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Oh, my god, that bag is soaked with grease.

I'll tell you right now, I don't care what's in it.

I'm eatin' it. It's a human head.

Well, if it's deep-fried, I'm still in.

oh, travis, this is my favorite fried chicken!

Oh, wow!

Wait. Why?

Are you on drugs? Is someone pregnant? Huh?

Oh, god. You know what, travis?

No matter what it is, honey, we are gonna get through it.

Whenever they open a new chicken dandies,

The first 50 people in line get free food for a month.

So after waiting behind a large gentleman for 20-plus hours

Who was using a paint bucket as a both a chair and a commode,

You're looking at customer number three.

How did you wait in line so long without missing school?

Waffle fry?

Did you really call travis in sick from school

So you two could wait in line for free chicken?

Shoot. I forgot to call his school, didn't I?

Wow, you're still not great at zoning in on why I'm angry.

Look, in my defense, I just ate a gallon jug of free coleslaw.

My brain's a little mayonnaise-y.

Bobby, when it comes to travis, you have to talk to me first.

I know we're divorced,

But we still have to do all of our parenting together, okay?

We're a team. Fine, but I get to pick the team mascot.

Coleslaw!

Wait, let me try that again.

You're still stuck on coleslaw. Won't get out of my head.

Where's jules?

Andy and I are going on a romantic couples lunch,

And I want her to come with us.

She's across the street getting a pedicure.

Ooh, I love that she's doing that.

It's nothing weird. I just like feet.

(lowers voice) and asians. Charming.

Wait here. I'm gonna go to that lingerie store

And pick out what you're buying me for valentine's day.

Get sexy panties. I love panties!

Panties and feet.

All right. Oh, do you know what panties are?

They're a type of clothes that most women wear

Under their skirts.

Pass.

So... What are you doing for valentine's day?

You know that guy smith I'm dating? Nope.

Doesn't matter.

He's driving home from law school.

He wants me to meet his dad. Isn't that romantic?

That depends on what you three are doin'.

Feet, panties, asians and threesomes.

Lettin' it all out today.

My cousin runs a web site that you'd really be into.

There's actually a picture on there

Of my bare feet dripping in honey. You're honey toes?

Yeah. Oh, my god! You are.

This whole dad thing just has me so nervous.

Andy!

Sorry. You'll be fine.

Just do what I did when I first met ellie's folks--

Be yourself, only less latino.

Oh, look. There's a little old bird's nest on the windowsill.

Oh, hey, did you ever have that conversation with andy

About doing some downstairs man grooming?

Didn't have to. I signed him up for an eyebrow wax,

Which is really a bikini wax.

Andy will be so turned on by all the screaming koreans,

He won't know what hit him until he's sliding around our bed

Like a canned ham. I'm not really big on the manscaping.

You don't husk the corn? Nah. If it's humid, I might throw in

A little leave-in conditioner down the.

Anyway, thanks for the coffee

And the really weird personal conversation. (ellie and jules) bye.

You have let too many people into our coffee circle.

Why don't you just invite

Those creepy homeschooled kids from next door?

They canow us with math skills while they stab us to death. Fine. Who do you want to be in our coffee circle?

Just you and me. This is our shopping circle argument all over again.

So, mom, since we have a relationship

Professionals have deemed "unhealthy"... (chuckles) they have.

That's cute. David schoenburger's having a party this weekend.

Are-- no, his parents won't be there.

Will-- yes, there will be beer, but I won't be drinking.

How are you gonna say no?!

This is ridiculous!

What just happened?

It's called parenting, ellie. Try and keep up.

Jules.

May I present...

Smith frank.

Wow. You're, uh, you're even prettier than laurie said.

Strong start, smith.

Even though he dresses like an accountant,

Check this out-- whbam! Crazy socks!

We feel these say I can still get funky.

Well, it's business upstairs and party downstairs. I like it.

(chuckles) wow, you seem perfect. Right?

I mean, almost too perfect. What's your dirty secret, smith?

I will not be questioned by a woman.

Oh, my god. That was-- that was... Funnier in my head.

Um, I'm--I'm sorry. That was--

Yeah, I'm feeling a little nauseous,

So I think I'm gonna, um... (clears throat) sit.

I like him. Me, too!

Tell henderson that I think that

A zero-down commercial re-fi in a cratering economy

Is a slam dunk idea!

Whoa. That is some grade "a" smart guy gibberish.

And look at this office.

If I ever I sold my boat, I could live here.

No. (laughs) okay, I was just thinking out loud, brother.

Man, you are like the big dog

With low-hanging fruit around here, aren't you? Watch this.

Paul! Yes, sir?

(grunts)

See? That's work andy.

He's sexy. Is that how you bagged ellie?

Work andy also makes a lot of dough.

Gotcha. Hey, you want to go grab lunch?

Sorry. I gotta prep for a meeting tomorrow.

Big potential client.

If I manage this guy's money, it would be a career changer.

(cell phone rings) oh! That's ellie.

She's helping me stay focused on what's important.

Hey, honey. I want a new car!

(beep) it's nice to have someone in my corner.

Well, this isn't going to go well for me, is it?

For you? No. For me? (kisses) delicious.

In this picture,

You appear to be in a moving car with a beer in both hands.

Fun! I'm not driving.

Oh, so I can drink as long as I'm not driving.

You're twisting my words. You're a word twister.

Ellie, he's a word twister. The hypocritical photo album.

Keep looking, travis. You'll find out'

Why she named your hamsters "jager" and "meister." you with beer.

You doing shots.

Ooh! Cigarettes!

Were those as cool as they look?

Sometimes. You're probably right not to let mgo to the party.

I mean, you were allowed to have fun as a kid.

And now you can't even go one ght without a glass of wine.

Yes, I can. Okay, how about tonight?

Well, I can't do it tonight. It's Wednesday. Tomorrow.

No, I can't do it tomorrow. And then it's the weekend,

And then, well, that's just crazy talk.

Um, how about I don't drink for a night

Starting Monday morning? Mrs. Torres, are you gonna be around later

If I want to do an intervention? My speech is already written.

All right, fine! I'll do it tonight. Good luck.

I don't need luck, travis. Mmm! Mmm!

Oh, give it to me.

Really? Two seconds?

What? I'm still drinking it.

Well, enjoy the day,

Knowing you've taken what little social life I have

And murdered it.

I'm not in the mood for the 'tude, dude.

Rhyme-five. Thank you. All right.

You're incredibly annoying.

Thanks, sweetie. Love you.

So what are you and andy doing for valentine's day?

Then we watch the forgetful husbands panic.

There is nothing better than watching a man

Buying a bar mitzvah card trying to change

The star of david into a heart. (laughs)

Laurie has plans, too. What about you?

Who's the lucky young girl off your boink list

That gets the golden ticket? On valentine's day?

None of them. That would imply caring. Wrong message.

You know what I just realized?

You're gonna be the mistake that all those girls learn from.

Yeah. I do it for them.

Well, you know, you and I could hang out.

You know, just as friends. You know, we can drink some beers,

Make fun of how lame valentine's day is.

But not too much

Because it's the most beautiful holiday god ever created.

It's a fake holiday created by candy companies

To prey on sad and lonely women. (singsongy) hello.

Ahh. He's gonna be here any minute.

Oh, hey, relax.

You wearing those lucky boxers I got you?

Wiener dogs and balloons!

Yeah, baby! (laughs) (laughs)

(intercom beeps) (man) mr. Frank is here.

Uh, all right.

Uh, wait 12 seconds and then send him in. Thank you.

All right.

Confidence dance.

Boom! Go get 'em, champ.

Ah, mr. Frank. Pleaseome on in.

Robert "bobby" cobb. Another one of andrew's clients here.

Tell henderson I think that

A zero-down commercial re-fi in a cratering economy

Is a slam dunk idea. But assuminge debt prohibits a positive cash flow,

Wouldn't you say?

I gotta pee.

You know, um,

Having christmas lights up six weeks after christmas

Is actually dangerous. How so?

Because if you don't take them down, I'm gonna feed them to you

And then yank them out the other end

Like I'm starting a lawn mower. I love our little talks.

When I'm in the treadmill looking out the window,

They're driving me insane. I don't even turn 'em on. How can you see 'em?

I know they're there. I'll take 'em down. Okay. It's no biggie.

It is a huge biggie. You're in our coffee circle now,

And ellie considers herself alpha dog.

If you give in, she's gonna dominate you forever.

You just make all the rules

About parties and drinking without talkin' to me?

What happened to parenting as team coleslaw?

Have fun with that. Now we're even.

Travis, we'll never be even.

Do I need to show you my scar from my c-section?

It's got a hair growing in it now.

Come on, it's not that gross. Yeah, it is.

(strained voice) knocked the wind out of me. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. There's two of them.

I like your club.

Thank you.

Tell me, am I the, uh,

First hispanic person ever to set foot in here? Is the rock hispanic?

No, but he can pass for anything.

That's why his career is on fire. (chuckles)

Dad.

Smith. Laurie.

Andy? Roger.

Yeah, I know I just said my own name.

I like the sound of it.

Plus, we haven't m. Roger frank.

Oh. (chuckles) laurie keller.

That explains why my gift said "for girl age 6 to 10."

Who wants a giant drink?

I do! Yeah, that'd be great. Thank you.

Yes, I decided that our underage son can't drink.

But to be fair, I didn't me up that rule. America did.

You think by just telling him "no," he's not gonna do it?

Hell, jules, your parents told you not to sleep with me. Yeah, even after we were married.

You're just creating a-- really? Yeah.

Look, you're juscreating a situation

Where travis will be so afraid to g caught

He won't call for a ride home if he's been drinkin'. Do you have a better idea?

Maybe I do, but you might not like it. So first...

Confidence dance!

Jules?

(groans) I hate that I have to do it with you. Me on.

So you never answered me about valentine's day.

Come on, we could hang out like two guys

And drink beer and have a farting contest.

That's what guys do when they're alone, right? That's what I do with my friends.

So what else can we do on our un-valentine's day?

Why don't we just skip it? Okay, well, that's one idea.

But, you know, let's keep spitballing.

Any other day but today. Is that okay? Sure. It's no big deal.

Oh! Oh, god.

What are you doing?!

Mrs. Ellie tell me take them down the lights.

Alpha dog.

Hey. Let's eat quick so we can go home and knock one out.

I like that I never wonder what y're thinking.

(laurie) I know. Hmm.

I guess a quarter- of-a-million-dollar education

Doesn't teach you not to bed down trailer trash, right?

Well...

Uh, a quarter-million dollars.

Oh, think of how many of those watches you could've bought. One.

Stunning, really.

She looks like she belongs on a truck's mud flap.

You know, when I was a kid, you know, whenever I saw a truck,

I'd always, you know... (imitates horn hon

(laughs) I was-- I like trucks.

You don't agree that smith is way out of her league?

No. No, no, no. I-I-I--I'm--I'm with you.

I-I agree.

Uh. That...

That girl is not classy.

Do you know hoold I was

The first time I got really drunk?

I don't know. 9?

Ha! Trick question.

Never been really drunk. I have a monster tolerance.

The point is-- nod, there is no point to that story.

All right, the completely new thought is,

Your mom doesn't want you drinking. Neither do I.

But you're gonna do what you do, so here's the deal.

If you drink, do not drive.

Call me, and I'll drive you home. No questions asked.

Does mom know about this? Our secret. You cool with that?

Totally cool. What's totally cool?

Jazz. Sharks.

Jazz sharks? Yeah, you know, the, uh, the basketball team.

Yeah, the miami jazz sharks.

I guess that's cool.

Jazz sharks!

Ooh. Yeah, I do like it.

She could look that up. She's not going to.

Oh, hey. Happy valentine's day, trav.

Okay, for my present, I want you to give me

The same thing you gave me when you were 5.

I want a kiss on the lips. Raise your hand if you find that disturbing.

Only you, my friend.

Oh, man, I can't believe

All the stupid stuff we did when I was a kid.

I mean, it's amazing that we didn't die.

I alst drowned when I was 12, bodysurfing under the pier.

I was technically dead for, like, two minutes.

Luckily, no brain damage.

Too easy.

I know that travis thinks I'm overprotective.

But that's all that parenting really is,

Is just trying to keep your kid from dying.

When he was a baby, it was soft spots and swimming pools.

And when he's 50,

It'll be heart attacks and russian prostitutes.

No, I'm not joking. One got my uncle.

What happened?

Why are you in the ball of dness?

To suck up to roger frank,

I said some really mean things abt a nice person.

But you don't do stuff like that. I do.

That's why we're known as the nice guy and the other one.

You don't have to change who you are to get ahead, andy.

Who'd you trash? Laurie.

Laurie?! You tricked me!

Ball back up and think about what you just did! Oh!

Are you mad because we're not hanging out tonight?

No, I'm good. All good in the hood.

It's just that I haven't spent one alone since I was 11.

That's when the girls showed up.

I've had 30 straight years of being a valentine's day winner,

And, well, now I'm not, and...

That's why this one's gonna suck.

All right, let's see if this thing works.

Hello, ellie!

Son of a bitch!

Did you ow in french,

"valentine" means "to gebuck naked"?

(chuckles) would you like to see me valentine, doris?

You said there was free chicken.

Hello?

I only had, like, three beers. I wasn't even gonna drink,

But dave schoenburger went to robotics camp, and-- this some kind of nerd party?

No. (chuckles)

Anyway, dave brought out his beer-serving robot--

Hey, we've all been there, buddy.

All right, we'll get your mom's car tomorrow.

Now I want you to sneak in the back

While I create a distraction doing trash raccoons. Trash raccoons?

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go!

I was married to your dad for 20 years.

You think I don't know trash raccoons?

Let me smell your breath. Mnh-mnh.

Have you ever gone against everything you stand for

Just for money? Many, many times.

Smith's dad told me what you said about me.

"not classy," huh?

I thought we were friends, andy.

I am so sorry. You know what? Hit me. I deserve it.

Just not in the crotch 'cause I wanna have another kid.

Ellie doesn't know that so please don't say anything.

All right, go ahead. Wait. Go ahead.

We're totally kidding, dude. Ah. That was not a strong moment for you.

No, for him, that was okay. So we're--we're all good then?

Andy, I get that you're being

All business chummy with his dad.

I am so not offended.

Plus, honey, I have been called way worse--

Skank, tramp, white devil.

I liked that one so much I put it on my license plate.

Hey, grayson. Here's your bush.

Hey, honey! (blows kiss) hi--hey, babe.

You're grounded. No car and a curfew.

And say good-bye to your little swimsuit calendar.

Why?

Well, it's not part of the punishment.

It's just obvious. Dude, don't be that guy. (exhales deeply) whatever.

"whatever"?! Did you just "whatever" me? Really?

Hey, how did you get home tonight?

Tell me you didn't drive. I dint.

Well, then how'd you get home?

Have I looked at these long enough

For you to believe that I checked them over?

I didn't bring my reading glasses. Very convincing, sir.

Excellent. Let's seal the deal with a toast.

Uh, mr. Frank, I need to clear the air about something.

I said some really mean things

About the young woman your son is seeing, and they aren't true.

Laurie is actually a, uh, a great girl with a big heart.

And you should be happy smith is with her.

I'm waiting for the punch line.

Yeah. Uh, there-- there is no punch line.

But I can only hope you'll respect me a little bit more

For being truthful.

You're not even gonna let me finish my steak, are ya? No.

Come on!

Sorry, dad. Mom's gonna crush you.

Don't woy about it, okay? Our deal still stands.

You always call if you need me.

Thank you. (jules) travis.

I need to talk to your dad.

Bobby, I cannot believe...

(lowered voice) we pulled this off! Oh, my god!

(normal voice) your plan worked!

I stick to my rule--drinking equals massive punishment...

But if he does drink, I drive him home, keep him alive.

Wait, doesn't he know you're always gonna rat him out to me

Before you go pick him up? Nope. He thinks I'm his buy. Kid's a dope. (laughs)

Bobby cobb, you're a genius.

Hey, that's the first time you called me a genius

Without being ke, "way to go, nius."

Well, I think that this event--

Like any event in life, good or bad--

Calls for a glass of wine. Okay?

Ooh, rain check, j-bird. I got plans.

It's valentine's day, for god sake.

I forgot.

"it's valentine's day." eh.

I felt so bad that I got you this

It's gonna grow to be exactly like your old bush.

You know, in a thousand years.

Until then, just consider it a friendly reminder

That it's just much easier to do what I want you to do.

Thank you.

(gasps) oh! I got you something, too.

Oh. You're pretty proud of yourself, aren't ya?

It's beautiful!

aaa bbb

Merry valentine's day!

Look what you did. I figured it wouldn't be so bad

To spend tonight with a few friends.

Plus, ellie's here.

You'll get yours, my friend. And, you-- I am so sorry I blew it.

I am so proud of you. Don't tell anyone.

Now who wants champagne? (travis) I do.

Get back in your room, travis.

Thanks for doing this.

No problem.

Okay, time to get real.

You don't like me, and I don't like you. Correct? Absolutely.

I don't like him either.

Smith, don't disrespect your father. It's not sexy.

Well, is this sexy?

What?

(gasps) it is valentine's day, right?

(gasps) smith! Oh, my god!

No! You...

it's tight.

Oh! I... I... I can't...

I... (grunts)

Dad? It was-- it was just a joke!

I know. She warned me.

Why? I thought this would be funnier.

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