Original subtitles

SEAN: They say technology is a simpleton's tipple of choice.

And Martin Moone was about to get tech-tipsy for the first time.

MAN ON TV: A machine

to journey into the Mega World,

now.

The most advanced video game system in the universe.

Mega Drive.

That is the single greatest thing my little eyes have ever witnessed.

You're always saying that.

That is the single greatest thing my little eyes have ever witnessed.

Spanner.

Imagine what it could do if we didn't live in a bungalow.

[SIGHS]

I meant it then, and I mean it now.

I gotta get me one of those magic machines.

- Good morning, my darling mother! - Not a chance.

- Hey there, handsome man. - How much is it?

Can you put a price on the happiness of your only son?

�4? Is it more than 4?

Dad, everyone's gonna get one.

That's what they said about hovercrafts.

And star pants.

And where are they now?

Mark my words, Martin. This whole computer thing is just a fad.

- Star pants? - Look, when I was young,

I was happy to play with a wheel and a stick.

That was only exciting because they'd just invented the wheel.

For the record, I would never ridicule your silly old stories.

Look, Martin. We just can't afford any new spangled stuff at the moment.

Things are a bit slow at work, and...

Ah, Jesus! Now me scrambled eggs are burnt.

- I told you to use the microwave. - Microwaves!

Mega Drives!

Who are we, the Moones, or the bloody Jetsons?

- [SNICKERS] - [CHUCKLES]

Now, that is the single greatest thing your little eyes have ever witnessed.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Dancing at the disco, bumper to bumper

Wait a minute, where's me jumper?

Where's me jumper, where's me jumper?

Where's me jumper, where's me jumper? Oh, no

Oh, balls!

How many times. You can't beat an imaginary conker, buddy.

We'll see about that!

- Ow! - Spanner.

Oh, conkers. The poor man's Disney World.

I wonder if the Sega Mega Drive has a conkers game.

Well, if it doesn't, you can just hit yourself with the controllers.

- Hey, what's that? - Where?

[CONKER HITS MARTIN]

- Oh, fuck! - Oh, I see what you've done.

That's a very fancy car for Boyle.

SEAN: Oh, yeah.

Rich fucking golf clubbers.

More cashmere and mahogany up there than you can shake a silver stick at.

Rich, you say?

Richer than B. A. Baracus' brandy butter.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- Do you know how this works? - Not a clue.

- Twenty-nine, thirty... - What the hell are you doing?

We're taking turns sitting on each other to see who will pass out first.

- Thirty-two... - Is this how you want to spend

your sunny Saturdays?

Sitting on each other?

Why aren't you outside, playing hide-and-seek or something?

[SNICKERS] Hide-and-seek?

- [SNICKERS] I'm 16, Dad. - [DOOR BELL RINGS]

- Thirty-three... - I'll get it.

Thirty-four...

Debra O'Connor.

- [SIGHS] Hi, Kevin. - Oh!

I said O'Connor, didn't I? Which isn't right, is it?

That's your maiden name, isn't it?

- That's right, Kevin. - Well, that's how I know you best.

Is Liam in? Seems the old mortgage cheque bounced again.

- Really? That's funny. - Not funny ha-ha, though, is it?

No. Erm...

I think Liam said he was going out on a job, I'm afraid.

That's odd. His old battered car is here.

Maybe I should come in and have a little nosy around.

No, that's fine. Sure, I'll... I'll double-check.

- Forty-five... - Liam!

Don't think I can take another body, Debs!

The bank manager's outside!

- Ow! - Okay, don't panic.

It's the fourth time this year.

You see? This would've been a brilliant time to know a good hiding place.

Do you know what we're starting to call you down at the branch, Liam?

- Mr Moone? - The rubber bandit. Do you know why?

- Because my cheques... - We're calling you the rubber bandit

because your cheques keep bouncing, Liam.

[CHUCKLES]

[STUTTERS] I'll have it in to you tomorrow, Wednesday by the latest.

The very latest, Liam.

Marvellous. All right.

Tell Miss O'Connor I said

farewell.

[CHUCKLES]

I'll pass that on to Mrs Moone.

Mrs Liam Moone.

Oh, look at them men

with the toffee ears and the big silver spoons in their noses.

I can smell the fake fancy faux leather a mile off.

- That's money, Sean. - Oh, look at this fellow.

I bet it was pheasant for breakfast and peasants for dinner with that flute.

- He probably had a light lunch as well. - Here you go. Okay.

You're Michael J. Fox in the Secret of my Success.

Can I help you?

Good day, young man. I am here for the employment.

What was... Have you seen the film?

So, what previous employment have you had, Mr...

Jetson?

- Paint stirring... - Mmm.

Dish drying...

- Architect! - Architect, right.

- Architect. - And what do you see yourself doing

here?

- Bunker boy... - Yeah.

Golf stick maker...

- Brolly dolly. - Brolly dolly!

Tell you what.

You go get some lost balls, we'll give you a few quid for them.

Huh? How about that, huh?

Yeah.

We have ourselves a deal, sir.

Just sit down. Just sit down.

SEAN: Martin soon discovered the life of the working man

was far easier than he could've ever imagined.

