Original subtitles

* Call Robo-Rooter when you flush a towel *

* And we can also help with an impacted bowel *

* Robo-Rooter.

MMM... MMM!

NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL 1,000 YEARS OF PROGRESS.

A BAVARIAN CREAM DOG THAT'S ALSO SELF-MICROWAVING.

[ Beep, Short Buzz ]

AW, GEEZ, LET'S JUST PRAY

I HAVE THE ENERGY TO GET MYSELF ANOTHER BEER.

[ Beep, Whir ]

AH, WHAT IS THIS? THE MIDDLE AGES?

[ Groaning ]

[ Slurping ]

LOOK AT YOU GUYS... NO OFFENSE, FRY

BUT YOU'VE BECOME A FAT SACK OF CRAP.

SACK!?

AND, BENDER, YOUR BEER BELLY'S SO BIG

YOUR DOOR WON'T EVEN CLOSE

AND THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.

COME ON, WE'RE TAKING YOU PIGS TO THE GYM.

THE GYMNASIUM? EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT.

FOR SOME REASON, I'M FRISKY AS A SQUID ON TUESDAY.

[ Clicking ]

[ Weights Clanging ]

[ Gasping ]

HEY, WHO'S UP FOR A NICE HOT STEAM?

WE CRUSTACEANS DON'T LIKE STEAM.

I'M GOING TO GO WORK OUT WITH THE NAUTILUS.

WHAT UP, DR. Z?

YO, YO, YO, WHASSUP? WHASSUP?

GIVE UP THE ROCK!

COED STEAM ROOMS...

I LOVE THE FUTURE!

UH, FRY, YOU'RE IN THE WOMEN'S STEAM ROOM.

AH... FUTURISTIC.

PSST. LOOK WHAT LIFE WAS LIKE

BEFORE GENETIC ENGINEERING.

THOSE POOR 20th-CENTURY WOMEN.

HEY, HANDSOME...

IS THERE ROOM IN THERE FOR TWO?

[ Snorts ] YOU WISH.

[ Gasping ]

HEY, LEELA, LOOK WHO'S THE SUPERSTUD.

HMM, SOMEBODY MUST HAVE TURNED DOWN THE GRAVITY.

I'LL FIX IT FOR YOU.

[ Gasping ]

GIVE ME THAT.

MORE WEIGHT.

DR. ZOIDBERG, WHAT'S THAT JAZZ ON YOUR HEAD?

ENOUGH WITH THE QUESTIONS, MORE WEIGHT!

MORE!

MORE!

[ Growling ]

MAYBE YOU COULD DO MORE REPS WITH LESS WEIGHT.

[ Roaring ]

[ Screaming ]

HEY, LOOKS LIKE ZOIDBERG'S FINALLY COMING OUT OF HIS SHELL.

[ Laughs ] GET IT?

HE'S COMING OUT OF...

[ Roaring ]

[ Growling ]

NICE AND GENTLE.

WE DON'T WANT ANY UNNECESSARY STRESS.

[ Roaring ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Splash ] [ Baby Crying ]

IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE GYM?

I'M A DOCTOR!

[ Women Screaming ]

[ Splashing ] [ Babies Crying ]

[ Grunting ]

I WONDER WHY DR. ZOIDBERG IS ACTING THIS WAY?

OUT OF ALL OF US, HE ALWAYS SEEMED THE MOST NORMAL.

I AM NORMAL.

AMY, TAKE OFF THESE RUBBER BANDS

AND I'LL SHOW YOU HOW NORMAL I AM.

FOOL ME SEVEN TIMES, SHAME ON YOU.

FOOL ME EIGHT OR MORE TIMES, SHAME ON ME.

MAYBE HE HAS A PARASITE.

MAYBE HE IS A PARASITE!

IT'S ALWAYS SO SAD WHEN A FRIEND GOES CRAZY

AND YOU HAVE TO HAVE A BIG CLAMBAKE AND COOK HIM!

YEE-HA!

NOW, NOW, THIS WON'T DO.

