Original subtitles

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Who's your friend when things get rough ♪

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Can't do a little 'cause he can't do enough ♪

♪ Once upon a summertime ♪

♪ Just a dream from yesterday ♪

♪ A boy and his magic golden flute ♪

♪ Heard a boat from off the bay ♪

♪ Come and play with me, Jimmy ♪

♪ Come and play with me ♪

♪ And I will take you on a trip ♪

♪ Far across the sea ♪

♪ But the boat belonged to a kooky old witch ♪

♪ Who had in mind the flute to snitch ♪

♪ From her broom broom in the sky ♪

♪ She watched her plans materialize ♪

♪ She waved her wand ♪

♪ The beautiful boat was gone ♪

♪ The skies grew dark, the sea grew rough ♪

♪ And the boat sailed on ♪

♪ And on, and on, and on, and on, and on ♪

♪ But Pufnstuf was watching too ♪

♪ And knew exactly what to do ♪

♪ He saw the witch's boat attack ♪

♪ And as the boy was fighting back ♪

♪ He called his rescue racer crew ♪

♪ As often they'd rehearsed ♪

♪ And off to save the boy they flew ♪

♪ But who would get there first ♪

♪ But now the boy had washed ashore ♪

♪ Puf arrived to save the day ♪

♪ Which made the witch so mad and sore ♪

♪ She shook her fist and screamed away ♪

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Who's your friend when things get rough ♪

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Can't do a little 'cause he can't do enough ♪

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Who's your friend when things get rough ♪

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Can't do a little 'cause he can't do enough ♪

- Oh dear movie star, how do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

Oh, speak to me, my beautiful one, speak to me.

- Okay, ya bum, get to work!

- What did you do that for?

Couldn't you see I was only play acting?

- Play acting?

How about acting like a horse,

and doing some work around here.

- Work?

There's more to life than just working.

To arms, to arms, the spiders are coming,

the spiders are coming, to arms.

- Stop already, you ding-a-ling.

Those aren't spiders, they're customers.

Ah, the mayor and young Jimmy.

Greetings, what can I do for you?

- Hi, Ludicrous.

Have you got a mustache?

- What do you think this is, frozen spaghetti?

- No, he means have you got a mustache I can buy?

I need it for the part we're doing in our movie.

- Movie, what movie, where movie, who's movie?

Will you be quiet?

These are cash customers.

Now you say you wanna buy a mustache.

Well, here's a beauty.

A lovely, wonderful, double frazz-a-mazz-a-razz-a-tazz.

Here, try it on.

So, you're making a movie, eh?

- That's right, it's to raise buttons

for our get rid of the witch fund.

It's gonna be terrific.

The famous director Akim Toadenoff is filming it for us.

How does this look?

- Fantastic, and what's more,

it's guaranteed to stay on during all the smooching scenes.

- You know, Ludicrous,

we still need one more actor for the movie.

- An actor, an actor?

I'm an actor.

Hold it, Horse.

- How about it, Ludicrous?

Why don't you take the part?

- Me, an actor?

Never.

- It'll pay quite a few buttons.

- Quite a few buttons, eh?

Well, let me see.

To arms, to arms, the spiders are coming,

the spiders are coming, to arms.

- Wait a minute, those are my lines.

I'm an actor, I'm an actor!

- Good, then act like you're watching the store.

Come, my fellow thespians.

We must not keep our director waiting.

- Get the lights ready, check the wardrobe,

place the props, busy, busy, busy, busy.

- Excuse me, Mr. Toadenoff,

but I'd like to thank you for directing our movie.

- I'm a very busy man.

All right, go ahead, thank me, I'm waiting, thank me!

- Well, I'd like, I'd like-

- Enough, let's not get sickening!

Ready on the set!

Call out my number one star, Shirlee Pufnstuf.

- Miss Pufnstuf wanted on the set.

♪ Tra, la, la, la, la ♪

Oh, thank you.

Oh, you sweet, friendly people.

How nice of you to adore me.

Hi, brother, hi, Jimmy.

- Here he is, Mr. Toadenoff.

I'd like to present Mr. Ludicrous Lion.

- I'm your man, Toady old boy.

