Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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(HOUSE OF 7 JOYS BY MACK DAVID DEVOL PLAYING)

MALE CHORUS: ♪ On the street of many pleasures ♪

FEMALE CHORUS: ♪ Street of many pleasures ♪

♪ Stands the House of 7 Joys ♪

♪ House of 7 joys ♪

♪ Like you see it in the movies ♪

♪ See it in the movies ♪

♪ It's for groovy girls and boys ♪

♪ Groovy girls and boys ♪

♪ In this Oriental palace ♪

♪ Pa, pa, pa ♪

♪ You are welcome night and day ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ Recommended by Matt Helm ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ And by the A.A.A. ♪

♪ Ah so, ah so velly velly nice ♪

♪ On the street of many pleasures ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ In the House of 7 Joys ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ Many times you feel like swingin' ♪

♪ There are 7 clingin' toys ♪

BOTH: ♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ Oriental relaxation ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ Chinese psychedelic cults ♪

♪ Pa pa pa pa ♪

♪ Recommended by Matt Helm ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ And only for adults ♪

♪ Ah so, ah so velly velly nice ♪

♪ On the street of many pleasures ♪

♪ Street of many pleasures ♪

♪ In the House of 7 Joys ♪

♪ House of 7 joys ♪

♪ You will dig the flower chicks ♪

♪ Dig the flower chicks ♪

♪ That the management employs ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ Every little lotus blossom ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ As she greets you she will say ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ Recommended by Matt Helm ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ And by the A.A.A. ♪

♪ Ah so, ah so velly velly nice ♪

♪ Ah so ♪

(TRAIN HORN BLARING)

With $1 billion in gold shining at me, I feel reckless.

I'll open for a dime.

Well, with $1 billion in gold, I'm in.

(TRAIN WHEELS CLATTERING)

(SNAPS FINGERS)

Contact. All elements.

Operation Rainbow is entering phase 1.

Execute.

(ENGINE REVVING) LINKA: Repeat. Execute.

(TRAIN APPROACHING)

(HORN BLARING)

(BRAKES SQUEALING)

This isn't a scheduled stop.

No sweat, men.

(TRAIN HORN BLARING)

Relax, men. Everything's okay.

(GUNS FIRING)

Red alert! Ice! Red alert...

10 seconds behind schedule.

Is that catastrophic?

Yes. I deplore sloppiness.

Nelson? MacDonald. MacDonald!

All sections from 6 through 18 are on emergency standby.

I'm picking up Matt Helm.

Phase 2, intercept MacDonald. Repeat.

CONTINI: Phase 2. Intercept MacDonald.

Yes, Your Excellency. Go.

(ENGINE REVVING)

What if they can't?

If we can delay the American counterforce by that much,

it will add precious minutes to each phase of Operation Rainbow.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(TIRES SKIDDING)

MacDonald, I.C.E.

Establish roadblocks to pick up black sedan,

2 occupants, Maryland plates.

Matt.

Matt!

(BEEPING)

Oh, the poor boy,

he's so tired.

(MOANS)

(RED SAILS IN THE SUNSET BY NAT KING COLE PLAYING)

♪ Red sails in the sunset ♪

♪ Way out in the west ♪

♪ They named you long distance ♪

♪ Cause your switchboard's the best ♪

Will you try his radio band?

I can't get through to him.

(BEEPING)

I can't reach him either, Mac.

♪ Oh, how we'll dance ♪

♪ On the night that we're wed ♪

♪ We'll have to keep dancing ♪

♪ Or you'll burn up our bed ♪

♪ Grab your coat, get your pail ♪

♪ Let me take you in the barn, dear ♪

♪ Just sit back and watch ♪

♪ 'Cause I found a cow who gives scotch ♪

(CAR HORN BLARING)

Hey, Mac, glad you dropped by.

I want you to meet some cute little...

No, never mind.

But I'm paying those girls double time. You know what it costs

to double-time all of them?

Yeah, yeah. Get in.

You do? Okay.

Mac. Mac. You gotta turn around.

S-somebody left my phone off the hook.

Yeah. And I know who that somebody was.

Now shut up and listen.

$1 billion in American gold en route to London

was stolen from a train in Denmark.

It's panic time in every money market in the world,

if the story breaks.

So, we can't send in a task force.

It's got to be a one-man job.

Uh, let me guess who you got in mind.

(BUZZING)

Yes, Operation Rainbow has entered phase 3

precisely on schedule.

You may notify our brokers in Bombay, Ceylon, and Tokyo

that the gold will not be...

Repeat, not be delivered to London on Monday.

(FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYING ON T.V.)

We've got one lead from Interpol.

That's where it's at.