Turns out the golf courses are a virtual magnet for golf balls.

I just know there's a golf ball here somewhere.

Yeah, keep digging, buddy. Follow your ball nose.

Hey, Padraic.

- Oh! - What are you doing here?

I thought golf was really expensive.

Oh, it is. But I have a special deal.

Oh, and what's that?

I just don't tell them I'm here.

[WHISPERS] Fore!

WOMAN: What the...

Back to the woods.

Where'd you get the cash from?

Oh, I'm a working man now, Dad.

Work?

- What kind of work? - Ball hunting, ball gathering...

- I'm a golf ball ball boy. - Golf! [CHUCKLES]

Sure, that's not a real sport.

Oh, here we go. Another bloody handball sermon.

It's the one true test of a man.

DEBRA: Do you keep that in your pocket? MARTIN: Handball.

But I thought that was just

- a foul. - Not a handball.

Handball.

What is it? Are we playing it now?

No, you play it in a concrete court. Like a thunderdome.

- Or a squash court. - Yeah.

Yeah, it's like squash, except without those pansy rackets.

It's kind of like

a bare-knuckle squash.

So, like squash

for travellers?

Exactly.

And I was the king of them all.

The year was 1967.

It was the summer of sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll and handball.

- But then a terrible... - They're gone, love.

They're gone.

I've warned you not to close your eyes when you're telling your stories.

Yeah.

Finally, our fun vegetable of the week is...

Oh, God.

- Cabbage, again? - Have we done cabbage?

- Yes, yes. - Well, it is a good one.

There's cabbage salad,

cabbage

- risotto. - Mmm-hmm.

Have fun with it. See what you can come up with.

- Right. Same time next week. - Wait, hang on a sec.

Actually, I've decided to increase the intensity

of the Weight Wishers schedule.

So, there's going to be another class on Wednesdays

- and Fridays. - Oh, that's so kind of you, Debra.

Erm, no, the classes aren't free.

Oh.

Thrice in a week?

Isn't that a bit excessive, Debra?

Well, so is your waistline, Gerry.

She works hard for the money so you better treat her right

MAN: Ball!

[LOUD CONK]

SEAN: Tweet, tweet, tweet.

Huzzah! Peasants for dinner.

- Oh, right in the feathers. - Martin?

God, I'm sorry about that.

Misjudged the yardage.

Are you all right?

No, I'm Martin Moone. I haven't seen "All right".

Ow. Was I just hit by lightning?

Dumb caddie gave me the wrong club.

That's it! You and me are done professionally.

Get outta here!

- Aw, Dad, please! - Go home, Peter. You're fired.

Listen, er...

Let's say we keep this to ourselves, eh?

Here's a few punts.

- Have a rest and buy some sweets. - No time for rest.

- I'm a working man. - Oh, it's work you want, is it?

Well, I know of a caddie's position that's just opened up.

- If you're interested. - I was born to be interested.

Well, I'm glad that's settled, then.

Are you all right there, young stripling?

You took quite the clatter on the cranium.

Yeah, I'm all right, Sean.

Splendid. To the tee.

Ah, it's the rubber bandit.

Here to collect my new employee, Liam?

Great work today, Marty.

Good to see one of the Moones is making some money, huh, Liam?

- A nice few shillings. - Martin, come here.

Your tea's ready. Here.

Would you fancy a game yourself sometime, Liam?

- Of golf? - Sorry.

Do you not know how to play?

I suppose it is a bit more complicated than handball.

Golf is barely even a sport.

I could play it in my sleep. I'd be dressed the right way, too.

- In my pyjamas. - Very good.

Shall we say Wednesday?

We shall.

- Wednesday! - Wednesday!

- Wednesday morning. - Wednesday morning.

Can't do Wednesday morning, Wednesday afternoon.

- This Wednesday afternoon. - Wednesday week!

This Wednesday week.

Wednesday, the 16th.

- In the afternoon. - Yes, sir!

- That Kevin's a lovely man, isn't he? - Lovely?

Are you joking?

I'll tell you a little story about Kevin "The Leech" Leech.

The year was 1967.

It was the summer of sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll and handball.

I was the finest player in all of Boyle.

Leech was the second finest.

We were rivals.

In more ways than one.

- Yeah! - That's some fine handballing, lads.

Debra soon fell for my handy charms.

And when Leech saw us together, he flew into a jealous rage.

I challenge you to a duel!

A handball duel!

Duel accepted.

Handball duel! Handball duel!

- Strike! - Bullseye!

Your throw, Mr Leech.

But little did we know,

Leech had swapped the ball for a ball-shaped rock

that he'd spent three months carving from solid granite.

Why didn't I find a smaller rock?

[BONES BREAKING]

Argh!

- Liam! - I broke my hand in nine places,

and three of my nails.

- You're banned from handball. - Fine!

I'm gonna take up golf. [CHUCKLING]

And that was the end of my handballing career.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

So now, do you still think he's lovely?

Bloody eyes. Open them.

- Oh, hey, Gerry. - Liam-meister.

The Moone-natic. Come here.

- How are you? - Great.

My God, you smell good.

