Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪ - ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪ - ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

JANET, HAVE YOU SEEN MY OTHER SHOE?

WHAT OTHER SHOE?

THE ONE THAT GOES WITH THIS ONE.

CHRISSY, WHAT SHOE ARE YOU WEARING?

THE LEFT ONE.

THEN YOU MUST BE LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT ONE?

WELL OF COURSE I AM. WHY WOULD I BE LOOKING FOR THE WRONG ONE?

TRUE, TRUE. HOW STUPID OF ME.

SOMETIMES IT SURE TAKES YOU A LONG TIME TO FIGURE THINGS OUT.

I'M SORRY.

JANET, PLEASE HELP ME. I'VE BEEN LOOKING AND LOOKING,

- AND I CAN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE. - OKAY, OKAY. LOOK, JUST SAY TO YOURSELF,

"IF I WERE A SHOE, WHERE WOULD I BE?"

- AND THEN GO THERE. - THAT'S GOOD.

N...

IF I WERE A SHOE, WHERE WOULD I BE?

JANET! YOU DID IT!

- I FOUND IT! - OH, COME ON, CHRISSY, DON'T KID ME.

YOU KNEW WHERE THAT SHOE WAS ALL THE TIME.

NO, I DIDN'T.

ARE... ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME

- THAT MY DUMB SYSTEM WORKED? - YEAH.

- BUT CHRISSY, THAT'S CRAZY. - NO, IT ISN'T.

WHEN I WAS ASKING MYSELF, "WHERE WOULD I BE IF I WERE A SHOE,"

I LOOKED DOWN AND THERE WAS MY SHOE STICKING OUT FROM UNDER THE COUCH.

OH, WELL THEN YOU DIDN'T NEED MY HELP.

OF COURSE I DID. IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOUR QUESTION

- I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN LOOKING DOWN. - CHRISSY.

- I WOULD'VE BEEN LOOKING STRAIGHT AHEAD LIKE THIS. - OKAY.

AND IF I'D BEEN LOOKING STRAIGHT AHEAD I NEVER WOULD HAVE FOUND MY SHOE.

YEAH, COULD WE JUST DROP IT, PLEASE?

- I JUST WANT TO SAY THANK YOU. - CHRISSY, LOOK, FORGET IT.

BOY, SOME PEOPLE SURE CAN'T ACCEPT A COMPLIMENT.

OH, I'M SORRY, CHRISSY.

I'M REAL GLAD YOU FOUND YOUR SHOE.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY BROWN BELT?

HOW COME YOU'RE MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OVER A BLIND DATE, ANYWAY?

IT IS NOT JUST A DATE, IT'S BUSINESS.

THIS WALTER NESSLE IS ONE OF OUR COMPANY'S

BIG EXECUTIVES FROM BACK EAST.

SO HOW COME YOU GOT STUCK WITH HIM?

HE HAS A DAY LAYOVER, AND MY BOSS ASKED ME

- IF I'D TAKE HIM OUT FOR A BITE. - OR AT LEAST A HICKEY?

JANET!

- ARE YOU GOING OUT TONIGHT? - OH NO. NO.

- WHY? - WELL, THERE'S A GREAT MOVIE ON TV,

A TERRIFIC BOOK I'D LIKE TO FINISH,

- AND NOBODY ASKED ME. - YOU SHOULD'VE LET ME KNOW.

- I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU. - NO, I MEAN I COULD'VE...

- (doorbell rings) - OH, MY DATE IS RIGHT HERE. RIGHT ON TIME.

- GOOD EVENING. - OH, HOW THOUGHTFUL,

INSTEAD OF FLOWERS, HE BROUGHT A FRIEND.

COME IN. OH, COME IN.

LOOK, JANET, THERE ARE TWO OF THEM. WE CAN DOUBLE DATE.

OH, NO, NO, I DON'T...

SHE'S A LITTLE SHY, BUT WHEN SHE GETS GOING,

SHE'S DYNAMITE.

