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[audience cheering]

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

- WE'’D LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT

TO THE CHURCH OF NOKIA.

A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN, UH, WONDERING WHERE SINBAD'’S BEEN.

SOME OF Y'’ALL THOUGHT I WAS DEAD.

AND YOU TWITTERED AND YOU TEXTED WITHOUT EVEN ASKING NOBODY.

JUST PASSED A LIE AROUND THE WORLD.

Y'’ALL READ IN THE PAPER,

Y'’ALL SEEN ON THE NEWS ABOUT THE TAX PROBLEMS.

I AIN'’T TRYING TO HIDE.

SOMETIMES YOU OWE MONEY,

AND YOU GOT TO GO UNDERCOVER DEEP, DEEP, DEEP, DEEP.

IT'’S NOT MY FAULT. IT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYBODY.

IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.

IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.

IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!

BUT IT DIDN'’T. IT HAPPENED TO ME.

BUT I'’M GONNA SAY THIS-- I AIN'’T HIDING NO MORE.

I AIN'’T HIDING, MAN. I AIN'’T HIDING NO MORE.

I WENT TO MY SPIRITUAL ADVISOR, PRINCE.

YES.

THE CHURCH OF THE ROYAL BADNESS.

AS I PUT MY TITHE IN THE PLATE,

I SAID, "PRINCE, WHAT SHOULD I DO?"

"BOY, JUST PLAY THE DRUMS

AND PLAY THEM LOUD!"

[rhythmic drumming]

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat jazz music]

♪

[cheers and applause]

[Prince'’s Let'’s Go Crazy]

♪

HOW Y'’ALL DOING OUT HERE? NOW, HOW Y'’ALL DOING?

YEAH! YEAH!

GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, Y'’ALL!

[cheers and applause]

YEAH!

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'’RE GONNA HAVE TO CUT IT.

I AIN'’T GOT ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY FOR THE WHOLE SONG.

- OH, I'’M SORRY.

- IT'’S A VERY EXPENSIVE SONG. THAT'’S ALL I HAD.

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE. THAT'’S ALL I HAD IN THE BUDGET.

I'’M SORRY. THAT'’S ALL I GOT.

I'’M SORRY.

Y'’ALL GONNA HAVE TO GET OFF STAGE FOR THE UNION RULES.

IT'’S MY--I APOLOGIZE.

TIMES ARE HARD. I'’M TRYING TO GET BLACK FOLKS WORKING.

I'’M SORRY. JUST UNPLUG, PLEASE.

UNPLUG, THEN LEAVE, PLEASE. THANK YOU.

JUST PLEASE LEAVE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

GIVE IT UP FOR MY BAND HERE. [cheers and applause]

YO.

ALL RIGHT. [laughs]

THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU.

WHOO!

READY HERE FOR A COMEDY CENTRAL TAPING.

COMEDY CENTRAL.

HOW Y'’ALL DOING? WHAT'’S UP, MAN?

HOW Y'’ALL DOING IN THE BALCONY?

[cheers and applause]

MAN.

WHOO!

IT'’S BEEN ABOUT WHAT-- 10, 10, 15--10?

10 YEARS?

YOU KNOW, AND PEOPLE SAY, "SINBAD, WHERE YOU BEEN?"

I'’M LIKE, "WHERE Y'ALL BEEN? I'’VE BEEN WORKING."

I'’M WORKING. I'’M TRYING TO MAKE MONEY.

PAY MY BILLS, MAN.

IT'’S CRA--YOU KNOW, I LOOK--

RIGHT NOW, I MEAN, I JUST WANT TO GET SOME THINGS OUT.

THERE'’S THINGS THAT PEOPLE DON'’T KNOW ABOUT ME.

I'’M UNDER STRESS.

THEY KILLED ME ON WIKIPEDIA. THEY KILLED ME.

AND I DIDN'’T STAY DEAD LONG ENOUGH TO SELL NO DVDs.

I DIDN'’T EVEN STAY DEAD LONG ENOUGH.

I WAS TOO STUPID. I SHOULD'’VE STAYED LOW.

I SHOULD'’VE LAID LOW.

I COULD'’VE BEEN GONE FOR A YEAR. I WOULD'’VE MADE MONEY.

THEN I'’D HAVE RISEN FROM THE DEAD.

I'’D HAVE BEEN IN EUROPE.

I'’D HAVE BEEN EUROPEAN.

I COULD'’VE BEEN LIKE VIN DIESEL.

THEY DON'’T KNOW HE'S BLACK.

THAT'’S WHY HE GETS THE WORK. THEY DON'’T KNOW.

'’CAUSE I WANT TO DEAL WITH ALL THAT RIGHT NOW.

WE GOT A BLACK PRESIDENT. WE GOT BARACK OBAMA.

WE HAVE A BLACK PRESIDENT.

WE HAVE THIS--

AND WE NEED TO DEAL WITH THE WHOLE SITUATION,

BUT THE WORLD'’S GOING CRAZY.

WE GOT PEOPLE MAD THAT WE GOT A BLACK PRESIDENT.

BUT HE'’S HALF WHITE.

WE CLAIMED OUR HALF. Y'’ALL GET YOURS.

[laughter]

THERE'’S SOME FOR EVERYBODY.

HE GOT SOME...

FOR EVERYBODY.

WHY Y'’ALL MAD? HE'’S FOR EVERYBODY.

HE'’S EVERY--HE'S EVERYBODY.

IT'’S NEVER GONNA GET BETTER THAN THIS.

THIS IS THE BEST BLACK MAN WE GONNA FIND.

THERE ARE NO MORE.

THERE ARE NO BLACK MEN RAISED IN KANSAS AND HAWAII.

THAT'’S THE LAST ONE.

Y'’ALL BETTER TREAT THIS ONE RIGHT.

THE NEXT ONE GONNA BE FROM CLEVELAND.

HE GONNA WEAR A PERM.

THEN YOU'’RE GONNA SEE WHAT IT'’S REALLY LIKE.

HEALTH CARE GONNA GO THROUGH LIKE THIS, LIKE THIS.

[laughter]

SEE, BARACK GOT SOMETHING ABOUT HIM.

HE GOT SOMETHING ABOUT HIM.

THAT'’S WHY I CAN SEE THE MIX,

'’CAUSE EVEN BLACK PEOPLE SAY-- I GOT TO TELL WHITE PEOPLE.

WHEN HE FIRST WAS RUNNING, WE WERE LIKE THIS--

"WHAT--WHAT IS...?"

WE DIDN'’T KNOW EITHER. WE DIDN'’T KNOW.

WE WERE TEXTING-- "YOU KNOW HIM?

I AIN'’T NEVER SEEN THIS BROTHER."

[laughter]

AND THEN I REALIZED THAT HE'’S GONNA WIN 'CAUSE HE'’S CALM.

SEE, A BLACK MAN FROM CLEVELAND, DETROIT, CHICAGO, L.A.--

IT WOULD'’VE COME OUT IN ONE OF THEM DEBATES.

WHAT YOU--WHAT YOU SAY?

[laughter]

IT WOULD'’VE COME OUT. IT WOULD'’VE POPPED OUT.

BUT THEY COULDN'’T SHAKE HIM.

HE'’D BE LIKE, "WAIT, WAIT, JOHN, JOHN, JOHN.

WAIT, HEY." [laughing]

I'’M LIKE, "HIT HIM! HIT HIM, BARACK!"

YOU GOT A NAME LIKE BARACK OBAMA,

YOU'’RE SUPPOSED TO FIGHT.

BARACK OBAMA, KNEE HIM, NOW HIT HIM.

BARACK OBAMA, BARACK OBAMA.

IN 15 ROUNDS, BARACK OBAMA.

IT'’S A THROWDOWN!

[laughter]

WHOO! [laughs]

COME ON IN LATE, MY PEOPLE.

MY PEOPLE, COME ON IN LATE. COME ON.

AND YOU GOT A FRONT-ROW SEAT. GO IN LATE, FRONT-ROW SEAT.

SEE, WE GOT A BLACK PRESIDENT, BUT EVERYTHING DIDN'’T CHANGE.

WE KEEPING IT REAL. WE KEEPING IT REAL.

WE KEEPING IT--

[laughter]

OOH, SOMEBODY STOLE YOUR SEAT. LOOK AT THAT.

[raucous laughter]

THEY STEALING SEATS.

[scattered applause]

WHOO-HOO-HOO! WHOO!

WAIT A MINUTE. HOW DID THREE PEOPLE LEAVE?

ONE PERSON CAME.

Y'’ALL WERE TRIPLED UP ON THE SEAT?

TIMES ARE TIGHT.

WE GONNA BUY ONE SEAT. WALK IN REAL CLOSE.

[laughter]

[laughing]

SO LET ME HELP-- I WANT TO HELP PEOPLE TONIGHT.

I WANT TO REVEAL TRUTH TONIGHT.

THAT'’S WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO.

I'’M GONNA DEAL WITH-- FIRST OF ALL,

ALL MY LIFE, YOU DEAL WITH BEING--

LET'’S GET WITH IT,

AND BEING THE HIGH-YELLOW, HIGH-YELLOW BROTHER.

HIGH-YELLOW, HIGH-YELLOW, HIGH-YELLOW--MELANIN.

"YOU'’RE SO YELLOW. YOU'’RE SO LIGHT.

YOU'’RE SO LIGHT, I THOUGHT YOU WAS WHITE."

YOU DID.

I'’M RIGHT HERE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD.

MY PARENTS ARE BLACK, BUT YOU THOUGHT I WAS WHITE.

"NO, I'’M--I'M JUST SAYING."

IT'’S CRAZY, MAN. IT'’S CRAZY HOW--

AND THEN I DIDN'’T GET THE ADVANTAGE OF BEING HIGH-YELLOW.

I DIDN'’T GET GREEN EYES. I DIDN'’T GET THE WAVY HAIR.

I GOT JACK.

I WAS JUST LIGHT BLACK WITH NAPPY HAIR.

I DIDN'’T GET NONE OF THE TEXTURE.

I DIDN'’T GET THE TEXTURE.

I COULD'’VE BEEN CUBAN. I COULD'’VE PLAYED CUBAN.

I CAN'’T EVEN FAKE THAT.

I'’M JUST ALMOST ALBINO.

I WANT TO DEAL WITH ALL THIS STUFF ABOUT KEEPING IT REAL.

EVERYBODY TALKING ABOUT KEEPING IT REAL.

THAT'’S THE WHOLE NEW THING.

"I'’M KEEPING IT REAL." WHAT'’S KEEPING IT REAL?

MOST OF THE TIME SOMEBODY SAY THEY KEEPING IT REAL,

RUN FROM THAT PERSON. RUN.

GET AWAY FROM THEM,

'’CAUSE, YOU KNOW, KEEPING IT REAL--

YOU JUST DO THE RIGHT THING.

EVERYBODY HOOD. "I'’M FROM THE HOOD.

"I'’M HOOD. I'’M THE HOOD. I'M HOOD."

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? EVERYBODY FROM THE HOOD.

EVERYBODY--THE HOOD DONE MOVED ALL THE WAY UP TO THE VALLEY.

THE VALLEY IS THE HOOD NOW.

"I'’M FROM THE HOOD. I'’M HOOD.

CALABASAS!"

[laughter]

"WEST WESTSIDE. W-W-W-WEST."

OOH!

I'’M GONNA TELL Y'ALL RIGHT NOW.

TIMES ARE TIGHT.

SEE, PEOPLE ARE TRIPPIN'’, TALKING ABOUT RECESSION.

I'’M 53 YEARS OLD. WE'’VE BEEN HERE BEFORE.

THIS AIN'’T NEW TO US. WE'’VE BEEN BROKE.

IT'’S Y'ALL IN YOUR 20s LIKE, "WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

"MY iPOD. MY--

"MY iPOD.

I CAN'’T GET THE NEW iPOD."

THEN SING!

LEARN THE SONG AND SING IT.

THAT'’S HOW YOU LIVE BROKE.

DON'’T BE ASHAMED '’CAUSE YOU BROKE.

DON'’T BE WALKING AROUND LIKE YOU ASHAMED '’CAUSE YOU BROKE.

PEOPLE THAT LOOK LIKE THEY GOT MONEY ARE BROKE,

JUST AS BROKE AS YOU.

THEY ROLL UP ON YOU IN THE CAR-- "YOU NEED A RIDE,"

'’CAUSE THEY HOPE YOU GOT GAS MONEY.

"WHY DON'’T YOU RIDE WITH ME? NO, NO, I INSIST.

NO, I INSIST."

[laughter]

SEE, ALL OF THIS WAS NOT THE GOVERNMENT'’S FAULT.

A LOT OF IT WAS THE GOVERNMENT'’S FAULT, BUT WE JACKED UP.

WE ASKED FOR WAY TOO MUCH STUFF, WAY TOO MUCH STUFF.

YOU GOT A JOB MAKING $100 A YEAR

AND BOUGHT A HOUSE FOR $3 MILLION.

TALKING ABOUT, "I DON'’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE PAYMENT.

"THEY CHANGED IT. THE PAYMENT WENT UP.

"IT WAS A DOLLAR A MONTH. IT WAS A DOLLAR A MONTH.

AND IT CHANGED AFTER SIX MONTHS."

DON'’T BE STUPID, MAN.

DON'’T LET PEOPLE TREAT YOU LIKE YOU'’RE STUPID.

IF IT SOUNDS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, IT IS.

LIKE THAT MAN BERNIE MADOFF TOOK, WHAT, $500 MILLION?

I CAN'’T EVEN SAY IT. FIVE HU--FIVE--

HOW DO YOU STEAL $500 MILLION AND BE CALM?

I COULDN'’T EVEN FAKE IT.

WHOO!

[laughter]

"HOW YOU DOING?" "I GOT--"

[laughing]

"I GOT YOUR MONEY! I GOT--

"I CAN'’T BELIEVE Y'’ALL GAVE ME YOUR MONEY.

IT'’S GONE! IT'’S GONE!"

HOW DO YOU TAKE $500 MILLION?

I KNEW THERE WASN'’T NO BLACK FOLKS,

'’CAUSE HE'S STILL ALIVE.

AND I'’M NOT TALKING ABOUT $500 MILLION.

BLACK PEOPLE-- "I GAVE HIM $1,000.

I GAVE HIM A-- THAT'’S ALL MY MONEY!"

I SAW PEOPLE ON TV--

"I LOST EVERYTHING. I LOST $20 MILLION."

YOU--YOU AIN'’T AT HIS HOUSE?

I'’D HAVE BEEN OUTSIDE THE GATE--"BERNIE!"

[laughter]

"I KNOW THERE'’S SOME MONEY. I'’M GOING OVER THE FENCE."

YOU SEE ME ON THE NEWS--

"SINBAD WENT OVER THE FENCE AT BERNIE MADOFF'’S HOUSE."

I'’M GONNA GET MY MONEY BACK.

I'’M CHEAP. THAT'S WHY I DON'’T EVEN GO TO STRIP CLUBS.

"LAP DANCE? YOU BETTER DANCE OVER THERE.

"I'’M RIGHT HERE. I'M JUST HERE LISTENING TO THE MUSIC.

MAKE IT RAIN? I'’LL HIT YOU WITH A QUARTER."

WHA-HAP!

MEN--Y'’ALL GOT TO QUIT GOING TO STRIP CLUBS.

MEN, MEN, GO HOME.

GO HOME.

GO HOME. GO HOME.

[cheers and applause] GO HOME.

NOW, I'’M GONNA HELP THE LADIES OUT.

WHY YOU THINK MEN GO TO STRIP CLUBS?

WHY DO MEN GO TO STRIP CLUBS?

HUH?

WHY YOU THINK MEN GO TO STRIP CLUBS?

SEE, WOMEN, Y'’ALL DON'T UNDERSTAND THE MIND OF A MAN.

I'’M GONNA HELP Y'ALL TONIGHT.

WHY YOU THINK MEN GO TO STRIP CLUBS?

