All language subtitles for 1939 Idiots Delight

Private Van,
you'll ride with the driver.

Okay, pal.

You can't cross Fifth Avenue
until the parade is finished.

- How long will that be?
- Don't ask me, buddy.

Goodbye, babe.

We'll miss you terribly.

Yeah, don't kid the troops.

Goodbye, honey.

Remember? You promised
to write.

Sure, sure. Every day.

Hey, goodbye, beautiful.

Goodbye, Harry.
What's the new address?

Care of NVA, National Vaudeville
Artists. They'll know where I am.

Goodbye. Hey, you've been
swell to me.

Oh, you've been wonderful
to us, Harry.

Yeah, yeah, sure. Goodbye!

Don't forget, Harry.

One of these days we're gonna
see his name up in electric lights,

biggest star on Broadway.

You ought to realize, Harry,
this is the wrong season

to be looking for openings
in outdoor stuff.

Every carnival attraction
is set.

You should've come back sooner.

Yeah, I know. I shouldn't have
let the war last so long.

- But you ain't licked.
- No, I ain't licked.

No, all your friends,
and you got a million of 'em,

they all have the utmost
respect for you, Harry.

Sure, sure. Plenty of respect,
but no job.

Oh, now don't be
like that, Harry.

You'll get a job.

You, with your talent
and fine war record.

All we gotta do is slap a
little ad in the Billboard, and...

before you know it--

So you went into a speakeasy and told
the man you wanted a cocktail, did you?

- And I suppose you drank the cocktail.
- Huh?

I merely asked,
did you drink the cocktail?

Oh, come now. You can't expect me to
believe that you went into a speakeasy

and told the man you wanted a
cocktail, and then didn't drink it?

I couldn't.

- Why not? Were you paralyzed?
- No!

I didn't drink it
because...

- Because why?
- Because the Manhattan any.

♪ Place park ♪

♪ Cast two ♪

♪ Act one ♪

♪ My cue ♪

♪ By the light
By the light, by the light ♪

♪ Of the silvery moon ♪

♪ The silvery moon ♪

♪ I want to spoon ♪

♪ Want to spoon
Want to spoon ♪

♪ To my honey
I'll croon love's tune ♪

♪ Honeymoon
Honeymoon, honeymoon ♪

♪ Keep a-shining in June ♪

♪ Keep shining bright ♪

♪ Your silvery beams
Will bring love's dreams ♪

♪ We'll be cuddling soon ♪

♪ We'll cuddle soon ♪

♪ By the silvery moon! ♪

And there you are, friends.

Now, the miracle remedy.

Old Doctor Maltee's
Marvelous Elixir.

Discovered in the desert of Arizona by
Warhoo, chief of the Kickapoo Indians.

Right, Chief?

Unfortunately, Chief Warhoo
doesn't speak a word of English

or he'd tell you all about it.

But words don't mean
a thing, friends.

You'll have to try the medicine
to find out the marvelous results.

Cheese it, Harry, the cops.

Well, what do you want?

Madam, I bring you
the golden gilt of knowledge,

the new University Encyclopedia.
It tells you the facts of life.

I don't want any facts. I got
too many of them already.

As I pass among you, I shall
ask you to produce some objects,

either from your pockets
or wearing apparel.

These will be identified
instantly by Madame Zuleika.

Excuse me. Excuse me,
ladies and gentlemen.

Please note that I have no radio
broadcasting sets concealed.

This is entirely mental.

All I ask of you
is that you concentrate.

Just anyone, any object.

Oh, Thank you.
Thank you, Madame.

Speak. Hurry up! What is it?

Concentrate!

Say something.
Hurry up! What am I holding?

Concentrate!

It's, uh...

medicine.

What kind? Concentrate!

Headache powders.

Very good, Zuleika!
Thank you, Madame.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
I just want to say,

the charges have been made that
all these articles which I obtained,

and which are identified instantly by
the telepathic genius of Madame Zuleika,

have been handed to me
by confederates of mine

previously planted
in the audience.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I want once and for all to disprove
these ridiculous charges before you,

the good citizens
of this fair city of Omaha.

We have the good fortune
to have with us tonight,

sitting right up here,

the honorable Thomas MacCreevy, and
his very charming wife, Mrs. MacCreevy.

I shall ask them
to furnish me with an object.

I'm sure that you all know that
the honorable Thomas MacCreevy

and his very lovely wife
are no confederates of mine.

We don't know
no such thing!

I shall treat that remark with
the contempt it so richly deserves.

Now, Mr. MacCreevy,
if you will be so kind.

Or perhaps, Mrs. MacCreevy
will oblige.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you very kindly.

Now, we can get it.

Concentrate.

Uh, concentrate! Concentrate!

Do you see that water
she's drinking?

It's gin.

Now you can't keep
Mrs. MacCreevy waiting.

Concentrate!

There's...

a disturbance here.

Telepathic waves are all...

all confused.

- She's drunk!
- Sure.

We... We must dispel
this confusion.

The waves must get through.

Uh, everybody concentrate!

Now, can't you concentrate?

"Now, can't you concentrate?"
"Now, can't you concentrate?"

Concentrate.

It's a vanity case!

- It's what?
- A vanity case!

It's a vanity case.

- Tell 'em to bring down that curtain.
- Yes, sir.

Your kind attention
for just one moment!

Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.

Now, one and all, please
remember that the greatest scientists

sometimes slip up
with their experiments.

So, with your kind indulgence, we
will continue with our performance

and attempt to demonstrate--

So, the whole audience could
hear? The whole dumb audience?

- Quiet!
- Some dame. Where is she?

I'll break her neck!
Was it you?

- Me?
- Yes, you! You cheap little acrobat!

You were standing in the wings
when we went on!

Why, I was talking
to this gentleman, wasn't I?

- Sure.
- I wasn't even watching your
stupid act, was I?

- No.
- I'll find out who it was!

And when I do, I'll beat
the living tar out of her!

Shut up! Shut up, Madame!

What I wanna know
is who rung that curtain down?

- Yes!
- I did! What about it?

Nothing. I just wanted to know.

Well, now you do know. Come
on, next act! Flash the orchestra!

- Ready, Fellara?
- Just a minute.

They're deliberately
trying to ruin...

Excuse me, Mr. Van.

The whole
cheesy bunch is out to get us!

Clear the stage!

- Come on, Madame, let's get out of
here.
- - You ready, Fellara?

- Take it away.
- All right, all right!

Who do you suppose hollered
at Zuleika from the wings?

I don't know. Probably
the ghost of PT Barnum

trying to help out a pal.

What's gonna happen to you
now, Harry?

Well, she'll have
a fine hangover tomorrow.

Then, she'll take the pledge and
swear
she'll never take another drink,
so help her.

And then, next week in Little Rock,
she'll feel another cold coming on,

and it'll be the same thing
all over again.

Then, one day, you'll look
at Billboard and see

"Harry Van At Liberty" again.

Yeah, that's show business.

Oh, yes, yes. The gay,
carefree world of entertainment.

Come on, old lady.

- Good night, Harry.
- Good night, Jim. Good night, Moppo.

Be a good girl.

Well, what can I do for you?

If it's an autograph, I'm sorry, I
never learned to read or write.

No, I'm not collecting
autographs, Mr. Van.

I have something
rather important to tell you.

What is it, babe?

Do you mind if I sit down?

Well, as a matter of fact,
I do. But anyway, have a seat.

And if you see a bottle of champagne
standing around, open her up.

Now, what's on your mind?

I want to confess.

You'll find the church
right around the corner.

I was the one
that prompted Madame Zuleika.

- You?
- Yes, I couldn't help it, Mr.--

Say,
who are you, anyway?

I'm one of the Fellara troupe.

- Yes, I know you're an acrobat,
but what-- - Oh, you noticed me.

Well, we've been on the
same bill a week, haven't we?

Yes, but you never seem to pay
any attention to anyone.

Say, why did you holler out
like that tonight and ruin the act?

Anybody can see that
she was in an alcoholic fog,

so thick that your signals
couldn't get through it.

I knew what you were trying
to say.

Well, how did you know that?

I've been watching
your act, Mr. Van.

I couldn't help picking up
some of the code.

I mean, your tone of voice
when you say "Concentrate."

There are subtle changes
that mean different things.

Where did you learn words
like "subtle"?

Oh, I haven't always been
an acrobat, Mr. Van.

I attended the University
in Vienna.

I've worked with Freud, Jung,
all the great teachers.

From the University in Vienna
to the Eldorado in Omaha.

- Some jump.
- Yes.

That's been my whole life.

Today, the mountain tops.
Tomorrow, the Dead Sea.

Yeah, I guess
you're right, sister.

But you haven't yet explained why
you tried to feed Madame Zuleika.

I had to, Mr. Van, because...

Because I have
a great admiration for you.

Oh! You like
my electrical personality, huh?

No, nothing as obvious as that.

I think you have
a very remarkable brain.

So, you've noticed that,
too, hmm?

I also have
a very remarkable brain.

Yeah, and a very remarkable way
of talking for a girl

who makes her living
swinging by her teeth.

Well, I was born for
excitement, adventure, danger.

I've had all of them.

I'll have a lot more before
I come to a violent death.

So, you even got that arranged.

Well...

So, what are your plans
for supper?

Oh, Mr. Van!

Are you inviting me?

Well, don't look at me like that. I'm
only offering to buy you a cup of coffee

because I appreciate your kind
motives in busting up our act tonight.

