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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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( Jazz music playing )
2
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Niles, any more of those little
sausage patties in the kitchen?
3
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Hello.
4
00:00:11,043 --> 00:00:12,511
Does that answer your question?
5
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Oh, look, there's a big article
6
00:00:17,850 --> 00:00:20,418
about the charity auction
that you're producing.
7
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- Hmm.
- How come you're standing
8
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right next to Fidel Castro?
9
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Ma, that's Miss Babcock.
10
00:00:26,725 --> 00:00:28,059
Niles had the paper first.
11
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Hmm.
12
00:00:31,763 --> 00:00:33,231
"Sheffield produces benefit
13
00:00:33,299 --> 00:00:35,499
for New York
restoration project."
14
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Oh, we're gonna make a fortune.
15
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( Both giggle )
16
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It's time the fat cats
put something back.
17
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Fine, but I already licked it.
18
00:00:46,278 --> 00:00:50,381
I am so sick of planning
this charity event.
19
00:00:50,449 --> 00:00:53,218
How am I gonna fit four
more people at this table?
20
00:00:53,286 --> 00:00:54,352
Give up your seat.
21
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Okay. Listen up.
22
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I am busting my butt
23
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for a benefit that
doesn't involve profit,
24
00:01:03,129 --> 00:01:04,295
and I've got PMS.
25
00:01:04,363 --> 00:01:05,663
The ice is thin!
26
00:01:09,635 --> 00:01:12,237
Ah. Good idea, C.C.,
27
00:01:12,304 --> 00:01:13,771
putting Tom at our table.
28
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Hmm.
29
00:01:16,642 --> 00:01:17,942
So who is Tom
30
00:01:18,010 --> 00:01:21,179
and does he have a Cruise,
Hanks or Selleck after his name?
31
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Rosenstein.
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00:01:24,517 --> 00:01:26,585
Does he have a "Dr." before it?
33
00:01:29,255 --> 00:01:31,536
He happens to be one
of the richest men in New York,
34
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and if schmoozed properly
35
00:01:33,525 --> 00:01:37,662
will be investing $5 million
in our next show.
36
00:01:37,730 --> 00:01:41,199
Wow! Never mind what he's got
in front or after his name.
37
00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:43,201
Does he have an "and Mrs."
anywhere near it?
38
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Look, Miss Fine,
this event won't interest you.
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No single men, no shrimp,
40
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- and no stars will be there.
- Oh.
41
00:01:53,011 --> 00:01:55,613
Well, what about Bette Midler?
I thought she was coming.
42
00:01:55,681 --> 00:01:56,681
( Gasps )
43
00:01:58,784 --> 00:02:00,851
But I also thought
I had an inheritance,
44
00:02:00,919 --> 00:02:02,959
and I'm probably wrong
about that, too.
45
00:02:05,424 --> 00:02:08,726
Oh, did I love Bette
in First Wives Club.
46
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I really enjoyed that movie.
47
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I found a theater
48
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that had real butter,
49
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not just that BS Canola oil.
50
00:02:24,643 --> 00:02:28,380
Was the divine Miss M
in this house?
51
00:02:36,054 --> 00:02:40,258
Was she here the day that
I miraculously found
52
00:02:40,325 --> 00:02:43,428
that ticket for Victor Victoria
on the front stoop?
53
00:02:45,998 --> 00:02:48,199
Ah!
54
00:02:48,267 --> 00:02:51,102
The auction's at 8:00.
Dress formal.
55
00:02:51,170 --> 00:02:52,971
But I wasn't lying
about the shrimp.
