Original subtitles

( music playing )

ANNOUNCER: Starring tonight,

Patty Duke,

Carl Reiner,

Virginia Mayo,

John Carradine,

David Wayne,

and Cesar Romero,

( music playing )

Good evening,

A most cordial welcome

to a display of canvasses

from which you might call

the Mausoleum School of Art,

subject, a common enough item

utilized by teenagers

and tycoons,

The daily journal in which we

notate the happenings

of our day to day existence,

but in this instance,

a unique periodical

that doesn't record what was,

but rather

predicts what will be,

It's title, "The Diary",

It's our initial offering

in the Night Gallery,

( music playing )

WOMAN ( on TV ):

And on this New Year's Eve,

we come to our last item,

the Holly Schaeffer portfolio

of particularly

unpalatable people,

Tonight's subject,

Miss Carrie Crane,

movie star emeritus,

If you're over the age of 50,

the name may tug

at your memory,

I was never a fan of Miss

Crane's thespic talent,

or lack thereof

and I am currently

less than a fan

of her nocturnal antics,

Said antics of this

somewhat faded

and jaded relic

of Max Sennett

having to do with

being picked up last night

for drunk

and disorderly conduct

on the Sunset Strip,

This is a picture

of the event,

This was her third adventure

in his many weeks,

Take a look at the calendar,

Carrie, darling,

it's December of 1970,

Prohibition has passed us by,

Hollywood is the

Fondas and the Hondas,

It's no longer

Fairbanks and Pickford

and lesser lights,

like Miss Carrie Crane,

so stop acting, Miss Crane,

as if you were

a pushy ingenue on the way up

because you aren't

and you're not,

You're an aging broad who makes

spectacle of herself,

like the Wicked Witch

of the West in hot pants,

Elsewhere on this

New Year's Eve,,,

Miss Crane,

I'd recognize you anywhere,

Miss Schaeffer's apartment,

please,

She's having a party

and I can't let anyone up

without her permission,

Uh, maybe, uh,,,

Maybe one exception,

for old time's sake?

I just wanna wish

her a happy new year,

Oh, I'd-- I'd like to

accommodate you, Miss Crane,

- but,,,

- Please, it's important to me,

I'll just stay a moment,

( music playing )

( indistinct chatter )

( off-key trombone notes

blaring )

( all conversation stops,

music still playing )

Well, look who's here,

Fresh from a triumphant

engagement

with the West Hollywood

drunk tank,

Holly, can't we adjourn this

to another room?

And deny our guests

of a scene

of such potentially

heart-rending melodrama?

Over here, all right,

Miss Crane?

HOLLY: A superb

business manager, my Jeb,

but a lousy showman,

If you two girls

will excuse me,

In case there's

any bloodletting,

I'd just as soon

have a witness,

Now, my darling,

if it's not too presumptuous

of me to ask,

how did you get up

here uninvited?

The guard downstairs

was very kind,

He remembered me,

Oh, how nice,

Well, he's going to have

an even better reason

to remember you after this,

every Friday

at the unemployment office,

Now, about that package

you're clutching,

don't tell me,

let me guess,

It's a pearl-handled revolver

all primed and loaded,

Nothing quite so lethal,

I regret to say,

HOLLY:

Then a peace offering perhaps

or a bribe?

A little something intended

to lever my foot

from the back of your neck?

How very much

like you, Holly,

to look for motives

in dark places,

You give the worst, so that's

what you expect from everyone,

Now comes the plaint of lament

about her lost man,

the one I stole,

And what would you call it?

HOLLY: Incredible,

To be on Earth

as long as you have

and not to know

that a man isn't stolen,

He's relinquished,

As for the towheaded

bronco rider

who occasionally

squired you about,

you're right,

He did sort of

gravitate my way,

But then, that is the way

of the world, isn't it?

The rich get richer,

and the old broads

get older,

And after him,

the heir apparent,

Tell me, Mr, Harlan,

is your ex-wife

as philosophical

as I'm supposed to be?

