen you practice this hard since school. 1231 01:27:02,139 --> 01:27:05,184 Yeah, you know, if I want to impress these college scouts... 1232 01:27:05,350 --> 01:27:07,769 ...then I need to stay focused. 1233 01:27:07,936 --> 01:27:11,440 Wait, wait. You're not still trying to get a scholarship, are you? 1234 01:27:12,024 --> 01:27:15,986 Be careful, man. You do not want to get off of the spirit path. 1235 01:27:16,153 --> 01:27:20,616 There's no path, Ned! There's no path! I can't do it! 1236 01:27:20,866 --> 01:27:22,534 I just made it worse for them. 1237 01:27:22,701 --> 01:27:27,498 My wife is happier, everyone's happier with me out of the picture, Ned. 1238 01:27:28,207 --> 01:27:29,958 It's time to move on. 1239 01:28:02,366 --> 01:28:04,117 It's time to go, Mom. 1240 01:28:18,215 --> 01:28:21,051 Hey, Gold, save something for the game, huh? 1241 01:28:21,218 --> 01:28:23,137 Just warming up, coach. 1242 01:28:23,303 --> 01:28:25,556 Got a little inside info for you. 1243 01:28:25,722 --> 01:28:29,268 The scout from Ohio State is back, and the coach is with him. 1244 01:28:29,726 --> 01:28:32,146 You play half the game I know you're capable of... 1245 01:28:32,312 --> 01:28:34,982 ...you're going to be playing college ball next year, huh? 1246 01:28:35,149 --> 01:28:37,151 - That's the plan, coach. - Give me the ball. 1247 01:28:39,736 --> 01:28:43,031 All right, gather up, jockstraps. Picture time. 1248 01:28:43,198 --> 01:28:45,075 Try not to break the camera. 1249 01:29:30,454 --> 01:29:33,957 I can't wait to go to Georgetown and start dating college boys. 1250 01:29:38,795 --> 01:29:42,424 I thought Mark was hanging out with Alex to get to me, not you. 1251 01:29:43,467 --> 01:29:46,011 All right, ladies, let's bring it in. 1252 01:29:48,263 --> 01:29:50,808 Jane! Jane! 1253 01:29:51,642 --> 01:29:54,478 Jane! I'm sorry, sorry. 1254 01:29:54,728 --> 01:29:56,647 - Ned, Ned, Ned. - Oh, sorry. 1255 01:29:56,814 --> 01:29:59,566 - Ned. Yeah. Hi. - Hi. 1256 01:30:00,818 --> 01:30:02,945 - I need to talk to you. - What are you doing? 1257 01:30:03,111 --> 01:30:05,113 I practiced this, uh. 1258 01:30:05,280 --> 01:30:06,782 Okay. 1259 01:30:06,949 --> 01:30:13,455 I have just seen my best friend lose everything than means anything to him. 1260 01:30:13,622 --> 01:30:15,374 And maybe we'll never be there, but... 1261 01:30:15,541 --> 01:30:20,337 Yes, I understand, but I have told you before that I am the principal... 1262 01:30:20,504 --> 01:30:22,965 - Yes. ...and I cannot be seen... 1263 01:30:23,132 --> 01:30:24,633 ...with my students' parents. 1264 01:30:24,800 --> 01:30:28,011 But, Jane, how can you be seen with me... 1265 01:30:28,178 --> 01:30:30,806 ...when I'm wearing the cloak of invisibility? 1266 01:30:33,308 --> 01:30:37,437 Jane, all I'm asking is a chance for us to be friends. 1267 01:30:38,522 --> 01:30:41,441 Because you're the one I want by my side... 1268 01:30:41,608 --> 01:30:44,945 ...when I'm storming the Elvish Castle of Ganakinesh. 1269 01:30:50,826 --> 01:30:52,953 You can plunder my dungeon anytime. 1270 01:30:53,245 --> 01:30:55,038 I'll bring my long bow. 1271 01:30:55,956 --> 01:30:58,667 Warriors! Yeah! 1272 01:31:01,461 --> 01:31:03,213 Come on. 1273 01:31:16,894 --> 01:31:18,729 Oh, my God. 1274 01:31:18,896 --> 01:31:20,898 Mom? Are you okay? 1275 01:31:22,316 --> 01:31:25,527 I can't be here again. I have to go. 1276 01:31:46,215 --> 01:31:48,550 - The game. That's your future. - The baby's my future. 1277 01:31:49,510 --> 01:31:52,721 That's crazy, Mike. No, I can't let you throw this all away. 1278 01:31:52,888 --> 01:31:54,223 Bye, Mike. 1279 01:31:54,389 --> 01:31:55,849 High school star. Never lived up to potential. 