GO GET DRESSED, HURRY UP. NOW, WALTER, YOU AND...

- MA'AM, WE'RE HERE... - (phone rings)

EXCUSE ME.

HELLO?

OH, HI, WALTER.

NO, YOU'RE NOT LATE, YOU JUST GOT HERE.

IN FACT, YOU'RE BOTH HERE.

OH... EXCUSE ME.

- JANET. - HMM?

ONE OF THESE GUYS ISN'T WALTER, AND NEITHER IS THE OTHER ONE.

OH. (laughs nervously)

WELL... (laughs)

WHO ARE YOU?

WE'RE WITH THE F.B.I.

- (Chrissy gasps) - THE F.B.I?

YES MA'AM. YOU CAN PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN.

I'M SPECIAL AGENT ROTH,

AND THIS IS SPECIAL AGENT BANNING.

OH WOW, I'M SORRY.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE WALTER BECAUSE HE'S FROM BACK EAST

AND OUT HERE ONLY NERDS WEAR CLOTHES AND HAIRCUTS LIKE YOURS.

YOU'D BETTER TAKE IT, JANET.

WAIT A MINUTE. HOLD ON JUST A SECOND.

YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN THOSE BADGES OUT OF A BUBBLE-GUM MACHINE

FOR ALL WE KNOW. LET'S HAVE MORE THAN JUST A QUICK FLASH.

THEY COULD BE JUST A COUPLE OF CLOWNS WHO...

PRETTY BADGES.

- OH! - CHRISSY,

- JUST CALM DOWN. - I'M CALM.

- WE'RE LOOKING FOR A JACK TRIPPER. - Both: JACK?

- YOU DO KNOW HIM, DON'T YOU? - WELL...

DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW ANYBODY?

BUT HE DOES LIVE HERE?

WELL...

DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW WHERE ANYBODY LIVES?

(both laugh nervously)

WELL, IS HE HOME?

WE DON'T KNOW WHERE JACK IS.

NO, JACK'S ALWAYS ON THE RUN.

- SHH! - I MEAN...

- ON THE GO. - YEAH, HE GOES ALL THE TIME.

COULD YOU TELL US WHY YOU WANNA SEE HIM?

IT'S A FEDERAL MATTER. DO YOU KNOW OF HIS ASSOCIATION

WITH A B. MILLER?

WHO'S SHE?

BENJAMIN MILLER.

WHAT A WEIRD NAME FOR A GIRL.

SHE'S A MAN.

WELL, HAVE MR. TRIPPER CALL THIS NUMBER WHEN YOU SEE HIM.

OKAY.

BUT YOU KNOW, IT'S PROBABLY GONNA BE A REALLY LONG TIME

- BEFORE WE SEE HIM. - WE'LL STILL BE THERE.

- (Chrissy gasps) - CHRISSY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, THE F.B.I.

- AND THEY'RE AFTER JACK. - YEAH.

OH, JANET, JACK'S IN TROUBLE. WE GOTTA HELP HIM.

OH, BUT HOW?

- LET'S CALL THE POLICE. - NO!

GET READY FOR THE WORLD'S GREATEST BAVARIAN CREAM PIE.

JACK, WE ARE SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

I HAVE MADE SOME BRILLIANT PIES BEFORE,

BUT THIS ONE COULD BRING WORLD PEACE.

JACK, WE HAVE BAD NEWS.

I MAY BE ABLE TO CHALLENGE THE WORLD'S GREATEST PIE-MAKERS.

JACK, PLEASE, THE F.B.I. WAS HERE.

JUST WAIT TILL YOU TURN ON YOUR TASTE BUDS WITH THIS BEAUTY.

JACK, THE F.B.I. WAS LOOKING FOR YOU.

- FOR ME? - (Janet screams)

NOTHING. I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER ANY BEN MILLER.

- OH, JACK. - I DON'T THINK THERE EVEN IS A BEN MILLER.

