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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:02,367 --> 00:00:05,061 Well, it's been five days and I haven't lost 2 00:00:05,073 --> 00:00:07,538 a single pound on this darn liquid diet. 3 00:00:07,606 --> 00:00:08,907 Maybe because it's gin. 4 00:00:08,974 --> 00:00:10,875 ( laughter ) 5 00:00:12,678 --> 00:00:16,681 Nanny Fine, how do you eat like that and stay so thin? 6 00:00:16,748 --> 00:00:20,418 I have a very fast metabolism. Every time I think about how old I am 7 00:00:20,486 --> 00:00:23,955 and the fact that I'm still single my heart starts racing. 8 00:00:24,023 --> 00:00:27,859 Niles, were you listening in on the terrace when I had my meeting with our accountant? 9 00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,460 I most certainly was not. 10 00:00:29,528 --> 00:00:31,663 Good, 'cause I just had the French doors painted. 11 00:00:31,730 --> 00:00:33,297 Oh, well, I'll warn the children. 12 00:00:33,365 --> 00:00:37,168 ( laughter ) 13 00:00:37,303 --> 00:00:43,040 Good God, man, is it so bloody important for you to know how much I'm worth? 14 00:00:43,108 --> 00:00:46,043 Niles, you have paint on you. 15 00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:49,347 ( laughter ) 16 00:00:49,415 --> 00:00:51,249 So do you... 17 00:00:51,316 --> 00:00:53,217 ( phone rings ) 18 00:00:53,286 --> 00:00:57,222 Sir, I wasn't snooping. I was cleaning. Honestly. 19 00:00:57,289 --> 00:00:59,793 Keeping this house in order is a round-the-clock 20 00:00:59,805 --> 00:01:01,859 job. I hardly have time to skulk about. 21 00:01:01,927 --> 00:01:04,862 Niles, it's the spy shop. Your night vision goggles are in. 22 00:01:04,930 --> 00:01:06,931 ( laughter ) 23 00:01:06,999 --> 00:01:09,934 Let that be the last time I catch you snooping. 24 00:01:10,002 --> 00:01:12,870 And tomorrow I'm disconnecting that bloody intercom. 25 00:01:12,938 --> 00:01:14,272 Oh, sir, not the lifeline. 26 00:01:14,340 --> 00:01:15,907 ( laughter ) 27 00:01:15,974 --> 00:01:20,946 Honestly, if I were Mrs. Sheffield, my first act would be... 28 00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:23,648 well, my second act, 29 00:01:23,715 --> 00:01:26,685 would be to fire that no good lint trap. 30 00:01:26,752 --> 00:01:31,689 If you were Mrs. Sheffield, please hang up and dial again. 31 00:01:31,757 --> 00:01:33,958 ( laughter ) 32 00:01:34,026 --> 00:01:38,062 I am perfect for Maxwell. I am dependable, respectable, 33 00:01:38,130 --> 00:01:41,266 and men are always drawn to my classic Swedish features. 34 00:01:41,333 --> 00:01:42,634 So you're a Volvo. 35 00:01:42,702 --> 00:01:44,669 ( laughter ) 36 00:01:44,737 --> 00:01:48,339 Unfortunately for you, Mr. Sheffield wants to get his hands on something 37 00:01:48,407 --> 00:01:52,610 a little sportier that he can take the top down. 38 00:01:52,678 --> 00:01:54,246 ( laughter ) 39 00:01:54,313 --> 00:01:57,048 Well, you know, obviously we disagree. 40 00:01:57,116 --> 00:01:59,817 What do you wanna do? Dress up like piñatas, blindfold Maxwell, 41 00:01:59,885 --> 00:02:02,954 give him a stick and see which one of us he whacks first? 42 00:02:03,022 --> 00:02:05,156 ( laughter ) 43 00:02:05,223 --> 00:02:11,229 No, I was going to say that we should get an impartial third party to be the judge. 44 00:02:11,296 --> 00:02:14,799 But, you know, your way is a nice tip of the hat to Mexican culture. 45 00:02:16,168 --> 00:02:18,837 An impartial third party. Like who? 46 00:02:18,905 --> 00:02:23,708 Well, like, uh, Dr. Joyce Brothers. I met her once. 47 00:02:23,776 --> 00:02:28,046 She's very smart. She was on Hollywood Squares. She knows things. 