All language subtitles for Me.Myself.Irene.2000.1080p.BluRay.Rus.Ukr.Eng.HDclub.ENG_HI

I got a star on my car
and one on my chest

A gun on my hip
and the right to arrest

I'm the guy who's the boss
on this highway

So watch out what you're doin'
when you're drivin' my way

If you break the law
you'll hear from me I know

I'm working for the state
I'm the highway patrol

Well, you know me when you see me
'cause my door's painted white

My siren a-screamin'
and my flashin' red light

I work all day
and I work all night

Just to keep the law and order
tryin' to do what's right

If I write you out a ticket

Then you better drive slow

I'm just a-doin' my job
I'm the highway patrol

I'm the highway patrol
The highway patrol

My hours are long
and my pay is low

But I'll do my best
to keep you drivin' slow

I'm just a-doin' my job
I'm the highway patrol

[Male Narrating] Meet Charlie...
helpful dad, upstanding citizen...

and an 18-year veteran of the greatest
law enforcement agency in the land.

- [Whistling]
- The Rhode Island State Police.

That's Charlie's home...
modest, like the man.

Even though he lived
on the water,

Charlie wasn't
much of a swimmer...

which will come into play
a little later in our story.

But I'm getting way ahead
of myself.

You know, maybe it's best if we just
go back and begin at the beginning.

As a young man, Charlie had the world
by its bootstraps.

He was the best young trooper
on the force...

and was dating the prettiest
and smartest gal in town.

Her name was Layla,
just like the melody.

Mmm, Charlie.

You have no idea
how much I love you.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Well, will you stay
with me no matter what?

Of course, Charlie.

Well, what if I had to move to the
Arctic, and you could never come home,

and you had to eat whale blubber
for the rest of your life?

- Would you still stay with me?
- Yeah, I'd stay.

- But I hope that never happens.
- Yeah, me too.

[Cheering]

[Narrator]
Well, by spring time,

they had made it official.

Boy, let me tell you,

that was some wedding.

It was presided over
by Father Ken Gumbert,

and half the Rhode Island
State Police Force was in attendance.

- Congratulations, Charlie.
- Thank you, Captain.

- [Engine Starts]
- [Cheering]

[Laughing]

- Ooh!
- All right.

- Look what I got.
- Ooh!

Whoo. Here we go.

Ah.

Oh, um, excuse me.
Do you people take checks?

Say that again. Do we people
take checks? You mean, the black man?

No, no, no, no, no.
God, no. Your company.

Don't give me that backtracking
bullshit. That was a racist slur!

No, it wasn't, really.
I-I would never...

Tell you what!
I'll make it real easy for you.

Why don't you just pay me
in cotton or a cartload of watermelons?

Or how's about a couple
of them buckets of fried chicken?

'Cause you know how we black people...
we just love fried chicken, Mr. Charlie.

- Hey, no, come on now. Settle down.
- What's going on?

This cat don't believe
a nigger knows how to cash a check.

Ain't that about a bitch!

Charlie, I don't wanna ever hear you
use the "N" word in this house.

What? I... I never said
anything remotely racist.

- Oh, so it's
the little people thing then?

No!

You think just 'cause I'm small,
you can just push me around?

Well, come on, my friend,
let's boogie.

- I'm gonna give you a little
lesson in low center of gravity.

What?

- [Grunting]
- Hey, whoa, hey, stop it!

Hey! Cut it...
Stop it now. Sir!

Don't patronize me
with that "sir" crap.

- Whoa, hey, those are illegal.
- [Gasping]

Stop. Oh, God! Ow!

- Oh, it's on now! It's on.
- Charlie!

[Groaning]

- Charlie, don't hit him!
- [Screaming]

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, stop it!
Charlie, stop it!

Charlie, Charlie. Hey, hey, hey,
just let me handle this. Stop it!

Excuse me, Mister, um,
"Jackson"...

Uh... Oh, stop it!
What-What-What is your first name?

- It's Shonte.
- [Growling]

Shonte, I'm... I am...
I am so, so sorry. I apologize.

Oh, come on, here.
Let me walk you to your car.

I just don't have the patience for
people who judge books by their cover.

And you shouldn't have to.

Treating me like a dumbshit. I mean,
who does he think he's talking to?

I'm a tenured professor
of molecular genetics over at Brown,

- and I'm head
of the Boston chapter of MENSA.

You're kidding?

No. I'm just driving this limo
as a sociologic experiment, that's it.

- But MENSA? I'm president
of the Providence chapter.

No kidding.

[Chuckling]

[Narrator]Just when Charlie thought
life couldn't get any sweeter,

old Mr. Stork dropped in
to pay him and Layla a visit.

- [Groaning, Screaming]
- It's a boy!

Oh, boy, oy, oy.

Wow!

He's so... Wow!

- [Panting]
- Huh? What?

- [Screaming]
- Whoa, oh, my God, we're in luck.

He's got company!

- [Both Screaming]
- Push! Push!

[Narrator]
Charlie loved those boys so much,

he just couldn't face
the truth.

And so he went on with his life,
as if everything was normal.

Hey, Finneran.
Hey, Buddy.

- Hey! Hope you brought
your appetite with ya.

Oh, I did.

- Ahh!
- Charlie, your kids look great.

- Yeah, don't they? Thanks.
- Uh-huh.

- Charlie,
- [Screams]

Just between you and me,

did you ever notice that your kids have
sort of a year-round tan?

Yeah, well, uh...

- My great grandmother's half Italian.
- Half Italian?

Oh, yeah.

Well, that's probably why
the water beads off their hair, huh?

[Sighs]
Yeah, so?

- I mean, a lot of people have
different kind of hair.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, what are you...
what are you... what are you getting at?

No, no, I'm just saying is...
You know...

Come on, Charlie,
goddamn it!

Those kids' dicks are bigger
than them sausages.

Knock it off, Finneran. Those are
my children you're talking about.

- I've been meaning
to ask you about that.

Finneran!

Get over here.
It's your turn.

Charlie, don't mind me.

It's j-just the beer talking,
you know? Whoo!

Hmm. Sure.

[Charlie] There's something powerful
bubbling up inside me, Father,

and I'm afraid that someday,

if I don't do something,
I'm gonna explode.

[Sighs] Where does this rage
come from, my son?

I don't know.
It's a lot of things, really.

Take my wife, for example.

I love her like no other,

but part of me suspects
that she may be having an affair.

And I'm-I'm probably
just being paranoid here,

but I get the feeling...

that the entire town is
laughing at me behind my back.

Charlie, that you?

[Narrator] Eventually,
Charlie's worst fears were realized.

I'm so sorry, Charlie.
Really, I am.

But I have to do this.
I found my soul mate.

But...
[Exhales]

I thought I was your soul mate.

Tsk. Oh.

Come on, legs.
Let's roll, baby.

I don't know what to say.

I guess the heart just wants
what the heart wants.

Bye, Charlie.

But you said
you'd eat whale blubber.

Oh, she'll be eating blubber,
all right, just as soon as I free willy.

- [Groaning]
- [Engine Starts]

[Narrator] It's funny how a man
reacts when his heart gets broken.

Some break down
and cry like a baby.

Others, they take out an Uzi
and climb a clock tower.

But Charlie Bailey gates
didn't seem to react at all.

He just swallowed hard,

felt that slab of heartache
slide over the lump in this throat,

and he locked it all away.

As you can imagine,
it wasn't easy...

for little Jamaal,
Lee Harvey and Shonte Junior...

growing up without a mom,

but Charlie made that little house into
a big old home, and the boys flourished.

Let me tell you,
they were smart ones.

- What are you buildin', fellas?
- An airplane, Daddy.

[Imitating Airplane Engine]

- [Laughing]
- Bye-bye!

- [All] Bye, Daddy!
- Have a good time at work!

Bye, Daddy!

Love you, Daddy!

Where he can't hide

- From himself
- No. No!

Hey! Stop it! Jamaal, you're
in a lot of trouble! Get off that!

Don't you take off in that!

- How many seas
must a white dove sail

Shonte Junior,

How can you keep eatin' that crap
and never gain weight?

- I don't know. Just lucky, I guess.
- [Chuckles]

How many times

- Must the cannonballs fly
- Do you believe his voice?

That's Gomer Pyle!

Before they're
forever banned

- The answer, my friend
- Daddy, can we watch

Richard Pryor on H.B.O.?

- Is blowing in the wind
- Richard Pryor?

- Please.
- Okay.

In Africa, though,
I go out

in the country. Whoo!

You see some lions and shit.
I'm talkin' about real lions,

not them kind you be
fuckin' with in the zoo.

