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1
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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
00:00:02,367 --> 00:00:05,061
Well, it's been five
days and I haven't lost
2
00:00:05,073 --> 00:00:07,538
a single pound on this
darn liquid diet.
3
00:00:07,606 --> 00:00:08,907
Maybe because it's gin.
4
00:00:08,974 --> 00:00:10,875
( laughter )
5
00:00:12,678 --> 00:00:16,681
Nanny Fine, how do you eat
like that and stay so thin?
6
00:00:16,748 --> 00:00:20,418
I have a very fast metabolism. Every
time I think about how old I am
7
00:00:20,486 --> 00:00:23,955
and the fact that I'm still
single my heart starts racing.
8
00:00:24,023 --> 00:00:27,859
Niles, were you listening in on the terrace
when I had my meeting with our accountant?
9
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,460
I most certainly was not.
10
00:00:29,528 --> 00:00:31,663
Good, 'cause I just had
the French doors painted.
11
00:00:31,730 --> 00:00:33,297
Oh, well,
I'll warn the children.
12
00:00:33,365 --> 00:00:37,168
( laughter )
13
00:00:37,303 --> 00:00:43,040
Good God, man, is it so bloody important
for you to know how much I'm worth?
14
00:00:43,108 --> 00:00:46,043
Niles, you have paint on you.
15
00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:49,347
( laughter )
16
00:00:49,415 --> 00:00:51,249
So do you...
17
00:00:51,316 --> 00:00:53,217
( phone rings )
18
00:00:53,286 --> 00:00:57,222
Sir, I wasn't snooping.
I was cleaning. Honestly.
19
00:00:57,289 --> 00:00:59,793
Keeping this house in order
is a round-the-clock
20
00:00:59,805 --> 00:01:01,859
job. I hardly have
time to skulk about.
21
00:01:01,927 --> 00:01:04,862
Niles, it's the spy shop. Your
night vision goggles are in.
22
00:01:04,930 --> 00:01:06,931
( laughter )
23
00:01:06,999 --> 00:01:09,934
Let that be the last time
I catch you snooping.
24
00:01:10,002 --> 00:01:12,870
And tomorrow I'm disconnecting
that bloody intercom.
25
00:01:12,938 --> 00:01:14,272
Oh, sir, not the lifeline.
26
00:01:14,340 --> 00:01:15,907
( laughter )
27
00:01:15,974 --> 00:01:20,946
Honestly, if I were Mrs. Sheffield,
my first act would be...
28
00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:23,648
well, my second act,
29
00:01:23,715 --> 00:01:26,685
would be to fire
that no good lint trap.
30
00:01:26,752 --> 00:01:31,689
If you were Mrs. Sheffield,
please hang up and dial again.
31
00:01:31,757 --> 00:01:33,958
( laughter )
32
00:01:34,026 --> 00:01:38,062
I am perfect for Maxwell.
I am dependable, respectable,
33
00:01:38,130 --> 00:01:41,266
and men are always drawn
to my classic Swedish features.
34
00:01:41,333 --> 00:01:42,634
So you're a Volvo.
35
00:01:42,702 --> 00:01:44,669
( laughter )
36
00:01:44,737 --> 00:01:48,339
Unfortunately for you, Mr. Sheffield
wants to get his hands on something
37
00:01:48,407 --> 00:01:52,610
a little sportier
that he can take the top down.
38
00:01:52,678 --> 00:01:54,246
( laughter )
39
00:01:54,313 --> 00:01:57,048
Well, you know,
obviously we disagree.
40
00:01:57,116 --> 00:01:59,817
What do you wanna do? Dress up
like piñatas, blindfold Maxwell,
41
00:01:59,885 --> 00:02:02,954
give him a stick and see which
one of us he whacks first?
42
00:02:03,022 --> 00:02:05,156
( laughter )
43
00:02:05,223 --> 00:02:11,229
No, I was going to say that we should get
an impartial third party to be the judge.
44
00:02:11,296 --> 00:02:14,799
But, you know, your way is a nice
tip of the hat to Mexican culture.
45
00:02:16,168 --> 00:02:18,837
An impartial third party.
Like who?
46
00:02:18,905 --> 00:02:23,708
Well, like, uh, Dr.
Joyce Brothers. I met her once.
47
00:02:23,776 --> 00:02:28,046
She's very smart. She was on
Hollywood Squares. She knows things.
48
00:02:28,114 --> 00:02:29,214
( laughter )
49
00:02:33,752 --> 00:02:34,752
Oh!
