Original subtitles

WOMAN OVER SPEAKER:

We noticed abnormal activity

on your credit card,

so we just need you

to confirm or deny

some of the recent charges.

Okay. Thank you.

$20 to Netflix?

Yeah.

$20 to Blockbuster Online?

Both?

I needed all eleven

disks of Gossip Girl

at the same time.

$120 in tuition

to Hogwarts School

of Witchcraft and Wizardry?

They give you a little wand,

and a diploma. It's fun.

What did you major in?

Potions.

You know,

I'm gonna take you

off speakerphone.

Go ahead.

Jessica Simpson

clip-in hair extensions?

No. Okay... Um,

I wore those once.

It was a money-back guarantee,

but I forgot to return them.

Man Pillow,

the pillow shaped like a man?

Oh, God.

Also something

called "Bucket of Cake."

Yeah, you know what?

I think someone

definitely stole

my credit card.

So why don't you

just cancel it?

Do you wanna hear

what else they purchased?

Yes.

No, you don't have

to refund anything.

Just cancel the credit card

and we'll all go on

with our lives. Thank you.

So, what does

a Man Pillow look like?

Daniel Craig.

It's for my lower back.

My name is Keef,

and I am your friend.

Are you guys my friends?

Yeah.

All right! Awesome!

It is playground time!

Well, we're here in Eagleton.

It's two towns over.

And we're all

volunteering for Kaboom,

a service organization

that says it builds

a playground in a day.

High five!

High five! High five!

I never trust anything

that comes that quickly.

That's why I don't

eat Minute Rice.

So this whole "build

a playground in a day" thing,

I mean, that's just

a slogan, right?

Nope. One day, 24 hours.

Keef, that is so incredible.

I mean, I work in Parks,

and I know how hard it is

to get something done.

Not if you have

the Kaboom spirit.

You can look at a problem,

and you can either go,

"Oh, this is a problem"

or you can kaboom,

blow it up and turn

it into something great.

You literally

kaboom the problem.

Come on, people!

I see more ground

than playground!

Kaboom.

Don't do that.

One, two, three.

Man, this is tough.

Yeah, but just think

of all the kids

that'll swing on this swing,

fat kids, skinny kids,

brainiacs, sluts,

the gay drama kids,

goths, jocks,

the alternative crowd.

Mmm-hmm.

Hey, Leslie. Hi.

Whoa. Ann.

What are you doing here?

Oh! I'm volunteering.

I love to volunteer.

The key to volunteering?

A lot of pockets.

For putting all the food in.

The Red Cross

has amazing cookies.

I go there all the time.

Meals On Wheels

was a bonanza.

Suicide Hotline,

surprisingly lame spread.

I thought I'd give back

to those less

fortunate than myself.

You live in a pit.

Not anymore.

Living with the drummer

of my band.

Living indoors,

pretty cool, not to brag.

Kind of hard not to.

Anyhow, got to go,

me and an old Asian lady

are double-teaming

some monkey bars. So...

Hey, look.

I got a remote control

and I'm controlling you.

Go faster. Go faster.

Go faster, Ron's the master.

Well.

You have been

officially kaboomed.

Whoa. Look at you two

and your big kabooms.

Great job. I got gifts.

Oh!

There you go, for you.

And

one more for you.

Thank you.

So, you guys gonna join us

tomorrow in Muncie?

No, I wish, but back

to the real world.

At least you guys will be

kabooming somewhere, right?

Remember,

you take a man kabooming,

he kabooms for a day.

But you teach

a man how to kaboom.

Kaboom, kaboom, kaboom.

Oh, I'm so pumped.

Feel I could

take on the world.

I could prep, like,

a thousand diagnostic tests.

In an hour.

That's the spirit.

There it is, the pit.

Hmm.

There's something

I wish I could kaboom.

Well, we are.

It's just a slow-boom.

A slower,

more deliberate kaboom.

Yeah. Totally.

See you tomorrow.

Okay.

You know what

this mess is?

This is a list of things

we have to complete

before we fill in

the pit

behind Ann's house.

You know what this is?

This is a kaboomer.

Jerry, did you use

permanent marker again?

I'm sorry, guys, I...

I just grabbed the wrong...

This is a big...

I grabbed the wrong...

This isn't gonna...

Open very big, Jerry.

Okay. Forget it.

Let's all pretend

Jerry wasn't born.