You fuck with the lions,
"Hey, lion, motherfucker!"

Be throwin' shit at it.
Lion be, "Uh-oh, oh!"

[Narrator] As they have
a way of doing, the years

passed some what regularly.

And the boys, well,
they came into their own.

...is make her
toss my salad!

The guy's like, "Toss my salad?
W-Well, what's that?"

Yeah, well,
having your salad tossed...

means having your asshole
eaten out with jelly or syrup.

I prefer syrup.

He's a funny motherfucker.

[Narrator] Although Charlie's
police work had started to suffer,

the kids were doing great.

Damn! I can't figure out the atomic
mass of this motherfuckin' deuteron.

Shit, man,
that shit's simple.

- Look. Tell me this, tell me this.
- What, what?

- What's a deuteron made up of?
- Duh, a proton and a neutron.

Then what's this motherfuckin' electron
doin' right there?

- Shit, I don't know.
- Well, get it outta there then!

Okay, so you sayin' I add up
the atomic masses of the proton

and the neutron, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- I sees that, but what do I do

with the goddamn electron?

Can I bring it over here?

Enrico Fermi would roll over
in his motherfuckin' grave

if he heard that stupid shit.

I mean, he'd just turn over ass up
in your face. He wouldn't give a fuck.

Man, Jamaal, man,
just cut my man some slack, dog.

Look here, I'm just try
in'

to help him save face, all right?

He keep askin' questions like that,
motherfuckers gonna think he's stupid.

- I ain't stupid.
- Mornin', fellas.

- Oh, hey, Dad.
- Hey, Pops, how you doin', man?

- What's all the commotion down here?
- Just school shit and shit.

- How's my little guy doin'?
- Strugglin'. This quantum

physics is confusing.

- If I don't buckle down,
I'm gonna get myself another B-plus.

Oh, that'd be whack.

Man, he so fuckin' dumb,
he think calculus is a goddamn emperor.

- Give it up, dog.
- Well, you think polypeptide's

a motherfuckin' toothpaste.

Oh, I gotta get outta here.
I don't want to have to bust a cap.

Kisses.

Mm, Daddy.

- See ya later.
- Love

ya! All right.

[Narrator] Yeah, Charlie was gettin'
a lot of respect inside the house,

but outside...
well, that was another story.

Mornin', Ed.

Charlie.

Say, Ed, did you see
where my paper went today?

Uh, the wife's got it
in the shitter.

Well, could you tell her to throw it
on the porch when she's done?

Can't you get one at work?

Yeah, I
...suppose I could.

You betcha.

I'd like that

If we could cycle
down some lane

I'd like that

If we could ride
into the rain

No mess getting wet

I'd be your Albert

If you'd be Victoria

Ha, ha
We'd laugh because

Each drop would make me
grow up really high

Really high like a really high thing
say a sun flower

- Hey, Charlie.
- Hey, George, Herb.

- Hi, Charlie.
- How do, fellas?

- Hi, Charlie.
- Listen, Dick, I was...

Hey, guys, check out
the rack on this one.

Whoa!

Oh, yeah,
that's what daddy likes.

It looks like a dead heat
in a zeppelin race.

- Yeah, a couple of Hindenburgs, huh?
- Oh, the humanity!

Come on, guys, take it easy.
She's a mom.

[Laughing]

"She's a mom."

- She's not my mom!
- She's a yummy mom.

- You kill me!
- "She's a mom."

Sure, that is good.
Oh.

Listen, uh, Dick, I'm sorry,
uh, to bother you like this,

but, uh, uh, your-your-your car
is gonna have to be moved.

[Chuckling]
Yeah, sure, Charlie, okay.

I should be done here
in another ten or fifteen minutes.

You know,
I hate to be a stickler, Dick,

but, uh, the law states that you can't
park in one place for more than an hour,

and you've been there for...

goin' on three days now.

All right, all right,
the law's the law.

Park it behind the grocery store,
will ya, Charlie?

Yeah, sure.

- This one?
- [Narrator] There's an old saying.

- An ostrich with his head
in the sand makes a lousy cop.

My fault.

You see, if you can't deal
with your own problems,

- well, it's hard to deal with others'.
- Sweetie.

Sweetie?
That's kind of dangerous.

You wanna move it up onto the sidewalk,
away from the traffic?

My dad says you're a joke,
and I don't have to listen to you.

[Sighs]

Well, your father
is entitled to his opinion,

but I am an officer of the law,
and, uh, by all rights, I...

- Fuck off!
- You should watch your mouth,

little girl.

[Screaming]

[Woman]
Thank you, have a nice day.

- Excuse me. Charlie! Hey!
- Hey.

You mind if I get ahead of you?
I'm in a wicked rush. Is that okay?

- Oh, yeah, sure, go ahead.
- You're a doll.

- Aw.
- Hey, kids, over here! Now!

Didn't I tell you to stay with me?
Stop! Put those down!

[Drums]

Nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah-nyah
We're gonna rock you

[Groaning]

[Exhales]

- [Stops]
- [Chattering]

"VagiClean," huh?
What's the matter, honey?

Little extra cheese
on the taco?

- Excuse me.
- No, excuse me.

There's no tag on this.

Price check on VagiClean,
aisle five.

I repeat. Price check on VagiClean,
aisle five. That's VagiClean.

We got a customer down here
with a full-on fallopian fungus.

She's baking a loaf of bread,

and I think it's sourdough.
[Inhales]

[Gasps]

Put a rush on that.

Hey, big guy,
did you hear the news?

My son, Billy, got the lead
in the high school musical.

Well, I guess he likes
the cock after all.

Wha...

[Muffled Screams]

- [Whistling]
- I'm basically no good

Still wanna skip rope
on the street?

I'm gonna tell my daddy
on you, Charlie!

Wrong answer.
And the name's Hank, fuckface.

[Continues Whistling]

And I'm not fit to touch

- The hem of your garment
- [Whistling]

And no, no

I'm not fit to touch

The hem of your garment

- [Baby Crying]
- [Gasps]

[Growling]

- [Crying Continues]
- [Continues Gasping]

[Slurping]

[Continues, Indistinct]

- [Men Screaming]
- [Yells]

There you go, Dick.

I parked it for ya.
By the way,

you got a headlight out.

Yeah

Oh, no

All right

[Continues]

[Woman Screams]

[Grunting]

[Grunting Continues]

- Mm-mm, that looks good.
- Here you go, Colonel.

Very good, Malcolm.
Thank you.

Colonel, we got a problem.
There's something wrong with Charlie.

- [Dispatcher] One-X to 112.
- 112 responding.

- [Dispatcher] One-X to 112.
- 112 responding.

[Narrator] Of course, there's
not much about this sort of thing...

in the Rhode Island
State Police manual,

so they sent him up to Boston to see
a team of highly trained head doctors.

They quickly identified
the problem.

You got a major screw loose.

Huh?

- Doctors have diagnosed you
as having a split personality.

A schizo.

- I-I don't remember any of this.
- That's because...

according to that report, it wasn't you
that this was happening to.

- It was this other guy.
- Hank.

- Huh?
- He said his name was Hank.

- And apparently Hank is
trying to get out.

Trying to get out?

What do you mean, "get out"?
How did he get in?

- You created him.
- By not dealing with

your problems, Charlie.

[Inhales Deeply]
Ever since, uh...

[Stammering]

Well, you know, you've been
avoiding confrontation.

- But this guy inside... he doesn't.
- Hank.

Doctors feel that, uh, you've created
this character out of necessity.

You never stick up
for yourself.

- [Sighs]
- Charlie,

why didn't you take
a vacation when Layla left?

Why would I?
You know?

I mean, wives leave their husbands
every day in this country.

There's no reason
to shortchange the department.

I mean, it's not like I had the flu.
[Crying]

[Sniffling, Sighing]

Have you picked up
your medication, Charlie?

[Crying Continues]
Mm-hmm.

[Sighs]
I'm really not crazy about it, though.

You know,
it makes me so dry.

You have to take it anyway.
Dr. Rabinowitz assure us...

that if you do,
everything'll be fine.

[Woman]
This is a bunch of crap!

No wonder you're the smallest state.
Little mind, little state.

It shouldn't even be a state. It should
be the District of Rhode Island.

- Whatever you say.
- Can you take these

goddamn things off, please?

And could you stop
looking at my ass?

Pritchard, what...
what's going on out here?

Well, Colonel, her name's
Waters, Irene P.

I pulled her over on 95
for a broken tail light. I ran a check.

She's got an outstanding warrant
in up state New York.