50
00:02:40,659 --> 00:02:43,494
♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing, Queens ♪
51
00:02:43,562 --> 00:02:46,864
♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
in one of those crushing scenes ♪
52
00:02:46,932 --> 00:02:51,703
♪ What was she to do, where was she
to go, she was out on her fanny ♪
53
00:02:51,770 --> 00:02:54,372
♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪
54
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:57,709
♪ She was there to sell make up
but the father saw more ♪
55
00:02:57,777 --> 00:03:02,747
♪ She had style, she had flair, she was
there, that's how she became the Nanny ♪
56
00:03:02,814 --> 00:03:05,416
♪ Who would have guessed
that the girl we described ♪
57
00:03:05,484 --> 00:03:07,718
♪ Was just exactly
what the doctor prescribed? ♪
58
00:03:07,786 --> 00:03:09,421
♪ Now, the father
finds her beguiling ♪
59
00:03:09,488 --> 00:03:11,223
♪ watch out, C.C. ♪
60
00:03:11,290 --> 00:03:13,724
♪ And the kids are actually
smiling such joie de vivre ♪
61
00:03:13,759 --> 00:03:18,896
♪ She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan ♪
62
00:03:18,964 --> 00:03:22,233
♪ The flashy girl from Flushing,
the Nanny named Fran. ♪
63
00:03:26,339 --> 00:03:29,540
Oh, thank you, Dr. Joyce
Brothers, thank you.
64
00:03:29,608 --> 00:03:33,010
Oh, it's all set. She's going to come
over and observe us with Mr. Sheffield
65
00:03:33,145 --> 00:03:35,379
and determine who will make
the better wife.
66
00:03:35,447 --> 00:03:36,847
- You're kidding!
- No.
67
00:03:36,915 --> 00:03:39,384
She has a great deal
of respect for our experiment.
68
00:03:39,451 --> 00:03:41,819
She has a musical
she wants to pitch to Maxwell?
69
00:03:41,887 --> 00:03:43,220
Wrote a score for nuts.
70
00:03:43,288 --> 00:03:45,723
( laughter )
71
00:03:45,791 --> 00:03:48,893
Well, let's just keep this between
us, because if Maxwell finds out
72
00:03:48,961 --> 00:03:50,828
neither one of us
will have a shot at him
73
00:03:50,896 --> 00:03:52,330
and he'll think
we're both morons.
74
00:03:52,398 --> 00:03:55,232
Good, I couldn't agree more.
Oh, and you know what?
75
00:03:55,300 --> 00:03:56,867
In case he does find out,
76
00:03:56,935 --> 00:03:59,015
let's just tell him
that Val thought of it,
77
00:03:59,071 --> 00:04:00,538
that won't be a tough sell.
78
00:04:00,605 --> 00:04:02,072
( laughter )
79
00:04:02,140 --> 00:04:03,775
What are you doing?
80
00:04:03,842 --> 00:04:04,842
Nothing...
81
00:04:04,877 --> 00:04:07,011
( laughter )
82
00:04:07,079 --> 00:04:10,981
And with my Vinnie Barbarino
glass from Chevron?
83
00:04:11,049 --> 00:04:13,251
You see, this is why
we cannot have nice things.
84
00:04:13,319 --> 00:04:15,686
( laughter )
85
00:04:15,754 --> 00:04:18,823
You know, even if I could keep Dr.
Brothers coming here a secret,
86
00:04:18,890 --> 00:04:20,791
and I wouldn't
take those odds to Vegas,
87
00:04:20,859 --> 00:04:22,226
( laughter )
88
00:04:22,294 --> 00:04:25,663
how do you plan to explain
her presence to Mr. Sheffield?
89
00:04:25,731 --> 00:04:28,599
The woman deals with
the psychologically deranged.
90
00:04:28,667 --> 00:04:30,869
She could be here for ma, me,
91
00:04:30,936 --> 00:04:33,087
Gracie, and let me tell
you something, mister,
92
00:04:33,099 --> 00:04:34,939
you ain't far from
the top of the list.
93
00:04:35,007 --> 00:04:37,208
( laughter )
94
00:04:37,276 --> 00:04:39,911
And don't you blab! I will know!
95
00:04:39,979 --> 00:04:42,113
Because Mr. Sheffield
always acts self-conscious
96
00:04:42,125 --> 00:04:43,614
when he knows he's
being watched.
97
00:04:45,250 --> 00:04:47,251
( laughter )
98
00:04:47,319 --> 00:04:48,586
What?
99
00:04:48,653 --> 00:04:50,621
( laughter )
100
00:04:50,689 --> 00:04:51,822
- Nothing.
- Nothing.
101
00:04:51,891 --> 00:04:53,724
Well, why are you staring at me?
102
00:04:53,792 --> 00:04:57,128
What? Go about your business.
Do what you're doing.
103
00:04:57,196 --> 00:05:00,064
Well, I can't now, you're watching me.
It's makes me feel very uncomfortable.
104
00:05:00,132 --> 00:05:02,099
( laughter )
105
00:05:02,167 --> 00:05:05,002
So much for making amateur
videos on our honeymoon.
106
00:05:05,137 --> 00:05:06,504
( laughter )
107
00:05:09,508 --> 00:05:13,410
I just hate these credit
applications. Date of birth...