56
00:02:59,578 --> 00:03:02,380
♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing Queens ♪
57
00:03:02,448 --> 00:03:03,681
♪ 'Til her boyfriend
kicked her out ♪
58
00:03:03,748 --> 00:03:05,583
♪ In one of those
crushing scenes ♪
59
00:03:05,650 --> 00:03:07,370
♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪
60
00:03:07,419 --> 00:03:10,855
♪ She was out
on her fanny ♪
61
00:03:10,923 --> 00:03:13,191
♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪
62
00:03:13,258 --> 00:03:15,893
♪ She was there to sell
make-up, but father saw more ♪
63
00:03:15,961 --> 00:03:18,041
♪ She had style, she had
flair, she was there ♪
64
00:03:18,096 --> 00:03:21,499
♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪
65
00:03:21,567 --> 00:03:24,669
♪ Who would have guessed that
the girl we've described ♪
66
00:03:24,737 --> 00:03:26,904
♪ Was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪
67
00:03:26,972 --> 00:03:28,005
♪ Now the father finds
her beguiling ♪
68
00:03:28,073 --> 00:03:29,340
♪ Watch out C.C.♪
69
00:03:29,441 --> 00:03:30,942
♪ And the kids are
actually smiling ♪
70
00:03:31,010 --> 00:03:32,143
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
71
00:03:32,211 --> 00:03:33,544
♪ She is the lady in red ♪
72
00:03:33,612 --> 00:03:37,749
♪ When everybody else
is wearing tan ♪
73
00:03:37,816 --> 00:03:39,784
♪ The flashy girl
from Flushing ♪
74
00:03:39,852 --> 00:03:41,419
♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪
75
00:03:49,295 --> 00:03:50,861
Hi, Mr. Sheffield.
76
00:03:50,930 --> 00:03:52,496
I brought some
of my stuff in that
77
00:03:52,564 --> 00:03:54,399
I want to donate
to your auction.
78
00:03:54,466 --> 00:03:57,001
Now I've got my
"What's Happenin'" lunchbox.
79
00:03:57,069 --> 00:04:00,304
The "Raj"
thermos is a little bit cracked,
80
00:04:00,373 --> 00:04:04,375
but I don't really think that
that will affect the value.
81
00:04:04,443 --> 00:04:05,743
Oh, huh.
82
00:04:05,810 --> 00:04:08,179
Miss Fine, that's...
That's very sweet of you but,
83
00:04:08,247 --> 00:04:09,447
uh, well, you see,
84
00:04:09,581 --> 00:04:13,151
they're actually auctioning
off items like this.
85
00:04:13,218 --> 00:04:17,655
- Audrey Hepburn's Oscar, $30,000.
- Oh! Wow!
86
00:04:17,723 --> 00:04:20,691
Tennis match
with Andre Agassi, $50,000.
87
00:04:20,759 --> 00:04:23,628
Oh, my. Well,
I'm guessing that my
88
00:04:23,695 --> 00:04:25,530
autographed Donna Pescow
TV guide
89
00:04:25,598 --> 00:04:27,518
won't bring
in anywhere near that.
90
00:04:30,802 --> 00:04:33,704
Wait a minute!
91
00:04:33,772 --> 00:04:36,307
What do you think
that they would pay
92
00:04:36,375 --> 00:04:38,543
for a wise, responsible person
93
00:04:38,611 --> 00:04:41,379
to take care
of their children for a day?
94
00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:44,081
Oh, now that's a very good idea!
95
00:04:44,149 --> 00:04:45,149
- Hmm.
- As you know,
96
00:04:45,184 --> 00:04:46,217
I might even bid
on that myself...
97
00:04:46,285 --> 00:04:47,285
Oh, you mean you.
98
00:04:51,190 --> 00:04:53,558
Excuse me,
but what happened to the day
99
00:04:53,626 --> 00:04:56,261
when you actually tried
to hide your horror?
100
00:04:57,429 --> 00:05:00,431
Uh, well, um, you see,
uh, the thing is,
101
00:05:00,499 --> 00:05:02,933
I-I'm-I'm afraid that, um,
102
00:05:03,001 --> 00:05:05,403
you're...
You're so good that, um,
103
00:05:05,470 --> 00:05:07,672
someone might...
104
00:05:07,740 --> 00:05:10,841
steal you away from, um, me.
105
00:05:16,281 --> 00:05:17,982
Now, was that so hard?
106
00:05:22,755 --> 00:05:27,625
( "Moonlight Sonata" plays )
107
00:05:37,703 --> 00:05:39,737
( yawning )
108
00:05:39,805 --> 00:05:41,205
We should all pop a tic-tac,
109
00:05:41,273 --> 00:05:43,207
'cause we're about
to sleep together.
110
00:05:45,611 --> 00:05:47,311
- Miss Fine.