No, As a matter of fact,

she's not,

If either of you

need a tourniquet,

I'll be outside,

Well,

in a life already notorious

for spectacular booboos,

you've hit an all-time high,

If you thought tonight's

telecast was something,

catch me tomorrow,

Well, before you heave me out

on my ear, Holly,

aren't you the least

bit curious

to know what's

in this package?

It's a diary, Holly,

I bought it in

an obscure little shop,

They sell

funny little things,

Curios, potions,

talismans,

all sorts of peculiar

little items,

I paid an enormous

sum of money for it,

Words cannot

adequately describe

my profound,,,

emotions,

Good night, grandmother,

( "Auld Lang Syne" playing )

( indistinct chatter )

"New Year's Day,

"a bummer all the way around,

"Can't shake

that miserable disquiet

"over Crane's suicide,,,

"and how typically hambone

to do it on New Year's Eve,

"Can't make it in life,

so do it in death,

"But even so,

an ugly little preface

to what I hope

is a better new year,"

It's my handwriting,

but I didn't write it,

( screams )

( alarmed shouts, murmurs )

( whistle blows )

( music playing )

HOLLY: Jeb,

Hey, go back to sleep,

Only the milkmen

are up and about,

I can't,

I couldn't,

What about you?

Did you sleep at all?

Oh, in spurts,

It wasn't easy,

Well, it's morning,

a new day,

Explain it to me,

Explain what?

What you couldn't explain

last night,

I have never

written in this diary,

and Carrie Crane

had no sooner left

when the first page

was filled in,

And then minutes later,

she walks in front of a car,

Holly,

No honey, I don't--

I don't wanna be held

and I don't wanna be humored,

I want answers,

Please don't look at me

as if you can't decide

whether to flag

the next elevator

or book me a reservation

in a rubber room,

A simple answer

to an impossible question,

how did an entry

in my handwriting

appear in this diary

describing a suicide

before it even happened?

She planted it

in your mind, darling,

Something she said,

the way she acted,

that's why you wrote it,

I didn't write it,

I tell you,

I never touched that thing,

Holly, what other explanation

is there?

I guess you're right,

There's my girl,

We'll just leave it at that

and forget it, agreed?

I'm gonna go put on

some coffee,

If your head is half

as big as mine is,

we're both

red-blanket cases,

I never did like

that broad anyway,

She was a vindictive lush,

You know what she called me?

A direct quote, my dear,

She said I was a malignant

cross breed

between a vulture

and a hotel dick,

Well, she's dead anyway,

so who cares?

Holly,

Yeah?

You said only the first page

was filled in, right?

HOLLY: That's right,

Well, the second page

is filled in too,

"January 2nd,

Didn't work last night,

"should've gone to the desert

or up to Arrowhead,

"but no sun in one

and no snow in the other,

"so just stayed home,

To top everything off,

the phone was out of order,"

I didn't write that either,

( music playing )

Oh, I'll help you with those,

Miss Schaeffer?

You just sit where you are,

Georgie Porgie,

The last time

you got into the act,

I wasn't too crazy

about the results,

Well, I wanted to apologize

about Miss Crane the night

before last, but she said

she had this present for you,

- HOLLY: Yeah,

- A terrible thing,

Terrible,

She was a real beauty

in her time,

Well, that day has long

fled the premises,

Georgie,

so you just remember that

the next time

you feel your heart melting

over some antique

has-been, hmm?

I don't care if they wheel in

a gift-wrapped Rolls-Royce,

You keep them out of my digs,

You read me, Georgie?

Yes, ma'am,

Oh, Miss Schaeffer,

I thought you was

at the television studio,

Say again?

I figured you'd be

at the studio by now

getting ready to tape

your show,

Oh, there's plenty

of time yet,

I've got

at least an hour,

I want this thing burned,

Did you say burn?

Burned,

incinerated, cremated,

And finish up later,

will you?

WOMAN: How much later,

Miss Schaeffer?

