Original subtitles

( music playing )

ANNOUNCER:

Starring tonight,

Bill Bixby,

Carol Lynley,

Steve Forrest,

Donna Douglas,

Albert Salmi,

Gilbert Roland,

Lex Barker,

Buddy Ebsen,

and Jim Davis,

Felicitations and greetings

from this cavern of canvases,

dedicated and devoted

to bringing you art lovers

a few in-depth probes

through the crust

of the not quite real,

the almost real,

and the frankly

and flagrantly unreal,

Pictures, paintings, portraits,

rendered onto canvas

with brush

and sometimes claw,

Item number one,

in a $12,50 pine box

reposes the body

of a frontier Franky,

armed but disarming,

a victim of an Old West

philosophy

that any man with a good eye,

a limber finger,

and a well-honed trigger

skirts the pastures

of immortality,

But this chap found out

the hard way

that immortality is a wish,

a word,

but infrequently

a reality,

He awaits your pleasure

in a painting we call

"The Waiting Room,"

( rope creaking )

( horse neighing )

( wind blowing )

( spurs jingling )

Whiskey,

Leave it,

You always this busy?

More or less,

Any less you could plant

this place in winter wheat

and open it up for grazing,

( clock ticking )

Well, don't let me cramp

you, gentlemen,

Go ahead and play,

You're not stopping us,

Mr, Dichter,

You know me?

SOAMES:

The eminent Samuel Dichter,

past master of the six-gun,

the lightning draw,

and a devilish deadly aim,

You're known, Mr, Dichter,

DICHTER:

You got the advantage,

( Bennett chuckles )

Is something funny?

SOAMES:

Sad funny, Mr, Dichter,

that you should think

we had the advantage,

There's no advantage here,

particularly to you,

I'm betting, gentlemen,

Who's that Johnny

I seen strung up on the hill?

Some gunner,

A killer,

Did he have a name?

If he did,

it's no use to him now,

Did you go up there

and watch it?

What'd you say?

The hanging,

did you watch them do it?

Things like that, uh,

don't give me any pleasure,

Well, it never bothered me,

As a matter of fact,

if they kick a little,

squirm around and take

their time doing it,

well, brother,

they don't bother me a bit,

I guess there are some people

who have a taste for death,

You're looking at one, brother,

I got a taste for death

and a talent

for delivering it,

( clock chiming )

SOAMES:

It's 9:00, Mr, McKinley,

( clock ticking )

It's that hour,

DICHTER: You want me to, uh,

take your hand?

McKINLEY: Whatever's

your pleasure, Mr, Dichter,

DICHTER:

I meant till you come back,

SOAMES: He won't be coming

back as well you know,

Mr, Dichter,

As well I know?

Mister, you don't make

a hell of a lot of sense,

I don't know who

he is or where he's going

or what the name

of this town is,

I'm cold and bone tired,

and I saw the lights,

and I come in here

to get warm,

Now, what else

am I supposed to know?

You know me, Sam,

or at least you used to,

McKinley,

Why, Charlie McKinley,

The word was that you was,,,

bushwhacked outside

a saloon in Abilene,

Shot the back

of your head off,

That was the word, huh?

Yeah,

Well, it's nice to see

you walking and warm, Charlie,

I'm relieved,

Are you for a fact, Sam?

Well, just don't get too warm

or too relieved,

( gunshot )

SOAMES: Where

are you going, Mr, Dichter?

You got no ears?

You didn't hear that?

BRISTOL:

We heard,

Are you just gonna sit there?

BENNETT: We're gonna sit

right here, Mr, Dichter,

You're not going out there

and see what happened?

SOAMES:

We know what happened,

Man just got the back

of his head blown off,

I happen to be a,,,

physician,

And I can tell you

unequivocally,,,

the net result

of a shotgun well-aimed

at the back of a man's head,

Instantaneous death,

Mr, McKinley has no need

of anything right now,

except one shovel,,,

one gravedigger,

two strong men

to tote a pine box,

and six feet of earth,

( rain falling )

SOAMES: Care to join us now,

Mr, Dichter?

BRISTOL: There's your hand,

Mr, Dichter,

Jacks or better to open,

- Well?