- Yeah?
111
00:05:47,379 --> 00:05:51,949
That is Tom's son
who is playing so beautifully.
112
00:05:53,218 --> 00:05:55,219
He's going to be a
concert pianist someday.
113
00:05:55,287 --> 00:05:56,420
- Mmm.
- Oh.
114
00:05:56,488 --> 00:05:59,256
You know,
my uncle Benny was a musician.
115
00:05:59,324 --> 00:06:01,893
Actually, it was his monkey
that was the musician.
116
00:06:03,895 --> 00:06:05,897
But Benny made all the costumes.
117
00:06:07,999 --> 00:06:10,802
So, Max, I read the first
act of your play,
118
00:06:10,869 --> 00:06:13,337
and I've been seriously thinking
about investing the $5 million.
119
00:06:13,405 --> 00:06:15,239
Oh, yeah, it's quite good,
isn't it?
120
00:06:15,307 --> 00:06:17,747
Dreadful, but I've been looking
for a surefire tax write-off.
121
00:06:19,478 --> 00:06:22,680
Well, Tom, look no further.
122
00:06:24,216 --> 00:06:26,083
Actually I have Act 2,
123
00:06:26,151 --> 00:06:28,319
or should I say act "phew"?
124
00:06:30,155 --> 00:06:31,823
Male Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,
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00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:34,992
the New York restoration project
is proud to present your host
126
00:06:35,060 --> 00:06:37,328
and auctioneer for the evening,
127
00:06:37,396 --> 00:06:39,363
Miss Bette Midler!
128
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( cheer and applause )
129
00:06:48,707 --> 00:06:50,341
Oh! Oh! Hello!
Hello, Miss Midler!
130
00:06:50,408 --> 00:06:54,279
- Oh, I just adore you!
- Oh, a fan, a fan!
131
00:06:54,346 --> 00:06:55,813
Oh, and I adore your accent.
132
00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:58,148
Oh, thanks.
I owe it all to Queens.
133
00:06:58,217 --> 00:06:59,483
Same with me and my career.
134
00:06:59,551 --> 00:07:00,884
Both: Ah!
135
00:07:03,489 --> 00:07:06,558
Oh, my mother and
I love her so much.
136
00:07:06,625 --> 00:07:10,194
All those outrageous
outfits and campy make-up.
137
00:07:10,262 --> 00:07:12,730
You can only get away
with that on stage.
138
00:07:14,299 --> 00:07:18,402
Okay, let's crank this
auction into gear.
139
00:07:18,470 --> 00:07:21,305
What am I bid
for this gorgeous antique chest,
140
00:07:21,373 --> 00:07:23,073
complete with
the original knobs?
141
00:07:23,142 --> 00:07:25,609
( All laugh )
142
00:07:25,677 --> 00:07:27,078
It's a joke!
143
00:07:27,145 --> 00:07:29,013
Put your hand down, Rabbi.
144
00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:30,848
( All laugh )
145
00:07:30,916 --> 00:07:32,583
But seriously, folks, you know,
146
00:07:32,651 --> 00:07:35,820
we're not here just
to clean up the parks.
147
00:07:35,887 --> 00:07:38,656
We're gonna get all the
trash out of this city.
148
00:07:38,724 --> 00:07:41,759
I did my part. I moved to LA.
149
00:07:41,827 --> 00:07:43,495
( All laugh )
150
00:07:45,464 --> 00:07:47,064
Time to start the bidding.
151
00:07:47,165 --> 00:07:49,667
Let's get the cheap items
out of the way first.
152
00:07:49,735 --> 00:07:51,975
Oh, good, that'll give me a
chance to go to the bathroom.
153
00:07:52,003 --> 00:07:54,239
Item number one, Fran Fine.
154
00:07:54,306 --> 00:07:57,175
Oh! Oh! Oh!
155
00:07:57,242 --> 00:07:58,242
Oh, it's you!
156
00:07:58,277 --> 00:08:00,211
Oh, Miss Midler!
157
00:08:00,278 --> 00:08:03,914
I'll tell you,
you are so awe-inspiring girl.
158
00:08:03,982 --> 00:08:05,949
I mean, to have a baby at 40.