I was hoping to get home

a little early tonight,

All right, then,

Just leave it

and do it tomorrow,

( gasps )

Miss Schaeffer,

are you all right?

I busted it,

I busted the telephone,

HOLLY: Well, you've listened

to my bizarre little tale,

What's your professional

assessment, Doctor?

Do I have the necessary

requirements

for a tour of duty

on that couch over there?

You make it sound like

a punishment, Miss Schaeffer,

HOLLY: Well, coming here

wasn't my idea, it was Jeb's,

Mr, Harlan's,

Soft, gentle,

friendly persuasion,

Go get your head examined,

lover,

You say there have been

two notations

predicting future events

and all these events

came to pass?

A suicide,

my phone being out of order,

and missing tonight's show,

You canceled your show,

Miss Schaeffer,

in order that I might

fit you in,

It was entirely

your own doing,

Had you waited until tomorrow,

gone ahead

and done your program,

then you would've

foiled the prophecy,

Is this not true?

And the other things,

you're gonna tell me that those

were of my own doing too?

It was you who dropped

the telephone,

If nothing else,

you must admit

that you've been a very

cooperative accomplice,

Next, you'll have me convinced

that I pushed Carrie Crane

in front of that car,

Well, that's what they'd

like you to believe, isn't it?

Suicide?

It's their parting gift,

an act of punishment,

They'd like us to feel

responsible for their death,

DR, MILL: It can be,

sometimes,

In this case, I'm inclined

to agree with you,

The explanation

is insufficient to our needs,

That's wonderful, Doctor,

Thirty-five bucks an hour

to find out something

that I knew before I came

through that door,

Oh, I'm not without a theory,

There have been cases

like this, Miss Schaeffer,

They're not covered

by psychiatry, however,

Well what then?

It has to do with

certain forms

of clairvoyance, telepathy,

An area called hyperesthesia,

That'd make a great

lounge act in Vegas,

If instead of appearing

in your diary

you had actually seen it,

had visions of it,

I think we might call it

paranormal precognition,

It's rare,

but it's not unheard of,

In your case,

I think what's happening

is an altogether

subconscious compulsion

to write these visions down,

with no recollection, however,

of having done so,

That's the weenie, hmm?

My subconscious

is the culprit,

Thank you very much, Doctor,

The next time I have a problem,

I'll take it

to Popular Mechanics,

Your hour isn't up yet,

That's okay,

Keep the change,

You spoke earlier

of the accusations

Miss Crane leveled at you,

Wouldn't you like

to explore those?

In walks Sigmund Freud,

Did I hate my mother?

Did I love my father?

What's my position

on women's lib?

Look, I'll give you

Holly Schaeffer

in one terse,

cogent paragraph,

I grew up

in a tenement building,

I had to scrounge

for what I got,

Nobody gave me anything,

I had to take it,

And that included?

Everything,

And no guilts, Doctor,

No guilts at all,

I see,

You see?

You see nothing,

You think you see,

The classic guilt

neurosis--

the lady

is a predatory grabber,

lady can't face it,

lady would like to hide it

in her subconscious,

Lady sublimates it

by making kooky entries

in a diary,

and has no idea--

"January 3rd,

"A black day,

"Jeb is gone,

"A man I loved wiped out

for no good reason,

"I can't live with his death,

"I can't live with

a knowledge that somehow,

"in a manner both

mysterious and unfathomable,

"I was responsible,

"This whole thing must end,

"I can endure no more of it,

"The wrong people are dying,

"I may be able

to justify my sins,

"but I can no longer

forgive them,

Dear, God, After this,

how do I live with myself?"

Where is he?

Where's Mr, Harlan?

He was--he was gone

over an hour ago,

In fact,

he should be landing

in San Francisco about now,

Miss Schaeffer,

San Francisco?

Uh-hmm, Business,

In fact, some of your

investments, I believe,

My--

look, I've got to reach him,

I got to talk

to him immediately,

I don't see how,

I don't even know

what hotel he stopped at,

You see, he left so suddenly

there was not even time

to make reservations,

Look, I've got to talk to him,

Don't you understand that?