108
00:05:13,412 --> 00:05:15,046
"Not applicable."
109
00:05:15,114 --> 00:05:16,114
Mm.
110
00:05:18,050 --> 00:05:21,719
Sex? Five years ago, Tuesday.
111
00:05:21,786 --> 00:05:24,288
Well, what do you need another
credit card for anyway?
112
00:05:24,356 --> 00:05:29,260
I wanna get credit so I can buy some new
outfits to impress Dr. Joyce Brothers.
113
00:05:29,327 --> 00:05:33,998
I mean, look at me, Val, I look like a
cheap tart. And not in the good way.
114
00:05:34,066 --> 00:05:35,399
( laughter )
115
00:05:35,467 --> 00:05:38,770
Yeah, but I think under salary
you made a mistake.
116
00:05:38,837 --> 00:05:42,077
Well, that's because last time I put
my real salary on an application
117
00:05:42,141 --> 00:05:44,943
they sent me food stamps
and a box of government cheese.
118
00:05:45,010 --> 00:05:46,745
( laughter )
119
00:05:46,812 --> 00:05:51,616
You know, I remember that. It had
a surprisingly tangy aftertaste.
120
00:05:51,684 --> 00:05:54,051
( laughter )
121
00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:58,389
You know, maybe I shouldn't put 50 grand
down. It sounds like I'm trying too hard.
122
00:05:58,457 --> 00:06:00,592
Yeah, 50's too much.
123
00:06:00,659 --> 00:06:03,160
Make it 49.99.
124
00:06:03,228 --> 00:06:05,496
That's how they sucked me in
on the Abdominizer.
125
00:06:05,564 --> 00:06:06,598
Yeah. That's good.
126
00:06:14,239 --> 00:06:15,272
( Sighs )
127
00:06:24,750 --> 00:06:26,317
( laughter )
128
00:06:30,155 --> 00:06:34,992
♪ When I get that feeling,
I want sexual healing ♪
129
00:06:35,060 --> 00:06:38,296
♪ Sexual healing ♪
130
00:06:38,363 --> 00:06:41,266
♪ It's something that's good
for me ♪
131
00:06:41,333 --> 00:06:46,170
( laughter )
132
00:06:49,041 --> 00:06:52,142
( thinking ) Oh, crap, I
dusted through Rosie.
133
00:06:52,210 --> 00:06:53,844
( laughter )
134
00:06:53,913 --> 00:06:57,882
I can't believe she's applying
for another credit card.
135
00:06:57,950 --> 00:07:00,017
And I really shouldn't snoop,
136
00:07:00,085 --> 00:07:03,254
but maybe I'm a reference, in which
case I have a right to know.
137
00:07:03,322 --> 00:07:05,189
( laughter )
138
00:07:05,257 --> 00:07:06,891
Where's age?
139
00:07:06,959 --> 00:07:08,759
Age, age, age, age.
140
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:10,794
Ah, this must have been age.
141
00:07:10,862 --> 00:07:13,097
( laughter )
142
00:07:14,666 --> 00:07:16,601
Let's see... salary.
143
00:07:19,070 --> 00:07:21,305
Sir, I demand a raise!
144
00:07:21,373 --> 00:07:25,676
Niles, I am actually in the room, so you
might want to rehearse this somewhere else.
145
00:07:25,744 --> 00:07:27,879
( laughter )
146
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:30,705
I am saying it to your
face, this time. I
147
00:07:30,717 --> 00:07:33,817
demand a salary increase,
and I demand it now.
148
00:07:33,885 --> 00:07:37,488
Well, that certainly took
a lot of backbone, I must say.
149
00:07:37,555 --> 00:07:39,890
You know, normally,
my answer would be no.
150
00:07:39,958 --> 00:07:44,295
But based on your bold approach,
my answer is 'hell no!'
151
00:07:44,363 --> 00:07:46,764
( laughter )
152
00:07:46,832 --> 00:07:51,802
How dare you come barging in here like that
making demands? Can't you see I'm busy?
153
00:07:51,870 --> 00:07:54,870
Yes, I know how much effort goes into
ordering an air-conditioned pit helmet
154
00:07:54,906 --> 00:07:56,207
from The Sharper Image.
155
00:07:56,274 --> 00:07:58,776
( laughter )
156
00:07:58,844 --> 00:08:03,114
Niles, what exactly brought on this
sudden surge of greed, anyway?
157
00:08:03,182 --> 00:08:06,450
Well, I was upstairs, looking
through Miss... Miss Magazine.
158
00:08:06,519 --> 00:08:08,386
( laughter )
159
00:08:08,453 --> 00:08:13,157
Did you know that like many women in
today's marketplace I too am underpaid?