Wish I could say the same, Ger.

Yeah, it's an awful stench, isn't it?

The old cabbage carbonara's repeating on me.

So, listen, I was wondering if I could borrow your golf clubs.

I have a bit of a match coming up, and I can't really afford a set right now.

Yeah, well, you know, Liam, that I'd give them to you in a heartbeat but,

my sons melted them down.

- Melted them down? - To punish me.

I changed the channel while they were watching Airwolf.

Hold on a second, though.

They did tell me to go play with these old kiddie's clubs.

"Go on away and play with these fecking kiddie's clubs,

"you big fat baby," they said to me.

You know, sometimes I think they don't respect me, Li.

You know what, Gerry?

They're only kiddie clubs

when they're in kiddie hands.

Or if they're a standard kiddie size, Liam.

Let's see if the rubber bandit snaps under pressure.

- This bandit is gonna rub you out. - May golf be with you.

[FINGERS CRUNCHING]

[CHUCKLES] Forgot about that old handball injury.

Driver, please, Martin.

Wipe her face, old chump.

Thar she blows!

Storming the greens like Normandy.

Seriously?

That's your club?

Oh, how the mighty handballer has fallen.

Argh.

- Ah. - Call that a driver?

Looks more like a drunk driver.

[LAUGHING]

I don't even need clubs.

I could beat you by just throwing this stupid, little ball around.

- Oh, I would love to see that. - Good.

'Cause, you're going to see it.

Well, I believe it's still your shot.

That's not great, Linda. You've only lost a third of a pound.

- You only weighed me an hour ago. - It was longer than that.

Hang on, no, it wasn't. I feel like I just got off the scales

before you had me back on it again.

Is this a Weight Wishers class, or a fecking step aerobics class?

She's right. It's ridiculous.

Yeah, but there's no time to argue. Your next class starts in five minutes.

Ah, Deb!

- This cult is becoming very expensive. - This is not a cult.

This is a Weight Wishers class.

[IN MONOTONE] This is not a cult. It's a Weight Wishers class.

Better.

Good man, Liam.

PADRAIC: Whoo-hoo!

You a member here?

I'm his caddie.

- I'll take that for you, Liam. - Oh, thank you, Padraic.

Always glad to help.

Glove.

- What do you think, Martin? - You've got 120 to the hole,

but there's a squally wind blowing west.

So, I'd take a pitching wedge and hit it with a lion's heart.

[SPECTATORS MURMURING]

What do you think, Padraic?

Just throw it.

Yeah.

Yes!

Good man!

You're two shots behind, Leech. I'd be pretty embarrassed if I were you.

And not just 'cause of those trousers.

- It isn't over yet, Liam. - Isn't it? Kevin.

Go on, go on!

Ah!

My hand!

Oh! Did you trip over this ball-shaped rock, Liam?

- How ironic. - Leech!

- Actually, that is rather ironic. - What should we do?

- Pint? - Ah, yeah.

Let's call Gerry and all go for a nice pint.

From the look of it, we're doing more and more class.

But I don't feel like we're losing any weight.

Well, maybe if we didn't finish every class with tea and cakes.

Come on, lads.

You like your cake.

[IN MONOTONE] The cake means she loves us.

[MOBILE RINGING]

Jesus, I better really answer that, haven't I?

No one ever called me ever before.

Hello, Gerry Bonner.

What?

His hand? Liam's hurt.

No, no, no. You read my mind. Yeah.

Get me a Guinness.

[CRIES OUT IN PAIN]

SPECTATORS: Ohh!

- How is he doing? - Not well.

If Leech makes this shot,

it's all over.

Gwen! This is still class.

Ah! Miss O'Connor.

Nice of you to pop down to witness my triumph.

[CHUCKLES]

Club, please, Martin.

No, Martin. Don't be a brolly dolly.

Be a daddy caddie.

Bring the boy home safely, chump.

Martin, that is not the club I selected.

Why are you not following our protocol?

Oh! He's over-hit that one, the big eejit!

[ALL LAUGHING]

That was no accident!

That's it! You and me are done professionally!

We're gonna win this.

- He has to make this in one. - Come on, dad!

You're not gonna lose, are you?

I thought I married the finest handballer in all of Boyle.

That's it. Shift my mother.

Jesus!

It's up to you now, hand.

Loser.

- This is our chance. Let's escape. - Where?

Follow me, chubby club.

Forty-three, forty-four, forty-five, forty-six...

I think he's actually passed out.

Does that mean he's won?

- Why didn't you put money on it?

'Cause it's not about money, Debra.

You could've bet the mortgage payment or something.

No, you just don't get it. It's about pride.

I beat him. I beat "The Leech." I'm better than him.

[DOOR BELL RINGS]

KEVIN: Liam, you still owe us that mortgage payment.

Oh, Jesus.

Hide, hide, everyone! Hide, hide! Quickly!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

The curtains.

- Ahh. - You all right there, buddy?

Yeah, Sean, I think so.

Have you got enough money for that computer thing yet?

What are computers?

Oh, balls.

Liam, I think he can see us.

Yeah, I know.

That is the single greatest thing my little eyes have ever witnessed.

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