MAC: Count Massimo Contini.

Now you name it, he probably owns it.

Oil, steel, railroads, munitions in a dozen countries.

A multimillionaire, aiming at a multibillion.

I like his style.

Lola Medina.

(BEEPING)

The office of the president of the United States.

Mr. MacDonald, because of our balance of payment deficits,

the gold cannot be replaced.

It must be recovered.

Our best estimate is this,

from the time Mr. Helm arrives in Copenhagen

he will have 48 hours to accomplish his mission.

Is there anything else, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT: No, that is all.

WELLINGTON: That's all, Mr. MacDonald.

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

MAC: Now, Lola Medina got her severance pay

several months ago.

(GLASS SMASHING)

He fired her?

Mmm-hmm.

But he had this waiting in the wings.

(BUTTON CLICKS)

4.

(CLATTERING)

All of it, my dear.

Oh, I really like his style.

MAC: Linka Karensky.

And remember,

she's about as gentle as a barracuda.

(EXPLODES)

(HISSING)

It's highly volatile.

Disappears in 15 or 20 seconds.

20 seconds. Hardly seems worth the trouble.

Anyone exposed to it without these goggles

is blinded for at least a minute and a half.

It's enough time to do anything.

You'll use your standard cover, freelance photographer.

This switch activates a smoke ejection unit.

Matt, we have one prayer.

The Danish tourist bureau is trying to get you into Contini's chateau.

To take pretty pictures?

To find out whatever you can.

(PHONE BUZZING)

Hello.

Contini's our only lead, Matt.

Nelson, scramble your phone.

(HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING)

Any report from the Danish tourist bureau?

Negative, Mac.

Well, we can't wait any longer.

And your chance of finding Contini is nil.

Oh, but you're gonna make sure he finds me.

Nelson, break Matt's cover.

You've got to be trying to get rid of me.

Alert the network in zone 3 that Matt's on his way to Denmark

to recover that $1 billion in gold.

Just one thing. What if Contini's, uh...

Well, what if he ain't the guy?

Then whoever's got that gold will be right on your tail.

We'll give you every protection we can.

This is your mini-copter.

It's very simple, Matt. 2 universal joints,

3 master lock screws, and you're in business.

It goes in there, and then into the trunk of your car.

Now, this just came over from research.

(HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING)

Oh, it blows up, huh?

It's so new, we don't even have a name for it yet.

(HIGH-PITCHED HUMMING)

Why don't we call it, uh, "A little bit of hanky-panky"?

(WOMAN CHATTERING OVER P.A. SYSTEM)

Mr. Helm has arrived.

Very good.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

The information from zone 3 was accurate.

Mr. Helm is at the airport.

Very well. Keep him under surveillance.

But do not kill him yet.

May I ask why Your Excellency's being so generous?

Not generous, my dear. Cautious.

Your car is ready and your baggage has been delivered to it.

Hmm, how about the extra equipment?

In the trunk, as per your instructions.

Thank you.

And thank you, Mr. Helm.

He's leaving now.

YU-RANG: Follow him.

(HISSING)

Your Excellency, your call.

Operation Rainbow has entered phase 4.

On schedule.

Stand by for my instructions on Monday morning.

Congratulations are in order.

Congratulations are premature, my dear Massimo.

The report from zone 3 has been confirmed.

And Mr. Helm is on the scene. Thank you.

So what do you intend to do?

I haven't decided.

At the moment, he's under surveillance.

Massimo,

don't waste time. Kill him.

I never waste anything or anyone, dear Linka.

But,

this breakdown in American security

is far too convenient for my liking.

Our schedule has very little tolerance for errors.

Errors are made by those who blindly accept the obvious.

And I can't believe that they would risk an agent

of Mr. Helm's caliber quite so casually.

But I will find out. And then I will kill him.

(CAR HONKING)

(GRUNTING)

Can I be of assistance?

Oh, he always gets that way after a couple of martinis.

(CAR DOOR CLOSING)

It's a pleasure to welcome you to Copenhagen.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh. I...I twisted my ankle.

Well, I-I'd better have a look at it.

No, no, it's all right, really.

Thank you so much.

Oh, it was my pleasure.

Boulevard Greig. Number 14. Tonight.

MATT: A very pleasant hotel here.

(CHUCKLES)

Mr. Helm? Yes.

(GLASS SHATTERING) Oh!

Oh, oh.

(MATT CHUCKLING)

I'm Freya. Welcome to Denmark, Mr. Helm.

You always greet people like this?

I'm Freya Carlson, your tourist bureau contact.

These are for you. Street maps, places of interest.

Hmm.

This is for you, too.

Hmm. Oh, what year was that?

