Original subtitles

WHAT THE-

EXCUSE ME. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU SAW. HE RAN RIGHT OUT IN FRONT OF ME.

OH, MY GOD. COME ON. COME ON.

DON'T YOU DIE ON ME.

OH. HE'S... HE'S OK.

DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHO HE BELONGS TO?

HOLD IT.

OH. MR. KAUFMAN.

CARRIE.

I GUESS I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE LATE TODAY, HUH?

I GOT HERE AT 6 A.M.

MMM.

WHAT YOU GOT THERE, A BOOK?

OH. "THE CONTORTIONIST'S DAUGHTER."

IT FOLLOWS A BEDRIDDEN PROFESSOR

AND HIS GROWING DISILLUSIONMENT

IN 17th-CENTURY PRUSSIA.

OOH. THAT SOUNDS FASCINATING.

WELL... THEN HERE.

WHAT?

I JUST FINISHED IT THIS MORNING.

YOU CAN HAVE MY COPY.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

OH, PLEASE. I'D LOVE TO HAVE SOMEONE

TO DISCUSS IT WITH.

MY WIFE THINKS 1,100 PAGES

IS TOO LONG FOR A BOOK.

SOMETIMES I FORGET SHE'S ONLY 29.

WELL... ENJOY.

WILL DO.

CRAP.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T TAKE CHICKENS?

YOU'RE ANIMAL CONTROL.

I BETCHA IF I HAD A DOG OR A CAT,

YOU'D BE ROLLING OUT THE RED CARPET.

HELLO? HELLO?

SO, UH... SHOULD I DROP YOU OFF HERE OR...

"AS YERGEN APPLIED AN OINTMENT TO HIS WITHERED LEG,

"HE THOUGHT BACK TO HIS DAYS AS AN APPRENTICE BAKER.

THE FIRST BREAD YERGEN MADE WAS A PUMPERNICKEL."

HOW LONG IS THIS RECIPE?

HEY. I'M HOME.

HEY.

WHERE YOU BEEN? I HAD DINNER READY FOR 2 HOURS.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE MY DAY.

I HAD TO DRIVE ALL THE WAY UP TO PLATTSBURG.

WHAT?

CRAZY STORY. I'M DELIVERING IN CHINATOWN, RIGHT?

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN-

AH, GOOD. IT'S STILL NICE AND JUICY.

STOP IT!

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

I GOTTA GET SOME AIR.

OH, MY GOD.

HEY, DOUG.

HEY, GLENN.

WHAT'S WRONG?

NOTHING. IT'S STUPID.

PROBLEMS AREN'T STUPID.

PEOPLE WHO IGNORE THEM ARE.

IT'S JUST... TODAY I HELPED THIS INJURED CHICKEN,

AND I SORT OF GOT ATTACHED TO HIM,

AND THEN WHEN I CAME HOME,

CARRIE HAD DINNER WAITING FOR ME.

LET ME GUESS. CHICKEN?

YEAH. I TOLD YOU IT WAS STUPID.

NO, DOUG, IT ISN'T.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

WHAT GOES ON AT A POULTRY MILL?

IT'S BARBARIC.

I GUESS I'M PRETTY MUCH DONE EATING CHICKEN.

I'LL TELL YOU THAT MUCH.

HEY, THANK GOD I DIDN'T MAKE FRIENDS WITH A COW.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

AFTER THEY'RE STUNNED,

THE CATTLE ENTER THE DEATH CHUTE

WHERE THEY ARE KILLED, DISMEMBERED,

AND PREPARED FOR PROCESSING.

IS IT ALMOST OVER?

NOT UNTIL YOU LEARN HOW HOT DOGS ARE MADE.

IT'S OK, DOUG. IT'S OK, DOUG.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

GLENN JUST SHOWED ME SOME MOVIE

ABOUT HOW MEAT IS MADE,

AND NOW I CAN'T EAT IT.

COME ON.

CARRIE, I'M SERIOUS.

I WAS JUST DOWN IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

YOU KNOW WHAT I ATE? AN APPLE!

OH, MY GOD.

AND A YODEL, BUT STILL, I JUST...

DOUG, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

YOU EAT FAST FOOD 2 OR 3 TIMES A WEEK.

IT NEVER OCCURRED TO YOU THAT ANIMALS WERE INVOLVED?

BECAUSE THEY DON'T MAKE IT LOOK LIKE AN ANIMAL.

THEY'RE VERY CLEVER THAT WAY.

WHAT... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

JUST TALK ABOUT MEAT AND DO STUFF TO ME, OK?

I GOT TO LINK IT TO SOMETHING GOOD AGAIN.

NO. OK, AS FLATTERING AS THAT IS,

I HAVE ANOTHER IDEA.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST STOP EATING MEAT?

