Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

God damn you Gürkan!

Look dear Altan, don't you curse!

We get doomed each time because of your cursing.

What worse can we get? Look at how we are.

No, don't you say that.

Think of how terrible things we see on TV every day.

The uncle screw with the brother in law and stuff.

-What's an uncle and a brother in law? -Inter family winter Olympics let's say.

Look bro, don't you bother yourselves with hanging us down the bridges...

...or crucifying us. The best is for you to pull out those wooden boards...

...then to shove them up our asses. It'll be better for you and us.

And you can shove my share up to my brother's ass.

Don't you worry guys...

...Father Nizam will kindly fulfil your last wish.

Bro, I was joking.

Altan, be serious.

Once we're Father Nizam's favourite, we'll get this going bro...

...no one can mess with us then...

...at most they will back us.

Bro, don't you provoke those men by saying...

...no one will mess with us, when there's no sign of that, ok?

Are you dead or alive...

...or are you just and illusion?

I love Neyzen.

He has lots of deductive lines.

But my favourite verse is, what good is this light, when the beginning...

...and the end is dark?

By saying the beginning he means...

...birth.

-The end is death. -Death.

-Now... -Ok I get his philosophy.

-I respect that. -So he means dear Altan;

...Take things easy he says.

-He says Carpe Diem. -What?

Bro, Carpe Diem.

Live life as you like it, OK?

Don't you worry too much he says, and think about pleasure only.

-Right bro? -Like the rope and the belt, right?

Sure, if it works out, fine, if not who cares...

If I solve my probs fine, if not, I don't give a fuck...

-...that's what you mean, right bro? -Just like us bro!

-Just like us! -Just like you.

Exactly! You're done with your light. You're at the end of the road.

The end bro.

By saying the end Altan, you mean...?

Please bro, no need for that.

-Altan go on, tell the bro. -Tell him what?

What do you mean what?

Look bro, I've told him not to do it...

...I said these men were dangerous.

I said they'd f... us day and night.

-Did I not Altan? -You didn't, you idiot!

-How did I not? -He said I didn't...

...you're lying, you cad! Bro, he's such a liar.

-Swear. -I swear.

-Swear on the holy Koran. -I swear on the holy Koran.

-Say f... the bro. -F... the bro.

-He says f... the bro. -What you talking about?

Bro, I'm so sad, do I know what I'm saying?

Please don't.

Bro, give me your blessing.

Altan, when you lost something and Uncle Necmi used to smack you...

-...remember? -He'd smack real hard.

I used to steal all your stuff bro. Give me your blessing.

I do.

And remember how I'd make you buy lots of stuff...

-...and make you pay for them. -Yeah you would, always.

-I need your blessing on that too. -I do, bro, of course I do.

There's one more thing dear Altan. Though I know you'll give blessing...

...on that too, but I want to tell you anyway.

There was this girl and you were so in love with her...

...I was going to be your matchmaker, remember?

I made out with her. Forgive me OK?

I do not you moron! I do not!

And I take back all the blessings!

I was totally in love with her!

What, you cad! How do you not!

Are you gonna sell your friend of 30 years for a broad?

Speak right about her!

Look here, if my hands were not tied up...

-...I'd smack you real hard. -God damn you Gürkan!

-Don't curse! -Really Altan, exactly!

What a big cad you are!

-I don't give my blessing to you. -What shitty...

...worthless men are you?

It is your kindness. You are really pampering us.

We're trying to deserve your appreciation, bro.

It's ok to say bro, right? Thank you.

He's not worth it...

...not in a million years...

...but I'll give you one last chance.

I love last chances bro.

Good.

You'll get my son from prison.

You mean, we're gonna kidnap a man from prison bro?

Yeah, yeah.

It's all been planned. You'll just do as told.

No thinking.

I last thought about something in primary school, in grade three.

Good, you'll do as told. There'll be no thinking.

No thinking.

Did we do it right, by leaving the job to these idiots Father Nizam?

Whatever trouble we faced, it was because of those two.

Let the police chase these idiots Sıtkı.

Load it.

Come on bro, jump in.

Come this way...

Come again. Stop!

But bro, we don't know how happy...

...Cevat will be when he sees us.

If he doesn't hug us the minute he sees us, I will be mistaken Altan.

Exactly.

Father Nizam accept us the family for sure this time...

...or he wouldn't give us such an important job bro.

Wow! My bro!

Be wise Altan, wave your hand. Thanks bro.

Sons of a bitch...

-What are those bro? -Stop playing you!

Nice car, but we'll learn.

What if they fail? What if they can't kidnap Cevat?

It is such an easy thing that even these idiots can do it.

They'll drive the truck and come back, that's it.

Don't push the buttons, ok.

Go on.

What's this?

-Don't bro, don't play with them. -What is it?

Stop! What are you doing? The man's gone!

Stop! What are you doing? Stop.

Stop! Why are you pressing a button you don't know.

-What happened? -The man's gone.

Stop! No, no way.

It worked!

Altan, those men will get really angry with us!

Stop what are you doing? Stop! The man's gone!

Stop, what are you doing? Where are you going? Hey!

One minute! Stop! No. Stop!

Sıtkı.

I have a bad feeling...

...my Cevat is late.

Father Nizam, those guys are going in the wrong direction.

How?

They stopped at an irrelevant place.

What do you mean they stopped?

Why don't they move?

What's going on Sıtkı?

Death doesn't suit our brother Cevat, Altan?

Not at all.

Bro! Is that brother Cevat's thumb that's coming out of your mouth?

We are the men who have eliminated Cevat Bakır, Altan.

From now on, no one can mess with us.

I will f... the man who'll stand against me Altan.

Damn the day I met you bro!

Now Father Nizam is gonna stitch us together.

We killed his son in the refuse collector.

Was it me who said let's carry this man in refuse collector?

Was it my idea Altan?

-Why are you pressing the buttons? -Did I press them?

Did you not play with them all the time? I told you not to!

-Did I play with them? -Yes you did!

Don't do things on your own! Did I pay for this Altan?

Is this our thing?

He should be the man to do the right thing to have his son kidnapped.

You think so?

I sure do.

-So what do we do now? -What shall we do?

