Original subtitles

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(whispers) she's my age.

Do you really think she's gonna buy this place?

I'm gonna show you how to close on a 28-year-old.

Hey, beth, let me break this down for you, okay?

You're young, you got a good career going.

You look like you're ready to leap into adulthood.

But that's hard to do when you still have to label your food

So your "roomie" doesn't steal it. So true.

It's like she doesn't get

What "bitch, don't touch my pizza rolls" means. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Beth, don't you feel like your grown-up life should start here? Mm.

I mean, I could see you drinking wine over there

After you got engaged

Or sitting quietly on the balcony after your mom dies.

(under breath) why'd I go so dark?

(normal voice) well, I can't help it,

Because this place is real.

I mean, this is a home. This is your home.

Yeah. Yes.

Plus, they redid the carpet,

Since the previous owner was brutally murdered.

Yeah, lots of blood. What?

(laughs) look at jenny jokester.

(under breath) what the hell are you doing? (whispering) jules, I want this place.

Real? I wanna be a grown-up so bad.

Oh, my god. It's finally happened.

I'm so proud of you. (squeals)

(door rattles) why is this cupboard locked?

(whispering) that's where they found the head. Oh.

Yeah. Horrible.

Oh, what up, reading glasses?

You get those for your 1,000th birthday? You are the only one

That finds my deteriorating eyesight amusing. Nuh-unh. Come on, j-bird.

What'd we use to call ellie when she had that fake tan?

Uh, thin? Beautiful?

I- I-I don't remember.

Chester cheetah. Blammo! (laughs)

You were orange.

I was glowing.

Oh, ease up, ellie.

We're friends. Friends zing each other!

Oh! We are not friends.

Human beings cannot be friends with chimps. Sure, they can.

My buddy darryl was best friends with his chimp binky. That's true. Until binky turned 6,

And then he got angry onday and ripped off darryl's nards. Yeah, they're still friends,

But they're just not best friends.

(cell phone rings) hello?

What up, "grey's anatomy"? (horn honks in distance)

Great show, by the way. Not ashamed to say it. You're preachin' to the choir.

Anyway, what's up? I just won 200 bucks in my basketball pool, baby.

What should we do? How about you come over here,

And we'll pay off your giant bar tab? (laughs) come on, man.

That tab's not real. It's just numbers.

Right now, you can consider that money mine.

Oh, man!

(cans rattle, loud bang)

Hello?

Hi.

(laugh hey.

Whew! Sorry, ma'am. I just- I'm holding a lot of cash,

And I thought you were about to roll me. You thought right.

Oh, fudge. (whack)

Thanks again for goingver my finances with me.

No problem.

You buy a lot of tuna melts and breath mints.

It's a vicious cycle.

(chuckles) laurie, you are way too old

To have pictures of actors on your folder.

Ooh, but look at his abs. If he was, like, two years older...

(clicks tongue) all right, fine. Five years.

Try 20. Is he 8?

No. Zac efron turned 22 on October 18th.

What? I googled him last night.

Why?

Mrs. Zac efron.

No reason.

Anyway, laurie, you can absolutely afford this condo.

There's just one problem.

Your credit sucks.

You can still get a loan.

You just need someone to co-sign.

Oh, no, no, no. No. Sweetie, I love you,

But I'd be watching every dime you spend.

I'd be like your mom, and I so don't want that.

You're my younger sister. I'm your slightly older sister.

(laurie and andy click tongues) oh, just let me have it, guys.

(laughs)

Hey, trav.

You know how you said yoneeded money to take kylie out?

Well, I will pay you to yank this off.

I tried the other arm, and I almost blacked out.

Mnh-mnh. Come on. Drop the hammer for mama

Mom, there's gotta be a line somewhere, doesn't there?

I mean, you're with me, right?

(rip) ow! Wow.

I enjoyed that. Great. I'll see you every nine days.

This couldn't get weirder.

I'm keeping this. Standing corrected.

(cell phone rings)

(beep) oh. Hey, bobby.

Robbed?

All right, here you go, honey.

I want to kill the bastard who hurt you!

I- I don't care if they throw me in jail. I don't.

Sorry, babe. I'm ready to throw my life away over this.

I know, boo boo. What if you had been killed?

I mean, travis wouldn't have a father.

I- I could not handle that. I mean, sure, I'd get

A lot of sympathy, and that would be nice.

Ooh, probably a lot of random hugs from total strangers.

Oh, why does someone have to die for me to get random hugs?

Doesn't seem fair. No.

Well, you're taking this pretty well.

So are you, since it was your money that got stolen. Excuse me?

You said consider that money yours, ergo, you got robbed. I love hillbilly logic.

That's not how it works.

Somebody tell him that that's not how it works.

So did you get a look at the guy? Yeah, he had pretty lips.

Wh- I kinda got mugged by a chick.

Did she have a knife? No.

A gun? A bat? Anything scary? No. No. No. Nope.

You let an unarmed girl take my money?

Oh! Y'all heard that, right? He said his money.

Yeah, crystal clear. Oh, we heard it. Legally binding.

Now you chime in? Well, now it's fun.

Just to let you know,

For the next few days, I plan on being indisposed.

I'm going to my- all right, freeze.

I don't want to hear your sex stories.

Because of you, I still can't use yoga mats at the gym

Or eat chocolate-covered anything.

I'm just going back to my dermo.

That's right, cher. Barb's gonna turn back time.

Hello? May I help you?

No one was here so I thought I'd just do a little snoopin'. I'm gonna need more than that.

Now why do you he a post-it here that says "I'm awesome"? Because I am.

All right, listen,

You need to get your crazy ass out of here right now,

Or I'm gonna call plaza security,

And they're gonna rollerblade right over here

In, like, 40 minutes. And if you try anything,

I'm gonna stab you in the neck with this clicky pen. (pen clicks)

Hi, mom.

Mom?

Whew. You're lucky. (pen clicks)

Transcript by MY-SUBS.com

So, mom, I haven't seen you

Since you ran off with that doctor.

I heard he got busted for feing up old ladies.

He got off.

It was a classic case of "he said/they all said."

Let me say that your daughter laurie is-is just amazing.

She really is.

She's my friend and-well, hell, you're more than my friend.

Shut up!

Are you two lesbians? Which one's the dude?

(laughs) we're not lesbians, mom!

I mean, she'd be the dude. What?

Oh, come on.

I could totally see us dating. We'd be like ellen and portia.

I call portia. I call portia.

So did you talk to your mom about co-signing for the condo?

Not yet,

But, hey, thanks for jumping in.

Wow. I'm sorry. I- I'm-I'm gonna leave you two.

(chuckles) okay.

Oh, my god. Laurie, your butt looks amazing in those jeans.

(mouths word) bye, ellen.

I'm gonna be portia.

Are you still grouchy about my alleged tab?

Oh! Head fake!

(high-pitched voice) good-bye, delicious beer!

Oh! (makes slurping sounds)

Mmm! Hmm!

That's hateful.

I felt bad about you getting mugged,

So I bought you some stuff.

A rape whistle

To help you ward off other scary lady muggers...

Some of that yogurt that makes old gals poop...

At stuff really works. Like, boom! (chuckles)

And some tampons.

Ooh! Awesome!

Hey, if I puthese in the machine in the ladies' room,

Can I get some nachos? (scoffs)

How are you not embarrassed? Sorry, ellie. Can't be done.

It's true. This is a guy whose main goal in life

Is to party so hard he craps his pants in every country.

I already knocked off america and mexico.

(chuckles) mexico was easy.

(mutters) that's nice.

(doorbell rings)

Hello?

Barb?

I responded to your ad for an errand boy?

(barb) there's money and a list on the table.

When you return, knock like this...

Then wait 80 seconds for me to return to the shadows.

Are you gonna murder me?

I've done things to myself,

Things your sweet young eyes shouldn't see.

This is weird.

So my mom can't co-sign. Her job's not going great.

What does she do? She pretends that people back their cars into her.

Whatever.

It's just not the right time for me to buy a condo.

My mom's in crazy debt,

That's your money. You tell your mom - just gonna help her get back on her feet. Okay, could we just maybe not laurhave this conversation

In front of everyone? All right, don't feel weird.

We all have our embarrassing family members.

Hello!

That wasn't a coincidence.

I was out back waitin' for an entrance line.

My dad drank himself to death. That's not embarrassing. That's horrible.

He peed his pants a lot. That's a little funny.

(laughs) my brother was a cheerleader,

And he wears kimonos all the time. So you have a gay brother. Big deal.

Rick's not gay! He's got a taffy shop up in vermont

With his roommate steve.

(gasps) oh. He is gay. You think?

Oh. That's cool.

The point is, we all have that relative,

But you cannot get sucked up in their craziness.

They will take you down with them. Jules, it's my mom.

Honey, just please try to stay out of this, okay?

Yeah, but-

No "yeah buts." just promise.

Yeah, but...

Mm. All right, fine. I- I promise.

Thank you.

(coin clinks) ohh!

(coin clinks)

(both, high-pitched voice) ♪ penny can! ♪

(normal voice) oh, grayson, you're gonna love

The new nny can rule bobby made.

You have to sing when someone makes it. I don't care. You know what?

We're gonna pay off your bar tab today one way or another.

You gotta have something on here that's worth something.

Does this work? Works as a container for old envelopes.

And if you're puttin' on a play, it makes a good prop toaster. (coin clinks)

(all, high-pitched voice) ♪ penny can! ♪

(normal voice) you're right. I love it.

You know, bobby, the, uh, mugger-

She's got your wallet so she knows where ya live.

Don't you worry. I got protection.

To scare off intruders, I bought a barking dog cd.

(coin clanks)

Ooh, rim shot.

Aah! Ow!

New rim shot rule. I like it.

Ooh! H!

Let's go.

Oh.

Hi, sheila.

It's nice to, um... Hello.

I'm having a "me" day- new clothes, new makeup.

Lookie, permanent eyeliner. You can touch it. No, no. I trust you.

No, no, it's not goin' anywhere. Okay, p-please let me stop.

So you're laurie's mom. I'm ellie.

Are you a friend of laurie's, too? I'm ellie.

You have nice hair. See ya.

Well, she's not that bad.

Oh, come on. She is out spending laurie's money.

I think laurie would want me to say something.

Well, I'm gonna do it. Put the brows down.

(rhythmic knocks on door)

Entre.

(door creaks)

(pills rattling) got your painkillers.

My will is fading.

I'm sure it's not bad. Let me see.

No!

Innocence should be lost in the bedroom...

Or on a commercial cruise liner.

I can handle it. Promise.

Be kind.

Uhh! (thud)

(loud bang)

Hello? Someone out there?

Okay, I got a vicious dog. Don't I, boy?

(dog barking to tune of "jingle bells")

(whispers) damn.

(door creaks)

(grunts)

Aah!

(purring)

(laughs) aah!

Give me all your money! What the heck?

(grayson, andy and ellie laugh and scream) aah! Ohh!

I don't like when people scare me! It makes me feel dumb. (dog continues barking)

Dumb like embarrassed?

I think you couldn't be embarrassed.

(grunts)

Why are there dogs singing christmas carols?

That's a fancy oven.

How'd you get someone to buy it for you?

You must have a sugar coochie.

I might have a sugar coochie, but I paid for that oven.

Why'd you ask me over here?

Look, laurie is in a place in her life right now

Where she can stand on her own two feet.

I know as a mom you-you don't want to get in the way of that.

You have no right to judge me. I raised her.

I paid for perms,

Candy cigarettes, real cigarettes.

She owes me. Now I'm gettin' mine.

You know, I don't normally say mean things. I think them.

I write them on scrap pieces of paper

And put them in my purse.

I read them at night to the mirror

And pretend I actually am saying them.

But with you, I'm making an exception.

Now there is only one good mom standing in this room,

And her middle name is, unfortunately, kiki.

It's a long, sad story.

Uh, the-the point is, you're a horrible mom. Jules!

You promised.

Yeah, but...

Oh, crap.

It's not my fault, laurie.

I- I was being nice, but then she stepped to me in my kitchen.

Nice try... Kiki. (whispers) don't you dare.

I love laurie,

Even if her being born was the reason her daddy left. Who says that?

It's true. Daddy got his, though.

Never got reelected state treasurer again.

Who's laughin' now, real wife and kids?

See, laurie's already got me,

So stop trying to be her mom. We've already been over this.

I'm more like her slightly older sister. (clicks tongue)

Oh, what the hell? Is this a family gesture? I'm outta here.

Laurie, are you coming?

I'm sorry, jules.

Uh, so I gotta get my niece home

Because I never cleared it with her parents.

You all right, princess? Hey, hit the bricks.

Ha ha!

I get why she's picking on me. But you?

My guys? My murdoch and face?

Until you pay your tab, I have no loyalty to you.

Huh.

What about you, face?

Hos he face? He isn't...

Ellie thought it would be good for me

To see you knocked off your pedestal.

Andy. I forgive you, brother.

How's he face?

You can open your eyes.

I don't think I can. Stop being such a baby.

A chemical peel is nothing more than

A second-degree burn induced by concentrated acid.

You look like a grape.

Does it hurt? Like a thousand sons of bitches.

Barb...

I'm so sorry.

(whispers) thanks, kiddo.

Hey.

I know you probably don't want to ever see me again

After yesterday, but I-I wanted to come in, so...

What are you talking about?

Hey, I got us some doughnuts.

What's wrong?

(voice breaks) I can't believe you don't hate me.

Hate you?

Oh, my god, that is so sad.

Well, now you're gonna make me cry, too.

Oh, crap. I think I just wt it too much.

(laughs)

Look, that's your mom.

Yeah. I'm on your side. I love you.

You are so supportive and amazing.

And... Wait.

That was your whole strategy, wasn't it?

To be so super nice

That I-I would just handle this the way that you wanted me to,

To make you happy. (chuckles) it's pretty genius, isn't it?

(laughs)

I made you dance.

(making clicking sounds) (speaking indistinctly)

(laughs) I don't get it. You don't let anyone walk over you.

♪♪♪♪

That I wasn't good enough to do...

Well, anything.

Plus, she fights dirty. I mean, she knows

The exact place to punch a person to make them throw up.

It's actually really badass.

No matter what, I'm with you.

Okay, now come here.

Oh! (chuckles) (chuckles)

(gasps)

Tears.

I've got it!

Oh!

Why are you following me? Well, I don't work,

So I thought I'd spend the day drinking in your embarrassment.

It's so delicious. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Don't do that.

A woman in there thinks she can tell my daughter how to act.

Lady, just-just chill out, all right? (exhales deeply)

Puke punch.

Ohh! (gags)

Whoa! God, it's gonna come up!

What the hell are you doing?!

Oh, don't bother me. Oh!

Oh! You-are you crazy?!

(sighs) there have been so many times in my life

That I've wanted to stand up to her.

Gosh, do you think she at all wants to be a better person? (ellie grunting)

(gasps) holy crap!

All right, come on, bitch! I'm begging ya!

W- what-what are you, (gasps) a latin king?!

Mom, what the hell are you doing?!

I saw you hugging that woman.

"that woman" happens to be my family.

And so are they. Well, you know, he is, anyway.

(groans) oh, does it ever stop?

(vomits)

God, I love you, but I'm so sick of your crap.

Look, when you're ready to be with me for me

And not because you need something like...

(scoffs) money or urine for your parole officer,

I will be right here.

You win. I hope you're happy.

(laughs) oh, yeah, because that's what this is all about.

(sighs)

♪

Go ahead, jules. Yes!

(laughs)

Man, andy, you should've seen your wife.

She's a fighter. (chuckles)

Yeah. She always wins when we sex wrestle.

Really? Oh, come on. I can share that.

It's not like we wear masks or anything.

Well, I don't.

♪

Hey, you know what I just realized, ellie?

You took the time to pull a prank on me

And you had my back in a fight.

That's friends stuff. We're friends again, aren't we? (gasps)

Andy, out.

♪

I don't want him wetting the floor.

Say we're fries.

Look, since you and jules got divorced,

I have noticed some changes.

I think you're a good father.

I think you're trying to be a less ridiculous person.

So fine, maybe we're closer to being...

I'm you're friend.

Yes, you're my friend.

Yes! Ah, ha ha!

Oh, ho! I am alive again!

Oh, I see stars! Oh!

Don't peek.

Don't peek. (laughs)

All right. Surprise!

Honey, if you want me to work over the weekend,

You just have to ask.

No, these are the closing papers on your condo.

- I co-signed your loan. - Jules!

No, it's too much.

No, no, honey, I wanted to. Thank you.

(laughs) ndy) it's over!

(jules and laurie) aah! It's over! Oh, the feud has ended!

Oh, ho ho!

They're friends again! Ha ha ha!

It's over! Yes!

I'm sorry, barb.

I don't know what spanx are,

But I know I don't want to help you put yours own.

Oh okay, bye.

(sighs) you know why I feel sorry for her?

Because she's all alone.

I mean, she's got kids of her own,

But she won't ask them for help

Because she's not comfortable feeling vulnerable around them.

Let's never let that be us, okay?

It's time again. Oh, please, god, no.

Grayson's not home.

And you don't have to pull them off.

Just hold on to the tape, and I'll run away. (sighs deeply)

One...

Two...

(loud rip) ow!

Ugh! Ugh! (cries and whines)

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