Well, I'm sure

he'll be telephoning in

tomorrow morning,

first thing,

Yes, of course he will,

Well, look, when he calls,

you tell him to stay put,

not to leave that hotel

for anything,

You've got to tell him that,

Miss Schaeffer,

if you could just tell me

what this is all about,

perhaps,,,

Oh, I'll tell you

what it's about,

You tell him that if

he doesn't anchor himself

to some real estate tomorrow,

he's gonna wind up

in the obituaries,

Tell him that's the way

it is in the diary,

You've got

to tell him that!

You've got to tell him,

You've just got to tell

him that,

Somebody's got to tell him,

You've got to tell him,

Tell him, tell him, tell him,

( whispered voice echoing )

You've got to tell him,

tell him, tell him, tell him,

You mustn't blame yourself,

You were hysterical,

I couldn't control you,

I thought perhaps

if he were here--

So when he phoned me

last night,

anxious to know

how our consultation

had gone,

I expressed my concern to him,

He was on his way

to the San Francisco airport

when it happened,

He was killed instantly,

Everything I touch turns

to graveyards,

Everything,

He phoned me,

I was the reason

he was hurrying back, not you,

Because of me, Doctor,

Don't you see?

Because of me,

I'm 29 years old,

and in all those years,

I've only loved once, Jeb,

Just Jeb, no one else,

I think if he'd asked me

pretty please,

I'd have died for him,

Tell me, Doctor,

What have I got to show

for those 29 years?

A fancy high-rise apartment,

catalog of victims,

and a growing

list of corpses,

That's a pretty

pathetic inventory,

wouldn't you say?

Miss Schaeffer,,,

Maybe I'll retire television's

foremost hatchet lady,

Put my talent--

what did you call it,,,

precognition--

to more productive use,

The ponies maybe,

Pimlico, Hialeah,

Saratoga, Hollywood Park,

All I have to do

is look in the diary,

check the winners

and make my bets,

It's like having a copy

of tomorrow's newspaper,

How can I lose?

Nine horses, nine winners,

What is it?

There's nothing written in it,

January 4 is a blank page,

Miss Schaeffer,

throw that thing way,

Get rid of it,

What good would that do?

Do you think

for a moment that

I don't realize

what this means?

Just because there's nothing

written on this page

doesn't signify

that it bears no meaning,

Last entry, January 3rd,

"The wrong people are dying,

Dear, God, After this,

how do I live with myself?"

Can't you understand

now why it's blank?

Last entry,

Holly gives it to Holly,

You dig, shrink?

Next entry, nothing,

The page is blank

because I won't be alive

to write in it,

Not after tomorrow,

Nurse?

Nurse, I've got to see

Dr, Mill,

You've got

to get him for me,

Nurse?

Do you hear me?

Nurse, are you there?

Can't you hear me?

Get me Dr, Mill,

Nurse!

I didn't wanna disturb you,

Doctor, but I,,,

Dr, Mill!

I've got to see Dr, Mill!

That has been going on

all evening,

I'll look in on it,

Yes, Miss Schaeffer?

Schaeffer?

Never heard of her,

Nobody here

but us historical figures,

Me?

I'm Napoleon's

favorite mistress,

Next door, we have Delilah,

who's planning the grand opening

of a men's barber shop,

Down the hall, there's a lady

who recites a lot,

goes by the name

of Sarah Bernhardt,

- Just historical figures,

( giggles )

Historical,

historical figures!

