Original subtitles

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1 So, what's happening with you and Mr. Sheffield?

Na-da.

( laughter )

Ever since me and Mr. Sheffield started to heat things up

we haven't had one minute alone together.

Open your mouth. Just say, "Go away, leave us alone,

we want privacy."

Go away, leave us alone, we want privacy.

There you go.

( laughter )

Ah, Miss Fine.

Oh, hi.

Sylvia, would you mind? I'd like some time alone with your daughter.

There are some Hershey's Kisses under the cushions on the couch.

( laughter )

Ah, Miss Fine, so nice to finally have some time alone together.

- Yeah. - I've missed you.

- Me too you. - Which couch?

The office!

( laughter )

You were saying.

( laughter )

I know I've been dragging my feet a little

with regards to our relationship,

but I'm gonna change that.

I think it's time you and I had a date.

Oh, my God, you're asking me out on a date?

Yes, yes, yes. I was thinking Friday night.

Oh, I can't I, gotta cook for the Sabbath.

Oh, really?

Yeah, right! Where are we going?

( laughter )

Well, as you know, I've been dying to get Elton John to star in my musical

and it so happens he's invited me to the premiere of his new movie,

"Tantrums and Tiaras."

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

you don't know how happy this makes me.

Not only have you asked me out on a date,

but you actually trust me to not be concerned that I'm gonna embarrass you

in front of a celebrity.

( laughter )

Of course.

♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell make-up but the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran. ♪

I just don't understand

why Maxwell would ask Nanny Fine on a date.

I should be going to Elton John's dinner, not her.

I am the one with sophistication.

I am the one with savvy.

Why would he pick her over me?

( Yelling ) He doesn't like you!

( laughter )

Why?

( laughter )

Miss Babcock, I would love to help you.

But ever since the heart attack, the one you're partly responsible for,

I get easily winded. I can't speak and work at the same time.

( laughter )

Well, what am I doing wrong?

Well, for one thing, you've known him for 25 years,

or half your life, and you don't even know the names of his children.

( laughter )

Okay. Good, good.

Learn the kids' names. That's a start.

( laughter )

Yeah, this is nice. We're helping each other.

That's what friends are for.

You know there's a very strange fungus in Brighton's shower. Would you mind?

Sure, pal.

( laughter )

Niles, do you think Miss Babcock's upset

that I asked Nanny Fine out on a date?

Oh, no, sir.

I'd hate for her to think I didn't like her.

Oh, wherever would she ever get that idea?

( laughter )

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe from some big fat butler screaming into her face?

( laughter )

Oh, stop it. I know those are blimey Tic Tacs.

( laughter )

I'm sick to death of the whole thing.

I want the two of you to stop behaving like children.

Good God, Miss Fine and I are the only two around here behaving like adults.

( Screaming )

Oh, it's a fun day!

Oh, Fran, this is so exciting!

Okay, okay, we gotta go. I mean, I'm not 16 anymore,

- but isn't he a babe? - Yes!

And look how great our names fit together.

- I know. - Oh, God.

Oh boy, that's going to kill me tomorrow.

Oh, Val, can you believe this is happening?

First, he cops a feel on the week that I'm retaining. Is that luck or what?

Then he lets you remodel.

- Yeah. - Then he asks you out.

Oh, finally, my feet are firmly planted on the ground.

Now, I just gotta make sure I speed things up before my tuchus is there too.

( laughter )

You know, I do isometrics to keep my butt firm.

You know, I'm doing them right now.

Get off my bed, Val.

( laughter )

I'll tell you, you know what's really going to impress Mr. Sheffield,

when I tell him at the dinner that I have already met Elton John.

Get out of here. How?

Well, remember that Sheffield vacation in the south of France

that I couldn't get out of?

Oh, you mean the one where you told Mr. Sheffield that

if anything happens to Grace, you're the only one with her blood type?

Uh-huh.

Well, anyway, Elton was staying at that same hotel.

I saw him playing tennis and I yelled at him, "Yoo hoo."

You always know the perfect thing to say.

( laughter )

Oh!

Well, you know, Val, when you travel in circles like I do,

you just get glib.

Oh, kids, kids! Come in here.

You're not going to believe the most incredible thing that's happened.

