Original subtitles

SEAN: It was the summer of 1990

and Martin and Padriac had decided to build a river raft.

It was their most exciting construction project yet.

A bold, brilliant idea.

Although neither of them could remember what had actually inspired it.

"We said there warn't no home like a raft, after all.

"Other places do seem so cramped up and smotherly, but a raft don't.

"You feel mighty free and easy and comfortable on a raft."

- Raft. - Smotherly butter.

SEAN: Their plan was simple.

As simple as two young simpletons.

MARTIN: We'll sail into town on a roasting hot day.

And eat ice creams. And all of our friends can go swimming off it.

Yeah. We'll be the most popular lads in town.

Two virile young fellas, rocking the waves.

Like Wham!

Jitterbug...

SEAN: But following some construction setbacks,

including Padriac's biscuit-based strike,

it was nearly November by the time the raft was finished.

So our silly little seaman made a new plan.

We'll turn it into a Halloween ghost ship. A ghost raft!

And sail into town, and freak everyone out.

Yeah, we'll be the most popular lads in town. Like Erasure.

No, Padriac. We'll be the scariest, most frightening,

terrifying lads in town.

Who are also loved by everyone.

Like the Culture Club.

So when we throw Padriac overboard, how do we make it look like an accident?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Dancing at the disco, bumper to bumper

Wait a minute, where's me jumper?

Where's me jumper, where's me jumper?

Where's me jumper, where's me jumper? Oh, no

And on this Sunday, the eve of All Hallows,

I'd like to extend a very special hello

and welcome back to Father Roche

from his missionary work in the depths of the Amazon.

Sounds like he had an absolutely lovely time.

And the rumours about him "going native"

are grossly exaggerated.

[CHUCKLES]

No, really, they are, so let's put a stop to that gossip now.

Now let's have a reading from St Paul.

FIDELMA: "A reading from the letter of St Paul to the Colossians.

"Brothers and sisters,

"Put on, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved..."

I'm not sure about your choice of reader, Father.

Fidelma? Oh, she's one of the best readers in our school.

Lovely diction. Always puts the pauses in the right places.

"Pregnant" pauses, are they?

[CONTINUES READING]

[STAMMERS] I suppose they might be a bit pregnant, yes.

But listen to her. She makes those Colossians come alive.

I don't think being a pregnant, unmarried teenager

has any effect on the quality of her reading.

"This is the..." Ooh! Jesus.

Sorry. He gave a little kick.

It was like, end of...the Bible?

- Thanks be to God. - CONGREGATION: Thanks be to God.

FATHER LINEHAN: Thank you. See you, now. Thank you, thank you.

Oh, Fidelma, lovely, lovely, lovely reading.

I wonder, could I have a quick word?

It'll have to be quick, Father.

I haven't had a wee in nine minutes.

It's... It's a little bit of a delicate matter, you could say, but...

Ah, looking good, buddy.

[IN ITALIAN ACCENT] We're going to be the best plumbers in all of Boyle!

We're not plumbers, we're the Ghostbusters.

What? No, I thought we were the Super Mario Brothers.

Don't I look like I could bust a ghost?

Uh, you look like you could bust a clogged drain. Wait, wait.

If I'm not a Mario brother, why does this keep happening?

[ELECTRONIC BOING]

- Oh, that's an imaginary friend fart. - Ah.

DEBRA: What are you doing out there, Martin?

[ELECTRONIC BOING]

Um, going trick or treating.

- [ELECTRONIC BOING] - It's 1:00 p.m.

Gotta start early to get the best sweets.

Aren't you a bit too old for trick or treating?

Ah, Trisha, let Martin cling on to his childhood if he wants.

Soon enough, he'll be stalking some dead-end job where his only treat

is a bit of peace and quiet

and his whole life will be like some sad, bad trick.

Uh, that's if the astronaut thing doesn't work out, pal.

Or the jockey thing.

- I thought you were afraid of horses. - Not afraid, Trisha, allergic.

Are you going trick or treating tonight?

- No. - You're usually mad for sweets.

Shut up talking about sweets. You're all obsessed!

Uh. She's chirpy.

