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Tonight stars
Pat Boon,
Kim Stanley,
Leif Erickson,
Robert Morse,
Rudy Vallee,
Patrick O'Neal
and Wally Cox,
Good evening,
We welcome you to this
palladium of art treasures
that range from the kooky
to the uncommon,
From the bestial
to the bizarre,
And I'd like to take
you on a guided tour
through the Night Gallery,
A collection of
paintings and display
for only the most
discriminating,
Because it's best
that they be seen
both after and in the dark,
The story behind this offering,
a word which we have
coined just for the occasion,
arachnophobia,
It means for our purposes
a special distaste for those
crawly little beasties
with multi legged hairy bodies,
In other words,
a fear of spiders,
the title of our
first painting in this,
the Night Gallery,
"We liked the curtains
caught back with a rose
"the sole bonne femme
in the room,"
It's not bad,
Well, that captures
it, I think,
Not bad at all,
( telephone ringing )
Elizabeth, I'm working,
Now when I deliberately refuse
to answer the telephone
to even though most insensitive,
that would be a blunt clue
as to my desperate need
for undisturbed solitude,
( footsteps approaching )
( door opening and closing )
( door bell rings )
Elizabeth!
Must I hire security guard
or answering service
or what will it take to get
my message through to you?
( door bell rings )
I choose not to be disturbed,
Comprenez vous?
Verstehen Sie?
Do you understand?
( bell rings again )
Justus, please,
Just let me in for
just one moment,
Please just for,,,
a moment,
Justus, do you understand
what you're doing to me?
Do you know that I can't eat?
I can't sleep,
You're destroying
me piecemeal,
Why don't you answer me?
What's destroying you, my dear,
is your proximity
to smarmy 19th century novels,
Now you've obviously
availed yourself
of all the treacly
literary syrup
from Henry James
to Elizabeth Barrett Browning,
Why are you so cruel?
I'm not cruel, Elizabeth,
I'm refreshingly blunt,
Now can you get
it through that
tumultuous, fluttering
brain of yours that
I have no interest
in continuing
a relationship with you,
I asked you out
for dinner a few times
because you live above me
and it seemed congenial
and neighborly,
But these persistent
nocturnal calls
and that perpetual petulance
oozing from those
red-rimmed eyes, Elizabeth,
that is depressing,
Abhorrent, And frankly,
it must stop,
Now, good night, Elizabeth,
I have three columns
to write and an article,
- and I'm desperately behind,
- Justus,
what are you doing?
Are you saying goodbye to me?
I'm not proposing
a simple wedding
at the church of flowers,
Good bye, Elizabeth,
Now, take a pill, count sheep,
or fix yourself
a club sandwich!
Justus,
Justus, please, I just want
to say one more thing to you,
More than that were so,
Well, I dearly pray
that someday,
someday,
you will need someone,
You'll be helpless
and need someone
and love and affection,
I hope so,
Goodbye, Justus,
- ( loud crash )
- ( screaming )
Help me,
( groaning )
( water dripping )
( water dripping )
( door bell ringing )
You were complaining about
your thermostat, Mr, Walters,
Too late to look at it now,
- Why is that?
- Flipped your mind, did it?
Why, you were accusing me
of freezing you out
two days ago,
You want it
looked at or don't you?
Do you know that
you have spiders?
How's that?
Spiders, sizable spiders,
Possibly poisonous,
Unquestionably sizable and ugly,
I won't be a bit surprised,
That is your singular
editorial judgment?
How's that?
Crawling all over
my kitchen are spiders,
So?
Might I at least
expect an apology
in lieu of an explanation,
An apology?
Okay, Mr, Walters,
I apologize,
As owner and janitor
of this building,
I'd like to go on record
as saying I'm sorry
you've got spiders,
And that's all
you got to say?
You ought to catch my act
when somebody points
out a cockroach,
Then I'm really apoplectic,
I happen to have
a deathly fear of spiders,
It is my one inordinate
phobia, spiders,
Franky, Mr, Boucher,
they're absolutely unnerving,
Had an aunt in Spokane
was the same way,
Used to hide in the attic
when she saw it,
Well, you have
to get an exterminator,
Do you think one might
be available tonight?
An exterminator? For spiders?
This time of night?