160
00:08:14,693 --> 00:08:17,662
Well, I happen to think
you're very well-paid,
161
00:08:17,729 --> 00:08:19,897
for drinking my brandy,
smoking my cigars
162
00:08:19,965 --> 00:08:21,866
and giving conducted tours
of the house
163
00:08:21,934 --> 00:08:24,769
when I'm not here saying it
belongs to Jacqueline Onassis.
164
00:08:24,837 --> 00:08:26,671
( laughter )
165
00:08:27,873 --> 00:08:29,774
Bouvier, before she was married.
166
00:08:29,841 --> 00:08:31,042
( laughter )
167
00:08:31,109 --> 00:08:33,044
Niles, if it wasn't for me,
168
00:08:33,145 --> 00:08:37,115
you would still have that summer job
playing ukulele on some London sidewalk
169
00:08:37,182 --> 00:08:38,549
with your partner Larry.
170
00:08:38,617 --> 00:08:40,818
Well, at least Larry treated me
like a human.
171
00:08:40,885 --> 00:08:44,122
Well, of course he treated you like
a human, he was a bloody monkey.
172
00:08:44,189 --> 00:08:46,223
( laughter )
173
00:08:50,528 --> 00:08:53,697
Look, if you're not happy here, perhaps
it's time you made other arrangements.
174
00:08:53,765 --> 00:08:57,835
Alright, then, you repressed
tightwad. I quit.
175
00:08:57,903 --> 00:09:00,104
Oh good, go and quit then! Go!
176
00:09:00,171 --> 00:09:03,941
By the way, there was a call from someone
who wants to back your new show.
177
00:09:04,009 --> 00:09:05,375
Well, who was it?
178
00:09:05,443 --> 00:09:06,210
It was...
179
00:09:06,345 --> 00:09:07,712
( door slams )
180
00:09:07,780 --> 00:09:09,813
( laughter )
181
00:09:13,885 --> 00:09:16,653
Oh, my God, Niles,
did I just hear you quit?
182
00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:18,322
Mm.
183
00:09:18,390 --> 00:09:21,125
How can you after all you two
have been through together?
184
00:09:21,192 --> 00:09:24,996
Do you remember when Mr. Sheffield
had that horrible contagious flu?
185
00:09:25,064 --> 00:09:27,965
You were the only one
that he would let in his room.
186
00:09:28,033 --> 00:09:29,867
( laughter )
187
00:09:29,934 --> 00:09:34,305
Yes, it's memories like that that will
sustain me until I get to the curb outside.
188
00:09:34,372 --> 00:09:36,940
( laughter )
189
00:09:37,008 --> 00:09:42,613
Oh, Mr. Sheffield! You can't just let
Niles go. You're making a big mistake.
190
00:09:42,681 --> 00:09:43,914
He's my best friend.
191
00:09:43,982 --> 00:09:44,982
( Sniff )
192
00:09:45,016 --> 00:09:47,051
Oh, God, do you smell delicious.
193
00:09:47,119 --> 00:09:49,320
( laughter )
194
00:09:49,388 --> 00:09:52,056
What is that?
195
00:09:52,124 --> 00:09:54,092
Are you wearing Aramis?
196
00:09:54,159 --> 00:09:55,726
( laughter )
197
00:09:55,794 --> 00:09:59,296
You can forget it, Miss Fine.
My mind is made up.
198
00:09:59,364 --> 00:10:03,134
Niles is nosey, greedy,
surly and he's gone.
199
00:10:03,201 --> 00:10:08,072
Now, as lady of the house, I want you to
start finding a replacement immediately.
200
00:10:08,139 --> 00:10:12,342
Oh, come on. You want me to replace
my best... "lady of the house?"
201
00:10:12,410 --> 00:10:14,278
( laughter )
202
00:10:14,346 --> 00:10:18,815
You know, that Niles could be
surly from time to time.
203
00:10:18,883 --> 00:10:21,818
( laughter )
204
00:10:24,122 --> 00:10:25,156
What's going on?
205
00:10:25,223 --> 00:10:27,191
Niles quit!
206
00:10:35,334 --> 00:10:37,868
( Applause )
207
00:10:41,340 --> 00:10:42,340
( doorbell )
208
00:10:42,408 --> 00:10:44,342
I'll get it.
209
00:10:48,046 --> 00:10:50,047
Oh, hi, ma,
what are you doing here?
210
00:10:50,114 --> 00:10:53,050
Don't you remember, we're having
lunch with Anne Frieda?
211
00:10:53,117 --> 00:10:55,419
It's the anniversary
of her husband's death.
212
00:10:55,487 --> 00:10:57,187
Oh, which husband?
213
00:10:57,222 --> 00:10:59,023
Well, since she's married seven,
214
00:10:59,090 --> 00:11:02,359
she decided to lump them all
together like President's Day.
215
00:11:02,427 --> 00:11:06,030
( laughter )
216
00:11:06,097 --> 00:11:08,889
Well, as much as I'd
love to watch you and
217
00:11:08,901 --> 00:11:11,836
Frieda fight over who
gets the chicken butt,
218
00:11:11,904 --> 00:11:13,270
( laughter )
219
00:11:13,338 --> 00:11:16,440
I've really got to find
a replacement for Niles.