48 00:02:28,114 --> 00:02:29,214 ( laughter ) 49 00:02:33,752 --> 00:02:34,752 Oh! 50 00:02:40,659 --> 00:02:43,494 ♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪ 51 00:02:43,562 --> 00:02:46,864 ♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes ♪ 52 00:02:46,932 --> 00:02:51,703 ♪ What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny ♪ 53 00:02:51,770 --> 00:02:54,372 ♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪ 54 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:57,709 ♪ She was there to sell make up but the father saw more ♪ 55 00:02:57,777 --> 00:03:02,747 ♪ She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny ♪ 56 00:03:02,814 --> 00:03:05,416 ♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we described ♪ 57 00:03:05,484 --> 00:03:07,718 ♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪ 58 00:03:07,786 --> 00:03:09,421 ♪ Now, the father finds her beguiling ♪ 59 00:03:09,488 --> 00:03:11,223 ♪ watch out, C.C. ♪ 60 00:03:11,290 --> 00:03:13,724 ♪ And the kids are actually smiling such joie de vivre ♪ 61 00:03:13,759 --> 00:03:18,896 ♪ She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan ♪ 62 00:03:18,964 --> 00:03:22,233 ♪ The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran. ♪ 63 00:03:26,339 --> 00:03:29,540 Oh, thank you, Dr. Joyce Brothers, thank you. 64 00:03:29,608 --> 00:03:33,010 Oh, it's all set. She's going to come over and observe us with Mr. Sheffield 65 00:03:33,145 --> 00:03:35,379 and determine who will make the better wife. 66 00:03:35,447 --> 00:03:36,847 - You're kidding! - No. 67 00:03:36,915 --> 00:03:39,384 She has a great deal of respect for our experiment. 68 00:03:39,451 --> 00:03:41,819 She has a musical she wants to pitch to Maxwell? 69 00:03:41,887 --> 00:03:43,220 Wrote a score for nuts. 70 00:03:43,288 --> 00:03:45,723 ( laughter ) 71 00:03:45,791 --> 00:03:48,893 Well, let's just keep this between us, because if Maxwell finds out 72 00:03:48,961 --> 00:03:50,828 neither one of us will have a shot at him 73 00:03:50,896 --> 00:03:52,330 and he'll think we're both morons. 74 00:03:52,398 --> 00:03:55,232 Good, I couldn't agree more. Oh, and you know what? 75 00:03:55,300 --> 00:03:56,867 In case he does find out, 76 00:03:56,935 --> 00:03:59,015 let's just tell him that Val thought of it, 77 00:03:59,071 --> 00:04:00,538 that won't be a tough sell. 78 00:04:00,605 --> 00:04:02,072 ( laughter ) 79 00:04:02,140 --> 00:04:03,775 What are you doing? 80 00:04:03,842 --> 00:04:04,842 Nothing... 81 00:04:04,877 --> 00:04:07,011 ( laughter ) 82 00:04:07,079 --> 00:04:10,981 And with my Vinnie Barbarino glass from Chevron? 83 00:04:11,049 --> 00:04:13,251 You see, this is why we cannot have nice things. 84 00:04:13,319 --> 00:04:15,686 ( laughter ) 85 00:04:15,754 --> 00:04:18,823 You know, even if I could keep Dr. Brothers coming here a secret, 86 00:04:18,890 --> 00:04:20,791 and I wouldn't take those odds to Vegas, 87 00:04:20,859 --> 00:04:22,226 ( laughter ) 88 00:04:22,294 --> 00:04:25,663 how do you plan to explain her presence to Mr. Sheffield? 89 00:04:25,731 --> 00:04:28,599 The woman deals with the psychologically deranged. 90 00:04:28,667 --> 00:04:30,869 She could be here for ma, me, 91 00:04:30,936 --> 00:04:33,087 Gracie, and let me tell you something, mister, 92 00:04:33,099 --> 00:04:34,939 you ain't far from the top of the list. 93 00:04:35,007 --> 00:04:37,208 ( laughter ) 94 00:04:37,276 --> 00:04:39,911 And don't you blab! I will know! 95 00:04:39,979 --> 00:04:42,113 Because Mr. Sheffield always acts self-conscious 96 00:04:42,125 --> 00:04:43,614 when he knows he's being watched. 97 00:04:45,250 --> 00:04:47,251 ( laughter ) 98 00:04:47,319 --> 00:04:48,586 What? 99 00:04:48,653 --> 00:04:50,621 ( laughter ) 100 00:04:50,689 --> 00:04:51,822 - Nothing. - Nothing. 101 00:04:51,891 --> 00:04:53,724 Well, why are you staring at me? 102 00:04:53,792 --> 00:04:57,128 What? Go about your business. Do what you're doing. 103 00:04:57,196 --> 00:05:00,064 Well, I can't now, you're watching me. It's makes me feel very uncomfortable. 104 00:05:00,132 --> 00:05:02,099 ( laughter ) 105 00:05:02,167 --> 00:05:05,002 So much for making amateur videos on our honeymoon. 