Original subtitles

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[Music]

[Applause]

yes

Brighton welcome thank you for coming

hello having to do anything ruins

everything take tonight

it's not just me it's you as well we all

thought it ah do we have

to I could tell by looking at some of

you some of you looking at your partner

is going how much was

it soon as you have to do it anything

doesn't matter what it is tonight you

know you know booked this in oh yeah

fair to Royal Hometown Brighton let's go

yeah signed it up because we signed it

up me I had to do it I woke up this

morning I've been dreading it all

day all day I'll be honest with you

Brighton I was hoping it would get

cancelled there's no better feeling in

life than something being cancelled is

there nothing nothing as good as that I

have yet to take it nothing is good

tonight I think we're all going to have

a fantastic evening it won't be as good

than if you'd found out earlier that you

didn't have to

come I can't compete with that I can't

comp

imagine just before you left the house

got a text sorry tonight's performance

is cancelled [ __ ] get it yes so

trousers are

you know what I mean I hate leaving the

house honestly I don't think I've ever

not begrudgingly put on my shoes ever

ever I put on my shoes every day I put

on my shoes go why the [ __ ] did I say

yes to this why why did I say yes I know

why I said yes I said yes cuz at the

time it wasn't now that's why I said yes

because it was in the future it was

later but you forget don't you when you

agree that later will be now

putting on

youru you could get me to agree to

anything just because it's in the future

hey Sean you want to come and check my

dog's prostate when August yeah

God you're right

yeah there with my latex gloves in

August why the [ __ ] did I say yes to

this why

[ __ ] the only time I'm happy putting

on my shoes is at bowling cuz it means

I'm going home

I I'm 36 now mid 30s deep into the

mid-30s yeah got people in tonight in

your 20s I know what it's like in your

20s I remember everyone older than you

telling you to enjoy it whilst you

can that's what they do isn't it you

know how old are you 24 enjoy your last

you can

it's like a fret isn't it [ __ ] enjoy

it enjoy it

now but enjoy it oh enjoy it you get

into your mid-30s you begin to see the

world differently like I can now see

crumbs I've never seen them

before I'd heard about

them I'd felt them in

bed but i' never actually seen

them I walk into the kitchen now there's

[ __ ] billions of these things it's

like someone's been grating a baguette

[Music]

overnight and not only do you see the

crumbs you want to clean the crumbs I

become a crumb cleaner I could do that

special mom move that I thought only my

mom do you know the

one skipping to the bin and saying

things like that's better oh God who am

I get me some cerman

quickly going to enjoy it whilst you

can enjoy it whilst you can man and I

remember when you're in your 20s I

remember what you're thinking when you

hear it you're thinking [ __ ] off I got

my own

problems no you

don't you don't have any real problems

oh in your 20s you got the future the

future remember your 20s [ __ ] yeah

smoking what am I going to do what am I

going to be do or be yeah do or be

woohoo

yeah

mid-30s there is no do or be there's

just am was and could have

been hear that

clap his dreams are

dead he knows

it's not

happening give

up I remember sat there at the pub in my

early 20s best friend opposite me p in

front of me we're talking about the

future you want we're goodna I'm GNA I'm

GNA remember that I'm GNA you remember

that I'm GNA you're going to do [ __ ]

all nothing

I remember he told me he he told me that

he was going to win an Oscar for best

director and dedicated to me in his

speech and I believed

[Applause]

him two months ago he moved back in with

his

mom he's had to cancel his

Netflix not only can he not direct a

film he can't even [ __ ] watch

one what happens of course you can still

have dreams of course you can it's just

the dreams the dreams have to be

slightly

smaller slightly

smaller I used to want to be a film star

I now would like to do up the kitchen

smaller

dreams I remember

clubbing Mr bright side is on surrounded

by these faces faces that I think are

going to be my best friends for the rest

of my life [ __ ]

yeah oh Mr br

[ __ ] great wasn't

it it's cut to you 20 years later

listening to Mr Brightside on the radio

whilst you're

hoovering hoovering the

crumbs to get the

crumbs I've got Henry the Hoover you

know that coked up

nutcase it's

crazy I open up the cupboard door he's

there staring at me with his big coked

up eyes red wine face I let's [ __ ]

guess on

it let's get on the dust come on quick

cheek let's have it I'm up for

it I'm going to do an entire sock under

the couch this have it

come

on you know what we can see is his eyes

in the darkness like in Snow White when

she's running through the woods you can

just see the eyes come on let's kiss

her you get Henry out the cup come

on get come on doesn't matter how big

big your houses does it you can live in

a mansion you can live in the tal Mahal

it doesn't matter we all try and Hoover

the entire place from the same plug

socket Henry's 4 foot off the

ground get here you red prick

[Music]

ho Rings the easy bit that's the easy

bit you ever try and put him back [ __ ]