Come on, Mr, Walters,
Be a big boy,
Live with them,
They won't hurt you,
Beautiful, beautiful,
just, just beautiful,
Crawling all over
my domicile, uh,
furry long legged monsters,
And from you
I get philosophy,
"Live with them,"
Not only will I not
live with them,
I'll take the necessary steps
to see that they're destroyed,
Mind if I give you
my personal reading
as to what I think
the problem is with you?
Oh, marvelous,
a man for all seasons,
A plumber, a concierge,
Sigmund Freud
with a screw driver,
Tell me, Mr, Boucher, enlighten
me, what's my problem?
You ain't got no gristle,
Any guy that makes a living
writing about
pishy poshy food
and interior decorating,
That kinda guy
ought to shake hands with a pick
and shovel now and then
and taste a little sweat,
- Catch my meaning?
- Ah, painfully,
A predictable cretin reaction
from a 20th century savage
whose cultural activities are
limited to unplugging commodes,
You asked, I'm telling,
I didn't ask
for a character analysis,
I quite properly demanded
that you get rid
of the spiders in my apartment,
said request going unanswered,
Now, Mr, Boucher,
what about those spiders?
I'll send them an eviction
notice in the morning,
( screeching )
Boucher, Mr, Boucher,
come out here,
I demand that
you come out here,
Now what?
Did you ever see a spider
the size of a full grown dog?
Frequently,
When my sister-in-law
married a bootlegger,
after four bottles
of his first line bourbon,
I saw a giraffe, a spider
was riding him
dressed in jockey silks,
You revel
in the absurd, don't you?
With tenants like you
I got little choice,
Now, good night,
Check, David, and Justus,
Spiders the size of dogs,
( door knocking )
What? who is it?
It's your friendly neighborhood
- door to door Lothario, Madam,
- Justus?
( inhaling sharply )
What do you want?
Well, you could start
by inviting me in for Brandy,
It's rather late, Justus,
Maybe a small one,
Did you come
up to apologize?
Yes, yes, I was
very harsh, Elizabeth,
Oh, I don't think
that is the word for it,
You were incredibly cruel,
Guilty as charged,
I throw myself
on the mercy of the court,
- How about the Brandy?
- Oh,
( Justus sighing )
Justus, what is wrong?
What is your--
Are you ill?
Ill?
( sighing )
Elizabeth,
just because I seek
out your company,
is that supposed
to be reflective
of some illness on my part?
You do yourself
a vast injustice,
It so happens that
your charms are
not lost on me,
I, I happen to,
to like you,
Oh, Justus,
You only half way like one
person in this whole world,
It lives inside
your skin, It's you,
What's this about?
Elizabeth, I have
a deathly fear of spiders,
- Of what?
- Spiders,
Can I have another?
ELIZABETH: Spiders?
I know,
Down at my apartment,
I know you're gonna find
this difficult to believe,
Down in my apartment,
in my bedroom,
there's a spider
the size of a dog,
When last seen,
it was hiding behind a chair,
Did you hear me?
No, really, It's a,
the spider,
well, it was,
it was this big,
And frankly, Elizabeth, I'm--
I'll be all together
honest with you,
I-- I'm absolutely and totally
unnerved by this visitation,
I'm, I'm frightened,
I'm frightened to the point
of sheer self destruction,
Justus, do you know
who you're speaking to?
This is Elizabeth,
You know I've read
thousands of books,
I suppose tens
of thousands of books,
ancient and modern,
And in no place
in any literature
that I've ever read
is there a spider
the size of a dog,
- ( screeching )
- Not even in Kafka,
Perhaps it's a mutation,
There's a lot
of that going around,
Perhaps,
I think I should call
the police, That,
that thing is
unarguably a man killer,
- May I use your telephone?
- Yes, of course,
I think while you're calling
that you are to call
the psychiatric unit
at Bellevue,
( sighing )
May I ask why?
ELIZABETH: To reserve a room,
You know that's exactly where
they're going to send you
when you call the police
and tell them about
a spider as big as a dog,
Not when they see
it with their own eyes,
Justus,
They're not going to see it,
Only you see it,
Do you know what I think?