'’CAUSE A HALF-NAKED WOMAN SMILE AT YOU AND SAY YOUR NAME,

WHICH Y'’ALL DON'T DO AT HOME.

WHAT YOU DO AT HOME?

"OH, HERE HE IS. HERE YOUR DADDY.

"YOUR DADDY HERE.

LOOK WHO'’S FINALLY HERE. HERE HE COME."

YOU USED TO LIKE HIM.

LADIES, WHAT HAPPENS ONCE WE GET MARRIED?

YOU HATE US.

I MEAN, YOU HATE US.

WHEN WE DATE YOU-- "I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU.

Y-Y-Y-YOU."

YOU SAY THE SAME THING, BUT IT MEANS DIFFERENT THINGS.

WHEN YOU DATE US, YOU SHOW YOUR FRIENDS.

"THERE HE IS." "OH, MY GOD, THAT'’S HIM?"

"OH, GOD, THAT'’S HIM."

WHEN YOU'’RE MARRIED-- "HERE HE GO.

"YEAH, THAT'’S HIM. THAT'’S WHAT GOD BLESSED ME WITH.

I GUESS GOD WAS MAD AT ME."

SAME WORDS, DIFFERENT MEANING.

WHEN YOU FIRST GET TOGETHER, SHE'’S IN THE KITCHEN,

YOU WALK UP BEHIND HER-- "YOU SO NASTY."

WHEN YOU BEEN MARRIED, YOU JUST NASTY.

"THAT'’S JUST NASTY.

BACK UP. TOUCH ME AGAIN. TOUCH ME AGAIN."

WE SAY STUFF WE DON'’T MEAN.

WE ALL SAY STUFF WE DON'’T MEAN.

MEN SAY, "I JUST WANT TO FIND A GOOD WOMAN."

"WELL, YOU GOT ONE." "THAT MEAN YOU? OH."

[laughter]

WE ALL WANT SOMETHING ELSE... OTHER THAN WHAT WE HAVE

AND DON'’T REALIZE WHAT YOU GOT WORKS.

IT WORKS.

IT DOES WORK. YOU GOT TO WORK.

[applause] MARRIAGE IS WORK.

MARRIAGE IS A CAREER. IT'’S NOT AN ADVENTURE.

YOU DO MORE BEFORE 5:00 THAN MOST FOLKS DO ALL DAY.

IT'’S LIKE THE MILITARY.

MY WIFE AND I--WE WERE TOGETHER ABOUT SIX, SEVEN YEARS.

WE'’RE MARRIED, WE DIVORCED ABOUT 10, 11 YEARS.

NOW WE'’RE BACK TOGETHER, MARRIED EIGHT YEARS.

[cheers and applause]

'’CAUSE WE'RE BOTH SO DAMAGED, WE CAN'’T BE WITH NOBODY ELSE.

WE HAD TO COME BACK HOME.

ONCE YOU'’VE BEEN MARRIED TO EACH OTHER, YOU'’RE TRAINED.

I'’M TRAINED.

I AIN'’T GOT TIME TO TRAIN NOBODY ELSE.

SHE AIN'’T GOT TIME TO TRAIN NOBODY ELSE.

EVERYBODY'’S JACKED UP.

GO BACK TO WHEN YOU HAD--

"I THOUGHT YOU WAS CRAZY. EVERYBODY CRAZY.

I KNOW YOU'’RE CRAZY. I CAN DEAL WITH YOUR CRAZY."

AND ALL YOU MEN OUT HERE 55 YEARS OLD

TRYING TO DATE SOME GIRL 20, LIKE SHE LIKE YOU.

ARE YOU OUT YOUR MIND?

SHE WANTS YOUR HOUSE.

[laughter]

I DON'’T SEE NO 20-YEAR-OLD GIRLS

WITH A BROKE-DOWN 55-YEAR-OLD MAN WITH NO MONEY.

YOU DON'’T SEE NO GIRL AT 20--

"OH, HE'’S--LOOK AT THE HOMELESS DUDE, BUT HE'’S CUTE.

HEY, HEY!"

SHE WANTS YOU TO DIE.

[laughter]

AND IF YOU KEEP MESSING WITH HER, YOU WILL.

YOU WANT A WOMAN THAT UNDERSTANDS THE SIGNS OF STROKE.

THAT'’S WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR--

A WOMAN THAT GOT MY MEDICATION IN HER PURSE.

"OPEN YOUR MOUTH. OPEN YOUR MOUTH.

I THOUGHT YOU TOOK IT."

"I THOUGHT I DID."

YOU WANT A WOMAN THAT'’S YOUR NURSE.

SEE, IF YOU GO TO DINNER WITH A WOMAN THAT'’S 55 YEARS OLD

AND YOUR LITTLE LIP CURL UP, SHE'’D KNOW WHAT TO DO.

"HEY, HEY, HEY, JAMAL, JAMAL, LOOK AT ME.

JAMAL, LOOK AT ME."

SHE'’LL GET YOU TO A HOSPITAL

AND SAVE YOUR LIFE.

BUT A GIRL 20-- "QUIT MAKING FACES AT ME.

IT'’S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE."

NOW YOU ALL STROKED OUT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE,

'’CAUSE YOUR LITTLE CUTE GIRLFRIEND

DIDN'’T KNOW THE SIGNS OF STROKE.

SHE COME VISIT YOU IN THE HOSPITAL--

"I AIN'’T KNOW WHAT A STROKE WAS."

[mumbling] "I TRIED TO TELL--"

"I DON'’T UNDERSTAND YOU."

[mumbling] "I HAD A STROKE."

"BUT CAN I HAVE YOUR HOUSE NOW...

SINCE YOU CAN'’T LIVE THERE NO MORE?"

[laughter]

MARRIAGE IS ABOUT GROWING OLD TOGETHER.

MARRIAGE IS ABOUT FALLING APART AT THE SAME TIME.

THAT'’S WHAT MAKES IT SPECIAL.

YOU LIVE LONG ENOUGH, THE TWO OF YOU BECOME ONE GOOD PERSON.

YOU BECOME ONE.

ONE CAN SEE, ONE CAN HEAR.

ONE CAN WALK, ONE CAN USE THEIR HANDS.

YOU NEED EACH OTHER.

YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE MOVIES TOGETHER.

ONE LISTENS, ONE WATCHES.

[laughter]

YOU BECOME A TEAM.

ONE GOT A GOOD RIGHT HIP, ONE A GOOD LEFT HIP,

AND YOU'’RE BALANCED.

"THEY'’RE SO CUTE TOGETHER."

NO, THEY'’D FALL DOWN.

THEY NEED ONE ANOTHER.

[laughing]

WHOO!

'’CAUSE SEE, ONCE--ONCE YOU'VE BEEN WITH SOMEBODY SO LONG,

YOU JUST UNDERSTAND STUFF.

YOU HAVE THE SAME VISION. YOU SHARE GLASSES.

YOU GOT GLASSES ALL OVER THE HOUSE.

"WAIT, GIRL, LET ME--

I THINK THEY'’RE BEHIND THE STOVE."

[laughter]

I ALWAYS HAD 20/20 VISION ALL MY LIFE.

I CAN'’T SEE NOW.

YOU KNOW HOW I FOUND OUT?

I'’M IN THE MOVIE THEATER,

AND I'’M THE ONLY ONE GOING LIKE THIS--"FOCUS IT!"

AND USUALLY OTHER PEOPLE JOIN IN WITH YOU.

THEY WERE LIKE...

YOU MIGHT WANT TO MOVE DOWN TOWARD THE FRONT, SINBAD.

SO NOW I GOT THEM PROGRESSIVE GLASSES,

SO I CAN SEE FAR AT THE TOP, AND I SEE CLOSE AT THE BOTTOM.

BUT--THEY TOLD ME YOU CAN DRIVE WITH IT.

NO, YOU CAN'’T.

YOU GOT TO LEARN THE SWEET SPOT. YOU GOT TO FIND THE SWEET SPOT.

YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I STOP AT A STOP SIGN?

[imitates tire screeching] IT'’S WAY OUT THERE SOMEWHERE.

"WHAT?

"OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

"MY BAD, MY BAD.

IT'’S RIGHT HERE. MY BAD. I'’M SORRY."

SO I WANT TO HELP YOU LADIES WITH QUESTIONS YOU HAVE,

ANYTHING YOU MIGHT HAVE--

SOMETHING ABOUT A MAN THAT THROWS YOU OFF,

SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR MAN THAT DRIVES YOU CRAZY.

I'’LL FIX IT IN 13 SECONDS.

YOU DON'’T NEED NO LONG COUNSELING.

ANY WOMAN--SOMETHING ABOUT A MAN THAT MAKES YOU MAD.

ANYTHING, SOMETHING-- SHOUT IT OUT. SHOUT IT.

- BEING ROMANTIC. - BEING ROMANTIC.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? YOU GOT TO BE SPECIFIC WITH A MAN.

I DON'’T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT.

BE ROMANTIC. WHAT--FIX THE SCREEN DOOR?

WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

"I WANT ROMANCE. I WANT RO--I WANT ROMANCE."

WHAT?

HOLD YOUR HAND. WHAT?

THEN SAY IT. LOOK AT YOUR MAN.

"HOLD MY HAND." "AH! I GOT IT, I GOT IT!"

NOW YOU FINALLY GOT WHAT YOU'’RE LOOKING FOR.

"I WANT ROMANCE. I WANT--"

'’CAUSE YOU READ THOSE BOOKS.

HOW TO MAKE LOVE LAST FOREVER.

HOW TO HAVE ROMANCE FOREVER.

TOO MUCH WORK.

JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT.

YOU GOT A MAN ALWAYS FORGET YOUR BIRTHDAY?

FORGET THAT. BUY YOURSELF A CAR.

"LOOK WHAT YOU GOT ME."

HE'’LL REMEMBER NEXT YEAR.

"I'’LL NEVER FORGET YOUR BIRTHDAY AGAIN.

THAT ONE COST ME A LOT OF MONEY."

OH. OKAY, WHAT CONFUSES YOU THE MOST ABOUT WOMEN?

I'’LL FIX IT.

WHAT CONFUSES YOU MOST ABOUT WOMEN?

I'’M GONNA FIX IT FOR YOU.

I'’LL HELP YOU UNDERSTAND IT. - THEIR ANGER!

- THEY ACT LIKE NOTHING'’S WRONG.

- THAT THEY ACT LIKE--YOU'’RE NOT MARRIED, ARE YOU?

'’CAUSE YOU'RE TALKING.

SHE AIN'’T HERE, IS SHE?

WHY YOU TALKING? YOU AIN'’T LEARNED NOTHING.

YOU HAVEN'’T LEARNED NOTHING IN YOUR LIFE.

THAT'’S WHY YOU STAY IN TROUBLE.

[mumbling]

YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID? SHE DID THIS.

SEE, YOU DON'’T KNOW WHAT THE MEANS.

YOU'’RE A SINGLE MAN.

THAT MEANS THIS MAN'’S IN TROUBLE.

HE DON'’T EVEN UNDERSTAND.

SHE DID THAT.

THEY'’RE GONNA BE IN THE CAR. "WHAT?"

"WHY YOU ALWAYS GOTTA SAY SOMETHING?"

"HE ASKED ME SOMETHING."

THAT'’S A MAN THAT'S SLEEPING DOWNSTAIRS TONIGHT.

LOOK AT ALL THESE MEN.

LOOKING AT THESE MARRIED MEN SITTING HERE.

THEY'’RE TRYING TO ASSUME THE POSITION

OF GETTING IN NO TROUBLE.

THAT'’S YOUR JOB AS A MAN-- TO GET IN TROUBLE.

THAT'’S YOUR JOB.

YOUR PROBLEM IS YOU'’RE TRYING NOT TO BE IN TROUBLE.

ACCEPT THE TROUBLE. AND BE SARCASTIC WITH IT.

PISS THEM OFF.

THAT'’S HALF THE FUN OF BEING MARRIED.

"YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE."

"OH, YES, I DID!"

THAT'’S FOREPLAY.

THEY NEED TO HAVE TRAINING FOR HUSBANDS.

MEN TRAINING FOR HUSBANDS. HOW TO BE A HUSBAND.

HOW TO TALK. HOW TO SURVIVE A DAY.

YOU GOTTA PRACTICE. YOU GOTTA LOOK IN THE MIRROR.

"WHAT? NO."

YOU GOTTA LEARN TO MAKE THOSE FACES.

ACT LIKE YOU'’RE TRYING TO SPEAK,

BUT DON'’T LET NOTHING COME OUT.

[mouthing silently]

DON'’T SAY NOTHING,

BUT ACT LIKE YOU'’RE TRYING TO BE INVOLVED.

MEN ARE SO CONFUSED.

I GOT A SON THAT'’S 20 YEARS OLD.

MY DAUGHTER'’S 23.

MY DAUGHTER SAYS SHE'’S TRYING TO FIND A GOOD MAN.

I SAID, "LEARN TO BE BY YOURSELF FOR A SECOND.

DON'’T BE CRYING."

SHE WAVING. YOU GOT A MAN.

WHY YOU RAISE YOUR HAND?

SHE'’S LIKE THIS. YOU WITH A MAN!

SHE SAID, "THAT'’S RIGHT." LOOK WHAT YOU JUST DID.

THAT'’S RIGHT. BE BY YOURSELF.

AS YOU HOLD HIS HAND.

WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?

"THAT'’S RIGHT. BE BY YOURSELF.

I'’M TALKING ABOUT YOU."

NOW IF HE HAD DONE THAT, "THAT'’S RIGHT."

"OH, REALLY?"

YOU BE IN THE PARKING LOT.

"WHAT? WHAT I SAY?

SLOW DOWN!"

YOU BETTER LOVE THAT MAN. HE GOT YOU A FRONT ROW SEAT.

AT LEAST IT'’S GOOD FOR A SHOW.

YOU SEE, YOUNG-- HOW OLD ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?

HOW OLD ARE YOU? - 34.

- 34. SEE, YOU'’RE STILL YOUNG, MAN.

YOU KNOW, SEE, MY MOM-- MY MOM'’S GENERATION,

THEY KNOW HOW--THEY KNOW HOW TO WORK IT.

MY MOM WORKED MY DAD.

MY MOM HAD MY DAD PUT PATIO IN.

BUILD A GUEST ROOM.

THEY KNEW HOW TO WORK A BROTHER BACK IN THE DAY.

MY DAD WAS LIKE A SLAVE.

"YOU NEED TO PUT THAT ROOF UP?"

SHE LOOK AT HIM. "THERE'’S MY MAN.

MY MAN CAN DO EVERYTHING."

[tapping microphone]

ALL SHE HAD TO DO WAS GIVE HIM SOME KOOL-AID.

WORKING. WORKING IT! WORK, WORK, WORK!

'’CAUSE MY MOM GOT STYLE.

YOUNG LADIES, Y'’ALL GOTTA GET STYLE BACK.

Y'’ALL ANGRY, Y'ALL ANGRY.

Y'’ALL ARE ANGRY. Y'’ALL JUST--

JUST MAD.

SMILE SOMETIME.

YOU MIGHT HAVE A GOOD MAN. YOU JUST DON'’T KNOW IT.

YOU JUST STAY SO ANGRY. WHAT--

LADIES, WHAT ARE Y'’ALL MAD ABOUT?

LET ME HELP-- WHAT ARE Y'’ALL MAD ABOUT?

- Y'’ALL ARE NO GOOD!

- '’CAUSE WE'RE NO GOOD. EVERY MAN NO GOOD.

EVERY MAN. SEE, THAT'’S ONE WOMAN.

EVERY MAN. YOU DATED EVERYBODY?

OR DID YOU MISS SOMEBODY?

MAYBE THAT'’S THE PROBLEM.

YOU DATING TOO MANY PEOPLE.

PICK ONE. SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

OKAY, I'’M GONNA GO WITH THAT. WHAT MAKES A MAN NO GOOD?