I MEAN, YOU HAD AN APPLE, RIGHT?

OH, COME ON. NO.

MY BODY TRIED TO REJECT IT.

THANK GOD THE YODEL KEPT IT DOWN.

DOUG, MAYBE THIS WHOLE THING IS FATE, YOU KNOW,

A CHANCE FOR YOU TO START EATING BETTER.

YOU KNOW, STICK AROUND A LITTLE LONGER...

AND BURP LESS.

I GUESS I COULD TRY. I MEAN, YOU KNOW...

I'VE EATEN MEAT FOR OVER 40 YEARS.

IT'S NOT LIKE THEY'RE COMING OUT WITH ANYTHING NEW.

COME ON. WE'VE BEEN HERE ALL NIGHT.

ANY NEW BURGER IDEAS AT ALL?

OK.

HOW ABOUT WE REVISIT THE MIAMI STACKER?

WE'VE BEEN OVER THAT A DOZEN TIMES.

NO BUN IN THE WORLD COULD SUPPORT 5 PATTIES.

IT'S JUST PHYSICS.

YEAH. YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

NOBODY WANTS A BURGER THAT KEEPS FALLING DOWN.

PEN. PEN.

"THE LEANING TOWER OF PIZZA BURGER."

THE BOTTOM BUN IS A MINI PIZZA.

I GUESS THE OLD DOG STILL HAS ONE MORE TRICK IN HIM.

GOD, I LOVE YOU.

WHAT? NOTHING.

GREAT IDEA, BOSS.

WELL, LOOK AT YOU,

ENJOYING YOUR TOFU SAUSAGE

AND "I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE NOT EGGS."

YEP.

YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES THEM TASTE BETTER?

KNOWING I'M DOING THE RIGHT THING...

AND A BUTTLOAD OF HOT SAUCE.

I AM REALLY PROUD OF YOU, HONEY.

AH, IT'S NO BIG DEAL, REALLY.

WHEN DID YOU GET GLASSES?

THE DOCTOR SAID I PROBABLY NEEDED THEM FOR YEARS,

BUT I DIDN'T KNOW IT UNTIL I STARTED READING

ALL THE STUFF THAT GLENN GAVE ME.

RUSSIAN RIVER, 5 LETTERS.

VOLGA.

WHAT?

IT'S NOTHING.

NO, COME ON. WHAT? TELL ME.

IT'S JUST...

YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE DRINKING COFFEE.

WHY? IS THERE MEAT IN IT?

NO, BUT THE PEOPLE WHO PICK THE BEANS

WORK UNDER VERY TERRIBLE CONDITIONS.

JUAN VALDEZ, THAT NICE GUY WITH THE DONKEY...

HE'S AN ACTOR, CARRIE. I KNOW THAT NOW.

WOW. PAGE 480.

YOU'RE ALMOST HALFWAY THROUGH.

OH. I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO PUT IT DOWN.

YOU KNOW, THEY SHOULD MAKE THIS INTO A MOVIE.

HAVE THEY?

OH, NO. IT'S CONSIDERED UNFILMABLE.

LISTEN, WE'RE HAVING A LITTLE SHINDIG ON SATURDAY

TO CELEBRATE THE OPENING OF SEVEN WATER PLAZA.

I'D LOVE FOR YOU TO COME.

REALLY? I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST FOR THE PARTNERS

AND, YOU KNOW, BIG SHOTS.

IT IS. HA HA HA.

GOT TO HAVE MY BOOK BUDDY THERE.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A LOT TO TALK ABOUT.

DUGAN GROUP.

HEY, BABE.

HEY, HONEY. WHAT'S GOING ON?

UH, NOTHING. JUST TELLING YOU

NOT TO FILL UP ON ANYTHING

BECAUSE FOR DINNER, I'M MAKING BEAN STEAKS.

AGAIN? HA HA HA.

YUMMY!

OH, ACTUALLY, I JUST REMEMBERED.

I HAVE TO WORK LATE TONIGHT.

YEAH. REALLY?

OH, ALL RIGHT. WELL, IF YOU GET HUNGRY,

JUST LOOK IN YOUR PURSE.

I PUT IN SOME SNAP PEAS.

YEAH.

YEAH, I SAW THAT.

BUT NEXT TIME, YOU MIGHT WANT TO

PUT THEM IN A LITTLE BAGGIE.

NOT BIODEGRADABLE.

OK. I GOT TO GO, BABE.

HI, CARRIE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

PLEASE DON'T TELL DOUG.

I JUST NEEDED TO EAT SOMETHING WITH A FACE.

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HIM, ANYWAY?

HE JUST FOUND SOMETHING THAT HE'S PASSIONATE ABOUT.

IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT IT'S A LITTLE ANNOYING.

A LITTLE ANNOYING? CAN YOU TELL HIM

TO STOP THROWING PAINT ON MY PANTS?

HE THINKS CORDUROY IS AN ANIMAL.

HEY.

HEY. WHAT'S UP?

HOW'S THE NEW JOB?

HOW DO YOU THINK IT'S GOING, MAN?

I STAND ON THE SIDEWALK ALL DAY HOLDING THIS.

YEAH. WELL, AT LEAST NO ONE'S PEEING ON YOU,

LIKE WHEN YOU WORKED IN THE SUBWAY.

HA. GUESS AGAIN.

UH...

OH. "THE CONTORTIONIST'S DAUGHTER."

I HEARD A REALLY GOOD REVIEW OF THIS

ON NPR's "BOOK NOOK" THE OTHER DAY.

REALLY? YEAH.

HEY, UM... ANY CHANCE YOU WANT TO READ IT

AND WRITE A LITTLE SUMMARY FOR ME?

PLEASE. IT WOULD HELP ME OUT SO MUCH.

I'D LOVE TO, BUT I DON'T HAVE THE TIME.

I HAVE TO BE OUT WITH MY SIGN ALL WEEK.

FREE PHONE. FREE PHONE. FREE... PHONE.

CLASSIC YERGEN.

OH, HEY, BABE.

HEY.

OH, JUST SO YOU KNOW, FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY,

I MADE RESERVATIONS AT THE SPROUTBACK.

IS THAT OK?

SPENCE FINISHED THE BOOK ALREADY?

NO. HE SAID HE COULDN'T GET PAST PAGE 5.

NOW I'M GLAD I GOT HIM FIRED.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HIS PROBLEM IS.

I GOT TO TELL YOU, IT'S PRETTY INTERESTING.

YOU'RE READING IT?

YEAH. FIRST HUNDRED PAGES

STARTS OUT A LITTLE ROUGH,

BUT ONCE YOU REALIZE IT'S MEANT TO BE

ALLEGORICAL, IT'S A REAL PAGE-TURNER.

HEY, HONEY, ANY CHANCE YOU CAN FINISH THIS BOOK

BY KAUFMAN'S PARTY ON SATURDAY AND FILL ME IN?

YEAH, I GUESS.

OH, SPEAKING OF THE PARTY,

I GOT YOU SOMETHING TO WEAR.

OH, REALLY?

YEAH.

CHECK IT OUT.

READ THE LABEL.

IT'S 100% PURE UNPROCESSED HEMP.

IT'S FROM THE WOODY HARRELSON COLLECTION.

HONEY, I APPRECIATE ALL THIS. I REALLY DO.

BUT I THINK YOU'RE THROWING A LOT AT ME AT ONCE.

I MEAN, I'M JUST GETTING USED

TO THE "ONE FLUSH A DAY" RULE, SO...

BUT YOU ARE... YOU'RE GONNA WEAR IT, RIGHT?

YES.

YOU KEEP READING THAT BOOK, BABY,

AND I'M GOING TO TRY IT ON

FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.

ALL RIGHT. OK.

THAT'S MY GIRL. YEAH.

"SIZE- HUMAN."

YOU'RE ALWAYS WORRIED

ABOUT SOMEONE WEARING THE SAME DRESS.

NOT TONIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. FORGET ABOUT THE DRESS.

I WANT TO GO OVER

THE NOTES YOU GAVE ME FOR KAUFMAN, OK?

THEMES, SYMBOLISM, BREAD AS A MOTIF.

IS THAT HOW YOU SPELL "MOTIF"?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

CARRIE. DOUG.

GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.

YOU REMEMBER MY WIFE AMY.

HEY.

YES. OF COURSE.

SHE WAS OUR INTERN LAST SUMMER.

BACON-WRAPPED SCALLOP?

AMY MADE THEM.

SHE'S TAKING CLASSES DOWN AT THE CULINARY INSTITUTE.

HAVE ONE.

NO. THAT'S OK. THANK YOU.

YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY, DOUG?

ACTUALLY, I'M VERY HUNGRY. IT'S JUST, UH...

MMM... I'M A VEGETARIAN.

HONEY, IT'S JUST A LITTLE ITTY-BITTY THING.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST HAVE ONE?

I'M AFRAID I DON'T EAT ANIMALS...

ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE WRAPPED IN OTHER ANIMALS.

WELL, I THINK THERE'S SOME MELON.

I'LL PICK OFF THE PROSCIUTTO.

NO, NO. HE'S OK. YEAH, THAT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL GO EMPTY OUT SOME MUSHROOM CAPS.

JUST MAKE SURE THERE'S NO REMNANTS.

OK? NO REMNANTS.

