Original subtitles

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Freak!

No!

Stop! It hurts!

I can't!

You! Upstairs! Now!

Oh man. Heavens to Betsy. What did you do?

Did Viktor go full "Carrie" again?

We didn't do this.

- Harlan? - Don't!

Don't come near me, please.

I just want to make sure that you're okay.

You can... You can talk now.

- It's... - I can do a lot of things now.

Who the hell is creepy grandpa?

That's the kid Viktor saved in Dallas.

- Oh yeah, shit. - Oh shit! You're right!

But didn't he get rid of all the kid's mojo when he did all "that"?

- Yeah, I guess that didn't stick. - What's he doing here, now?

Who cares? He saved us from the Sparrows.

- Sloane. - Wow, he did that?

Sloane, are you all right?

It's okay.

It's all right.

Sloane, it's all right.

Sloane.

You got a live one, Luther!

Shit. Sloane!

- Harlan, wait! - Hey!

Um... Go help Luther.

What about you?

- I can handle it. Go. - Okay, okay, okay.

Holy shit.

I was just here. How long was I bloody gone?

It seems the grandfather paradox is affecting everything.

- Even places out of time. - Is that possible?

I stopped tracking what was possible a long time ago.

We better get moving. I'll check the Infinite Switchboard.

And I'll check Herb's office. Little cockroach would survive anything.

- Bye. - See ya.

Miss you.

That's weird.

Sloane!

Sloane, wait.

Sloane?

Oh! Jesus.

Sloane?

Sloane?

Sloane...

- What are you doing? - Did you set me up?

No, I would never do that.

I would. Drop him.

- You good? - I'm good.

- All right, let's go. - Diego, it's okay. You can let her go now.

What? Are you kidding me?

I said let her go. She's hurt.

She is the enemy.

If you hurt her, I will bury you.

You gonna bury me too, Luther?

Just...

Just let me talk to her.

Okay? Please.

Trust me.

She's gonna talk.

It's okay.

You haven't aged.

It's... It's only been three days for me.

How did you find me?

Ever since that day at the lake.

We're connected.

I can feel you, people like you...

Like us.

What does it feel like?

Vibrations.

Like a... tuning fork in my head.

Louder and louder, the closer one of you gets.

I can put it out if I focus, but...

sometimes I slip.

Is that what happened downstairs?

There's no hope for me.

I'm...

not special like you.

I wasn't made for this... power.

I can't control it.

I'm here now, okay?

I'm gonna make this right.

How?

I heard a rumor...

Whoa, Allison, hey.

- ... you're gonna tell me the truth. - Let her do her thing, man.

Where's the briefcase?

Tell me.

Where is it?

Where the hell... is it?

- I don't know! - Allison!

We left it in your house, and it is our only way out of this!

Where is it?

That's enough!

You better ask yourself which side you on, bro.

- Would you get out of here? - Gonna tell me what to do?

All of you, just get out!

She doesn't leave your sight.

Do you understand?

This isn't over.

Come on, let's go.

Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe.

I heard a rumor...

... that you were...

... happy.

Viktor.

You cut your hair.

Yeah.

Uh, you okay?

Yeah, never better.

What's wrong?

The Sparrows don't have the briefcase. They never did.

What?

- Are you sure? - Yeah, very.

What do we do now? What's our next move?

I'm sorry. I can't... I can't deal with this right this second.

We can talk later, okay?

No, not okay.

Later, please.

You walked us into a slaughter.

You were both right there with me. This is as much your fault as mine.

How? You're Number One, remember?

Yeah, but I'm a different kind of Number One.

Mm, the shitty kind.

That's why Dad demoted you.

That's why he made Marcus Number One.

You don't know how to lead. You don't have what it takes.

Marcus would have never let...

He's gone.

You know what our real problem is?

You.

You're a shit Number Two, Fei.

See?

Even Christopher agrees with me.

What have I missed?

Sounds juicy.

Dad, we lost Jayme, Alphonso, and Sloane.

Oh! Well, then we should be out looking for them. Fetch my jacket.

No, Dad. He means they're dead.

Such a shame.

What happened?

Those assholes from the Umbrella Academy.

You were actually right about them.

After Marcus disappeared, Ben led us on a mission to take them down.

And it would have worked, but they had some kind of secret weapon.

This old guy with powers on their side,

which is totally cheating.

We didn't have a chance.

So what do you intend to do about it?

We need to be ready if they come to finish us off,

and they will unless we come up with a plan.

So, what is your next genius idea,

idea guy?

Fine. Go with her. See if I care.

There is still a way to turn this to your favor.

You're gonna clean up every square inch of this.

What? Most of this wasn't even my fault.

It was the man, the octogenarian.

