Original subtitles

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1 Fran, I've been wearing a training bra for about three months now

and what is it exactly that it trains them to do?

( laughter )

You know, honey, you really can't train 'em.

Eventually they're just going to get older and go their separate ways

( laughter )

Funny you should bring this up, since I started my diet

I went down an entire cup size.

( laughter )

What cups size did you go down to ma?

The Stanley?

( laughs )

Never mind. I'm doing good.

Even the soup that I brought over is diet.

Cabbage, tomato, onion soup mix

plus I added a little seasoning to give it some flavor.

With what?

Tortellini.

( laughter )

( knocking door )

It's Val.

Hi, sweetie.

Hi.

Fran, you are not going to believe what I got from my cousin Gigi.

What?

Two tickets to the launching party of Michael Bolton's new opera album.

Oh, my God. Michael Bolton. Wait a minute,

your cousin Gigi knows Michael Bolton?

You bet. Did you know that Gigi is responsible

for him cutting all his hair off.

Apparently, you can't say "Bolton" without spitting out your gum.

( laughter )

And for that Michael Bolton gave your schmuck cousin tickets?

( laughter )

Let me guess, the tickets fell out of

Bolton's pocket when he was beating Gigi up.

Uh-huh.

( laughter )

How lucky are we?

So you free Saturday night, Fran?

( laughs )

( laughter )

Is she free Saturday?

( laughter )

What? You're not?

( laughter )

I'd love to go.

I only wish this was something that Mr. Sheffield would invite me to. You know,

Michael Bolton, he sings such romantic songs.

Fran, you know, Daddy asked you out on the first

date. Why don't you ask him out on the second?

Ma raised me to believe that it's the man that should do the courting of the woman.

Sweetheart, I didn't know what I was saying.

( laughter )

It was the sixties, I was taking a lot of antacid.

( laughter )

You know what? I think you're right.

I am going to march myself in there

and ask Mr. Sheffield to this Michael Bolton concert!

- You go girl! - Yeah!

You know, I'm no genius, but I don't think

she's gonna be able to get tickets at this late date.

( laughter )

You really don't need the, "I'm not genius part," Val.

♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell make up but the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are actually smiling such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran ♪

Ma? Ma?

So what do you think? It's almost finished.

( laughter )

What are you, nuts? Don't you think it's a little crooked?

Not to me.

( laughter )

Ma? You're scaring me.

( laughter )

You know, our people are not talented in this regard.

That's why there's no Home Depot in Jerusalem.

( laughter )

More importantly than that,

I got up the nerve to ask Mr. Sheffield

out on a date and he said, "Yes."

Oh, I figured it when I saw the love bite on your neck.

What?

What?

( Gasps ) What is that?

Enough already, you don't have to hide.

You can have a hickey at your age.

You can have osteoporosis at your age.

( laughter )

Oh, my God. It goes all the way down my body.

Mazel tov, darling!

( laughter )

Ma, stop it. This is a terrible rash. It's disgusting.

I'm supposed to go out with Mr. Sheffield tonight.

Well, put some salve on it.

Oh, oh,

Ma this is anchovy paste.

( laughter )

Taste the dippity-do, see if it's mint jelly.

Honey, would you do me a favor?

Go over to the fragrance counter and pick me up some perfume. Here's my list.

Fran, you want me to buy 12 bottles of perfume?

Samples, honey, samples.

( laughter )

Excuse me, I'm wondering whether you can help me with-

- I remember you. - What?

Wait, don't tell me, I never forget a condition.

You came in about ticks.

- No. - Worms.

- Look... - Lice, you had head lice.

( laughter )

I knew it was a parasite.

Congratulations!

Now, if you could just keep your voice down.

I want you to tell me where I can buy something to help me with this.

Eww,

why did you show me that? It's nauseous-making.

( laughter )

Well, if you can't stand looking at a simple rash why do you work here?

It's near my house.

( laughter )

Does the rash have any oozing or odor?

- Shh. - Has it formed a crust?

Stop it!

( laughter )

Never mind. I'll go find something myself.

- Oh. - Oh.

- Miss Babcock, hi. - Miss Fine.

( laughter )

What's that in your hand?

What's that in your hand?

I think I got a fairly good look at that box.

I think I got a fairly good look at that bottle.

( laughter )

Interesting situation.

( laughter )

Certainly is.

