All language subtitles for The.nanny.S05E05.DVDRip.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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Well, it's been five
days and I haven't lost

a single pound on this
darn liquid diet.

Maybe because it's gin.

( laughter )

Nanny Fine, how do you eat
like that and stay so thin?

I have a very fast metabolism. Every
time I think about how old I am

and the fact that I'm still
single my heart starts racing.

Niles, were you listening in on the terrace
when I had my meeting with our accountant?

I most certainly was not.

Good, 'cause I just had
the French doors painted.

Oh, well,
I'll warn the children.

( laughter )

Good God, man, is it so bloody important
for you to know how much I'm worth?

Niles, you have paint on you.

( laughter )

So do you...

( phone rings )

Sir, I wasn't snooping.
I was cleaning. Honestly.

Keeping this house in order
is a round-the-clock

job. I hardly have
time to skulk about.

Niles, it's the spy shop. Your
night vision goggles are in.

( laughter )

Let that be the last time
I catch you snooping.

And tomorrow I'm disconnecting
that bloody intercom.

Oh, sir, not the lifeline.

( laughter )

Honestly, if I were Mrs. Sheffield,
my first act would be...

well, my second act,

would be to fire
that no good lint trap.

If you were Mrs. Sheffield,
please hang up and dial again.

( laughter )

I am perfect for Maxwell.
I am dependable, respectable,

and men are always drawn
to my classic Swedish features.

So you're a Volvo.

( laughter )

Unfortunately for you, Mr. Sheffield
wants to get his hands on something

a little sportier
that he can take the top down.

( laughter )

Well, you know,
obviously we disagree.

What do you wanna do? Dress up
like piñatas, blindfold Maxwell,

give him a stick and see which
one of us he whacks first?

( laughter )

No, I was going to say that we should get
an impartial third party to be the judge.

But, you know, your way is a nice
tip of the hat to Mexican culture.

An impartial third party.
Like who?

Well, like, uh, Dr.
Joyce Brothers. I met her once.

She's very smart. She was on
Hollywood Squares. She knows things.

( laughter )

Oh!

♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
in one of those crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do, where was she
to go, she was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell make up
but the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair, she was
there, that's how she became the Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed
that the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly
what the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father
finds her beguiling ♪

♪ watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are actually
smiling such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl from Flushing,
the Nanny named Fran. ♪

Oh, thank you, Dr. Joyce
Brothers, thank you.

Oh, it's all set. She's going to come
over and observe us with Mr. Sheffield

and determine who will make
the better wife.

- You're kidding!
- No.

She has a great deal
of respect for our experiment.

She has a musical
she wants to pitch to Maxwell?

Wrote a score for nuts.

( laughter )

Well, let's just keep this between
us, because if Maxwell finds out

neither one of us
will have a shot at him

and he'll think
we're both morons.

Good, I couldn't agree more.
Oh, and you know what?

In case he does find out,

let's just tell him
that Val thought of it,

that won't be a tough sell.

( laughter )

What are you doing?

Nothing...

( laughter )

And with my Vinnie Barbarino
glass from Chevron?

You see, this is why
we cannot have nice things.

( laughter )

You know, even if I could keep Dr.
Brothers coming here a secret,

and I wouldn't
take those odds to Vegas,

( laughter )

how do you plan to explain
her presence to Mr. Sheffield?

The woman deals with
the psychologically deranged.

She could be here for ma, me,

Gracie, and let me tell
you something, mister,

you ain't far from
the top of the list.

( laughter )

And don't you blab! I will know!

Because Mr. Sheffield
always acts self-conscious

when he knows he's
being watched.

( laughter )

What?

( laughter )

- Nothing.
- Nothing.

Well, why are you staring at me?

What? Go about your business.
Do what you're doing.

Well, I can't now, you're watching me.
It's makes me feel very uncomfortable.

( laughter )

So much for making amateur
videos on our honeymoon.

( laughter )

I just hate these credit
applications. Date of birth...

"Not applicable."

Mm.

Sex? Five years ago, Tuesday.

Well, what do you need another
credit card for anyway?