LET ME JUST GIVE OLD ZOIDIE A SEDATIVE.

AH... MUCH BETTER.

YOU CAN TAKE OFF THESE RUBBER BANDS NOW.

I'LL DO IT.

[ All ] STOP! NO!

[ Bender ] MORON!

HMM, OH-HO! A-HA!

THERE'S THE PROBLEM.

GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT, PROFESSOR.

IS IT FIN ROT?

IT'S FIN ROT, ISN'T IT?

TELL ME IT'S NOT FIN ROT!

RELAX MY CHITINY CHUM.

THERE'S NO PROBLEM.

YOU'RE JUST HEAVY WITH MALE JELLY.

BLECCH!

IT MUST BE MATING SEASON FOR ZOIDBERG'S PEOPLE.

A CHAOTIC TIME WHEN HIS BEHAVIOR IS DICTATED

BY THE TINY BRAIN IN HIS RUMP.

YECH!

THERE'S ONLY ONE THING WE CAN DO...

I'LL GET THE WATER BOILING.

WE, BY WHICH I MEAN YOU

WILL HAVE TO RUSH HIM TO HIS ANCIENT HOMEWORLD

WHICH WILL SHORTLY ERUPT

IN AN ORGY OF INVERTEBRATE SEX.

OH, BABY, I'M THERE!

FRY, DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND

THE WORD INVERTEBRATE?

NOPE, BUT THAT'S NOT THE WORD I'M INTERESTED IN.

NO NEED TO PACK PANTS, PEOPLE!

LET'S ROLL!

DR. ZOIDBERG SAID

I SHOULD HOLD THESE WHILE HE'S GONE.

[ Roaring And Screaming ]

[ Bender ] MORON!

WELCOME HOME, OLD FRIEND.

JUST 19 HOURS UNTIL THE MATING FRENZY.

EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT.

SEE YOU THERE, DOCTOR...

[ Squishy Gurgling ]

IS THAT HOW YOU SAY ZOIDBERG?

[ Crying ]

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO CALL ATTENTION

TO HIS SPEECH IMPEDIMENT.

YOU'RE LOOKING LESS NUTS, CRABBY.

I'M FEELING LESS NUTS, THANK YOU

BECAUSE TOMORROW, I WILL BE DEPOSITING MY JELLY

IN THE CLOACAL VENTS OF A FEMALE

IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.

WHO'S THE LUCKY LOBSTERINA?

I DON'T KNOW YET

BUT I SHALL ATTRACT ONE THIS AFTERNOON

WITH AN EROTIC DISPLAY.

IT'S AMAZING THAT YOUR PEOPLE CAN FALL IN LOVE SO FAST.

LOVE? THAT WORD IS UNKNOWN HERE.

I'M SIMPLY LOOKING

FOR A FEMALE SWOLLEN WITH EGGS

TO ACCEPT MY GENETIC MATERIAL.

YOU AND ME BOTH, BROTHER.

AH, MY OLD SCUTTLING GROUNDS.

LET'S PULL OVER.

I USED TO HANG OUT HERE AS A LARVA.

IT LOOKED SO MUCH BIGGER BACK THEN.

WHO'S THE TOUGH GUY NOW, VINNIE?

[ Loud Chewing ]

[ Snarly Gurgling ]

LOOK, OUTDOOR THEATER.

LET'S GET TICKETS. OH, LET'S DO.

NO, IT'S THE CEREMONY OF CLAW PLOCK

WHERE MY SPECIES

FIGHT TO THE DEATH OVER MATTERS OF HONOR.

ALSO WHETHER ABBREVIATIONS COUNT IN SCRABBLE.

THEY DON'T.

I DIDN'T COME HERE

TO SEE ANY ACTIVITY INVOLVING TWO GUYS.

WHERE DO YOU PEOPLE DO YOUR EROTIC DISPLAY?

SAME PLACE AS YOUR SPECIES...

THE BEACH.

HOW DO I LOOK?

LIKE WHALE BARF.