Your father is taking us to the screening of Elton John's new movie,

and then there's a big private dinner party afterwards.

- Are you serious? - Uh-huh.

I'm going to Elton John's dinner party?

No.

Isn't that great?

It's just me and your father. It's our first date.

You're not going, and you're not going.

Everybody that's going to Elton John's private dinner party,

take one step forward.

( laughter )

Well, Niles, is everyone ready?

Maxwell, Margaret, Brighton, Gracie?

Oh.

Very good. And...?

And what?

Oh, for heaven's sake, he's your favorite. Little Sydney.

( laughter )

There are four?

Oh, right, I know him.

Yep, yep, I've seen that face.

Of course you have.

Niles, are you done with my picture of us with Macaulay Culkin?

( laughter )

( doorbell rings )

( laughter )

Sylvia. You look amazing.

( laughter )

Thank you. It's from the Jo Anne Worley Collection.

( laughter )

Ma, how could you wear pants to a formal affair?

This isn't a gown?

( laughter )

Oh, here I am, thinking I'm looking so sexy with this high slit.

( laughter )

( applause )

Hi.

Ah, this is gonna be such a great night, and I'm so happy

you guys get to share it with me.

But if I see your faces after the screening, you're dead,

'cause that's when the date kicks in.

( laughter )

Sweetheart, do you remember the night of your prom,

when you came home with your dress all disheveled

and your bra sticking out of your purse?

Yeah?

Let's hope history repeats itself!

( laughter )

My God, you look lovely.

Thank you.

( laughter )

But it's Fran's night. Compliment her.

( laughter )

Well, I suppose we should get going.

Yes, yes, we should.

Let's go Margaret, Brighton, Gracie, Sydney.

( laughter )

You guys go ahead. I'll be out in a minute,

I just wanna check my face. I'll be okay.

Now, I know that we haven't talked

since John John went through with the wedding,

but I really love this guy.

So please help me to make everything go good tonight.

I suppose a sign that you heard me would be too much to ask?

Come on, Miss Fine. I'm afraid the limo's a tad crowded

so you're going to have to sit on my lap.

( laughter )

That'll do.

I want some popcorn.

I'll take you, Gracie.

( laughter )

No, I'll go.

No, no, Miss Fine, Miss Fine, I'll go. Remember,

you're not my nanny tonight.

Tonight, you're my date.

Haha.

And you're my escort.

You see to my needs.

You do it for me.

( laughter )

- You want something? - Rolos.

( laughter )

Well, he doesn't give a rat's patootie if I know the kids' names.

All he cares about is Nanny Fine.

Oh, you've still got a shot. Why else would he ask you to look after Sydney?

( laughter )

When did he do that?

I don't know, in the limo, when we stopped for gas.

Yetta's.

( laughter )

Well, where is he?

Oh, dear, I thought he was with you.

Sydney, Sydney.

( laughter )

Oh, hey, that's that hotel we stayed at.

Yeah, look, there's Elton playing tennis.

That's where I talked to him. That's where I said, "Yoo hoo."

- Do you want to tell me what happened? - Oh, I just lost my temper.

This bloody woman at the end of the court waving to me... "Yoo hoo."

( laughter )

And then it just pissed me off.

( laughter )

Oh, if Elton finds out that that was me,

he's never going to be in your father's show.

Oh, your father's gonna be a laughingstock, he's gonna be totally humiliated.

This is the worst thing I've ever done to him.

Well, why don't you just go home?

Oh, I don't want to ruin our first date.

( laughter )

This never would have happened if you knew your place with celebrities.

Ma.

You have to learn to use decorum.

( laughter )

Oh, Miss Close.

( laughter )

I loved you in "Sunset Boulevard."

( laughter )

Okay, think think.

I gotta get through that dinner without Elton recognizing me.

I need a disguise.

Yetta?

Yetta: What?

When you coming out of there?

Yetta: I can't decide whether to vote for Nixon or Kennedy.

( laughter )

Give me that wig, old woman.

( Fighting and speaking at the same time )

Oh, my God. This is just like

Patty Duke and Susan Hayward in "The Valley of the Dolls."

( laughter )

You'll have to excuse them.

( laughter )

They don't know how to act in front of celebrities.

