Original subtitles

( music playing )

ANNOUNCER: Starring tonight,

Stuart Whitman,

Harry Morgan,

Kim Hunter,

Norman Lloyd,

and Sondra Locke,

Ladies and gentlemen,

good evening,

We offer up hopefully salutary,

possibly educative,

but certainly a few terrifying

little items in this,

the Mausoleum

of the Malignant,

An art house full of bogies,

elves, pixies, bad fairies,

and a few demoniac inhabitants

all put together

for your pleasure

and titillation in what we call

the Night Gallery,

Painting number one,

having to do with fishermen

and what they fish for,

or more specifically

in this case,

a fisherman

and what he wasn't fishing for,

What appeared in his net

one afternoon

defies logic, reason,

and belief,

But there it was:

Lindemann's Catch,

Miserable, floatin' hulk,

- Looks like a lugger,

doesn't it?

- Too square in the stern,

She's ketch big,

A trawler of some kind,

So you better put some water

between her and the coast,

or she won't be seeing

Boston this time,

- She'll not make Boston,

Who says?

The cards,

Where do they put her down,

Master Suggs?

The cards, I mean?

She hole her bottom on a reef

or strip her sails in a gale?

Don't these cardboards

squares offer

anything but disaster, huh?

High seas, crosswinds,

man overboard--

that's all you offer us,

Isn't there one single

cheerful prediction

in this net of doom

you weave every night?

Come on,

give us some fair winds,

good fishing,

or maybe a keg of treasure

to be washed up

on this benighted little place

to make our lives easier

than what they were,

I only say what the cards tell,

What about your fortune,

in the cards, Hmm?

Or in the palm of your hand?

The price of a small brandy,

maybe I'll see a fortune

coming your way, huh?

A fortune for me?

( laughs, coughs )

Ahh, The only fortune

you'll see for me, Suggs,

is a bony rider on a pale horse,

Ask your cards

how I outlive my patients, huh?

( coughing )

Oh, this damp fog chill,

"Physician, heal thyself"--

that's what they say,

- ( Suggs laughs )

- ( coughing )

Not in this place, no, not here,

- Filthy night,

- You see that ship out there?

That two-master?

Too shallow of draft

for too big of sail,

And badly skippered--

too busy shifting ballast

to look where she was going,

she almost ran me down,

But that's all

in a night's sport--

hopeful idiots like myself

to be killed by a fearful fool,

Captain, Lindemann,

maybe the cards

will offer up

a better fortune for you,

Here, take one,

Maybe the palms of your hands

will show a windfall on the way,

Or the tea leaves,

Let me read tea leaves

for you, Cap'n,

( chuckles )

Ooh,

Many a pretty picture

is painted in the bottom

of a cup for a man,

A potion,

Would a potion of a sort

interest you?

I've got ancient bottles

that are the perfection

of the soothsayer's art,

Mr, Suggs,

I have to live with the fog,

because it's hell's blanket

and it creeps up

through the earth

to bedevil seamen like me,

And there's nothing

I can do about that,

And I'll go out

every freezing morning

and come back every

wind-screaming night

with just enough in my net

to keep me alive,

Now, all of that

is my miserable lot, Mr, Suggs,

and will be

until God turns my sail

into a shroud

and throws me

back into the sea,

But what I don't have to do

is to come in here night

after night

and look at that wormy

little face of yours

and listen to all these

bile of potions

and palms and tea leaves,

Now, this is what

your fortune is, Mr, Suggs,

where a man spits!

You had no call to do that,

Captain,

- Didn't I? No call?

I'm going to

give you your fortune,

and because you've wasted

so much of my time,

I'm going to wind you up

on your back

with a bloody mouth!

Must you take your

miseries out

on harmless little men

who'll do you no harm?

On whoever, doctor,

if he throws his lines

in my waters

during my one free hour

to get myself drunk

and forget my miseries,

You're an evil man, Cap'n,

You've got no heart

in your body,

You can't love,

you can't give,

you can't share,

Share?