- Toady?

You call Toadenoff the Great Toady?

No one calls me Toady!

- No one calls him Toady.

- You, Ludicrous, when the sheriff yells,

"Deputy, grab that varmint,"

you run in and grab him, grab, understand?

- I'll grab, don't you worry now, Toady.

- Don't call me Toady!

Already I can't stand you,

and you haven't even acted yet.

Quiet on the set!

Places, everyone, camera, action!

- Howdy, Sweet Sue.

- Black Bart!

But you're supposed to be in jail.

- I reckon there ain't no jail

strong enough to hold Black Bart.

- The sheriff will come a-looking for you, you bad man.

- And there ain't no sheriff can hold me, either.

How come no sheriff can hold you?

- 'Cause when I grease my boots,

I grease the rest of me too.

Of course, I slip off my horse a lot.

I've got a hankering for you, Sweet Sue.

You and me are riding out together.

- Hold it right there, Black Bart.

- Oh, thank goodness.

It's the sheriff.

- Black Bart, you're under arrest for jail bustin',

horsenappin', and cow punchin'.

- I never punched a cow in my life.

I might've pushed one once, but I didn't punch him.

- A likely story.

You're coming along with me, Black Bart.

- Oh my! - Hold it, Sheriff.

This town ain't big enough for the three of us.

- Oh my.

- So the two of us are gettin' out, so stand back,

or she's a goner.

- Deputy, Deputy, grab that varmint.

- I'm coming, I'm coming.

Got you, varmint.

You'll never get away.

- I'm not the varmint, he is.

Ludicrous, you're supposed to grab Jimmy.

- Oh, really?

Hard to tell one varmint from the other.

Okay, okay, okay.

I've gotcha, you varmints are under arrest.

- I'm not a varmint, I'm the star, hmph.

- Cut!

Cut, this is terrible!

I've never seen anything so terrible in my life.

You're not Ludicrous, you're ridiculous!

You've ruined the whole scene!

You are terrible.

This script is terrible.

Even I'm terrible, and when I'm terrible, I quit!

- No, no, Mr. Toadenoff, please don't quit.

- That's right, Toady.

It's for a good cause.

- I got a better cause, me.

I am through, finished, washed up.

No more picture, everyone go home!

- Gosh, Mr. Toadenoff, it's not your fault

Ludicrous ruined the scene.

Maybe we can find another actor.

- Not only do we need another actor, we need another story,

a new script, something fresh, different.

Let me think, I need a new idea.

- Hi, Ludicrous.

Goofed it, didn't ya?

- What are you doing here, you four-footed fathead?

I told you to wait at the wagon.

Get back to work.

- Oh, why?

Why don't you leave me alone?

Why are you always picking on me?

All I ever do is work, work, work!

Why, oh why, why did I ever leave Wyoming?

- Wait, cut, a dramatic horse!

Toadenoff the Great just had a sensational idea.

I am going to make an all new western movie.

The horse gets the girl!

- The horse gets the girl?

Terrific!

- Gosh, me, Horse?

I'm really gonna be a star?

- What kind of a name is that for a movie star, Horse?

From now on, your name will be Pierpont Pony.

Terrific, hooray!

- Pierpont Pony?

- Pierpont Pony?

I'll kill him, oh no.

- Oh, let me go, Black Bart.

Please let me go, pretty please, pretty please?

- Well ma'am, you're right pretty,

and I'd like to please ya,

but I'm a bad guy.

- Yahoo!

- I'm really bad.

- Gotcha, Black Bart.

Now, don't move.

I gotcha covered.

- Oh, thank heavens.

My hero, you saved me.

- Just call me the fastest hoof in the West.

- Witchiepoo, Witchiepoo, get up, get up.

Ooh, wake up, get up I say, get up!

- What happened?

Where's the fire, where is everybody?

- They're making a movie, a movie!

- I can't hear a word you're saying.

Speak up, speak up!

- They're making a movie!

- Oh you overgrown duck!

You almost busted my eardrums.

- But you said speak up.

- I heard you, you ding-a-ling.

You said they were making a movie.

Ah, a movie?

Oh dear, and without me?

How dare they?

The island's greatest living actress.

