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Paradox Protocols.

The Complete Commission Guide to Temporal Anomalies.

Chapter 68, "The Grandfather Paradox."

It's New Jersey, 1953,

and Elmer Tatelman hates his grandfather.

Elmer blames everything on his grandfather.

His mother's pain, his father's death,

and his own sad life.

How many times do I have to tell you, no goddamn peas!

You don't like what I cook, you can make it yourself!

This could have been just another sad tale about soup,

except for one thing.

Elmer is about to invent...

... time travel.

You see, Elmer has decided the key to his future happiness

is to go back in time

and kill his grandfather.

Sidney Tatelman?

That's me.

Whoa!

Elmer completed his mission,

but he's made one crucial mistake.

He went too far back in time.

You're so beautiful.

Oh baby!

You see, murdering his grandfather in 1905

meant that Elmer's mother didn't exist to meet his father in 1925.

Which made certain that Elmer himself was never born.

Elmer killed his grandfather, so his mother was never born.

But if his mother was never born, Elmer no longer exists.

But if Elmer no longer exists,

how could he possibly kill his grandfather?

And around and around we go.

Elmer has created a paradox,

the grandfather paradox.

The most pernicious problem

in The Commission Handbook of Paradox Protocols.

This story is not true.

But if it were, Elmer would have placed

time, space, and every living thing in grave peril.

Don't be an Elmer!

Bravo!

We've been lucky so far.

With your help, constant vigilance, and a little strategic violence,

the Commission will make certain nothing like this ever happens.

Or God help us all.

Bravo!

Go on. Go!

But when will I see you again?

Go on. Go before someone sees you.

Mmm.

Wait! Sir?

Beautiful evening, isn't it?

- Yeah. How much, chief? - Two bucks.

Two.

Oh, and, uh...

Some of...

Some of those.

Condoms?

For sex.

Which is a thing I do now.

Anything else?

Anything else... Hmm.

Well,

shit.

Hey, did you...

- I'm so confused. - Shocking.

Well, someone killed our mothers, so we shouldn't exist.

But clearly, we do exist,

and the universe can't handle it, which is a problem.

Big problem.

- Yah! - Stanley!

Now is not the time to be doing karate, okay?

- Mom said I need to practice. - Yeah, well, she's not wrong.

- You're very bad. - Well, I saved your pathetic ass.

Okay, hold on. Five, so we caused a paradox.

- What does that mean? - It's hard to say.

It's all been theoretical until now,

but things have started to disappear.

What things?

Right now?

Uh, lobsters.

And a shit ton of cows!

But I have a feeling this is just the beginning.

A feeling? Aren't you retired?

I want nothing more.

You know, you can't drag us through hell

because you have an itch only an apocalypse can scratch

and then expect us to deal with the fallout.

You're not the boss.

Fine, I'm the messenger,

and I'm telling you something terrible is coming.

Then let's go attack the Sparrows, get the briefcase, and go home.

This is our home, Allison. Accept it.

- That's it! I'm telling your mom. - Ooh!

Wait, where's Lila?

Shower. I told her she could stay with us.

Wait. When did Lila get back?

Five, where you going?

Go talk to somebody who only has half her head up her ass.

Don't leave, Five. Don't leave.

No, Klaus. I'm leaving.

I mean, he has a good track record with this stuff.

- I feel like we should listen to him. - Sure.

Hey, quick question.

Cobra Kai! Yeah!

Do none of you heartless bastards care about our murdered moms?

Klaus, the only one that we knew plugged into a wall.

Oh yeah? Well, this is my real mother.

And she's called Rachel.

And I have her eyes.

See?

Come on!

We need to find out who did this! This is the thing!

This is the main thing!

- Is that all you want? - Yeah.

'Cause it's obviously Dad, all right? He knew where we were born.

He hated us in '63. Boom. Murders.

You think Dad is capable of killing innocent people?

Absolutely.

Oh, it's Murder City, buddy.

Yeah, I guess so.

Little late for a meeting, pal.

I was being held captive.

By the Sparrows.

What?

Wait. Did none of you notice?

- We're happy you're home safe and sound. - Yeah. Oh my God.

- Stop lying. - Oh yeah. Okay. Nice.

- Did they hurt you? - Who? The Sparrows?

God, no. Not at all. Excellent hosts.

Really quite charming, actually.

Oh, and you should see their gym.

Outstanding!

I really think we got these guys all wrong.

Says the guy they kidnapped.

What did they want?

Oh. Marcus.

He's missing.

