Original subtitles

SEAN: It was the morning of Martin's confirmation,

another milestone in his idiotic little life.

It seems a tad too big.

Oh, yeah. You look like a schmuck.

I wouldn't worry about it, buddy.

You're just a late bloomer. And, hey, big day.

Yeah. Confirmed.

It's got a nice ring to it, all right.

Not "hoped for" or "pencilled in". Confirmed.

Like a well-organised dinner reservation.

I'm a shower, not a grower.

Oh, Martin. You look so handsome.

Oh, thanks, Mam.

Better get your shoes on, love. We're running late.

FIDELMA: Mum, where's my coat?

It's hanging up in the hall!

Your shoes, Martin.

These are my shoes.

No, your black leather shoes.

I don't have any black leather shoes.

Of course you have black leather shoes.

I remember buying you black leather shoes.

That was for my communion, Mam.

I grew out of them.

Ah! Always bloody growing!

Okay, stay calm!

Somewhere in this room, there has to be some kind of black leather footwear.

At least take the studs off.

I can't!

They're moulded!

? Dancing at the disco, bumper to bumper

? Wait a minute, where's me jumper

? Where's me jumper, where's me jumper

? Where's me jumper, where's me jumper? Oh, no ?

[BELLS TOLLING]

? Holy Holy Lord

? Holy Holy Lord

? Holy are you, Lord of power and might Holy, holy, you are so holy ?

Do you know what's gas? I totally forgot I was your godmother.

Sure I probably missed a load of your birthdays!

It's okay, I kept a tab.

You have them all there, all right.

Do you know what name you're taking?

'Cause I checked through a few saints and I came up with a few suggestions.

Aquinas the Baptist? Bonaventura...

Actually, I decided to let Granddad pick my confirmation name.

Aw, that's so sweet, Martin.

I think I'll go for Martin.

Martin?

Martin's a lovely name.

After Saint Martin.

- What did he do again? - Oh, I don't know.

- He was one of the black ones. - Oh, yeah.

Martin's my name.

That's right. Martin.

Martin Martin?

It's easy to remember.

? Holy, holy ?

Here we go. It's so exciting.

- SEAN: Mass is so exciting. - Oh, we praise Thy name.

Already bored, Martin tuned out.

Until suddenly, a Biblical breeze of coolness

blew through the congregation like a boy blizzard...

With its own smoke machine

and their raffish robes.

Who was this bell-ringing brotherhood?

Here we are, so...

At mass.

With their godliness, and their great hair,

these Holy Joes were a law unto themselves.

I think I want to be an altar boy.

Me, too.

Okay, excited. Say "confirmation".

[BOTH] Confirmation!

That can't be what Jesus died for.

If anyone should be crucified, it should be that keyboard fella.

Unbelievable.

I could barely sleep.

We need one more with the baldy bishop

and then we can get the hell out of here.

Yeah, the choir was pretty weird.

I bet they're just doing it for extra school credits.

Ugh, I'd rather fail.

And that, Trish, is why you'll never be Ireland's first female Taoiseach.

Well, that and my future drug habit.

- So how's mass, lads? You enjoying it? - Yes.

- Well, that's good. You're learning. - Yeah.

Well, that's good. That's the main thing.

Put the two together and you'll be a winner.

- Hey. - Hi.

Nice Ave Maria.

Haven't heard it in A-minor before.

Or with a samba beat.

Just trying to mix it up a bit, add some snares to the prayers.

Dessie, by the way.

Fidelma. Delma.

Nice to meet you, Fidelma Delma.

Right, lads, bit of exodus.

I really think the boots work, Martin.

We could have a big game of football right now if we wanted to.

SEAN: But for once, Padraic's moronic ramblings were falling on deaf ears.

? I was blind, now I can see

? You made a believer, out of me

? I was blind ?

Hi, Petey. Hi Paulie.

Hi, Joey. Hi, other Joey.

Great mass, lads. Great mass.

You know those guys?

Know them? I used to serve with them. But I had to quit.

Being an altar boy was just too intense.

Can you get me in?

You don't want to go down that road, Martin. Trust me. I've been there.

Grand. I'll just ask someone else, then.

Okey-dokey. See ya!

Hey, I'm heading out to the church.

Going to audition for the choir.

Seriously? The Singing Saps?

Mum!

Seriously? The Singing Saps?

It's for school.

Plus, I think it'll look good on my college CV.

Ah. One step closer to Taoiseach.

[SIGHS] She'll be running the country soon enough.

Oh, and I'm sure you two will be right there with her.

Why would we be there?

I don't know. Assassinating her?

[SINGING OFF-KEY] ? So, shall I never

? Ever part from thee ?

It was awful, wasn't it?

When we sing for the baby Jesus, it's never awful.

Usually.

No, I'm joking. Or am I?

No, I am. I am. It wasn't that bad.

Well, maybe I could try something more contemporary, like

Nothing Compares 2 U?

Sinead O'Connor?

Look, Fidelma,

when I play for the baby Jesus, I want Him to be entertained,

not frightened.

I want to make Him dance, you know?

Is He big enough to dance?

