Original subtitles

Twelve each...

We can wrap this up in two days.

I don't want to be rude,

but do you mind if I take care of all this myself? - Take a sip.

Quiet, please.

Sit down.

People are mad.

My favorite serial,

my work, my message, it's horror.

The great MacGregor is retiring.

He's leaving me in the lurch

in the middle of the 843th episode.

Doesn't he have a contract?

Of course, he does.

But he also has a medical certificate saying, "No disturbing emotions."

He doesn't want to frighten anybody anymore.

It supposedly traumatizes him.

He wants to star in a romantic series.

With his teeth and all that?

His romantic series is gonna be...

- Is gonna be what? - Horrible.

Get out.

I don't pay you to be witty in my office.

I pay you to be witty in my shows.

Sit down.

Maggie dear,

bring me the file on the Dracula series.

Don't bother, Maggie.

These gentlemen are fired.

You're fired.

Sit down.

Thank you, dear.

What are you working on now?

Well, we are putting the finishing touches on "The First Tears of Daphne."

What's that?

Come on, boss!

That's our number one series.

We are now at episode 138,

and we still got 4,863 letters last week.

Sit down.

You're fired...

Unless...

Unless you make MacGregor the star

of "The First Tears of Daphne" starting next episode,

and unless your story becomes terrifying. Got it?

- Terrifying! - But, boss...

What about Errol Cooper?

Just on the screen, morons.

Not out in the woods somewhere!

- Is your car down there? - Yes, boss.

And are your cases in the trunk? - No. - They are in the trunk.

Yes, boss.

- Get out. - Take this!

You're expected at MacGregor's.

Not to have fun, but to work!

MacGregor has prepared the ambiance.

I hope his ambiance will give you brilliant ideas. Go!

MacGregor!

Romantic!

How dare he?

How can he do this to me?

I've been betrayed. Betrayed!

Is that yours, Tovarich?

Not at all.

Well?

Where shall I put this?

How should I know?

Stop.

Why?

I won't be long.

I'm scared.

Why?

Don't worry. Drink this.

My goodness, there is someone in the backseat.

They drink.

Therefore, they exist.

Maybe they're deaf and dumb.

We'll see.

Drive!

The MacGregor ambiance

is supposed to give you brilliant ideas.

These two ladies are part of the MacGregor ambiance.

They're not supposed

to be talked to, nor to be shagged.

I don't want them to be wilted when they arrive at the château.

MacGregor wouldn't have them as his partners.

"Dream creatures and erotic monsters."

I never dream,

but believe me, an "erotic monster",

that's different!

Drive on. Drive on.

How do they look to you?

Wilted?

I never could stand having pins and needles in my hands.

Never ever, even when I was a kid.

What about you?

There's just two miles left, you know.

What the hell did they put in these suitcases?

None of our business.

- Gimme that. - Take a drink. - Hurry!

Good stuff, ain't it?

To hell with their cases!

We're not their lackeys.

Goodbye!

You're right.

Good heavens! Our guests are here.

How do you do?

Come on, Abélard,

will you light this fire or shall I call the Devil?

I am the mistress of the house.

My name is Germaine, and I like young and beautiful people like you.

I am sure we'll get along.

Abélard, show these ladies

and these gentlemen to their rooms.

See you soon.

Good evening, noble friends.

I am MacGregor.

How do you do, sir?

Is it Abélard

who has put you in this lamentable state?

Abélard,

I already told you to treat our guests correctly.

Do not let yourself be treated this way. Have you seen my wife?

She used to be his.

We've had the honor.

Madame Germaine--

Don't you dare call her "Germaine"!

But she said...

That's enough! She believes a Christian name

is sacred!

I call her Héloïse

because I find it more romantic.

Without romance, young people, we are lost.

We are all lost.

I was lost before I realized that.

Only romance separates man from beasts.

That's the reason why I married Héloïse.

She is my passport to humanity. She is my soul.

Can a soul be called "Germaine,"

I ask you?

Abélard! Would you please be quiet?