Oh, that's very sweet of you,
Mr. Van.

I'll get dressed right away.

I'll be proud to be seen
in a restaurant with you.

Wait till you see
the restaurant.

Here it is.

Daka's Place-Eats.

Oh, what beautiful simplicity
in those words.

- They tell the whole story.
- Yeah.

Evening, Daka.

How you are, Mr. Van?

How you are, lady?

Special tonight,
corned beef hash.

Corned beef hash
is always special.

Give me a cup of coffee
and some doughnuts.

- What'll you have, babe?
- Oyster stew.

Are the oysters strictly fresh?

Oh, sure. We fly 'em in every
day from Baltimore in airplane.

- Oyster stew.
- Oyster stew!

And I'll have corned beef hash
with two poached eggs,

whole-wheat toast buttered,
and grade A milk.

- Okay.
- Aren't you gonna have some dessert?

Oh, yes. I'll order that later.

I guess you have to eat a lot to keep
your
teeth in training for that iron jaw
act, huh?

Yes!

In old Russia, we used to serve
an entire roast ox before lunch

just as an hors d'oeuvre.

You've certainly lived
on a big scale, babe.

My name isn't Babe.

It's Irene.

Don't worry about that.
I call everybody "babe."

Perhaps that's why
I don't like it.

I'm not everybody.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

I should have realized
you're pretty exclusive.

I am.

But I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings, Mr. Van.

That's all right.
I'm not seriously injured.

You see, I was really born
to live in a palace.

So, it isn't always easy for me to
adjust myself to Daka's Place-Eats.

Well, here's your food.

Perhaps that'll help
the adjustment.

85 cents.

She hasn't finished
ordering yet.

Careful how you handle
those knees.

- Ouch!
- Yeah. Yeah, you gotta do it like this.

That's a technique you learn after
you get the Ritz out of your mind.

Oh, I haven't got
a table napkin.

I'll get it.

Ain't one napkin enough?

Not for a repast like this.

Thank you very much, Mr. Van.

Hey, listen, Irene,
you can discard the Mr. Van.

- My name's Harry.
- But I don't like Harry.

What's the matter with it?

It sounds cheap.
Isn't your name Henry?

No. And it isn't Harold either.

Very well, Harry.

Whatever I call you,
I think you're sweet.

Eat your stew.

Where did you get
your education, Harry?

What makes you think
I got one?

Oh, I know you have.
You're like me.

You're a student of life.

Well, I worked my way through
college selling encyclopedias.

I knew you had culture.
What college was it?

Oh, no college in particular.

But, you know, my line of selling
talk was so good, I fell for it myself.

I bought the whole
dull bunch of encyclopedias

and read 'em
from cover to cover.

Here, try the hash.

Oh, there isn't any ketchup.

No. So there isn't.

Excuse me, babe.

You're so very kind.

Yeah, I think you're right.

You know what makes
my blood boil?

I mean, it makes me so furious
to think that you're only a...

- What is the word for it?
- Word for what?

A stooge. That's it.

A stooge
for that drunken old hag.

Hey, choose your words
more carefully, babe.

I tell you, my name is Irene.

Well, whatever it is, no
cracks out of you about Zuleika.

She's a very wonderful,
wonderful woman. A genius!

And besides that,
I'm not a stooge.

I'm the one who does
the real brain work in the act.

You know, Harry,
I can learn that code easily.

- You think so?
- I know I could.

Oh, I don't know. It's a very deep,
complicated scientific problem.

Oh, we'd be perfect together,
you and me.

I can see the electric sign shining
over Piccadilly Circus in London.

It reads "Irene."

Irene the Great!

Assisted by Harry Van.

Hmm, you got
nice billing there.

Oh, you'd love London.

I was there as a little girl after
I escaped from the Soviets.

Oh, that was
a terrible experience.

I must tell you about it,
Mr. Van.

Yes. All right, all right. But
you've got four shows tomorrow,

and seeing as how you're still an
acrobat, you better get some sleep.

Listen.

Do you know that song?

It's Kak Stranno.

It's Russian.

Oh, it's so lovely.

It takes me back so far to the
Winter Palace in Petersburg.

♪ Kak Stranno ♪

That means "How strange."

It tells such a sad, beautiful
story about two people who meet

and fall in love
for one exquisite moment.

And then, they part.

Like ships
that pass in the night.

♪ Kak Stranno ♪

How strange.

When will you teach me
the code, Harry?

Oh, we'll get together soon.
Run over the fundamentals.

- Hi, Frank.
- Good evening, Mr. Van.

- Good evening, Ms. Irene.
- Hello.

Hello, Harry.

Hi, Ed. Hi, Bert.

Well, good night, babe.

Oh...

- Do we have to say good night?
- Yes, we do.

I'm going to join the boys
for a little political discussion.

All right, Harry.

- Good night.
- Good night.

And thanks for giving me
such a good time.

Oh, thank you, Irene.

I always enjoy
seeing a woman eating.

Don't forget now,
brush your teeth carefully.

Tuck yourself in.

And have sweet dreams
of old Russia.

How'd the show go tonight?

Oh, just as usual. A sensation.

You can always wow 'em, Harry.

Yes, we got a very warm
reception tonight.

In fact, I'm still burning.

Go for a little drink? Bert
here's got some pre-War rye.

Yeah. Pre-the-next-war.

But it's all right, though.
I know the guy who made it.

No. No, thanks, Bert.
I'm going to bed.

- I gotta think about my art.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

We know all about your art.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Thank you very much, sir.

It will be
returned immediately.

Now, what is it?
What am I holding, Madame?

- A key.
- What kind of a key?

A key to a room.

- A man's room.
- Very good, Madame.

What else
can you tell me about it?

Come. Come, Madame.
Concentrate.

There are numbers on it.

- Magic, mystic numbers.
- Yes, yes.

I read in the Book of
Fate, two-seven-four.

Very good, Madame! Very good.

Thank you very much, sir.

Say, who gave you permission to
wrap my best sock around your head?

When it comes to that,
how did you get in here at all?

All the keys in this hotel
fit all of the doors.

Oh, so you've been
experimenting, huh?

Well, what do you want now?

- Please teach me the code, Harry.
- No!

I tell you, I could learn it.

I know I could!
I know part of it already.

When you were talking about
Mr. MacCreevy's wife in the audience,

and you said, "Now,"

that means the number is one.

"Can't" means two.

So that when you said,
"Now, can't you concentrate,"

that was one-two, which is 12,
and 12 is a vanity case.

And "Concentrate"--

Say, where did you find out
all these things?

Well, I...

I just figured out
by psychology.

Say, you're lying through those
pretty teeth. You've been snooping!

- Well, I--
- Where'd you get that code?

I suppose
I might as well tell you.

Well, you'd better.

Oh, so you stole it, huh?

Say, don't you realize the
American Society of Magicians

could put thieves like you
in jail?

Why, Harry, I only went into the
dressing room to see Mr. Barzek,

and I made friends
with little Moppo,

and the code was lying there,
so I just...

Well, I just borrowed it.

Oh, please forgive me, Harry.

Can't you understand that I...

I just want to improve myself.

I want to be someone.

And if I could only work with
you, be your partner, then I--

Sure. You'd have your name
up in lights in London.

"Assisted by Harry Van."

You're a funny kid at that.

I gotta admit it.

And maybe you're right.

Maybe you do deserve something
better than just being an acrobat.

But unfortunately, I haven't the
time to teach you the whole code.

However, I'll tell you
what I'll do.

What, Harry?

I'll read you something
out of the encyclopedia.

"This is the article
about the subject of truth.

"Truth is the ideal
of perfection

for which all artists, scientists,
and philosophers have striven.

The poet Keats wrote,

'Beauty is truth.
Truth, beauty.

That's all you know on Earth,
and all you need to know.'

However, various philosophers, notably
the early Greeks, have argued that..."

Watch yourself, miss.

Say, how much
is this piece of junk?

75 cents.

75? Six bits?

That's right.

Say, if that thing's worth
more than a nickel, you're crazy.

I'm sorry, brother,
I didn't write the prices.

I'm only here to repeat 'em.

Okay, pal. I'll take
the phoney thing.

Which proves I'm crazy, too.

You're right again.

Don't mention it.

Now, babe, it seems as though
we have to say goodbye.

You're going
north of Sioux Falls,

and I'm heading south
on the Interstate Time.

The trains pull out
in a few minutes.

Do you think we'll ever
see each other again, Harry?

Maybe we will,
and maybe we won't.

You can't predict anything
in show business.

Or in any other kind of a life,
I suppose.

No, I guess not.

But I'll be thinking
about you, babe.

Oh, I'm sure you will.

Yeah, as a matter of fact,

I'd like to know that you're
thinking about me a little bit, too.

Well, I guess it's a mistake
in show business to...

to remember anything except
the part you have to play.

Yup.

Well, even so,

I got you something.

What is it?

I don't know what it is. You
hang neckties on it, I guess.

It's a souvenir.
See, it says so.

"Souvenir of Omaha."

- Did you buy it for me, Harry?
- Yeah, certainly I did.

And what's more,
it cost 75 cents.

You know, that's the most expensive
present I ever bought for any dame.

What made you want
to buy a present for me, Harry?

Oh, I don't know.

It's against my principles.

But you know, Irene,

I've met a lot of dames
in my time,

and most of 'em are so dumb you
have to talk to 'em in sign language.

You're the only one I ever met
that I couldn't answer.