The nurse said

you were calling for me,

It's almost 12:00,

In a few minutes,

it's gonna be January 5th,

I know,

Well, I asked the nurse

for a pen or a pencil

and she wouldn't

let me have it,

DR, MILL: You know why,

Miss Schaeffer,

Coming here was your idea,

You laid down

the ground rules,

No sheets,

no ropes,

no silverware,

no plates, nothing sharp,

No instruments at all

with which you might do

yourself bodily harm,

I know,

but I've been thinking

about it,

Maybe I was wrong,

See, I just assumed

when I read that last entry

in the diary

that because

the page was blank,

I was automatically

gonna do myself in,

But I ruled out the prospect

of natural causes,

A heart attack,

a massive cerebral hemorrhage,

an unexpected aneurism,

You're in perfect

physical health, Miss Schaeffer,

You read about it every day,

People with no past

medical history

all of a sudden dropping dead,

so don't tell me

it can't happen to me,

It can and it will unless--

But I can beat the rap,

I have a plan,

I have it all figured out,

It's so simple,

it's crazy,

I mean, I don't know why

I didn't think of it before,

The page is blank, yes?

Don't you see?

I mean, it's so obvious,

it's ridiculous,

All I have to do

is write something

on that blank page,

I don't have to die,

I can write anything,

Anything at all,

If I write on the page,

it means nothing happened to me,

don't you see?

I mean, how could I write

something if I was already dead?

Doctor, in 10 minutes

it's going to be 12:00,

For God's sake,

please get me a pen,

I'll be right back,

In the upper right-hand drawer,

you'll find a pen,

Would you give it to me, please?

All right,

Are you going to let her

have it?

MILL: You're new on this ward,

aren't you?

I--it's my first shift,

I thought so,

Otherwise, you'd know,

we give her a pen every evening,

Every evening, Doctor?

MILL: Yes, Miss Schaeffer

has been a patient

at this sanitarium

going on five years now,

HOLLY: Hurry, Doctor,

hurry!

Yes, Miss Schaeffer,

I'm hurrying,

( music playing )

Oh, 7:00 already,

I haven't realized

it was so late,

- Well, this is the last one,

- Okay,

DRACULA: If you do not mind,

I have this thing about mirrors,

Oh, won't you sit down,

please,

DRACULA: Oh, thank you,

This won't take long,

Your name, please?

Count Dracula,

WOMAN: Your address?

DRACULA: Post Office Box 13,

Bistritz, Transylvania,

This is most generous of you,

Your, uh, do I say highness?

Your Eminence will suffice,

Your Eminence,

After all, it's not often

that we get people

of your station in life,

especially foreign visitors

to our sunny shores,

Which is a shame

because the cause,

as you well know,

is a worthy one,

Oh, I can think

of none worthier,

( chuckles )

You, uh, keep looking

at our equipment,

There's nothing to be afraid of,

you know,

Afraid?

Me?

Good,

Well, it's just that some people

are trifle squeamish

on their first visit,

DRACULA: Oh, young lady,

I am never squeamish,

Oh, good,

because after all

it is only one pint,

Oh, but one pint will not do,

- Won't do?

- Better make it three,

Three?

Oh, Your Eminence,

it's most commendable of you

but I'm afraid it's impossible,

Oh, I can see that this

is the first time you've given,

Uh, there appears

to be a slight misunderstanding,

- Your Eminence?

- Young lady,

this is a blood bank?

Certainly,

DRACULA: Uh, well, then,

I wish to apply for a loan,

( music playing )

Our painting reminds us that

there's a strange fascination

of digging holes

alongside ancient oaks,

You give the average man

a shovel and an X on a map,

and the fantasies

come thick and fast--

pirate gold,

hidden confederate treasure,

and sometimes the unexpected,

and sometimes, the unwelcome,

Hence, the title,

"Big Surprise",

( music playing )

JASON: Uh-oh, There he is,

- What do you think he wants?

- Why don't you ask him?

DAN: Are you kidding?

I wouldn't go near him

for a million dollars,

Has anybody ever gone there?

Not unless they were crazy,

HAWKINS: Come here,

I have something to tell you,

He means you, Chris,

Does not,

HAWKINS:

You, with the blue jacket,

- See, he does mean you,

- So, what?

Don't be afraid, lad,

I won't hurt you,

Go on,

See what he wants,

- You chicken?