He is definitely not a bad guy.

I only married Héloïse after he had

that unfortunate accident with his axe.

A blow to his manhood.

Beware of Abélard, my friends.

He is so clumsy!

See you later.

Before I forget,

we dress for dinner. - But, sir...

Don't "sir" me.

Yes, but...

These assholes left our luggage on the side of the road.

My dear little lady-- - Maddie. - I presume you are an actress.

And I understand these gentlemen are screenwriters.

You belong in the happy few

for whom imagination is a professional duty.

You've just entered the realm of romance.

You didn't expect to get here in a car

and with suitcases, did you?

What a sacrilege it would have been!

Here you glide on the wings of love.

This château is now yours.

Its resources are countless.

Make good use of them.

You're not gonna leave me in this cathedral, are you?

But I'll be next door.

I'm not gonna fly away. Not till I have had a shower!

Aren't you afraid of staying alone with him?

Abélard isn't a mean guy.

Just a little clumsy.

Aren't you a nice boy, Abélard?

You wild beast!

Maddie, it's awful!

My bathroom... - What's wrong with your bathroom?

I'll tell you.

Let's take a look at yours.

- I'm going to fetch a lamp. - Go fetch a lamp.

Look, it's blood!

Just like in mine, it's blood!

No, it's just rust. Don't worry, it'll stop. Go take your bath.

I'm afraid of the dark.

I'm afraid of the wolf.

I can't help it.

I'm scared of everything.

And every night,

till daybreak,

I need a man to protect me from ghosts,

to make me jump on his lap.

I'm afraid of the dark,

I'm afraid of the wolf.

A wolf is sweet,

believe me.

A bit clumsy with black fingernails.

Imagine a man with lots of hair.

It's all the same! You want to be pampered?

To he kissed on the neck?

Try one evening

with the wolf.

No, I am so scared.

A wolf is mean.

Besides,

it's funny

how gentle men are

with cowardesses!

They can believe they're lions.

And in the dark,

it's so good!

Boogeymen

and werewolves

don't

impress me anymore.

And if we don't want men to get tired of us,

we must find stronger stuff.

A true vampire...

Or Dracula!

Bring the lamp, Tovarich.

Where are you?

Come have a drink.

Bring the lamp. Don't forget we must dress.

What the hell are you waiting for?

- Ah! There you are! - Lots of things in there!

Look in that trunk.

There's costumes

for 50 series, at least!

Hey! Look at this!

That's his first wife's head!

All kinds of colors!

And look, look at this.

Fantastic!

- Tovarich! - Yes?

Don't be a jerk!

Don't play with that.

Stop! You're tickling me!

Enough to shoot

ten episodes!

- Aren't I beautiful with this? - Yes, Tovarich.

Come here!

- What is it? - Look at this!

He said "dressed up", not "made up."

How marvelous!

Are you gay?

You never told me!

Stop kidding, will you?

My grandfather made up all the Russian court.

And my father, the Ballets Russes.

I'm a make-up man at heart, do you understand?

And that's why I picked you up in front of the fire exit?

Yes, Tovarich. They didn't understand me because I was ahead of my time.

I was the make-up man of tomorrow.

Let's get to work.

- Where are the girls? - Over there.

Imagine them completely naked,

made-up from head to toe...

Gorgeous!

Don't bother to knock!

What the hell are you doing?

Haute couture!

- You voyeur! - You perv!

Dear young friends,

you are looking at the last great master of horror.

Who would dare to claim this title after MacGregor?

Horror is dead,

and, being dead,

it doesn't frighten anybody.

- But Mr. Gregor... - Mac!

We are going to be fired.

The boss said...

The future is in romance.

It's the only truth, the only beauty.

Remember what Boileau said:

"Only what's true is beautiful. Only what's true is attractive."

But, Mr. MacGregor, we've been selling romance for ten years.

I've just landed on these fragrant shores,

but we shall see what we shall see!

It better be a blast. Otherwise...

Come on, Mr. Mac...

- Gregor! - Gregor. - Mac!

Well, seriously,

why don't you want us

to turn out a nice little romantic horror film?

Romance is awful, don't you agree?

What she means is

horror is romantic,

because if we...

And Mrs. Héloïse could play with us.

Don't laugh!

You should pray that you'll be like my wife one day.

It's Héloïse who took my hand

and guided me along the glorious paths of romance.

I would chase her

night after night,

from dusk to dawn,

in the forest,

in the moonlight.

In the moonlight?

And I was naked,

my dear sir.

Naked!

Yes, Antoine.

Alfred.

Oh, yes.

Alfred.

Like Alfred de Vigny, dear. Like Alfred de Musset.

Like Hitchcock!

Alfred is a very honorable name.

Maybe, but nevertheless I wish

his name were Antoine.

Abélard!

Leave this, my friend.

This does not suit your dignity.

After all, you were my wife's first husband.

Don't bother.

Young lady,

will you be so kind as to grant me this waltz?

What waltz?

Amateur work.

Boris,

why did you do that?

Boris?

Why?

How about getting some candles?

Let's go find some.

Where is he?

Nobody gave a damn about me. I got fed up!

Come on in, girls.

He's a lousy screenwriter, but an outstanding make-up artist.

He just doesn't know when he's gone too far.

Well, well, it was

romance time.

And if the boss had seen us, he would have fired us all.

We had to break ol' Mac's romantic spell.

We all agreed to bring him back on the horror track

with a kick in the ass.

I did my best.

You'll have to come up with something else. Old Mac wasn't shook up.

He only said, "Amateur work."

Shall I ask if anybody's got any ideas?

Alfred!

No!

You're cheating!

No, no, no, no!

Well done!

You coming?

Right away,

sweetie pie.

Go back to your room, you lecher!

I can't do two things at the same time.

What two things?

- Making love and dying of fright. - But, Maddie...

There's no Maddie here. You just came

to help me undo my dress.

You promised. Now, leave me.

I'm scared, too.

I'm staying here.

Then I'm leaving.

I'll sleep in your room. And I warn you,

I don't want to see you before breakfast.

But, Maddie...

I want to see myself.

You better not, darling.

You'd drop dead.

And what could we do with a corpse,

tell me?

And don't act like this moron. Don't wake up after five minutes

with a big smile.

I'm not an actress!

I'm so scared!

Let's go scare Uncle MacGregor!

- What shall I do? - First, don't speak so loud.

What must I do?

You shout and you play dead.

Piece of cake.

Like this.

Marie has disappeared.

And the old man,

either he is dead or else he wasn't even frightened.

I heard nothing.

It's terrible.

We're not cut out for horror.

It's hopeless.

Tovarich, there's someone in your room.

I know. Something huge, monstrous, jumping on the bed, going,

"Boom, boom, boom, boom."

I'm exhausted.

I'm not moving from here.

All three of us will sleep here.

Ah, no!

Okay, we'll leave you alone.

We'll go to Marie's room.

All right, all right.

Did you sleep well? Did the night

inspire you with romantic ideas to help me in my new direction?

But Mr. MacGregor, if you give up horror,

who will pick up the torch?

In horror, my young friend,

there's no torch. Only dark-lanterns.

So, you're on the wrong track,

my young friend.

How delicious!

Would you like Abélard to make you some for you to taste?

It's a pity.

He can prepare chicken blood like no one else.

Héloïse, please.

Quiet! He's talking to me.

I see... I see...

Unhappiness,

great unhappiness.

Germaine, once again,

stop this nonsense.

Héloïse!

Ah, yes, of course,

Héloïse. It's all right, all right,

but never do this again.

He's cut himself again!

I wonder what he's lost this time.

Men spend their lives

losing pieces of their souls and of their bodies.

Each time it happens, they cry out in pain.

That's what romance is about:

the cries of man, sowing the pieces of his life behind him.

Never shall I make my audience scream in fear.

Cries of fear are insignificant.

From now on, I only want to hear

cries of body and mind.

Come with me, you'll soon understand.

Believe me, you'll soon understand!

I'm going to take a little nap.

Sleep.

Ah, sleep.

Sleeping is wonderful. The time has come for me to learn how to sleep.

Do you often dream, dear?

I had a dream last night.

Tell me!

I was naked

and there were hands running over me.

Many hands, getting harder and harder,

running faster and faster all over me.

They burned like lashes from a whip.

But I was colder and colder,

and all the hands took hold of my waist.

And I seemed to be cut in two,

but it didn't hurt, because I was so cold.

Then your hands

and MacGregor's

began to warm me,

and I was almost dead and I was almost happy.

I didn't cry out.

I remember

I didn't cry.

Finger bandage,

who are you for?

Maybe

for my teddy bear who won't be able to suck his thumb.

But don't worry,

we'll find

something softer.

Now, because you've been a good boy,

here's Abe-love's reward!

This world is dead, my dear Alfred. I sacrificed it on the Altar of Love.

Héloïse has changed my life. There's no longer any place for terror.

She has drawn me towards a world where hearts palpitate,

not in torture chambers, but beneath chaste bodices.

She's managed to free me from my grandfather's ghost.

It took me forty years to bury him.

Forty years to bury a gravedigger!

Isn't it ironic?

May your father and mother

rest in peace!

May God keep them in His holy care!

You are the last of the MacGregors.

My grandfather...

He was as old as the hills,

a gravedigger like his father and like mine.

And I was blond.

Yes, I remember. I was blond and I was alone then.

What do you want to be

when you are older?

If you want, I'll teach you to be a gravedigger.

It's a good job.

I want to be an actor like them.

Actor. Actor!

I've been scaring people for forty years.

I bleed helpless creatures dry.

I dig up and I bury bodies like my grandfather.

Good-for-nothing slobs! Hooligans!

Sluggards! Child-snatchers! Soul-destroyers!

You little devil!

Do you know what happens to traveling players?

They are buried without God, by the side of the road.

Come now.

Come with me or you'll be cursed!

Cursed till the end of days.

Yes, I chose

to be cursed, my dear Alfred.

It killed my grandfather.

When I caught up with the gypsies,

their wagon had toppled over.

My grandfather's hearse

carried me down the roads of dream and fantasy.

A new life started for me.

I was going to be an actor.

And the ghost of my grandfather--

left alone, unburied--

haunted all my roles.

Ironically, my first role

was the gravedigger in "Hamlet."

You see, dear Alfred, it's not in drama schools

that you learn how to be a high priest of horror.

Come, don't be afraid.

Come and see Uncle MacGregor's album.

How beautiful!

But what's this instrument?

A torture chair.

I'll show you the real thing, in perfect working order.

Will you scare me

if I promise to be nice, Uncle Mac?

I'll scare you

if you promise not to be!

Are you comfortable?

Come, Antoine, I want to show you

my own little collection.

Wanna try?

Take it.

I... I...

Sorry.

Where are you going?

I forgot something in my room.

Antoine.

I'll be right back. - Antoine! Antoine!

Trouble in paradise, my dear dove?

Has the handsome Alfred run away?

And you, little slut...

Monster! Vampire seed!

Aren't you ashamed to take advantage of

the weakness of a pure heart?

Come on, dear.

She wasn't taking advantage of me.

I was only showing her how the chair works.

You see?

Oh, no!

Boris!

Stop playing games. Get up and go take a bath.

Boris!

I didn't do it! He did! - Who?

Have a drink.

He's gone berserk, Tovarich!

[Speaks Russian]

Berserk!

Maddie's dead.

Very much so.

She must have made a pass at him. You know how tactful she could be.

So what?

Come on, Tovarich.

He's lost his marbles... And balls, too.

It's crystal queer!

I think I can handle him. Go get help.

Call the cops, if you have to!

Help!

MacGregor! MacGregor!

Stop your silly games now,

Madeleine is dead.

The village idiot stuck his axe in her back.

What happened?

When you left, the old witch blew a fuse.

She hit him with her whip.

He dropped dead.

The candles! What have you done with the candles? Go get them.

Stop it, will you? And you, what kind of act are you performing?

It's useless. They're solid.

They strapped me in just before he dropped dead.

If you hadn't run away to protect your virtue, I wouldn't be here now!

But if I had run away sooner,

Madeleine might still be alive.

It seems that our little trip

is turning into a bad trip.

Don't worry, Marie,

I'm here now. I'm with you.

I won't leave you again.

Madeleine is dead!

We have to call the cops.

Where's the telephone?

The telephone?

Did you hear that, MacGregor?

Mr. Horror-Screenwriter wants to know

where the phone is!

Alfred!

Héloïse, stop!

Wait!

Stop.

Sit down, Antoine!

And now you are going to die.

And you, too, little slut!

What do I care

if the whole world dies?

MacGregor is no more.

I'll grow old alone in this château.

How romantic, don't you think?

How nice of you to come and see

a lonely old lady!

Will you have a cup of tea?

Yes, yes, just a small cup.

I'll go and get it for you.

She's out of her mind.

And dangerous.

And strong as an ox. She lifted the old man up onto the table all by herself.

What the hell is she doing?

She's getting undressed!

That's all we need!

Yes, you are going to die, Antoine.

But first, I'll grant you one last hour of bliss.

You're going to love me like a beast.

I want you to give me a child

so that I'll never be alone in this château.

I love you, Antoine.

If I unstrap one of your hands, you'll use it to give me pleasure,

won't you?

Unstrap me, Héloïse!

No, no, no, naughty boy! - Alfred!

You're so handsome!

Why are you so mean to your little Héloïse?

You're going to love me.

You will beg to make love to me.

You're so handsome!

Isn't he handsome?

His legs are like oak trees.

Do you love me, Antoine?

Then wait for me.

You have to learn to wait for the woman you love, Antoine.

Have you seen his legs?

Two oaks.

No better place to carve a name.

Not just my initials.

My whole name.

Maybe you thought that I would carve a heart with an arrow?

No, I am going to carve every single letter

H-E-L-O-I-S-E.

Oh, you are going to love me, Antoine!

We'll roll on the floor and we'll be covered with blood-- yours and mine,

because I'll be a virgin.

I won't have to compel you to love me, will I?

Because, you see, maybe Abélard

didn't mutilate himself with his axe so long ago.

Maybe I did it.

MacGregor knows how to make you forget.

Or perhaps he did it?

He wanted to marry me so badly!

Didn't you, MacGregor?

Germaine, how many times did I tell you

not to resuscitate me in such a brutal way?

Sorry, MacGregor. I won't do it again.

It's bad for my heart.

Is she ready?

Yes, I did what you told me to.

Unstrap her.

Oh, no, please don't.

I'm still a virgin.

A virgin, Héloïse.

I have found a virgin!

Come, my dove, my little gazelle,

my angel.

You will be dazzled by 100,000 suns.

And our child will have the genius of all the Draculas on Earth

and the beauty of all the virgins in the world.

You'll spend your whole life bowing down to this child.

I'll exist in his eyes, I'll be his soul!

MacGregor, you're making me dizzy!

Not now, will you? - Stop it, MacGregor!

Why? She loves it, you know.

Madeleine is dead!

How sad! How did it happen?

Abélard stabbed her in the back with his axe.

What a clumsy fellow!

And how do you know that, young man?

I saw the body, I touched it!

Where is it?

In the corridor.

You sure?

Are you sure?

You're looking at somebody

who has created living beings

with tits and bits of dead bodies, some of which were very old,

older than the Earth.

Aren't you exaggerating, dear?

Exaggerating?

Don't you remember Louve de Turville?

You're right. He was very strong.

Strong as an elephant, and practically immortal.

You can get up now.

Maybe, but he was not that attractive.

You can't win 'em all, dear!

Look at the waist of this bird of paradise.

Don't you remember last night?

Touch it!

Touch it! Isn't it stunningly smooth?

No scar.

MacGregor, will the Devil come tonight?

Oh, no.

What difference does it make to you?

You don't believe in the Devil.

If he were here in front of you, you still wouldn't believe in him.

Because when you don't understand something, you just dismiss it!

Maybe I'm the Devil.

What do you know about it?

Oh, yes, MacGregor, play the Devil!

Not tonight, my dear. There's a virgin among us.

She would be frightened.

Oh, no, I wouldn't!

You see how right I am to give up horror?

Even virgins are no longer afraid of the Devil!

Well...

I'm not quite a virgin.

Either you are or you are not!

Take your pick!

I play ingénues, and my agent says all ingénues are virgins.

And your agent thinks ingénues shouldn't believe in the Devil?

What an age we live in!

Fear is decaying.

Yes, dear, it's getting old.

Aren't you afraid of growing old?

Are you afraid of getting old?

I don't know.

She's not afraid of getting old, my dear.

She's in love.

There's no age for that.

And since she is in love, she is pure.

Since she is in love, she is pure?

Is this always true, MacGregor?

It's always true.

Time is immaterial here.

I love you.

And I love you, 100,

my dear old friend.

Please, MacGregor, play the wolf.

And then the werewolf.

And the Devil, please!

I can't play the Devil, Héloïse, not for you.

Being the Devil is a dirty business.

It's not creative. You have no choice.

And when you have no choice, you have no dignity.

You must be mean from dawn to dusk, and forever.

You become a machine.

I used to be a mean machine, but it's all over now.

No one can make demands of me.

I am free.

I have the right to be tender.

I'm going to tell you a secret which you'll keep for yourself.

With you, I'll try to be God.

For you alone.

And that's why you're so beautiful to me.

Thanks to you,

I can create for the first time.

What will you create for me, MacGregor?

I create your smile, the softness of your hands,

the look in your eyes, the warmth of your body.

I invent the curve of your back,

and the thrill in you.

I breathe life into you.

Tenderness.

I love you.

I love you, too,

dear old friend.

Camera!

"The Bunglers", 24, Take One.

Cut!

Shit!

"The Bunglers", 68, Take One.

46, Take One.

Cut.

YOU'RE FIRED

Hurry up, for crissake, there's nothing more to do here.

You morons! Let's pack up.

I'm fed up

with romantic guys.

But I've had my fair share

of old sadists, too.

I need a man-- well, a bunch of men

for the time of a sigh.

Come with me, except the vampires

and Dracula.

What's the matter now?

You are all fired!

Come here and shoot, for crissake!

This way, Tovarich.

What the hell are you doing?

The boss told me to shoot. You better obey him!

What's happening? - He says he no longer gives a damn about horror.

The future of film is in there.

In there?

The future of film?

I can also work with that. - How?

Don't you get it?

Think of all the surfaces I'll have to make-up now!

Fantastic!

Fantastic!

Abélard!

Is that what you call romance?

Oh no, no!

No, no.

We're leaving.

Leaving? - We have to.

Yes.

Abélard, you know what you have to do?

Héloïse.

Abélard.

I know.

And time will stand still?

Yes, Héloïse.

And how will you do that, MacGregor?

It's simple.

If you want

time to stand still, space has to fly away.

And you can do that?

There's nothing I cannot do.

Will you court me?

Of course I will.

And maybe I...

Shh! Don't say it yet.

I'll remake the universe for you.

I'll remake it the way you want it to be.

How will you manage?

I don't know, but for you, I'll find a way.

Only the moon will be left,

all white. The moon, us,

and the trees.

It will be marvelous.

We'll have to sweep everything clean.

Shouldn't we go somewhere else?

We'll stay here. We'll just have to sweep away everything.

To sweep away all that's ugly, all that's noisy.

No noise, except the sound of the wind.

We'll manage.

Listen!

The earth is trembling. It's Abélard, isn't it?

Of course. Come!