- Patience, brother,

I got to make damn sure

who I'm playing poker with,

Just old acquaintances,

and don't call me brother,

There's no flesh tying us,

for which I'm grateful,

I'd sooner be kin

to a vulture bird,

I'll make the assumption

you don't know

who you're talking to,

BRISTOL: That's

a dead wrong assumption,

I thought we made it

clear to you,

we know who you are,

You're Sam Dichter,

who fancies himself

lord of the gun,

As we all did once,

BRISTOL: The problem

with you, Dichter,

is you got

no memory for things,

Fast hand,

slow brain,

Now dip into that muddy swamp

you call a brain

and try to stir up

a few recollections,

Bristol,

You're Joe Bristol,

At your service,

I got to be dead drunk,

or crazy,

I saw you gunned down

in Monterey,

I saw it!

Maybe you were dead drunk then,

The hell I was,

It was mid-morning,

hot sun, and a kid,

that fast gun, Auburn,

Max Auburn was his name,

He called you on the street,

he took you

by a second and half,

You were a corpse

before you hit the ground,

( chair clatters on floor )

I know what it is,

It's,,,It's fever,

That's what's doing it,

it's fever,

I started feeling

it this morning,

This fever is crawling

into my mind,

Well, you're a doctor,

Why don't you trot out

some pills or some medicine?

It wouldn't do any good,

Take a little whiskey,

Mr, Dichter,

and stay out of the cold air,

What about the medicine?

I could prescribe,

but it's too late,

Besides, you wouldn't

take it anyway,

Try me,

The prescription would be

for you to take off

that gun belt

and get no closer

to lead than a pencil,

It lengthens the odds

for a full life,

I'm asking for medicine,

not advice,

This advice is medicine,

am I right, gentlemen?

Are you beginning to get

the point, Mr, Dichter?

What point?

( spits )

( spittoon clangs )

It's his gun hand

that's fast, not his brain,

All right, Bristol,,,

you better stand up

and say that to me,

( clock chiming )

SOAMES:

It's 10:00, Mr, Bristol,

I believe that's your hour,

( clock ticking )

I reckon that's the case,

Where do you think

you're going?

Out into the hot sun,

The hot sun?

You hear what he said?

He's going out in the hot sun,

( laughing )

Mr, Bristol's going out

into the hot sun,

( laughing )

Well, let me tell you,

I ain't the only one around

here with a fever,

I'll tell you

what's out there,

pitch black and icy cold,

You're gonna have to ride

south to Mexico

before you find the sun,

( laughing )

MAN:

Bristol! Joe Bristol!

You coming out?

Yeah!

I'm coming out!

Who's out there?

Who's calling you?

It's a fast kid,,,

named Max Auburn,

SOAMES:

As you were, Mr, Dichter,

Either you understand

or you don't understand,

but don't ponder it,

There's nothing

you can do, Mr, Dichter,

except play

a few hands of poker,

There still a pot to be won,

( clock ticking )

( gunshots )

BENNETT:

So much for Joe Bristol,

SOAMES: Mr, Dichter,

it's five-card draw,

jacks or better to open,

I know it's fever,

None of this is happening,

We all got the fever,

red hot killing,

Still nothing?

I don't know what

you're talking about,

You just don't get it,

do you?

I think this whole shebang

is a loony bin!

I think you're all crazy,

that's what I think!

( clock chiming )

What's going on?

What's happening?

It's my turn now, Mr, Dichter,

Your turn for what?

The name is Bennett,

Abe Bennett,

Oh, no,

Banks are my specialty,,,

or don't you recall?

Yeah, I recall,

You wore pearl-handled,,,

BENNETT: That's right,

Honed-down trigger,

Just a whoosh

and a little breeze

could pull it,

My pride, Mr, Dichter,

until one day in Tombstone,

after I put a two-foot hole

in a 70 year-old bank teller,

Oh, I got the bill

from the fiddler, all right,,,

for all the music I had played

and all the dancing,

You ever hear

what happened?