I think you've been
quaffing a little too much
of your own vintage wine,
And eating your
little delicacies
and reading your
articles constantly,
Here, finish your Brandy,
And then would
you please go,
Elizabeth, you
don't understand,
I--I-- I can't go
back down there,
Oh? Well, then I hope
you have a third choice
because you're certainly
not going to stay here,
I don't understand you,
A little while ago you
were begging for my company,
That was before I knew
that I was competing
with a spider,
Elizabeth, you
are terribly cruel,
ELIZABETH: No, I'm not cruel,
I am refreshingly blunt,
You actually want me
to go down there and face
a monstrous hairy
eight legged thing?
A crawling nightmare,
a devilish obscenity?
I think it's a marriage
made in heaven,
All right, all right,
Elizabeth,
Elizabeth, dear, now, if you
won't let me stay here
would you at least
come down there with me,
I?
Just, you know, just,
just see if it's still there,
We could check out
the whole place,
And if it isn't, uh,
well, I could lock all the
doors and the windows
and it couldn't possibly
get back in,
Not with it's size,
You know I read someplace
that kindness
begets kindness,
I think they were talking
about humans, not spiders,
But you are human, aren't you?
I'm going to take a chance,
Well, I just,,,
Wait, listen, listen,
What?
Do you hear anything?
The thumping
of your heart,
It proves you
have one, You're alive,
Do you see anything?
Your living room
There's nothing here,
No spiders,
ELIZABETH: Oh, Justus,
No women,
Elizabeth,
Elizabeth, dear,
believe me, believe me,
If there were
a woman in my life,
unequivocally, I tell you,
it would be you,
What about in there?
The bedroom?
( sighing )
ELIZABETH: Oh, Justus,
It's empty,
No spiders,
A tribute to your
loveless life, Empty,
- You sure?
- Yes,
Come, I'll show you,
ELIZABETH: Come,
Look, you see,
Look,
Behind the chair,
Elizabeth, Elizabeth
Elizabeth, what
are you doing?
( door handle rattling )
Elizabeth, now you
don't understand,
You don't understand,
Elizabeth!
You don't understand women,
Their need for a little
gentleness, a little kindness,
( banging on the door )
Let me out,
A little love,
Now this is no joke,
It could still be in here,
Elizabeth,
I wonder what
Elizabeth Barrett Browning
would say at this moment,
Would she have said, uh,,,
"Oh, how softly
"thou words
"fall,
"Like a song
on my tender ears,"
Spiders drive me insane,
Stop it,
I'll let you out
in the morning,
At breakfast time,
I'll come down and let you out,
Elizabeth, I'm begging you,
Please do let me out,
Please, Elizabeth, Elizabeth,
( banging on the door )
I remember another place,
another time,
Somebody said to me,
"What does it need
to get through to you?
"an answering service?
"a security guard?"
( door knob rattling )
What does it need to get
the message through to you?
- Let me out, let me--
- ( squeaking )
Elizabeth, it's,,,
It's in here,
Let me out,
Good night,
Liz! Elizabeth,
it's in here,
No, no
( sobbing )
- ( screaming )
- ( squeaking )
Amy Lou said
something about night,
What was it she said?
Hmm, I don't remember,
CHILD: Daddy,
Daddy,
Can I have
a drink of water?
Daddy, can I have
a drink of water?
Honey? Honey?
It's your baby,
- Daddy?
- All right,
Yeah, I'm coming,
( mumbling under his breath )
( continues mumbling )
( water running )
Here, here,
Oh, here is your teddy,
CHILD: Thank you, Daddy,
Item number three
in the Night Gallery,
we call it Marmalade Wine,
Look at it if you will
with gentle and restrained eyes,
the way you'd look
at a maniac in the woods,
Because that's
the story it tells,
Hold out your glasses
and get ready
for a very special night cap,
( thunder rumbling )
- Hello!
- ( echoing back )
Can anyone hear me?
- Hello!
- ( echoing back )
Hello down there,
No, no, Up here,
Stay where you are,
I'll be right down,
Hello,
You startled me,
I was photographing
mountain lions earlier,
Yes, they can be
rather troublesome,
Come with me,
I'll show you the way,
DEEKING: Come along,
Careful, now,
DEEKING: Careful, careful,
DEEKING: Here we are,
ROGER: I hope
I'm not imposing,
DEEKING: Not at all, not at all,
Delightful as I find
my sylvan retreat,
it can be rather dull,
You'll join me in my
after lunch coffee and liqueur,
I'll take these
inside to dry,
Have a seat,
I'll be right back,
- Cheers,
- Cheers,
Oh,
I-- I didn't expect that,
It's good though,
Good, uh,
Uh,
my name is Roger Blacker,
I'm Dr, Francis Deeking,
ROGER: Oh, yes,
I'm a surgeon,
You-- you live out here in,,,
the middle of nowhere,
My weekend retreat,
An escape from the strains
of my exacting profession,
And my good, Sir,
what do you do?
