All language subtitles for The.Wrecking.Crew.1968.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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(HOUSE OF 7 JOYS
BY MACK DAVID DEVOL PLAYING)

MALE CHORUS:
♪ On the street
of many pleasures ♪

FEMALE CHORUS:
♪ Street of many pleasures ♪

♪ Stands the House of 7 Joys ♪

♪ House of 7 joys ♪

♪ Like you see it
in the movies ♪

♪ See it in the movies ♪

♪ It's for
groovy girls and boys ♪

♪ Groovy girls and boys ♪

♪ In this Oriental palace ♪

♪ Pa, pa, pa ♪

♪ You are welcome
night and day ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ Recommended by Matt Helm ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ And by the A.A.A. ♪

♪ Ah so, ah so
velly velly nice ♪

♪ On the street
of many pleasures ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ In the House of 7 Joys ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ Many times
you feel like swingin' ♪

♪ There are 7 clingin' toys ♪

BOTH:
♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ Oriental relaxation ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ Chinese psychedelic cults ♪

♪ Pa pa pa pa ♪

♪ Recommended by Matt Helm ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ And only for adults ♪

♪ Ah so, ah so
velly velly nice ♪

♪ On the street
of many pleasures ♪

♪ Street of many pleasures ♪

♪ In the House of 7 Joys ♪

♪ House of 7 joys ♪

♪ You will dig
the flower chicks ♪

♪ Dig the flower chicks ♪

♪ That the management
employs ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ Every little lotus blossom ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ As she greets you
she will say ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ Recommended by Matt Helm ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ And by the A.A.A. ♪

♪ Ah so, ah so
velly velly nice ♪

♪ Ah so ♪

(TRAIN HORN BLARING)

With $1 billion in gold
shining at me,
I feel reckless.

I'll open for a dime.

Well, with $1 billion
in gold, I'm in.

(TRAIN WHEELS CLATTERING)

(SNAPS FINGERS)

Contact. All elements.

Operation Rainbow
is entering phase 1.

Execute.

(ENGINE REVVING)
LINKA:
Repeat. Execute.

(TRAIN APPROACHING)

(HORN BLARING)

(BRAKES SQUEALING)

This isn't a scheduled stop.

No sweat, men.

(TRAIN HORN BLARING)

Relax, men.
Everything's okay.

(GUNS FIRING)

Red alert! Ice! Red alert...

10 seconds behind schedule.

Is that catastrophic?

Yes. I deplore sloppiness.

Nelson? MacDonald.
MacDonald!

All sections
from 6 through 18
are on emergency standby.

I'm picking up Matt Helm.

Phase 2,
intercept MacDonald.
Repeat.

CONTINI:
Phase 2. Intercept MacDonald.

Yes, Your Excellency.
Go.

(ENGINE REVVING)

What if they can't?

If we can delay
the American counterforce
by that much,

it will add precious minutes
to each phase
of Operation Rainbow.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(TIRES SKIDDING)

MacDonald, I.C.E.

Establish roadblocks
to pick up black sedan,

2 occupants, Maryland plates.

Matt.

Matt!

(BEEPING)

Oh, the poor boy,

he's so tired.

(MOANS)

(RED SAILS IN THE SUNSET
BY NAT KING COLE PLAYING)

♪ Red sails in the sunset ♪

♪ Way out in the west ♪

♪ They named you
long distance ♪

♪ Cause your switchboard's
the best ♪

Will you try his radio band?

I can't get through to him.

(BEEPING)

I can't reach him either, Mac.

♪ Oh, how we'll dance ♪

♪ On the night
that we're wed ♪

♪ We'll have to keep dancing ♪

♪ Or you'll burn up our bed ♪

♪ Grab your coat,
get your pail ♪

♪ Let me take you
in the barn, dear ♪

♪ Just sit back and watch ♪

♪ 'Cause I found a cow
who gives scotch ♪

(CAR HORN BLARING)

Hey, Mac,
glad you dropped by.

I want you to meet
some cute little...

No, never mind.

But I'm paying those girls
double time. You know
what it costs

to double-time all of them?

Yeah, yeah. Get in.

You do? Okay.

Mac. Mac.
You gotta turn around.

S-somebody left my phone
off the hook.

Yeah. And I know
who that somebody was.

Now shut up and listen.

$1 billion in American gold
en route to London

was stolen from a train
in Denmark.

It's panic time
in every money market
in the world,

if the story breaks.

So, we can't send
in a task force.

It's got to be
a one-man job.

Uh, let me guess
who you got in mind.

(BUZZING)

Yes, Operation Rainbow
has entered phase 3

precisely on schedule.

You may notify our brokers
in Bombay, Ceylon, and Tokyo

that the gold will not be...

Repeat, not be delivered
to London on Monday.

(FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYING
ON T.V.)

We've got one lead
from Interpol.

That's where it's at.