We'll run away.

-So that we disappear. -Sure thing.

What do we do, where do we go?

There's your grandpa's house.

Let's go to my grandpa's and disappear.

We'll get lost for two, three weeks. No one will come to look for us.

We'll think about what to do later on.

Ok let's do it then.

Dear Altan, two things keep your head high.

-One is your right foot. -Is the other the left foot Gürkan?

-You're a very clever brother. -F... you!

But you curse too much...

How can you think of...

ONE AND ONE 3: YOU SHAKEN ME...

2 months later

I'm hungry!

I'm hungry!

I'm hungry!

I will start with...

We all have this trouble because of you.

Let go Gürkan!

Altan you need to love the dead even if you're dead yourself.

I've been hungry for months. How can one do that to his brother?

Consider it as a payback for what you've done to me for 30 years Gürkan!

You've given your blessing then?

There's not a single soul left in family since I knew you.

If I died, not even one person would pray behind me.

Say I got married. I don't even have two witnesses for the wedding ceremony.

Can you give blessing on a single olive?

So you already have the broad and now it's only a matter of wedding.

God damn you Gürkan!

Don you curse! We'll end up bad!

Let go, you! You idiot!

Let go!

What worse could happen to us bro?

Father Nizam's men are looking for us everywhere.

They've questioned and tortured the ones who know us.

He's made my mom his wife and...

...sold dad to a night club in Taksim.

We've made real wrong decisions bro.

We've made wrong attempts, let me tell you this.

We've annoyed the great fathers.

I do not know but, we've become victims of inexperience...

...in a champions league bro.

We need more solid and bigger jobs.

Like...

...loansharkings in a neighbourhood kind of thing bro.

-Loansharkings? -Yeah.

You'll do that too?

We don't have money for olives and you're talking about...

...loansharkings, good lord!

What can I say? You have no vision bro.

I'll start with yours...

-Shut up you with no vision.. -You shut up.

Renowned professor Osman Kabaoglu has been conned by the phone swindlers.

The terrorist organization will clear your account you need to transfer...

...50 grand to that account right away, were the words the professor believed.

When he realized he was conned, it was too late.

The police are looking for the phone swindlers everywhere.

Altan! I got it bro!

-You got what bro? -Our five-year-development plan.

-We're rich bro! -Really?

Give me your phone. Do you have units?

-God, you hungry dog! -There, take it, you hungry dog.

Now we need a man of 50,60 or say 70...

...80 or 90 at most with some money.

-Who could that be bro? -Shall I call our market owner?

-Would that work? -He is dead.

-I'll call his son. -Stop!

Call my great aunt Fatma.

Altan, how can you con your aunt bro?

You can bro.

If he can't buy olives, he can even con his mum.

I'm shocked. Shivering.

Wow!

You are a great guy!

You're embarrassing me, don't do that please.

I love you more everyday bro.

I love you too. Come on.

-Tell me now. -0591... -591

...257 -57

...45 -83

-...83 -Come on now. What's her name?

-Fatma. -Fatma.

Hello?

-Hello, Auntie Fatma? -Hello, this is Chief Inspector Kemal...

...calling from the police station!

Your name is linked with a terrorist organization.

Hello? A wire net?

I say terror, she hears it as wire net.

Terror lady, terror!

Terror organization!

You'll be in trouble if you don't pay us two thousand liras.

I'll put you in jail, I 'll grab you by the neck, ok?

At the corn stall! 5 pm, in front of the mall!

What did I install?

Corn stall I said, she hears it as I installed something.

I'm wet now, cause I fancy you.

-Good Lord! -Hello?

What does she say?

Says it's like a banana, stay out of it.

Hello? Auntie... are you gonna be there?

Are you? With two grand? At 5 pm.

-She says she will. -Does she?

Ok, kiss you, bye. I kiss your hands.

Quick! I'll take you, be smart.

-Ok bro! -It sure is ok, your bro never misses anything.

-Kiss my hand! -F... you! You're my brother.

But, how are we gonna get out of here?

Father Nizam's men are looking for us all over the place.

Dear Altan, we'll disguise. I got that covered.

But we need to improve our clothes a bit.

We look like bandits.

I'll get that covered as well. No worries.

Yeah? OK then. Your look...

Meow!

Meow!

Did that sound come from you, you rat head?

Yeah, it's me. Did you bring the money?

Chief Officer Kemal, is that you?

Yeah yeah, I'm an undercover cop, keep quiet.

You give the money, we'll deal with the rest.

All right son, ok.

Please take care of this job well...

...and don't let me rot in prison at this age.

You will not. Go on, give me the money!

All right, go now, go.

Altan!

-Where did she take the money from? -From her bra.

Give that!

Bro, you prepare Cevat's bathing suit, sun cream...

...and towel.

By tomorrow evening you'll have sailed to Akdeniz.

Altan...

...have I not told you that we'd be rich?

-Shall we get a car too bro? -A car?

I'll buy you a plane! A plane!

We'll get on a coach bro.

You take the mum and I'll comb the daughter's hair.

We'll be brothers-in-law.

-Good Lord. -He sure is great.

Then the money and the girls will start flowing.

This state of being horny will come to an end.

But I have such great fantasies Gürkan, bro.

Look here, I'll cover my body with chocolate...

-...I mean all over. -What? You'll stink!

You won't be the one to lick me, so what is it to you? The women can worry about that.

Then I'll put cream on my head.

-You're so jealous. -Everyone can lick my head.

Sure bro. That's how it is.

Altan, let's keep working. God doesn't like idleness you know.

-Come on then, stick it. -Call that number, go on.

Dial it.

It's ringing.

There, bro.

There, bro.

Come here, take that. You two share that, ok?

There, you take that too.

There bro.

Hello? Could you take that?

Bro? What's with the attitude? There you are.

Good job. There bro, take that.

There bro. Respectfully.

Go on, work bro. Give that bro one.

-There, you take one. He can't do it. -Have a nice day.

You!

-Who are those? -They must be sent from the company.

But we're the only ones from the company to make visits.

Or are they hacker animators?

Are they gonna do their show and collect the money that's ours?

Sponge!

I never let others take away my bread. Sponge!

I'll blow their minds off! Do you hear me?

