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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,220 ( music playing ) 2 00:00:30,020 --> 00:00:32,150 ANNOUNCER: Starring tonight, Patty Duke, 3 00:00:32,150 --> 00:00:34,070 Carl Reiner, 4 00:00:34,070 --> 00:00:35,230 Virginia Mayo, 5 00:00:35,230 --> 00:00:37,150 John Carradine, 6 00:00:37,150 --> 00:00:39,070 David Wayne, 7 00:00:39,070 --> 00:00:40,140 and Cesar Romero, 8 00:00:42,230 --> 00:00:45,210 ( music playing ) 9 00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:54,150 Good evening, 10 00:00:54,150 --> 00:00:56,160 A most cordial welcome 11 00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:59,080 to a display of canvasses from which you might call 12 00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:02,090 the Mausoleum School of Art, 13 00:01:02,090 --> 00:01:04,200 subject, a common enough item 14 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:08,070 utilized by teenagers and tycoons, 15 00:01:08,070 --> 00:01:10,150 The daily journal in which we notate the happenings 16 00:01:10,150 --> 00:01:12,210 of our day to day existence, 17 00:01:12,210 --> 00:01:15,120 but in this instance, a unique periodical 18 00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:17,110 that doesn't record what was, 19 00:01:17,110 --> 00:01:19,180 but rather predicts what will be, 20 00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:22,030 It's title, "The Diary", 21 00:01:22,030 --> 00:01:23,230 It's our initial offering 22 00:01:23,230 --> 00:01:26,030 in the Night Gallery, 23 00:01:26,030 --> 00:01:29,010 ( music playing ) 24 00:01:40,110 --> 00:01:42,030 WOMAN ( on TV ): And on this New Year's Eve, 25 00:01:42,030 --> 00:01:43,220 we come to our last item, 26 00:01:43,220 --> 00:01:45,170 the Holly Schaeffer portfolio 27 00:01:45,170 --> 00:01:48,120 of particularly unpalatable people, 28 00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:51,040 Tonight's subject, Miss Carrie Crane, 29 00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:53,160 movie star emeritus, 30 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:55,040 If you're over the age of 50, 31 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:57,120 the name may tug at your memory, 32 00:01:57,120 --> 00:02:00,150 I was never a fan of Miss Crane's thespic talent, 33 00:02:00,150 --> 00:02:02,040 or lack thereof 34 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:03,230 and I am currently less than a fan 35 00:02:03,230 --> 00:02:06,060 of her nocturnal antics, 36 00:02:06,060 --> 00:02:08,170 Said antics of this somewhat faded 37 00:02:08,170 --> 00:02:10,230 and jaded relic of Max Sennett 38 00:02:10,230 --> 00:02:13,010 having to do with being picked up last night 39 00:02:13,010 --> 00:02:14,220 for drunk and disorderly conduct 40 00:02:14,220 --> 00:02:16,200 on the Sunset Strip, 41 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:19,000 This is a picture of the event, 42 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,120 This was her third adventure in his many weeks, 43 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:23,230 Take a look at the calendar, Carrie, darling, 44 00:02:23,230 --> 00:02:26,140 it's December of 1970, 45 00:02:26,140 --> 00:02:28,210 Prohibition has passed us by, 46 00:02:28,210 --> 00:02:31,060 Hollywood is the Fondas and the Hondas, 47 00:02:31,060 --> 00:02:33,140 It's no longer Fairbanks and Pickford 48 00:02:33,140 --> 00:02:36,200 and lesser lights, like Miss Carrie Crane, 49 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:38,140 so stop acting, Miss Crane, 50 00:02:38,140 --> 00:02:41,180 as if you were a pushy ingenue on the way up 51 00:02:41,180 --> 00:02:45,020 because you aren't and you're not, 52 00:02:45,020 --> 00:02:48,080 You're an aging broad who makes spectacle of herself, 53 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:51,130 like the Wicked Witch of the West in hot pants, 54 00:02:51,130 --> 00:02:53,170 Elsewhere on this New Year's Eve,,, 55 00:02:53,170 --> 00:02:55,030 Miss Crane, 56 00:02:55,030 --> 00:02:56,200 I'd recognize you anywhere, 57 00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:58,220 Miss Schaeffer's apartment, please, 58 00:03:01,190 --> 00:03:03,140 She's having a party and I can't let anyone up 59 00:03:03,140 --> 00:03:04,190 without her permission, 60 00:03:04,190 --> 00:03:07,080 Uh, maybe, uh,,, 61 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:09,230 Maybe one exception, for old time's sake? 62 00:03:09,230 --> 00:03:12,040 I just wanna wish her a happy new year, 63 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:15,040 Oh, I'd-- I'd like to accommodate you, Miss Crane, 64 00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:17,160 - but,,, - Please, it's important to me, 65 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:19,110 I'll just stay a moment, 66 00:03:19,110 --> 00:03:22,110 ( music playing ) 67 00:03:22,110 --> 00:03:25,070 ( indistinct chatter ) 68 00:03:25,070 --> 00:03:27,180 ( off-key trombone notes blaring ) 69 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:39,220 ( all conversation stops, music still playing ) 70 00:03:44,060 --> 00:03:47,060 Well, look who's here, 71 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,220 Fresh from a triumphant engagement 72 00:03:48,220 --> 00:03:51,110 with the West Hollywood drunk tank, 73 00:03:51,110 --> 00:03:54,080 Holly, can't we adjourn this to another room? 74 00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:56,030 And deny our guests of a scene 75 00:03:56,030 --> 00:03:58,230 of such potentially heart-rending melodrama? 76 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:03,050 Over here, all right, Miss Crane? 77 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,150 HOLLY: A superb business manager, my Jeb, 78 00:04:07,150 --> 00:04:09,210 but a lousy showman, 79 00:04:13,150 --> 00:04:16,070 If you two girls will excuse me, 80 00:04:16,070 --> 00:04:18,080 In case there's any bloodletting, 81 00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:20,080 I'd just as soon have a witness, 82 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:21,210 Now, my darling, 83 00:04:21,210 --> 00:04:24,040 if it's not too presumptuous of me to ask, 84 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,080 how did you get up here uninvited? 85 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:28,170 The guard downstairs was very kind, 86 00:04:28,170 --> 00:04:29,190 He remembered me, 87 00:04:29,190 --> 00:04:31,180 Oh, how nice, 88 00:04:31,180 --> 00:04:33,160 Well, he's going to have an even better reason 89 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:35,070 to remember you after this, 90 00:04:35,070 --> 00:04:38,110 every Friday at the unemployment office, 91 00:04:38,110 --> 00:04:40,080 Now, about that package you're clutching, 92 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:42,120 don't tell me, let me guess, 93 00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:44,080 It's a pearl-handled revolver 94 00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:46,000 all primed and loaded, 95 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:49,010 Nothing quite so lethal, I regret to say, 96 00:04:49,010 --> 00:04:51,000 HOLLY: Then a peace offering perhaps 97 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,180 or a bribe? 98 00:04:52,180 --> 00:04:54,230 A little something intended to lever my foot 99 00:04:54,230 --> 00:04:56,070 from the back of your neck? 100 00:04:56,070 --> 00:04:58,080 How very much like you, Holly, 101 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:00,180 to look for motives in dark places, 102 00:05:00,180 --> 00:05:03,160 You give the worst, so that's what you expect from everyone, 103 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:05,220 Now comes the plaint of lament 104 00:05:05,220 --> 00:05:07,160 about her lost man, 105 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:09,000 the one I stole, 106 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,210 And what would you call it? 107 00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:12,040 HOLLY: Incredible, 108 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:14,100 To be on Earth as long as you have 109 00:05:14,100 --> 00:05:16,130 and not to know that a man isn't stolen, 110 00:05:16,130 --> 00:05:17,200 He's relinquished, 111 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:20,070 As for the towheaded bronco rider 112 00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:21,210 who occasionally squired you about, 113 00:05:21,210 --> 00:05:23,040 you're right, 114 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:27,010 He did sort of gravitate my way, 115 00:05:27,010 --> 00:05:29,090 But then, that is the way of the world, isn't it? 116 00:05:29,090 --> 00:05:31,080 The rich get richer, 117 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:33,080 and the old broads get older, 118 00:05:34,210 --> 00:05:37,070 And after him, 119 00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:39,160 the heir apparent, 120 00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:41,030 Tell me, Mr, Harlan, 121 00:05:41,030 --> 00:05:43,130 is your ex-wife as philosophical 122 00:05:43,130 --> 00:05:45,110 as I'm supposed to be? 123 00:05:47,110 --> 00:05:50,030 No, As a matter of fact, she's not, 124 00:05:52,140 --> 00:05:55,140 If either of you need a tourniquet, 125 00:05:55,140 --> 00:05:57,080 I'll be outside, 126 00:06:01,100 --> 00:06:03,100 Well, 127 00:06:03,100 --> 00:06:05,040 in a life already notorious 128 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:06,210 for spectacular booboos, 129 00:06:06,210 --> 00:06:09,110 you've hit an all-time high, 130 00:06:09,110 --> 00:06:12,100 If you thought tonight's telecast was something, 131 00:06:12,100 --> 00:06:14,140 catch me tomorrow, 132 00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:17,100 Well, before you heave me out on my ear, Holly, 133 00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:18,210 aren't you the least bit curious 134 00:06:18,210 --> 00:06:20,100 to know what's in this package? 