THEN THE ILLUSION IS COMPLETE.

HEY, I WONDER IF THESE GUYS ARE HERE

TO WATCH THE EROTIC DISPLAY, TOO.

PERFECT. THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ME STAND OUT.

[ Squawking ]

[ All Squawking ]

[ Laughs ]

LOOK HOW RIDICULOUS THEY LOOK.

PLEASE, HE'S NO DIFFERENT

FROM THE REST OF YOU ORGANISMS

SHOOTING DNA AT EACH OTHER TO MAKE BABIES.

I FIND IT OFFENSIVE.

[ Squawks ]

KEEP YOUR JELLY AWAY FROM MY EGGS.

[ Squawks Hopefully ]

SO NOT INTERESTED.

[ Squawks Desperately ]

HMM! I'VE HEARD THAT LINE BEFORE.

[ Gurgling Happily ]

[ Squawking ]

OH, WHAT'S THE POINT?

[ Sighing ]

WHY IS ZOIDBERG THE ONLY ONE STILL ALONE?

'CAUSE HE'S A LOSER, THAT'S WHY.

HE'S THE LOBSTER EQUIVALENT OF FRY.

HEY, I CAN GET ANY GIRL I WANT, ANYTIME I WANT.

I'M JUST TOO BUSY.

[ Gurgles Hopefully ]

EDNA.

EDNA, IT'S ME, ZOIDBERG.

REMEMBER? FROM HIGH SCHOOL?

[ Quizzical Gurgle ]

YOU USED TO LAUGH AT ME

BECAUSE MY FACE WAS COVERED WITH BARNACLES?

[ Gasping ] ZOIDBERG?

WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE BACK IN TOWN.

I HEARD YOU WENT OFF AND BECAME A RICH DOCTOR.

I'VE PERFORMED A FEW MERCY KILLINGS.

SO, AS LONG AS I'M IN TOWN

I WAS WONDERING IF MAYBE...

[ Squawks ]

OH, GEE... YEAH, I'M...

JUST GOING THROUGH A LOT OF THINGS RIGHT NOW

AND... LOOK, ZOIDBERG

I CARRY MORE EGGS THAN ANY OTHER FEMALE

AND I... OWE IT TO OUR RACE

TO PICK A MATE WHO'S STUFFED WITH MALE JELLY.

MAYBE A ROCK STAR.

OR MAYBE A DOCTOR.

I'M SORRY, ZOIDBERG

YOU'RE JUST AN INFERIOR MALE SPECIMEN.

NICE SEEING YOU AGAIN.

[ Zoidberg ] NO ONE WILL EVER WANT

TO MATE WITH ME.

NOT WITH A PUNY CLAW LIKE THIS.

DID YOU SEE THOSE OTHER GUYS?

THEY LOOK LIKE GIANT CLAWS WITH BODIES ATTACHED.

AT LEAST YOU DIDN'T SMELL AS BAD AS THEM.

YOU'RE RIGHT!

MY STINK GLAND IS WEAK. SMELL.

[ Gagging ]

LISTEN, DOC, IF YOU WANT TO SCORE

YOU'VE GOT TO FAKE LIKE YOU'RE IN LOVE.

JUST LOOK HER IN THE EYE, START CRYING AND SAY

"I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY."

OH... IF A GUY EVER DID THAT TO ME, I'D KNOW IT.

WAIT A SECOND.

THEY'VE ALL BEEN DOING THAT TO ME.

EVEN SEAN.

[ Crying ]

HMM... THIS "LOVE" INTRIGUES ME.

TEACH ME TO FAKE IT.

OKAY, YOU'RE ON A DATE.

WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU DO?

ASK HER TO MATE WITH ME.

NO. TELL HER SHE'S SPECIAL.

BUT SHE'S NOT.

SHE'S MERELY THE FEMALE WITH THE LARGEST CLUTCH OF EGGS.

WELL, TELL HER THAT, AND THEN...

THEN MATING.

NO, MAKE UP SOME FEELINGS

AND TELL HER YOU HAVE THEM.