Let's understand what they are.

Let's go. Follow them.

All right, come on.

-Hello. -Hi.

Bro, have a nice day but what do you want?

Thanks bro, we're...

...waiting for someone.

You do your thing go a bit far away and don't mingle with us ok?

-Go on, go away. -Bro, who sent you?

No one, we came here on our own.

You say you're hacker animators then?

Look bro, let's calm down...

...you just move from here.

-Gürkan? -What if we don't idiot?

Spider shit!

Gürkan what in hell are you doing? What do you want?

-They'll just run away in a bit. -They don't look like it at all.

What's going on?

-What is it? -Put your hand down!

-What's with the gestures? -Put your hand down.

-What if not? -Put it down bro!

-What's going on? -Put your hand down you shit!

Look I've had enough!

Come on then Sponge!

Bro, I'll stab this guy if you let me.

-Would you let me? -Please don't.

-Would you wait a minute? -Sure, I have plenty of time.

I will f... your cunt.

They all wanted that but it was never meant to happen.

-Sponge don't stop me! -One minute bro.

I'm stabbing him if you'll excuse me.

Still couldn't open that pocketknife? Give me that!

Wait a sec.

What is it now?

-Sponge! -I will f... you!

Come over here!

We'll hold a party this evening for the top names in Istanbul.

I don't want any mishaps.

I'm thinking of selling this painting...

...to one of them.

For your information, I will tolerate no problems.

The security level is at max sir.

Nobody can bother you as long as it's not the end of the world.

Good.

Have you dealt with your aunt's window thing?

You know, she'll be around people.

We took care of that bro.

Good.

By the way...

...find an animator Santa Clause so that...

...they'll entertain people...

...and make it a nice party.

I think my tooth just fell.

I have no idea why Gürkan beat us that hard.

Altan they'd crucified us without a single hit...

...but this Sponge Bob smacked us bad, bro.

Well I'd have beaten him if we were one on one.

But that Spider man is trained bro, he is a commando or something...

...and he spat inside my mouth, shithead.

I'd have eaten that Spider man alive but...

...spider in our religion is a holy animal you know.

I didn't hit the bastard thinking we'd be doomed.

What more doom could we get?

I can't move my arm. Can it be broken?

Let me see... I can move it, it's not broken.

It hurts terribly, Altan we got a lot of attention here.

It's the evil eye bro.

Yeah I know.

We need to do things that get less attention.

Let's do something like a normal human being does.

Let's be Santa Clause bro.

No one will smack him out of respect for his age.

-Let's be Santa Clause. -I love him.

I know how much you like him.

I'm chief inspector Ahmet, who are you? Who on earth are you?

Don't speak, your name is linked with the terrorist organization.

We came across your name, on providing money for the terrorist organization...

...you'll bring 2500 Turkish Liras to the mall today...

...to the mall...I can't say it properly because of my teeth.

The Mall, mall.

You'll bring it to the corn stall at the mall.

Did you get that? You cads! I'm a government officer!

-Sir, sir? -How do I know you?

You will! Is there anyone who doesn't know me?!

I'm a government officer! What do we wear?

Santa Clause...

I'll be disguised as Santa Clause. I'll be wearing his clothes.

I will come with a friend.

You'll say, “How are you Santa?” When I reply, “Ho, ho, ho” you'll give me the money.

Done! That's all there is, nothing else! Hang up the phone!

He smacked real hard, that bastard!

What?

Right, put him through.

Hello?

This is inspector Fırat, from financial crimes.

What?

Good.

At 5 pm...

...at the mall...

...dressed up as Santa.

All right, now pretend that you believe him.

Take this money to the swindlers.

We're gonna catch them red-handed.

OK, I'll be there with the money at 5 pm.

Hello? Ismail?

Get the men together and come over. Be quick.

Bro? How are my shoes?

Perfect bro.

-I swear you're killing it. -I bought them from Paris.

You lie perfectly well bro.

Don't laugh like that.

I bought them from the Parisian flea market.

Good Lord.

We're Muslims too bro.

Let go bro, stop it.

-Dear Altan, I'm gonna stab him. -Don't mess with the knife and stuff...

...we keep getting beaten all the time. I'll start with your knife.

-What a show off. -Exactly.

-Hello. -No way!

Bro, we don't want any trouble, please...

...we'll stand over there.

Yeah bro, we'll just see someone here and leave please let's not argue...

-...and stuff, we've had enough. -No, you got me wrong.

Since I am the deer animator, I thought...

...it would be nice to stand next to you, cause you're Santa...

-...I think it's a beautiful idea. -Look bro, please leave, I ask you that.

It's just the two of us. We're not in for the group idea.

Bro, are you sure we can find it here?

They don't sell a single lady in those god damn malls...

...don't you worry.

-Look... -Will you please leave?

Bro, there are some men dressed in red.

-What do you mean don't? -That's enough, please.

-Hello brother. -Hi.

-Are you busy tonight. -No bro.

What I mean is... My friend wants to say his best wishes.

We're giving a party tonight and we need rubbish looking guys like you.

We're expecting all three of you to this address.

-But bro, you got us wrong. -Here is 10 grand cash.

Do you need handcuffs or whips and stuff?

We could pour cream on each other.

Altan look at this money. How much there is animating...

...I can't believe my eyes. Yes bro, legitimate money...

-...is my favourite. -Where shall we go tonight?

What? Get off you!

Look bro, you're now a joker. Please leave. What shall we do with him?

Bro, I don't need you...

...I am just perfect being an entertainer.

-Are you funny? -Yeah.

I'll give you fifty liras. Or I'll say you're dead.

Yeah we will. All right then, come with us.

OK bro, 50 is fine by me. Whatever you say.

-Go on Gürkan. -He'll do the petty work.

Wow! Look at that house bro! It is great!

When you have ill-gotten money this is what you get.

-Ill gotten? -Yeah sure.

They must either be in human trafficking or in drug dealing.

-So that's how certain I am bro. -Or he could be an industrialist.

How many industrialists have you seen in your life bro?

You have an idea on everything. I'll start with you!

-Shall I smack him Altan? -No don't, don't.

-Shall I hit him? -Don't bro.