How dare they, oh!

Next time, open the door for a lady!

- All right, quiet.

We shoot big musical number.

Places, please.

Stop the makeup, enough, enough.

We are all ready on the set.

- Mr. Director, you haven't asked me if I'm ready yet.

Excuse me, Pierpoint.

Are you ready?

- No, I'm not ready yet.

I want a drink of water.

- Well, go get it.

- A star does not get his own water.

I want that funny-looking lion over there to get it.

- What, me bring you a glass of water?

- You, Lion, bring him the water.

You're holding up production.

- Why, I'll clobber him, I'll sock it to him.

- Now Ludicrous, remember, it's for our anti-witch fund.

- That's right. - Okay, okay.

I'll do it for the fund,

but when I get that nag home, mm, pow!

- Hurry, we have a picture to make.

I have to make him a star.

- Here.

- Thanks, my good man.

No autographs, please.

Well, I'm ready now, Mac.

- Mac?

The name is Toadenoff!

All right, everyone, quiet, quiet!

Ready on the set, places everyone!

Action!

♪ Oh I may not look it, but I'm the best ♪

♪ The fastest hoof in the whole darn West ♪

♪ I got no lasso, or a gun to twirl ♪

♪ Still I'm the horse that always gets the girl ♪

♪ Yodel-Odel-Lay-Hee, oh-ho-ho-ho-ho ♪

- Good, great, print!

- It's Toadenoff the Great!

What luck, he'd be perfect to direct my movie.

Your movie?

What movie is that?

- This movie, you newt-nose.

It's the story of my life.

I finished writing it last night.

What a fabulous picture it would make.

It'd be outta sight, real gone.

- Yeah, you could call it "Gone with the Witch."

Will you shut up, you dummy?

If that's not the most, "Gone with the Witch."

That's it, great, that's the title.

Seymour, you did it again, shake!

- Right chiefy, grab a hand.

- But Witchiepoo, Toadenoff is all tied up.

How can he do your movie

when he's making one for the good guys?

- I'll soon fix that.

Hanny, zanny, and triply whammy,

evil spirits do take off.

Bring me the camera, and Toadenoff!

Now, move the camera.

- Where's Toadenoff?

Wait, what, where?

What happened, where am I?

- It's so nice of you to drop in, Toady.

It just so happens I have a screen story here

I want you to make.

- What story, who are you?

How did I get here?

- I brought you here.

You're going to film my life story, "Gone with the Witch."

- "Gone with the," wait a minute, you're the witch.

- I ain't Mary Poppins.

My dear man, you happen to be looking

at the greatest acting talent you will ever direct.

- I don't understand.

How did I get here?

What happened to Horse, and Shirlee?

- Forget those amateurs.

You got me, and I got you, haven't I, my pet?

- But how?

- I'll show you how!

Place your camera there, your lights there,

and a star is born.

- Oh my goodness, what happened?

- Where's Toadenoff? - Where's our director?

- Where's my director? - Where's my director?

- Camera's gone too, and all the lights.

- I knew he was a phony the moment I laid eyes on him.

Disappearing without a word.

- Disappearing, that's it!

The witch must've cast a spell.

- You're right, Jimmy.

I bet she stole our director to make her own movie.

- Toadenoff, my director, gone.

- Your director?

He's my director, mine, do you hear?

- There's no time for arguing, Toadenoff's in trouble.

We've gotta do something.

- Okay, partners.

We'll saddle up and form a posse.

Follow me, men.

- Wait a minute, Horse.

This isn't a movie.

This is real life, and dangerous.

- Dangerous?

Okay men, follow him.

- Come on, Puf, do your thing, let's go!

- Hurry fellas, hurry, we have to save him.

- Some hero you are, letting them rescue Toadenoff.

You're not a hero, you're a coward.

- Oh yeah?

Them's fighting words.

I'll show ya.

Follow me, ma'am.

We'll round up them varmints.

They want thattaway, charge!

- Toadenoff is ready.

What scene are you doing?

- The most romantic scene out of my life.

It's going to tear you apart.

- All right, do it already.

You two schlemiels, step back.

Quiet on the set, camera ready.

Lights, action!