[Music]

me I do not know what is going on on

that cupboard but whatever it is Henry

does not [ __ ] like

it he doesn't want to go we try to put

right that's it we've done it than you

if you can get back in the C I'm no

[ __ ]

going this it get in the cover come on

no I'm going to do the garden like going

to do the G and just get the [ __ ]

back he's trying to shut the door he's

trying to hold it open with his

truck [ __ ] get

[ __ ] soon as you think you've shut the

door the broom goes and as much chance

[ __ ] it go

[Applause]

oh

God smaller

dreams smaller

dreams you know what I dream of the most

now a good night

sleep I'm so

tired I'm so tired all the time

constantly just tired this morning I

woke up tired even the sleep did me in

just tired all the time just

tired tired the only time I'm not tired

is when I'm [ __ ]

knacked all I think is oh I'm tired I'm

so tired I'm so tired you speak to

people how are you I'm a bit tired a bit

tired try to have a coffee to wake up

don't you coffee doesn't wake me up it's

nonsense it's just a panic attack in a

cup

I drink coffee I drink loads of it I'm

not awake no I'm just this weird

combination of tired and wired I'm

[ __ ] L there's someone behind me now

just [ __ ] too much

C lying in bed at 2:00 in the morning

can't get to sleep cuz I keep on

thinking about that thing I said when I

was

six lying now I'm sorry Kieran Perkins I

only said your dad had two Willies

because I was jealous of your new pencil

guys I hope you're

okay it's terrifying you tell people how

tired you are no one gives a [ __ ] they

just want to tell you how tired they are

start competing as to who has had the

least sleep I only had 5 hours last

night 5 hours I'd shoot my own mom in

the face to be a to say 5

hours only at 2 hours 2 hours look at

you I'd shave off my own skin to be able

to say the word

hour I was in bed for 40 minutes last

night bed bed I had to curl up in the

bread

bin managed to shut my eyes for 8

minutes eyes both of

them look at what did he do I managed to

shot one last Thursday and that was only

because a green fly landed in

don't patronize

me bless you bless your heart but if

they're not going to go for it just let

them not go for it

you I'm glad I'm glad you enjoyed it

that one was for

[Applause]

you oh now you joined in

right right we'll cut the middle bit of

that out and stick that on the end of

the bit I said well

done all I want to do is sleep so what I

want to [ __ ] do honestly I get out of

bed I get out of bed my mission of the

day I get out of bed I go right I've got

to get back now as soon as I can that's

it wake up right how the [ __ ] do we get

back there what do I have to do where do

I have to go Brighton show yeah they got

to go back yeah fine right let's do

it in your 20s you don't want to sleep

in your 20s do you I didn't want to

sleep I never wanted to sleep in my 20s

I wanted to get on it my 20's backing

get yeah it's all about how late you got

to sleep how late you got to sleep the

later I got to sleep the better the

night the better the night the better

the story

[ __ ] brilliant man I remember

sometimes friends would go out and I'd

miss it i' bring them up the next day

how was it they'd be there was [ __ ]