220
00:11:16,508 --> 00:11:18,176
I can't believe he quit,
it's so sad.
221
00:11:18,243 --> 00:11:19,377
I know.
222
00:11:19,444 --> 00:11:22,046
I can still smell
his chicken cacciatore.
223
00:11:22,113 --> 00:11:25,950
It's like when you lose a limb
and you swear it's still there.
224
00:11:26,017 --> 00:11:27,652
( laughter )
225
00:11:27,719 --> 00:11:28,619
( doorbell rings )
226
00:11:28,687 --> 00:11:30,855
That's Frieda. Ma, you be nice.
227
00:11:30,922 --> 00:11:33,957
Well, now that my sister-in-law
Frieda is a millionaire,
228
00:11:34,025 --> 00:11:36,861
let's see if, God forbid,
she brings cake.
229
00:11:36,928 --> 00:11:38,996
( laughter )
230
00:11:39,064 --> 00:11:42,499
Ma, you're going out to lunch. Why do
you need a cake? Oh, for the cab ride.
231
00:11:42,567 --> 00:11:45,335
( laughter )
232
00:11:45,403 --> 00:11:48,005
- Hi, Frieda.
- Hi.
233
00:11:49,307 --> 00:11:50,307
Hi, Syl.
234
00:11:51,809 --> 00:11:53,310
( laughter )
235
00:11:57,916 --> 00:12:01,919
Oh, Sylvia I love the lighter rinse
you're putting on your hair.
236
00:12:01,987 --> 00:12:06,824
You know, it's nice, when you get a
little older, to go a little softer.
237
00:12:06,891 --> 00:12:07,959
Like your tuckus.
238
00:12:08,093 --> 00:12:09,894
( laughter )
239
00:12:09,961 --> 00:12:12,262
So, where's Mr. Hunky Butler?
240
00:12:12,330 --> 00:12:14,765
Oh, Hunky went out the door-ey.
241
00:12:14,832 --> 00:12:16,767
You mean he quit?
242
00:12:16,834 --> 00:12:21,772
Oh, well, maybe he left a little
chicken cacciatore in a ziplock?
243
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:23,073
Been there, done that.
244
00:12:23,142 --> 00:12:25,076
( laughter )
245
00:12:25,143 --> 00:12:28,612
You know, Frieda, I was just gonna say,
I mean, it's kind of awkward for me,
246
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:31,848
but since you're so loaded
and you've got so much money...
247
00:12:31,916 --> 00:12:35,119
Franele, say no more.
248
00:12:35,187 --> 00:12:38,655
You're mishpucha.
Here, darling.
249
00:12:38,723 --> 00:12:44,128
Oh, no, Frieda, I just meant
I thought you should hire Niles.
250
00:12:44,196 --> 00:12:45,296
Oh.
251
00:12:45,363 --> 00:12:47,331
( laughter )
252
00:12:47,399 --> 00:12:49,400
I don't know. A butler?
253
00:12:49,468 --> 00:12:53,971
You know, I'm just not comfortable bossing
people around. Sylvia, a cold drink.
254
00:12:54,038 --> 00:12:55,072
Move it.
255
00:12:55,139 --> 00:12:57,007
( laughter )
256
00:12:57,075 --> 00:13:00,344
I'll dance on your grave
someday.
257
00:13:00,412 --> 00:13:05,082
You know, maybe I could use some help.
I've got all that Lardo porcelain to dust.
258
00:13:07,152 --> 00:13:09,987
Frieda, it's Lladro.
259
00:13:10,054 --> 00:13:11,856
( laughter )
260
00:13:11,923 --> 00:13:14,892
You can pronounce it.
I can afford it.
261
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,493
( laughter )
262
00:13:16,561 --> 00:13:18,228
- Miss Fine?
- Yeah, What's the matter?
263
00:13:18,296 --> 00:13:21,165
I just wanted to let you know
you can call off the search.
264
00:13:21,233 --> 00:13:23,673
C.C.'s found the perfect butler,
with sterling credentials
265
00:13:23,735 --> 00:13:25,169
I might add.
I'm very pleased.
266
00:13:25,237 --> 00:13:26,604
- Oh.
- Thank you, C.C.
267
00:13:26,671 --> 00:13:28,972
Hehe. You're welcome, honey.
268
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:30,907
( laughter )
269
00:13:30,975 --> 00:13:32,876
Did you hear that?
270
00:13:32,944 --> 00:13:38,749
He's pleased with the help I hired.
I think Dr. Brothers would approve.
271
00:13:38,816 --> 00:13:41,118
Alright, you win.
272
00:13:41,186 --> 00:13:44,254
When me and Mr. Sheffield get
married you can hire all the help.