- Hit and run?
- Hit and run. Injured pedestrian

signed a complaint.

Oh, well, I think I might remember that.
That is ridiculous.

- I've never been in an accident.
Not in my whole life.

Well,

I've just gotten off the phone
with the New York State Patrol.

They don't seem to think
it's so ridiculous.

Look, j u...
How can we fix...

Were you in Massena, New York,
last Friday, second of May?

Well, yeah, I live there,
but I didn't have any accident.

Look, I'm just driving
down to Block Island to see my sister.

You seem like a nice guy.
Is there anyway you might

let me handle this by mail?

Unfortunately, Miss Waters,
I'm not the one you have to convince.

If there's been a mistake,
you have to clear it up in Massena.

What? Okay, wait.
You...

Because of somebody else's mistake,
I have to get in my car...

and drive all the way back
to upstate New York?

No, ma'am.

We'll have one
of our troopers escort you.

- [Phone Ringing]
- Hey, Hollywood, turn

your fucking phone off.

- Yeah?
- [Irene] You're an asshole.

Oh, hello, Irene.
What did I do now?

Listen, I'm sitting at a police station
somewhere in Rhode Island,

and they're shipping me back
to Massena on some bogus crap.

- Sound familiar?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.

- I don't have a clue
what you're talking about.

Dickie!

Cut the bullshit!
[Sighing]

Listen to me, okay?
It's over, Dickie. It's over.

So please just stop
messing with me,

and call your friends and
tell them to back off, okay?

Look, I'm being
a straight shooter here.

If you need help,
I'll help you.

Just give me all the details. I'll
get to the bottom of it. All right?

Massena, New York? Man, goddamn,
Daddy, that's damn near Canada.

I know, I know.
It wasn't my idea.

I gotta take this gal up north,
and then the colonel ordered me

to take a week's vacation.

Why a week?
Man, that's a long motherfuckin' time.

Well, he wants me to rest while
I'm getting used to the medication.

Aw, come on, you don't have to worry
about us, Daddy. We're grown up now.

These two motherfuckers can do
the shoppin', and I'll do the cookin'.

Man, you do the cookin'?
You thought you got chipped beef

from a toothy blow job.

You're gonna have Shonte Junior down
under goddamn 400 pounds. Fuck that.

- Can't have that happen. Okay, guys.
- No, we can't, we can't.

I'm not leaving till morning.
You know the rules when I go:

No bitches after 11:00.

[All Laughing]

- All right, Pops!
- Yeah, man.

- Bye, Daddy!
- Got ya, Papa!

Love you, Daddy!

Now who the hell's
this Irene honey, anyway?

She worked for me
the past couple years.

I hired her to be
my golf course superintendent.

- We got close.
- No, you got stupid.

For the love of shit,
these are the loose ends that can

hang you, Dickie. And me too.

- How much does she know?
- She might have gotten wind

of some things.

Yeah, well,
we're gonna find out.

The complaint was signed
by a guy named Peterson.

He's with the E.P.A.

E.P.A.?
I thought they were in our pocket.

Well, not all of 'em.

- Hang on, ma'am.
- Yeah.

This vacation is
just what Charlie needs.

I bet he's a new man
when he gets back.

If we let him back.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean that he's become
a pretty big liability.

We may have to let him go.

Let him go? But-But, Captain,
police work is Charlie's whole li...

I know, I know, damn it.
I know.

I found you sittin'
on a suit case cryin'

I found you sittin'
on a suit case cryin'

It's a great time of year
to ride,

long as you don't mind
one or two bugs.

I laugh out loud
'cause it's the one thing

I hadn't been trying

The train came in breathless
The passengers restless

She said
Baby you'll never change

You gotta get gone
You gotta get goin'

The world ain't slowin' down
for no one

It's a carnival
callin' out to you

It sounds like a song
It hits you like scripture

Boy, you can't beat
the open road!

[Insect Buzzing]

Weren't you the kid who just
climbed on the merry-go-round

Hey look the world
ain't slowin' down

- Hey, hey
- Oh, no!

Oh, my goodness.
Geez.

[Sighs]
Those damn truckers.

You know, you'd think they'd
call someone to come clean this up.

Poor thing.
Oh, that's terrible.

- Whew. Whoa.
- Ew.

By the looks of her,
she's been here for a while.

Well, I doubt we're gonna be able
to move her, but we should try.

You wanna get that end?
Just give it a little push?

- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, we should give it a shot.

- Okay? Go ahead.
- Okay.

- Just-Just push as hard as you can.
- Yeah, okay.

- [Grunting]
- [Mooing]

- Jesus! Whoa!
- Oh!

- Okay, you just...
- Oh, it's still alive.

- Just stand back. I'll take care of it.
- God, that's terrible.

- Oh. Now, don't-don't look, okay?
- Yeah.

[Sighs]

Well, old girl, [Sighs]
Your suffering's over.

[Bird Squawking]

[Narrator]Oh, it ain't always easy
doing Mother Nature's work.

- [Mooing]
- [Screams]

Oh, J...

[Grunts]

[Sighs]

Oh.
Do you believe that?

- No, it's... Yech.
- [Mooing]

- Oh, my God in heaven!
- [Irene Groaning]

- Oh, God!
- [Groaning]

God! What the hell
is wrong with you?

Die!

Let go!
Let go, girl!

- On to greener pastures. Come on.
- [Mooing]

They're clear-cutting a place
in heaven for you. [Grunting]

- Come on! Help me out! Do something!
- But...

- I don't... [Stammering]
- Let go!

Let it go!
Go!

- [Gurgling]
- [Gasps, Sighs]

[Pants, Sighs]
Oh!

[Panting]

Well, that was tough,

but I think we did
the right thing.

Patrol car, yes.
Okay, thank you.

- Can I help you?
- Yes, I'm Officer Bailey gates,

Rhode Island State Police.

I have, uh, your prisoner,
Miss Irene Waters here.

- All right. I'll tell them you're here.
- Okay-dee, right-dee.

[Phone Ringing]

[Charlie Whistling]

- What are those for?
- Huh?

Oh, it's just
this stupid thing.

I have to take a pill every six hours
or I feel funny. No big deal.

- What's it called?
- [Exhales]

Advanced delusionary schizophrenia
with involuntary narcissistic rage.

Ah.

Does your ass feel numb?

No, but they give me
unbelievable cotton mouth.

- I meant from the ride.
- Oh, no, no.

Over the years,
my ass has taken a pounding.

Miss Waters,
my name is Peterson.

Miss Waters,
my name is Peterson.

This is my partner,
Agent Boshane.

We're with the Environmental Protection
Agency's Special Investigations.

- The E.P.A.?
- Yeah.

What'd I hit?
A bald headed eagle?

Well, we'll explain that
to you, ma'am,

but right now, we're gonna ask you
to come along with us.

- Well, why don't you
just explain it to me now?

Well, ma'am,

we put your hit-and-run report out
on the wire in order to track you down.

- Track me down for what?
- Agent Boshane?

I want to remind you again,
our station's at your disposal.

You're more than welcome to use
any of our interrogation rooms.

We appreciate it, Lieutenant Gerke,
but we're all set.

All right. Well,
if there's anything at all I c...

[Garbled]
Uh, excuse me.

I'm just gonna
get myself a drink of water.

[Slurping]

Ahh! So if I could, uh,
[Clears Throat]

Just get someone to sign this,
I'll be on my way.

Yeah.

Well, Miss Waters,
uh, good luck.

And I hope everything
works out great for you.

Thanks a lot, Charlie.

I haven't done anything wrong,
and you know it.

What about the marijuana roaches
you left behind when you moved

out of your apartment?

So I smoked some pot.
What is that, a crime?

Uh-huh.

As is being an accessory
to bribery, embezzlement,

tax evasion
and racketeering.

- What are you talking about?
- Does the name Dickie Thurman

ring a bell?

His company,
Cedar Creek Limited,

has been under a sealed
grand jury investigation for 18 months.

How does that make me an accessory?
I laid some sod on Dickie's golf course.

So?

Tell me this... a big operation like
the Cedar Creek Country Club...

how'd you get the job
as the head greens keeper?

By default. This guy,
Tedeschi or Tedescho,

he was hired before me,
but he died.

Heart problem or something.

[Narrator]
The feds believed that Irene knew...

more than
she thought she knew,

and her life was in danger.

They explained that everything had
been happening right under her nose...

payoffs of government agencies, threats
towards those who stood in the way,

and her predecessor's
heart attack?

Well, that was just
cold blooded murder.

Oh, man.

Can you excuse me?

Pizza kid.

