Original subtitles

SEAN: Lucky is the boy who grows up in a house full of the fairer sex,

for he will have an early insight into the mysterious ways of the woman.

- He'll learn cool make-up tips. - Enjoy school, Princess Martina.

- DEBRA: Martin, get up for school! - [DOOR CLOSING]

- SEAN: General bathroom etiquette. - Fidelma, come on.

FIDELMA: [IN SING-SONG] I'm shitting.

SEAN: As well as fashion and style.

You're late.

- Ugh! They're soggy. - They were crispy 10 minutes ago.

SEAN: But although this early education did leave Martin very at ease

when speaking with girls outside the home...

- [GIRLS LAUGHING] - Yeah.

Frosties on the go again, ladies. What can I say? They're grrreat.

SEAN: It did create some jealousy

- amongst other alpha males. - [SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Hey, beautiful.

Hey, Alan.

? Do you really want to hurt me ?

Yes, a strong tune, Tony.

[WOLF-WHISTLES]

- Good morning, Martin. - Good morning, Padraic.

Ooh-la-la!

Why is everyone acting so weird?

Well, we're at the point when adolescence and manhood

are fighting for supremacy in our everchanging boy vessels...

I mean today. Why is everyone acting so weird to me today?

Probably because you're wearing makeup.

- What? - All right, Madonna?

[MOANING]

- [GASPING] - I kinda like it.

? Dancing at the disco, bumper to bumper

? Wait a minute, where's me jumper?

? Where's me jumper, where's me jumper?

? Where's me jumper, where's me jumper? Oh, no ?

NEWSCASTER: And the police are making no attempt

to stop people as they scale the wall. I have never witnessed...

- Big week. - It is.

I've got my first Weight Wishers class on Friday.

All right. Yeah. Good for you.

- Oh, yeah. It's all change. - Ah, yeah. Sure no harm, I suppose.

I'm sorry. What?

I could probably do with cutting out a few rashers myself...

Liam, I'm not doing the bloody class.

I'm going to be a Weight Wishers instructor.

- That's right. - I told you about it.

I know you did.

We had a lengthy conversation about it, to which I was listening to every word.

You're taking a course

or you've got your name down for a certificate. [CHUCKLING]

Yeah. All right, Liam. That'll do.

- Debs, I tried. - You did.

Look, I know everybody is giving you a hard time.

But I'd just like you to know

that I wish you all the best of luck with being gay.

- No, this is all just a big misunder... - Shh. Shut up, Pet Shop Boys.

TONY: Every other silent vowel has an apostrophe on it, Liam.

LIAM: Yeah. But the thing is, that makes it a possessive noun, Tony.

TONY: A what? LIAM: Like it belongs

to someone called Bed. As in Mr Bed's Beds.

- Shall I buy "Bed's"? - No, I'm not trying

to shortchange you, Tony. I have a spare apostrophe here

I'm more than happy to bring down to you.

It's just it doesn't really belong in the sign.

I mean beds is just beds.

TONY: Oh, no, now, Liam, I won't be having that.

- They are not just beds... - [WHISPERING] Little something for sir.

Tables, wardrobes...

Has this been through the wash?

- [SCOFFING] Don't pretend you care.

Nobody's coming into the shop

- because I've scrimped on the sign. - Okay, yeah.

All right. B-E-D apostrophe S.

- I'll see you then, Tony. - And a full stop.

But Mam, she put makeup on me.

She was probably just trying to spruce you up a bit.

She wasn't doing it to be nice, Mam. She was doing it to be mean.

She took advantage of me when she knew the wits about me were sleepy.

She's evil, that girl. Pure evil. Like, er...

- Like Skeletor. - Ah. Here we go. Shh.

Hi, there. My name is Jennifer Bakewell.

I'm your Weight Wishers instructors instructor.

So it's like Weight Watchers, yeah?

But more competitively priced, though.

Mmm!

- What are you talking about? - My new career.

Food. What's it all about?

How can something so delicious make us feel so very, very ugly and fat?