I know something about,,,

something about a church,

The belfry,

They were waiting outside

the bank for me,

I ran into this little church,

climbed the ladder,

and the minute

I stuck my head up,

there was one smart deputy

with a rifle

and the eyes of an eagle,

I went over the side,

hanging on the bell rope,

and I set 'em to ringin',

They rang all the way down,

and they were still ringing

when they threw me

on the back of a horse,

Me and my pearl-handled Colt

and 20 bucks in greenbacks,

Twenty bucks, Mr, Dichter,

That's what I risked a life

and took a life for,

Cheap morning, all around,

Where are you going?

Damn your eyes, Dichter,

Your wits slog along

like crippled mule, don't they?

Where am I going?

I'm going out to a bank

in Tombstone,

then I'm going up

to a belfry in a little church,

and then I'm gonna drop

50 feet down

to a dusty street

with a bullet

between my eyes

and the sound of bells,

( clock ticking )

( gunshot )

( church bells ringing )

Some of the pieces

beginning to fall into place,

Mr, Dichter?

The point looking

a little clearer?

What point?

The point,

We, all of us,

made a vow with a gun,

A Colt ,45

till death do us part,

I stayed on the clean side,

Took care of the boys

that used a gun,

Old Doc Soames,

your friendly slug remover,

Bring me any carcass

with one breath left in it

and, for a price,

I would gouge out the lead

and make you run again

and shoot again

and kill again,

Right up until the end,

these fingers never

pulled a trigger,

They were skilled and trained

and educated

in the art of surgery,

A gift from God,

And then one

conscience-stricken day,

when I toted up

the killers

that I had saved,

I suddenly realized,

I had spit in God's eye,

For for every patient

that I counted,

I counted at least one victim,

Every man I saved

had gone out

and killed again,

What does the Bible

say about, uh,,,

he who lives by the sword

shall die by the sword,

Update that, Mr, Dichter,

make it a gun,

( clock chiming )

( clock ticking )

And then one night,

I walked into my office,,,

I pulled open the drawer

and took out a gun,

Blue steel symbol

of my professional skill,

That long barreled deity that

you and I have worshipped

for so long,,,

and I turned it on myself,

The point is, Mr, Dichter,

the illusive point,,,

is that we,

all of us were doomed,,,

from the moment

we took up firearms,

( clock ticking )

I'm not doomed!

I've still got a right hand,

I can outdraw any man alive,

I got a talent for it!

You had a talent for it,

Mr, Dichter,

Do I have to ask you again?

What are you talking about?

Just how did you figure it,

Mr, Dichter,

that you were immortal?

That after every gunfight,

the victim was dragged away

through the bloody sand,

and you walked

to the bar and had a drink?

Is that the way

you figured it?

It never happened any other way!

Until that unfortunate moment

when somebody appears,

somebody younger,

quicker, faster,

tougher, deadlier,

That moment which

Mr, Bennett perceived

when you have to pay the bill,

That bill

now due and payable,,,

for yours truly,

( gunshot )

What's the name of this town?

Where is it?

What is it?

It's just a,,,

just a waiting room,

Mr, Dichter,

where each men waits out

what is ordained,

Some call it, uh,,,

hell,

Why, you don't make

no sense, either,

Fill it,

I'm afraid

there's no more time,

( clock chimes )

( ticking )

DICHTER:

I need a drink,

You want a drink,

Mr, Dichter,

You don't need it,

It's, uh,,,

It's your time now,

My time,

Mister, I got no appointment

with anybody anywhere,

but I'll tell what you need,

You need to get

that clock fixed,

Now, you give me another

drink or you're gonna be

the coldest bartender

east of California,

( crowd shouting )

What's that?

That would be

the voices of the jury,

the people who passed

judgment on you

after your last kill,

They're outside,

waiting,

( crowd shouting )

It's closing time,

Mr, Dichter,

No doubt,

I will be seeing you again,

You won't be seeing me again,

I don't like the place,

the drink,

or the company,

You won't be seeing me,

( crowd shouting )

( ticking )

I'll be seeing you again,,,

Mr, Dichter

( rope creaking )

- Aah!