I'’M GONNA HELP LADIES OUT. HE LIES.

THAT'’S HOW YOU MAKE A RELATIONSHIP STAY ALIVE.

IF A MAN DOES NOT LIE, THE RELATIONSHIP IS DONE,

'’CAUSE YOU ASK QUESTIONS THAT MAKE NO SENSE.

SO I HAVE TO LIE.

IF YOU DON'’T WANT ME TO LIE, QUIT ASKING ME QUESTIONS.

YOU KEEP ASKING ME QUESTIONS

THAT YOU KNOW I HAVE TO LIE AT.

"DO I LOOK FAT?" "NO, NO."

IF YOU WASN'’T FAT, YOU WOULDN'’T HAVE ASKED.

THAT'’S WHY YOU ASKED THE QUESTION.

SKINNY PEOPLE DON'’T SAY, "DO I LOOK FAT?"

SKINNY PEOPLE SAY, "DO YOU WANT TO EAT?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A SANDWICH?"

SHE JUST WANTS TO SEE HOW DUMB YOU ARE

WHEN YOU TELL THE TRUTH.

AND MEN--ALL YOU YOUNG MEN, DON'’T YOU FALL FOR THIS ONE.

"EVEN IF IT HURTS ME-- EVEN IF IT HURTS ME,

TELL ME THE TRUTH."

THEY'’LL SAY, "HOW STUPID--

HOW STUPID IS THE MAN I'’M WITH."

YOU LIE, LIE, LIE.

NOW I'’M NOT TALKING ABOUT LYING ABOUT CHEATING,

LYING ABOUT OTHER WOMEN.

I'’M TALKING ABOUT LITTLE THINGS

THAT YOU HAVE TO LIE ABOUT.

ALL THOSE LITTLE THINGS THEY ASK YOU.

ALL KIND OF STUPID STUFF.

STUPID THINGS.

"DO YOU LIKE THIS MOVIE?"

"NO, I HATE THE NOTEBOOK.

"I HATE IT! I HATE IT!

"IT'’S NOT EVEN REAL.

IT'’S NOT REAL!"

WOMEN LOVE THOSE KIND OF MOVIES

WHERE SHE HAS ALZHEIMER'’S

AND SHE DIDN'’T KNOW HIM ANYMORE,

AND HE WROTE A BOOK.

"REMEMBER WHEN I MET YOU, WE WERE RIDING A BIKE."

IN REAL LIFE, HE'’D HAVE CAME TO THE HOSPITAL.

"YOU KNOW ME?" "NO."

IT SOUNDS WRONG, BUT IT'’S THE TRUTH.

SEE, THESE BOOKS AND ALL--

REMEMBER, IT'’S ALL THESE BOOKS AND THESE TALK SHOWS

THAT WOMEN WHO DON'’T HAVE A MAN...

ALL THESE BOOKS AND TALKS SHOWS

WITH WOMEN WHO DON'’T HAVE A MAN

TELLING YOU HOW TO LOSE THE MAN YOU GOT,

'’CAUSE THEY WANT YOU TO BE JUST AS LONELY AS THEY ARE.

[applause]

MEN ARE SO SIMPLE WE FREAK YOU OUT."

WE'’RE SO SIMPLE YOU CAN'’T GET TO IT.

MEN ARE SIMPLE.

WE'’RE SO SIMPLE IT BOTHERS YOU.

YOU DON'’T UNDERSTAND THE SIMPLE-NESS OF MEN.

OKAY, THIS IS HOW SIMPLE A MAN--

THIS IS TWO MEN IN A CAR AND HE MAKE A WRONG TURN.

"DUDE! MAN! HA-HA!"

THAT'’S IT.

WE'’RE GONNA TURN LEFT AND COME BACK.

THAT'’S HOW SIMPLE. THAT'’S SOLID.

THIS IS YOU WITH YOUR WIFE.

"OH, GOD! AAH!

"WHY WOULD YOU TURN THERE? WHY?

"LET'’S JUST GO HOME. I DON'’T EVEN WANT TO GO NOW.

I DON'’T EVEN WANT TO GO."

THE WHOLE NIGHT IS RUINED BECAUSE I TURNED LEFT.

"I CAN TURN BACK AROUND." "NO, I HAVE A HEADACHE NOW."

MEN SOMETIMES HEARD-- THIS IS MEN.

THIS IS WHAT WE DO. THIS FREAKS YOU OUT.

THIS IS A MAN ACKNOWLEDGING YOU.

"OKAY." THAT MEANS "I HEARD YOU."

BUT THAT'’S NOT ENOUGH FOR A WOMAN.

"OKAY." "NOW SAY IT BACK.

SAY IT BACK. SAY WHAT I SAID."

OH, NOW IT'’S AN S.A.T. TEST. I HAVE TO PASS THE TEST.

THIS IS TWO MEN HAVING A CONVERSATION.

"MAN, YOU GONNA GO TO THE CLUB?"

"YEAH."

DONE.

"WHAT TIME--WHAT TIME WILL YOU BE THERE?

WHAT? NO, WHERE YOU GONNA GO? WELL, HOW WILL YOU GET THERE?

"IF YOU DON'’T KNOW WHERE IT'’S AT,

"WHY WOULD YOU TAKE ME TO GO?

"YOU DON'’T EVEN KNOW WHERE YOU'’RE GOING.

"YOU SAID YES.

YOU AIN'’T EVEN KNOW WHERE YOU'’RE GOING."

"I GOT A GPS."

DON'’T OVERCOMPLICATE THE SITUATION.

MAKE IT SIMPLE.

WHAT ELSE, LADIES? [women shouting]

MEN DON'’T WANT?

MEN DON'’T KNOW HOW TO FIND ANYTHING.

LIKE WHAT? I FIND EVERYTHING I NEED.

I CAN'’T FIND YOUR STUFF.

I FOUND EVERYTHING THAT BELONGED TO ME.

EXCEPT FOR THE ONE THAT YOU MOVED TO A BETTER SPOT

THAT MAKES MORE SENSE.

WHEN YOU MOVED MY SHOES TO A BETTER SPOT

'’CAUSE THAT'S THE SPOT THAT YOU LIKE.

WHAT ELSE, LADIES? [women shouting]

HUH? - SNORING!

- SNORING.

DID HE SNORE WHEN HE MET YOU? - NO.

- DID HE SNORE WHEN HE MET YOU?

HE DIDN'’T? WELL, YOU SUCKED THE LIFE OUT OF HIM.

HE HAS NO AIR.

HE HAD A LOT OF AIR WHEN YOU MET HIM.

HE USED TO SLEEP AT NIGHT.

NOW HE'’S... [imitates snoring]

HE'’S JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE THE NIGHT.

HE AIN'’T SNORING. HE'’S DYING.

A LITTLE BIT EACH NIGHT. A LITTLE BIT.

Y'’ALL CALL IT SLEEP APNEA. WE CALL IT MARRIAGE.

THERE'’S NOT A MAN HERE THAT'’S SINGLE WITH SLEEP APNEA.

- KNOW WHAT YOU GET SLEEP APNEA FROM?

MEN--SEE, YOUNG DUDES, YOU KNOW--

WOMEN HIT YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.

A WIFE WILL TAG YOU.

SHE'’LL HAVE A FLASHBACK OR SOMETHING, LOOK AT YOU.

POW!

YOU'’LL WAKE UP. "WHAT THE HELL?"

AND SHE'’LL LIE. "SOMETHING BIT ME TOO.

DID YOU GET BIT? SOMETHING BIT ME TOO."

I THINK IT'’S A SPIDER, A SPIDER.

[chuckling]

AND I WANT LADIES TO KNOW SOMETHING.

WE DO GO THROUGH THINGS WITH YOU.

WE DO GO THROUGH THINGS WITH YOU.

YOU DON'’T EVEN UNDERSTAND IT.

WE GO THROUGH MENOPAUSE.

YOUR MENOPAUSE IS OUR MENOPAUSE.

YOUR MENOPAUSE IS OUR MENOPAUSE.

YOU DON'’T KNOW IT, BUT IT IS.

'’CAUSE YOUR SYSTEM IS SO WACKY NOW.

YOUR TEMPERATURE SYSTEM IS SO WACKY.

BY MY BED I GOT A PARKA AND SOME GYM TRUNKS.

'’CAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TEMPERATURE IT'’S GONNA BE

WHEN I COME HOME.

AND YOU HAVE TO GO WITH WHATEVER SHE FEELS.

"AREN'’T YOU FREEZING? AREN'’T YOU FREEZING?

SNOW IS COMING IN THE WINDOW."

"OH, YEAH, I'’M FREEZING."

TIME TO PUT ON MY GYM TRUNKS.

AND THEN IT CHANGES.

FIVE MINUTES LATER. "I'’M BURNING UP.

I'’M HOT. I'’M BURNING UP."

OH! TIME TO PUT ON THE OTHER SUIT.

AND THEN YOU SWEAT OUT OF NOWHERE.

FFFWWW! FFFWWW!

IT'’S NOT LIKE SWEAT LIKE THIS.

IT'’S "I THOUGHT SHE PEED ON ME."

SAY, "HEY!" "I'’M SWEATING."

AND THE FIRST TIME A WOMAN HAVE A HOT FLASH,

IT LOOKS LIKE A HEART ATTACK.

"YOU OKAY?"

"WHEW! I WAS BURNING UP FOR A SECOND."

THAT'’S WHAT I'M SAYING. THEY DON'’T NEED DRUGS.

THEY NEED TO BOTTLE MENOPAUSE SO YOU CAN SHOOT THAT.

[laughing]

SOMETHING ELSE, LADIES. ANOTHER QUESTION.

ANYTHING ABOUT A MAN--YES.

HE'’S WHAT? HE'’S MESSY.

OKAY, THAT'’S A WOMAN'S-- WHAT DO WE MEAN "MESSY"?

MY SHIRT'’S ON THE FLOOR? DID THE HOUSE FALL DOWN?

DID THE CHILDREN DIE?

DID THE DAY GO ON?

DOES HE WORK? DOES HE HAVE A JOB?

LEAVE THE SHIRT ON THE GROUND. IT AIN'’T YOUR SHIRT.

WHY ARE YOU STALKING HIM AROUND THE HOUSE FOLLOWING HIM?

THAT'’S HIS CLOTHES. THOSE ARE NOT YOUR CLOTHES.

LOOK AT THIS. IT DON'’T BOTHER ME.

LOOK AT THAT, LOOK AT THAT. IT DON'’T BOTHER ME.

YOU CAN'’T TAKE IT. YOU CAN'’T TAKE THAT.

LEARN TO DO THIS.

SEE HOW FREE I AM?

THIS IS YOU. "OH, GOD! OH, GOD!

"I AM SICK-- I AM SICK AND TIRED

OF ALWAYS PICKING UP EVERYTHING!"

WELL, QUIT PICKING IT UP.

YOU WEARING YOURSELF OUT.

I LEFT THAT SHIRT ON THE FLOOR

'’CAUSE I'M GONNA WEAR IT AGAIN TOMORROW.

IT'’S RIGHT...WHERE I WANT IT AS I GO TO THE DOOR.

THERE'’S A METHOD TO THE MADNESS.

[chuckling]

WHAT ELSE? OKAY, LADIES, WHAT ELSE?

WHAT ELSE BOTHERS YOU ABOUT US?

'’CAUSE THIS IS YOUR NIGHT. - THE TOILET SEAT!

- THE TOILET SEAT.

'’CAUSE YOU COULDN'T PUT IT DOWN BY YOURSELF.

YOU DIDN'’T SEE IT WAS UP. YOU FOUND THE BATHROOM.

HOW'’D YOU MISS THE TOILET SEAT UP?

DID YOU TAKE YOUR EYE OFF THE PRIZE?

IS THAT WHAT YOU DID?

DID YOU GET TO THE DOOR AND WALK IN LIKE THIS?

"OH, I'’M ALMOST THERE NOW.

"I GUESS IT'’S DOWN. I GUESS IT'’S DOWN.

"I WON'’T LOOK, '’CAUSE IF HE LOVES ME,

I SHOULDN'’T HAVE TO LOOK. I SHOULDN'’T HAVE TO LOOK."

IT'’S YOUR BUTT.

YOU FELL IN. YOU SHOULD'’VE LOOKED.

HE LEFT THE SEAT UP BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU.

WOMEN DON'’T EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT.

IF THE SEAT IS UP, THAT MEANS I DIDN'’T PEE ON IT.

THAT'’S THE BEST GIFT I CAN GIVE YOU.

IF THE SEAT IS UP,

IT MEANS IT'’S SAFE FOR YOU TO SIT DOWN.

IF YOU EVER WALK IN THE BATHROOM

AND THE SEAT IS DOWN, DON'’T YOU TRUST IT.

YOU MIGHT STICK.

YES, HUH? NIGHT HUMPING.

- NIGHT HUMPING.

- NIGHT HUMPING. IT'’S CALLED SLEEPING.

SO HE HUMPS YOU AT NIGHT. - YES.

- IF YOU GIVE HIM SOME SEX, HE'’D QUIT HUMPING YOU.

JUST GIVE HIM SOME SEX. A LITTLE BIT.

HE DON'’T WANT A LOT.

MATTER OF FACT, IF YOU GET NAKED, HE MIGHT FREAK

HE HASN'’T HAD SOME SO LONG.

"WAIT, WHAT YOU DOING? WH--HEY!

I'’M JUST HUMPING. WHY YOU GETTING NAKED?"

SEE, KNOW WHAT YOU DO TO MAKE A MAN STOP DOING STUFF?

DO WHAT HE'’S ASKING FOR.

MEN--SEE, THAT'’S HOW MEN ARE.

YOU WANT TO FREAK HIM OUT,

NEXT TIME WHEN YOU GET IN THE BED,

JUST GET IN THE BED NAKED.

"COME ON, BOY! COME ON!"

"HEY, HEY, HEY!

"WAIT A MINUTE!

WAIT A MINUTE!"

YOU'’LL SCARE HIM.

YOU FORGOT HOW TO USE YOUR TECHNIQUE.

MEN ACT LIKE THEY WANT STUFF.

AS SOON AS YOU DO IT, "I WASN'’T READY FOR THAT."

IT'’LL SCARE HIM.

HE'’LL BE IN THE LIVING ROOM. "I HOPE SHE'’S ASLEEP."

"I'’M STILL HERE!"

OH, MAN!

ISN'’T IT FUNNY HOW THE WHOLE SEX THING CHANGES

ONCE YOU GET MARRIED?

FOR THE FIRST THREE OR FOUR YEARS, YOU HAVE SEX.

THEN YOU GOTTA WORK, YOU GOTTA EARN IT.

YOU GOTTA EARN IT, YOU GOTTA EARN IT.

IT'’S A TRADE. IT'’S A TRADE.

THEY'’LL COME IN NAKED.

"I'’LL GIVE YOU SOME IF YOU FIX SOMETHING."

"I FIXED THE LIGHT."

YOU GOTTA TRADE OUT.

YOU START TAKING RAIN CHECKS.

IF YOU DATE, IT'’S ALL SEXY.

YOU DATE. "WHAT YOU DOING?

YOU WATCHING-- WHAT YOU DOING?"

YOU GET MARRIED. "YOU WANNA DO SOMETHING?"

"WELL, IT'’S TUESDAY.

"I WISH YOU HAD SAID SOMETHING EARLIER.

"I DIDN'’T--WE USUALLY DO STUFF ON THURSDAY.

"I DIDN'’T KNOW WE WERE GOING--

"I NEED TO SET SOME DVRs. WE GOTTA TAPE OUR SHOWS.

CANT MISS OUR SHOWS."

[chuckling]

"GET OFF SCHEDULE. WE CAN'’T GET OFF SCHEDULE."

AND THEN ONCE YOU HAVE A BABY, ALL THE SEX STOP.

WOMEN FREAK OUT-- SOMETHING ABOUT WOMEN,

ONCE THEY HAVE BABIES, LIKE THEY DON'’T WANT

THE BABY TO KNOW THEY WAS FREAKY.

