Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER:

Tonight's stars,,,

Vincent Price,

Agnes Moorehead,

E,G, Marshall,

Imogene Coca,

Desi Arnaz, Jr,

Ruth Buzzi,

and Brandon de Wilde,

How nice of you all

to come

to our little exhibition,

To the connoisseurs

amongst you,

those tasteful few

who take their art seriously,

we acknowledge

with no apologies

that you won't find

the works of the masters here,

because in this

particular salon,

we choose our painting

with an eye more towards

terror than technique,

A little

American Gothic here,

with the accustomed

accoutrements to mourning,

Tombstones and tears,

and the somber look

of the bereaved,

We generally

cry at funerals

out of a sense of loss,

A poor, unfortunate

loved one

who no longer

walk the earth,

He or she will simply

occupy six feet of it,

never to be seen

or heard from again,

or at least, we make

an assumption

that that's natural law,

and we subscribe to it,

But this painting here,

and we admit this

up front,

breaks that law,

It's called

A Death In the Family,

It offers up a new view

of death,

and it introduces you to

quite a family

who live here

in the Night Gallery,

( somber organ music

playing )

( knocking on door )

( knocking )

( knocking )

( knocking )

( knocking )

Mr, Soames?

That's right,

- From the home?

- That's right,

- They said they called you,

- A day or so ago,

We're behind in

our deliveries,

Uh, I'm supposed

to remind you,

it's 100 bucks

maximum payment

ten days after

the burial,

and you're supposed

to acknowledge

construction of the coffin,

Up here in

the right-hand corner,

it tells you what grave

it goes in, Here it is,

Grave 636, It's in

the charity section,

You can't miss it,

Sign here,

What about the name?

Name?

What's his name, Joe?

It should be on here,

Here it is,

Simon Cottner,

( quietly )

Simon Cottner,

Could I trouble you

to bring him in there?

Excuse me,

What about flowers?

- Flowers?

- Flowers,

And some kind of music,

Has a minister

been chosen?

And there's a question

of mourners,

We got a little breakdown

in communication goin' here,

Our instructions

is to bring it here,

It's a charity burial,

paid for by the county,

They supply a suit,

a blanket,

a hundred bucks for

the formaldehyde and the ground,

A hundred bucks,

We'll come back later

for the stretcher,

And mourners?

Come again,

Mourners,

People to mourn

his passing,

You know how long that guy

was in that home?

Thirty-odd years,

You know how many

friends he's got?

Zero,

You know how many letters

he's received in all that time?

Zero,

You know what they call that oil

burner we delivered him in?

A meat wagon,

Let me lay it out

for you, Mr, Soames,

You wanna throw in

a floral wreath,

a couple dozen

weepers,

a fife and drum corps,

that's your business,

But don't do it

on our account,

When a man dies,,,

when a man dies, it oughta be

everybody's business,

Mr, Soames,

when this man dies,

it's your business,

100 bucks worth,

Payable upon receipt from

the graves registration guy

that the hole got dug,

the box got placed,

and the hole got covered,

Now is there anything else

on your mind before we go?

A marker,

A stone,

A stone?

He wants a stone,

You can't bury him

in an unmarked grave,

The country supplies

a wooden marker

with the stiff's name on it,

Real nice printin',

Last name, first,

date of birth, date of death,

What else would you like?

A poem?

Come on, Joe,

"Cottner, Simon,

Age 81,

No known relatives,

Cause of death:

pneumonia,"

Simon, old man,

You lived 81 years,

Eighty-one years,

That's a bare epitaph

for 81 years,

You deserve more than

a $100 funeral,

But don't you worry,

You shall have more,

You shall have much more,

You shall have eternity,

Simon,

( groans )

Sure is light,

ain't he?

He was a little old man,

Wasted away,

( thunder crashing )

Have you seen anybody,

a car or anything?

Not between here

and the cemetery,

Who are you looking for?

Escaped convict,

He's armed

and considered dangerous,

So if you happen to see

somebody in a green coupe,

who's probably bleeding,

get to a phone,

- Bleeding?