- What do you mean? - It's just...

Isn't He a little baby?

What, a 2,000-year old baby? But let's not overthink it.

Look, the point is joining this choir is a serious business.

Especially with Holy Week approaching.

And I need singers that'll raise the roof.

And the dead. Do you get me?

I want to make the baby Jesus dance.

- Snake eyes. - Hard eight.

Okay, just stroll over there, buddy. Just stroll over, just be cool.

Shoulders back, head up. Don't let them know you're intimidated.

Be smooth. Come on!

Oh, I love Snakes and Ladders!

? Ave Maria

? Diaphragm, diaphragm ?

What?

You've got to breathe from down here, my love. Look, feel where my hand is.

Do you feel that? All right, try it again.

? Ave Maria ?

- How'd that feel? - Yeah, that felt...

Really nice.

- [COUGHS] - Sorry, Mr Dolan.

This kid says he wants to be an altar boy.

FIDELMA: Idiot.

Oh, hi, Delma!

Is this your brother, Delma?

Yeah, this is Martin.

Oh, that's so great. Family is so important, isn't it?

Let's get Martin fitted out for a cassock, shall we?

- You're letting him join? - That's right, Paulie.

But he hasn't been through training. What about bell camp?

I said, "That's right, Paulie."

We're a man short. 7:00 a.m. mass, Tuesday.

You reckon you're up to it?

I was born up to it.

Good man!

Let's get back to this crowing, so.

Can you believe it, P? My first mass tomorrow. So exciting!

Oh, Martin, Martin, Martin...

It's just Martin Martin.

Look, at least let me give you some advice. The Altar Boys Code.

Always give respect. Pay your dues. And never be a snitch.

Is that it?

And always hand-wash your cassock.

It's really quite delicate.

? Set our hearts on fire

? Flow, river flow

? Flood the nation with grace and mercy

? Send forth your word, Lord

? And let there be love ?

Let us pray. In the name of the Father...

SEAN: And so Martin embarked on his first mass,

with all the nerves and trepidation of a boy serving his first mass.

This is my blood. Drink from it and remember me.

Drink this blood and remember me.

My blood. Drink my blood!

Do something, Martin!

And Jesus said, "This is my blood, drink from it and remember me."

Yes!

Nailed it!

- Nice mass, Moone. - Oh, thanks.

I just felt so at ease.

Don't get ahead of yourself, chump.

It was a decent start. That's all.

All right. Here's your cut.

Wow! Free Eucharists!

Don't eat them all at once.

And 12p?

This isn't from the collection plates, is it?

We divide up the money we find on the floor.

Oh, well, that's okay, then.

And we add that to the money we steal from the collection plates.

- Oh. - Loaves and fishes, kiddo.

Loaves and fishes.

And hey, make sure Dessie gets his taste, yeah?

Dessie?

SEAN: Petey explained the structure of the Mass Mafia,

a complex pyramid of corruption and brown envelopes,

with one man pulling all the strings. The electric piano strings.

I love the baby Jesus!

Sweet sounds, that's dry!

Martin? What are you eating there?

Uh, nothing, Father. Just crisps.

You mean God's crisps?

These are Eucharists.

No, they're, uh, Eucharisps.

I'm only going to ask you one more time.

Where did you get the Eucharist? Talk, dammit, Martin!

Stay strong, buddy. Remember what Padraic said.

Never be a snitch, Martin.

Hey, this is cool! Am I a dream?

What are you looking at?

Just my imaginary friend.

The church is no place for imaginary friends.

Look, I know you altar boys are up to no good

and I've turned a blind eye to it for far too long.

But I'm going to get to the bottom of this racket,

even if it takes me all mid-morning!

[BEEPS]

Oh. Actually, it's time for soup.

I will deal with you later.

If I remember.

Looks like Moone didn't crack.

[CHEERING]

You broke your cherry, Marty Football Boots.

Nice job, Martin Martin!

Marty Two-Times!

I think the boss might want to show his appreciation, Marty Two-Times.

Wow, shoes! Thanks, Mr Dolan.

You've earned them, kid. Also, your studs are really messing up the carpet.

Oh, right. Sorry.

And, uh, I think this is for you?

Oh, thanks.

So listen. A slot's opened up for Holy Thursday.

Can I count on you?

I was born to count on me.

[SEAN CHUCKLING]

Holy Thursday, huh? Welcome to the big leagues, buddy.

We've got work to do.

- Mam. - Hmm?

You know when a guy flirts with you...

I've a vague memory of it.

And then sort of ignores you?

Oh, that part I'm more familiar with, yes.

What does that mean, exactly?

Is this some fella you like?

No, not really. He's a bit of a door, to be honest.

So why are we talking about him?

Dunno. Just wondering.

He's probably just stupid, hon.

But if you fancy him, just throw yourself at him.

Mmm. ABC, Delma. Always be classy.

And a teeny bit slutty.

Oh yeah, and a teeny bit slutty.

Oh, great work tonight, folks. I'll see you tomorrow.

God bless, dudes.

- Need a hand with that, Dessie? - [SPEAKING GAELIC]

That Gloriamash-up's really coming together.

I didn't think it would work with the Brazilian drum sound, but you know,

it kind of does.

Ah, what can I say?

The Lord sings through my Casio.

Well, uh, I think I'm heading home.

Going to do some work on my electric opera.

Cool. Want to drop me on the way?

To your house?

But we live in opposite directions.

- Do we? - Oh, big time.

Oh, yeah.

I just thought you might like to

take me home.

- It's a two minute walk, Delma. - Right, yeah, sorry.

No problem. See you later, buddy.

And bless.

And bless.

? My sweet Lord Hallelujah

? Mmm, my Lord Hallelujah ?

Do this in memory of me.

Three point eight. Good.

Faster, Martin. Come on, put some holy in it.

[COUGHING]

Oh, yeah. That's incense-sational.

SEAN: Good genuflect. You don't want to falter at the altar.

Keep it short and sharp.

You wanna keep the ecumenical economical.

We want to leave the congregation reeling at your kneeling, son.

Keep going, kid. You've got it in you. Just keep doing it.

That's it! That's it! That's it!

? Hallelujah ?

So, we've raised an altar boy and a choir singer.

Where did we go wrong?

I suppose that's the risk you take when you have children in wedlock.

All right, kid. It's time.

No, seriously. It's time. We should go. Don't want to be late. Yeah?

[BELLS TOLLING]

? I really want to be with you But it takes so long, my Lord

? Hare Krishna

? My sweet Lord, Hare Krishna

? Mmm, my Lord, Hare Krishna

? My sweet Lord, Krishna Krishna

Big crowd, isn't it?

Well, yeah, it's Holy Thursday.

Shh!

? I really want to be with you ?

- Morning, everyone and welcome to... - [BELL RINGING]

And, uh, welcome to Holy Thursday mass.

- Now let us now bow our heads and... - [BELL RINGING]

And pray. Let us pray.

- Glory to God in the high... - [BELL RINGING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[BELL RINGING]

[WHISPERING] Martin, take over. Tommy's got the jingle-jangles.

Glory to God in the highest...

But I've never bell-rung before.

I said take over.

I'm so ashamed.

He took the cup, gave it to his disciples and said...

Hold...

- "Do this in memory of me." - Hold... Hold...

Bells!

[BELLS TOLLING]

You were magnificent, Martin.

Seeing you up there brought back a lot of memories.

Yeah, being an altar boy is great. It really is.

Apart from all the corruption, obviously.

Yeah, there really is quite a lot of corruption, isn't there?

That's altar boyism for you. Why do you think I got out of it?

Some things you just can't change.

Another triumph, Martin!

I trust you're free to join us again on Sunday?

Easter Sunday? Hell, yes!

I mean, yes.

- Padraic. - Mr Dolan.

Sounds to me like they're going to make you a Made Boy.

A Made Boy? What's that?

It's a great honour.

Wow! Were you a Made Boy?

No. I could never be a Made Boy,

because my Granny's a Protestant.

That was a lovely mass, Dessie.

Oh, I don't know. My bongo solo lacked a bit of sparkle, though.

You should be proud. You're really talented, Dessie.

In your own way.

Yeah,

I know.

Hey, you know, I've been trying to ignore you, Delma,

'cause I know it's kinda wrong.

But the baby Jesus is dancing in my heart, for you.

Then let Him dance, Dessie.

Just let Him dance.

How was it for you?

[PLAYS KEYBOARD BONGOS]

- Psst! - Jesus!

You know what you're getting mixed up in, Delma?

What?

You're playing with fire.

All is not what it seems.

Are you actually going to tell me something or...

It's Dessie! He's corrupt. He's got his hands in everyone's pockets,

his fingers in everyone's pies.

So, the pies are in the pockets?

[BIRD CAWING]

This conversation never happened.

Oh, hi, lads.

I'll just get that.

Is this some kind of a ritual? Am I a Made Boy now?

You're out. Was that not clear?

Out? Why?

Altar Boys Code. You snitched, you big snitcher.

But what about Easter Sunday Mass? Can I still serve?

You'll be serving dinner, you schmuck. Dinner of dishonour.

- You're so funny, Petey. - I know.

Hey!

Well, at least I protected my family from Dessie's corrupt ways.

Yeah, you really did.

Jesus, mass again. Weren't we just here?

[GROANS]

Jesus, mass again.

Weren't we just here?

It's okay, love. Go back to sleep.

[EXHALES]

Oh, by the way, Martin was telling me you're corrupt. What's that about?

Altar boys. I don't really understand them, to be honest.

They've got this whole gangster thing going on.

But, hey, I guess it keeps them motivated.

They keep giving me money and stuff, I just put it back in the baskets.

? Jesus was a sound man Killed by Pontius Pilate

? And a bunch of angry Jews...

SEAN: As Martin sat there listening to the terrible music,

a regular schmuck once again like everyone else,

he realised that one man can't make a difference in a corrupt world

and the only thing you can really do is to turn your back on it and walk away,

just like Padraic did.

? Get up, get back up Get up

? Get up and go start a new faith ?

Unbelievable. Judas!

[SNORING]

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