Perhaps that's because
I'm the only one

who recognizes you
for the great man that you are.

Hmm, great man, huh?
Great bust!

Tried everything
and failed at everything.

But you don't see it
that way, babe, because

the world you live in isn't
the world of facts and figures.

It's the world of dreams.

Maybe that's what
I like about you, Irene.

You're so beautifully phoney.

And maybe you're wrong,
my darling.

Maybe we two cheap people
with our cheap lives...

Maybe we're the only ones in
this crazy world who are real.

12:34 train

for Sioux City!

Sioux Falls!

Well, we gotta be pulling out
now, babe.

We gotta be pulling out now,

I know, but not together.

No, not together.
You go your way and I go mine.

But I got a hunch we'll see
each other again, sometime.

Yes, yes.

- Goodbye, Harry.
- Goodbye, Irene.

And thanks for the souvenir.

All aboard!
All aboard!

Hello, Harry, dear.

Hello, Madame.

What?

Goodbye!

Goodbye, Irene!

What are they
talking about, Harry?

How should I know?

But you're always saying
you know the language.

The last time I said that
was when we were in Romania.

That was six countries ago!

When are we gonna get to
a decent place to sleep?

When we get to Geneva.

Excuse me, Countess.

Well, what's the trouble now?

Another frontier, I guess.

You know, that's my analysis
of what's the trouble with Europe.

Too many frontiers.
They keep waking you up.

Skip it.

What did he say? Harry?

I'll ask him.
So what's the good word, pal?

I guess we're supposed to
get out here.

Come on,
grab your baggage, girls.

Is this Geneva?

Does it look
like Geneva?

I don't know.

Oh, Harry I'm so cold.

All right, all right!

I'm freezing to death!

- I am so glad to know you, Mr. and Mrs.
Cherry.
- How do you do?

It was awfully kind of you
to come down and meet us.

It was a pleasure,
I assure you.

And I think I can promise that
your stay at the Monta Loda Hotel

will be a thoroughly
enjoyable one.

Civilized people, at last!
Come on, girls, follow me.

The hotel porter
is attending to your luggage.

- If you'll just step into
the bus-- - Hey, listen, pal.

- Yes?
- You're an American, aren't you?

- I am. Don Navadel's the name.
- Harry Van's mine.

- Well, Mr. Van, I sure am glad to know
you.
- Glad to see you.

- Anything I can do for you?
- Yeah,
we'd like to know what's the idea?

The idea? Of what?

Kicking us off the train,
pushing us around.

Say, are you all here, girls?

Wait a minute. One, two, three,
four, five...

six. Yes, Harry,
we're all here.

We're entertainers. Night clubs. We're
trying to get to Geneva, Switzerland.

Well, there's rather serious
trouble just now here at this frontier.

Say, perhaps you
and the young ladies

would like to come up
to our hotel for a little while

until this situation
has been cleared up?

Yeah, Harry,
let's go to the hotel!

- Come on.
- We'd like to sleep in a bed
for a change!

Oh, no, no, no. We're not stopping
at any hotel. We gotta get to Geneva!

Hey, look, Harry!

Look what they're doing
to our trunks!

Excuse me. Wait here, girls.

Hey! Hey! Could you please be a
little more careful with those trunks?

They contain the wardrobe
of my act!

Yeah, I'll take vanilla.

Hey, listen, buddy,
will you please tell me

what I'm supposed to do
with these trunks?

- Excuse me, my friend.
- Another white man in this jungle?

How do you do?
My name's Harry Van.

My name is Quillery.

I got six girls with me.
I'm in terrible trouble.

The whole world is in
terrible trouble, Mr. Van.

Yeah. Well, what are we all
gonna do about it?

Who can tell? But I just talked
with one of the officials here.

He can speak a little French.

And he said
that there are orders

that no one is permitted
across the frontiers.

But I must get back
to my country.

I must get back to Italy!

I'm a German.
They have no right to deny me!

I shall make a protest
to our embassy!

Say, there's an American here. I
think
he's connected with the local hotel.

Let's go see him.
Maybe he can tell us something.

Oh, Harry, Mr. Navadel's been
telling us all about the hotel.

They have winter sports here!

- Yeah, they have that skiing business.
- Skiing.

Never mind
the winter sports!

But can't we go
up there, Harry?

We're sick of the slats
in those smelly day coaches.

Shut up! These three gentlemen
and I wanna know

where can find
the head man around here.

Now, there must be somebody who can
tell
us when we do get across that border.

The commander of the
frontier Post is Captain Kirvline.

- He's stopping at the hotel.
- Oh, let's go up and see him, Harry.

- Yeah, Harry. Let's go up and get a
drink.
- All right.

- What about the bagging?
- Our porter will attend to that.

Hey, portisto!

Here we are, folks.

Dumptsy, Otto, Chris, quick!

Take the luggage.

Say, this place is the berries.

Oh, we can have
a swell time here.

After the way we've been
betrayed in the Balkans,

we can't afford to have
a swell time any place.

This is our cocktail lounge.

Rather a magnificent view,
isn't it?

Mmm, it's sweet.

What's that big bare patch
down there?

It's an airport. We have a
great deal of flying around here.

- Oh, that's swell! I love aviators!
- You do?

You know, this place looks
to me like it's laying an egg.

- Laying a what?
- I mean, you aren't
doing much business.

I don't see
many customers around.

- This is between seasons.
- Oh. You run this hotel?

I'm the social manager.

Hmm, a professional
greeter, huh?

So, how'd you happen
to get here?

I've been a specialist
in resort hotel business

all the way from Santa Barbara
to Saint Moritz.

Perhaps the gentlemen and
ladies would care to register now?

No, I'm not registering until
I find out what's going on.

Come on, Harry,
let's settle down.

We can go to Geneva
some other time.

Relax, girls.
I'll attend to the bookings.

And you do not want rooms?

No, pal, I just came up
for the view.

Evidently, Mr. Van,
you're not fully aware

of the present
international situation.

Well, I'm aware that the international
situation is always regrettable.

- What's wrong now?
- - Haven't you been reading the papers?

In Bulgaria
and Yugoslavia? No.

- We're on the verge of a war.
- What? Another one?

- When's that scheduled to begin?
- - Any minute now.

And that's why they've closed
every frontier in Europe.

Mr. Van, I advise you
to be careful how you talk.

Why? I'm an American citizen,
I can say what I please.

Oh, there's
Captain Kirvline now.

I tell you, I must go across
that frontier. I cannot delay!

I'm only obeying
my orders, Dr. Waldersee.

I can't permit anyone
to cross until--

But I must go into neutral territory
to continue my experiments!

I'm a scientist, a servant of
the whole stupid human race.

I'm working on a cure
for cancer,

the disease of civilization.

If I delay,
my experiments are ruined!

Dr. Waldersee, I am deeply
sorry, but I have no choice.

Hey, pal!

Captain Kirvline.

- Yes, Don?
- This is a fellow
countryman of mine, Mr. Harry Van.

Will you please tell him that the train
for Switzerland will not leave tonight?

Yes, Mr. Van,
that's the unhappy fact.

Oh, but listen, Captain, I've got
my passports. All seven of 'em! Look.

Oh, you're traveling
with a large family.

Well, it isn't exactly
a family.

There they are in there.
They're blondes.

Lovely girls
they are, too, Captain.

And very intelligent.

- In fact, the mothers of tomorrow.
- Hmm?

Oh, uh, well...

That's the first good thing that's
happened around here in years.

Hey, girls, come here.
I want you to meet the head man.

Captain Kirvline,
this is Ms. Shirley Laughlin,

owner of the rottenest voice
on two continents.

- Charming.
- Hiya, Captain.

And Ms. Beulah Tremoyne.

Mmm, how do you do?

Beulah's our bubble dancer,
and quite a dreamer.

Exquisite.

And next, Ms. Francine Merle,
a daughter of the old South.

- Very alluring, eh, Captain?
- Magnificent.

- Thank you ever so much. I--
- Uh, turn it off, honey.

And next, Ms. Edna Creesh.

She's as good as gold,
and twice as tough.

Hiya, toots.

And next, Ms. Elaine Messiger.

I've heard she's a debutante,
but she won't talk.

And next, Ms. Bebe Gould, a
very, very lovely little number.

- Oh, Harry.
- Yeah. Bebe's our hula artist.

Come on, kid.
Shake it for the captain.

Hold it, hold it.
Not at these prices.

That's very beautiful...

Well, Mr. Van,
I congratulate you.

Oh, it's purely a business
with me, Captain.

You see, we're an act. Harry
Van and Les Blondes, it's called.

- Oh, he's cute.
- Hmm, I'll say.

Now, we've got some very attractive
bookings at a night spot in Geneva.

But we've got to be there by
Thursday, or else we lose the time.

Mr. Van,
under the circumstances,

it's a pleasure for me to tell
you that I cannot let you pass.

But perhaps, in the meantime, you
would
permit me to buy the young ladies
a drink.

Well, all right,
but only one apiece.

Oh, thanks, Captain!
We'd love it.

Do you have any more
soldiers around here, Captain?

Thousands of 'em.

Well, I guess
I might as well register.

I'll need three double rooms,
two girls to a room.

And a single for me, adjoining.

I promised their mothers
I'd always be within earshot.

What's that?

What is it?

Hey, hey! What's all the
excitement? Is it a fire?

That's the warning
from the airfield down there.

They're testing the combat
planes in case of war.

