Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
00:00:06,338 --> 00:00:09,808
I can't let you leave the house
in that short, little top.
2
00:00:09,809 --> 00:00:11,610
Mr. Sheffield's not here.
3
00:00:11,611 --> 00:00:13,010
It's gorgeous.
4
00:00:14,246 --> 00:00:17,049
Don't make a stain,
I wanna borrow.
5
00:00:17,050 --> 00:00:18,583
Where is he?
6
00:00:18,584 --> 00:00:20,818
Oh, he's speaking at Brighton's
career day.
7
00:00:20,819 --> 00:00:22,954
I suppose they'll ask me
to speak when they have,
8
00:00:22,955 --> 00:00:24,856
"Don't let this happen
to you day."
9
00:00:24,857 --> 00:00:27,092
Aww.
10
00:00:27,093 --> 00:00:28,560
Hello, everyone.
11
00:00:28,561 --> 00:00:29,994
Oh! So, how did it go?
12
00:00:29,995 --> 00:00:31,930
Oh, it was smashing!
13
00:00:31,931 --> 00:00:34,065
I reenacted the history
of musical theater
14
00:00:34,066 --> 00:00:35,934
from its operatic
beginnings right through
15
00:00:35,935 --> 00:00:38,369
"Bring in Da Noise,
Bring in Da Funk."
16
00:00:38,370 --> 00:00:39,504
- Niles: Ooh.
- Fran: Uh-huh.
17
00:00:39,505 --> 00:00:41,673
That must have brought
down da house.
18
00:00:41,674 --> 00:00:44,643
So did your old man deliver
or what, eh?
19
00:00:44,644 --> 00:00:46,811
Oh, look,
I've got that CD you wanted.
20
00:00:46,812 --> 00:00:48,646
There you go: Pearl Bailey.
21
00:00:48,647 --> 00:00:51,015
( Gasps )
Pearl Bailey. Cool.
22
00:00:51,016 --> 00:00:53,551
Hey, now I can exchange
it for Pearl Jam.
23
00:00:56,489 --> 00:00:58,089
I don't understand him,
Miss Fine.
24
00:00:58,090 --> 00:00:59,957
Brighton used to worship me.
25
00:00:59,958 --> 00:01:01,059
When?
26
00:01:02,328 --> 00:01:03,928
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
27
00:01:03,929 --> 00:01:06,497
the boy's just going
through a phase.
28
00:01:06,498 --> 00:01:08,165
I remember myself
there was a time
29
00:01:08,166 --> 00:01:10,268
when I didn't even want
to speak to my mother.
30
00:01:10,269 --> 00:01:11,703
( Telephone rings )
31
00:01:11,704 --> 00:01:14,338
Then eventually, you outgrow it.
32
00:01:14,339 --> 00:01:15,840
Miss Fine,
it's your mother on the phone.
33
00:01:15,841 --> 00:01:18,877
( Whispering ) Tell her I'm not here.
I'm not here.
34
00:01:18,878 --> 00:01:20,445
Hello! Hello!
35
00:01:20,446 --> 00:01:21,546
Ah, C.C.,
36
00:01:21,547 --> 00:01:23,948
how did Jay Leno
like our opening number?
37
00:01:23,949 --> 00:01:26,985
Loved it. We are this close to
booking it on "The Tonight Show."
38
00:01:26,986 --> 00:01:29,687
- Ah, yes!
- We had an instant rapport.
39
00:01:29,688 --> 00:01:31,022
He had his dog, Harley with him,
40
00:01:31,023 --> 00:01:33,557
and I had this little fellow.
41
00:01:33,558 --> 00:01:34,558
Your hat?
42
00:01:35,427 --> 00:01:36,461
Oh, my God!
43
00:01:37,763 --> 00:01:38,929
Do you know what this means?
44
00:01:38,930 --> 00:01:40,565
If this isn't my dog...
45
00:01:40,566 --> 00:01:41,599
( gasps )
46
00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:43,834
I could have left this valuable
47
00:01:43,835 --> 00:01:45,102
hat in the cab!
48
00:01:46,539 --> 00:01:48,406
( Doorbell chimes )
49
00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:52,344
Oh.
50
00:01:52,345 --> 00:01:53,745
Was this supposed to be a tip?
51
00:01:55,447 --> 00:01:56,881
Why did you come back?
52
00:01:56,882 --> 00:01:58,683
Four martinis,
and she'd have been walking
53
00:01:58,684 --> 00:01:59,850
that hat all over New York.
54
00:02:03,022 --> 00:02:05,824
Now, here's the deal.
Leno's hotel doesn't accept dogs
55
00:02:05,825 --> 00:02:07,258
and he refuses to board his.
56
00:02:07,259 --> 00:02:10,027
I don't know why.
Chester loves the kennel.
57
00:02:10,028 --> 00:02:11,329
When I come to take him home
58
00:02:11,330 --> 00:02:13,598
he just hangs on to the little
bars for dear life.
59
00:02:15,033 --> 00:02:17,168
C.C., you're not telling
me you've offered
60
00:02:17,169 --> 00:02:19,437
to take care of Jay Leno's dog,
are you?