MAC:
Count Massimo Contini.

Now you name it,
he probably owns it.

Oil, steel,
railroads, munitions
in a dozen countries.

A multimillionaire,
aiming at a multibillion.

I like his style.

Lola Medina.

(BEEPING)

The office of the president
of the United States.

Mr. MacDonald,
because of our
balance of payment deficits,

the gold cannot be replaced.

It must be recovered.

Our best estimate is this,

from the time Mr. Helm
arrives in Copenhagen

he will have 48 hours
to accomplish his mission.

Is there anything else,
Mr. President?

PRESIDENT:
No, that is all.

WELLINGTON:
That's all, Mr. MacDonald.

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

MAC:
Now, Lola Medina
got her severance pay

several months ago.

(GLASS SMASHING)

He fired her?

Mmm-hmm.

But he had this
waiting in the wings.

(BUTTON CLICKS)

4.

(CLATTERING)

All of it, my dear.

Oh, I really like his style.

MAC:
Linka Karensky.

And remember,

she's about as gentle
as a barracuda.

(EXPLODES)

(HISSING)

It's highly volatile.

Disappears in
15 or 20 seconds.

20 seconds.
Hardly seems
worth the trouble.

Anyone exposed to it
without these goggles

is blinded for at least
a minute and a half.

It's enough time
to do anything.

You'll use
your standard cover,
freelance photographer.

This switch activates
a smoke ejection unit.

Matt, we have
one prayer.

The Danish tourist bureau
is trying to get you
into Contini's chateau.

To take
pretty pictures?

To find out whatever you can.

(PHONE BUZZING)

Hello.

Contini's our
only lead, Matt.

Nelson,
scramble your phone.

(HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING)

Any report
from the Danish
tourist bureau?

Negative, Mac.

Well, we can't wait
any longer.

And your chance
of finding Contini is nil.

Oh, but you're
gonna make sure
he finds me.

Nelson,
break Matt's cover.

You've got to be
trying to
get rid of me.

Alert the network
in zone 3 that Matt's
on his way to Denmark

to recover
that $1 billion in gold.

Just one thing.
What if Contini's, uh...

Well, what if he
ain't the guy?

Then whoever's got that gold
will be right on your tail.

We'll give you
every protection we can.

This is your mini-copter.

It's very simple, Matt.
2 universal joints,

3 master lock screws,
and you're in business.

It goes in there,
and then into the trunk
of your car.

Now, this just came over
from research.

(HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING)

Oh, it blows up, huh?

It's so new,
we don't even
have a name for it yet.

(HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING)

Why don't we call it, uh,
"A little bit
of hanky-panky"?

(WOMAN CHATTERING
OVER P.A. SYSTEM)

Mr. Helm has arrived.

Very good.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

The information
from zone 3 was accurate.

Mr. Helm is at the airport.

Very well.
Keep him under surveillance.

But do not kill him yet.

May I ask
why Your Excellency's
being so generous?

Not generous, my dear.
Cautious.

Your car is ready
and your baggage
has been delivered to it.

Hmm, how about
the extra equipment?

In the trunk, as per
your instructions.

Thank you.

And thank you,
Mr. Helm.

He's leaving now.

YU-RANG:
Follow him.

(HISSING)

Your Excellency,
your call.

Operation Rainbow
has entered phase 4.

On schedule.

Stand by for my instructions
on Monday morning.

Congratulations
are in order.

Congratulations
are premature,
my dear Massimo.

The report from zone 3
has been confirmed.

And Mr. Helm is on the scene.
Thank you.

So what do you
intend to do?

I haven't decided.

At the moment,
he's under surveillance.

Massimo,

don't waste time. Kill him.

I never waste anything
or anyone, dear Linka.

But,

this breakdown
in American security

is far too convenient
for my liking.

Our schedule has
very little tolerance
for errors.

Errors are made by those
who blindly accept
the obvious.

And I can't believe
that they would risk an agent

of Mr. Helm's caliber
quite so casually.

But I will find out.
And then I will kill him.

(CAR HONKING)

(GRUNTING)

Can I be of assistance?

Oh, he always gets that way
after a couple of martinis.

(CAR DOOR CLOSING)

It's a pleasure
to welcome you
to Copenhagen.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh.
I...I twisted my ankle.

Well, I-I'd better
have a look at it.

No, no, it's all right,
really.

Thank you so much.

Oh, it was my pleasure.

Boulevard Greig.
Number 14. Tonight.

MATT:
A very pleasant hotel here.

(CHUCKLES)

Mr. Helm?
Yes.

(GLASS SHATTERING)
Oh!

Oh, oh.

(MATT CHUCKLING)

I'm Freya.
Welcome to Denmark,
Mr. Helm.

You always greet people
like this?

I'm Freya Carlson,
your tourist bureau contact.

These are for you.
Street maps,
places of interest.

