Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER:

Starring tonight,,,

Arte Johnson,

James Farentino,

Michele Lee,

Adam West,

and Jeanette Nolan,

For those of you

who've never met me,

you might call me

the under-nourished

Alfred Hitchcock,

The great British craftsman and

I do share something in common:

an interest in the oddball,

a predilection

toward the bizarre,

And this place is nothing

if it isn't bizarre,

by virtue of the paintings

you see hanging around me,

This item here is called

"Since Aunt Ada Came To stay,"

And Aunt Ada is a most

memorable character,

You may not like her,

but I seriously doubt

if you'll ever forget her,

Be thankful you've

met her only in,,,

The Night Gallery,

( door shuts )

( car starts )

Teach well, sweetie,

What time will you be back?

3:30, right after

the faculty meeting,

I want to transplant

those roses,

What're you gonna

do with yourself?

Taking Aunt Ada for a ride,

( sighs )

Aunt Ada, huh?

Aunt Ada,

Bye,

Aha, The ever-present

green carnation,

Professor Porteus,

I have every reason to believe

that the earth would stand

stock-still in the heavens

were our Mr, Craig Lowell

to appear on campus

without his quotidian

green carnation,

Yes, Well, it's a favorite

of my wife's, Professor,

And a very potent

favor it is, my boy,

In the realm of the occult,

an area which as you

may perhaps know

occupies the major portion

of my leisure hours,

it is widely written

that the green carnation

when set aflame

in the presence of--

Professor, I do have

a class waiting,

Of course, my boy, of course,

Do come to my rooms some evening

when you have more time

and we'll have a nice,

long talk about it,

Fascinating subject,

fascinating,

- Mm,

- Have another cup, dearie,

Oh, Craig, Come and have

some of Aunt Ada's herb tea,

It's really delicious,

H-How long have

you two been in here?

Goodness, I don't know,

Ten, fifteen minutes, I guess,

Why?

( screaming shrilly )

The roses! You know she's

allergic to flowers!

CRAIG: Oh, for the love of,,,

- Where's your head?

- I forgot I had them,

Joanna, just how long is

that woman gonna live with us?

At ninety?

Ninety, at least,

It's not unknown for people to

live to be a hundred, you know?

I don't understand why she

upsets you so much,

I don't know what it is, There's

just something about her,

Ever since she came

to live with us--

What?

I don't know, I just can't

put my finger on it,

Don't fret, little fox foot,

It's not going to

be much longer,

( laughing )

Another tea party, ladies?

( Aunt Ada laughs )

Joanna, it's after midnight,

I thought you were asleep,

That's what I thought you were,

Oh, honey, I couldn't,

I was tossing and turning and,,,

I was afraid it was going

to bother you,

so I got up and came down,

What's this stuff?

Oh, that's herbs, dearie,

Herbs to help her sleep,

You have herbs

for everything,

haven't you, Aunt Ada?

Oh, nature wakes you,

nature rests you,

Nature wakes you,

nature takes you,

Could I give you a cup?

No, thanks, I sleep very well,

How is it

you're up so late, Aunt Ada?

Oh, child, when one

reaches an age like mine,

one sleeps only an

hour or two at night,

CRAIG: Really? How interesting,

Sea weed,

Sea weed?

Hydrodendon Barelia,

That's its Sunday name,

Very common along

the coast here,

Any pharmacological uses?

Inducing sleep,

anything like that?

No, nothing medicinal,

Nothing poisonous,

Nothing of any--

- Oh,

- What?

Enter folklore,

Hydrodendon Barelia

is the modern name for,

and here I quote,

"the sinister witch's

weed of antiquity,"

Witch's weed? What the,,,

Well, Frank, now,

what is witch's weed?

Beats me,

I'm in chemistry, not sorcery,

Why don't you

drop in on Nick Porteus?

I'm sure he knows,

Nick Porteus?