61
00:02:19,438 --> 00:02:21,272
It's bad enough,
I mean, your dog here,
62
00:02:21,273 --> 00:02:22,907
always begging to go out,
63
00:02:22,908 --> 00:02:24,909
jumping into my lap,
64
00:02:24,910 --> 00:02:26,911
rubbing up
against me all the time.
65
00:02:26,912 --> 00:02:28,612
Shhh.
66
00:02:29,915 --> 00:02:32,250
Does everybody need
to know our business?
67
00:02:37,723 --> 00:02:40,558
♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing Queens ♪
68
00:02:40,559 --> 00:02:41,826
♪ Till her boyfriend
kicked her out ♪
69
00:02:41,827 --> 00:02:43,795
♪ In one of those
crushing scenes ♪
70
00:02:43,796 --> 00:02:45,329
♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪
71
00:02:45,330 --> 00:02:49,034
♪ She was out
on her fanny ♪
72
00:02:49,035 --> 00:02:51,369
♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪
73
00:02:51,370 --> 00:02:53,905
♪ She was there to sell
makeup, but father saw more ♪
74
00:02:53,906 --> 00:02:55,940
♪ She had style, she had
flair, she was there ♪
75
00:02:55,941 --> 00:02:59,711
♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪
76
00:02:59,712 --> 00:03:02,680
♪ Who would have guessed that
the girl we've described ♪
77
00:03:02,681 --> 00:03:04,983
♪ Was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪
78
00:03:04,984 --> 00:03:06,150
♪ Now the father finds
her beguiling ♪
79
00:03:06,151 --> 00:03:07,518
♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪
80
00:03:07,519 --> 00:03:09,120
♪ And the kids are
actually smiling ♪
81
00:03:09,121 --> 00:03:10,255
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
82
00:03:10,256 --> 00:03:11,589
♪ She is the lady in red ♪
83
00:03:11,590 --> 00:03:15,894
♪ When everybody else
is wearing tan ♪
84
00:03:15,895 --> 00:03:18,029
♪ The flashy girl
from Flushing ♪
85
00:03:18,030 --> 00:03:19,330
♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪
86
00:03:25,771 --> 00:03:26,971
Oh, Miss Fine,
87
00:03:26,972 --> 00:03:30,174
I do appreciate you taking care
of Jay Leno's dog,
88
00:03:30,175 --> 00:03:32,543
what, with your busy
schedule and all.
89
00:03:32,544 --> 00:03:35,413
You know, I don't appreciate
you taking a potshot at me.
90
00:03:35,414 --> 00:03:37,582
I mean,
I work very hard around here.
91
00:03:37,583 --> 00:03:39,150
I...I was being serious.
92
00:03:39,151 --> 00:03:40,252
You're kidding.
93
00:03:41,787 --> 00:03:43,021
Uh, Daddy?
94
00:03:43,022 --> 00:03:44,488
Uh, not now, honey, we're busy.
95
00:03:44,489 --> 00:03:46,223
- But, Daddy...
- Sweetheart,
96
00:03:46,224 --> 00:03:47,659
we're working.
97
00:03:48,794 --> 00:03:50,761
They're working, Mr. Leno!
98
00:03:50,762 --> 00:03:51,829
Oh! Ooh!
99
00:03:51,830 --> 00:03:54,332
Oh, God! Jay! Oh! I'm so sorry!
100
00:03:54,333 --> 00:03:56,501
- Jay, please, do come in.
- Hi, how are ya?
101
00:04:02,508 --> 00:04:04,642
I had no idea you
were already here.
102
00:04:04,643 --> 00:04:06,177
Aw, that's okay.
103
00:04:06,178 --> 00:04:07,278
- Where's Niles?
- Oh,
104
00:04:07,279 --> 00:04:08,813
he taped "Letterman"
last night. He's watching...
105
00:04:08,814 --> 00:04:11,014
Oh, thank you!
Thank you very much! Off you go!
106
00:04:11,750 --> 00:04:14,719
Oh! Mr. Jay Leno!
107
00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:17,322
- I'm Fran Fine.
- Nice to see ya. Nice to see ya.
108
00:04:17,323 --> 00:04:19,824
Well,
I can't tell you how many times
109
00:04:19,825 --> 00:04:22,026
I've gone to bed with you!
110
00:04:22,027 --> 00:04:24,662
Well, well, you know I used
to get out and around a lot.
111
00:04:24,663 --> 00:04:26,598
You don't really remember
a lot of people, but...
112
00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:27,966
No!
113
00:04:27,967 --> 00:04:29,968
- Not to bed like that.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
114
00:04:29,969 --> 00:04:32,070
Although I must admit,
115
00:04:32,071 --> 00:04:35,673
I have fallen asleep
before you were done.
116
00:04:35,674 --> 00:04:37,509
As long as you don't fake
a laugh. That's really...
117
00:04:37,510 --> 00:04:38,742
( Fran laughs )
118
00:04:38,743 --> 00:04:39,810
Guys hate that.
119
00:04:39,811 --> 00:04:42,380
( Fran and Maxwell laugh )
120
00:04:42,381 --> 00:04:43,481
Uh, Jay, please,
121
00:04:43,482 --> 00:04:45,283
- why don't you sit down?