1949.

Oh, it's a very good year.

I'm here to help you in any way I can.

Well, it's very nice of you.

Is there anything you'd like me to do?

Uh, yes, ma'am. A couple of things.

Yes, sir.

Would you mind getting off my camera case, please?

(GASPING) Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, that's fine.

I'm sorry. That's okay.

Umm.

Uh, what about the arrangements at, uh, Contini's chateau?

Oh, that's in the works. I'm expecting a call from the chateau at 11:00.

Mmm.

I'm sorry about...

Welcome to Denmark.

It's some kind of hotel you got here.

(SIGHING)

Mmm, half a bottle is better than none.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

LOLA: It's open. Come in.

Yep.

(SIGHING)

(MY MELANCHOLY BABY BY FRANK SINATRA PLAYING)

♪ Come to me ♪

♪ My melancholy baby ♪

♪ Cuddle up and don't be shy ♪

♪ I adore you pet ♪

♪ But the towel's a little wet ♪

♪ May I suggest we hang it ♪

♪ Out to dry ♪

You're early, Mr. Helm.

I wasn't sure you'd come.

I was, Miss Lola Medina.

Oh, I underestimated you.

You know who I am.

Mr. Helm,

I need your advice.

Advice?

Would you please change the color of the lights?

Turn down the color of the lights?

Oh.

Turn the red one.

The red one?

Mr. Helm, as a professional photographer,

which color would be, uh,

most appealing in this particular light?

That clashes with your eyes.

And I know your setup with Contini.

Would you turn on the blue light, please?

Blue light. Must be the 2nd one, huh?

Is this more interesting?

I also know you're off the team.

But I was on the team when Operation Rainbow was being planned.

Would you put on the green light?

Operation Rainbow?

Operation Rainbow, our code name for $1 billion...

What's your American word? Heist.

Heist? Huh, heist.

(CLATTERING)

Would you change the light?

Yes.

Well?

Yep. Mmm-hmm.

I... I know what you're after

and, uh, I like the way you're goin' about it.

Thank you, Mr. Helm.

Oh, it's all right.

Oh, thank you.

I mean,

no, thanks. I mean, I don't use them.

Oh.

(MOANS)

Nobody's gonna believe this down at the office, but, uh,

I'm on a very tight schedule.

But I know where the gold is, Mr. Helm.

Well, I-I'm not on that... That tight a schedule.

(CHUCKLING)

I love flexible men.

There's... There's just, uh, 2 little words, uh,

where it is, uh,

how much?

Oh, I'm a gypsy, Mr. Helm.

My father was a gypsy.

And he taught us one thing,

wise men enjoy pleasure

before business.

Well, I like your father's thinking.

(INHALES)

Oh.

Oh, I'm a wretched hostess, Mr. Helm.

I haven't offered you a thing.

I wouldn't say that.

What do you prefer?

To drink.

I've heard that you do

drink.

Well, it's...

Just call it a hobby. Scotch on the rocks.

Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm out of scotch.

Can I give you something else?

Surprise me.

Oh, Mr. Helm,

for my cooperation, I want 2 things,

Massimo Contini destroyed

and $1 million.

$1 million, huh?

Oh, you're in luck, Mr. Helm.

(EXPLOSION RUMBLING)

(THUDDING)

(POLICE CAR APPROACHING)

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

POLICEMAN: Get out of the car.

Your hands in the air, please.

FREYA: Wait just a minute!

Your identification.

Wait just a minute. Just a minute.

I'm Freya Carlson from the Danish tourist bureau.

Oh, for heaven's sake, put that silly gun away.

This happens to be Matt Helm,

one of America's most distinguished photographers.

Well, that may be true, but...

No news from the chateau yet.

Uh, have you had your dinner?

Look, Miss Carlson, we've just received reports of, uh,

an explosion and a homicide in this building

that your Mr. Helm was leaving so hastily.

Well, I would say leaving the area of an explosion hastily

is an extremely sensible reaction.

Uh, it must... It must have been horrifying...

Will you shut up?

Come along, sir.

I'm only trying to help.

Don't do me a... You'll help me right into death row.

Why don't you split. Go call the American embassy.

I'm not running out on you.

Please, do me a... Run out, huh? Desert! Desert!

MATT: Desert, please desert.

Why, Mr. Helm, what a pleasant surprise!

I hope so.

What is all this?

Excellency, we're checking an explosion and a homicide...

Then I suggest that you get on with it.

I'll vouch for Mr. Helm.

Yes, Excellency.

Mr. Helm, I am Count Massimo Contini.

I know you by your reputation, of course.

Count Contini,

I've been trying to get in touch with you for days.