106 00:05:05,137 --> 00:05:06,504 ( laughter ) 107 00:05:09,508 --> 00:05:13,410 I just hate these credit applications. Date of birth... 108 00:05:13,412 --> 00:05:15,046 "Not applicable." 109 00:05:15,114 --> 00:05:16,114 Mm. 110 00:05:18,050 --> 00:05:21,719 Sex? Five years ago, Tuesday. 111 00:05:21,786 --> 00:05:24,288 Well, what do you need another credit card for anyway? 112 00:05:24,356 --> 00:05:29,260 I wanna get credit so I can buy some new outfits to impress Dr. Joyce Brothers. 113 00:05:29,327 --> 00:05:33,998 I mean, look at me, Val, I look like a cheap tart. And not in the good way. 114 00:05:34,066 --> 00:05:35,399 ( laughter ) 115 00:05:35,467 --> 00:05:38,770 Yeah, but I think under salary you made a mistake. 116 00:05:38,837 --> 00:05:42,077 Well, that's because last time I put my real salary on an application 117 00:05:42,141 --> 00:05:44,943 they sent me food stamps and a box of government cheese. 118 00:05:45,010 --> 00:05:46,745 ( laughter ) 119 00:05:46,812 --> 00:05:51,616 You know, I remember that. It had a surprisingly tangy aftertaste. 120 00:05:51,684 --> 00:05:54,051 ( laughter ) 121 00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:58,389 You know, maybe I shouldn't put 50 grand down. It sounds like I'm trying too hard. 122 00:05:58,457 --> 00:06:00,592 Yeah, 50's too much. 123 00:06:00,659 --> 00:06:03,160 Make it 49.99. 124 00:06:03,228 --> 00:06:05,496 That's how they sucked me in on the Abdominizer. 125 00:06:05,564 --> 00:06:06,598 Yeah. That's good. 126 00:06:14,239 --> 00:06:15,272 ( Sighs ) 127 00:06:24,750 --> 00:06:26,317 ( laughter ) 128 00:06:30,155 --> 00:06:34,992 ♪ When I get that feeling, I want sexual healing ♪ 129 00:06:35,060 --> 00:06:38,296 ♪ Sexual healing ♪ 130 00:06:38,363 --> 00:06:41,266 ♪ It's something that's good for me ♪ 131 00:06:41,333 --> 00:06:46,170 ( laughter ) 132 00:06:49,041 --> 00:06:52,142 ( thinking ) Oh, crap, I dusted through Rosie. 133 00:06:52,210 --> 00:06:53,844 ( laughter ) 134 00:06:53,913 --> 00:06:57,882 I can't believe she's applying for another credit card. 135 00:06:57,950 --> 00:07:00,017 And I really shouldn't snoop, 136 00:07:00,085 --> 00:07:03,254 but maybe I'm a reference, in which case I have a right to know. 137 00:07:03,322 --> 00:07:05,189 ( laughter ) 138 00:07:05,257 --> 00:07:06,891 Where's age? 139 00:07:06,959 --> 00:07:08,759 Age, age, age, age. 140 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:10,794 Ah, this must have been age. 141 00:07:10,862 --> 00:07:13,097 ( laughter ) 142 00:07:14,666 --> 00:07:16,601 Let's see... salary. 143 00:07:19,070 --> 00:07:21,305 Sir, I demand a raise! 144 00:07:21,373 --> 00:07:25,676 Niles, I am actually in the room, so you might want to rehearse this somewhere else. 145 00:07:25,744 --> 00:07:27,879 ( laughter ) 146 00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:30,705 I am saying it to your face, this time. I 147 00:07:30,717 --> 00:07:33,817 demand a salary increase, and I demand it now. 148 00:07:33,885 --> 00:07:37,488 Well, that certainly took a lot of backbone, I must say. 149 00:07:37,555 --> 00:07:39,890 You know, normally, my answer would be no. 150 00:07:39,958 --> 00:07:44,295 But based on your bold approach, my answer is 'hell no!' 151 00:07:44,363 --> 00:07:46,764 ( laughter ) 152 00:07:46,832 --> 00:07:51,802 How dare you come barging in here like that making demands? Can't you see I'm busy? 153 00:07:51,870 --> 00:07:54,870 Yes, I know how much effort goes into ordering an air-conditioned pit helmet 154 00:07:54,906 --> 00:07:56,207 from The Sharper Image. 155 00:07:56,274 --> 00:07:58,776 ( laughter ) 156 00:07:58,844 --> 00:08:03,114 Niles, what exactly brought on this sudden surge of greed, anyway? 157 00:08:03,182 --> 00:08:06,450 Well, I was upstairs, looking through Miss... Miss Magazine. 158 00:08:06,519 --> 00:08:08,386 ( laughter ) 159 00:08:08,453 --> 00:08:13,157 Did you know that like many women in today's marketplace I too am underpaid? 