I wanna get credit so I can buy some new
outfits to impress Dr. Joyce Brothers.

I mean, look at me, Val, I look like a
cheap tart. And not in the good way.

( laughter )

Yeah, but I think under salary
you made a mistake.

Well, that's because last time I put
my real salary on an application

they sent me food stamps
and a box of government cheese.

( laughter )

You know, I remember that. It had
a surprisingly tangy aftertaste.

( laughter )

You know, maybe I shouldn't put 50 grand
down. It sounds like I'm trying too hard.

Yeah, 50's too much.

Make it 49.99.

That's how they sucked me in
on the Abdominizer.

Yeah. That's good.

( Sighs )

( laughter )

♪ When I get that feeling,
I want sexual healing ♪

♪ Sexual healing ♪

♪ It's something that's good
for me ♪

( laughter )

( thinking ) Oh, crap, I
dusted through Rosie.

( laughter )

I can't believe she's applying
for another credit card.

And I really shouldn't snoop,

but maybe I'm a reference, in which
case I have a right to know.

( laughter )

Where's age?

Age, age, age, age.

Ah, this must have been age.

( laughter )

Let's see... salary.

Sir, I demand a raise!

Niles, I am actually in the room, so you
might want to rehearse this somewhere else.

( laughter )

I am saying it to your
face, this time. I

demand a salary increase,
and I demand it now.

Well, that certainly took
a lot of backbone, I must say.

You know, normally,
my answer would be no.

But based on your bold approach,
my answer is 'hell no!'

( laughter )

How dare you come barging in here like that
making demands? Can't you see I'm busy?

Yes, I know how much effort goes into
ordering an air-conditioned pit helmet

from The Sharper Image.

( laughter )

Niles, what exactly brought on this
sudden surge of greed, anyway?

Well, I was upstairs, looking
through Miss... Miss Magazine.

( laughter )

Did you know that like many women in
today's marketplace I too am underpaid?

Well, I happen to think
you're very well-paid,

for drinking my brandy,
smoking my cigars

and giving conducted tours
of the house

when I'm not here saying it
belongs to Jacqueline Onassis.

( laughter )

Bouvier, before she was married.

( laughter )

Niles, if it wasn't for me,

you would still have that summer job
playing ukulele on some London sidewalk

with your partner Larry.

Well, at least Larry treated me
like a human.

Well, of course he treated you like
a human, he was a bloody monkey.

( laughter )

Look, if you're not happy here, perhaps
it's time you made other arrangements.

Alright, then, you repressed
tightwad. I quit.

Oh good, go and quit then! Go!

By the way, there was a call from someone
who wants to back your new show.

Well, who was it?

It was...

( door slams )

( laughter )

Oh, my God, Niles,
did I just hear you quit?

Mm.

How can you after all you two
have been through together?

Do you remember when Mr. Sheffield
had that horrible contagious flu?

You were the only one
that he would let in his room.

( laughter )

Yes, it's memories like that that will
sustain me until I get to the curb outside.

( laughter )

Oh, Mr. Sheffield! You can't just let
Niles go. You're making a big mistake.

He's my best friend.

( Sniff )

Oh, God, do you smell delicious.

( laughter )

What is that?

Are you wearing Aramis?

( laughter )

You can forget it, Miss Fine.
My mind is made up.

Niles is nosey, greedy,
surly and he's gone.

Now, as lady of the house, I want you to
start finding a replacement immediately.

Oh, come on. You want me to replace
my best... "lady of the house?"

( laughter )

You know, that Niles could be
surly from time to time.

( laughter )

What's going on?

Niles quit!

( Applause )

( doorbell )

I'll get it.

Oh, hi, ma,
what are you doing here?

Don't you remember, we're having
lunch with Anne Frieda?

It's the anniversary
of her husband's death.

Oh, which husband?

Well, since she's married seven,

she decided to lump them all
together like President's Day.

( laughter )

Well, as much as I'd
love to watch you and

Frieda fight over who
gets the chicken butt,

( laughter )

I've really got to find
a replacement for Niles.