They look pretty tough,
don't they?

Yes. They have
the wings of death.

Maniacs. Obscene maniacs.

All right, all right.

Finish your drinks
and come on upstairs.

I'm gonna give you all a bath.

Now, listen to me, you dames. You may
as
well know right now, the act is
bankrupt.

I got barely enough
to get us to Geneva.

So, don't run up any bills
around this dump.

Say, Harry,
there's a hairdresser here.

- Can't I get a finger wave?
- No!

Can we go skiing?

And risk breaking
those pretty legs?

- Mmm, but it's healthy.
- Yeah, but you're not sick.

Those gams of yours
are my bread and butter.

Now, remember, we get breakfast
free here with our room rent,

so eat plenty of that,
but lay off on the other meals.

I'm going down to see
if there's any more news.

And get off my bed!

Harry, see if
there's a movie in town.

Harry, don't queer
it for me with the captain.

Look, Mr. Van, they're
bringing out the big planes.

They're full of bombs
to drop on people.

They can fly from here to Rome,
Berlin, or Paris,

even all the way to London.

I like the looks
of the mountains better.

You belong here
in this country?

Well, yes, sir.

That is to say,
I didn't used to.

That's my country over there.

You see, after the last war,
they decided those mountains

must be taken away
from my country.

And I went with them.

In one day,
I became a foreigner.

Even my old father, he's dead.

But all the writing
on the gravestones,

they rubbed it out
and translated it.

So, now, he's a foreigner, too.

Excuse me, Mr. Van. That
fine car coming up the road

must be rich people.

I'll be needed at the door.
Excuse me, please.

Good afternoon.

We have your reservation.

Oh, thank you. Pardon me.

You're to be with us
for a long stay, Madame?

Oh, no. I'm afraid
Mr. Weber must go on at once.

But I should love to stay here
in these mountains.

They are so quiet,
so cold and impersonal.

We have a marvelous view
from here.

This is our cocktail lounge.

Oh, how very nice.

Vienne, Achille! You must come
and see this charming room!

In a moment, my dear.

And from our terrace, on a clear
day, you can see for 50 miles.

It really is a view
of unparalleled beauty.

Oh, magnificent!

All covered
with the beautiful white snow.

I think the whole world should
always be covered with snow.

It would be so much
more clean, wouldn't it?

Like in my Russia.

White Russia.

You should see the snow
from the terrace, Madame.

Oh, and how exciting!

A flying field.

Look, all those big bombers.

There are so many of them.

Isn't it miraculous?

Madame is interested
in aviation?

Oh, no. Just ordinary flying
bores me.

But there is no experience
in life quite so thrilling

as a parachute jump, is there?

I never had that thrill,
I'm ashamed to say.

Once, I had to jump when I was
flying over the jungle in Indochina.

It was indescribable.

Drifting down,

sinking into that great green sea
of enchantment and hidden danger.

And you weren't afraid?

No, no. In moments like that,
one is given the sense of eternity.

Yes, sir?

Oh...

Get me a Scotch,
and put ice in it.

If you haven't got any ice...

Go out and scoop up some
of that beautiful white snow.

Uh, yes, sir.

But your place
is really charming.

I must tell everyone in Paris
about it.

We are rather proud of it.

There is something
about this design.

It suggests, uh,

an amusing
kind of horror.

It is like somebody's tomb,
isn't it?

- What's that?
- Oh, it's merely some kind of warning.

- They're testing it.
- Warning? Warning against what?

I believe it's for use
in case of war.

War? But there will be no war.

Achille!

Yes, Irene?

Achille, there will be
no war, will there?

No, there will be no war.

They're all
much too well prepared.

Ah, there, you see?
They will not fight.

Mr. Weber says so,
and he knows.

You wish to see
your suite now, Mr. Weber?

- Yes, if you please.
- This way, please.

Achille,
I'm mad about this place.

We must be sure to tell
everyone about this place, Achille.

We must make it fashionable,
at once.

Say, who is that?

That's Achille Weber, one
of the biggest men in Europe.

I used to see him often
at Saint Moritz.

No, no, no, no. Who's the dame?

Well, I assume she's his wife.

Oh, you only assume it, huh?

Are you implying
that she's not?

No, I'm not implying anything.

I'm just being
kind of bewildered.

Evidently.

"White Russia."

"Parachute jumper."

- Put it down there.
- Very good, sir.

Thanks, pal.

Hold on. Mineral water.

Jawohl, Herr Doktor.

It's an old museum piece,
period of Louis XV.

You gotta hoard your gum
over here.

What is that you're playing?

It's an old Russian song
entitled Kak Stranno,

meaning "How strange."

One of those morose ballads about how
once we met for one immortal moment,

like ships
that pass in the night.

Or maybe like a couple of
trucks sideswiping each other.

And now, I got a hunch
we meet again.

How strange.

I'm afraid
I was rude to you before.

Oh, that's all right, pal.

I've been rude to lots of
people and never regretted it.

There's no reason why you
should worry about a punk like me.

You've got important work to do
for the benefit of humanity.

You, too, work for humanity,
Mr. Van.

- Me?
- Yes, you're a musician.

Yeah,
that's a nice name for it.

You know, I used to play piano
in picture theatres,

but that was the only sound
they had,

except for peanuts.

Uh, listen to this.

The Waters of the Minnetonka.

Suitable for scenics,
Niagara Falls by moonlight.

Or if you play it like this...

Goes fine with a scene where the young
Indian chief turns out to be a Yale man.

You know, I've turned
my hand to about everything,

including your line
of business.

- My business?
- Yeah!

Dr. Multee's Elixir,
the miracle remedy!

A remedy for what, may I ask?

Oh, it was a cure
for almost everything.

All my life,
I've been selling phoney goods

to people of meager
intelligence and great faith.

Hey, Harry, have those
officers come up here yet?

Not yet.

Don't be discouraged!

Sit down! I'm feeling
in a generous mood.

- I'm gonna buy you all a drink.
- What?

I hardly think you need bother
about jewelry in this place.

Only my bracelets, Achille.

Because you like them.

Oh, but, my dear,

there's certainly nobody else in
this
dismal hotel who can appreciate
your charms.

We'll have dinner in there.

Did you get
your telephone call?

Yes, I spoke to Felvero.

He was very apologetic
over this delay.

But everything is arranged
for us to proceed tomorrow.

Oh.

I think I shall go downstairs
and have a glass of vodka.

But why, my dear?
We can have it sent up here.

No, Achille. I would prefer
to have it down there.

With all those dreadful people
gaping at you?

I don't mind. I love people.

I shall come right back.

I'll go with you.
It may be amusing.

Good afternoon, Madame.
Good afternoon, Mr. Weber.

Good afternoon,
Mr. Navadel.

It is a lovely view!

It is like a landscape
on the moon.

Dumptsy!

Get a load of that.

Isn't she gorgeous?

I bet she's a duchess.

Well, anyway a princess.

Hey, Harry,
what are you looking at?

She looks to me like a phoney.

Hiya, Cap!

Good afternoon, ladies.

Where's all
your boyfriends, Cap?

Oh, excuse me a moment, please.

Mr. Weber. Madame.

Captain Kirvline, commandant
of the frontier station.

- How do you do?
- Captain?

I've just received instructions
that you're here, Mr. Weber.

I am to be of assistance to you
in every possible way.

Thank you very much.
Won't you join us?

Thank you, sir.

- What would you like?
- Brandy and soda, please.

Irene?

- Vodka, if you please.
- Vermouth for me.

If you please, sir.

Where are they going, Achille?

Probably moving to another
airbase farther from the frontier.

Isn't that so, Captain?

Hmm? Uh, yes, I imagine so.

Say, are they gonna
keep that up forever?

You're gonna have to get us
some earmuffs, Harry.

Hello, Mr. Quillery. Sit down
and have one. I'm buying.

Eat, drink and be merry,
for tomorrow, we starve...

Except for breakfast.

I just heard some very
ugly rumors down in the town.

They say that war
has already been declared.

Rumors. Rumors. Everything's
rumors! When are we going to know?

Soon enough, heaven help us.

But we'll stop this war.

We'll save the human race from
plunging into mass murder, mass suicide.

Say, what's your line
of business, Mr. Quillery?

I'm a preacher, Mr. Van.

You don't say so.
A preacher, huh?

But not in the church.

I used to be a worker in an
industry that made poison gas.

Gave me ideas.

Since then, I've gone about the
world preaching the message of peace.

The brotherhood of man.

Well, I think you've got a great idea
there, pal.
Stick to it.

Attention!

Did you hear
what they were saying?

Yeah, I heard,
but I couldn't understand.

About the war!

I believe they're saying
it's already been declared.

I must go on demand that they
let me across the border at once.

That's right, pal.

You're gonna save the world.
You've got no time to lose.

Say, Harry,
what's it all about?

I'll tell you later.

- Hey, Don.
- Yes?

Step up the music, will you? Some
of us young people wanna dance.

Sure. Come on, boys. Give
us a tune with a lot of oomph.

Come on, babe.

Nothing from Berlin
except Wagner.

Try Paris. Perhaps we can get
some news from there.

There, that's one
Paris station.

Silent.

I'll try another.

Silent.

Try ten-sixteen,
Captain Kirvline.

- That's also Paris.
- Thank you.

Probably code messages from
the Ministry of War to the army.

If we could only read them.

Seems to me, everybody'd
be much happier in Europe

if they only knew
how to make decent coffee.