I don't give a shit where he grew up. You're gonna clean. No one...

Yeah, you're just mad that you got your ass kicked by a floating cube!

That's it. You're grounded.

Why are you laughing?

You were conveniently absent when all this shit went down.

I was talking with Dad.

Don't move an inch.

Huh?

- You ask him about the mother shit? - Yeah.

- What'd he say? - That he didn't kill them.

- Oh, you believe him? - Well, I don't know. It's hard to say.

The Sparrows have got him all doped up like a... like a me!

It doesn't alarm you at all,

the fact that they're drugging their father?

Wish we would have thought of that. Anything else?

Oh, you know the luggage room in the basement of the Academy

where we used to huff paint?

Yeah, vaguely.

Do you recall this

blinding orb of light?

- Now we're done. - Huh?

As requested.

- What the hell is this? - Your punishment.

And when you're done here,

you're gonna clean every room on Chet's list

to pay for this shit, okay?

And your Uncle Klaus is gonna watch over you.

- What? No! Please don't. - What? No! Why can't you do it?

Because I have to babysit Luther in case Allison pops off again. Okay?

All right, you two have tons in common.

- No, we don't. - Really? Like what?

- Being a pain in my ass. - Eat shit.

- You're an asshat. - Heard that.

Okay.

Okay. That's good.

There's been a rip in the space-time continuum.

It's swallowing everything.

Oh, my sweet Dot, Iris,

Josh from accounting, they're all gone.

I've tried everything! I don't know what else to do.

The timeline is collapsing.

Oh.

This is... the end.

I could kill for some scrambled eggs right now.

- This is bigger than the timeline, Lila. - What's bigger than the timeline?

- The entire universe. - Yeah.

The missing dogs, people... It's the opposite of the big bang.

Instead of the universe expanding, it's now collapsing in on itself.

Like a prolapsing rectum.

That's a weird analogy, but yeah.

Here, then. This might give us some answers.

- Master handbook. - The one and only.

Here we are.

Okay, protocol.

"In the unlikely case of the grandfather paradox,

the founder and any essential personnel should... "

"... be immediately remanded to the operations bunker."

The founder.

What founder?

I don't know.

We need to find that bunker...

ASAP.

Jinx.

A-B-C-1-2-3, personal padlock.

- Can you not... - You can't speak!

All right.

I hate your family.

That's cool. Not a super fan of yours right now.

- Were you part of it? - Of what?

- Ambushing us with Superman's grandpa. - Sloane...

My family can't decide whether or not to put mushrooms on a pizza.

I have no idea who that old guy is. He just showed up.

You expect me to believe that?

Hold on here.

You attacked us.

- I tried to warn you. - Yeah, pfft, at the last second.

- You almost took us out. - Yeah, but we didn't.

And your stupid family's fine, and half of mine is dead.

Were you just...

using me?

Getting close to gather information?

Do you really believe that?

Sloane, you need to know something about me.

I don't really have any friends.

Or... romances.

I just have my family,

and I would do anything to protect them

except betray you

because that's not who I wanna be.

So, if you're playing me right now,

you win.

But if this...

if this is for real,

we have to trust each other

because we're not our families.

Okay.

Okay.

Ahhh!

Ugh.

Hey, you missed a spot.

You missed a spot on your face, and I'm not complaining.

Hey, hey, hey. Listen to me, buddy.

This is nothing compared to what I endured when I was your age.

You know he once gave me six months' laundry duty. Six months!

Just for pawning one of his stupid priceless artifacts from Mexico.

Well, it turns out it did have a price, Dad,

and that price was $35 for meth, thank you very much.

Laundry duty doesn't seem that bad.

Well, it is when you know what your brothers do into their socks.

Did you get in a lot of trouble at my age?

Oh, tons.

Truancy, larceny, arsony.

You know, a lot of the stuff I was doing

wasn't even illegal at the time.

Have you heard of Klaus's Law?

Nope.

Oh, whatever. It doesn't matter.

Half the time, I was just trying to piss off my dad,

Luther, Diego, or Ben.

- Yeah, oppositional defiant disorder. - Huh?

- At least that's what my shrink calls it. - Go on.

It's typically associated with an argumentative, aggressive...

... irritable mood.

- Exactly. - Yeah.

- Antisocial... - Yeah.

... risk-seeking behavior, and impulsivity.

Ding-dong, who's at the door? Me.

I have the... Wow!

You know, and it feels so good to put a name to it,

so all the drugs and the manipulation and my cult and...

You had a cult?

Well, it was the '60s, babe. Everybody had one.

But the point is that all of that was a reaction to my father

and his obscenely high expectations of me.

And then, after Dad, I had Ben haunting my every move.

Who's Ben?

Ben is your dead uncle.