Hmm.

This is for you, too.

Hmm. Oh,
what year was that?

1949.

Oh, it's a very
good year.

I'm here to help you
in any way I can.

Well, it's very
nice of you.

Is there anything
you'd like me to do?

Uh, yes, ma'am.
A couple of things.

Yes, sir.

Would you mind
getting off
my camera case, please?

(GASPING)
Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, that's fine.

I'm sorry.
That's okay.

Umm.

Uh, what about
the arrangements
at, uh, Contini's chateau?

Oh, that's in the works.
I'm expecting a call
from the chateau at 11:00.

Mmm.

I'm sorry about...

Welcome to Denmark.

It's some kind of hotel
you got here.

(SIGHING)

Mmm, half a bottle
is better than none.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

LOLA:
It's open. Come in.

Yep.

(SIGHING)

(MY MELANCHOLY BABY
BY FRANK SINATRA PLAYING)

♪ Come to me ♪

♪ My melancholy baby ♪

♪ Cuddle up and don't be shy ♪

♪ I adore you pet ♪

♪ But the towel's
a little wet ♪

♪ May I suggest we hang it ♪

♪ Out to dry ♪

You're early, Mr. Helm.

I wasn't sure you'd come.

I was, Miss Lola Medina.

Oh, I underestimated you.

You know who I am.

Mr. Helm,

I need your advice.

Advice?

Would you please
change the color
of the lights?

Turn down the color
of the lights?

Oh.

Turn the red one.

The red one?

Mr. Helm,
as a professional
photographer,

which color would be, uh,

most appealing
in this particular light?

That clashes with your eyes.

And I know your setup
with Contini.

Would you turn on
the blue light, please?

Blue light. Must be
the 2nd one, huh?

Is this more interesting?

I also know
you're off the team.

But I was on the team
when Operation Rainbow
was being planned.

Would you put on
the green light?

Operation Rainbow?

Operation Rainbow,
our code name
for $1 billion...

What's your American word?
Heist.

Heist? Huh, heist.

(CLATTERING)

Would you change the light?

Yes.

Well?

Yep. Mmm-hmm.

I... I know what you're after

and, uh, I like the way
you're goin' about it.

Thank you, Mr. Helm.

Oh, it's all right.

Oh, thank you.

I mean,

no, thanks.
I mean, I don't use them.

Oh.

(MOANS)

Nobody's gonna believe this
down at the office,
but, uh,

I'm on a very
tight schedule.

But I know
where the gold is, Mr. Helm.

Well, I-I'm not on
that... That tight a schedule.

(CHUCKLING)

I love flexible men.

There's... There's just, uh,
2 little words, uh,

where it is, uh,

how much?

Oh, I'm a gypsy, Mr. Helm.

My father was a gypsy.

And he taught us one thing,

wise men enjoy pleasure

before business.

Well, I like
your father's thinking.

(INHALES)

Oh.

Oh, I'm a wretched hostess,
Mr. Helm.

I haven't offered you
a thing.

I wouldn't say that.

What do you prefer?

To drink.

I've heard that you do

drink.

Well, it's...

Just call it a hobby.
Scotch on the rocks.

Oh, I'm so sorry,
I'm out of scotch.

Can I give you
something else?

Surprise me.

Oh, Mr. Helm,

for my cooperation,
I want 2 things,

Massimo Contini destroyed

and $1 million.

$1 million, huh?

Oh, you're in luck, Mr. Helm.

(EXPLOSION RUMBLING)

(THUDDING)

(POLICE CAR APPROACHING)

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

POLICEMAN:
Get out of the car.

Your hands in the air,
please.

FREYA:
Wait just a minute!

Your identification.

Wait just a minute.
Just a minute.

I'm Freya Carlson
from the Danish
tourist bureau.

Oh, for heaven's sake,
put that silly gun away.

This happens to be
Matt Helm,

one of America's
most distinguished
photographers.

Well, that may be true,
but...

No news
from the chateau yet.

Uh, have you
had your dinner?

Look, Miss Carlson,
we've just received reports
of, uh,

an explosion and a homicide
in this building

that your Mr. Helm
was leaving so hastily.

Well, I would say
leaving the area
of an explosion hastily

is an extremely sensible
reaction.

Uh, it must...
It must have been
horrifying...

Will you shut up?

Come along, sir.

I'm only trying
to help.

Don't do me a...
You'll help me
right into death row.

Why don't you split.
Go call the American embassy.

I'm not running out
on you.

Please, do me a...
Run out, huh?
Desert! Desert!

MATT:
Desert, please desert.

Why, Mr. Helm,
what a pleasant surprise!

I hope so.

What is all this?

Excellency, we're checking
an explosion and a homicide...

Then I suggest
that you get on with it.

I'll vouch for Mr. Helm.

Yes, Excellency.

Mr. Helm, I am
Count Massimo Contini.