160 00:08:14,693 --> 00:08:17,662 Well, I happen to think you're very well-paid, 161 00:08:17,729 --> 00:08:19,897 for drinking my brandy, smoking my cigars 162 00:08:19,965 --> 00:08:21,866 and giving conducted tours of the house 163 00:08:21,934 --> 00:08:24,769 when I'm not here saying it belongs to Jacqueline Onassis. 164 00:08:24,837 --> 00:08:26,671 ( laughter ) 165 00:08:27,873 --> 00:08:29,774 Bouvier, before she was married. 166 00:08:29,841 --> 00:08:31,042 ( laughter ) 167 00:08:31,109 --> 00:08:33,044 Niles, if it wasn't for me, 168 00:08:33,145 --> 00:08:37,115 you would still have that summer job playing ukulele on some London sidewalk 169 00:08:37,182 --> 00:08:38,549 with your partner Larry. 170 00:08:38,617 --> 00:08:40,818 Well, at least Larry treated me like a human. 171 00:08:40,885 --> 00:08:44,122 Well, of course he treated you like a human, he was a bloody monkey. 172 00:08:44,189 --> 00:08:46,223 ( laughter ) 173 00:08:50,528 --> 00:08:53,697 Look, if you're not happy here, perhaps it's time you made other arrangements. 174 00:08:53,765 --> 00:08:57,835 Alright, then, you repressed tightwad. I quit. 175 00:08:57,903 --> 00:09:00,104 Oh good, go and quit then! Go! 176 00:09:00,171 --> 00:09:03,941 By the way, there was a call from someone who wants to back your new show. 177 00:09:04,009 --> 00:09:05,375 Well, who was it? 178 00:09:05,443 --> 00:09:06,210 It was... 179 00:09:06,345 --> 00:09:07,712 ( door slams ) 180 00:09:07,780 --> 00:09:09,813 ( laughter ) 181 00:09:13,885 --> 00:09:16,653 Oh, my God, Niles, did I just hear you quit? 182 00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:18,322 Mm. 183 00:09:18,390 --> 00:09:21,125 How can you after all you two have been through together? 184 00:09:21,192 --> 00:09:24,996 Do you remember when Mr. Sheffield had that horrible contagious flu? 185 00:09:25,064 --> 00:09:27,965 You were the only one that he would let in his room. 186 00:09:28,033 --> 00:09:29,867 ( laughter ) 187 00:09:29,934 --> 00:09:34,305 Yes, it's memories like that that will sustain me until I get to the curb outside. 188 00:09:34,372 --> 00:09:36,940 ( laughter ) 189 00:09:37,008 --> 00:09:42,613 Oh, Mr. Sheffield! You can't just let Niles go. You're making a big mistake. 190 00:09:42,681 --> 00:09:43,914 He's my best friend. 191 00:09:43,982 --> 00:09:44,982 ( Sniff ) 192 00:09:45,016 --> 00:09:47,051 Oh, God, do you smell delicious. 193 00:09:47,119 --> 00:09:49,320 ( laughter ) 194 00:09:49,388 --> 00:09:52,056 What is that? 195 00:09:52,124 --> 00:09:54,092 Are you wearing Aramis? 196 00:09:54,159 --> 00:09:55,726 ( laughter ) 197 00:09:55,794 --> 00:09:59,296 You can forget it, Miss Fine. My mind is made up. 198 00:09:59,364 --> 00:10:03,134 Niles is nosey, greedy, surly and he's gone. 199 00:10:03,201 --> 00:10:08,072 Now, as lady of the house, I want you to start finding a replacement immediately. 200 00:10:08,139 --> 00:10:12,342 Oh, come on. You want me to replace my best... "lady of the house?" 201 00:10:12,410 --> 00:10:14,278 ( laughter ) 202 00:10:14,346 --> 00:10:18,815 You know, that Niles could be surly from time to time. 203 00:10:18,883 --> 00:10:21,818 ( laughter ) 204 00:10:24,122 --> 00:10:25,156 What's going on? 205 00:10:25,223 --> 00:10:27,191 Niles quit! 206 00:10:35,334 --> 00:10:37,868 ( Applause ) 207 00:10:41,340 --> 00:10:42,340 ( doorbell ) 208 00:10:42,408 --> 00:10:44,342 I'll get it. 209 00:10:48,046 --> 00:10:50,047 Oh, hi, ma, what are you doing here? 210 00:10:50,114 --> 00:10:53,050 Don't you remember, we're having lunch with Anne Frieda? 211 00:10:53,117 --> 00:10:55,419 It's the anniversary of her husband's death. 212 00:10:55,487 --> 00:10:57,187 Oh, which husband? 