- I think some bitch at school... - Trisha, language.

Some girl in Sinead's class has been teasing her about being a little bit...

- fat. - Bitch.

That's what I was saying.

- We should talk to her. - Sinead isn't fat.

- I know. - I mean, she might be a little bit plump

but that's just puppy fat. I mean, she's kind of like a little plump dog.

Maybe I'll talk to her alone.

- Hi, Moones! - Ah, look at this little face.

Are you some sort of bear, Padriac?

- A beaver, Mrs M. - Beaver?

The bear's the river.

Not that there's any reason to mention a river.

But bears go into rivers.

Aren't bears the bears of the river?

Ah! Trisha, always with the jokes.

Ah, you're a gas when we're all altogether.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] We should go.

Time to set sail on the ghost raft.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Sometimes we call trick or treating

"setting sail on the ghost raft" 'cause it's so exciting.

Well, that's not confusing at all.

Ah! There she goes again.

The Irish Jim Davidson, you are.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

If you're here to talk about sweets, chips, or some nonsense,

I don't care, I'm not interested.

Unless you have a Cornetto. Do you have a Cornetto?

- No. - Then what do you want?

Are you feeling a little self-conscious about your body fat?

Huh! No, I look amazing.

Hmm. It's just that Trisha said that...

Ruth Connelly told Isa O'Rourke that I stole her lunch.

Isa O'Rourke said that I could do with skipping a meal every now and then.

- That's just mean. Why would... - I did steal her lunch.

Why did you steal her lunch?

Because I was hungry. Because I'm always hungry.

- Because I'm a big fat whale. - [KNOCKING ON DOOR]

I'm slippin' out to the shops. Does anyone fancy a Cornetto?

This way, Padriac.

I'm the Undertaker wrestler.

Undertaker and a plumber. Like a low-rent Village People.

- [SIGHS] - What's with the bottle?

It's embalming fluid.

- For embalming. - Oh, yeah.

Padraic really pays attention to detail.

I'll see you down there.

Coffin boffin and a gutter nutter.

The werewolves must be shitting themselves.

[HORN SCREECHING]

This is gonna be so great. Everyone's gonna be so freaked out

when we sail into town on a ghost raft.

Yeah, big time.

Although, call me crazy,

aren't ghost rafts supposed to have nobody on them?

Isn't... Isn't that what a ghost ship is?

Well, imagine how freaky it'll be when people see us on it.

- Yeah. - All aboard, Martin.

Freaky and confused.

Keep them guessing!

It isn't sinking. We actually built a raft.

We're the bears of the river!

[SUNG TO 'O SOLE MIO] Just one Cornetto

SEAN: Oh, yeah.

- Give it to me - Lovely voice.

So what was Father Linehan chatting to you about earlier?

Nothing really. Just said he doesn't want me to read at Mass any more.

- Really? - Said he was worried all the reading

- might hurt the baby. - Wow! Like that makes sense. [SNIGGERS]

Priests really know their stuff.

But when you were pregnant, you said washing the dishes might hurt the baby.

- Yeah, because of the... - "Soapy sores", I think you said.

- Mmm. That's right. - Anyway, I don't care.

One less thing to worry about, if you ask me.

That's weird, isn't it? I mean, she's the best reader in Boyle.

Oh, hands down. Especially since that nun died.

So they don't want her to read just because she's...

Up the pole.

With child, was what I was going to say, Trisha.

I suppose they just don't want an unmarried teenage reader

- who is, you know... - Got a trout in the well.

- Trisha! - What? What are you barking at me for?

- She's the one who's... - Stop right there.

- Go on, let me do one more. - No.

"Soapy sores", Mam.

Last one.

She's the one who's shitting for two. Hmm!

- That's was worth the wait I think. - It was, actually.

This is the life.

All the excitement of the sea but with the dependable assurance of the river.

I haven't felt this relaxed since I broke Pretty Pete Dixon's collarbone

in the Salford Smackdown of '82.

Maybe we should sing a sea shanty.

We should totally sing a sea shanty.

- I love shandy! - All right, Crunchie. All right.

Wait, do we know any sea shanties?