We wanted permission to photograph your chateau.

That would be my pleasure.

Shall we say 10:00 tomorrow morning?

Yes, fine. 10:00.

Who we? We? We? What's "we"?

Us. You and me. Hmm.

My orders from the tourist bureau

are to work directly under you.

Hmm. Directly under?

The first order is to get outta here.

Yes, sir.

Hmm.

Yes, ma'am.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

(CLANKING)

(HONKING)

Mr. Helm. I think we're stuck.

We're what?

We're stuck.

We're stuck? Yeah.

Good.

Is that all you've got to say?

Oh, dear! I just ruined a perfectly good pair of stockings.

Poor Lola made the headlines.

It was a rather noisy exit.

Arranged by you?

But of course.

She met with Mr. Helm for only one reason, to betray you.

So I simply stopped by her place

and dropped off a gift bottle of scotch.

With that inevitable kick in it.

But you disobeyed my orders, you risked the life of Mr. Helm.

Oh, darling, we discussed all that last night.

It seemed to me that you forgave me. No?

Last night I was in a forgiving mood.

This morning I'm thinking realistically of $1 billion in gold...

(CAR HONKS ON C.C.T.V.)

And Mr. Helm...

Whose character we will now test.

Mr. Helm, his Excellency will see you now.

This way, please.

Miss Carlson. Mr. Helm.

You are prompt.

We couldn't wait to get started, Your Excellency.

We?

I'll take notes while Mr. Helm takes the pictures.

Mmm-hmm.

I'll take her anytime.

CONTINI: Miss Carlson, Mr. Helm,

my fiancee, Miss Linka Karensky.

Miss Karensky, they told me...

Linka. Please call me Linka, Mr. Helm.

Well, make mine Matt, okay?

They told me the count had great taste.

Who told you that?

I did.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Uh, Mr. Helm, we came here to work, remember?

Yes. Perhaps you'd like to start in the conservatory.

Come along, my dear.

The view is simply breathtaking.

It sure is.

Was it something I said?

In our civilized business, this is the traditional time

to offer you a cigarette or some liquid refreshment perhaps.

But since we are professional people, on limiting time schedules,

I suggest that we dispense with such amenities.

Oh, no, let's not dispense with any of those things.

(CHUCKLING)

But, of course, you're right. Karl...

There's so little time for grace

and civility in this vulgar world of ours.

Well, I said it once and I'll say it again, I like your style.

Actually, I would have preferred to live in a different century.

Florence in the 13th, or Germany in the 18th.

Wouldn't you, Mr. Helm?

It'd be all wrong, I'd be dead by now. Hmm?

(LAUGHING)

Which brings me precisely to the point.

You see, I know who you are, Mr. Helm.

An agent of I.C.E.

And I know why you came to Denmark.

To recover $1 billion in American gold.

Somebody's puttin' you on, Count.

Please, Mr. Helm,

stupidity has a tendency to make me impatient.

However,

luckily, I dislike unnecessary violence,

which may lead to unnecessary publicity.

Therefore, you are going to South America

on the next available flight.

With $1 million in cash.

Oh, I'd hate myself in the morning.

CONTINI: $2 million?

I'd hate myself twice in the morning.

I'd lose my sense of values.

You are interfering with plans

as delicately balanced as a Swiss chronometer.

Therefore I must kill you.

Uh, you remember what you said about being stupid?

You think I walked in here without knowing I could walk out?

Now, the Danish tourist bureau, they know where I am.

And they know the minute I'm expected back.

If I don't show up, you're gonna be up to your hips in cops.

MATT: Freya, uh,

uh, tell him the tourist bureau, they know where I am, right?

Oh, no, Mr. Helm.

No, Mr. Helm?

No, our clients have complete privacy.

No one knows who you are.

(EXCLAIMS)

(FREYA EXCLAIMING)

Oh.

MATT: Hold it! Smile!

FREYA: Ah! Oh!

(HISSING)

Oh, they didn't smile.

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(YELLING)

(GROANING)

(GRUNTING)

(YELLING)

(COUGHING)

(MEN COUGHING)

(ALARM RINGING)

(COUGHING)

Oh!

You'll be all right. Yes.

All right, get over there.

Come on!

(SCREAMING)

Okay.

(LINKA GASPING)

What... What makes you think she can swim?

That was the only way to find out. Right?

Yeah, right, right.

Bah!

(ALARM CONTINUES RINGING)

Get him!

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(THUDDING)

Why are they bumping us, Mr. Helm?

They're coming, Mr. Helm!

(THUDDING)

Don't push me down. I can't see.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

They're trying to kill us, Mr. Helm. They're trying to kill us.