Share, Mr, Suggs?

Now, you've just had

a share of it,

a spoonful of what's inside

of my gut,

the hate that I have

for this place--

the company,

the time,

the weather, and the catch!

And how about you

half-frozen cod catchers, huh?

What would Mr, Suggs

have you love?

The sea, maybe?

Shall we love the sea

even though it frightens us

and ages us

and in time kills us?

And yet we still go out

every morning

to embrace her,

That's because we're fools,

we're damn fools,

and we don't deserve any better,

( door opens and closes )

MAN: Captain,

Either we're out

of our minds or--

- Likely, or all full up

on bad grog,

Maybe you can tell me

why four full-grown men

kneel around a fishnet

and shiver, hmm?

Lookee here, Captain,

You see what we see,

you'll shiver too,

MAN: I'll get another light,

Did you see, Captain?

- Illusion,

- And we've all have seen it,

( wheezing )

( wheezing continues )

Kill it,

Throw it back in the sea,

- Captain, it's part human,

It's all monster!

Fifty years I've sailed,

Captain,

and I've never seen

the likes of this,

It would be sacrilege

to harm this creature,

Are you suggesting

you take it home?

Fondle the face

and then fry it

from the waist down?

That's not from Davy Jones,

that's from the Devil himself!

- I wouldn't believe it

if I weren't seein' it

with my own eyes,

Cut her loose out of there,

somebody,

Your catch is it, Doctor?

Or are you confiscating it

in the interest

of public health?

MORDECAI: She's half frozen,

She is a finned

and scaled nightmare,

that's what she is,

And this knife

would be better used to--

- You call her a nightmare,

Captain Lindemann,

but the gesture--

the gesture is human,

MAN: Captain?

Think of it--

we could keep her alive,

We could keep her on exhibition,

I've seen men pay good money

to look unearthly objects

in a jar of alcohol,

What would they pay

to see a mermaid,

a real mermaid?

With that end, Captain,

count this an offer,

Let me take her,

I'll feed her

and take care of her

and put her on display,

What's more,

half the take will go to you

and your crew,

I've no doubt but the take

won't be minnow-sized, either,

because Charlie's right--

Barnum himself couldn't come up

with anything to equal this,

I'll think about it,

MAN: It's a gold mine

we got here, Captain,

Woman or fish,

she's a gold mine,

Now, I be thinking

we should keep her onboard,

- You be thinking

too much, Charlie,

You're not the master

of this boat

and that catch isn't yours,

it belongs to me,

Now, I said

I'll be thinking about it,

And while I'm thinking,

I want all of you

to leave me alone,

Captain, you can't leave her

in that net and--

That's enough out of you,

Doctor!

That's enough

out of all of you!

Now go on,

go off to your houses

or go back to that pig trough

that Mr, Bennett calls an inn

or lie in the gutter

for all of me,

but just leave me alone,

Now go on! Get off the wharf!

Oh, no,

Not back into the sea,

the sea gave you to me,

The sea gave you to me

and now I'll ponder it a bit,

MORDECAI: What does he want

to see me for?

CHARLIE:

He said come right aboard

and go to his cabin,

MORDECAI: Captain Lindemann?

( knocks on door )

Well, come in, Doc,

Sit down,

What's it all about, Captain?

Warm yourself first,

Thanks,

The men say you haven't

shipped out in three days,

A little shore leave for them,

- What about you?

- What about me?

Captain,

that creature you caught

in your net,

no one's seen her

since you brought her in,

Uh, Bennett's willing

to give you cash,

work out

some arrangement

that might seem fair,

And put her in a tank someplace

where the bumpkins

can stand around drooling?

- Captain,

- Doc, she's sick,

She's not eaten anything

in a day and a night,

She just lies there on the deck,

Where is she?

Down below in the hold,

Seems to be wasting away,

We've got to help her, Doc,

We've got to treat her

and give her some medicine--

we must keep her alive,

She's more human than anything,

We communicate together,

She speaks to you?