mental ended up at his warehouse and the

sun started coming up so we got a taxi

home but we got on with the driver so we

went back to

his I've not been to

sleep I'm at work

now I better go actually the passengers

are looking at me

funny I'd be on the end of the phone

going

yes texting my other mates he's not B to

bed he's a

work that changes doesn't

it speak to my friends now after a night

hour I go how was it they go

fantastic home by 9: in bed before

410 I go

oh

oh it's like a sex call

oh oh what time you wake up 10

oh that's 12

hours what are you wearing pajamas oh

didn't set the alarm woke up

naturally oh

yes the people in their 20s looking at

me now

terrified is this what's to

come the worst thing is the people in

their 40s are looking at me and thinking

enjoy it whilst you can

that's the

future children are living the

childhood I dreamt of I fantasized about

being a kid

imagine imagine one day been able to

just touch a device Bang song instantly

children today will never know the

pain of lime wire

a line

wire start downloading a song go to

school come back hope that it

finished that download bar [ __ ] with

you 2 minutes left 9 hours and 58

minutes left 30 seconds left 9 days 24

minutes left [ __ ] please

please we've become so impatient I am so

impatient now it's

unbelievable like I can't believe that

people used to have to look for a taxi

we used to look for a taxi what were we

doing what a way to get

home I need to get home what are you

going to do I'm going to order a taxi

where is it don't know I'm going to find

one I think is that a light I think is

his light on is the light on is light I

think his light on all right you look

for the window just hear that Taxi

Driver

[ __ ] look for a taxi find a taxi now

we've got Uber

incredible touch your phone bang Uber

comes to you you get in you don't even

have to tell the driver where you're

going he knows and when you get there

you don't even have to exchange money it

feels free

and yet if I look down at my phone and

it says that it is taking any longer

than 4 minutes to arrive [ __ ] is this

the [ __ ] is this piece of

[ __ ] 6 minutes six [ __ ] it I might as

well crawl home what the 6

minutes what is this the Jurassic period

six sometimes I order an Uber the world

worst is when you see those free words

completing Journey nearby what

the you lied to me you lied to me you

said you're available you're not

available you're seeing other people

who's this dick in my

car I'm watching my car get further away

from where I am it's doing 360s over

buildings you see that on your Uber I'd

like to think the driver's actually

doing

that you

quickly get in I know a shortcut Over

[Music]

Westfield sometimes you have to find

your

Uber sometimes you have to find your

Uber this is when you've had too much to

drink I remember being shitfaced

Uber says it's arrived you are so ship

faed you cannot find a car that has come

to

you I'd be there I'd come out the

[Music]

PB turning to my M it he always has the

same question what's the number blade

own you know you [ __ ] up when they

call

you it's 3 in the morning I'm looking at

my phone thinking who do I know in

[Applause]

Sheffield Sheffield calling me did you

know anyone hello hello and then you

have to play that game with your Uber

driver you know that game what can you

see can see can you see chicken cage can

you see chicken c a chicken

cage it's across the road yeah it's it's

next to a boots can you see can you see

a boots where are you where are you HSBC

can you see can you mate can you see an

HSBC

say What's the number

PL where where you buy chicken double

Necker bus just got past double neck can

you see that can you see that finally a

Toyota Prius comes around the corner

with its creepy electric

engine it's always the other side of the

road why you notice that it's always the

other side of the

road walking into

I'm

Wy look around there's all the other

people looking for their

Uber get in the Uber go home it's

incredible it get out feels

free get in shut your door notification

on your phone £

55240 I thought it was

free I wouldn't have the patience to

find a cab anymore I certainly wouldn't

have patience for lime wire lime wire

this was a time not only did you have to

hope that the song you were downloading

would eventually finish downloading you

had to hope that that song

was the song You

intended on

downloading imagine that now on

Spotify I'm listen to limb biscuit

rolling yeah click short little video of

a horse pissing on a

man this is what we grew up

with now we got

Netflix all of those hundreds of films

to choose

from I don't watch them I don't watch

them now that we've got the choice I

don't watch them my girlfriend says the

same thing every evening should we see

what's on Netflix is all you do on

Netflix is

see what is on Netflix and then fall

asleep that's basically it every single

night we just sit

there n n n n n n n n n n n n n no no

[ __ ] off no no no no no no no no no no

no no no oh what about that one I

haven't seen the first one no no no no

no no no no no no no oh go back go Back

come on

that one that one that that one yeah

what's that click on a

synopsis no no no no no no no no no no

no oh I know what let's see what's on

Amazon Prime right no no that is all you

do all you do it's basically

it's basically $6.99 a month to look at

posters that's all it

is you could do that for free when I was

a kid at virgin megga

stores that was a

fun The Buffy the Vampire

Slayer buff you the Vampire Slayer

friends so builders on some

scaffolding a UFO with a

[Music]