( laughter )

Just say no one will ever know what you have,

and no one will ever know what I have.

That's all. Fine with me.

I know what you both got.

( laughter )

But a date with each of you will keep me quiet.

( laughter )

A terrible rash.

Pick me up Thursday at 8:00.

Ah, Miss Fine.

Hello.

Oh, you look absolutely brilliant.

Brilliant? Oh, that is so...

something I've never heard before.

( laughter )

I just wanted you to know that I am genuinely thrilled

you asked me out with you this evening.

Oh, that's so good

to hear, to hear.

Not only that, but I wanted to tell you that

had you not asked me out with you I would probably...

No, probably, I was actually...

You know, that is so sweet, go, get the car.

I just gotta get my purse here, I just gotta get my purse.

Oh, Miss Fine, no one wants this to happen more than I do,

but your whole body is covered with blotches.

Why don't you just cancel this evening?

( laughter )

Five years, two days,

I don't care if I've got to lose a toe and keep it on ice in my purse, I'm going.

( laughter )

Alright, why don't I go get us some cocktails?

Mm, sounds good.

( laughter )

Yeah, well, huh.

The bar's 40 deep so what do you say we have a quick dance?

- I've love to. - Come on, then.

( laughter )

Oh, I'm sorry I should have shaved before we came out.

No, it's good. It's good.

It's very good.

( Applause )

Excuse me?

Oh, oh, Michael Bolton! Oh, Michael Bolton!

Oh, I just love your voice! It's so soulful and raspy.

You know, yours is the only music that can cut through a Fine family function.

( laughter )

Thanks a lot,

I think.

Hello, Michael. Maxwell Sheffield.

Listen, congratulations on your CD. It's really wonderful.

And I just love your new look.

Oh, the big hair is just, that's just not happening any more.

Uh-huh.

- On men, on men. - Uh-huh, oh. Oh.

Michael, Michael, would you mind? I am your biggest fan.

Would you please autograph this for me?

Just do it on my back, just do it on my back.

And press hard because, that ballpoint doesn't work so good.

Yeah, to Fran, to the left, to the left,

my biggest fan, to the right, to the right,

I am very, very, very, very...

Oh, Miss Fine.

Okay. Alright. Thank you.

Thank you so much. that was really good, Michael, really good.

- I'm gonna go now. - Okay.

That is weird.

( laughter )

Presenter: Good evening. Sunday Classical and Michael Bolton welcome you

to the launching of his new Aria album.

Presenter: And now, ladies and gentlemen, Michael Bolton!

( Applause )

♪ Nessum dorma ♪

♪ Nessum dorma ♪

♪ Tu pure, o, Principessa ♪

♪ Nella tua fredda stanza ♪

♪ Guardi la stelle ♪

♪ Che tremano d'amore ♪

♪ E di speranza ♪

( laughter )

You look so beautiful tonight.

My God, I wish we were alone.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield.

( Moaning )

You don't know how good that makes me feel.

( laughter )

What do you say the two of us just, uh, slip away?

Mm, yes, yes.

Oh, I can't wait to get out of this dress.

( laughter )

Then I'll go get us a room.

Okay.

( laughter )

Here we are.

( laughter )

How about a glass of champagne?

Sounds great.

( laughter )

Ooh. Oh.

Oh.

Hey, wait for me.

( laughter )

No, you know what? I think that we should just call the house first

and make sure that everybody knows that we're gonna be a little late.

Now?

Yeah, we don't want them to worry. Hi, sweetie, hi, angel,

yeah, good, yeah, oh, yeah, oh that sounds fabulous, angel.

Yeah, oh, you wanted to tell your Daddy?

Gracie, she really wants to talk to you.

Now?

Hello, sweetheart.

Oh.

You know? If you're gonna be blabbing on the phone all night,

I am just gonna run downstairs

and get an autographed picture of Michael Bolton for mom.

Now?

I'll just be a minute. Just a minute.

Where is he? Where is he? Where's the doctor?

Dr. Cresotelli will be with you in just a moment.

Cresotelli? This is a matter of life or death.

I need a Glittman or a Schwartz.

( laughter )

Hi.

Thank you.

I'm Dr. Cresotelli, how we doing?

Oh, I've been better, I have a terrible, terrible rash.

Can you just give me a minute I need to settle in. You're my first patient.

Of the night?

No, ever.