159
00:08:06,017 --> 00:08:08,137
I can't even imagine
what that must be like.
160
00:08:08,186 --> 00:08:09,286
Let me tell you
161
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( squeals )
Aah!
162
00:08:12,290 --> 00:08:13,224
Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
163
00:08:13,292 --> 00:08:14,892
here we have the services
164
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,628
of a professional child
caregiver for one day.
165
00:08:17,696 --> 00:08:19,630
And let's start the bidding at
166
00:08:20,766 --> 00:08:21,833
20 bucks.
167
00:08:26,138 --> 00:08:28,206
Do I hear 22.50?
168
00:08:29,775 --> 00:08:31,409
25, anyone?
169
00:08:33,979 --> 00:08:35,846
Girl, you are on fire.
170
00:08:38,584 --> 00:08:40,117
Man: $1,000!
171
00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:44,255
I saw that in "Gypsy."
172
00:08:44,323 --> 00:08:45,589
"Gypsy?"
173
00:08:45,657 --> 00:08:47,158
The television version?
174
00:08:47,226 --> 00:08:48,226
Is there any other?
175
00:08:48,260 --> 00:08:49,820
( Squeals )
Aah!
176
00:08:49,862 --> 00:08:52,396
I myself bid $2,000.
177
00:08:53,599 --> 00:08:56,567
Okay, $3,000!
178
00:08:56,635 --> 00:08:58,235
$4,000!
179
00:08:58,303 --> 00:09:00,343
Niles: Take it off, honey!
Show us some skin!
180
00:09:04,109 --> 00:09:06,309
Sorry, sir, just trying
to drive the bidding up.
181
00:09:07,579 --> 00:09:10,014
$5,000!
182
00:09:10,049 --> 00:09:11,049
Yes!
183
00:09:11,115 --> 00:09:14,785
Alright!
Going once, going twice,
184
00:09:14,853 --> 00:09:19,690
sold to bidder number 550
for $5,000! Okay!
185
00:09:19,758 --> 00:09:21,960
Who the devil is number 550?
186
00:09:32,671 --> 00:09:35,706
Oh, I'm sorry, honey,
that I can't spend time with you
187
00:09:35,774 --> 00:09:39,911
but a little boy bid a lot of
money to spend the day with me.
188
00:09:40,012 --> 00:09:41,813
Hey, I've got $5,000.
189
00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:44,348
I'd pay that to have you
all to myself for a day.
190
00:09:44,416 --> 00:09:47,085
Oh, sweetie.
191
00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:51,455
Oh, no, it wouldn't be right.
No.
192
00:09:51,522 --> 00:09:53,291
Wouldn't be right.
193
00:09:53,358 --> 00:09:56,194
You know, if you hadn't
donated your services,
194
00:09:56,261 --> 00:09:58,896
I wouldn't have been
shamed into donating mine.
195
00:09:58,964 --> 00:10:01,565
Oh, big deal. It's one day,
you did a good deed,
196
00:10:01,633 --> 00:10:03,834
and you raised some money
for charity.
197
00:10:03,902 --> 00:10:06,570
Best 37 bucks I ever spent.
198
00:10:10,442 --> 00:10:14,445
You can start by washing the car
and changing the oil.
199
00:10:14,513 --> 00:10:15,646
You don't have a car.
200
00:10:15,714 --> 00:10:16,814
I rented one.
201
00:10:19,218 --> 00:10:21,218
( C.C. laughs )
202
00:10:21,286 --> 00:10:22,686
Ah, now, Miss Fine,
203
00:10:22,754 --> 00:10:24,388
before Tom and his son get here,
204
00:10:24,456 --> 00:10:27,791
- remember, we have a little
saying in the theater. -Mm-hmm.
205
00:10:27,859 --> 00:10:29,693
"Mess up with the investor.
206
00:10:29,761 --> 00:10:31,362
Move back in with your mother."
207
00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:36,467
Well, I have a saying, too.
208
00:10:36,535 --> 00:10:39,570
"Mess with the Nanny, please."
209
00:10:39,637 --> 00:10:41,338
( giggles )
210
00:10:42,373 --> 00:10:43,407
( doorbell rings )
211
00:10:43,474 --> 00:10:46,276
I'll get it. I'll get it.
