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1 Oh, Niles, can you believe this?

I am married,

I have twins on the way, a beautiful family.

How could life get any better?

Yeah, life's a cabaret.

Well, I have some exciting news!

Let me guess. It's for her.

Darling, you remember that play I did last summer?

You mean the one where the critics said, "And

this is what he left "Chicago Hope" for?

Yes, well, anyway,

Columbia has decided to auction that dreadful thing for a film.

Oh, honey, you are so talented!

Leave it to you to take a piece of trash and turn it into a movie.

No, actually they do this sort of thing in Hollywood all the time.

If the deal goes through and I start producing, we are moving to Beverly Hills.

Oh, sweetie! Beverly Hills!

With your smarts and my style,

we could be the next Aaron and Candy Spelling!

You know, Maxwell, when we head out this weekend to close the deal,

maybe we should hang out for a few days.

Just scope things out, stay at the beach.

Five words. Over my dead body...

missy.

Darling, she meant all of us. Didn't you, C.C.?

No, I booked a romantic weekend for me and a married man

at the Malibu Inn room 308 with the Jacuzzi.

( laughs )

Of course I meant all of us.

- When are we leaving? - Tomorrow morning.

I've actually set up some appointments for you to look at houses

to rent while we're out there.

Wow!

The children are so excited to be going.

Wow.

Who is not going to be excited about our family going to California?

Hello.

Oh, my God, Ma!

Oh, I'm going to have to tell her. This is going to kill her.

Oh, don't worry, darling, we'll... we'll tell her together.

Oh, thank you, sweetie, you're so wonderful.

( Clears throat )

Come in, Sylvia.

Your daughter and I have something very important to tell you.

♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are actually smiling such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran. ♪

Darling. Darling.

Darling, we... we have something to say to your mother together.

I know, I know. Ma,

Max and I want to talk to you about... Max!

Copy-cat.

Here's the deal.

You know how you're always bragging about your son-in-law?

The big Broadway producer?

Well, soon you're going to be able to brag about your son-in-law,

the big movie producer!

Because we're all moving to California, and I'm going to be 3,000 miles away.

( laughter )

What do you think would happen

if I wore a push-up bra with this?

I think you'd suffocate.

Ma, did you hear me?

This isn't like the time when I threatened to run away

and become a Roadie for Peaches & Herbs.

We're really moving.

How do you think I would look if I lost the bra altogether?

( laughter )

Like daddy at the beach.

Ma, I'm serious. We're going to be leaving the state.

Darling, I understand. You're a grown woman now.

You have your life. I just want you to be happy.

Does my makeup look natural to you?

Yeah.

Then I need more. Love you.

So? So how did she take it?

Oh, it was unbelievable. I mean, I was expecting...

( crying )

That!

I don't want to move to California. It's a desert.

Do you have any idea how much dust collects in a desert?

And it's hot, which means she's going to be walking around in shorts.

Oh, yeah? Like the hot Californian sun bouncing off your pink thighs

is going to get you cast in "Dawson's Creek."

Oh, Niles, can you believe this?

We are shopping for a house in Beverly Hills!

I wonder who our neighbors are going to be.

Well, not everyone in Beverly Hills is a celebrity.

I mean, it's not all swimming pools and movie stars.

Well, howdy.

Niles, this is Elly May.

Hi, I'm Fran, the realtor sent us.

Oh! Come on in and sit a spell.

Well, here's the living room.

And out there's the cement pond.

Oh, your home is so gorgeous. Oh, by the way, this is Niles.

Niles, this is Elly May Clampett.

Donna Douglas.

Oh, forgive me.

Oh, it must be so annoying to you when people

always confuse you with your characters.

Uh-huh.

So, have you seen much of Jethro?

Have you noticed these high-vaulted ceilings.

Why you know, they're spectacular.

And the previous owner, he added this here skylight.

You know, it's a nice effect.

Did he also pre-pay the trapeze lessons

for the butler who's going to have to learn how to fly so he can clean it?

He sure is a bitter fella, ain't he?

Oh, my God, it's the ToneTec 2000 Intercom System.

With the voice-activated, hypersensitive speakers.

Darn, this baby picks up sign-language!

Ooh, I love L.A.

Let's sit down.

Oh, I cannot believe I am sitting with Elly May!

I mean Donna, sorry.

I'll tell you, my mother and I used to watch your show all the time together.

We just loved it.

Well, that's so sweet.

Are you and your mama close?

Like two hogs in a... oh, I can't do this.

We're close.

Oh, she lives out here too?

No, no, actually she lives in New York.