273
00:13:44,256 --> 00:13:46,657
( laughter )
274
00:13:46,725 --> 00:13:50,394
Alright, girls, well, it looks like I
can have lunch with you after all.
275
00:13:50,462 --> 00:13:51,796
Ooh, how about Mexican?
276
00:13:51,863 --> 00:13:54,264
Nah, I'm in the mood
for matzo ball soup.
277
00:13:54,332 --> 00:13:56,901
Have you tried Casa de Haddasah?
278
00:13:56,969 --> 00:13:59,570
No, I hear they have great
fajitos, kosher fajitos...
279
00:13:59,637 --> 00:14:03,074
Oh, my God, they've got
a tequila sunrise sunset.
280
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:11,482
And, finally, Trevor, this is
the kitchen, your domain.
281
00:14:11,549 --> 00:14:14,852
We have the butler's pantry on the
left, the wine cellar on the right,
282
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:17,021
and the trampy nanny on her ass.
283
00:14:17,089 --> 00:14:19,156
( laughter )
284
00:14:22,193 --> 00:14:25,997
Listen, Trevor, let's just get one
thing straight right off the bat,
285
00:14:26,064 --> 00:14:31,402
you took my best friend's job, so you
and I are not going to be compadres.
286
00:14:31,469 --> 00:14:35,640
As long as we're being honest, I don't
want your mother dropping by incessantly.
287
00:14:35,707 --> 00:14:39,210
A woman her age should be retired
and living in a warm climate.
288
00:14:39,277 --> 00:14:42,079
( laughter )
289
00:14:42,146 --> 00:14:44,386
You know, I got two
tickets for Red Saturday
290
00:14:44,398 --> 00:14:46,349
night, what do you
say we go together?
291
00:14:46,418 --> 00:14:48,185
( laughter )
292
00:14:48,252 --> 00:14:49,920
And, as for your attire,
293
00:14:49,988 --> 00:14:52,422
it is inappropriate
for the nanny to be seen
294
00:14:52,490 --> 00:14:55,292
in such revealing outfits in front
of the master and his children.
295
00:14:55,359 --> 00:14:57,094
Please,
if I wanted to be revealing,
296
00:14:57,162 --> 00:15:00,998
I could have unbuttoned these buttons
and I wouldn't have worn a bra.
297
00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:02,799
Oh, woo, peek-a-boo.
298
00:15:02,867 --> 00:15:04,168
( laughter )
299
00:15:06,404 --> 00:15:08,339
How can you stand him?
300
00:15:08,406 --> 00:15:11,175
I mean, he's so cold,
stuffy and repressed.
301
00:15:11,242 --> 00:15:13,944
I know, honey,
but he is your father.
302
00:15:14,012 --> 00:15:15,546
Oh, you meant Trevor?
303
00:15:15,614 --> 00:15:18,215
Why are you children still here?
You should be in school.
304
00:15:18,283 --> 00:15:22,052
Oh, Fran is taking us to Maury
Povich to see that 80-pound baby.
305
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:24,021
Mm.
306
00:15:24,022 --> 00:15:26,256
Here, dad doesn't need to know.
307
00:15:26,257 --> 00:15:28,692
Excuse me,
but I cannot be bribed.
308
00:15:30,295 --> 00:15:32,696
This one's gonna be trouble.
309
00:15:32,764 --> 00:15:34,198
( laughter )
310
00:15:38,103 --> 00:15:42,906
( laughter )
311
00:15:42,974 --> 00:15:45,676
Oh, my God, Frieda.
312
00:15:45,743 --> 00:15:47,244
( laughter )
313
00:15:47,311 --> 00:15:51,915
I know. It took forever to paper
up those carved mahogany walls.
314
00:15:51,983 --> 00:15:53,216
( laughter )
315
00:15:53,284 --> 00:15:55,819
But, don't judge it now.
316
00:15:55,886 --> 00:15:59,656
When I get my furniture out of storage,
it will fill in all those bare spots.
317
00:15:59,724 --> 00:16:02,225
( laughter )
318
00:16:02,293 --> 00:16:04,528
Listen, Frieda, I want
to talk to you about Niles.
319
00:16:04,595 --> 00:16:08,331
I want him back, and you can get
anyone to do what he does around here.
320
00:16:08,399 --> 00:16:11,335
Niles:
Oh, Frieda! It's booty call!
321
00:16:11,402 --> 00:16:16,874
( laughter )
322
00:16:19,644 --> 00:16:23,748
Niles, you hussy you.
323
00:16:24,916 --> 00:16:26,750
Don't knock it, baby.
324
00:16:26,818 --> 00:16:29,352
You're wearing a diamond ring?
325
00:16:29,420 --> 00:16:31,021
And a dental plan!
326
00:16:31,089 --> 00:16:33,223
( laughter )
327
00:16:33,291 --> 00:16:34,992
I'm shag-a-delic, baby.