135 00:06:21,220 --> 00:06:24,030 It's a diary, Holly, 136 00:06:24,030 --> 00:06:26,110 I bought it in an obscure little shop, 137 00:06:26,110 --> 00:06:29,020 They sell funny little things, 138 00:06:29,020 --> 00:06:32,010 Curios, potions, talismans, 139 00:06:32,010 --> 00:06:35,180 all sorts of peculiar little items, 140 00:06:35,180 --> 00:06:38,060 I paid an enormous sum of money for it, 141 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:44,040 Words cannot adequately describe 142 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:46,030 my profound,,, 143 00:06:46,030 --> 00:06:48,020 emotions, 144 00:06:48,020 --> 00:06:50,110 Good night, grandmother, 145 00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:53,090 ( "Auld Lang Syne" playing ) 146 00:06:56,150 --> 00:06:59,130 ( indistinct chatter ) 147 00:07:29,010 --> 00:07:30,120 "New Year's Day, 148 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:32,200 "a bummer all the way around, 149 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,230 "Can't shake that miserable disquiet 150 00:07:34,230 --> 00:07:36,150 "over Crane's suicide,,, 151 00:07:39,190 --> 00:07:42,230 "and how typically hambone to do it on New Year's Eve, 152 00:07:42,230 --> 00:07:46,080 "Can't make it in life, so do it in death, 153 00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:48,070 "But even so, an ugly little preface 154 00:07:48,070 --> 00:07:50,000 to what I hope is a better new year," 155 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:52,190 It's my handwriting, but I didn't write it, 156 00:07:54,030 --> 00:07:55,230 ( screams ) 157 00:07:55,230 --> 00:07:58,050 ( alarmed shouts, murmurs ) 158 00:08:07,210 --> 00:08:10,050 ( whistle blows ) 159 00:08:12,170 --> 00:08:15,150 ( music playing ) 160 00:08:40,210 --> 00:08:42,200 HOLLY: Jeb, 161 00:08:49,060 --> 00:08:51,200 Hey, go back to sleep, 162 00:08:55,210 --> 00:08:57,220 Only the milkmen are up and about, 163 00:08:57,220 --> 00:09:01,050 I can't, I couldn't, 164 00:09:01,050 --> 00:09:02,220 What about you? Did you sleep at all? 165 00:09:02,220 --> 00:09:06,120 Oh, in spurts, It wasn't easy, 166 00:09:08,050 --> 00:09:10,060 Well, it's morning, 167 00:09:10,060 --> 00:09:11,230 a new day, 168 00:09:11,230 --> 00:09:14,140 Explain it to me, 169 00:09:14,140 --> 00:09:16,010 Explain what? 170 00:09:16,010 --> 00:09:18,030 What you couldn't explain last night, 171 00:09:18,030 --> 00:09:21,100 I have never written in this diary, 172 00:09:21,100 --> 00:09:22,200 and Carrie Crane had no sooner left 173 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:24,190 when the first page was filled in, 174 00:09:24,190 --> 00:09:27,040 And then minutes later, she walks in front of a car, 175 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:29,080 Holly, 176 00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:31,000 No honey, I don't-- I don't wanna be held 177 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:32,100 and I don't wanna be humored, 178 00:09:32,100 --> 00:09:33,130 I want answers, 179 00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:38,080 Please don't look at me as if you can't decide 180 00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:39,200 whether to flag the next elevator 181 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:41,230 or book me a reservation in a rubber room, 182 00:09:41,230 --> 00:09:43,220 A simple answer 183 00:09:43,220 --> 00:09:46,190 to an impossible question, 184 00:09:46,190 --> 00:09:48,210 how did an entry in my handwriting 185 00:09:48,210 --> 00:09:50,030 appear in this diary 186 00:09:50,030 --> 00:09:52,000 describing a suicide 187 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,180 before it even happened? 188 00:09:55,170 --> 00:09:58,060 She planted it in your mind, darling, 189 00:10:00,010 --> 00:10:01,160 Something she said, 190 00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:03,050 the way she acted, 191 00:10:03,050 --> 00:10:04,070 that's why you wrote it, 192 00:10:04,070 --> 00:10:05,180 I didn't write it, 193 00:10:05,180 --> 00:10:07,230 I tell you, I never touched that thing, 194 00:10:07,230 --> 00:10:10,140 Holly, what other explanation is there? 195 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,170 I guess you're right, 196 00:10:16,170 --> 00:10:19,200 There's my girl, 197 00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,000 We'll just leave it at that 198 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,100 and forget it, agreed? 199 00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:28,140 I'm gonna go put on some coffee, 200 00:10:28,140 --> 00:10:29,230 If your head is half as big as mine is, 201 00:10:29,230 --> 00:10:32,040 we're both red-blanket cases, 202 00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:34,020 I never did like that broad anyway, 203 00:10:34,020 --> 00:10:36,140 She was a vindictive lush, 204 00:10:36,140 --> 00:10:38,190 You know what she called me? 205 00:10:38,190 --> 00:10:41,040 A direct quote, my dear, 206 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:43,150 She said I was a malignant cross breed 207 00:10:43,150 --> 00:10:45,190 between a vulture and a hotel dick, 208 00:10:47,090 --> 00:10:49,160 Well, she's dead anyway, so who cares? 209 00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:52,120 Holly, 210 00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:55,000 Yeah? 211 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,200 You said only the first page was filled in, right? 212 00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:00,130 HOLLY: That's right, 213 00:11:00,130 --> 00:11:02,220 Well, the second page is filled in too, 214 00:11:12,050 --> 00:11:14,010 "January 2nd, 215 00:11:14,010 --> 00:11:16,000 Didn't work last night, 216 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,060 "should've gone to the desert or up to Arrowhead, 217 00:11:18,060 --> 00:11:20,110 "but no sun in one and no snow in the other, 218 00:11:20,110 --> 00:11:22,110 "so just stayed home, 219 00:11:22,110 --> 00:11:25,060 To top everything off, the phone was out of order," 220 00:11:27,010 --> 00:11:29,020 I didn't write that either, 221 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,100 ( music playing ) 222 00:11:41,180 --> 00:11:43,080 Oh, I'll help you with those, Miss Schaeffer? 223 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:45,030 You just sit where you are, Georgie Porgie, 224 00:11:45,030 --> 00:11:46,140 The last time you got into the act, 225 00:11:46,140 --> 00:11:48,140 I wasn't too crazy about the results, 226 00:11:48,140 --> 00:11:50,160 Well, I wanted to apologize about Miss Crane the night 227 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:52,220 before last, but she said she had this present for you, 228 00:11:52,220 --> 00:11:54,180 - HOLLY: Yeah, - A terrible thing, 229 00:11:54,180 --> 00:11:56,040 Terrible, 230 00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:59,200 She was a real beauty in her time, 231 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:01,050 Well, that day has long 232 00:12:01,050 --> 00:12:03,150 fled the premises, Georgie, 233 00:12:03,150 --> 00:12:05,000 so you just remember that the next time 234 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:06,080 you feel your heart melting 235 00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:08,140 over some antique has-been, hmm? 236 00:12:08,140 --> 00:12:11,150 I don't care if they wheel in a gift-wrapped Rolls-Royce, 237 00:12:11,150 --> 00:12:14,010 You keep them out of my digs, 238 00:12:14,010 --> 00:12:16,050 You read me, Georgie? 239 00:12:18,170 --> 00:12:20,120 Yes, ma'am, 240 00:12:25,230 --> 00:12:27,110 Oh, Miss Schaeffer, 241 00:12:27,110 --> 00:12:29,140 I thought you was at the television studio, 242 00:12:29,140 --> 00:12:31,120 Say again? 