I know you
by your reputation,
of course.

Count Contini,

I've been trying
to get in touch
with you for days.

We wanted permission
to photograph your chateau.

That would be
my pleasure.

Shall we say
10:00 tomorrow morning?

Yes, fine. 10:00.

Who we? We? We?
What's "we"?

Us. You and me.
Hmm.

My orders
from the tourist bureau

are to work directly
under you.

Hmm. Directly under?

The first order is
to get outta here.

Yes, sir.

Hmm.

Yes, ma'am.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

(CLANKING)

(HONKING)

Mr. Helm.
I think we're stuck.

We're what?

We're stuck.

We're stuck?
Yeah.

Good.

Is that all
you've got to say?

Oh, dear! I just ruined
a perfectly good pair
of stockings.

Poor Lola
made the headlines.

It was a rather noisy exit.

Arranged by you?

But of course.

She met with Mr. Helm
for only one reason,
to betray you.

So I simply
stopped by her place

and dropped off
a gift bottle of scotch.

With that
inevitable kick in it.

But you disobeyed my orders,
you risked the life
of Mr. Helm.

Oh, darling,
we discussed all that
last night.

It seemed to me
that you forgave me. No?

Last night I was
in a forgiving mood.

This morning
I'm thinking realistically
of $1 billion in gold...

(CAR HONKS ON C.C.T.V.)

And Mr. Helm...

Whose character
we will now test.

Mr. Helm, his Excellency
will see you now.

This way, please.

Miss Carlson.
Mr. Helm.

You are prompt.

We couldn't wait
to get started,
Your Excellency.

We?

I'll take notes while
Mr. Helm takes the pictures.

Mmm-hmm.

I'll take her anytime.

CONTINI:
Miss Carlson, Mr. Helm,

my fiancee,
Miss Linka Karensky.

Miss Karensky, they told me...

Linka. Please call me
Linka, Mr. Helm.

Well, make mine Matt, okay?

They told me
the count had great taste.

Who told you that?

I did.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Uh, Mr. Helm,
we came here
to work, remember?

Yes. Perhaps
you'd like to start
in the conservatory.

Come along, my dear.

The view is simply
breathtaking.

It sure is.

Was it something I said?

In our civilized business,
this is the traditional time

to offer you a cigarette
or some liquid refreshment
perhaps.

But since we are
professional people,
on limiting time schedules,

I suggest that we dispense
with such amenities.

Oh, no, let's not dispense
with any of those things.

(CHUCKLING)

But, of course, you're right.
Karl...

There's so little time
for grace

and civility in this
vulgar world of ours.

Well, I said it once
and I'll say it again,
I like your style.

Actually, I would have
preferred to live
in a different century.

Florence in the 13th,
or Germany in the 18th.

Wouldn't you, Mr. Helm?

It'd be all wrong,
I'd be dead by now.
Hmm?

(LAUGHING)

Which brings me
precisely to the point.

You see,
I know who you are,
Mr. Helm.

An agent of I.C.E.

And I know
why you came to Denmark.

To recover $1 billion
in American gold.

Somebody's
puttin' you on, Count.

Please, Mr. Helm,

stupidity has a tendency
to make me impatient.

However,

luckily, I dislike
unnecessary violence,

which may lead
to unnecessary publicity.

Therefore, you are
going to South America

on the next available flight.

With $1 million in cash.

Oh, I'd hate myself
in the morning.

CONTINI:
$2 million?

I'd hate myself
twice in the morning.

I'd lose my sense of values.

You are interfering
with plans

as delicately balanced
as a Swiss chronometer.

Therefore
I must kill you.

Uh, you remember
what you said
about being stupid?

You think I walked in here
without knowing
I could walk out?

Now,
the Danish tourist bureau,
they know where I am.

And they know
the minute I'm expected back.

If I don't show up,
you're gonna be
up to your hips in cops.

MATT:
Freya, uh,

uh, tell him
the tourist bureau,
they know where I am, right?

Oh, no, Mr. Helm.

No, Mr. Helm?

No, our clients
have complete privacy.

No one knows
who you are.

(EXCLAIMS)

(FREYA EXCLAIMING)

Oh.

MATT:
Hold it! Smile!

FREYA:
Ah! Oh!

(HISSING)

Oh, they didn't smile.

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(YELLING)

(GROANING)

(GRUNTING)

(YELLING)

(COUGHING)

(MEN COUGHING)

(ALARM RINGING)

(COUGHING)

Oh!

You'll be all right.
Yes.

All right, get over there.

Come on!

(SCREAMING)

Okay.

(LINKA GASPING)

What... What makes you
think she can swim?

That was the only way
to find out. Right?

Yeah, right, right.

Bah!

(ALARM CONTINUES RINGING)

Get him!

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(THUDDING)

Why are they bumping us,
Mr. Helm?