- Shut up,

HAWKINS: I won't hurt you,

Come here,

JASON: Well, go on,

He is a chicken,

I am not,

Go talk to him then,

HAWKINS: Hey,

JASON: Go on,

You're so brave,

why don't you do it?

JASON: Trying to get out of it?

I'm not trying to get out

of anything,

Then, do it,

( music playing )

All right,

That's it--that's it, lad,

Come a little closer,

( music playing )

You're not afraid

of old Mr, Hawkins, are you?

I'm not afraid of anything,

That's a lad,

What's your name?

Chris,

Well, Chris,

how would you like

a big surprise?

Huh?

You know where

Miller's Field is?

You know where that

great big oak tree is?

Go to that tree,

face the steeple of the church,

- you understand?

- Yeah,

Walk ten paces,

dig down four feet,

understand?

Walk ten paces,

dig down four feet,

And there you'll find

a great big surprise,

( laughs )

Don't forget,

JASON: What did he say?

CHRIS: ( inaudible )

JASON: Oh, come on, man

( inaudible )

( music playing )

CHRIS: Do you think

there's something down there,

- really?

- JASON: Nah,

There's nothing down there,

CHRIS:

Why did he tell me there was?

JASON: He's pulling a prank,

CHRIS: Yeah, but why?

What could it do to him?

He wouldn't know if we dug

the hole or not,

He's always at home,

How do you know?

CHRIS:

Because he's always there,

Have you ever seen him leave?

Has anybody?

It's a prank,

Yeah, Well, what if it isn't?

All right, Then, what is it?

Well, suppose

it's money down there,

Did he say there was?

Well, he wouldn't say,

He'd just let you find it, huh?

And after you found it,

you go running back

and give it to him, I suppose,

Yeah, I would,

Like fun you would,

And he knows it,

That's why there's no money

down there,

- BOY: What if there is, though?

- What?

No, really,

He's old, ain't he?

Maybe money don't mean nothing

to him anymore,

Maybe he's one of those

crazy guys

who likes to give money

to people

because it makes him feel good,

Well, there's only one way

we can find out,

What are you going to dig with,

your hands?

We'll go borrow some shovels

from Miller's barn,

You want to?

We'd be wasting our time,

CHRIS: I'm going to do it,

DAN: Me, too,

Waste of time,

( music playing )

One, two,

three, four,

five, six,

seven, eight,

nine, ten,

( music playing )

Stupid,

( panting )

You dig a while now,

You don't dig, you don't share,

Share what?

There's nothing down there,

Then why don't you just go home?

Get out of the way, then,

- Well, how about you?

- I've been digging!,

Well, dig some more,

I'm not going to do it

all by myself, you know,

( music playing )

It's four-feet deep,

It is not,

It is,

No,

JASON: It is,

I told you

he was pulling a prank,

He's probably rolling

on his floor right now,

laughing like crazy

thinking of us,

And you out here digging

this stupid hole,

It's not four-feet yet,

It is four-feet,

and I'm clearing out,

You do that, and you're not

going to be able share,

Share, what? Dirt?

Are you coming?

( wind whooshing )

CHRIS: Then, you're not going

to get the share either,

Come on, let's go to my house

and get something to eat,

CHRIS: Don't come running back

to me after I find it,

JASON: What a jerk,

You'll be sorry,

So long, digger,

( wind whooshing )

Dig another foot,

( music playing )

( sarcastically )

Can we have some, Chris?

No, it's mine, All mine,

( music playing )

( thud )

Hey,

Why should I?

( creaking )

Surprise,

( laughing )

( music playing )

Our final offering,

a study in depth of a gentleman

from the academe,

seen here at the lectern

delivering the most

scholarly treatise,

This particular class,

I don't think

you'd want to cut,

The painting's title,

"Professor Peabody's

Last Lecture,"

( music playing )

( bell tolling )

PEABODY: During the past term,

we have covered

the field of pagan

religious cults,

Taking in such

far-ranging subjects

as Kali, the Druids,

Thoth, Adramelech,

the Dionysian Mysteries,

Obeah and the Red Voodoo Sect,

Satanism, Moloch, Efreet,

the East Indian Benjies,

and the Magna Mater,

All of them viewed

from the perspective

of an enlightened 20th Century--

how patently barbaric,

And if I may say so, childish,

Childish, that is, in the sense

it's childish to believe

that Clark Kent,

in the guise of Superman,

can leap over tall buildings

in a single bound,

Yes, Mr, Bloch?