(sighs) OKAY. LET'S JUST START AT THE BEGINNING,

AND WE'LL GO THROUGH ALL THE IMPORTANT THINGS THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.

YEAH! JACK TRIPPER,

THIS IS YOUR LIFE. (snorts, laughs)

CHRISSY, DO YOU WANNA HELP ME OR NOT?

- YEAH. - THEN NO MORE... (snorting)

OKAY?

- OKAY. - I'M SORRY, CHRISSY,

- BUT I'M UNDER TREMENDOUS PRESSURE HERE... - I'M JUST TRYING...

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, FORGET THE EARLY YEARS.

- WE'LL GO RIGHT TO HIGH SCHOOL. - OKAY.

- DO YOU REMEMBER A BEN MILLER FROM HIGH SCHOOL? - NO, I...

- WAIT A MINUTE. - Janet: HMM?

- I REMEMBER A SUSIE MILLER. - DID SHE HAVE A BROTHER?

IF SHE DID, I WOULDN'T BE ALIVE TODAY.

OKAY, WHAT ABOUT THE NAVY, JACK?

- MAYBE YOU KNEW HIM THERE. - THE NAVY, LET'S SEE,

MY SQUAD WAS BECKENDORF, CARLISLE, MORGAN,

DOYLE, BENDER, WATTS... WAIT... WAIT!

YEAH, MY COMMANDING OFFICER AT BOOT CAMP WAS NAMED MILLER.

- WHAT WAS HIS FIRST NAME? - CAPTAIN! OH NO.

- JACK, COME ON. - I'M SORRY,

I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER.

WHEN YOU CAN'T REMEMBER, MY OLD AUNTIE SAYS...

WAIT A MINUTE, ANTE.

- ANTE, THAT'S HIM! - HIS NAME WAS AUNTIE MILLER?

NO, NO. ANTE, LIKE IN POKER.

YOU KNOW, "ANTE UP"? BEN, IS BIPPO.

BIPPO MILLER. WE PLAYED POKER TOGETHER IN THE SERVICE.

- OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC. - NO, IT'S NOT.

THAT'S WHY THE F.B.I. IS AFTER ME.

Both girls: WHY?

ABOUT SIX WEEKS BEFORE I GOT OUT

THEY SENT US ALL TO A SEPARATION CAMP.

THERE WAS NOTHING TO DO ALL DAY LONG BUT PLAY POKER.

IS THAT WHAT THEY CALL WAR GAMES? (snorts, laughs)

HEY! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT... (snorts)

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

CHRISSY, THIS IS NO TIME TO BE FUNNY. GO ON.

- GO ON. - WELL, SEE,

WE GOT IN THIS BIG GAME AND BIPPO ENDED UP OWING ME $100.

WELL, IT JUST SO HAPPENED HE WORKED IN THE PERSONNEL OFFICE.

SO HE OFFERED TO PAY ME BACK BY MOVING MY DISCHARGE UP A WEEK.

SO LIKE A JERK, I AGREED TO IT.

I THINK HE FORGOT THE ENDING.

NO, CHRISSY, DON'T YOU SEE?

THEY FOUND OUT THAT I DIDN'T DO MY FULL TIME. I'M AWOL.

OH, WHAT'S A WALL?

AWOL, CHRISSY, COME ON. ABSENT WITHOUT LEAVE.

OH, DON'T YOU SEE? I'M A DESERTER.

THEY'RE GONNA COURT-MARTIAL ME.

I'LL GET SENT TO LEAVENWORTH MAKING BIG ONES

INTO LITTLE ONES ON THE ROCK PILE.

I CAN'T DO THAT. I'LL GO BERSERK.

I'LL TRY TO ESCAPE. I'LL JUMP OVER THE WALL

AND THEY'LL SEE ME AND THEY'LL SHOOT ME.

OH, JANET, CHRISSY, I DON'T WANNA DIE ON THE PRISON WALL ALONE.

JACK, COME ON, JUST RELAX.

YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA DIE IN BED.

AND IF YOU DO, 10 TO ONE YOU WON'T BE ALONE.

- (doorbell rings) - JACK.

- THAT'S THEM! - (Chrissy yelps)

JACK, WILL YOU CALM DOWN? IT'S JUST MY DATE.

I FORGOT HE WAS STILL COMING.

OH!

- IT'S THEM. HIDE! - Janet: IN THE KITCHEN.

NO, THAT'S THE FIRST PLACE THEY'LL LOOK.

EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW MUCH I LIKE TO COOK. MY BEDROOM!

NO! NO, NO! THAT'S THE SECOND PLACE THEY'LL LOOK.

- EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW MUCH YOU LIKE TO... - YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOUR BEDROOM!

WHY DID YOU SLAM THE DOOR IN OUR FACES?

WELL, YOU SEE, I WASN'T SURE THAT I WAS DECENT.

SO I TOOK A QUICK LOOK, AND I AM.

COME IN.

HAS MR. TRIPPER COME HOME YET?

WELL, YOU KNOW...

WE HAVE SO MANY PEOPLE LIVING HERE

THAT THERE'S JUST ALWAYS SOMEBODY COMING IN AND GOING OUT.

SOMETIMES I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I'M SLEEPING WITH.

WHAT SHE MEANT TO SAY WAS

THAT SHE SHARES HER ROOM WITH SO MANY OTHER GIRLS.

YOU KNOW?

WHAT TIME DO YOU EXPECT HIM BACK?

I'M TELLING YOU, WE JUST DON'T KNOW.

IT COULD BE DAYS.

- WEEKS. - IN THAT CASE, WE'LL COME BACK.

YOU STILL HAVE OUR CARD.

WE'LL SEE THAT JACK GETS IT THE MINUTE YOU LEAVE.

ON SECOND THOUGHT, WE'LL STAY.

WELL IN THAT CASE, SIT DOWN.

- WELL! - (both girls shout)

- AS LONG AS WE'RE WAITING, - Janet: YEAH?

- I'LL GET A LITTLE INFORMATION ON EACH OF YOU. - Janet: OH.

Banning: YOUR NAME IS?

I HAVE TO MAKE MY BED.

SHE'S VERY NEAT.

(doorbell rings)

I'LL GET THAT. EXCUSE ME.

THAT MAY BE TRIPPER.

I COULD... OKAY.

- HELLO. - HI, CHRISSY?

OH, NO, NO, I'M JANET. PLEASE COME IN.

- MR. TRIPPER? - OH, NO, I'M WALTER NESSLE, FROM NEW YORK.

I HAVE A DATE WITH CHRISSY.

WHO ARE YOU?

THE F.B.I. CAN WE SEE SOME ID?

OH, ANY TIME.

OKAY.

I'VE MET PROTECTIVE FATHERS, BUT ISN'T THIS A BIT MUCH?

OH NO, MR. NESSLE. THEY'RE NOT HERE FOR THAT.

- COME AND SIT DOWN. - OH, OKAY.

THEY COME AROUND OFTEN?

EVERY NOW AND AGAIN.

WELL, YOU KNOW HOW SECURITY BUILDINGS ARE.

- OH, YEAH. - I'LL JUST HINT TO CHRISSY THAT SHE SHOULD HURRY.

- OKAY, THANK YOU. - (shouting) CHRISSY, YOUR DATE'S HERE!

- I'M SORRY. - COMING.

OH, SO YOU'RE CHRISSY.

(high voice) NO, SILLY, I AM.

I TELL YOU, CHRISSY, IT'S GONNA BE A REAL PLEASURE

TAKING YOU OUT.

OH, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HAPPY I AM TO GET OUT... GO OUT.

DOESN'T CHRISSY LOOK PRETTY TONIGHT, JANET?

HUH?

OH! OH, YES. SHE'S... SHE'S...

TRY STUNNING.

I'M STUNNED.