-A bit bro? -No, don't.

-No way, I'll smack him Altan. -Please don't...

-...we're all here for our food. -An industrialist lives in a residence ok?

The thieves live in a villa so that they can run away easily.

Like you've seen a lot of villas.

How many have you seen yourself?

My dad was an industrialist bro.

Your dad was a beggar at Eminönü, and begged for money...

...after the Friday prayers.

Your dad works at a night club, do I say anything about that?

-Speak right about my dad. -They've made your dad a broad.

-They're pumping him up. -Guys what's going on?

-Nothing. -Shall we deal with it?

-Please don't. -No, we're just...

...rehearsing our jokes about tonight.

Altan.

Is that a Russian showgirl behind that glass window.

I hope so, bro.

Because I love Russian showgirls!

Me too Altan.

We're so lucky bro.

-We'll burn... -Cut the crap!

That is, Miss Neslihan, our boss's fiancée.

No man's hand has ever touched hers.

Mr. Bilal gives a lot of importance to virginity.

That's why he keeps her in a bell jar.

One moment, one minute.

Women were given the right to vote and be voted for many years ago in this country...

...or am I wrong?

I will hit you hard here now.

Altan let's give him his 50 liras, so he'll get off.

Why do you interfere with everything?

Sorry bro, a woman's virtue is very important for us too.

Right bro?

Yes bro, we live only for that virtue. Me and my bro.

-I am so proud of you. -Thank you brother.

If you need any help on virtuous matters and need to shed blood...

-...here is my card... -Let's cut it guys!

Get seated in the corner. You'll be taking stage towards midnight.

-Go on! -Countdown is on us bro.

-12,11... -It doesn't start from 12...

-...doesn't it start from 10? -When it's 12, it's not...

Ladies and gentlemen...

...this rare painting is a precious work of...

...four renown, worldwide famous artists.

It's market worth is at least 20 million dollars.

Twenty million?

But I got that from a businessman who was pushed for money for 13 million dollars.

Mr. Bilal, you are an expert on such guys' goods.

Yeah, I am the prophet of those men.

The man could only pay his debts with the money he got from me...

...if he wants to do business, he'll have to bring me...

...some more paintings but at half their price.

Take a good look at this painting.

It could be decorating your wall tomorrow evening.

Sweetie, what gift would you like?

I'll tell you what, where's the chimney in your house?

Don't know.

But I know where it is.

Get in line again, ok? Come on now.

Happy new Year.

My little sparrow.

My sparrow!

-My little sparrow! -What gift shall I give you my love?

What's going on here? What lousy behaviour is that?

The animators are entertaining the guests. It's a new year party.

What are you saying bro, don't bother me!

Why are they letting people sit on their laps?

Look at me, I'll give them something new, even before new year, understood?

Bro, it's Santa's thing to take people on his lap.

Look, I'll take you on my lap now!

Come again will you? Come on now.

-No way! Get up you! -What's up dear Santa?

-Stand up I said! -What do you say dear Santa?

Are you getting horny after 70 grandpa? Us too?

Good Lord...

God forgive me, my dear Lord.

-I was shaken pretty bad Altan! -You are so quickly... bro.

But the man sat on my lap.

-Come on guys, it's your turn. -Ok bro.

Come on guys, It's count down.

-Counting down from ten. -Ok.

All right? We'll blow the confetti.

Then it's all done. Did you get that, you idiot?

-You'll do exactly the same. -Right, got you.

-I'll smack this one now. -Dear Altan don't...

Go on now, in a cheerful mode! Jingle bell! Jingle Bells!

Altan! It's time' Come on!

Girls, excuse us.

-Come on. -Guys...

...New year is around the corner now!

Let's count down from 10!

-Ready! -You go and count over there.

10,

9,

8,

7,

6,

5,

4,

3,

2,

1,

Zero!

4 hours later

Wowwww!

Cuckold!

You f... up the painting you cuckold!

What's that bro? What happened to those people?

Shut up! Do you wanna die?

Let's wake Gürkan up and get away from here, quick!

Slowly.

Slowly!

Gürkan!

Gürkan!

Gürkan!

Altan! What did you do to the woman?!

What did I do? I took her from you, remember?

Why is it like that? What are you testing us against?

I swear to God I'll start praying again.

My dear Lord, please keep us on the right path.

Amen!

You really attract all the trouble, you jinxes!

How did I ever get to know you?

I can't get fired from my post because of you, ok?

Are you a cop?

Shut up! What type of men are you all?

Leave those crappy things!

Let's try to get out of this place safe and sound.

Come, follow me, you!

Come here!

Run Altan, run away.

I can start this car like that Altan.

You're driving well dear Altan.

I'm not driving.

I'm not going with you. The hell with you.

You don't know me, if anything go wrong.

-Get off! -Go off, you!

-Get off! -F... off, will you!

-Yeah, go away. -Get off now.

-Go away! -Get off!

Go!

Look, it's not us who put a whole in that painting bro.

But you f... the woman, bro...

...like they'll get more angry at that Gürkan.

We'll find plenty of women for our brother Bilal.

-You say so? -Is it our thing?

Let's go.

Gürkan am I high...

...do I see those lanes as five or six?

-What is it, am I normal? -Altan! Am I normal?

Altan, angels have come down on earth bro.

The girl is unbelievable!

I've been a milkman for 40 years but never seen a bum like that.

The two of you for the two of us.

-What's your name in the yellow dress? -Nurdan.

Nurdan! Both here and there!

Both here and there!

-Get me the tall one. -She says get me the tall one!

Girl! In the yellow! You've shaken me, you know?

What kind of men are you?

Altan, do you see what I see bro?

-Exactly bro, I do. -What on earth is this?

Are you spying on us?

Altan run, the man is gonna make us his wife! Be quick!

They will f... us for sure bro.

Which one of said let me have the tall one?

My friend is a bit nuts bro, sorry, he doesn't know what he's saying.

Bro, I told Altan...

...not to mess with someone else's wife and girl...

...that it would be rude, did I not tell you Altan?

You didn't bro. When did you?

Wasn't it you who said the angels had descended to earth?

I swear to God I will smack you so hard you can't even shit for six months.