FREYA: Drive faster.

(TIRES SKIDDING)

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

Faster! You're an awful driver.

Hang onto your miniskirt.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(LAUGHS)

At the tram, the road dead-ends.

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

Ooh.

Bring it down. Now!

(SQUEAKING)

FREYA: It's occupied.

(KNOCKING)

FREYA: Please, just a minute.

For heaven's sake. Oh, no!

(MAN GRUNTING)

Get to the car.

(MEN YELLING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(YELLING)

(GRUNTING)

Hyah!

(GROANING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(YELLING)

(MEN THUDDING)

(MEN YELLING)

Yah!

Ah!

(GRUNTING)

(YELLING)

(GROANING)

You did? You'd better.

Each phase of the operation has been advanced 8 hours.

You will have the pleasure of killing Mr. Helm.

Thank you very much, Your Excellency.

(HONKING)

(BRAKES SQUEAKING)

All right.

Get out and remember, we'll call you. Out!

(EXACTLY LIKE YOU BY DOROTHY FIELDS, JIMMY MACHUGH)

♪ I know why I've waited ♪

♪ Know why I've been blue ♪

♪ Prayed each night for a room mate ♪

♪ Exactly like you ♪

Mr. Helm? Mmm-hmm.

Yu-Rang.

No, I didn't.

But since you're here, why don't you sit down?

No, my name is Yu-Rang.

Your name is Yu-Rang? That's good.

Lie down. I want to talk to you.

About a certain $1 billion in gold?

Half a billion, Mr. Helm.

I'm thinking of a partnership.

So am I.

Shall we, um, come to the point?

Well, maybe you're in too big a hurry.

Now that we're partners, uh,

why don't you just relax, Miss Yu-Rang?

Let's not be formal, Matt.

My first name is Wen.

Wen? Wen Yu-Rang.

(CHUCKLING) Mmm-hmm.

I say the answer's hello.

Mmm-hmm, hello.

Now where did you say my half a billion in gold was?

In the same place my half a billion is.

(FREYA CLEARING THROAT)

FREYA: Pardon me, Mr. Helm.

She's here.

No. Yes, she's here.

She's got a knife in her hand.

I know she's got a knife in her hands.

And I said I'd call you.

But it's very important.

Uh, pardon me?

Oh, we're having a party, no?

Here.

They, um, they told me you were a unique

experience, Mr. Helm. Matt.

Incredibly formidable, exciting.

Now I shall never find out.

Mr. Helm, Mr. MacDonald has been calling

and he's on his way here.

Oh, isn't that an adorable mink, Mr. Helm?

Uh, I don't know what you've got,

but you sure got bad timing.

(PHONE RINGING)

Yes? Oh, Linka?

A lodge? I'd love to.

Mr. Helm, aren't you gonna wait for Mr. MacDonald?

He cabled the bureau that he'd be in tonight.

Want to do me a favor?

Yes, sir.

Go play in the freeway.

Without a car.

(PHONE RINGING)

FREYA: J.B., please.

J.B.

Yes.

Establish an observation post at Contini's chateau.

It'll be functional at 0800 hours.

Right.

Mr. MacDonald, can you give us any assurance

that Matt Helm will complete his mission on time?

I regret to say that I can't, Mr. Ambassador.

You see, Matt's been out of contact for the past 26 hours.

Gentlemen, unless we get that gold on Monday,

by noon the pound will be worthless.

In that event, how long could the American dollar survive?

Can't we send in a task force?

No, sir. We just can't risk a newsbreak.

However, I've notified Matt

that I'm on my way to Copenhagen.

I'll report to you by 0100.

Gentlemen.

(CAR DOOR CLOSING)

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

♪ If your sweetheart ♪

♪ Puts a pistol in her bed ♪

♪ You'd do better ♪

♪ Sleeping with your uncle Fred ♪

I told you I'd love to come.

(SIGHING)

Of course, but you... You startled me.

You weren't expecting me?

Oh, but I'm delighted you're here.

As a matter of fact, I could use a little help.

Would you, please?

Hmm.

Oh!

Which way, up or down?

There's always a choice, Mr. Helm, isn't there?

Mmm-hmm.

Thank you.

I thought you wanted to talk.

Well, can't that wait?

I always prefer pleasure before business.

Hmm. I bet your father was a wise old gypsy.

Because I'm going barefoot?

Ah, just a thought.

But I like your thinkin'. Pleasure first.

Without interruptions.

Were you expecting someone?

Yeah. That nice friendly character in your car.

But don't you worry about him. He's taking a nice long nap.

Oh, well, that was stupid. Karl is no threat to you.

And neither am I.

So this is the place I was gonna get shot in the back.