YES?

IS DESIRE TO MATE A FEELING?

OH, YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING.

[ Gurgles In Frustration ]

IT'S ALL SO COMPLICATED WITH THE FLOWERS AND THE ROMANCE

AND THE LIES UPON LIES...

OKAY, OKAY, DON'T WORRY.

THE LOVE-MEISTER WILL TAKE YOU UNDER HIS WING.

WHAT, NOW THERE'S A BIRD INVOLVED?

OKAY, GO AHEAD.

WHAT THE..? DR. ZOIDBERG?

YOUR MATING DISPLAY FAILED.

WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO TALK TO ME?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

YOU JUST WANT TO TALK.

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MATING.

I JUST WANT TO TALK.

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MATING.

FRY, THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

DR. ZOIDBERG, THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE... BUT OKAY.

START WITH A COMPLIMENT.

TELL HER SHE LOOKS THIN.

YOU SEEM MALNOURISHED.

ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM INTERNAL PARASITES?

WHY, YES. THANKS FOR NOTICING.

NOW ASK HER HOW HER DAY WAS.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO KNOW?

YOU WOULDN'T. ASK ANYWAY.

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

WELL, FIRST, I GOT UP AND HAD A PIECE OF TOAST

THEN I BRUSHED MY TEETH

THEN I WENT TO THE STORE TO BUY SOME FISH, THEN I...

FRY, LOOK WHAT YOU DID.

SHE WON'T SHUT UP.

THAT'S NORMAL.

JUST NOD YOUR HEAD AND SAY, "UH-HUH."

UH-HUH, UH-HUH.

AND THEN YOU THREW AN OCTOPUS AT MY WINDOW.

YOU KNOW, ZOIDBERG, IT'S CRAZY, BUT WHEN YOU TALK THIS WAY

YOUR OBVIOUS DEFICIENCIES AS A MALE SEEM...

LESS OBVIOUS.

YOUR GENES SEEM LESS DETRIMENTAL.

[ Sniffing ]

YOU EVEN STINK MORE.

DO I ASK HER TO MATE NOW?

THIRD DATE.

SO I RETURNED HIS ARTIFICIAL HEART

AND EVER SINCE THEN

I'VE BEEN KNOWN BY THE NAME OF HONEST BENDER.

[ All Laughing ]

I'D LIKE TO PROPOSE A TOAST TO... COAT CHECK #84.

[ Whispering ] TURN IT OVER.

OH. EDNA,

OF ALL THE SLIMY, GROSS CRAB MONSTERS

ON THIS PLANET

YOU ARE APPARENTLY THE HOTTEST.

OY.

THAT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I'VE EVER HEARD.

YES, WELL, EXCUSE ME.

I'VE GOT TO POWDER MY MOUTH FLAPS.

[ Groans ]

UH, ME, TOO.

I'M CONFUSED, FRY.

I'M FEELING A STRANGE NEW EMOTION.

IS IT LOVE WHEN YOU CARE ABOUT A FEMALE

FOR REASONS BEYOND MATING?

NOPE. MUST BE SOME WEIRD ALIEN EMOTION.

ZOIDBERG SAID SOME DUMB STUFF

BUT HE'S A NICE GUY, REALLY.

IT'S JUST THAT FRY'S BEEN TELLING HIM WHAT TO SAY

AND FRY'S A... DO YOU HAVE IDIOTS ON YOUR PLANET?

FRY?

YOU MEAN, WORDS OF SUCH BEAUTY

CAME FROM THE BLOWHOLE OF THAT HIDEOUS ALIEN?

YEAH. WHAT?

LOOK, NEVER MIND THE WORDS.

ZOIDBERG'S A DOCTOR.

A DOCTOR, HONEY.

HMM...

[ Buzzes ]

[ Edna ] COME IN.

[ Seductive Purring ]

HELLO, FRY.

CAN I INTEREST YOU IN SOME SURF AND TURF?

NO, THANKS.