- How much?
- Uh, that comes to 13.95.

[Grunts]

[Grunts]

Oh, son of a bitch!

[Car Departing]

[Panting]

[Narrator] Well, it was a good thing
Charlie had told her...

he was staying at the Chuck E. Cheese
Lodge and Miniature Golf Resort.

Charlie?

Irene finagled a key
from the front desk and let her self in.

Charlie.

[Snoring]

- Charlie, what's going on here?
- Hmm? Irene?

Oh! Oh, uh, uh...
[Chuckling]

Irene, I was just, um...
I was gonna, um, study your file...

and, uh, try to find
a loophole.

Did your lips get as chapped
as mine on the ride down?

Nevermind!
I need your help.

There was a shootout down at the thing,
and the agents are dead.

- Dead?
- Yeah, they were after me, Charlie.

Oh, God. See, this is Dickie's work.
I know it.

Oh, God. See, this is Dickie's work.
I know it.

- So what are you gonna do?
- We'll call the police.

What?
No, you can't do that.

Dickie has those guys in his
back pocket. That's why I came to you.

- How... Wha... How do you...
- Oh!

Hey, this is serious shit!
You don't...

[Sighs]
I'm outta here.

Hey, wait. No, don't do that!
Come on, hold on!

Just let me think for a second, okay?

Think someplace else, Charlie. This is
the first place they're gonna look.

Damn it!

- So where are we going, anyway?
- You'll see!

[Narrator]
Well, they went on the lam for a bit,

- and then Charlie made
a couple of phone calls.

[Barking]

Irene, take it easy now.

- Charlie?
- Don't worry. I'll take care of it.

- Hey.
- Good work, Bailey gates.

- Thanks.
- I'm sorry I had to meet you

all the way out here.

No, that's okay.
It's just as well.

Poor gal's a little paranoid.
My kids are like that.

Somewhere along the line,
they just get this idea that

the cops are the bad guys...

[Grunting, Gasping]

Listen, I don't know what's going on,
and I didn't tell the feds anything.

Dickie told me
you were street smart, huh?

Why the hell would you
run back to this idiot?

[Drums]

Drop the gun, moron.
You're being videotaped.

- What are you talkin' about?
- There's a camera on my bike.

- [Irene Screams]
- Hard to hit a moving target,

isn't it?

- [Grunting]
- [Groaning]

[Panting]

Score. Good move.

Get in the car.

Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

[Irene] Would you mind telling me what
the hell you were thinking back there?

Calling that cop
was unbelievably stupid.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Tweak the high end
of your emotional E. Q, sweetbeak.

The funky chicken
was Charlie's dance.

I'm a tango man myself.

[Tango]

[Snarls]

[Narrator]As you can imagine,
there was some explaining to do.

So, Hank, [Clears Throat]
As he called himself,

found a quiet spot
and spelled out the whole darn mess.

Okay, so what you're saying is
that you're not Charlie.

Come on, you've seen Charlie in action.
The guy's like origami.

He folds under pressure.
When the big game's on the line,

he's busy ridin' the pine.

Okay, wait, wait.
Can you just...

It's simple.

Charlie's the mouse
that got you into the maze.

I'm the rat who knows
how to find the cheese.

The name's Hank...
Hank Evans.

- For little girls
- So it's true.

- Charlie is a schizo.
- I wouldn't know.

I stay outta his business,
he stays outta mine.

Look.

Just because I rock
doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

I feel your fear.

It's comin' through like static
on my heart radio.

Hank? Hank.

I really, really
appreciate your help,

but is there anyway
that maybe we could get...

Charlie back out here
for a little huddle?

No problem.

While you're at it,
climb that pole over there and

take a piss on the power lines.

Look, I'm not here to twist your
niblets. I'm here to save your life.

But if I'm gonna do that,
I'll need total "uninanonynymity."

Okay.

- Sound good, candypants?
- Hank, don't call me that.

Man, how the hell
can they call Pluto a planet?

What motherfuckin' planet
has an elliptical orbit?

Man, this shit
don't make no sense.

Motherfucker! That motherfucker Vince
Foster was murdered! I told you!

Will you quit hackin' into
them goddamn Pentagon files?

Ain't no nevermind who them
crooked politicians be killin'.

Just do your studyin'.

- Man, what did Daddy tell you
about snoopin', huh?

Shit, yeah, man.

You keep fuckin' around,
you gonna get that scholarship

to Yale taken away from you.

Be stuck up there at Stanford with them
goddamn sling-blade motherfuckers.

[Laughing]

Shit, motherfucker,
you be lucky to get accepted to Duke

gettin' a 1430 on your S.A.T.

- Motherfucker, you know I had the flu.
- The flu, my ass.

You had a motherfuckin' aneurysm
gettin' a 1430.

- Aneurysm?
Man, you talkin' some shit now.

[Knocking]

Now you see, man? That's probably
one of them Ivy League sum bitches now.

- Get your big-ass head up
and get the door, man.

Get the door.

- Don't fuck with my shit.
- Get outta the way.

Gimme some of them chips.

[Laughing]
Hey, Captain.

- Fellas.
- What the fuck is goin' on, man?

- This is Agent Anicelli.
- Gentlemen.

- What's happenin', Captain?
- We've got a problem.

Pack your bags.

- We're locked and loaded.
- Great.

- Got enough stuff
to hold us over for 72 hours.

[Men Laughing]

Well, fuck my ozone.

[Drums]

Nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah-nyah
We're gonna rock you

Hey, ringworm.

Yeah, I'm talkin' to you,
you toxic waste of life.

You gonna pick up that butt, or do I
have to glue it to the end of my shoe...

and stick it in your
big, fat, pimply A-hole?

Hey, man, take it easy.
It's just a cigarette.

Oh, yeah?
Well, this is just a fist.

But when I start throwing it around,
it can leave one hell of a mess.

Let's dance.

Hey, hey!
[Groaning]

Let's kick the shit
outta this crazy asshole.

Wait, wait. Wait!
He's a schizo!

What the hell's wrong
with him?

What happened, anyway?

[Narrator] Yeah, Charlie was taking a
few lumps on account of Hank's behavior.

But, save for a little blood in the
urine, he was no worse for the wear.

I'm sorry you had to meet Hank,
Miss Waters.

I thought I was bad.
That guy has some serious problems.

He did save our lives.

Anyway, Hank had
a pretty good idea.

- He thinks that maybe...
- Oh, and you're gonna listen to Hank?

Come on! Look what he did tome.
I mean, what are you thinkin'?

He's out of control, this guy.

You know what I think
we should do?

I think we should find
another department

and tell them the whole story.

Not smart, Charlie. We don't know
how far Dickie's reach goes.

Well, then, you know what?

I think it's time to call the best damn
law enforcement agency in the country:

The Rhode Island State Troopers!

Do you really think the feds don't have
some guy up there now bugging calls?

They'd be on us
in ten minutes.

And they're the ones that almost
got me killed in the first place.

Okay. What was
the genius's big plan?

He thinks that we should find a cabin
and hide out for a while.

Oh, yeah?
What about water? What about food?

He already got supplies.
They're in the trunk.

- These are the supplies?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, he had a plan, all right.
[Sucking Sounds]

That's it?
That's all he got?

Oh, no, there's more.

A rope, a shovel,

bag of lime
and some lawn darts.

- And the kidnapping
of one Irene P. Waters.

That's bullshit!

My daddy ain't killed nobody,
and he sure as shit ain't

kidnapped no skinny-ass bitch!

Your dad's sick, mentally.
He's had some sort of breakdown.

That's what we understand.

The important thing is we find him, so
nobody else gets hurt, himself included.

Come on, man,
nobody's gonna get hurt.

Hell, yeah. Our daddy wouldn't hurt
a motherfuckin' fly.

No, he goes after bigger game.

We just got a report he put six bullets
into a prize cow's head.

Poor thing's lucky
to be alive.

Okay, look, let's say he does
have a problem... which he don't.

- He's been taking pills
to get rid of it, anyway.

He left his pills in the hotel.

- Damn.
- That's where he left his sanity.

I've seen it first hand.
The guy's nuttier than squirrel turds.

L-L-Look. One thing
I don't understand, Lieutenant.

If my daddy's
such a scary-ass motherfucker,

why'd you go by yourself, huh?

Yeah, who the fuck are you,
Sergeant York, tryin' to take on

the Germans your damn self?

Your father's a police officer,
and he asked me to come alone.

How was I to know he's a nut case?

- Man, our daddy ain't
no fuckin' nut case.

He may have...

advanced delusionary schizophrenia
with involuntary narcissistic rage,

but he is
a very gentle person!