212
00:10:46,344 --> 00:10:47,745
Isn't that a cute saying?
213
00:10:47,813 --> 00:10:50,714
Yes. Yes. Very funny, Miss Fine.
214
00:10:50,782 --> 00:10:52,450
( Clears throats )
Thank you.
215
00:10:52,517 --> 00:10:55,186
Ah, Tom, Keith, do come in.
216
00:10:55,253 --> 00:10:56,520
Welcome, both of you.
217
00:10:56,588 --> 00:10:58,589
Max, I read the second act.
218
00:10:58,657 --> 00:10:59,991
It's actually quite good.
219
00:11:00,058 --> 00:11:02,927
- Oh, we'll fix that.
- Okay.
220
00:11:02,928 --> 00:11:05,196
So, Tom, why don't you
go on ahead to the study,
221
00:11:05,263 --> 00:11:07,064
I'll be right in, hmm?
222
00:11:07,131 --> 00:11:09,633
See if we can't suck
the funny out of Act 2.
223
00:11:11,370 --> 00:11:13,730
So, Miss Fine, remember,
the child is a gifted pianist.
224
00:11:13,772 --> 00:11:14,872
Please make sure he practices
225
00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:16,860
at least two hours
like his father asks.
226
00:11:16,908 --> 00:11:17,948
Sure, sure, but, you know,
227
00:11:17,976 --> 00:11:21,212
the kid's gotta have
some fun, too.
228
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:24,515
Have you ever seen a lady
get her hair highlighted?
229
00:11:30,688 --> 00:11:32,123
Keith, I just want to thank you
230
00:11:32,190 --> 00:11:35,393
for offering to play the piano
for my grandma's rest home.
231
00:11:35,460 --> 00:11:36,660
When did I do that?
232
00:11:36,728 --> 00:11:38,662
At the Clinique counter.
Don't you remember?
233
00:11:38,730 --> 00:11:40,850
When we were getting
our eyebrows reshaped.
234
00:11:43,101 --> 00:11:44,869
Hi, Yettie.
235
00:11:44,936 --> 00:11:47,237
- Hi. Muah.
- Muah.
236
00:11:47,305 --> 00:11:49,006
Where is everybody?
237
00:11:49,073 --> 00:11:50,775
Exhausted.
238
00:11:50,843 --> 00:11:53,010
Last night the cable went out,
239
00:11:53,078 --> 00:11:55,480
so we broke into the vitamin E.
240
00:11:57,716 --> 00:12:00,518
That day room was like Caligula.
241
00:12:03,321 --> 00:12:04,655
Do you see that thumb?
242
00:12:04,723 --> 00:12:06,990
I lost it on Iwo Jima.
243
00:12:07,058 --> 00:12:08,725
That's my big toe
they put there.
244
00:12:08,794 --> 00:12:10,227
Couldn't tell, right?
245
00:12:10,295 --> 00:12:11,361
Eww!
246
00:12:12,764 --> 00:12:14,098
Honey,
247
00:12:14,166 --> 00:12:15,966
go play "Moonlight Sonata."
248
00:12:16,034 --> 00:12:18,869
And listen, don't be upset
if they're not impressed.
249
00:12:18,937 --> 00:12:21,705
Most of them heard Beethoven
do it himself.
250
00:12:23,509 --> 00:12:25,342
You're the entertainer today,
huh?
251
00:12:25,410 --> 00:12:28,412
Play something with
a Hava Nagila beat, you know?
252
00:12:28,413 --> 00:12:32,149
( Beethoven "Moonlight Sonata"
playing )
253
00:12:32,217 --> 00:12:33,717
I love that song!
254
00:12:33,785 --> 00:12:35,219
♪ Hello, Dolly ♪
255
00:12:35,287 --> 00:12:37,388
♪ Hello, Dolly ♪
256
00:12:37,455 --> 00:12:41,292
♪ It's so nice to have you
back where you belong ♪
257
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:43,360
Big finish! Everybody!