- You ask me to help you, ha!

That's a laugh.

You, you threw me out into the cold, cold graveyard.

And told me to go home to myself.

You, who threw me out into the underworld,

without a wand to witch with.

- Good, marvelous, great!

Ugh, terrible.

I think I will kill myself.

- Who did I have to turn to?

No one.

- Good, cut, print it.

- Cut, no one tells me to cut!

How'd you like to get zapped?

Darling my cheese blinchiki,

who said cut?

I said cute, cute!

Go on, my little goulash.

Act, act!

- We'll have to sneak in this back door to the castle.

It's our only chance to rescue Toadenoff.

- Okay.

Help me with this door, it's heavy.

- Okay, I sure will.

There, got it, good.

- Yahoo, here I come!

Pierpont Pony to the rescue.

Follow me, men.

- Horsey, wait!

- He's gonna ruin our plan.

- Come on, after him!

- Where could I go?

Where could I go?

- Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.

I'll tell you where you're going, ma'am.

Right to the clink.

I'mma taking you in.

- Who are you, you boob?

How dare you interrupt our filming of "Gone with the Witch?"

- Pierpont Pony, wait a minute!

Toadenoff has got a sensational idea.

We make new picture, "Horse Gets Witch."

- There'll be no horses in my picture.

I'm going to zap him into little pieces.

- Hold it, witch!

- You can't zap that horse.

As mayor, I'll report you to the animal shelter.

Stand back!

Stand back, I say!

Now, I've got the whole gang,

I'm going to zap you all.

I'm going to pulverize you!

- Hold it, hold it!

Witch, I love you when you're so angry.

Such fire, such sparks!

Quick, don't lose the mood, let's shoot it.

- Oh, really, you like that?

Was I good?

Sensational!

I must get it on film.

But no props, put the wand down.

Nothing but pure emotion.

Hurry, while you're still in the mood.

The wand, get it.

Action.

Camera!

- Stand back, all of you, do you hear?

Or I shall zap you.

I will not tolerate any nonsense

from goody two-shoes such as you.

I am the witch, and you're trash, trash, lowly trash.

- Oh, Witchiepoo, look!

- Stop, how dare you!

My wand, he swallowed my wand!

- Golly willikers.

- It was all a trick.

Orson, Seymour, bring my other wand, hurry!

- Quick, everyone, let's get out of here!

- We'll never make it!

- Horse, zap her.

Whoever has the wand has the power.

- Even if it's in my stomach?

- Give me back my wand!

- Horse, it's our only chance, zap her, zap her!

- Stand back, or I'll zap you.

- You wouldn't dare!

Freeze!

- Horse, you zapped her, you did it!

- Golly, Horse.

You got the witch's power.

- Witchiepoo, we couldn't find your other wand.

- Too late, partners.

You're a-heading for that big spiderweb in the sky.

Zap.

Zap.

They're zapped.

- Toadenoff, did you get all this on camera?

- What for?

A corny trick like that, who'd believe it?

- Roll them cameras, partner.

This is Pierpont Pony, your star, talking.

Zap!

- Hey, we're rolling, we're rolling!

Ready, action, camera!

- Now Horse, enough of this play acting.

- Right, we've gotta get out of here!

- Nothin' doin'.

I'm the first witch horse in history.

Keep those cameras rolling.

Pierpont Pony rides again, yahoo!

- Come on, let's get outta here.

Whoa!

Run for it, Jimmy!

♪ You got someone who loves you ♪

♪ You got someone who cares ♪

♪ And you got someone who'll fix you up ♪

♪ If ever you need repairs ♪

♪ You got someone who'll take the time ♪

♪ To listen to your prayers ♪

♪ I got, you got, everybody do got ♪

♪ Someone who cares ♪

♪ By the name of H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Where to go when things get rough ♪

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ He can't do a little 'cause he can't do enough ♪

♪ Woo, I got, you got, everybody do got ♪

♪ Someone who cares ♪

♪ By the name of H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Where to go when things get rough ♪

♪ H.R. Pufnstuf ♪

♪ Well, he can't do a little 'cause he can't do enough ♪

See you next week!

- Keep those cards and letters coming.