- Oh, thank you.
122
00:04:45,284 --> 00:04:47,752
I can't tell you how thrilled
I am to have you here.
123
00:04:47,753 --> 00:04:49,487
You I'm still not sure about.
124
00:04:49,488 --> 00:04:51,990
Hey listen, thanks for
taking care of my dog.
125
00:04:51,991 --> 00:04:53,424
Oh, no problem.
126
00:04:53,425 --> 00:04:55,593
You know,
my mom had one just like that.
127
00:04:55,594 --> 00:04:58,162
Lived in the wall.
128
00:04:58,163 --> 00:05:00,998
Mr. Leno, would you mind
autographing your book for me?
129
00:05:00,999 --> 00:05:02,967
I can't tell ya how classy it is
130
00:05:02,968 --> 00:05:06,137
that you don't go around hawking
it like other celebrities.
131
00:05:06,138 --> 00:05:07,698
Oh, yeah.
I hate that!
132
00:05:09,108 --> 00:05:10,942
Meanwhile,
have ya read this one?
133
00:05:10,943 --> 00:05:13,978
It is a riot.
134
00:05:13,979 --> 00:05:16,380
Plus, it just came out
on audiocassette.
135
00:05:18,184 --> 00:05:21,318
I can't believe they'd put
this voice on audio!
136
00:05:21,319 --> 00:05:23,221
You know,
some people find it soothing.
137
00:05:29,061 --> 00:05:30,227
Look, look.
138
00:05:30,228 --> 00:05:32,496
It's just like
"Lady and the Tramp."
139
00:05:32,497 --> 00:05:35,537
Only Tramp had the good taste not
to lick himself in front of Lady!
140
00:05:36,936 --> 00:05:39,904
He reminds me of my dog Al.
141
00:05:39,905 --> 00:05:42,774
I couldn't stand to have
him sleep on the bed,
142
00:05:42,775 --> 00:05:45,543
with his stupid pug face.
143
00:05:45,544 --> 00:05:48,479
Always drooling.
144
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:49,747
And the gas
145
00:05:49,748 --> 00:05:52,216
that emanated from that animal!
146
00:05:53,385 --> 00:05:55,853
Yetta, that was grandpa.
147
00:06:00,392 --> 00:06:01,859
Oh, Miss Fine, here's your mail.
148
00:06:01,860 --> 00:06:03,828
Oh, thank you.
149
00:06:03,829 --> 00:06:06,397
Oh, my God! the IRS!
150
00:06:06,398 --> 00:06:07,898
What do they want from me?
151
00:06:07,899 --> 00:06:08,966
( Gasps )
152
00:06:08,967 --> 00:06:10,601
A tax audit!
153
00:06:10,602 --> 00:06:13,237
Oh, why are they picking on me?
154
00:06:13,238 --> 00:06:14,339
Could it be because you declared
155
00:06:14,340 --> 00:06:16,607
an adopted foreign
child named Haagen-Dazs?
156
00:06:21,346 --> 00:06:23,881
Listen,
I've spent a lot of quality time
157
00:06:23,882 --> 00:06:25,449
with that little bundle of joy.
158
00:06:27,686 --> 00:06:28,726
Mama loves you, baby.
159
00:06:30,555 --> 00:06:32,590
So what are you going to do?
160
00:06:32,591 --> 00:06:35,311
I don't know. I wonder if my
accountant knows about this.
161
00:06:35,961 --> 00:06:37,294
Do you know about this?
162
00:06:39,230 --> 00:06:40,331
So, Brighton,
163
00:06:40,332 --> 00:06:42,867
you ready to teach
me how to rollerblade?
164
00:06:42,868 --> 00:06:44,903
Oh, eh,
you know that girl you like?
165
00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:47,872
I thought maybe we could,
uh, cruise by her house.
166
00:06:47,873 --> 00:06:50,608
Oh, great, and on the way
we can stop by the duck pond
167
00:06:50,609 --> 00:06:51,910
so I can drown myself.
168
00:06:53,946 --> 00:06:55,213
Actually, Dad, you know what,
I'd love to,
169
00:06:55,214 --> 00:06:56,881
but I already have some
plans with some friends.
170
00:06:56,882 --> 00:06:57,916
- Oh?
- Yeah.
171
00:06:57,917 --> 00:06:59,250
Who?
172
00:06:59,251 --> 00:07:00,752
Uh... uh...
173
00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:02,921
Oh, oh,
weren't you gonna have burgers
174
00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:04,722
at Arnold's with
Ralph and Potsie?
175
00:07:04,723 --> 00:07:06,624
Right! right! Yeah.
176
00:07:06,625 --> 00:07:07,892
Oh, well, um,
177
00:07:07,893 --> 00:07:09,813
maybe I could
join you at Arnold's.
178
00:07:13,165 --> 00:07:16,334
Well, maybe, uh,
maybe some other time.
179
00:07:16,335 --> 00:07:17,335
Yeah. Sorry.
180
00:07:18,671 --> 00:07:19,970
Who's Potsie?
181
00:07:19,971 --> 00:07:21,272
Oh, shut up!
182
00:07:23,242 --> 00:07:24,342
Ingrate.