- That's right,

The gas station attendant

in town is almost certain

he winged him

about an hour ago,

So if you happen to spot him,

don't get close to him,

He'll blow your head off,

I'll keep that

in mind, officer,

All right,

let him through,

( thunder crashing )

SOAMES: ♪ For he's

a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly

good fellow ♪

♪ For he's

a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody

can deny ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

♪ Which nobody

can deny ♪

♪ For he's

a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

Be back soon,

( wind howling )

( glass shattering )

Just freeze, mister,

Keep your mouth shut,

Quite a singer,

I was listening to you,

"For He's A Jolly

Good Fellow" yet,

Who is?

Who's a jolly good fellow?

You got somebody

in there?

You got a jolly good

fellow in there?

No one who could

harm you,

- A stiff,

- In a manner of speaking,

( panting )

That's a stiff

sitting in a chair

all dressed up

for a party,

That's Simon Cottner,

He was to have been

buried this afternoon,

A pine box was buried, but

I have other plans for Simon,

Lest you be unduly

disturbed, young man,

this is a funeral home,

( sighs )

Funeral home,

Well, the way I feel

right now, mister,

I'm pretty close

to the right place,

( pants, yells )

A deal, pal,

You give me

some dry clothes,

and a car,,,

and maybe a half an hour

or so without using the phone,

and I'll give you

a fast exit,

and you can forget

all about me,

You couldn't survive

an hour,

not the way

you're bleeding,

About the wheels,

All I have

is an old hearse,

A hearse,

That's what I need,

A nice, inconspicuous

item like a hearse,

Listen,

I know you don't

owe me anything,

and you can pick up the phone

any time you want to

and blow the whistle on me,

but do me a favor, okay?

Just let me lie down,

Just give me

a half hour or so,

so I can close my eyes,

You may stay

as long as you want,

You can lie on the sofa,

I gotta ask you

a question,

Of course,

Why?

Why the break?

You're very young,

Twenty-two,

That's not so young,

Very young,

To be bleeding to death

in a funeral home,

Beats dying in the rain,

And the cold,

Do you have a family?

No,

Nobody I know,

Nobody close,

We share something,

I didn't have

a family either,

I spent the first

16 years of my life

in an orphanage,

I'll never forget

those 16 years,

Why is that,,,

that stiff

all dressed up,

sitting in a chair?

Beats lying in a box

underground, I think,

You rest,

I'll fix some tea,

Hey,

I'm doing 99 years

for murder one,

You understand?

That means homicide,

first degree,

That means no parole,

That means

I'm a rotten apple,

Until tonight, the only

hand I ever got

was the back of it,

That and a kick

in the pants,

a taste of the sidewalk,

It's a funny thing,

I gotta wait until

the lights are half out

and I got

one foot in hell,

and I crawl on my hands

and my knees to a dead house,,,

to find somebody,

Somebody living,

Somebody warm,

Rest,

No one will

disturb you,

( thunder crashing )

♪ ,,,which nobody

can deny ♪

Hey, mister,

( singing continues )

Mister, where are you?

( singing continues )

♪ For he's

a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly

good fellow ♪

♪ For he's

a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

♪ Which nobody

can deny ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

♪ For he's

a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

Come in,

This is my family,

My wife,

Two children,

My mother,

Brother,

And this is my father,

Just arrived tonight,

We were having

a welcome home party for him,

Don't be frightened,

No one will hurt you,

Down here is only love,

and peace,

They're dead,

Dead?

Why?

Because they don't

struggle like the living?

Because they don't compete?

Because they don't hate?

Because they know

nothing of greed,

intolerance,

prejudice?

Out there

is the graveyard,

Out there,

the slaughterhouse

where they

kill and bury dreams,

A whole world full of

lonely pallbearers,

But down here,

in this room,

my son,

is a family,

- Down,,,

- ( knocking on door )

( knocking )

Stay here

and be quiet, son,

I'll try to get rid of them,

Help me up the stairs,

It's probably the police,

I don't care,

Now help me up the stairs,

Please, that's

not possible,

They've probably

come for you,

Now go back into

the living room with the family,

This isn't my family;

they're stiffs,

Now get out of

the way, mister,

I mean it,

Get out of the way,

Don't you understand?

I'm trying to help you,

Please,

You belong here,

Get out of the way,

mister,

I mean it,

Get out of the way!

( gunshots )

We were just having

a little homecoming

celebration

for my father,

My son,

And for myself,

The father,

The father

of the family,

WOMAN: Really, dear,

you understand why

I'm doing this, don't you?