COME ON, CHRISSY, LET'S BREAK OUT OF HERE.

JUST KIDDING, FELLAS.

- EXCUSE ME, CHRISSY. - NOT NOW, JANET. GOTTA RUN.

PARDON ME, DEAR, BUT YOUR ZIPPER IS OPEN.

Janet: NO, IN THE BACK.

ALLOW ME, SWEETMEAT.

(regular voice) WATCH IT, CREEP. I MEAN...

(high voice) YOU DARLING DEVIL, GIVE ME MY SHAWL BACK.

EXCUSE US, SIR.

- Both: YES. - Jack: OH!

WALTER, I THINK THEY WANT YOU.

WOULD YOU MIND WAITING FOR A MINUTE?

- NO. - WE'D LIKE TO ASK THE YOUNG LADY SOME QUESTIONS.

BOYS, SHAME ON YOU. WALTER SAW ME FIRST,

- BE GOOD SPORTS. - CHRISSY, THESE MEN ARE THE F.B.I.

OH, HOW EXCITING, G-MEN.

NO, F-MEN.

DO YOU KNOW JACK TRIPPER?

OH YES, JACK TRIPPER AND I ARE VERY CLOSE.

WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT HIM?

OH, NOSY.

JUST TRYING TO DO OUR JOBS, MA'AM.

WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS...

TO KNOW HIM IS TO LOVE HIM. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, GIRLS?

YES. YES, HE'S VERY LOVABLE.

IN SPITE OF HIS LOOKS.

(coughs)

- WHAT ELSE CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT HIM? - THAT'S ABOUT IT,

- COME ON, HERSHEY, LET'S TROT. - NESSLE.

WHATEVER.

BYE, FELLAS, NICE MEETING YOU.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS VERY STRANGE.

I'VE JUST MET YOU

AND ALREADY I FEEL SO COMFORTABLE WITH YOU.

JUST LIKE I'M ONE OF THE BOYS, HUH?

OH NO, YOU'RE ALL WOMAN.

OH BOY, ARE YOU IN FOR A SURPRISE. I'M NOT...

I'M NOT THE KIND OF GIRL WHO KISSES ON THE FIRST DATE.

FANTASTIC, THAT MEANS WE CAN GET TO THE GOOD STUFF RIGHT AWAY.

DOES SOMETHING SEEM NOT QUITE RIGHT TO YOU?

YEAH, THERE'S DEFINITELY SOMETHING FISHY ABOUT THAT NESSLE GUY.

OH NO, THEY'RE FOLLOWING JACK.

I DON'T BLAME THEM. HE'S PRETTY AND HE EVEN KNOWS HOW TO COOK.

COME ON, CHRISSY. WE'D BETTER GO WARN HIM.

WAIT A MINUTE. ISN'T IT AGAINST THE LAW TO FOLLOW THE F.B.I.?

OH, COME ON!

ANOTHER SCOTCH, JIM.

AREN'T YOU HAVING A LITTLE MORE THAN USUAL TONIGHT, LARRY?

IT'S MEDICINE TO HELP ME GET OVER LUCILLE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE WALKED OUT ON ME.

- YEAH, BUT DRINKING... - SHE WAS ONE OF A KIND.

I WORSHIPPED HER, JIM.

RIGHT FROM THE START, I KNEW

SHE WAS THE ONLY GIRL IN THE WORLD FOR ME.

WHENEVER WE WERE TOGETHER

NOTHING ELSE MATTERED.

OH GOD, THE FUN WE HAD.

WALKING, TALKING, LAUGHING, (laughs)

THAT'S ALL GONE NOW.

AWW.

- HOW LONG DID YOU KNOW HER? - A COUPLE OF HOURS.

(high voice) NOW, WALT... WALTER,

WALTER, CAN'T WE GO SOMEPLACE ELSE?

YEAH, SURE, BUT I'M THIRSTY. YOU KNOW,

LIKE ONE FIREFLY SAID TO THE OTHER, "LET'S GET A QUICK GLOW ON."