- Does Dad know about this nonsense? - Yes. Dad is aware of it.

The only weight this family needs to lose

is the 10-stone witch who shares my bedroom.

Look, Martin. If you'd just got up a bit earlier and washed your face,

this never would have happened.

Why do you need so much time in bed, anyway?

Ah, Debra, would you leave him alone?

He was probably just playing with himself.

It's only natural, Martin.

Playing with myself? How do they know I was playing with myself?

Whelan, Staunton, Dalglish...

Oh, and he scores! And the crowd go crazy.

Oh, and he scores again. Yes!

SEAN: Since Martin stayed up all night drawing and playing with himself,

he needed to maintain the length of his sleep-ins.

But he also needed time in the morning to check his face for makeup.

What to do? It was quite the pickle.

The only solution was to somehow shorten his nine-minute commute to school.

But how? And then it struck him.

- Ow! Me head. - The wall!

The school wall ran right behind the Moone house.

So Martin realised that all he had to do

was hop over the little wall every morning

and he'd be in plenty of time. Free of ridicule and rouge.

Now all he needed was a little support from his imaginary friend

to overcome his crippling vertigo.

- You think I can make this jump? - I wouldn't have thought so.

I think I can make it. I'm a very strong jumper.

Oh, you're an accomplished athlete. Can't argue with that.

I just don't think you've got the balls for a jump like that.

What's wrong with my balls? My balls are perfectly normal.

Yeah, let's not go down that road.

It's more like an attitude thing that I'm talking about, buddy.

You've always been a bit "safety first", you know?

Take your choice of imaginary friend, for example.

What's your point, beard-face?

Hey, you created me, princess.

And I can destroy you like that.

Yeah, that gesture carries a little more weight when your fingers actually click.

- Point being, you gave me my name. - Sean Murphy.

An excellent name.

Most common name in Ireland, but let's not hang on that.

You also gave me my middle name.

Caution! Sean "Caution" Murphy.

As in "Careful who you're messing with, fool!"

- Caution! - Yeah.

Remind me. Who is Padraic's imaginary friend?

Legendary wrestler, Crunchie "Danger" Haystacks.

- [WRESTLING PLAYING ON TV] - CRUNCHIE: Danger!

You hear what I'm saying?

Padraic would have already made this jump

carrying Crunchie "Danger" Haystacks on his back like a Thundercat, no doubt.

Whereas here you are, bickering with a man wearing ladies' shoes.

- Why are you wearing high heels? - An excellent question.

[SIGHING] I am a bit "safety first".

SEAN: And so it was that sleepyhead "safety first" Moone resigned himself

to a life of mocking head voices.

BOY: ? Do you really want to hurt me ?

- [STUDENTS LAUGHING] - BOY 2: All right, Madonna?

- [BOY WOLF WHISTLES] - PADRAIC: I kinda like it.

- SEAN: Or did he? - Feck off, wall!

Hi-ya! Yeah.

Lovely man, your dad. Huh? Lovely man. Terrible builder.

It's not the size of a man's balls that's important, buddy.

It's the direction they're swinging in.

- Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall! - [CROWD CHEERING]

I'd let him tag me anytime.

You're probably asking yourself,

"Aren't you just an affordable version of Weight Watchers?"

And in many ways we are.

So she's up in Longford now. Ooh-la-la.

Living with him, most likely, like the manky cat that got the cream.

Doesn't care who gets hurt. Slapper, do you know?

- Slapper, yeah. - [JENNIFER CONTINUES TALKING ON TV]

Our plan has never been clinically tested,

so it's fresher, too, and braver. Let's start with the basics.

Why can't they just weigh themselves at home?

But she'll get hers, no doubt.

Probably in the shape of some unpleasant rash on her undercarriage.

Mmm, undercarriage rash, yeah.

Strip down and discover the hard truth amongst friends.

What can you do?

- She's me sister, you know? - Hmm.

Your own home would be an ideal spot for a weighing party.

Away from prying, mocking eyes.

SEAN: Martin Moone planned to remove small pieces of the wall every day

so that his clueless parents might not notice it disappear

from right under their stupid noses.

What the hell is he doing out there?

[NEWSCASTER SPEAKING ON TV]

And then, within hours, they began to burst through the Eastern blockade.

Wouldn't mind having a go on your eastern blockade.

"A go"? [SCOFFING] You wouldn't mind "a go"?

- That's lovely, Liam. I'm working here. - Oh, yeah.

Your fat instruction course thing.

I know what it's called.

- What's it called? - What's what called?

Liam, what is the name of the weight loss class

I'm going to be an instructor of?

- The... - No.

- You didn't let me finish. - It doesn't start with "The".

- Fattest Fools? - No.

- Greedy Gobs? - No.

- Chubby Club? - Do you really think

- it's called The Chubby Club? - I didn't say "The".

Oh, I knew it.

- This is so disappointing. - What is?

They all said you wouldn't support my new career.

- Who's "they"? - And now you've just proved them right.

I take it seriously. I am more than happy to starve

the arses off the flab foundation.

[LAUGHING]

Believe me. I am supportive, I am.

So we could use the workshop for a class, then?

- My workshop? - No, Liam, the second workshop

that I keep in the back pocket of my feckin' tennis shorts.

- You own tennis shorts? - Can we use it?

Deb, that's my place of work.

And then it would also be my place of work.

[CHUCKLING] Yeah, but come on, they're not the same thing.

Meaning your career is more important than mine?

Yeah.

Right.

- Weight Wishers. - Wish away.

What?

LIAM: Ah. No.

- Mmm. - Balls.

NEWSCASTER: The wall was first constructed by the GDR in August, 1961

and was officially referred to as the "Anti-Fascist Protection Rampart".

DEBRA: You're a rampart.

SEAN: Martin turned out to be quite a resourceful little runt.

That's it, buddy. Just the right combination of destruction and caution.

I mean, what other man could possibly achieve so much with so few tools?

[MACGYVER THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Maybe there's one.

- Would you like to dance? - It would be my pleasure.

? I've been looking for freedom

? I've been looking so long

? I've been looking for freedom

What a knob-bucket.

? Still the search goes on

? I've been looking for freedom

? Since I left my home town

? I've been looking for freedom

? Still it can't be found

So, ladies, what we have here is a picture of our good carbs,

our bad carbs and our ugly carbs.

Well, now, that would be things like spaghetti, French toast...

We know it's French because it's smoking.

? I've been looking for freedom

? Still the search goes on

? I've been looking for freedom

? Since I left my home town

? I've been looking for freedom

? Still it can't be found ?

You know, some might say that breaking down a wall

just to shorten your commute to school is pretty reckless.

- You've changed, kid. - We've all changed, Mr Murphy.

Nice shoes, by the way.

Hey!

DEBRA: Martin, will you get up out of bed?

Who's in there?

Oh.

Well, you're still going to be late for school, loser.

You know what, Sinead? If you spent more time

on your own makeup and less on mine,

maybe you wouldn't look like such a scabby old spinster.

[LAUGHS]

SEAN: In 1989, Martin's favourite TV show was Dynasty.

Actually, I'm done.

SEAN: That morning, our wall-smashing little hero made it to school

after a stationary breakfast and totally makeup-free,

with four whole minutes to spare.

So, the whole school's talking about your wall exploits.

They've started calling you the Dozy Bulldozer.

[HESITANTLY] So you're not doing the makeup thing any more?

- No. - That's cool. Whatever.

I need to go do a wee.

SEAN: With the fall of the wall, people began to pass

from East Boyle to West Boyle with gay abandon.

And back again, with even gayer abandon.

MAN: [ON PHONE] I'd just be worried

that the sort of people that you're talking about,

that they might fall through and kill everybody below them, you know?

DEBRA: No, no, I understand. Yeah.

If it's a weak ceiling, it's really not worth the risk.

MAN: I mean, it's fairly weak, and they're big people, aren't they?

DEBRA: Okay, thanks. [DISCONNECTS PHONE]

[SIGHING] It's not like they'd be jumping up and down.

SEAN: And as cross-border traffic soared, so did Martin's popularity.

- Hey, Wrecking Ball. - Hey, Alan Ball.

? I wanna be your sledgehammer ?

Oh, well, actually, I just used a chisel, but thanks, pal.

Love that tune.

What the...

[SIGHING] All right.

- You can use it. - Really? Thanks, love.

Rebuilding a wall seems like a job for a weight-loss group, right?

Huh?

SEAN: Turns out Martin's parents' noses weren't quite as stupid as he assumed.

Martin, what happened to the wall?

Well, I don't know. It must be natural erosion, like an oxbow lake.

Please don't compare the serenity of an oxbow lake

- to your blatant vandalism. - [INAUDIBLE]

Look, Mam, I'm not pointing fingers or anything,

but that wall was pretty shoddy to begin with.

Whoa, whoa, I built that wall.

Stop right there. What do you think you're doing?

Sure this is public access, isn't it?

You're climbing through a wall.

What sort of public access has a wall in the middle of it?

Good point.

You really should get rid of the rest of that wall, missus.

Health and Safety, you know?

See you later, Dozy Bulldozer.

Martin, you need to make this right.

This place is like a bloody dual carriageway.

- [WHISTLE BLOWING] - Oh, come on now.

You need to fix the wall.

I can't fix a wall, woman. I'm just a child.

Look, don't worry, pal. We'll rebuild it together.

The two lads, eh? Butch and Sundance build a wall.

- Just like they did in the film. - Yeah.

- Give us a hand, will you? - Oh, for fu...

Weight Wishers? Drop a dress size, keep them interested.

SEAN: With the weighing space secured, Debra hit the streets of Boyle,

spreading her nutritional gospel with her appetite apostles.

Like to lose some weight?

This is a bit more like it. Weight Wishers, drop the weight.

Here, I'll slip it in your pocket. Look at that.

Hey. How long has he been on his break now? An hour?

- Unbelievable. - [SEAN CLICKING TONGUE]

- Butch and Sundance, my hole. - Yeah.

Well, the important thing is that you're doing a really shoddy job.

Oh, the shoddiest. I'm hoping it'll fall down on the lot of 'em.

This is boring. We're literally watching cement dry.

You know what Padraic and his imaginary friend are doing about now?

No.

Neither do I, but I bet it involves sharks.

And some kind of unicorn battle.

It's unbelievable.

David, why did you want to come exactly here to the Brandenburg Gate?

One year ago, we came looking for freedom. And it was a dream...

Actor, singer, Knight Rider, Germany-unifier...

I really hope he plays the keyboard on his scarf.

- [ANNOUNCER SPEAKING GERMAN] - [HASSELHOFF MOUTHING]

Hey, I wouldn't swap this for the world, though. You know?

The two lads. Butch and Sundance watch cement dry.

Yeah. Actually, that's something I just do with my dad.

- That whole Butch and Sundance thing. - Oh, yeah.

[STAMMERS] That... That's cool.

Right. It's just... Yep.

Well, this is... This is pretty awkward now.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

I thought you might like a cup of tea.

Oh.

Thanks, love.

[SIGHING]

Maybe next week, huh?

Yeah.

That thing in Berlin is on the telly if you want to watch it.

Hmm.

David Hasselhoff is performing.

No.

Oh, yeah.

- The price of freedom. - Yeah.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

? One morning in June, some 20 years ago...

Him being there really makes the whole wall thing worthwhile.

? I've been looking for freedom

? I've been looking so long

? I've been looking for freedom...

Do you wanna do the dance again?

? Still it can't be found

? I've been looking for freedom

? I've been looking so long

MAN: They said the Weight Wishers class

was just through... What the feck is this?

- So much for the shortcut. - We could just walk around the long way.

- Walking? No way, Jose. - [ALL GRUMBLING]

Let's just leave it, will we?

- [ALL AGREEING] - WOMAN: Yeah. Probably best.

[ALL AGREEING]

? Still can't be found

? Can't be found ?

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