They're coming, Mr. Helm!

(THUDDING)

Don't push me down.
I can't see.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

They're trying
to kill us, Mr. Helm.
They're trying to kill us.

FREYA:
Drive faster.

(TIRES SKIDDING)

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

Faster!
You're an awful driver.

Hang onto your miniskirt.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(LAUGHS)

At the tram,
the road dead-ends.

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

Ooh.

Bring it down. Now!

(SQUEAKING)

FREYA:
It's occupied.

(KNOCKING)

FREYA:
Please, just a minute.

For heaven's sake.
Oh, no!

(MAN GRUNTING)

Get to the car.

(MEN YELLING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(YELLING)

(GRUNTING)

Hyah!

(GROANING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(YELLING)

(MEN THUDDING)

(MEN YELLING)

Yah!

Ah!

(GRUNTING)

(YELLING)

(GROANING)

You did? You'd better.

Each phase of the operation
has been advanced 8 hours.

You will have the pleasure
of killing Mr. Helm.

Thank you very much,
Your Excellency.

(HONKING)

(BRAKES SQUEAKING)

All right.

Get out and remember,
we'll call you. Out!

(EXACTLY LIKE YOU
BY DOROTHY FIELDS,
JIMMY MACHUGH)

♪ I know why I've waited ♪

♪ Know why I've been blue ♪

♪ Prayed each night
for a room mate ♪

♪ Exactly like you ♪

Mr. Helm?
Mmm-hmm.

Yu-Rang.

No, I didn't.

But since you're here,
why don't you sit down?

No, my name is Yu-Rang.

Your name is Yu-Rang?
That's good.

Lie down.
I want to talk to you.

About a certain
$1 billion in gold?

Half a billion, Mr. Helm.

I'm thinking of a partnership.

So am I.

Shall we, um,
come to the point?

Well, maybe
you're in too big a hurry.

Now that we're partners, uh,

why don't you just relax,
Miss Yu-Rang?

Let's not be formal, Matt.

My first name is Wen.

Wen? Wen Yu-Rang.

(CHUCKLING)
Mmm-hmm.

I say the answer's hello.

Mmm-hmm, hello.

Now where did you say
my half a billion in gold was?

In the same place
my half a billion is.

(FREYA CLEARING THROAT)

FREYA:
Pardon me, Mr. Helm.

She's here.

No. Yes, she's here.

She's got a knife in her hand.

I know she's got a knife
in her hands.

And I said I'd call you.

But it's very important.

Uh, pardon me?

Oh, we're having a party, no?

Here.

They, um, they told me
you were a unique

experience, Mr. Helm. Matt.

Incredibly formidable,
exciting.

Now I shall never find out.

Mr. Helm,
Mr. MacDonald has been calling

and he's on his way here.

Oh, isn't that an
adorable mink, Mr. Helm?

Uh, I don't know
what you've got,

but you sure got bad timing.

(PHONE RINGING)

Yes? Oh, Linka?

A lodge? I'd love to.

Mr. Helm, aren't you gonna
wait for Mr. MacDonald?

He cabled the bureau
that he'd be in tonight.

Want to do me a favor?

Yes, sir.

Go play in the freeway.

Without a car.

(PHONE RINGING)

FREYA:
J.B., please.

J.B.

Yes.

Establish an observation post
at Contini's chateau.

It'll be functional
at 0800 hours.

Right.

Mr. MacDonald,
can you give us any assurance

that Matt Helm will complete
his mission on time?

I regret to say that I can't,
Mr. Ambassador.

You see, Matt's been out of
contact for the past 26 hours.

Gentlemen, unless we
get that gold on Monday,

by noon the pound
will be worthless.

In that event, how long could
the American dollar survive?

Can't we send in a task force?

No, sir. We just can't
risk a newsbreak.

However, I've notified Matt

that I'm on my way
to Copenhagen.

I'll report to you by 0100.

Gentlemen.

(CAR DOOR CLOSING)

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

♪ If your sweetheart ♪

♪ Puts a pistol in her bed ♪

♪ You'd do better ♪

♪ Sleeping with
your uncle Fred ♪

I told you I'd love to come.

(SIGHING)

Of course,
but you... You startled me.

You weren't expecting me?

Oh, but I'm delighted
you're here.

As a matter of fact,
I could use a little help.

Would you, please?

Hmm.

Oh!

Which way, up or down?

There's always a choice,
Mr. Helm, isn't there?

Mmm-hmm.

Thank you.

I thought you wanted to talk.

Well, can't that wait?

I always prefer pleasure
before business.

Hmm. I bet your father
was a wise old gypsy.

Because I'm going barefoot?

Ah, just a thought.

But I like your thinkin'.
Pleasure first.

Without interruptions.

Were you expecting someone?

Yeah. That nice friendly
character in your car.

But don't you worry about him.
He's taking a nice long nap.

