Original subtitles

SEAN: In Ireland, nothing is more

celebrated than the ability to banish snakes.

This is probably due to that dark period in Irish history

when we had that big snake problem.

Probably.

But as the rest of Boyle readied itself for the St Patrick's Day parade,

the Moone house was instead being lashed by the serpent's tongue of a nervous,

heavily pregnant teenage bride.

I said rashers, what's this sausage bullshit?

You just had rashers, love...

[MIMICKING] You just had rashers, love.

You did kind of sound like that.

Okay, more rashers it is.

Can I have some rashers?

You're doing a very important job there, Sinead,

you don't have time to be eating.

What am I doing again?

You're monitoring the temperature of the curling iron.

Ow! For fu...

Get ready, Deb.

Where's Martin?

This hairspray hasn't been tested on animals yet.

He's outside with his girlfriend.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah? Martin's going out with a traveller,

Fidelma's marrying a holy Joe, so things are going great.

How come you have time to talk when I have no rashers in front of me?

I'm sorry.

How come I'm on burning duty and Trisha gets off scot-free?

Trisha had her fair share of injuries when she was making Delma's dress.

It's a little bit plain, no?

This is what brides are wearing now.

You don't want a meringue in your condition.

I'd love a meringue right now.

Yeah, more food is what you need. Seriously, Del, you're already huge.

A fussy dress with frills and bows would make you look like a barge.

You're just too massive to... Ow!

Your foot's on my hand!

Ooh, sorry!

Ah! Now both your feet are on my hand!

[LAUGHING]

SEAN: As chaos reigned in the Moone house, Martin made plans with Majella,

his new lady friend. Or at least, he tried to.

So this is a timetable for when you want us to hang out?

What can I say? Love to plan. Always have.

So, tomorrow at 11:30,

I have us down for some hand-holding before Geography?

Tomorrow? I don't know if we'll still be here tomorrow.

You're a tough lady to pin down, Majella.

How about you come to the wedding reception tonight, then?

Tonight? Maybe I'll be dead by then.

DEBRA: Martin!

Look, let's just try to keep things loose and carefree for now, yeah?

Okay. That's...cool.

Martin, wait.

Your laces are undone.

I won't be tied by petty conventions, Majella.

Did someone call me or is the banshee back?

We're up against it here, Martin.

Can you get your breakfast down and be ready to go in 10?

No problemo. I'm versatile.

Is that a surplus bowl of Cocoa Puffs?

Someone seems to think Cocoa Puffs and Readybix are the same thing!

- Oh, Jesus. - Jesus.

Oh, Martin, before you eat will you go and grab Delma's dress?

I'm happy-go-lucky, right, Sean?

Hey, you're the happiest and the go-luckiest, buddy.

Don't worry about Majella, you know what women are like.

Do I!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Do I?

Well, I don't, so, probably not.

[SIGHING] Maybe she's right.

Maybe I'm just too flippin' responsible.

Stupid bloody laces, they'll be the death of me.

They will now.

Oh, balls!

I felt like I almost saw it coming.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Dancing at the disco, bumper to bumper

Wait a minute, where's me jumper?

Where's me jumper, where's me jumper?

Where's me jumper, where's me jumper? Oh, no

SEAN: In a break with tradition, and rational thinking,

Dessie had given the job of best man to his priest.

Looking tense, Father. How's the speech?

All good. Still working on it.

I'm sure you're going to kill it.

- Got any good jokes? - Oh, yes.

I'm doing this whole bit on Dessie about

the way he always shows up for Mass quite early.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

And...

That's it, really.

Right.

Do you know any good jokes, Padraic?

Well, let me put it this way, Father.

They don't call me the joker just because I look like Jack Nicholson.

Is it...because you sometimes wear makeup?

It's because I know a lot of good jokes.

Oh, right.

Sorry.

Right, well...

You're on your own now, pal. [CHUCKLES]

Come on, buddy. We can handle this.

But I'm sleepy.

You can get wine stains out with salt,

so what can you get chocolate milk stains out with?

Pepper?

That's my boy.