SO, CARRIE, HAVE YOU FINISHED

"THE CONTORTIONIST'S DAUGHTER" YET?

FINISHED IT? DEVOURED IT. HA!

AND?

LOVED IT!

I KNEW YOU WOULD.

YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT I REALIZED?

YERGEN WAS NEVER AS FREE

AS WHEN HE WAS CONFINED TO THAT BED.

YES! AND WHAT ABOUT HIS OBSESSION

WITH THE UMBRELLA? WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

OH. OH, YEAH. THE UMBRELLA...

UM... WAS HIS NEED FOR SHELTER...

IN A... IN AN UNFRIENDLY WORLD.

HOW ASTUTE. WELL, I'M GLAD

YOU ENJOYED IT AS MUCH AS I DID.

OH, YES, I DID.

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.

THERE'S NOTHING I ENJOY MORE

THAN CURLING UP WITH A GOOD BOOK

AND A NICE CUP OF COFFEE.

MM-HMM.

DOUG, I WAS REALLY SCORING SOME BIG POINTS ON THAT STUPID BOOK.

AND THEN YOU HAD TO GO ON RANTING TO MR. KAUFMAN

ABOUT JUAN VALDEZ AND HIS DONKEY.

I WASN'T RANTING. I WAS EDUCATING.

SWEET. MY SEEDS ARE HERE.

HELLO, FRESH RADISHES.

ENOUGH ALREADY.

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

WHAT'S MY PROBLEM?

OK. WELL, EVER SINCE YOU STOPPED EATING MEAT

AND STARTED READING, YOU'VE BEEN ACTING LIKE AN ASS.

OK? HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP THIS UP?

OK. FIRST OF ALL, DON'T LIKE THE LANGUAGE.

SECOND OF ALL, THIS IS FOREVER.

THIS IS FOR LIFE.

OH, MY GOD. WOULD YOU STOP IT ALREADY?

STOP WHAT?

THAT WHOLE THING WHERE YOU SAY SOMETHING

AND THEN PAUSE FOR EMPHASIS

AND THEN SAY THE SAME EXACT THING

ONLY SLIGHTLY DIFFERENTLY. IT'S SO SICKENING, MAN.

I GET IT.

YOU'RE... YOU'RE THREATENED BY ME.

WHAT?

YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT.

BECAUSE... I AM EVOLVING,

AND YOU-

YOU...

ARE REMAINING STAGNANT IN YOUR IGNORANT WAYS.

OK. YOU KNOW WHAT? I REALLY-I HAD ENOUGH.

THAT'S IT. OK?

I HAD ENOUGH OF THE COMPOST HEAPS

AND THE STRAW MATTRESS.

AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE, BUDDY.

YOUR READING DAYS ARE OVER. YEAH.

HEY. HEY!

THROW IT OUT! THROW OUT ALL THE BOOKS YOU WANT!

THE NEW DOUG HEFFERNAN'S HERE, AND HE AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE!

SO THE NUMBERS ARE PRETTY CLEAR,

IF YOU JUST... IF YOU JUST LOOK

AT THE COMPARISON BETWEEN-

YES? WHAT IS IT?

THIS IS FROM MY MOLE AT ULTRA BURGER.

THEY'VE GOT A WHOLE NEW BURGER.

THEY'RE TAKING IT NATIONAL ON MAY 1st.

THE BOTTOM BUN IS A PIZZA?

OH, MY GOD.

OK. LISTEN UP.

YOU ALL SCRAP WHATEVER YOU'RE WORKING ON.

WE'RE GOING TO LAUNCH OUR ANSWER TO THIS

ON THE 1st.

IF THOSE BASTARDS WANT A BURGER WAR,

WE'RE GOING TO GIVE THEM ONE.

AH...

5 PATTIES?

MAMMA MIA! THAT'S A-GONNA FALL!

THE LEANING TOWER OF PIZZA BURGER,

NOW AT ULTRA BURGER. PRICES MAY VARY.

THE SMOKEHOUSE-

IT AIN'T ABOUT LAYERS. IT'S ABOUT FLAVOR.

ONE BURGER SMOKED TO PERFECTION.

GET IT NOW AT D.C. JR.'s.

5 PATTIES?

MAMMA MIA! THAT'S A-GONNA FALL!

THE LEANING TOWER OF PIZZA BURGER,

NOW AT ULTRA BURGER.

AAH!

HEY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

CARRIE GOT ME FIRED FROM THE OTHER JOB,

BUT THIS ONE'S SO MUCH BETTER.

HERE. HAVE A COUPON.

GET AWAY FROM ME.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'LL GIVE YOU ALL THE COUPONS YOU WANT!

OH, YEAH.

GOOD NIGHT, GANG.

HE'S OK. HE'S OK.