Uh, hello. Biggest nautical hit of 1988.

Let me sail, let me sail Let the Orinoco flow

Let me reach, let me reach Far beyond the Yellow Sea

MAN: Roll it there, ocean, please.

Da, da

Da, da

Da, da

CRUNCHIE: Ah, yes.

Da, da

Da, da

Da!

Sail away, sail away, sail away Sail away

Sail away, sail away, sail away Sail away

Sail away, sail away, sail away

Sail away Sail away

Sail away, sail away, sail away Sail away!

Wait... This isn't town.

MARTIN: Where the hell are we?

The river went the wrong way!

Stupid feckin' river!

Padraic. Swim back ashore and get help, will ya?

- Me? - You're a beaver, aren't ya?

Martin, this is an 85% wool-to-nylon blend.

- Oh, not this nonsense again. - I'm fairly sure I'll drown.

So only fairly sure?

It's good enough for me.

[HOWLING]

Was that a... A wolf?

Martin, aren't you allergic to wolves?

Not allergic, Sean. Afraid.

[HOWLING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oh! Hello, Mrs Moone.

- You asked Fidelma not to read any more. - What? I...

It's not fair to fire her just because she's got a trout in...

'Cause she's with child.

You think I wanted to let Fidelma go?

It was like ripping off a limb.

She's the best reader in Boyle.

Since Sister Anne slipped on that step anyway.

Or was pushed. Let's not go into that now. The thing is,

Father Roche is the senior priest and he feels it's just not appropriate.

- What do you think? - It doesn't matter.

He is the head of the parish.

In priest terms, he's Paul Simon, I'm just big stupid Garfunkel.

Maybe it's time for you to go solo.

You mean, finally start my own religion?

I mean, maybe it's time for you to break the sound of silence, Father.

And face that troubled bridge head on.

You're right, Debra.

I'll talk to Father Roche.

And not just because I'm impressed by your S & G knowledge.

- How are you? - [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

[WHISPERING] He's right there. Why don't you talk to him now?

- Now? - Yeah.

- Now? - Oh, for...

Wait, wait, wait. I'll do something. I will.

- When? - Tonight.

At Mass. See you there.

We've already been to Mass today.

[CROWS CAWING]

I think I want to live in the raft.

Boyle Beaver.

Let's just call into this big creepy house.

Happy Halloween!

Hi, mister. We got marooned on your island and we kind of need some help.

Are you not going to sing a song or anything?

Uh, no, we're not trick or treating. Do you have a boat?

- Or a hovercraft? - I'm still not hearing the song, lads.

No, no, we're actually here to...

Ah, lads, no song, no sweet.

Oh...

Wake me up before you go-go Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo

Wake me up before you go-go

Don't leave me hanging on, baby, tonight

Ah!

- Come on in, lads. - Right.

Listen, Sinead, I've been thinking about your little problem.

- Martin? - No. No, the weight thing.

I know what I'm going to do.

Because, you know I run the Weight Watcher's class.

And I can work out a regime for you based on your body mass index, you know.

A reduction in glucose. Cut out the white wine, basically.

Look, Mam, I'm already bored of this conversation.

I'm just gonna lay low, stay out of the public eye... Just hide, basically.

Ah, Father Roche.

About that Fidelma Moone situation...

Did you happen to find a little pin cushion in here?

Eh, what does it look like?

It looks like a little person.

Erm, no.

Listen, I know you've been away, Father.

But I think it's important that this is an inclusive, progressive church.

- You think that that's important? - I really do.

I don't know when I told you to think that.

It'd be more in your interest to clean your bloody room.

- Then I might be able to find my things. - Yes, Father.

There's my goat's blood.

For cooking.

[EXHALES]

[THE SOUND OF SILENCE BY SIMON & GARFUNKEL PLAYS]

Every Halloween I put out that bowl of sweets but no one ever comes.

- Does anyone else live on this island? - Not to me knowledge.

- Just me and the wolves. - [WOLF HOWLING]

I wasn't going to put the bowl out this year.

I says to myself, "Why bother? Sure, no one will come."