- ( horse whinnying )

( clock ticking )

( clock chiming )

( chiming grows louder )

To those amongst you

with a predilection

toward antique collection,

or the occasional bargain-

hunting that takes place

in out-of-the-way nooks

and stalls,

this painting suggests

a certain required wariness

when it comes to your shopping,

because there are moments

when behind some dusty book

or in a cobwebbed corner

of an ancient vestibule,

you'll uncover

a little objet d'art

which can horrify

the heck out of you,

such being the case

in this painting,

when a lady

goes junking about

and uncovers

a mythological statue

that has lived past its time

and intrudes on hers,

We call the painting

"The Last Rites

for a Dead Druid,"

( music playing )

( clock ticking )

MILDRED: Jenny!

Jenny, you've got to come

and take a look at this,

What did you find, Mildred?

Oh, dear God,

MILDRED: Three guesses,

Three?

Who needs three?

It's Bruce!

MILDRED: In his bathrobe,

Oh, Jenny,

you've got to buy it!

JENNY:

Oh, he'll have a fit,

MILDRED:

Oh, no, he'll love it,

He'll tell everybody

it's his great-grandfather,

I wonder how much it costs?

Mr, Bernstein?

Did you call me, Mrs, Tarraday?

JENNY: Mr, Bernstein,

Miss McVane and I

were wondering

about this statue,

- Oh,

- Yeah,

That's a very fine piece,

There's a story connected

with this piece, ladies,

What's the story?

I don't know the story,

But how can

it not have a story?

Look at it,

Well, how much is it?

BERNSTEIN:

How much is it?

Uh, considering the

craftsmanship and material,,,

What is the material?

I couldn't tell you,

It isn't marble,

Feel it, it's rough,

And it isn't limestone

because it don't chip,

I don't know this stone,

It's weird stone,

I can tell you,

JENNY:

Well, where'd you get it?

BERNSTEIN: It was here,

Ten years ago

when I bought the store

and the stock

from Pelham & Grogan,

it was standing in the back,

I brought him in here,

How much is it?

How can I tell you

how much it is?

Some days, I look at it,

and I say to myself,

"I'll give him away

to the first customer

who's strong enough

to lift him,"

Other days,

I look at him and I say,

"You're a nice piece,

whatever you are,"

"You could bring a good profit

in the hands

of the right party,"

Hmm, What are you telling

yourself today, Mr, Bernstein?

Today, I'm telling myself,

"I just bought

a bedroom suite

"from an estate they're settling

"in Beverly Hills,

and I could use the space,"

75 bucks,

Oh, Jenny, take it,

He looks just like

Miss Tarraday's husband,

You couldn't have told me

that sooner, young lady?

I'd have asked a hundred,

It was a steal, darling,

BRUCE:

Ah, which of you was the thief?

$75 to Mr, Bernstein

and $5,00 to his nephew

who has a pickup truck,

It was Mildred who found it,

Hmm, I see,

I didn't know it was lost,

Well, look at it,

Mm-hmm,

I am,

Well, look closer,

Who does it remind you of?

Who does it

remind me of?

- JENNY: Yes,

- BRUCE: Look, Jenny,

I hope you aren't gonna try

and tell me you think

you might have found

some lost Bernini

in a Redondo Beach junkshop,

Bruce, it isn't the artist

that it reminds me of,

What subject?

BRUCE: Subject?

JENNY: Yes, See?

Why do you think I bought it?

Well, I think you bought it

because you keep forgetting

that your brainless friend,

Mildred McVane,

has a thousand dollars a week

alimony to live on

and can spend 50% of it

on useless knickknacks

like this,

while your husband is

only a seventh junior partner

in a law firm that has

only seven junior partners,

- and earns approximately,,,

- JENNY: I bought it

because it looks like you,

Objection,

Overruled,

I thought you were asleep,

darling,

BRUCE:

I don't look like him,

Mildred, noticed it first,

- Mildred?

- Mm-hmm,

Oh,,,Mildred,

That female is noticeably

more noticed than noticing,

- That's very well put, darling,

- Thank you,

You know,

that Bellicose and Brady,

Dennison and Daws,

Entworth and Fox

knew what they were doing

when they added Tarraday

to their front door,

Mm-hmm,

Not anything like him,

- Yeah?

- Yeah,

( music playing )

( lamp clicks )

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

( gasps )

( Bruce whimpering )

Bruce, wake up,

Wake up, Bruce,

Bruce, wake up!

You're dreaming! Bruce,

( whimpering )

Bruce, what--what were you

dreaming about?