243 00:12:33,010 --> 00:12:34,160 I figured you'd be at the studio by now 244 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:36,170 getting ready to tape your show, 245 00:12:36,170 --> 00:12:37,200 Oh, there's plenty of time yet, 246 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:40,100 I've got at least an hour, 247 00:12:43,140 --> 00:12:45,030 I want this thing burned, 248 00:12:47,130 --> 00:12:49,040 Did you say burn? 249 00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:51,040 Burned, 250 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:54,160 incinerated, cremated, 251 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:56,120 And finish up later, will you? 252 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:58,120 WOMAN: How much later, Miss Schaeffer? 253 00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,230 I was hoping to get home a little early tonight, 254 00:13:00,230 --> 00:13:02,100 All right, then, 255 00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:04,080 Just leave it and do it tomorrow, 256 00:13:06,130 --> 00:13:09,000 ( gasps ) 257 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,200 Miss Schaeffer, are you all right? 258 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:14,030 I busted it, 259 00:13:14,030 --> 00:13:17,020 I busted the telephone, 260 00:13:22,110 --> 00:13:25,010 HOLLY: Well, you've listened to my bizarre little tale, 261 00:13:25,010 --> 00:13:27,140 What's your professional assessment, Doctor? 262 00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,170 Do I have the necessary requirements 263 00:13:29,170 --> 00:13:31,220 for a tour of duty on that couch over there? 264 00:13:33,170 --> 00:13:36,060 You make it sound like a punishment, Miss Schaeffer, 265 00:13:36,060 --> 00:13:39,010 HOLLY: Well, coming here wasn't my idea, it was Jeb's, 266 00:13:39,010 --> 00:13:41,080 Mr, Harlan's, 267 00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:42,180 Soft, gentle, 268 00:13:42,180 --> 00:13:45,090 friendly persuasion, 269 00:13:45,090 --> 00:13:47,060 Go get your head examined, lover, 270 00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:52,170 You say there have been two notations 271 00:13:52,170 --> 00:13:54,200 predicting future events 272 00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:57,070 and all these events came to pass? 273 00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:59,060 A suicide, 274 00:13:59,060 --> 00:14:01,210 my phone being out of order, 275 00:14:01,210 --> 00:14:04,050 and missing tonight's show, 276 00:14:04,050 --> 00:14:07,120 You canceled your show, Miss Schaeffer, 277 00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:09,090 in order that I might fit you in, 278 00:14:09,090 --> 00:14:11,130 It was entirely your own doing, 279 00:14:11,130 --> 00:14:12,190 Had you waited until tomorrow, 280 00:14:12,190 --> 00:14:15,020 gone ahead and done your program, 281 00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:17,140 then you would've foiled the prophecy, 282 00:14:17,140 --> 00:14:19,060 Is this not true? 283 00:14:19,060 --> 00:14:21,010 And the other things, 284 00:14:21,010 --> 00:14:23,140 you're gonna tell me that those were of my own doing too? 285 00:14:26,050 --> 00:14:28,090 It was you who dropped the telephone, 286 00:14:28,090 --> 00:14:30,110 If nothing else, you must admit 287 00:14:30,110 --> 00:14:32,060 that you've been a very 288 00:14:32,060 --> 00:14:34,190 cooperative accomplice, 289 00:14:34,190 --> 00:14:36,090 Next, you'll have me convinced 290 00:14:36,090 --> 00:14:38,090 that I pushed Carrie Crane in front of that car, 291 00:14:43,130 --> 00:14:45,140 Well, that's what they'd like you to believe, isn't it? 292 00:14:45,140 --> 00:14:47,100 Suicide? 293 00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:50,090 It's their parting gift, an act of punishment, 294 00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:53,120 They'd like us to feel responsible for their death, 295 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:55,220 DR, MILL: It can be, sometimes, 296 00:14:55,220 --> 00:14:58,150 In this case, I'm inclined to agree with you, 297 00:14:58,150 --> 00:15:02,000 The explanation is insufficient to our needs, 298 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:04,050 That's wonderful, Doctor, 299 00:15:04,050 --> 00:15:06,140 Thirty-five bucks an hour to find out something 300 00:15:06,140 --> 00:15:08,120 that I knew before I came through that door, 301 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:11,020 Oh, I'm not without a theory, 302 00:15:11,020 --> 00:15:13,030 There have been cases like this, Miss Schaeffer, 303 00:15:13,030 --> 00:15:15,190 They're not covered by psychiatry, however, 304 00:15:15,190 --> 00:15:17,020 Well what then? 305 00:15:17,020 --> 00:15:19,070 It has to do with certain forms 306 00:15:19,070 --> 00:15:22,010 of clairvoyance, telepathy, 307 00:15:22,010 --> 00:15:24,070 An area called hyperesthesia, 308 00:15:25,230 --> 00:15:28,040 That'd make a great lounge act in Vegas, 309 00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:31,070 If instead of appearing in your diary 310 00:15:31,070 --> 00:15:32,210 you had actually seen it, 311 00:15:32,210 --> 00:15:34,120 had visions of it, 312 00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,110 I think we might call it 313 00:15:36,110 --> 00:15:39,000 paranormal precognition, 314 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,080 It's rare, 315 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:43,000 but it's not unheard of, 316 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,090 In your case, I think what's happening 317 00:15:45,090 --> 00:15:48,130 is an altogether subconscious compulsion 318 00:15:48,130 --> 00:15:51,050 to write these visions down, 319 00:15:51,050 --> 00:15:55,020 with no recollection, however, of having done so, 320 00:15:56,130 --> 00:15:58,180 That's the weenie, hmm? 321 00:15:58,180 --> 00:16:02,040 My subconscious is the culprit, 322 00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:03,130 Thank you very much, Doctor, 323 00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:04,230 The next time I have a problem, 324 00:16:04,230 --> 00:16:06,100 I'll take it to Popular Mechanics, 325 00:16:06,100 --> 00:16:08,200 Your hour isn't up yet, 326 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:10,050 That's okay, 327 00:16:10,050 --> 00:16:13,040 Keep the change, 328 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,060 You spoke earlier 329 00:16:15,060 --> 00:16:17,000 of the accusations 330 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:20,010 Miss Crane leveled at you, 331 00:16:20,010 --> 00:16:22,200 Wouldn't you like to explore those? 332 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:24,180 In walks Sigmund Freud, 333 00:16:24,180 --> 00:16:25,200 Did I hate my mother? 334 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:27,060 Did I love my father? 335 00:16:27,060 --> 00:16:30,050 What's my position on women's lib? 336 00:16:30,050 --> 00:16:32,060 Look, I'll give you Holly Schaeffer 337 00:16:32,060 --> 00:16:34,180 in one terse, cogent paragraph, 338 00:16:34,180 --> 00:16:36,140 I grew up in a tenement building, 339 00:16:36,140 --> 00:16:37,230 I had to scrounge for what I got, 340 00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:39,060 Nobody gave me anything, 341 00:16:39,060 --> 00:16:40,210 I had to take it, 342 00:16:40,210 --> 00:16:42,000 And that included? 343 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:43,130 Everything, 344 00:16:43,130 --> 00:16:45,020 And no guilts, Doctor, 345 00:16:45,020 --> 00:16:47,100 No guilts at all, 346 00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:48,120 I see, 347 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:50,030 You see? 348 00:16:50,030 --> 00:16:52,040 You see nothing, 349 00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:54,000 You think you see, 350 00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:56,130 The classic guilt neurosis-- 351 00:16:56,130 --> 00:16:59,080 the lady is a predatory grabber, 352 00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:00,130 lady can't face it, 353 00:17:00,130 --> 00:17:02,060 lady would like to hide it 354 00:17:02,060 --> 00:17:03,220 in her subconscious, 355 00:17:03,220 --> 00:17:05,040 Lady sublimates it 356 00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:07,190 by making kooky entries in a diary, 357 00:17:07,190 --> 00:17:10,130 and has no idea-- 358 00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:20,050 "January 3rd, 359 00:17:20,050 --> 00:17:22,050 "A black day, 360 00:17:22,050 --> 00:17:24,060 "Jeb is gone, 361 00:17:24,060 --> 00:17:27,170 "A man I loved wiped out for no good reason, 362 00:17:27,170 --> 00:17:29,150 "I can't live with his death, 363 00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:34,000 "I can't live with a knowledge that somehow, 364 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:35,220 "in a manner both mysterious and unfathomable, 365 00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:38,160 "I was responsible, 366 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:40,150 "This whole thing must end, 367 00:17:40,150 --> 00:17:41,230 "I can endure no more of it, 368 00:17:41,230 --> 00:17:44,070 "The wrong people are dying, 369 00:17:44,070 --> 00:17:46,010 "I may be able to justify my sins, 370 00:17:46,010 --> 00:17:48,230 "but I can no longer forgive them, 371 00:17:48,230 --> 00:17:51,220 Dear, God, After this, how do I live with myself?" 