There, that's a station
in Prague.

Do you understand
any of that, Achille?

No, not a word.

Neither do I.

Then I suggest you try London.

And now,
to conclude our news program,

we shall give you the results of the
day's more important football matches.

Sheffield United two,
Birmingham one.

England
is England, still.

I'll try and get through. Will
the wires be open, Captain?

Yes, I'll try to arrange it,
Mr. Weber.

Irene.

- I'll be up presently, Achille.
- Madame.

You look unhappy,
Mr. and Mrs. Cherry.

I'm afraid so, but it's
difficult to be cheerful

under these circumstances,
isn't it?

Oh, you must forget
the circumstances.

Come here and drink some vodka
with me.

We'd love to.

I've never tasted vodka before.

Oh! Then it is high time!

And your friend.

I do not know his name.

Oh, Mr. Van.

May I present
Madame... Madame...

How do you do?

Glad to make
your acquaintance, Madame.

You will join us
in a glass of vodka?

Thank you.

- Three glasses. Auguste!
- Yes, Madame.

Please sit down, Mr. Van.

I know why
you're depressed, Mrs. Cherry.

It is the altitude.

After the first exhilaration,

there comes
a depressive reaction.

Especially for you,

who are accustomed to the heavy,
Pigwiggian atmosphere of England.

Pigwiggian?

Yes, Pigwig.

Oliver Twist.

You know, your Dickens.

You know England, Madame?

Of course, I know England.

My governess was a sweet
old ogre from your North country.

And when I was a little girl,

I used to visit often
at Sandringham.

Sandringham?

Yes.

Oh, but that was
before your time.

It was in the reign of dear gay
King Edward

and the beautiful Alexandra.

I used to have such fun
playing with my cousin David.

He used to try
to teach me to play cricket.

And when I couldn't swing
the bat properly, he said,

"Oh, you Russians
will never be civilized!"

And when I went home
to Petersburg,

I told to my uncle
what David had said,

and he was so amused.

But now, we must drink
our vodka.

With your permission.

I drink to his most gracious
majesty, the King.

And the president
of your United States.

- Thanks. I'm sure he'll appreciate
that.
- Now...

No, no!

You must drink it
right down. Like this.

So, there, you see?

The second glass
will go more easily.

I hope so.

You are not married
for a long time?

We were married
the day before yesterday.

No! Oh, how thrilling!

Let me offer
my congratulations.

Thank you very much.

We were married in Florence. You
see, I've been studying painting there,

and we both love Italy.

How wonderful.

Florence is the most
perfect place to be married in.

Don't you think so, Mr. Van?

Well, I guess any place
is perfect for that purpose.

Oh, no! Not your America.

Too dull. Too much business.

Not enough romance.

You've, uh, been in America?

Oh, yes. I have seen it all.

New York, Washington,
Palm Beach.

No, no! I, uh,

said America.

Have you ever been in the West?

Certainly, I have.

I flew across your continent!

Did you ever make any parachute
landings in any places like, uh...

Kansas or Iowa?

Or Nebraska?

No.

On that flight,

I had no parachute.

You like the vodka now?

Oh, it feels marvelous,
in here.

Ah-ha!

I used to laugh so at your funny
British Tommies in Arkhangelsk.

They all hated vodka,

until one of them
thought of mixing it with beer.

- How awful!
- Oh, it was!

But I shall be forever grateful
to them, those Tommies.

They saved my life when I
escaped from the Soviets.

For days and nights,
I don't know how many,

I was driving through the snow,

snow, snow, snow, snow,

in a little sleigh, with the dead
body of my father beside me.

I was in agony from the
bayonet wounds of the Bolsheviki.

And the wolves were running
along like an escort of dragoons.

You must have been
dreadfully afraid.

Oh, no. I was not afraid
for myself.

It was the thought
of my father.

Oh, please.

I know you don't want to
talk about it anymore.

Oh, no, it is so far away now.

But I shall never forget the moment
when I came through the haze of delirium

and saw the faces
of those Tommies.

Those simple, friendly faces.

And the snow, and the wolves,
and the terrible cold,

they were all gone!

And I was looking
at Kew Gardens.

It was a Sunday afternoon,
and a sea of gold and daffodils

fluttering and dancing
in the breeze.

In the face of real danger,

one forgets to be afraid.

Don't you think so, Mr. Van?

I don't know.

I was scared stiff once.

It was when I was working
with a mind-reading act.

Really?

You mean,
you read people's minds?

Sure.

I could see right through 'em.

Oh, how embarrassing!

I was playing a week in Omaha.

Have you ever been
in Omaha, Madame?

Omaha?

Omaha?

Where is that? Persia?

- It's in Nebraska. That's one of our
states.
- Oh.

If you please, Madame, Mr. Weber
would like to see you, if convenient.

Thank you, Dumptsy.

You must tell me later about
that mind-reading, Mr. Van.

Whenever you're free.

And do finish the vodka.
All of it!

- Oh, thank you very much, Madame.
- It will help you both so much.

She's an amazing woman,
isn't she?

"Amazing" is a feeble word
for it.

Well, did you get 'em
to call off the war?

I only learned that, when the
borders are open, we will be notified.

Is there any news?

Not in this patriotic journal.

Unconfirmed reports from Vienna,
London, Rome, Berlin, Moscow, Tokyo.

And a lot of confirmed lies
from the local censored press.

If you want to know
what is really happening,

you must ask the great
Mr. Achille Weber upstairs there.

He can give you all the war
news, because he made it.

You don't know who the great
Mr. Achille Weber is, do you?

Well, I'll tell you.

He's been organizing
the arms industry.

Munitions for murder.

In every part of the world, the good
desires of men for peace and decency

is undermined
by the dynamite of jingoism.

So it takes only a spark,
set off anywhere,

to send it up into
one fatal explosion.

Then, love becomes hatred,

courage becomes terror,

and hope becomes despair.

And that's very nice
for Mr. Achille Weber,

because he is master of the
one real League of Nations,

- the League of the Merchants of Death!
- Nonsense.

- Who speaks?
- I speak!

The eminent Dr. Hugo Waldersee.

And if you love your country so much,
why aren't you there now with your rats?

I am not concerned
with politics. I'm a scientist.

- Mineral water.
- That's right,
Herr Doctor. You are a scientist.

And a servant of the people.

And yet, you know that if
you were in your own country,

you would have to abandon
your cure for cancer.

It might benefit
too many people.

Your duty would be not to cure,
but to kill.

You, a fighter
against disease and death

would be a Judas goat
in a slaughterhouse.

I say, Quillery, do we have to
have so much talk about blood

- just before dinner?
- Just before dinner?

That's all you worry about!

What do you care that
civilization is falling to pieces

as long as you have your dinner
and your dinner jacket?

I'm sorry, Quillery, I think we'd
better conclude this discussion

- out on the terrace!
- - Jimmy, don't be a fool!

- You'll gain nothing by thrashing him.
- I'm at your disposal.

- You can't conduct yourself as a
gentleman.
- Now, listen, folks.

There's no reason
for any heat under the cutter.

We're all buddies here.

Mr. Van is right.

There's no reason for any heat.

My apologies, Mr. Cherry.

Oh, that's all right, old man.

- Come and have a drink.
- No, thank you.

My apologies
to you, too, Herr Doctor.

I ask for no apologizing.

If I let my speech
run away with me,

it's because I have hatred
for certain things.

You should hate them, too.

They are the things that
make us blind, and ignorant,

and dirty.

How would it be
if I and the girls

put on part of our act
here tonight?

For the purpose
of the wholesome merriment,

and relieving
the general tension.

What kind of an act is it?

Don't say "What kind of an act
is it" in that tone of voice!

It's good enough
for this place.

We'll omit the bubble dance,

but I can have Bebe
do her hula number

if there's a special request
for it.

Do you expect to get paid
for this?

Certainly not. I'm offering this
out of the goodness of my heart.

Of course, if you care to make
any
appropriate adjustments on the hotel
bill...

All right, Mr. Van, if you
think you can entertain us.

- I'll get the girls ready.
- What time
do you want the show to go on?

After we eat.

Yes. Yes!

They what?

Just as I thought,

those bombers have gone off
on an air raid.

The one mad-dog act of violence
all Europe has been fearing.

Then, the next war
has started, Achille?

With a vengeance.

But I thought you said
they will not fight.

No one could predict what they
would do in their desperation!

We must get out of here quickly.
I must send some telegrams.

It'll soon be found out that some of
the bombers came from this air base.

Tomorrow night, they'll
come over here for revenge.

That will be exciting to see!

- What, an air raid?
- Yes!

With bombs
bursting in the snow,

sending up
great geysers of diamonds.

Great geysers of us, perhaps.

Oh, no, my dear,
we leave at once for Biarritz.

It's healthier there.

I can imagine how thrilling it
must be in Paris at this moment.

Just like 1914.

All the lovely soldiers
singing, marching, marching!

Oh, I am so happy
for you, Achille!

What, my dear?

I said, I am so happy for you.

Happy? Why?

All this wonderful death
and destruction everywhere,

and you promoted it.

You have
a superb imagination, my dear.

It's the quality in you
that fascinates me most.

It is what has made you such
a brilliant and admirable liar,

and so very helpful to me.
Am I right?

Of course,
you're right, Achille.

Had I been bound by any
stuffy respect for the truth,

I should never have escaped
from the Soviets.

I'm sure of it.

Did I ever tell you
of my escape from the Soviets?