23 minutes later

We're from Narlıdere, Izmir.

Scandal. The boys are so funny.

I'd buy the cigarettes from a colored man bro.

-It is a toxin really. -There was no need for that much.

I did nothing to deserve that much.

This is something every human would do to one another.

When I first had my period, I used sanitary pads when sister Pelin told me.

There wasn't a terrible situation...

I lived a virtuous life.

I will start with you all!

Wish you health... You and me both.

That's scandalous, I won't look at it.

Altan, dinner is ready, come on.

Bro, look at how we are on new year's day.

Ours was a holy call bro.

I will have no business with girls or women from now on...

...don't talk to me about them...

...or I'll get angry and smack you!

From now on, I will only be into praying, ablution, alms...

So you won't deal with women but with alms from now on?

-I will even go to Friday prayers tomorrow. -It's Sunday tomorrow Gürkan.

No problem, I will try to get myself used to that.

Besides I will get acquainted with the imam too.

And I know a few prayers my self.

OK, go on tell me Süphaneke then.

You want me to say that?

Look bro, don't push me now.

I'm gonna get some profit out of the mosque thing, right?

I love you even more as I get to know you.

You are just the religion merchant bro.

Thank you bro. I try to live up to your expectations.

But we need to find this Hayati.

He told us to visit him on New year's day saying he'd surprise us. Let's go visit him.

Yeah, he really said that.

He said nights in Bagcılar were different.

I wonder what he meant by that.

Hayati must mean the cunt.

But if I find him, bro...

I will break my vow instantly, let me tell you.

I never believed in those vows of yours anyway.

Bagcılar District Border

No airport but many pilot! Your dealer-150 meters.

Sir, it looks like those two Santa Clauses did that.

The painting was damaged by the reindeer costumed guy's horns.

Who on earth are those clowns? Who are they?

We're looking into it bro.

They ran away in one of our guests' cars.

That's why it won't be hard to find them.

And you are not to blame at all in that?

God damn you!

I give you 12 hours.

I will kill you if you don't find me their bosses...

...and that son of a bitches. Now get off!

-Bro? -What?

What do we do with the wife?

She's in bad shape.

Take her to the summer palace.

She'll spend the rest of her life with the female slaves there.

Yes sir.

Rowdies Teahouse

Bro, we went to Kemal's night club the other day...

...new ladies were there, from Uruguay, Panama and Ukraine...

You know what the one from Uruguay told me?

She said she studied this at school.

She... studied it, can you believe that?

Bro, what did you study, tell me what?

She studied that.

Can there be a school for that? She studied it there.

I couldn't stop myself and jumped on top of her.

She stopped me by saying, civilization first.

I hesitated then, but couldn't hold on for too long.

-Jumped on her again. -She then said “make love.”

Foreplay!

I said how? Fine, get on with it I told her.

Bro, she educated me in such ways...

...you can't even imagine how I made love to her.

She says, Hayati what are you doing?

Nothing like that! I'm what you call a showman in bed.

Bro, you can't believe my charm in bed.

Go to that woman, she's superb. She'll blow your minds off.

Thanks bro. You'll write down the name of the club on whatsapp.

Hello.

Go now and tell her I said hi, and get one of the refugees there.

Do you see it bro? He's playing big this time...

...stopped pimping, but moved on to recommending clubs like gourmets.

He's sharing his experiences with others.

Wow! Mr Gürkan and Mr. Altan are here.

-What's up? -Good, you?

Well done to you bro.

Here everyone gets enlightened thanks to you.

Let me tell you that what you do has great merits.

Since you know that sex is a taboo is our community.

Look, Altan still f... himself.

No bro, we're sending those to the night club...

...make them drunk and then remove their kidneys...

...this way we get our cut.

What on earth are you talking about? This is really nice by the way.

You're like the shoe store. All those tricks and stuff.

Hayati, while he was talking rubbish, I realized I need to take a shit...

...let me go to the loo bro.

Altan, come on let's change and you will...

Go on, move it!

Look here!

-Don't you do the same to me? -Ok, you put your arm through it then.

-Right, I am. -Put your arm in!

-Right I am. -Ok do it slowly.

-Breathe out. -Ok I am.

-How else shall I do it? -If your hand is full do it with your mouth.

Hold on, I will do it with my mouth.

Not bit by bit, right I'll put that in now.

Right, go ahead then.

Hold on a second.

Take that in your mouth. Stop talking.

Is that filthy? Have you washed it? What did you do, putting it in my mouth?

-Put your arm in now. -It hurts again, a lot.

Right, go ahead. How can you not find the place?

There's this many holes, and you still can't the right place.

Hold that, hold it. I've taken it in my mouth.

You hold it so that I'll put in. Good Lord.

Brother Ahmet what's wrong? Your face is white all over.

I'll f... that coffee shop.

Brother Arif I swear I don't have any Japanese left.

If I did, would I say no to you?

Don't you know me? Just give me a day or two.

Right bro. Come on now.

-He never has enough. -Let him sleep there.

How are you, you band-aid?

What's up rogue Gürkan? What are you doing at this place?

What rogue, what place bro?

Didn't you tell us to visit you on New year to entertain us?

You idiot, it's January 1st today. The fun was last night!

Bro, we forgot to wind our watches...

...that's why we're a bit late.

If you're gonna give us something good, do it, you!

I think he doesn't like us. Like he's Donald Trump.

Trump? God damn Trump!

US dollar has gone up because of him. The Russian women can't make money anymore.

Anyway, come and I'll give you a real good bonus night!

-Really? -Yeah, really.

Altan, we'll be satisfied with women bro.

Come on.

-Father we found them. -Found what?

Father those two f..., Altan and Gürkan.

Let's go right away then.

They had an event at Bilal Özkök's villa.

It was pretty messy.

Bilal sentenced their death.

And they had a third partner.

They're looking for Altan and Gürkan everywhere.

No way.

No way.

This is our payback.

We need to find those two nuts before anyone.

We can't let others laugh at us...

...or owe Bilal.

Bro, I've been telling him all morning.

They are two guys called Altan and Gürkan.

I swear they're phone swindlers.

This has nothing to do with me? Why are you beating me bro?

Tell me the truth! What phone...