[excited mumbling]

"THE BABY WILL SEE."

THE BABY'’S A MONTH OLD.

MAN CAN HAVE SEX WITH A BABY LOOKING RIGHT AT HIM.

"HA HA!

"WHO'’S YOUR DADDY? I'’M EVERYBODY'S DADDY.

"I'’M YOUR DADDY. I'’M HER DADDY.

I'’M EVERYBODY'S DADDY."

[chuckling]

WOMEN FREAK OUT ON THAT STUFF.

SOME OF Y'’ALL GOT KIDS AT YOUR HOUSE, MAN,

THAT MESSED UP YOUR LOVE LIFE.

DONE MESSED UP YOUR LOVE LIFE.

"SHH! THE KIDS'’LL COME IN.

SHH! SHH!"

YOU LEARN TO HAVE, LIKE, STATIC SEX.

"OKAY." "YOU'’RE MOVING."

"NO, I SWEAR I'’M NOT MOVING. GOT ASTHMA. I WAS BREATHING."

IT'’S YOUR HOUSE.

THOSE KIDS DON'’T PAY FOR NOTHING.

TAKE YOUR HOUSE BACK.

DON'’T HAVE QUIET SEX.

KEEP THE DOOR OPEN.

BE LOUD. THEY'’LL ONLY COME IN ONCE.

"AAH! AAH!"

AND THEY'’LL NEVER COME BACK.

NOW YOU GOT YOUR HOUSE BACK.

THAT'’S WHAT YOU DO.

[chuckling]

NOW I WANT TO HELP Y'’ALL.

WHO GOT GROWN FOLKS AT THEIR HOUSE?

WHO GOT GROWN KIDS, CAN'’T GET 'EM OUT THE HOUSE?

GOT GROWN KIDS, CAN'’T GET 'EM OUT THE HOUSE?

I'’M GONNA HELP YOU. NOW THEY'’RE GONNA BE DAMAGED.

THIS IS GONNA JACK '’EM UP.

BUT THEY WILL LEAVE YOUR HOUSE TONIGHT.

YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND WALK AROUND NAKED AND HAVE SEX.

GROWN KIDS CAN'’T TAKE THEIR PARENTS HAVING SEX.

IT FREAKS THEM OUT.

WHILE THEY'’RE EATING BREAKFAST, COME NAKED INTO THE KITCHEN.

"HOW LONG YOU GONNA BE HERE? WE GONNA USE THAT TABLE."

"OH, GOD, DADDY!

THAT'’S NASTY, DADDY!"

SMACK YOUR WIFE ON THE BUTT. "YOUR MAMA'’S A FREAK."

THEY WILL RUN OUT OF YOUR HOUSE.

OH!

WE ARE--WE ARE WHAT WE ARE. WE CAN'’T HELP IT.

AND THEN WE GET INTO RELATIONSHIPS AND THINGS CHANGE.

YOU GET IN RELATIONSHIPS--

THAT'’S WHY I TELL PEOPLE, BEFORE YOU HAVE KIDS

TRAVEL, SEE THE WORLD.

WHEN YOU FIRST GET TOGETHER, GO PLACES.

'’CAUSE ONCE YOU HAVE CHILDREN,

YOU'’RE GONNA GO TO CHUCK E. CHEESE,

THAT'’S ALL YOU'RE GOING.

THAT'’S YOUR EUROPE, THAT'’S YOUR FRANCE,

THAT'’S YOUR-- THAT'’S YOUR BERMUDA,

CHUCK E. CHEESE.

THERE'’S PEOPLE HERE WHO ARE OVER 50 WITH NO KIDS,

THEY DON'’T LOOK OLD.

LOOK AT PEOPLE WITH NO KIDS. NO WRINKLES.

THEY JUST SIT THERE, "OH, MY GOD,

WE'’RE GOING TO JAMAICA NEXT WEEK."

AND PEOPLE WITH KIDS:

[angrily] "YOU DON'’T KNOW THE JOY!

YOU DON'’T-- YOU DON'’T KNOW THE JOY!"

TRYING TO MAKE YOU HAVE KIDS.

[sobbing] "YOU NEED SOME KIDS!

LOOK HOW HAPPY I AM. SHUT UP!"

MAN, '’CAUSE KIDS CHANGE EVERYTHING.

EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING.

WHERE MY PEOPLE IN THEIR 20s?

WHERE MY PEOPLE IN THEIR 20s? YOU 20s?

[scattered cheers]

LEAVE YOUR HOUSE.

MOVE OUT!

MOVE OUT!

I KNOW TIMES ARE TIGHT.

DON'’T MOVE BACK TO SAVE MONEY.

THAT'’S HOW WE SAVE MONEY-- WITH YOU OUT.

AS SOON AS TIMES GET TIGHT, Y'’ALL COME BACK.

[knocking]

"IT'’S TOUGH OUT HERE. I GOTTA...

I GOTTA REGROUP."

WE'’RE TRYING TO REGROUP TOO!

DON'’T LET YOUR KIDS BACK IN THE HOUSE.

CRACK THE DOOR. "HEY, WHAT'’S UP?"

"MAMA, IT'’S ME." "I KNOW, I KNOW, I SEE YOU.

"I'’M GONNA TELL YOUR DAD YOU'’RE HERE.

"JENNIFER'’S HERE!

"BACK UP, BACK UP.

"WE GONNA COME OUT AND TALK TO YOU.

BACK UP."

[laughing]

IT'’S CRAZY, MAN.

AND Y'’ALL MOVE BACK HOME, AND YOU PISSED OFF.

MAD YOU EVEN HAVE TO BE THERE.

"I HATE IT HERE!"

YOU'’RE SUPPOSED TO.

I GET MY PARENTS.

I UNDERSTAND MY MOTHER AND DAD NOW.

I GOT--I SEE WHY THEY--

THEY MADE OUR LIFE SO HARD WHEN WE WERE YOUNG.

THEY WANT YOU TO HATE IT SO MUCH, YOU SAY STUFF:

"I CAN'’T WAIT TO GO!"

"THERE YOU GO.

I'’M GONNA HELP YOU."

AND KIDS ARE MAD NOW, DON'’T EVEN HAVE CHORES.

KNOW WHAT'’S A CHORE NOW? CLEANING YOUR ROOM.

THAT AIN'’T NO CHORE. YOU LIVE THERE.

YOU SUPPOSED-- CHORES IS LIKE--

MY DAD HAD CHORES LIKE, "HELP ME PUT IN A HOT WATER HEATER."

I'’M EIGHT YEARS OLD.

"DON'’T YOU DROP IT ON ME."

[sobbing] "I CAN'’T LIFT IT! DADDY, I CAN'’T!"

"DON'’T YOU DROP THAT HOT WATER HEATER ON ME."

THAT'’S HOW YOU LEARN STUFF.

THEN HE--HE TAUGHT ME ABOUT GAS.

"LIGHT THE PILOT LIGHT."

WHOOF! TOOK THE EYEBROW OFF.

"WHAT'’D YOU LEARN?"

"WHAT'’D YOU LEARN?"

[whimpering incoherently]

MY FATHER DIDN'’T PUT NO SOCKETS IN THE PLUGS.

HE DIDN'’T HAVE NO LITTLE SOCKETS IN THE WALL.

HE SAID, "TAKE THIS KNIFE, STICK IT IN THERE."

UNH!

"THAT'’S CALLED ELECTRICITY.

"AND I BET YOU WON'’T DO THAT AGAIN.

"NOW SHOW YOUR LITTLE BROTHER.

SHOW YOUR LITTLE BROTHER."

THAT'’S HOW YOU LEARN STUFF.

[chuckles]

MAN.

IT'’S JUST--IT'S JUST CRAZ-- BEING A PARENT.

I TELL YOUNG PEOPLE, "MAN, CUT YOUR PARENTS SOME SLACK."

'’CAUSE YOU GONNA BE JUST AS JACKED UP.

I KNOW YOU THINK YOU'’RE GONNA BE A BETTER PARENT.

I KNOW ALL Y'’ALL, "I CAN'T WAIT TILL I'’M A PARENT."

NO, WE CAN'’T WAIT, EITHER.

WE HOPE YOU HAVE KIDS, SO YOUR LIFE SUCKS,

JUST LIKE US.

WE CAN'’T WAIT FOR YOU TO HAVE KIDS

SO THAT ONE TIME YOU COME TO THE HOUSE,

"I DON'’T KNOW WHAT TO DO."

"HA HA! DON'’T BRING HIM HERE.

"I ALREADY HAD ONE JUST LIKE HIM.

I DON'’T NEED ANOTHER ONE."

HOW MANY Y'’ALL GRANDPARENTS?

HOW MANY Y'’ALL ARE GRANDPARENTS IN HERE?

THEY TRY TO DROP THE KIDS--

THEY TRY TO DROP THE GRANDKIDS AT YOUR HOUSE.

LIKE YOU WANT THAT. THEY SHOW UP LIKE THIS.

"WE'’RE SO WORN OUT, WE JUST WANT TO GO HAVE A DINNER.

CAN YOU WATCH '’EM?"

OH, NEXT TIME THEY DO THAT, OKAY, WATCH THEM.

GIVE THEM SOME RED BULL, SOME COTTON CANDY.

FIRE THAT CHILD UP.

HAVE THAT CHILD HIGH.

WHEN THEY COME TO GET '’EM: "MA! MA! MAMA, MAMA!

"MAMA! GRANDMA, GRANDMA, GRANDMA, GRANDMA, GRANDMA!

MAMA, GRANDMA, GRANDMA, MAMA, MAMA!"

I BET YOU WON'’T BRING '’EM HERE NO MORE.

GONNA HAVE A.D.D.H.D. WHEN THEY GET OUT OF HERE.

NOW, WHAT IS IT? EVERY KID GOT A.D.D.

EVERY KID! EVERY KID GOT A.D.D. NOW.

"OH, HE'’S GOT A.D.D."

"ALL HE DID WAS STAND UP!"

"OH, OH, HE'’S GOT A.D.D."

"WHAT'’D HE DO? ""HE STOOD UP.

NO KID STANDS UP IN THIS CLASS."

IF THEY PLAYED OUTSIDE, THEY WOULDN'’T HAVE NO A.D.D.

[scattered applause]

THEY WOULDN'’T HAVE IT.

THEY WOULDN'’T HAVE IT! GO OUTSIDE!

THAT GETS ALL THAT OUT OF YOU.

MY FATHER--I HAD A.D.D., BUT THERE WAS NO NAME FOR IT.

THEY HAD A DIFFERENT NAME:

"RUN AROUND THIS HOUSE AGAIN.

"RUN AROUND THIS HOUSE ONE MORE TIME

"LIKE YOU LOST YOUR MIND.

NOW, SIT DOWN."

"QUIT SHAKIN'’!"

"GET YOURSELF TOGETHER, BOY!"

HE CURED ME OF MY A.D.D. WITH NO DRUGS.

SO I COULD EXIST IN SOCIETY.

[cheers and applause]

[chuckling]

OH, MAN, I'’M TELLING YOU, DUDE, IT'’S--

IT'’S JUST WE-- WE OVER-CODDLE OUR KIDS,

WE GIVE THEM TOO MUCH,

AND THEN WE WONDER WHAT'’S WRONG WITH THEM.

WE JACK '’EM UP, THEN WE SAY, "WHAT'’S WRONG WITH YOU?"

WE JACK '’EM UP AND SAY, "WHAT'’S WRONG WITH YOU?"

"I'’M JACKED UP! I'’M JACKED UP!"

KIDS TURN 16 LIKE THAT MEANS YOU'’RE SUPPOSED TO GET A CAR.

KIDS TURN 16 LIKE--"I'’M 16." "THAT'’S GOOD.

"IF I HAVE A HEART ATTACK, YOU GET ME OUT THE WAY,

"AND YOU DRIVE ME TO THE HOSPITAL...

"'’CAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY WAY

YOU'’RE GONNA DRIVE MY CAR AT 16."

AND THEY DON'’T JUST WANT A CAR.

THEY WANT A CAR THAT'’S NEW.

IF IT'’S OLDER THAN TWO YEARS OLD--

"OH, THAT-- THAT'’S THREE YEARS OLD!"

NOW, I WAS COMING UP, IT WAS IN THE LAST 15 YEARS--

THAT'’S A NEW CAR.

IF IT'’S IN THE LAST CENTURY, THAT'’S A GOOD CAR!

YOU DON'’T NEED ALL THE DOORS.

SOMEBODY GOTTA HANG ON. [laughter]

[Sinbad chuckling]

OH.

THEY GET AN ATTITUDE AT YOU

LIKE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE MAD '’CAUSE THEY GONNA WALK.

"I'’LL JUST WALK!" "OKAY."

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT Y'’ALL DO? "NO, NO, I'’LL TAKE YOU."

I AIN'’T GETTING UP '’CAUSE YOU MADE THE TEAM.

YOU SHOULDN'’T HAVE RAN SO FAST.

HOW MANY OF Y'’ALL DREAD WHEN YOUR KIDS MAKE A TEAM?

YOU MADE THE TEAM? DAMN!

THAT'’S FOOTBALL ANDBASKETBALL!

I AIN'’T GONNA SLEEP TILL JUNE!

HOW MANY OF Y'’ALL GOT LITTLE KIDS,

YOU BE IN A TOURNAMENT,

AND YOU'’RE HOPING HE MISS THE LAST SHOT?

"DON'’T MAKE IT, DON'T MAKE IT! WHOO! AW.

"OH, WE SO SAD Y'’ALL LOST.

BUT WE GONNA SLEEP NEXT WEEK."

NOW, YOU A BAD PARENT

'’CAUSE YOU FORGOT IT WAS YOUR SNACK DAY.

IT'’S YOUR SNACK DAY, AND YOU DIDN'’T BRING SNACKS.

[whining] YOU SUPPOSED TO BRING SNACKS.

HE AIN'’T BRING SNACKS!

Y'’ALL LOST. YOU DON'’T NEED NO SNACKS.

YOU NEED TO GO HOME.

AND NOW EVERY KID GETS AN AWARD.

SOMEONE GOT TO SUCK. THAT'’S WHAT MAKES YOU STRONGER.

SOMEONE GOT TO SUCK.

THEY GOT A TROPHY FOR EVERYBODY.

THEY GOT A TROPHY CALLED, "YOU TRY HARD.

YOU TRY HARD."

THAT MEANS YOU SUCK! [laughter]

YOU TRY HARD. THIS "THE TRY HARD" AWARD.

WE HAVE A SPECIAL AWARD FOR JOHNNY.

JOHNNY CAN'’T RUN OR SHOOT. HE'’S NO GOOD.

HE CLUMSY. BUT I WISH I HAD NINE OF HIM.

I WISH I HAD NINE JOHNNIES!

NO, YOU DON'’T.

YOU WANT 1 LEBRON AND 20 OF HIM.

YOU DON'’T CARE.

THERE'’S NO "I" IN TEAM. OH, YEAH.

YOU HOPE YOU GOT A "I." THERE'’S ME.

THINK ABOUT IT.

ALL THIS STUFF IS SO FAKE ABOUT SPORTS.

"WE JUST WANT-- I JUST WANT GOOD TEAMWORK."

NO, YOU WANT SOMEBODY 6'’9" TO JUMP OUT THE GYM.

'’CAUSE YOU WANT YOUR TEAM TO WIN, DON'’T YOU?

YOU WANT YOUR TEAM TO WIN. THERE'’S NOT ONE FAMILY HERE--

"OUR TEAM IS NOT THAT GOOD, BUT THEY ALL GRADUATED.

THEY'’RE SMART, AND THEY'’RE GOOD PEOPLE."

WELL, YOU NEED TO FIND A DUMB ONE THAT CAN PLAY...

SO Y'’ALL CAN WIN SOME GAMES.

LOT OF YOU WOMEN MAKE A MISTAKE

TRYING TO BE A BEST FRIEND WITH YOUR KIDS.