Not in words or language,

but she makes herself

understood,

as I to her,

You must see

what you can do, Doctor,

Please do what you can,

( moaning weakly )

It--that is to say she--

been out of the water too long,

You know

what has to be done--

you've got to throw her back,

Give her medicine,

something to give her

her strength back,

MORDECAI: She gets her strength

from the sea, Captain,

- Save her,

- I wouldn't know how,

- I treat only humans,

- She is human,

MORDECAI:

Three nights ago you said

she was a nightmare, a monster,

I'll tell you something,

Captain,

She's a little of both,

And I'll tell you

what she isn't--

she's not a companion to man--

- any man,

- Help her!

Help her?

You help her,

Give her back to the sea,

( waves rushing )

- He's crazy, I'm telling you,

he's turned crazy

is what he's done,

- Keeping her down

there in the hold,

Planning on selling her,

that's what he's a mind to do,

That's the last

we'll have seen of him,

- Did you expect different?

- That's what I've told you

a hundred times about Lindemann,

He's got no heart,

He's made out of iron and wood

and ship's tar!

MORDECAI: But with

sufficient heart, Suggs,

to call me out

in the middle of the night

to help that creature,

- For what purpose?

To keep it alive

so's he can torment it?

To keep it alive

because he's a lonely man,

That lonely, Doctor?

- As lonely as it's possible

for a human being to be,

- But it's a creature,

It's not human,

-- Whatever it is,

it won't survive

more than a few hours,

- We could all go aboard,

A boarding party,

And tier her up

and take her up to Boston

and sell her

while she's still alive,

- All right, You do that,

You do that, Bill,

You better draw straws

who's to be the first man

down the hold,

because whoever it is

won't be alive

when he gets there,

do you understand?

Captain Lindemann,

in the manner of solitary,

friendless men,

has found something

he can care about,

Reptile apparition,

specter from the seaweed,

whatever it is,

it's given him something

he can love,

SUGGS:

That won't do it, Captain,

- What will do it, Suggs?

Tea leaves?

That trawler you saw out there

the other night?

It went aground

off Connor's Cape

just like I said it would,

That pleases you, doesn't it?

No, not a bit, Captain,

I may cry doom,

but I don't take pleasure

from it,

What do you take pleasure at?

From helping,

I take pleasure from helping,

I'm offering up a hand

when I can help,

No, you stick that hand

back in your pocket,

I'll rather take my lunch

out of a bilge bucket,

You don't understand, Captain,

I've come here to help,

as only I can,

You help yourself

by causing a distance

between yourself and me,

Or have you forgotten

how many times

I've laid you on your back

or how many teeth

I've loosened in your mouth?

It's all forgotten, Captain,

I told you I had potions,

powerful nostrums

with miraculous properties,

Enough to burn my insides,

no doubt,

To make a whole woman out

of a half a woman,

Now you be careful

what you're saying, Suggs,

I mean it!

You pour this down the mouth

of that creature

you have down there

and by dawn

she'll walk on two legs,

It's two bells now--

by seven bells,

a miracle will have occurred,

I'm a desperate man,

Mr, Suggs,

and my desperation

is called insanity,

I know that,

But it's sufficient enough

to break you in pieces,

if this be a joke,

Captain, it's a scrawny,

brandy-soaked carcass

I carry around with me,

but it's all I've got

and I value it, Do you think

I'd come here in the dead

of night just so

you could tear me in half?

Make her drink it,

and then leave her alone,

In five hours,

give or take a few minutes,

you'll see the change,

If this be as you say,,,

if this be

as you say,,,

I'll bless you, Suggs,

and I'll not forget it,

She means something to you,

She means life itself,

She'll have life itself,

as a gift from me to you,

with my compliments,

( bell ringing )

( music playing )

( boat creaking )

( moaning )

( moaning, sighing )

That you call a miracle,,,

or whatever,

you're a woman now,

It's worked!