Who's alive in this timeline.

But he's dead to me. It doesn't matter.

But, I mean, if I set this room on fire...

Yeah?

... would it be fulfilling?

I don't know.

If I was to act out now,

I mean, who would it even be in opposition to?

Maybe this whole new timeline thingy is a blessing in disguise,

except for you, obviously.

But maybe now I can have, like, a normal-ish relationship

with my cold and emotionless father.

Huh?

Stanley.

Hey! Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay!

Ch-pfff! Ch-pfff!

- Come on! - No, put it back.

Okay, you caught me.

All of it, please. Yes, yes.

I thought you were supposed to be the fun uncle.

I know, me too.

Can I just keep one thing?

All right, you can keep the panties.

I really should get home.

I can't let you go.

I don't wanna let you go either,

but Jayme and Alphonso, they deserve a proper burial.

No, I mean,

I can't let you leave.

You're a hostage.

Oh, right. That.

My family already thinks I'm a traitor. So, I can't...

- No, I totally get it. - Good.

My family probably is plotting vengeance.

So, I guess we just

go back to fighting until everybody's dead.

We can put an end to this and still be together.

How?

I need you to stay in here until I figure some things out.

Your sister called you Viktor. Is that what I should call you?

I'd like that.

You know, your mom's a...

a big part of who I am.

She was the first person to truly see me.

It's okay if you wanna ask about her.

Did Sissy hate me for what I did to you?

She said you saved her life.

Did she have a good life?

Hmm.

Wasn't easy.

Not with... me there.

But she was free in a way she never was on the farm.

She never stopped thinking about you,

and she never gave up hope that you'd come back to us one day.

Why did you leave us?

I needed you.

We thought you'd be safer away from me.

But I wish I had stayed.

I should have stayed.

Meeting in the poolroom.

Family only.

Stay here. I'll be right back.

Yeah!

Go faster! Faster!

- Coming through! - Yeah! Ooh.

Squirt, make with the key on this one.

- Chop-chop. - Let me check.

Nope, this room isn't on the list,

and I'm not gonna clean a room that's not even on the list.

White Buffalo.

I could pick the lock, but Diego took my switchblade.

Yeah, stand down.

You know, I once had to pick a lock with my teeth

while partially paralyzed on Quaaludes.

Oh man, that was an evening.

All right, keep a watch out for me, grasshopper.

All right.

You're serious?

We use Sloane as an olive branch.

We let her go as a gesture of peace,

along with the bodies of Jayme and Alphonso.

Once I'm back with my family, I can convince them

the old guy had nothing to do with you and get them to stand down.

You wanna let her go after attacking us? Uh-uh.

Me? I lost two of my siblings to you and your murder troll.

Again, Harlan not with us.

Well, he's not not with us.

He was just trying to protect me.

This only works if I can convince my family

he isn't a part of your team, so is he with you or not?

Harlan saved our asses. He can stay here as long as he wants.

You know what, Luther?

He can take your bed. Since you're sleeping with the enemy.

Watch it.

Guys, come on.

Having an ally on the inside could help us right now.

Right?

Yeah, but how do we know we can trust Gravity Barbie?

I trust her.

Yeah, you trusted emails from a Nigerian prince.

Tunde was not a prince, he was a king,

and he was unjustly deposed.

Okay.

So rumor me again.

Go on, not hiding anything.

Whatever it takes.

Do whatever you wanna do, Luther. That's on you.

I've got bigger shit to deal with.

Allison. Wait up.

This is just like a bunch of bureaucratic bullshit.

There's no clear directives in here about crisis management.

You know, Lila, I shouldn't even be here. I was... I was out.

I was done, and yet here I am, swept back into the chaos.

Why can't I just escape this hellhole?

Because you love it.

My bad.

Face it, Five,

apocalypse problems are the only things that get your heart pumping.

I don't know why people keep saying that. I don't actually like chaos.

I don't want disorder. I...

I want retirement.

Yeah, right. What?

A normal life of groceries and taxes? You would die of boredom.

Yeah, well, you're not exactly cut out for domestic bliss either.

'Course I'm bloody not.

Thank God!

I mean, maybe it's a tone thing?

I don't know, but you could really work on, like, the way you speak.

It's very... It's irritating.

I'm just saying it's something you can work on, you know?

For the future.

Why you smiling, you little pisspot?

'Cause of that.

Well, you could have led with that.

When you said you'd take me for a drink,

I had something a little stronger in mind.

Do not disrespect the Slushee.

Check the glove box.

Oh, thank God.

You know, you're way more fun these days.

Excuse me?

Telling off Luther and melting Sloane's brain.

You were always the nice one of us.

Okay, okay. You know, grading on an umbrella curve.