372 00:17:58,030 --> 00:17:59,210 Where is he? Where's Mr, Harlan? 373 00:17:59,210 --> 00:18:02,200 He was--he was gone over an hour ago, 374 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,060 In fact, he should be landing 375 00:18:04,060 --> 00:18:05,200 in San Francisco about now, Miss Schaeffer, 376 00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:06,230 San Francisco? 377 00:18:06,230 --> 00:18:08,100 Uh-hmm, Business, 378 00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:10,140 In fact, some of your investments, I believe, 379 00:18:10,140 --> 00:18:12,030 My-- 380 00:18:12,030 --> 00:18:13,110 look, I've got to reach him, 381 00:18:13,110 --> 00:18:15,040 I got to talk to him immediately, 382 00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:16,180 I don't see how, 383 00:18:16,180 --> 00:18:18,020 I don't even know what hotel he stopped at, 384 00:18:18,020 --> 00:18:19,130 You see, he left so suddenly 385 00:18:19,130 --> 00:18:21,200 there was not even time to make reservations, 386 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,180 Look, I've got to talk to him, Don't you understand that? 387 00:18:23,180 --> 00:18:26,200 Well, I'm sure he'll be telephoning in 388 00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,040 tomorrow morning, 389 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,140 first thing, 390 00:18:29,140 --> 00:18:31,040 Yes, of course he will, 391 00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:33,000 Well, look, when he calls, 392 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,180 you tell him to stay put, 393 00:18:34,180 --> 00:18:36,220 not to leave that hotel for anything, 394 00:18:36,220 --> 00:18:38,080 You've got to tell him that, 395 00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:39,220 Miss Schaeffer, if you could just tell me 396 00:18:39,220 --> 00:18:41,070 what this is all about, perhaps,,, 397 00:18:41,070 --> 00:18:43,120 Oh, I'll tell you what it's about, 398 00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:45,190 You tell him that if he doesn't anchor himself 399 00:18:45,190 --> 00:18:47,060 to some real estate tomorrow, 400 00:18:47,060 --> 00:18:48,180 he's gonna wind up in the obituaries, 401 00:18:48,180 --> 00:18:50,150 Tell him that's the way it is in the diary, 402 00:18:50,150 --> 00:18:51,190 You've got to tell him that! 403 00:18:51,190 --> 00:18:53,180 You've got to tell him, 404 00:18:53,180 --> 00:18:55,080 You've just got to tell him that, 405 00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:57,000 Somebody's got to tell him, 406 00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:58,040 You've got to tell him, 407 00:18:58,040 --> 00:18:59,200 Tell him, tell him, tell him, 408 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:01,000 ( whispered voice echoing ) You've got to tell him, 409 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,020 tell him, tell him, tell him, 410 00:19:02,020 --> 00:19:04,010 You mustn't blame yourself, 411 00:19:04,010 --> 00:19:05,030 You were hysterical, 412 00:19:05,030 --> 00:19:06,170 I couldn't control you, 413 00:19:06,170 --> 00:19:08,210 I thought perhaps if he were here-- 414 00:19:08,210 --> 00:19:11,050 So when he phoned me last night, 415 00:19:11,050 --> 00:19:12,160 anxious to know 416 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:16,030 how our consultation had gone, 417 00:19:16,030 --> 00:19:19,120 I expressed my concern to him, 418 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:21,210 He was on his way to the San Francisco airport 419 00:19:21,210 --> 00:19:23,000 when it happened, 420 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:25,010 He was killed instantly, 421 00:19:28,190 --> 00:19:32,030 Everything I touch turns to graveyards, 422 00:19:32,030 --> 00:19:33,180 Everything, 423 00:19:33,180 --> 00:19:35,050 He phoned me, 424 00:19:35,050 --> 00:19:37,160 I was the reason he was hurrying back, not you, 425 00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:39,140 Because of me, Doctor, 426 00:19:39,140 --> 00:19:41,070 Don't you see? 427 00:19:41,070 --> 00:19:45,070 Because of me, 428 00:19:45,070 --> 00:19:47,130 I'm 29 years old, 429 00:19:47,130 --> 00:19:48,200 and in all those years, 430 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:51,150 I've only loved once, Jeb, 431 00:19:51,150 --> 00:19:53,190 Just Jeb, no one else, 432 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:56,230 I think if he'd asked me pretty please, 433 00:19:56,230 --> 00:19:58,220 I'd have died for him, 434 00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:05,170 Tell me, Doctor, 435 00:20:05,170 --> 00:20:09,070 What have I got to show for those 29 years? 436 00:20:10,190 --> 00:20:13,210 A fancy high-rise apartment, 437 00:20:13,210 --> 00:20:16,030 catalog of victims, 438 00:20:16,030 --> 00:20:19,010 and a growing list of corpses, 439 00:20:20,130 --> 00:20:22,100 That's a pretty pathetic inventory, 440 00:20:22,100 --> 00:20:24,100 wouldn't you say? 441 00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:26,020 Miss Schaeffer,,, 442 00:20:26,020 --> 00:20:27,210 Maybe I'll retire television's 443 00:20:27,210 --> 00:20:29,170 foremost hatchet lady, 444 00:20:29,170 --> 00:20:32,070 Put my talent-- what did you call it,,, 445 00:20:32,070 --> 00:20:34,220 precognition-- to more productive use, 446 00:20:34,220 --> 00:20:36,140 The ponies maybe, 447 00:20:36,140 --> 00:20:38,070 Pimlico, Hialeah, 448 00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:40,180 Saratoga, Hollywood Park, 449 00:20:40,180 --> 00:20:42,070 All I have to do is look in the diary, 450 00:20:42,070 --> 00:20:43,200 check the winners 451 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,100 and make my bets, 452 00:20:45,100 --> 00:20:48,190 It's like having a copy of tomorrow's newspaper, 453 00:20:48,190 --> 00:20:49,220 How can I lose? 454 00:20:49,220 --> 00:20:52,050 Nine horses, nine winners, 455 00:20:58,190 --> 00:21:00,140 What is it? 456 00:21:00,140 --> 00:21:03,010 There's nothing written in it, 457 00:21:03,010 --> 00:21:05,060 January 4 is a blank page, 458 00:21:05,060 --> 00:21:06,210 Miss Schaeffer, throw that thing way, 459 00:21:06,210 --> 00:21:07,230 Get rid of it, 460 00:21:07,230 --> 00:21:11,070 What good would that do? 461 00:21:11,070 --> 00:21:13,080 Do you think for a moment that 462 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:15,180 I don't realize what this means? 463 00:21:17,130 --> 00:21:20,100 Just because there's nothing written on this page 464 00:21:22,010 --> 00:21:24,090 doesn't signify that it bears no meaning, 465 00:21:24,090 --> 00:21:27,130 Last entry, January 3rd, 466 00:21:27,130 --> 00:21:30,010 "The wrong people are dying, 467 00:21:30,010 --> 00:21:33,020 Dear, God, After this, how do I live with myself?" 468 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,150 Can't you understand now why it's blank? 469 00:21:39,150 --> 00:21:41,130 Last entry, 470 00:21:41,130 --> 00:21:43,150 Holly gives it to Holly, 471 00:21:43,150 --> 00:21:45,030 You dig, shrink? 472 00:21:45,030 --> 00:21:47,060 Next entry, nothing, 473 00:21:50,150 --> 00:21:53,210 The page is blank 474 00:21:53,210 --> 00:21:56,230 because I won't be alive to write in it, 475 00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:00,030 Not after tomorrow, 476 00:22:05,210 --> 00:22:07,170 Nurse? 477 00:22:07,170 --> 00:22:10,220 Nurse, I've got to see Dr, Mill, 478 00:22:10,220 --> 00:22:13,060 You've got to get him for me, 479 00:22:13,060 --> 00:22:16,020 Nurse? 480 00:22:16,020 --> 00:22:19,010 Do you hear me? 481 00:22:19,010 --> 00:22:21,030 Nurse, are you there? 482 00:22:21,030 --> 00:22:22,050 Can't you hear me? 483 00:22:22,050 --> 00:22:25,020 Get me Dr, Mill, 484 00:22:25,020 --> 00:22:27,170 Nurse! 485 00:22:27,170 --> 00:22:30,100 I didn't wanna disturb you, Doctor, but I,,, 486 00:22:30,100 --> 00:22:33,150 Dr, Mill! I've got to see Dr, Mill! 487 00:22:33,150 --> 00:22:36,040 That has been going on all evening, 488 00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:38,070 I'll look in on it, 489 00:22:52,090 --> 00:22:53,170 Yes, Miss Schaeffer? 490 00:22:56,130 --> 00:22:58,000 Schaeffer? 