Suggs!

Suggs, it's worked!

You made it happen!

She's a woman now!

She's no creature,

she's no reptile--

she's a woman!

You don't believe me, gentlemen?

Well, I tell you

what I'll do--

I'll walk her out here

onto the deck,

that's what I'll do,

I'll walk her out here

so that you can see

for yourselves!

( moaning )

HENDRICK:

Come on up and show them,

Come on,

( screams )

Wait, please don't,

Don't!

( panting )

NICHOLS: We have fed our sea

for a thousand years,

and she calls us, still unfed,

though there's never a wave

of all her waves,

but marks our dead,

Mr, Suggs?

( coughs )

Anything to add?

Doesn't have to be

your lot, Doctor,

What about a palm reading?

Let me take a look

at the tea leaves for you,

your fortune, eh?

Let me read it for you, Doctor,

Let me read your fortune,

You'll never regret it

Or a potion perhaps?

I've got a treasury

of potions, a fair trove

of delights never tasted

by any man, Doctor,

A dead man splattered

on a concrete walk,

Not the most appetizing

of scenes

and not the pleasantest

of stories,

but if you're

interested remotely

in homey homicides,

this may be your bag,

We call it,

The Late Mr, Peddington,

Ahh,

Better, Better,

( doorbell rings )

MAN:

You want me to get it, Dad?

No, no, I'm on my way,

( door opens, closes )

Forgive me for just

barging in like this,

but you see,

I'm somewhat in a hurry,

Oh, that's quite all right,

I'm Thaddeus Conway, madam,

Won't you have a seat?

Oh, thank you,

I'm Cora Peddington,

How do you do, madam,

I'm looking for a good,

economical undertaker,

We are extremely, uh,

flexible here, madam,

Let me assure you

of that at the outset,

Good,

That's more than one can say

as some of your competitors,

You've dealt then with

other morticians in the past?

I've been dealing with them

this entire morning,

Please forgive me, madam,

but I don't seem to follow you,

Well, it's simple enough,

Mr, Conway,

I have to cut expenses

to the bone,

As a result,

I must shop around,

Shop around?

Well, yes, of course,

Naturally,

I'm glad you understand,

None of the others did,

Well, some of us

are more progressive

than others,

Now, before we proceed

with the financial aspects

of the matter,

if I could get a few

of the pertinent data together--

( chuckles )

I'm training myself

to economize,

May I offer you one?

Huh?

Oh, no, Thank you,

I'm trying to quit,

Pertinent data,

I beg your pardon?

You were saying,

Oh! Uh,,,

now, as to the recipient

of our services,

My husband,

Oh, dear, I completely forgot

to mention him, didn't I?

I'm afraid so,

Has he,,,left us?

Left us?

In a manner of speaking,

Oh, I see what you mean,

Yes,

You may say he's left us,

Permit me to convey

my sincere condolences, madam,

It is at a--moment--

Well, now we may as well begin

with your husband's full name,

Adam L, Peddington,

- Age?

- Fifty-one,

Address?

Eleven Briarwood Gardens,

Briarwood,,,Gardens,

Uh,,,occupation?

Adam is controller--

was controller, I should say,

of Vidal Electronics

Corporation,

Oh,

Did he leave suddenly

or was he taken

by a lingering illness?

No,

It was sudden,

Quite sudden,

Um, one could call it

precipitate--

It can be a blessing that way,

Just how did he go?

Out the window,

Here today and gone--

Did you say Mr, Peddington

went out the window?

Our living room window, yes,

Oh, my,

It opens on a balcony,

as a rule,

Uh, but the balcony was removed

a few days ago

when it was discovered

that several

of the supporting lag bolts

had rusted away

at the mortise,

Oh, my!

Well, it presented a hazard

as it was,

And so it was removed

until a new balcony

could be installed,

Unfortunately,

I forgot to tell Adam,

He's home so seldom these days,

But this morning

he wanted a breath of fresh air,

Oh, my,

And before I realized

what he was doing,

he pushed open the window

and stepped out,

You were married how long?