183
00:07:24,343 --> 00:07:26,877
I hated to do that to him!
184
00:07:26,878 --> 00:07:28,212
What's the big deal?
185
00:07:28,213 --> 00:07:30,514
He just wants to spend a little
time with his son.
186
00:07:30,515 --> 00:07:31,982
Fran, we have nothing in common!
187
00:07:31,983 --> 00:07:33,983
We're not even
from the same country!
188
00:07:36,855 --> 00:07:40,358
♪ People, let me tell ya
about my best friend ♪
189
00:07:40,359 --> 00:07:42,627
♪ He's a warm-hearted person ♪
190
00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:45,396
♪ Who loved me
till the end ♪
191
00:07:45,397 --> 00:07:47,732
Stay back, stay back.
I'm done.
192
00:07:47,733 --> 00:07:49,066
No more football! I'm done.
193
00:07:54,706 --> 00:07:58,610
( Opera music playing )
194
00:08:02,314 --> 00:08:05,149
( music continues )
195
00:08:11,923 --> 00:08:14,058
♪ Best friend ♪
196
00:08:14,059 --> 00:08:15,826
( vocalizing )
197
00:08:40,252 --> 00:08:42,953
( toilet flushes )
198
00:08:44,223 --> 00:08:45,756
What is this unnatural
199
00:08:45,757 --> 00:08:48,959
obsession Maxwell has
with his children?
200
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,361
I can count the number
of days I spent
201
00:08:50,362 --> 00:08:52,931
with my father on one hand.
202
00:08:52,932 --> 00:08:53,932
Seven?
203
00:08:56,568 --> 00:08:58,269
Well, yeah.
You know, that's funny.
204
00:08:58,270 --> 00:08:59,770
Oh.
205
00:08:59,771 --> 00:09:01,405
Thank you very much.
206
00:09:01,406 --> 00:09:03,508
No, I mean the fact that
I'm really rich,
207
00:09:03,509 --> 00:09:06,629
and you're cleaning toilets in a
suit, a tie, and rubber gloves.
208
00:09:08,913 --> 00:09:10,914
Well, you got me that time.
209
00:09:17,623 --> 00:09:19,590
( Doorbell chimes )
210
00:09:21,727 --> 00:09:22,960
- Yes?
- Hi.
211
00:09:22,961 --> 00:09:25,129
I'm here
to audit Miss Fran Fine?
212
00:09:25,130 --> 00:09:27,365
Miss Fine, the IRS man is here!
213
00:09:27,366 --> 00:09:30,868
Is that today?
214
00:09:30,869 --> 00:09:33,037
Hi. I'm Fran.
215
00:09:33,038 --> 00:09:35,039
- Hi. Josh Bassen.
- How do you do?
216
00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:38,242
Oh, you bought that dress
just for the audit, didn't you?
217
00:09:38,243 --> 00:09:39,944
Well...
218
00:09:39,945 --> 00:09:41,979
I hope you don't try
to write it off.
219
00:09:44,416 --> 00:09:45,816
Oh! Oh! Oh!
220
00:09:45,817 --> 00:09:49,520
I'd like to introduce to you
one of my dependents.
221
00:09:49,521 --> 00:09:52,056
All right, I admit it.
I helped her with her taxes!
222
00:09:52,057 --> 00:09:54,091
But you know what?
I had a solar calculator,
223
00:09:54,092 --> 00:09:55,292
and we did them in the shade!
224
00:09:56,561 --> 00:09:57,861
Relax, kid.
225
00:09:57,862 --> 00:10:00,230
It would take a flagrant
violation of the tax code
226
00:10:00,231 --> 00:10:02,800
for me to actually
put someone in jail.
227
00:10:02,801 --> 00:10:04,134
What's your name?
228
00:10:04,135 --> 00:10:05,136
Potsie?
229
00:10:07,539 --> 00:10:10,741
I don't know why people get
so nervous when I audit them.
230
00:10:10,742 --> 00:10:12,076
I just did Pearl Jam last week...
231
00:10:12,077 --> 00:10:14,411
Oh, my God! You know Pearl Jam?
232
00:10:14,412 --> 00:10:16,747
Potsie,
you're blocking the view!
233
00:10:20,385 --> 00:10:22,987
All right, so now you actually
went to Eddie Vedder's house?
234
00:10:22,988 --> 00:10:24,355
Well, by the time
I'm finished with him,
235
00:10:24,356 --> 00:10:26,190
it'll be Uncle Sam's house,
but...
236
00:10:26,191 --> 00:10:28,559
Aaah! Ha ha ha ha!
237
00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:31,162
Good-looking
and a sense of humor.
238
00:10:31,163 --> 00:10:32,897
I'll tell ya,
if I wasn't married with,
239
00:10:32,898 --> 00:10:34,265
er, six kids.
240
00:10:38,003 --> 00:10:40,270
Um, if you'll just excuse me,
241
00:10:40,271 --> 00:10:42,640
I have to go feed
my chinchillas.
242
00:10:42,641 --> 00:10:43,908
What chinchillas?
243
00:10:43,909 --> 00:10:47,712
The ones we breed
at a considerable loss.