You've told me about it
at least 11 times,

and every time
it was different.

Well, I made several escapes.

I am always making
escapes, Achille.

When I'm worrying about you
and your career,

I have to run away from
the terror of my own thoughts.

So, I amuse myself by studying
the faces of the people I see.

Just ordinary, casual,
dull people.

That little English couple,
for instance.

I was watching them during dinner,
sitting
there, close together, holding
hands.

And I saw him in his nice,
smart British uniform,

shooting a little pistol
at a huge tank.

And the tank rolls over him.

And his fine, strong body that was
so full of the capacity for ecstasy

is a mass of mashed flesh
and bones,

a smear of purple blood,
like a stepped on snail.

But before the moment of death,

he consoles himself
by thinking,

"Thank God she is safe.

She is bearing the child
I gave her.

And he will live
to see a better world."

But I know where she is.

She is under a house that
has been wrecked by an air raid.

She is as dead as he is.

But he died in action
against the enemy gloriously.

But she died in a cellar,

not so very gloriously.

There will be many who will die that
way in this war, won't there, Achille?

You don't say anything.

Probably, you are bored.

But I like to think about
these things, Achille.

And it makes me so proud to
think that I am so close to you,

who makes all this possible.

That's all very interesting,
my dear.

But before you waste too much
sympathy on these little people,

like your English friends,

just ask yourself this,

"Why shouldn't they die?"

And who are
the greater criminals,

those who sell the instruments of death,
or those who buy them and use them?

It is they who make war
seem noble and heroic.

And what does it all amount to?

Mistrust of the motives
of everyone else.

A dog in the manger defense
of all they've got.

Greed for the other
fellow's possessions!

I assure you, Irene,

for such little people, the deadliest
weapons are the most merciful.

Quiet! Quiet!

Ladies and gentlemen,
quiet, please!

Thank you so much.

The management
of the Hotel Monta Loda

has the privilege and the pleasure
of
presenting for your entertainment
tonight

a troupe of outstanding
American artists

who have lately
been touring Europe,

scoring notable triumphs in Monte
Carlo and other centers of gaiety.

I know that you will join with
us in giving a really rousing,

rip-roaring reception
to Harry Van and Les Blondes!

Mr. Van.

Hello, people. And thanks, Don, for
that
very, very lovely introduction you
gave us.

All I can say is,
thanks a million,

and I won't settle
for a cent less.

Now, in our modest act tonight, we'll
be ably assisted by Professor Palota

and his talented little team.

Give him a hand, folks!

Please remember, we haven't had much
time
for rehearsal, so I crave your
indulgence

if the rhythm
isn't all strictly kosher.

Thanks for that laugh, pal.
Thank you very much indeed.

All I ask of you is that
"Christian pearl of charity,"

to quote our great American
poet, John Greenleaf Whittier.

Give him a hand, folks!

Okey-doke, professor,
take it away!

This will be amusing, Achille.

I hope so.

♪ If you're blue And you
don't know Where to go to ♪

♪ Why don't you go
Where Harlem sits? ♪

♪ Puttin' on the Ritz ♪

♪ Spangled gowns Upon a bevy of
high browns From down the levee ♪

♪ All misfits ♪

♪ Puttin' on the Ritz ♪

♪ That's where each and every
Lulu Bell goes ♪

♪ Every Thursday evening
In her swell clothes ♪

♪ Rub-adub ♪

♪ Come with me And
we'll attend Their Jubilee ♪

♪ And see them spend
Their last two bits ♪

♪♪ Puttin' on the Ritz ♪♪

Bravo! Bravo!

What's that? Applause?

Come on!

♪ If you're blue And you
don't know Where to go to ♪

♪ Why don't you go
Where Harlem sits? ♪

♪ Puttin' on the Ritz ♪

♪ Spangled gowns Upon a bevy of
high browns From down the levee ♪

♪ All misfits ♪

♪ Puttin' on the Ritz ♪

♪ That's where each and every
Lulu Bell goes... ♪

Good evening, Captain.

I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Van, to
interrupt your entertainment like this,

but... after your charming
young ladies have finished,

I wondered, do you think
they could be persuaded

to have a drink
with my comrades?

Yes. Yes, I think they could.
Tell the boys to sit down.

After this next number,
girls, you can join the army.

Thank you very much.

Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen!

Our next number will be a stellar
presentation by Miss Bebe Gould,

entitled Shame on You.

Hit it again, maestro!

♪ Shame on you
You loveless lover ♪

♪ I rate tops
Till you discover ♪

♪ Someone making eyes ♪

♪ Then taking you
Right out of my poor arms ♪

♪ Shame on you
It isn't funny ♪

- Have you heard the news?
- No! What's happened?

There's been an air raid!
A terrible air raid!

There's entertainment
going on here.

Entertainment?

While tens of thousands of innocent
people are dead or dying? Entertainment?

Mr. Quillery, please! If you cannot
keep quiet, we must ask you to leave!

Keep it up, girls. Keep it up!

Where
did this happen?

Tonight, they dropped
50,000 kilos of terrible death.

Please, this is no
time for a news bulletin.

- Tonight, their planes flew
over-- - How do you know?

It's on
the wireless everywhere.

And I just talked
to one of the mechanics.

The planes from that very field
down there.

Sit down, will you, pal? We're
trying to
give you a little entertainment!

While you sit here
eating and drinking,

airplanes dropped 50,000 kilos
of bombs on innocent people.

Heaven knows
how many were killed.

How much of life and beauty
is forever destroyed.

And you sit here eating and drinking
with them, the murderers! They did it!

It was their planes from that
very field down there. Assassins!

Here, here! We can't have
any skull-cracking in this club.

Captain, speak to your men
before they start something.

- I'll take charge.
- I'm with you, Quillery.

- Jimmy, you keep out of this!
- I say curse you, assassins!

Now, listen, pal.

Harry, don't get yourself
mixed up in this mess.

- We stand together.
- It's all right,
Captain. I can handle this.

Now, stop shooting
off your face!

I say curse you
and curse the villains

that sent you
on this errand of death!

Mr.
Quillery, if you don't shut your
mouth, I'll be forced to arrest you.

Go on, you toy soldiers,
commit national suicide.

It's the last gesture
left to you.

It's all right, Captain.
Quillery is for peace.

He's going home
to stop the war.

Oh, you're not authorized
to speak for me!

I'm competent to say
what I feel.

And what I say is, "He
that taketh up the sword

shall die by the sword!"

And you, too,
shall die, murderers!

Mr. Quillery,
you're under arrest.

Go on, call out the firing
squad! Shoot me dead!

But don't think you can
silence the truth that's in me!

Down with you,
dirty murderers!

Shoot me! Go on, shoot me!

Excuse me, my dear.
Some important business.

I'll leave you
with your charming friends.

You better carry on
with your turn, old man.

No, no, no. the act is cold.

Hey, maestro, give us
some dance music!

Let dancing become general!

Will you dance with me?

Why, yes. I should love it.

My father was old.

The hardships of that terrible
journey had broken his body.

But his spirit was strong.

The spirit that is Russia.

He lay there
in that little boat

and he looked up at me.

Never can I forget his face.

So thin, so white,
so beautiful in the starlight.

He said to me,
"Irene, little daughter."

And then, he died.

For four days,
I was alone with his body,

sailing through the storms
of the Black Sea.

I had no food, no water.

I was in agony from the
bayonet wounds of the Bolsheviki.

I knew I must die.

But then, an American cruiser
rescued me.

May heaven bless
those good men.

Excuse me, Madame.

But it seems to me the last time
you told me about your escape,

it was different.

Well, I made several escapes.

But I have talked too much
about myself.

What about you, my friend?

Oh, I'm not very interesting.

- I'm just what I seem to be.
- Really?

Why do you waste yourself
in this degraded work?

You mean you think I'm fitted for
something that requires more mentality?

- Of course.
- How do you know so much about me?

For one thing, I saw
your performance tonight.

You thought it was rotten?

I thought it was unworthy.

Unfortunately,
it was interrupted.

I saw enough.

You are a very bad dancer.

Hmm. In Romania,
they thought I was pretty good.

Do you know that you can be
extremely rude?

Me? How?

Why do you stare at me so?

- Was I staring?
- Steadily.

Ever since I arrived here
this morning.

Why do you do it?

Well, I thought I detected a funny kind
of
resemblance to somebody I used to
know.

You should know better
than to tell any woman

that she resembles
someone else.

We none of us like to think that
our appearance is commonplace.

The one you look like
wasn't commonplace.

Oh!

She was someone
near and dear to you?

She occupies a unique shrine
in the temple of my memory.

Really? That is
a glowing review!

The temple of your memory
must be so crowded.

Are you sure you've never
been in Omaha, Madame?

Omaha.

Oh, yes!

That is where you said
you did what?

- What... what... what was it?
- Mind-reading.

Oh, of course.

No.

I'm afraid
I do not know your Omaha.

But I have seen enough of your
countrymen to know that you are typical.

I'm not typical of anything.

Oh, yes, you are.

You are an ingenious
sentimental idealist.

You believe in the goodness
of human nature, don't you?

You can call that sentimental,
Mrs. Weber, but it's true.

Forgive me,
but that is not my name.

- Oh. Well, I thought--
- I know what you thought.

Mr. Weber and I are associated
in a sort of business way.

I see. The business
is pretty good, isn't it?

But it is getting late,

and I'm keeping you
from your duties.

I haven't got any duties.

