Original subtitles

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -

Are you okay?

Uh-huh.

Your stomach! Somebody help!

On the 12th hour of the first day of October 1989,

16 women around the world gave birth.

This was unusual only in the fact

that none of these women had been pregnant when the day first began.

Sir Reginald Hargreeves, eccentric billionaire and adventurer,

resolved to locate and adopt as many of the children as possible.

Extraordinary.

How much do you want for it? Surely you don't want to keep it.

How much do you want for him?

You lay one finger on my grandson, I slice you in half!

Excellent! I like a spirited negotiator.

Love you, Marcus!

Hey, next round's on Christopher!

I said no pepperoni. No pepperoni, dumbass!

- You said no mushrooms. - I speak English!

So does my son.

We speak American, asshole.

You are an American asshole.

Let go of me! Let go!

Get outta my store! Get out of here!

This better be pepperoni.

This isn't your home.

What are you talking about? This is the Umbrella Academy.

Wrong again.

This... is the Sparrow Academy.

Dad, who the hell are these assholes?

Shit.

Ben.

Is that really you?

And who are the weirdos on the balcony?

They are the Sparrows.

My children.

I'm sorry. What do you mean, your children?

That's not possible, old man.

Of course it is! I think I'd know, wouldn't I?

Everybody else can see Ben, right?

Cute hat, Sundance.

They call themselves the Umbrella Academy,

a group of scheming, perfidious malcontents

who accosted me in the fall of 1963

when I was away on business in Dallas.

Be warned, they claim to be my spawn.

Claim? Look, Five, what the hell is going on?

I don't know yet, but it's concerning.

- Is he telling the truth? - Not the part about us being perfidious.

No, we're amateur-fidious, at best.

But we are his children. This is our house.

Yeah, yeah. We, uh... We grew up here.

"Yeah, we grew up here."

I kind of think we would have noticed you.

Hi. I'm Luther.

Okay. None of you belong here.

Oh! Well, then.

I guess we'll just pack our bags and move out.

You slay me, Chris.

I wasn't expecting company.

This is the best I could do on short...

Short... Short notice.

- Mom. - Mom? She's a robot, you perv.

- It's not a robot. - Hey, don't you call him that.

- Or what? - Come closer and find out.

- Luther! Guys, chill! - Think I'm afraid?

- Stand down, Ben. - Look at that! She's got a voice!

How about I hide that big Rubik's Cube up your ass?

Enough!

I don't know what circus you escaped from

or how you got past our security,

but we're done here.

You got 30 seconds to get out of our house.

And if we don't?

Then we'll have to settle this the old-fashioned way.

Agreed.

♪ I been working so hard ♪

- Get him, Luther! - ♪ Keep punching my card ♪

- ♪ Eight hours, for what? ♪ - Luther, what are you doing?

Protecting our honor, bro.

♪ I got this feeling ♪

♪ That time's just holding me down ♪

Oh shit! We're really good at this!