YOUR KIDS AIN'’T YOUR BEST FRIEND.

YOUR BEST FRIEND CAN'’T BE SEVEN!

[laughter]

AND SOME OF YOU LADIES ARE LIKE,

"PEOPLE THINK ME AND MY DAUGHTER ARE SISTERS."

OH, THAT'’S EVERY DAUGHTER'’S DREAM

TO LOOK LIKE HER 55-YEAR-OLD MAMA.

SHE GONNA NEED THERAPY ALL HER LIFE.

LET YOURSELF GET OLD. LET YOURSELF GET OLD.

GIVE YOUR CHILD A CHANCE.

ALL THIS SURGERY, LOSING YOUR MIND.

EVEN IF YOU LOOK GOOD,

'’CAUSE WOMEN AT 40, 50, 60, Y'’ALL WORKING OUT,

Y'’ALL LOOK GOOD,

BUT YOU CAN'’T WEAR THEM PANTS THAT SAY JUICY.

STOP THAT.

YOU 60 YEARS OLD.

TAKE THEM PANTS OFF AND GIVE '’EM BACK TO YOUR GRANDCHILD.

JUICY. I'’M JUICY.

I'’M STILL JUICY.

[laughter]

AND SOME OF Y'’ALL TRY AND PUT YOUR BUTT IN THE PANTS,

YOU CAN'’T EVEN SEE THE LETTERS.

I SAW "U, I." I THOUGHT IT WAS UI.

THE "J" WAS OVER HERE. OH...OH...OH!

OH, JUICY. I THOUGHT UI. I DIDN'’T KNOW WHAT THAT WAS,

I THOUGHT IT WAS A UNIVERSITY.

SOME OF THE LETTERS WAS MISSING.

THEY WERE ON THE SIDE.

[laughter]

ALL THIS SURGERY DOESN'’T FOOL ANYBODY.

LADIES, YOU EARNED BEING OLD. YOU EARNED IT.

YOU EARNED IT! YOU'’VE EARNED IT!

BE SEXY.

I'’M-A GET MY BREASTS LIFTED. I'’M-A GET MY BREASTS LIFTED.

YOU EARNED IT. DROP '’EM. PUT '’EM IN YOUR POCKETS!

[laughter, applause]

FOREPLAY. HIDE '’EM FROM YOUR HUSBAND.

"WHERE ARE THEY?

"YOU PUT '’EM IN YOUR BACK POCKETS?

I COULDN'’T EVEN FIND 'EM THIS TIME."

FOLD '’EM UP.

YOU'’VE EARNED IT. AIN'’T NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

THAT'’S SEXY STILL.

EVERYBODY SO WORRIED ABOUT BEING SEXY,

GETTING THEIR FACE-- MAN, WHEN YOU GET THAT FACELIFT,

EVERYBODY KNOW!

YOU JUST LOOK OLD AND TIGHT.

[laughter]

OH, YOU LOOK SO GOOD.

PUTTING ALL THAT COLLAGEN IN YOUR LIPS.

EVERYBODY NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE BIG LIPS.

IF YOU GOT LITTLE LIPS, FACE IT.

YOU GOTTA HAVE LITTLE LIPS!

LOOK LIKE SOMEBODY PUNCHED YOU IN YOUR FACE.

WHO TOLD WOMEN THAT WAS SEXY?

MEN DON'’T WANT THAT BIG LIP COMING AT '’EM LIKE THAT.

AND THEN SOME WOMEN TRY AND SAVE MONEY.

THEY SUCK THE BUTT FAT OUT THEY BUTT

AND THEY PUT IT IN THEIR LIPS SO THEY GET TWO FOR ONE.

THEY SUCK THE BUTT FAT OUT, SO NOW YOUR BODY ALL CONFUSED.

YOU DON'’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

GIRL, I'’M TIRED. I GOTTA SIT DOWN.

[laughter]

YOUR BODY PARTS DON'’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

YOU'’RE ALL JACKED UP!

YOU GET GAS-- "GIRL, I GOT GAS."

MAN!

FALLIN'’ APART, MAN. ALL I DO IS GO TO REHAB.

SOMETIME YOU JUST LET SOMETHING BREAK.

I'’M SO TIRED OF REHAB, I JUST LET STUFF BREAK.

I JUST HAVE A BAD HAND. I DON'’T CARE.

YOU DON'’T NEED ALL YOUR BODY PARTS.

AS LONG AS YOU GOT ONE STRONG ONE,

YOU CAN DRAG THE OTHER ONE.

[laughter]

IT BECOMES YOUR WALK.

[laughter grows]

THAT'’S YOUR OLD MAN WALK.

I DON'’T RUN ANYWHERE.

I AIN'’T NEVER GONNA RUN AGAIN IN MY LIFE.

I GOT A BETTER CHANCE A CAR HITTIN'’ ME

THAN ME TRYING TO RUN.

I TRY TO RUN, MY BODY LIKE, "GIVE HIM A HEART ATTACK.

HE TRYING TO RUN!"

I GOT THAT LITTLE FAKE RUN. I GET ONE STEP OFF...

[laughter]

I GOT ONE MOVE.

THAT'’S WHY I GOTTA WAIT TILL THE CAR ALMOST GET TO ME.

I GOTTA TIME IT JUST RIGHT.

STUFF START PULLIN'’. YOU PULL YOUR--

I PULLED A HAMSTRING. I PULLED A GROIN.

THERE'’S A MUSCLE IN THE BUTT CALLED A PIRIFORMIS MUSCLE.

YOU WON'’T LEARN ABOUT IT TILL YOU GET OLD.

WHEN YOU GET OLD. IT'’S ONLY THE SIZE OF A WALNUT.

IT'’S THE SIZE OF A WALNUT AND IT--YOU GET SCIATICA.

IT GOES FROM THE NECK DOWN TO THE BACK OF YOUR KNEE.

YOU'’LL BE STANDING SOMEWHERE.

SEE, YOUNG PEOPLE LIKE THIS-- "WHAT IS THAT?"

KEEP ON LIVING.

KEEP ON LIVING. YOU'’LL FIND OUT.

AND IT WON'’T GO OUT WHEN YOU DOING SOMETHING STRENUOUS.

YOU'’LL BE WASHIN' YOUR FACE.

[laughter]

I'’M TRYING TO PUSH THAT BUTTON. THE BUTTON DON'’T PUSH.

GETTIN'’ OLD IS A TRIP.

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO ALL THE OLDER PEOPLE.

I USED TO LAUGH AT Y'’ALL.

WELL, IT'’S NOT YOUR FAULT.

I GET IT NOW. I GET IT...I GET IT.

I GET IT WHY, WHEN THE LIGHT TURN GREEN--

'’CAUSE YOU GOTTA WARM UP.

YOU CAN'’T JUST JUMP IN THE STREET.

YOU GOTTA BE LIKE...

'’CAUSE YOU BEEN STANDING TOO LONG.

YOU TIGHTEN UP.

GETTING A KNEE REPLACED IS NO JOKE.

GETTING A KNEE REPLACED.

ANYBODY HAD A KNEE REPLACED? HAD A KNEE REPLACED?

HAD A KNEE REPLACED?

DUDE, I'’M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I DIDN'’T BELIEVE IN DRUGS TILL I GOT MY KNEE REPLACED.

GOD PUT DRUGS HERE FOR A REASON IN SMALL AMOUNTS.

YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO HAVE SOME.

DARVOCET. I KEEP TWO.

AT ALL TIMES.

I WAS SO HIGH-- THEY HAD ME ON THE INTRAVENOUS.

THEY SAID IT WAS LIKE

SEVEN TIMES MORE POWERFUL THAN MORPHINE.

THEY HAD IT STUCK IN ME, A DRIP.

I WOKE UP. I WAS LIKE...

I SAID, "I CAN LEAVE TODAY. I FEEL SO GOOD!"

NOW I SEE WHY PEOPLE WHO ARE JUNKIES

MOVE THEIR FINGERS A LOT.

I WAS LIKE...

[laughter]

I WAS SO MESSED UP,

I HAD A CATHETER IN ME-- I DIDN'’T KNOW.

I LOOKED AT MY WIFE-- "I AIN'’T PEED IN FIVE DAYS."

"OH, YES, YOU DID." "WHERE? WHERE?"

I THOUGHT IT WAS A TUBE THAT WAS FEEDING ME.

I THOUGHT THEY HAD WRAPPED IT AROUND MY LEG.

I WAS GONNA SHOW MY DAUGHTER, "LOOK WHAT THEY GOT!"

MY WIFE JUMPED ON ME. "HEY!"

AND THEN THEY MAKE YOU LEAVE THE NEXT DAY.

THEY WANT THAT HOSPITAL BED THE NEXT DAY.

I'’M LAYING THERE. I JUST HAD MY KNEE REPLACED.

"SO HOW YOU FEEL? YOU FEEL LIKE WALKING TODAY?"

I WAS LIKE... "I DON'’T KNOW IF I CAN...

I DON'’T THINK I SHOULD GO HOME YET!"

AND ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO WORK AT A HOSPITAL,

ALL YOU NURSES AND DOCTORS,

WHEN PEOPLE ARE CLICKING FOR MEDICATION, I AIN'’T PLAYING!

BRING SOME!

I AIN'’T PLAYING WITH YOU!

I HEAR YOU OUT THERE AT THE NURSE STATION--

"THERE HE GO AGAIN.

MR. CLICKY. HERE COME MR. CLICKY."

[laughter]

THAT'’S WHY YOU GOTTA BE WITH A WOMAN IN HER 50s.

SHE ALWAYS GOT MEDICATION.

WOMEN IN THEIR 50s ALWAYS GOT SOME VICODIN.

THEY ALWAYS-- THEY GOT SOME HIDDEN

IN A CERTS OR SUCRETS BOX.

IT'’S NOT IN REGULAR MEDICATION BOXES.

AND THEY ALWAYS LIE TO YOU. "THIS MY LAST ONE.

"I KNOW YOU GOT MORE." "NO, THIS MY LAST--

JUST ENOUGH FOR ME. I HAD JUST ENOUGH FOR ME."

[laughter, murmuring]

STINGY WITH THE DRUGS.

NOW, IN CALIFORNIA, EVERYBODY GET A MEDICAL MARIJUANA--

EVERYBODY GOT-- EVERYBODY GOT IT--

[cheering] LOOK AT '’EM, LOOK AT 'EM.

SAYING YEAH! THEY CAN'’T...

THEY CAN'’T LEGALIZE-- SO JUST THINK ABOUT MARIJUANA.

PEOPLE GO, "WELL, MARIJUANA'’S NOT A DRUG.

IT JUST MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD."

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SOMEBODY SMOKE DOPE?

YOU EVER BEEN AROUND A ROOM, EVERYBODY HIGH?

THEY TALK ABOUT WHAT WE GONNA DO.

IT NEVER GET DONE.

"MAN..." [laughter]

"MAN, WE GONNA...

"START A PRODUCTION...

"WE GONNA DO A PRODUCTION COM--

HA HA HA!"

DON'’T NOTHING GET DONE,

'’CAUSE YOU COULDN'T FIND THE PEN.

"SOMEBODY GET A PEN, WRITE THIS DOWN."

"THEY DON'’T HAVE NO PENS. AIN'’T NO MORE PENS."

ONE THING THAT'’LL NEVER HAPPEN TO YOU.

YOU'’LL NEVER GET CARJACKED BY SOMEBODY SMOKING DOPE.

A CRACK ADDICT WILL TRY AND CARJACK YOU.

A HEROIN ADDICT WILL TRY THAT.

SEE, A CRACK ADDICT WILL TRY TO CARJACK YOU WITH NOTHIN'’.

HEY!

DUDE, YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHING. YOU GOTTA BRING SOMETHING.

THEY'’RE SO MESSED UP, THEY'’LL JUST TRY.

YOU'’LL NEVER GET CARJACKED BY SOMEBODY SMOKING DOPE.

"DUDE...WAIT, MAN, WHERE YOU GOIN'’? WAIT!

"HA HA HA!

WAIT! LET ME HAVE THOSE CHEETOS."

[laughter, applause]

IF YOU DRINK, DON'’T GO TO THE ZOO,

'’CAUSE YOU DO DUMB STUFF.

THEY NEED TO QUIT SERVING ALCOHOL AT THE ZOO.

THERE'’S ALWAYS SOME DRUNK PERSON JUMP IN WITH A LION.

THAT'’S BEYOND ALCOHOL.

YOU MUST HAVE CUT THAT WITH SOMETHING ELSE.

AND YOUR FRIENDS,

THEY NOT SUPPOSED TO DRINK WITH YOU.

SOMEBODY GOTTA BE SOBER. "HEY, JOHN! THAT'’S A LION!"

[drunkenly] "I KNOW!

[slurring] "HERE, KITTY, KITTY.

HERE, KITTY."

YOU EVER SEE THE PICTURES WHEN THEY SHOW PEOPLE

JUMPING IN WITH THE ANIMALS?

THE ANIMAL'’S LIKE THIS, "OH, HE MUST BE MESSED UP."

'’CAUSE THEY DON'T ATTACK RIGHT AWAY.

THEY'’RE LIKE...

"DID HE JUST JUMP OVER THIS FENCE HERE?

I'’M-A GIVE HIM 30 SECONDS TO LEAVE."

[laughter]

"I GOTTA BITE HIM, I GOTTA REP. I GOT TO ATTACK HIM."

OTHER FOLKS BE JUMPING.

ALL KIND OF MONKEYS BE JUMPING UP IN HERE.

[chuckles]

THEY HAVE THIS VIDEO, IF YOU GO ON YOUTUBE,

CALLED CHRISTIAN THE LION.

AND THEY GOT WHITNEY HOUSTON PLAYING,

SING I ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

IT'’S ABOUT A DUDE, HIM AND HIS--

SEE, NEVER BLACK FOLKS.

ALL THESE BLACK PEOPLE IN AFRICA,

WE NEVER GO LOOK FOR THE LIONS.

WE TAKE YOU TO HIM, AND WE STAND OUTSIDE THE CAVE.

"HE'’S IN THERE."

WE STAND OUTSIDE WITH A GUN.

IF HE COMES OUT, HE'’S A DEAD LION.

"OH, NO, DON'’T SHOOT HIM. DON'’T SHOOT HIM.

IT WAS MY FAULT. I WALKED UP ON HIM."

I'’M-A SHOOT BOTH OF Y'ALL!

YOU BROUGHT HIM OUT THE CAVE TO ME!

THEY RAISED THIS LITTLE LION CALLED CHRISTIAN.

THEY SHOW HIM, HE'’S RUNNING IN SLOW MOTION,

HE'’S RUNNING WITH THE LION, THEY'’RE KICKING THE BALL.

NOW THE LION, THEY RELEASED HIM OUT TO THE PRIDE

AND NOW HE'’S WITH HIS WIFE,

AND HIS WIFE HAS NEVER MET THE PEOPLE.

AND HE SAID, "WE WANT TO FIND HIM

AND SEE IF HE STILL KNOWS US."

AND THEY SAY, "YOU WANNA LOOK FOR THE LION?

AND HIS WIFE WHO DON'’T KNOW YOU?" "YES!"

THEY MADE HIM SIGN PAPERS--

WELL, IF YOU DIE, IT AIN'’T ON US.

AND WE NEED OUR MONEY UP FRONT RIGHT NOW.

SO THEY'’RE WALKING WITH A STICK,

AND WHITNEY HOUSTON, SHE'’S SINGING.

THIS LION SAYS, "WHAT THE HELL?"

AND THEN IT FREAKED ME OUT.

THE LION RUNS AT HIM AND JUMPS UP ON HIM

AND HUGS HIM IN A BEAR HUG.

HUGS HIM IN A BEAR HUG, AND HIS WIFE LIKE THIS--

"OH, WE AIN'’T GONNA KILL THIS ONE?"

THE WIFE COME OVER. THEY'’RE HUGGING.