Hello, Harry. How're we doing?

Shouldn't you be worrying
about your young ladies?

I thought you were
supposed to be the chaperone.

I leave the girls
to their own resources,

of which they have plenty.

Now you are staring
at me again.

I was just thinking,

you said you were interested
in aviation.

So was the girl I knew
in Omaha.

She swung from the tail of
a tin airplane by her teeth.

What an extraordinary
way to make a living.

Excuse me.

Were you always a blonde?

Why, yes.

As far back as I can remember.

Was that other one, the one that
I remind you of, was she blonde?

She had red hair,
but I suspected even that.

Tell me, what was she like?

She said she was a graduate
of the University of Vienna.

And she was the fanciest liar
I ever knew.

She
sounds fascinating.

She was a pest.

One night, she broke up
the mind-reading act.

And then, she had the nerve
to ask me to teach her the code.

I had a terrible time
getting rid of her.

She even forced her way
into my room at the hotel!

Dear!

I hope you didn't teach her
the code.

But I really must go now.

Uh... Do you know
any Russian songs?

Oh, yes!

When I was a little girl, my
father used to engage Chaliapin

to come often to our house.

He taught me many songs.

Hmm, Chaliapin, huh?

You father spared no expense.

That was in old Russia.

Do you know this one?

Oh!

Kak Stranno!

How's strange.

How strange.

What did you say your name was?

Irene!

- How do you spell it?
- I-R-E-N-E.

That's it! Irene!

But what?

I knew it! You're the one!

- What one?
- The redheaded liar, Irene!

I knew I couldn't be mistaken!

Oh, there are so many
by that name.

Not like you, babe.

Everything fits. The name,
the face, the voice!

- Chaliapin for a teacher!
- Old Russia!

Certainly, it's you!

And there's no use shaking
your head and looking amazed.

No matter how much you lie,
you can't wipe out the memory

of the Royal Grand Hotel
in Omaha.

The what hotel?

All right. Go ahead and laugh.

That blonde hair had me fooled
for a minute,

but it's just as phoney as that
parachute jump into the jungle.

Oh, you amuse me!

It's a pleasure to be entertaining,
but you can't get away with it.

You amuse me very much indeed.

Here we are
on a mountain peak in Bedlam.

Tonight, war is breaking
over the world.

And all you worry about is whether I am
a
girl you once met casually in
Omaha-ha-ha.

Did I say it was casual?

- Oh, it is amusing.
- Sure, it is.

It's absolutely side-splitting.

But don't think for one minute
there's any more doubt in my mind.

I've got you tagged!

Good night, my friend.

My funny friend.

Good night.

And thank you for making me
laugh so much tonight.

And what did you say
was the name of that hotel?

The Royal Grand!

Oh, yes!

The Royal Grand.

You may recall it had one of
those old air-conditioned elevators,

just like this one.

The Royal Grand.

The Royal Grand!

Say, whose are these?

Well, they're not mine.

- I wear opera length.
- Skip it.

They're mine.
Thanks, Harry, dear.

I couldn't believe
we were leaving a place

without one of you
overlooking something.

Now we're going
to Geneva, girls.

It's a very important city,
and we've gotta make good.

If we click there, we're all
set for London and Paris.

Maybe we'll make enough money
to get us home.

Oh, don't speak
of such a thing. Home!

To get a real decent
henna rinse again.

I reached a decision
last night about the act.

What is it, Harry?

From now on,
I do no more dancing.

- Why?
- What?

Well, we've gotta have you
in the routines, Harry.

I've decided that hoofing
hurts me. It's undignified!

From now on, I devote myself to
the more intellectual side of the act.

And of course,
the negotiations of contracts.

What made you
decide that, Harry?

I'm a thinker, not a performer.

Say, what were you talking
about to that Russian number?

We discussed world conditions.

Oh, and how are
world conditions?

Hello, girls.

I just wanna tell you,
the orders have come through.

The frontier bridge
will be open at five o'clock.

We'll all be allowed to pass.

- You going too, Don?
- I certainly am.

- But you got a swell job here.
- Say, this place is finished.

They know where those planes
came from last night.

And the same thing will
happen here. Boom, boom!

So it's California,
here I come.

And run right into the Japs.

You better stop off
in Oklahoma City.

I'm going down to see
about the passports.

Oh, Harry, can't we go, too?
I'm afraid.

No, wait here till I call you.

- Mr. and Mrs. Cherry, there you are.
- Thank you, Captain.

You're leaving, Mrs. Cherry?

Our country
is coming into this business,

and so there's nothing
for it, but...

- So, the honeymoon is over, huh?
- Yes.

Jimmy feels he has to do
his bit.

Don't worry, darling. The war will
be over before I even get into uniform.

That's what they said in 1914.

Goodbye, Captain.

Goodbye and...

Good luck and happiness
to both of you.

Thank you, Captain.

Come, my sweet.

See you on the bus, Mr. Van.

Certainly.

Frankly, Captain,
my heart bleeds for them.

They come up here to spend
their honeymoon on skis,

and now they have to go back and fight
to make the world safe for democracy...

again.

Yes.

It is a tragedy.

Mr. Van.

Here are your passports,
with my compliments.

- You'll find them duly stamped.
- Thank you, Captain.

How about Mr. Weber and the
Madame? Are they leaving, too?

Oh, yes, yes. I have
their passports right here.

Uh, if I may advise you,
Mr. Van, better make ready.

The train will be leaving
in about 45 minutes.

Okay, Captain.
I'll see you about the trunks.

Is everything in order?

Quite, Mr. Weber. Here it is.

- Well, thank you. And Madame's?
- Oh, Mr. Weber, this is...

This is an unusual
kind of passport. It's, uh...

It's given us quite some worry.

Well, uh, she was born
in Russia, so she says.

But ever since she was a child,

she's been wandering around
the world belonging to no country.

I secured this passport for her
from the League of Nations.

I see. Well, since Madame
is traveling with you,

I'll be glad
to approve her visa.

But Madame
is not traveling with me.

Well...

Wasn't it understood
that you vouch for her?

No one
need vouch for Madame.

She's quite capable
of taking care of herself.

If her passport is not in
order, that's no affair of mine.

Uh, Mr. Weber, you...

You put me in
a very embarrassing position.

I'll be forced to detain her.

You are a soldier,
my dear captain,

and you should be used to being
placed in embarrassing positions.

No doubt
you were very embarrassed

when you had to shoot that
confused little pacifist, Quillery, huh?

This is war, Captain, and...

Thank you.
I'll look after my luggage.

- Do you have my passport visa?
- Yes, Dr. Waldersee.

Hi, Doctor.
Did you get your rats packed?

- Ja.
- There you are.

I can tell you, Doctor, I'm going
to be proud to have known you.

When I read in the papers that you
wiped
out cancer and won the Nobel Prize,

and you're the greatest hero
in the world,

I'll be able to say, "He's
a personal friend of mine.

He once admired my music."

Thank you very much.

This visa is good
for crossing all borders?

Yes, certainly, Doctor. But
you're going to Zurich, aren't you?

I have changed my plans.
I'm going back to my home.

We are at war.
Maybe I shall be needed.

Needed for what?

I shall offer my services
for what they are worth.

Oh, but what about your rats?

Why should I save people
who don't want to be saved?

So they can go out
and exterminate each other?

As for my rats...

maybe they will be useful.

There will be another blockade of
my country and we will be starving.

Maybe I will cut my rats
into filets and eat them.

Oh, wait a minute, Doctor. You're
not thinking what you're doing.

I'm thinking that probably the
remedy you sold is better than mine.

Hasten to apply it.

We are all diseased.

I'm sorry to disappoint you
about the Nobel Prize.

- Goodbye, Doctor.
- Adieu.

Good luck.

Why can't somebody answer the
question that everybody's asking?

Oh, I know the obvious answers,
but that's not good enough.

Weber and a million like him
can't take the credit for all of this.

Who is it that does a dirty trick
like this to a lot of decent people?

And why do you let them get away
with it, that's what I'd like to know.

My friend, we have
avalanches up here.

They're disastrous.

They start with a tiny
little crack in the ice,

so small,
one can't even see it.

Until suddenly, it bursts wide
open and then it's too late.

That's a very slick explanation,
Captain, but it doesn't satisfy me.

Because this avalanche
isn't made of ice.

It's made of flesh and blood
and brains.

Yes, I know.

Still upset
about the situation, Mr. Van?

Oh, good afternoon,
my dear Captain Kirvline.

Good afternoon, Madame.

I have had
the most superb rest here.

The atmosphere is so calm,
so soothing.

I can't bear to think that
we are going to Biarritz,

with the dull, dismal old sea
pounding in my ears.

We are leaving now, Achille?

I believe
some difficulties have arisen.

- Difficulties?
- Yes, Madame.

Madame, this passport of yours
presents certain problems--

Mr. Weber will settle the
problems, whatever they are.

Won't you, Achille?

Well, there seems to be some
question about your nationality.

Yes, it states here that
your birthplace is uncertain,

but assumed to be Armenia.

I have never before had the
slightest difficulty about my passport.

It was issued
by the League of Nations!

Madame, the fact is that circumstances
over which I have no control

compel me to deny your permission
to cross the frontier at this time.

I'm sure you'll appreciate
the delicacy of my position.

Perhaps we'll be able
to adjust this matter tomorrow.

Madame.

I should stay over,
of course, my dear.