♪ I'll hit the ceiling ♪

♪ Or else I'll tear up this town ♪

♪ Tonight I gotta cut loose ♪

♪ Footloose ♪

♪ Kick off your Sunday shoes ♪

♪ Please, Louise ♪

♪ Pull me off of my knees ♪

♪ Jack, get back ♪

♪ C'mon before we crack ♪

♪ Lose your blues ♪

♪ Everybody cut footloose ♪

♪ Cut footloose ♪

♪ Cut footloose ♪

♪ Cut footloose ♪

- ♪ First ♪ - ♪ We got to turn it around ♪

- ♪ Second ♪ - ♪ And put your feet on the ground ♪

- ♪ Third ♪ - ♪ Now take ahold of your soul ♪

♪ I'm turning it loose ♪

♪ Footloose ♪

♪ Kick off your Sunday shoes ♪

♪ Please, Louise ♪

♪ Pull me off of my knees ♪

♪ Jack, get back ♪

♪ C'mon before we crack ♪

♪ Lose your blues ♪

♪ Everybody cut footloose ♪

- ♪ Footloose ♪ - ♪ Footloose ♪

♪ Kick off your Sunday shoes ♪

♪ Please, Louise ♪

♪ Pull me off of my ♪

♪ Pull me off of my ♪

♪ Pull me off of my knees ♪

♪ Jack, get back ♪

♪ C'mon before we crack ♪

♪ Lose your blues ♪

♪ Everybody cut, everybody cut ♪

♪ Everybody cut, everybody cut ♪

♪ Everybody cut, everybody cut ♪

♪ Everybody cut footloose... ♪

You got 30 seconds to get out of our house.

And if we don't?

Then we'll have to settle this the old-fashioned way.

Look, we just fought a literal army.

Okay? This doesn't need to get ugly.

Let's all just calm down, and let's talk.

Psst. Ben-er-ino.

You look so much better alive than you do dead.

Am I right?

Except that haircut.

- What the hell did you just say? - Come on, come on.

Stop with all the hostility, Mr. Grumpy Pants.

Oh wow. Nice scar.

Muy macho.

Shut your mouth!

You shut your mouth and just hug your brother...

Hey! What the hell?

- You didn't have to do that! - Oh, I'm pretty sure I did!

- He did. - Get back!

- Luther, hey! - Back off!

Oh shit!

Bad touch, Luther! Bad touch!

Sorry.

All right. Peace and love, peace and love. Here I come.

Damn it.

Come at me, litter box!

Hey! Listen, I have amazing hair, all right?

This was era-appropriate!

That's all you got?

You're alive. That's... great. Or possibly horrible.

- I'm not really sure yet. - Is that some kind of weird smack talk?

It's more of an existential problem, really, Ben.

Awesome. Well, here's your next problem.

You know, even though you're a total asshat now...

... it's nice to see you again, really.

Who's your daddy? I'm your daddy!

Who's... your... daddy?

I don't wanna fight you!

Aww! Did you wanna be best friends?

You know, for a blind person, you're not bad.

Who says I'm blind, asshole?

Should I step in and help?

Nah. She's making a point.

Popcorn?

My turn.

Art snob, huh?

See? We're hugging!

This is progress!

By the way,

I heard a rumor you can't move.

- Hit me. - What?

- Come on. Hit me in the face. - Okay.

Hit me!

I bet that hurt, huh?

Fast little guy.

- Thanks. - No problem.

Hey, short pants. What's up?

Go help the others. I'll handle this one.

- Okay. - What are you, their mascot?

More like their ringer.

Ugh.

Hey, gross, all right?

The hell?

Delores?

Delores?

Ugh.

Are they all perverts?

See?

- Bigger isn't always better. - Is that what you tell your girlfriends?

- Thai food for dinner? - I could go for pad see ew.

I'm in. Marcus, Thai?

Why are you even asking him? He hates Thai.

- What? Since when? - Fine. Italian?

- Absolutely not. - I could do Italian.

- We done here? - Nope.

I don't run from a fight.

- Yeah, that's the wrong answer, dude. - Let him finish him off.

Then let's end this.

- Stay down! - Luther!

Vanya!

You again.

Luther, go! Get out!

No!

Which one are you? Scruffy? Fatty?

Sad Girl? I forget the rest.

Who are these absolute psychopaths,

and why are they in our house?

Simple. Once your oafish tribe

showed me what a poor job I did with my first selections,

I adopted them instead of you.

Dad!

I'm not your father, young man. Not anymore. Biscuit?

Klaus! We gotta go, man. Now. These guys are too good.

For you guys. I'm loving it.

But you're probably gonna die. Come on.

Oh! Shit.

Hey, I'm sorry. Uh, are you okay?

Yeah.

Hi.

I'm Sloane.

Hey, Sloane.

Uh...

- I'm Luther. - Luther, we're leaving! Come on!

- Just a second... - Come on! We gotta go!

- Seriously? - Move, move, move, move!

