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1 Oh, I can't believe we're here to see "The Rosie O'Donnell Show."

( applause and cheering )

After his incredibly memorable performance in the hit film,

"Four Weddings and a Funeral,"

our first guest has gone on to become

one of today's hottest movie stars.

His new movie, "Extreme Measures," opens next Friday.

Please say hello to Hugh Grant.

Rosie: Hello

- Hugh: Hi. - Rosie: How are ya?

You shot it here in New York?

We shot most of it here in New York.

Yeah, yeah, that's an experience.

Um, I mean it's a nice experience.

Don't get me wrong, but just, took some adjustment.

You know, I'm used to English film sets

where everyone's very very nice to you all the time,

and "hello, love, can I get you anything?"

"-Cup of tea, donuts?" that kind of stuff. -Right.

And here, I find myself getting cups of tea

and donuts for the drivers, umm.

( laughing )

Oh, is he to die for or what?

Oh, that thick kinda hair

and that adorable English accent.

Ugh, me stuck in the house all day,

where am I gonna ever meet a guy like that?

( Jazz music playing )

All right, we're back.

Hey, I'm on TV.

Hey, buddy.

Stifle!

Uh, that's my lovely assistant telling me

that my son will not go down for his nap.

Uh, put on C-Span,

those senators put each other to sleep.

That's pretty funny. Who said that?

Try that, try that.

Rosie: Stand up.

Oh, look, I'm on the monitor.

Oh, good. The camera puts ten pounds on the hair too.

Rosie: Hey! Fran: Hi!

Rosie: Hi! How are ya?

- I'm good, thank you. - What's your name?

Uh, umm, Fran Fine. Fran Fine, Miss Rosie O'Donnell.

( Camera clicks )

You know, it's two for one on Saturday at Pathmark.

I like glossy. But if you like a matte finish,

- I'm sure... - Listen, I'm not Sally Jesse.

I can't pretend I care, okay?

Okay.

All right, how many kids you got, Fran?

Kids? No. Know what I mean?

All the, the whining and the diapers

and the schlepping, puh-lease.

Oh, yeah? What do you do for a living?

I'm a nanny.

There you have it.

Oh, let's see what this is. Emergency...

Hey, Fran, your trick worked. Two minutes with C-Span,

- my son is out like a light. - Aah!

Of course, watching all the senators,

he now has a hooker in the crib with him.

- That's funny. - You're funny.

I like your laugh.

Listen, why don't you meet me

in the dressing room after the show?

- We could talk. - Oh, oh, my God.

This is incredible. I, uh, I swear,

I have dreamed of this exact moment.

Only my outfit was tighter,

my hair was bigger and you were Streisand.

You can't have everything. Fran Fine, ladies and gentlemen.

We'll be back with Chaka Khan, right after this.

( Applause )

♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell makeup, but father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair, she was there ♪

♪ That's how she became The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She is the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪

♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪

I can't believe we're in Rosie O'Donnell's dressing room.

I'm so nervous, I don't know what to do with myself.

You know, I'm doin' what any real fan would do.

I'm going through her stuff.

Oh, wow. She really does shop at Kmart.

Hey, where's my favorite nanny?

Hey, how's the professor?

( laughing )

You're going through my stuff, aren't ya?

Me? Oh, uh, no, no.

This is hers. Here honey.

She went through your stuff.

Oh, I'd like you to meet my best friend, Val.

Oh, I loved you in "Misery".

When you broke James Caan's legs,

I was screamin'.

Yeah, thanks.

You know, I won an Oscar for that performance.

- ( Mouthing ) I know. - Uh, this is Gracie,

one of the three beautiful children that I take care of.

Hi, Gracie.

You know, I care about them more than myself.

Yeah, where are the other two?

Oh, I swapped the tickets so me and Val could get in.

Oh.

Hey, Fran. I was talking to the producer outside.

What do you think of doing a weekly spot on the show?

You know, about child care?

Oh, my God!

Me? On "The Rosie O'Donnell Show"?

In front of millions of people?

What's your male demographic?

Hmm, you know, you're perfect for TV.