Well, her heart must be broken, you're moving so far away.

No, actually, she said that she's fine with it.

And she said that I'm a big girl and it's time for me to live my own life.

You fell for that? Oy, vey.

( laughter )

Clampett's a Jewish name?

Granny covered up her feelings the same way your ma did

when we loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly.

She said she was staying behind and she was happy for us,

but inside it was just killing her.

Oh, my God, have I been blind.

Of course that's what ma is doing.

Oh, if I move here, it's just going to break her heart.

Oh, well, you know, sugar, my critters have got a saying,

a mother can have 1,000 daughters,

but 1,000 daughters only have one mother.

A critter said that?

I tell you, Maxwell. Your play?

Impressive.

Oh. So you saw it.

No.

- Read it? - No, no.

But I've got some great ideas for the rewrite.

Nothing big.

We'll turn it into a sitcom.

Why?

Because I like funny.

Uh, Mr. Sherry, my play is an allegory

dealing with early man's struggle to survive.

So was "The Flintstones."

You... you see, Maury,

I am a man of the theater, and there is such a thing as artistic integrity.

And I can't sign this. Or I'd have an obligation to...

You can make more money in one season of a

sitcom than you can in a 10-year run of "Cats."

Do you have a pen?

You're doing the right thing, Maxwell.

Let me tell you, a lot of people are frightened of success.

They're afraid of that little voice in their heads.

Fran: Honey, don't sign, we can't move here!

Sorry, Mr. Sherry.

She snuck off the tour bus.

And if you ask me, $28 is a lot of money to charge to see Wheezy's old dressing room.

What are you doing here?

Uh, Maury, I'm so sorry. This is my wife.

How do you do, Mr. Sherry?

Hi. Oh, what a gorgeous head of hair you got there.

Tell me, does it turn yellow in the California sun?

Honey, we can't move here. Ma doesn't want us to be so far away from her, and frankly,

I don't want to be away from her either. I want

her to be a part of our twins' growing up.

Darling, I understand. Believe me, I do, but this is a terrific opportunity.

Now if I could find some way around this situation with your mother,

of course I'd take it, but...

Listen, Sheffield?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

But here's what you should do.

You bring your mother-in-law out here to live with you.

Oh, Mr. Sherry, that is a fabulous idea!

Maxwell, I see your reflection in the glass!

Oh, all right, sweetheart, all right. If it'll make you happy,

of course we'll bring your mother out here.

Oh, thank you, sweetie, I love you so much.

You know, Maury, since you like funny,

I've got a little pitch-arino, just between us.

Cops.

Funny cops.

But here's the twist.

The cell where they hold the criminals is in the squad-room.

Sucks.

Fran, the guesthouse is like one big room with a giant kitchen.

Are you sure that your mom's going to like living in a place like that?

What? Shangri-La?

What's the matter, B?

Well, I can't believe we have to leave New York just as I get a girlfriend.

Honey, you'll fold her up, put her in your suitcase,

and take her on the plane with you.

Well, that's a good idea.

Fran, how would you feel if I didn't move to California with you?

You know, honey, the critters have a saying.

Do you want to put a knife through my heart?

They're minks, Jewish critters.

( Doorbell rings )

Oh, hi, Ma.

Hi, darling, what did you want to talk to me about?

Well, I've got some thrilling news for you.

- Oh? - We're not going to have

to be separated. Your heart is not going to be broken.

What would you say if I told you

that Maxwell and I rented a house at Beverly Hills

and you and daddy are moving with us!

No, thanks.

Ma, it's okay. You can drop the act. I know that you've been covering up.

That you feel like you're heart's going to be broken

because you're not going to be with me and you really want to move with us.

No, I don't.

Ma, enough already. You're moving to California so your heart won't be broken,

and you'll be near your darn daughter.

Darling, I can't move to California. You have your life, I have mine.

What?

You shouldn't revolve your life around me.

You know, I'm not going to be around forever.

But you'll be three doors down from Rue McClanahan!

Life shouldn't revolve around her?

She won't be around forever? What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, my God!

Oh, there's something wrong with my mother!

Oh, Val, I'm so glad that you're here. I'm going crazy.

You're going crazy?

I've been here since noon, I've had three

cups of coffee, I'm ready to burst, and look.

Has ma been here?

What would your mother be doing at Krispy Kreme?

Wait, even I knew that was a stupid question.

I need to talk to her, and I can't find her anywhere.

I went to the Carnegie Deli. She's not there. I went to Pizza Hut.

She's not there. And you know she's banned from the Sizzler,

ever since she had them cater her last dinner party.