It's for your own good,

you know,

I want to spare you

the unpleasantness,

I wouldn't do it if

it weren't for your own good,

Are you comfortable?

Just be patient,

It won't take much longer,

Dear,

Now, dear, you relax

and try not to worry,

Just a few more rows,

and in a little while,

it will be all over,

It's really

much better this way,

Once they tell you,

once you know for sure,

it makes no sense

sitting around

and waiting to be

eaten up by pain,

Now, dear,

we agreed last night,

this was best,

It's so easy this way,

Once the wall

gets sealed,

there's nothing to do

but lean back,

And in a little while,,,

a very little while,

the air will be gone,

and there'll be

nothing left but sleep,

No fear, no pain,

Just soft, sweet sleep,

It's not as though

we were leaving each other,

We'll always

be together really,

The same as in the days

when you went upstairs

to take a nap,

I couldn't see you,

couldn't talk to you,

Still, I knew

you were there,

Good-bye, dear,

Try not

to think about it,

Just set your mind

on remembering

the good years,

the good things,

and in no time at all,,,

( doorbell rings )

Dear?

Dear?

Someone's at

the front door,

I'll be back just as soon

as I see who it is,

A most unusual

graduation exercise now,

Its title:

The Class of '99,

A set of numbers

and a pair of eyes,

We'll move behind them now

to give you an idea

why we call the place you're in

the Night Gallery,

Good morning,

young ladies and gentlemen,

This is rather an anointed day

at our university,

The occasion

of the oral section

of your final examination,

Let me review briefly

our procedure,

I will direct

random questions

at various of you, and will

grade you immediately,

Keep in mind, however,

that the question may be

repeated at any time

to someone else,

Now, needless to say,

I wish you all

very good luck,

It is the hope

of the university,

its faculty

and administration,

that the class of '99,

already scholastically

so distinguished,

will continue its extremely

high level of performance

in this,

your final examination,

And with that,

ladies and gentlemen,

let us begin,

"General heading: science,

Sub-heading: propulsion,

In the middle of

the 13th century,

his scientific work

appeared in the Greek language

written by Marcus Graecus,"

Annotate that work for me,

please, Mr, Templeton,

The publication in question

was an extract

from works of Albertus Magnus

and Roger Bacon,

What was Roger Bacon

called, Mr, McWhirter?

The English powder monk,

Miss Wheeton,

in what language

is that work now available,

and how is it identified?

It is available

in a Latin translation,

its subtitle, Liber Ignium

ad Comburendos Hostes,

Name four men

in the past three centuries

whose work has been related

to propulsion, Mr, Johnson,

Sir William Congreve,

William Hale,

Dr, Robert Goddard,,,

The fourth name,

Mr, Johnson,

C,,, C,,,

A shining body of water,

or the Spanish affirmative,

Can you proceed,

Mr, Johnson?

It's a name with

two initials,

That will be all,

Mr, Johnson,

I said that will

be all, Mr, Johnson,

Part of my answer

was correct,

I'm sorry,

What is your point?

I said part of

my answer was correct,

- I gave you three names,

- And I asked for four,

I gave you three

out of four,

Yes, indeed you did,

Mr, Johnson,

And in giving me

three out of four,

you proved yourself

incompetent,

You are proving now,

by your behavior,

that you are even less

responsive to authority

than you are to

the scholastic criteria

established for

graduation,

Now will you sit down,

Mr, Johnson,

- or shall I,,,

- No, no, Please, sir,

I'll do as

I'm told, sir,

I apologize

for the delay,

Mr, Pullman,

fourth name,

C,N, Hickman,

Mr, Bruce, the portion

of the Newtonian theory

most relevant to

propulsion,

To every action

on any object,

there's an equal

and opposite reaction

on some other object,

Mr, Bruce,

given M is the mass

of the rocket,

and V is the velocity,

continue the equation,

The equation as follows:

extrapolate,

M would also be

the mass of the propellant,

and with V as the velocity,

the equation would read

V = V log E,

Very good,

We move now into

the behavioral sciences,

As you know,

ladies and gentlemen,

this is perhaps

the most important facet

of the university

curriculum,

Your capacity to function

in society and contribute

are of the essence,

Now, Mr, Clinton,

in the area of

social interrelationship,

a hypothetical case,

Look at Mr, Barnes

to your right,

The hypothesis follows,

Mr, Barnes is in

competition with you

for an extremely important

professional position,

Now, first I want you to

describe Mr, Barnes for me,

About 5'10",

Approximately 155 pounds,

- His age?