Uh, I'm, uh,
uh,,,
Oh, uh, I--
I'm a photojournalist,
Uh, life,,,
look,,,
( stammering )
You know,
How very interesting,
Not quite as interesting
as what you do,
I read up on
all your famous
operations, I, uh,,,
I especially like the one
on that famous actress,
A bit sticky, that one,
Thank heavens for silicone,
You must feel like a god,
All of us have
god-like attributes,
You must when you
take a sterling photograph,
Well,
Would you be so kind
as to take a photograph of me?
( thunder rumbling
in the distance )
Well, yes,
( stammering )
( clearing his throat )
Yes, uh,,,
Uh,,,
Perhaps if you push
that little switch,
Push the switch,
( speaking softly )
Yes,
I was just checking the focus,
DEEKING: Be sure
to make me a copy,
Yes, I'll send it
to the hospital,
DEEKING: I'm--
I'm not there at present,
What was it
I read about
- you recently?
- No matter, no matter,
Your drink is empty,
Thank you,
Hmm,
Excellent stuff,
Like a bouquet
of orange blossoms,
Yes, I distill it myself
from marmalade,
Marvelous, just marvelous,
Excuse me,
About, uh,
what we were
discussing,
- uh,,,
- Discussing?
Unique attributes,
( starting to slur )
I have one,
I am able
to foretell the future,
Really?
I've always wanted
to know someone like you,
The responsibility
must be terrifying,
Yes, of course,
I don't use the faculty
for my own ends,
That would be, uh, immoral,
You mean to help another person,
Give warnings,
achieve profitable
courses of action,
Surely there's
no harm in that,
To more successful,,,
operations, doctor,
To be sure, To be sure, About
what you were saying though,
could you tell me
the winner of today's
featured Pimlico
as a small test of your gift?
Who's running?
( thunder rumbling )
Bow Bells?
Bow Bells, absolutely,
Excuse me a moment,
Am I drunk?
I don't know what lies
I've been telling him,
I must apologize,
What was it that
I read about him?
Something peculiar,
Just getting under the wire,
Let me see now, Ah, yes,
There's a special
election being held
for the Richmond city council,
- Do you have any idea?
- I,,,
I have to apologize,
- The winner, please tell me,
- I, uh,,,
The Republican in an upset,
11,038 votes,
Extraordinary,
Do you use this power
very often?
Oh, yes, Yes, I've helped men
make millions,
Hmm, millions,
Ah, my dear Blacker,
how are you?
You'll be happy
to know that Bow Bells
won by three lengths,
going away,
Bow Bells?
I'm glad it worked out,
Not only that,
the Republican candidate
scored a major upset,
And by the exact
number you predicted,
And of course, when I read
the results of Pimlico,
I bet a bundle
on that election,
Listen,
Ow, I've got to explain some--
Ow, my head,
I-- I drank too much and,,,
My feet, ow, these new boots,
It must have been too tight,
And I,,,
I wasted your
entire day and night,
- What time is it?
- It's morning, Listen,
the boots won't
be a problem any more,
And as for your
taking my time,
you're not in my way at all,
In fact, I hope
that you stay here
as my guest
for some time to come,
We have all the comforts here,
Now if you'd just give
me the stock exchange
prices for the coming week,
That will be ample remuneration,
I'm afraid you
don't understand, ow,
Those stories
that I told you about the,,,
about the future they were,,,
Exaggerations,
You-- you've been
so kind to me,
I couldn't possibly
( wincing in pain )
- go on deceiving you,
- Now, don't be so modest,
Wait here while
I get you something to eat,
Since my retirement,
I find it necessary
to augment my income
by judicious investment,
So I may have a few stocks,
The market opens any minute,
But I'm trying to tell you,
the horse winning
and the election result
is all a fantastic coincidence,
Please start
with figures, please,
Holt industry's up
six and a half,
Desnol Limited, down
seventeen,,,
eight point up 12,
I'm calling my broker
right now, Don't go away,
Deeking,
Ow!