You're funny, you're beautiful,

and you obviously adore children.

Oh, you know, I am a nurturer by nature.

- Hmm. -Fran, I have to go to the bathroom.

Nanny's busy, honey. Cross your legs.

Uh, honey, let me be the one to tell your father

about the job on "Rosie O'Donnell."

He doesn't understand how I can juggle a million things

and still stay on the ball.

Huh, oh, oh.

Oh. Phew.

Your brother and sister didn't come with us tonight.

Fran, did you tell Val not to tell anyone?

Oh, who's she gonna tell? I'm her only friend.

Congratulations!

Val!

Oh, I'm sorry but you are all going to have to leave.

This isn't my house.

He's not home.

Photo op!

( Camera shutters clicking )

Oh, I can't tell you how this job on the "Rosie Show"

makes me so... ♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

( Everyone singing ) ♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

It's, it's all right Miss Fine. Niles told me all about it.

( Door shuts )

Why do you have to be such a yenta?

I am not a yenta.

I'm just sucking up so he'll tell me

what the thing on the plane on the way back from Paris was.

Mr. Sheffield, you're not upset

that I'm gonna be working two jobs?

Two jobs?

What's the other one?

Oh! Here! Yes.

Fran, you were born to be in front of the camera.

- It's in your genes. - Oh.

You know, I was gonna be a model.

But, you know what stopped me?

What's in your genes?

- Uh, Mr. Sheffield? - Hmm?

You know, you're certainly being supportive.

Ah, well, Miss Fine,

that's what I meant when I said we should be friends.

You mean, when you took back the thing?

Narrator: The definition of "The Thing"...

Miss Fine, friends should be supportive.

They don't dwell on the past.

Oh, yeah, they do. I mean, you know,

our people might have enjoyed "Hogan's Heroes,"

but that doesn't mean

that we're gonna go out and drive a Mercedes.

All right, we may drive a Mercedes,

But it doesn't mean we're gonna fly Lufthansa.

- Unless we have mileage. - Yes, yes, yes.

All right, I get the point.

You are never gonna forgive me for taking back the thing.

- Well, - What are you two doing,

airing your dirty laundry in public?

Let's go into the office where we can be more private.

( Door slams shut )

Speak into the flower.

Please welcome, America's favorite nanny,

Fran Fine.

( Applause )

All right, your first letter right now.

"Dear Fran, my son sits too close

to our TV set when he's watching. What should I do?"

From Marian, Dayton, Ohio.

Oh, well, Mary, here's the thing. Get a bigger TV.

This way, his head will be comparatively smaller

and it won't block your view, honey.

Man on speaker: Score!

( music playing )

This is from Jackie Hall in New Jersey.

"Dear Fran, I choose not to breastfeed.

But my husband thinks I should. What should I do?"

Well, that depends, Jackie. Do you have any children?

( laughing )

( audience cheering )

I can't do no more.

All right, one more.

Thank you!

Bye, everyone! I love you!

( People cheering )

You know, Maxwell, I think it's nice

Nanny Fine is doing that little talk show thing.

It gives us so much more time together.

Our relationship's just grown by leaps and bounds.

Miss Fine, you're back.

Ooh, I do hope you've come to kibbitz.

I do love it when we kibbitz.

Mr. Sheffield, I just wanted to say that,

you know, I know I haven't been here a lot

and I really feel guilty about it.

And not just the usual

low level hum of guilt that every Jew feels.

Oh, nonsense, Miss Fine.

Just, just promise me one thing though.

When you become famous, you won't forget us?

Hmm?

Of course, there are a couple of little things

we can forget and move on, eh?

No, no, no. We'll always have Paris.

Nanny Fine, do you mind? We were in the middle of something.

This is a place of business. ( perfume sprays )

Oh, it's okay.

I have lot of messages to return.

Look at this. Proctor and Gamble, Gerber's, Pampers.

What exactly does a national spokesperson do, anyway?

They get their best friend C.C. to be their agent.

Oh, you know, I really am

too nice to negotiate big deals.

I guess I should have a ruthless,

blood sucking leech on my side.