491 00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,020 Never heard of her, 492 00:23:00,020 --> 00:23:03,130 Nobody here but us historical figures, 493 00:23:03,130 --> 00:23:05,000 Me? 494 00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:06,130 I'm Napoleon's favorite mistress, 495 00:23:06,130 --> 00:23:08,080 Next door, we have Delilah, 496 00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:10,210 who's planning the grand opening of a men's barber shop, 497 00:23:10,210 --> 00:23:13,010 Down the hall, there's a lady who recites a lot, 498 00:23:13,010 --> 00:23:15,180 goes by the name of Sarah Bernhardt, 499 00:23:15,180 --> 00:23:19,150 - Just historical figures, ( giggles ) 500 00:23:19,150 --> 00:23:23,030 Historical, historical figures! 501 00:23:23,030 --> 00:23:25,020 The nurse said you were calling for me, 502 00:23:27,060 --> 00:23:29,170 It's almost 12:00, 503 00:23:29,170 --> 00:23:32,060 In a few minutes, it's gonna be January 5th, 504 00:23:32,060 --> 00:23:34,020 I know, 505 00:23:34,020 --> 00:23:36,070 Well, I asked the nurse for a pen or a pencil 506 00:23:36,070 --> 00:23:38,020 and she wouldn't let me have it, 507 00:23:38,020 --> 00:23:39,140 DR, MILL: You know why, Miss Schaeffer, 508 00:23:39,140 --> 00:23:41,090 Coming here was your idea, 509 00:23:41,090 --> 00:23:43,090 You laid down the ground rules, 510 00:23:43,090 --> 00:23:44,110 No sheets, 511 00:23:44,110 --> 00:23:45,140 no ropes, 512 00:23:45,140 --> 00:23:46,180 no silverware, 513 00:23:46,180 --> 00:23:48,150 no plates, nothing sharp, 514 00:23:48,150 --> 00:23:50,020 No instruments at all 515 00:23:50,020 --> 00:23:52,030 with which you might do yourself bodily harm, 516 00:23:52,030 --> 00:23:54,160 I know, 517 00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:57,040 but I've been thinking about it, 518 00:23:57,040 --> 00:24:00,020 Maybe I was wrong, 519 00:24:00,020 --> 00:24:02,200 See, I just assumed 520 00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:05,080 when I read that last entry in the diary 521 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:07,020 that because the page was blank, 522 00:24:07,020 --> 00:24:10,080 I was automatically gonna do myself in, 523 00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:14,130 But I ruled out the prospect of natural causes, 524 00:24:14,130 --> 00:24:16,030 A heart attack, 525 00:24:16,030 --> 00:24:18,040 a massive cerebral hemorrhage, 526 00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:20,210 an unexpected aneurism, 527 00:24:20,210 --> 00:24:24,010 You're in perfect physical health, Miss Schaeffer, 528 00:24:24,010 --> 00:24:25,210 You read about it every day, 529 00:24:25,210 --> 00:24:28,080 People with no past medical history 530 00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:30,040 all of a sudden dropping dead, 531 00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:31,180 so don't tell me it can't happen to me, 532 00:24:31,180 --> 00:24:34,100 It can and it will unless-- 533 00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:43,070 But I can beat the rap, 534 00:24:43,070 --> 00:24:46,010 I have a plan, I have it all figured out, 535 00:24:46,010 --> 00:24:48,210 It's so simple, it's crazy, 536 00:24:48,210 --> 00:24:52,090 I mean, I don't know why I didn't think of it before, 537 00:24:52,090 --> 00:24:55,090 The page is blank, yes? 538 00:24:55,090 --> 00:24:57,050 Don't you see? 539 00:24:57,050 --> 00:25:00,020 I mean, it's so obvious, 540 00:25:00,020 --> 00:25:03,000 it's ridiculous, 541 00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:05,030 All I have to do 542 00:25:05,030 --> 00:25:06,060 is write something 543 00:25:06,060 --> 00:25:09,040 on that blank page, 544 00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:10,230 I don't have to die, 545 00:25:12,010 --> 00:25:13,040 I can write anything, 546 00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:14,210 Anything at all, 547 00:25:14,210 --> 00:25:16,100 If I write on the page, 548 00:25:16,100 --> 00:25:18,120 it means nothing happened to me, 549 00:25:18,120 --> 00:25:20,050 don't you see? 550 00:25:20,050 --> 00:25:24,050 I mean, how could I write something if I was already dead? 551 00:25:24,050 --> 00:25:27,130 Doctor, in 10 minutes 552 00:25:27,130 --> 00:25:29,220 it's going to be 12:00, 553 00:25:29,220 --> 00:25:31,070 For God's sake, 554 00:25:31,070 --> 00:25:34,010 please get me a pen, 555 00:25:34,010 --> 00:25:36,150 I'll be right back, 556 00:25:44,180 --> 00:25:45,230 In the upper right-hand drawer, 557 00:25:45,230 --> 00:25:47,050 you'll find a pen, 558 00:25:47,050 --> 00:25:48,150 Would you give it to me, please? 559 00:25:48,150 --> 00:25:49,170 All right, 560 00:25:49,170 --> 00:25:51,120 Are you going to let her have it? 561 00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:53,090 MILL: You're new on this ward, aren't you? 562 00:25:53,090 --> 00:25:55,010 I--it's my first shift, 563 00:25:55,010 --> 00:25:56,180 I thought so, Otherwise, you'd know, 564 00:25:56,180 --> 00:25:58,090 we give her a pen every evening, 565 00:25:58,090 --> 00:26:00,110 Every evening, Doctor? 566 00:26:00,110 --> 00:26:02,110 MILL: Yes, Miss Schaeffer has been a patient 567 00:26:02,110 --> 00:26:03,160 at this sanitarium 568 00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:06,110 going on five years now, 569 00:26:06,110 --> 00:26:08,010 HOLLY: Hurry, Doctor, 570 00:26:08,010 --> 00:26:09,130 hurry! 571 00:26:14,020 --> 00:26:16,050 Yes, Miss Schaeffer, 572 00:26:16,050 --> 00:26:17,070 I'm hurrying, 573 00:26:17,070 --> 00:26:20,050 ( music playing ) 574 00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:52,070 Oh, 7:00 already, 575 00:26:52,070 --> 00:26:53,150 I haven't realized it was so late, 576 00:26:53,150 --> 00:26:56,020 - Well, this is the last one, - Okay, 577 00:27:11,100 --> 00:27:12,170 DRACULA: If you do not mind, 578 00:27:12,170 --> 00:27:15,000 I have this thing about mirrors, 579 00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:17,070 Oh, won't you sit down, please, 580 00:27:17,070 --> 00:27:18,100 DRACULA: Oh, thank you, 581 00:27:18,100 --> 00:27:19,210 This won't take long, 582 00:27:19,210 --> 00:27:20,210 Your name, please? 583 00:27:20,210 --> 00:27:22,110 Count Dracula, 584 00:27:23,220 --> 00:27:25,000 WOMAN: Your address? 585 00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:26,140 DRACULA: Post Office Box 13, 586 00:27:26,140 --> 00:27:29,100 Bistritz, Transylvania, 587 00:27:29,100 --> 00:27:31,150 This is most generous of you, 588 00:27:31,150 --> 00:27:34,100 Your, uh, do I say highness? 589 00:27:34,100 --> 00:27:36,160 Your Eminence will suffice, 590 00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:38,060 Your Eminence, 591 00:27:38,060 --> 00:27:40,140 After all, it's not often that we get people 592 00:27:40,140 --> 00:27:42,220 of your station in life, 593 00:27:42,220 --> 00:27:45,020 especially foreign visitors to our sunny shores, 594 00:27:45,020 --> 00:27:47,030 Which is a shame because the cause, 595 00:27:47,030 --> 00:27:49,190 as you well know, is a worthy one, 596 00:27:49,190 --> 00:27:54,010 Oh, I can think of none worthier, 597 00:27:54,010 --> 00:27:55,020 ( chuckles ) 598 00:27:57,140 --> 00:28:00,100 You, uh, keep looking at our equipment, 599 00:28:00,100 --> 00:28:02,130 There's nothing to be afraid of, you know, 600 00:28:02,130 --> 00:28:03,210 Afraid? 601 00:28:03,210 --> 00:28:05,130 Me? 602 00:28:05,130 --> 00:28:07,030 Good, 603 00:28:07,030 --> 00:28:08,140 Well, it's just that some people 604 00:28:08,140 --> 00:28:10,010 are trifle squeamish 605 00:28:10,010 --> 00:28:11,120 on their first visit, 606 00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:13,020 DRACULA: Oh, young lady, 607 00:28:13,020 --> 00:28:15,150 I am never squeamish, 608 00:28:15,150 --> 00:28:17,140 Oh, good, 609 00:28:17,140 --> 00:28:19,110 because after all it is only one pint, 610 00:28:19,110 --> 00:28:21,150 Oh, but one pint will not do, 611 00:28:21,150 --> 00:28:23,230 - Won't do? - Better make it three, 612 00:28:23,230 --> 00:28:25,010 Three? 613 00:28:25,010 --> 00:28:26,120 Oh, Your Eminence, 614 00:28:26,120 --> 00:28:28,110 it's most commendable of you 615 00:28:28,110 --> 00:28:30,000 but I'm afraid it's impossible, 616 00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:31,160 Oh, I can see that this 617 00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:33,130 is the first time you've given, 618 00:28:33,130 --> 00:28:36,140 Uh, there appears to be a slight misunderstanding, 619 00:28:36,140 --> 00:28:38,030 - Your Eminence? - Young lady, 620 00:28:38,030 --> 00:28:39,180 this is a blood bank? 621 00:28:39,180 --> 00:28:40,200 Certainly, 622 00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:43,220 DRACULA: Uh, well, then, 623 00:28:43,220 --> 00:28:47,080 I wish to apply for a loan, 624 00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:50,060 ( music playing ) 625 00:28:55,090 --> 00:28:58,050 Our painting reminds us that there's a strange fascination 626 00:28:58,050 --> 00:29:01,090 of digging holes alongside ancient oaks, 627 00:29:01,090 --> 00:29:02,110 You give the average man 628 00:29:02,110 --> 00:29:04,170 a shovel and an X on a map, 629 00:29:04,170 --> 00:29:07,050 and the fantasies come thick and fast-- 630 00:29:07,050 --> 00:29:10,000 pirate gold, hidden confederate treasure, 631 00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:11,220 and sometimes the unexpected, 632 00:29:11,220 --> 00:29:14,020 and sometimes, the unwelcome, 633 00:29:14,020 --> 00:29:16,130 Hence, the title, "Big Surprise", 634 00:29:16,130 --> 00:29:19,110 ( music playing ) 635 00:29:38,080 --> 00:29:40,080 JASON: Uh-oh, There he is, 636 00:29:47,210 --> 00:29:50,010 - What do you think he wants? - Why don't you ask him? 637 00:29:50,010 --> 00:29:51,120 DAN: Are you kidding? I wouldn't go near him 638 00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:53,090 for a million dollars, 639 00:29:53,090 --> 00:29:54,090 Has anybody ever gone there? 