258
00:12:43,428 --> 00:12:44,829
♪ Dolly, don't go away ♪
259
00:12:44,896 --> 00:12:46,863
♪ Dolly, don't ever go away ♪
260
00:12:46,931 --> 00:12:48,699
♪ Dolly, don't ever go away... ♪
261
00:12:50,001 --> 00:12:51,035
( Thud )
262
00:12:56,441 --> 00:12:59,043
Oh, oh, Keith, you know,
it's alright.
263
00:12:59,110 --> 00:13:01,412
He-he-he's gonna be alright.
264
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:04,315
He's just taking a little break.
265
00:13:09,020 --> 00:13:10,955
This sort of thing
happens all the time.
266
00:13:11,022 --> 00:13:13,190
You just keep playing.
267
00:13:13,258 --> 00:13:14,759
I can't. I can't.
268
00:13:14,826 --> 00:13:16,693
Sure, you can. Sure, you can.
269
00:13:16,761 --> 00:13:19,263
He's just resting.
270
00:13:20,432 --> 00:13:21,865
Right, Yetta?
271
00:13:21,933 --> 00:13:23,033
Sure.
272
00:13:24,502 --> 00:13:26,037
Sweetheart,
273
00:13:26,104 --> 00:13:27,805
I'm next in line
274
00:13:27,873 --> 00:13:30,474
for that Italian guy's
corner room
275
00:13:30,542 --> 00:13:31,943
with the bidet.
276
00:13:32,844 --> 00:13:35,479
Can you play the Tarantella?
277
00:13:43,488 --> 00:13:45,222
Oh.
278
00:13:45,290 --> 00:13:47,524
I just spent four hours
putting together a gazebo
279
00:13:47,592 --> 00:13:49,760
for Miss Babcock's terrace.
280
00:13:49,828 --> 00:13:51,695
Miss Babcock
doesn't have a terrace.
281
00:13:51,763 --> 00:13:52,763
Now we both know.
282
00:13:54,966 --> 00:13:58,335
Chuck-chuck.
I need to hem my aunt's dress.
283
00:13:58,403 --> 00:14:00,538
Since when do you sew?
284
00:14:00,605 --> 00:14:03,374
Since I spent $37 on a dummy.
285
00:14:08,113 --> 00:14:10,014
Come on, play!
286
00:14:10,081 --> 00:14:12,583
Play! Play!
287
00:14:16,020 --> 00:14:17,688
I can't. I can't.
288
00:14:17,756 --> 00:14:20,958
I told you I don't ever
wanna play again.
289
00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:22,793
Maybe a nice piece of cheesecake
290
00:14:22,861 --> 00:14:25,329
would induce a
little "Muskrat Love?"
291
00:14:28,667 --> 00:14:31,001
I can't eat when I'm upset.
292
00:14:31,069 --> 00:14:34,071
Oh, that's right.
Your mother's a gentile.
293
00:14:38,276 --> 00:14:42,346
Maybe if you played at our home,
294
00:14:42,413 --> 00:14:44,548
it'd snap you out of it.
295
00:14:44,615 --> 00:14:46,016
No, wait.
296
00:14:46,084 --> 00:14:48,552
They don't want piano players.
297
00:14:48,619 --> 00:14:51,488
Some kid just killed a guy.
298
00:14:56,495 --> 00:14:58,229
Oh.
299
00:14:58,296 --> 00:15:00,597
Val, if he's this traumatized
300
00:15:00,665 --> 00:15:02,699
by seeing an old man die,
301
00:15:02,767 --> 00:15:04,801
what's he gonna do
when he sees Mr. Sheffield
302
00:15:04,869 --> 00:15:06,337
tear me apart?
303
00:15:06,404 --> 00:15:07,938
He's gonna turn into Tommy.
304
00:15:10,642 --> 00:15:12,643
I know what he's going through.
305
00:15:12,711 --> 00:15:14,244
I saw my grandfather die
306
00:15:14,313 --> 00:15:16,681
after his lung machine
suddenly stopped.
307
00:15:16,748 --> 00:15:18,282
Oh, it was so sad,
308
00:15:18,350 --> 00:15:20,418
'cause I brought him a tape
of our glee club,
309
00:15:20,485 --> 00:15:22,753
and just when I found a place
to plug it in...