- (laughs) - (Jack fake laughs)

WHOA! HA.

YOU ARE MY KIND OF GIRL, CHRISSY.

WELL, I'M NOT THE KIND OF GIRL YOU THINK I AM.

(snorts, laughs)

LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT.

I AM NOT A ONE-NIGHT- STAND TYPE OF GUY.

- OOH. - RIGHT NOW, YOU AND I ARE AT LEVEL ONE.

I MEAN, I'D LIKE TO SPEND A COUPLE OF WEEKS,

EVEN MONTHS GETTING TO KNOW A GIRL BEFORE I TRY ANYTHING PHYSICAL.

- THAT'S LEVEL TWO. - IT'S SUCH A SHAME YOU'RE LEAVING IN THE MORNING.

I KNOW. THINK WE CAN GET TO LEVEL TWO BY 6:00?

OH, WALT, BABY, BE PATIENT.

YOU'RE GONNA GO RIGHT THROUGH THE ROOF A LOT SOONER THAN THAT.

OH, BOY! (laughs)

LISTEN, I GOTTA GO TO THE LITTLE BOYS' ROOM,

BUT WHEN I COME BACK, WE'LL HAVE THE WHOLE EVENING

TO MAKE THE EARTH MOVE.

I HOPE YOU BROUGHT A BIG SHOVEL.

OH, I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT.

(groans)

(Jack screams)

HEY NOW, YOU KNOW...

YOU SHOULDN'T HIDE ALL THAT BEAUTY,

SWEET THING.

SO GORGEOUS.

AND SO STRONG.

I NEVER SPEAK TO STRANGERS IN BARS.

THEN LET'S BECOME FRIENDS.

THAT'S MY KNEE.

THAT'S MY HAND.

THIS IS MY ELBOW.

Janet: HI! HI!

WE DIDN'T EXPECT TO MEET YOU HERE.

LISTEN, HOW ABOUT IF UNCLE SAM PICKS UP THE TAB FOR A CHANGE?

- BUY US A DRINK. - WELL, WILBUR, I...

- OH, JUST THIS ONCE. - SAILOR.

WHO WILL KNOW? COME ON. SIT DOWN.

HERE, THIS'LL BE SO MUCH FUN.

(Larry laughs)

ANGEL, DON'T YOU EVER LEAVE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN.

MY WHOLE LIFE PASSED IN FRONT OF MY EYES.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE SWACKED. THE ROOM'S SPINNING, LARRY.

DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

THE ANSWER TO MY PRAYERS.

COME ON, JUST TRY AND FOCUS, OKAY?

DOES THE NAME JACK TRIPPER MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

JACK TRIPPER?

- COME ON. - OF COURSE.

YOU'RE JACK'S SISTER.

I SHOULD'VE NOTICED THE RESEMBLANCE.

LARRY, YOU CLUCK, IT'S ME, JACK!

IT IS YOU.

DOES THIS MEAN... ROPER WAS RIGHT?

- JUST KIDDING. - (purse thumps on table)

(laughs) GOSH, YOU'RE SO CUTE.

HEY, TELL ME WHAT IT IS THAT YOU DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE NOT OFF CHASING DOWN DANGEROUS CRIMINALS

OR ENEMY AGENTS.

I TRY TO GET AWAY FROM THE VIOLENT WORLD I'M PART OF.

I PRACTICE KARATE, I HUNT, I COLLECT GUNS AND SWORDS.

SO YOU SEE, LARRY, THEY'RE FOLLOWING ME,

MAN, YOU GOTTA HELP ME.

- DID YOU PIERCE YOUR EARS? - COME ON!

ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

JUST PRETEND I'M YOUR DATE, WALK ME OUT THE DOOR

AND TAKE ME BACK TO YOUR APARTMENT.

- AND THEN WHAT? - WILL YOU CUT THE CLOWNING?

JUST KIDDING. OKAY, SWEET PEA,

- COME ON, IT'S TIME TO GO NOW. - OH, OKAY.