SEAN: Using this laundry logic, Martin laboured to remove the Cocoa Puffs

with pepper, remove the pepper with honey,

and remove the honey with self-raising flour.

What do we use to remove the flour again?

Erm, Toilet Drake.

Oh yeah, that's right.

I don't get it, it doesn't seem to be any cleaner.

Maybe if we put it in the washing machine?

Mmm, I don't know, that fabric seems a little too delicate for a machine.

Yeah, we don't want to take any risks at this stage.

No, we don't. We're like one step away from it being totally clean again.

What should we use to remove the Toilet Drake?

Petrol!

You're a genius.

This is the biggest day of my life and I wanted you there as a part of it.

And now it's not going to happen.

No, it's fine. Yeah, I'll see you on the road.

[SIGHS]

Lookin' sharp, Desmo.

Daniel? Daniel!

Daniel, just the man!

Hey, you can read music, can't you?

Oh, like a gypsy can read palms.

Oh, great! I had this whole matrimonial setlist planned,

and I'm after losing my guitarist to shingles.

- Oh, the poor fella! - No, er,

Shingles are a skiffle band from Ruski.

Listen, don't you worry about it, Dessie.

I'll grab my Spanish guitar,

and we'll be as tight as the Gipsy Kings in no time.

So, all of our petrol is on there?

It's just that... Well, the petrol looks like it's helping the flour soak

into the dress, which isn't ideal.

Unless you want to make a cake. Is that how you make wedding cake?

All we need now is icing.

All right, just before you do that, why don't we just check the label

to make sure that it's not machine washable.

Why are these things so small?

Do you have your magnifying glass?

Always.

That's my boy.

"This is a Trisha Moone creation. X-X-X-L.

"Please call for normal human sizes."

There's something about the situation,

maybe it's just the petrol fumes, but I feel uneasy.

Don't worry, Sean, I'm a man of science.

- [FLAMES WHOOSH] - Oh!

Oh, balls!

Oh, God!

All right, stay calm. What removes fire?

What the hell...are ya...

[WHISPERS] Blame it on your dad.

Look what Dad's done!

But Mam, I was cleaning it!

If you'd just let the fire burn away the Toilet Drake...

Martin, shut it! I can't even look at you right now!

- [DOORBELL RINGS] - Apologise to your sister!

I'm really sorry, Delma.

She meant me, I'm the one who feckin' made it!

[CRYING LOUDLY]

You having a clothes burning party or you after some help?

Not unless you have a spare wedding dress.

[WAILING] For a plus-size bride!

Actually I was a bit more pregnant than you when I got wedded.

We might have to take it in.

Te amo. Te amo mucho.

Eres mi vida. La vida loca.

[CONTINUES IN SPANISH]

I had a very specific musical vision for this Mass.

Dessie, all that matters is that in a matter of minutes,

your beautiful, elegant bride will walk down that aisle.

And her simplicity and grace will make the music disappear.

You're the best best man/priest ever.

She's here! She's here!

[SINGING HERE COMES THE BRIDEIN SPANISH]

She's beautiful.

Wouldn't like to carry her over the threshold, though.

Good luck with that.

Sorry!

Got him all right in the end.

Thank you, Dad.

Let go, Dad.

Okay, yeah, letting go.

Letting go now.

God, it's really hard.

It's okay, love, we'll always have Trisha at home.

Hey, I'm standing right here.

Just keeping it real, Trish.

Welcome, ev...

Welcome, everyone.

On this glorious St Patrick's Day,

to the wedding of Fidelma Denise Moone and Desmond Joseph Mary Dolan.

Now, I'm in the unusual situation of being both celebrant and best man.

When did that happen?

So let's hope I don't forget either the Bible or the ring.

[STIFLES LAUGH]

Don't laugh at that.

[MOUTHING]

Oh!

Don't worry, I've got better ones.

[WAILING IN PAIN] Oh!

Uh-oh. Either Fidelma's overdone it on the rashers or that girl is in labour.

Quick, what gets babies out?

[WAILING LOUDLY]

We welcome Fidelma and Desmond here on their wedding day,

on what will probably be the most beautiful day of their lives.