I JUST CAME TO TELL YOU THAT ZOIDBERG'S REALLY GREAT.

HE'S GOT MALE JELLY COMING OUT THE WAZOO.

WELL, THAT IS WHERE IT COMES OUT

BUT JELLY ISN'T EVERYTHING.

I KNOW ZOIDBERG'S MAGICAL WORDS WERE REALLY YOURS.

TEACH ME TO LOVE YOU

SQUISHY POET FROM BEYOND THE STARS.

UH, I'M FLATTERED, REALLY.

IF I WAS GOING TO DO IT WITH A BIG, FREAKY MUD BUG

YOU'D BE WAY UP THE LIST.

HUSH, YOU ROMANTIC FOOL.

ENGAGE YOUR MANDIBLES AND KISS ME.

[ Voracious Gurgling ]

[ Fry Grunting ]

[ Knocking ]

EDNA?

I COULDN'T STAND IT ANY LONGER. I...

[ Screams ]

[ Wheezing ]

FRY!

DR. ZOIDBERG, IT'S NOT HOW IT LOOKS.

HER CAVIAR IS ON YOUR NECK!

BUT... OH, IT'S TRUE, ZOIDBERG.

WE CAN'T HIDE IT ANY LONGER.

FRY AND I HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE

AND WE'RE GOING TO MATE TOMORROW.

WHAT?!

FRY, I CHALLENGE YOU TO CLAW PLOCK.

ENGLISH, PLEASE?

A FIGHT TO THE DEATH.

AND IF YOU SURVIVE, WE'LL MAKE SWEET LOVE.

[ Screams ]

THE LAW IS CLEAR.

FRY AND ZOIDBERG SHALL FIGHT TO THE DEATH

FOR THE CLAW OF THE BEAUTIFUL EDNA!

BUT I DON'T WANT HER!

ONCE INVOKED, THE SACRED TRADITION OF CLAW PLOCK

CANNOT BE TAKEN BACK.

IT IS A RECENT TRADITION, ONLY 18 YEARS OLD

BUT IT IS A TRADITION NONETHELESS!

[ Cheers ]

GET READY, FRY.

I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR SWIM BLADDER OUT

AND SHOW IT TO YOU.

DR. ZOIDBERG, THIS IS MADNESS!

YOU'RE BEING IRRATIONAL!

OF COURSE I'M BEING IRRATIONAL!

I'M IN LOVE!

AW...

LEELA!

RIGHT, RIGHT.

YOU HAVE TO STOP THIS MADNESS!

LISTEN, LADY, AS YOU CAN PLAINLY SEE

I'M A HIGHLY DESIRABLE MALE, GROANING WITH JELLY

YET I EMBRACE A LIFE OF CELIBACY

IN ORDER TO UPHOLD OUR CRAZY TRADITIONS.

ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS MUST DIE!

FATE IS CRUEL AND UNYIELDING, AND WHAT MUST BE, MUST BE.

TAKING ALL BETS!

I'M GIVING NINE TO TWO ON ZOIDBERG

THE CRAB WITH THE JAB, THE GREAT RED HOPE.

COME ON, BABY!

FRY, IT'S BEEN YEARS SINCE MEDICAL SCHOOL

SO REMIND ME: DISEMBOWELING IN YOUR SPECIES--

FATAL OR NON-FATAL?

FATAL.

LARGE BET ON MYSELF IN ROUND ONE!

EDNA, HAVE YOU ANYTHING TO SAY BEFORE BEGINS THE CLAW PLOCK?

I DO.

I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT TODAY I GOT UP

AND I HAD A PIECE OF TOAST.

THEN I BRUSHED MY TEETH...

SHUT UP!

I LOVE YOU, FRY!

[ Roaring ] NO!

FRY, HAVING GUESSED WHAT ANIMAL I WAS THINKING OF

YOU SHALL HAVE FIRST CHOICE OF WEAPON.

[ Claws Clicking ]

[ Fry ] UH-HUH... AH!

AND YOU, DOCTOR?

I CHOOSE MY OWN CLAWS.