- Twenty-one,

Look at him again,

Is there any other

salient feature

which you might

consider relevant?

He's black,

And being black may pose

a special problem,

What sort of

a special problem?

He might be pushy,

aggressive,

Anything else?

He might be inferior,

Being black, he might

possibly be inferior,

So we have Mr, Barnes here

as an irritant,

a possible block

to your ambition,

An inferior man who is trying

to usurp your superiority,

What would you do to

a man like that, Mr, Clinton?

On the primary

emotional level--

That's all I want

from you now,

I'd slap him,

Quite correct,

Do so, if you will,

Yes, sir,

Rise, if you will,

Mr, Barnes,

All right, Mr, Barnes,

describe the gentleman

who has just slapped you,

Six foot tall,

180 pounds,

Twenty-one years of age,

blonde hair,

- Complexion?

- White,

- A Caucasian,

- A Caucasian,

Primary

emotional level again,

Your reaction,

Bigoted, Aggressive,

Pre-set prejudices,

- Illogical attitudes,

- And your response?

Slap him back,

Do so, if you will,

Mr, Barnes,

All right, gentlemen,

Independently, please,

A reaction to what

you have just done,

Satisfaction,

Mr, Barnes,

Satisfaction,

You may be seated,

gentlemen,

Miss Peterson,

in the area

of subconscious stimuli

to hostility,

look around the room,

if you will, please,

Pick a subject to whom

you instinctively respond

in a primarily

negative way,

Joanne Fields,

Miss Fields,

stand, if you will,

Face Miss Peterson,

Association,

Miss Peterson,

Well-dressed,

Obviously wealthy parents,

Social register,

that sort of thing,

Tends toward snobbery,

The source of hostility,

My family,

Southern Pennsylvania,

Father dead,

Mother uneducated,

Many brothers

and sisters,

Very poor,

No social distinction

at all,

Proceed, if you will,

Miss Fields,

A reaction, please,

Hostility first,

White trash,

Ignorant,

No graces,

Envious,

Money-conscious,

Social climber,

Proceed,

You may be seated,

Mr, Elkins,

The hypothesis

as follows,

A society made up

of your own kind,

and an enemy,

Pick out a potential

enemy, please,

William Chang,

PROFESSOR:

Stand up, Mr, Chang,

How would you view

a possible relationship

here, Mr, Elkins?

No relationship possible,

A question only

of survival,

Mr, Chang or you?

One or the other,

And how would you

translate that

into a form of action?

Kill him,

A little louder,

if you please, Mr, Elkins,

I'm not sure I heard you,

( loudly ) I said I would

have to kill him,

Modus operandi,

Mr, Elkins,

Proceed, if you will,

All right, Mr, Elkins,

proceed,

Mr, Elkins,

Mr, Elkins!

You deliberately missed

killing the enemy,

Yes, sir,

I can't hear you,

Mr, Elkins,

( loudly ) I deliberately

missed killing him, sir,

Why, Mr, Elkins?

I can't say,

You can't say?

Is that what I just heard?

Reflect for a moment,

Mr, Elkins,

and explain to me why you

failed to kill the enemy,

I'm not sure

he is the enemy,

You are not sure

that he is the enemy?

He's not the enemy,

He's not the enemy,

( students murmuring )

I can't deliberately

kill someone

without knowing why

I'm killing or who I'm killing,

I can't do that,

( murmuring )

He's infecting the others,

Deactivate all of them,

( voice distorting ) I can't

deliberately take a gun,,,

( tape rewinding )

I can't deliberately

take a gun,,,

- PROFESSOR: Unusual,

- Sir?

To find

such total resistance,

And unpleasant,

Give me selective control

over here,

Mr, Johnson,

your attention, please,

Mr, Johnson,

we have previously set up

the hypothesis

of a major social

and political problem,

Do you recollect it?