244
00:10:47,713 --> 00:10:49,313
Schedule "C," item 15.
245
00:10:51,282 --> 00:10:54,084
Brighton, I'm just off
to the final callbacks
246
00:10:54,085 --> 00:10:55,887
for my play about
Gertrude Stein.
247
00:10:55,888 --> 00:10:59,022
It's between Maureen Stapleton
and Sada Thompson.
248
00:10:59,023 --> 00:11:01,291
It's gonna be a hot one.
249
00:11:01,292 --> 00:11:02,726
Care to come along?
250
00:11:02,727 --> 00:11:04,567
Well, first of all, Dad.
Who?
251
00:11:06,799 --> 00:11:08,265
This guy knows Pearl Jam!
252
00:11:11,269 --> 00:11:12,970
Miss Fine,
are you sure this thing
253
00:11:12,971 --> 00:11:14,838
with my son is just a phase?
254
00:11:14,839 --> 00:11:16,207
I mean,
he prefers to spend more time
255
00:11:16,208 --> 00:11:17,875
with the taxman than with me.
256
00:11:17,876 --> 00:11:21,078
Oh, well, first of all,
you're trying too hard.
257
00:11:21,079 --> 00:11:23,281
I mean, nothing makes a person
look more desperate
258
00:11:23,282 --> 00:11:26,150
than trying so hard
to win somebody over.
259
00:11:27,185 --> 00:11:28,185
Hungry, Josh?
260
00:11:30,755 --> 00:11:31,922
Now listen,
261
00:11:31,923 --> 00:11:33,891
next time you go
through the living room, limp.
262
00:11:33,892 --> 00:11:35,892
You're my husband,
and ya got a disability.
263
00:12:06,424 --> 00:12:08,059
What is this?
264
00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:10,895
An annoying, yapping dog.
265
00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:12,162
Holding a Chihuahua.
266
00:12:15,701 --> 00:12:18,202
Oh! There's the doggy!
267
00:12:18,203 --> 00:12:20,905
Nanny Fine, this mutt
is your responsibility.
268
00:12:20,906 --> 00:12:23,106
Well, I just put it down
for a second, and it was only
269
00:12:23,107 --> 00:12:25,309
'cause Gracie was gonna scald
herself in the tub.
270
00:12:25,310 --> 00:12:27,077
Oh, blah blah blah.
271
00:12:27,078 --> 00:12:28,946
It's not like those children
you take care of.
272
00:12:28,947 --> 00:12:30,347
This is a valuable animal.
273
00:12:32,017 --> 00:12:33,651
Meanwhile,
I was looking all over for you.
274
00:12:33,652 --> 00:12:35,686
Now you're gonna go
and play with Chester.
275
00:12:35,687 --> 00:12:38,623
Oh, what a mieskeit she is.
276
00:12:38,624 --> 00:12:40,991
It's a good thing
she's got a rich father.
277
00:12:40,992 --> 00:12:42,259
Oh, Miss Fine,
here's another letter
278
00:12:42,260 --> 00:12:44,128
from your friend at the IRS.
279
00:12:44,129 --> 00:12:46,430
Oh, wow, this must be a
thank-you for that gorgeous,
280
00:12:46,431 --> 00:12:49,233
midnight blue, double-breasted
Armani blazer I gave him.
281
00:12:51,703 --> 00:12:54,238
Oh, well, like you were
ever gonna fit in that again.
282
00:12:56,474 --> 00:12:58,208
Oh, well, he liked the blazer,
283
00:12:58,209 --> 00:13:00,044
but he wants
something else from me.
284
00:13:00,045 --> 00:13:02,212
- What?
- An arm and a leg!
285
00:13:02,213 --> 00:13:06,116
This is a $5,000 tax bill.
286
00:13:06,117 --> 00:13:08,152
Fran, I think you'd
better come see what Chester
287
00:13:08,153 --> 00:13:10,454
and Jay Leno's dog are doing
in the dining room.
288
00:13:10,455 --> 00:13:13,524
Oh, sweetie, just pick it up.
How big can it be?
289
00:13:13,525 --> 00:13:15,059
Um, no.
290
00:13:15,060 --> 00:13:16,894
Remember what we saw those
two lions doing
291
00:13:16,895 --> 00:13:18,362
on the Discovery Channel?
292
00:13:22,867 --> 00:13:24,987
Well, I don't suppose
they're eating a zebra.
293
00:13:27,839 --> 00:13:29,140
Ooh!
294
00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:31,508
Chester, how'd you get
your little shirt off?
295
00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:37,047
You are going right upstairs,
mister,
296
00:13:37,048 --> 00:13:39,183
and taking a cold shower!
297
00:13:39,184 --> 00:13:40,517
And, you, Miss!
298
00:13:40,518 --> 00:13:42,987
You only know him a week!
299
00:13:42,988 --> 00:13:43,988
What's your secret?
300
00:13:45,624 --> 00:13:48,459
Oh, Niles, what am I gonna do?
301
00:13:48,460 --> 00:13:50,628
I don't have $5,000!
302
00:13:50,629 --> 00:13:54,098
The government is gonna do to me
what Chester just did to Harley.
303
00:13:56,701 --> 00:13:58,803
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
it's terrible!