spliff got it all now streaming just tap

play incredible I remember the first

time I downloaded a film on Lime

wire took a

week a week seven

days I'm the never forget X-Men

2 me and my best friend C Comes Around

download X-Men 2 on the family computer

big F you remember that one computer per

home big [ __ ] off

fir 30 in in

depth as will be in the living room we

had to fit it into the living room my

parents would be satting there watching

Cy not be there on paint

paint that's what we were doing as kids

what the [ __ ] were we doing I was sat

there hours of hours literally hours oh

draw a

circle [ __ ] buzz the Endorphin hit of

when you tapped that paint bucket and

filled that

circle with a color

[ __ ] this blue circle

and then the panic when you went to fill

that Circle and occasionally the entire

screen would change

color there must be a

gap click on the magnifying glass zoom

in find the

Gap the [ __ ] are we

doing after 7 Days Xmen 2 download

complete I'm sitting there on the

wheelie chair in the living

room Kaz is sat on the cushion on top of

the laundry

basket we clicked on it praying to God

it's actually Xmen

to tap 20th Century Fox comes up it's a

good start 20th Century Fox come on you

pleas please [ __ ] please seven days

please 20th Century Fox fade X-Men 2

[ __ ] got

it this is incredible this is a train to

ask

children feel like we're living in the

future we're not we're not going to have

to go to the cinema again we're not

going to have to walk to the video shop

[ __ ] video shop there be people in

this room young enough that never been

to a video shop let me explain

basically it's like Netflix

except you can't watch the new release

because someone else in your

neighborhood is already watching it

20th Century Fox FES X-Men 2 this is how

big a deal it was we

hugged I'll never forget it we hugged

[ __ ] it we done it yes come on looked at

the screen Wolverine turn around

[Applause]

there you go I don't know I am [ __ ]

useless at everything even the world's

smallest tasks smallest objectives I'm

very lucky my girlfriend who I live with

Cooks right she does the cooking she

loves it all I have to do is get the

ingredients that's it right just that

sometimes she'll trick me into going

right tells me that I'm going for one

item you just pop to the shop give me

some milk said pop to the shop give me

some milk it's quick that isn't it milk

one syllable

milk I think yeah I can do

that I'll go sure get your milk I'll

bring but be

easy by the time I have put on my second

shoe that's has gone from milk to bread

to salt to Pepper to toilet roll to

Kitchen roll to balsamic

vinegar bicarbonate of

soda what the [ __ ] is

that that's not a food that's a

story bicarbonate of soda have you have

you heard they're making it on Amazon

bicarb

it doesn't just stop when I leave the

house it carries on text after text

after text pickled onions going to get

some pickled

onions this is the one that drives

Terror from my heart right see a

text sausages right fine fine

fine then the next message comes through

the nice

ones I don't [ __ ]

know I'm not [ __ ] Bucher am I [ __ ]

nice sausages

[ __ ] I know there are people like me

going yeah we don't know too strong we

don't know then you got the other people

going Cumberland Cumberland come on

Cumberland I was just coming for [ __ ]

milk now I've got the basket full

basket looking at my phone [ __ ] food

isn't in order having to come back on

myself going down the wrong way at the

salad aisle you know the green aisle me

again seeing other men come past that

have been there two aisles ago

me oh looking at our phon looking at

the herbs that's the big one is

it get to the

sausages I swear to God I went to the

sausages there was another guy taking

photos

got a basket full of stuff I just want

to get out and Shar just want to get out

have to choose how you get out now it's

up to you you want to use the guy behind

the counter do you want to do it

yourself you got to choose up to you you

can't use the guy behind the counter

he's busy he's busy with a cigarette

people the alcohol people the lottery

Nutters

you know those people you ever get stuck

behind them number 28 number 32 you're

not going to [ __ ]

win give me that ticket and [ __ ]