( laughter )

( applause )

Elton, Elton, wonderful film, wonderful.

And, David, first-class directing job.

It must have been

quite a challenge to maintain control of the piece and yet

allow the vérité style to flow.

Who is this guy?

He gives a ton of money to the foundation.

Yes, it was.

So, Maxwell, you didn't come alone tonight, did you?

No, Elton, actually I'm taking the opportunity

to use this evening as a sort of a first date.

Well, that's very flattering, but you know I'm involved.

( laughter )

No!

No, no.

No no. No no no. She's in the ladies' room.

And quite a knockout, I may say.

( laughter )

Hello.

Here she is. Argh!

( laughter )

Oh, Elton John, I am such a big fan of yours.

Hi, I am Fran Fine. And that movie!

"Tantrums and Tiaras." It's sure to be a classic.

- Oh, Fran, - Yes.

You look awfully familiar.

Have we ever met?

No no no, that's impossible.

Man. Those glasses, they are fantastic.

No no no.

May I see you for a moment?

Oh, yeah, just a sec, honey. Tell me, Elton, whatever happened to that Kiki...

Aah!

( laughter )

Now I know why she's so familiar.

I have that jacket.

( laughter )

Would you kindly tell me what the hell is going on?

Why are you in this ridiculous disguise?

Well, I'm not going to tell you, because you're just going to get mad.

( Yelling ) No, I...

No, I'm not.

( laughter )

See?

You? You're the "Yoo hoo" lady?

( laughter )

Shh.

You're the raving lunatic everyone's talking about?

Come on, we're getting out of here.

Ow. Wait a minute.

You might still get him to do your show. He didn't recognize me.

Right now, he just thinks you're just some guy with a Estelle Getty fetish.

( laughter )

You know, Elton, Mr. Sheffield has this fabulous new musical

that you would be perfect for. Why don't you tell him about it?

Ah, yes, right, yes, yeah, right...

Yes, Elton, it's a rock musical and...

the...

You're eating a flower!

( laughter )

So, this is the first date for you two?

Actually, we have been together for four years,

but we just felt that it was time.

Waiter's hand.

( laughter )

Meanwhile, this elastic waistband is so tight it's cutting off my circulation.

I can't even feel my own tuchus.

Elton's tuchus.

( laughter )

I think it's going very well, don't you agree?

( laughter )

There you are. Where did you disappear tonight?

Well, I did what Maxwell said. Apparently I'm the only one who cares about his kids.

What are you talking about? Margaret took the children for ice cream.

I'm tired.

It's no wonder with all that running you did, Sydney.

He kept trying to get away from me

to go into "George of the Jungle," but I got him.

( laughter )

Oh, my God, you insane woman. You've kidnapped someone's child.

( laughter )

What?

There is no Sydney. I made him up, you lunatic.

Oh, my God, we're going to prison.

I stole someone's child?

I thought you were trying to help me?

Oh, you baboon. Why would I help you?

No no, this is all my fault. I've got to call that theater.

Okay, you can go. Here's 10 for you

and 10 for your mom.

But you promised us 50.

( laughter )

And if you'd remembered the part about needing your insulin, you'd be getting 50.

( laughter )

Well, Max, it's been a pleasure.

Oh, Elton, please, before you go, would you mind autographing

your new CD, "The Big Picture," for me?

Of course.

Do you happen to have one on you?

( laughter )

I'm not the sort of artist that goes around carrying his own CDs,

but lookie here.

Oh. Oh.

And, do you need one for an aunt maybe?

Or an optician?

( laughs )

Well, Elton, David, good luck with the film.

And about that show of yours, Max, sounds great.

Let's talk about it Tuesday.

Oh, wonderful wonderful!

Bye bye, nice meeting you.

( Applause )

That went very well.

I'm telling you, Maxwell Sheffield,

I am good for you.

So I take it, there's gonna be a second date?

Mm, you bet.

Oh, Elton forgot to autograph the CDs.

Oh, Elton, Elton, yoo hoo.

( laughter )

( applause )

Now, would you sign one for my sister-in-law, Frida?

( laughter )

And one for Hadassah Rego Park,

and just a few generic Glenn Close.

I'll fill in the greetings.

( laughter )

Would you like a sour ball?

( laughter )