Yeah, well, getting stuck in the past without Claire,

then leaving Ray, thinking she'd be waiting for me in the future

only to discover that she doesn't exist in the present

could do that to a person.

Jesus.

- Do you wanna talk about it? - No.

Oh, come on.

You know I'm a great therapist.

They call me Dr. Fuego.

No one calls you that.

- They should though. - Mm-mm.

That shit sounds badass.

I've never felt so hopeless in my life.

You're a pretty thing.

Even after my voice came back,

I knew the cost of standing up and speaking out.

No more back door!

Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!

Living every day under threat

that you or someone you loved would disappear or...

... fall victim to some heinous crime.

And there's nothing you can do about it.

That shit lingers, huh?

Yeah.

I know we all got stuck in Dallas. I just...

I don't think some of the others

really understand what it was like for me, you know?

Yeah.

I know.

But hey, we're here now.

- We made it back, right? - Yeah, and for what?

Ray and Claire were the two things keeping me together,

and just like that, they're gone, and I am...

I am so angry. I don't know where to put any of it.

You remember that vigilante shit I used to do?

Yeah. Bargain Batman.

Smartass.

You know, you guys all laugh, but that shit helped me, man.

Kicking assholes in their assholes is like therapy,

but for cool people.

Yeah, trust me. I wish I had somebody I could hit.

Well, you spend enough time in the city, you get to know a few things.

People in there

hate people like us.

We can go in there.

Get a drink, see if they start something.

And we make damn sure we finish it.

Or, we could just drive home.

You know.

I could really use another drink.

Well, this is it. This puts an end to it.

No.

We want the old man too.

- What are you doing? - You wanted a plan. Here it is.

It's a stupid plan.

- He isn't a part of the deal. - He is now.

Ben, they aren't working with him.

They had nothing to do with the attacks...

Then they won't mind finding him and handing him over.

It's simple.

Bring us the man who killed our siblings, and this will all be over.

If not...

Exsqueeze me.

You're excused.

Operations bunker.

We're screwed.

- Unauthorized access. - Oh shit.

Jesus. You're sweating like a dodgy shrimp on ice. What's wrong?

Access granted.

I guess you're essential personnel.

Wow.

That's him, huh?

The founder.

Looks like tinned beef.

I was expecting more man and less...

... can.

It can't be.

What's wrong?

It's me.

No way.

This whole time you've been complaining about the Commission,

and you're the one who founded it.

Classic.

If I did, I have no memory of it.

So here I was thinking you were a maverick,

but you're a company man, down to the bone.

I mean, you...

You literally cannot breathe without this place.

Something's not right.

I don't have paradox psychosis.

I could feel it outside, but in here, it's...

nothing.

Never were too bright, were we?

The operations bunker is

paradox-proof.

I constructed it as a panic room

in case of a collapse in the time continuum.

In this room,

all permutations of yourself can exist.

You must be here because of a...

Kugelblitz.

Is that like a cheese blintz?

It's German for "ball of lightning."

It's an extra kinky kind of black hole.

The kind that can suck up entire timelines.

Bingo.

So, how do we fix it?

You don't.

If you created all of this,

then you must have created a solution.

All that will be left is...

oblivion.

Oblivion?

What do you mean?

This is what you have coming.

Listen to me, you ass.

I just spent the last 20 days running around

saving the world from apocalypses,

only to keep trying to save the world.

Now I am stuck in this pubescent body, my hormones are raging,

and all I wanna do is go out and buy a 1970s Corvette Stingray.

Take it easy on him, Five.

Lila, this is between me and myself,

so stay out of it.

Thank you.

Now, this Kugelblitz, it is not some tiny leak

that we can simply fix by patching a couple of pinholes.

It is a giant trash compactor which is grinding up the universe

and consuming it whole.

So tell me

how you stop it!

Whatever you do...

... don't save the world.

What do you mean, don't save... Five!

How do I fix this?

He's dead, Five.

Can I have the room?

Er... I don't think I should leave you two alone.

Lila, I need the room.

Son of a bitch.

What's this?

Ahh...

Got it.

Whoa-oh!

Looks like friggin' Indiana Jones in here!

Whoa, a pachinko!

Look at this.

Ooh, what's this?

Whoa!

This is so cool.

I adopted them instead of you.

Dad!

I'm not your father, young man. Not anymore.

What is this?

Whoa.

This is so cool.

Hey, come on. Chop-chop, Stan.

Gotta go see a man about a buffalo...

Oh shit.

No.

Uncle Klaus!

Viktor?

Viktor?

Harlan, you need to stay in your room.

What's wrong?

Why do you have these?

Huh?

Why?

Do you know them?

It was you?

You killed our mothers?

You caused all this?

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