Kind of a stylish pad to, um, take off from.

Oh, I forgot to tell you, I took the gun.

(CHUCKLING)

Well, of course Contini sent me here to kill you.

But you see, on the way over here,

I changed my mind and I decided not to.

Mmm-hmm. After I decked that friendly chap

and after I took the hardware, then you decided?

Mr. Helm. Mmm-hmm?

(WHISPERING) Come here.

You want me to lie down so you can talk to me?

Okay.

(SIGHING)

About a partnership.

A full partnership? Name on a rug, door, floor?

The full treatment.

You see, the train has stopped for Contini and me,

and I'm getting off.

To wait for me?

Mmm-hmm.

Why?

Because I was told

you were well worth waiting for.

Gossip. Just gossip.

Don't you believe me?

No.

(SCOFFING)

Mr. Helm.

Hmm?

Look under the pillow at your left-hand side.

You see, my friendly chauffeur and, uh, the other gun

were just decoys.

And that is the gun I was supposed to kill you with.

I'm even taking off my bracelet

because I don't want you to get scratched.

Now do you believe me?

I'd better.

You got a deal. Now, where is the gold?

It's being moved right now.

They won't believe this down at the office either,

but here's a straight question, where to?

I really don't know.

And I won't know for hours.

So you see, we've all the time in the world.

(HORN BLARING)

(SIGHING)

Horn. That's a horn. That's not a horn.

You didn't... That wasn't...

Tell me you didn't hear a horn. You heard a horn?

She's here. She's here.

You got a deal, partner. Now, you call me.

(SIGHING)

(DOOR CLICKING)

(CAR HORN HONKING)

There's activity, but nothing conclusive.

Maintain surveillance.

J.B.: Right.

(GUNSHOTS)

♪ Let me call you sweetheart ♪

♪ I'm in love with you ♪

♪ I haven't seen your face, dear ♪

♪ But your legs will do ♪

CONTINI: Each phase of our operation has been advanced 10 hours.

Repeat, 10 hours.

Shipments will be delivered

according to my prearranged schedules.

But our tolerances have been drastically reduced.

MacDonald is here.

Which means that I.C.E.,

has established red alert plus one.

You tried and failed.

I won't tonight.

CONTINI: Words. I can't afford the luxury of words.

There's been a serious breakdown in security.

The chateau has been under surveillance for 7 hours.

Deplorable!

When the estate is re-secured and quadrants checked,

you will make a phone call to Mr. Helm

and you will arrange to meet him at the usual rendezvous.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Ho-ho-ho-hold it.

Well, Matt.

Oh, Mr. MacDonald!

Freya! For Pete's sake, Freya!

Oh, let me look...

Freya, how long has it been?

Uh, Prague or maybe it was the Jefferson affair...

Now don't tell me that you know little Miss foul-up here?

Now just one minute.

I was told to work directly under you,

and you refused to cooperate.

You say that again,

I'm gonna teach you to watch your language.

Matt, I told you we'd give you all the protection we could.

She's my protection?

She happens to be with British intelligence.

I get it. You're trying to get rid of me.

And an extremely efficient one, too.

As a Matter of fact, I've established

an observation post above Contini's chateau.

And what did you find out?

Nothing at all.

The agent was killed.

Well, that figures.

And, in addition, I was extremely efficient

at the tramway with Yu-Rang, remember?

Uh-huh. Oh, that was in the ladies' room.

Wait a minute. Yu-Rang is here?

Mmm-hmm.

Well, that's trouble in spades.

She's Contini's top agent in Hong Kong.

Matt, what inning is it?

I think it's the 9th inning and you're right on target.

Contini is our guy.

The United States is holding a 5% finder's fee

for that gold, and no questions asked.

$50 million, huh?

Well, I'm supposed to meet Linka tonight,

and they've set me up for a hit.

But I'm gonna shock her out of her miniskirt.

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, would you answer that, please?

No, over there.

And if it's little Linka, stall.

You know what that means, stall.

Mr. Helm's suite.

Uh, no, he isn't at the moment.

May I take a message?

Thank you.

It was your little Linka.

Huh, they really think I'm buying.

Now if only I knew where Yu-Rang lived,

I would have had a cozy little chat with her.

It just so happens that I know

where Yu-Rang hangs her kimono.

I bet you do. 10-to-one, you don't.

Bet.

You just remember that

this happens to be my home cricket pitch.

Well, stop pitching your cricket and give.

The House of 7 Joys. Number 5, Viking Street.

10-to-one?

(PHONE RINGING)

Matt, hold it.

Now, be sensible.

Use your head for something beside a target.

You're walking into a firing squad.