213 00:10:57,222 --> 00:10:59,023 Well, since she's married seven, 214 00:10:59,090 --> 00:11:02,359 she decided to lump them all together like President's Day. 215 00:11:02,427 --> 00:11:06,030 ( laughter ) 216 00:11:06,097 --> 00:11:08,889 Well, as much as I'd love to watch you and 217 00:11:08,901 --> 00:11:11,836 Frieda fight over who gets the chicken butt, 218 00:11:11,904 --> 00:11:13,270 ( laughter ) 219 00:11:13,338 --> 00:11:16,440 I've really got to find a replacement for Niles. 220 00:11:16,508 --> 00:11:18,176 I can't believe he quit, it's so sad. 221 00:11:18,243 --> 00:11:19,377 I know. 222 00:11:19,444 --> 00:11:22,046 I can still smell his chicken cacciatore. 223 00:11:22,113 --> 00:11:25,950 It's like when you lose a limb and you swear it's still there. 224 00:11:26,017 --> 00:11:27,652 ( laughter ) 225 00:11:27,719 --> 00:11:28,619 ( doorbell rings ) 226 00:11:28,687 --> 00:11:30,855 That's Frieda. Ma, you be nice. 227 00:11:30,922 --> 00:11:33,957 Well, now that my sister-in-law Frieda is a millionaire, 228 00:11:34,025 --> 00:11:36,861 let's see if, God forbid, she brings cake. 229 00:11:36,928 --> 00:11:38,996 ( laughter ) 230 00:11:39,064 --> 00:11:42,499 Ma, you're going out to lunch. Why do you need a cake? Oh, for the cab ride. 231 00:11:42,567 --> 00:11:45,335 ( laughter ) 232 00:11:45,403 --> 00:11:48,005 - Hi, Frieda. - Hi. 233 00:11:49,307 --> 00:11:50,307 Hi, Syl. 234 00:11:51,809 --> 00:11:53,310 ( laughter ) 235 00:11:57,916 --> 00:12:01,919 Oh, Sylvia I love the lighter rinse you're putting on your hair. 236 00:12:01,987 --> 00:12:06,824 You know, it's nice, when you get a little older, to go a little softer. 237 00:12:06,891 --> 00:12:07,959 Like your tuckus. 238 00:12:08,093 --> 00:12:09,894 ( laughter ) 239 00:12:09,961 --> 00:12:12,262 So, where's Mr. Hunky Butler? 240 00:12:12,330 --> 00:12:14,765 Oh, Hunky went out the door-ey. 241 00:12:14,832 --> 00:12:16,767 You mean he quit? 242 00:12:16,834 --> 00:12:21,772 Oh, well, maybe he left a little chicken cacciatore in a ziplock? 243 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:23,073 Been there, done that. 244 00:12:23,142 --> 00:12:25,076 ( laughter ) 245 00:12:25,143 --> 00:12:28,612 You know, Frieda, I was just gonna say, I mean, it's kind of awkward for me, 246 00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:31,848 but since you're so loaded and you've got so much money... 247 00:12:31,916 --> 00:12:35,119 Franele, say no more. 248 00:12:35,187 --> 00:12:38,655 You're mishpucha. Here, darling. 249 00:12:38,723 --> 00:12:44,128 Oh, no, Frieda, I just meant I thought you should hire Niles. 250 00:12:44,196 --> 00:12:45,296 Oh. 251 00:12:45,363 --> 00:12:47,331 ( laughter ) 252 00:12:47,399 --> 00:12:49,400 I don't know. A butler? 253 00:12:49,468 --> 00:12:53,971 You know, I'm just not comfortable bossing people around. Sylvia, a cold drink. 254 00:12:54,038 --> 00:12:55,072 Move it. 255 00:12:55,139 --> 00:12:57,007 ( laughter ) 256 00:12:57,075 --> 00:13:00,344 I'll dance on your grave someday. 257 00:13:00,412 --> 00:13:05,082 You know, maybe I could use some help. I've got all that Lardo porcelain to dust. 258 00:13:07,152 --> 00:13:09,987 Frieda, it's Lladro. 259 00:13:10,054 --> 00:13:11,856 ( laughter ) 260 00:13:11,923 --> 00:13:14,892 You can pronounce it. I can afford it. 261 00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,493 ( laughter ) 262 00:13:16,561 --> 00:13:18,228 - Miss Fine? - Yeah, What's the matter? 263 00:13:18,296 --> 00:13:21,165 I just wanted to let you know you can call off the search. 264 00:13:21,233 --> 00:13:23,673 C.C.'s found the perfect butler, with sterling credentials 265 00:13:23,735 --> 00:13:25,169 I might add. I'm very pleased. 266 00:13:25,237 --> 00:13:26,604 - Oh. - Thank you, C.C. 267 00:13:26,671 --> 00:13:28,972 Hehe. You're welcome, honey. 268 00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:30,907 ( laughter ) 269 00:13:30,975 --> 00:13:32,876 Did you hear that? 270 00:13:32,944 --> 00:13:38,749 He's pleased with the help I hired. I think Dr. Brothers would approve. 