- They want him back. Unharmed. - We don't have him.

Well,

damn.

I was hoping we'd solve that one quickly

and then move on to problem number two.

Disappearing people.

Ooh!

- Uh, it was... it was the wind. - Who's the kid?

The hell are you doing in here?

Shaving my nest, you little perv.

Don't flatter yourself, Lila.

I like my women a little less likely to kill me in my sleep.

We're learning so much about each other.

Mm.

All right, enough.

I'd forgotten how much I hate you, you puny little turd.

The feeling's mutual, Lila.

As much as I'd love to stand here shivving each other,

I have bigger concerns than you.

Yeah? Like what?

What do you know about the grandfather paradox?

Well, I read the same training manuals as you did.

- Why? - Because it's happening.

- You being stupid? - Hand over your briefcase.

I need to go to Herb and find out how he let things get so cocked up.

Over there with my knickers. Toss them to me, will you?

Lila,

why is it you have two briefcases?

Mmm.

One's yours. Nicked it from the Sparrows.

Go on. Give it a go.

First, we try yours.

And then we try mine.

Yeah.

This can't be happening.

The odds of one of them failing, it's in the millions.

- But two of them... - Astronomical. Yeah.

So, what does that mean exactly?

End of the world?

Oh, it's much worse than that.

It means you and I

are gonna have to work together.

Shit.

Discipline. That's what you need to learn.

When I was your age, I was up at dawn, all right?

I was training, honing my skills.

The biggest thing,

- I was becoming a real man. - Right.

Is that why you wear those tight pants?

- Lila? - Hmm?

You need to take this kid with you.

- The hell were you doing in there? - Bathing.

- Together? - Oh, okay.

Diego, we don't have time for this.

Lila and I have got important shit to do.

- Wait. What's more important than family? - Hey, love.

End of the world, genius.

Lila?

What's more important than us?

There is no us, Diego.

Come here.

- What do you mean? - Look, for you, it's been a couple days.

For me, it has been over a decade. I've moved on.

I've slept with many, many people. Many.

The only relationship we have left is the one with our child.

So you better not screw that up.

Wait! What am I supposed to do with him, huh?

I got important shit going on too!

I doubt that.

Figure it out, Diego. Be a dad.

How many is "many people"?

Way more than you, Papi.

So, all the people on the street just disappeared?

Well, no, not all of them, just... half of them.

Five did say animals were disappearing.

Okay, well, now it's definitely people.

Marcus was supposed to meet up with us earlier, but he never showed.

What, you think this grandfather thing ate Marcus?

- It can't just be a coincidence, right? - Great.

Now those Sparrow psychopaths think we took their Number One.

We're never getting the briefcase back.

Okay, what if...

What if we just told the truth?

Marcus is gone, and maybe we're partially responsible.

That'll go well. They'll throw us a party.

I bet they throw fantastic parties.

Listen. Marcus was ready to give us back the briefcase.

If the rest of his family are even half as open-minded, you know,

maybe we can come to some kind of an agreement, get it back.

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Well, if you guys are heading over there, I should probably come along.

You know, uh, for protection.

Yeah.

Nice try, Stockholm.

Your ass is staying here.

Wha... ?

- She's right. - What?

Who put you two in charge?

Look, Allison...

She needs something to take her mind off Claire.

So, we'll handle this.

Yeah. Copy.

Hey, um...

Thanks for looking out for her.

We're getting tons of missing person complaints

in a three-block radius.

- I was thinking hysteria. - What are they up to?

Who?

The Umbrella Academy.

Use your head, Number Two.

First Marcus, now they're grabbing civilians off the streets?

"Number Two"?

I suppose that means you're Number One now?

Marcus is missing.

I'm taking the reins.

What? You think it should be you?

You had your chance once.

Didn't turn out too well, now, did it?

Say that again.

Excuse me. Children, do you mind if I clean up?

Do it quickly.

- You know I respect Marcus. - Of course.

- I'd do anything to protect him. - Sure.

But we've been Numbers Two and Three for far too long, Fei.

With Marcus gone,

it's moving day.

Change can be good.

Think about it.

You, me, center stage.

Taking things to the next level.

So how do we handle the Umbrella situation?

If they bring Marcus back, so be it.

If they don't,

then we have some decisions to make.

Marcus isn't coming back. God took him.

God?

Yes, God is in the basement,

and he called Marcus home.

- Does she need a checkup? - Focus, Fei.

We play this right,

Sparrow Academy is all ours.

Chet, hold my calls.