off about 20 old women that have been

queuing there for weeks you know too

afraid to use the machines

here have to go and use the self-service

checkout I [ __ ] hate the self-service

checkout I even hate the name the name I

try to Jazz it up the self-service

checkout I don't care what you're called

I'm not getting tricked into working

here this is how it starts first it's a

self-service checkout then it's a stack

of yourself

shelves there's a spinach here's the mop

there's the keys don't forget to lock up

on your way out hang on I just came in

for some bread shut the [ __ ] up and get

back to

work looking at the machines just want

to get out the shop nine machines nine

machines only three of which are working

right the other six they're not broken

they're not out of

order they're closed

closed

closed [ __ ] lights on the screens on

big red circle Sun closed Sun it closed

Sun closed [ __ ] open then you're a

machine surely the whole point in you is

that you don't have to [ __ ] close

what if you joined a

union sorry I can only workit till six

otherwise the back of my throat begins

to hurt after all

the people are afraid that robots are

going to take over the world I don't

think we need to worry they can't get

for an entire shift at tesos

finally

machine becomes free I go up to it I got

the stuff I don't know which

side I never know which side which side

is it this side is it that side you used

should be able to tell which side

because they had the bags right but

they've had to remove the bags do you

know why because people were stealing

the bags we couldn't be trusted with the

bags as a nation

they went we're going to put the bags

here you have to scan them yourself and

we went yeah get [ __ ] see you like

that scan it yourself [ __ ] off free bag

with my panel ra on

goodbye must run this by the way just

quickly it's not self-service either is

it I have never gone through this alone

[Music]

in my life

ever take the first item please wait for

assistance how loud is this woman please

wait for assistance everyone look at the

imbecile everyone look at the complete

[ __ ] [ __ ] stood down

God oh

God big que of people people looking at

me I'm so

sorry please wait for assistance please

wait is the traffic light

necessary do we really need a red

flashing light I can't scan the pepper

we're not getting attacked by the

Klingons I'm looking at the guy behind

the counter

I can't even scan the next item please

looking at me like I'm a piece of

[ __ ] you [ __ ] idiot I'm going to buzz

for help now you [ __ ] idiot this

prick FS he's going to win the lottery

and now look at you you

need starts buzzing for

help you know they Buzz for help under

the counter when they can't handle it

anymore everyone's looking around where

is he where is he where is he [ __ ]

shelf stackers pretending you can't hear

[Music]

it suddenly from the back of tesos a

hero comes to save the day doesn't he

from Beyond the

flaps the Tesco

tornado there

pass the queue quicker than fill and

[Applause]

Holly comes in he's got that magic magic

necklace they love that do they they

love that The Magic Necklace comes in

doesn't even look at me just comes in

disappears I'll take the next item but

please wait for assistance [ __ ] it

h just want to [ __ ]

leave finally get all the stuff in the

bag F I want to pay how'd you

pay pay is all these questions you don't

need how would you like to pay it's 2022

God

card think about it card honestly it's

that would you like to pay my coin coin

coin yeah I'm [ __ ] Robin Hood and

I've turned up with a little bag of

coins I've also brought this goat which

I'd like to exchange for these washing

up tablets me

[Applause]

Lord

coin you saying it I just s where's the

card where's the card gift card gift

card is there would you like to pay my

gift card gift card are you

insane I'd love to be a fly on the wall

of that

birthday oh sorry I wasn't sure what to

get you and then I remember that time

you said you had to pop to

tesos happy

birthday fu fin I get the stuff in the

bag I get out of there get as soon as I

walk out the door as soon as I go out

soon as I cross the line just out the

doors you could use V come in the back

of my heel just as I'm out I get another

text and some onions you [ __ ] I have

to go the whole way back through tesos

come around do it again get home finally

got the bags you know put them on the

side she takes one look in the bag

where's the milk

[ __ ]

[Music]