I'll take that as a yes!

What exactly does an agent get?

- You mean you don't know? - No.

- 50%. - C.C.!

Okay, 40%.

Miss Fine and Miss Babcock walking arm in arm.

Isn't that one of the Biblical signs of the Apocalypse?

Fran, I thought you were going to read me my book.

Oh, ho ho. Little girl.

If you can't read by now, start suing your school system.

Nanny Fine, listen to this.

"The children of St. Andrews' Orphanage"

would love to meet you.

"I'm sorry, we can't afford your personal appearance fee."

Yeah, right.

I'm sorry too.

B, what are you doin' home so late?

Well, I had detention.

I thought someone was gonna come down to my school,

sit on my teacher's desk, cross her legs and get me out of it.

- Oh. - Quit whining.

Fran forgot to chaperone me on my date.

You don't hear me complaining.

A hickey, Maggie? Did you really think that

you were gonna hide a hickie from me

with a little pressed powder?

You need oil-based concealer.

Oh, kids. I've been neglecting you.

I'm so sorry.

It's just because I've been so busy with Rosie,

I'm forgetting everything.

I don't even know how I get dressed in the morning.

Oh! My God! Oh, it's a thong, okay.

Now, children, I do hope we're not pestering Miss Fine.

We've all got to try to be a little more supportive.

With her new found celebrity,

Miss Fine is bound to be a little less accessible to us.

Now run along, go on.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm just as accessible

as I always was.

( Doorbell rings )

I'm telling you,

I'm still the same old schlub you met

when I came here.

Hi, Trumpy!

Donald Trump, I'd like you to meet...

Oh, what am I talking about?

All you handsome zillionaires know each other.

Donald!

Maxwell Sheffield, how do you do?

You know, Donald called me on "The Rosie Show"

and invited me to a party at Elaine's for Demi,

who is on the cover of "George." But I don't wanna name drop.

- I'll see you in the limo. - All right.

( Cell phone rings )

Hello?

I told you not to call me on this line again.

( Cell phone rings )

That's better.

Aah, you know, Mr. Sheffield?

A lot of men in your position would be threatened by me

runnin' with movers and shakers

rubbin' elbows and God knows what else.

Hmm.

But not you.

You're really happy for me.

Now I know you meant when you said

you wanted us to be friends.

Of course.

I am very happy for you.

- Bye. - Bye.

Niles, fetch me a bottle of champagne, would you?

To toast Miss Fine's success?

No, to shoot my eye out with a cork!

Come on, Nanny Fine, we don't want to be late.

You know, we're meeting

Uma and Uda to see Emma with Oprah.

Then dinner with Kira, Courtney and Keanu at,

oh, what's that place again?

Oh, I'm so bad with names.

( Sighs )

Niles, hypothetically,

if you cared very deeply for someone,

but feared losing them,

what would you say to get them to stay?

Oh, sir. I'm not going anywhere.

Not you, you blithering idiot!

Miss Fine.

( Doorbell rings )

Well, aren't you gonna answer the door?

Oh, is that what that bell is?

Ah, you know, I never knew that

because I'm such a blithering idiot.

Oh, thank God you're all right.

Oh, why shouldn't I be?

- Give me a hug. - What?

Oh! I was so worried.

Make yourself scarce.

Bubbe Sophie came to her in a dream

and told her you were gonna have a horrible accident.

You rushed over here just because

someone appeared to you in a dream?

Does everyone in your family

take this Bubbe Sophie thing seriously?

They do if they know what's good for them.

She told me,

you were gonna come home from work,

and kiss a perky brunette at the door,

and take a terrible fall over the ottoman.

Ma, that's the opening of "The "Dick Van Dyke Show."

I'm telling you.

It was in this very house.

Look.

Here's Richie.

And there's Millie.

Fran: Oh, good night, Niles. Oh, I'm so full.

You know what, for breakfast tomorrow,

just give me two Belgian waffles.

( moaning )

Oh, no. No.

( Moaning continues )

Mr. Sheffield, Mr. Sheffield. Mr. Sheffield.

Oh, ah, ah, where am I?

