Original subtitles

Twelve is an exciting age for a gentleman.

An exciting, terrifying age when new, odd thoughts arise.

Sometimes these thoughts are brought on by tennis ladies.

Sweaty, grunty, Argentinean tennis ladies.

This woman is like a walking advert for cough drops.

And deodorant.

She'll be off now to gargle some TCP.

Sometimes these thoughts are brought on by bathing ladies.

Blonde, fairytale bathing ladies.

This is the moment when Martin realised that some cleaning is actually dirty.

What on earth is that?

How's it going, spanners?

Uncle Danny!

Hey!

You look so tanned.

Just got off the yacht, didn't I? - SINEAD: A yacht?

- How's it going, bro? - How are you, Dan?

- How do I look? - Well, uh...

Ah, there's me favourite nephew.

Come over here and embrace me, you little twerp.

Hi, Uncle Danny. I feel faint.

Nothing to see here.

* Dancing at the disco, bumper to bumper

* Wait a minute, where's me jumper

* Where's me jumper, where's me jumper

* Where's me jumper, where's me jumper Oh, no *

And Belgrade has this amazing water festival every fall.

Wow, you say fall now. Like they do in 90210.

- I suppose I do. - Amazing.

Daniel Moone was a busker

who left Ireland a year ago to embark on a rock 'n' roll lifestyle.

They call that coffee "a cap of chino".

Travelling around Europe, sleeping under bridges

and basically behaving like a homeless person.

What was Yugoslavia like?

Oh, amazing. Good people. Really good people. Good hearts.

-What about Venice? - Oh, Venice!

- Indescribable, really. - Amazing.

- He didn't say anything, Martin. - Yes, he did.

He said it was indescribable. Deaf-head.

This is what happens when you pitch a tent in Lyon in the dark.

Was that a traffic island?

Nothing like waking up to the beautiful sound of French horns in the morning.

'Cause it's an instrument, too.

Oh, because it's a sound that a car makes in France,

but it's also a trumpet.

- Exactly. - Oh!

Oh, you're right. That's so good.

Funny and clever, 'cause it's two things.

Its two things!

Hey, any more thoughts on last night's trouser incident?

Oh, my God. What was that?

Maybe an allergy thing? Oh, had you eaten strawberries?

- Don't think so. - Oh.

I'll tell you something, it was not pleasant.

I wouldn't worry about it, buddy.

It's probably just some kind of infection, you know, possibly fungal.

Maybe get yourself a bag of frozen peas or a small rock-hammer.

I think I'll ask around first. See if it's catching.

So you started to pitch the old tent, huh?

You're flying the flesh flag. Building the dirty snowman.

Been there, kid. Been there.

- So... What does it mean? - I don't know.

Um, Daniel, if you're looking for that old guitar you left here,

I tucked it away for you.

Janeane? Where did you put her?

Not somewhere damp, I hope.

Wouldn't want her fretboard to get warped.

Oh, don't worry, Dan.

We kept Janeane in a strictly moisture-controlled environment for you.

I was thinking I might head out and see Dad later.

Ah! I'm sure he'd love to see you. He can have visitors until 9:00.

What are you talking about?

You didn't put him in a home, did you? - Don't call it the...

He loves it up there.

He's flirting away with all the bed-bound women.

You could've talked to me about it. - LIAM: And I do that how?

By scrawling a message on a toilet door in Berlin?

They must be much happier since they got rid of that old wall.

I'm here now, amn't I?

And you can imagine how blessed we all feel about that.

Although our back wall came down there recently and it was a right pain.

I think I'll head out there now, actually.

Hang on.

We'll both go out and see him later, if you like.

At least Boyle is relatively Nazi-free.

Talking to myself now.

Have you used any public swimming facilities lately?

They're a breeding ground for funguses.

- Fungi. - Fungi, I mean.

No, but last week, Mam defrosted a chicken while I was taking a bath.

Oh, oh, yeah. That's your culprit.

It's just some kind of groin-based salmonella, I'd say.

Fingers crossed.

-Marty. - Oh. Hiya!

Who are you talking to?

Uh... You! We're talking.

You said, "Marty", then I said, "Hiya."

Then you said, "Who are you talking to?"

And then I started talking and I haven't stopped since.

You don't still have that imaginary friend, do you?

Sean Murphy? No.

- What are you now, 11? - 12.

Yeah, leave your coat on, we're going to the nursing home to see Granddad.

- But it's not Christmas. - We don't just visit at Christmas.

Fine, but if I see one sprout...

It just broadens the mind, you know? Course you do.

Promise me, though, you'll never take Hungarian acid.

Okey-dokey.

Seriously, bro, it's lethal!

Well, acid burns through everything, doesn't it?

It's simple fourth class science.

That's a little pub in Croatia we used to go to.

Are we allowed to turn on the TV?

Sinead.

This is on the ferry, out to one of the islands.

- Is there no pictures of you? - Well, I was taking them all, so.

Ah, that was one of my favourite places for busking.

So you're still playing, huh?

Well, I couldn't let those lessons you gave me go to waste, could I?

Are you eating that jelly, Granddad?

Oh, help yourself, Michael. It's like rubber offal.

Rubber offal! I'm sure it's not that bad.

Do you want to eat it?

I like all jellies.

It's great to see you again, son.

It's getting late. We'd better shoot off.

- See you soon, Dad. - Yeah, at Christmas.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Right, come on.

Take care of yourself, Joe.

We'll be in the car.

It's just you and me now, Madge,

with your lovely eyes and big hairy nose.

Janeane.

Piece of piss.

What the hell?

Good night, Sean Murphy.

I said good night, deaf-head.

Sean? Where the hell are you?

Indeed, where the hell was I?

Actually I was here, having a nice, relaxing pint

with all the other rejected imaginary friends.

You hustling me?

- Can I play the winner? - We'll play doubles.

I haven't been rejected. Just come here when Padraic's kippin'.

We've got the mystery of the...

Drinking tea and watching The Late Late Show.

Another wild night in Boyle, eh?

If there's somewhere else you'd rather be, no one's stopping ya.

The question is is that a duck or a drake?

Where else would you see a potato shaped like a duck?

Saw a lot of things in Amsterdam.

Save the wacky-backy stories for the kids, will you?

Anyone want the last Jammie Dodger?

Man, you know what?

I've been getting this really resentful vibe off you ever since I got back.

Jammie Dodger? Jammie Dodger.

- Have you now? - I have, yeah.

Seems like a jealously thing to me, man.

Can you stop calling me "man"?

I'm not some fella you stole marijuana off.

Or bought marijuana from.

Okay, Liam, I'll avoid calling you a man in future.

You'll have to wait. You won't have to wait long.

It's a drake.

That looks nothing like a duck.

New balls, please.

New balls, please.

New balls.

New balls, please.

Everything's getting wet.

I need new balls.

- I need new balls. - What?

Oh, hey.

Hi.

- You all right? - Yeah. Great. Great.

Everything okay down there, bud?

Yeah.

Dry as a bone.

Martin, get up for school.

Gotta go. Dreams are mad, aren't they?

Mine are extremely boring.

"Hey, why don't you take a chill-pill, man?"

"Oh, yeah, what's that?

"Daniel, the reason I can't take a chill-pill

"is 'cause I've got bills-bills."

Are you not talking to me?

Sounded like you were having a fake argument with yourself there, bro.

I was making some brilliant points, too.

You'd have been stumped.

Look, I probably went a bit over the top last night.

Ah, we both went a bit over the top. - You especially.

Listen, there's actually something else I wanted to bring up.

Well, I'm a bit unrehearsed for that now.

It's about Martin.

So the dams burst, huh? The trawlers went out to sea?

The choo-choo's left willy station?

Been there, kid. Been there.

You don't know what it means, do you? - Not a clue.

I have a theory about it being related to cloud formations,

but there's no real science behind it.

I appreciate your honesty.

So, what did you do with the sheets?

- You brought them to school? - What else could I do?

I didn't have time to bury them.

- He was just 14 years old. - Oh!

Foreign exchange student told him that imaginary friends were for babies, baby.

Oh, what a dick!

Where was he from, this overseas dream-wrecker?

- Florence, I think he said. - Bloody Spaniards.

What with the lack of imagination and the bull murdering.

I hate Spaniards!

What the... Where's Crunchie "Danger" Haystacks gone?

Home.

No, I think you're wrong.

Tigers are definitely female lions.

It just doesn't seem right.

- Crunchie "Danger" Haystacks? - That's my name.

Tigers are female lions, right?

They certainly taste the same.

He agrees with me.

Hey, Sean's kinda gone missing. Does Crunchie ever go on holiday?

He went snorkelling in a volcano with Bigfoot once,

but he was back by morning.

- Weren't ya, Crunchie? - It wasn't worth me while, pal.

Terrible visibility, lava.

So, wait a second, are you taking the lead on this or...

- What? No, I thought you were. - No.

No, that's fine. I was just...

I didn't know if you wanted to. I just... I'm fine.

You're sure you don't want my input on this?

I know the lingo.

I know the lingo. I invented the feckin' lingo.

I just thought he might find it a little less embarrassing if it came from me.

Daniel, thanks. I've got it.

Suit yourself.

Martin! Welcome home, darling.

Martin, please, come and join us here at the table, will you, please?

Thanks for coming in.

Good to see you.

Good luck.

Please, take a seat.

Look at you there. Here we are.

Right.

Actually, I think I'll stay sat.

- Can I stand? -No.

It has come to our attention that you've been the victim of a...

Bit of a night-time incident.

Oh, can a man not wet his own bed in this house any more?

Listen, what's happening is perfectly natural. Listen to me.

- But I'm sleepy. - Women.

Men.

What's it all about, huh? Who knows?

Well, you don't know. That's why we're doing this. So...

Girls are essentially creatures of the night.

They're fascinating and alluring and...

- Take your mother here. - Please don't.

Birds, bees and other winged...

God, I'm sleepy too.

Penises.

Vaginas.

Marty, do you want to come busking in town, buddy?

Do I?

Well, that was something.

Not quite as intense as me explaining periods to Sinead, but close.

What do you mean the moon is going to make me bleed? I'll make the moon bleed!

"I know the lingo, man." That's about all you feckin' know.

Jesus Christ!

To be honest, Marty, there's only so much I can teach you.

But I'm always here for questions, okay?

You're at a lovely stage now. Enjoy it. Have fun.

Get yourself some girlie mags.

You'll figure the rest out yourself.

Girlie mags. Right.

Ah, I should've brought some back from Germany.

When I was on tour with U2, we had girlie mags on tap.

You were on tour with U2?

I was The Edge's roadie. Used to look after his plectrums.

- Wow. What was he like? - Oh, force of nature.

He was the real boss in that band. Always made Bono carry his gear around.

No!

I remember one night after a show in Prague, I think it was.

Couple of the roadies were about to lift a big, heavy amp backstage

and The Edge came along and said, "No. Leave it. Make Bono carry that."

Aw, poor little Bono.

Hey, shall we do a U2 song in tribute?

Oh, yeah, do Sunday Bloody Sunday!

- You like that one, eh? - Yeah! I bloody hate Sundays.

Come on.

- Martin, we have to go now. - * I can't believe the news today

* I can't close my eyes and make it go away

* Sunday, Bloody Sunday

* Sunday, Bloody Sunday Bloody Sunday *

Whoo!

Sorry we got interrupted like that.

I think we should probably continue having that chat we were having.

I think we got as far as vaginas.

It's okay, Dad. Danny and I talked.

Girlie mags. Girlie mags.

Read it. Read it. Read it.

I think you just have to let it go, love.

You know, he doesn't mean it.

I don't think he knows what he's saying half the time.

Yeah.

Hey.

Look, I don't want to have an argument

but I did say that I was going to do the whole birds-and-bees thing.

Well, I just figured I'm more experienced than you.

- All the travelling and all. - Oh, not this shite again.

- Excuse me? - What's the last country you were in?

Uh...

- Norway, I think. - Norway?

Right. And tell us something.

Do you not need a passport to get into Norway?

What are you talking about?

I found it in your old guitar case.

Where have you been?

Carlow? What the hell have you been doing in Carlow?

Working in a sugar beet factory.

So, just so I get this straight.

For the last year you've been working in a sugar beet factory in Leinster?

- Sometimes. - Sometimes. Right.

Where did you get the photos?

Found them on a bus.

LAUGHS)

- Funny, huh? - Actually, that's quite funny, yeah.

Well, I'm happy that you find my life so amusing.

Holy moly!

Well, I'll not be doing that again.

So, major update.

Not now, Martin.

Sean? Sean!

Martin, get up!

- Where's Uncle Danny? - He had to leave town.

Why? 'Cause you were fighting again?

No.

He told me to tell you this.

Bono needed him in Zagreb.

- He said you'd understand. - That bloody Edge!

Martin, where are your sheets?

I got it.

* Children playing building castles on the shoreline

* Like a painted little love and lord it feels so fine

* Don't go

- So what's been going on? - Nothing much.

- Quite a week, yeah? - Yeah.

Good man.

* While the sun smiles

* Stick around and laugh a while yeah

* Aha, aha *