271 00:13:38,816 --> 00:13:41,118 Alright, you win. 272 00:13:41,186 --> 00:13:44,254 When me and Mr. Sheffield get married you can hire all the help. 273 00:13:44,256 --> 00:13:46,657 ( laughter ) 274 00:13:46,725 --> 00:13:50,394 Alright, girls, well, it looks like I can have lunch with you after all. 275 00:13:50,462 --> 00:13:51,796 Ooh, how about Mexican? 276 00:13:51,863 --> 00:13:54,264 Nah, I'm in the mood for matzo ball soup. 277 00:13:54,332 --> 00:13:56,901 Have you tried Casa de Haddasah? 278 00:13:56,969 --> 00:13:59,570 No, I hear they have great fajitos, kosher fajitos... 279 00:13:59,637 --> 00:14:03,074 Oh, my God, they've got a tequila sunrise sunset. 280 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:11,482 And, finally, Trevor, this is the kitchen, your domain. 281 00:14:11,549 --> 00:14:14,852 We have the butler's pantry on the left, the wine cellar on the right, 282 00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:17,021 and the trampy nanny on her ass. 283 00:14:17,089 --> 00:14:19,156 ( laughter ) 284 00:14:22,193 --> 00:14:25,997 Listen, Trevor, let's just get one thing straight right off the bat, 285 00:14:26,064 --> 00:14:31,402 you took my best friend's job, so you and I are not going to be compadres. 286 00:14:31,469 --> 00:14:35,640 As long as we're being honest, I don't want your mother dropping by incessantly. 287 00:14:35,707 --> 00:14:39,210 A woman her age should be retired and living in a warm climate. 288 00:14:39,277 --> 00:14:42,079 ( laughter ) 289 00:14:42,146 --> 00:14:44,386 You know, I got two tickets for Red Saturday 290 00:14:44,398 --> 00:14:46,349 night, what do you say we go together? 291 00:14:46,418 --> 00:14:48,185 ( laughter ) 292 00:14:48,252 --> 00:14:49,920 And, as for your attire, 293 00:14:49,988 --> 00:14:52,422 it is inappropriate for the nanny to be seen 294 00:14:52,490 --> 00:14:55,292 in such revealing outfits in front of the master and his children. 295 00:14:55,359 --> 00:14:57,094 Please, if I wanted to be revealing, 296 00:14:57,162 --> 00:15:00,998 I could have unbuttoned these buttons and I wouldn't have worn a bra. 297 00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:02,799 Oh, woo, peek-a-boo. 298 00:15:02,867 --> 00:15:04,168 ( laughter ) 299 00:15:06,404 --> 00:15:08,339 How can you stand him? 300 00:15:08,406 --> 00:15:11,175 I mean, he's so cold, stuffy and repressed. 301 00:15:11,242 --> 00:15:13,944 I know, honey, but he is your father. 302 00:15:14,012 --> 00:15:15,546 Oh, you meant Trevor? 303 00:15:15,614 --> 00:15:18,215 Why are you children still here? You should be in school. 304 00:15:18,283 --> 00:15:22,052 Oh, Fran is taking us to Maury Povich to see that 80-pound baby. 305 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:24,021 Mm. 306 00:15:24,022 --> 00:15:26,256 Here, dad doesn't need to know. 307 00:15:26,257 --> 00:15:28,692 Excuse me, but I cannot be bribed. 308 00:15:30,295 --> 00:15:32,696 This one's gonna be trouble. 309 00:15:32,764 --> 00:15:34,198 ( laughter ) 310 00:15:38,103 --> 00:15:42,906 ( laughter ) 311 00:15:42,974 --> 00:15:45,676 Oh, my God, Frieda. 312 00:15:45,743 --> 00:15:47,244 ( laughter ) 313 00:15:47,311 --> 00:15:51,915 I know. It took forever to paper up those carved mahogany walls. 314 00:15:51,983 --> 00:15:53,216 ( laughter ) 315 00:15:53,284 --> 00:15:55,819 But, don't judge it now. 316 00:15:55,886 --> 00:15:59,656 When I get my furniture out of storage, it will fill in all those bare spots. 317 00:15:59,724 --> 00:16:02,225 ( laughter ) 318 00:16:02,293 --> 00:16:04,528 Listen, Frieda, I want to talk to you about Niles. 319 00:16:04,595 --> 00:16:08,331 I want him back, and you can get anyone to do what he does around here. 320 00:16:08,399 --> 00:16:11,335 Niles: Oh, Frieda! It's booty call! 321 00:16:11,402 --> 00:16:16,874 ( laughter ) 322 00:16:19,644 --> 00:16:23,748 Niles, you hussy you. 323 00:16:24,916 --> 00:16:26,750 Don't knock it, baby. 324 00:16:26,818 --> 00:16:29,352 You're wearing a diamond ring? 325 00:16:29,420 --> 00:16:31,021 And a dental plan! 326 00:16:31,089 --> 00:16:33,223 ( laughter ) 327 00:16:33,291 --> 00:16:34,992 I'm shag-a-delic, baby. 328 00:16:35,059 --> 00:16:36,861 ( laughter ) 329 00:16:38,396 --> 00:16:41,765 Oh, Franny, it's so nice to have a man around the house. 