I can't believe he quit,
it's so sad.

I know.

I can still smell
his chicken cacciatore.

It's like when you lose a limb
and you swear it's still there.

( laughter )

( doorbell rings )

That's Frieda. Ma, you be nice.

Well, now that my sister-in-law
Frieda is a millionaire,

let's see if, God forbid,
she brings cake.

( laughter )

Ma, you're going out to lunch. Why do
you need a cake? Oh, for the cab ride.

( laughter )

- Hi, Frieda.
- Hi.

Hi, Syl.

( laughter )

Oh, Sylvia I love the lighter rinse
you're putting on your hair.

You know, it's nice, when you get a
little older, to go a little softer.

Like your tuckus.

( laughter )

So, where's Mr. Hunky Butler?

Oh, Hunky went out the door-ey.

You mean he quit?

Oh, well, maybe he left a little
chicken cacciatore in a ziplock?

Been there, done that.

( laughter )

You know, Frieda, I was just gonna say,
I mean, it's kind of awkward for me,

but since you're so loaded
and you've got so much money...

Franele, say no more.

You're mishpucha.
Here, darling.

Oh, no, Frieda, I just meant
I thought you should hire Niles.

Oh.

( laughter )

I don't know. A butler?

You know, I'm just not comfortable bossing
people around. Sylvia, a cold drink.

Move it.

( laughter )

I'll dance on your grave
someday.

You know, maybe I could use some help.
I've got all that Lardo porcelain to dust.

Frieda, it's Lladro.

( laughter )

You can pronounce it.
I can afford it.

( laughter )

- Miss Fine?
- Yeah, What's the matter?

I just wanted to let you know
you can call off the search.

C.C.'s found the perfect butler,
with sterling credentials

I might add.
I'm very pleased.

- Oh.
- Thank you, C.C.

Hehe. You're welcome, honey.

( laughter )

Did you hear that?

He's pleased with the help I hired.
I think Dr. Brothers would approve.

Alright, you win.

When me and Mr. Sheffield get
married you can hire all the help.

( laughter )

Alright, girls, well, it looks like I
can have lunch with you after all.

Ooh, how about Mexican?

Nah, I'm in the mood
for matzo ball soup.

Have you tried Casa de Haddasah?

No, I hear they have great
fajitos, kosher fajitos...

Oh, my God, they've got
a tequila sunrise sunset.

And, finally, Trevor, this is
the kitchen, your domain.

We have the butler's pantry on the
left, the wine cellar on the right,

and the trampy nanny on her ass.

( laughter )

Listen, Trevor, let's just get one
thing straight right off the bat,

you took my best friend's job, so you
and I are not going to be compadres.

As long as we're being honest, I don't
want your mother dropping by incessantly.

A woman her age should be retired
and living in a warm climate.

( laughter )

You know, I got two
tickets for Red Saturday

night, what do you
say we go together?

( laughter )

And, as for your attire,

it is inappropriate
for the nanny to be seen

in such revealing outfits in front
of the master and his children.

Please,
if I wanted to be revealing,

I could have unbuttoned these buttons
and I wouldn't have worn a bra.

Oh, woo, peek-a-boo.

( laughter )

How can you stand him?

I mean, he's so cold,
stuffy and repressed.

I know, honey,
but he is your father.

Oh, you meant Trevor?

Why are you children still here?
You should be in school.

Oh, Fran is taking us to Maury
Povich to see that 80-pound baby.

Mm.

Here, dad doesn't need to know.

Excuse me,
but I cannot be bribed.

This one's gonna be trouble.

( laughter )

( laughter )

Oh, my God, Frieda.

( laughter )

I know. It took forever to paper
up those carved mahogany walls.

( laughter )

But, don't judge it now.

When I get my furniture out of storage,
it will fill in all those bare spots.

( laughter )

Listen, Frieda, I want
to talk to you about Niles.

I want him back, and you can get
anyone to do what he does around here.

Niles:
Oh, Frieda! It's booty call!

( laughter )

Niles, you hussy you.

Don't knock it, baby.

You're wearing a diamond ring?

And a dental plan!