1280 01:31:56,016 --> 01:31:58,519 - What are you doing? - I want to live in the past. 1281 01:31:58,685 --> 01:32:01,730 I'll bet you wish you had it to do all over again. 1282 01:32:01,897 --> 01:32:03,190 Hello?! 1283 01:32:03,357 --> 01:32:05,108 It's a classic transformation story. 1284 01:32:05,984 --> 01:32:08,111 Spirit guide? 1285 01:32:08,445 --> 01:32:10,531 You and me, we're in this together. 1286 01:32:13,450 --> 01:32:14,535 It's your turn now. 1287 01:32:22,292 --> 01:32:23,293 Traveling. 1288 01:32:23,460 --> 01:32:24,962 Green ball! 1289 01:32:25,295 --> 01:32:27,297 O'Donnell, get in there! 1290 01:32:27,464 --> 01:32:28,882 Scarlet! 1291 01:32:30,259 --> 01:32:31,635 Scar? 1292 01:32:33,262 --> 01:32:34,805 Scarlet? 1293 01:32:53,115 --> 01:32:54,700 It is you. 1294 01:33:01,582 --> 01:33:02,708 Hi. 1295 01:33:04,334 --> 01:33:05,627 "Hi"? 1296 01:33:07,337 --> 01:33:08,464 I can explain. 1297 01:33:10,466 --> 01:33:11,842 You can? 1298 01:33:12,009 --> 01:33:13,927 No, not at all. 1299 01:33:15,512 --> 01:33:19,391 - You didn't have to come after me again. - Yes, I did, because I love you. 1300 01:33:20,184 --> 01:33:23,312 You're the best decision I ever made, I just forgot. 1301 01:33:24,771 --> 01:33:29,318 And then I fell off a bridge and things got pretty weird after that. 1302 01:33:29,485 --> 01:33:31,737 But I'm never going to forget again. 1303 01:33:33,322 --> 01:33:37,034 Look, I know that I've been in a bad mood for the last... 1304 01:33:37,659 --> 01:33:39,161 ...20 years. 1305 01:33:40,204 --> 01:33:44,666 But if you let me, I swear, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. 1306 01:33:46,043 --> 01:33:48,712 I thought I wanted a second chance at life... 1307 01:33:48,879 --> 01:33:52,424 ...but now I know I just want a second chance with y... 1308 01:33:56,136 --> 01:33:57,513 Weird. 1309 01:33:57,888 --> 01:33:59,223 Yeah. 1310 01:34:01,058 --> 01:34:02,684 I missed you. 1311 01:34:09,733 --> 01:34:14,696 Yeah, I'm gonna put you down because this was a lot easier before. 1312 01:34:15,364 --> 01:34:18,826 Yeah, you did have that six-pack thing going. 1313 01:34:18,992 --> 01:34:20,869 Is there any chance I'll see that again? 1314 01:34:21,036 --> 01:34:23,705 I knew you were checking me out. 1315 01:34:26,250 --> 01:34:29,545 Go! Go! Go! 1316 01:34:32,381 --> 01:34:34,550 Adults can have that, though. 1317 01:34:34,716 --> 01:34:37,553 Well, I'll work on it. Maybe I'll jog home. 1318 01:34:45,018 --> 01:34:46,061 Ned, hey. 1319 01:34:46,228 --> 01:34:49,690 I packed up all my stuff and I wanted to give your key back and say thanks. 1320 01:34:49,857 --> 01:34:51,316 Hey, whoa. No. No. 1321 01:34:51,483 --> 01:34:54,862 Wasn't expecting to see you there, Principal Masterson. 1322 01:34:55,070 --> 01:34:57,156 You look very pretty. 1323 01:34:57,322 --> 01:34:58,365 Thank you. 1324 01:34:58,532 --> 01:35:00,117 The Force is strong in this one. 1325 01:35:00,284 --> 01:35:02,828 So I guess I'll be seeing you at work, boss. 1326 01:35:02,995 --> 01:35:05,539 Oh, yes, uh, Coach O'Donnell. 1327 01:35:05,706 --> 01:35:08,917 And, um, we are very happy to have you aboard. 1328 01:35:09,626 --> 01:35:12,880 Buddy, I got you a little something for your first day at your new job. 1329 01:35:13,046 --> 01:35:15,924 Don't think about how much it cost, it's not much. 1330 01:35:17,968 --> 01:35:20,053 Hey, you got me a whistle. 1331 01:35:21,472 --> 01:35:22,639 Don't blow it. 1332 01:35:25,350 --> 01:35:26,393 Play big. 1333 01:35:27,186 --> 01:35:28,270 You too. 1334 01:35:29,938 --> 01:35:31,648 - Good luck. - Love you! 1335 01:35:31,815 --> 01:35:33,317 Love you! 99939

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