330 00:16:41,833 --> 00:16:44,735 Nilesy, I'm going to start the bath. 331 00:16:46,204 --> 00:16:50,140 Don't be long, my private dancer. 332 00:16:50,207 --> 00:16:53,176 ( laughter ) 333 00:16:53,244 --> 00:16:55,912 Niles, I don't believe you. 334 00:16:55,980 --> 00:16:59,015 Dressing up in sexy clothes, throwing yourself at your boss. 335 00:16:59,083 --> 00:17:01,185 It's sick, sick, sick, sick, sick. 336 00:17:01,252 --> 00:17:02,820 ( laughter ) 337 00:17:02,887 --> 00:17:05,790 Well, it seems the only way I can make your high salary 338 00:17:05,857 --> 00:17:09,326 is to shake my groove thing with aunt Frieda. 339 00:17:09,394 --> 00:17:11,795 What do you mean, 'my high salary'? 340 00:17:11,863 --> 00:17:15,866 I saw your credit card application. You put down that you make $50,000 a year. 341 00:17:15,933 --> 00:17:20,670 Oh, I had to. That's the same thing when I tell Mr. Sheffield that I'm 29. 342 00:17:20,738 --> 00:17:23,474 I'm seeking "approval." 343 00:17:23,541 --> 00:17:24,908 ( laughter ) 344 00:17:24,976 --> 00:17:27,010 Now, come on, I'm taking you home. 345 00:17:27,078 --> 00:17:29,682 No, no, I will not have Mr. Sheffield constantly 346 00:17:29,694 --> 00:17:31,882 calling me a "snoop." I have my dignity. 347 00:17:31,950 --> 00:17:35,953 Frieda: Nilesy, put on the bell with the Speedo with the bull's-eye. 348 00:17:36,021 --> 00:17:39,923 ( laughter ) 349 00:17:41,225 --> 00:17:43,827 Look, it's too late to come back now. 350 00:17:43,895 --> 00:17:45,696 I've made Frieda's bed, 351 00:17:45,764 --> 00:17:47,598 and now I have to lie in it. 352 00:17:47,732 --> 00:17:50,201 ( laughter ) 353 00:17:50,268 --> 00:17:52,136 Well, fine. 354 00:17:52,204 --> 00:17:55,906 Just remember, I've been working with Mr. Sheffield almost five years, 355 00:17:55,974 --> 00:18:00,176 and still I haven't slept with him. It's official. I'm a schmuck. 356 00:18:00,244 --> 00:18:01,745 ( laughter ) 357 00:18:04,816 --> 00:18:06,750 I fixed you a drink, Miss Babcock. 358 00:18:06,818 --> 00:18:09,687 I thought you might be nervous about Dr. Brothers' visit. 359 00:18:09,754 --> 00:18:11,922 I hope she picks you. 360 00:18:11,990 --> 00:18:13,457 ( laughter ) 361 00:18:13,524 --> 00:18:17,327 Trevor, it doesn't matter. I'm not going anywhere. 362 00:18:17,395 --> 00:18:21,965 Nanny Fine might be dumb enough to honor our deal, but I'm in show business. 363 00:18:22,032 --> 00:18:24,067 My promises don't mean squat. 364 00:18:24,135 --> 00:18:26,136 ( laughter ) 365 00:18:32,244 --> 00:18:36,280 Oh, Nanny Fine, that is low! 366 00:18:38,549 --> 00:18:42,519 Well, I had to pull out the big guns. You went to finishing school! 367 00:18:42,587 --> 00:18:44,221 I had trouble finishing school. 368 00:18:44,289 --> 00:18:46,623 ( Doorbell rings ) 369 00:18:46,691 --> 00:18:49,960 Well, you look ridiculous. 370 00:18:50,028 --> 00:18:55,532 That is a cheap, dowdy, matronly sack. 371 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:58,168 ( laughter ) 372 00:19:04,943 --> 00:19:07,845 On you it sings! 373 00:19:07,912 --> 00:19:09,580 ( laughter ) 374 00:19:09,648 --> 00:19:14,685 Hello, C.C. Babcock, everyone's choice for Mrs. Sheffield. 375 00:19:14,753 --> 00:19:15,986 ( laughter ) 376 00:19:16,054 --> 00:19:19,489 Hi, Dr. Brothers, good to see you again. 