Were they really

so childish, sir?

Superstition had a way

of explaining things,

Things that otherwise were too,

uh, bewildering,

too frightening to face,

Balderdash, superstition is

and always has been

a bottleneck in the path

of progress,

Primeval man was out

making sacrifices

to non-existing gods

when he should

have been directing

his energies to harnessing

the elements,

Now, where was I?

Oh, yes, this should

interest you, Mr, Bloch,

since it illustrates my point,

We will, this afternoon,

discuss what is indisputedly

the most outlandishly

preposterous

of all the ancient cults,

One which inexplicably

took root about, uh,

well, as recently

as 50 years ago

in Arkham, Massachusetts,

I refer to the worship

of a group of obscure gods

known as the Great Old Ones,

Uh, you know, as incredibly

bizarre as it may seem to

us now sitting here in our

air-conditioned classrooms,

no advanced study

of comparative religion

would be complete without

a brief examination of them,

if only for the laughs,

Well, now I have here,

you will observe,

a list of names,

These are the so called

major gods,

How they arrived

at their pecking order

is anybody's guess,

Perhaps they won their stripes

in some antediluvian crap game,

Nyarlathotep,

Nyarlathotep,

the "Crawling Chaos,"

Reputedly the first deity

worshiped in Olden Egypt,

Umr at-Tawil,

"The Most Ancient One,"

whose terrible powers

have been feared

by all the world

since Loma arose from the sea

and the children of fire

came to teach

the elder law to men,

Reads rather like a press

agent's handout, doesn't it?

Providing he was

on lysergic acid

at the time he wrote it,

( thunder rumbles )

Next, we have Hastur,

"The Unspeakable,"

- DERLETH: Sir?

- Yes, Mr, Derleth,

Perhaps, I'm mistaken

but, I've done a little outside

reading on this subject,

And isn't the god

you just mentioned,

isn't it

a punishable blasphemy

to speak his name aloud?

Punishable by who, Mr, Derleth?

Having unwittingly committed

the fatal faux pas,

am I now to expect

the midnight visitation

from some tentacled monstrosity

from beyond the stars?

I sincerely hope not,

Mr, Derleth,

My wife and I have

just installed new carpeting,

( class chuckles )

Yes, Now, as I was saying

before Mr, Derleth,

with commendable solicitude,

chose to interrupt,

we have Great Hastur,

who I might point out

is a half-brother to Cthulhu,

the next name

on our prestigious list--

Lord of the R'lyeh, Cthulhu,

Every time I pronounce

that name,

I'm tempted to say "gesundheit,"

( thunder rumbling )

Uh, Cthulhu actually

predates Nyarlathotep

and is said to have been

worshiped in the ( inaudible )

by the first humans,

Then, there's dear old Azathoth,

( Powerful rumbling )

Lord of all Things,

Shub-Niggurath,,,

( powerful rumbling )

wife to Hastur,

Oh, sorry, Mr, Derleth,

I said that name again,

I must remember to tell my wife

to set places

for two unexpected guests,

And finally,

last but not least,

Yog-Sothoth,

the "Lurker at the Threshold,"

( thunder crashing )

My, my, seems to be

a summer storm coming up,

I trust you all brought

your bumbershoots,

( chuckles )

Yes, well, I guess that

disposes of the gods,

It reads like an Albanian

vaudeville program, doesn't it?

Ladies and gentlemen,

presenting for the first time

on any stage anywhere,

Shub-Niggurath

and her performing Cthulhus,

( thunder explodes )

PEABODY: Uh, yes, Mr, Lovecraft

without whose esoteric

contributions,

no seminar would be complete,

- You have a question, sir?