I'm glad you're worried about me,

but, uh, I'm gonna be sensible.

I'm using my head. I'm not meeting Linka tonight.

You're pickin' her up.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Oh, hello, partner.

We have a golden opportunity, partner.

So why don't you meet me as soon as possible

at the House of 7 Joys. Viking Street.

Uh, no. It's honest time now. The House of 7 Joys?

That's, uh, Yu-Rang's pad.

MATT: We'll meet in the open. Uh, Tivoli Gardens.

West gate.

And one more thing, sweetheart.

I know where the gold is,

so that makes me the senior partner.

(PHONE CLICKS)

I believe he does know.

He may,

and he may not.

But I can't afford to speculate.

(TRANSMITTER BEEPING)

Permit me, Mr. Helm.

May I, Mr. Helm?

Thank you.

This way, please.

May I call you "partner"?

It was thoughtful of you to call me, Mr. Helm,

with such an attractive proposal.

Oh, don't knock it, honey.

The finder's fee is $50 million.

No questions, no strings.

His Excellency would have questions.

Who's he gonna ask? Other guys wearing stripes?

What's to prevent me taking the whole bowl of rice?

The billion?

Well, in the first place, you don't have Contini's contacts,

and you're too little for that much loot.

And your share?

Oh, I'm an agent of I.C.E. I don't get one yen.

Oh, you... You're doing this only for duty?

Well, you're a generous person.

I figure, later on, Christmas time,

you might send me a card or something.

Forgive me, Yu-Rang.

There's a call from your headquarters in Bombay.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, no.

Mr. Helm, betraying Massimo Contini

is both dangerous and unprofitable.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

Mr. Helm.

You've caused me a great deal of inconvenience.

Well, you have to admit it's been a 2-way street.

Were you tempted by his offer, my dear?

Of course not, Your Excellency.

That offer, Mr. Helm, removed my last nagging doubt.

You don't know where the gold is,

otherwise you would not have attempted

to corrupt my loyal servant, Yu-Rang.

Oh, we know where it is.

And, uh, that offer was plain common sense.

We want to avoid publicity and also we want to avoid

killing a couple of dozen people.

No.

Now I can proceed precisely on schedule.

Well, uh, you've forgotten something.

I'm here. You're here.

Yu-Rang and her friendly apes are here.

But where is MacDonald?

I would like to play poker with you, Mr. Helm,

because you lie so unconvincingly.

(TAPPING)

(BUZZING)

(THUDS)

Just in the nick of time.

I was terribly disappointed

that you couldn't keep our rendezvous, Mr. Helm.

But Mr. MacDonald proved to be

very cooperative, shall we say?

Oh, that's Mac, all right. Anything to help.

But one thing, we gotta get going.

(BUZZING)

Well, if it isn't Miss Carlson.

My dear, you must be terribly dedicated to your work

to wear an atrocious wig like that.

How very common of you to mention it.

Your question, I believe, was, "Where is Mr. MacDonald?"

You sure are somethin', Count.

But I gotta tell you, I'm holdin' aces, back-to-back.

Your call, Mr. Helm.

Operation Rainbow.

Go on.

Lola Medina.

The wild gypsy with the wise old pappy,

and the noisy bottles.

She was your fun and games

while Operation Rainbow was being planned.

And you want to know something about gypsies?

They love to drink and they love to talk.

I'm sorry you said that, Mr. Helm.

Because it brings our pleasant little chat to an end.

(BUTTON CLICKING)

Hold on, Mac.

(BUZZING)

(PHONE BUZZING)

The tracks have been cleared to Luxembourg.

Proceed to phase 8 immediately.

Be so good as to execute Messrs Helm and MacDonald.

And don't forget Miss Carlson.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

(MEN EXCLAIMING)

(MEN GRUNTING)

Raise the inside cylinder.

Remove the glass wall.

(BUZZING)

And get ready.

How very unfortunate.

Tsk, tsk.

Get our pal to a hospital.

Oh, never mind me. Just stop Contini.

(SIGHING)

That could have been you.

Never.

Never. Never. never. Never. Never.

(MUMBLING)

(BUZZING)

(PHONE BUZZING)

Hurry it up.

Yes, Your Excellency.

Don't just stand there.

Yes, Your Excellency.

The shipment will be en route to Luxembourg

at h-hour minus 10.

Yu-Rang, intercept Matt Helm.

CONTINI: He's traveling towards the chateau, south by southwest.

Yes, Your Excellency.

Turn around.

Turn left at the intersection. I know a shortcut.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure. Turn left.

Must be the wig.

I beg your pardon?

Well, I mean you...

At the House of 7 Joys, you didn't do one thing wrong.