377 00:19:19,557 --> 00:19:20,657 ( laughs ) 378 00:19:23,228 --> 00:19:26,997 You know, I don't want you to feel any pressure at all to pick me, you know, 379 00:19:27,064 --> 00:19:32,669 just because I could get Mr. Sheffield to listen to your score for Nuts. 380 00:19:32,737 --> 00:19:34,137 I'm a professional, dear, 381 00:19:34,205 --> 00:19:36,707 you can't play passive-aggressive with me. 382 00:19:36,774 --> 00:19:39,843 Oh, well, what do you say to this? I got a rich aunt. 383 00:19:39,910 --> 00:19:41,311 There's more where that came from. 384 00:19:41,379 --> 00:19:42,613 ( laughter ) 385 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:44,381 No? 386 00:19:44,449 --> 00:19:50,320 Dr. Brothers, you don't need her. I am in show business. 387 00:19:50,388 --> 00:19:56,293 I can arrange that pitch a meeting with Maxwell. I promise. 388 00:19:56,361 --> 00:19:57,661 ( laughter ) 389 00:19:57,729 --> 00:20:00,597 Ma, where did you come from? 390 00:20:00,664 --> 00:20:01,999 ( laughter ) 391 00:20:02,066 --> 00:20:04,801 The butler wouldn't let me in. 392 00:20:04,869 --> 00:20:07,604 The boy had to help me up the trellis. 393 00:20:07,671 --> 00:20:09,272 ( laughter ) 394 00:20:11,308 --> 00:20:13,176 The Sheffield line ends here, okay? 395 00:20:13,244 --> 00:20:15,278 ( laughter ) 396 00:20:15,346 --> 00:20:17,047 I want to come back, hide me please? 397 00:20:17,115 --> 00:20:18,482 What happened? 398 00:20:18,549 --> 00:20:21,685 I can handle the Jacuzzis, and giving the oil massages, 399 00:20:21,753 --> 00:20:26,156 I can even suck on a big toe the size of a Louisville Slugger but I will not... 400 00:20:26,224 --> 00:20:27,291 do windows. 401 00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:28,925 ( laughter ) 402 00:20:28,993 --> 00:20:30,394 Frieda: Nilesy! 403 00:20:30,462 --> 00:20:31,928 Oh, God, Sasquatch. 404 00:20:36,834 --> 00:20:40,404 ( Arguing ) 405 00:20:42,072 --> 00:20:44,174 Quiet! 406 00:20:44,241 --> 00:20:47,310 Trevor, what the hell is going on in my house? 407 00:20:47,379 --> 00:20:50,714 I wouldn't know, I don't get involved in other people's business. 408 00:20:50,782 --> 00:20:53,150 Well, that's not much bloody good to me, is it? 409 00:20:53,217 --> 00:20:54,217 ( laughter ) 410 00:20:54,285 --> 00:20:55,585 You're fired. 411 00:20:55,653 --> 00:20:57,020 ( Cheering ) 412 00:20:57,088 --> 00:20:59,923 - You, you're rehired. - Do I get a raise? 413 00:20:59,990 --> 00:21:01,892 - No! - I'll take it. 414 00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:03,460 ( laughter ) 415 00:21:05,296 --> 00:21:07,297 - Hello. - Hello. 416 00:21:07,598 --> 00:21:11,369 Miss Fine, what is Dr. Joyce Brothers doing in my sitting room? 417 00:21:11,370 --> 00:21:13,804 Well, if you must know, she's here to decide 418 00:21:13,871 --> 00:21:16,272 whether me or Miss Babcock is more right for you. 419 00:21:16,341 --> 00:21:18,041 Not that it's any of your business. 420 00:21:18,108 --> 00:21:19,409 ( laughter ) 421 00:21:19,477 --> 00:21:22,045 What? You can't be serious. 422 00:21:22,113 --> 00:21:25,214 You two have turned into a couple of complete morons. 423 00:21:25,483 --> 00:21:27,817 - It was Val's idea. - It was Val's idea. 424 00:21:27,885 --> 00:21:29,553 ( laughter ) 425 00:21:29,620 --> 00:21:33,389 Dr. Brothers, I don't know under what pretence these two got you here, 426 00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:35,859 but I do apologize for their lunacy. 427 00:21:35,927 --> 00:21:37,261 No problem. 428 00:21:37,328 --> 00:21:41,331 Act one: a lone, schizophrenic prostitute sings. 429 00:21:41,399 --> 00:21:44,001 ( laughter ) 430 00:21:44,068 --> 00:21:46,904 ♪ I stabbed a man in the guts ♪ 431 00:21:48,172 --> 00:21:50,239 ♪ Now they call me nuts ♪ 432 00:21:50,307 --> 00:21:53,343 ♪ But I can't help it ♪ 433 00:21:53,411 --> 00:21:57,381 ( laughter ) 434 00:21:57,449 --> 00:22:01,151 ( applause ) 435 00:22:06,257 --> 00:22:09,126 Yes, and this is the room where Miss Bouviere first met... 436 00:22:09,194 --> 00:22:10,260 Niles! 437 00:22:10,327 --> 00:22:11,328 Tour is over, no refunds. 438 00:22:11,395 --> 00:22:12,730 ( laughter ) 439 00:22:16,367 --> 00:22:21,471 ( applause ) 33621

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