I'm a complete non-believer

when it comes to witchcraft,

the casting of evil spells

and things of that matter,

but at this particular moment,

it would give me

absolute pleasure

to have a replica

of Mildred McVane

to stick pins into,

And when I was finished

with her,

one glass of water

would turn her

into a water sprinkler,

Bruce!

Good morning, Mrs, Stanley,

Good morning, Marta,

Isn't Mr, Tarraday here?

He went out

into the garden, ma'am,

Oh, Well, you can start

breakfast now,

Yes, ma'am,

Bruce! Breakfast is ready!

Coming, dear,

BRUCE: Really?

Mr, Tarraday,

of course, of course,

Your wife, Mrs, Tarraday,

is one of my customers here,

She's bought some

fine pieces here,

- Very fine pieces,

- Yes, yes,

It's a pleasure

to know you, sir,

Well, it's very nice to

meet you, too, Mr, Bernstein,

Um, it is about one of those

fine pieces that I am here,

A statue?

Ah, the drood,

Drood? What is a drood?

Actually,

it says on the picture,

it's not drood,

It's pre-drood,

We haven't cleared this up,

Wait, You'll see,

You could call it

a very funny coincidence,

but on the very same day

when your wife was here

with her pretty young friend,,,

Oh, pretty young friend,

A knockabout,

let me tell you,

Hmm, listen to me,

Oh, if I was only 50 again,

But, of course,

if I was 50 again,

Mrs, Bernstein

would be 47 again, so,,,

Anyway, later in the day,

a customer comes in,

and he wants to buy

the rolltop desk here,

- A fine piece,,,

- ( pounds desk )

solid wood,

As soon as my nephew shows up

with the pick-up truck, uh,,,

So while I'm cleaning out

the drawers

to get it ready for my customer,

what do you think I find inside,

where I haven't even peeked

since I bought the entire stock

from Pelham & Grogan

10 years ago,

but a complete set of books

with photographs

of all the merchandise,

And what do you think I find

in one of the books

but a picture

of the very statue

your wife, Mrs, Tarraday,

bought earlier in the day,,,

and was asking about,

but I couldn't say,

because I didn't know,

It's typewritten on the back,

everything about it,

See? What did I tell you?

Pre-drood,

That's "druid,"

( clock chiming )

So, druid,

Tell me something,

What is this?

Oh, that, uh,,,

I'm very sorry about,

But when I sold it

to your wife, Mrs, Tarraday,

I didn't know

that feature was missing,

I don't like to sell

defective goods,

It gives the business

a bad name,

But if you're dissatisfied,

I could give you back

$10 on the cost,

What? No,

No, no, that's, uh,,,

That's all right,

Mr, Bernstein,

Doesn't make any difference,

"A statue, sculptor unknown,

of hooded monk,

"attributed to early pre-druid

"or possibly

latter Cambrian order

"of secret and cabalistic

priesthood of Midlothian,

"possibly that of its leader,

the later defrocked abbot

Penicuik Cathedral,

"Father Balimaster,

referred to

as Bruce the Black,"

JENNY: There!

What is "there"

supposed to mean?

Well, Mildred said

that you would claim him

as a great-great-grandfather,

Oh, I would rather claim Mildred

as a third cousin,

Well, you're about to claim her

as a dinner guest

in about a half an hour,

Oh, no,

JENNY: Mmm, You'd better

start the barbeque,

What else does it say

about him, huh?

Well, enough to suggest

that you may not have been

as delighted

as you might have imagined

had I really been descended

from Bruce the Black,

It seems he practiced sorcery,

- Hmm?

- BRUCE: Yes,

And the religious ceremonies

of his particular order

were purely satanic,

and the worshipers

followed their leaders'

habit of debauchery and rapine,

as well as sacrifices,

both animal and human,

on equinoxial celebrations,

I mean, that is, um,

according to what

it states here,

"to the 18th edition

of the Maleficarum

"later deleted,

"he maintained his primacy

among his order

"of fellow murderers

and immoralists

"by the power

"of turning

any would-be attackers

into stone,"

But you don't believe

in sorcery,

Any more than

I believe in sacrifices,

whether animal or human,

or murder, or adultery,

or worshiping the devil,

But I do believe

that I would not have been

any happier had I found out

that Bruce the Black

was an ancestor,

then he would be to find

that I was a descendant,

I will make the barbeque,

Ow! Darn it!