[ __ ] it's too much it's too much she

cooks I take her out that's the deal I

take her out go to this local restaurant

you know what it's

like that's for water

as well water they always have the same

response still or

sparkling

tap [ __ ] tap yeah since when did

sparkling get this promotion by the way

as if it was equal with water when I say

water obviously I mean still we all mean

still when we say if I wanted SP I'd say

sparkling would I I you go to a market

Hy mate can I have an apple plane or

toffee give me a [ __ ] Apple

wrong with

you I hate getting the bill at a

restaurant I really that for me is the

worst bit of the night getting the bill

I like Nando system Nando you go in you

pay then you eat then you leave that's

great is that that's great you have the

nice fun bit at the end nice fun bit

finish off you go brilliant that's how

it should be shouldn't it imagine a

magical world where you got to wipe your

ass first imagine that wouldn't that be

great imagine if you wiped your ass

first magical world right wiped your ass

first then had the [ __ ] and then just

left how good how good would that be

just there we go we're off that's how it

should be to get the bill it just takes

forever this is out of dat this system

it's not working every single time me

and my partner go for dinner every time

we get the bill should get the bill get

the bill yeah let's get the bill yeah

you you get them if they come that way

we were here first we were here first

[Music]

wa he's coming but then he's come to

them I don't know well maybe if we make

it oh hang on sorry could you just you

[ __ ] not paying

attention your

side your side for [ __ ] sake hang on

there one coming one

TR to get the bill please yeah cheers

thank you thank you so

[Applause]

much oh yeah yeah thanks a lot and then

they [ __ ] off where are they going where

are they going where are they they [ __ ]

up they give you the bill they [ __ ] off

what do you think I want to do at this

point in the [ __ ] evening huh what

you think I was doing just curious oh

yeah oh really is it anyway I'm going to

decorate now cheers manate what the

[ __ ] weight's

there imagine that in a shop imagine

that b a chocolate bar put on the

counter sorry mate how much is that

Snickers he just goes 50p see

you [ __ ]

[Applause]

sometimes we get dessert sometimes we

get dessert at least sometimes we are

always

surprised when we are offered the

dessert menu even though it's a

perfectly normal part of the dining

experience it happens every time we go

we'll be sat there wait till it come

along would you like to see the dessert

menu

oh the

it's like he's let in and go would you

like to come back to mine for an

ory I will if you

will get the dessert menu I don't right

okay I I like dessert right I like

dessert why I've never understood I

never understood this you look at the

dessert menu right all this sweet stuff

all this sweet stuff tiasu Creme Brule

sticky tofe pudding ice cream apple

crumble custard then out of nowhere

cheeseboard now I love cheese don't get

me wrong I'm captain cheese okay all

right but I I just that can't have been

on the dessert menu the whole time good

has ended up somehow

randomly once upon a time that wasn't

there there was just this disgusting

couple in a restaurant that just

finished their

main wife says um I think I'm going to

go for the tiu darling how about

you I want some cheese

oh um oh well it's not on here I can see

if they do cheese um oh which

one all of

them I want all the

cheeses

come

ston extra mature

Jed

blue Bri

red

ler forget the plate just shove it on a

plank of

wood darling it's just it's just that

when when most people have a dessert

they they tend to have something sweet

that's

all stick some grapes on it

[Applause]

crazy I don't

know my phone is

full you know too much memory taken

having to go through my phone deleting

photos [ __ ] thousands of the

pointless that one what the why have I

got all these photos

why you live in the Disposable age

that's why doesn't matter does just take

it take it take it I never look at it

again do

you imagine in the '90s

imagine getting a bus into

town to go to boots to queue to hand in

some film to go home to wake up the next

day to get a bus back into town to queue

again to collect a photo of some Ed eggs

on

[Applause]

toast oh look at that it's got chili

flakes look at

[Applause]

that those the cherish photos we used to

cherish them I remember I visit my nan

in Ireland right tradition she would get

out this big leatherbound photo album

they [ __ ] off you don't one those big

books every page like that

just one still into a Time Gone by

beautiful you cherished it it wasn't in

the cloud you had to look after this

remember just one picture to tell a

whole story one remember looking at this

black and white photo of the moment my

nan met my granddad beautiful big

strapping figure handlebar mustache

smoking a pipe on top of a penny

faving with my granddad looking looking

up at

herti there the cherish those moments

sat there with my n going through the

album we're not going to be able to do

that with our grandkids are we imagine

imagine those photos in an album look at

that look at this kid look here 20

identical photos of the same sunset

I'll never forget this look at

that that's the train times from London

to

Gatwick look at

that it's the old wifi code

ignore

that I I didn't know that man that was

part of a WhatsApp

group look at that

that's a photo of

Gregs I was just one time I was meeting

your nan in town and she text me to say

where are you and that's where I

was I'll never forget this call in my

wife man man look at this

look that is an ink cartridge so I

didn't buy the wrong one

that's a massive black bloke with a

massive black [ __ ] out on the end of a

[Applause]

bed there he is again in the froth of a

[Applause]

cappuccino there he is again on some

cheese on toast

there's some cumber and

[Applause]

sausages he like that man that I [ __ ]

remember that he looked that he was

[ __ ] everywhere he was

[Music]