The briefcase!

- What? - No time!

- I hate that he can do that! - Go! Shut it!

Quick! Get in!

Oh shit.

- Oh shit! - What do we do?

Haul ass!

Where's the briefcase?

Shit, it's gone!

Vanya, get out of there!

It's over.

Go.

Don't come back.

Just gonna sit. I'm just gonna sit for a minute.

That didn't go well.

No, not our best work.

Oh, I'm cracking.

You all right?

I don't know yet.

I've just never had my ass handed to me like that before.

It's like...

Here you go.

It's your ass.

Okay, I think Luther's concussed.

Luther, how many fingers?

Oh my God. Vanya.

Oh. Thank God you're alive.

- You okay? - Apparently, so is Ben.

Yeah. And he's a complete dickhead.

- They're all dickheads. - Dickheads who can fight.

Okay, next person to say "dickhead" is getting a punch to the throat.

Dickhead.

Hey, did Dad tell you why he was calling them his kids?

He sure did!

You ready?

Dad was so repulsed by us back in Texas,

that he adopted an entirely different group of children

just so that he didn't have to raise us.

- That's just peak Dad. - Isn't it?

- So he just didn't want us anymore? - Did he ever?

See? I told you we shouldn't have asked him for help in '63.

I think you're all missing the big picture here.

If Dad didn't adopt us as kids, he changed the timeline.

So who knows what else is different now.

Shouldn't you know?

Sorry, Allison, but it might take me more

than 20 minutes and a traumatic brain injury

to figure this all out.

Is that okay with you?

No, actually, it's not.

Guys, look, it's fine.

We still have the Commission's briefcase,

so worst case, we can just go back in time and fix it.

- Great. - Okay.

There are two problems with that statement.

- First off... - Here we go.

- Time travel is complicated, people. - Yeah, we get it. Your job is so hard.

Just... what?

And secondly...

I no longer have the briefcase.

Five, where the hell is the briefcase?

What are we doing?

- Ruminating. - Why is everyone staring at us?

Because we look like the damn Village People just lost a fight.

- Gimme that. Hey. - Ow!'

- You know what? I need to go find Claire. - Cut it out.

- I will catch up with you guys later. - Hey, Allison, no.

First, let's get somewhere safe, clean up those cuts,

and then we'll go find her.

Man, I hate those guys.

Look at 'em with their... stupid smug...

You can do it. You can do it.

... s... s... smug...

smugness.

Keep working on it, big guy. You'll land one, eventually.

But honestly, what are we doing?

We can't stand here bleeding out in this park.

I don't know, but we better gear up fast

before they come for round two.

What makes you think they'll come after us?

Because I would.

- Yeah, we did break into their house... - Our house.

... bust up all their nice antiques and shit.

Yeah. I don't think the crime-fighting...

super nerds are gonna let that go.

Let's just think of some place off the radar

where we can lie low and not draw attention.

What kind of a weird-ass place are we not gonna draw attention?

Oh. Okay. Honestly?

Okay.

We don't all need to be squeezed...

There were two entrances, by the way.

Oh, Hotel Obsidian. I missed you, you slutty old dame.

Absorb her.

Absorb her into your bosom.

You know, 'cause back in her heyday, she played host to world leaders.

Roosevelt, Gandhi,

Stalin, Gorbachev, Castro,

King Olaf of Norway,

one of the Kim Jongs, Tito, Dalai Lama, Elvis,

and not one but two Kardashians, allegedly.

- Wouldn't that... Where you going? - I gotta make a call.

Nowadays, she's just a flophouse, a party house

for those of us not looking to be judged by society's rules and norms.

You mean, a place to hide?

Exactly! It's perfect!

And the best part of it is, she's gonna look after us,

no questions asked.

Never ever. Right?

Come on.

- I may have questions. - Yeah, me too.

This place is weird.

Hi, you've reached Patrick. Leave a message after the beep.

Patrick. Hey, it's Allison.

I know I've missed a few calls home. It's just, um...