Twenty years,

Well, you shared two decades,

that's more than

many of us have,

I won't be a hypocrite--

twenty years of living

with a business machine,

that's what it amounts to,

No, no, no, no,

You're distraught, madam,

When we were first married,

we had to save every penny

for his night school,

After he became an accountant,

we saved for a house,

only to sell almost immediately

for profits,

The profits went into

other real estate,

and then into

stock option plans,

The same pattern,

year after year,

with the gulf between us

growing wider and wider,

No, I shall not mourn him,

Worldly success, I fear,

is no guarantor of happiness,

- We never had a honeymoon,

- Nor I,

I never even had a marriage,

If you'll forgive me, madam,

I can't help wondering

about the contradictions

in your situation,

What contradictions are those?

Well, obviously Mr, Peddington

was a man on the way up,

so to speak,

before he went out and down,

That would seem to mean money,

if I may say so,

Oh, it does mean money,

Well, then I'm at a loss

to understand

why you, his widow,

are so concerned

about cutting his funeral

expenses to the bone,

I have no choice,

I must cut expenses to the bone,

But surely, you inherit--

Not immediately,

My husband always professed

a strong antipathy

for rich widows,

He felt that between the time

of their husbands' deaths

and the time they gain control

over the legacies,

a purgative period

should ensue,

to give the widows

a balanced view

of past and future,

I see,

In my case,

the will stipulates

that I inherit nothing

except the money

from his life insurance

for a period of two years

following his death,

Moreover,

I must live exclusively

on this sum,

I may not work,

I may not borrow,

I may not pawn

such personal items

as furs or jewelry

to supplement

the insurance benefits,

An unusual document,

What are the consequences

of just ignoring it?

Clear,

In that case,

I inherit only

a tenth of the estate,

the remainder going to

the Douglas McArthur

Memorial Fund,

How much insurance did he leave?

Two thousand dollars

is the face value,

You mean,

you're expected to live

on $2,000 for two years?

Why, my dear lady,

that's only about,,,

twenty dollars a week!

Adam pointed that out to me,

When we were first married,

he was earning 2,000 a year,

We lived on it

and saved money besides,

But the cost of living

was much lower in those days,

Also, the cost of dying,

But $2,000, madam,

you can't possible

survive on that,

except by charity,

Well, the insurance policy

does carry

a double indemnity clause,

That makes it 4,000

in case of accidental death,

doesn't it?

And falling from

a 10th story window

is usually construed

as an accidental death,

I believe,

Yes, I would imagine so,

Shall we discuss

basic costs now?

I'm really pressed for time,

Mrs, Peddington,

while I appreciate your desire

to economize,

I feel I must point out

that in most instances

of violent death,

certain cosmetic services

are required

to restore the features

of the deceased to a semblance--

We shall dispense with that,

I see,

A closed casket ceremony,

- I don't plan on

a casket at all,

Nor any ceremony,

No casket,

I should think a basket

would do it,

Do they come with lids?

Yes, they do come with lids,

Fine,

Now, as to burial attire,

do you wish to supply it

or would you prefer

to leave it to our discretion?

Why not let him go as he is?

Well, my good woman,

it's never done,

Whatever the poor man

was wearing when he fell,

it's probably all,,,rumpled!

Probably a bloody mess,

No earthly good to anyone else,

So let him take it with him,

Adam would really like

the economics of that,

He hated waste,

Oh my,

Well, next we must decide

on the place of interment,

unless you already subscribe

to a memorial association?

We shall cremate him,

Adam respected the value

of real estate,

Sir?

Thanks, I needed this,

You heard?

I had the intercom

turned up full,

Do you think we got the job?

No doubt about it,

She didn't say so,

She will,

There's not a mortuary in town

that can underbid us,

Well, why didn't she just

say so then?