640 00:29:54,090 --> 00:29:56,190 Not unless they were crazy, 641 00:29:56,190 --> 00:29:58,130 HAWKINS: Come here, I have something to tell you, 642 00:29:58,130 --> 00:30:00,060 He means you, Chris, 643 00:30:00,060 --> 00:30:01,130 Does not, 644 00:30:01,130 --> 00:30:03,230 HAWKINS: You, with the blue jacket, 645 00:30:05,070 --> 00:30:07,060 - See, he does mean you, - So, what? 646 00:30:07,060 --> 00:30:08,100 Don't be afraid, lad, 647 00:30:08,100 --> 00:30:10,030 I won't hurt you, 648 00:30:10,030 --> 00:30:11,090 Go on, 649 00:30:11,090 --> 00:30:13,000 See what he wants, 650 00:30:13,000 --> 00:30:15,020 - You chicken? - Shut up, 651 00:30:15,020 --> 00:30:16,140 HAWKINS: I won't hurt you, 652 00:30:16,140 --> 00:30:19,080 Come here, 653 00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:20,100 JASON: Well, go on, 654 00:30:20,100 --> 00:30:21,150 He is a chicken, 655 00:30:21,150 --> 00:30:23,050 I am not, 656 00:30:23,050 --> 00:30:25,080 Go talk to him then, 657 00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:26,130 HAWKINS: Hey, 658 00:30:26,130 --> 00:30:27,150 JASON: Go on, 659 00:30:27,150 --> 00:30:28,170 You're so brave, 660 00:30:28,170 --> 00:30:30,100 why don't you do it? 661 00:30:30,100 --> 00:30:31,210 JASON: Trying to get out of it? 662 00:30:31,210 --> 00:30:33,030 I'm not trying to get out of anything, 663 00:30:33,030 --> 00:30:34,050 Then, do it, 664 00:30:34,050 --> 00:30:36,100 ( music playing ) 665 00:30:36,100 --> 00:30:38,040 All right, 666 00:31:01,090 --> 00:31:04,190 That's it--that's it, lad, 667 00:31:04,190 --> 00:31:07,050 Come a little closer, 668 00:31:07,050 --> 00:31:10,030 ( music playing ) 669 00:31:16,010 --> 00:31:18,130 You're not afraid of old Mr, Hawkins, are you? 670 00:31:20,030 --> 00:31:21,190 I'm not afraid of anything, 671 00:31:21,190 --> 00:31:23,070 That's a lad, 672 00:31:24,090 --> 00:31:26,010 What's your name? 673 00:31:26,010 --> 00:31:27,060 Chris, 674 00:31:27,060 --> 00:31:29,190 Well, Chris, 675 00:31:29,190 --> 00:31:32,200 how would you like a big surprise? 676 00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:34,100 Huh? 677 00:31:34,100 --> 00:31:36,090 You know where Miller's Field is? 678 00:31:38,050 --> 00:31:40,030 You know where that great big oak tree is? 679 00:31:42,060 --> 00:31:44,060 Go to that tree, 680 00:31:44,060 --> 00:31:45,220 face the steeple of the church, 681 00:31:45,220 --> 00:31:48,010 - you understand? - Yeah, 682 00:31:48,010 --> 00:31:50,120 Walk ten paces, 683 00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:52,080 dig down four feet, 684 00:31:52,080 --> 00:31:54,060 understand? 685 00:31:54,060 --> 00:31:56,010 Walk ten paces, 686 00:31:56,010 --> 00:31:58,010 dig down four feet, 687 00:31:59,210 --> 00:32:01,010 And there you'll find 688 00:32:01,010 --> 00:32:03,230 a great big surprise, 689 00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:09,140 ( laughs ) 690 00:32:13,170 --> 00:32:15,040 Don't forget, 691 00:32:16,170 --> 00:32:18,060 JASON: What did he say? 692 00:32:18,060 --> 00:32:20,210 CHRIS: ( inaudible ) 693 00:32:20,210 --> 00:32:22,030 JASON: Oh, come on, man 694 00:32:22,030 --> 00:32:24,170 ( inaudible ) 695 00:32:24,170 --> 00:32:26,220 ( music playing ) 696 00:32:31,110 --> 00:32:33,000 CHRIS: Do you think there's something down there, 697 00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:34,230 - really? - JASON: Nah, 698 00:32:34,230 --> 00:32:37,120 There's nothing down there, 699 00:32:37,120 --> 00:32:39,130 CHRIS: Why did he tell me there was? 700 00:32:39,130 --> 00:32:41,030 JASON: He's pulling a prank, 701 00:32:41,030 --> 00:32:42,200 CHRIS: Yeah, but why? 702 00:32:42,200 --> 00:32:44,150 What could it do to him? 703 00:32:44,150 --> 00:32:46,100 He wouldn't know if we dug the hole or not, 704 00:32:46,100 --> 00:32:47,210 He's always at home, 705 00:32:47,210 --> 00:32:49,080 How do you know? 706 00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:50,220 CHRIS: Because he's always there, 707 00:32:50,220 --> 00:32:52,230 Have you ever seen him leave? 708 00:32:52,230 --> 00:32:54,070 Has anybody? 709 00:32:54,070 --> 00:32:55,210 It's a prank, 710 00:32:55,210 --> 00:32:58,100 Yeah, Well, what if it isn't? 711 00:32:58,100 --> 00:33:01,030 All right, Then, what is it? 712 00:33:01,030 --> 00:33:02,130 Well, suppose it's money down there, 713 00:33:02,130 --> 00:33:04,070 Did he say there was? 714 00:33:04,070 --> 00:33:06,140 Well, he wouldn't say, 715 00:33:06,140 --> 00:33:08,070 He'd just let you find it, huh? 716 00:33:08,070 --> 00:33:09,230 And after you found it, you go running back 717 00:33:09,230 --> 00:33:11,130 and give it to him, I suppose, 718 00:33:11,130 --> 00:33:12,150 Yeah, I would, 719 00:33:12,150 --> 00:33:14,040 Like fun you would, 720 00:33:14,040 --> 00:33:15,180 And he knows it, 721 00:33:15,180 --> 00:33:17,110 That's why there's no money down there, 722 00:33:17,110 --> 00:33:19,140 - BOY: What if there is, though? - What? 723 00:33:19,140 --> 00:33:20,230 No, really, 724 00:33:20,230 --> 00:33:22,120 He's old, ain't he? 725 00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:24,140 Maybe money don't mean nothing to him anymore, 726 00:33:24,140 --> 00:33:25,230 Maybe he's one of those crazy guys 727 00:33:25,230 --> 00:33:27,130 who likes to give money to people 728 00:33:27,130 --> 00:33:29,220 because it makes him feel good, 729 00:33:29,220 --> 00:33:31,180 Well, there's only one way we can find out, 730 00:33:31,180 --> 00:33:32,200 What are you going to dig with, 731 00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:35,020 your hands? 732 00:33:35,020 --> 00:33:36,040 We'll go borrow some shovels 733 00:33:36,040 --> 00:33:38,120 from Miller's barn, 734 00:33:38,120 --> 00:33:39,150 You want to? 735 00:33:39,150 --> 00:33:40,230 We'd be wasting our time, 736 00:33:42,110 --> 00:33:44,120 CHRIS: I'm going to do it, 737 00:33:44,120 --> 00:33:45,220 DAN: Me, too, 738 00:33:45,220 --> 00:33:48,080 Waste of time, 739 00:33:57,040 --> 00:33:59,150 ( music playing ) 740 00:33:59,150 --> 00:34:01,190 One, two, 741 00:34:01,190 --> 00:34:04,000 three, four, 742 00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:06,090 five, six, 743 00:34:06,090 --> 00:34:08,190 seven, eight, 744 00:34:08,190 --> 00:34:11,120 nine, ten, 745 00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:13,150 ( music playing ) 746 00:34:21,170 --> 00:34:23,140 Stupid, 747 00:34:41,030 --> 00:34:44,010 ( panting ) 748 00:34:51,200 --> 00:34:53,010 You dig a while now, 749 00:34:54,150 --> 00:34:56,000 You don't dig, you don't share, 750 00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:57,020 Share what? 751 00:34:57,020 --> 00:34:58,150 There's nothing down there, 752 00:34:58,150 --> 00:35:00,110 Then why don't you just go home? 753 00:35:03,020 --> 00:35:04,150 Get out of the way, then, 754 00:35:20,110 --> 00:35:22,160 - Well, how about you? - I've been digging!, 755 00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:25,080 Well, dig some more, 756 00:35:25,080 --> 00:35:28,030 I'm not going to do it all by myself, you know, 757 00:35:28,030 --> 00:35:31,010 ( music playing ) 758 00:36:22,200 --> 00:36:24,050 It's four-feet deep, 759 00:36:24,050 --> 00:36:25,070 It is not, 760 00:36:25,070 --> 00:36:26,090 It is, 761 00:36:26,090 --> 00:36:27,110 No, 762 00:36:27,110 --> 00:36:28,180 JASON: It is, 763 00:36:28,180 --> 00:36:30,160 I told you he was pulling a prank, 764 00:36:30,160 --> 00:36:33,190 He's probably rolling on his floor right now, 765 00:36:33,190 --> 00:36:36,110 laughing like crazy thinking of us, 766 00:36:36,110 --> 00:36:38,180 And you out here digging this stupid hole, 767 00:36:38,180 --> 00:36:40,140 It's not four-feet yet, 768 00:36:40,140 --> 00:36:42,180 It is four-feet, 769 00:36:42,180 --> 00:36:44,060 and I'm clearing out, 770 00:36:47,180 --> 00:36:49,110 You do that, and you're not going to be able share, 771 00:36:49,110 --> 00:36:51,210 Share, what? Dirt? 772 00:36:51,210 --> 00:36:53,150 Are you coming? 