Well, it's, um...

Anyway, um...

I'll call Claire later.

Please tell her

that Mommy misses her.

So much.

Chet! Mon frère!

It's so great to see you. I'd like my usual suite, por favor.

I've never seen you before.

See? Told you. Discreet.

Please stop scaring my dog.

- We need some rooms, please. - Super.

And how will we be paying today?

- Ah. - Oh.

Fine. Empty your pockets.

Come on. Something.

- Condom? Put the knife away! - Can't exchange those for cash.

Why do I have a hairnet?

Oh.

All right.

Ooh.

What does this get us?

Two rooms.

Mazel tov.

- Awesome. - All right.

Well, let's Brady Bunch this bitch.

Uh, meet back in the bar in two hours so we can make a plan.

I have a plan.

We attack the Sparrows, and we take back our house,

and then we punch Dad a bit until he admits that we're better

and he loves us more. Boom! Done!

We're wasting time!

Relax. Don't sweat it, man.

Those shit birds are staying put for a while.

I bet they're as wiped as we are.

- Really? - Yeah. I mean,

kicking our asses looked exhausting.

Big one is strong but slow, possibly stupid.

Some sort of... simian hybrid.

Who took the little jumpy guy?

Me. Just gave him a spanking and sent him to school.

Hey-oh!

The skinny one is their weak link.

Unless hiding behind couches shouting,

"Where's my daddy?" is his superpower.

Enough post-gaming. They disrespected us, Marcus.

We need to be out there finding these freaks and taking 'em out.

Oh, you mean like this?

Can someone explain how you got your asses handed to you in 30 seconds?

Do you have any idea what would happen to our reputation

if anyone had seen that?

I mean, we haven't faced decent enemies for years.

This could be good for us.

Good for business.

But only if we're smart with our next move.

You summoned, Number One?

Sit.

You spent time with these people. What's your assessment?

Unimpressive. Neanderthals on a day pass.

Cried too much and showered too little.

The only thing they lacked more than grit

was any regard for one another.

No loyalty. We can use that.

Good. Give a full report to Christopher.

Still,

I wouldn't underestimate the Umbrella Academy.

Yes, their skills are as lacking as their hygiene,

yet somehow, they saved the world in 1963.

Had they not,

none of you would be standing here now.

Perhaps I misjudged them.

Yes, yes. I'm going.

Not in this hotel.

Oh!

See? It's paradise.

High ceilings, sense of space.

Aromatic.

What the hell?

- Where's the bathroom? - Down the hall, or...

Nature's bathroom.

You're disgusting.

But consistent.

Let's unpack. Settle in.

Unpack? Unpack what? We don't own anything anymore.

Yes, Luther. Isn't that liberating?

What are you, a commie?

No! If I wanted bunk beds and group showers,

I would've stayed in the Texas nuthouse.

At least they had free Jell-O.

- And Lila. - Jell-O!

Hey, Diego.

I just spent the past 20 straight days saving the world.

Twice.

Can I get five minutes to relax before figuring all the new kinks out?

Please and thank you.

And Dad said I'd never go to summer camp.

This is great.

All right, I'm bored. Cocktail, anyone?

Five?

I'll take a scotch if you have one.

It's not too small.

It's definitely ugly.

Last night, I was sleeping in my own bed next to my amazing husband.

I kissed Sissy goodbye a few hours ago.

Give or take 50 years.

I'm glad you finally found somebody that treated you right.

She saw me for who I really am.

I'm not ready to give that up.

I feel the same about Ray.

We better not have left them just to die in some superhero turf war.

You need to go home.

Hug your daughter.

What if Diego's right and the Sparrows attack?

We fought the entire Commission.

I mean, we can handle, what? Seven jerks in uniforms?

They just caught us off guard.

Yeah.

You should go to the airport.

And get back to your real life.

I would if I could.

Thank you.

You're a good sister.

Dumb mistake.

Mom, my hands are wet.

I'm glad we're doing this.

Whatever happens between our two families,

the Number Ones should orchestrate it.

I'm Number Seven, actually.

Well, then somebody screwed up.

My brothers think you're gonna come after us.

I don't want a war.

We've lost enough.

Then you shouldn't have attacked us in our own house.

Look,

this isn't personal,

but we're the only superhero game in town.

We have this place under complete control.

But if your people start taking shots at us,

it will give the sheep ideas.

We won't. That's...

And I'm just supposed to take your word on that?

For your whole family?

You're not even their Number One.

And I'm sorry, but I can't risk that.

So if you came here to beg me not to make the next move...

I came here to tell you mine.

Tomorrow morning, when your busloads of fans show up,

I'm gonna be there on your front lawn,

and I'm gonna call you out for a fight, just you and me.

Why?

Because your team is good.

Better than mine, maybe.

But I don't think you're better than me, Marcus.

I ended the world twice.

And you?

You're just meat in spandex.

And I bet you don't want the whole world watching

when I prove that to you.

What do you really want, Vanya?

You have something I need, and I want it back.

He's making a deal with them.

I'll handle it.

You should try chewing. You might actually taste the food.

I haven't eaten in days.

What's wrong?

- You look happy. - I am plenty happy.

Had a nap and a shvitz. What does a man need?

Brothers who don't eat like barn animals?

So I've been thinking through our little timeline snafu,

and I'm pleased to report that in my professional, expert opinion,

we are totally in the clear.

- Awesome! - Huh!

- Great. - Yeah.

- So everything's totally fine? - More or less.

I mean, there is one... small thing.

It's nothing we can't manage.

So spit it out, Boomer!

Fine, Diego, it's like this.

Dad didn't adopt us as babies, but those babies still existed here.

Aww!

We just grew up in different places with different people.

So?

So where are they now?

Odds are, we each have identical versions of ourselves

walking around out there, living completely different lives.

- Our doppelgängers! - That's a made-up word.

No, no! I learned all about this in Texas.

Tell him about the paranoid psychosis, Five.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! I thought you said this wasn't a problem.

Okay, yes, technically,

if you're near your doppel for long, you'll go insane.

- So, if you see your other self... - Kill them.

- Sleep with them. - Avoid them.

- What is wrong with you? - Come on.

As if you wouldn't climb Luther Mountain.

Wait. How are we supposed to guarantee

we don't cross paths with ourselves?

Easy. We're the Benetton ad of superheroes,

born all around the world until Dad brought us here,

which he no longer did.

Doppels probably aren't even in the same time zone as us.

That's true.

- Yeah. - Would you pass the moo shu?

I don't know. Doesn't it seem kind of rude

that Dad unadopting us didn't change anything?

- I'm offended. - Hold up.

- I never said that, Klaus. - I'll be right back.

How are we gonna know where it changed?

Hello, lover.

Holy shit.

You really came back.

You miss me already?

That's too bad.

I'm not here to stick around. I'm just doing a quick little drop-off.

Of what?

Our son.

Diego, meet Stan.

Say hello, Stanley!

Hello, Stanley.

Wait. What?

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, this is...

Hey, this is a... It's a joke, right?

That your boys can swim fast? Yeah.

Joke's on me there.

I've had Stan for 12 years.

It's time for you to do your part.

Have fun bonding.

Be good for Mommy.

So...

Do you got any food?

Grace.

Have you seen a briefcase?

What are you doing?

Worshiping.

Holy shit.

Yes.

It is holy.

Isn't it beautiful?

Grace, what is this thing?

A miracle.

I can't make out what it's saying. Can you?

It's just noise.

No, Marcus.

It's a message from God.

Listen.

I hear it.

You mind your manners.

The point is, we did it. We saved the world.

We stopped the apocalypse.

And made it home safe in time for dinner.

So whatever Dad changed,

whatever timeline we're in now...

... we can handle it.

We won.

We won.

Yeah.

- All right. - All right.

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