Yes, sir, I do,

You'd established

the presence of the enemy,

Requested Elkins to--

Never mind what I asked

him to do,

You are to assume

his role, Mr, Johnson,

and in the process,

you will explain to me

the new ramifications

of the problem,

Elkins refused to respond

to his responsibility,

He failed to kill

the enemy,

Very good,

Go on,

So, what evolved

is yet a second enemy,

In the nature of?

A traitor,

Subversive,

An unreliable,

( distorted voice

speaking indistinctly )

( distorted speaking

continues )

Very good,

Mr, Johnson,

You have reinstated yourself

most admirably,

You get an A,

MAN: Fellow students of

the graduating class of 1999,

It is my pleasant duty as

representative of the class

to make these few remarks

during this commencement

ceremony,

We need not be reminded

of recent history,

and why we are here,

It's sufficient to recollect

that major wars,

pestilence,

and pollution,

have reversed

the overpopulation trend

and left the world

depleted and diminished,

It is for this reason

that we have been created,

to repopulate society,

We have been created

by man in his image,

All that we know,

our attitudes, our values,

are part of the integral data

that's been fed into us,

and we shall use them

as a point of beginning,

We must be just,

but ruthless

in terms of survival,

We must recognize that

many of the ancient virtues

are simply weaknesses,

For example,

to tolerate an inferior

is an act of

misplaced compassion,

and as such,

interferes with our function

as members

of the society,

We shall repay our debt

to man by emulating him,

We shall act as men,

react as men,

We shall be men,

MAN:

Satisfaction guaranteed,

I believe that is

your motto,

Not merely my motto,

It's my life's dedication,

Twenty-five years

in the same location,

and I have yet to receive

my first customer complaint,

Perhaps I should forewarn you

concerning my requirements,

I am extremely particular,

Mrs, Mount,

Extremely particular,

Challenge me, sir,

Fling down your gauntlet,

The last girl I engaged

regrettably left

much to be desired,

Obtained through another

agency, n'est ce pas?

Remember our credo,

Satisfaction guaranteed,

Hmm,

Well, we shall see,

Mrs, Mount,

We shall see,

Shall I trot out

our first candidate?

- ( buzzer buzzes )

- By all means,

Your letter of inquiry

sets such uncompromisingly

high standards,

I have carefully selected

from among our girls

the very finest

we have to offer,

You did say

money was no object,

No, no, no object at all,

Ah, Miss Walters,

This is our Miss Walters,

She's only just

become available,

She's an honor graduate

of Cooper Business College,

Takes superb shorthand,

Types 120 words a minute,

speaks six languages--

Uh, she,,,

she's too fragile,

Too ephemeral,

I'm sorry,

Miss Walters,

Nothing personal,

but you won't do,

No?

( quietly ) No,

That will be all,

Virginia,

Would you send in

Miss Ransom?

Now, Miss Ransom's

bona fides

are, in some respect,

superior even

to the previous

applicant,

In her last position,

in addition to

her other duties,

she was responsible

for running

the entire

stenographic pool,

- ( door opens )

- Ah!

No,

No, She's not at all

what I'm looking for,

Very well,

Although I don't see,,,

Have Miss Caraway

step in,

( door closes )

This one, I'm sure,

will meet with your approval,

She's somewhat more,,,

mature, should I say?

Less distracting

to the eye,

But with her 20 years

of executive experience

behind her,,,

Thank you, Miss Caraway,

That will be all,

I was so certain that

you would select

from among the three

that you've interviewed,

You mean there's

no one else available?

No,

Oh, dear me,

This has never happened before,

Never in my 25 years

of operation,

And I promised you

satisfaction,

( door opens )

What about that girl?

Miss Blodgett? Oh, she's only

the filing clerk,

It doesn't matter,

She doesn't take

shorthand,

Makes no difference,

She can't type,

Nobody's perfect,

Her handwriting's

illegible,

She brews a perfectly

indigestible cup of coffee,

I think the amount

of this check

will make further conversation

unnecessary, Mrs, Mount,

You want her,

You actually want

Miss Blodgett?

She is precisely

what I have been looking for,

if you'll pardon

- the prepositional ending,

- But,,,

Remember your motto,

Mrs, Mount,

Satisfaction guaranteed,

Very well, sir,

When would you wish her

to report?

Oh, no,

Won't be necessary,

Won't be necessary?

No,

Why bother?

I can just

eat her here,