310
00:15:24,455 --> 00:15:25,655
( sighs )
311
00:15:30,128 --> 00:15:31,428
he went.
312
00:15:36,668 --> 00:15:39,002
Val!
313
00:15:39,070 --> 00:15:41,438
I didn't know you had a tape
of our glee club.
314
00:15:43,675 --> 00:15:45,308
Yeah.
315
00:15:45,376 --> 00:15:46,643
You know, Fran,
316
00:15:46,711 --> 00:15:49,246
maybe Keith's father
won't be that upset.
317
00:15:49,313 --> 00:15:51,081
My parents were
fine when I gave up
318
00:15:51,149 --> 00:15:54,852
my musical career after
seven years of lessons.
319
00:15:54,919 --> 00:15:56,586
Yeah, but, Val, you knew
320
00:15:56,654 --> 00:15:59,289
you were never gonna be
great at playing the triangle.
321
00:15:59,357 --> 00:16:00,357
Yeah.
322
00:16:02,761 --> 00:16:03,827
Oh!
323
00:16:03,895 --> 00:16:05,896
His father is just gonna freak,
324
00:16:05,964 --> 00:16:08,265
and how long can I stall before
325
00:16:08,332 --> 00:16:10,968
Mr. Sheffield is gonna find out?
326
00:16:11,035 --> 00:16:12,903
Maxwell: Miss Fine!
327
00:16:15,907 --> 00:16:17,975
There goes seeing
The English Patient.
328
00:16:21,412 --> 00:16:23,481
Mr. Sheffield. Mr. Sheffield.
329
00:16:23,548 --> 00:16:26,851
Just because I've deprived the
world of the next Victor Borge
330
00:16:26,918 --> 00:16:28,485
does not mean that his father
331
00:16:28,553 --> 00:16:32,022
is gonna take out the
$5 million from your show.
332
00:16:33,859 --> 00:16:35,359
Miss Fine,
I was just calling to see
333
00:16:35,426 --> 00:16:38,095
if you took my white-out
again for your French tips.
334
00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:39,196
You what?
335
00:16:41,399 --> 00:16:42,967
What have you done to Tom's son?
336
00:16:44,102 --> 00:16:47,037
Well,
I took him to Yetta's home,
337
00:16:47,104 --> 00:16:50,808
and a man with a toe on his
thumb died in front of him.
338
00:16:53,445 --> 00:16:54,478
Oh, my God!
339
00:16:54,546 --> 00:16:56,880
Oh, my God!
I can't believe this!
340
00:16:56,948 --> 00:17:00,016
Well, neither could I until
I shook hands with a bunion.
341
00:17:03,454 --> 00:17:06,223
Look, Mr. Sheffield,
even if the worst happens,
342
00:17:06,291 --> 00:17:09,794
you'll get another
investor for your show.
343
00:17:09,795 --> 00:17:13,397
Not after I spent a week taking
the story and jokes out of it!
344
00:17:15,099 --> 00:17:17,133
Let's just hope that
Midler's charity is smart enough
345
00:17:17,201 --> 00:17:18,869
to cash that check fast.
346
00:17:18,936 --> 00:17:21,137
Well, look,
he's not going to take it out
347
00:17:21,205 --> 00:17:23,807
on the whole show
business community
348
00:17:23,874 --> 00:17:26,310
just 'cause I made
one itty-bitty mistake.
349
00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:28,946
Don't bet the kibbutz, bubbe.
350
00:17:30,848 --> 00:17:32,182
The kid called his father,
351
00:17:32,250 --> 00:17:34,418
and now he's pulling all
his money out of my charity!
352
00:17:34,486 --> 00:17:37,488
Oh, that little pisher
must have called him
353
00:17:37,555 --> 00:17:39,389
when I took him
to Bloomingdale's.
354
00:17:39,457 --> 00:17:42,058
You went to Bloomingdale's
just after someone had died?
355
00:17:42,126 --> 00:17:44,086
Well,
it always makes me feel better.
356
00:17:46,631 --> 00:17:48,098
Oh, Miss Midler,
357
00:17:48,166 --> 00:17:50,434
I-I'm so sorry.
358
00:17:50,501 --> 00:17:53,537
I-I-I usually never
make mistakes like this.