304
00:13:58,804 --> 00:13:59,937
Oh, what happened?
305
00:13:59,938 --> 00:14:02,339
Mr. Mooney Fine
from the bank again?
306
00:14:02,340 --> 00:14:03,441
Ha ha ha ha.
307
00:14:03,442 --> 00:14:05,509
Good-looking and funny.
308
00:14:05,510 --> 00:14:06,877
How much do you owe?
309
00:14:06,878 --> 00:14:08,712
$5,000!
310
00:14:08,713 --> 00:14:10,514
Oh, calm down, Miss Fine.
311
00:14:10,515 --> 00:14:12,582
We'll just file an appeal.
312
00:14:12,583 --> 00:14:14,652
What kind of records
have you kept?
313
00:14:14,653 --> 00:14:15,986
Oh, I don't know.
314
00:14:15,987 --> 00:14:17,721
A couple of Bee Gees,
315
00:14:17,722 --> 00:14:20,223
Captain & Tennille,
"the White Album."
316
00:14:20,224 --> 00:14:22,359
No, tax, tax records, Miss Fine.
317
00:14:24,629 --> 00:14:27,164
Sylvia: Don't take the box!
318
00:14:27,165 --> 00:14:29,299
Don't take the box!
319
00:14:31,569 --> 00:14:32,603
Schmuck!
320
00:14:35,106 --> 00:14:37,541
Ma, when are ya gonna stop
torturing yourself
321
00:14:37,542 --> 00:14:39,610
by watching that old tape
of you and daddy
322
00:14:39,611 --> 00:14:41,345
on "Let's Make a Deal"?
323
00:14:41,346 --> 00:14:43,513
You traded Paris
for the ostrich.
324
00:14:43,514 --> 00:14:44,915
It's never going to change.
325
00:14:47,786 --> 00:14:51,755
Meanwhile,
it's the best stew we ever had.
326
00:14:51,756 --> 00:14:53,690
Host on TV: Now, Sylvia and Mort
Fine, let me tell you something.
327
00:14:53,691 --> 00:14:54,958
You've won the trip to Paris,
328
00:14:54,959 --> 00:14:56,827
but strange things
can happen on this show.
329
00:14:56,828 --> 00:14:58,596
You can keep the trip to Paris,
330
00:14:58,597 --> 00:15:02,232
or you could trade for what's
in that big box on the floor.
331
00:15:02,233 --> 00:15:06,537
( audience shout )
332
00:15:06,538 --> 00:15:08,238
Take the box!
333
00:15:08,239 --> 00:15:09,740
Mort: We'll take the box!
334
00:15:11,943 --> 00:15:13,611
Oh! I can't watch this.
335
00:15:13,612 --> 00:15:15,479
I am sick to my stomach.
336
00:15:19,283 --> 00:15:20,384
Well, it's a good thing
337
00:15:20,385 --> 00:15:24,154
that I have a very
organized filing system.
338
00:15:24,155 --> 00:15:25,255
( Sighs )
339
00:15:25,256 --> 00:15:27,558
'95.
340
00:15:27,559 --> 00:15:29,192
'94.
341
00:15:29,193 --> 00:15:31,662
'93?
342
00:15:31,663 --> 00:15:32,963
Oh, look at this.
343
00:15:32,964 --> 00:15:34,565
There's an old Rolo in here.
344
00:15:35,700 --> 00:15:37,340
Look.
It's all white.
345
00:15:38,670 --> 00:15:39,670
It's still good.
346
00:15:42,707 --> 00:15:45,208
These receipts are a disaster!
347
00:15:45,209 --> 00:15:46,943
I mean,
how can this be possible?
348
00:15:46,944 --> 00:15:49,680
You have 18 certified
public accountants
349
00:15:49,681 --> 00:15:52,416
on your father's side alone!
350
00:15:52,417 --> 00:15:54,484
Well, we have 17 urologists,
351
00:15:54,485 --> 00:15:56,420
but daddy still has
three of something
352
00:15:56,421 --> 00:15:58,421
that he's only supposed
to have two of.
353
00:16:07,431 --> 00:16:09,133
Now listen,
if we're found guilty,
354
00:16:09,134 --> 00:16:11,402
is there any chance I could
do community service
355
00:16:11,403 --> 00:16:14,138
at a home for wayward girls?
356
00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:16,173
Don't talk to him!
357
00:16:16,174 --> 00:16:18,075
He comes into my home,
358
00:16:18,076 --> 00:16:19,309
drinks my champagne
359
00:16:19,310 --> 00:16:22,313
that expressly says
"Send to Lauren Bacall,"
360
00:16:22,314 --> 00:16:23,414
and...
361
00:16:23,415 --> 00:16:26,049
Oh, well,
what are you looking at, mister?
362
00:16:26,050 --> 00:16:27,785
You think that's supposed
to scare me?
363
00:16:27,786 --> 00:16:29,587
I'm going to the big house!
364
00:16:30,921 --> 00:16:32,323
I was just doing my job.
365
00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:34,325
Shame on you for using
your sex appeal
366
00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:36,293
to get out of paying
your back taxes.
367
00:16:36,294 --> 00:16:38,696
I most certainly did not!