And this is clean.

How do we speed

up the process?

How do we kaboom it?

Rules, codes,

permits, red tape.

I never realized

how frustrating it is

to be in the government.

In my next life,

I'm going into

private industry.

Maybe strip mining.

Okay, everybody take

out their thinking caps

and rip them up.

Then take out

your doing caps,

'cause we're gonna

do something today.

I have a couple of

doing caps in my wallet.

That's what I call condoms.

Come on, Tom. Focus, please.

How do we cut

through the red tape

and how do we get this

pit filled in? Ideas?

We need to cut through

the red tape and get

the pit filled in.

Yes, Tom. Good.

Okay, everybody else

needs to participate.

Come on, guys.

These suggestions aren't

gonna suggest themselves.

Yes, Jerry.

This idea better be good.

Ann?

I support you.

Good.

You could petition

to expedite the Architecture

Review Board process.

Mark, buddy,

you're not listening to me.

I want to kaboom it. Okay?

Can I talk to you

outside really quick?

Sure.

Mark's gonna help me,

so thanks for nothing,

Jerry.

Good job, Ann.

So you really wanna

get this pit filled in?

Yes.

And you'll do

whatever it takes?

Mark, I am so sick

of moving like a slug.

I want to move

like a cheetah.

Or a slug driving

a remote controlled car.

Something more plausible

than that, but fast.

Would you break the rules?

I won't murder.

That's good to know.

But it's

actually very simple.

If you wanna fill in the pit,

just go fill it in.

Don't ask for permission,

ask for forgiveness.

Oh, I like that.

Okay, wow.

So who gives me the go-ahead

to not ask for permission

but ask for forgiveness?

Is it Ron?

No, no.

No. It's nobody.

It's nobody, it's you.

You have to be bold.

Okay.

Okay, look.

You wanna get

the pit filled in?

Go rent a bulldozer

and fill in the freaking pit.

Hey.

What's up?

Say you had a friend

who wanted to do

something good,

but a little risky,

and she was kind

of nervous about it,

and this friend is me.

What should I do?

Mmm. You should do it,

and you should ask

your friend to help you,

because your friend

totally has your back.

And that friend is me.

You'll help me?

Of course, I'll do

anything I can to help.

Let's do it.

Okay.

What are we doing?

Is it dangerous?

We're not gonna

murder anyone.

It was crazy.

I didn't get a single permit.

Nobody stamped anything.

All I did was

order a backhoe,

and it came with

a guy who runs it.

I've never

rented a guy before.

I wish I knew

about that during prom.

There was a girl at my prom

who was known

as "the back ho."

Mary Dunbar.

She'd let anyone

massage her back.

I'm so excited

we're doing this.

And we're doing it

without permission.

We're giving

ourselves permission.

Look, I had these

hard hats made.

Check it out. Kick, Ass.

I'll take that one.

Okay.

Oh, my God, Ann,

this is so cool.

Do you feel giddy?

Yeah.

I'm so proud of us.

Miss Montague, you ready?

I didn't wanna tell him

my real name, you know?

Yeah.

First, speech.

Is important moment here.

We are about to

fill this hole now,

not with dirt,

but with the courage

of a thousand lions

and the solemn memory

of all of our friends

who have fallen in

this cursed hole.

Dump it!

Ugh! What the.

Andy?

I'm okay.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Oh!

Well, that beeping

was sure annoying.

But this is even

more annoying.

I'll handle this.

The monitor is

not a toy, Andy.

Anything is a toy

if you play with it.

I'll chalk that up

to your concussion.

The good news is

your CAT scan's clear.

Cool.

Andy, I'm really

happy you're okay.

Leslie was worried, too.

We should've checked before

to see if you were home.

Oh, no, I told you.

I moved out of the pit.

I just had to go back

because I forgot

my headphones.

Then I laid down on

this really comfy tarp,

I saw an old cereal box

I hadn't read before,

so I must have drifted off.

Next thing you know...

Dirt.

Scooch up for one sec.

And back down.

There you go.

Ah!

That is perfect.

It's like

I'm lying in a cloud.

This is awesome.

Ann and Andy,

just like old times.

The pit works

in mysterious ways.

I'm sorry about Andy,

but I'm not sorry

about what I did.

What's my crime? I got bold?

And a little negligent?

Knope!

My office! Now!

Hey. Can I smoke in here?

You don't smoke.