Then I said to myself,

"Shut up, Joe, you big stupid bastard, and put out the bowl

"and someone will come!"

And they did come. Two persons.

A plumber and an arse one.

- So, you're Joe. - That's what they call me.

Island Joe. Joe of the Island.

And I'm Martin...of the Boyle.

And this is Padriac of just outside the Boyle.

I'm a beaver.

This was a beaver once.

- What happened to it? - Island Joe. That's what happened to it.

Bears of the river, my hole.

Quick question for you, lads.

Which one of youse can hold your breath under water the longest?

We'll soon see.

[CACKLING]

[BLOWING]

- What's happened? - I think it's a protest Mass.

A what?

- I've never seen one in the flesh. - Seen what?

Nothing's happening.

Fair play to him.

- [GASPING] - [LAUGHING]

- Got another one! - He's an awesome man for the bobbin'.

- How do you do it? - I just imagine myself

Tom Sawyer and Slave Jim have put money on it.

Who are they?

I have no idea.

Ha! The lack of oxygen is driving you mad. [LAUGHING]

Hold your ground, Father.

It's time for a boy to become man.

- [JUNGLE SOUNDS] - [GROWLING]

God, he's really coming into his own now, isn't he?

[SNORING]

- This is great stuff, isn't it, lads? - Yeah.

Lads. Are ye real?

- What? - It's just when sometimes I

come in and play ping-pong in here with my friends,

they turn out not to be...real, like.

- Maybe that's why I always win. - No, we're real.

- Really? - Yeah, really.

Ha, ha! Great stuff!

[SILENT LAUGHTER]

What...

- Are you real? - What a weirdo.

"Are you real?" Bizarre.

- [MAKING SCARY SOUNDS] - Ooohh! No, we're imagined.

- [WATCH TICKING] - [SNORING CONTINUES]

[EXHALES]

Holy shit. That was a rush.

That was the best Mass ever.

Yeah, really made you think.

We have prevailed, Fidelma.

- You can read again. - Oh, really? That's good.

- You don't seem too excited. - Well, it's just...

I don't really like doing it. It's kind of tiring.

Oh, that's disappointing.

Wish you had mentioned that before I did that whole protest Mass and everything.

Oh, sorry about that.

Well, don't worry, I'll find someone else to read.

Okay. It's just that I went through such a hoop-la about the whole thing,

it'd be great if they were pregnant teenager.

[JOE LAUGHING]

This is my favourite Halloween ever!

You're so mad, Island Joe.

I feel bad that you're marooned on your own out here.

No. I have the wolves for company.

Aren't you afraid they'll eat you?

- No, they're a gentle creature. - Really?

Yeah. And if they get peckish, there's a graveyard on the island.

Hey. Who wants the last bit of brown bread?

- The ring's still in there. - A wife? That's all I need, Joe.

[ALL LAUGH]

We belong together.

I'm getting a real ghouly, spirity vibe out here.

Eh, speaking of spirits.

Thanks.

What is that?

I had nowhere else to pee.

Talk about ungrateful.

- I suppose the sea biscuits... - No, we're not talking any more now.

Dad, I was talking to somebody about Castle Island and lucky...

While you were trick or treating?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Do you know there's a caretaker on his own out there?

- That's right. - There's a caretaker? He's long gone.

- What? - Oh, yeah.

He died out on the island years ago.

- He's dead? - Yeah.

- I think the wolves got him. - Shut up.

Ah, he's dead years, Martin.

Oh, that is freaky. That is messed up.

The spirit of the ghost raft.

Well, good night, then, little plumber boy.

I'm a Ghostbuster.

There's a new fellow out there now, though, isn't there?

Oh, you're right, yeah. Island Joe.

That's right. Joe of the Island.

- Loves the ping-pong. - That's right.

Thank you for coming to All Hallow's Mass.

And nice to see so many of you haven't been caught up

in the silly old pagan rituals of Halloween.

Not that there's anything wrong with paganism, of course.

Anyway, we'll have a reading now from the Colossians.

[GIGGLING]

What's she doing?

Oh, God. I think it's a protest reading.

LIAM: Protesting about what?

Doing a reading.

[CLANGING]

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