368
00:16:38,697 --> 00:16:40,931
And shame on you for acting
like it was working!
369
00:16:40,932 --> 00:16:42,466
It was!
370
00:16:42,467 --> 00:16:45,402
When you get out of prison,
would you like to have dinner?
371
00:16:45,403 --> 00:16:47,404
No!
372
00:16:47,405 --> 00:16:49,139
Where?
373
00:16:49,140 --> 00:16:51,275
Oh, Miss Fine,
don't waste your time with him.
374
00:16:51,276 --> 00:16:52,909
He has nothing to do with it!
375
00:16:52,910 --> 00:16:55,070
It's going to be all up
to the Appeals Officer.
376
00:17:02,153 --> 00:17:04,188
I would like
to start off by saying
377
00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:07,524
that I have never seen
such a total disregard
378
00:17:07,525 --> 00:17:09,360
for the tax laws.
379
00:17:09,361 --> 00:17:10,894
Excuse me, sir,
380
00:17:10,895 --> 00:17:12,729
but, um,
is this gonna take long?
381
00:17:12,730 --> 00:17:14,965
You see, I have to get back
to the theater.
382
00:17:14,966 --> 00:17:16,133
Who are you?
383
00:17:16,134 --> 00:17:18,001
Oh, Maxwell Sheffield. I'm a...
384
00:17:18,002 --> 00:17:19,503
The Broadway producer!
385
00:17:21,506 --> 00:17:24,808
( Imitating Carol Channing )
♪ A kiss on the hand ♪
386
00:17:24,809 --> 00:17:28,245
♪ May be quite continental ♪
387
00:17:28,246 --> 00:17:34,184
♪ But diamonds are a girl's
best friend ♪
388
00:17:34,185 --> 00:17:36,387
See, I've always wanted
to be in show business.
389
00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:38,308
Would you like
to see another one?
390
00:17:39,791 --> 00:17:43,360
Oh, did I mention
that I'm the Appeals Officer?
391
00:17:43,361 --> 00:17:45,295
- Oh ho ho!
- Very good!
392
00:17:45,296 --> 00:17:47,097
Oh, well! Thank you.
393
00:17:47,098 --> 00:17:48,766
If... if you insist.
394
00:17:50,101 --> 00:17:51,835
George Burns.
395
00:17:51,836 --> 00:17:53,504
Oh! Great.
396
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:58,075
( Imitating George Burns )
You know, I got into heaven.
397
00:17:58,076 --> 00:18:00,777
And, um, I saw God.
398
00:18:00,778 --> 00:18:02,846
And he wasn't feeling well.
399
00:18:02,847 --> 00:18:04,915
He sneezed.
400
00:18:04,916 --> 00:18:06,283
I didn't know what to say.
401
00:18:07,518 --> 00:18:10,020
- Oh! Very funny!
- Ah!
402
00:18:10,021 --> 00:18:11,188
Excellent! excellent!
403
00:18:11,189 --> 00:18:13,056
All right,
let's get down to business.
404
00:18:13,057 --> 00:18:15,225
Now, I have reviewed the case,
405
00:18:15,226 --> 00:18:18,528
and I agree with my colleague
Mr. Bassen
406
00:18:18,529 --> 00:18:22,766
that you look
very fetching in that skirt.
407
00:18:22,767 --> 00:18:24,835
Ha ha ha ha! Oh, thanks.
408
00:18:24,836 --> 00:18:26,270
You can go. you can go.
409
00:18:26,271 --> 00:18:29,506
However, however,
that does not have an impact
410
00:18:29,507 --> 00:18:31,108
on my decision about your taxes.
411
00:18:31,109 --> 00:18:33,477
Where are you running?
Where are you running? Sit down!
412
00:18:37,281 --> 00:18:38,448
Where do you think you're going?
413
00:18:38,449 --> 00:18:40,317
Fran, this is inside of me.
414
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:44,688
Gee, I... I see here
415
00:18:44,689 --> 00:18:46,790
$86
416
00:18:46,791 --> 00:18:49,393
for apricot facial scrub.
417
00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:52,229
Ah, yes,
418
00:18:52,230 --> 00:18:55,833
well, you see, um,
as a professional caregiver,
419
00:18:55,834 --> 00:18:57,300
Miss Fine needs
420
00:18:57,301 --> 00:18:59,903
to glow and be dewy.
421
00:19:01,973 --> 00:19:05,075
Why don't you just
slap the cuffs on me now?
422
00:19:05,076 --> 00:19:07,511
Relax. I've still got something
up my sleeve.
423
00:19:07,512 --> 00:19:09,914
Oh, unless it's five grand tied
to your forearm,
424
00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:11,181
I ain't interested.
425
00:19:12,684 --> 00:19:14,385
Max,
426
00:19:14,386 --> 00:19:16,386
you make me schlep all the way
down here to pick up my dog,
427
00:19:16,387 --> 00:19:18,956
then your driver says, "Oh, no.
The dog's already at my house."
428
00:19:18,957 --> 00:19:20,323
Look,
I'm not one for star treatment...
429
00:19:20,324 --> 00:19:22,359
Do you know who I am? Huh?