( laughter )

I'm shag-a-delic, baby.

( laughter )

Oh, Franny, it's so nice to have
a man around the house.

Nilesy, I'm going
to start the bath.

Don't be long,
my private dancer.

( laughter )

Niles, I don't believe you.

Dressing up in sexy clothes,
throwing yourself at your boss.

It's sick, sick, sick,
sick, sick.

( laughter )

Well, it seems the only way
I can make your high salary

is to shake my groove thing
with aunt Frieda.

What do you mean,
'my high salary'?

I saw your credit card application. You
put down that you make $50,000 a year.

Oh, I had to. That's the same thing
when I tell Mr. Sheffield that I'm 29.

I'm seeking "approval."

( laughter )

Now, come on,
I'm taking you home.

No, no, I will not have Mr.
Sheffield constantly

calling me a "snoop."
I have my dignity.

Frieda: Nilesy, put on the bell with
the Speedo with the bull's-eye.

( laughter )

Look, it's too late
to come back now.

I've made Frieda's bed,

and now I have to lie in it.

( laughter )

Well, fine.

Just remember, I've been working with Mr.
Sheffield almost five years,

and still I haven't slept with him.
It's official. I'm a schmuck.

( laughter )

I fixed you a drink,
Miss Babcock.

I thought you might be nervous
about Dr. Brothers' visit.

I hope she picks you.

( laughter )

Trevor, it doesn't matter.
I'm not going anywhere.

Nanny Fine might be dumb enough to honor
our deal, but I'm in show business.

My promises don't mean squat.

( laughter )

Oh, Nanny Fine, that is low!

Well, I had to pull out the big guns.
You went to finishing school!

I had trouble finishing school.

( Doorbell rings )

Well, you look ridiculous.

That is a cheap, dowdy,
matronly sack.

( laughter )

On you it sings!

( laughter )

Hello, C.C. Babcock, everyone's
choice for Mrs. Sheffield.

( laughter )

Hi, Dr. Brothers,
good to see you again.

( laughs )

You know, I don't want you to feel any
pressure at all to pick me, you know,

just because I could get Mr. Sheffield
to listen to your score for Nuts.

I'm a professional, dear,

you can't play
passive-aggressive with me.

Oh, well, what do you say
to this? I got a rich aunt.

There's more where
that came from.

( laughter )

No?

Dr. Brothers, you don't need her.
I am in show business.

I can arrange that pitch a
meeting with Maxwell. I promise.

( laughter )

Ma, where did you come from?

( laughter )

The butler wouldn't let me in.

The boy had to help me
up the trellis.

( laughter )

The Sheffield line ends here,
okay?

( laughter )

I want to come back,
hide me please?

What happened?

I can handle the Jacuzzis,
and giving the oil massages,

I can even suck on a big toe the size of
a Louisville Slugger but I will not...

do windows.

( laughter )

Frieda:
Nilesy!

Oh, God, Sasquatch.

( Arguing )

Quiet!

Trevor, what the hell
is going on in my house?

I wouldn't know, I don't get
involved in other people's business.

Well, that's not much
bloody good to me, is it?

( laughter )

You're fired.

( Cheering )

- You, you're rehired.
- Do I get a raise?

- No!
- I'll take it.

( laughter )

- Hello.
- Hello.

Miss Fine, what is Dr. Joyce
Brothers doing in my sitting room?

Well, if you must know,
she's here to decide

whether me or Miss Babcock
is more right for you.

Not that
it's any of your business.

( laughter )

What? You can't be serious.

You two have turned into
a couple of complete morons.

- It was Val's idea.
- It was Val's idea.

( laughter )

Dr. Brothers, I don't know under what
pretence these two got you here,

but I do apologize
for their lunacy.

No problem.

Act one: a lone,
schizophrenic prostitute sings.

( laughter )

♪ I stabbed a man in the guts ♪

♪ Now they call me nuts ♪

♪ But I can't help it ♪

( laughter )

( applause )

Yes, and this is the room
where Miss Bouviere first met...

Niles!

Tour is over, no refunds.

( laughter )

( applause )