359
00:17:53,605 --> 00:17:55,105
Ignore his shocked expression.
360
00:17:58,509 --> 00:18:00,845
Listen, I'll do anything
to make it up to you.
361
00:18:00,912 --> 00:18:03,447
Just tell me what I should do.
362
00:18:03,514 --> 00:18:04,815
Start running.
363
00:18:05,917 --> 00:18:08,952
( Music playing )
364
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:23,466
Oh, Miss Midler!
365
00:18:25,236 --> 00:18:27,204
I'm one of your biggest fans.
366
00:18:27,305 --> 00:18:28,973
Ha ha! That's a shocker!
367
00:18:34,079 --> 00:18:36,479
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
368
00:18:36,547 --> 00:18:38,081
Ow! Ow! Ow!
369
00:18:38,149 --> 00:18:39,983
Stop hitting me with that purse!
370
00:18:44,756 --> 00:18:46,223
Now,
what's wrong with this picture?
371
00:18:46,290 --> 00:18:47,491
- I give up!
- We're Jewish,
372
00:18:47,559 --> 00:18:50,326
we're running, and there's
macaroons over there.
373
00:18:51,429 --> 00:18:53,264
Are they fresh?
374
00:18:53,331 --> 00:18:54,431
Both: Who cares!
375
00:18:56,034 --> 00:18:57,201
Mmm!
376
00:18:57,269 --> 00:18:59,436
- Mmm-mmm!
- Mmm!
377
00:18:59,504 --> 00:19:03,507
( Beethoven "Moonlight
Sonata" playing )
378
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:12,415
Miss Fine! Miss Fine!
How did you do this?
379
00:19:12,483 --> 00:19:14,785
It's not important how.
380
00:19:14,853 --> 00:19:16,787
What's important is it was done.
381
00:19:18,390 --> 00:19:19,456
How was it done?
382
00:19:21,092 --> 00:19:24,628
I think I've learned a thing or
two from somebody around here.
383
00:19:30,868 --> 00:19:32,069
Both: It was me.
384
00:19:34,439 --> 00:19:35,439
Ow!
385
00:19:37,242 --> 00:19:40,644
Okay, Ringo,
are we back in the saddle, babe?
386
00:19:40,712 --> 00:19:42,246
Ah, it seems that way.
387
00:19:42,313 --> 00:19:45,415
You get your parks cleaned,
I get to do my show.
388
00:19:45,483 --> 00:19:46,783
Now I just have to persuade Tom
389
00:19:46,851 --> 00:19:48,952
the third act is worse
than the first two.
390
00:19:51,122 --> 00:19:54,825
Oh, if push comes to shove,
you'll just cast it really bad.
391
00:19:54,826 --> 00:19:57,093
And there's your
leading lady now.
392
00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:12,876
Oh, you don't have to thank me.
It's my gift to you.
393
00:20:12,944 --> 00:20:15,064
Well, just finish out the hour
and send him home.
394
00:20:18,016 --> 00:20:19,216
Oh, you're welcome.
395
00:20:21,119 --> 00:20:22,752
( Giggles )
396
00:20:31,129 --> 00:20:33,597
Oh, Niles.
397
00:20:33,664 --> 00:20:38,635
All those years of kneading
dough really paid off.
398
00:20:42,407 --> 00:20:43,574
You know what?
399
00:20:43,641 --> 00:20:45,943
Let's lose the sheet.
I'm not shy.
400
00:20:56,821 --> 00:20:59,556
How much longer
do we have to go?
401
00:21:00,792 --> 00:21:02,392
Morty: 15 minutes.
402
00:21:07,632 --> 00:21:11,568
How can that be, Morty?
You said that 15 minutes ago.
403
00:21:11,635 --> 00:21:13,670
I'm going by the VCR clock.
404
00:21:18,709 --> 00:21:21,645
You have five minutes to go.
405
00:21:21,713 --> 00:21:23,147
Five minutes?
406
00:21:23,214 --> 00:21:25,048
Then let's take it all off.
407
00:21:25,116 --> 00:21:26,383
I'm not embarrassed.
408
00:21:47,171 --> 00:21:50,140
( Jazz music playing )
29178
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