430
00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:24,027
Jay Leno!
431
00:19:24,028 --> 00:19:25,396
Jay!
432
00:19:25,397 --> 00:19:28,032
Hey, I watch "The Tonight
Show" all the time!
433
00:19:28,033 --> 00:19:29,700
- Great.
- Oh! Oh! Watch! Watch!
434
00:19:29,701 --> 00:19:30,741
Watch! Watch! Watch!
435
00:19:33,138 --> 00:19:36,473
( Imitating Johnny Carson)
Ah, it was so cold
436
00:19:36,474 --> 00:19:38,943
in Los Angeles this morning.
437
00:19:38,944 --> 00:19:41,545
- H-h-how cold was it?
- How cold was it?
438
00:19:42,980 --> 00:19:46,650
An exhibitionist came up
to me on Wilshire Boulevard,
439
00:19:46,651 --> 00:19:48,452
and described himself to me.
440
00:19:48,453 --> 00:19:52,088
Ha ha ha ha. Aaah! Ha ha!
441
00:19:52,089 --> 00:19:54,049
Don't quit the day job,
all right?
442
00:19:54,759 --> 00:19:56,393
Ever been audited?
443
00:19:56,394 --> 00:19:57,661
You know,
I heard something in your voice.
444
00:19:57,662 --> 00:19:59,229
You are very good.
You know,
445
00:19:59,230 --> 00:20:02,165
we haven't had an impressionist
on the show in a long time.
446
00:20:02,166 --> 00:20:03,734
- Really? -Yeah! Why don't
we have a cup of coffee?
447
00:20:03,735 --> 00:20:05,402
Let's talk about
an appearance for you.
448
00:20:05,403 --> 00:20:07,371
Oh! Sure! I think you're great.
449
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:10,340
Uh, case dismissed!
450
00:20:13,511 --> 00:20:14,678
This is outrageous.
451
00:20:14,679 --> 00:20:17,381
You should have gone to jail.
452
00:20:17,382 --> 00:20:19,350
Using your slick show
biz connections
453
00:20:19,351 --> 00:20:20,784
to make fools of the government.
454
00:20:20,785 --> 00:20:22,419
I hope you're proud of yourself,
Sheffield.
455
00:20:22,420 --> 00:20:24,620
Yeah, thank you.
Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.
456
00:20:25,557 --> 00:20:29,426
Go, Dad.
Bad boy of Broadway. Okay!
457
00:20:29,427 --> 00:20:31,795
So you like your old man now,
huh?
458
00:20:31,796 --> 00:20:35,132
Listen, what do you say
we take in a movie, huh?
459
00:20:35,133 --> 00:20:36,333
Aw, gee, Dad, I'd love to,
460
00:20:36,334 --> 00:20:38,568
but I'm going to the movies
with Julie from my class.
461
00:20:38,569 --> 00:20:40,070
Oh, well, I can join you.
462
00:20:43,775 --> 00:20:46,142
- See you guys later.
- Bye, sweetie.
463
00:20:46,143 --> 00:20:47,511
Thank you, Miss Fine.
Well, you know,
464
00:20:47,512 --> 00:20:49,479
I, uh, cleared the whole
afternoon for this,
465
00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:52,449
and it's still early,
so I thought maybe
466
00:20:52,450 --> 00:20:56,753
you and I could do
something really sinful.
467
00:20:56,754 --> 00:20:58,855
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
468
00:20:58,856 --> 00:21:02,258
you are clairvoyant.
469
00:21:02,259 --> 00:21:04,594
What do you say about a pizza
with everything on it?
470
00:21:06,130 --> 00:21:07,130
It's uncanny.
471
00:21:15,273 --> 00:21:16,540
Oh, Miss Fine,
472
00:21:16,541 --> 00:21:18,901
what do you know about
Jay Leno's dog getting pregnant?
473
00:21:21,980 --> 00:21:23,313
Um, that depends.
474
00:21:23,314 --> 00:21:26,316
Are you happy about it or angry?
475
00:21:26,317 --> 00:21:30,020
He canceled my cast appearance
on his show.
476
00:21:30,021 --> 00:21:31,741
Then I don't know anything
about it.
477
00:21:32,924 --> 00:21:34,557
Miss Fine,
that dog was in your care.
478
00:21:34,558 --> 00:21:36,093
How could you let this happen?
479
00:21:36,094 --> 00:21:38,194
Well, I tried to pull
them apart as fast as I can,
480
00:21:38,195 --> 00:21:40,897
but I guess I came too late,
and Chester too early.
481
00:21:42,833 --> 00:21:44,000
Miss Fine!
482
00:21:44,001 --> 00:21:46,403
Well, this may come as
a shock to you, mister,
483
00:21:46,404 --> 00:21:49,973
but sometimes there is just no
controlling animalistic passion.
484
00:21:49,974 --> 00:21:53,076
Yes, well, that's the difference
between us and animals.
485
00:21:53,077 --> 00:21:55,778
- Oh yeah?
- Oh, yeah... No!
486
00:21:55,779 --> 00:21:56,819
Stop that! Stop that!
487
00:22:08,126 --> 00:22:11,161
( Jazz music playing )
35168
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof