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1
00:00:01,752 --> 00:00:04,546
DEXHART ON TV:
And to my wife, I apologize.
2
00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:08,050
All I can say is
I wasn't just having sex,
3
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:11,720
I was making love
to a beautiful woman
4
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,097
and her boyfriend,
5
00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:16,850
and a third person,
whose name I never learned.
6
00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:19,853
Furthermore,
it was wrong of me to say
7
00:00:19,937 --> 00:00:22,439
I was building houses
for the underprivileged,
8
00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:26,985
when I was actually having
four-way sex in a cave in Brazil.
9
00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:29,112
I bet cave sex is insane.
10
00:00:29,196 --> 00:00:30,239
Why?
11
00:00:30,322 --> 00:00:31,841
Because of the echoes
and the humidity.
12
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:32,866
Mmm-hmm.
13
00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:36,078
In my defense,
it was my birthday
14
00:00:36,912 --> 00:00:38,830
and I really wanted to do it.
15
00:00:39,206 --> 00:00:40,707
LESLIE: I think it's
a real shame
16
00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:44,127
when people focus on the
tawdry details of a scandal.
17
00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:48,131
Personally, all I care about is
Councilman Dexhart's policies.
18
00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:52,636
Not whether he was high on nitrous
and cocaine during the cave sex.
19
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:54,555
Which, by the way,
I heard he was.
20
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:59,017
One more shocking revelation in a
story that just won't stop unfolding.
21
00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:00,852
It turns out Councilman Dexhart
22
00:01:00,936 --> 00:01:03,480
may have also had
sex with a prostitute
23
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:08,110
in the limousine on the way to
and from the press conference
24
00:01:08,193 --> 00:01:10,237
where he apologized
for having an affair.
25
00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:11,673
Perd Hapley,
Channel Four Eyewitness News.
26
00:01:11,697 --> 00:01:13,490
Why does anybody
wanna run for public office?
27
00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:16,368
You're just asking to have
your entire life exposed.
28
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:19,997
Well, if you're squeaky clean,
like I am, there's no problem.
29
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,332
Tom, you're married, and
you hit on women constantly.
30
00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:26,587
Yeah, but I've never sealed
the deal. Just window-shopping.
31
00:01:27,379 --> 00:01:29,649
You can fly to Brazil, just
don't enter the cave. Am I right?
32
00:01:29,673 --> 00:01:30,882
Up top!
33
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,717
I'm sure that you think
that you're clean,
34
00:01:55,741 --> 00:01:57,909
but I bet that we could
find something on you.
35
00:01:57,993 --> 00:01:59,453
I changed my name,
which is legal,
36
00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:02,581
and once in high school, a girl
beat me in a wrestling match.
37
00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:03,665
That's it.
38
00:02:03,749 --> 00:02:05,949
I bet anything I could find
worse stuff on all you guys.
39
00:02:06,001 --> 00:02:08,045
Are you suggesting a game?
40
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:09,963
I'm in.
I'm in.
41
00:02:10,047 --> 00:02:11,048
I'm out.
42
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:12,716
TOM: Not an option, Jerry.
43
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:13,884
You're going down.
44
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,677
No, seriously,
I really don't wanna play.
45
00:02:15,761 --> 00:02:18,138
No, no. Seriously, you are
playing. We're gonna nail you.
46
00:02:19,222 --> 00:02:20,349
I will play, too,
47
00:02:20,432 --> 00:02:24,561
if only to prove that I can find
more dirt on you than you can on me.
48
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,313
That's why we're all playing.
49
00:02:27,606 --> 00:02:29,232
Your desk is over there.
50
00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:31,652
I love games that turn
people against each other.
51
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:35,447
You guys will never believe what
I just found on Jerry's Facebook.
52
00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:38,033
A friend. Burn.
53
00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:40,786
Okay, again,
I'd really rather not play.
54
00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:42,537
Hey, guys.
What are you guys doing?
55
00:02:42,621 --> 00:02:44,682
Trying to see who has the
least amount of dirt on them
56
00:02:44,706 --> 00:02:46,291
in case someone
wants to run for office.
57
00:02:46,375 --> 00:02:47,918
Well, it ain't Jerry.
That's for sure.
58
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,044
LESLIE: What?
59
00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:52,089
Well, he's got a couple of
359s on him. Public urination.
60
00:02:52,631 --> 00:02:55,217
I don't like this game.
I just don't like it.
61
00:02:58,220 --> 00:03:00,263
He's probably gonna go
anger-pee in the courtyard.
62
00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:02,683
[BOTH LAUGHING]
63
00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:06,061
Well, you crazy park people,
I'm out of here.
64
00:03:06,978 --> 00:03:08,313
Leslie, I'll see you tomorrow.
65
00:03:08,397 --> 00:03:10,107
Tomorrow, will be our
66
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,192
first official...
First date.
67
00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:13,360
Roger that.
68
00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:14,945
Copy. Over and out.
69
00:03:16,113 --> 00:03:19,366
Dave and I are going
on our first date tomorrow.
70
00:03:19,449 --> 00:03:20,492
I'm not nervous.
71
00:03:20,575 --> 00:03:23,662
Why should I be nervous? We're
just two people going on a first date.
72
00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:25,139
There's nothing to
be nervous about.
73
00:03:25,163 --> 00:03:26,540
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
74
00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:33,714
That was my phone.
75
00:03:35,090 --> 00:03:36,133
Hey.
Hey. Hi there.
76
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,260
What are you...
What are you doing here?
77
00:03:38,343 --> 00:03:40,971
Just having lunch with
Leslie. What are you up to?
78
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:45,600
Oh, I'm looking for scandalous
information about my co-workers,
79
00:03:45,684 --> 00:03:47,269
for a game that we're playing.
80
00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:49,980
My taxes pay your salary, right?
81
00:03:51,148 --> 00:03:52,566
Yeah.
Cool.
82
00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:58,989
And he looked up at me,
83
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:02,784
and he said, "Thank you.
You saved my life."
84
00:04:04,035 --> 00:04:05,579
Yeah. Hey, listen,
I'm really nervous
85
00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:07,164
about this date tomorrow night.
86
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,541
Do you have, like, a first
date outfit I can borrow?
87
00:04:09,624 --> 00:04:12,502
Like, I don't know,
a pair of cargo pants?
88
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,254
Yeah, I wouldn't go
with a cargo pant.
89
00:04:14,337 --> 00:04:15,881
What about, like, a sexy hat?
90
00:04:15,964 --> 00:04:17,424
I don't know what that even is.
91
00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:19,050
Helping already.
92
00:04:19,134 --> 00:04:20,927
Do you wanna just come by
after work today?
93
00:04:21,011 --> 00:04:22,471
Sure. Yeah. Tonight?
94
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,015
Several hours from now?
95
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:27,934
[SIGHS]
96
00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:30,228
Or you could just come over now?
97
00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:31,414
I think that would be better.
98
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,198
Yeah, that would give
us more time. Let's go.
99
00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:39,321
TOM: Oh, what you doing, guys?
100
00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:41,990
Looking for dirt on me?
No point.
101
00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:44,117
Give up now.
102
00:04:44,201 --> 00:04:46,203
Oh, wait, there's this.
103
00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:51,166
Everybody, I bought a
Croissan'wich this morning.
104
00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:54,294
This isn't even a real
receipt. Just a scrap of paper.
105
00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:56,254
Taliban robes!
106
00:04:56,338 --> 00:04:57,422
What?
107
00:04:57,672 --> 00:04:58,952
Where'd you get that photo from?
108
00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:02,552
[CHUCKLING] Hey, Tom.
Nice Taliban robes.
109
00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,095
Those aren't Taliban robes.
110
00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:06,449
That's from Halloween, 10 years
ago. I was dressed like a Jedi.
111
00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:09,601
I'm sure that the voters would
be able to tell the difference.
112
00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:11,937
Mmm, looks to me like
you're in the Taliban.
113
00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:14,940
Well, did everybody know
that Ron's ex-wife, Tammy,
114
00:05:15,023 --> 00:05:17,609
is actually his second
ex-wife named Tammy?
115
00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:23,031
That's right. Ron has two
ex-wives, each named Tammy.
116
00:05:24,574 --> 00:05:26,409
Both of them bitches.
117
00:05:26,868 --> 00:05:29,830
Yes, my mom's name is Tammy.
118
00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:33,875
What's your point?
119
00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:36,419
Tom, that was a Jaeger-secret.
120
00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:39,714
You just breached
a Jaeger-secret.
121
00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:42,551
Damn, this just heated up quick!
122
00:05:44,135 --> 00:05:45,136
Ta-da!
123
00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:46,805
That looks great.
Yeah?
124
00:05:46,888 --> 00:05:49,008
Will you be wearing it out
of the store today, madame?
125
00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:51,560
[IN NASAL VOICE]
I think I will, good lady.
126
00:05:53,937 --> 00:05:55,414
Hey, while I have you,
can I ask you a question?
127
00:05:55,438 --> 00:05:56,481
Shoot.
128
00:05:56,565 --> 00:05:57,667
What if he asks me
if I've been married?
129
00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:59,150
Have you?
No.
130
00:05:59,234 --> 00:06:00,318
Well, then, say that.
131
00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:02,171
But then he'll wonder
why I haven't been married.
132
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:04,215
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna say that I was married.
133
00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:06,283
The real question is,
should I say that I have kids.
134
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:07,760
Guys like girls
that have kids, right?
135
00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:08,785
Whoa!
136
00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:10,930
What if I get drunk and I
talk about Darfur too much?
137
00:06:10,954 --> 00:06:13,074
Or not enough? What if I
don't bring up Darfur enough?
138
00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:14,124
Leslie, relax.
139
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:15,208
Yeah.
140
00:06:15,292 --> 00:06:16,418
Okay?
141
00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:19,337
[SIGHS] I just have a few
more questions for you, Ann.
142
00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:21,047
What if he shows up
with another woman?
143
00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:24,759
What if one of my sleeves catches
on fire and it spreads rapidly?
144
00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:28,096
What if instead of Tic Tacs, I
accidentally pop a couple of Ambien
145
00:06:28,179 --> 00:06:30,099
and I have to keep punching
my leg to stay awake?
146
00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:32,225
Those are all
insane hypotheticals.
147
00:06:32,309 --> 00:06:34,227
And I promise you
they won't happen.
148
00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:37,022
They have happened.
149
00:06:37,647 --> 00:06:39,774
All of these have
happened to me.
150
00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:41,484
No, there's more.
151
00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:44,571
One time, I accidentally
drank an entire bottle of vinegar.
152
00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:45,947
I thought it was terrible wine.
153
00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:47,115
Once I went out with a guy
154
00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:49,492
who wore 3D glasses
the entire evening.
155
00:06:49,784 --> 00:06:52,704
Oh, one time I rode in a
sidecar on a guy's motorcycle,
156
00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:55,540
and the sidecar detached
and went down a flight of stairs.
157
00:06:55,624 --> 00:06:58,877
Another time, I went to a
really boring movie with a guy,
158
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:02,422
and while I was asleep, he
tried to pull out one of my teeth.
159
00:07:02,505 --> 00:07:05,342
I literally woke up
with his hand in my mouth.
160
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,612
We went out a couple times
after that, but then he got weird.
161
00:07:07,636 --> 00:07:11,264
I know it sounds crazy,
I'm a grown woman,
162
00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:13,308
but I am just not
good on first dates.
163
00:07:13,391 --> 00:07:15,727
Oh, okay. Okay.
164
00:07:15,810 --> 00:07:17,538
You have a problem, and
this is how we're gonna fix it.
165
00:07:17,562 --> 00:07:21,024
I know what you're thinking. I wear
an earpiece, you sit at a table nearby,
166
00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:23,169
you speak into a mic, you
tell me what to say on the date.
167
00:07:23,193 --> 00:07:24,962
But let me tell you
something, Ann, it never works.
168
00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:28,531
No, no, no. We are gonna go to a
restaurant and have a practice date.
169
00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:31,159
I will pretend to be Dave,
and you will practice on me.
170
00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:33,161
[EXCLAIMS]
That's a way better idea.
171
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,666
Hey, Dave, it's me.
It's Leslie.
172
00:07:37,749 --> 00:07:39,250
Hi, Leslie. It's
good to see you. Hi!
173
00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:41,252
You don't wanna
do that quite yet.
174
00:07:41,503 --> 00:07:43,505
[SIGHS] So, Dave.
175
00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:45,340
Let's begin our conversation.
176
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,594
What's on the note cards?
177
00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:51,388
They're possible
topics of conversation.
178
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:54,599
"Whales, parades,
electricity."
179
00:07:55,517 --> 00:07:56,643
And the rest are blank.
180
00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:58,526
Yeah, well, I couldn't
think of anything else.
181
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:01,064
Leslie's in worse
shape than I thought.
182
00:08:01,523 --> 00:08:03,525
[LAUGHS]
183
00:08:05,235 --> 00:08:07,445
Is she practice-laughing?
184
00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:10,323
Oh, Dave... You!
185
00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:11,866
[CLEARS THROAT]
186
00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:15,537
The Danish call it
"op og ned apparat,"
187
00:08:15,620 --> 00:08:19,207
which literally translated means
the "up and down machine."
188
00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:22,585
Wow, that's a thorough
history of the teeter-totter.
189
00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:25,171
Now I'm gonna talk about
the local flora and fauna
190
00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:26,256
found in Pawnee.
Okay.
191
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:28,550
What's amazing... You know
what? Just ask me a question.
192
00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:30,010
Just try to get to know me.
193
00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:31,177
Okay.
194
00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:36,224
I can't think of anything to ask
you. I'm sorry. My mind is blank.
195
00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:38,518
Just ask me the first thing
that comes to your head.
196
00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:40,103
How big is it?
197
00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:43,356
Really?
Oh, my God.
198
00:08:44,107 --> 00:08:46,067
Hey, Tommy. Hi.
199
00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:47,193
Hey.
Are you ready?
200
00:08:47,277 --> 00:08:49,696
Yes, I am.
Just give me one second.
201
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:52,991
Hey, Donna.
Let me ask you something.
202
00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:54,325
Do you hate black people?
203
00:08:54,409 --> 00:08:55,493
Excuse me?
204
00:08:55,577 --> 00:08:57,537
'Cause, apparently, in 1988,
205
00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:02,834
you donated money to the
presidential campaign for David Duke.
206
00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:04,002
The KKK guy?
207
00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:06,880
I got a phone call. They
said he would lower taxes.
208
00:09:06,963 --> 00:09:08,256
Boom!
209
00:09:08,339 --> 00:09:09,674
How's it feel to lose so hard?
210
00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:12,761
I'm sorry, honey.
Let's get coffee.
211
00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:15,597
Ree-Ron! You remember
my wife, Wendy Haverford.
212
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:16,681
Of course.
Yeah, hi.
213
00:09:16,765 --> 00:09:18,005
How are things at the hospital?
214
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:22,103
Very good, thank you. I just
got a pediatric surgery fellowship.
215
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,230
Nice.
We're celebrating,
216
00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:27,317
'cause she's super rich
and super hot also.
217
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,360
Okay. Come on,
Tommy. Cut it out.
218
00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:31,905
You're super hot. Everybody
else has to deal with it.
219
00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:34,407
Let's get out of here.
See you later, Ron.
220
00:09:36,159 --> 00:09:39,829
I've established a scientifically
perfect 10-point scale
221
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:41,039
of human beauty.
222
00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:42,957
Wendy is a 7.4,
223
00:09:43,041 --> 00:09:47,420
which is way too high
for Tom, who is a 3.8.
224
00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:50,548
Ten is tennis
legend Steffi Graf.
225
00:09:53,635 --> 00:09:54,803
Hi, Dave.
226
00:09:54,886 --> 00:09:57,972
You're late. And I can see
your nipples through your dress.
227
00:09:58,056 --> 00:09:59,808
What? No. Really?
228
00:10:00,058 --> 00:10:03,019
In nursing school, we took a
psych course on how to treat phobias
229
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:05,563
with a method called
"exposure therapy."
230
00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:07,124
So, like, if you were
afraid of snakes,
231
00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:09,317
they would immerse you
in a tank of snakes.
232
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:13,655
So, I am going to immerse
Leslie in a tank of bad date.
233
00:10:13,905 --> 00:10:15,532
You're 20 minutes late,
I almost left.
234
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:16,658
Okay.
235
00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:18,201
God!
Well, I was
236
00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,286
dropping my niece off.
237
00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:21,412
What's your niece's name?
238
00:10:21,496 --> 00:10:22,497
Torple.
239
00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:24,624
What? I don't know.
240
00:10:24,707 --> 00:10:26,835
That's not a name.
I don't have a niece.
241
00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:27,961
[SIGHS]
242
00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:30,171
My niece's name is
Stephanie. Stop lying.
243
00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:32,841
Hey, look. There's bread.
You want some? Oh, no!
244
00:10:32,924 --> 00:10:36,094
I got flowers in your soup.
I'm so sorry. Come on!
245
00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:40,140
Just... I have to go
to the whiz palace.
246
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:42,809
You know, Dave,
the place where you...
247
00:10:42,892 --> 00:10:44,602
You know, the toilet thing.
248
00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:51,359
It's a bathroom!
It's called a bathroom!
249
00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:55,780
Hey, Mark.
250
00:10:56,906 --> 00:11:01,661
A little birdie told me that you
have one unpaid parking ticket.
251
00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:03,744
Well, that's funny,
because a little birdie told me
252
00:11:03,788 --> 00:11:06,708
that your adoptive mother was
arrested for marijuana possession.
253
00:11:06,791 --> 00:11:08,376
DONNA: [LAUGHS] Oh, snap!
254
00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:09,460
What?
255
00:11:09,544 --> 00:11:11,588
MARK: You didn't
know that, huh?
256
00:11:13,756 --> 00:11:15,508
I didn't know I was adopted.
257
00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:21,431
Oh, no. Oh, Jerry.
Oh, Jerry. I'm so sorry.
258
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:22,640
I really didn't wanna play.
259
00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:23,933
You...
260
00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:27,353
That was not my intention.
261
00:11:27,437 --> 00:11:28,789
It's not your fault.
He totally baited you
262
00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:31,232
with that unpaid parking ticket.
263
00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:33,818
RON: Tom, could you
come into my office?
264
00:11:35,069 --> 00:11:36,571
Tom-ato sauce.
265
00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:38,698
Ron-tonamo Bay.
266
00:11:38,781 --> 00:11:42,911
Do be seated and
congratulate me.
267
00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:44,579
For what?
268
00:11:44,662 --> 00:11:45,997
Winning the game.
269
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:49,125
I just found out, through some
pretty impressive investigating,
270
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:53,254
that your wedding was a sham.
It's a green card marriage.
271
00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:56,674
That's crazy. I was born in South
Carolina. These colors don't run, baby.
272
00:11:56,758 --> 00:12:00,011
Yes, but Wendy
was born in Ottawa, Canada.
273
00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:04,015
Her visa was set to expire
the day after you got married
274
00:12:04,098 --> 00:12:08,269
at the county courthouse in front
of three strangers and no family.
275
00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:11,689
Okay. We met in college.
276
00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:14,400
She wanted to work in the
States, she couldn't get a permit...
277
00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:15,944
[EXCLAIMS]
278
00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:18,780
I knew it. I knew you couldn't
get a wife as hot as her.
279
00:12:18,863 --> 00:12:21,491
Seriously, Ron. Games aside,
you gotta keep this between us.
280
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:22,654
Don't tell anybody, please.
281
00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:25,036
Now, come on. Don't worry.
I'm not gonna turn you in.
282
00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:27,705
Just admit that when it
comes to digging up dirt,
283
00:12:27,789 --> 00:12:30,959
I bested you in this game.
Say it. Say, "I bested you."
284
00:12:31,042 --> 00:12:33,461
Fine. You bested me.
Is that all?
285
00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:36,965
No. I'll have
your wife tonight.
286
00:12:37,298 --> 00:12:38,383
What?
287
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:41,594
I'm just kidding.
Get out of here.
288
00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:45,390
Why would you say that, Dave?
That dog was, like, my best friend.
289
00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:46,700
And when she died,
it was one of...
290
00:12:46,724 --> 00:12:48,309
Bring, bring, bring,
bring, bring.
291
00:12:48,393 --> 00:12:49,519
Hey, Tiffany.
292
00:12:50,019 --> 00:12:51,938
Yeah, I definitely
wanna see you tonight.
293
00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:54,342
No, I can't really
talk right now,
294
00:12:54,399 --> 00:12:56,067
'cause I'm on
a date with this drip.
295
00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:57,986
Yeah, I can ask.
296
00:12:58,069 --> 00:13:00,947
Hey, do you wanna watch a
porno after this with me and my wife?
297
00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:03,866
No, Dave.
'Cause you're disgusting.
298
00:13:05,868 --> 00:13:06,953
So, it's definitely a no?
299
00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:09,122
I don't understand why
you're being so terrible.
300
00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:10,808
We're just two people
trying to go on a date.
301
00:13:10,832 --> 00:13:12,101
It's supposed to be fun.
It's just a date.
302
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:14,919
You're right, it is.
Well done.
303
00:13:15,503 --> 00:13:17,046
Sorry I had to get
all medical on you.
304
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:20,633
But now you see that even if
everything goes wrong, you'll survive.
305
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:23,511
Well, well, well.
306
00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:26,848
You coy bastard.
307
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:30,768
Mark.
308
00:13:31,853 --> 00:13:33,813
Tom.
You hate Ron, right?
309
00:13:34,439 --> 00:13:35,857
No. I think Ron is fine.
310
00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:37,358
So, we're on the same page.
311
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,169
You gotta help me
take this guy down.
312
00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:40,695
There's gotta be
something on him.
313
00:13:40,778 --> 00:13:43,406
Tom, I'm starting to feel
kind of gross about this game.
314
00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:45,074
It's not about the game anymore.
315
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:47,428
Ron has some serious dirt on
me. I need to balance things out.
316
00:13:47,452 --> 00:13:49,930
You must know how that feels,
you got tons of dirt in your past.
317
00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:51,331
Please, you gotta help me.
318
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,753
There is a man
named Duke Silver.
319
00:13:57,503 --> 00:14:00,131
He hangs out at
a bar in Eagleton.
320
00:14:00,214 --> 00:14:03,718
He's an old friend of Ron's,
maybe you should ask him.
321
00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:06,387
Thanks, man. I'm gonna dig
up so much dirt on this guy,
322
00:14:06,471 --> 00:14:09,307
there's gonna be worms
all over the place.
323
00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:12,935
It sounded snappier
in my head. Yeah.
324
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:15,271
LESLIE: Ann is so awesome.
325
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:16,522
I'm lucky to have a friend
326
00:14:16,606 --> 00:14:19,817
who would spend a whole day
being so mean to me.
327
00:14:20,902 --> 00:14:22,070
Catch.
328
00:14:22,153 --> 00:14:24,214
I don't need your dress anymore,
I'm gonna wear my own stuff.
329
00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:25,239
Me-power.
330
00:14:25,323 --> 00:14:28,201
Good. You're officially
first date-proof.
331
00:14:28,326 --> 00:14:29,952
Thank you, Dave.
332
00:14:30,495 --> 00:14:33,831
Listen, it is impossible
that he's not gonna like you.
333
00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:35,755
He's gonna freak out
about how awesome you are.
334
00:14:35,833 --> 00:14:36,918
No, he's not.
335
00:14:37,001 --> 00:14:38,669
Yes, he is.
He's gonna love you.
336
00:14:38,753 --> 00:14:41,923
You're cool and you're sexy and
you're funny and you're smart...
337
00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:43,383
Yeah.
Look, any guy would be lucky
338
00:14:43,466 --> 00:14:44,842
to date you.
Yeah.
339
00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:46,677
Yeah. Hell, yeah.
Yeah. Hells, yeah!
340
00:14:46,761 --> 00:14:47,762
Yeah.
I am awesome.
341
00:14:47,845 --> 00:14:49,389
You are awesome.
342
00:14:49,472 --> 00:14:50,932
Yeah, and you are, too.
343
00:14:51,015 --> 00:14:52,475
Thank you.
You are, too.
344
00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:53,976
Thank you.
You are, too, Ann.
345
00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,478
Okay. You're awesome.
346
00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:56,604
You're awesome.
347
00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:02,944
Help, police! Help! Help!
348
00:15:05,446 --> 00:15:06,614
Hey.
349
00:15:06,697 --> 00:15:10,284
Look, I know today is today,
and it's not tomorrow,
350
00:15:10,368 --> 00:15:13,496
but I felt like you should
know that I'm awesome,
351
00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:15,123
and you're lucky to have me.
352
00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:17,917
And I think our first date
tomorrow is gonna go awesome,
353
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,211
off-the-charts amazing.
Up top.
354
00:15:22,547 --> 00:15:24,507
All right, let's do this, bitch!
355
00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:27,885
I'm not scared. Can I come
and sit down for a little bit?
356
00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:29,971
'Cause I walked here,
'cause... The drinking.
357
00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:31,097
I don't know...
358
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:34,600
I do know. I'm coming inside.
So, move, okay?
359
00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:37,103
You make a better
door than a guy.
360
00:15:39,230 --> 00:15:40,273
TOM: Hey.
361
00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:44,026
This is gonna sound weird. I'm
looking for a guy named Duke Silver.
362
00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:45,736
Yeah, he goes on in a second.
363
00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:49,699
Ladies, ladies, ladies,
it's just about that time.
364
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:52,702
It's with the jazziest pleasure
that I bring out for you,
365
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:55,580
my man, Mr. Duke Silver!
366
00:15:55,830 --> 00:15:57,165
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
367
00:16:01,002 --> 00:16:02,253
RON: Thank you, Dwayne.
368
00:16:02,336 --> 00:16:05,756
As always, it is a thrill to be
here, during this witching hour
369
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:07,592
with you lovely ladies.
370
00:16:07,675 --> 00:16:10,261
Now, relax,
and let the Duke Silver Trio
371
00:16:10,344 --> 00:16:12,972
take you on a little
journey to yourself.
372
00:16:13,431 --> 00:16:15,224
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
373
00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:32,867
Ann was helping me because I
was panicking about tomorrow.
374
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,596
Well, did I say something
to make you worry about...
375
00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:37,205
No, no.
376
00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:41,125
Just the whole idea of first
dates just kind of freak me out.
377
00:16:41,209 --> 00:16:42,960
But not anymore.
378
00:16:43,044 --> 00:16:46,339
I can't even believe that I was
scared to go on a date with you.
379
00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:48,925
I mean, you should
be scared of me.
380
00:16:49,050 --> 00:16:50,051
Okay.
381
00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:52,220
I think I need to
return this sweater.
382
00:16:52,303 --> 00:16:55,264
I think it fused with my shirt
in the dryer or something.
383
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:57,642
Okay, I think that's
a sweater-shirt combo.
384
00:17:00,228 --> 00:17:03,272
I think it's going
pretty well with Dave.
385
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:06,150
He wants me. I can
totally tell that he wants me.
386
00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:09,070
I'm right here.
You know I'm here, right?
387
00:17:10,655 --> 00:17:14,033
Did you see my bra?
Mmm? Bee, boop.
388
00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:16,303
Guess what? I'm wearing the
hot one tomorrow, the black one.
389
00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:18,204
Okay.
Can I use your bathroom?
390
00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:19,372
Yes.
Are you impressed
391
00:17:19,455 --> 00:17:20,557
that I know what it's called?
392
00:17:20,581 --> 00:17:21,975
Look, maybe I ought to
give you a lift home.
393
00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:25,169
Good. Well, in London,
they call elevators "lifts."
394
00:17:25,253 --> 00:17:26,396
So, you're gonna give
me an elevator home?
395
00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:27,964
No, thank you.
Okay. Let's... Let's go.
396
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:29,441
Okay? [IN BRITISH
ACCENT] Okay. Let's go...
397
00:17:29,465 --> 00:17:31,175
Okay.
...down to the pub...
398
00:17:31,259 --> 00:17:32,819
That's right. To the pub.
...get a pint.
399
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:33,925
Yes.
We'll put our knickers
400
00:17:33,970 --> 00:17:35,572
in The Beatles records.
Okay, yeah. That's...
401
00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:36,931
This is an English accent.
402
00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:39,809
MAN ON TV: What I cannot
believe is Dexhart's wife.
403
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:41,686
I mean,
how clueless can you get?
404
00:17:41,769 --> 00:17:44,605
How did she not know
this was going on?
405
00:17:44,689 --> 00:17:48,442
More importantly, how does
she stay with him after all this?
406
00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:49,962
I think Dexhart's credibility...
407
00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:54,198
Hey. Can I help you
at 11:48 p.m.?
408
00:17:54,282 --> 00:17:57,451
Okay, here's the whole thing.
Here are all my skeletons.
409
00:17:57,535 --> 00:18:00,288
When I was 16, I had
sex with a married woman.
410
00:18:00,371 --> 00:18:02,039
Right.
When I was in college,
411
00:18:02,123 --> 00:18:03,791
I smoked a decent amount of pot.
412
00:18:03,874 --> 00:18:05,561
Uh-huh. Nothing insane.
When I tell you what...
413
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:06,752
What the hell are you doing?
414
00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:09,672
What I'm doing is, I'm trying to
tell you that I've done some stuff
415
00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:12,049
that I'm not very proud of.
But I like you.
416
00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:13,860
So, I would rather you
not find out about this
417
00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:15,886
from anyone but me.
418
00:18:15,970 --> 00:18:17,305
This was a bad idea.
419
00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:20,266
No, no. It's fine.
420
00:18:20,808 --> 00:18:23,519
I get what this is,
and why you did it.
421
00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:27,916
Is there anything that you
would like to share from your past,
422
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,483
to sort of balance the scales?
423
00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:30,568
Yeah.
424
00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:32,737
One time this guy rang
my doorbell at midnight,
425
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:35,364
to brag about getting laid
when he was 16, so I shot him.
426
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:36,824
Good night.
427
00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:41,954
RON: It's been a real gift
making sonic love to you tonight.
428
00:18:42,038 --> 00:18:45,207
If you want more of the Duke,
both my albums are for sale here,
429
00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:48,377
Smooth As Silver
and Hi Ho, Duke.
430
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:52,506
And look for my new CD next
month, The Memories of Now.
431
00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:56,969
So, come see me, come
talk to me, come love with me,
432
00:18:57,053 --> 00:18:59,680
and maybe we can
walk through fire together.
433
00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:01,182
Thank you. Good night.
434
00:19:02,433 --> 00:19:03,934
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
435
00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:09,690
Duke! Huge fan.
436
00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:18,282
Look, Tom. I imagine you'll
wanna tell everyone about this,
437
00:19:18,366 --> 00:19:21,369
but I have worked pretty hard
to cultivate a certain authoritative,
438
00:19:21,452 --> 00:19:22,846
or intimidating image
around the office...
439
00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:24,330
Can I... Can I get
a picture?
440
00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:25,539
Sure.
441
00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:27,166
Say, "I bested you!"
442
00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:28,709
I bested you.
443
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:31,897
All right. Thanks for loving the
Duke. Thank you. Thank you.
444
00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:33,923
That...
That was a lovely photo.
445
00:19:34,799 --> 00:19:35,966
Truce?
446
00:19:36,050 --> 00:19:37,218
Truce.
447
00:19:38,552 --> 00:19:39,637
TOM: You're kidding me.
448
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:41,013
No. I'm not.
449
00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:42,473
You showed up at the guy's house
450
00:19:42,556 --> 00:19:45,059
in the middle
of the night, drunk,
451
00:19:45,142 --> 00:19:46,453
and you didn't
even sleep with him?
452
00:19:46,477 --> 00:19:47,478
Should I have?
453
00:19:47,812 --> 00:19:48,854
It never hurts.
454
00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:49,980
God.
455
00:19:50,064 --> 00:19:51,065
[DOOR OPENING]
456
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:52,942
Hey.
457
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:54,026
Hey.
458
00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:55,236
Hey!
459
00:19:56,487 --> 00:20:00,032
[CLEARS THROAT] You left quite
a bit of stuff at my place last night.
460
00:20:00,116 --> 00:20:02,993
Purse, and earrings, and a shoe.
461
00:20:03,244 --> 00:20:04,888
LESLIE: I am so sorry for
what happened last night.
462
00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:07,623
On my list of embarrassing
things that I've done in my life,
463
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:10,418
that was numbers
one through seven.
464
00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:12,727
I totally understand
if you wanna cancel.
465
00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:13,754
It's okay.
466
00:20:13,838 --> 00:20:16,132
You can make it up to me
tonight on our second date.
467
00:20:17,091 --> 00:20:18,175
Second?
468
00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:19,778
Well, yeah. Last
night was our first date.
469
00:20:19,802 --> 00:20:21,512
So, that would make
tonight our second.
470
00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:23,931
I'm looking forward to it.
8:00?
471
00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:26,267
8:00.
472
00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:28,144
You like dancing?
473
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,395
Yeah!
474
00:20:29,478 --> 00:20:30,664
I don't... I'm a...
I don't like dancing.
475
00:20:30,688 --> 00:20:32,022
Then we don't have to go.
Okay.
476
00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:35,651
Well, we went on our first
date, and I didn't even know it.
477
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:37,486
A.K.A., I nailed it.
478
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:40,740
No fires, no ambulances,
479
00:20:40,823 --> 00:20:42,533
just good old-fashioned
showing up drunk
480
00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:44,744
at a guy's house late at night.
481
00:20:46,537 --> 00:20:48,748
However, I wanna be clear,
482
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:52,042
I have no plans to resign.
483
00:20:52,877 --> 00:20:54,312
Is it weird that
my feelings are hurt
484
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,630
that no one's found
any dirt on me yet?
485
00:20:58,215 --> 00:21:02,553
Hello! I drove a riding lawn
mower through a Nordstrom!
486
00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:06,974
There's video that I took!
It's on the Internet.
487
00:21:10,227 --> 00:21:11,395
Nothing.
488
00:21:12,188 --> 00:21:14,315
Jerry. Plastic surgery?
489
00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:19,487
I got hit by a fire engine.
490
00:21:20,571 --> 00:21:21,989
You are so lucky.
491
00:21:22,072 --> 00:21:23,240
How?
35217
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