- [Punk On Radio]
- Motherfuckin' robot

Motherfuckin' robot

[Continues]

[Radio Off]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's the fuzz?
Tell me what's a-happening.

Stay away from me, Hank!
I know what you had planned.

I saw your so-called supplies.

Oh, that?

I wasn't gonna just
ram it home, you know.

I was gonna lube it up...

and ease it in there
inch by inch, like a gentleman.

I was talking about
the shovel and the lime.

Shovel and lime?

[Chuckling]

[Laughing]

[Sighs]
Thank you.

- I haven't laughed like that
in a long time.

What's so funny?

- We're drivin' a hot carriage.
- So?

That stuff belongs
to the bad cop.

You think he was gonna take
our dead bodies down to the station?

Oh.

[Narrator] Irene decided
they should go back to Rhode Island,

but Hank had an idea first.

- Are you sure about this?
- Are you kiddin'?

Every oinker east of the Mississippi
will be looking for this sled.

Safer to go mass transit.
Ready? On nine.

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine.

I can't keep up
with you no more

And you treat me
like it's a sin

For you to let me in

Well, they won't be
tracking us in that car.

- Thanks for the kudos.
- Sure.

- Glad we're finally on the same page.
- Me too.

Whoa! You okay?

Yes, I'm fine.

[Sighs]
Thought you were goin' over the edge.

Thank you.

- You know, I think you're
a very special unit.

That's sweet.

I hope we can get
to know each other better.

Yeah, me too.

Do you swallow?

I get it.
We'll go slow.

- Hey!
- Yes?

You didn't happen to pick up
a wallet on the dash, did ya?

You're kidding, right?

[Exhales]

So, what's your tale, Mother Goose?
Where you from?

Oh, all over.

Omnipresence...
I like that in a woman.

I'm originally from Texas.
Middle-class neighborhood.

But after high school, I moved
to New York, 'cause I had this thing...

Let me guess. Everybody in town
told you you were easy on the eyes,

so you decided
to become a supermodel.

When you got to the Big Apple,
they treated you like the worm.

So you packed on a few pounds
and started calling yourself an actress.

- Uh, no.
- Shh!

Unfortunately,
you can't get far without talent,

and after a while the only bright lights
you saw were the ones...

that hit you in the face
when you opened the fridge.

That's when you got a boob job, started
hanging around on the Upper East Side,

looking for a rich, old man
with a bum ticker...

and waved a white flag
in the face of your own self-loathing.

How's my aim?

I never went to New York City.
I went upstate to Cornell.

And then I got my master's
in turf management at U-Mass.

And then I became
a golf course superintendent.

And these, believe it or not,
are all mine.

I noticed you conveniently
left out your eating disorder.

- I don't have an eating disorder.
- Whatever you say, slim.

- Whoa!
- Hands off, Hank.

[Calliope]

- Hey! Mom!
- [Growling]

That's real nice, Hank.
Way to keep a low profile.

It's survival at this point.

Hey, I know how to score
some dough. Punch me.

- What?
- Punch me in the face.

- Why?
- I'll flag the big cheese,

tell him I got rolled
in the parking lot.

He'll hush me up
with a couple of Benjamins.

They don't need that kind
of ink on Sugar Mountain.

Come on, rip my head off.

That's really lame, Hank.

Well, you have a better idea?
Come on.

- It's not gonna work.
- Yes, it is gonna work,

but you gotta rock me.

Don't give me one of those girly
"I don't wanna break a fingernail"

love taps.

This guy's gotta look
at my face and just...

[Grunting, Yelling]

[Narrator] Well, the kick in the chops
didn't work out as planned,

and it just left Charlie
a little more roughed up.

- How's the nose feelin'?
- Listen to it.

[Nose Whistling]

- I'm really sorry, Charlie.
- I'll get over it.

I mean, you should be furious. I just
drop-kicked you right in the face.

- Hey, it happens.
- [Nose Whistling Continues]

- [Grunts]
- You got a great way

of looking at life, Charlie.

You know that?
That's a gift.

Yeah, I don't know
if my shrinks would agree.

- They think that's my problem.
- What?

Oh, that I purposely distort
my perceptions...

- to make my reality more palatable.
- [Nose Whistling]

Oh, like you only hear
what you wanna hear?

Thanks. I like to keep it short,
especially in the summer.

How come I couldn't have ended up with
an easygoing guy like you, Charlie, huh?

It's like you don't
give a damn, you know?

And your skin's so natural. You just
let it hang out, blemishes and all.

You're not afraid of your flaws.
You have squinty eyes,

and your face is all pursed up
like you just sucked on a lemon,

but you pull it off.

[Train Whistle Blowing]

You thinking
what I'm thinking?

[Irene]
Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

- [Cracking]
- [Groaning] Come on.

- But I don't know if I can!
- Yes, you can!

Humans only use ten percent
of their potential.

You gotta reach down
for that little extra something.

- [Panting, Nose Whistling]
- [Panting]

There you go!
Now you're gettin' it!

I believe in you!

Don't you give up on me now!

It's easier than I thought!
Come on!

Go, Charlie, go!

You can do it!
Come on, Charlie!

Use more
of your potential!

[Grunting]

Come on, Charlie!
Go!

- Come on, jump off! Jump off!
- What?

What?

Jump off the train!

Oh.

[Screams]

- [Nose Whistling]
- Ow.

- [Nose Whistling]
- Ow.

Irene?

- [Gasping]
- Come on, stop foolin' around.

[Sighing, Panting]
I started thinking about it. Bad idea.

Trains are the first place
they'll look.

Oh, come on.

Hey, we checked all the major gas and
food stops along the interstate.

- No sign of him.
- [Scoffs] The interstate?

Let me ask you something, man.
Is your old lady happy?

My "old lady"?

Yeah, man, because if your fucking
is anything like your police work,

you couldn't hit the G-spot
on a 12-pound pussy.

- [Laughing]
- Watch yourself.

- What are you getting at?
- Look, man.

A: Daddy ain't
gonna take no road...

where y'all blind-ass,
Helly Kelly cops is looking.

And B: Motherfucker,
he don't eat fast food.

[Irene]Okay, I have three
dollars and a nickel.

- How much do you have?
- Uh, six bucks.

- Just let me go up and order
so we can get out of here.

Okay.

I'll have the chicken breast sandwich,
no skin, dry toast.

[Slurping]

You make me dizzy
running circles in my head

One of these days

I'll chase you down

Look who's goin' crazy

Now we're face to face
my friend

Better get out
better get out

What are you
staring at, fucker?

[Continues, Indistinct]

You want to start me up? Just open
the choke and pull the cord, pal.

I'm due for a seismic event,
and you're dancing on the fault line.

Hey, what is
your problem, pal?

I got no beef with you.
This is between me and the kid.

- Hey, stop it!
- He started it.

I'm so sorry.
I have to apologize for him.

- He suffers from this thing...
- I'm right here, four-eyes. Let's go.

Oh, poor baby. He has to let his daddy
fight his battles for him.

- [Clucking]
- He's an ass.

[Continues Clucking]

Pussy.

How's it hangin', fellas?

Hank, I presume?

- Did you miss me?
- Why don't you just send

Charlie back out here?

- Things were finally becoming civilized.
- Listen, Pocahontas,

unless you put your ear to the ground,
you'll never hear the buffalo coming.

Look, I don't know
what that means, okay?

It means either he's gotta
make up a battle plan,

or old Hank's gonna have to
take over Fort Charlie for good.

Did you just refer to yourself
in the fourth person?

- Holy Jesus in heaven!
It's a giant Q-Tip.

Hank.

What?
I'm joking with the guy.

Bringing a little sunshine
into his life. Careful, you'll peel.

Do-Do you need
to see a menu?

No, thank you.
We've ordered.

- That's it.
- Hey, hey, hey.

- Hold on there, cheese tits.
Did I miss something?

Don't give me that shit!

What you just did
to that kid was terrible.

Didn't you see
the look on his face?

Looked a little pale,
that's all.

He was hurt and offended.

Well, I disagree.
But why speculate?

- Hey, milky, vamonos.
- Hey, no! No, no, no.

- Hank, no.
- Come on, Brer Rabbit.

Hop down the bunny trail.

Come on.
Epa, epa, andale.

Listen, uh,

were you offended in any way
by our social interaction here?

Y-Yeah.
Actually, I was.

What was it,
the Q-Tip thing?

Actually, I was pretty much offended
by everything that you said, sir.

Oh.

Sorry.

I'm truly sorry.