What was it I read?
He's flipped his lid,
He's not allowed to practice
medicine any more,
( thunder rumbling )
That's it,
I better get out of here,
ROGER: I really must go now,
I have a pressing
appointment in town,
I thought you might
but it's out of the question,
But don't worry,
you'll be very happy here,
While you were asleep,
I took the liberty
of amputating your feet,
Now open your mouth and enjoy
some of this delicious food,
After which we listen to stock
market openings on the radio,
DEEKING: Open wide, Open wide,
Open wide,
A small item for the
petty gods amongst you,
A little something
to be found in the drawer
alongside the old school ties,
Picture if you will
a very special school
where the students
don't matriculate
but rather are marooned,
where the scholars are not
enrolled but rather sentenced,
The painting is called
The Academy,
For your left, right,
For your left, right, hut,
For your left, right,
Get your head up!
Straighten up!
Hut, for your left, right, hut,
For your left, right,
To the rear, halt!
Pay attention, You hear me?
Hut, for your left, right,
To the rear, halt!
Halt,
Wake up, wake up,
( shouting commands )
( marching commands continue )
To the right flank, Hut,
To the left flank, Hut,
( shouting orders )
OFFICER: Right, left, right,
I said your left,
your left!
Left, right,
( distant marching commands )
Would you please
sign our guest book, Sir,
( officer shouting distantly )
Thank you,
- My name incidentally--
- I know sir,
The director's been
expecting you,
Director's waiting to see you,
You can follow me Mr, Holston,
( officer shouting distantly )
Ah, Mr, Holston, come in,
Forgive me I was
having a little bite,
Won't you sit down?
May I offer you something,
a sandwich, a glass of milk?
No, no, thank you,
Had no trouble finding us?
- A little off the beaten track,
- Yes, we like it that way,
Your son,
he's not with you?
No, I gathered from your letter
you preferred to talk
to the parents by themselves,
At least initially,
Yes, we found out
that works out a bit better,
The parents feel
more at ease,
They're able
to talk more frankly,
I have studied
the boy's transcript
and I've discussed it
with the admissions committee,
My son is really not a bad kid,
I'm sorry?
What I mean is, uh,
well, he's gotten into some
trouble along the way but
he's very bright,
Well, uh,
it seems he lacks motivation,
and I'm afraid
he's undisciplined,
like a a lot
of youngsters now a days,
There's no, uh, Mrs, Holston,
My wife died
several years ago,
Died?
She was in an accident,
A boating accident,
How did you know that?
We have to check
very thoroughly, Mr, Holston,
You see, all aspects
of a boy's life
are relevant to our decision
whether to look favorably
or otherwise on an application,
Now, as to the, uh,
circumstances of the accident,
Roger was only about
ten years old at the time,
Continue,
He and his mother were
in a row boat
in Thousand Islands,
And the boat capsized,
Roger was always
a very powerful swimmer,
Uh-huh,
How all together
fortunate for him,
And how tragic
for your late wife,
I know there were
rumors at the time
- but I assure you--
- Don't bother, Mr, Holston,
As I say, we are interested
in the boy's total background,
but this is not
a court of inquiry,
The academy doesn't sit
in any judgment on the boy,
It is merely interested
in behavioral difficulties
and special emotional problems
so that we can plan
the curriculum properly,
And, of course, discipline
is the major item around here,
Well, I'm sure you'd like to
have a look around the school,
Yes?
Your, uh, your catalog
mentioned a policy
of not having any home
visits during the first year,
Yes, we've found
that home visits
just don't fit
into the picture
until the cadets become
thoroughly oriented,
to our way of doing things,
And we say "a year" merely
as a general guide,
Sometimes it takes
longer than that,
Of course the parents are free
to visit here
at specified times,
Actually, the cadets seem
to prefer it that way,
Yeah, Mr, Holston, you
mentioned motivation before,
Now that's what this
academy is interested in,
To motivate these
boys to achieve success
and becoming fully oriented
members of this community,
So you can see that home visits
would cause
a disruption to the process,
Yes, Sir, I can see that,
Now, shall we take a short tour?