- COME ON, HONEY LAMB. UPSY DAISY. - HERE I COME.

ALL RIGHT, PAL, HOLD IT. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING WITH MY DATE?

- YOUR WHAT? - IS HE ANNOYING YOU, DARLING?

- (Jack laughs nervously) - DARLING?

I FORGOT TO TELL YOU, LARRY, WALTER'S MY DATE.

OH, I HOPE YOU TWO WILL BE VERY HAPPY.

- DON'T LEAVE ME. - CHRISSY, WHAT IS THIS?

I'VE KNOWN YOU LESS THAN TWO HOURS

AND ALREADY YOU'RE TWO-TIMING ME WITH THIS QUINK?

- NOW, WALTER... - WHAT DID YOU CALL ME, FATSO?

LARRY, SIT DOWN.

- A QUINK. - BOYS, BOYS, BOYS, BOYS, BOYS!

DO YOU BELIEVE IT? THEY'RE FIGHTING OVER JACK.

YEAH.

I WISH I KNEW WHAT PERFUME HE USED.

- WE'D BETTER CHECK THAT OUT. - RIGHT.

OH NO, IT'S OKAY. I'M SURE IT'S...

DON'T EVER CALL ME A QUINK, OKAY?

- OKAY, YOU'RE A SCHMURD. - A WHAT?

- A SCHMURD. - Jack: OOH!

OH, HI. HELLO, IT'S ME AGAIN.

MEN ALWAYS FIGHT OVER ME.

IT'S THE CURSE OF BEING A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, I GUESS.

AND BRAINS, TOO. IT'S NOT ALL BEAUTY, NO IT ISN'T BEAUTY.

IT'S... CONE... HA... HA... HEADACHE.

- YOU DROPPED YOUR HAT, MISS. - OH, THANK YOU.

- OH! - I'M CLEAN, GUYS.

HI, I'M JACK TRIPPER. HOW ARE YOU?

LOOK, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED, OKAY?

MR. TRIPPER, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE DRESSED UP LIKE THAT.

- I WAS HIDING FROM YOU GUYS. - WHY?

WE JUST WANTED TO ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS ABOUT BEN MILLER.

- QUESTIONS? - YES.

HE NEEDS A SECURITY CLEARANCE FOR A GOVERNMENT JOB

AND HE GAVE US YOUR NAME.

THAT'S ALL? REALLY?

YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T WANT ME?

- NO. - (Jack sighs)

I WANTED YOU.

OH, HOW I WANTED YOU.

MR. NESSLE, I'M CHRISSY.

- HUH? - THE REAL CHRISSY,

THE ONE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GO OUT WITH.

- OH. - SO, IF YOU WANNA GO OUT,

WE COULD START OUR DATE RIGHT NOW.

OH, THANK YOU.

BUT WHEN YOU'VE MET THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS,

IT SPOILS IT FOR OTHER WOMEN.

EAT YOUR HEART OUT, BLONDIE.

SO, THAT'S ABOUT IT. I HOPE THAT HELPED YOU GUYS.

BYE? RIGHT, BYE.

- Jack: BYE. - Chrissy: BYE.

OH, WHAT A RELIEF. I'M FREE, I'M FREE AT LAST.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO LOOK AT YOU VERY QUEERLY.

STRANGELY, CHRISSY. STRANGELY.

WE'LL GO AS SOON AS I GET BACK FROM THE BATHROOM, OKAY?

- OKAY, WILL YOU HURRY? - YEAH.

WHAT AM I GONNA TELL MY BOSS TOMORROW?

OH, CHRISSY, JUST TELL HER THE TRUTH.

ARE YOU KIDDING? EVEN I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

NO, NO LADIES, IT WAS A MISTAKE!

- OKAY? - Woman: YOU PERVERT!

(theme music playing)

Ritter's voice: "THREE'S COMPANY" WAS VIDEO-TAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.