- No. - Good man.

Can I get a room?

Yes, sir, right with you.

We interrupt today's regularly scheduled program

to bring you this late-breaking story.

Authorities are baffled

as hundreds of people across the city have vanished,

seemingly without a trace...

Another silly conspiracy theory.

... have increased by a staggering 500% in recent days.

However, with no bodies found, no suspects, and no explanation,

police have been scrambling to...

You're one short.

Where's the rest of your pathetic family?

Aww. Is that the best you can do?

Last warning.

Yeah, you don't get to warn me about shit, Flock of She-Gulls.

Whatever.

Where the fuck is Marcus?

Marcus is, uh...

Marcus, uh...

Marcus is...

Safe.

For now.

But that'll change real quick if you don't do exactly as we say.

See? I told you they have him.

I warned Marcus, but no.

He said we had to hear what you had to say.

Look, he wasn't wrong, okay? We want to make things right with you...

By kidnapping our brother?

- No, that's... - Yes.

Look, there is a lot more going on here.

The world is in trouble,

and we need to work together.

My brother could explain it all a lot better than me,

but... it's a time-traveling problem.

We caused a paradox, and that paradox is swallowing things.

Lots of cows, and a dog,

a few lobsters,

but also people.

Look, I know it sounds like...

Just give us the briefcase, and we'll give you Marcus.

- What briefcase? - The one we left in your house.

Deal.

The briefcase for our brother.

Great.

Hotel Obsidian, four o'clock sharp.

Or we'll send him back in pieces.

Oh... Woof!

Ooh, that takes me back.

All right.

Whoa, what the hell was that?

What? You were losing them. I'm an actor, I improvised.

Superb performance, Helen Mirren, but we don't have Marcus.

Well, they don't know that.

What are we gonna do when they show up and find out?

I don't know. We'll figure that out next. But why don't you relax?

We're powerful superheroes. It's time we started acting like it.

Oh, like how you almost turned a conversation with Ben

into a street fight?

- Come on, it's not like you. - What does that mean?

Since when do you have a hair trigger?

You're usually the calm and cool one.

Yeah, and look how well that worked out for me.

Viktor, we could go home tonight, okay?

And for the first time in days, I feel hope, so please don't step on that.

Okay, but come on, we have to be smarter about this.

We don't know enough about the Sparrows.

I don't give a shit about them. I've got you.

No one's gonna win a fight against me and my tiny badass brother.

Okay. Well, I need the briefcase too.

It's my only way back to Sissy.

But no more improvising, okay?

We do things together from now on, got it?

Got it.

- What are you doing? - What are you doing?

Security assessment. Our enemies can attack us from anywhere.

That's cool.

No, that is not cool.

But lucky for everyone, I'm on it.

The trick is to be prepared.

Now, I need you to stay away from the hotel for a few hours, all right?

It's not safe. Go buy some donuts.

I'm allergic to donuts.

What do you mean, you're allergic to donuts?

You also hate fun?

- It's the gluten, asshat. - Hey, watch your mouth.

Stop trying to get rid of me. Everyone tries to do that.

Maybe just try being less annoying.

Oh my God. You're bad at this.

Just go somewhere for a few hours, all right?

It's a big city. Have fun.

Mom would never let me walk around a strange city all on my own.

She doesn't trust me.

That's because she's a terrible person.

And I'm amazing.

Remember that.

It's eight dollars.

That's a month's salary for a kid. Get outta here.

I'm so good at this.

Oh, thank God.

Have at you!

- Did you do it? - How did you get in here?

Did you kill our moms?

Moms? What in the world are you talking about?

Please just...

Please just tell me whether or not

you killed them, and then I'll leave.

I promise.

I don't care enough about you to lie.

Do I look fit to murder anyone?

Well, maybe not now, but...

On your feet, boy.

- You're the drunk one, aren't you? - No, no. I'm Klaus.

I'm the... spiritual one.

All right, Reg, you know the drill.

Pills, bills, and num-nums.

I'm not hungry.

Come on. I'm really not in the mood for your bullshit today.

Get a move on.

Sit.

Now...

- What is this? - Doesn't concern you, old man.

We say sign, you sign.

Don't make me get Christopher.

You're a champ, Reg.

Woo! Jesus, Reggie. You stink.

Hurry up, douchebag. I'm starving.

I'm telling the robot to give you a bath.

My God, Dad.

What happened to you?

If they left a briefcase behind, Grace will know where it is.

You don't think it's weird that they "forgot" something here?