Just asking if I can.

Are you high?

I'm high on kaboom.

Don't ask for permission,

ask for forgiveness.

That's right.

You never did ask me

for permission, did you?

Well, I'm sorry to

burst your k-bubble,

but I just had my ass

k-handed to me

by the City Manager.

And now this

entire department

is k-screwed.

Ron, I'm so, so, so sorry.

What the K-

were you thinking?

I would prefer

that she ask me

for my permission

so I can say no.

I like saying no.

It lowers their enthusiasm.

Hello.

So, I brought you

some clean clothes

that I found at my house.

Oh, my God.

My sexy sweater.

It has a hole cut

out over the bicep.

Thank you.

No problem.

No, A-Cakes,

seriously, thank you.

You're welcome.

No. Thank you.

No, no, no, no, no.

What... What are you...

What do you think is

happening right now?

A tragic accident

reignited feelings

you thought were long dead,

and we are finally

back together.

Andy, we're not

back together.

You know that

I'm kind of with Mark now.

Oh, God.

Is that still happening?

I don't get it.

What does he have

that I don't have?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Everything.

He has, literally,

everything you don't have.

A job, a car,

a steady income,

an address,

a second pair of shoes,

table manners,

the ability to say

"tampon" without giggling.

Mark has his life together.

I'll get you

a different nurse.

It's awful

what happened to Andy.

But sometimes

when you make an omelet,

you got to break a few eggs.

What's the alternative?

No omelets at all?

Who wants to live

in that kind of world?

Maybe birds.

Then all their

babies would live.

Miss Knope?

Miss Knope.

Hi. Scott Braddock,

City Attorney.

Hey, Scott. I didn't

know that you were

friends with Andy.

I never met him.

What I do know is that

he could sue us at

the drop of a hat.

I mean, right now,

he's the most

dangerous man in Pawnee.

Is that all you

lawyers think about?

Lawsuits, and laws

and legalese?

Yes.

Yeah. Well, you can relax.

All I'm gonna do

is go in and just say,

"We are so sorry,

it's entirely our fault..."

No, no, no, no.

You can't say

any of that.

It admits liability.

You can't say "I'm sorry,"

or "I apologize."

It implies guilt.

That's insane.

I have to apologize.

Andy was a victim...

Can't say "victim."

...of an extremely

unfortunate situation.

Can't say "unfortunate,"

and you can't

say "situation."

I can't say

the word "situation"?

No. It implies

there was a situation.

Can I give him the pig?

Yeah, the pig's fine.

Hi, Andy.

Hi, Leslie.

I got this for you.

Hope you squeal better.

Aw!

This is my friend Scott.

Hi, Scott.

Mmm-hmm.

Andy, I just wanted

to say, I am so, so...

Mmm-mmm,

mmm-mmm, mmm.

Filled with emotions,

as any person would.

What?

No miming.

Uh...

You were in the pit.

We're not

conceding that point.

You were in a place.

We're both here now.

The government...

No, no. No.

We got to go.

What?

Let's go.

Why?

Wendell Adams.

I'm Andrew's attorney.

Andy, no.

It's my only option.

Andy, stop.

I've advised my client

not to speak with you.

He's suing

the City of Pawnee.

Andy, you're suing

your hometown?

Andy, no.

Look, can we just

talk about this?

Leslie, no.

This is terrible.

Don't say "terrible."

Don't look back.

Hello?

Andy, it's Leslie.

Hello?

Hello? Andy, it's Leslie.

Psych. Leave a message

after the beep.

Andy, it's Leslie. Look.

What did you mean

when you said

it's your only option?

I think we should talk.

Without lawyers present.

If you wanna meet,

just put a white chalk "X"

on the mailbox

across the street

from City Hall.

Or call me back.

Just call me back.

Andy, why aren't you

returning my calls?

Is it because of your lawyer?

It's because of your lawyer.

Hey, Andy, it's your aunt,

your mom or dad's sister.

I don't know how

to tell you this

but your uncle has passed.

He's with Jesus now.

So we're having a memorial

in 30 minutes at City Hall.

Hey! Free guitars

at City Hall! Everybody run!

Because of a local disaster,

you, Andy Dwyer,

must go to the evacuation

center at Pawnee City Hall.

Hmm.

That was weird.

How long

have you been there?

I promise

that Andy isn't suing

just for the money.