THEY'’RE RUBBING THE WIFE. THEY'’RE HUGGING AND PLAYING.

THE LION LIKE THIS, "MAN, I BEEN WONDERING WHERE YOU AT!

"MAN, I BEEN WONDERING WHERE YOU AT!

I'’M OUT HERE WITH THESE LIONS. I CAN'’T FIND YOU!"

AND I'’M LIKE THIS-- "THAT'’S THE DUMBEST THING."

PEOPLE WERE CRYING. I AIN'’T CRYING.

THAT'’S A FOOL!

'’CAUSE IT COULD HAVE BEEN A WHOLE DIFFERENT VIDEO.

"WHO THE HELL IS THAT?"

"I DON'’T KNOW--HE KEEPS SHOUTING MY NAME, CHRISTIAN."

HE STOOD THERE LIKE THIS.

IT COULDA BEEN: WHA-ACK!

AND A HEAD WOULDA ROLLED DOWN THE PRIDE.

I DON'’T GO ON SAFARIS IN AFRICA.

I'’M NOT GOIN' ON SAFARI.

THREE'’S A REASON THOSE ANIMALS LIVE OUT THERE.

YOU DON'’T SEE ANIMALS IN A TRUCK

COMING THROUGH NEIGHBORHOODS-- "THE PEOPLE LIVE HERE.

THEY'’RE DANGEROUS IF YOU SEE THEM COMING OUTSIDE."

WHERE I LIVE, WE GOT ENOUGH ANIMALS.

WE GOT MOUNTAIN LIONS, WE GOT BOBCATS.

WE GOT BLACK WIDOW SPIDERS. WE GOT RATTLESNAKES.

SEE, AS SOON AS WE LEAVE THE NEIGHBORHOOD, BLACK FOLKS,

AND WE WANNA MOVE OUT TO THE SUBURBS,

THERE'’S A WHOLE NEW KINDA ANIMAL WE GOT TO DEAL WITH.

I'’M GONNA GET OUT THE HOOD. I'’M-A LIVE WITH NATURE.

I WANNA LIVE WITH NATURE, AND YOU GOTTA RESPECT NATURE

AND NATURE WILL RESPECT YOU.

NO, IT DON'’T.

SOMETIME IT BE HIDIN'’ IN THE KITCHEN.

[laughter]

[click, click]

[hisses]

THIS FOOL...

THOUGHT HE WAS RAISIN'’ A BABY CAT, A BOBCAT.

HE THOUGHT HE FOUND A CAT. IT WAS A BOBCAT HE FOUND.

AND HE WAS FEEDING THE CAT, YOU KNOW, MILK AND STUFF,

AND THE CAT WAS LIKE THIS, "I NEED A SANDWICH."

SO HE WAS GIVING IT CAT FOOD. [laughs]

I THINK IT WAS THE RACHAEL RAY--

THE RACHAEL RAY CAT FOOD. IT HAD THE RACHAEL RAY CAT FOOD.

AND THE CAT SNATCHED THE HAMBURGER FROM HIM.

SO HE SAID, "YOU DON'’T TAKE IT,"

AND HE SCRATCHED MY MAN'’S FACE UP.

AND THEN THE FIREMEN CAME OUT. "IT'’S A BOBCAT."

"OH, MY GOD. YEAH, IT'’S DEEP!"

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GOT A HAMBURGER AND THE CAT GO,

"RAAAR..."

WHEN YOU GOT MEAT AND THE CAT GO, "RAAAR,"

"YOU WANT SOME OF THIS?" "RAAAR!"

DROP IT AND RUN!

SOME STUFF YOU NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE.

LIKE LITTLE DOGS THAT FIT IN YOUR PURSE AND YOUR POCKET.

THAT'’S NOT A DOG.

WE GOT ONE. WE GOT A CHIHUAHUA.

MY WIFE FOUND A CHIHUAHUA. WE SAVED IT.

FROM A PARKING LOT.

WHENEVER YOU SEE A DOG IN A PARKING LOT,

SOMEBODY PUT THAT DOG THERE FOR A REASON.

THERE'’S A REASON.

WHEN YOU GO TO THE DOG POUND-- I MEAN, THAT SOUNDS GOOD

TO SAVE A ANIMAL FROM A DOG POUND--

THERE'’S A REASON PEOPLE LET THEM DOGS GO.

'’CAUSE THEY'RE CRAZY.

THERE'’S A REASON.

THERE'’S A REASON YOU LET THEM DOGS GO.

AND THEY FAKE IT, '’CAUSE THEY KNOW THEY ABOUT TO DIE,

SO WHEN YOU GO TO THE DOG POUND THEY'’RE LIKE THIS--

"HEY, WHAT'’S--HEY! HEY, HEY!

HALLOO! HEY!"

THEN WE GET '’EM HOME.

"OH, DUDE, YOU KNOW I'’M JACKED UP!

DUDE, I GOT ISSUES!"

I GOT THIS DOG. WE DON'’T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

IT'’S MIXED WITH EVERYTHING.

IT'’S A CHOW-GERMAN SHEPHERD- CH-PUPPY.

I DON'’T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

I'’VE HAD IT FOR EIGHT YEARS. IT STILL DON'’T KNOW ME.

IT STILL DOESN'’T KNOW ME.

I COME HOME-- "ERR--OH, IT'’S YOU!

"MY BAD! OOH! ERR! OH, IT'’S YOU!

"MY BAD! ERR!

THAT'’S A NEW SHIRT, THAT'S A NEW SHIRT, THAT'’S A NEW SHIRT!"

[applause]

[laughter]

I TRY TO TAKE HIM BACK.

KNOW WHAT THEY TOLD ME?

"THERE'’S A ANIMAL PSYCHOLOGIST."

OH, NO. IF I AIN'’T SEEN THE SHRINK,

THE DOG AIN'’T GONNA SEE ONE.

THE DOG CAN'’T GO FIRST.

SOMEBODY ELSE IN THE HOUSE GOTTA GO FIRST.

NOT THE DOG.

I CAN'’T PAY THAT KINDA MONEY.

"HOW'’S HE FEELIN'?" "HE'’S VERY ANGRY.

AT YOU. HE'’S VERY ANGRY AT YOU."

"WELL, THEN TELL HIM I'’M GONNA TAKE HIM OUTSIDE

AND LEAVE HIM OUTSIDE."

AND DOGS THAT BEEN PUT OUT OF THE CAR,

THEY DON'’T FALL FOR THAT TWICE.

YOU TRY TAKING A DOG TO THE WOODS--

"OH, HELL, NO.

YOU CAN GET OUT. I AIN'’T GETTIN' OUT THE CAR."

[chuckles]

MAN, WE LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY NOW,

EVERYBODY GOING THROUGH ALL THIS IMMIGRATION ISSUE,

TALKING ABOUT SENDING PEOPLE AWAY.

HOW YOU GONNA LEAVE YOU BEEN LIVING HERE 20 YEARS?

I'’M LOOKING AT STUFF, MAN,

PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT IMMIGRATION.

ALL THESE PEOPLE FROM OTHER COUNTRIES.

EVERYBODY FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY.

DID YOU FORGET WHERE YOU CAME FROM?

WE GONNA GET RID OF ALL THE IMMIGRANTS.

THERE'’LL BE FOUR INDIANS LEFT. THAT'’S ALL YOU GONNA HAVE.

IF YOU GONNA DO IMMIGRATION, THEN DO IT.

GET EVERYBODY OUT.

LET'’S START ALL OVER AGAIN!

I AIN'’T GOIN' NOWHERE. I DON'’T KNOW--

IF I GO TO AFRICA, LOOK AT ME IN AFRICA!

[laughter]

"WHAT TRIBE YOU FROM?" "HIGH YELLOW!"

[laughter]

ME AND YOU, WE'’LL BE OUR OWN TRIBE.

YOU GOT GREEN EYES. YOU CAN'’T BE IN THE TRIBE.

[laughing]

AND IT'’S--SEE, AMERICANS ARE JUST MAD

BECAUSE WE CAN'’T SPEAK ANY OTHER LANGUAGES.

WE SUPPOSED TO BE AN INTELLIGENT COUNTRY.

WE CAN'’T SPEAK TO NOBODY.

WE JUST MAD THAT PEOPLE COME HERE

AND CAN SPEAK OTHER LANGUAGES.

YOU GO TO A THIRD-WORLD COUNTRY,

THEM KIDS SPEAK TWO OR THREE LANGUAGES.

AMERICANS CAN'’T SPEAK NOTHING.

WE GO TO OTHER COUNTRIES MAD.

"CAN SOMEBODY SPEAK ENGLISH?

THESE ARE SOME STUPID PEOPLE!"

NO, MAN. YOU THE FOOL.

YOU IN EUROPE.

"HELLO? HELLO? HELLO?

WHERE'’S THE MCDONALD'S? MCDONALD'’S?"

[laughter]

YOU GOT TO BE CAREFUL YOU GO TO MCDONALD'’S IN OTHER COUNTRIES.

THEY DON'’T HAVE NO COWS.

THEY GOT KANGAROOS AND ROOSTERS.

I DON'’T SEE NO POSSUMS HERE.

"OH, YES, YOU DID.

THAT TEN-PIECE MCNUGGET YOU JUST HAD."

[laughter]

OH, MAN. IT'’S CRAZY.

AND THEN THIS IS WHAT AMERICAN PEOPLE DO.

WHEN WE CAN'’T SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE,

WE SPEAK A DUMBER VERSION OF ENGLISH.

WHERE MY SPANISH PEOPLE AT? I LOVE MY SPANISH PEOPLE.

DON'’T YOU LOVE WHEN SOMEBODY TRY AND SPEAK SPANISH TO YOU?

"UH, YOU, UH--YOU, UH, HELP, UH, ME?

"YOU, UH--YOU CAN--YOU, UH-- CAN YOU, UH, UNDERSTAND--

"CAN YOU, UH--CAN YOU, UH, HELP, UH, ME?

CAN YOU, UH--"

OH, THAT'’S MUCH BETTER.

NOW I'’M RIGHT DOWN WITH YOU.

YOU BETTER LEARN TO SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE.

YOU BETTER LEARN SPANISH.

YOU BETTER LEARN SPANISH, YOU GONNA LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY.

DON'’T FIGHT IT NO MORE. YOU BETTER LEARN IT.

THE DAY IS COMING. YOU BE STANDING IN LINE.

"CAN SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE?"

TELL YOU, MAN, WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO.

MAN, OUR KIDS SHOULD BE LEARNING ALL KINDS OF STUFF.

THIS A METROPOLITAN AREA, MAN. I'’M SORRY.

I KNOW IT STARTED OFF AND YOU WERE SLAVES.

I'’M SORRY WE GOT FREED, BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE FOUGHT

A LITTLE HARDER DURING THE WAR.

WE GOT LOOSE. MY BAD.

WE GOT LOOSE.

[laughter]

SOME OF Y'’ALL LOST JOBS. SOME OF Y'’ALL--

SEE, OLDER PEOPLE-- SEE, THE AMERICAN WAY--

YOUNG PEOPLE, Y'’ALL DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WHAT YOU WENT TO SCHOOL FOR AIN'’T GOT NOTHING

TO DO WITH NOTHING.

FORGET WHAT YOUR SCHOLARSHIP WAS.

FORGET WHAT YOUR DEGREE WAS IN.

YOU BETTER LEARN THE AMERICAN WAY.

LIE ON A RESUME. YOU LIE.

AND YOU LEARN ON THE JOB.

YOU LEARN WHEN YOU GET THERE.

"CAN YOU WELD?" "WELD?

[imitates blowtorch] YEAH!"

[laughter]

THAT'’S HOW I GOT MY FIRST WELDING JOB.

MY DADDY TAUGHT ME HOW TO WELD.

I DIDN'’T REALIZE YOU CAN'’T WEAR SHORTS.

[laughter]

MY FIRST DAY THERE, "WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!

WHOO! WHOA!"

AND THAT OLD MAN LOOKED AT ME AND LAUGHED.

[laughs]

"BOY, YOU CAN'’T WELD.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING EARLIER."

BUT I GOT THAT JOB.

I'’LL GET A JOB. I WILL GET A JOB.

I WILL FIND MYSELF A JOB.

AND I AIN'’T GON' EVEN APPLY.

I'’M JUST GON' GET A BADGE AND SHOW UP.

"CAN I HELP YOU?"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "I GOT A JOB.

"I WORK HERE NOW.

"SIR, I WORK HERE NOW!

YOU GOT TO LET SOMEBODY GO. THIS MY JOB."

YOU GOT TO MAKE PEOPLE THINK YOU SO CRAZY

THEY WON'’T FIRE YOU.

THAT'’S HOW YOU GET JOB SECURITY.

NOT BY BEING A GOOD EMPLOYEE.

YOU GOT TO BE THE EMPLOYEE THEY THINK WILL COME BACK

AT NIGHT WITH A MASK AND KILL EVERYBODY

IN THE PARKING LOT.

THAT'’S HOW YOU KEEP A JOB IN AMERICA.

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, JUST WALK AROUND.

"MAN, IF THEY LET ME GO, I THINK I'’LL KILL

EVERYBODY UP IN HERE!"

"OH, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

"SINBAD, NO ONE'’S GETTING LAID OFF.

SINBAD--SINBAD, NO ONE'’S GETTING LAID OFF."

"THAT'’S WHAT I'M SAYING."

[laughter]

THE PLANT WILL CLOSE.

I'’LL BE STILL WORKING.

[laughter]

MAN, REMEMBER BEFORE THAT-- I LOOK AT--

I AIN'’T GON' LIE. I LIKE TECHNOLOGY.

I LIKE MY TEXTING, BUT THERE IS A LIMIT.

YOUNG PEOPLE TEXT EACH OTHER STANDING

RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER.

[laughter]

SPEAK!

SPEAK!

"DID YOU GET MY TEXT?"

[laughter]

GOD, MAN.

I WANT TO HELP MY YOUNG PEOPLE.

ANY TEENAGERS--NO TEENAGERS HERE, RIGHT?

[cheering] TEENAGERS? TEENAGERS HERE?

HOLD OLD ARE YOU, MAN? - 17.

- OKAY, '’CAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE WITH YOUR FAMILY, RIGHT?

'’CAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A CAR.

I CAN TELL.

I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR EYES. YOU GOT THAT LOOK.

I KNOW IT SUCKS. IT SUCKS, MAN.

YOU 17. YOU DON'’T HAVE NO CAR.

YOU GOT A CAR, BUT YOU DIDN'’T DRIVE IT HERE THOUGH, DID YOU?

'’CAUSE THE VALET PARKING HERE WOULD HAVE SAW YOU.

"WHO'’S CAR IS THIS?"

"IT AIN'’T MINE."

'’CAUSE L.A. PUT PRESSURE ON YOU, MAN.

I DIDN'’T KNOW.

I HAD A LITTLE HOOPTY WHEN I FIRST GOT HERE.

ALL THESE MERCEDES WAS PULLING UP AND BMWs.

THE MAN BROUGHT MINE UP. I SAID,

"TAKE IT OVER THERE. TAKE IT OVER THERE.

"TAKE IT OVER THERE. TAKE IT OVER THERE!

[laughter]

I CAN'’T GET IN THIS CAR IN FRONT OF ALL OF THESE PEOPLE."

NOW, AT 53, SEE, THAT'’S DIFFERENT.

YOU 17. AT 53, I DON'’T CARE.

THEY COULD BRING UP A SKATEBOARD.

"CATCH Y'’ALL LATER."

SEE, AT 53, YOU AIN'’T TRYING TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS.

I'’M TRYING TO GET RID OF PEOPLE.

THE OLDER YOU GET, THE LESS PEOPLE YOU NEED

IN YOUR LIFE.

YOU DON'’T NEED-- AIN'’T NOBODY GOT 100 FRIENDS.

MYSPACE AND FACEBOOK.

NOBODY GOT 100 FRIENDS.

TWO!