- Yes,

Wasn't there a book,

a Grand Grimoire,

- a testament?

- Indeed, there was,

Mr, Lovecraft,

indeed, there was,

And through a fortuitous

circumstance

I have in my possession,

a copy of it,

( thunder crashes )

Sparing no expense,

I bring to you,

direct from the library

of the Miskatonic University,

a manuscript of that

most infamous

of all cabalistic treatises,

The Necronomicon,

by Abdul Alhazred,

translated from the Arabic

into Greek

by Theodorus Philetas, AD 950,

from Greek to Latin

by Olaus Wormius,

AD 1228, black letter edition,

Germany, circa 1400,

What we have here,

my dear students,

is the equivalent

of a paperback edition,

but we must be grateful

for small favors

since I'm given to understand

that even this is a scarce item,

owing to the fact that,

uh, unlike other volumes

of demonology and necromancy,

it was rigidly suppressed down

to the centuries,

which serves to prove

that not all fools are out

buying Edsels,

( thunder rumbling )

PEABODY:

This overblown gibberish,

and I have read it all,

is as corruptively harmful

as the Farmer's Almanac,

( thunder explodes )

I have selected a few

representative passages

to read aloud to you,

The text itself,

more than any observations

I might offer,

should prove to you just how

imbecilicly laughable

this entire religion is,

Uh, Mr, Lovecraft,

you're bestirring

yourself again,

May I anticipate your question?

Isn't it written that,,,

PEABODY:

Yes, it is, Mr, Lovecraft,

It is written, and in terribly,

terribly bad penmanship,

I might add,

"All who behold this book

will fall ere

to ghastly consequences,"

Whereupon, I can only say,

Mr, Lovecraft,

that having injudiciously

partaken

of the blue plate special

this noon

at the campus cafeteria,

I can imagine no consequences

more ghastly

than the indigestion

which is bedeviling me

at the moment,

( thunder crashes )

My, this is unseasonable

weather we're having,

I'm half-tempted

to suspend class

so that we can all go out

and knit snoods

for the strawberry crop,

No, no, no, no

I merely said half-tempted,

Steady yourselves,

( thunder crashing )

"Never is it to be thought,

"that man is either oldest

or last

"of the masters of Earth,

"nor that the greater part

"of substances walks alone,

"The Old Ones were,

"the Old Ones are,

"and the Old Ones shall be,

"They walk calm and primal,

"of no dimension,

"and to us, unseen,

"They walk foul

in lonely places

"where the words

have been spoken

"and the rites howled

through their seasons,

"which are in the blood

"and differ

from the seasons of man,

"The winds gibber

with their voices,

"the earth mutters

with their consciousness,

"They bend the forest,

"They raise up the waves,

"They crush the cities,

"yet not forest

or oceans or cities

"beholds the hand that smites,

"As a foulness

shall they be known

"to the race of man,

"Their hands are at the throats

of men forever,

"from the beginning

of known time

"to the end of time known,

"Man rules where once

they ruled,

"Soon, they shall rule again

"where men rules now,

"They shall return,

"And on this returning

"shall Great Cthulhu be free

"from R'lyeh

beneath the sea,

"And him who is not to be named

"shall come from his city,

"which is Carcosa,

near the Lake of Hali,

"And Shub-Niggurath

shall come forth

"and multiply

in her hideousness,

"And Nyarlathotep

shall carry the word

"of the Great Old Ones

and their minions,

"And Yog-Sothoth,

who is all in one

"and one in all,

just lay his hand upon that

"who oppose him and destroy,

"Then, from the black-litten

caverns

"within the earth

"where all these chaos

"and destruction shall come

"the noxious Azathoth,

"and together

"they will take possession

of all things

that live upon Earth,"

( thunder crashing )

( woman shrieks )

( thunder rumbling )

PEABODY: And now, if there

are no further questions,,,

( music playing )