Leslie, the man

lived in a pit. Okay?

He couldn't find

a place to live

on the Earth's surface,

so he went under the ground.

You're dealing

with a grown man

who thinks like a gopher.

I feel like if I could get

past the lawyers and find

out what's really going on,

I think I could get

him to drop the lawsuit.

ANDY OVER PHONE:

Ann, is that you?

Hey.

We need to talk

somewhere private.

Oh!

Baby, I'm back.

Thank you so...

Why are you naked?

Oh!

Well, because of

what you said.

We're getting back together.

No, we're not.

Yes, we are.

You should've heard

the super sexy stuff

she was saying to me.

I said, "Hey, Andy. It's Ann.

Can we talk at my house?"

That's not how you said it.

You were like,

"Hey, Andy. It's Ann.

Can you talk at my house?"

Oh, my God, you are

such a baby. Ugh! Literally.

Big, naked baby.

Put clothes on.

You know what?

I should have

seen this coming.

Has he showed

up naked before?

Oh, yeah. Anniversaries,

birthdays, holidays.

Good luck.

Where are you...

Hey, Ann. Just...

None of your clothes fit me.

So I'm putting an apron

over the front stuff.

Is she gone?

What did you mean

when you said this

was your only option?

Well, I'm completely broke,

and my lawyer said

it could be worth

upwards of $100,000.

I just can't believe

that you're suing

just for the money.

I want Ann back, and she

said she really needs

a guy with a lot of money.

That doesn't sound like Ann.

Well, I can't

really do her voice,

but she said she likes Mark

because he's a grown-up

with a bank account.

I put two and two together.

$100,000, I could probably

get a bank account.

Sometimes, I think

the right thing to do

is to not take shortcuts.

I mean, look,

I tried to fill in the pit,

that didn't work either.

Fine. I'll get a job.

Ann will respect that.

I can make six bucks a day

playing guitar on the street.

I can't make

six bucks a day.

Wait a second.

I know I just said that

maybe shortcuts are bad,

but I kind of just thought

of an awesome shortcut.

Mr. Dwyer, we're very happy

that you're dropping the suit.

Yeah, it's really terrific.

I have my conditions.

No. Never.

I will not negotiate

with greedy street people.

Wait, Leslie.

Let's hear him out.

We planned this.

Kaboom.

All right.

What's it gonna take?

One, I want that

pit filled in, sir.

Is there a two?

A guaranteed starting spot

in the Indianapolis Colts,

inside linebacker.

Well, we can't

accomplish that.

I think that Andy

seems like he doesn't care

so much about the second one,

and he would be fine

with us just

filling in the pit.

What do you say, Scott?

Yeah. I mean, eventually,

we're gonna fill in the pit.

"Eventually"?

I've already been injured

in that thing twice.

And I could fall

in 10 more times

by "eventually."

Every time I walk

past that pit,

I'm forced to relive

the most traumatic

two separate days of my life,

and wanna sue you again.

Well, I hate to say it,

but it really seems

like Andy has us over

a barrel here, Scott.

Yeah.

This is really happening.

I just can't believe it.

Oh, sorry. Usually,

in these situations,

a person says "pinch me."

Is that Andy?

Ah, yeah.

Just one of his conditions

for the settlement, I guess.

He settled?

Yup.

Gave up $100,000 probably

just for one thing,

the city fill in the pit

behind your house.

Why?

Who knows?

Who knows why

that gopher

does what he does?

You always hated this pit!

Goodbye, pit.

Hello, lot.

How does taking

risks make me feel?

Amazing.

Tingling sensation

throughout my whole body.

I feel flushed.

My muscles are relaxed,

yet I feel awake.

Just waves of pleasure.

I wish there was something

physical that could

make me feel this way.

Wow, you did it.

Are you thinking

what I'm thinking?

There's so much

more to do.

Oh, my God, we're so close.

Yeah.

I'm gonna call Kaboom,

and check on their

availability for next year.

Great.

Information.

Hi, yes, I'd like

the number for Kaboom,

the national playground

building charity.

I hope they can work us in.

Sorry, there's no

listing for that name.

What? Are you sure?

"Kaboom" is a word I made up.

It's not in any dictionary.

I trick people into

building playgrounds

on empty lots

in their neighborhoods.

It's an elaborate prank.

For my next prank,

I'm going to build a hospital

in a poor part of China.

They'll never see it coming.