Why didn't she just tell us

to come over

and collect the remains?

John,

you're a first grade embalmer,

but as a brain,

you're a disaster area,

Sir?

She was shopping, John,

Shopping,

She had to make certain

that under the conditions

of her husband's will

she could realistically afford

the price of even

a cut-rate funeral,

So?

So now she has to go home and--

( screaming )

In the general, generic area

of costume jewelry,

note girl, and note expression,

Obviously a lady much disturbed

by whatever little bauble

she has recently been

the recipient of,

said sentence improperly

ending on a proposition,

But this story ending on a much

more deadly note than that,

We call it A Feast of Blood,

Blasted cheap glass,

( doorbell ringing )

It's 7:00,

Dead on time of course,

( door opens, closes )

Look, darling, look,

Isn't Henry kind?

Mother, why must we carry on

this charade with Henry?

You know

I'm going to marry John,

Well, we know you want to

and you say so,

but it isn't official yet,

my dear,

Now-- Oh, the crystal vase,

I think,

But I hate Henry Mallory!

- You never know, my dear,

What if something should

happen to John?

Henry is insurance,

is what he is,

'Orrible 'Enry,

Small and soft

and repulsive as a slug,

There's something

not quite right about him,

- My dear, there are few girls

as beautiful as you,

And poor Henry can't help it

if he's not as handsome

as John Coleridge,

I say!

I wonder what's in here,

Good things

come in small packages,

they say,

Well, I shall accept

no presents

from Henry except flowers,

Oh, don't be so old-fashioned,

my dear,

Henry said you simply must

wear this tonight,

But isn't it enchanting?

What an original brooch,

Oh, let me pin it

on your coat, dear,

Oh, it's realistic,

YOUNG WOMAN: So squashy,

- It's simply enchanting,

And you look sweet, too,

But come along, darling,

Come downstairs,

or Henry'll be

getting impatient,

MAN: Hello, Sheila,

Thank you for the flowers,

Henry,

And the clever brooch,

- I believed you'd like it,

Shall we all have a drink?

- No, thank you, Mrs, Gray,

we'll be late for dinner,

Oh, of course--

Dinner? Where?

- The Arlington,

The Arlington? How lovely,

Such good food, But naughty,

naughty Henry,

so expensive!

Your daughter deserves it,

Mrs, Gray,

Oh, how sweet,

But you must be going,

Your taxi will be

costing you a fortune,

I've hired a car,

Naughty, naughty!

Still, we're only young once,

Good night, Mother,

Shall we?

Good night, dears,

Remember, Henry,

she's my only baby,

Take good care of her,

I will, Mrs, Gray,

( music playing softly )

Oh, please, no,

My--my head

is positively swimming,

How many times

have we gone out now, Sheila?

Four, five times?

And yet,

you've never asked about me,

Well, I--

Well, why don't you tell me

all about yourself, then?

Not much to say,

The only child

of a widowed mother,

like yourself,

Childhood of lonely dreams,

not very popular at school,

Until I discovered the secret,

Secret?

I began by being

the best at small things,

Once my reputation

was established,

I became the best at everything,

Just like that, were you?

Well, were you then the best

in football throwing?

( chuckles )

Everything,

You see, Sheila, there were

always ways of winning,

Take you and me, for instance,

You think you'll be

marrying John, don't you?

You wouldn't want to change

your mind, would you?

You're exactly

the kind of girl for me,

Well, I--I am flattered,

but I'm in love with John,

Love,,,

that's what they all say,

It never lasts,

Being a good husband

is what really matters,

Besides, he hasn't even

asked you,

( laughs )

Well, shall we say that

I'll take my chances,

Since your mother

is so enamored

of prattling old sayings,

I'm surprised

she's never told you

that he who laughs last,

laughs best,

You can't insult my mother

like that,

I can do what I want,

because, as I told you,,,

I never lose,

You will never marry John,

Well, we shall see, shan't we?

How do you like that brooch?