I WANT THE TACTILE PLEASURE OF CHOPPING HIM

RIGHT HERE, IN THE GONADS.

SHH! NOBODY CORRECT HIM!

FRY, I'VE NEVER ASKED YOU FOR ANYTHING BEFORE

BUT IF IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TROUBLE

WHEN IT COMES TO THE NINTH ROUND

JUST LET HIM WIN.

BUT IT'S A FIGHT TO THE DEATH!

OH, SO SUDDENLY THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOU!

PLEASE RISE FOR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

[ Star Trek Battle Theme Playing ]

UH-OH.

LET CLAW PLO BEGIN!

OW!

[ Laughing ]

OW!

[ Chuckling ]

[ Growling ]

[ Screams ]

[ Panting ]

[ Cheering ]

COME ON, FRY!

DIE WITH DIGNITY!

A-HA!

OOPS.

NO! I CAN'T STAND TO LOOK!

[ Audience Gasps ]

[ Groaning ]

CRACK HIM OPEN!

KILL HIM!

PSST! FRY, TAKE A DIVE!

[ Crowd Chanting ] CLAW PLOCK, CLAW PLOCK, CLAW PLOCK!

[ Crowd Gasping ]

MY FELLOW FISH MONSTERS,

FAR BE IT FROM ME TO QUESTION YOUR STUPID CIVILIZATION

OR ITS DUMB CUSTOMS

BUT IS SQUEEZING EACH OTHER'S BRAINS OUT

WITH A GIANT NUTCRACKER REALLY GOING TO SOLVE ANYTHING?

DR. ZOIDBERG IS MY FRIEND

AND THOUGH A WOMAN HAS COME BETWEEN US

I SAY WE'LL ALWAYS REMAIN FRIENDS.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?

ONE REASON.

YOU BASTARD!

I'LL KILL YOU!

YOU BASTARD!

[ Both Yelling ]

[ Leela ] WAIT, STOP!

EVERYONE IS GONE!

EDNA?

HONEY?

[ Loud Squawking ]

[ All Gasping ]

EDNA!

[ All ] EW!

MY GOD!

THE FRENZY!

OH, THE GREATEST EXPERIENCE IN LIFE, AND I MISSED IT.

[ Crying ]

OH, I'M SORRY, DOC.

OW! OW!

AH...

[ Moans ] THE FRENZY IS OVER.

HOW WILL I EVER GET RID OF MY MALE JELLY NOW?

I'LL LEND YOU THIS.

FRY!

HEY, HEY!

SHOO, GET AWAY!

HEY! WHAT'S WITH THE FLYING JERKS?

THEY COME TO FEAST AFTER THE FRENZY.

ONCE MY SPECIES PASSES ON ITS GENES, IT DIES.

YOU MEAN YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE

BETWEEN A LIFE WITHOUT SEX AND A GRUESOME DEATH?

YES.

TOUGH CALL.

WELL, IT WAS NICE OF YOU

TO LET ME REATTACH YOUR ARM, FRY.

ESPECIALLY AFTER I MADE A COMPLETE EEL OUT OF MYSELF.

NO BIGGIE.

YES, BIGGIE.

I LEARNED TO FEEL THINGS I'VE NEVER FELT BEFORE--

LOVE, JEALOUSY, PASSION FOR DISEMBOWELING.

I OWE IT ALL TO YOU.

THERE. I PRONOUNCE THE OPERATION A SUCCESS.

HOORAY! YEAH!

I MAY NOT KNOW FROM EMOTIONS

BUT WHEN IT COMES TO MEDICINE?

FORGET ABOUT IT.

I DON'T MEAN TO NITPICK, SUPER-DOC

BUT DO YOU THINK MAYBE

YOU COULD TAKE ONE MORE WHACK AT THIS?

FOR YOU, MY FRIEND? ANYTHING.

[ Laser Droning ]

[ Fry Screaming ]

MY LEGS!

[ Zoidberg ] ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM.

[ Laser Droning ] [ Moist Thud ]