Yeah,

Oh, my, yes,

Hydrodendon Barelia,

Yes, indeed, by all means,

Virulent, my boy,

Potent, dangerous,

handle with care,

That's what you do

with witch's weed,

What I do?

What are witches

supposed to do with it?

Granting their

existence, of course,

which I don't happen to do,

Very few people do, my boy,

during the day,

But the tolling of

the midnight bell

makes believers out of many,

Which is your

subject again, Mr, Lowell?

- Logic and scientific method,

- Of course,

And you find it hard to

fit the pentacle of Beelzebub

into the Aristotelian

square of opposition,

In time, though,

young man, in time,

Yes, quite, In the meantime,

Professor,

this so-called "witch's weed",

Ah, yes,

You see, the weed is

employed by the aging witch

who has used up

her present body

to facilitate her entry into

and assumption of the new

young body that she

has chosen for herself,

Excuse me?

That is how they

perpetuate themselves,

During the 12 strokes

of midnight,

at the first full moon

following the autumn equinox,

But first,

first, the witch's weed must

have been administered

in gradual doses over

a period of roughly

three weeks,

Without the preparation,

entry cannot be made,

Professor Porteus,

I'm very sorry,

but I consider

this utter nonsense,

- especially coming from--

- And yet, young man,

since you came

to this university,

I have never seen you,

never once seen you,

without the one weapon

in the entire arsenal

of anti-witches armament

that can prevent this exchange

of bodies from taking place,

Disbelieve if you will,

my friend, but also,,,

do not forget,

Sorry to bother you,

but I'm trying to discover

the whereabouts

of a relative of my wife's,

My wife's very anxious

to find out if she,,,

still lives in this town,

Well, she used to

quite some time ago,

but I imagine she's

quite elderly by now,

Her name is Quigley,

Ada Burn Quigley,

MAN: Quigley,

There you are, sir,

Remember the funeral myself,

Six months ago,

- You saw this woman buried?

- Yes, sir,

Who attended the ceremony?

It was old ladies,

old as the hills, they looked,

and all kind of alike,

as though it was uh,,,

some kind of family,

Who maintains the grave?

Nobody slapped down

no maintainin' fee, so,

that's who maintains it, nobody,

Wouldn't do no good anyhow,

I don't know what those funeral

fellows shot into her, but,,,

whatever it was, it contained

enough acid to k--

Well, I'll be swintered,

What is it?

Nothin' ever grew on that plot

after they tucked her in,

Not a grass, not a dandelion,

not a bud,

nothin' but raw, gray dirt,

CRAIG: I think it is entirely

logical I may be going mad,

AUNT ADA: Oh, lovey,

she has gone marketing,

She said she'd be

back in a twinkle,

( Aunt Ada chuckles )

I've just been

the 30 miles to Bakerton,

AUNT ADA: Oh, and what did

you see there?

A grave,

Great-aunt Ada Quigley's grave,

Beautiful place,

Yes,

Restful,

- ( laughing )

- Very,

And I have no reason to believe

it is not presently occupied

by the person

whose name is inscribed

on the headstone above it,

therefore, I ask you

this question, madam,

Who are you?

Why, tsk tsk tsk,

You've seen my

picture in the family album,

Joanna showed it to you,

I've seen a fuzzy snapshot

taken 40 years ago

of a middle-aged woman

Joanna identifies as you,

and you concur in

that identification,

Now, if you are in fact

the great-aunt Ada Quigley

whose picture appears

in the album,

you are also the

great-aunt Ada Quigley

who was buried in

the graveyard at Bakerton,

If you are not one,

you are not the other,

And as you're standing before

me this very moment,

you are clearly not in

your grave at Bakerton,

And if you are

not in your grave,

you are neither in

the photograph album,

So, I repeat,

madam, who are you?

Why are you here?

What are you after?

( shouting )

I will have an answer!

( Aunt Ada screams )

( cackling )

( continues screaming )

Well, been having a

nice chat while I've been gone?