They don't cater.

Well, they do if you carry an extra-large shopping bag.

( laughter )

Fran, what's the matter?

I'm really worried.

She told me I had to get used to her not being around.

You know what that means, don't you?

Oh, Fran. It doesn't mean anything. My grandmother said the same thing to me.

She died, Val.

Yeah, but she said it before she died.

Well, I really gotta talk to her.

This is really driving me nuts. I'm going to... call my father.

Yeah.

Maybe he knows where she is.

Hi, daddy, it's... hello?

Hello? Hi? Hello? Hi? Hi, dad.

Hi. Fran. Fran! Yeah.

Where is mommy? Do you know?

Oh, the beauty parlor. Okay. Thank you.

I love you too. Love you too!

Aren't these amazing?

Bonsoir.

Today?

It's not going to happen.

Hi, I'm Fran Sheffield...

Yeah, yeah, I know who you are. We keep your

wedding picture up here for advertisement.

But I didn't get my hair done here for my wedding.

So? No one else knows that.

( laughter )

Your mother said we could use it if we comp all her bikini waxing.

Who's sorry now, huh?

Meanwhile, I've got to talk to her. Where is she?

Sylvia don't have an appointment here today.

But she told my father that she did.

Well then she's a big, fat liar.

( laughter )

I would go check out Mt. Cyanide.

The hospital?

Yeah, she goes there every Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, 4:00, 5th floor.

And she carries that imitation Prada bag and she thinks no one can tell.

But I know.

Oh, I don't believe this. Why would ma be going to a hospital?

I don't know. What am I, a Yenta?

It can't be true. It can't be true! You must be mistaken!

Maybe she's in the back getting a pedicure.

Trust me, she's not here. Those are feet one doesn't forget.

( Phone rings )

Chatterbox, how are you doing?

Today? It's not going to happen.

Oh, Ma, you're here.

Sorry, Fran, just me. Still no luck?

Oh, I have looked everywhere for her.

Look how weird her chair is empty.

I don't think I've ever seen the seat.

And all that's left is the imprint of when she was 40 lbs. heavier.

Sweetheart, where have you been?

Oh, I've been looking all over for ma. And you know what? Libby, from the Chatterbox?

She said that ma's been seeing a doctor three times a week.

Oh, honey, I think there might be something seriously wrong with her.

Darling, darling, I hardly think

you should be taking the word of a girl who answers the phones at a beauty parlor.

Oh, I don't know.

Libby is usually pretty right-on about this stuff.

And why are you auctioning your play

for $275,000 when you know you could have held out

for $300,000?

How the heck did you know that?

Oh, God, Libby?

Oh, what are we going to do?

( Knock on door )

Oh, my God, that's ma, that's ma!

I don't want her to know I know. I don't want her to get upset.

- You get the door. - Yes.

Sylvia, come on in. Um... we were just...

What's with her?

( Sobbing )

Your hair looks pretty.

Darling, what's the matter?

Oh, Ma,

I can't believe you didn't say anything.

How can you go through this all by yourself?

Why didn't you tell me if you were sick?

Sick? I'm not sick.

It's all right, Sylvia. Libby told us.

We know you're seeing a doctor.

And if you're not sick,

then why would you be going to this guy's office three times a week?

( laughter )

What's that look on your face about?

Ma...

what are you saying?

Are you telling me

that you're having an affair?

Oh, my God! How could you just go and blurt that out like that?

I'm sorry, but I do not want to discuss this.

Well, if you don't want to discuss this, too bad!

Is there a fight? Did we miss anything?

What's going on? When the two of them talk at the same time, the intercom shorts out.

Fran's having a rather delicate conversation with her mother.

I think it best we just stay out of their way till they're done.

Get away from me. Leave me alone.

No, I'd say they're done.

Ma, please. Ever since you lost the weight, she's like the Flash. Now I want an answer.

Are you having an affair?

( Clamoring )

Since when are you my keeper?

Since I heard you're being kept. Ma, doesn't

this ring on your finger mean anything?

What ring is that on your finger?

QVC. It's a ring-slash-pillbox. Now leave me alone.

Ma...

What are you? Stop giving me the third degree.

Who do you think you are?

I'm your daughter, that's who I think I am!

Just because I have the figure of a teenager,

doesn't mean I'm not a mature woman who's entitled to her privacy.

Now, nothing is going on.

If your father calls,

tell him I took the little girl brassiere shopping.

Is this unbelievable or what?

You're telling me she's having sex and I'm not?

You'll all come back now, you hear?

( Jazz music playing )