YOU JUST NEED TWO PEOPLE TO CHECK ON YOU

IF THEY AIN'’T SEEN YOU TO SEE IF YOU HAD A STROKE.

THEY COME TO YOUR HOUSE. THEY LOOK THROUGH THE WINDOW.

THAT'’S ALL YOU NEED IS TWO PEOPLE

TO CALL 911.

THAT'’S ALL YOU NEED.

SEE, WHEN YOU YOUNG AND SOMEBODY SHOW UP

AT YOUR HOUSE UNEXPECTED, "MAN, WHAT'’S UP?

OH, MAN, WHAT YOU DOING?"

WHEN YOU 50 YEARS OLD AND DOORBELL RINGS AT 6:00--

[imitates doorbell] "WHO THE HELL?

"IT'’S 6:30.

"WHO THE HELL COMES TO SOMEBODY'’S HOUSE AT 6:30?

[laughter]

WHAT?"

"WELL, WE WERE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD."

"WELL, DRIVE AROUND AND LOOK AT IT.

WE'’RE ABOUT TO GO TO SLEEP."

[laughter]

MAN.

DUDE, I WAS JUST 17 LAST WEEK.

IT GOES FAST, MAN.

DUDE, IT GOES FAST.

I'’M SERIOUS, MAN. ENJOY THIS.

IT GOES QUICK. DUDE, I COULD OUT-HANG YOU.

I COULD HANG!

NOW I CAN'’T SLEEP 'CAUSE I GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM,

BUT THAT'’S DIFFERENT.

I GOT TO STAY UP FOR REASONS.

FOR PERSONAL REASONS.

I DON'’T KNOW WHEN I STARTED GETTING TIRED.

EVERYBODY HERE-- ANYBODY HERE OVER 35, 40?

REMEMBER YOU SIT THERE, IT'’S, LIKE, 9:00 AT NIGHT,

AND YOU LOOK AT YOUR WIFE.

"OH, IT'’S 9:30.

WHERE DID THE DAY GO? IT'’S 9:30."

AND YOU TALK ABOUT THAT FOR HOURS.

"IT'’S 9:30.

WE BETTER GO TO BED AND GET OUT THESE CLOTHES."

SEE, WHEN YOU'’RE YOUNG, YOU JUST JUMP OUT YOUR CLOTHES.

YOU GOTTA--IT TAKES TIME.

"COULD YOU GET THAT BUTTON FOR ME?

MY HAND. MY HAND'’S LOCKED UP."

[laughter]

YOU HELP EACH OTHER UNDRESS. "GET MY SHOE.

"CAN YOU GET MY SHOE?

"IT SWOLE UP. I CAN'’T GET IT OFF.

I TOLD YOU TO GET IT OFF EARLIER."

[laughter]

YOU CAN'’T GO TO DINNER AT 7:00.

YOU CAN'’T--THAT'S CRAZY, TRYING TO GO TO DINNER AT 7:00.

"OOH, IT'’S GONNA BE 9:00 BY THE TIME WE GET BACK."

YOU ALREADY TIRED BEFORE YOU LEAVE.

"OH, GOD. IT'’S ALREADY 7:00.

BY THE TIME WE GET THERE, IT'’D BE 7:00, 7:30, 7:45."

YOU DONE WORE YOURSELF TRYING TO GET TO THE CAR.

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU DRESSED UP TO GO OUT

AND YOU MESS UP AND SIT DOWN?

"YOU STILL WANT TO GO?

[laughter and applause]

I DONE SAT DOWN NOW. I DON'’T NEED TO GO."

YOU THE TWO BEST-DRESSED PEOPLE LOOKING AT THE CLOSER.

[laughter]

"I'’M GLAD WE DIDN'T GO." "I'’M GLAD TOO."

"I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO GO."

"I NEVER WANT TO GO."

[laughter]

[chuckles]

MAN.

[cheers and applause]

OH.

[chuckles]

OH, MAN.

YOU'’RE 17. YOU GOT A GIRLFRIEND?

YOU AIN'’T READY. YOU AIN'’T READY.

YOU 17, YOU AIN'’T READY.

YOU AIN'’T READY TO HAVE A WOMAN.

YOU AIN'’T NOWHERE NEAR READY TO HAVE A WOMAN.

YOU AIN'’T READY.

YOU AIN'’T READY FOR ANOTHER 20, 30 YEARS.

YOU IN TRAINING RIGHT NOW.

YOU DON'’T KNOW NOTHING. YOU 17.

YOU DON'’T KNOW JACK.

I KNOW YOU THINK--YOU LOOK AT YOUR PARENTS.

"I'’M 17, MOM! I'’M 17!"

AND WE LAUGH AT YOU... '’CAUSE YOU CAN'T DO NOTHING.

THINK ABOUT IT. 17.

YOU BEEN DRIVING FOR A YEAR.

YOU STILL HIT STUFF.

[laughter]

YOU KNOW, YOU MAKE DUMB DECISIONS.

"WE WERE RACING. WE WERE RACING ON THE CURVE."

"WHY WERE YOU DOING IT?" "I DON'’T KNOW."

[laughter]

AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY WE THINK YOU CRAZY?

'’CAUSE YOU GOT TOO MUCH TESTOSTERONE.

THAT'’S WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU.

YOU LIKE EVERYTHING. THAT'’S WHY YOU CAN'T DATE YET.

AT 17, YOU'’RE LIKE, "OH, LOOK AT THAT!

"OOH! LOOK AT THAT! OH, LOOK AT THAT!

OOH." [growls]

17, YOU LIKE EVERYTHING.

"YOUR GRANDMAMMA CUTE. YOUR GRANDMA LOOK GOOD."

AT 17, IF A GRANDMA GOT SOME LEGS,

YOU GETTING THAT NUMBER.

[laughter]

I DON'’T KNOW, MAN.

IT'’S JUST THAT-- I MEAN--

LOOK, I THINK WE MAKE LIFE HARDER THAN WHAT IT IS.

I THINK WE LIFE OUR HARD. WE MAKE OUR JOBS HARD.

WE MAKE LIFE HARD. IT DON'’T HAVE TO BE HARD.

IT DON'’T HAVE TO BE THIS HARD.

IT DON'’T HAVE TO BE HARD. IT DOESN'’T.

AT YOUR JOB, YOU AIN'’T GOT TO LOSE YOUR TEMPER.

THEY AIN'’T GON' FIRE YOU.

THERE'’S NOBODY TRAINED.

THERE'’S NOBODY THAT CAN DO YOUR JOB.

THE CUSTOMER IS NOT ALWAYS RIGHT.

SOMETIMES HE'’S STUPID. YOU GOT TO SHUT HIM DOWN.

SHUT HIM DOWN.

I HATE DUMB CUSTOMERS.

"EXCUSE ME, CAN YOU HELP ME?"

"NO.

"IT'’S A QUARTER TO 5:00.

I'’VE BEEN DONE FOR 20 MINUTES."

[chuckles]

I HATE--I HATED WORKING RETAIL.

I HATE--I GOT FIRED FROM EVERY JOB I HAD.

THIS THE ONLY JOB I EVER KEPT.

I'’M NOT GOOD WITH PEOPLE.

I'’M NOT GOOD 9:00 TO 5:00.

IT'’S NOT--I CAN'T-- THERE'’S SO MUCH PRESSURE

TO BE THERE ALL DAY AND PEOPLE KEEP COMING UP TO YOU.

"CAN YOU HELP ME?" "NO, I CAN'’T HELP YOU."

"DO YOU HAVE THIS IN BLUE?"

"WELL, LET ME LOOK. NO."

"WELL, DO YOU HAVE IT IN THE BACK?"

"WELL, IF I GO IN THE BACK, I'’M ON BREAK...

AND YOU'’LL NEVER KNOW ANYWAY."

[laughter]

WHO'’S GOT A JOB THAT GOT TO DEAL WITH FOLKS?

WHO GOT TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE?

GOT A JOB GOT TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE?

GO TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE? WHAT YOU DO?

YOU'’RE A FIREFIGHTER? OH, GOD.

Y'’ALL HAD--YOU KNOW WHAT?

Y'’ALL HAD SOME FIRES Y'’ALL FOUGHT.

Y'’ALL--GOD BLESS Y'ALL. GOD BLESS Y'’ALL.

I DON'’T KNOW HOW. I DON'’T KNOW HOW.

I DON'’T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT. [cheers and applause]

I DO NOT KNOW.

I WAS GON'’ PLAY A FIREMAN IN A MOVIE,

SO THEY LET ME RIDE ON THE TRUCK WITH '’EM.

I WAS BURNING UP A BLOCK AWAY.

Y'’ALL WERE--MY EYEBROWS CAME OFF.

I WAS A BLOCK AWAY.

I SAID, "Y'’ALL GOT TO LET ME GET OFF THIS TRUCK."

Y'’ALL LIKE THIS, "WE AIN'’T CLOSE YET.

WE'’RE NOT INTO THE HEAT."

I WAS MELTING. MY SKIN WAS MELTING.

[laughter]

I DON'’T KNOW HOW Y'’ALL DO IT.

SEE, I'’M NOT THAT DEDICATED. I KNOW ME.

I'’M NOT A HERO, I'’M NOT BUILT THAT WAY.

IF YOUR CAT'’S IN THE HOUSE-- MY CAT'’S INSIDE.

WELL, NOT LONG.

[laughing]

OH, THERE HE GOES NOW.

I AIN'’T GOING IN TO GET THE CAT.

HE SHOULD'’VE GOT OUT.

THE DOG MADE IT.

AND PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT THE ANIMAL WAS A HERO.

A DOG SAVED THE FAMILY.

THAT DOG TRIED TO GET OUT AND THE DOOR WAS SHUT.

THAT'’S WHEN IT WENT BACK AND GOT THE FAMILY.

THAT DOG WENT TO THE DOOR-- OH, SHOOT--

[barking]

THANK YOU. JUST OPEN THE DOOR!

[laughing]

SPARKY SAVED US, SPARKY SAVED US.

IF YOU LEFT THAT DOOR OPEN,

Y'’ALL WOULDN'T HAVE WOKE UP ON THIS ONE.

I'’D HAVE JUST MOVED NEXT DOOR WITH THE NEIGHBORS,

I LIKED THEM.

MAN... [chuckles]

[audience member yells] HUH?

WHAT'’D YOU SAY, MAN?

- LOVE YOU! - THANK YOU, MAN.

THANK YOU, BROTHER.

LOVE YOU ALL TOO, MAN.

[cheers and applause]

OH...AH.

I'’M NOT ONE OF THOSE ADVENTURE-SEEKERS,

I AIN'’T NO THRILL-SEEKER--SEE THAT'’S WHAT HAPPENS, SEE--

BLACK PEOPLE START MAKING MONEY

AND WE WANNA DO STUFF WE DIDN'’T NEVER DO.

WANNA CLIMB MOUNTAINS-- IT'’S RIGHT THERE,

YOU AIN'’T GONNA CLIMB IT, YOU GOT A HOUSE.

WHY YOU GOTTA GO OUTSIDE AND CLIMB A ROCK?

IT AIN'’T MAKE NO SENSE. '’CAUSE IT'S THERE.

SEE, WHEN BLACK PEOPLE DIE FALLING OFF MOUNTAINS,

BLACK PEOPLE GO LIKE THIS, "WHAT THE HELL WAS HE DOING?

HE WAS ON A MOUNTAIN?"

"WHAT WAS UP THERE?

"NOTHING, HE CLIMBED UP THERE-- HAD A ROPE AND CLIMBED UP THERE.

"FOR WHAT?

YOU KNOW HE BIPOLAR."

[laughing]

WE GO TO FUNERALS JUST TO LOOK AT YOU.

"LOOK AT HIM, HE WAS SO STUPID.

ON A MOUNTAIN? HE WAS ON A MOUNTAIN?"

I HAD THESE DUDES CONVINCE ME

TO BUNGEE JUMP OFF A HOT AIR BALLOON.

I'’M IN A HOT AIR BALLOON, AND THE MOMENT HE JUMPED OVER,

WHOO...

WHOO!

THEN I JUST THOUGHT, "I'’M IN A HOT AIR BALLOON

"FORGET THE BUNGEE JUMPING.

WHY AM I IN A HOT AIR BALLOON?"

ALL THEY HAVE IS SOME FIRE.

[blowing noises]

I HAVE A CIGARETTE LIGHTER,

"WE AIN'’T GONNA LET THIS GO DOWN."

"SINBAD, YOU JUMP."

"NO, YOU AREN'’T GONNA TAKE ME DOWN."

YOU NOT SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING.

MY DAUGHTER CONVINCED US TO JUMP OUT

AN AIRPLANE FOR HER BIRTHDAY.

MY DAUGHTER SAID, "I WANNA JUMP OUT AN AIRPLANE."

AND I HAD JUST READ ABOUT A GIRL

WHO JUMPED OUT THE AIRPLANE THE WEEK BEFORE.

AND HER PARACHUTE DIDN'’T OPEN... AND SHE LIVED.

SEE, THAT'’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'’T LEARN NOTHING.

SHE LIVED. SHE HIT THE GROUND.

YOU REMEMBER, YOU READ ABOUT THAT?

SHE HIT THE GROUND, PH, AND SHE GOT UP.

"OH, GOD."

[laughing]

AND WENT BACK AGAIN THE NEXT DAY.

THAT WAS GOD SAYING, "WHY THE HELL I LET YOU LIVE?

[laughing]

I KEPT THE CHUTE CLOSED SO YOU WOULDN'’T DO THIS NO MORE."

AND I'’M TRYING TO BE COOL, LIKE I WASN'’T SCARED.

[chuckling quietly]

YOUR FACE IS LIKE...

AND IT'’S A TANDEM JUMP, SO THIS DUDE IS RIGHT ON THE BACK OF ME,

I'’M LIKE...

[laughing]

AND I'’M LIKE, THIS IS WHAT'’S KIND OF FREAKY ALREADY.

STUPID STUFF.

WHERE MY SKYDIVER? WE GOT SKYDIVERS HERE?

[people yell out] SKYDIVE?

Y'’ALL SKYDIVE? WHY?

TELL ME WHY YOU SKYDIVE.

- WHY NOT? - WHY NOT...

WELL, WHY DON'’T YOU JUST BURN YOURSELF?

SEE WHAT THAT FEEL LIKE?

THERE'’S A FIREMAN, SHE'LL TAKE YOU ON THE NEXT RIDE.

RUN THROUGH THE HOUSE, SEE IF YOU CAN GET OUT.

[laughing]

SEE, IF YOU SAY WHY NOT, THAT APPLIES TO EVERYTHING.

WHAT IF I JUMP OFF A MOUNTAIN WITH JUST A TOWEL?

AND SEE IF I MAKE IT.

WHY NOT?

PHH. THAT'’S WHY NOT.

'’CAUSE YOUR TOWEL DIDN'’T WORK.

[laughing]

MAN, YOU KNOW WHAT I WANNA DO? I WANNA DO SOMETHING FOR Y'’ALL.

I WANNA DO SOMETHING FOR Y'’ALL TONIGHT, '’CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE GOT YOUNG PEOPLE HERE, YOU KNOW, I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.

I FEEL SORRY THAT Y'’ALL NOT GONNA

HAVE NO MUSIC WHEN Y'’ALL 50.

SO I WANNA DO SOMETHING-- I KNOW--I KNOW--

SEE, I'’M 53, I STILL GO TO THE PLAYBOY JAZZ FESTIVAL.

WE STILL GOT GROUPS. I MEAN, THEY GETTING OLD.

[applause] BUT THEY STILL SING.

I MEAN, THEY CAN'’T MOVE LIKE THEY USED TO, THEY BE LIKE...

BUT I LOOK AT YOUNG PEOPLE--Y'’ALL WHO ARE 17...

WHO'’RE YOU GONNA LOOK AT WHEN YOU'’RE 50?

WHO WILL YOU GO SEE?

BRITNEY SPEARS?