[Door Closes]

[Folk]

You okay?

You don't know what it's like,

spendin' all those years
trapped behind a wall of politeness...

bound and gagged.

A dark and silent world
where nothing grows but the anger.

All because some doll-faced demon
he married...

I aced up her boots and did
a Nancy Sinatra on him.

Charlie had a wife?

[Scoffs]
And then some.

I was a big piece
of the personality pie back then.

But when she left him,
Charlie went numb...

and I went AWOL.

Well,

if you were such a big part
of the personality,

then she left you too.

[Sobbing]
It's true.

[Sniffling, Wheezing]

She left us.

- I loved her.
- Oh.

[Sniffling, Wheezing]
Why did she do this?

I'm not a bad person.

I'm not a bad person.

No, no.
You're not a bad guy.

No, you're not.

Do you hear me, huh?

[Sniffling, Wheezing]

You're a good person.

You really think so?

Yeah, I'm starting to.

- You know what I'm gonna do?
- Hmm?

I'm gonna
make it up to Charlie.

And I'm gonna make it up to that
sweet little circus geek in there.

Um...

Um, Hank? Hank.

Agent Boshane.
Just got lucky.

They were spotted leaving a health food
restaurant 100 miles southeast of here.

- Fifteen minutes, tops.
- Got it, got it.

They got 150 cordoned off?

Let's fly.

I hear you are singing
a song of the past

I see no tears

- [Coughing]
- [Continues, Indistinct]

Can you please tell him
to stop this?

Charlie, is that you?

Hey, my nose.

My nose is fixed.

- [Chuckling]
- Well.

Isn't that great?

How did that happen?

Well, um,

Hank wanted to do
something nice foryou...

so he insisted
that we, well,

[Mumbling]
Go to a plastic surgeon.

What did you say?
Plastic sur...

- Did you say plastic surgeon?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God. Wh-What...
Ow! What is this?

What is this?
What did... Wh... Was...

Uh, what is this?

Hank thought that you kind of
had a weak chin, so...

What?

I like my chin.
I-I-I have a...

I like my chin.

It's my chin! It's my chin!
Mine! How did you pay for it?

- I loaned him the money.
- [Yells]

Who the hell are you?

It's me, Milky.

Who the hell is Milky,
and what is he doing here?

Uh, Irene has
a lot of people...

who would like to see her
in an unmarked grave.

And I don't think it's safe for you
to be hanging around with this.

Why not? You, Irene and Hank
are my only friends.

But what about your family?
Aren't they gonna miss you?

My family's all...

[Sighs]
They're gone.

Oh, geez.

If we're taking you with us,
we can't be calling you "Milky."

- What's your real name?
- Casper,

but my friends call me "Whitey."

Okay.

I can't find
the time to tell you

I can't find
the time to tell you

Whoa.

So many things to say

I could fit them in a book

Of a thousand pages

[Continues, Indistinct]

Here you go, Mr. Murphy.
I got your car all filled up.

Thank you, Joseph.

- [Trickling]
- Oh, yeah. [Exhales]

Get your cock out of my Chrysler,
you son of a bitch!

What are you doing to my car?

I'm gonna kill you!
I'm gonna get you!

I can't find
the time to tell you

I can't find
the time to tell you

I look at your pretty face

And I fall in love with you

Every time I see you

[Continues, Indistinct]

What's that on your shirt?
Whoa.

I'm sorry.

That was good.

Charlie,
what the hell is that?

Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna fall for that.

- No, Ch-Charlie.
- Uh-uh, not me.

- No...
- Nice try, though.

How dumb do I look?

[Grunting]

Hey, they only had
two rooms, 19 and 20.

So you guys will
have to bunk up.

So, Whitey.

What happened
to your family?

I killed them.

Uh-Uh, come again?

When I was 15, I hacked them up
with a hammer while they were sleeping...

Ma, Dad, my bro and my sis.

She was awake, my sis,

which I regret.

Yeah, well.

We all have family stuff.

That's what makes
the holidays so hard.

I just got released last month
on my 21st birthday.

To tell you the truth,
I really wasn't ready to leave,

but they said I had to.

That's a fucked-up law, huh?

Well, I guess they need
the extra room...

for the real psychos.

I'm gonna go next door and try
to make out with what's her face.

- Go for it.
- All right.

- What?
- Yeah.

He just told me that
he brutally murdered...

his entire family
in their sleep.

- Oh, my God.
- He was a juvenile.

They just let him out.

So, I was gonna ask you...

if I could stay here,

but I can sleep in the car.

That's me and my whipper snappers.

- I'm Dorothy.
- [Laughing]

Look at you.

When did you take this,
at Halloween?

No, just messing
around the house.

You seem like a really
good dad, Charlie.

I try to be.

They're incredible kids.
Oh, God.

So happy and funny.

They never give me any grief.

They're the top three students
in their class, out of 211.

- Golly.
- I don't know where they get it from.

Well, that's just good genes.

You know, I don't think I...

No, I don't think I Carry
even one picture anymore.

- Why not?
- I don't know.

I used to, you know,
when I was younger.

Pictures of friends
and stuff like that.

I guess they just
got old and fell apart.

Kind of like the friend ships.

That's too bad.

[Chuckling]
Look at you.

I'll tell you what.
Why don't you keep that one?

- No, Charlie, that's yours.
- Are you kidding?

- I have tons of them at home.
- No.

- No, I got a bunch. Come on.
- You do?

Yeah.

Okay. Thanks.

You... Thanks.

I'm dry.

You know,
I'm gonna go get a soda.

- Do you want a soda?
- Sure. Okay.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- [Banging]
- [Scoffs]

[Laughing]

I caught that, bozo.
Not once, but twice it burned you.

[Laughing]

Give it another kick. I don't think
you're gonna get it this time.

- I think I just had an epiphany.
- What?

That I might be able to control
this little problem of mine.

Oh, how did you learn that?

Well, first the Coke machine
robbed me, right?

And I'm fine with that. But then,
some guy came up and laughed in my face.

- Oh, no.
- No, no. But that's just it, see?

Just when I was starting to feel
those old familiar feelings,

I just took a deep breath,
counted backwards from ten

and I said to the guy,

"Excuse me, sir, but your laughter is
not helping me right now."

And he said, "I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to make fun."

And that was it.
I helped him with his luggage.

- Really? Well, that's great.
- Yes.

- [Sighs]
- And you got the Cokes.

Hey. Just a little rap on the side
of the machine and presto.

Maybe that's it though,
you know?

Look what I found in my bag.

Oh, no. Oh, boy.

What do you think?
Do you?

Well, under the right circumstances,
sure, I could tip a few. Okay.

Well, under the right circumstances,
sure, I could tip a few. Okay.

- And these are the right circumstances.
- Okay.

- All right.
- Here we go.

- Celebrate good times, come on
- Oh, well.

Oh, that must be mine.

[Groaning]

Ow.

Oh, geez.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God!

Irene.

Hmm?

Why am I peeing like I was
up all night having sex?

Why am I peeing like I was
up all night having sex?

[Narrator] Well, seems old Hank
had pulled a fast one.

And if that
wasn't bad enough,

there was more trouble
right around the corner.

I want everybody to stay put
and wait for my orders.

You mean to tell me you couldn't tell
the difference between us?

Are you serious?

Who the hell could?

A sober person, for one.

So we had some drinks.

Well, look who joined the party.

Did you have fun?

Oh, yes I did!
Oh, yes I did!

So I guess old Hanky-panky
wasn't enough for you, huh?

It wasn't for me.

[Sobbing]

- Now, you're sure this is the woman?
- Absolutely.

When my boyfriend Scooter
brought in the morning paper,

I recognized her right away.

Thanks a lot.
Scooter.

Hey, look, Starsky and Hutch.
Look, man, how about this, man?

This is the plan, look.

Why don't you let us talk to our dad so
this ain't gotta be no big thing, man?

Thanks, fellas, but this is
the end of the line for you.

Now, officer Stubie's gonna
drive you back to the chopper.

What? You brung us all the way
down here for us to leave now?

Man, yeah. That don't make
no motherfuckin' sense.

Well, you guys have
done all you can do.

This is strictly a police
matter from here on in.

Wait.
It maybe a police matter to you,

but the police don't matter shit
to me when it's my daddy in there.

I said you're getting
the hell out of here.

That's the end of it.

Guys, look, I'm sorry.

I hate to admit it,
but this time he's right.

You can't be here.
It's a liability thing.

- Hey, man,
he's the motherfuckin' liability.

Don't worry about it.

This is my investigation. I promise you
there will be no bloodshed.

I promise.