Yes, this is

Craig Lowell speaking,

Could you connect me

with Professor Porteus, please?

( indistinct chanting )

( groans )

( phone rings )

Professor,

Professor!

- Yes?

- Professor Porteus, please,

No, this is his housekeeper,

I think it might be a stroke,

Please, I must get through

to the hospital at once!

A stroke?

JOANNA: Darling,

CRAIG: Hmm?

You'll dig your grave

if you dig any harder,

Joanna, I wanna talk to you,

You don't have to, because

I know what you want to say

and it isn't necessary

any longer,

What are you talking about?

Aunt Ada upsets you and

you want her to leave, right?

Right,

Well, she is leaving,

She just told me,

She told you that when?

Is she leaving?

The day after tomorrow,

She applied to an old folks home

up the coast somewhere

and they've accepted her,

( softly )

The day after tomorrow?

Today's the 21st,

First day of autumn,

During the 12 strokes

of midnight,

at the first full moon following

the autumn equinox,

Full moon's on the 23rd,

Day after tomorrow,

Craig?

- That hurts!

- One favor,

Just one,

Anything, but, honey, please!

From this second

until midnight,

the last stroke of midnight,

- on the 23rd,,,

- What?

never let me out of your sight,

Craig, you're frightening

me to death,

No, I'm fighting to

keep you alive,

( doorknob rattling )

So,,,

Aunt Ada,

Locked doors present

a problem even to you,

Why would you try to get in?

You knew you

couldn't get past me,

Have a nice

cup of tea, my darling--

CRAIG: No!

Out, Get out!

( chanting )

( doorbell rings )

- Yes?

- Telegram

for Mr, Craig Lowell,

That's me,

Thank you,

What is it?

It's from Ben Snyder,

He's been called out of town,

Some family problem, he says,

Wants me to take

his class tonight,

But why didn't he call me?

Why wait until the last minute?

Unh-unh,

Well, it won't work!

- What are you doing?

- Sit down,

I'm ringing up the college

saying I can't make it,

But you can make it,

We're not doing

anything this evening--

I am not leaving

this house tonight,

Philosophy department, please,

Craig, it's an emergency,

There are other people,

Yes, I'll wait,

Ben needs you,

Craig,

Ben got you

your professorship here,

He's one of

your closest friends,

You can't just turn him down,

Why are you acting this way?

All right,

All right,

I'm gonna try to tell you

in an orderly, logical,

unemotional manner

exactly what is

going on in this house

and why I cannot oblige my very

good friend Professor Snyder

who may be having

a family problem of his own

but, whatever it is,

it can only prove insignificant

to the family problem

we're having!

What are you talking about?

That woman is not

your great-aunt Ada,

That woman,,,

,,,is a witch!

And she's at least

a thousand years old

and she stays alive

by finding young bodies

and inhabiting them,

And at midnight tonight,

she's planning on

inhabiting your body,

And unless I'm

around to prevent her,

she'll probably

get away with it!

You've, Gone, Mad,

That is precisely the

reaction I would have

if I'd just been told

what I've told you,

But it happens to be the truth,

They're gonna have to

come take you away,

Well, I'm sure

I've just given you

ample grounds to

have me committed,

and if I were in your place

I'd seriously consider it,

but until the clock out there

finishes striking 12 tonight,

I'm not leaving your side,

After that,

you could take whatever action

against me you feel necessary,

Craig,,,

can you prove any of this?

Only by letting it occur,

and I have no

intention of doing that,

But you actually mean it?

I'm convinced of it, darling,

Enough to phone the college

and tell them you can't

take Ben's class tonight

because you have

to stay home with me

to keep my Aunt Ada

from turning me into a witch,

If I must,

in order to show you

how serious I am,

No,

I don't want to have to wait

for visiting hours to see you,

Take Ben's class tonight,

- I am--

- I'll go with you,

You can discuss your

square of opposition

and keep an eye on me

at the same time,

Now, is there anything

wrong with that?