I'm trying to get more healthy trying to

get more healthy I quit smoking thank

you very much yeah I did it oh look at

that I did it I never thought I could do

it I did it I wish they were just ban it

to be honest just ban it we know what it

does what annoys me the most is the laws

they bring in to pretend they give a

[ __ ] you know on I mean like it's it's

now illegal for shops to display

cigarettes I still know where they

are they're where they've always been

they're behind

you all you've done is put them in a

Cupboard if this strategy worked I'd be

walking around my kitchen going I'm sure

I had some cups

oh [ __ ] it I Quit

cups these stupid laws no let's get rid

of The Branding let's get we must get

rid of The Branding that will help

people quit the logos they they've

gotten rid of the logos all the

cigarette packets look the same now who

is this helping to quit smoking I've

never been with anyone you want a

cigarette no it's all right mate I

managed to quit fcking how how' you

manage that you're on 20 a day yeah

turns out I was just addicted to

pictures of camels

[Applause]

oh God I tried vaping that wasn't for me

it's not a cool look is it the Vape it's

not a good look you know I I'm not proud

of thinking this but smoking I still

think it looks cool oh my God I do I

went on holiday to Italy even if you

don't smoke you see an Italian smoke you

need a cigarette it's

incredible honestly they all smoke out

there I don't think it's bad for you out

there I think he good for you and

it's

f are beautiful

it always going on about the ocean AR

they the

Italians see

see even the Smoke on the end of the

cigarette is sexy you know that smoke I

am the cigarette smoke don't open the

window otherwi I leave

you that's what you want in the old

films characters had sex afterwards they

had a

cigarette Zippo out

[Music]

Ching that's what you want isn't it

isn't it after some fornication you

yeah you don't want to wake up next to a

vapor do you do

you huh no one wants to come then turn

to their side to see

[Applause]

have you got a

charger ridiculous

thing trying to get fit trying to get

healthy friend recommended a Fitbit not

for me not the Fitbit cannot stand the

Fitbit honestly Public Announcement okay

this is important listen to me right any

owners of fitbits listen clear no one

else gives a [ __ ] how many steps you've

done try me [ __ ] nuts just be talking

to people and then they'll just go

interrupt the

chat

sorry I done 10,000

steps unless it was out of a wheelchair

I don't give a [ __ ] do I

[Applause]