773 00:36:53,150 --> 00:36:56,130 ( wind whooshing ) 774 00:36:59,230 --> 00:37:02,190 CHRIS: Then, you're not going to get the share either, 775 00:37:02,190 --> 00:37:04,000 Come on, let's go to my house 776 00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:06,230 and get something to eat, 777 00:37:06,230 --> 00:37:09,060 CHRIS: Don't come running back to me after I find it, 778 00:37:09,060 --> 00:37:12,010 JASON: What a jerk, 779 00:37:12,010 --> 00:37:14,140 You'll be sorry, 780 00:37:14,140 --> 00:37:17,000 So long, digger, 781 00:37:18,060 --> 00:37:20,010 ( wind whooshing ) 782 00:37:50,210 --> 00:37:51,230 Dig another foot, 783 00:37:51,230 --> 00:37:54,220 ( music playing ) 784 00:37:58,140 --> 00:38:00,090 ( sarcastically ) Can we have some, Chris? 785 00:38:01,110 --> 00:38:04,110 No, it's mine, All mine, 786 00:38:04,110 --> 00:38:07,090 ( music playing ) 787 00:38:21,180 --> 00:38:24,000 ( thud ) 788 00:38:28,150 --> 00:38:29,220 Hey, 789 00:38:32,210 --> 00:38:34,100 Why should I? 790 00:38:59,210 --> 00:39:01,180 ( creaking ) 791 00:39:14,220 --> 00:39:17,100 Surprise, 792 00:39:17,100 --> 00:39:21,180 ( laughing ) 793 00:39:21,180 --> 00:39:24,160 ( music playing ) 794 00:39:31,050 --> 00:39:33,020 Our final offering, 795 00:39:33,020 --> 00:39:34,210 a study in depth of a gentleman 796 00:39:34,210 --> 00:39:37,000 from the academe, 797 00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:38,100 seen here at the lectern 798 00:39:38,100 --> 00:39:41,020 delivering the most scholarly treatise, 799 00:39:41,020 --> 00:39:42,130 This particular class, 800 00:39:42,130 --> 00:39:44,140 I don't think you'd want to cut, 801 00:39:44,140 --> 00:39:46,010 The painting's title, 802 00:39:46,010 --> 00:39:48,180 "Professor Peabody's Last Lecture," 803 00:39:48,180 --> 00:39:51,160 ( music playing ) 804 00:40:01,110 --> 00:40:04,090 ( bell tolling ) 805 00:40:17,110 --> 00:40:19,010 PEABODY: During the past term, we have covered 806 00:40:19,010 --> 00:40:22,030 the field of pagan religious cults, 807 00:40:22,030 --> 00:40:24,140 Taking in such far-ranging subjects 808 00:40:24,140 --> 00:40:27,030 as Kali, the Druids, 809 00:40:27,030 --> 00:40:29,070 Thoth, Adramelech, 810 00:40:29,070 --> 00:40:31,030 the Dionysian Mysteries, 811 00:40:31,030 --> 00:40:33,020 Obeah and the Red Voodoo Sect, 812 00:40:33,020 --> 00:40:36,110 Satanism, Moloch, Efreet, 813 00:40:36,110 --> 00:40:39,030 the East Indian Benjies, 814 00:40:39,030 --> 00:40:40,160 and the Magna Mater, 815 00:40:40,160 --> 00:40:43,090 All of them viewed from the perspective 816 00:40:43,090 --> 00:40:45,140 of an enlightened 20th Century-- 817 00:40:45,140 --> 00:40:47,010 how patently barbaric, 818 00:40:47,010 --> 00:40:49,200 And if I may say so, childish, 819 00:40:49,200 --> 00:40:52,020 Childish, that is, in the sense it's childish to believe 820 00:40:52,020 --> 00:40:54,180 that Clark Kent, in the guise of Superman, 821 00:40:54,180 --> 00:40:56,180 can leap over tall buildings 822 00:40:56,180 --> 00:40:58,170 in a single bound, 823 00:41:00,180 --> 00:41:02,200 Yes, Mr, Bloch? 824 00:41:02,200 --> 00:41:04,170 Were they really so childish, sir? 825 00:41:04,170 --> 00:41:07,090 Superstition had a way of explaining things, 826 00:41:07,090 --> 00:41:10,030 Things that otherwise were too, uh, bewildering, 827 00:41:10,030 --> 00:41:12,020 too frightening to face, 828 00:41:12,020 --> 00:41:14,210 Balderdash, superstition is and always has been 829 00:41:14,210 --> 00:41:17,110 a bottleneck in the path of progress, 830 00:41:17,110 --> 00:41:19,110 Primeval man was out making sacrifices 831 00:41:19,110 --> 00:41:20,230 to non-existing gods 832 00:41:20,230 --> 00:41:22,100 when he should have been directing 833 00:41:22,100 --> 00:41:25,160 his energies to harnessing the elements, 834 00:41:25,160 --> 00:41:28,050 Now, where was I? 835 00:41:28,050 --> 00:41:30,030 Oh, yes, this should interest you, Mr, Bloch, 836 00:41:30,030 --> 00:41:32,040 since it illustrates my point, 837 00:41:32,040 --> 00:41:33,060 We will, this afternoon, 838 00:41:33,060 --> 00:41:35,110 discuss what is indisputedly 839 00:41:35,110 --> 00:41:37,180 the most outlandishly preposterous 840 00:41:37,180 --> 00:41:39,150 of all the ancient cults, 841 00:41:39,150 --> 00:41:42,100 One which inexplicably took root about, uh, 842 00:41:42,100 --> 00:41:43,210 well, as recently as 50 years ago 843 00:41:43,210 --> 00:41:46,000 in Arkham, Massachusetts, 844 00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:49,000 I refer to the worship of a group of obscure gods 845 00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:52,170 known as the Great Old Ones, 846 00:41:52,170 --> 00:41:55,170 Uh, you know, as incredibly bizarre as it may seem to 847 00:41:55,170 --> 00:41:58,180 us now sitting here in our air-conditioned classrooms, 848 00:41:58,180 --> 00:42:01,030 no advanced study of comparative religion 849 00:42:01,030 --> 00:42:04,090 would be complete without a brief examination of them, 850 00:42:04,090 --> 00:42:06,130 if only for the laughs, 851 00:42:08,070 --> 00:42:10,050 Well, now I have here, 852 00:42:10,050 --> 00:42:13,040 you will observe, a list of names, 853 00:42:13,040 --> 00:42:16,130 These are the so called major gods, 854 00:42:16,130 --> 00:42:18,010 How they arrived at their pecking order 855 00:42:18,010 --> 00:42:19,030 is anybody's guess, 856 00:42:19,030 --> 00:42:20,150 Perhaps they won their stripes 857 00:42:20,150 --> 00:42:22,170 in some antediluvian crap game, 858 00:42:25,230 --> 00:42:27,120 Nyarlathotep, 859 00:42:27,120 --> 00:42:29,020 Nyarlathotep, 860 00:42:29,020 --> 00:42:31,030 the "Crawling Chaos," 861 00:42:31,030 --> 00:42:32,100 Reputedly the first deity 862 00:42:32,100 --> 00:42:34,090 worshiped in Olden Egypt, 863 00:42:35,180 --> 00:42:38,150 Umr at-Tawil, "The Most Ancient One," 864 00:42:38,150 --> 00:42:40,180 whose terrible powers have been feared 865 00:42:40,180 --> 00:42:44,040 by all the world since Loma arose from the sea 866 00:42:44,040 --> 00:42:45,130 and the children of fire 867 00:42:45,130 --> 00:42:48,110 came to teach the elder law to men, 868 00:42:48,110 --> 00:42:51,160 Reads rather like a press agent's handout, doesn't it? 869 00:42:51,160 --> 00:42:53,090 Providing he was on lysergic acid 870 00:42:53,090 --> 00:42:54,150 at the time he wrote it, 871 00:42:54,150 --> 00:42:56,190 ( thunder rumbles ) 872 00:42:56,190 --> 00:42:59,070 Next, we have Hastur, 873 00:42:59,070 --> 00:43:00,180 "The Unspeakable," 874 00:43:00,180 --> 00:43:02,160 - DERLETH: Sir? - Yes, Mr, Derleth, 875 00:43:04,190 --> 00:43:06,110 Perhaps, I'm mistaken 876 00:43:06,110 --> 00:43:08,120 but, I've done a little outside reading on this subject, 877 00:43:08,120 --> 00:43:10,040 And isn't the god you just mentioned, 878 00:43:10,040 --> 00:43:12,020 isn't it a punishable blasphemy 879 00:43:12,020 --> 00:43:14,180 to speak his name aloud? 880 00:43:14,180 --> 00:43:17,000 Punishable by who, Mr, Derleth? 881 00:43:17,000 --> 00:43:19,060 Having unwittingly committed the fatal faux pas, 882 00:43:19,060 --> 00:43:21,120 am I now to expect the midnight visitation 883 00:43:21,120 --> 00:43:23,180 from some tentacled monstrosity 884 00:43:23,180 --> 00:43:25,110 from beyond the stars? 885 00:43:25,110 --> 00:43:27,090 I sincerely hope not, Mr, Derleth, 886 00:43:27,090 --> 00:43:29,190 My wife and I have just installed new carpeting, 887 00:43:29,190 --> 00:43:31,160 ( class chuckles ) 888 00:43:31,160 --> 00:43:34,060 Yes, Now, as I was saying before Mr, Derleth, 889 00:43:34,060 --> 00:43:37,060 with commendable solicitude, chose to interrupt, 890 00:43:37,060 --> 00:43:39,080 we have Great Hastur, 891 00:43:39,080 --> 00:43:41,040 who I might point out 892 00:43:41,040 --> 00:43:43,080 is a half-brother to Cthulhu, 893 00:43:43,080 --> 00:43:44,110 the next name 894 00:43:44,110 --> 00:43:46,100 on our prestigious list-- 895 00:43:46,100 --> 00:43:49,010 Lord of the R'lyeh, Cthulhu, 896 00:43:49,010 --> 00:43:50,130 Every time I pronounce that name, 897 00:43:50,130 --> 00:43:52,210 I'm tempted to say "gesundheit," 898 00:43:52,210 --> 00:43:55,120 ( thunder rumbling ) 899 00:43:55,120 --> 00:44:00,010 Uh, Cthulhu actually predates Nyarlathotep 900 00:44:00,010 --> 00:44:02,030 and is said to have been worshiped in the ( inaudible ) 901 00:44:02,030 --> 00:44:03,190 by the first humans, 902 00:44:03,190 --> 00:44:06,090 Then, there's dear old Azathoth, 903 00:44:06,090 --> 00:44:08,230 ( Powerful rumbling ) 904 00:44:11,010 --> 00:44:14,000 Lord of all Things, 905 00:44:14,000 --> 00:44:15,070 Shub-Niggurath,,, 906 00:44:15,070 --> 00:44:18,110 ( powerful rumbling ) 907 00:44:18,110 --> 00:44:20,190 wife to Hastur, 908 00:44:20,190 --> 00:44:22,020 Oh, sorry, Mr, Derleth, 909 00:44:22,020 --> 00:44:24,020 I said that name again, 910 00:44:24,020 --> 00:44:26,010 I must remember to tell my wife to set places 911 00:44:26,010 --> 00:44:28,210 for two unexpected guests, 912 00:44:28,210 --> 00:44:31,090 And finally, last but not least, 913 00:44:31,090 --> 00:44:32,230 Yog-Sothoth, 