That would never

have occurred to me,

Of course not,

It's much too simple

for that logical mind of yours,

All right?

,,,in subalternation obtaining

between a universal

and a particular affirmative,

Now we come to an examination

of the Aristotelian

square of opposition,

Let "A" represent

the universal affirmative,

and "E" the universal negative

here at the top,

Now, down at the bottom,

the letter "I" represents

the particular affirmative,

"O", the particular negative,

In subalternation obtaining

between a universal

and a particular affirmative,

or between a universal

and a particular negative

where the difference

is one of quantity only,

( eerie noises pulsate )

( thunder crashing )

,,,omni propitious,

you will hear our wishes,

chief of the East-lies

above trust,

come to this body soon,

powder and rust,

CRAIG:

,,and as with life itself,,,

( Aunt Ada chanting )

,,, come to this body soon,

powder and rust,

That body of youth,

that body of lust,

that body of bodies

to live in I must,,,

inhabit,,,

at midnight!

To live in I must,,,

( echoing )

inhabit,,,

( echoing )

at midnight!

Prepare,,,

If bestowed the spirits

CRAIG: Contradictory,,,

( Aunt Ada continues chanting )

The spirits!

Fire, water and air!

CRAIG:

,,,square of opposition,,,

( thunder crashing )

,,, again represented

by the letters A, E, I and O,

respectively,

And before going any further,

let us establish that these

are arbitrary designations

except for the fact that they've

been around a lot longer

than any of us here,

They might well be called

"A", "B", "C" and "D",

( thunder crashes )

( starts car )

CRAIG: ,,,test their validity,

For this purpose, we will

take the proposition,,,

"All republics are ungrateful,"

Now, we accept the

proposition that all re--

( car honks horn)

Aunt Ada,

Right here, lovey,

I've been waiting for you,

Here's the last little mouthful,

That's all that's needed now,

Hmm?

Just the littlest sip

will do the trick,

And then you'll

be mine, my blessed,

when the midnight tolls,

Come on,

Come on,

Don't fight it, little cuddly,

Soon it'll be the gentle wind

in a cool sea,

the soft white cloud forever,

- Oh, Craig,

- Oh,,,

don't clutter your head

with him, little rumples,

we won't be needing him anymore,

Joanna!

Joanna!

Joanna,

You're too late, silky wizard,

She's mine now,

You're not getting past me,

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Wait!

( eerie pulsations )

( shrieking )

No!

Disbelieve in

your will, my friend,

But also do not forget,

the only weapon

in the entire arsenal

of anti-witching armament,

only the green carnation

when set aflame

in the presence of,,,

( thunder crashing )

( clock chiming )

( shrill laughter )

( chanting )

( screams )

( continues chanting )

( screaming )

Joanna?

My love, my darling,

Oh,

Teach well, sweetie,

See you at three o'clock,

- OK,

- Bye-bye,

- ( gagging )

- ( glass shattering )

( growling )

M-Master,

what do you think, Master?

If I told you once

I've told you

a hundred times,

go easy on the vermouth!

We refer to him

by different names,

Lucifer, Mephistopheles,

Beelzebub,

But by any other name,

he'd smell of brimstone,

These, the ingredients

to a one-man stew:

A disc jockey, a radio show,

and a painting we call

"The Flip-Side of Satan,"

Who's better than J,J,?

When J,J, makes the scene,,,

( sighs )

,,,can the good sounds

be far behind?

Main switch three minutes

before air time,

Programming planned,

Absolutely no variations,

J,J, Wilson programmed,

( glass clinking )

( eerie pulsations )

Five thousand watts,

On a clear day, you can

hear across the street,

( humming )

Who's better than J,J,?

( music playing )

♪

♪ J,J, Wilson ♪

♪ J,J, Wilson ♪

♪ J,J, Wilson ♪

♪ J,J, Wilson ♪

♪ J,J, Wilson ♪

And that's me,

alive and well on KAPH

or, as the owl said

to the pussycat,

Hoo! Hoo!