Classrooms, dormitories,
and so forth,
After you,
Ten-hut,
This is a class in calculus
and trigonometry, sir,
( officer shouting distantly )
Feel free to question
the cadets if you like,
No, thank you,
I'm not much
of a math man,
Carry on, Bradly,
As you are, Gentlemen,
That was, uh, those
are big fellows in there,
Your seniors, I suppose?
We don't follow the usual
class designations, Mr, Holston,
Our purpose is to build men,
You simply can't
find a formula
that will satisfy
the requirements for every case,
( distant marching
commands continue )
They're very efficient,
When a boy knows
drill, Mr, Holston,
he knows something about life,
That's the way we
handle these boys, with drill,
Not just physical drill,
drill on every level,
We've been handed
hopeless cases,
absolutely incorrigibly boys,
But in every instance,
we've managed to find
the right answer,
And that answer is drill,
Of course, in some
cases it takes
more time than in others,
Oh, this is one
of our dormitories here,
Ten-hut!
Perhaps you would like
to chat with one of the boys?
- It's cadet Sloan, isn't it?
- Yes, Sir,
This is Mr, Holston,
Well, how do you
find it here, Mr, Sloan?
I like it very much, sir,
Mr, HOLSTON: The food?
Everything?
Mr, SLOAN: Everything
is very good, sir,
Mr, HOLSTON: I suppose
you're planning
on some college or other?
Mr, Sloan: My plans aren't
too definite at present, sir,
I can tell you're a hard worker
on your books, Mr, Sloan,
We get very busy, sir,
Your parents must be proud
to have an industrious son,
My parents aren't living, sir,
Oh, I'm sorry,
That's quite all right, sir,
It's been quite a while,
MR, HOLSTON: Well, it's been
nice talking to you, Mr, Sloan,
- Good luck,
- Thank you, sir,
As you were, gentlemen,
Sloan?
I seem to remember a Sloan
in the papers, a news story,
It's cadet Sloan,
Though he came from
an exceptionally fine family,
he had a record
of arrest before he was 15,
An assault case
- involving a young woman,
- Yes,
But that was years ago,
If that's the same Sloan,
he'd have to be
in his thirties,
Mr, Holston, have you noticed
our statue here?
Yes,
Quite a piece of sculpture,
Yeah, we're very proud of that,
Seems at bit, uh,
unconventional
though, doesn't it,
Oh? unconventional?
Facing toward the academy
instead of the outside world,
That bit of symbolism,
Preparing the boy
for becoming a man,
Yes, most visitors notice that,
It does seem unusual
at a glance,
But you see for us the important
thing for us is this academy,
This is our world,
All that a boy needs
is to be found right here,
And, for that reason, that
statue symbolizes welcome,
Not farewell,
Yes, of course,
Well, I guess the only
thing that remains is, uh,
whether you'll accept my son,
Well, I thought I made
that quite clear, Mr, Holston,
Indeed we'll accept him,
With pleasure,
When you see him again, you'll
find great changes in the boy,
I was planning on
going abroad for, uh,
some period of time, business,
He's in good hands,
( officer shouting )
On your feet, get up,
You want three more miles?
Move, move!
You'll do one full field pat
next time,
Move, hit it, hit it!
Move!
Move when I say move,
move, move!
That, uh, that discipline,
The discipline is all together
rigid, Mr, Holston,
That's what makes men,
Of course,
we reserved the right
to exercise whatever discipline
we feel is necessary,
It seems, uh, ludicrous
I guess to ask it now
instead of just checking
the catalog before,
but, uh,
how long will my son stay here?
How long?
I assumed you understood that,
Indefinitely, Mr, Holston,
Most of the parents
prefer it that way,
Roger will be
here tomorrow,
We'll look forward to it,
( distant drill commands )
- Gate keeper?
- Yes, sir?
Do you enjoy working
here at the academy?
- Working, sir?
- Yes,
I'm not employed here, sir,
I'm a cadet, like the others,
How long?
I was 15 when
I arrived, sir,
I'll soon be 55,
Did you find the school
to your liking, Mr, Holston?
- What?
- The school, sir,
Will Roger be attending?
You'll drive him out here
first thing in the morning,
Yes, sir,
He's a high spirited
young man, sir,
Military school will be
a bit hard for him to take,
My son's a rotter, George,
You and I both know it,
This is just he place for him,
( cadets marching )
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