What swindlers man!

Bro, shall we put up a stick in him or beat him with a hose?

This mountain deer...

...ruined my 20 million worth painting...

...with his horns.

He must pay with his ass.

Bro, mine is real small. Even I have difficulty in poo.

The painting was an accident. I swear.

Bro beat me. Or even kill me. Kill me bro.

Bro, I have bad news.

I f... the nurse who helped your mum at your birth.

You never give me any good news!

What is it you? What's wrong?

Bro, father Nizam's been looking for those bastards everywhere.

What?

Father Nizam?

They killed Cevat Bakır.

It's like a vendetta between the two now.

What are you talking about? Who on earth are these?

What the hell?

Are they the Santa Clause mob or what?

Now we have two jobs. One is commercial, the other is virtuous.

We need to hurry.

I will not let people say that father Nizam restored my honour.

Go and find those men for me!

Run! Don't stop!

Run now! Be quick, you guys!

Quick!

Brother, please don't...

It'll hurt real bad bro...

Don't, it's gonna hurt.

Welcome to Cafe Champs-Elysées gentlemen.

-The only address for entertainment. -Thank you.

Have fun! Drink coke!

Look Hayati, you do have women in there right?

It's burning!

Plenty of women bro!

Stop with the horny acts. Drink those.

If you're not high, you don't get any women.

-What's that bro? -Time machine.

We drink tea with a little sugar, but we'll drink lots of you.

Hayati said, if we're not high, we don't get any women.

-First drink then bang! -Go on then!

Where are we bro?

Hayati, is this a military camp or what?

Wait bro, the girls aren't in yet.

Yeah? Good then. It is good, right?

I don't think it is.

I feel like they're f... the good ones here Gürkan.

We should even lean against the wall.

Altan, we really chose a time machine bro...

...look it says welcome 2012.

Are we having fun gentlemen?

Are we horny?

Bro, f... off. It's just 2012...

...so that's why.

Good, good...!

Gürkan they'll f... us for sure.

-Altan you need to trust that Hayati a little. -There's nothing to trust about him!

I don't even trust the drink he gave us.

I don't even know if this is real or fake.

I hope we don't get blind.

Altan you've turned into a paranoid and you'll make me one too.

Tonight Coca Cola is gonna flow like water gentlemen. This is Champs-Elysées.

The Coca Cola are gonna flow like water!

Look at his type!

Altan, look at the woman!

Go on you fools, the girls are here.

It says “girl” on the girls not to confuse them with men bro.

Altan, she has a wallet in her pocket bro.

Look at her, they stole her boobies...!

Gürkan I... Shall we be friends?

Would you drink? Go on, drink.

Are you having fun guys?

Drink cola, come on!

Move over!

Move away bro!

Altan, the boy is like a tiger!

Yes, he's like olive oil, leaking and getting in every gap.

-Move it! -Move away bro!

You stepped on my favourite finger!

Gürkan, maybe you shouldn't hit him bro.

Dear Altan, that's the language they understand from. Never mind.

Well we're in a new place, I don't wanna get in trouble.

Is Altan our thing bro?

Shall we be friends body?

-What's that? What's going on? -What is it bro?

Hayati give us a hand. This guy here wants something.

Does anyone know the game? Shall I play with you? There's only this girl.

-Altan, she laughed. -Yeah.

-She'll say yes! -Definitely!

Let me do it as well.

Go on then, you do it. Shall we do it together?

Right 1,2,3... Come on.

Bro, we found the bastards.

-Where are they? -At a disco in Bagcılar.

Get all your men and you're gonna bust the place...

...bring them to me, but don't you kill them.

Those faggots won't die with a normal death.

No normal death for them bro. No normal death.

Cut the crap!

Bro, those are the ones who beat me.

Shame on you for beating up a child!

-Swearing against our mum. -Who, me?

I would never do that bro. He did it.

-What? -What do you mean what Altan?

I told him, look I said it's not ok to swear others' children...

...wife or mum.

“Mothers are sacred, please don't” I told him.

You shouldn't swear at such a good brother's mum, I said.

-Did I not Altan? -No you didn't, you idiot!

-What are you talking about? -What do you mean Altan?

We need friends, jackals are everywhere.

When you see two, three women, every part of your body shakes.

-I'll start with your lies Gürkan! -Cut the crap!

Sweetie one moment. Those guys are my guests...

Look here, I can f... myself!

Don't you any faith in you?

Altan! Altan!

We ran away from those men for a very long time bro...

...but they're getting more angry.

What can we do? They f... us real bad.

Bro let's stop and let them beat us a bit...

...maybe this will calm them down.

You stop then, and get beaten, you idiot!

-Where's Hayati? -He's dead.

Dead?

The last time I saw him, he was lying on the floor, stay out of it.

God damn you!

Anyone who knows you, cannot live longer than 5 days.

-Don't curse. -Stop talking.

Altan what do we do now?

Come here. I will f... you!

Move away!

Altan those men have turned me into a ball.

They tossed me to one another.

The man calls me, dear Ayfer your hair is nice.

I tell him I'm bald. Never mind love, you're better this was he says.

He's right though Gürkan, you're better like that.

Please, let me tell you! Not them, no.

Altan, the man blew on my neck and kissed me on the ear bro.

If any of you knows where these bastards are..

...and keeping it as a secret, he'll be dead anytime.

Bro, please don't.

Brother, please don't do that to us.

Bro I'm an artist, I have style...

I'm performing my art here, nothing bad, only music.

-What kind of a man is he? -I'm an artist bro.

-That's my Style. I'm DJ Apo. -What's that on your arm?

Tattoo. “ The fallen prince”.

Dad had a company, then it went bankrupt.

What's with the prince?

I was like a prince at daddy's home.

Bro, I'm a performer, I take on stage here.

We give crazy parties every Monday bro. Please don't.

I'll spit into that kind of art.

-Mami beat him with style. -Mami don't! Mami no!

Keep beating them in turn.

Brother! Please!

You plumpy, come here.

Bro, I can bring you those guys if you like.

You're not fooling us to run away from here, are you?

No bro, never. I pray five times a day.

I visited the holy soil and became a pilgrim 8 times. I'll be doomed if I lie.