What if it's a trap? What if we open it and it explodes?

Please. They aren't that smart.

Grace? What the hell's going on down here?

Sweet Jesus.

Jesus is one possible interpretation of this deity.

Or perhaps it's the reincarnation of Buddha or Brahma the Creator.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Be careful, Number Two.

You don't want to disturb his slumber.

Who knows who the waking god will choose next.

Grace, is this what took Marcus?

He went right up and touched it.

Brazen man.

The light of the Lord is too much for mere mortals.

Grace, when did God get here?

Two days ago, with our new visitors.

Nice suit.

Thanks. Tailor in the lobby is a master craftsman.

Still, I will miss those pasty knees.

Yeah, well, we could all stand

to be showing a little less skin these days.

For you.

Yeah.

Ready to hot-wire this briefcase?

Let's do this.

Ah shit!

Shit! Lila!

Shit!

Yeah, I was 99% sure that wouldn't work.

Well, I'm glad my pain amuses you.

You have no idea. It's like my therapy.

Well, now we are down to one half-dead briefcase,

and my jumps are only accurate up to a couple minutes.

So, essentially, we're screwed.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

Oh, I hate that smile.

Listen, on your own, your little jumps are rather pathetic.

But if we powered up together,

you blinking, me mimicking that blink,

I think we could create some kind of feedback loop

and get enough juice to jump-start the case.

- Both of us together. - We'd have to trust each other.

Lila, you just spent the better part

of the last ten days trying to end my life.

- You killed my birth parents. - Fair enough.

And your entire family stood by

while that greasy Swede put a cap in the woman who raised me.

The Handler was going to kill you, Lila.

In fact, she did kill you.

Then I rolled back time and let the meatball do his work.

Oh, and by the way,

if you're leading Diego on as payback for what happened in Texas,

you're pissing up the wrong ladder there

'cause that idiot may actually love you.

The Handler never did.

What do you know? You spent decades shagging a mannequin.

Do not talk about Delores like that, Lila.

This is insane.

There is no way we're gonna get past this to make it to the Commission.

Okay, perhaps we can't get to trust,

but there is a certain honesty in white-hot hatred.

Then come over here, you god-awful little shit.

And hold my hand.

♪ Or the highlights in your hair ♪

♪ That catch your eyes ♪

♪ I have been blind ♪

♪ The lady in red ♪

♪ Is dancing with me ♪

♪ Cheek to cheek ♪

- What's with the bottles? - Molotov cocktails.

- What's with the music? - None of your biz.

Phil Collins. Neil Diamond.

Are you making a mixtape?

- Shouldn't you be watching your kid? - Dude, I got that parenting thing down.

The trick is, you give 'em a little trust,

and everything falls into place.

Now, I've been working on our defense.

Now, let's talk offense, all right? What's our Sparrow plan of attack?

- I got the rest of the afternoon. - Relax. Vanya and Allison handled it.

It's Viktor.

- What? - Vanya's Viktor now.

What else did I miss while I was kidnapped?

Jesus, Luther. Not everything is about you, all right? So?

The Sparrows are coming here, all right?

For what? Tea?

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No!

No!

It's time for you and me to show 'em who's boss.

Like the old days, huh? You know, bustin' heads?

Oh, Jesus, Luther. Lionel Rich... Are you kidding me?

What?

Lionel Richie's still cool.

- No. - Look, I met someone, okay?

And I thought, you know, maybe she'd like some curated songs

that just so happen to express what's in my heart.

When did you have time to meet someone?

I mean, we've been here for two days, and the only time you...

- This is a mixtape for the enemy? - Hey.

Sloane is not the enemy.

They are not the enemy. This is all one big misunderstanding.

And if our family could just behave ourselves for once,

then we could all work together.

And then Sloane and I can fall in love,

get married,

buy a dog,

grow old on a porch.

Ugh.

Jesus, Luther.

You're pathetic.

Is... Is Sloane the gravity one?

Oh shit.

You guys had gravity sex.

Come on. You know I can't talk about that.

Luther, I'm your brother. We got no secrets.

Okay, well, uh,

you might say, we were, uh,

"Dancing On the Ceiling."

Oh! That one's going in!

Oh my God, that's genius.

The hell are you doing? I told you not to be here.

What's a Molotov cocktail?

Is it a drink?

- No. - Can I try one?

No.

I've had beer, you know.

It's a homemade bomb, okay?

Sweet. I can help.

Ever made a pipe bomb? 'Cause I have.

I've blown up tons of mailboxes.