Oh, well, that was stupid.
Karl is no threat to you.

And neither am I.

So this is the place I was
gonna get shot in the back.

Kind of a stylish pad
to, um, take off from.

Oh, I forgot to tell you,
I took the gun.

(CHUCKLING)

Well, of course Contini
sent me here to kill you.

But you see,
on the way over here,

I changed my mind
and I decided not to.

Mmm-hmm. After I decked
that friendly chap

and after I took the hardware,
then you decided?

Mr. Helm.
Mmm-hmm?

(WHISPERING)
Come here.

You want me to lie down
so you can talk to me?

Okay.

(SIGHING)

About a partnership.

A full partnership?
Name on a rug, door, floor?

The full treatment.

You see, the train has
stopped for Contini and me,

and I'm getting off.

To wait for me?

Mmm-hmm.

Why?

Because I was told

you were well worth
waiting for.

Gossip. Just gossip.

Don't you believe me?

No.

(SCOFFING)

Mr. Helm.

Hmm?

Look under the pillow
at your left-hand side.

You see, my friendly chauffeur
and, uh, the other gun

were just decoys.

And that is the gun I was
supposed to kill you with.

I'm even
taking off my bracelet

because I don't want you
to get scratched.

Now do you believe me?

I'd better.

You got a deal.
Now, where is the gold?

It's being moved right now.

They won't believe this
down at the office either,

but here's a straight
question, where to?

I really don't know.

And I won't know for hours.

So you see, we've all the time
in the world.

(HORN BLARING)

(SIGHING)

Horn. That's a horn.
That's not a horn.

You didn't...
That wasn't...

Tell me you didn't hear
a horn. You heard a horn?

She's here. She's here.

You got a deal, partner.
Now, you call me.

(SIGHING)

(DOOR CLICKING)

(CAR HORN HONKING)

There's activity,
but nothing conclusive.

Maintain surveillance.

J.B.:
Right.

(GUNSHOTS)

♪ Let me call you sweetheart ♪

♪ I'm in love with you ♪

♪ I haven't seen your face,
dear ♪

♪ But your legs will do ♪

CONTINI:
Each phase of our operation
has been advanced 10 hours.

Repeat, 10 hours.

Shipments will be delivered

according to my
prearranged schedules.

But our tolerances
have been drastically reduced.

MacDonald is here.

Which means that I.C.E.,

has established red alert
plus one.

You tried and failed.

I won't tonight.

CONTINI:
Words. I can't afford
the luxury of words.

There's been a serious
breakdown in security.

The chateau has been under
surveillance for 7 hours.

Deplorable!

When the estate is re-secured
and quadrants checked,

you will make a phone call
to Mr. Helm

and you will arrange to meet
him at the usual rendezvous.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Ho-ho-ho-hold it.

Well, Matt.

Oh, Mr. MacDonald!

Freya! For Pete's sake, Freya!

Oh, let me look...

Freya, how long has it been?

Uh, Prague or maybe it was
the Jefferson affair...

Now don't tell me that you
know little Miss foul-up here?

Now just one minute.

I was told to work
directly under you,

and you refused to cooperate.

You say that again,

I'm gonna teach you
to watch your language.

Matt, I told you we'd give you
all the protection we could.

She's my protection?

She happens to be with
British intelligence.

I get it. You're trying
to get rid of me.

And an extremely
efficient one, too.

As a Matter of fact,
I've established

an observation post
above Contini's chateau.

And what did you find out?

Nothing at all.

The agent was killed.

Well, that figures.

And, in addition,
I was extremely efficient

at the tramway with Yu-Rang,
remember?

Uh-huh. Oh, that was
in the ladies' room.

Wait a minute.
Yu-Rang is here?

Mmm-hmm.

Well,
that's trouble in spades.

She's Contini's top agent
in Hong Kong.

Matt, what inning is it?

I think it's the 9th inning
and you're right on target.

Contini is our guy.

The United States is holding
a 5% finder's fee

for that gold,
and no questions asked.

$50 million, huh?

Well, I'm supposed
to meet Linka tonight,

and they've set me up
for a hit.

But I'm gonna shock her
out of her miniskirt.

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, would you answer that,
please?

No, over there.

And if it's little Linka,
stall.

You know what that means,
stall.

Mr. Helm's suite.

Uh, no, he isn't
at the moment.

May I take a message?

Thank you.

It was your little Linka.

Huh, they really think
I'm buying.

Now if only I knew
where Yu-Rang lived,

I would have had
a cozy little chat with her.

It just so happens that I know

where Yu-Rang
hangs her kimono.

I bet you do.
10-to-one, you don't.

Bet.

You just remember that

this happens to be
my home cricket pitch.

Well, stop pitching
your cricket and give.

The House of 7 Joys.
Number 5, Viking Street.

10-to-one?

(PHONE RINGING)

Matt, hold it.