328
00:16:35,059 --> 00:16:36,861
( laughter )
329
00:16:38,396 --> 00:16:41,765
Oh, Franny, it's so nice to have
a man around the house.
330
00:16:41,833 --> 00:16:44,735
Nilesy, I'm going
to start the bath.
331
00:16:46,204 --> 00:16:50,140
Don't be long,
my private dancer.
332
00:16:50,207 --> 00:16:53,176
( laughter )
333
00:16:53,244 --> 00:16:55,912
Niles, I don't believe you.
334
00:16:55,980 --> 00:16:59,015
Dressing up in sexy clothes,
throwing yourself at your boss.
335
00:16:59,083 --> 00:17:01,185
It's sick, sick, sick,
sick, sick.
336
00:17:01,252 --> 00:17:02,820
( laughter )
337
00:17:02,887 --> 00:17:05,790
Well, it seems the only way
I can make your high salary
338
00:17:05,857 --> 00:17:09,326
is to shake my groove thing
with aunt Frieda.
339
00:17:09,394 --> 00:17:11,795
What do you mean,
'my high salary'?
340
00:17:11,863 --> 00:17:15,866
I saw your credit card application. You
put down that you make $50,000 a year.
341
00:17:15,933 --> 00:17:20,670
Oh, I had to. That's the same thing
when I tell Mr. Sheffield that I'm 29.
342
00:17:20,738 --> 00:17:23,474
I'm seeking "approval."
343
00:17:23,541 --> 00:17:24,908
( laughter )
344
00:17:24,976 --> 00:17:27,010
Now, come on,
I'm taking you home.
345
00:17:27,078 --> 00:17:29,682
No, no, I will not have Mr.
Sheffield constantly
346
00:17:29,694 --> 00:17:31,882
calling me a "snoop."
I have my dignity.
347
00:17:31,950 --> 00:17:35,953
Frieda: Nilesy, put on the bell with
the Speedo with the bull's-eye.
348
00:17:36,021 --> 00:17:39,923
( laughter )
349
00:17:41,225 --> 00:17:43,827
Look, it's too late
to come back now.
350
00:17:43,895 --> 00:17:45,696
I've made Frieda's bed,
351
00:17:45,764 --> 00:17:47,598
and now I have to lie in it.
352
00:17:47,732 --> 00:17:50,201
( laughter )
353
00:17:50,268 --> 00:17:52,136
Well, fine.
354
00:17:52,204 --> 00:17:55,906
Just remember, I've been working with Mr.
Sheffield almost five years,
355
00:17:55,974 --> 00:18:00,176
and still I haven't slept with him.
It's official. I'm a schmuck.
356
00:18:00,244 --> 00:18:01,745
( laughter )
357
00:18:04,816 --> 00:18:06,750
I fixed you a drink,
Miss Babcock.
358
00:18:06,818 --> 00:18:09,687
I thought you might be nervous
about Dr. Brothers' visit.
359
00:18:09,754 --> 00:18:11,922
I hope she picks you.
360
00:18:11,990 --> 00:18:13,457
( laughter )
361
00:18:13,524 --> 00:18:17,327
Trevor, it doesn't matter.
I'm not going anywhere.
362
00:18:17,395 --> 00:18:21,965
Nanny Fine might be dumb enough to honor
our deal, but I'm in show business.
363
00:18:22,032 --> 00:18:24,067
My promises don't mean squat.
364
00:18:24,135 --> 00:18:26,136
( laughter )
365
00:18:32,244 --> 00:18:36,280
Oh, Nanny Fine, that is low!
366
00:18:38,549 --> 00:18:42,519
Well, I had to pull out the big guns.
You went to finishing school!
367
00:18:42,587 --> 00:18:44,221
I had trouble finishing school.
368
00:18:44,289 --> 00:18:46,623
( Doorbell rings )
369
00:18:46,691 --> 00:18:49,960
Well, you look ridiculous.
370
00:18:50,028 --> 00:18:55,532
That is a cheap, dowdy,
matronly sack.
371
00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:58,168
( laughter )
372
00:19:04,943 --> 00:19:07,845
On you it sings!
373
00:19:07,912 --> 00:19:09,580
( laughter )
374
00:19:09,648 --> 00:19:14,685
Hello, C.C. Babcock, everyone's
choice for Mrs. Sheffield.
375
00:19:14,753 --> 00:19:15,986
( laughter )
376
00:19:16,054 --> 00:19:19,489
Hi, Dr. Brothers,
good to see you again.
377
00:19:19,557 --> 00:19:20,657
( laughs )
378
00:19:23,228 --> 00:19:26,997
You know, I don't want you to feel any
pressure at all to pick me, you know,
379
00:19:27,064 --> 00:19:32,669
just because I could get Mr. Sheffield
to listen to your score for Nuts.
380
00:19:32,737 --> 00:19:34,137
I'm a professional, dear,
381
00:19:34,205 --> 00:19:36,707
you can't play
passive-aggressive with me.