don't let me stop you see what you can

get up to go on carry on when you get

there bore the [ __ ] out of someone else

preferably a coast guard go

onu my friend recommended a

PT yeah personal trainer

don't know if you've used one of these

terrifying went to the local gym there

he was

Gary ripped Hench lovely man terrifying

absolutely terrifying I'm going to get

you [ __ ] ripped son going to get you

[ __ ] ripped going to get you hen you

ready you ready you bumed let's go all

those rocks on it all those veins are

there come on you

st look like an a wrecked penis

W be carried on any longer he going to

come out the top of his

head terrifying

man set up this circuit this thing

called a

circuit one exercise after the other

right brings me over says right going to

get you on 20 squats 20 squat is going

to come down like that back straight

starts giving me a history lesson on the

squat did you know that actually right

when we were caveman we actually used to

pick stuff up right there but as we

evolved we got lazy we started bending

our back like I don't give a

[ __ ] I'd rather have back pains for the

rest of my life than pick something

up like that in public

okay all right thanks a lot going to be

walking down the High Street sorry guys

just dropped my phone

that's 20 squats right 20 squats you to

get onto the treadmill going to do hit

right run as fast as you can for a

minute stop walk for a minute then run

again you got that going to bring you

over here going to do kettle bell lunges

all right going to pick up these weights

here right down on your right leg that

on your left leg like that I don't know

why we're doing this

movement how heavy does he think my

shopping is what is this stupid

movements we're doing

H then it goes WR I'm going to bring you

over here going to pick up this dumbbell

going to lean on the bench I'm going to

work on your triceps good do this right

12 of these 12 of these what the tricep

look at that the that's the tricep I

don't need that mother the

[ __ ] don't worry about that mate all I

need to be able to do is pull open a

door after that you can cut that off I

don't need it don't give a [ __ ] about

the

tricep I was going to do that right then

you're going to come over into the R

machine you're going to sit on the Ry

machine right you're going to pull it

out until you burn 20 calories it's on

the heaviest weight okay going to come

off that last

excise grabs this like giant black beach

ball thing right it's called a medicine

ball right he gets on the ground there

are people in the gym there are people

in the gym looking over he gets on the

ground he goes I'm going to going to sit

up I'm going to Chuck you Chuck you this

ball I'm going to sit up I'm going to

Chuck you this ball you're going to

Chuck it back right 50 quit this was 50

Quid to play catch with a stranger like

what what am I doing with my

life okay I

do it

gets it's

crazy he goes what we going to do right

we're going to get your heart rate

moving bit of Boxer size bit of Boxer

size bit of boxer Size Feet Shadow with

apart right get a jab in Hook right I

thought I've got that that's fine I do

that water off a duck's

back so go in no one do right oh yeah

tasty that is tasty that's not bad that

is not bad he's like giving me notes you

guys now the problem is right is there

you've left your chin exposed so what's

going to happen is he's going to come

under the ear he's going to see your

chin he's going to knock you the [ __ ]

out right I went who

who is going to knock me the [ __ ] out

right no no all I'm just I'm just I'm

just hereit some burn some calories yeah

feel a bit better about my mental health

he's like we do it again every single

time no no cuz then he's going to get a

rib shot right he's going to get rib

shot no that's not going to happen I I'm

just come here to feel better about

myself you're training me to fight Tyson

Fury I don't need this just like I don't

need these [ __ ] movements in what

reality do I need to do these movements

just in case one day I wake up and

action film I've got Gary in my ear

quickly there's a bad guy to your left

jabed in Hook there's a bad guy to your

right jabed in Hook quickly there's a

terrorist across the road he's got a

missile launcher he shot one at you

quickly

duck run for your life run for your life

quickly run for your life they're coming

with knives quickly go quickly keep

going they're coming [ __ ] there a

swimming pool

[Music]

walk run again run again quickly there's

briefcases there at the end pick up

they've got the Cod to deactivate the

bomb keep going [ __ ] they're shooting at

you

duck put the briefcases in the boat

start the

[Music]

engine it's not working Gary [ __ ] it

you're going to have to row it yourself

get up quickly there's the boss he's got

the bomb [ __ ] shucked out at you

quickly Chuck it back Chuck it back Chu

it back Chu you back they quickly

hydrate quick I can't car quickly get

the water God get I can't quickly do it

now it's sparkling

[Applause]

I did five of these

circuits and at the end I'm lying there

I'm lying there I can't believe it my

body has never been in so much

pain and while sto down there he took

advantage of me he did he signed me up

to a second

session I can't believe this I can't do

you want to do a second session yeah

what just please just what I can't

believe the amount of [ __ ] I've put in

my body over the last 20 years and I'm

going to [ __ ] die in a

gym what this happened to

me a whole week dreading this session

I'm walking

around bumping into people you right

Sean yeah I'm

right just getting fit and

I it's good it is good it is good ladies

and gentlemen I never thought I'd say it

I never thought I'd say getting a

PT is a good thing a personal trainer

good for your mental health trust me

cuz I went that

day and on the way to the gym I got a

text and he said sorry mate today's

session's

cancelled what a

feeling I have never had an endorphin

hit like

it ladies and gentlemen I joked earlier

on about your dreams being dead

of course tonight I've managed to live

one thank you very much I appreciate

that I appreciate you coming thank you

very

much Bless you that's very nice thank

you

wow thank you thank you very much all

there's so many people to

thank all of you thank you so much sing

ofation I

thank

you thank you very much there's so many

people to thank uh to make so many

people to thank for making this happen

but tonight this is for Danny Julian so

thank you very much take care good night

thank you

[Music]

[Applause]