[WAILING LOUDLY]

That was a big one.

Are you sure you're all right, Delma?

I'm fine. I'm fine. It's passed.

Super. Hey, keep going there, Father.

"The Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone,

"'I will make a helper suitable for him.'"

[WAILING LOUDLY]

[RINGING BELLS]

You're early with the bells, Padraic.

Sorry, I was just trying to drown out the wails.

This is a pretty rock 'n' roll wedding, huh?

Actually, it's pretty normal for us.

Really?

It's a bit more quiet than most of ours, actually.

[SNORING]

You're some woman, Delma.

Even as you're splashing around there in your baby water,

you still put Catholicism first.

I just don't think I can stand up now.

That's the spirit! Only three more readings, a couple of psalms,

and we're halfway to Communion time.

[WAILING]

We should probably go, love. I think the baby's coming.

No, we want it born in wedlock, don't we, Dessie?

Listen, we don't have to do this, Delma.

Let's get you to the hospital.

Are you sure?

I know it's important to you.

You're important to me.

And we can just bring Father Linehan with us,

he can marry us as the baby's coming out!

Now that's funny!

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

Come on, come on!

- Come on! - [ENGINE CONTINUES SPUTTERING]

It would be a gas if the baby went in and came out

in the back seat of this car.

- Dessie! - For the love of...

"God is love and whoever abides in love abides in God."

Seriously!

No petrol?

Don't worry, folks. I always come prepared.

[PRIEST CONTINUES READING]

I just filled this yesterday...

Oh, that reminds me, we should replace that Toilet Drake.

We'll be there in no time, lads.

As long as Seamus here don't need to piss.

On the plus side, this really ties the whole look together.

[WAILING]

Right, where were we?

"May the Lord be with you.

"Let us bow our heads and pray."

How are you, lads?

Are you well?

Apart from the obvious.

- Hi, thanks for coming. - Thanks for coming, yeah.

Best Mass ever, huh?

Definitely top five.

Now, watch yourselves today, girls.

I've been a bridesmaid at enough receptions to know how lads get.

What do you mean?

Bridesmaids are like a walking bullseye to a horny lad.

Vol-au-vents! This way for vol-au-vents!

Told you, lads. Vol-au-vents!

Hello!

Cheers, misses.

Thanks for coming.

Now, if anyone asks, I'm a bridesmaid, too, yeah?

Yeah?

[DOG BARKS]

Thanks for coming.

Good to see ya! Enjoy yourselves!

Vol-au-vents! Ooh-la-la!

What's the drink situation here, Martin?

Vis-a-vis?

Did your father mention anything about a free bar?

- Is there usually a free bar? - Yep.

- Almost every time. - Standard.

Well, this kid ain't cheap. Of course there's a free bar!

Barkeep! All drinks on Liam Moone!

[PATRONS CHEERING]

Uncle Daniel, music!

[PLAYING IRISH JIG]

Is this enough cowbell, Martin?

You're doing great, Delma.

Shut your stupid face!

Lads, look!

We're in the parade!

John-Joe! Turn around, we're going the back way.

I would if I could but I can't. It's a one-way system, sir.

[HORN HONKING]

MAN: Hey, Liam!

Ho! Hey!

Aw, this is the best day ever, Martin!

I never wanna go back to our boring, traveller-free lives again.

- Me neither! - What?

It's gonna be so great when I join you full-time.

I still can't believe we're actually running away with the travellers.

Martin, we're not a circus.

No, no, of course you're not.

Hide the beer!

I've got a progress report from the cart here, lads.

"Fidelma and Dessie are doing great!"

ALL: Hooray!

Who are Fidelma and Dessie?

"P.S. I'd do you."

Lovely float there from Feeley's Fish Factory.

You can smell that from all the way down the street, huh?

Padraic, stop that! They're not sweets.

Now! The next float.

They're not actually on the list here, but I see Liam Moone is there,

so it must be for Moone Signage,

wishing us all a happy St Patrick's Day.

Lovely.

I see Father Linehan is there as well.

You're everywhere, Bishop, you're everywhere. [LAUGHS]

I'm in the parade! Woo-hoo!