Come on, guys.

Let's go.

[Water Running]

You okay, Charlie?

Uh, yeah. I'm just, uh,

freshening up.

How do you want
to handle it?

I say we storm the place
and start shooting.

But what if he's unarmed?

Plant a gun on him afterwards.

Don't fuck it up this time.

Agent Boshane.

It's Stubie.
He's got Baileygates and the girl.

What?

This is Boshane.
What's going on?

I caught them out on 134
in a stolen vehicle.

Baileygates and the girl.
I got them.

Officer Stubie, I don't want you
to attempt to move them alone,

you hear me?

Don't move them.
We'll be right there.

In your car, come on.

We sure is sorry
about this, Officer.

But our daddy always told us
to trust our instinct,

and our instinct is tellin' us
something don't smell right.

- Come on, let's roll.
- You guys are making a big mistake.

'Cause I promise you,
when I find your old man,

I'm personally gonna fuck him up.

Now, why did you go and say
something like that for, huh?

Lee Harvey, what's the diameter
of a chicken egg?

- 4.08 centimeters.
- No, no. What's that in inches?

1.61, man. What the fuck
you gettin' at, man?

I got ten bucks say
I can squeeze a chicken egg

up his ass without it breakin'.

Man, you can't put no chicken egg up his
ass. Look at him. He's a tight-ass.

- No, it can be done. Right on.
- Yo, I'll take that bet.

Pull your ass out.

[Tires Squealing]

I'll tell you one thing. If I didn't
have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.

What are we gonna do
about Whitey?

Take a guess.
We're going on without him.

Moody.

Yeah, well, I didn't have
the fun you had last night.

I just got the hangover
and the swollen prostate.

Do you have any cash left
from when we checked in?

- Yes, 60 bucks, but it's Whitey's.
- Yeah, well.

Bad things happen to people who kill
their family with a hammer.

I'm payin'
but it's under protest.

- Come on. It was close enough.
- Yeah, whatever.

- Shit.
- Hey, give me the police scanner, man,

- so we can find out
what the fuck's going on.

All right.

- Well, motherfucker,
you speak German, don't you?

Motherfucker, I can speak it.

- I didn't say I could
read the shit all that good.

You's a motherfuckin' disgrace.

[Speaking German]

- Then get this motherfucker
off the ground!

All right, all right, all right.

[Together]
Whoa, shit!

[Together]
Whoa, shit!

[Sirens Approaching]

Oh!

- Oh.
- [Clucking]

[Shouting]
Oh, Jesus!

Would somebody get this goddamn chicken
out of my ass, please?

[Groaning]

Stay back.
We'll do it alone.

I'll take 19, you take 20.

Stay back!

Some turn out a hundred grand

- [Continues, Indistinct]
- Goddamn it!

Sons of bitches. I'll show 'em.
Sons of bitches.

I need a gun and lots of ammo.

Whoa, sorry.
72-hour wait, federal law.

How far am I from Rhode Island?

Four or five hours.

I got a map of New England
if you want it, $1.95.

- Here's a five. Keep the change.
- Thanks.

[Phone Ringing]

- Hello.
- Finneran, it's Charlie.

Charlie, you are in deep shit.
Where the hell are you?

Listen, you gotta get a message
to the colonel for me.

But no one outside the department
can know about this, all right?

'Cause this is deep.

4:30, South County Train Station,
bring plenty of backup.

You've got it.
And don't worry,

nobody outside the department
will hear about this.

Watch yourself, buddy, okay?

[Beeps]

4:30, eh?
Thanks for notifying us, Officer.

No, you've been
a really big help.

- You stay close.
- Yes, sir.

- Excuse me.
- Huh?

Where's Dickie?

He's waiting
for us in Boston.

I think it's about time
our little rich boy got his hands dirty.

So, tell me.

How was, uh, Mr. Wonderful?

This is getting really ridiculous,
Charlie, so just let it go.

You know, I turn my back
for one minute,

and you stick it
up my ass, literally.

For your information,
you stuck it in your own ass!

Oh, don't turn this
around on me, okay?

You're the one
that can't keep your legs closed.

Why are you doing this?

Because I like you!

What?

I like you.

I like you.

Well, you shouldn't, Charlie.

I'm just a ditz.

A ditz? What are
you talking about?

You're 27 years old. You're the
superintendent of a major golf resort.

Uh, yeah, well, I kind of fudged
my resume a little bit to get that job.

Oh?

Look, I don't know the first thing
about running a golf course, Charlie.

I'm a model.

- Huh?
- I moved to New York.

But none of it worked out,
so then I tried to be an actress.

I got this eating disorder
where I gained, like, 20 pounds.

That's not that bad.

- In a week.
- Oh.

So I kind of lost
my self-respect.

Before you know it, I had
70-year-old guys trying to support me,

and I just really didn't like
who I was becoming.

God, I've made so many mistakes.

Irene.

You didn't know
what Dickie was up to, did you?

I may be a ditz,
but I'm not a crook.

When we met
light was shed

Thoughts free flow
you said

You've got something

Deep inside of you

A wind chime voice sound

The sway of your hips
round rings true

- [Continues, Indistinct]
- My ass is really sore.

Echoes deep inside of you

[Continues]

Wow.

I never get tired
of hearing that.

Hey.

Oh, hey.
I'm looking for my friends.

A pretty little blonde
and a tall guy with a buzz cut.

- Cabin "E."
- Thanks a lot.

Shh. Don't make a sound.

I don't know anything, and that's
exactly what I told the police.

- I swear.
- Shut up, Irene! You just listen to me.

Maybe we can
work something out.

Time to face the music, Mozart.
And a-one, and a-two, and...

[Yowling]

Warden, I want my own cell.

Oh, great, you again.

- What tree did
this sap ooze out of?

It's Dickie.

- What tree did
this sap ooze out of?

It's Dickie.

- It's the guy who got me
into all this crap! Yeah.

Oh, your golf buddy?

- I hope he doesn't mind
if I play through.

Knock it off, Hank.

- Okay, turn around.
I'll play the back nine.

Stop it!

Come on, he couldn't have chewed up
the greens that badly.

- Get away from me!
- Whoa.

He hasn't played the course
in a long time, okay?

It was Charlie who was putting.

- Charlie?
- Yeah, that's right.

He might not be long off the tee, but
he's got a pretty good up and down game.

What the hell is that supp... Can we
just speak English for a second here?

I never wanted to sleep with you,
Hank, okay? You tricked me.

Yeah, that's right.
I did trick you.

It was deceitful.
It was disgusting and despicable.

But just this once,
try to look at it from my side.

- I was horny.
- Oh, God.

You are such an asshole!

Come on. Don't be mad,
my little pussy fart.

Now, I warned you
about that, buddy.

Warned me about what?

Charlie?

Uh-huh.

Providence, Rhode Island.
Ten-minute stop.

- Did you...
- What?

- What the hell is going on here?
- Hank was coming on to me again.

Hank? Damn it.

I am so sick of that guy.

Okay, Hank,
come on out here.

Let's settle this
the old-fashioned way. Come on!

I may not be tough, but, damn it,
I can get good and mad!

- Come on!
- Stop it, man. You're scaring me.

What's the matter with you?

Let's get off. Let's get off
before he wakes up. Come on.

I'm not through with you, buster.
I'm not through with you!

What's the matter, Hank? Afraid
to pick on someone your own size?

Are you okay?

What happened?

That was dirty.

All right. Come on.
Where are you?

Where are you?
Here I am.

Oh, you bastard.

[Grunting]

Stop it,
you're gonna kill him!

[Banging, Grunting Continue]

You're choking me.

Ow, ow, ow, ow. Charlie,
don't break it. Don't break it.

Get on your knees and beg me.
Up yours. I beg...

[Cracking]

On your feet, Opie.
We're gonna have some fun.

Irene.

Irene.

Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie
Baileygates. Wanna see my weasel?

[Screaming]

[Panting]

Free hot dogs here.
All you can eat.

Get your foot-long
and a bag of nuts.

No, don't listen to him!
It's not me. It's Hank.

Come back here, Hank.
I'm not through with you!

- [Yelling]
- [Laughing, Groaning]

Had enough? Up yours.

Stop it, you two!
Stop it!

It's Gerke!
Come on!

All right, Hank, truce.
For now, fucker.

[Man] Watch out!
He's got a gun!

I'll follow the girl.
You get Baileygates.

Police officer!
Everybody down!

Get down!

Ow!

Get out of the way.

[Panting]
Hank, we're shot.

Come on, you pussy.
It's just a flesh wound. Look.

[Screaming]

Look, there's
keys in the car.

No, I can't go on.

I think...
[Groaning]

I think I'm gonna faint.

[People Screaming]

Do you mean to say
that I gotta carry your sorry ass?

All right.

Come on, Rip Van Wussy.

Jesus, you're heavy.

Get in there.

[Folk Rock]

And we're gone.

Oh, shit!
Don't worry about him.

Hank, what have you done?

Oh, my God!
Don't you just love it.

It's a strange condition

A day in prison

- Move it.
- It's got me out of my head

And I don't know
what I came for

You are a sick pup.

Yeah, well, it takes one to know one.
What are you doing?

- Hank! [Grunting]
- [Honking]

Ever been bitch-slapped?

[Sobbing] I'm gonna kill you,
Hank, I swear to God.

Arrivederci, deadwood.
No!

'Cause I want to know

And it's a strange condition

A day in prison

You got me out of my head

And I don't know
what I came for

And I want you to know

[Whistling]

What the hell are you
still doing here?

You can't just throw me away, Hank.
We're in this together.

Pritchard.

Cover the other end.
I want Charlie arrested on sight.

[Punch Lands, Thud]

Hey, Irene.
You just keep walking now.

- [Tires Squealing]
- [Horn Honking]

Irene?

Irene?

Hold it, Baileygates.
You're coming with me.

- Not now, Finneran.
- Yes, now!

That was me.

Yeah, big deal. The guy's got
a glass jaw. Shut up, Hank!

- You know, you're so...
- Hank!

Hank!

Hey, let her go!

She asked for me, asshole.
Big deal.

Dickie, you know
I don't know anything.

Shut up, Irene.
It's too late.

Hank!

Hank!

- No way.
- Come on.

[Yelling]

- [Bridge Creaking]
- Oh, no, water.

Yeah, she's pretty much screwed.
Come on, I'll buy you a beer.

No, we're doing this.

[Grunting]

Hey.

Hank, what are you doing?
Give me the leg.

- Whoa! Hank, hurry!
- [Creaking]

This is my body!

Do you understand that?

I'm calling the shots
from now on, Hank.

I don't need you
to fight my battles for me.

If you can back down
from something this important,

you're nothing at all.

You're nothing at all!

[Creaking]

[Chuckling]
I got my leg back.

Oh, no. Hank!

I'm coming, Irene.

[Yells]

Hank! No!

It's okay, Irene.

Hank's gone.
It's me, Charlie.

Charlie?

Uh, maybe you should
go back and get help.

No, I can handle it.

I'm warning you, pal.
You're gonna get hurt.

- [Creaking]
- Be careful, Charlie.

- Just do what he says, Charlie.
- Back off, back off!

- Just turn around. Now!
- Take it easy, Dickie.

- Take it easy.
- [Creaking]

There's nowhere to go.

Come on, Dickie.

Give me the gun.

Come on. Come on.

That's it.
Nice and easy.

[Screaming]

[Screaming]

Where's my thumb?

That's kidnapping and assault.
You know that, don't you?

- Well, why stop there?
- No!

- [Grunts]
- Oh, God.

- Whitey!
- Rock 'n' roll!

[Screaming]

Irene?

Irene!

Irene!

Irene!

- Irene, Irene.
- What? What? Oh, my God. Ow.

[Helicopter Approaching]

[Moaning, Gurgling]

Keep going.
Bring it down, bring it down.

- Look at that.
- We're coming, Daddy.

We're coming, man.

It's my kids!

Come on, Daddy!
Grab a hold of that motherfucker, man!

[Hip-hop]

I always dance with a lady
gets me there every time

On the road to recovery, shit,
I think we missed the damn sign

[Continues, Indistinct]

So, how's my thumb
looking, Doc?

I'll let you know when I find it.

- Irene, Charlie.
- Hey.

- This is Agent Steve Parfitt, F.B.I.
Old friend.

Nice to see you.

You must be awfully
proud of these maniacs.

Oh, I am.

- Yeah, you know, we're proud
of this motherfucker too.

Oh. [Chuckling]

- It's good to see you're safe, Dad.
I'll tell you that.

Yeah.

[Narrator] The colonel informed them
that all the guilty parties...

had been apprehended.

Gerke was arraigned
at a Providence hospital,

and Agent Boshane had been arrested
at the train station in New London.

But Charlie Baileygates
had other things on his mind.

- Charlie, nicely done.
- Thanks, Sea Bass.

Hey, Whitey.
Listen, I just wanted to tell you...

that I really appreciate
everything you did for me.

I owe you a huge one.

And I'm truly sorry
that you had to kill again.

It must be really
messing with your head.

- I never killed anyone before.
- What?

Look, you were an admitted schizo
who was wanted for murder...

and you were laying in bed next to me
gabbin' like a 16-year-old girl

on the telephone.

You freaked me out, man.

But what about your family?
How did they die?

I never said they were dead.

I said they were gone.
They moved to Phoenix, the bastards.

Look at me. I wouldn't last
two minutes out in the desert.

Hey, your bandage is wet.

Oh, yeah?
Well, maybe it's time to come off.

I'm surprised
it's held on this long.

Hey, that's not so bad.

Hey, Daddy. We just wanted to say
that you... Holy shit.

Look, Daddy got
a goddamn butthole on his face.

- All Laughing]
- Oh, boy. Here we go.

He sure is
a Spartacus-lookin' motherfucker.

Hey, Daddy, man.
Look, man.

Now you can blow your nose
and wipe your ass at the same damn time.

You know what I'm saying?
Oh, shit.

- So.
- So.

How did your meeting
with the shrink go?

Oh, wonderful.
A clean bill of health.

- Yeah?
- Just another well-rounded individual.

That's great, Charlie.
I'm really happy for you.

Thank you.

Well, uh,

I hope if you're ever,
you know, around here,

you'll, uh,
come and visit us.

Yeah. Little Rhodie.

Biggest little state in the union.

Yeah.

Yeah.

- Oh, let me get that for you.
- Thanks.

- Hey, Irene.
- Yeah?

Maybe I could come
visit you sometime soon.

Promise?

You bet.

And that's the word
of a Rhode Island State Trooper, ma'am.

I found you sitting
on a suitcase crying

Beneath my feet

I feel the rumble
of a subway train

Yeah
I laugh out loud

'Cause it's the one thing
I hadn't been trying

The train came in breathless
the passengers restless

You said
baby, you'll never change

You gotta get gone

You gotta get going

Hey, the world
ain't slowing down

- You gotta be kidding.
- [Continues, Indistinct]

Hold it right there.

- Miss Waters.
- Yes?

- I'd like you to step
out of the car please.

What did I not do now?

We have reason to believe
this is a stolen vehicle.

What? No, no.

I rented this car.

Would you step
out of the car, please?

Great.

- Front of the car, please.
- Mm-hmm.

Hands on the hood.

- Spread your legs.
- That's great. Uh-huh.

- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.

Just following procedure, ma'am.

Oh, you guys.
You guys are beautiful.

Look, why don't we
just skip the trial?

Get right to it. You can lock me up
and keep me here forever.

That's what I had planned.

Oh, Charlie.

[All Cheering]

It sounds like a song
it hits you like scripture

You paint the picture

With colors squeezed
from your hand

Weren't you the kid

Who just climbed
on the merry-go-round

It's gonna be raining
wine and roses tonight.

I'll tell you one thing. It's gonna be
raining my motherfuckin' cookies...

if this motherfucker don't
stop this turbulence shit.

- That's what the fuck I'm talking about.
- Come on, man.

[Narrator] Well, that's
Charlie's story, and I'm sticking to it.

They all moved in together
and lived as one big happy family...

Charlie and Irene, the guys,

even that nice
albino fella, Whitey.

And I'm happy to report
Charlie got promoted to Lieutenant...

in the greatest
law enforcement agency in the land,

the Rhode Island State Police.

Yeah, it was
a regular slice of Americana.

Y'all come back now. Thanks
for watchin' our motherfuckin' movie.

You gotta get gone
you gotta get going

Hey, the world ain't
slowing down for no one

- It's a carnival
calling out to you

[Mooing]

It's calling out to you

It sounds like a song
it hits you like scripture

You paint the picture

With colors squeezed
from your hand

Weren't you the kid
who just climbed on the merry-go

[Continues]

Okay, everybody.
The water temperature is 63 degrees.

Pop's thumb should be all right
if we find it within the next six hours.

- You sure about that?
- Do the math, motherfucker.

- Damn.
- Geez.

- Hey, I think I found it.
- What?

- False alarm.
- Oh, damn, Whitey.