THE JONAS BROTHERS-- I HATE--I HATE--

[laughing]

THAT AIN'’T RIGHT.

THEY'’RE GOD'S CHILDREN.

I HATE THEM SO MUCH. I HATE THEM.

THEY MOVED STEVIE WONDER'’S MICROPHONE DURING THE GRAMMIES.

DID Y'’ALL WATCH THAT? [audience yells yeses]

THE JONAS--STEVIE WAS TRYING TO SING, THEY TOOK THE MIC,

"SING STEVIE", STEVIE SAID...

[laughing]

"WHO TOOK MY MIC?"

THEY WAS RUNNING AROUND STEVIE, RUNNING AROUND.

"STEVIE, SHOW '’EM WHAT YOU GOT."

HE GOT GRAMMIES, FOOL, THAT'’S WHAT STEVIE GOT.

WHAT YOU GOT?

GOD.

SO I DON'’T KNOW--KNOW WHO Y'’ALL--Y'ALL GONNA SEE

WHEN Y'’ALL 50. - KANYE!

- KANYE, MAN--KAN-- NO, MAN, NO, I'’D BE DONE.

- [indistinct] - HUH?

- [indistinct] - WHO?

- METALLICA. - METALLICA?

YEAH, THEY MIGHT. YEAH, THEY STILL MIGHT,

'’CAUSE THEY WON'T DIE, THEY JUST...

METALLICA--SEE, METALLICA'’S ABOUT 40 NOW, AREN'’T THEY?

- YEAH. - SEE, THEY STILL ABOUT 40.

NO, I'’M TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE THAT'’S 20.

- BEYONCE. - WHO?

- BEYONCE. - BEYONCE, UH-UH.

BEYONCE, SHE GONNA MAKE TOO MUCH MONEY.

SHE'’S NOT GONNA BE SINGING AT 50.

NO.

SEE, MY THING IS, I DON'’T KNOW WHO YOU'’RE GONNA WATCH.

YOU'’RE GONNA HAVE ONE. WHO?

JAY-Z? YEAH...

[laughing]

AIN'’T NO 75-YEAR-OLD RAPPERS DOING CONCERT--

WHEN'’S THE LAST...

[laughing]

WHEN'’S THE LAST TIME YOU SEEN "HOW YOU ALL DOIN'’ TONIGHT?

"HUH?

"EVERYBODY GONNA GET LOW? Y'’ALL READY TO GET LOW LOW?

EVERYBODY GET LOW LOW."

YOU ALREADY GONNA BE LOW, YOU AIN'’T GOTTA GET LOW.

[laughing]

DROP IT LIKE IT'’S HOT. IT FELL ON IT'’S OWN.

IT FELL OFF.

[laughing]

IT FELL DOWN, WHAT IT DID.

SO I WANNA DO--WHAT I WANNA DO FOR Y'’ALL TONIGHT

IS SOMETHING SPECIAL '’CAUSE SOME OF Y'ALL

NEVER SEEN AN INSTRUMENT.

I KNOW SOME OF Y'’ALL FREAKING OUT, "WHAT IS THAT?

IS THAT AN 808? IS THAT AN 808?"

NO, IT'’S A DRUM.

SO I WANNA DO--I'’VE BEEN BLESSED--THIS--THIS--

THIS GROUP HERE-- THEY'’S SOME OF THE BADDEST

MUSICIANS AND SINGERS--AND I WANT Y'’ALL TO GET A CHANCE

ONCE IN YOUR LIFETIME

SO YOU SAY, "I SAW MUSIC ONCE WHEN I WAS 17.

"IT WAS INCREDIBLE.

NOT AMERICAN IDOL-LIKE, BUT REAL-LIKE."

AND I'’M GONNA PUT MYSELF ON THE LINE...

I'’VE ONLY BEEN PLAYING GUITAR FOR FOUR MONTHS.

I FIGURE SINCE CAN'’T NOBODY SING

AND THEY TRYING OUT FOR AMERICAN IDOL,I'’M GONNA SING.

I CAN'’T SING AND THEY CAN'’T SING, SO WE EQUAL.

[laughing]

CAN'’T NOBODY PLAY, I CAN'’T PLAY.

SO I'’M GONNA PLAY.

I EQUAL EVERYBODY NOW-- HUH?

- [indistinct]

- DO IT FOR BEN HARPER. DO IT FOR BEN HARPER.

SO I WANNA DO SOMETHING SPECIAL,

I WANNA BRING SOME MUSIC OUT FOR YOU, CAN SEE REAL MUSIC

SO I CAN BRING OUT--GONNA PUT ON ONE OF THE BADDEST BANDS

LED BY GREG PHILLINGANES. GREG!

BRING THIS BAND OUT HERE.

[cheers and applause]

WE GONNA--WE GONNA TRY TO DO SOMETHING--

SOMETHING TO HELP Y'’ALL.

JUST TO HELP Y'’ALL.

WE GOTTA HAVE A HAT. WE GOT A HAT?

LET ME HAVE A HAT.

'’CAUSE IF YOU SING, YOU GOTTA HAVE A HAT.

- HAT'’S RIGHT HERE, FOOL.

THAT'’S RIGHT!

- THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I LIKE YOU TO THANK--I LIKE YOU TO--

SEE, YOU TALK DIFFERENT,

[funny voice] I WANNA THANK MY MAN HERE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. HOW Y'’ALL DOING?

SEE, I MEAN, AS LONG AS YOU CAN PLAY SOMETHING,

YOU WOULD NEVER BE HOMELESS--

SOME WOMAN WOULD FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.

"HE'’S SO GOOD, HE'’S SO TALENTED, MOMMA,

HE'’S TALENTED."

YOU CAN SUCK, BUT AS LONG AS YOU GOT A GUITAR.

SEE?

[jazzy music starts]

THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU, NOKIA THEATRE. HOW Y'’ALL DOING?

[cheers and applause]

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

♪

CAN I HAVE A LITTLE BIT MORE ON MY MIC?

TESTING ONE, TESTING ONE, TESTING ONE.

TESTING ONE, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

♪

'’COULD SOMEBODY BRING ME MY GUITAR, PLEASE?

SOMEBODY, PLEASE?

YEAH, WE'’VE BEEN ON THE ROAD NOW FOR ABOUT...

WE'’VE BEEN TRAVELING NOW WITH THIS OUR 13TH YEAR TOGETHER.

13TH YEAR TOGETHER.

AND, UH--THANK YOU SO MUCH.

- YOU GO, SINBAD!

♪ [cheers]

-APOLOGIZE FOR THE PAUSE.

THIS IS MY MAN, EZEKIEL JAMES WILSON,

A LIGHT-SKINNED BROTHER.

♪

THOSE PEDALS DIDN'’T DO NOTHING.

I JUST WANTED TO STEP ON THEM.

[laughter]

I SHOULDA PRACTICED STANDING UP.

- YEAH.

- I'’VE BEEN PRACTICING FOR THREE WEEKS SITTING DOWN.

I STOOD UP, I SAID, "I CAN'’T SEE THE STRINGS."

- IT'’S A DIFFERENT THING WHEN YOU'’RE STANDING UP.

- I KNOW WHY THEY'’D BE ROCKING OUT LIKE THIS.

[laughter]

[ Let'’s Get It Onbegins]

- ♪ I'’VE BEEN REALLY TRYING BABY ♪

♪ TRYING TO HOLD BACK THIS FEELING FOR SO LONG ♪

♪ AND IF YOU FEEL LIKE I FEEL BABY ♪

♪ COME ON

♪ OH, COME ON

♪ LET'’S GET IT ON ♪

♪ OHH, BABE

♪ LET'’S GET IT ON ♪

♪ OOH

♪ EEH-EEH

♪ PLEASE GET IT ON

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

[cheers and applause]

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THAT'’S OFF OUR LATEST ALBUM.

THAT'’S OFF OUR LATEST ALBUM CALLED

WE AIN'’T PLAYIN' '’CAUSE WE LOVE IT.

WE AIN'’T PLAYIN' '’CAUSE WE LOVE IT.

LOVE IT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MY BROTHER.

I'’M FROM ZIMBABWE.

FIRST TIME IN YOUR COUNTRY.

I'’M LOVING IT. I'’M LOVING ALL YOU PEOPLE.

AND I THINK--I THINK-- YOU KNOW, I THINK THEY'’RE READY

FOR SOME--I THINK THEY CAN DO SOME FUNK,

SOME OLD-SCHOOL FUNK.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? I THINK THEY NEED--

I THINK Y'’ALL HAVE EARNED SOME OLD-SCHOOL FUNK.

NOW, IF WE GONNA DO THIS,

Y'’ALL GONNA GET WITH US? [cheers and applause]

Y'’ALL GONNA GET WITH US?

YOU THINK THEY'’RE READY FOR IT, JIMMY?

Y'’ALL READY? DO IT.

[funk music]

♪

Y'’ALL HAVE TO JOIN IN, Y'ALL.

EVERYBODY SAY, "HO!"

all: HO!

- SAY, "HO!"

all: HO! - SAY, "HO! HO!"

all: HO! HO!

- HO! HO! HO!

all: HO! HO! HO!

- HEY, YEAH.

LET'’S DO IT, MAN.

WE GONNA DO SOME OHIO PLAYERS STUFF.

HERE WE GO.

♪

♪ TALKIN'’ 'BOUT THE OLD SCHOOL ♪

♪ I'’M THE TEACHER ♪

♪ EVERY NOW AND THEN

♪ THEY CALL ME THE PREACHER

♪

♪ OLD SCHOOL

♪ THAT'’S MY MUSIC ♪

♪ I DON'’T GIVE A DAMN ♪

♪ IF YOU DON'’T WANT TO USE IT ♪

♪

- ♪ PLAYER

- YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK--I THINK---

I THINK WE BETTER SLOW DOWN.

I FEEL A BREEZE UP IN HERE.

I THINK THEY READY FOR KOOL & THE GANG.

I THINK Y'’ALL READY.

Y'’ALL READY FOR SOME KOOL & THE GANG?

ALL RIGHT, WE'’RE ABOUT TO GET FUNKY

WITH THIS KOOL & THE GANG, Y'’ALL.

THEY READY FOR KOOL & THE GANG. SING KOOL & THE GANG.

- ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

[ Hollywood Swingingbegins]

♪

- HEY, HEY, HEY.

♪

- ♪ WHAT YOU GOT TO SAY

♪ SAY HEY, HEY, HEY

♪ WHAT YOU GOT TO SAY

- YEAH.

- ♪ HOLLYWOOD

♪ HOLLYWOOD SWINGING

♪

♪ HOLLYWOOD

♪ HOLLYWOOD SWINGING

♪

♪ I REMEMBER

♪ NOT TOO LONG AGO

♪ I WENT TO A THEATER

♪ AND I SAW THE KOOL & THE GANG SHOW ♪

♪

♪ I ALWAYS WANTED

- WHAT YOU WANT? - WHAT I WANT?

♪ TO FIT INTO A BAND

♪ TO SING MY SONGS

♪ BECOME A BAD PIANO-PLAYING MAN ♪

♪ SO HERE I AM

♪ IN THIS NOKIA THEATRE, YEAH ♪

♪ THE CITY OF THE STARS

♪ MOVIES, WOMEN, AND CARS

♪ WELL I GUESS I, I GUESS I ♪

♪ STAR

♪ I SAY HEY, HEY, HEY

♪ WHAT YOU GOT TO SAY

♪ I SAID HEY, HEY, HEY

♪ WHAT YOU GOT TO SAY

♪

♪ HOLLYWOOD

♪ HOLLYWOOD SWINGING

♪ HOLLYWOOD

♪ HOLLYWOOD SWINGING

♪

WHOO!

♪

YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH. OH, Y'’ALL--SEE, Y'ALL--

OH, Y'’ALL READY TO BE ALL FUNKY UP IN HERE.

THEY'’RE READY. YOU THINK THEY'’RE READY?

WHAT'’S THAT-- WHAT'’S THAT WORD?

[ Word Up!begins]

♪

- ONE, TWO.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

♪

- Y'’ALL KNOW THIS. Y'’ALL KNOW THIS?

BECAUSE I DON'’T UNDERSTAND A WORD LARRY BLACKMON WAS SAYING.

SO YOU'’RE GONNA HAVE TO HELP ME SING THIS.

I DON'’T KNOW WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT.

♪

WE STARTING. JUMP IN IF YOU KNOW THE WORDS.

♪

♪ DOWN PRETTY LADIES AROUND THE WORLD ♪

♪ THEY GOT A WEIRD THING TO SHOW YOU ♪

♪ TELL ALL THE BOYS AND GIRLS

♪ TELL YOUR BROTHERS, YOUR SISTERS ♪

♪ AND YOUR MAMA TOO

♪ '’CAUSE WE'RE ABOUT TO THROW DOWN ♪

♪ AND YOU KNOW JUST WHAT TO DO ♪

♪ WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR ♪

♪ LIKE YOU DON'’T CARE ♪

♪ GLIDE BY THE PEOPLE

♪ AS THEY START TO LOOK AND STARE ♪

♪ DO YOUR DANCE, DO YOUR DANCE ♪

♪ DO YOUR DANCE QUICK MAMA

♪ EVERYBODY TELL ME WHAT'’S THE WORD ♪

♪ WORD UP

♪ IT'’S THE CODE WORD ♪

♪ NO MATTER WHERE YOU SAY IT

♪ YOU KNOW THAT YOU'’LL BE HEARD ♪

♪ WORD UP

♪

♪ WHEN YOU KNOW YOU HEAR IT

♪ GOT TO GET IT UNDERWAY

♪ ALL YOU SUCKER DJs

♪ WHO THINK YOU'’RE FLY ♪

♪ THERE'’S GOT TO BE A REASON ♪

♪ I KNOW THE REASON WHY

♪ SO YOU PUT ON YOUR AIRS AND ACT REAL COOL ♪

♪ BUT YOU '’BOUT TO REALIZE ♪

♪ THAT YOU'’RE ACTING LIKE FOOLS ♪

♪ IF THERE'’S MUSIC WE CAN USE IT ♪

♪ '’CAUSE WE NEED TO DANCE ♪

♪ WE DON'’T HAVE NO NEED FOR PSYCHOLOGICAL ROMANCE ♪

♪ NO ROMANCE, NO ROMANCE

♪ NO ROMANCE FOR ME MAMA

♪ COME ON BABY TELL ME WHAT'’S THE WORD ♪

♪ WORD UP

♪ OH, YEAH

♪ IT'’S THE CODE WORD ♪

♪ NO MATTER

- ♪ WORD UP OH YEAH

♪ WORD UP YEAH

♪ SAY EVERYBODY SAY SINBAD

SINBAD!

♪

EVERYBODY SAY SINBAD.

THAT'’S THE WORD.

SAY SINBAD.

all: SINBAD!

- EVERYBODY SAY SINBAD.

all: SINBAD!

- ♪ OH, SAY W-O-R-D UP

♪ SAY W-O-R-D UP

- WHAT YOU SAY?

- ♪ W-O-R-D UP

- YOU SAY.

- ♪ W-O-R-D UP

BREAK IT DOWN.

IS THIS MAN FUNNY OR WHAT?

[cheers and applause]

- NO, NO, SEE,

I'’M SINGING NOW, I AIN'’T FUNNY.

- OH, YOU A SERIOUS MUSICIAN NOW?

- SINGING NOW. I AIN'’T FUNNY.

I'’M WEARING MY HAT.

- YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU, MAN.

- LOVE YOU TOO, DAWNN.

YO, DAWNN LEWIS, MAN, FROM A DIFFERENT WORLD.

[cheers and applause]

HANGING OUT HERE, DOING HER THING.

♪ W-O-R-D UP

- THANK YOU!

- ♪ W-O-R-D UP

♪ W-O-R-D UP

- SINBAD!

- ♪ W-O-R-D UP

♪ W-O-R-D UP

♪ W-O-R-D UP

♪ W-O-R-D UP

♪ W-O-R-D UP