Well, it is very unusual,

It's a vo-du,

Very rare kind of mouse--

true ancestor of the bat,

Bats? Why, I hate bats,

It's a mouse, not a bat,

Besides we have

all sorts of bats,

from our domestic ones

to the bats

of the caves of India,

Look, I will show you something,

I am removing the vo-du,,,

from its brooch pin,

It'll stick by its feet

to the coat--

it has prehensile feet,

It will stick to anything,

and however much you

shake the coat,

it will not fall off,

You speak about it

as though it were alive,

Do I?

How foolish of me,

- This is good-bye, Sheila,

- I'm afraid so,

I'll give you one more chance

to change your mind,

because I like you so much

better than the others,

What others?

The other girls,

And none so pretty as you,

I might add,

Let's go,

Well, yes, sir,

I'll manage to get back,

Thank you for your trouble

and understanding,

Thank you,

Well, you will make

a good husband

- for some girl,

- But not you,

Well, I can't help loving John,

can I?

Ah, yes, John,

Tall, Dark, wavy hair,

Masculine jaw,

- Fine teeth,

- Really, Henry,

I ought to know

what he looks like,

Broad shoulders,

a deep clear voice,

- A strong sense of,,,

- Must you?

,,,humor,

Comfortable income,

due to a generous father,,,

I am politely

asking you to stop,

Mr, and Mrs, Beautiful,

Are you sure there'll be

enough mirrors in the house?

You're insulting,

"Accurate" is more

the word, peacock,

You wouldn't speak

to me like that

if you really loved me,

I not love you?

What man wouldn't love you?

The face that launched

a thousand ships?

Really, Henry, I don't know

what's got into you

this evening,

I thought we wouldn't go

straight home,

After speaking to me like that?

You have a filthy mind,

My idea was Fox's gaming house

to have ourselves

a little gamble,

Well, I don't like gambling,

I don't like insults,

and I am tired

and I want to go home,

John will never marry you,

I tell you,

Not if I live to be a hundred,

Don't you dare!

Do that again

and I'll slap your face!

I'll do as I please,

Let me out of this car!

You can't go out, silly girl,

it's three miles,

I don't care,

All that way

in the terrible darkness,

I'd sooner die

than stay with you,

Wait,

You've made the choice,

You're disgusting!

You're slime,

that's what you are,

When you think of me,

think of me in John's arms

making love to me,

The ugliest woman in the world

wouldn't have a toad like you!

I shall remember you

as you were, Sheila,

Beautiful,,,

and deserving,

( crickets chirping )

Oh!

Oh!

He took it off its pin,,,

( screaming )

Oh! Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Ow!

( screaming )

( both singing drunkenly )

♪ So I says to me mother,

me mother-- ♪

Ah, Ha ha ha!

Ah,,,all right,

You in your cups again, Frankie?

God love us!

I know he does,

You didn't see it?

Are you seeing that

pink elephant again?

Almost as big as one,

It crossed the road up there

and went into the woods,

How many times

do I have to warn you

about that gin,

that jubilee juice?

Like a big hedgehog it was,

His whole head

was black and shiny,

like it was covered with blood,

Come on, Frankie,

I'll take you to your door

and I'll explain everything

to your old lady,

- Ohh!

- Come on,

All right, mate,

HENRY: Let me guess,

The telly--

you were in the beauty contest,

- I thought you should've won,

- I'm supposed to be flattered?

- You're very beautiful,

- I know,

- And I am something less

than a film star,

- We can't help how we're born,

( men singing drunkenly )

MEN:

♪ Jolly old pal ♪

( singing continues )

( singing stops )

( crickets chirping )

What is it?

It was a woman, it was,

Uggh!

Allow me,

A token of my appreciation,

What is it?

I want you to have it,

Accept a gift

from a total stranger?

My name is Henry,

Now we're not strangers,

You have to understand,

this doesn't mean anything,

Of course,

It's just that I am compelled

to honor beauty,