Now, be sensible.

Use your head for something
beside a target.

You're walking into
a firing squad.

I'm glad you're worried
about me,

but, uh,
I'm gonna be sensible.

I'm using my head.
I'm not meeting Linka tonight.

You're pickin' her up.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Oh, hello, partner.

We have a golden opportunity,
partner.

So why don't you meet me
as soon as possible

at the House of 7 Joys.
Viking Street.

Uh, no. It's honest time now.
The House of 7 Joys?

That's, uh, Yu-Rang's pad.

MATT:
We'll meet in the open.
Uh, Tivoli Gardens.

West gate.

And one more thing,
sweetheart.

I know where the gold is,

so that makes me
the senior partner.

(PHONE CLICKS)

I believe he does know.

He may,

and he may not.

But I can't afford
to speculate.

(TRANSMITTER BEEPING)

Permit me, Mr. Helm.

May I, Mr. Helm?

Thank you.

This way, please.

May I call you "partner"?

It was thoughtful of you
to call me, Mr. Helm,

with such an attractive
proposal.

Oh, don't knock it, honey.

The finder's fee
is $50 million.

No questions, no strings.

His Excellency
would have questions.

Who's he gonna ask?
Other guys wearing stripes?

What's to prevent me
taking the whole bowl of rice?

The billion?

Well, in the first place, you
don't have Contini's contacts,

and you're too little
for that much loot.

And your share?

Oh, I'm an agent of I.C.E.
I don't get one yen.

Oh, you... You're doing this
only for duty?

Well,
you're a generous person.

I figure, later on,
Christmas time,

you might send me a card
or something.

Forgive me, Yu-Rang.

There's a call from
your headquarters in Bombay.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, no.

Mr. Helm,
betraying Massimo Contini

is both dangerous
and unprofitable.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

Mr. Helm.

You've caused me
a great deal of inconvenience.

Well, you have to admit
it's been a 2-way street.

Were you tempted by his offer,
my dear?

Of course not,
Your Excellency.

That offer, Mr. Helm,
removed my last nagging doubt.

You don't know
where the gold is,

otherwise you would
not have attempted

to corrupt my loyal servant,
Yu-Rang.

Oh, we know where it is.

And, uh, that offer was
plain common sense.

We want to avoid publicity
and also we want to avoid

killing a couple of dozen
people.

No.

Now I can proceed
precisely on schedule.

Well, uh,
you've forgotten something.

I'm here. You're here.

Yu-Rang and her friendly apes
are here.

But where is MacDonald?

I would like to play poker
with you, Mr. Helm,

because you lie
so unconvincingly.

(TAPPING)

(BUZZING)

(THUDS)

Just in the nick of time.

I was terribly disappointed

that you couldn't keep
our rendezvous, Mr. Helm.

But Mr. MacDonald
proved to be

very cooperative,
shall we say?

Oh, that's Mac, all right.
Anything to help.

But one thing,
we gotta get going.

(BUZZING)

Well, if it isn't
Miss Carlson.

My dear, you must be terribly
dedicated to your work

to wear an atrocious wig
like that.

How very common of you
to mention it.

Your question, I believe, was,
"Where is Mr. MacDonald?"

You sure are somethin',
Count.

But I gotta tell you,
I'm holdin' aces,
back-to-back.

Your call, Mr. Helm.

Operation Rainbow.

Go on.

Lola Medina.

The wild gypsy
with the wise old pappy,

and the noisy bottles.

She was your fun and games

while Operation Rainbow
was being planned.

And you want to know something
about gypsies?

They love to drink
and they love to talk.

I'm sorry you said that,
Mr. Helm.

Because it brings our pleasant
little chat to an end.

(BUTTON CLICKING)

Hold on, Mac.

(BUZZING)

(PHONE BUZZING)

The tracks have been cleared
to Luxembourg.

Proceed to phase 8
immediately.

Be so good as to execute
Messrs Helm and MacDonald.

And don't forget Miss Carlson.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

(MEN EXCLAIMING)

(MEN GRUNTING)

Raise the inside cylinder.

Remove the glass wall.

(BUZZING)

And get ready.

How very unfortunate.

Tsk, tsk.

Get our pal to a hospital.

Oh, never mind me.
Just stop Contini.

(SIGHING)

That could have been you.

Never.

Never. Never. never.
Never. Never.

(MUMBLING)

(BUZZING)

(PHONE BUZZING)

Hurry it up.

Yes, Your Excellency.

Don't just stand there.

Yes, Your Excellency.

The shipment will be
en route to Luxembourg

at h-hour minus 10.

Yu-Rang, intercept Matt Helm.

CONTINI:
He's traveling towards the
chateau, south by southwest.

Yes, Your Excellency.

Turn around.

Turn left at the intersection.
I know a shortcut.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure. Turn left.

Must be the wig.

I beg your pardon?

