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1 Well, I found my gift for Yetta's bridal shower.

I got her the "Kama Sutra," big-print edition.

( laughter )

Niles, she's an elderly woman.

Meanwhile, with her new bionic hips,

this page 89 is like a walk in the park.

( laughter )

What did you get your grandmother? ( chuckles )

Oh, I can't afford to get anything. I don't know where all my money goes.

Watch it, you're gonna spill on my new Gucci bag.

( laughter )

Oh, Miss Fine, oh, that is a lovely outfit you're wearing.

Oh, you like? I just bought it.

You're in a good mood this morning.

Well, why should I be depressed

just because a woman three times my age is getting married before me?

( laughter )

Oh, mazel tov, you're getting married!

( laughter )

Why on earth is Yetta getting married at her age?

I was wondering that myself. I guess it's because somebody asked her.

( laughter )

Yes, well, she waited a long time

before rushing into a second marriage

and that's a very wise thing.

Eh.

Nanny Fine, have you seen this month's issue of "Park Place Magazine"?

Oh, who cares, it's always some horsey-looking debutante

clutching her blue-blood fiancé.

( laughter )

Oh, Miss Babcock, it's you and Chester!

( laughter )

They did a spread on wealthy heiresses and their dogs.

Ah, look at this.

I didn't know that you walk Chester in Central Park.

Not me, Lupe.

That is, till she up and died on me.

( laughter )

Besides, who's gonna bust me? The mutt? Hehe.

( Dog growls )

( laughter )

You know, Miss Babcock, with all your dough,

you really should find a place to hide that money before the government gets it.

How about right here?

( laughter )

Oh, well, Nanny Fine, if you're strapped for cash, I have a job

that would utilize your unique talents.

Oh?

You know how to use a pooper-scooper, don't you?

( laughter )

Are you suggesting that I be your dog-walker?

I'll pay you $10 an hour.

Please! Do you know what I get paid to watch three children?

Half that. When do I start?

( laughter )

♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell make-up but the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran. ♪

Ma, why did you book Harry's Clam Bar when Daddy's Elk Lodge

would have been so much better for Yetta's shower?

Honey, Daddy is not an Elk anymore.

Sylvia, you told my mother he was no longer a stallion.

How many clubs does he belong to?

( laughter )

What's Yetta's fiancé like anyway? I never even met him.

What's to meet? He's one of the altacockers at the home.

( laughter )

What's an altacocker?

Well, literally it means "Old Cock" or "Spaniel."

A very affectionate term.

Okay.

Here's my shower plan.

Look who's planning her own shower.

Yesterday, you wore your underpants as a beret.

( laughter )

I don't have to take that from you.

I'm not even sure you're mine.

( laughter )

You don't have to say that...

Miss Fine, Miss Fine, what seems to be the problem here?

What problem? It's just three generations of Fine women planning a shower.

Oh, yes, that's right, I hear you've already booked Harry's Clam Bar.

What a pity, you could have had it here.

All: Okay!

( laughter )

- Nanny Fine? - Yeah?

Chester just ate his kibble and now he needs to go number two.

Oh...

already?

Boy, I should have some of that kibble for breakfast.

Oh,

- here, Franny, - What?

I won a whole case of chocolate ex-lax playing bingo.

( laughter )

That's a prize?

I guess when you're a senior, taking ex-lax is like taking Ecstasy.

( laughter )

Fran, this park is a great place to scope out guys.

Oh, well, you know, honey, your father and I are sort of an item.

He's just waiting until the time is right.

Uh-huh. And that pony daddy promised me?

- Yeah? - Glue.

( laughter )

All right, and we're off.

How's my lipstick? Good?

- Uh-huh. - Hair big enough?

Blocking the sun.

Perfect. Look sharp, there's a live one.

Excuse me, miss, I've just come over and tell you

that you have the most beautiful mother I've ever seen.

Hehe.

Well, she's not my mother, she's my sister.

Hehe.

Oh, I'm really her nanny.

Oh.

I'm Brian.

Oh, hi, Brian, I'm Fran, and this is Gracie, and this is Chester.

Oh, you look like you could breed some champions.

Well, all us Fine women are pretty fertile.

Oh, you meant the dog. Hehe.

My dog's around here somewhere, a Dalmatian. Her name is Dot.

Oh, Dot? That's... cute.

Ah, she's over there. She loves running around the park with all the other dogs.

Oh, doesn't that look fun, Chester?

Here, why don't you go network?

Let's go.

There you go. Good boy, go.

Play. Good work!

Oh, Chester, stop it! Stop that! Don't do that! Oh, how embarrassing.

( Chuckles ) If I could do what he's doing, I'd never leave the house.

( laughs )

Oh, that Chester's a lucky boy. He gets to go home with the world's cutest nanny.

Oh, well, your day may come.

( laughter )

Where's Chester?

- Chester! - Chester!

- Chester! - Chester!

Where is he? I don't see him.

You look over there, I'll check over by the fountain.

- Chester! - Chester!

- Chester! - Chester!

Fran, he's gone!

- Chester! - Chester!

- Chester! - Chester!

Oh oh oh! Oh, my God!

Oh, Gracie! You lost Chester.

( laughter )

( crying )

Oh, there, there, Miss Fine, it's all right. We'll find him.

It's not like you lost one of the children.

Gracie!

- I'm here, Fran. - Oh, Gracie...

( kissing sound )

I just called the police precinct. They're sending over Jeff.

- Oh, good. - Jeff?

Ex-boyfriend, has his own handcuffs,

looks like a younger version of you.

( laughter )

Well, I really don't see any reason to involve the police right now.

I mean, Miss Babcock should just call the pound first.

Oh, Miss Babcock! How am I gonna tell her? She's gonna be devastated!

She'd slept with Chester every night!

Well, on the upside, she won't be so cramped in that little basket.

( laughter )

Oh oh, Miss Babcock.

I have something to tell you that is going to be very hard for you to take.

You asked her to marry you, you scum!

10 years of my life, I have...

C.C., C.C., C.C.! Miss Fine

lost Chester in Central Park.

Oh, shoo. You scared the heck out of me, you...

( doorbell rings )

Oh, Miss Fine? Ace Ventura's here.

( laughter )

Hello, Maxwell.

Bob's gonna tap in your phone line here so we can run a trace.

Oh, you're running a phone trace?

Well, we've been having a series of Central Park dognappings.

Yeah, we think they staked out Chester since he was on the cover of the magazine.

- They? - Yes, well, we believe

the perps are a husband-and-wife team.

My perp's not single?

( laughter )

Oh, Jeff, I can't believe Chester was kidnapped.

I'm so happy you're here.

Wow, have you been working out, you're like a rock!

( laughter )

Excuse me, excuse me...

( laughter )

Let's not forget the urgency of a missing dog, here, please?

( Phone rings )

Fran, answer, that could be him.

I don't want you to be nervous, I'm going to guide you through this, okay?

She knows how to talk into a bloody telephone.

( laughter )

Now, see if you recognize the voice, okay?

Hello?

I do. It's Ma.

( laughter )

Hi, Ma. Oh, hold on one minute, I'm getting a call waiting.

Hello? ( gasps )

Now, you listen, and you listen good.

If you ever want to see Chester alive again...

Okay, I'll hold. She has to hang up with her mother.

( laughter )

Arianna, shut that darned window. I'm trying to demand a ransom here!

You just want to flirt with that nanny! You flirt with all dog owners, even men!

One time, it got you a big screen TV. Let it go!

( laughter )

Hello? Uh-huh. Ooh,

Now I lost my place!

( Dog barks )

Yeah, yeah, you tell C.C. Babcock I want $20,000

and if she tries to involve the police or the media,

I'm sending her dog back to her one paw at a time.

Eh?

Please! I can't take that horrible sound!

Well, I'm sorry, sir, but this happens to be my natural voice!

( laughter )

Oh, no, he said he wants $20,000 or Chester gets it.

Would you give me that?

Me and that mutt are supposed to shoot the cover of "Redbook" on Tuesday.

Hello, mister.

I'm going to tell you the same thing I told my poverty-stricken uncle

who needed an operation.

Nobody squeezes a dime out of C.C. Babcock!

I am addressing the man who stole my dog.

CC: Here is your $20,000.

Only I'm offering this as a reward to whomever turns you in.

You have 24 hours to bring me back my little...

- Man: Pomeranian. - Pomeranian.

( laughter )

Otherwise, anywhere you go, you're gonna have to ask yourself,

"Is this the day they get me?"

( laughter )

Val, let's go get our coats.

Why?

Because we're gonna get that kidnapper ourselves.

How? We don't even know where he is.

Well, I talked to him on the phone.

I heard an ice-cream truck in the background

that was playing "The Way We Were."

( gasps ) So?

( laughter )

So, where in New York does an ice-cream truck play a Barbara Streisand ballad?

- Greenwich Village! - Greenwich Village!

( laughter )

We are going to rescue Chester and collect that 20 grand!

So if I help you, we'll split it 50/50?

60/40.

Wait a minute, why 60/40?

Well, I'm the one that lost him, Val!

( laughter )

( music )

( ice cream truck music )

( school bell )

Fran: Val, that's a recess bell.

I heard that bell over the phone.

Pull over by that school.

Fran, I am so impressed with how you used your charms

to borrow this ice-cream truck.

Yeah, I know, but I'll tell you,

I'm not looking forward to dating a guy who's made his career

out of being known as Mr. Softie.

( laughter )

That Babcock chick turned the tables on us.

All right? She's offered a reward to whoever turns me in.

How much is she offering?

Twenty thou...

What do you care?

Don't get so hysterical!

On the news they said they were looking for somebody who looks like Art Garfunkel.

( laughter )

Uh-oh.

I can't believe the whole city's after me.

I can't even walk outside. You know, I could get killed.

( Music )

Oh, baby, please, will you get me an ice-cream?

Are you listening to me? They could gun me down.

( laughter )

Baby, I'm so hot.

I could use a Nutty Buddy.

( laughter )

Hello? May I help you?

Yeah, let me have a Dreamsicle and a Nutty Buddy, and make it quick.

Okay.

Now, they're a dollar each,

so that would be...

oh.

Thank you!

Val, Val! That's the guy that stole Chester! That's him!

Oh, my God. Art Garfunkel has to steal a dog?

( laughter )

( dog barking )

How do we know which apartment he went into?

I... I can't think with that dog barking.

( laughter )

Yeah, blame it on the dog, Val.

Get down on all fours, come on.

Fran, I know you miss walking Chester, but I'm not gonna...

Val! I wanna look in the window!

Oh.

( Dog barking )

Oh, yeah, I see Chester.

Oh, what do you want?

Well, um, if my friend sells one more magazine subscription,

she gets to go to that special camp.

( laughter )

Oh, I miss my little Chester.

You know, I used to let him sleep with me.

Let him? Who do you think taught him to beg?

( laughter )

( phone rings )

That's our guy.

Okay, pick it up. Come on.

This is C.C. Babcock.

Well, you were so willing to risk your dog's life,

what would you say if I told you that I had Fran Fine?

( laughter )

Well, it would go something like this...

Woohoo!

( laughter )

C.C., for God's sakes.

Listen, this is Maxwell Sheffield.

Now, don't hurt her! I'll give you anything you want.

Um, wait a minute.

I never thought I'd say this,

but I want to hear Miss Fine's voice.

( laughter )

Your boss is on the phone.

Mr. Softie?

( laughter )

Miss Fine, can you hear me?

Oh, Mr. Sheffield! Help...

All right, that's enough.

Now, you listen carefully, Sheffield. You have 30 minutes.

Here are your instructions.

( laughter )

Brian: Put 40 grand in a paper bag, go to the bowling alley

on University and 12th.

At the bowling alley, rent shoes and a bowling bag.

Put the money in the bag and put on the shoes.

Go to lane seven where the Jenny Craig league is bowling.

There will be a note under the first chair.

( laughter )

Brian: That note has a map to a YMCA. Go to the swimming pool.

At the bottom of the pool, there's a key

to a locker with a cell phone in it.

At exactly 5:00 o'clock,

I'll be calling to tell you where we'll make the exchange.

Darn, we lost him.

He wouldn't have actually jumped into the pool wearing a tracking device, would he?

( The three talking ) Yeah, he would. Yeah.

( laughter )

Well, he's on his own now.

( Phone ringing )

Hello!

Brian: You did very well.

Yes, well,

considering I forgot to write anything down.

( laughter )

Now, give me back my nanny!

( laughter )

Hey, I'm giving the orders here.

Now, walk one block west to the Chinese restaurant.

Hand the money to the woman in the black hat. And then you can have your friends.

Ms. Levine, you're going to be rolling in cash.

( Gasps )

Levine?

Well, I'll tell you, Val, when Jews go bad.

( laughter )

Woah, woah. What are you doing?

I was reaching for some chocolates.

Oh, chocolate!

I love chocolate.

I've got some delicious chocolates that my grandma gave me

that she won playing Bingo.

You want some?

( laughter )

Where I come from, chocolate is an aphrodisiac.

Oh, you come from Flushing.

You got any more?

Sure. Here.

Help yourself.

You know what? I would like some.

No, Val.

All of a sudden, they're your friends?

Who are you? Patty Hearst?

( laughter )

Okay? Okay. Arianna's walking toward your boss. She's running toward your boss.

She's running past your boss without taking the money and...

flinging a construction worker out of a Porta-Potty.

Oh, I better go see what she... ooh.

( laughter )

Mm. I'm gonna go take care of...

What happened? Why did he run away?

Well, you know, Val, when you gotta go, you gotta go.

- Mr. Sheffield! In the car! - Help us!

God, oh, my God, are you all right?

You're my hero!

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you know, in Israel

there's an ancient custom that says when a man saves a woman's life

she must stand by his side forever

in a professionally decorated mock Tudor house on a large corner lot in Great Neck.

Yes, but we don't live in Israel.

Hehe. I know. Hehe. Want a piece of chocolate?

( laughter )

Yetta?

Before I go to the market, what would you like for your shower?

Some of those rubber daisies for the bottom of the tub...

( laughter )

and one of those detachable water massages.

( laughter )

They're fun.

( laughter )

Actually, I meant for your wedding shower.

And yes, they are.

( laughter )

( applause )