( mechanical laughter )

( chuckles )

If that's any indication

of what my show is like,,,

( groans )

( laughing )

,,,just putting you on,

because over the next six hours

you're gonna hear

the sounds of now,

sounds to blow your mind

ad do your thing by,

Sounds like,,,

,,,only J,J, can play,

Your kind of music, I know,

From midnight to dawn,

I picked it out,

♪ ( pipe organ ) ♪

( decreases volume )

( dialing phone )

( increases volume )

Sid?

J,J,

You happen to have

the right time on you?

Comin' west, I had to set

my watch back 200 years,

Me, complain?

Ha ha ha,

Let me tell you something, Sid,

Complainers are the

old maids of the world,

They know what they want,

but they don't know

how to get it,

Besides, what's there

to complain about?

You've ever seen station KAPH?

Let me tell you, Sidney,

it's somethin' else,

Uh, modern, Yeah,

Well, yeah, I guess you

could say that, but,,,

I think nostalgic

would be more fitting,

What I mean is, to Ben Franklin

it might be modern, but,,,

Oh, come on, Sidney,

Isn't that what I'm sayin'?

It's all relative,

Besides, nostalgia's in,

Hey, take a listen

to this music,

♪ ( pipe organ ) ♪

( lowers volume )

Heavy, uh?

That's just to grab 'em,

You wait till the word

gets around town

that J,J,'s doin' his thing,

The other jocks will be fighting

for seats on the next stage out,

Dinner?

( laughs )

Who said agents

aren't very bright?

Sid, what kind of

one tube station

only broadcasts from

midnight to six in the morning?

The Voice of Insomnia?

What are you trying

to do to me, Sid?

Ruin my career?

I'll tell you what career,

The-the career that's

put your amorphous frame

behind the wheel

of a new car every year,

That helped to build

that house on the island,

a-and kept Emily

from going bananas

much sooner than she did,

That's what c--

W--W-What are you--

what are you,,,

Oh, now I get it,

It took a while, Sid,

for that light bulb

over my head to turn on, but,,,

You thought

Emily and me were havin'--

Mm-hmm, Good,

And that's why you arranged

this gig for me

in Lower Slobovia,

Sid, I'm surprised at you,

Emily was your wife,

I always considered

myself your best friend,

Those weekends I went away,

it was fishing with Bert Fox,

If Emily happened to

be away at the same time

it was just a coincidence,

You check with Bert if you want,

Sid,

let's not plant

weeds on Emily's grave,

She loved you very much,

You could see it in her face

when she looked at you,

And believe me, Sid,

no matter what anyone says,

it was an accident,

Emily had too much to live for,

Well, you--you know what I mean,

Sid, uh, let me get in

touch with you later and,,,

look, I'm, I'm,,,

I'm sorry about

those things I said,

That's right, Said,

Who's better than us?

( increases volume )

( music ends )

Well, if that doesn't

blow your mind,

then I'm beginning to wonder

what fills up that space

between my ears,

Or, the pilot said before

takin' off

this afternoon from Fun City,

"J,J, I'm gonna be

flying at 30,000 feet,

You fly any higher than that,

and you're on your own,"

( mechanical laughter )

And wait till you hear what's

comin' to you next on KAPH,

The J,J, Wilson Show,

No, you groovy cats out there,

you tell me,

( eerie sounds playing )

And I thought we were

way out in Gotham city,

( decreases volume )

Bert? J,J,

Uh, look, I-I-I hope

I didn't wake you,

Yeah, yeah, I figured

you'd just be getting in,

By yourself?

( chuckles )

You're too much, Bert,

Listen, I-I won't

keep you long,

I got a little favor to ask,

Well, to tell you the truth,

I-I, I didn't want my friends

to know I was leaving

because I didn't want them to go

to the trouble

of having a party for me,

I figured, once

I got settled here,

No, it had nothin' to do

with the money I owe you,

The name of

J,J, Wilson is written

on every one of those markers,

What's it like here?