382
00:19:36,774 --> 00:19:39,843
Oh, well, what do you say
to this? I got a rich aunt.
383
00:19:39,910 --> 00:19:41,311
There's more where
that came from.
384
00:19:41,379 --> 00:19:42,613
( laughter )
385
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:44,381
No?
386
00:19:44,449 --> 00:19:50,320
Dr. Brothers, you don't need her.
I am in show business.
387
00:19:50,388 --> 00:19:56,293
I can arrange that pitch a
meeting with Maxwell. I promise.
388
00:19:56,361 --> 00:19:57,661
( laughter )
389
00:19:57,729 --> 00:20:00,597
Ma, where did you come from?
390
00:20:00,664 --> 00:20:01,999
( laughter )
391
00:20:02,066 --> 00:20:04,801
The butler wouldn't let me in.
392
00:20:04,869 --> 00:20:07,604
The boy had to help me
up the trellis.
393
00:20:07,671 --> 00:20:09,272
( laughter )
394
00:20:11,308 --> 00:20:13,176
The Sheffield line ends here,
okay?
395
00:20:13,244 --> 00:20:15,278
( laughter )
396
00:20:15,346 --> 00:20:17,047
I want to come back,
hide me please?
397
00:20:17,115 --> 00:20:18,482
What happened?
398
00:20:18,549 --> 00:20:21,685
I can handle the Jacuzzis,
and giving the oil massages,
399
00:20:21,753 --> 00:20:26,156
I can even suck on a big toe the size of
a Louisville Slugger but I will not...
400
00:20:26,224 --> 00:20:27,291
do windows.
401
00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:28,925
( laughter )
402
00:20:28,993 --> 00:20:30,394
Frieda:
Nilesy!
403
00:20:30,462 --> 00:20:31,928
Oh, God, Sasquatch.
404
00:20:36,834 --> 00:20:40,404
( Arguing )
405
00:20:42,072 --> 00:20:44,174
Quiet!
406
00:20:44,241 --> 00:20:47,310
Trevor, what the hell
is going on in my house?
407
00:20:47,379 --> 00:20:50,714
I wouldn't know, I don't get
involved in other people's business.
408
00:20:50,782 --> 00:20:53,150
Well, that's not much
bloody good to me, is it?
409
00:20:53,217 --> 00:20:54,217
( laughter )
410
00:20:54,285 --> 00:20:55,585
You're fired.
411
00:20:55,653 --> 00:20:57,020
( Cheering )
412
00:20:57,088 --> 00:20:59,923
- You, you're rehired.
- Do I get a raise?
413
00:20:59,990 --> 00:21:01,892
- No!
- I'll take it.
414
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:03,460
( laughter )
415
00:21:05,296 --> 00:21:07,297
- Hello.
- Hello.
416
00:21:07,598 --> 00:21:11,369
Miss Fine, what is Dr. Joyce
Brothers doing in my sitting room?
417
00:21:11,370 --> 00:21:13,804
Well, if you must know,
she's here to decide
418
00:21:13,871 --> 00:21:16,272
whether me or Miss Babcock
is more right for you.
419
00:21:16,341 --> 00:21:18,041
Not that
it's any of your business.
420
00:21:18,108 --> 00:21:19,409
( laughter )
421
00:21:19,477 --> 00:21:22,045
What? You can't be serious.
422
00:21:22,113 --> 00:21:25,214
You two have turned into
a couple of complete morons.
423
00:21:25,483 --> 00:21:27,817
- It was Val's idea.
- It was Val's idea.
424
00:21:27,885 --> 00:21:29,553
( laughter )
425
00:21:29,620 --> 00:21:33,389
Dr. Brothers, I don't know under what
pretence these two got you here,
426
00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:35,859
but I do apologize
for their lunacy.
427
00:21:35,927 --> 00:21:37,261
No problem.
428
00:21:37,328 --> 00:21:41,331
Act one: a lone,
schizophrenic prostitute sings.
429
00:21:41,399 --> 00:21:44,001
( laughter )
430
00:21:44,068 --> 00:21:46,904
♪ I stabbed a man in the guts ♪
431
00:21:48,172 --> 00:21:50,239
♪ Now they call me nuts ♪
432
00:21:50,307 --> 00:21:53,343
♪ But I can't help it ♪
433
00:21:53,411 --> 00:21:57,381
( laughter )
434
00:21:57,449 --> 00:22:01,151
( applause )
435
00:22:06,257 --> 00:22:09,126
Yes, and this is the room
where Miss Bouviere first met...
436
00:22:09,194 --> 00:22:10,260
Niles!
437
00:22:10,327 --> 00:22:11,328
Tour is over, no refunds.
438
00:22:11,395 --> 00:22:12,730
( laughter )
439
00:22:16,367 --> 00:22:21,471
( applause )
33621
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