Well, I mean you...

At the House of 7 Joys,
you didn't do one thing wrong.

Turn right, right here.

Somebody put a river here.

I'll see if it's too deep
to cross.

It's fine.

(SCREAMING)

(WATER GURGLING)

It's too deep.

Too deep, huh?

Look, I want to ask you...
I want to ask you a question.

Whose side are you on?

Well, I'm an agent.

And I... I also happen to be
a good one.

And I'm also a woman.

It was the wig.

(HIGH-PITCHED BUZZING)

Get rid of it!
Throw it! Throw it!

Not at me!

(EXCLAIMING)

YU-RANG:
Ching! To the river!

I want to talk to you.

I want to talk to you, too,
after the job's finished.

Mr. Helm,
I'm afraid the car is broken.

The car's broken?

Yes.

Oh, my hat! My hat's okay.

Hey, come here.

Your hat's not broken, huh?

No.

Your head's broken.
Grab a hold. That's right.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

You through?

You are on their side.

I am not.

Up you go.

Uh, Mr... Mr. Helm,
I think you should know

that I-I'm a bit of a coward
about flying.

Good.

Mr. Helm! Look!

(HIGH-PITCHED BUZZING)

(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)

Contini's.

Band 05, come in.

Are you reading me, Matt?

Time's running out,
Mr. MacDonald

for the British pound,
the American dollar,

the free world.

I can send in a division
of troops.

No. No.

Until I contact Matt,
we can't make a move.

Get on with it, Frankie.
Move it nearer.

Yes, Your Excellency.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Matt Helm.

They will take care of
Mr. Helm's

terminal liquidation.
Come on.

If they happen to fail,
you will execute plan 2.

Yes, Your Excellency.

Unfortunately,
I can't stay to savor

Mr. Helm's final departure.

But Luxembourg,
I shall expect you to dine.

(HELICOPTER APPROACHING)

He's landing
behind the chateau.

Let's go!

(GUN FIRING)

From the window there!

(FIRING CONTINUES)

(GROANING)

(SCREAMING)

(HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLING)

Mr. Helm.

Goodbye.

Our business must
remain unfinished.

I'm sorry, Matt.

(HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLING)

(MACHINE GUN FIRING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Oh, dear.

(PANTING)

(GROANING)

(YELLING)

Just a minute.
I'm not through with you yet.

(YELLING)

(YELLING)

I could indulge myself
by killing you, Mr. Helm.

But I will leave that
small chore

to your colleague,
Miss Carlson.

Oh, no. Oh!

(DOOR OPENING)

Aah!

Oh! I'm... I'm sorry.
Did I hurt you?

Of course you hurt me.

(EXCLAIMS)

Okay, let's...

No, no, no, come with me.
I know a better way.

Are you sure
it's not occupied?

Isn't this fun?

Well, isn't it?

Oh, isn't this wonderful?

I just can't wait.

You can't wait?

You know, like you say,
to have our little talk.

Mr. Helm, there it is! There!

Oh, isn't this exciting?

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

Are you comfortable, my dear?

Yes, very comfortable,
thank you.

Mr. Helm!

Mr. Helm!

Mr. Helm, I lost my...
I lost my hat!

FREYA:
Mr. Helm! I'm slipping!

I'm slipping!

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

Mr. Helm, is my hair a mess?

What?

Is my hair a mess?

You wanna know the truth?
Yeah.

You're a mess!

(PHONE BUZZING)

Mr. MacDonald...
Hold it. Hold it.

I'm getting
through to him. Matt?

Matt, where the hell
are you?

Oh, I'm in Contini's diesel.

And what's left of him is...

Is up the track about 30 miles
from his chateau.

Yeah... Yeah, I got the gold.

And I got a couple of
questions.

Where do I take it and
how do you stop this thing?

Don't stop. We're rerouting
you to Copenhagen

on automatic signals.

We'll take over from there.
And, Matt,

MACDONALD:
Don't let one damn thing
go wrong.

Nothing will go wrong.

Hey, do you think
we can have our

little talk now?

♪ We're gonna talk a little ♪

♪ Kiss a little ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna spoil
our bliss a little ♪

♪ And when our talk
is through ♪

♪ How 'bout me and you ♪

(TRAIN WHEELS SCREECHING)

MALE CHORUS:
♪ On the street
of many pleasures ♪

FEMALE CHORUS:
♪ Street of many pleasures ♪

♪ Stands the House of 7 Joys ♪

♪ House of 7 Joys ♪

♪ Like you see it
in the movies ♪

♪ See it in the movies ♪

♪ It's for
groovy girls and boys ♪

♪ Groovy girls and boys ♪

♪ Yeah,
in this Oriental palace ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ You are welcome
night and day ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ Recommended by Matt Helm ♪

♪ And by the A.A.A. ♪

BOTH:
♪ Ah so ♪