I'll give you 24 hours.

Go and find those bastards, and bring them to us.

Then they'll ask for mercy on our brother Bilal's wish.

Your wish is my command.

Let's get his ID and keep it in case.

If he doesn't show up, you'll cut up all his relatives.

All of them?

42 minutes later

I will f... you all!

Hayati, welcome.

Where have you been?

We've been wondering about you.

-Right Altan? -Yes, real worried.

If you were, you'd come and save me.

Well here's what happened Hayati.

I guess we're cursed.

Really. We cannot get out of trouble.

We're like the minimum wage. No one get get along with us.

Yeah bro, we're terribly doomed.

I'll start with your doom.

Look dear, this isn't the way it happened.

What's that on your forehead?

-Tattoo. -What?

He beat us so hard that we could see it on my forehead.

-They beat us real hard bro. -Real bad.

Look at us, it hurts all over.

Altan we fought technically.

They hit us teen times...

...and twenty times...

...but you probably hit them only twice.

I only hit once bro, God knows.

One? I hit one too.

-But it was a hard one. -You say so?

The impression may be that we got badly beaten but...

...they were like peasants bro...

...do you get to hit a man all 15 people at once?

Could that be?

Dear Altan, as I understand, they smacked him real bad.

His head is gone.

You let go of this and that. There's a man named Bilal Öztürk.

If I don't take you to him, they'll put me...

...on the list too. Bang bang!

-No way bro! -Too bad.

God have mercy on you. May all your sins be forgiven.

No one has seen the next day after starting to work with us till that day...

...let's pray now.

Amen.

-What do we do? -Bro, whatever it is, do it quickly.

-Don't shout! -I have an idea.

-I found it! -What is it?

-He's the only one to save us. -Who?

Tell us who is our guarding angel, Hayati.

What angel, the man is pure evil.

Death machine of the sixties.

Does he still work?

Since we're experienced in the mob business.

I'm trying to make things clear bro.

His name will be enough to solve the matter. No need for a gun.

He's my dad's friend. Hope he'll say ok to me.

But we need to explain the situation very clearly. He doesn't like lies.

What's a lie?

No mortal has seen us lie yet.

F... off man, scoundrel!

Stop, let's buy three prayer-beads. This is the way to make them take us seriously.

The boy sells prayer beads bro, see?

Which grade are you in, child? Is this how you earn your pocket money?

Good Lord...

...he has so many hairs, look at that.

He must have swollen a snake. It's like the snake...

...will start speaking.

If he's the first runner up amongst all those dwarfs...

...I can't think of the second one Altan.

If that's a human being, then what are you bro?

-On the contrary, I'm human, but what is this? -You're my favourite.

-They f... -Whom?

You too... shiny.

-Bro, how much are the prayer beads? -There's one for 10, and then for 20 liras.

What do you need bro?

-Take those shoes off too. -Why?

Let's polish them.

-With that thing in your hand? -With that thing I'll polish you.

Gürkan, give him the 30 liras...

...if you give us 30 liras, we'll take them off. We'll get the shoes back when we're out.

Make them shine!

They will shine than your ass, don't worry.

Caglar!

-Yes bro? -What's up?

The one whose ID you took, hasn't he called yet?

No bro, he still has 3 more hours until the time is up.

I can't believe you.

You take away his ID like he hasn't paid the bill at a restaurant.

What kind of thinking is this?

Bro, that's the way it works in Bagcılar.

Once his ID is gone, so will his honour.

God damn you. Come here.

Are you a governmental institution or what, you moron?

Half of Bagcılar's residents are from Syria, which of them has an ID?

How stupid you are.

Altan these are the demos of hell.

-All demons. -No bro, why do you say that?

I mean they all sold their land and spent the money on clubs here.

I have a map on my hand...

...my friend has a rifle here.

Bro, everyone's here!

My dad Celal, my best man at circumcision.

Didn't you recognize little Hayati?

Wow!

Where have you been you fool?

Look bro, I paid my time together with his dad. In prison.

-He was a kind man. I drank lots of his tea. -My helper!

He says helper, yeah I helped him get circumcised.

They had him curt off without seeing him.

His dad asked me to be the helper...

...before the operation.

Yeah the day was to show that you'd help. It's that day.

Why on earth are you crying now?

We are in big trouble Father Celal. Real big.

Who are they?

When did they become dads?

If my dad doesn't let him, the man can't make money in Istanbul bro.

-Thanks. -Yeah, that's right.

Who is Bilal Özkök? Where did he come out from?

-Nowhere? -Who has he killed so far?

-Tell me who he is. -No one.

Nobody can shoot a gun in Istanbul if dad says no, bro.

-Sure thing. -Of course it is.

Altan.

I'll f... the mob, bro...

...being a bravado is better. Look how they back you up.

Exactly bro. Besides becoming a bravado comes from our soil.

What is the mob and stuff? Are we Italians or what?

-So they've had sex with a virgin girl. -It's true, he did that.

Well they are young. They live fast.

They made a mistake.

-If dad says so, the bloodshed will stop. -Good.

You speak by the book exactly pilgrim uncle.

What pilgrim uncle?

I had no time to visit the holy soil since I was so busy shooting people.

I served for 42 years in prison killing 45 men.

45!

Sir, when my brother saw your saintly face...

...which looks like you are a pilgrim, he thought you'd been there.

I shot a man in 1970. It was my first time.

When I shot that man, what color was that bastard Bilal's underwear?

If dad wishes, he'll tear his pants inside out and make him wear them again.

-I'll skin him out! Say it. -We will skin him out!

That's right. Right.

Good father, but how are we gonna solve this?

Solve what?

-He'll go home. -And?

He'll ask her father's blessing for her hand...

...they'll save their honour and keep their tradition...

...and they'll kiss our hands.

He'll then show us to the door...

Am I getting married?

Then the young ones are gonna get married.

Altan I'm getting married bro. Sex and pumping till morning!

Bro, are you nuts? What pumping?

Is it the fire brigade here?

-Pump, pump. -We're all pumping father.

-Bro, it's him. -Put him on speaker.

-Hello? -Hello my dear brother...

-How are you? -Cut to the chase.