You are a piece

of not particularly

well-executed

and totally worthless rock,

You are not,

and have never been

a salacious sorcerer

or a pre-druidical priest

named Bruce the Black,

who I'm sure never existed

in the first place,

You are nothing whatever

except ugly

and bearing absolutely

no resemblance to me at all,

You have no power,

You can't move,

and you neither impress,,,

nor intimidate me,

and you are going back

to Mr, Bernstein's junkyard,

where you came from

and where you belong,

MILDRED: Will you introduce me

to Bruce the Black, Bruce?

I mean,

I met him casually before,

If you call being present

when someone gets bought

for $75, plus $5,00

for delivery,

a casual meeting,

But I didn't even know

his name then,

so it wasn't a proper meeting

really, was it?

How did you know

he was called Bruce the Black?

Oh, there's nothing magic

about that,

I saw Jenny inside,

Oh, yes, yes,

where is she, Jenny?

She went upstairs

to powder her nose,

Go on,

I would have said something

a good deal heavier than that,

I suppose you'll go

to Jenny about it,

MILDRED:

You mean, tell her?

Yes,

Only on one condition,

That you don't promise

you'll never do it again,

- Now, look,,,

- I am,

and I'm seeing something

I never saw before,

and I don't mind it at all,

Get out of here!

JENNY: Bruce?

Bruce, is that you?

What do you want?

I--Who were you talking to?

BRUCE:

Uh, nobody, just, uh,,,

The neighbor's cat was over here

chasing some birds,

You're gonna have

to call them about it,

I will dear, tomorrow,

Oh, look,

Look at your great-grandfather,

What about him?

JENNY: Well, look what

the sunset's doing to him,

He's got eyes,

Jenny?

Uh, where's Marta

with the steaks?

The fire's almost ready,

I'll tell her, dear,

( laughing diabolically )

( laughing )

- ( cat meows )

- Kitty,

Here, kitty,

( cat meowing )

( cat yowling )

( laughing )

( cat yowling )

Aah!

( cat yowling )

Marta, what's wrong?

He,,,

- He would cook the cat,

- What?

You crazy old bag,

get out of here!

JENNY: Bruce!

I,,,

I probably have

a very high temperature

at this time,

- Marta, I'm sorry,

- No, I--I pack tonight,

and I leave in the morning!

Mildred, have you noticed

anything different

about Bruce lately?

Oh, no, honey,

It's the same old Bruce,

BRUCE: What do you want?

BRUCE THE BLACK:

Kill her,

Kill her, then you can have

the other one,

The beautiful gold,

and blue and emerald one,

Kill this one,

Kill her,

How?

BRUCE THE BLACK:

With your pillow,

It's easy,

Your pillow over her face,

In a minute, two minutes,

that's all it takes,

She'll be dead,

Think of the other one,

You want her,

You've always wanted her,

Now she'll be yours,

But kill this one first,

Go on, kill her,

It's almost done,

Then the other one,

the one, she'll be yours,

She wants you, too,

just as much as you want her,

Only one thing stands

in the way,

this one,

It's easy,

your pillow over her face,

Kill this one first,

- Your pillow over her face,

- No,

BRUCE THE BLACK:

In a minute,

two minutes,

that's all it takes,

No!

BRUCE THE BLACK:

She'll be dead,

- Kill this one first,

- No,

( whimpering ) No,

No, No!

No more of this,

No more!

This is where it ends!

( scream )

Bruce?

Bruce, where are you?

Bruce?

Bruce?

Bruce?

( gasping )

( screams )

( gasps )

( gasps )

BERNSTEIN: A nice piece,

I got to admit it,

A very nice piece,

Good stone, fine condition,

How much is she asking

for this piece, young lady?

I'm sure Mrs, Tarraday

won't refuse

any reasonable offer,

Mr, Bernstein,

BERNSTEIN: If she'd offer me

the pair together,

I could give her a good price,

The pair of them together

would be very valuable,

Very valuable,

I can tell you,

It's a pity she isn't offering

the pair of them,

Yes, isn't it?

A great pity,

( music playing )