Turn right, right here.

Somebody put a river here.

I'll see if it's too deep to cross.

It's fine.

(SCREAMING)

(WATER GURGLING)

It's too deep.

Too deep, huh?

Look, I want to ask you... I want to ask you a question.

Whose side are you on?

Well, I'm an agent.

And I... I also happen to be a good one.

And I'm also a woman.

It was the wig.

(HIGH-PITCHED BUZZING)

Get rid of it! Throw it! Throw it!

Not at me!

(EXCLAIMING)

YU-RANG: Ching! To the river!

I want to talk to you.

I want to talk to you, too, after the job's finished.

Mr. Helm, I'm afraid the car is broken.

The car's broken?

Yes.

Oh, my hat! My hat's okay.

Hey, come here.

Your hat's not broken, huh?

No.

Your head's broken. Grab a hold. That's right.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

You through?

You are on their side.

I am not.

Up you go.

Uh, Mr... Mr. Helm, I think you should know

that I-I'm a bit of a coward about flying.

Good.

Mr. Helm! Look!

(HIGH-PITCHED BUZZING)

(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)

Contini's.

Band 05, come in.

Are you reading me, Matt?

Time's running out, Mr. MacDonald

for the British pound, the American dollar,

the free world.

I can send in a division of troops.

No. No.

Until I contact Matt, we can't make a move.

Get on with it, Frankie. Move it nearer.

Yes, Your Excellency.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Matt Helm.

They will take care of Mr. Helm's

terminal liquidation. Come on.

If they happen to fail, you will execute plan 2.

Yes, Your Excellency.

Unfortunately, I can't stay to savor

Mr. Helm's final departure.

But Luxembourg, I shall expect you to dine.

(HELICOPTER APPROACHING)

He's landing behind the chateau.

Let's go!

(GUN FIRING)

From the window there!

(FIRING CONTINUES)

(GROANING)

(SCREAMING)

(HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLING)

Mr. Helm.

Goodbye.

Our business must remain unfinished.

I'm sorry, Matt.

(HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLING)

(MACHINE GUN FIRING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Oh, dear.

(PANTING)

(GROANING)

(YELLING)

Just a minute. I'm not through with you yet.

(YELLING)

(YELLING)

I could indulge myself by killing you, Mr. Helm.

But I will leave that small chore

to your colleague, Miss Carlson.

Oh, no. Oh!

(DOOR OPENING)

Aah!

Oh! I'm... I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?

Of course you hurt me.

(EXCLAIMS)

Okay, let's...

No, no, no, come with me. I know a better way.

Are you sure it's not occupied?

Isn't this fun?

Well, isn't it?

Oh, isn't this wonderful?

I just can't wait.

You can't wait?

You know, like you say, to have our little talk.

Mr. Helm, there it is! There!

Oh, isn't this exciting?

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

Are you comfortable, my dear?

Yes, very comfortable, thank you.

Mr. Helm!

Mr. Helm!

Mr. Helm, I lost my... I lost my hat!

FREYA: Mr. Helm! I'm slipping!

I'm slipping!

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

Mr. Helm, is my hair a mess?

What?

Is my hair a mess?

You wanna know the truth? Yeah.

You're a mess!

(PHONE BUZZING)

Mr. MacDonald... Hold it. Hold it.

I'm getting through to him. Matt?

Matt, where the hell are you?

Oh, I'm in Contini's diesel.

And what's left of him is...

Is up the track about 30 miles from his chateau.

Yeah... Yeah, I got the gold.

And I got a couple of questions.

Where do I take it and how do you stop this thing?

Don't stop. We're rerouting you to Copenhagen

on automatic signals.

We'll take over from there. And, Matt,

MACDONALD: Don't let one damn thing go wrong.

Nothing will go wrong.

Hey, do you think we can have our

little talk now?

♪ We're gonna talk a little ♪

♪ Kiss a little ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna spoil our bliss a little ♪

♪ And when our talk is through ♪

♪ How 'bout me and you ♪

(TRAIN WHEELS SCREECHING)

MALE CHORUS: ♪ On the street of many pleasures ♪

FEMALE CHORUS: ♪ Street of many pleasures ♪

♪ Stands the House of 7 Joys ♪

♪ House of 7 Joys ♪

♪ Like you see it in the movies ♪

♪ See it in the movies ♪

♪ It's for groovy girls and boys ♪

♪ Groovy girls and boys ♪

♪ Yeah, in this Oriental palace ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ You are welcome night and day ♪

♪ Pa pa pa ♪

♪ Recommended by Matt Helm ♪

♪ And by the A.A.A. ♪

BOTH: ♪ Ah so ♪