- There are secrets in the mix. - Mm-hmm?

So what's my job here, and how much you paying?

Your job is to study the inside of this elevator, okay?

- All right. - Until I get back.

Wait. Hey, come back.

Reports of missing persons keep climbing with no sign of slowing down.

There has yet to be a body found,

and there are still no suspects at this time.

As we reported earlier, police have been scrambling to make se...

I love this movie.

Never turn your back, my boy.

Especially not to your children.

You try your best, give them your all, but it's too much.

Then it's pills in the porridge and something extra in the tea.

Next thing you know, you've signed your life away.

All your dreams have been quashed.

All your plans run aground, and the worst of it?

No one ever comes to visit anymore.

But you wouldn't understand that.

Oh, Reggie.

You got no idea.

You ever been to a Baskin-Robbins?

Can't say that I have.

They're like... You know the ones.

They're like half a Dunkin' Donuts,

and they're open all night, and it's 3:00 a.m.,

and nobody's switching out those giant empty barrels of fudge ripple.

That's me.

I feel like scoop after scoop after scoop's been taken out of me.

Brother...

Lover,

a whole world,

and now...

my mom.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

I feel like if I could just find the person who did it...

Do you want some ice cream?

Would that shut you up?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

- Damn pills. - I can help you with that.

The ice cream?

No, the pills. If you don't wanna take 'em.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

That's against the rules. I have to take them every day.

All you have to do is just pop to the side such as this.

Ta-da!

Old necessary rehab trick.

I didn't care for you when last we met,

but I must admit you're growing on me.

- Hey. - Yeah?

This whole, uh, Viktor thing.

- Yeah? - Well, it's a pretty big deal, right?

I guess, for him. It's whatever.

Well, should we say something?

You know? I mean, make a formal gesture? Welcome him as brothers.

God, no. Just roll with it, man.

Don't say anything, and don't be weird.

Okay. But not saying something feels weird, right? I mean...

Shouldn't we, I don't know... mark the occasion somehow?

You just wanna throw a party.

Why do you hate tiny sandwiches?

Hey, what's up?

Luther wants to throw you a big, stupid party so you feel loved.

Oh.

Do you feel loved?

Yeah, I... I do.

Good. You are.

Can we all get back to saving the world now?

I, uh...

I really like the hair.

Is that a number ten?

Yeah, that's a good choice.

Really... frames your face.

Thanks.

I'll see you later.

I'm gonna be on you like white on rice.

Sneeze, I'll be there with a handkerchief.

If your nose isn't clean, I'll wipe it in the dirt.

Another thing.

Either you take care of Paco, or you stay the hell away from him.

You got me?

Oh!

William Shatner. Amazing.

Oblivion.

Oblivion?

Hmm.

See? You're not so terrible when you're asleep.

♪ Glo... ♪

♪ ... oria ♪

Oh, wow!

The Lord.

The Lord is upon me.

Okay, relax.

I can't. Your breath is terrible.

Garlic is for winners. Enough foreplay!

This is so stupid.

Power up, shithead.

That's it.

Let me in!

I can't! It's too much!

Don't bitch out on me now!

I hate you so much!

Then get this right, or it's you and me in the Stone Age forever!

Now! Do it now!

Oh, brilliant idea, Lila. Welcome to the Ice Age.

Shut up and just look.

The Commission.

Shit.

I don't get it. Did I miss it? How did you win again?

Oh, look at those two jabronis getting along, being all sibly.

So?

So that never goes well for us.

Hey.

So, what's the plan?

What do we do when the Sparrows get here?

- Follow our lead. - Uh-uh. Nice try.

We don't take orders from you.

- Uh-uh. - Mm-mm.

Oh shit. They're early.

Well, thanks for coming.

Oh, yeah, super glad to be here.

- Where are the rest of you? - Are you taking attendance?

They'll be here.

Where's the briefcase?

Where's our brother?

Maybe we should try this again before I lose my temper.

- Allison... - I got this.

- Run. - "Bun"?

Hand over the briefcase or no deal.

Yeah, tiny problem.

Deal's off.

Run.

Oh, "run"!

Molotov this, bitches!

Stanley! Not now.

Oh shit.

Power up.

Fire! Fire!

Go!

Now, Chris.

What the hell?

I heard... I heard a rumor...

That you're about to die?

Kill 'em.

Jayme!

Alphonso!

Pull back!

Sloane. Sloane, are you okay?

Whoa.

Oh my God.

Harlan?

Is that you?

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