Bit of a religious theme going on there,

it's very... Very striking, yes.

"And now, Fidelma and Desmond will come forward to the altar

"to light a wedding candle to symbolise their everlasting union."

Sorry, Father. I don't have any matches.

Hey! Psst.

Cheers, John-Joe.

Anyway, that's it, that's Moone's Signage, for all your signage needs.

Although, ironically, there's no actual signage included there...

[CHUCKLING] That's us for ya.

When you're in your late 30s, you're gonna get a really bad head cold.

But it'll be gone in a couple of days.

That is splendidly specific.

I'd look out for that one, Jelly.

When you're 47, you're going to try a new type of breakfast cereal.

- Mmm! - Which you won't like.

Oh...

But you'll finish the box anyway.

But just won't buy it again.

You're like a cereal soothsayer. Am I right?

You don't know how to read palms.

I'm a quick learner, Majella.

Just one of the many talents I'll bring to the tribe.

We're not a tribe.

When you're 63, you're gonna get lost in a maze.

Oh, scary but amazing!

Mmm, he's so gorgeous.

In a ruggedy, wild stallion kind of way.

I tell you, Trish, if you want to catch a wild stallion,

all you gotta do is confuse it. Watch.

Jim!

Look where we are, under the shamrock!

Isn't that a mistletoe thing?

Nah!

Shamrock! Got it!

Hey, confused enough to shift me?

[WAILING LOUDLY]

Half a mile to go, hang in there, pet.

"And now, the best man/priest will bring forward the wedding rings

"so that they may be blessed."

[WAILING]

I've got them. Don't worry.

Quite a lot of pockets in these robes.

It's a good thing he's funny, huh?

Oh, Gypsy Rose

Oh, Gypsy Rose

Where are you now?

Where are you now?

I still love you

I still love you

Oh, Gypsy Rose

Oh, Gypsy Rose

Oh, Gypsy Rose

Oh, Gypsy Rose

Where are you now?

Where are you now?

[SCREAMING LOUDLY]

You're doing great, you're doing great! I'm so proud of you, come on!

It's almost out. Keep going!

- It's okay. It's okay. - You're nearly there.

Good girl, come on.

Can you see it, Dessie?

Everything's looking good down there.

Lovely stuff. Fantastic.

I found them! I found the rings!

Oh, sweet merciful Jesus.

The head's almost out now! You're nearly there, love. Good girl!

[BABY CRYING]

A rose has bloomed.

Rose. Where'd you get that from?

I don't know. It just came to me.

For all you know For all you know

I still love you I still love you

Gypsy Rose Oh, Gypsy Rose

SEAN: Gypsy Rose!

- Oh, Gypsy Rose - Oh, Gypsy Rose!

Oh, Gypsy Rose

SEAN: The next day, the happily unmarried couple returned home

with their delicate little lady flower.

Just what this family needs, another bloody woman.

Oh, my God, she's so gorgeous.

- I know. - The doctor said we can try again soon.

There's a sausage sandwich inside with your name on it, Delma.

Aw, thanks, Dad. You mean rashers, right?

Yeah.

Dad, phone call for you inside. Something about a bar bill in town.

- Where's Trisha? - I thought she was with you.

SEAN: But as the Moones greeted a new arrival,

Martin discovered a sad departure.

They're gone.

Vanished without a trace.

Like they were never even here.

Well, at least we treated them to a free going away party before they left.

And hey, look, buddy.

MAJELLA: Dear Martin, sorry I had to go without saying goodbye.

But that's just the traveller way, I don't know why.

I left you a present to remember me by.

Farewell, my favourite stationary guy.

Majella. P.S. I don't know why this note rhymes.

How did she know I loved stones?

No, I don't think that's your present, I think that's your present.

[DONKEY BRAYS]

MARTIN: I can't believe Majella's gone forever.

She's probably in India or somewhere.

Travelling around...

SEAN: Actually, I think they said they were going to Leitrim.

Leitrim?

[EXHALES] Now that's living.

LIAM: Martin!

- Oh, balls. - Oh, balls.

[BLACK BEAUTY THEME PLAYING]

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