914 00:44:32,230 --> 00:44:35,200 the "Lurker at the Threshold," 915 00:44:35,200 --> 00:44:37,130 ( thunder crashing ) 916 00:44:39,080 --> 00:44:42,190 My, my, seems to be a summer storm coming up, 917 00:44:42,190 --> 00:44:44,160 I trust you all brought your bumbershoots, 918 00:44:44,160 --> 00:44:46,040 ( chuckles ) 919 00:44:46,040 --> 00:44:49,100 Yes, well, I guess that disposes of the gods, 920 00:44:49,100 --> 00:44:52,120 It reads like an Albanian vaudeville program, doesn't it? 921 00:44:52,120 --> 00:44:54,130 Ladies and gentlemen, presenting for the first time 922 00:44:54,130 --> 00:44:57,000 on any stage anywhere, Shub-Niggurath 923 00:44:57,000 --> 00:44:58,080 and her performing Cthulhus, 924 00:44:58,080 --> 00:45:01,060 ( thunder explodes ) 925 00:45:09,060 --> 00:45:11,060 PEABODY: Uh, yes, Mr, Lovecraft 926 00:45:11,060 --> 00:45:13,000 without whose esoteric contributions, 927 00:45:13,000 --> 00:45:14,160 no seminar would be complete, 928 00:45:14,160 --> 00:45:17,080 - You have a question, sir? - Yes, 929 00:45:17,080 --> 00:45:19,040 Wasn't there a book, 930 00:45:19,040 --> 00:45:20,170 a Grand Grimoire, 931 00:45:20,170 --> 00:45:22,210 - a testament? - Indeed, there was, 932 00:45:22,210 --> 00:45:24,190 Mr, Lovecraft, indeed, there was, 933 00:45:24,190 --> 00:45:26,160 And through a fortuitous circumstance 934 00:45:26,160 --> 00:45:28,150 I have in my possession, 935 00:45:28,150 --> 00:45:30,110 a copy of it, 936 00:45:30,110 --> 00:45:33,100 ( thunder crashes ) 937 00:45:36,040 --> 00:45:38,150 Sparing no expense, I bring to you, 938 00:45:38,150 --> 00:45:41,050 direct from the library of the Miskatonic University, 939 00:45:41,050 --> 00:45:43,030 a manuscript of that most infamous 940 00:45:43,030 --> 00:45:45,070 of all cabalistic treatises, 941 00:45:45,070 --> 00:45:46,090 The Necronomicon, 942 00:45:46,090 --> 00:45:48,150 by Abdul Alhazred, 943 00:45:48,150 --> 00:45:50,220 translated from the Arabic into Greek 944 00:45:50,220 --> 00:45:53,100 by Theodorus Philetas, AD 950, 945 00:45:53,100 --> 00:45:55,100 from Greek to Latin by Olaus Wormius, 946 00:45:55,100 --> 00:45:57,220 AD 1228, black letter edition, 947 00:45:57,220 --> 00:45:59,160 Germany, circa 1400, 948 00:45:59,160 --> 00:46:01,150 What we have here, my dear students, 949 00:46:01,150 --> 00:46:04,000 is the equivalent of a paperback edition, 950 00:46:04,000 --> 00:46:06,080 but we must be grateful for small favors 951 00:46:06,080 --> 00:46:07,110 since I'm given to understand 952 00:46:07,110 --> 00:46:09,200 that even this is a scarce item, 953 00:46:09,200 --> 00:46:12,060 owing to the fact that, uh, unlike other volumes 954 00:46:12,060 --> 00:46:14,100 of demonology and necromancy, 955 00:46:14,100 --> 00:46:16,200 it was rigidly suppressed down 956 00:46:16,200 --> 00:46:19,140 to the centuries, which serves to prove 957 00:46:19,140 --> 00:46:22,080 that not all fools are out buying Edsels, 958 00:46:22,080 --> 00:46:24,140 ( thunder rumbling ) 959 00:46:24,140 --> 00:46:26,130 PEABODY: This overblown gibberish, 960 00:46:26,130 --> 00:46:28,060 and I have read it all, 961 00:46:28,060 --> 00:46:30,000 is as corruptively harmful 962 00:46:30,000 --> 00:46:31,220 as the Farmer's Almanac, 963 00:46:31,220 --> 00:46:34,200 ( thunder explodes ) 964 00:46:37,230 --> 00:46:40,060 I have selected a few 965 00:46:40,060 --> 00:46:42,130 representative passages to read aloud to you, 966 00:46:42,130 --> 00:46:43,230 The text itself, 967 00:46:43,230 --> 00:46:45,210 more than any observations I might offer, 968 00:46:45,210 --> 00:46:48,160 should prove to you just how imbecilicly laughable 969 00:46:48,160 --> 00:46:50,180 this entire religion is, 970 00:46:53,060 --> 00:46:54,130 Uh, Mr, Lovecraft, 971 00:46:54,130 --> 00:46:55,200 you're bestirring yourself again, 972 00:46:55,200 --> 00:46:58,040 May I anticipate your question? 973 00:46:58,040 --> 00:47:00,140 Isn't it written that,,, 974 00:47:00,140 --> 00:47:01,220 PEABODY: Yes, it is, Mr, Lovecraft, 975 00:47:01,220 --> 00:47:04,010 It is written, and in terribly, 976 00:47:04,010 --> 00:47:05,090 terribly bad penmanship, 977 00:47:05,090 --> 00:47:06,110 I might add, 978 00:47:09,020 --> 00:47:11,160 "All who behold this book will fall ere 979 00:47:11,160 --> 00:47:13,230 to ghastly consequences," 980 00:47:13,230 --> 00:47:15,210 Whereupon, I can only say, Mr, Lovecraft, 981 00:47:15,210 --> 00:47:18,020 that having injudiciously partaken 982 00:47:18,020 --> 00:47:19,100 of the blue plate special this noon 983 00:47:19,100 --> 00:47:20,190 at the campus cafeteria, 984 00:47:20,190 --> 00:47:22,110 I can imagine no consequences 985 00:47:22,110 --> 00:47:24,200 more ghastly than the indigestion 986 00:47:24,200 --> 00:47:27,100 which is bedeviling me at the moment, 987 00:47:27,100 --> 00:47:30,110 ( thunder crashes ) 988 00:47:30,110 --> 00:47:33,070 My, this is unseasonable weather we're having, 989 00:47:34,130 --> 00:47:36,150 I'm half-tempted to suspend class 990 00:47:36,150 --> 00:47:39,010 so that we can all go out and knit snoods 991 00:47:39,010 --> 00:47:40,030 for the strawberry crop, 992 00:47:40,030 --> 00:47:41,160 No, no, no, no 993 00:47:41,160 --> 00:47:44,050 I merely said half-tempted, Steady yourselves, 994 00:47:44,050 --> 00:47:47,030 ( thunder crashing ) 995 00:47:50,060 --> 00:47:52,140 "Never is it to be thought, 996 00:47:52,140 --> 00:47:54,100 "that man is either oldest or last 997 00:47:54,100 --> 00:47:56,030 "of the masters of Earth, 998 00:47:56,030 --> 00:47:57,060 "nor that the greater part 999 00:47:57,060 --> 00:48:00,030 "of substances walks alone, 1000 00:48:00,030 --> 00:48:02,010 "The Old Ones were, 1001 00:48:02,010 --> 00:48:04,000 "the Old Ones are, 1002 00:48:04,000 --> 00:48:06,120 "and the Old Ones shall be, 1003 00:48:06,120 --> 00:48:08,220 "They walk calm and primal, 1004 00:48:08,220 --> 00:48:10,030 "of no dimension, 1005 00:48:10,030 --> 00:48:12,070 "and to us, unseen, 1006 00:48:12,070 --> 00:48:15,000 "They walk foul in lonely places 1007 00:48:15,000 --> 00:48:16,150 "where the words have been spoken 1008 00:48:16,150 --> 00:48:18,200 "and the rites howled through their seasons, 1009 00:48:18,200 --> 00:48:20,100 "which are in the blood 1010 00:48:20,100 --> 00:48:23,090 "and differ from the seasons of man, 1011 00:48:24,230 --> 00:48:27,060 "The winds gibber with their voices, 1012 00:48:27,060 --> 00:48:29,180 "the earth mutters with their consciousness, 1013 00:48:29,180 --> 00:48:30,230 "They bend the forest, 1014 00:48:30,230 --> 00:48:33,020 "They raise up the waves, 1015 00:48:33,020 --> 00:48:35,060 "They crush the cities, 1016 00:48:35,060 --> 00:48:37,070 "yet not forest or oceans or cities 1017 00:48:37,070 --> 00:48:39,160 "beholds the hand that smites, 1018 00:48:39,160 --> 00:48:41,150 "As a foulness shall they be known 1019 00:48:41,150 --> 00:48:43,100 "to the race of man, 1020 00:48:43,100 --> 00:48:47,040 "Their hands are at the throats of men forever, 1021 00:48:47,040 --> 00:48:49,030 "from the beginning of known time 1022 00:48:49,030 --> 00:48:51,100 "to the end of time known, 1023 00:48:51,100 --> 00:48:55,020 "Man rules where once they ruled, 1024 00:48:55,020 --> 00:48:57,090 "Soon, they shall rule again 1025 00:48:57,090 --> 00:48:59,210 "where men rules now, 1026 00:48:59,210 --> 00:49:01,200 "They shall return, 1027 00:49:01,200 --> 00:49:03,070 "And on this returning 1028 00:49:03,070 --> 00:49:05,210 "shall Great Cthulhu be free 1029 00:49:05,210 --> 00:49:08,040 "from R'lyeh beneath the sea, 1030 00:49:08,040 --> 00:49:10,090 "And him who is not to be named 1031 00:49:10,090 --> 00:49:12,050 "shall come from his city, 1032 00:49:12,050 --> 00:49:15,000 "which is Carcosa, near the Lake of Hali, 1033 00:49:15,000 --> 00:49:17,180 "And Shub-Niggurath shall come forth 1034 00:49:17,180 --> 00:49:20,210 "and multiply in her hideousness, 1035 00:49:20,210 --> 00:49:23,090 "And Nyarlathotep shall carry the word 1036 00:49:23,090 --> 00:49:25,160 "of the Great Old Ones and their minions, 1037 00:49:25,160 --> 00:49:28,220 "And Yog-Sothoth, who is all in one 1038 00:49:28,220 --> 00:49:32,000 "and one in all, just lay his hand upon that 1039 00:49:32,000 --> 00:49:35,020 "who oppose him and destroy, 1040 00:49:35,020 --> 00:49:37,160 "Then, from the black-litten caverns 1041 00:49:37,160 --> 00:49:39,070 "within the earth 1042 00:49:39,070 --> 00:49:41,010 "where all these chaos 1043 00:49:41,010 --> 00:49:44,020 "and destruction shall come 1044 00:49:44,020 --> 00:49:46,230 "the noxious Azathoth, 1045 00:49:46,230 --> 00:49:48,040 "and together 1046 00:49:48,040 --> 00:49:50,030 "they will take possession 1047 00:49:50,030 --> 00:49:53,150 of all things that live upon Earth," 1048 00:49:53,150 --> 00:49:56,130 ( thunder crashing ) 1049 00:50:03,220 --> 00:50:05,100 ( woman shrieks ) 1050 00:50:05,100 --> 00:50:08,030 ( thunder rumbling ) 1051 00:50:17,040 --> 00:50:20,060 PEABODY: And now, if there are no further questions,,, 1052 00:50:24,220 --> 00:50:27,200 ( music playing ) 75303