But you know how dangerous
that would be,

even if I delayed my return
for even so much as one day.

I've been in touch
with our agents,

and the War Ministry is demanding
the production of all munitions

be doubled, trebled, at once.

Of course.

I'm sure that this will take
care of all necessary expenses.

And I don't think you'll be
inconvenienced very long.

I suggest you go
toward the east.

Athens, possibly.
There's no danger there.

Thank you, Achille.

Thank you for having managed
this so very, very tactfully.

You are a genuinely
superior person, my dear.

It is a privilege
to have known you.

Thank you again, Achille.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, Irene.

- Tough luck, babe.
- It's no matter.

I talked to the captain. He
can't explain what went wrong.

But you can trust him.

He won't be as brutal
as the Bolsheviki were.

I mean, you won't suffer
any bayonet wounds.

You see
that you get through tomorrow.

You want to be encouraging,
my friend, but it is no use.

- Hey, Harry, it's time to go.
- Yeah, I'll be right there.

Go away. Go away
with your friends.

If I am to remain here,
it is no concern of yours.

Listen, babe,
I haven't any wish to--

Please don't call me "babe."

Even if I don't believe
anything you say,

I can see pretty plainly
that you're in a tough spot.

Considering our friendship
back at the Royal Grand Hotel--

Must you always be in Omaha?

I want to help you, Irene.

Isn't there something I can do?

You are very kind,
and very gallant.

But unfortunately, you are
no match for Achille Weber.

He has decided
that I shall remain here.

- And his decision is final.
- Harry, come on out!

What's he got against you?

He's afraid of me.

I know too much about his methods
of promoting his own business.

Well, everybody knows
about his methods.

Little Quillery was talking
about them last night.

Yes, and what happened
to Quillery?

That's what happens to everyone
who dares to criticize him.

Last night, I did the one thing
he could never forgive.

I told him the truth!

At last, I told him
just what I think!

And now you see how quickly
he strikes back.

Harry! Come on!

Harry, the bus is gonna leave!

All right, all right.

But we gotta go this minute!

I'll be right there. Get out!

How do you like that?

He stops everything to make
another pass with that Russian.

Go ahead. Go ahead.
You can't help me.

No one can.

Harry!

But...

If it will make you any happier

in your future travels
with Les Blondes,

I will tell you...

Yes, I did know you slightly
in Omaha.

So you decided to break down
and admit it at last.

I can't believe it.

Perhaps you're lying again.

It was room 274.
Does that convince you?

How can I remember
what room it was?

Well, then you will never
be sure, Mr. Van.

- Harry!
- - We can't wait another instant!

- They're gonna go off without us!
- We'll get stuck here!

Harry, you're letting down
the act!

Goodbye, Harry.

Goodbye again.

- Oh, Harry. Come on!
- Come on! Let's go.

All right.

- Bye bye.
- Come on.

Goodbye.

Goodbye!

- Bye!
- Goodbye!

Goodbye.

Why, Dumptsy!

Good afternoon, Madame.

What is that costume?

They called me up.

Look, I'm a soldier.

You look splendid.

If you please, Madame,

but why didn't you go
on that bus?

Oh, I have decided to stay here
and enjoy the winter sports.

Oh, this isn't a good place
anymore, Madame.

They say the war is very big.

Bigger than the last time.

The enemy will be over here
with the bombs!

It will be thrilling for us
if they do, Dumptsy.

Maybe it will, Madame.

But I came to say goodbye
to Auguste, the barman.

He's a cousin of mine.

He will laugh when he
sees me in these clothes.

Oh, yes.

Thank you, Madame.

Dumptsy, bring bottle
of champagne and two glasses.

- We'll have drink together.
- If you please, Madame.

Your luggage
is in the hall, Madame.

Will you wish it taken
to the same suite?

No, thank you.

Have you anything smaller?

Smaller? Yes.

We have smaller rooms
on the other side of the hotel.

I will have the smallest.
It will be cozier.

Wish to go to it now?

No, thank you. You can send up
the luggage. I will look at it later.

Very well.

I was right, Madame.
Auguste laughed very much.

I'm glad.

You will enjoy
being a soldier, Dumptsy?

Oh, yes, Madame. If I'm
taken prisoner soon enough.

Go ahead and pour yourself one.

Oh, thank you so much, Madame.

I wasn't sure
I heard you correctly.

Here's to you, Dumptsy.

And to you, Madame,
if you please.

Thank you.

And who do you think
will win this war, Dumptsy?

Oh, I know nothing
of that, Madame,

except it will be
like the last time.

Whoever wins,
my country will lose.

They will all lose, Dumptsy.

If you please, Madame.

Now, I must go,
if you will excuse me.

Dumptsy.

Here's for you.

Goodbye and God bless you.

Thank you so much, Madame.

Did you have some trouble?

No.

- Whose is that champagne?
- Mine. But won't you have some?

Thanks.

- Dumptsy used that glass.
- That's all right.

What happened?

Didn't you get across
the border?

The girls did.

There was a train
waiting on the other side.

Mr. and Mrs. Cherry promised to
look out for 'em. They'll be okay.

And you came back to me?

Well, it seems fairly obvious
that I did come back.

You meant it when you said
that you wanted to help me.

You said I'd never be sure.

Well, I came back to tell you
that I am sure.

I got to thinking it over
on the bus,

and I came to the conclusion
that it was room 274,

or close to it, anyway.

Somehow or other, I couldn't
help feeling touched to think,

of all the sordid hotels
you've been in,

you should have remembered
that one.

The age of chivalry
still lives!

- What?
- I said, romance is not dead!

- Oh.
- You give up everything, risk
your life,

walk unafraid into the valley
of the shadow

to aid and comfort
a damsel in distress.

Isn't that truth?

Yes, that's the truth,
plainly and simply put.

Give me some more champagne.

Another bottle of champagne.
Hi, Captain.

Mr. Van. What's happened?

Was there some mistake
at the frontier?

No. No mistake.

It's just that I'm an
incurable sap, I guess.

I'll be seeing you, Captain.

Look, Harry.

A souvenir of Omaha.

I told you then
that I wasn't everybody.

And it's true. I'm nobody.

But I learned there was no use telling
the
truth to people whose whole life is
a lie.

So I thought if I told lies big
enough, I'd make myself big.

But I can't lie to you, Harry.

You're different
from all the rest.

All these years, you've
been surrounded by blondes,

and you've loved only me.

Quit pawing me, will you?

If you're hooking up with me, it's
for professional reasons only. See?

Yes, I see.

Yeah, and what's more,
I'm the manager.

I'll fix it with the captain so that
we'll get across the border tomorrow

or the next day, or soon.

We'll join up with the girls
in Geneva.

And while we're working there,
you and I will rehearse the code.

The code?

Of course, the code!

I'll learn it easily!

I shall be the greatest
mind-reader in the war room.

If you're gonna qualify for this act
with me, you gotta lay off the liquor.

I mean, after this is gone.

It's a well-known fact that
booze and science don't mix.

I don't think
I shall use my own name. No.

Americans would
mispronounce it horribly.

I shall call myself Namoura.

Namoura the Great!

Assisted by Harry Van.

I shall wear
a black velvet dress.

Very plain.

My skin, of course,
ivory white.

I must have something to hold.

One white flower.

A little white prayer book.

That's it! A little white--

What's that?

What is it, Captain?

Enemy airplanes.
Reprisal for last night.

- They're coming to destroy our base
here.
- I see.

They have no reason
to attack this hotel,

but accidents might easily
happen. I advise the cellar.

- Please, Madame, please do come!
- In a moment, Captain.

I entreat you, Madame,
not to be reckless.

I have enough
on my conscience right now

without wishing to add to it
your innocent life.

Don't worry, Captain.

Death and I are old friends.

God be with you, Madame.

The beasts are bombing us!
Everyone goes to the cellar.

- Thanks, pal.
- Quickly! Hurry!

I wouldn't like to die
in a cellar. Would you, Harry?

No, but that's where
we're going. Come on!

I love you, Harry.

And you adore me,
don't you, darling?

- Did I ever say so?
- No, of course
not! You'll never admit it.

We're not gonna die
in a cellar, after all, Harry.

No, nor in any other place,
if I can help it.

Harry, you realize the
whole world has gone to war?

- The whole world!
- I realize it, but don't ask me why.

I'm stuck
trying to figure it out.

I know why it is.

It's just to kill us,
you and me.

Because we are
the little people.

And for us, the deadliest
weapons are the most merciful!

- Take it easy, babe.
- I never cared
before, Harry, but now I want to live!

So do I. But if we don't,
let's hope we make a fast exit.

And together!

Nice try, buddy,
but you muffed!

Harry...

Do you know any hymns?

- What?
- I said, do you know any hymns?

Sure. Sure, I do.

Which one?

Any one.

Something you used to sing
when you were a little boy.

♪ Abide with me ♪

♪ Fast falls the eventide ♪

♪ The darkness deepens ♪

♪ Lord, with me abide ♪

♪ When other helpers fail ♪

♪ And comforts flee ♪

♪ Help of the helpless ♪

I've loved you
all the time, Irene.

Thanks for telling me, darling.

♪ I fear no foe ♪

♪ With Thee at hand to bless ♪

♪ Ills have no weight ♪

♪ And tears no bitterness ♪

♪ Where is death's sting? ♪

♪ Where, grave, thy victory? ♪

♪ I triumph still ♪

♪ If Thou abide with me ♪

Look, Harry!

They've gone away!