It's a whole, different

way of life, Bert,

People are friendly,

They can't do enough for you,

Like you take when

my plane landed this afternoon,

Are you ready for this?

A member of the

Chamber of Commerce

was waiting to meet me

at the airport with a limo,

My car? I gave it

to my kid nephew,

What's so funny?

Yeah, Bert, I had a mother

like everyone else,

( eerie sounds continue )

Uh, uh, um,

about that favor,

I talked to Sidney,

and somehow he got the idea

that Emily and I were

seeing each other before--

well, you know,

before she tried making

a Greek tragedy

out of her suburban life,

You didn't tell him

anything, did you?

No, of course I trust you,

Yeah, but just in case

he gets in touch,

Uh, remember about

the weekends fishing?

That's right,

Just you and me,

And a bunch of smelly trout,

Who said I was afraid of him?

I just don't like

hurting people, Bert,

You know that,

Besides, Sidney's been

like a father to me,

I like to think I kept

Emily from doin'

what she was destined

to do much sooner,

That's right, Bert,

Who's better than J,J?

( rock music playing )

( music distorts )

( weird electronic music )

MAN'S VOICE:

I conjure thee,

Spirits of darkness,

I summon thee

from the regions of hell,

Lucifer,

Ouyar, Chameron,

Aliseon, Mandousin,

Premy, Basago,

Gamagan, Marbus,,,

These hayseeds

have some sense of humor,

,,,Morax, Oriet, Naydrus,

Esmony,,,

They even got somebody

to imitate my voice,

,,,Hayras, Fabelleronthon,

Sodrino,

Lucifer, come unto me,

Wow, heavy, heavy,

Hey, let me clue you in

on what's happenin',

There's an old custom

amongst boss jocks

that when a new DJ

joins a station,

the other DJs try to

put one over on him, dig?

It's their way of making

him feel at home,

Well, let me tell you somethin',

You succeeded,

You know, I just

finished a 15-year gig

in the Big Apple itself--

New York City,

I mean, I was top jock,

No one could touch me,

But I left it all

to come here, Why?

To be reborn on KAPH

and to meet people like you,

Hey, groove on this,

Who's better than J,J?

His listeners!

Now, dig J,J, sounds,

The latest from The Karmas,

"Good vibes,"

Oh, Lucifer,

the condemned has

entered into the crucible

from which there is no escape,

Himon, Deur, Fusian,,,

A joke is a joke is a joke,

,,,Sitri, Beluth, Lyrogee,,,

All right, fellow DJs,

You can come in

with the champagne now,

,,,Eligor, Sipor, Eeops,,,

Surprise!

Hey, what's goin' on here?

Who do you hayseeds think

you're dealing with?

O monarch of all demons,

the condemned has

moved closer to your arms,

What "condemned"?

Closer to the final embrace,

That's some joke,

I-I really dig it,

Very funny,

Operator?

What do you mean I dialed

a disconnected number?

I dialed the operator!

How can the operator

be a recording?

The Prince of Darkness

will receive the condemned,

So much for

the Prince of Darkness,

I-I don't know what

the scene is like out there,

but it's wild in here,

That's why I want

you to listen real close,

( shrill pulsation )

All have been summoned

to witness the sacrifice

of the condemned,

September 4, 1959

to September 4, 1959,

May 5, 1968

to May 5, 1968,

October 3, 1970

to October 3, 1970,

The condemned

will humble himself

before the altar of sacrifice,

I will never humble myself!

The arms of Lucifer prepare

to embrace the condemned,

The arms of Lucifer?!

I fought the jungles

in New York City

and I won!

The sacrifice must be

carried out now!

Because I am J,J, Wilson,

and who is better than J--

( electrical crackling )