-Where are Altan and Gürkan? -I was just gonna disturb you...

...on that matter. I will visit you if God willing...

...with Altan and Gürkan tomorrow.

There will also be an elder brother of ours with us.

-Is he your parent? -You could say so.

We'll be at your place at 12:00 sharp.

My kind regards to brother Bilal.

Kisses and kind regards. Thank you.

Right, at 12.00 -Thank you.

Look here...

...is it that they will come here with the police?

No brother, I don't think so.

The police are after them too. They're such cheap swindlers.

So, are you implying that I've been conned by them?

That I've been disgraced by them?

You faggot.

Derya.

-Brother. -Yes?

The men are here.

But there's an old hoodlum with them.

-Who? -Celal Gökcen.

Celal Gökcen?

I've never heard his name before.

An old guy. Not so important any way.

He wants to have a word with you.

Show him in.

Guys, let the men in.

We'll be ready to pull the trigger.

If our bro gives us a sign, we shoot, ok?

Father, may god be with you. You saved us from big trouble.

My nephew, remember how I helped you.

When the right time comes, you'll kill for your father Celal.

Well that's what we're experts at.

At what bro?

Taking a man's life bro.

Gürkan, you started talking nonsense again bro.

Dear Altan, please stay out of this.

Look bro, this time we're at a very important person's feet...

...you need to think big, for heaven's sake.

-God damn you. -Don't you curse.

Cut the crap. Father Celal has place for everyone.

There's bread for everyone here.

See Altan, we're now hoodlums.

You just wait here until I ask for the girl, ok?

When I tell you so...

...you'll come and kiss that Bilal's hand.

It's not about getting into the mob. We're not!

-What hoodlum? -You'll be a dog at my door.

Stop talking you idiot!

-Hello. -Hello and welcome.

You have a lovely house. My you lead a happy life in it.

-There. -Thank you.

The reason for my visit.

These two young guys Altan and Gürkan came to me.

The young ones made a mistake.

Bro, when can you give me back my ID?

I have a business at the deed office tomorrow morning, so..

My brother in law has a property, we're gonna buy it.

The young ones do lots of things these days.

Tell me dear brother Bilal.

Tell me, don't they do lots of stuff?

Father Celal...

...has come all this way...

...to your house, thinking you'd forgive them...

...and that we can marry them.

If you give your blessing, with God's willing...

Let me tell you one thing bro...

...a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Exactly.

I wonder if father Celal will give me a marriage operation too?

Lie these down!

Bro, I'm a unlicensed cab driver...

...I'm not with them.

And this is my card.

They took me and brought me here bro.

Brother if the girl has a sister...

...I promise to make her your wife, and we'll be bros-in-law.

I don't wanna be your brother-in-law.

-Why not? -Why would I?

-What do you mean why would you? -I don't want to.

-Don't you think I'm fine for that? -I don't, what is there to like about you?

-Why did you do that to her? -She's my aunt now.

She's your aunt now. You're such a cheater.

If you wanna live, run!

Uncle pilgrim!

Don't you ever come near me!

You inglorious ones!

My friend here...

Don't do that, Gürkan...

Relax, put your hand down...

They'll get more angry.

Bro, slowly.

Good evening.

Good evening bro. Respectfully.

Cheers mate.

There we are bro.

Bro, I told that Celal...

...it was all in his mind bro.

Who are we to look at father Bilal's wife?

Shut up! You should have thought about that while dishonoring your aunt's virtue.

Who me? I'm a virgin bro.

Altan here did it.

-Didn't you Altan, go on say it. -No, I didn't...

...what do you mean I did it. No girl's hand has touched mine yet.

-I am the one who is the virgin. -Shut up you fools!

-How are you Hayati? -God damn you Gürkan!

Everyone thinks it's because of me bro!

Guys we all dream of the same things in life.

A calm happy life...

...a peaceful family...

...friends we can trust...

...a yacht of 40 metres long...

...a summer house in Cote D'Azur...

...a Jacuzzi full of beautiful girls...

But you're not in my dream.

-Who are you guys? -I'm Gürkan.

Who the hell are you?

Altan here did the girl... I have nothing to do with the situation.

I've never seen him. I've brought you Altan, father.

-What are you saying? -What do you mean Altan?

You want us to die both bro?

Let me at least pray for you after you're gone.

You die, and I'll pray for you. You don't even know how to pray.

-Why don't you die? -I'll hit you real hard now.

Bilal, my head aches a bit...

...and I've got you the men. If you'd give me my ID, I'd better get going.

I'll start with your ID now!

Now to you, you rapists!

Bro, have you oiled the guillotine well?

Chop these bastards' heads at once!

Brother Bilal what guillotine? Are we in middle age?

Do we suffer from plague, for God's sake?

Really, are we in middle age? You f... us and then we'll be even.

We can't get anything by murdering people.

-Tell them to f... you. -What are you talking about?

I'll excuse myself, you talk to Altan then.

Brother I think this is the end for us. Give me your blessing.

The end is the day I met you Gürkan.

That's a bit rude though. Please, then I will not give you my blessing.

Then don't, like you've done any good deeds.

You've made me suffer all my life!

Revenge is a meal, the owner must eat Bilal.

Now to that unfinished job.

Mum's changed a lot!

Mum's changed a lot.

-Mum's changed a lot. -Daddy, daddy!

Mum's changed a lot.

Mum's changed a lot.

I tried to make out with a woman from the film, but she turned out to be a maniac.

She insisted that I wear a costume, thinks I am Batman.

-We're Spiderman. -So?

I went to her place and just then I turned my head...

...and saw myself in the mirror.

We're lucky to be alive let me tell you this.

Someone prays for us in this world...

...or else we wouldn't be alive, I swear.

You're right bro. What happened then?

Then I got stuck. Everything stopped...

...though I tried hard I couldn't succeed at all...

...I pulled and pulled but nothing. I was like the unlimited credit card.

-How unlucky. -It was.

On top of that she said, if you can't do it, let me teach you.

I totally lost it after that.

I swear I quit from being a man!

You need some prayer then. It must be the evil eye.

Sure it was. Anyway...

We need to work and make money.

Give me your tea. It's cold now.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull