Original subtitles

GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE.

I'VE INVENTED A DEVICE WHICH ALLOWS YOU

TO OPERATE EQUIPMENT FROM GREAT DISTANCES.

I CALL IT THE FINGLONGER.

OBSERVE.

AND... HERE WE GO...

THERE.

[ All Gasping ]

PRETTY LONG, EH?

YEAH, IT'S REALLY LONG

BUT WHAT DID YOU JUST TURN ON WITH IT?

OH, THAT'S JUST THE WHAT-IF MACHINE I INVENTED.

YOU POSE IT A "WHAT IF" QUESTION

AND IT GENERATES A VIDEO SIMULATION OF WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.

DOES IT REALLY WORK?OF COURSE IT WORKS.

IT'S JUST NOT VERY LONG.

OOH, OOH, I WANT TO AXE IT A QUESTION.

AS A ROBOT LIVING AMONG HUMANS

I'VE NEVER REALLY FELT ACCEPTED AT PARTIES

OR NUDE BEACHES.

SO, I'VE ALWAYS SECRETLY WONDERED...

WHAT IF I WAS 500 FEET TALL?

LET'S WATCH, SHALL WE?

[ Loud Belch ]

MY WORK HERE IS DONE.

[ Black Sabbath's "Iron Man" Playing ]

AW, I'M SO LONELY SINCE I CAME TO THE FUTURE.

WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND?

[ Angry Quack ]OW!

[ Groans ]

AW!

[ Gasps ]

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M A BIG ROBOT AND I WANT A BIG CEREAL.

YOU, TOO? WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND?

PUT HER THERE, PAL.

I MEANT YOUR WALLET.

THREE, TWO, ONE, ZERO.♪ MMMBOP BA-DUBA-DOP ♪

♪ BA-DU-BOP, BA-DU-DOP ♪

♪ BA-DU-BOP, BA-DU-DOP ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ MMMBOP BA-DUBA-DOP ♪

♪ BA-DU-BOP, BA-DU-DOP ♪

♪ BA-DU-BOP, BA-DU-DOP ♪

♪ WHOA, WHOA ♪

♪ MMMBOP BA-DUBA-DOP ♪

♪ BA-DU-BOP, BA-DU-DOP ♪

♪ BA-DU-BOP, BA-DU-DOP ♪

♪ WHOA, WHOA ♪

♪ MMMBOP BA-DUBA-DOP... ♪

AH, YEAH, THAT CALMS THE SHAKES.

HEY!

[ Giggling ]

OKAY, OKAY, COME ON NOW.

STOP! THE ROBOT'S NOT YOUR ENEMY.

HE'S JUST A POOR, MISUNDERSTOOD....

[ Screaming ]

[ Sniffing ]

AW!

WELL, THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

[ Loud Crashing ]

THERE GOES ANOTHER NEIGHBORHOOD.

WE'RE JERKED.

NOTHING CAN STOP A MONSTER THAT BIG.

NOTHING EXCEPT AN EVEN EQUALLY BIG MONSTER.

THIS IS A CHANCE TO TRY OUT MY EXPERIMENTAL ENLARGING RAY

BUT WE'LL NEED A GUINEA PIG.

[ Sniffing ]

WHAT'S THIS?

TWO MEALS IN ONE WEEK?

[ Noisy Chewing ]

GOT YOU!SUCKER!

FRIENDS, HELP! A GUINEA PIG TRICKED ME.

[ High-pitched Whirring ]

WHAT?

SO, NOW ZOIDBERG IS BIG, HUH?

THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

WHO'S INTIMIDATING WHO NOW, BIG CITY?

HELLO, MR. CHASE MANHATTAN BANK.

DENY MY CREDIT CARD APPLICATION, WILL YOU?

[ Roaring ]

AH, THE FAMED APOLLO THEATER.

BOO ME OFF STAGE ON OPEN-MIKE NIGHT, HUH?

I'LL SHOW YOU.

[ Roaring ]

HEY, I CALLED THIS CITY.

QUIT TOUCHING MY STUFF.

TELL IT TO THE CLAW.

BITE MY COLOSSAL METAL ASS.

[ People Screaming ]

[ Loud Sucking ]

[ Sputtering ]

[ Loud Belch ]

WHO WANTS LOBSTER BISQUE?

HMM?

[ Screaming ]

[ Evil Laughter ]

HEY, BENDER

WANT TO MAKE SHRINKY DINKS?

[ Roaring ]

[ Yelling ]

[ Gasping ]

WHO PUT THIS IN HERE?

NO!

ARE YOU PEOPLE SATISFIED?

THIS GENTLE VISITOR IS DYING

AND WE'LL NEVER EVEN KNOW WHY HE CAME.

I'LL... TELL YOU...

WITH MY FINAL BREATH.

[ Muttering ]

I CAME HERE WITH A SIMPLE DREAM--

A DREAM OF KILLING ALL HUMANS

AND THIS IS HOW IT MUST END?

WHO'S THE REAL SEVEN-BILLION-TON ROBOT MONSTER HERE?

NOT... I.

NOT... I.

[ Gasps ]

GOOD NIGHT, SWEET PRINCE.

[ Announcer ] INTERESTING STUFF.

STAY TUNED FOR MORE:

[ Farnsworth ] WELL, LEELA,

CARE TO GIVE THE WHAT-IF MACHINE A WHIRL?

MAYBE LATER.

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO ASK ABOUT.

COME ON, WOMAN, JUST PICK SOMETHING.

YEAH, BE MORE IMPULSIVE, LIKE THIS.

GO, MAN, GO.

I CAN BE REALLY IMPULSIVE. IT JUST TAKES ME AWHILE.

[ Humming Tune ]

ALL RIGHT, PROFESSOR, LET'S DO IT.

MAKE THAT MACHINE SHOW ME WHAT WOULD HAPPEN

IF I WAS A LITTLE MORE IMPULSIVE.

JUST A LITTLE.

NOT TOO MUCH.

HEY, GUYS, LOOK WHAT I BOUGHT ON A WILD IMPULSE--

NEW BOOTS.

THEY'RE LIKE MY OLD ONES BUT WITH A CRAZY GREEN STRIPE.

WHOO!

NEVER KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO NEXT.

[ Humming Tune ]

[ Sighs ]

LEELA, COULD YOU COME IN HERE FOR A MOMENT?

I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU.

I CAN'T LIVE FOREVER AND I NEED AN HEIR--

SOMEONE TO SPEND MY VAST RICHES

AND TAKE CARE OF MY MAN-EATING ANTEATERS WHEN I'M GONE.

[ Noisy Chewing ]

THE OTHERS SIMPLY AREN'T LEVELHEADED ENOUGH.

THEY'RE TOO IMPULSIVE-- NOT LIKE YOU.

NOT LIKE OLD, PREDICTABLE, DULL-AS-DISHWATER LEELA.

HELLO? NEW BOOTS.

THAT'S WHY I'VE MADE YOU MY SOLE HEIR.

THE DAY I DIE

YOU'LL BE A VERY WEALTHY WOMAN.

OH, MY, YES... INCREDIBLY WEALTHY.

THE DAY I DIE...

BECAUSE YOU'RE SO UN-IMPULSIVE.

[ Karate Yell ]

OH! HUH?

[ Noisy Chewing ]

OH, YOU'VE KILLED ME!

YOU'VE KILLED ME!

OH, GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?

I JUST TOLD YOU. YOU'VE KILLED ME!

[ Noisy Chewing ]

OKAY, JUST TRY TO BE NONCHALANT.

[ Whistling Tune ]

ALL RIGHT, SO YOU'RE NONCHALANT.

QUIT RUBBING OUR NOSES IN IT.

SWEET GIANT ANTEATER OF SANTA ANITA!

THE PROFESSOR'S BEEN EATEN BY GIANT ANTEATERS!

OH!WHAT?!

IF YOU ASK ME, IT'S MIGHTY SUSPICIOUS.

I'M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE...

RIGHT AFTER I FLUSH SOME THINGS.

POLICE, BAH. NOSY MEDDLERS.

IT SO HAPPENS I HAVE

MAIL-ORDER DEGREES IN MURDEROLOGY AND MURDERONOMY.

ZOIDBERG IS AFOOT.

PERHAPS THE PROFESSOR'S FILES CAN CLEAR THINGS UP.

LET'S SEE, CITATION FOR PUBLIC NUDITY

CONSPIRACY TO COMMIT PUBLIC NUDITY.

AHA! A NEW WILL NAMING...

[ Gasps ]

YOUAS HIS SOLE HEIR!

THAT DOESN'T PROVE I KILLED HIM.

IT'S A VIDEO WILL. IT SHOWS YOU KILLING HIM.

[ Karate Yells ]

[ Hermes Screaming ]

ALL RIGHT, ANTEATER NUMBER ONE, WHO ARE YOU PROTECTING?

IS IT ANTEATER NUMBER TWO?

DON'T STICK YOUR TONGUE OUT AT ME.

I NEED A NAME. [ Snorting ]

WHAT? HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT?

[ Chopping Sounds ]

[ Hermes ] WHAT ARE YOU HACKING OFF?

IS IT MY TORSO? IT IS! MY PRECIOUS TORSO!

HERMES, QUIET. I'M DEDUCING THINGS.

[ Garbage Disposal Running ]

[ Grunting ]

WHAT DO YOU GOT? DISPOSAL TROUBLE?

NO! EVERYTHING'S JUST--

SURE IS SHOCKING ABOUT THE PROFESSOR, HUH?

AND NOW HERMES IS MYSTERIOUSLY MISSING.

ANYHOW, IT DOESN'T AFFECT ME-- BENDER.

HEY, WHAT'S THIS?

HERMES' DREADLOCKS? AND HIS ARM?

LEELA, I'M SHOCKED.

FOOD GOES IN THE DISPOSAL. HAIR AND FLESH GO IN THE TRASH.

I'M SORRY. I COULDN'T STOP.

WELL, WAIT.

DON'T YOU CARE THAT I MURDERED HERMES?

NOT EVEN A LITTLE.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH MURDER

JUST AS LONG AS YOU LET BENDER WET HIS BEAK.

YOU'RE BLACKMAILING ME?

BLACKMAIL IS SUCH AN UGLY WORD.

I PREFER EXTORTION.

THE "X" MAKES IT SOUND COOL.

PLEASE, HONEY, I'M MADE OF METAL.

LIKE YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO HURT ME WITH A--

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT MICROWAVE?

[ Blubbering ]

[ Bell Dings ]

OKAY, THAT'S IT.

NO MORE KILLING.

NEXT TIME YOU FEEL LIKE KILLING

JUST HAVE A STICK OF GUM.

NOW TO DISPOSE OF THE BODY.

HONK, HONK.

WOW, SPORTY GO-CART, LEELA. SO HIP AND SEXY.

NOT LIKE YOU AT ALL.

DO YOU HAVE ANY GUM?

NO.

[ Screaming ]

[ Thunder Crashing ]

[ Clock Chimes ]

[ Noisy Chewing ]

AH!

THE GANG'S ALL HERE.

WHO ARE YOU?

SCRUFFY, THE JANITOR.

I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE.

I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE, NEITHER.

QUIET, PLEASE.

I'VE CALLED YOU ALL HERE TO THE PARLOR

TO WATCH AS I GRADUALLY SOLVE THE CRIME.

ONE OF THE PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM IS A BIG MURDERER.

[ All Gasping ]

[ Gasps ]

YOU SEE, THE KILLER LEFT ONE FATAL CLUE--

THIS BOOT PRINT ON THE PROFESSOR'S LAB COAT.

UH... COULDN'T BE ME.

I NEVER WEAR BOOTS.

[ Loud Zipping ]

SEE?

EWW. WHAT SMELLS LIKE BOOT FEET?

THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS.

OBVIOUSLY, THE MURDERER IS--

[ Metallic Scraping ]

[ Splat ]

MY NEXT CLUE CAME AT 4:15

WHEN THE CLOCK STOPPED

AND ANOTHER CAME TWO HOURS LATER, AT 4:15

WHEN I DISCOVERED THE MURDERED BODY

OF AMY'S DEAD, DECEASED CORPSE.

SCRUFFY KNOWS WHO KILLED THEM PEOPLE.

IN SCRUFFY'S OPINION, IT WERE--

[ Metallic Scraping ]

[ Casual Whistling ]

SO... IT'S JUST AS I SUSPECTED ALL ALONG.

THE CRIME IS UNSOLVABLE.

[ Yapping ]

[ Yelping ]

A LETTER FROM BENDER, MY GOOD FRIEND.

"DEAR DR. JERKBERG

"IF YOU'RE READING THIS, I'M ALREADY DEAD.

"THE PERSON WHO KILLED ME WAS-- WAS--"

MY GOD. IT CAN'T BE.

THE MURDERER. IT WAS...

[ Yawns ]

I'M BORED.

YOU'RE BORING, ZOIDBERG.

I'M GOING TO GO WATCH TV.

COULD YOU GET THE LIGHTS ON YOUR WAY OUT?

WHATCHA EATING?LOBSTER.

YOU WANT SOME?SURE.

YOU KNOW, I THINK I FINALLY FIGURED OUT

WHAT'S BEHIND ALL THESE MYSTERIOUS DEATHS.

REALLY?

WAS PLANET EXPRESS BUILT ON AN INDIAN GRAVEYARD?

NO.NO?

NO.[ Gasps ] THEN... THEN...

IT WAS YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME.

I KILLED ONE PERSON ON IMPULSE.

THEN I HAD TO KILL ANOTHER AND ANOTHER.

WELL, THAT COVERS THE FIRST THREE KILLINGS.

AND NOW, TO MAKE SURE YOUWON'T TALK...

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO DO SOMETHING REALLY IMPULSIVE.

[ Contented Sigh ]

SO, FRY...

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE IMPULSIVE NEW ME?

I LIKE IT.

GOOD, NOW LET ME JUST GET THE LIGHTS.

[ Screaming ]

I REALLYLIKE IT.

WHO ELSE HAS A QUESTION FOR THE WHAT-IF MACHINE?

SCRUFFY? FRY?

I HAVE A QUESTION.

WHAT IF BENDER WAS REALLY GIANT?

YOU IDIOT, WE ALREADY SAW THAT.

I KNOW, I LIKED IT. I WANT TO SEE IT AGAIN.

WE'RE NOT SEEING IT AGAIN. ASK SOMETHING LESS STUPID.

OH, ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT THIS?

WHAT IF I NEVER FELL INTO THAT FREEZER DOODLE

AND CAME TO THE FUTURE JIGGY?

THAT QUESTION IS LESS STUPID

THOUGH YOU ASKED IT IN A PROFOUNDLY STUPID WAY.

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF FRY NEVER CAME TO THE FUTURE?

[ Noisemakers Blowing ]

HELLO!

PIZZA DELIVERY FOR, UH...

I.C. WIENER?

OH, CRUD.

HERE'S TO ANOTHER LOUSY MILLENNIUM.

[ Toots ]

OW!

I SHOULD HAVE LEFT YOU FLOATING IN THE TOILET.

WHAT IS IT?

IT APPEARS THAT THE VERY FABRIC

OF SPACE-TIME HAS RIPPED.

HEY, LOOK, AN UGLY, SCARED GUY.

BOO!

[ Laughing ]

[ Spooky Humming ]

WHO ARE YOU MONSTERS?

IS ONE OF YOU I.C. WIENER?

IF THAT'S HIS PIZZA, THEN I'M ICY WHATEVER.

YOU BELIEVE ME ABOUT THE MONSTERS, RIGHT, MR. PANUCCI?

THERE'S ONLY THREE REAL MONSTERS, KID--

DRACULA, BLACULA AND SON OF KONG.

NOW, QUIT PICKING YOUR NOSE AND KNEAD THAT DOUGH.

[ Sighs ]

HEY, THE USUAL, PROFESSOR HAWKING?

[ Over Voice Box ] NO, TODAY I'D LIKE SOMETHING GOOD.

[ Laughs ] HAWKING, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT. I'LL MAKE YOU THE USUAL.

HEY, STEPHEN HAWKING.

AREN'T YOU THAT PHYSICIST THAT INVENTED GRAVITY?

SURE, WHY NOT?

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

HAS ANYONE EVER DISCOVERED A HOLE IN NOTHING WITH MONSTERS IN IT?

'CAUSE IF I'M THE FIRST

I WANT THEM TO CALL IT A FRY HOLE.

THERE IS NOTHING TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT.

I MUST GO. THERE IS MUCH TO DO.

HEY, HAWKING, YOUR PIZZA'S READY.

TOSS IT IN THE GARBAGE.

[ Hawking ] THERE HE IS. SEIZE HIM.

WHO SAID THAT?

UH! HEY! HEY! OH! OW! NO!

THERE.

[ Groaning ]

WHO AREYOU PEOPLE?

I'M AL GORE, AND THESE

ARE MY VICE-PRESIDENTIAL ACTION RANGERS

A GROUP OF TOP NERDS WHOSE SOLE DUTY

IS TO PREVENT DISRUPTIONS IN THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM.

I THOUGHT YOUR SOLE DUTY WAS TO CAST THE TIE-BREAKING VOTE IN THE SENATE.

THAT, AND PROTECT THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM.

READ THE CONSTITUTION.

HMM, SO I GUESS YOU'LL WANT TO SEE MY FRY HOLE.

VERY MUCH SO, BUT FIRST, MEET THE ACTION RANGERS.

YOU ALREADY KNOW STEPHEN HAWKING.

ALSO WITH US ARE NICHELLE NICHOLS

A.K.A. COMMANDER UHURA.

INCOMING TRANSMISSION FROM MCI ONE-RATE DEPARTMENT.

IT SOUNDS LIKE A LIMITED-TIME OFFER.

TELL THEM I'M IN THE TUB.

TO MY LEFT, YOU'LL RECOGNIZE GARY GYGAX

INVENTOR OF DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS.

GREETINGS. IT'S A... PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

AND OUR SUMMER INTERN, DEEP BLUE

THE WORLD'S FOREMOST CHESS-PLAYING COMPUTER.

Bishop to knight four.

NOT ALL MISSIONS CAN BE SOLVED WITH CHESS, DEEP BLUE.

SOMEDAY YOU'LL UNDERSTAND THAT.

WHERE AM I, ANYWAY?

YOU'RE TRAVELING IN A SPECIALLY EQUIPPED

TERRESTRIAL TRANSPORT MODULE.

A SCHOOL BUS.

SO WHAT DO YOU NERDS WANT?

IT'S ABOUT THAT RIP IN SPACE-TIME THAT YOU SAW.

I CALL IT A HAWKING HOLE.

NO FAIR-- I SAW IT FIRST.

WHO IS THE JOURNAL OF QUANTUM PHYSICSGOING TO BELIEVE?

MR. FRY, THE TIME DISRUPTION INDICATES THAT SOME EVENT

WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN, BUT DIDN'T DUE TO A QUANTUM FLUCTUATION.

THAT'S WHY WE HAD TO BEAT YOU WITH TENNIS RACKETS.

IF WE DON'T GO BACK THERE AND MAKE THE EVENT HAPPEN

THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE WILL BE DESTROYED

AND AS AN ENVIRONMENTALIST, I'M AGAINST THAT.

[ Brakes Squealing ]

SO THEN MY CHAIR TILTED BACK

AND I ALMOST FELL INTO THIS FREEZER THINGY.

I CALL IT A HAWKING CHAMBER.

BUT INSTEAD OF FALLING IN AND GETTING FROZEN

I MISSED AND WANGED MY HEAD.

WELL, IT'S OBVIOUS WHAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

THAT WANG TO THE HEAD SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU.

UH, WHAT?

LET'S FINISH THE JOB.

NO, WAIT! THERE MUST BE A PEACEFUL--

HOLD HIM DOWN.Check.

OW! OW!

OW! OW!

WHOA.WHA...?

SOMETHING'S WRONG. MURDER ISN'T WORKING AND THAT'S ALL WE'RE GOOD AT.

LET'S TRY SOMETHING ELSE. MAYBE WE SHOULD...

PUT THE DICE AWAY BEFORE I TAKE THEM AWAY.

WAIT, I'M GETTING AN IDEA.

WHAT IF FRY WAS SUPPOSED TO GET FROZEN?

YES.

SHOVE HIM IN THE TUBE. IT WAS MY IDEA.

HEY, THERE HE IS AGAIN AND HE BROUGHT NERDS.

TAKE THIS!

GET IN THE TUBE, DUMMY.

WE ONLY HAVE A FEW SECONDS

BEFORE THE UNIVERSE IS DESTROYED.

ALL RIGHT, BUT I NEED A WEAPON

TO FIGHT OFF DRUNKEN ROBOTS WHEN I WAKE UP.

HERE, TAKE MY PLUS-ONE MACE.

OKAY, HERE I GO.

[ Maniacal Laughter ]

YOU FOOL! YOU FOOLISH FOOL!

EH, WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN?

[ Screaming ]

GREAT.

THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE WAS DESTROYED.

DESTROYED? THEN WHERE ARE WE NOW?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT I CAN DARN WELL TELL YOU

WHERE WE'RE NOT-- THE UNIVERSE.

OH, ETERNITY WITH NERDS.

IT'S THE PASADENA STAR TREK CONVENTION ALL OVER AGAIN.

ANYONE WANT TO PLAY DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS FOR THE NEXT QUADRILLION YEARS?

YES, PLEASE.SURE.

Pawn to rook eight.

I'M A TENTH-LEVEL VICE PRESIDENT.

THAT STORY WAS PREPOSTEROUS.

STEPHEN HAWKING IN A PIZZERIA.

THIS THING ISN'T WORTH THE GOLD IT'S MADE OF.

ANYWAY, "THE THING LONGER" SEEMS TO BE A ROUSING SUCCESS.

GOOD WORK.

[ Amy ] RIGHT ON, PROFESSOR.

SO THAT'S WHAT THINGS WOULD BE LIKE

IF I'D INVENTED "THE THING LONGER."

OH, A MAN CAN DREAM, THOUGH.

A MAN CAN DREAM.