( laughter )

Wait a minute, Cresotelli, Cresotelli,

you wouldn't happen to be Frankie Cresotelli from Parson's Junior High?

Yeah, yeah, best six years of my life.

( laughter )

Wait, I know you... you're Fran...

Finay?

It's Fine, again, they didn't buy it.

( laughter )

How did you ever become a doctor? You couldn't even play Operation.

Just, calm down, real people are a lot bigger than that little cardboard guy.

( laughter )

I know I saw a Lieberman out there.

( laughter )

Fran, take it easy, that was a long time ago.

I'm a professional now.

- Okay, I'm sorry. - Let's have a looksie.

Okay.

Oh.

( laughter )

What's the matter? What's the matter?

Oh, God. ( clears throat )

Uh, nothing.

I can, uh, I can take care of that.

( laughter )

With a shot.

( laughter )

Fine, give me anything.

The man of my dreams is right across the street in a beautiful hotel room

and he's finally ready to get intimate.

( laughter )

Um, I'm going to give you this shot of cortisone,

that should straighten you right out, okay.

I'm going to give it to you in your rear because there'll be a lot less pain

in a big fleshy area.

( laughter )

I take it you got a D in bedside manner, Frankie.

There we go.

Oh, oh, wow.

Gee, you know,

I think that the itching's stopped already.

Why could it be working this fast?

It goes into the bloodstream.

Oh, my God, Frankie, thank you, thank you. Wish me luck.

Good luck.

Okay, bye.

Oh, hey, wait a minute, are you allergic to any medication?

( laughter )

I should have asked that first, right?

( laughter )

Secretary: Dr. Kline, paging Dr. Kline.

Well, okay, sweetheart.

Well, it sounds like you had a really very fun day.

( laughter )

Wait, wait, wait, wait, there's more.

So I go over to Susie's house and her cousin,

what's her name, Niles?

Lily.

Oh, yeah, yeah, Lily.

She is so funny, Daddy.

What?

Oh, Daddy wants to talk to you.

Yes, sir.

Put her to bed!

( laughter )

Fran: Mr. Sheffield, I'm back.

Wait right there. Don't you move. Don't move a thing.

Okay. Oh, how long

have we dreamt of this moment?

Here we...

( laughter )

Well, what's the matter?

( laughter )

Oh, oh, oh.

( laughter )

Oh!

Oh, my God.

( Shrieking )

Miss Fine! Don't panic Don't panic. It's gonna be okay.

( Shrieking )

Calm down. It's gonna be alright.

What happened to my face? What happened to my face?

No, no, no, Miss Fine.

No!

Oh, maybe we need to bring in a specialist.

( laughter )

Or at least a doctor with two days experience.

( laughter )

This reaction happens sometimes with cortisone, predisone,

Toblerone. ( laughs )

( laughter )

Doctor, I have an enlarged daughter.

( laughter )

Do something!

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

you're never gonna find me attractive again.

Oh, Miss Fine, don't you be ridiculous.

There's two, three, six times as much of you to love.

( laughter )

Oh, that's very sweet.

Kill me, Frankie, kill me.

( laughter )

I'm gonna give you a shot to counteract the cortisone, okay?

It won't hurt a bit.

I just need to find a big

fleshy pinky anything.

Miss Fine,

we traced your original rash to a food allergen.

Have you recently had any gourds, pumpkins, squash?

No, no,

wasn't in any of that chicken you made, Niles, last night, was it?

Of course not, that was just roast chicken with sage.

Sage, I am allergic to sage

Oh, really?

( laughter )

I thought thyme was your enemy.

( laughter )

Excuse me, doctor,

but if someone jazzed up a diet soup

with pumpkin tortellini filled with squash

and she ate it, would it be my fault?

Ma!

Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry,

I'm so sorry.

Maxwell, there's a horrifying glimpse of the future.

The 250 pound apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

( laughter )

( applause )

Good morning, miss Fine. I'm glad to see you're all back to normal.

Yeah, much better, thank you.

You know,

it's a real pity we were interrupted.

I thought maybe tonight we could

pick up where we left off?

Mm. You know Mr. Sheffield,

I really prefer when things are kind of spontaneous.

( Sighs )

( laughter )

Yeah, perhaps you're right.

Maybe it's a sign we should wait.

We'll know when the time is right.

I could kill you, ma.

( laughter )

( applause )