Oh, Miss Fine, what are you doing here?

Well, I heard moaning and screaming

coming from your room

and I figured I should be a part of it.

I just had a horrible dream.

Calm down.

Tell me what you dreamt and I'll tell you what it meant.

Well, uh, I was at a party,

some sort of a celebration for, for you.

Do you know someone named Bubbe Sophie?

My Bubbe Sophie came to you in a dream?

Ugh, she was horrible. Wretched.

They said she looked like me.

Oh, with a fantastic body.

Anyway, we were in a cemetery.

Everyone was having a great time.

We were just about to toast your success

when...

♪ Maxwell! ♪

♪ What's this I hear ♪

♪ About your nanny on a talk show ♪

♪ On a talk show! ♪

♪ Who's the schmuck ♪

♪ Who let her do this to your children? ♪

♪ To your children ♪

♪ With a blink ♪

♪ We understand ♪

♪ You've taken back the thing ♪

♪ Yes, the thing ♪

♪ She should be so happy just to have you ♪

♪ As a friend ♪

My Bubbe said that?

Sounds crazy, no?

♪ If your nanny stays on Rosie's show ♪

♪ The kids will grow up wrong ♪

♪ No ♪

♪ Miss Babcock will get Max ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Fran will stay single all her life ♪

♪ Her life! ♪

♪ Phee phee phee ♪

♪ That's Fran's fate ♪

♪ If she stays on Rosie's show ♪

I'm sorry Miss Fine, did I scare you?

Uh, yeah, I'm terrified.

So, what do you think this dream could mean?

Oh, well, it's obvious.

Something horrible's gonna happen to me

unless I quit "The Rosie Show."

No way.

You think?

You're absolutely right.

Yeah, thank God I don't buy into all that

Bubbe Sophie mishigas.

What?

Mishigas.

Means crap.

No, no, I mean,

I mean why don't you believe in Bubbe Sophie

like your entire family?

Oh, you think I'm gonna make a life altering decision based

on some woman I never even met that comes to you in a dream?

What am I nuts?

Now, if Barbra had come to you in a dream...

( shudders audibly )

Oh, don't do "Funny Girl," sir.

Barbra is so obvious.

Do fiddler instead.

Sir, I said the whole dream idea was ridiculous.

Stop underestimating Miss Fine's intelligence

and be honest with her for a change.

Tell her how you feel.

Oh my God, that's the Thing!

You told her how you felt and then you took it back.

Oh, no. You'd never be that stupid.

Hi, Mr. Sheffield.

Oh, there you are, Miss Fine. Where have you been?

Hanging with the hip crowd?

No, visiting Yetta.

I was with the hip replacement crowd.

But you know, she told me not to be so quick

to blow off your dream about Bubbe Sophie.

She said that it was a sign that

I wasn't meant to be in the limelight.

And, you know, the kids need me.

- Hmm. - You need me.

For the kids, calm down.

So I told Rosie that this week was gonna be my last show.

- Oh! - Oh, well, that's your decision.

And that's why I have an office and you clean it.

- Got fired? - Yeah.

Wait till you see my replacements.

They got this retired couple from Florida

doing cheapo restaurant reviews. Ugh!

- Man: It's $10.95 for a full dinner. - Rosie: Yeah?

- Includes salad, - yeah?

- Soup, dessert, - Yeah, yeah?

- Coffee, and then, - Uh-huh? Yeah?

- If you go with four people, - Yeah?

- You get one free! - You get one dinner free!

Yeah!

Can you believe they bumped me for these two characters?

Please! My parents could do better.

Here's the sketch, boss.

I gotta get ready for my dream date.

With who?

Well, I don't know.

I have to fall asleep first.

- Laura. - Sal.

Hi. I'm nearly done.

Oh, darling, I hope you're not upset,

but I did something I wasn't supposed to.

Oh, honey,

it couldn't have been that bad.

- I mean, - What'd you do?

I pushed our beds together.

Come on, let's go home.

Oh, no.

You're not going anywhere.

Alan wants to know what the thing is.

Oh! Ma!

( Jazz music playing )